Daphne Moon Crane
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Quotes for
Daphne Moon Crane (Character)
from "Frasier" (1993)

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"Frasier: A Mid-Winter Night's Dream (#1.17)" (1994)
Daphne: I'm already exhibiting the three signs of a woman in love: I can't stop thinking about him, I can't eat and I bought meself all new underwear!
Martin: We gotta get her a girlfriend to talk to.

Eric: I don't suppose you'd be interested in something robust - if it didn't come on too strong.
Daphne: Well, if it was a little bit sweet, I might take a liking to it.

Daphne: I don't know why I'm being so silly. We weren't together long enough for anything to really happen.
Niles: Sometimes the strongest feelings come from the promise of what might happen. Just the anticipation is just enough to make all the little hairs on your neck stand on end.
[smooths down the hairs on the back of his neck]

Daphne: I feel very close to you.
Niles: I feel very close to you too Daphne. You know it's easy being someone you feel close to when you feel close to someone who's so close.

Daphne: Dr. Crane, your Glockenspiel has sprung to life!

Daphne: I hope some day some man will feel that way about me.
Niles: Oh, Daphne, don't worry. You are a very special person, and some day a man worthy of you will come along... just as soon as the gods create him.

Eric: Most people find that blend too intense.
Daphne: Not me. I like something that holds its body on my tongue.
[Niles spills cream all over the table]

Daphne: Dr. Crane...
Niles: Yes, Daphne?
Daphne: We're losing the fire!
Niles: No we're not, it's burning with the heat of a thousand suns!


"Frasier: Mother Load: Part 1 (#9.12)" (2002)
Niles: Sometimes I think this is too much space for just one person.
[pause]
Niles: You know...
Daphne: Yes?
Niles: You could live here.
Daphne: Are you asking me?
Niles: Would you like to?
Daphne: Would you like me to?
Niles: Yeah.
Daphne: Then, I will.
Niles: 'Kay.
[pause]
Niles: Wow!
[both begin giggling giddily]

Daphne: Where are we supposed to put all this? I cleared out two drawers; this'll fill two closets.
Niles: Well, we said we'd both bring whatever we needed for any eventuality.
Daphne: Isn't there anything you can leave behind?
Niles: I don't see how. I have formal, semi-formal, déshabille, wet weather, cold weather, cloudy. I mean, if there's something here you find excessive, jump right in.

[the phone rings and Daphne answers]
Daphne: Hello?... Oh, Mum.... Yeah, I'm sorry; I've been meaning to call, but Dr. Crane yells at me whenever I phone long distance.
Dr. Frasier Crane: I do not!
Martin Crane: Let her say whatever she needs to.
Daphne: Yeah, and poor old Mr. Crane is so feeble, he can't even make it to the loo by himself.
Martin Crane: Hey!

[Daphne wants to hide from her mother that she and Niles plan to live together]
Niles: That's ridiculous. We're adults; we're not gonna sneak around like this.
Daphne: Well, it's not forever. Mum's getting on in years, and she smokes like a chimney.

[Mrs. Moon just announced that her husband left her]
Daphne: Oh, Mum, it can't be. I'm sure he just got sidetracked on his way home from the pub.
Gertrude Moon: Well, I thought that myself for the first week! But, no, he's gone for good.

Daphne: I'm gonna live in your apartment!
Niles: Our apartment.
Daphne: Our apartment. Oh, my, I'm gonna have to practice saying that. "Let's go back to our apartment."
Niles: "Why don't we meet at our apartment?"
Daphne: "Oh, my, our apartment has a gas leak."
Niles: "Oh, no! Our apartment's going to explode!"
Daphne: "Oh, no! There goes our apartment."

Niles: Just to clarify, you're going to stay here but your parents are going to stay with me?
Daphne: I'm so glad you understand.
Niles: [mouthing to Frasier and Martin] What happened?


"Frasier: Something Borrowed, Someone Blue: Part 1 (#7.23)" (2000)
Daphne: Would you like steak or salmon at my wedding ? oh, and by the way, I think I might be in love with you!

Daphne: Would you like steak or salmon at my wedding - oh and by the way, I think I might be in love with you!

Daphne: Funny thing about Orangina. I never buy Orangina at all. But whenever I'm in a hotel and there's a mini-bar, it's the first thing I go for. Orangina.

Daphne: Dr Crane, you shouldn't say such things.
Niles: It's the truth. Lord knows, I have tried to deny it - tried to pretend that I'm over you - but not a day has gone by when I haven't thought of you. Your smile, your beautiful eyes, what it would be like to hold your hands and ask you the question I never dared ask...
Donny Douglas: [suddenly bursting in the room] What's the difference between a blister and a boil?

Daphne: [having been interrupted with Niles several times] Don't the doors in this bloody place lock?

Niles: [Niles has told Daphne that he loves her] Lovely night, isn't it? Stars are out, nice breeze... mmm, night-blooming jasmine. Of course, there's the beautiful girl.
Daphne: Dr Crane, I still haven't answered your question.
Niles: Yes, I know, that's why I keep talking. In case I don't get the answer I want, I can at least make this moment last a little longer. I'm not sure if it's jasmine or orange blossom. You know, a lot of times...
Daphne: [interrupting him] Oh, for God's sake, Dr Crane!
[kisses him]
Niles: I think you can call me Niles now.

Daphne: Simon!
Simon Moon: Hello, sis.
Daphne: I thought you were in California.
Simon Moon: Yeah, well, those friends I went to surprise were out of town. So I decided to housesit for 'em, which was lovely. 'Til they came home last night. I don't know what all the screaming was about, I was the one in the tub! Where should I put this bag?
Dr. Frasier Crane: By the door so you don't forget it when you leave.
Simon Moon: Right. I think I know everyone here.
[spots Roz]
Simon Moon: Or do I? And what would your name be then, Miss?
Roz Doyle: Simon, you low-life idiot! You made a date with me last week and you stood me up!
Simon Moon: Sorry, love, I need a bit more to go on.
Roz Doyle: Maybe this'll refresh your memory.
[slams the door in his face]
Simon Moon: Roz! Of course!


"Frasier: Daphne Hates Sherry (#4.20)" (1997)
Daphne: Sex. That's your answer for everything. It's like you're part rabbit. People ought to rub your feet for luck.

Daphne: You've had your big conk in my business all day!
Sherry: That better mean "nose"!
Daphne: And what if it doesn't?

Daphne: Can't imagine what you must be thinking. Me barging in asking to stay the night...
Niles: Well, gee, I'm just thinking so many things.

Daphne: [about Sherry] She says I'm too rigid.
Niles: Nonsense!
Daphne: And that I'm too picky.
Niles: Poppycock!
Daphne: And that I'd be much happier if I just went out and had sex with someone.
Niles: [after a pause] Just to play devil's advocate...

Daphne: I mean I have been keeping myself on the shelf lately. I'm feeling a little like the good china.
Niles: Someone should be eating off you every day.

Daphne: Well I'm sure there are other intimacies you miss.
Niles: Well, actually I still have a longing for... I still have a desire for... er... Fruit?
Daphne: Sex!
Niles: Er, yes, sex.
Daphne: I'd love some. I mean fruit, although sex is good too.

Daphne: The two of us and just one fan. Well, of course, you're the host, you take it.
Niles: No, I couldn't sleep at all knowing you were in the next room hot and... hot.
Daphne: Well, I suppose under the circumstances we could both sleep in the same room.
Niles: It does oscillate.


"Frasier: The Good Son (#1.1)" (1993)
Daphne: [looking at Martin's chair] Oh, look at that. It's like I always say. Start with a good piece, and replace the rest as you can afford it.

Daphne: You were a policeman, weren't you?
Martin: Yeah, how'd you know?
Daphne: I must confess... I'm a bit psychic.

Daphne: Wait a minute! I'm getting something on you - you're a florist!
Frasier: No, I'm a psychiatrist.
Daphne: Oh, well, it comes and goes. Usually it's strongest around my time of the month... so I guess I let a little secret out there.
Frasier: It's safe with us. Well, Miss Moon, I think we've learned everything we need to about you, and a dash extra!
Daphne: [turning to Eddie] You're a dog, aren't you?

Daphne: Oh, you need privacy. I understand. I'll just pop into the loo. You do have one, don't you?
[Frasier nods yes]
Daphne: Oh, I love America.

Martin: We call him Eddie Spaghetti.
Daphne: Oh, he likes pasta?
Martin: No, he has worms.

Daphne: [Frasier answers the door and Daphne is standing there with her hand down her blouse] Oh, hello. Caught me with me hand in the biscuit tin. I'm Daphne, Daphne Moon.


"Frasier: And the Dish Ran Away with the Spoon: Part 1 (#8.1)" (2000)
[Simon has been opening the gifts from Daphne's canceled wedding]
Daphne Moon: That's stealing! These gifts are going back!
Simon Moon: Never! Returning used merchandise is unethical, and I, for one, will never be party to it.

Dr. Niles Crane: What are you doing?
Daphne Moon: Returning gifts.
Dr. Niles Crane: Oh, right. You know, that's one thing Mel and I avoided by eloping. No gifts to return when you, uh... when...
Simon Moon: When you shag someone else's wife?

Roz Doyle: Daphne, Simon's opening your gifts.
Daphne Moon: Bloody hell!
[runs out]
Simon Moon: Roz, you little snitch! You know, I'm having serious doubts about whether you're going to be the future mother of my children.
Roz Doyle: Somewhere out there, the future mother of your children just lifted her head from a puddle of drool.
Simon Moon: Yeah, but I'll bet she's got a ripper body!

[first lines; Daphne and Niles are fleeing her wedding in Martin's Winnebago]
Dr. Niles Crane: I can't believe this!
Daphne Moon: Neither can I!
Dr. Niles Crane: What made you change your mind?
Daphne Moon: My little niece, Audrey, the flower girl. She looked up at me and said, "You're the saddest bride I've ever seen." I figured, who was I kidding if I couldn't fool a four year old with an eye patch?
Dr. Niles Crane: Remind me to give her a car for her preschool graduation.

Daphne Moon: So did Simon get you home all right after dropping my family at the airport?
Roz Doyle: Oh, yeah. He entertained the whole neighborhood trying to parallel park the Winnebago. The highlight was when he flattened a whole row of newspaper racks.
Martin Crane: How many did he get? My record's five.
Daphne Moon: I suppose he followed that up with some sort of clumsy advance?
Roz Doyle: Oh, he tried, but I told him to get lost. Then he hit on my babysitter! She showed him why she's the star of her JV soccer team.
Daphne Moon: You know, Mum claims he was dropped as a child. I think he was thrown.

Daphne Moon: [fleeing her wedding] I've never done anything this crazy. Are you nervous?
Dr. Niles Crane: Only that I'm going to wake up.


"Frasier: Three Dates and a Breakup (#4.19)" (1997)
Frasier: Daphne, shh... do you hear that?
Daphne Moon: What?
Frasier: The sound of a Sherry-free apartment. I've been basking in it for the last thirty minutes. Right now, I feel like a seafront village after the Vikings have left.

[in the elevator, Frasier starts to re-tuck his shirt, but remembers the hidden camera]
Frasier: Not so fast, Mr. Hicks. You won't find me doing anything foolish.
[He opens his umbrella over his head, and starts to unbuckle his trousers, but finds how hard it is to do with only one hand. When the doors open, Daphne is waiting there, and Frasier shuffles out in a half-crouch, with his pants around his knees and still holding the umbrella over his head]
Frasier: Daphne.
Daphne Moon: Hello, Dr. Crane. Enjoy your evening.
Frasier: Yes, you too.
[She enters the elevator]
Daphne Moon: [to the camera] He's been under a lot of stress lately.

[Daphne is practicing an American accent]
Daphne Moon: I'll see you later.
[normal voice]
Daphne Moon: You see, that's the problem when I speak American, I don't know what to do with my "R"s.
Frasier: Try hauling it out of here!

[while riding up in the elevator, Daphne waves toward the ceiling]
Frasier: What are you doing?
Daphne Moon: Saying hello to Mr. Hicks in security.
Frasier: There's a hidden camera up there?
Daphne Moon: Yes, but he said don't worry about it. He said lots of people pull down their pants to tuck in their shirts. Though he did recommend having that rash looked at.

Daphne Moon: Well, at least they'll be in a good mood when they come out. There's nothing like make-up sex.
Frasier: Daphne, please, Sherry and dad don't have make-up sex.
Daphne Moon: Well of course, they're probably at it right...
Frasier: Daphne, please. I have to sleep at night. My dad and Sherry do *not* have sex!


"Frasier: Moon Dance (#3.13)" (1996)
Niles: Just for tonight, could you call me Niles?
Daphne: When I was in school, I knew a boy named Niles, and I called him Niley.
Niles: Just for tonight, could you call me Niles?

Daphne: Our bodies must be in continuous contact, with not a sliver of daylight between us.
Niles: I can do that.

Daphne: Don't think, just feel. You're an Argentine slum dweller. You have no house, no car. You don't know where your next meal is coming from. But none of that matters, because tonight
[music flourish]
Daphne: we have the Tango.
Niles: Oh mama, I've got it all!

Daphne: Let it out, let it all out!
Niles: Oh Daphne... I ADORE YOU!
Daphne: And I adore you too!
Niles: WHAT?

Daphne: I knew you were a good dancer, but I had no idea you were such a good actor!
Niles: Actor...?
Daphne: 'Daphne, you're a goddess. Daphne, I adore you.' We fooled everyone, didn't we?
Niles: We certainly did.
[finally realizing that Daphne's display of affection for him was an act]


"Frasier: Mother Load: Part 2 (#9.13)" (2002)
Daphne Moon: It was a good idea, taking Mum out today - helped take her mind off Dad.
Dr. Niles Crane: Yeah, although I'm not sure the zoo was the best idea. The sight of those amorous wolverines seemed to set her back a bit.
Daphne Moon: Amorous? I thought they were trying to kill each other.
Dr. Niles Crane: Well, either way, it seemed to remind her of something.

[Frasier sits dejectedly on the couch, clutching an empty wine bottle. Daphne walks in, past the American flag covering the windows]
Daphne Moon: Still awake, Dr. Crane?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes. It's almost dawn's early light, and our flag is still there.

Daphne Moon: [to her mother] Oh, and by the way: I'm no virgin - haven't been for years. You remember that boy with the lazy eye you hated so much? Yeah, he was my first! Did it right in the parlor where you take your tea. Then, there was the German who fixed Dad's car. Oh yeah, and that Irish chap I fancied, who was twice my age and had his own van - and a band! Then I came to America. Shall I go on? Well, I am a grown woman, who's made her own life and her own decisions. Now, I plan to shack up with Niles here, and damned if we aren't gonna do it every night of the week.
[Niles displays an uncomfortable grin]

Daphne Moon: Oh, my God, look at me - I'm shaking! It just came gushing out. Once I started, I couldn't stop.
Dr. Niles Crane: I know, it's all right, it's all right - you were great. You were great - I have never been prouder of you.
Daphne Moon: I can't believe I talked to my mother that way.
Dr. Niles Crane: You must have been pretty outraged to have invented all those former lovers.
Daphne Moon: What?

Gertrude Moon: [from the living room] I'm still waiting out here!
[Irritably, Daphne pokes her head out of the kitchen]
Daphne Moon: It's coming! Pipe down!
Gertrude Moon: Why? Am I interrupting your dirty sex?


"Frasier: The Unkindest Cut of All (#2.2)" (1994)
Frasier: Where are the Thomasons? Why is that dog still here?
Daphne: I'm sorry, Dr. Crane, but they struck me as unfit guardians.
Frasier: Oh for God's sake, he works at the zoo! She's a nurse, Billy's an altar boy and Kathy is a Campfire Girl!
Daphne: They had a dark aura.
Frasier: They had a ten-acre farm! If they'd taken me, I'd have gone with them!

Daphne: [with the box of puppies] I think I've found the perfect name for this one!
Frasier: Stop! Dogs only need names if you're going to call them to you, which we're not!

Frasier: Mrs. Greenway, there's no way Eddie could be the father - he's been neutered.
Mrs. Greenway: Well then, how do you explain these!
[hands Frasier a box of puppies]
Frasier: Oh my God! They're miniature Eddies!
Daphne: Oh, aren't they adorable!
Mrs. Greenway: I'm glad you think so, because they're yours!
Frasier: [to Eddie] Bad dog! Look what you've done!

Daphne: [with the box of puppies] Oh, couldn't you just eat them up!
Frasier: For God sakes, don't love them! They'll think they're staying!

Daphne: Oh, couldn't we just keep them for a while?
Frasier: [with the box of puppies] No, no we don't want them taking after their father. It may be too late already...
[to the puppies]
Frasier: Oh for God's sake, stop staring at me!


"Frasier: Something Borrowed, Someone Blue: Part 2 (#7.24)" (2000)
Daphne: Oh for God's Sake, Dr. Crane.
[kisses him passionately]
Niles: I think you can call me Niles now.

[on a hotel balcony, Niles having asked Daphne to run away with him]
Niles: The stars are out. Lovely breeze. Night blooming jasmine. And, of course, there's the beautiful girl...
Daphne: Dr. Crane, I haven't answered your question yet.
Niles: I know. That's why I keep talking. Then, in case I don't get the answer I want, I can at least make this moment last a little longer.

Niles: [has just found out that Daphne is in love with him] I was just talking to Frasier about a conversation you two had.
Daphne: Oh, dear!
Niles: No, no. Don't get upset.
Daphne: I specifically asked him not to say anything. What was he thinking?
Niles: No, I'm glad he told me.
Daphne: Oh, yes! So we can have a big talk about it! That's what you psychiatrists always do, drag everything out into the open so we can work through it. No matter how awkward it might be. Well, I just don't see the point!
Niles: No, Daphne, I'm glad he told me - because I love you.

Daphne: [Niles has just told her he loves her] Dr. Crane, you shouldn't say such things.
Niles: It's the truth. Lord knows, I have tried to deny it, tried to pretend that I am over you, but not a day has gone by when I haven't thought of you. Your smile, your beautiful eyes, what it would be like to hold your hands and ask you the question I never dared ask!
Donny Douglas: [entering suddenly] What's the difference between a blister and a boil?

[last lines]
Niles: Fasten your seat belt, Daphne.
Daphne: Fasten yours, Niles.


"Frasier: Death Becomes Him (#1.11)" (1993)
Daphne: We women have been poked and prodded my male doctors for centuries. I say it's high time you gents went to see a doctor of the opposite sex. See how you like waiting in that room, sitting there all naked and helpless and goosebumpy.
Frasier: Niles, surely you could recommend someone? Niles!
Niles: I'm sorry, my mind was somewhere else.

Daphne: It won't be so bad. Well, unless you have to parade around the office in one of those gown where your little bum peeks through the back.
Frasier: So Niles, what's Dr Newman's number? Niles. Niles
Niles: I'm sorry, I must have drifted off again.

Niles: I was in the middle of my workout, but, I can always pump iron later.
Daphne: Well, I'll just pop into the kitchen and fix us a snack.
[she exits]
Frasier: Pump iron? Niles, you don't even pump your own gas.

Martin: This is crazy. I'm not going to start putting my name on your stuff.
Frasier: Dad, what happens if I die tomorrow, you and Niles end up in an argument about... well, that African mask, for instance?
Martin: It'll never happen. Niles, you can have it.
Niles: I don't want it.
Daphne: Well, don't look at me. I throw a towel over that thing when you're not home.


"Frasier: Are You Being Served? (#4.21)" (1997)
[the doorbell rings]
Frasier: That'll be Niles. I'm taking him to lunch to get his mind off his troubles.
Daphne: Is that something we shouldn't talk about?
Martin: No, there's no reason why we shouldn't talk about it.
Frasier: Dad, I'm sorry, I don't think he's ready to talk about it so we're not talking about it.
Niles: [from behind the door] Would you mind not talking about it a little less loudly?

Daphne: When will you just admit that this junk belongs in a dustbin?
Martin: You know, I was on a case once where the wife constantly nagged the husband like this. "You never put anything in the garbage. Why don't you ever put anything in the garbage?"
Daphne: Well, he should have listened to her.
Martin: Oh, he did. And that's where we found her!

[Niles is covered in foam]
Daphne: Dr. Crane! Are you all right?
Niles: I'm fine. Just a little hot. And foamy.
Martin: You know what must have happened? My "Hot & Foamy" must have exploded!
Daphne: He was a detective, you know.

Martin: Now the beauty of the "Hot & Foamy" is the ultra-quick heating action. You just plug it in and two minutes later, presto, guess what comes out?
Daphne: [sarcastic] Well, the obvious answer would be shaving cream, so I'll go with... music?
Martin: You had a lot of sassy things to say about my clothes steamer, too. But didn't those snow peas taste delicious?


"Frasier: Good Grief (#6.1)" (1998)
Roz Doyle: [an unemployed Frasier is lying on the couch, sobbing.] Frasier, it's all in how you look at things. Look at my life...
Dr. Frasier Crane: [still crying] No career, no relationship, no hope!
Roz Doyle: You can say the same thing about me.
Dr. Frasier Crane: I was talking about you!
[Roz smacks him]
Daphne Moon: Dr. Crane, my Grammy Moon used to say--
[Frasier yells loudly.]
Martin Crane: What are you trying to do, kill him?

Dr. Niles Crane: Frasier, you're not famous ANYMORE!
[Frasier starts bawling]
Martin Crane: What in the hell did you do that for?
Dr. Niles Crane: Dad, he needed a push.
Martin Crane: But look at him! This can't be good!
Dr. Niles Crane: No, it IS good. Let it all out, Frasier, let it all out, good, that's right.
[Frasier carries on]
Dr. Niles Crane: That's probably enough now, okay.
Martin Crane: How much more can be in there?
Dr. Niles Crane: Okay, alright, yeah. That's probably enough now.
[to Martin]
Dr. Niles Crane: I don't think I can get him to stop.
Martin Crane: But this is sickening!
Daphne Moon: What're we gonna do?
Martin Crane: Somebody get that Monte Cristo in there!

Daphne Moon: [Frasier is having a hysterical breakdown] Well don't blame this on me! She brought the bloody tape over!
Roz Doyle: Oh, so this is all my fault? You saw that tape!
Daphne Moon: I've seen your baby too, she could stand to miss a meal or two!
Roz Doyle: She's a healthy baby!

Dr. Frasier Crane: [sending Daphne to the storage room with a heavy box she just brought up] Thank you, Daphne, and when you're done with that I need you to run some errands for me. I need a very sturdy lemon zester, some more music paper some potting soil, and an easel.
Daphne Moon: Oh, be happy to!
[Niles comes in behind her]
Daphne Moon: Then after that maybe I can draw a bath, strip you naked and scrub you with a loofah, would that be alright, Dr. Crane?
Dr. Niles Crane: Yes.
Daphne Moon: [turns around and laughs] Oh, I didn't even see you standing there!


"Frasier: My Coffee with Niles (#1.24)" (1994)
Martin: Come on, we've gotta hurry up because the boys are taking us to Hoppy's Old Heidleberg tonight for dinner!
Daphne: Oh, great, German food. We whipped the Jerries twice this century and they still have the last laugh.

Daphne: [on Martin] I don't know what's wrong with him. Lately, he's had a face as long as a wet weekend. Yesterday, when I insisted he do his exercises, he told me to put my feet behind my head and spin like a top.
[Niles gets a glazed, dreamy look]
Frasier: Oh well, the best thing to do is just ignore him when he gets sarcastic. Isn't that right, Niles... Niles?
Niles: [snaps back] I'm sorry, Frasier. For some reason I feel a little dizzy.

Daphne: [walking in] There you are. I've been up and down Third Street looking for you.
Martin: Oh, I was on Fourth Street, Eddie had already smelled everything on Third. How did you know I was coming back here anyway?
Daphne: I had one of my psychic flashes. Bang, there you were, walking through the door of Café Nervosa. And there you were, apologizing for the way you've treated me this past week.
Martin: Yeah, I'm sorry about that, Daphne. Just forget about it, all right?
Daphne: And something about a raise...
Martin: You're winging it now, aren't you?
Daphne: Am I that transparent?
Martin: No, I'm psychic.

Daphne: [Martin has just left in a huff] Well, I guess I better go after him.
Dr. Niles Crane: Oh, here.
[hands her his umbrella]
Dr. Niles Crane: Take my bumbershoot.
Daphne: Oh, isn't that nice, well at least someone appreciates my mother tongue.
[leaves]
Dr. Niles Crane: Yes, I've always had an ear for your tongue.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Niles!


"Frasier: You Scratch My Book... (#2.15)" (1995)
[Niles brings Daphne her profit from a stock tip he gave her]
Daphne: You have to help me decide what to do with it.
Niles: Well, you might want to consider letting Wendel re-invest it. That's what I'm doing. It's called "rolling it over."
[Frasier enters]
Daphne: Then I'll do it. Oh, this is so exciting!
Frasier: What's all this?
Daphne: Well, your brother just gave me two hundred dollars, and now he's going to roll me over.
Frasier: Niles?
Niles: [embarrassed] Communications breakdown.
Frasier: Good.

[about Honey Snow]
Daphne: You should try reading one of her books.
Frasier: Well, I have. Believe me, after one page, I was yearning for the worldly cynicism of Barney the Dinosaur.

Daphne: [meeting Honey] Well, we've both got sort of unusual names: Daphne Moon, Honey Snow. Come to think of it, if you married my father, your name would be Honey Moon.

Daphne: I'm off to the Book Nook. Dr. Snow is signing copies of her new bestseller.
Martin Crane: Hey, wait a minute! You're going out? What about my whirlpool therapy?
Daphne: Oh, right. I forgot. Maybe you could go to the book signing for me, Dr. Crane. It's right around the corner from the station.
Frasier: I would sooner attend a hoedown.
Niles: I would gladly go, but I've got my compulsive spending seminar, and I'm hoping to unload the rest of these raffle tickets.


"Frasier: Sweet Dreams (#5.24)" (1998)
Frasier: You know, frankly, I'm terribly upset about this. You know, I think we'll go down there and join that rally.
Roz: Good for you, Frasier.
Frasier: I refuse to stand idly by while some fat-cat bully rides roughshod over the little people.
Daphne Moon: I don't want to go to a rally!
Frasier: Oh, tough luck - you're the chauffeur!

[Frasier and Daphne have arrived at the rally]
Daphne Moon: This is actually rather exciting. I must say, I never thought you to be the protest type.
Frasier: Oh, on the contrary, Daphne, I was quite the activist in my college days. You know, there's nothing like throwing in with a fearless band of scruffy young rebels thumbing their noses at convention.
Daphne Moon: So did you go in for the whole package, then? Long hair, bell bottoms, beads?
Frasier: Oh, heavens no. I did have a pair of psychedelic suspenders that raised an eyebrow or two.
[chuckles]

[Martin has just returned with Daphne, having bailed her from jail]
Frasier: Daphne! Daphne, it's so good to have you home, safe and sound.
Daphne Moon: Sod off.
Martin Crane: She's a little mad at ya.
Frasier: Yes, thank you, Dad.
Frasier: Daphne, I am so sorry. I feel just terrible.
Daphne Moon: As you should. You left me handcuffed and helpless.
Dr. Niles Crane: If you ever find yourself in that position again, be sure to call on me.
[a look of innocent confusion from Daphne and eye-rolling from Frasier]
Dr. Niles Crane: ...for help.

Daphne Moon: Thank you, Dr. Crane. Shame on you, Dr. Crane. Why can't you be more like Dr. Crane?


"Frasier: Halloween (#5.3)" (1997)
[Roz comes to the Halloween Party dressed in a saucy S&M outfit]
Daphne: Wow. Roz, don't you look smashing.
Eve: What an interesting costume, who are you?
Roz: I'm O. from the "Story of O."
Everyone: Ohhh...
Roz: It's gonna be a long night.

Daphne: Join me in my bedchamber, my lord?
Frasier: After you, my juicy wench!
Niles: "My juicy wench?"
[into phone]
Niles: No, no, not you, Maris! Wait, wait!
[to Frasier]
Niles: I hope you're happy, she's run for her water pills!

Daphne: I think you look particularly lovely tonight. There's a real glow about you.
Roz: Oh no! Oh God, not a glow!
[calms down]
Roz: I'm sorry, I'm just a little jumpy. I had...kind of an accident, and I just haven't found out what the damage is yet. Actually, I need to check my machine. Do you know where a phone is?
Daphne: Yeah, there's one at the top of the stairs.
Roz: Thank you.
Daphne: Try not to worry. A few years back, I got rear-ended. Is that what happened to you?
Roz: Not exactly.

Frasier: Daphne, have you seen Roz?
Daphne: Probably on the phone. Seems like every fifteen minutes she's calling her machine again. This little accident's got her pretty worried.
Frasier: She told you about it?
Niles: [tipsy, with two glasses] Champagne?
Frasier: Oh, not now, Niles. Excuse us, we need a moment alone.
[He pulls Daphne aside to a corner of the room.]
Daphne: Roz told me all about it. It's no big deal. Accidents happen even when you're being careful. I had one meself a few years back.
Frasier: Oh, Daphne, really?
Daphne: Yeah. It was one of those real wham-bam numbers. He was drunk and I wasn't paying attention...
Frasier: Oh...
Daphne: I called and called, but never got a penny out of him.
Frasier: I had no idea!
Daphne: Oh, it's not that bad. For goodness' sake, back in Manchester, what with all those drunken louts out and about, it must have happened to me at least a dozen times.


"Frasier: The Love You Fake (#9.20)" (2002)
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, Joe has found the source of the leak in my ceiling. It is Cam Winston's brand new washing machine! By God, for this time he's gone too far! As if his noise and noxious presence at the condo board meetings weren't bad enough. Have you ever heard of anything more fury inspiring?
Daphne Moon: I certainly have not. Imagine the cheek of the man, installing an illegal washer-dryer.
Joe: Oh, they're not illegal. A lot of the units have them. You guys have a hookup in the hall closet where you keep all those hats...
[Daphne glares at Frasier]
Dr. Frasier Crane: First of all, I had completely forgotten about the hookup. Second of all, I believe the homburg is poised for a comeback,

Martin Crane: I've done some calculating, and in the last nine years, I've carried 2.8 tons of laundry approximately 106.4 miles back and forth to the basement. That's the same as carrying an SUV on my back to Canada!
Daphne Moon: Maybe we should ask him to buy a washer-dryer.
Martin Crane: Oh, there's an idea! I was going to suggest moving the apartment closer to the laundry room.

Cora Winston: Hello, Daphne, Martin. I just came by to check on my patient.
Daphne Moon: Oh, he's much better. I'm off to do the laundry.
Cora Winston: You don't have your own here?
Daphne Moon: ...No. We have a hat museum.

[Frasier angrily confronts Daphne about his missing socks]
Daphne Moon: I'm sorry, Dr. Crane. I'm forced to do the laundry downstairs, and I guess your socks are just too tempting to the neighbors. Of course, you're welcome to go down there yourself and stand guard.
Dr. Frasier Crane: I see. But if we had our own washer-dryer, there would be no more lost socks. I will not be strong- armed by threats against my laundry!
Daphne Moon: Suit yourself. I'm off to do a load of your pinks.
Dr. Frasier Crane: [confused] I don't have any pinks.
Daphne Moon: You will!


"Frasier: The Matchmaker (#2.3)" (1994)
Daphne: It's me love life.
Frasier: Really? You've been seeing a man?
Daphne: Only when I close me eyes and concentrate.

Daphne Moon: Does he ask permission first? Oh no, he just barges in and says he's set me up with God-knows-who, and I'm supposed to turn cartwheels like I'm bloody Cinderella.
Frasier: Will you please relax? Look, I told you, this is not a set-up. Tom doesn't even know you'll be here.
Daphne Moon: Oh, an ambush then. Much nicer! My girlfriends in Manchester used to set me up all the time. And it was always some gangly bounder with a boarding-house reach. And he wasn't going for the Coleman's Hot Mustard, if you know what I mean.

Frasier: Just keep in mind, Tom is just a co-worker who's coming by for a pleasant little dinner. If some sparks should ignite, then fine, but there is no pressure, absolutely no pressure... is that what you're wearing?
Daphne Moon: Why, what's wrong with it?
Frasier: Don't you have something with a little more oomph? Oh, what about that, that strapless number you have?
Daphne Moon: Do you have any idea how uncomfortable a strapless bra is?
Frasier: Well, thanks to my fraternity days, as a matter of fact I do.

Frasier: Tom, I'd like you to meet Daphne. Daphne this is Tom Duran.
Tom Duran: [shaking hands] Pleasure to meet you.
Daphne Moon: Likewise. Oh, Dr. Crane, you didn't take his coat!
Frasier: Oh, sorry.
Daphne Moon: May I?
[Tom turns around. As Daphne takes his coat, she turns to Frasier and mouths, "HE'S GORGEOUS! THANK YOU, THANK YOU!"]


"Frasier: Duke's, We Hardly Knew Ye (#2.5)" (1994)
Daphne: Excuse me? What kind of randy custom is that? First date, second date, whoops, let's all pitch our knickers? The third date might mean that to you Americans, but it takes more than three dates to get bangers and mash with Daphne Moon.

Daphne: If you ask me, you Americans have an unhealthy obsession with sex.
Martin: Hey, I'm sorry we can't all be as chaste and restrained as the Royal Family!
Frasier: Good one, Dad!
Martin: I've been saving it!

Daphne: I have never met a family that worked so hard at being uncomfortable with each other!

[Frasier and Niles wonder why Martin invited them to Duke's Bar]
Daphne: Could it be that he just wants to lift a pint with his sons?
Niles: No. Duke's is where dad hangs out with his cop buddies. It's where he goes to escape the stresses, strains, and petty annoyances of everyday life.
Frasier: In other words, us.


"Frasier: Death and the Dog (#4.12)" (1997)
Roz: Would you date a gynecologist?
Daphne: Oh God no. I wouldn't even date a dentist - hands in people's mouths all day - and after watching Eddie's complete physical, I'm not eager to date a vet anytime soon either.

Daphne: The biggest thing in my life is that I got all my hair cut off months ago and no one's even mentioned it.

Frasier: [a doggie shrink has come to examine depressed Eddie] I don't whether my father told you, but my brother and I happen to be psychiatrists.
Dr. Arnold Shaw: Oh, how nice, I always enjoy being in company of colleages.
Niles: I'm sorry, did you say 'colleages' or 'Collies?'
[Niles and Frasier laugh]
Dr. Arnold Shaw: [gives them a snide look] Very clever, very clever. So, shall we begin?
[to Eddie]
Dr. Arnold Shaw: Hello, Eddie, I'm Dr. Shaw. And I'm here to get to know you and help you get better. You're very sad, aren't you? It's okay to be sad, sometimes I'm sad, too. We're going to spend the next hour trying to figure out why you're sad.
Frasier: If you give a dog an hour, you can bill him for seven!
[He and Niles laugh again]
Dr. Arnold Shaw: I'm sorry, I get the feeling that some of us aren't taking this seriously.
Frasier: I apologize; it all just seems a bit silly.
Dr. Arnold Shaw: Silly? I have you know I just attended the funeral of one Buttons McFarlen whose owners felt the same way.
[Niles and Frasier stifle snickers and Martin waves his cane at them]
Dr. Arnold Shaw: First, I'd like to administer a dog personality profile quiz I developed. My first questions are based on how you think Eddie might behave if you were a human being.
Frasier: Oh boy!
Niles: Here we go!
Daphne Moon: [whisper to boys:] Shush, this isn't a joke! This is very serious.
Dr. Arnold Shaw: If human Eddie were planning a dinner party, what might he serve?
Martin: I'd say meatloaf. Not the plain kind, but the one with the fancy tomato soup glaze on top.
Niles: It might be a bit underdone though, he has trouble reaching the knobs on the stove.
[He and Frasier laugh]
Daphne Moon: Poached salmon... I don't know why!
Dr. Arnold Shaw: Interesting. Question two: What do you imagine human Eddie's first words to be?
Frasier: Well, I should hope: 'Give me a breath mint!'
[laughs]
Frasier: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Right, next one.
Dr. Arnold Shaw: What do you imagine would be human Eddie's favorite cologne?
Martin: Rock Revelver... It's a little strong but I think he can pull it off.
Daphne Moon: Grey Flannel... I don't know why!
Frasier: Cologne? Well, actually I think he would prefer toilet water!
Niles: By the way, same answer for favorite beverage!
[He and Frasier laugh loudly and high-five each other]
Dr. Arnold Shaw: I'm sensing a lot of hostility here.
Frasier: Well, I'm sorry, but I don't see the point. What is any of this telling you about Eddie?
Dr. Arnold Shaw: The point was not to learn about Eddie but was to learn about all of you and might I say...
[glares at the brothers]
Dr. Arnold Shaw: mission accomplished!

Daphne Moon: [dreamily] If Eddie were one of the Beatles, I think he'd be George... I don't know why!
[She exits]
Frasier: And yet she's never been commited.
[imitating her]
Frasier: I don't know why!


"Frasier: Where There's Smoke, There's Fired (#3.21)" (1996)
Daphne: Who's staying all weekend?
Niles: Bebe Glazer.
Martin: [worried] Here?
Martin: [worried] What does she have to stay here for?
Frasier: She's trying to quit smoking.
Martin: [sarcastic] Oh great, that means she'll be extra lovable.

[Bebe is being forced to quit smoking]
Daphne: Well, I smoked for years but I never became addicted. To this day, I can buy a pack, have a cig or two, toss them in a drawer and not crave another for months.
Bebe: You know there's a word for people who can do that. What is it? Oh, yes: bitch!

Bebe: After dinner is the time I need a cigarette most. As long as I don't stop eating, I'll be fine.
Frasier: This is very good, Bebe. You're already identifying those moments that trigger your worst cravings.
Bebe: [sarcastic] Yeah, yeah!
Frasier: No, really, perhaps it would help to know that you're not alone. Dad is an ex-smoker; Dad, can you tell us about when you crave a cigarette most?
Martin: Ah, when I had insomnia. I'd get up, pour a glass full of Bourbon, light a cigarette, next thing you know, I couldn't keep my eyes open. Nothing relaxes you like a cigarette. Of course, it gives you a hell of a headache in the morning.
Daphne: Well, I smoked for years but I never became addicted. To this day, I can buy a pack, have a cig or two, toss them in a drawer and not crave another for months.
Bebe: You know there's a word for people who can do that... what is it? Oh yes - bitch!
Niles: There's no need to be insulting just because you're wrestling with an unhealthy and disgusting habit.
Bebe: It isn't disgusting; it's wonderful!
Frasier: What is so wonderful about smoking?
Bebe: Everything! I like the way a fresh firm pack feels in my hand. I like peeling away that little piece of cellophane and seeing it twinkle in the light. I like coaxing that first sweet cylinder out of its hiding place and bringing it slowly up to my lips. Striking a match, watching it burst into a perfect little flame and knowing that soon that flame will be inside me!
[Begins displaying innuendo]
Bebe: I love the first puff, pulling it into my lungs... little fingers of smoking filling me, caressing me, feeling that warmth penetrate deeper and deeper until I think I'm going to burst!
[Frasier raises his eyebrow]
Bebe: Then 'woosh!'... watching it flow out of me in a lovely sinuous cloud, no two ever quite the same!
Daphne: [Visibly aroused, as are the others] More potatoes, anyone?

Bebe: [Early morning. Bebe is asleep on the couch. Daphne, in her robe, slowly creeps into the room with a pack of cigarettes in her hand. She quietly opens the balcony door. Bebe stays asleep as Daphne puts a cigarette to her lips. However, the sound of her striking a match wakes Bebe in an instant. She tiptoes over to the balcony door] You're up early, Miss Moon!
Daphne: God, you startled me!
[laughs]
Daphne: Ever since your little speech about smoking, I haven't been able to think about anything else. Please, don't mention this to Dr. Crane.
Bebe: Silence has its price, dear. And I think we both know what that is.
Daphne: Forget it! You can't make me give you one of these.
Bebe: Oh, can't I?
[She slams the balcony door shut, locking Daphne out]
Daphne: You open up right now!
Bebe: All right, missy, here's the drill! You drop those cigarettes, I'll open the door, you kick 'em over to me... capiche?
Daphne: No!
[She runs to the other door; it's locked]
Bebe: [evil] Oh, is it cold outside?
Daphne: All right, you asked for it!
[She takes the packet and holds it over the balcony]
Bebe: No, no! Please, I beg you.
Daphne: Oh, oh no. My fingers are getting weak! Oh, I'm losing me grip!
Bebe: Stop, please! I'll give you anything you want. I'll make you a star!
[opens door]
Frasier: [enters] What the hell's going on out here?
Bebe: [childish brat voice] Daphne was smoking!
Daphne: She made me!


"Frasier: Give Him the Chair! (#1.19)" (1994)
[off-screen, Eddie is barking]
Frasier: What is the matter with him?
Daphne: He saw your father's chair was gone, and he's afraid it means your father's gone too. I think he suspects foul play.
[Eddie keeps barking]
Frasier: Oh, stop it! If I had stuck Dad's feet into a bucket of cement and thrown him into Puget Sound, you would have been the tiny little splash that followed him!

[Niles lets Daphne try on a necklace he bought for Maris, but it falls down the front of her blouse; Frasier enters]
Frasier: Hello, Niles. Whatever are you doing here?
Niles: I, um, bought an emerald necklace for Maris, and I needed some place to hide it for her birthday.
Frasier: Emeralds? Well, may I see it?
Niles: Not at the moment, no.
Frasier: Why not?
Daphne: It's down my blouse.
Frasier: I see. Well, I'm sure Maris will never think of looking for it there.

Daphne: [getting kicked out of Martin's new chair] Oh, all right. Just like a man. Now you've had your fun, you don't care where I am!

[sitting in a vibrating massage chair]
Daphne: Hello! Ohh... ohh... ohh... this is enough to make me give up my search for a meaningful relationship.


"Frasier: The Two Mrs. Cranes (#4.1)" (1996)
Daphne: I didn't mean to put you in an awkward position.
Niles: When it comes to you, no position is too awkward.

Daphne: You get rid of her now, or it's Rattlesnake Ridge for you.
Dr. Frasier Crane: You wouldn't!
Daphne: Oh, wouldn't I? And by the way, Stinky needs a ride.
[Frasier gasps]

Daphne: [referring to Clive] Oh, we were mad for each other. He was very sweet and had the most gorgeous eyes you ever saw.
Niles: But...
Daphne: Oh yes, that, too.


"Frasier: The First Temptation of Daphne (#9.3)" (2001)
Roz Doyle: Okay, so who is she?
Daphne Moon: Who's who?
Roz Doyle: Niles' patient.
Daphne Moon: All right. I saw one of his files by mistake. The woman is madly in love with him.
Roz Doyle: So who is she?
Daphne Moon: Her name is Heather Murphy.
Roz Doyle: Heather, huh? That's trouble. What else do you know?
Daphne Moon: Well, that's it. I only got a quick look at the file.
Roz Doyle: So what are you gonna do?
Daphne Moon: Nothing. Niles said he can't talk about his patients, so... what choice do I have? I should trust him.
Roz Doyle: If I found out some babe was after my guy, I would have to know everything about her. What she looks like, her profession, what she's being treated for.
Daphne Moon: Yeah, I don't think that's relevant.
Roz Doyle: What if she's a sex addict?
Daphne Moon: You can be treated for that?
Roz Doyle: So they say.

Daphne Moon: I know you're angry, but please say something.
Dr. Niles Crane: Angry doesn't begin to describe it.
Daphne Moon: Niles...
Dr. Niles Crane: You have violated this person's privacy. If she found out, I... they could suspend my license.
Daphne Moon: I am so sorry.
Dr. Niles Crane: And you don't trust me. How could you possibly think there could be somebody else?
Daphne Moon: Because I was "somebody else".
Dr. Niles Crane: What?
Daphne Moon: You were married to two other women while you claimed to have been in love with me. And now that we're together, how can I be sure - really sure - that there won't ever be another somebody else?
Dr. Niles Crane: Because I would never... because this time, it's different. Our love is different. It's not based on somebody's expectations or-or... anything I'm supposed to be. Uh... when I was with Maris, or with Mel, I found myself thinking about you. Going about my day or, uh... even when I was in a session. I found myself thinking about you. Well, now we're together. I find myself thinking about you. It's not going to stop.

Dr. Niles Crane: [Daphne has read one of his patient files] Those files are confidential. How could you?
Daphne Moon: Look, before you get going, you should probably know...
Dr. Niles Crane: No, there's no excuse. That is the worst thing you could have done.
Daphne Moon: You would think so.


"Frasier: And the Dish Ran Away with the Spoon: Part 2 (#8.2)" (2000)
[Frasier has offered to take Daphne out to get her mind off her troubles, but she has declined]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Sure you won't change your mind?
Daphne Moon: Positive.
[Simon comes back from walking Eddie]
Simon Moon: Hello! We've just finished our daily constitutional, with young Edward here dropping a few amendments along the way. So what's on the docket for tonight then?
Daphne Moon: All I want is a quiet evening at home.
Simon Moon: Oh, Stilts, you and I are of one mind. I'll hoist a beer while you get dinner started. And then when our bellies are full and you've done the dishes, we will adjourn to the Winnebago, where Mr. Jean-Claude Van Damme, the "Muscles From Brussels" will ply his trade against the forces of evil.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Ready at eight?
Daphne Moon: Make it seven-thirty.

Daphne Moon: Explain to me again how you and Mel masquerading as husband and wife is a good thing?
Dr. Niles Crane: Well...
Dr. Frasier Crane: If I may? Uh, Daphne, it's basically to give Mel a little wiggle room so she can get out of this debacle with her dignity intact.
Daphne Moon: [takes Niles's hand] And what about Niles' dignity?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, Maris got that in the divorce.
[laughing]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Sorry, Niles.

Dr. Niles Crane: So where you from?
Daphne Moon: Manchester, England.
Dr. Niles Crane: Oh, my. Big family?
Daphne Moon: Hideously. And you?
Dr. Niles Crane: I'm from a small mountain village in Tibet.
[She laughs]
Dr. Niles Crane: Tenzing Norgay used to carry me to school.


"Frasier: Crock Tales (#11.22)" (2004)
Daphne: Dr. Crane, I know what you're going to do!
Niles: You do?
Daphne: Not you, Dr. Crane, Dr. Crane! And you can't fire me, because I quit!
Frasier: What?
Daphne: After all I've done to save you money! I'm washing my face with dish soap while you're out buying imported bath salts like a big rich girl! I hope you rot in debtors' prison!

[on the Fourth of July, Frasier looks at his balcony rail]
Frasier: Wait a minute. Is my bunting a-droop? It's supposed to drape evenly. Oh, for God's sakes.
Daphne: You're not going to send me back to the Space Needle with binoculars and a walkie-talkie again, are you?

Daphne: [Speaking about sex with Niles] ... and just when I thought I'd worn him out, he flips me over like a griddle cake and we were off again! I tell you he's spoiled me for any other man.
Roz: Niles? Frasier's brother Niles?


"Frasier: Miracle on Third or Fourth Street (#1.12)" (1993)
Daphne: I promised my Uncle Jackie I'd fly down to San Francisco to be with him.
Martin: Well, I guess you should be with your family at this time of year, it's more traditional.
Daphne: Except that Jackie's a transvestite. Getting a bit long in the tooth for it too, if you ask me. Last Thanksgiving he ate too much turkey and I had to cut him out of his pantyhose.

Daphne: [Niles is making Daphne try on dresses] Shall I put the red one back on so you can make a choice?
Frasier: No, I think Niles has all the information he needs.
Niles: [guilty] You know, Maris and Daphne are roughly the same size.
Frasier: Give or take a foot.

Daphne: Ooh, I'm glad to be out of that black one. I had to take me undies off just to get the zipper up.
[Niles drops his glass]


"Frasier: She's the Boss (#3.1)" (1995)
Frasier: [Eddie is barking at the dog upstairs] Oh, for God's sake, I am trying to get some sleep! I asked you to keep that dog quiet, and instead you outfit him with a megaphone! In the last thirty-six hours I haven't had so much as a nap, and I've got to be back at the station by 2 A.M.
[stares at Eddie]
Frasier: Eddie, listen carefully. By the time this day is up, one of us is going to sleep.
[Eddie ducks his head]
Daphne Moon: Oh, don't worry, Dr. Crane, I'll take Eddie for a walk. And as far as your problem at work goes, if you want my opinion...
Frasier: DON'T! I've had my share of women's opinions for the week, between the station's new Reich Chancellor and Roz's incessant whining! As far as I'm concerned, your entire sex can put a sock in it!
[stomps off to his room]
Martin Crane: Boy, you'd never let me get away with a comment like that.
Daphne Moon: [gets up and goes to the door] Oh, even the best of us can get a bit cranky when we're overtired. All Dr. Crane needs right now is a little peace and quiet. Eddie?
[she sticks two fingers in her mouth and blasts a shrill whistle]
Frasier: [from his room] Damn it!

[after Martin brings Eddie in from a fight with another dog, Frasier enters the living room]
Frasier: What's all this?
Daphne Moon: Eddie was viciously attacked.
Frasier: Oh. Is that coffee cake I smell?

Daphne Moon: What are you doing up so early?
Frasier: Oh, the new station manager's taking over today. She wanted to meet with all of us.
Martin Crane: 'She'? Oh, working for a woman, huh?
Frasier: Yes. Why?
Martin Crane: Well, it's tough on guys, taking orders from a woman. We resent it.
Frasier: That's absurd. If I had trouble taking orders from a woman, Frederick would never have been conceived.


"Frasier: Head Game (#4.5)" (1996)
[Niles, Martin, and Daphne go to a basketball game]
Martin: Wow. Right on the hardwood, five feet from the baseline.
[Niles chuckles, then turns to Daphne]
Daphne: It's like front row orchestra, stage right.
Martin: Man, we're so close we're gonna get our teeth rattled when they center-pick.
[Niles turns to Daphne]
Daphne: It's like sitting close enough to get hit by Placido Domingo's spit.
[the buzzer goes]
Niles: What the hell was that?
Martin: That's the end of the shooter round. The coach is about to send the starting five in for the tip-off.
[Niles turns to Daphne]
Daphne: The stage manager just called places.

Daphne: Oh isn't this nice? Dr Crane sent us a post card from Aspen.
Martin: Great. How's he doin?
Daphne: Lets see. I delivered a speech at the conference last night. I was especially pleased with my opening line. 'My fellow psychiatrists: As I watched you on the slopes today, I realized I'd never seen so many Freudians slip.'

Daphne: [interrupting Martin who's been complaining about a game on TV] Shh! Quiet! This is my favorite commercial!
Daphne: [yelling at the TV] No! Don't pick that floor cleaner, it'll give your floors waxy build-up!
Daphne: [still yelling at the TV] No! Don't do it! Don't do it! - D-oh-h
[Martin rolls his eyes]


"Frasier: Sleeping with the Enemy (#3.6)" (1995)
Daphne: Oh, come on now, Dr Crane. It's not like men have never used sex to get what they want.
Frasier: How can we possibly *use* sex to get what we want? Sex *is* what we want.

Frasier: I was elected by the employees to present our demands to Kate.
Daphne: Well, that was a smart move. Did you give her a good tongue lashing?
Frasier: In a manner of speaking, yes.

Daphne: Why, you could be standing next to a person month after month, and then the next thing you know, you're tearing each other's clothes off. There's a word for it.
Dr. Niles Crane: Hope.


"Frasier: Seat of Power (#2.11)" (1994)
[mopping up the bathroom after Frasier and Niles's failed attempt to fix the toilet]
Daphne Moon: What a lovely way to spend an afternoon.
Frasier: Well Daphne, we're not plumbers, we're psychiatrists.
Daphne Moon: Yeah, well there are some heads you shouldn't tamper with.

Daphne Moon: Eddie, let's go for another walk!
Martin Crane: I thought you already walked him this morning?
Daphne Moon: I did, twice.
Martin Crane: He's gotta go again?
Daphne Moon: No, actually I do!
[Martin and Frasier look askance]
Daphne Moon: That didn't sound right. There's a very nice-looking gentleman who plays frisbee in the park with his Labrador. Eddie and I are hoping to run into them again. Come on, Eddie!
[she tugs on his leash, Eddie doesn't move]
Daphne Moon: He's just playing hard to get.
Frasier: I'm glad somebody is.

[Niles paces back and forth on Frasier's balcony, swatting Frasier's ficus plant every time he passes it]
Daphne Moon: What's Dr. Crane doing?
Frasier: He's a little frustrated because I wouldn't let him do something. He's taking his anger out on my ficus.
Daphne Moon: I've never seen him so angry, he's like a madman.
[Niles starts waving his arms around like a madman. Frasier lets him in]
Niles: Good Lord! There's a bee out there the size of a wood finch!


"Frasier: Wheels of Fortune (#9.16)" (2002)
Frasier: Bravo, Blaine. This is the best one yet, but you forget with whom you're dealing. I've seen it all.
Daphne Moon: Dr. Crane, the man is in a wheelchair!
Frasier: Which means that somewhere, someone is missing a wheelchair!

Blaine Sternin: I guess it started with my car accident. I was driving drunk, which I had done one too many times. Oh, you know, it was a sign.
Daphne Moon: From God?
Blaine Sternin: No, from the highway department. It said, "Lane Ends," and I just plowed right into it. The next thing I saw was a bright light and a tunnel.
Daphne Moon: So, you had a near-death experience?
Blaine Sternin: No, it was a CAT scan.

Daphne Moon: Well, Dr. Crane, you needn't worry about Blaine asking you for money anymore. He's received the thousand dollars he needs for Sunday.
Frasier: What nitwit gave him a thousand dollars?
Dr. Niles Crane: Now, Frasier, that's not fair. Perhaps whoever did it simply has a kind heart and a trusting nature that I, for one, find refreshing.
Frasier: Oh, Daphne.


"Frasier: Shutout in Seattle: Part 2 (#6.24)" (1999)
Frasier: As long as we're tying up loose ends here, I was just wondering, what was your ring doing on the edge of my Jacuzzi tub, right next to my favorite scented candle - which was burned down to the wick?
Daphne Moon: I'm going to let my attorney handle this one.
[goes into the kitchen]
Daphne Moon: I'm sorry, Frasier. I guess after a little champagne we got into the mood, and into the nude, and into the tub. But don't worry, we'll replace the candle.
Frasier: If only you could replace the image.

Frasier: I was just undressing to take my bath, when I sat on the edge of the tub and landed... on this.
Daphne Moon: Oh my God, you found my ring! I'd given up, I thought it was someplace I'd never find it!
Frasier: It very nearly was.

Donny Douglas: Oh! You found your ring.
Daphne Moon: What... you knew it was gone?
Donny Douglas: Well, Daphne, when your fiancée gives you a hug with a chicken on her hand, then bells go off.


"Frasier: A Lilith Thanksgiving (#4.7)" (1996)
[Roz is house-sitting for Frasier]
Daphne: If you change the paper towels, he likes the flap facing the front. If you change the bathroom tissue, the flap faces the back, don't ask me why.
Roz: I don't know how you live with him.
Daphne: Huh, I don't know how you work with him.
Roz: Well, I have learned a trick: when he's really bugging me, I ask if he hasn't lost a little weight. Before you know it, he's checking his butt out in the glass of the candy machine.
Daphne: Really? I tell him he's gained weight. He skips dinner, sulks in his room, and I have the whole evening to myself.
[they laugh and clink glasses]

Daphne: If you don't mind my asking, are you taking anything along to keep your nephew amused?
Niles: Yes, his grandfather.

Roz: This uncle of yours - does he dress like a woman all the time?
Daphne: No, certainly not for work. His congregation would never stand for it.


"Frasier: An Affair to Forget (#2.21)" (1995)
Niles: So, you want to build a two-master schooner...
Daphne Moon: Schooner? I thought it was a frigate.
Niles: No, a frigate has a fore-and-aft mainsail.
Daphne Moon: No, no, that's a brigantine.
Niles: Oh, you're right. Well, then what's a frigate?
Martin: That's when you just don't give a damn anymore!
[leaves]

[Martin and Niles are building a model sailing ship]
Daphne Moon: Did I ever mention one of my ancestors was a mutineer on the H.M.S. Bounty?
Martin: No kidding.
Daphne Moon: Yeah, from what we can tell, he made it safely to Pitcairn Island, where he was quite fruitful and multiplied. You know, for all I know, there's some girl who looks exactly like me running around the South Seas, frolicking in the surf, all brown-skinned and bare-breasted...
[Niles snaps the mast he's holding in two, sending the pieces flying over the table]
Niles: So you want to build a two-masted schooner...

Daphne Moon: I've got to stop walking in on the middle of conversations.


"Frasier: Mixed Doubles (#4.6)" (1996)
Niles: I would have said, "Is this seat taken?" and you would have said "No." You would have said, "My name is Daphne." I would have said, "My name is Niles." And then I would have said, "What are you doing for the rest of your life?"
Daphne: You always know the right thing to say. Oh, I love you Dr Crane.
Niles: And I love you too, Daphne.

Daphne: Last night, Roz insisted on taking me to this bar she calls "The Sure Thing."
Frasier: How flattering: They've named a bar after her.

Daphne: Isn't Rodney just great? You know, I think it was the moment I broke up with Joe that I heard a voice saying, "Daphne, it's time you went for a completely new type of man."
Niles: [Daphne leaves. Niles grabs a spatula] You're a dead man!
[lunges at Frasier and is blocked by Martin]
Frasier: Let's serve our guests their coffee!
[Frasier and Martin carry cups of coffee out to the living room]
Frasier: Here we are, coffee. Milk's on its way; Niles is still steaming.


"Frasier: Flour Child (#2.4)" (1994)
Daphne: [while Eddie is eating Niles' flour, which he is using to prove he can take care of a child] That dingo's got your baby.

[on their way home, the boys have a small adventure helping their cab driver to deliver her baby]
Daphne: I can't wait to see what kinds of dreams I have after all this talk about childbearing. Probably that one where my mother shows up and says...
[old lady voice]
Daphne: "Well, Daphne, you're fifty now and you've never given me grandchildren." Then I say, "That was my choice to make, Mum, I was thinking of my career." "Oh sure, your career, but did you ever think of me?" "Mother, I don't want to start this again, just drop it." "But will she drop it...?" "Oh shut up, mother!" "Don't talk to me like that, young lady...!"
[exits]
Frasier: I wonder how many more people she's got in there with her.

Daphne: So I guess you've had some excitement tonight.
Niles: [quickly] No, I haven't.
Daphne: Well, your father sure made it sound exciting on the phone... delivering a baby in a taxi.
Niles: Oh, that. I don't think of that as excitement as much as my sworn duty to use those skills I honed in medical school.
Frasier: Yes, Niles ran down to a falafel stand for a pot of hot water.
Martin: What I can't get over is that feeling of being there right when a person's life begins. One minute, it's just this blob in some lady's stomach. Next minute, it's a person. Blob...
[snaps his fingers]
Martin: ...person.
Frasier: The miracle of birth summed up in one poetic phrase.


"Frasier: The Apparent Trap (#7.9)" (1999)
Daphne: Beautiful job carving that turkey, Dr. Crane.
Niles: Well, I picked up a thing or two in medical school. In case you're wondering, this bird appears to have died of a massive head trauma.

Lilith: Daphne, is your fiance joining us?
Daphne: No, I'll be seeing him later. Donny has his own Thanksgiving tradition. He has a dinner for all the divorced men he's represented during the year. He's hosting twenty-five today.
Lilith: Wow. Twenty-five lonely, bitter men.
Daphne: Yeah, it's been a good year.

[Lillith is visiting the apartment; Eddie the dog is refusing to enter the building]
Daphne: It's like he can sense an earthquake or a dark force or... hello Lillith.


"Frasier: Look Before You Leap (#3.16)" (1996)
Daphne Moon: Oh, I love nature's little aberrations: warm days in winter, four-leaf clovers, Australians...

[Frasier has just persuaded Niles to decline Maris' invitation]
Niles: Oh, you're right. I'll tell her no. It's not going to be easy, though.
Frasier: Of course not. Just don't think about sex.
[from the kitchen, making breakfast]
Daphne Moon: Would you like me to butter your buns for you, Dr. Crane?
Frasier: [Niles's hands rattle, and Frasier grabs them] Grandma in a teddy.
Niles: Thank you.

[Daphne enters with a horrid hairdo, sobbing]
Daphne Moon: Tell me the truth: Is it as bad as I think it is?
Frasier: [carefully] How bad do you think it is?


"Frasier: Adventures in Paradise: Part 1 (#2.8)" (1994)
Daphne: Oh, I love to see a man with a cigar. It reminds me of my grandfather. Morning to night, he used to sit with a great big stogie dangling from his lips. Oh, the hours we kids used to spend sitting on his lap, playing with the yellow whiskers beneath his nose. Then he'd take out his teeth with the cigar still in them and chase us around the room! We'd all laugh and laugh... then suddenly Grampa's mood would change, and we'd all have to run for our lives... You can't buy memories like that.

Daphne: [writing a letter] Mr. Crane, is the proper term "serial killer" or "serial murderer?"
Martin Crane: Serial killer, why?
Daphne: Oh, just letting my old mum know what's going on in Seattle. She worries when she doesn't hear from me.

Daphne: Well, Dr. Crane, if you'd like a feminine point of view: just shut your bloody cakehole and go!


"Frasier: Travels with Martin (#1.21)" (1994)
[driving a Winnebago]
Daphne: How does it feel behind that wheel, Dr. Crane?
Frasier: Manly! This is mine, and it's big!

Niles: I should have known this would happen. I always throw out my back when I try to lift Maris' luggage.
Daphne: Why didn't you hire a skycap?
Niles: Oh, we did for most of it, but Maris won't trust strangers with her makeup case, ever since a ham-handed porter dropped it and broke three vials of rare Swiss lamb placenta. On the upside, the calfskin lining of her case was never more soft and supple.

[the Cranes have to smuggle Daphne across the border from Canada, pretending she's American]
Daphne: Bloody right! It beats havin' me bum bounced back across the pond. Let's give it a bash.
Frasier: Oh, yes. This is foolproof.


"Frasier: Dark Victory (#2.24)" (1995)
[having gone out of his way to cheer everyone up on his father's birthday, everyone is abandoning Frasier's planned celebration to join a party downstairs]
Frasier: No, no thank you. I'm not really in the mood any more.
Daphne: Oh, don't be a party pooper.
Martin: Ah, leave him. He's always been this way.
Frasier: Excuse me! Just-just a second! I think it's time we learnt what it is to walk in the shoes of this particular party pooper. I spend the damn week administering to the troubled and the neurotic and the just plain goofy, and then I hang up my earphones and it doesn't end there! Out on the street, in the cafe, even in this building. More people. More problems. I suppose they think it's okay, it's what I do. But every time I try to help them it costs me a little piece of myself. A little bit here, a little bit there, a little bit here, a little bit there... until I end up feeling like a zebra carcass on the Serengeti surrounded by burping vultures! Well, this happened to be one of those weeks. I had my escape planned. I was going to come home for an evening of fun with my extended family. What do I get? I get the four of you going at each other like the Borgias on a bad day! So I roll up my sleeves, and I tend to each one of you. And you all feel better. And the minute you get a whiff of mesquite coming from down below, you are out the door! Without so much as a 'thank you'! Well, thank you for the invitation, but I am, frankly, fed up with people and their problems. The doctor is out.

[playing a game called "I'm the Dullest Person"]
Frasier: If I was going to go I would say, "I am the dullest person because I have never been on a rollercoaster." All right? And then all of you that have been on a rollercoaster would give me a penny. Now we all have our pennies. Who would like to go first? Daphne?
Daphne: I can't think of anything.
Frasier: Of course you can. Just say the first thing that comes into your mind. I'm the dullest person because...
Daphne: Oh, I don't know. Because I've never made love in a lift or a phone booth or on an aeroplane or a merry-go-round.
Frasier: Okay, that's good, but strategically speaking that's not the best way to get our pennies. You see, it should be something that someone else might have actually...
[Roz throws in a penny]
Frasier: ...done.
[Roz throws in three more pennies while everyone else stares at her]
Roz: I was in college, I was trying to find myself!
Niles: All you needed to do was look under the nearest man.

[after arguing about doing Martin's exercises for the umpteenth time]
Martin: Just decided what I want for my birthday: fire Daphne!
Daphne: You'd have to re-hire me first, because I quit! I hope I never see this place or that hateful old canker sore ever again.


"Frasier: Frasier Crane's Day Off (#1.23)" (1994)
Daphne Moon: You really should stay home and let me tend to you. I'm a very good nurse. I mended all my brothers' soccer injuries.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, I didn't get injured playing soccer.
Daphne Moon: Neither did my hooligan brothers. Mostly they got hurt beating up drunken Dutchmen in the stands.

Daphne: I don't think you should be up and...
Frasier: The moment I give a FIG about what you think, is the day that England produces a great chef, a world class bottle of wine, and a car with a decent electrical system!

Daphne: I don't think you should be up and...
Frasier: The moment I give a fig about what you think, is the day that England produces a great chef, a world class bottle of wine, and a car with a decent electrical system!


"Frasier: You Can Go Home Again (#3.24)" (1996)
[Daphne is torn about where to go for her vacation]
Frasier: Daphne? I was thinking about our conversation earlier today, and I've decided to give you an extra week off. That way you can go to Manchester, *and* Acapulco.
Daphne: Oh, that is so sweet! You must really think I should go home.
Frasier: Well, I've just realized that being part of a family is really worth the effort. And, sometimes the effort... means you'll need a week in Acapulco.

Daphne: Oh, Dr. Crane, why is it so easy to love our families, yet so hard to like them?
Frasier: Well, Daphne, that is one of those questions that makes life so rich... and psychiatrists richer.

[Daphne is reluctant to use her week off to visit her relatives in Manchester]
Daphne: And going home is just so flipping boring. It's always the same. There's a wonderful reunion at the airport, and we share all our news on the way home in the car. And by the time I've dropped off my suitcase, we've exhausted all conversation, and that's when I realize I've got a whole week left with nothing to look forward to but Dad telling the story of how he once shared a cigar with Winston Churchill during the blackouts... he thinks.


"Frasier: Dinner at Eight (#1.3)" (1993)
Daphne: Well! Aren't you a bobby dazzler!
Frasier: Well, I'll go out on a limb and take that as a compliment.

Niles: [their first meeting] Hmm... You're Daphne?
Daphne: Why, yes I am!
Niles: Well, I...
[shakes her hand]
Niles: When Frasier told me he'd hired an Englishwoman, I pictured someone a little more... not quite so... you're Daphne?


"Frasier: Breaking the Ice (#2.20)" (1995)
Frasier: So you're suggesting that I go along, pretend I'm enjoying myself doing something that gives me absolutely no pleasure at all, just to hear the words "I love you"?
Daphne Moon: Why not? Women have been doing it for centuries.

Daphne Moon: Don't you ever clean that thing out?
Martin Crane: No, it's bad luck. Everybody knows that. You show up on a fishing trip with a tackle box that doesn't smell like the most rancid, rotten thing on the face of the earth, then nobody will sit by you.
Frasier: [entering the apartment with Niles] Yes, Niles, I used to have the same problem with my multiple personality patients. They always kept saying that the other one had sent the check.
Niles: [sniffing] What an odd combination of odors. It smells like a fish died and all the other fish sent flowers.


"Frasier: Radio Wars (#7.3)" (1999)
Frasier: Oh, Daphne, Daphne! Tell us, do you think we're snobby, superior and condescending?
Daphne Moon: That's it! I'm getting my door soundproofed.

Daphne Moon: You know, it's funny hearing you talk about "The Avengers." My first Halloween in America, I went to a party dressed as Mrs. Peel. Head-to-toe in that skintight black leather catsuit. Come to think of it, I still have it somewhere, and Halloween's coming up.
Martin: Catsuit, huh?
[nods towards Eddie]
Martin: Better not let this guy hear you talking about that, he'll go nuts.
Niles: [indignant] I would not!
[sees Eddie]
Niles: ...be surprised if he did!
[pets Eddie]
Niles: Ho-ho-ho...


"Frasier: You Can't Tell a Crook by His Cover (#1.15)" (1994)
Daphne Moon: Someone here is long overdue for a...
Martin: Hey! Don't you say that word.
Daphne Moon: What word?
Martin: B-A-T-H.
[Eddie runs away]
Frasier: When he yawns, it may smell like swamp gas, but his spelling's improving.

Daphne Moon: [Frasier and Martin are arguing about Daphne's date with Jimmy] Excuse me, gentlemen, but might I interject one tiny little thought into this conversation?
Frasier: Of course, Daphne.
Daphne Moon: Belt up! Both of you! It may have escaped your notice, but I happen to be to a grown woman, and nobody has told me whom I might or might not date since I was schoolgirl, and I didn't listen then! Now, when I've quite made up my mind what I plan to do about Jimmy, I'll let you know. But right now, I'm going to my room. You two hens have wasted enough of my time.
[Daphne storms off]
Frasier: That would have been a very dramatic exit if only her room was down that hall.


"Frasier: A Day in May (#8.23)" (2001)
[Daphne opens the door to Roz and Alice]
Roz Doyle: Hey, Daphne.
Daphne Moon: Hello, Roz, Alice. What brings you here?
Roz Doyle: We're borrowing Frasier's car.
Daphne Moon: Oh, I see. And you're leaving Alice here as collateral.

Dr. Niles Crane: I'd hardly call this a dog park. It's more like a dog... orgy. Whose beagles are those?
Daphne Moon: Don't stare, it only encourages them.


"Frasier: RDWRER (#7.12)" (2000)
Daphne Moon: This is for you, from the DMV.
Martin: Oh-ho, I know what this is, the custom plates I ordered for my Winnebago!
[holds them up]
Martin: Yay! Well, fifty bucks, but I think it says it all.
Frasier: "Erd... whirr-er"?
Daphne Moon: "Rid Worry-er"?
Frasier: "Red Wearer"!
Martin: Oh, for God's sake! "Road Warrior!"
Daphne Moon: Of course! For a retired man with a cane and a Winnebago, I don't know why my mind didn't go straight to it.

Daphne Moon: Bloody hell! Five days after Christmas is over and I'm still getting these cards! They do it on purpose, you know. It's always from someone you forgot, and then it's too late to send one back, then they sneer at you for the rest of the year! "Peace and Goodwill," my ass! You just lost yourself a customer, Dr. Naran S. Gupta, D.D.S.!
Martin: Losing a set of English teeth, he'll feel that!


"Frasier: Guns 'N Neuroses (#11.9)" (2003)
Lilith: Daphne, Niles, congratulations on the successful commingling of your genetic material.
Daphne: Thank you.
Lilith: Do you know the sex?
Niles: DO we? It's how we got pregnant!

Daphne: Instead of playing games, why don't you just try talking to her?
Dr. Frasier Crane: We tried talking when we were married. We found we were better at playing games.


"Frasier: Father of the Bride (#7.2)" (1999)
Daphne: I suppose she can be a bit overbearing. But as she often points out, she is paying for the wedding and I am her only daughter and giving birth to me was so painful she did bite through a kitchen spoon.

Frasier: Daphne, just don't let you mother guilt you into having the wedding she wants instead of the wedding you want.
Daphne: Oh, don't worry, Mum already promised me I could have the wedding I want, as soon as I have a daughter who gets engaged.


"Frasier: Bad Dog (#5.18)" (1998)
Daphne: Roz, is everything all right?
Roz: Yeah, I'm fine. It's just that my hair is huge and this dress is a joke.
Frasier: No, nonsense, Roz. You look divine.
Roz: No, I look like Divine.

[Daphne is contemplating what it would be like to have a free lifetime's supply of muffins]
Daphne: Now me, I could eat a muffin a day, some days even two knowing they'd be free. So that'd be... ten a week, fifty-two weeks a year, for at least another... forty years, which works out to... Twenty thousand muffins!
[pause]
Daphne: My life suddenly seems long, measured in muffins.


"Frasier: The Club (#2.18)" (1995)
Martin: Whew! I think I need more comfortable shoes. My dogs are killing me.
Daphne: Pardon?
Martin: My dogs. My feet. What do you call them in England?
Daphne: Well, we mostly call our body parts by their rightful names. Except my uncle Harold. He named parts of his anatomy after the royal family. He walked on the Queen's Pins, he sat on the Duchess of Kent. He was quite a jolly fellow. That is, until Aunt Kate caught him introducing the Prince of Wales to a cocktail waitress.

Frasier: I might as well say this while I can: "If you need me, I'll be at my club."
Daphne: Oh, yes. The club - the club that I helped you get into. Of course now that you're in, I'm just cast aside.
[forlorn voice]
Daphne: Unappreciated, unloved, and forgotten...
Frasier: Yes, well I see the prosciutto isn't the only imported ham in the house.


"Frasier: Good Samaritan (#6.11)" (1999)
[Frasier mistakenly picked up a woman who turned out to be a prostitute, and then a transvestite]
Daphne Moon: Look, Dr. Crane, I just wanted to say, you're the victim here.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Thank you.
Daphne Moon: Yeah, American society's so close-minded when it comes to sexual experimentation. In Europe...
Dr. Frasier Crane: Daphne, I didn't do anything wrong!
Daphne Moon: Well, exactly! That's what I'm trying to say!

[the phone rings, Daphne answers]
Daphne Moon: Hello? Yes, who's calling, please...? Wiwif? Anyone here know a Wiwif?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, Lilith!


"Frasier: Roz's Turn (#4.17)" (1997)
Daphne: I should think having a lady friend would make you exercise more, not less. I don't mean to be indelicate, but a man in your condition who wants to enjoy certain, shall we say, indoor sports, should take steps to make sure that cranky old Mr. Hip doesn't, shall we say, let down the team, if you get my meaning?
Martin: Don't you worry about me. I may not be the rookie of the year any more but I can still move around the bases!
[Roz comes in]
Roz: Oh, hey, Martin.
Niles: Oh, look, a scout from the majors.

Roz: Let's just go on to my next idea. Daphne? OK, you be the girlfriend of a couple who wants to spice things up in the bedroom. Niles, will you be her boyfriend?
Niles: [quickly] Yes.
Roz: OK.
[starts tape]
Roz: I'm here with Fred and Patty. Tell me, you two, what made you think that your sex life needs a little jump start?
Daphne: It's all his fault. He just seems to have lost interest in me. I've done everything I can to entice him. I've served dinner wearing nothing but high heels and an apron; I've called him at the office and talked dirty; and last night when he came home I was lying in bed wearing a whipped cream teddy! But did he care? No!
Roz: And none of this turns you on, Fred?
Roz: [Niles doesn't answer. He just stares into space, imagining it all. Roz gets impatient] Fred?
Niles: [snaps out of it] That's nothing, you should hear the other things that don't turn me on! Tell me about it, Patty.


"Frasier: When a Man Loves Two Women (#6.21)" (1999)
Frasier: Say, Dad, you remember that woman I went out with on Valentine's Day but I wasn't quite sure if it was a romantic thing?
Martin Crane: Yeah, that new publicity woman at the station.
Frasier: Yes, Cassandra Stone. Well, I asked her out again last night and I got my answer.
Martin Crane: Oh, I'm sorry, Fras'.
Frasier: No, I'm not finished!
Martin Crane: That's the spirit. You hang in there.
Daphne Moon: You know, Dr. Crane, someone once said that long periods of abstinence can actually refresh the soul.
Cassandra Stone: [Cassandra enters in a blue robe] Morning, everyone!
Frasier: Yes. Well, that someone was me and I was full of it!

Frasier: Oh, good morning.
Daphne Moon: Morning.
Martin Crane: I didn't hear you come in last night. You have a date?
Daphne Moon: [Frasier comes back from the kitchen holding up two mugs] Well, I guess that answers that.
Martin Crane: Well, ease up there, Cassandra's a great gal - women like her don't come along every day.
Faye Moskowitz: [Faye enters, wearing the same blue robe Cassandra wore the previous day] Morning!
Daphne Moon: No, they certainly don't!


"Frasier: The Dinner Party (#6.17)" (1999)
Frasier: [Roz enters in fancy evening dress. Daphne is to the side in a robe, she holds another dress] Oh, Roz! That's lovely!
Daphne: Oh! We have twenty minutes.
[both ladies start for Daphne's room]
Niles: What's going on?
Roz: There's a huge reception at the British Consulate tonight. Daphne got us tickets!
Daphne: [ladies continue toward Daphne's room] Who knows, Roz? You just may meet a charming British lord who'll make you a lady!
Niles: [to Frasier] At this point, I think it would take the actual Lord to make her a lady.

Niles: [notices Daphne's tacky, revealing dress] Daphne, you're not actually going out in that, are you?
Daphne: [throws the dress away and falls back onto the bed] That's it, I'm staying home.
Roz: No, just try it; we can accessorize it.
Niles: With what? A lamp post and a public defender?


"Frasier: The Crucible (#1.6)" (1993)
Daphne Moon: Well, my theory on death is, first you're whisked down a long, dark tunnel towards a beautiful white light; you suddenly get all the jokes you never got before, you let out a little chuckle, and then you die.

[after Niles tells Frasier that Maris is asleep on his bed, under the coats]
Daphne Moon: Dr. Crane, were you sniffing my hair?
Niles: Why would I do a thing like that? I'm a happily married man. I love my Maris.
Guest: Where should I put this coat?
Niles: Just throw it on the bed.


"Frasier: Oops (#1.10)" (1993)
Niles: [handing her one of Maris' dead plants] Daphne, I have a fervent hope that you can coax this
[plant]
Niles: back to life. It's one of Maris' favorites.
Daphne: My goodness! What did she do to it?
Niles: Nothing, just... loved it.

Niles: [after receiving a phone call from Maris] Sorry, I have to go. Maris is despondent. They kicked her out of the cast of "Cats".
Daphne: Why?
Niles: She couldn't remember the words to "Memory".


"Frasier: High Crane Drifter (#3.17)" (1996)
[Frasier's upstairs neighbor is playing his own loud rock music]
Frasier: How does an arrested adolescent who barely knows two chords get a penthouse?
Daphne: His last album sold five million copies.
Frasier: I'll just add that to my list of reasons to die.

Daphne: [to Frasier] I want you to know that your assertiveness inspired me. For weeks now, some louse has been removing my wet clothes from the washer and leaving them on the table in a soggy mess. This morning, I decided to get my revenge. So I took off my new red panties and I popped them in with his whites.
Dr. Niles Crane: Bravo, Daphne. Good for you. God, I wish I'd been there.
Frasier: Daphne, don't you think you were overreacting just a bit?
Daphne: Absolutely not. Those were my panties and I wasn't afraid to use them!
[Niles bites down on his fist]


"Frasier: Space Quest (#1.2)" (1993)
Daphne Moon: Remind me again. Which one of Kyle's eyes is really looking at me?
Dr. Frasier Crane: The brown one.

Daphne Moon: [looking at Frasier's dressing gown] Ooh! Six more weeks of winter, I see!


"Frasier: The Show Where Diane Comes Back (#3.14)" (1996)
Daphne Moon: I wish someone would just tell me who this woman is, and why we're trying to impress the pants off her.
Frasier: She's a one-time Boston barmaid who had a nervous breakdown and ended up in a sanitorium, where I met her, fell for her, and then was so mercilessly rejected by her that to this day there remains a sucking chest wound where once there dwelled a heart!

Daphne Moon: [about Diane's facial twitch] That's either a very large twitch or a very small seizure.


"Frasier: Back Talk (#7.10)" (1999)
Daphne Moon: [Frasier is doped up on painkillers for his back and Daphne is giving him a massage] You took quite a few of those pills, didn't you? You know what's curious, though?
Frasier: Cats!
Daphne Moon: Yes. But I'm talking about our little mix-up. When I said to your father, "Dr. Crane's in love with me," he said it's been going on for six years now. What did he mean by that?
Frasier: Oh that... he meant Niles!
Daphne Moon: [completely stunned] What?
Frasier: Niles... he's crazy about you!
Daphne Moon: [still stunned] Dr. Crane?
[to Frasier]
Daphne Moon: Dr. Crane!
[Frasier has fallen asleep]

[Daphne is giving Frasier a massage to sooth his back pain while discussing her moving out of Frasier's apartment]
Frasier: You know what?
Daphne: What's that Doctor Crane?
Frasier: Dad's chair!
Daphne: I'm not taking it with me if that's where you're headed!
Frasier: It's so... comfortable!
Daphne: You took quite a few of those pills didn't you? You know what's curious though?
Frasier: Cats?
Daphne: Yes
[laughs]
Daphne: but I'm talking about our little mix up. When I said to your father "Doctor Crane's in love with me" he said it's been going on for six years now. What did he mean by that?
Frasier: Oh that. He meant Niles!
Daphne: What?
Frasier: Niles. He's crazy about you.
[Frasier passes out]
Daphne: Doctor Crane? Doctor Crane?
[Later, after Frasier has recovered]
Frasier: Oh Daphne, by the way - thank you for the massage, I think it did just the trick!
Daphne: Any time, Doctor Crane!
Frasier: Listen, um... just before I drifted off I'm afraid I might have said something I wish I hadn't.
Daphne: Yes?
Frasier: It's about Dad's chair...


"Frasier: The Adventures of Bad Boy and Dirty Girl (#3.7)" (1995)
Dr. Frasier Crane: Daphne, how about a woman's perspective? Let's just say, for argument's sake, that you and I succumbed to a night of passion...
Daphne Moon: What, you and me?
[laughs]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes!
Daphne Moon: What - bosoms heaving, shirt buttons catapulting through the air?
Dr. Frasier Crane: [annoyed] It's a hypothetical question!
Daphne Moon: I'll say it is!
[laughs again]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, all right, somebody else! So, you have a mad tryst with this young man and then the next day he says that he thinks things are going too fast; he'd like to slow down. What would you say?
Daphne Moon: I suppose I'd say: "Thanks for being honest. Probably right, we were moving fast."
[suddenly bitter]
Daphne Moon: "Not that it was too fast for you last night... Ooooh, no, we were right on schedule then, weren't we?"
[Martin, disturbed, turns around in his armchair and stares at her]
Daphne Moon: But, now you've had your fun, though not too much apparently, and you want to be my friend-"
[angry]
Daphne Moon: "Well, you can just SOD OFF, Trevor Mulgrew!"
[She calms down and notices that Frasier and Martin are staring at her]
Daphne Moon: You know, I think I might have some buttons for this shirt.
[walks out]

Daphne Moon: [at Frasier's apartment, in front of Kate Costas] Eddie! What's that on your chin? Have you been into the garbage again? You bad boy!


"Frasier: Big Crane on Campus (#7.14)" (2000)
[cooking with Daphne]
Niles: Whisk.
[she hands it to him, he whisks]
Niles: Spoon.
[she hands it to him, he stirs]
Niles: Cheese cloth.
[she wipes his brow; the oven pings]
Niles: Perfect timing. Daphne, open the oven.
[he places it in the oven]
Niles: Ready.
Daphne: Shall I close, Dr. Crane?
Niles: Please.
Daphne: Do you think it'll be all right?
Niles: It's out of our hands now, Daphne.

Daphne: I haven't had this much fun in the kitchen since your brother caught his tie in the pasta machine.


"Frasier: Out with Dad (#7.15)" (2000)
Daphne: Remember my friend, Rowena? She's much prettier since her surgery. You look at her face and you can't even tell where it used to be.

Daphne: How was the opera?
Frasier: Lovely. Get out!
[turns off the TV]
Roz Doyle: Hey, that movie's not over!
Frasier: That's too bad, Roz. There's a stunning woman on her way over here, I don't want her thinking I'm running some kind of maudlin sorority house. Now come on, shake a leg!
Roz Doyle: You actually spoke to her? You didn't wimp out?
Frasier: You have never seen me so suave.
Roz Doyle: Oh, some Valentine's Day! First my date bails on me and now I owe Daphne fifty bucks!


"Frasier: Odd Man Out (#4.23)" (1997)
Daphne: [Frasier walks in just after Niles zipped his tie into Daphne's dress] I was just about to step right out of this dress and embarrass poor Dr Crane to death.
Niles: Well, we all have to die of something.

[while zipping up the back of Daphne's dress, Niles gets his tie caught in the zipper; Frasier walks in on them as he has his head bowed behind her]
Frasier: Niles, there's something on your tie.
Daphne: Dr. Crane was helping me with my dress, and now he's caught.
Frasier: Yes, he is.


"Frasier: Here's Looking at You (#1.5)" (1993)
Daphne: And you know as well as I do that history is full of sexy limpers. For instance, Franklin Delano Roosevelt. Of course he didn't limp so much as roll. Oh, I know, Toulouse Lautrec. Although he was rather a little person. Still, he did rather well with the ladies. Of course, they were all prostitutes. But then again, he was French and there's no explaining their taste.
Martin: What's your point?
Daphne: I guess I don't have one.

Martin: See if I've got this tie on right?
Daphne: Just needs a minor adjustment. What's all this hair on it?
Martin: The only way I can get the knot right is if I tie it on Eddie first.


"Frasier: Taking Liberties (#8.5)" (2000)
Daphne Moon: [Niles has stood up to Mel and publicly professed his love for Daphne] I love you, too.

Ferguson: Manchester, right?
Daphne Moon: Is it that obvious?
Ferguson: To me it is. My mum's from Manchester. Used to scream her lungs out for United.
Daphne Moon: Is that so? My Uncle Jack once tried to get Bobby Charlton's autograph, until Bobby cracked him over the head with a can of lager. Twelve stitches, and he still has the can!


"Frasier: I Hate Frasier Crane (#1.4)" (1993)
[Daphne has a psychic flash when she picks up photos from Martin's unsolved murder]
Daphne: I see a man.
Martin: Yeah?
Daphne: A well-dressed man. He's wearing wing tips and a trench coat.
Martin: Yeah? Yeah?
Daphne: He's getting off an elevator... he's walking down a long hallway... she doesn't know he's coming... he's opening the door...
[Frasier enters wearing wing tips and a trench coat]
Frasier: Hello, everyone.
Daphne: Sometimes I get my signals crossed.
Frasier: What's going on?
Martin: Well, unless you killed a hooker when you were twelve, nothing much.

Daphne: [having a psychic flash about woman in Martin's case] She had a lot of men in her life, didn't she?
Martin: No kidding. She was a hooker.


"Frasier: Selling Out (#1.9)" (1993)
Frasier: What would you think if I did a commercial and publicly endorsed a product?
Daphne: Oh, you mean like Cher does?
Frasier: Thank you, Daphne, one against. Dad?

[as a girl, Daphne starred in a British TV show, "Mind Your Knickers."]
Daphne: It was about a group of high-spirited, ethnically diverse twelve-year-olds in a girls' private boarding school. I played Emma, the short, spunky one. Of course, by the end of the series, I was sixteen, five foot ten, and they had me boozies bound up tighter than a mummy. Well, I'm off.
[leaves]
Frasier: The woman is like an artichoke. You just peel away one astounding leaf after another.


"Frasier: The Ski Lodge (#5.14)" (1998)
Niles: I've got to get a new divorce lawyer. Claude is clearly no match for Maris's team.
Daphne: Real sharks, are they?
Niles: When we were courting I sent Maris a Valentine that said, "You're the girl my heart adores, everything I have is yours." Now they're calling it a pre-nup.

Daphne: [Annie is lying on Niles' bed] Annie!
Annie: Daphne!
Daphne: Didn't I tell you to leave Dr. Crane alone?
Annie: And now I see why! You wanted him all to yourself!
Daphne: I do not want him all to myself!
Annie: Oh, I see! It's a threesome you're after. Well, I don't do those anymore!


"Frasier: Ham Radio (#4.18)" (1997)
Daphne: [rehearsing for a radio play] Sound of door opening.
Roz: [with a mouthful of food] Infpactar, fhank goddies oo cam.
Frasier: Stop the watch. Roz, I have a line here that says, "When she opened her lips I caught a hint of some mixed exotic accent." You will notice it does not say, "When she opened her lips cheese fell out".

Daphne: [listening to Frasier's radio play spiral out of control] My god, it's turning into a bloodbath!


"Frasier: Morning Becomes Entertainment (#7.19)" (2000)
Dr. Frasier Crane: Hey, did you happen to catch the show today? I was on fire. First caller was an agoraphobic.
[punches the air]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Boom! Knocked it right out of the park. Then, two troubled marriages and a compulsive over-eater. Boom-boom, Boom! I was a regular mental health dispensing machine.
Daphne Moon: I did two loads of laundry and cut a piece of gum out of Eddie's hair.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Now, Daphne, don't get down on yourself. The work you do at home is very important. In fact, I don't know what Dad and I are going to do once you're married.
Daphne Moon: Thank you, Dr. Crane, that makes me feel better.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Boom! Boy, there is no off-switch on this thing!
Daphne Moon: Sadly, that's true.
[laughs]

Daphne Moon: Don't worry, Dr. Crane, I'm sure you're right about these things. After all, you usually are.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, thank you, Daphne, that's exactly what I needed to hear.
Daphne Moon: Boom!


"Frasier: Beware of Greeks (#5.16)" (1998)
Daphne Moon: How much longer do we have stay?
Martin Crane: What are you in such a snit about?
Daphne Moon: This lot. Thanks to your sister-in-law, they're all sniggering about me being your "physical therapist."
Martin Crane: Oh, don't let it bother you. She's always been a pain.
Daphne Moon: You're telling me. Dried-up old grape leaf!
Martin Crane: Yeah, and she's one to talk about reputations, too. Between you and me, before she married my brother, she was easier to make than a peanut butter sandwich.

Aunt Zora Crane: Who is this pretty young thing?
Martin Crane: Oh, this is Daphne Moon. She's my physical therapist.
Aunt Zora Crane: Oh... that's what they call it these days?
[slaps him playfully]
Aunt Zora Crane: You dirty old man!
[she moves off into the crowd, laughing, while Martin tries to calm Daphne]
Daphne Moon: I've never been so insulted...!


"Frasier: The Innkeepers (#2.23)" (1995)
Roz Doyle: Okay, table four wants to make some changes: they want the Sole Veronica without the grapes,
[Daphne begins flicking off the grapes]
Roz Doyle: spinach instead of broccoli and risotto instead of pasta. They also want the swordfish but hold the capers.
Daphne Moon: Oh, for heaven's sakes, can't you just tell them no substitutions?
Roz Doyle: I have trouble saying no.
Niles: So the guidebooks tell us.
Roz Doyle: You want to get thrown in the tank with the rest of the eels?
Daphne Moon: Well, you're not making this very easy. You waltz in here, queen of the waitresses, la-di-da, extra broccoli, hold the capers, and then you go back out on the fun side of the door.
Roz Doyle: You want to trade places with me, Mary Poppins? Be my guest!

Frasier: Daphne, Dad. Everything alright here?
Daphne Moon: Oh, yes Dr. Crane. Whatever this anguille is, it's perfectly smashing.
Frasier: It's our chef's specialty. The man can do things with eels you just wouldn't believe.
Martin Crane: I arrested a guy for that once.


"Frasier: The Seal Who Came to Dinner (#6.8)" (1998)
Daphne Moon: You dirty old man! Flirting with a girl her age!
Martin Crane: Well, she was flirting right back. I saw her giving me the once-over.
Daphne Moon: Yeah, she looked once and it was over. You've never acted this silly with any of my other girl friends. What's so special about Pam?
Martin Crane: Oh, nothing. She's just young and friendly, and... she reminds me of the girls I used to date back during the war.
Daphne Moon: What, you mean Korea? Mr. Crane, it's not dating when you're an occupying force.

Martin Crane: Hey, the gals in Pyong Chang used to think I was pretty damn cute.
Daphne Moon: Yeah well, this is a bit different. You're not twenty-one and her village hasn't just burned down.


"Frasier: Moons Over Seattle (#9.24)" (2002)
Daphne Moon: I can't believe this is really happening. I mean, maybe I'm naive, but I always thought love would save the day.
Harry Moon: Well, you know, we all think that when we're young. But then life beats us around a bit and you learn to dream a little smaller.
Daphne Moon: So that's how it goes: two people meet, they're together for forty years, and then all of a sudden it just ends.
Harry Moon: But it's different from you! I mean, you've found the right person.
Daphne Moon: You barely know him.
Harry Moon: Well, all I know is, I threw him out of my pub six times and six times he marched back in and yammered me ear off until, until I went back with him to America - all to make *you* happy! I never did anything like that for your mother. No no, I tell you, Daphne, you've got the right one there. A good one, you know? And another thing.
[rubs his fingers together]
Harry Moon: He's worth a bob or two.

[Last lines. Niles answers his door to find Daphne, his fiancee]
Daphne Moon: I want to marry you!
Dr. Niles Crane: [smiles, surprised] I want to marry *you!*
Daphne Moon: No, I want to marry you *now!*
Dr. Niles Crane: As in... *now?*
Daphne Moon: Yes.
Dr. Niles Crane: Why?
Daphne Moon: Why? Because you'd do anything, even put up with my insane family, to make me happy. Because you'd travel halfway around the world to make my dreams come true, even the impossible ones. And because I can't spend one more minute without being your wife, Niles Crane. Because I adore you.
Dr. Niles Crane: But... I thought you always wanted a big wedding.
Daphne Moon: Do you want to make my dreams come true? *This* is my dream.
[Niles gets his coat. They leave together]


"Frasier: Merry Christmas, Mrs. Moskowitz (#6.10)" (1998)
Daphne: Dr Crane, can I ask a favor? What are you doing for the next ten nights? Because my...
Niles: Yes.


"Frasier: The Gift Horse (#5.2)" (1997)
Dr. Niles Crane: Hello, Daphne, Sherry.
[to waitress]
Dr. Niles Crane: Double latte, please.
[sits]
Dr. Niles Crane: Is Frasier with you?
Sherry Dempsey: No, he's out shopping for your dad.
Dr. Niles Crane: That jackal!
[Niles races out of the café. A minute later, Frasier comes in]
Daphne Moon: Dr. Crane, did you find something?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes, I did. It took me most of the afternoon but I finally came up with something I think is just about perfect!
Sherry Dempsey: Oh, Niles forgot his coffee.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Niles was here?
Sherry Dempsey: Yes, but you know, when I mentioned that you were out shopping for your dad he just shot out of here like a bullet...
Dr. Frasier Crane: That little worm!
[Frasier grabs his shopping bag and exits]


"Frasier: The Wizard and Roz (#8.20)" (2001)
Dr. Niles Crane: Uh, if you two don't mind, Daphne's psychic evaluator is on the way over and we'd like to use the living room.
Martin Crane: Oh, fine by me. That stuff creeps me out anyway.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Niles I still can't believe you ever agreed to this. Those tests are based on nothing more than subjective evidence and lucky guesses.
Daphne Moon: Yes, nothing at all like the subjective evidence and lucky guesses psychiatry is based on.
Martin Crane: [smugly] Thank you.


"Frasier: Perspectives on Christmas (#5.9)" (1997)
Martin Crane: Oh hi, Daphne!
Daphne Moon: [brave smile] Hello! I'm just so excited about the gift I just got for you, Mr. Crane.
Martin Crane: Oh, Great!
Daphne Moon: Why don't you open it now?
Martin Crane: Oh, I'd love to, but to tell you the truth, I don't really have much time, I'm kind of on my way out.
[Daphne starts to cry]
Martin Crane: Oh, OK, all right! I'll open it now, sure, sure. I don't want to get you upset! You must be really excited about this!
Martin Crane: [pulls gaudy sweater out of gift bag] Oh, wow! It's that sweater! The one I pointed out to you in that window! It's great! Boy, I can die a happy man now!
[Daphne bursts into tears]
Martin Crane: Daphne, what's the matter, are you all right?
Daphne Moon: Oh, Mr. Crane, I know why you've been going down to that church!
Martin Crane: You do? Well, you're not supposed to know about that! But why is it making you so upset?
Daphne Moon: Because I care about you! You were actually going to let this whole thing happen without ever telling a soul!
Martin Crane: Well, yes! I don't want people staring at me in church, stiff as a board, all that makeup on my face.
Daphne Moon: [He goes to get his coat. Daphne sinks onto the couch, crying] So... how much time have you got?
Martin Crane: Uh, about twenty minutes.
Daphne Moon: Twenty minutes?
Martin Crane: Yeah, and boy, will I be glad when it's all over. This is the last Christmas pageant I'm ever signing up for!
Daphne Moon: You're in a Christmas pageant?
Martin Crane: Well, yeah! What did you think I was talking about?
Daphne Moon: I thought you were dying!
Martin Crane: What?
Daphne Moon: Well, you'd just got your test results back, you're down at the church all the time.
[Martin starts to laugh]
Daphne Moon: Why are you laughing?
Martin Crane: Well, it's funny!
Daphne Moon: I don't think it's so bloody funny!
Martin Crane: Are you kidding?
[acts as if hanged]
Martin Crane: Oh, I'm dying!
Daphne Moon: You will be!
[hurls a pillow at him]


"Frasier: Something About Dr. Mary (#7.16)" (2000)
[Niles helps out after Daphne sprains her wrist]
Niles: Oh, I'll get your beer, I'm just frosting the mug in the freezer the way Daphne does.
Daphne: I never frost your beer mug.
Martin: Oh, be quiet, will you? He's feeling very guilty and we have to help him work through it.
Daphne: That is just baloney, and you know it. Shame on you, taking advantage of your son, I don't know how you sleep at night.
Martin: Well, pretty good since he started putting a mint on my pillow and a cup of cocoa by the bed.
Daphne: He never leaves me cocoa.
Martin: You have to fill out that little card.


"Frasier: Frasier Loves Roz (#3.22)" (1996)
Roz Doyle: Oh, hey Daphne.
Daphne Moon: Hello, Roz. How are you?
Roz Doyle: Okay. Can I ask you something? Does Frasier seem weird to you?
Daphne Moon: Oh, God yes.
Roz Doyle: I haven't even finished my question yet.
Daphne Moon: Yes, well, when you know the answer, it's hard not to hit the buzzer.


"Frasier: Daphne Returns (#8.19)" (2001)
Niles: You think I'm pretentious?
Daphne: You'd eat a worm if I gave it a French name.


"Frasier: Fool Me Once, Shame on You, Fool Me Twice... (#2.14)" (1995)
Daphne Moon: This whole thing reminds me of when I first moved to London. And I was very mistrusting of people back then. I was convinced, the way to stay out of harms way was to walk the streets with me eyes cast down, never meeting anyone's glance. But, finally, I decided, that was no way to live. So, one day I just lifted up me chin and took it all in. Well, the change was amazing. There were sights I've never seen, sounds I've never heard. A tiny old man came up to me with a note in his hand. He needed help. I took his note, read it, and to this day I can remember just what I said to that man. "That's not how you spell fellatio."


"Frasier: Everyone's a Critic (#7.4)" (1999)
Martin Crane: Remember last week when Eddie killed his first rat? And how proud I was? I told you that story, right?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes, Dad, you told us. If you had a guitar you would have written a ballad.
Martin Crane: Well, we were just down in the basement and I saw another rat. I said, "go get him, boy!" So just as he picked him up, had him in his teeth, shaking the life out of him, and I hear this little bell, ting-a-ling. And I thought, "that's funny - rats don't wear bells!"
Daphne Moon: Oh, little Robbie Greenberg's missing hamster.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes, I read that flyer. He was offering a ten dollar reward.
Martin Crane: Well, the most we can claim at this point is about six-fifty.


"Frasier: Agents in America: Part 3 (#2.22)" (1995)
Daphne Moon: Here we are! One cup of tea - half Darjeeling, half Chamomile, skim milk, a packet of sweetener - oh, and I thought you might enjoy a nice fat-free tea biscuit. Will there be anything else?
Bebe: No. You run along, I'm fine.
Daphne Moon: You're sure now? Because I could wait 'til you finish the biscuit and floss your teeth for you.
Bebe: You are a cheeky little monkey, aren't you?
[bites the biscuit]
Bebe: This cookie tastes like meat!
Daphne Moon: Yes, and it'll remove tartar and give you a nice, shiny coat!


"Frasier: How to Bury a Millionaire (#6.7)" (1998)
Daphne Moon: You know, it's funny how much Eddie misses that bird of Dr. Crane's. This morning, a pigeon landed on the terrace. Eddie jumped up excited, ran over and started barking at it!
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh yes, he does that all the time.
Daphne Moon: No, no, this was a different sort of bark, like...
[excited]
Daphne Moon: "You're not my bird! Don't fly over here and get my hopes up like that! You're not my bird!" It was silly and sad at the same time, you know?
Dr. Frasier Crane: [deadpan] Firsthand.


"Frasier: The Bad Son (#8.3)" (2000)
Dr. Niles Crane: Oh, look. Broken pieces of pottery.
Daphne Moon: That's peanut brittle. I made it myself.


"Frasier: It's Hard to Say Goodbye If You Won't Leave (#3.10)" (1996)
Dr. Niles Crane: Dad, you sounded lonely, so I rented some movies.
Martin Crane: Oh, didn't you know? The VCR's broken.
Dr. Niles Crane: No subtitles this time.
Martin Crane: Oh, that's right, I got it fixed. What did you bring?
Dr. Niles Crane: Uh, I have "The Way We Were" and a classic - "Casablanca"
Daphne Moon: Oh, I just love that movie. Is there any more heartbreaking moment in all of film than when Humphrey Bogart tells Ingrid Bergman to get on that plane with Victor Laszlo even though Bogey loves her? What an ending.
Dr. Niles Crane: Well, there goes my need to finally see that one.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Hmm. He cares deeply for her and yet he lets her go. I wonder why Bogey did that?
Dr. Niles Crane: Why don't we put the movie in and find out?
Daphne Moon: Because Laszlo needed her by his side to fight the Nazis.
Martin Crane: Oh, forget the Nazis. No man in his right mind would give up Ingrid Bergman.
Daphne Moon: Oh, sure - sacrifice the entire free world for a little Swedish meatball.


"Frasier: Can't Buy Me Love (#1.14)" (1994)
Niles: She's been afraid to fly since her harrowing incident.
Daphne: Oh dear... Did a plane almost crash?
Niles: No, she was bumped from first class. She still wakes up screaming.


"Frasier: A Word to the Wiseguy (#3.15)" (1996)
Daphne Moon: What a horrible thing to happen. Can you imagine poor Mrs. Crane confined to a jail cell?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Only if they moved the bars closer together.


"Frasier: Leapin' Lizards (#3.4)" (1995)
Daphne Moon: Come on, Eddie, you love paté. And this is the good stuff.
[Frasier enters]
Daphne Moon: Uh-oh.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Two syllables every homeowner loves to hear upon entering the door. Would that have anything to do with the fact that you're feeding my imported foie gras to a dog?
Daphne Moon: Well, I'm sorry, but it calms him during the thunder.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, well, heaven forbid that Eddie should ever work a nerve! When Niles gets here we'll have sherry and snausages!
Daphne Moon: That reminds me, Dr. Crane will be a bit late. Your father asked him to stop at the vet and pick up some pills for Eddie.
Dr. Frasier Crane: I'm the one who's had a hard day. How come no one ever brings *me* tranquilizers?
Daphne Moon: I've often wondered that meself.


"Frasier: Chess Pains (#3.18)" (1996)
[after Niles introduces his dog, clearly a canine substitute for Maris]
Daphne Moon: Am I the only one?
Dr. Frasier Crane, Martin Crane: No.
Daphne Moon: Does Dr. Crane have any idea...?
Dr. Frasier Crane, Martin Crane: No.


"Frasier: Legal Tender Love and Care (#8.6)" (2000)
Frasier: That suit is very becoming on you. Is it new?
Abby Michaels: If it isn't, thank you for noticing, Frasier.
Frasier: Oh, no, thank you for being so, uh... noticeable.
Dr. Niles Crane: [to Daphne] Do I sound like that?
Daphne Moon: Yeah, but it's cute when you do it.


"Frasier: Kisses Sweeter Than Wine (#3.5)" (1995)
Daphne: [trying to solve the problem of a scratch on the floor] We could put a rug over it.
Frasier: A rug... where a rug doesn't belong. Why don't we just throw down a Twister mat and have a few rounds between vintages?


"Frasier: Coots and Ladders (#11.17)" (2004)
[while looking at some old family photos]
Daphne Crane: Why are you all hunched over in this one?
Dr. Niles Crane: Uh...
Daphne Crane: You were looking at my bum, weren't you?
Dr. Niles Crane: Oh, heavens, no!
Daphne Crane: Oh, it's all right, Niles, we're married now.
Dr. Niles Crane: All right, yes. I might, once, in a moment of weakness have permitted myself a fleeting glance.
[She hands him another photo]
Dr. Niles Crane: Or twice.
[Another photo]
Dr. Niles Crane: Many, many times.
Daphne Crane: It's all about the rear with you, isn't it?
Dr. Niles Crane: Oh, no, darling...
Daphne Crane: No, seriously.
[turns around]
Daphne Crane: What color are my eyes?
Dr. Niles Crane: Um...
Daphne Crane: You're looking at it again, aren't you?


"Frasier: Our Father Whose Art Ain't Heaven (#4.8)" (1996)
Daphne Moon: I've decided to make Grammy Moon's famous sheep's head stew.
[looks of horror]
Daphne Moon: Oh, don't worry; the name's a bit misleading... It's actually more of a soup.


"Frasier: Ain't Nobody's Business If I Do (#5.11)" (1998)
Daphne: I've got some shocking news. I found a ring in your father's underwear drawer.
Frasier: [shocked] What on earth would leave a ring around his underwear drawer?


"Frasier: The Botched Language of Cranes (#2.6)" (1994)
Daphne Moon: [answering the phone] Crane residence. Oh, no, I'm afraid he can't come to the phone. May I take a message? Oh, nice language, that! I hope you don't eat with that mouth.
Dr. Niles Crane: Daphne... Daphne, excuse me.
[Niles takes the phone]
Dr. Niles Crane: Now see here, how dare you speak to a lady that way! Yes, well, that's no excuse, ma'am. Oh! Only a coward makes threats over the phone. I dare you to come here and say that to my face!
[sardonic chuckle]
Dr. Niles Crane: Never you mind where I live.
[Niles hangs up]


"Frasier: Tales from the Crypt (#10.5)" (2002)
Dr. Niles Crane: Only last night, Mrs. Moon challenged a trick-or-treater, and he responded by pelting our door with eggs.
Gertrude Moon: Yeah, but I got the little monster back, by putting a big, greasy glob of Vaseline on his doorknob!
Dr. Niles Crane: You said you'd put an end to it!
Gertrude Moon: Hence the Vaseline.
Daphne Crane: Mum, he's a child!
Gertrude Moon: Well, it's time he learned you don't mess with Gertrude Moon without incurring my wrath. Now, excuse me, I require cocoa.


"Frasier: The Show Where Sam Shows Up (#2.16)" (1995)
Daphne Moon: I don't understand this American obsession with sports figures. They're all so superficial.
Martin: Yeah, it's not like they do anything real important, like sit on a throne or christen ships.


"Frasier: Frasier Grinch (#3.9)" (1995)
Daphne Moon: I'm bringing Grammy Moon's famous plum duff. It's a still flour pudding boiled in a cloth bag.
Martin Crane: Who gets to lick the bag?
Daphne Moon: No. You see, Grammy Moon had a secret ingredient. She'd soak it for hours in rum, then ignite it in a blinding flash. As soon as she came out of the kitchen with no eyebrows, we knew dessert was ready.
[She moves towards the door, stepping over the Santa mat]
Daphne Moon: You know, to this day the smell of burning hair puts me in the holiday spirit. Bye, Merry Christmas.


"Frasier: Come Lie with Me (#3.12)" (1996)
Daphne: That works out fine for me! I'll just spend all day waiting on you and your father, and then in the evenings retire to me room, wrap meself in me afgan and wait for morning. And if my whimpering gets too loud for you, you can just have me fixed like Eddie.


"Frasier: A Tsar Is Born (#7.7)" (1999)
Daphne: Wow. I don't see the three of you watching the same show very often. What's going on? Pavarotti jumping the Grand Canyon?


"Frasier: They're Playing Our Song (#7.13)" (2000)
[on Frasier's theme song]
Daphne Moon: It's like Gilbert and Sullivan, only frightening.


"Frasier: IQ (#6.19)" (1999)
[on Frasier and Niles]
Martin: Oh, they've always tried to one-up each other.
Daphne: I suppose all brothers are like that. Mine certainly were. Everything was a contest! Who could the run the fastest, jump the highest. They even had this strange one where they'd take little brother Michael, put him in a potato sack and see who could roll him the farthest over the frozen lake out back. They loved that game! Until that year the spring thaw set in early and poor Michael went right through the ice. Ooh, they caught hell for that one, they did. Caught it worse a week later when Michael's toe finally fell off. Michael cried and cried until they told him to put it under his pillow for the toe fairy! And then when he got five quid for it, why it was all they could do to stop him from sawing off the rest of them!
[laughs]


"Frasier: Secret Admirer (#6.6)" (1998)
Martin: Hey guys.
Niles: Hey there.
Daphne Moon: So, who won the squash game?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh Daphne, it's not about winning or losing, its about the thrill of competition.
Martin: Congratulations Niles.


"Frasier: Sliding Frasiers (#8.13)" (2001)
Daphne Moon: [holding three shopping bags] Could you give me a hand here?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, I would, except I've sprained my shoulder.
Martin Crane: [pointing at his hip] Bullet in the hip.
Daphne Moon: You still have one good arm, Dr. Crane.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Now, the doctor told me to take it easy.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh! I met a girl today!
Daphne Moon: Yeah. So did she.


"Frasier: Three Valentines (#6.14)" (1999)
[Daphne suddenly starts crying]
Martin Crane: What's the matter with you?
Daphne Moon: [sobbing] Well, look around you. Nothing but couples in love. It's never gonna be me. I'm just going to end up a dried-up old maid in a quilted bathrobe with a smelly, deaf cat on my lap!
Martin Crane: But I thought you said you were okay with that.


"Frasier: Dad Loves Sherry, the Boys Just Whine (#4.9)" (1997)
Daphne Moon: [to Sherry] You know, I keep meaning to ask, what's that lovely perfume you're wearing?
Frasier: Yes, I've been wondering that myself.
Sherry: It's called Milady's Boudoir. You wouldn't believe what a bargain it is. For a hundred bucks, I can buy enough to drown myself in.
Niles: [to Frasier] I've got 60.
Frasier: Yeah.


"Frasier: The Dog That Rocks the Cradle (#7.5)" (1999)
Daphne: I went to all sorts of funerals as a child. My uncle's a mortician. Lovely man. He's offered to do my make-up for the wedding.
Frasier: I can just hear the whispers now. "Did you see the bride? Very life-like."


"Frasier: Whine Club (#7.17)" (2000)
Dr. Frasier Crane: [Frasier and Martin talk about his relation with Clare] So, you're going to see her again?
Martin: Oh, I don't know, I don't think it's gonna work out.
Dr. Frasier Crane: You're not still feeling guilty, are you?
Martin: No, what you said made a lot of sense. It's just that I think it's run its course.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, well, I have a theory.
Martin: Geez!
Dr. Frasier Crane: [Daphne enters and hears] No, no, hear me out. I think by giving you my approval to sleep with Clare I've made it less exciting for you. There was a certain illicitness to the relationship that gave it a kind of piquancy.
Martin: Frasier, it's Sunday, take the day off!
Daphne Moon: Wait, Mr. Crane. You slept with Mrs. Wojadubakowski?
Martin: [being sarcastic] Yes, I did, isn't that adorable?
Daphne Moon: No, it's disgusting, you dirty old man! Sleeping with that poor widow before her husband's even cold in the ground.
Martin: You think that was wrong?
Daphne Moon: You're damn right I do. You ought to be ashamed.
Martin: See, I told you, Frasier.
Daphne Moon: We live in a civilized society and there are certain rules we have to live by.
[getting carried away and confused]
Daphne Moon: We all have impulses we'd like to explore, but we don't!
Dr. Frasier Crane: Daphne?
Daphne Moon: Well, we can't just go chasing anyone you fancy just because you're suddenly attracted to them. There are certain things you don't do, no matter how tempted you are.
[Daphne leaves to her room]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Boy that was strange, wasn't it?
Martin: I don't think it was strange at all! Made a lot of sense to me!
[Martin gets up and gets his coat]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Where the hell are you going?
Martin: Well, I better get over to Clare's and apologize. Don't wait up for me Frasier, I've got a lot of apologizing to do!


"Frasier: To Thine Old Self Be True (#7.20)" (2000)
Dr. Mel Karnofsky: She never thinks about anybody but herself. Daphne, get me a cup of tea.
Daphne: Actually, I have a bit of a headache.
Dr. Mel Karnofsky: Oh, you could be coming down with something. Wash your hands first.


"Frasier: Love Bites Dog (#4.2)" (1996)
Daphne Moon: Well, look at you all dressed up.
Frasier: Yes, it's a new suit. Yes, I'm meeting a woman. And yes, it has been a while.
Daphne Moon: Thanks, that reminds me. I have to order my cards.


"Frasier: Adventures in Paradise: Part 2 (#2.9)" (1994)
Dr. Niles Crane: Maris will be thrilled you're coming to see her tonight in the ballet.
Daphne Moon: Oh, we're delighted.
Martin Crane: [grumbles unenthusiastically]
Daphne Moon: You know, when I was younger, I dreamed of being a ballerina myself.
Dr. Niles Crane: So did Maris. Poor thing could never get weight up enough.


"Frasier: Retirement Is Murder (#2.13)" (1995)
Frasier: Hello Daphne. Is Dad here?
Daphne: No, I haven't seen him since he knocked me up this morning.
Frasier: [after a pause] What?
Daphne: Knocked me up. Woke me up. It's an English expression. What does it mean here?
Frasier: Oh, something else. You'd definitely be awake for it.


"Frasier: Where Every Bloke Knows Your Name (#5.10)" (1998)
[Daphne is talking up her friend Clare]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Daphne, I thought by now that you would know my policy on fix-ups.
Daphne Moon: She's pretty, she's lonely, and she's an underwear model.
Dr. Frasier Crane: So you do know my policy. Off we go!


"Frasier: The 1000th Show (#5.5)" (1997)
Daphne: I'm a resident alien here from England - you know, the country that used to own you people.


"Frasier: Hot Pursuit (#7.18)" (2000)
Niles: Hello, Daphne. Is Dad around?
Daphne: Actually, he's gone off with Donny. They went to a tractor pull.
Niles: Ohhh...
[Looks questioningly at Daphne]
Daphne: As I understand it, they attach a large weight to a tractor and see how far they can pull it through the mud.
Niles: Ohhh...
[Looks questioningly at her again]
Daphne: The answer to your next question is "beats the hell out of me."


"Frasier: Trophy Girlfriend (#10.15)" (2003)
[about their shared childhood experiences with gym teachers]
Frasier: You know, perhaps getting to know Chelsea will help Niles to exorcise his demons and put them behind him.
Daphne Crane: He's running out of room back there.


"Frasier: Rooms with a View (#10.8)" (2002)
Roz Doyle: Oh, Daphne, it's okay, it's okay; everything's gonna be fine.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Daphne, I know you're in hell right now, but, in just about twenty minutes comes the disconnecting of the ventilator and the extubation. You can see it all in the diagram on page 24 -
Daphne Crane: He's not a diagram! He's my husband! And he's on a table with his chest cut open! I'm sorry if I can't handle this as well as the rest of you, but I'm terrified.
Roz Doyle: Daphne, it's okay; just calm down. I mean, when all this is over we're just gonna -
Daphne Crane: There is no "when this is over"! There's no tomorrow, no next week, no next year - there's *nothing* until he comes out of there and I know he's okay!


"Frasier: Caught in the Act (#11.15)" (2004)
Frasier: Nanette!
Nanny G: God, I could throw you down on this floor right now and...
[sees the rest]
Nanny G: Hi!
Frasier: Here, let me take your wrap...
Daphne: [aside to Martin] Isn't she the children's entertainer?
Martin: Yeah, SpongeBob Hotpants.


"Frasier: Desperately Seeking Closure (#5.8)" (1997)
Frasier: [has everyone tell him his faults] Fuss budget! Well, listen, if you don't mind the substitution, I think maybe "demanding" is more the mot juste.
Daphne: Pretentious.
Frasier: Right, you see, this is very good. Roz, you must have something?
Roz: Well, you are a little full of yourself.
Frasier: Great. Okay, pompous.
Roz: And you do tend to ramble on with the callers.
Frasier: A tad loquacious.
Martin: Pretentious.
Frasier: Dad, I already wrote that down.
Martin: Underline it.
Niles: Oh, snippy.
Daphne: Sarcastic.
Martin: Bossy.
Niles: Huffy.
Roz: Vain.
Frasier: Oh, how nice we've finally found an activity we all enjoy together!
Martin: Oh, don't worry about it Frasier. You'll be fine, you'll bounce back. You're tough.
Roz: And resourceful.
Niles: Resilient.
Martin: Optimistic.
Niles: Tenacious.
Daphne: Conceited.
Martin: Wrong list, Daph.


"Frasier: Cheerful Goodbyes (#9.21)" (2002)
[on Cliff Clavin's theories]
Niles: If I hear one more of that postman's crackpot theories my head will explode.
Frasier: Don't worry, Niles, no one takes him seriously.
Daphne: I never knew how many letters there were in the dolphin alphabet.


"Frasier: Call Me Irresponsible (#1.7)" (1993)
[Though it's October 21st, Martin and Daphne decorate the apartment for Christmas, to take the picture for their cards]
Daphne Moon: [looking at the tree] Oh, it's lovely.
Daphne Moon, Martin Crane: [singing] Deck the halls with boughs of holly, fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la...!
[Frasier comes in from his nap]
Frasier: Excuse me, excuse me... exactly how long have I been asleep?


"Frasier: Roz in the Doghouse (#2.12)" (1995)
Daphne: I don't see what's so hard about telling Roz you were wrong.
Frasier: You don't understand. It's not the same as Dad being wrong, or your being wrong. I have a degree from Harvard. Whenever I'm wrong, the world makes a little less sense.


"Frasier: The Unnatural (#4.16)" (1997)
Daphne Moon: [to Frasier] Your son just walked right in on me in the shower!
Frasier: Frederick!
Frederick: Dad, all I really saw was...
Frasier: I'm very disappointed in you, young man.
Niles: Let the boy finish!


"Frasier: Shrink Rap (#3.2)" (1995)
Daphne: [in flashback, talking to Frasier] I don't know how you put up with him.
Niles: [cut to present time in a shrink's office] LIAR! LIAR! Daphne never said that!
Frasier: Well, she said it with body language.
Niles: I happen to be fluent in that language, and she said no such thing!


"Frasier: Star Mitzvah (#10.6)" (2002)
[Daphne learns about Niles's one-night stand with Lilith]
Daphne: With Lilith?
Niles: I was drunk.
Daphne: Yeah, you'd have to be, wouldn't you?
[realizes]
Daphne: Oh, sorry Frasier.
Frasier: Oh no, drinking definitely took the edge off.


"Frasier: The Doctor Is Out (#11.3)" (2003)
Daphne Crane: I'm Daphne, Niles's wife.
Alistair Burke: [sarcastically] No.
Dr. Niles Crane: We're expecting.
Alistair Burke: Can't say I was


"Frasier: Frasier-Lite (#11.12)" (2004)
Dr. Frasier Crane: Daphne, didn't you purchase some sort of stomach-tightening apparatus for dad?
Daphne Crane: The Ab-Blaster or the Flab-Buster?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Right, I tell you what. Bring me both of them, I'll put them together and see if I can get a real good workout.


"Frasier: Martin Does It His Way (#3.3)" (1995)
[on the morning of Frasier's aunt's funeral, Daphne sneezes explosively]
Frasier: God bless you, Daphne. Are you sure you're up to coming to the memorial?
Daphne Moon: Oh, it's just a little cold. Besides, in my family, when there was a funeral everybody went. I remember when Grammy Moon passed on. My brothers had been off on a three-day bender. They couldn't even stand on their own - pissed as newts! But they crawled to that chapel on their hands and knees.
Frasier: Very commendable.
Daphne Moon: Yeah, well, they had an obligation. They were the pallbearers.


"Frasier: Murder Most Maris (#11.8)" (2003)
[Maris has been arrested for murder]
Daphne: So where is she now?
Martin: They're holding her as a flight risk.
Niles: Can you imagine?
Martin: Well, it didn't help that when they found her, she had a passport, a wig, and $10,000 in her purse.
Niles: Maris always has those things in her purse.


"Frasier: Beloved Infidel (#1.8)" (1993)
Daphne: Working down at the docks has always been a tradition for us Moons. My father worked on the docks, and me grandfather before him. All my brothers do. Well, except for my brother Billy. He came home one day, and announced he hated the smell of fish and was going to teach ballroom dancing. And he did. And he does. He's my mum's favorite. Dad mostly flicks the crust off his kidney pie at him.


"Frasier: Guess Who's Coming to Breakfast (#1.13)" (1994)
Daphne: I've been sending Elaine psychic messages all day.
Frasier: You can transmit? I thought you were just a receiver.
Daphne: Well, I'm giving it a try. You know - "Elaine in 1410, come to dinner! Come to dinner!
Frasier: Well that's very charming, but Elaine's in 1412.
Daphne: Oh dear. I guess I'd better set another place at the table.


"Frasier: Author, Author (#1.22)" (1994)
Frasier: Morning all!
Martin: Morning.
Daphne Moon: You seem cheerful this morning, Dr. Crane.
Frasier: Why shouldn't I be?
[Picks up a muffin and begins to take a bite]
Martin: Well it's going to rain again, jobless rates are up and about two minutes ago Eddie was licking that muffin.


"Frasier: Slow Tango in South Seattle (#2.1)" (1994)
Dr. Frasier Crane: I can't believe this. I simply cannot believe it.
Martin: What are you yapping about?
Dr. Frasier Crane: This... this book. It was written by a man I knew. He's taken an incident from my own life - something I shared with him in confidence one night - and he's turned it into this... this trash!
Daphne Moon: "Slow Tango"? I just started reading that. You mean to tell me that young man is based on you, Dr. Crane?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes, he is, but did Thomas Jay Fallow have the grace to thank me? No! My name isn't even listed in his acknowledgements!
Martin: What's it about, anyway?
Dr. Frasier Crane: That is not important.
Daphne Moon: It's about his first time.
Dr. Frasier Crane: [sarcastically] Thank you, Daphne.
Niles: Your first time doing what?
Dr. Frasier Crane: [sarcastic again] Changing a flat tire.
Niles: Oh... oh!
Martin: So this whole book's about the night you conceived Frederick?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Very amusing, dad. I'll have you know that was not my first time.
Martin: Hey, I'm happy to know it wasn't your only time.
Niles: Just who was this charitable lass?
Dr. Frasier Crane: That is not important.
Daphne Moon: His piano teacher.
Martin: His piano teacher?
Dr. Frasier Crane: [sarcastically] Thank you again, Daphne!


"Frasier: Roz and the Schnoz (#5.21)" (1998)
[Frasier gives Daphne a pair of earrings which she mistakes for real sapphires]
Daphne: [blabbering] You know, my friend Molly got a diamond bracelet from her boss but she worked for him for ten years, AND she was sleeping with him! And now I've got sapphires! And I didn't even have to sleep with you! Although now that I've got the sapphires... Oh God, what am I saying? I'm giddy! Is it rude if I go and try these on? I don't care! I have to see what these look like! I've never had real jewelry, before, never! I'm speechless!


"Frasier: The Great Crane Robbery (#8.4)" (2000)
Dr. Niles Crane: I know it's difficult, but once she gives me that divorce, we can go anywhere we want. Paris, Florence, Rio.
Daphne Moon: How about my room to fold laundry?
Dr. Niles Crane: I hear it's lovely this time of year.