Dr. Lilith Sternin
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Quotes for
Dr. Lilith Sternin (Character)
from "Cheers" (1982)

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"Frasier: The Apparent Trap (#7.9)" (1999)
Frasier: Who is this colleague anyway?
Lilith: He's the man who supplies me with lab rats. It's about time we got together socially. I've known him for over fifty-two generations.

[Niles and Lilith see each other for the first time after their fling]
Frasier: It happened, take from it what you can learn, move on.
Niles: Well, I learned if you kiss her too fast you get an ice-cream headache.
Lilith: You also learned that I have twice your upper body strength, so shut your pie hole.

Lilith: Daphne, is your fiance joining us?
Daphne: No, I'll be seeing him later. Donny has his own Thanksgiving tradition. He has a dinner for all the divorced men he's represented during the year. He's hosting twenty-five today.
Lilith: Wow. Twenty-five lonely, bitter men.
Daphne: Yeah, it's been a good year.

Niles: What's this about?
Lilith: Well, it's about an attraction that I thought was over and now I'm beginning to think, maybe it's not.
Niles: Usually in my dreams, this is where I try to run and can't.

Lilith: If he wants something badly enough, he will figure out a way to get it. Remember when he was a baby, the bottle at the end of the maze?
Frasier: You know, I kinda regret doing that.

Lilith: Do I know my son, or do I know my son?
Frasier: He was willing to put us through absolute hell just for a minibike?
Lilith: You know what this means, don't you?
Frasier: Yes, he's normal. We're not bad parents. Well done, Dr. Sternin.
Lilith: Well done, Dr. Crane.

Lilith: Well, we really should get in there.
Frasier: Yes, I suppose we should. Must be sheer torment for him, waiting for the ax to fall.
Lilith: Absolute hell.
Frasier: Absolute nightmare.
Frasier: Wine?
Lilith: Love some.

[Freddy wants a dirt bike]
Frederick: But all my friends have one.
Lilith: If all of your friends walked into a Level 4 Biohazard Area without their biohazard suits on, would you go too?

Martin: Has the witch gone yet?
Frasier: Lilith's still here, dad.
Martin: Oh, in that case, I'll ask you too, Lilith. Has my twitch gone yet? I had some very strong coffee this morning and...
Lilith: Skillfully done, Martin.


"Frasier: The Show Where Lilith Comes Back (#1.16)" (1994)
[Frasier has a surprise caller to his show - his ex-wife]
Frasier: Well, Lilith, what brings you to Seattle, the constant rain?
Lilith: I'm here for a convention, and I happened to hear your voice on the radio. I kept hoping you'd introduce Pearl Jam's latest hit, but much to my chagrin, you were doling out worthless little advice pellets from your psychiatric Pez dispenser.

Lilith: [to Eddie] Go away!
[Eddie runs off]
Frasier: Now why does he listen to you and not to me?
Lilith: By my tone of voice. He knows I mean business.
Frasier: I see, so you're saying your voice is more commanding than mine.
Martin: Hell, I took half a step before I realized she was talking to the dog!

Niles: Well, I guess I'll say my goodbyes as well. Goodnight, Frasier.
[ignores Lilith]
Frasier: Oh, this is ridiculous! Listen, Lilith, uh, Niles is upset because you snickered at Maris's wedding vows.
Lilith: I simply responded with the genuine spontaneous emotion I was feeling at the moment. But, if Niles is not mature enough to accept that, if he is so pitifully insecure, if he is in such need of validation, then I guess for some sense of familial harmony, I do apologize.
Niles: Oh, Lilith, thank you!
[hugs her tight]
Niles: Oh, this bad blood between us has gone on far too long! Next time you're in town, we'll have dinner, just you and me!
Frasier: [Niles leaves. Lilith looks at Frasier] He doesn't get that kind of validation at home, you see.

Frasier: Hello, you're on the line.
Dr. Lilith Sternin: Congratulations, Frasier, you've done it again. You've led another unsuspecting innocent down one of your dark, dead-end Freudian hallways.
Frasier: Lilith?
Dr. Lilith Sternin: Overeating is very simply a behavioral problem caused by negative reinforcement. It can be cured quite readily by behavior modification.
Frasier: I see. Well Seattle, we have a celebrity of sorts on the line. This is my ex-wife Lilith.
Dr. Lilith Sternin: What do you mean by celebrity?
Frasier: [darkly] Oh, they know you.

Dr. Lilith Sternin: I'm here for a convention and I happened to hear your voice on the radio. I kept hoping that you'd introduce Pearl Jam's latest hit, but to my chagrin, you were doling out worthless little advice pellets from your psychiatric Pez dispenser.


"Frasier: Room Service (#5.15)" (1998)
[Frasier finds Niles in Lilith's hotel room, and realizes they have slept together]
Lilith: If you could look at this rationally for one moment: we didn't actually do anything wrong.
Frasier: [incredulous] What? You didn't do anything wrong?
Niles: I'm a little unclear on that myself, but I'm willing to go along with it!

Lilith: Niles, sorry to hear your marriage ended in a shambles.
Niles: Ditto.

Lilith: It's ironic isn't it? No sooner do I get the closet of my dreams than my husband comes out of it.

Frasier: Oh, Lilith, that dress is stunning.
Dr. Lilith Sternin: It's from a new couture line called "Encore."
Frasier: Oh. Well... *Bravo*. I can almost feel the curtain rising.

Niles: [Frasier re-enters the hotel room after previously storming out upon discovering that his ex-wife, Lilith, and his brother, Niles, have spent the night together] I knew you couldn't stay mad at us.
Frasier: I'm in a bathrobe, you jackass!
Dr. Lilith Sternin: I can understand your shock, and believe me, if I could erase everything that happened last night, I would, but if you could just look at this rationally, just for a moment... we didn't technically do anything wrong.
Frasier: What? You "didn't do *anything* wrong"?
Niles: I'm a little unclear on that myself, but I'm willing to go along with it.
Dr. Lilith Sternin: You and I are no longer married. Neither is Niles. I won't say this is my shining hour, but we are not responsible to you or anyone else for our actions.
Frasier: You're actually defending what you did.
Dr. Lilith Sternin: Just listen. The past few days have been *the* worst of my life. I have never been less self-assured, more in need of validation, both as a person and especially as a woman. Niles was feeling the same thing.
Niles: Exactly. Wait a minute.
Dr. Lilith Sternin: Our physical reaction to each other was nothing more than a desperate attempt to reaffirm our own worth.
Frasier: Well, that is very impressive, Dr. Sternin. But I, too, happen to be a psychiatrist. Let me tell you what actually transpired. This... was a passive-aggressive manifestation of your deep resentments toward me. Niles, you were punishing me for my notoriety; you, for my successful adjustment after our divorce. It is this *shared* bond that brought the two of you to your palace of sweet revenge.
Dr. Lilith Sternin: Allow me to rebut. What a crock!
Frasier: It is not!
Dr. Lilith Sternin: It is so! This is yet another example of your complete self-absorption, which is the reason we could not stay together in the first place.
Frasier: I have a right to... Why am *I* defending myself?
Niles: If you ask me, you are both off the mark. Last night was about two people ruled by very powerful superegos, tortured by them, who found a chance, however misguided, to break through and rediscover their ids together. Call me an old softy, but that's how I see it.
Frasier: Okay, then. The three of us have certainly analyzed the crap out of this.
Dr. Lilith Sternin: [... ] You realize if you had simply given in to me last night instead of this morning, the three of us would not be in this hell.
Frasier: No. It would be the two of us in a whole different hell.


"Frasier: Don Juan in Hell: Part 2 (#9.2)" (2001)
[On a getaway at a rustic cabin, Frasier has a hallucination of his three previous girlfriends]
Nanette: Before Frasier sold out, we dreamed of having a home like this, where we'd be close to nature and need nothing except the food we'd grow ourselves and the warmth of each other's arms.
Lilith: [drily] It's a wonder that marriage didn't work out.
Diane Chambers: [aside to Lilith] She was probably great in the sack.
Nanette: Actually, I made a lot of distracting noises.

Lilith: We were doing perfectly well before you got here.
Hester Rose Crane: Well, if your bargain-basement psychiatry was so effective, why did he have to call in the big guns?

Lilith: Excuse me, the definitive study was done five years later at Cambridge.
Hester Rose Crane: Oh, excuse me for not keeping up, I was busy being dead.
Nanette: That's her excuse for everything!
Hester Rose Crane: Don't you have a tambourine to bang?
Diane Chambers: [to Nanette] Don't feel bad, she tried to kill me once.
Hester Rose Crane: Oh, not this paranoia again!
Diane Chambers: You had a gun!

Lilith: Failure is a result, Frasier, not a cause, try to focus on the core.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Maybe there is no core. Maybe fate is just conspiring against me! Have you ever considered that?
Lilith: No, there's no such thing as fate.
Nanette: Ha! If that were true, there'd be no such thing as astrology!


"Frasier: Adventures in Paradise: Part 2 (#2.9)" (1994)
Dr. Lilith Sternin: Dr. Brian Patchett, I'd like you to meet Madeline Marshall, and Dr. Frasier Crane.
Brian: [laughing] Your ex-husband? You're making a joke!
Dr. Lilith Sternin: No, God is.

[Lilith has just introduced her boyfriend, Brian, to Frasier]
Dr. Lilith Sternin: Brian is a seismologist at MIT.
Frasier: Oh, well, that's perfect: Brian, being a seismologist, and you, having so many faults.

Dr. Lilith Sternin: To Frasier on his meeting of her new boy friend. Brian is a seismologist at M.I.T.
Frasier: Oh, well that's perfect; Brian being a seismologist and you having so many faults.

Frasier: [surprised to see Lilith in Bora Bora] Are you here with someone?
Dr. Lilith Sternin: Yes, actually. He's snorkeling at the moment.
Frasier: Anyone I know?
Dr. Lilith Sternin: Sam Malone.
Frasier: SAM?
Dr. Lilith Sternin: Just kidding.


"Frasier: Lilith Needs a Favor (#10.13)" (2003)
Dr. Frasier Crane: Would we sleep together?
Dr. Lilith Sternin: I thought we'd freeze your sperm.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Is that a yes or a no?

[Frasier is in a booth, trying to make a sperm sample]
Dr. Lilith Sternin: Just a hint...
Dr. Frasier Crane: Lilith! If there is one thing I can do *by myself*, this is it!

[Frasier is about to make a sperm sample]
Dr. Lilith Sternin: Frasier! It probably doesn't matter, but try to think positive thoughts.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Thanks for that. I was going to think of the plight of the American Indian.


"Cheers: Breaking in Is Hard to Do (#9.7)" (1990)
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: If I had a problem and needed to talk to someone about it, would it be perpetuating a stereotype to actually select a bartender?
Sam Malone: It depends.
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: On what?
Sam Malone: On what you just said.

Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: I feel like a failure - a failure as a mother, ergo as a woman and a person. Do you make a drink for failures here at Cheers?
Sam Malone: Ah, hold on a sec. Phil, what are you drinking?
Phil: A Manhattan.
Sam Malone: [to Lilith] Manhattan.

Dr. Frasier Crane: [about spending the day at the bar with Frederick] I thought that Frederick might enjoy himself.
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: Enjoy himself in a bar? He's eleven months old. What kind of values can he learn here?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, I thought the place had a lot to offer.
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: Oh, please. He'll never learn to speak in this environment.
Norm Peterson: [Norm walks into the bar] Afternoon everybody.
Frederick Crane: Norm!
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: [looks lovingly into Frederick's eyes] He said Mommy!


"Cheers: I'm Okay, You're Defective (#10.11)" (1991)
Dr. Frasier Crane: First, you get me to get this one million dollar life insurance policy, now you're badgering me about the will. Lilith, I'm practically afraid to start my car in the morning.
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: Frasier, I'm a scientist. If I wanted to kill you, I could certainly think of more clever ways to do it than that. Something subtle, something that couldn't be traced back to me.
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: [slyly] Drink your drink, darling.
[Frasier has a scared look on his face]
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: You are so cute when you fear for your life.

Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: Frasier, I'm going to die too.
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: Again?

[last lines]
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: That damn bar!


"Frasier: A Lilith Thanksgiving (#4.7)" (1996)
[Niles is preparing Thanksgiving turkey in Lilith's kitchen]
Niles: Where do you keep your saffron?
Lilith: Third cupboard.
Niles: Mm-hmm, and where do you keep your shallots?
Lilith: In the crisper. By the way, you still have to remove the entrails from the chest cavity.
Niles: In that case, where do you keep your ten-foot pole?

Lilith: I'm nearly done defrosting.
Niles: And the turkey?
Lilith: Might I suggest you stuff it?

Lilith: Frasier, if you over-analyze every detail, you will rob us of the joy of the moment. It will be our wedding night all over again.


"Cheers: Severe Crane Damage (#8.18)" (1990)
Frasier: [about Lilith's new book] It's called Good Girls/Bad Boys. Isn't that cute?
Lilith: That was my editor's idea. I wanted to call it A Cross Sectional Study of Control Group Females With a Tendency Toward Self-Destruction Vis-a-Vis Damaging Relationships With Members of the Opposite Sex.
Woody: [exasperated] Oh brother, not another one of those.

Lilith: Has anyone seen Frasier? He cancelled an eight-thirty appointment.
Norm: Wow, he sees patients at night?
Lilith: No. We were going to make love to celebrate my new book.

Viper: [to Frasier] You're getting dull on me, Slash.
[Frasier is unaware that Lilith is standing behind him]
Frasier: Oh, listen Viper, if caring for the one you love, caring for your children, if paying attention to your career and home, if these things be dull, then may I be the dullest man who ever lived.
Lilith: [passionately] You are, Frasier, you are.


"Cheers: The Bar Manager, the Shrink, His Wife and Her Lover (#11.17)" (1993)
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: How long has Frasier been sleeping with Rebecca?
Sam Malone: I beg your pardon?
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: Did he at least have the courtesy to wait until I was in the ground?

Sam Malone: Did you hear that everybody? Frasier and Lilith are back together again. Oh, that makes me so happy. Here, free drinks on the house.
[Sam pours a mug of beer and hands it to an excited Norm]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Just a minute, Sam. I haven't taken her back.
Woody Boyd: [as he grabs the beer from Norm's hands] Ah, sorry, Mr. Peterson.
Norm Peterson: [to Frasier and Lilith] Wait, wait, come on now, now... You two kids belong together. Come on.
Dr. Frasier Crane: The unmitigated gall. You think you can walk back into my life and patch it up again as quickly as you destroyed it.
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: Frasier, I'm sorry.
Norm Peterson: All right, she's sorry. Beers for everybody, come on.

Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: [about Frasier] I'm as determined to get him back as I was to leave him.


"Cheers: The Norm Who Came to Dinner (#10.4)" (1991)
[Norm is providing a quote for a paint job]
Norm Peterson: I think I can swing the whole thing today for, uh... what do you say, four hundred dollars?
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: Uh, that's a little pricey, isn't it?
Norm Peterson: Uh, all right. Well, say, two hundred, and you supply the food and beer?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Four hundred it is.

Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: [to the Cheers gang, partying late in the Crane living room] Stop this right now! I want you people out of my house!
Sam Malone: Hey, Lilith, what's wrong?
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: You've taken advantage of our hospitality! You should be ashamed of yourselves!
Sam Malone: Lilith, don't you think you're overreacting a little bit?
[phone rings, Sam answers]
Sam Malone: Cheers.


"Cheers: For Real Men Only (#8.8)" (1989)
Sam Malone: [after the bris, walking out of the pool room with a crying Frederick in his arms] It's okay, baby. Everything is going to be fine.
Dr. Frasier Crane: [following Sam, with a crying Lilith in his arms] It's okay, baby. Everything is going to be fine. Say, you know, what do you say next time, we have a girl?
Dr. Lilith Sternin: [whimpering] Mm-hm.

Dr. Frasier Crane: [Talking about Frederick's impending bris, to which everyone has been invited] You know, the ceremony promises to be quite enlightening, too. After all, it's not every day you're ritually circumcised.
Sam Malone: [Alarmed] What?
Dr. Lilith Sternin: Well, that's what a bris is.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes. It's the religious ceremony where the baby is circumcised.
Sam Malone: [Much relieved] Oh, the baby!


"Cheers: Head Over Hill (#10.9)" (1991)
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: Frasier, I cannot believe you revealed what is essentially a profesional confidence.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Sweetheart, did she pay you a dime?
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: No.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Then why are we having this discussion?

Carla Tortelli-LeBec: [referring to John Allen Hill] I marched into his office, and I started calling him bald and wrinkled, and he started calling me short and ugly, and before I knew it, our clothes were off and we were insulting each other against the filing cabinet!
Rebecca Howe: But, Carla, I mean, he is, he is...
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: You know what I call him? The Bullet.
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: Carla, I believe I understand what happened. You two have a classic attraction-repulsion relationship. It's really a fairly common phenomenon. People who are constantly at odds with one another very often have rivers of passion raging between them, until, one day, the banks overflow in a torrent of unthinking, unreasonable emotion.
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: Plus, the guy's practically a contortionist.


"Cheers: How to Win Friends and Electrocute People (#7.7)" (1988)
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: [to Sam] I need someone to whom I have no emotional attachment whatsoever, so as a friend, would you do me this favor?

Sam Malone: [enters Cheers, holding a handkerchief to his nose] You know, you're insane! You're a maniac! You're certifiable!
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: I'm glad to see you're talking to me again. Has your nose stopped bleeding?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Sam, are you all right?
Sam Malone: Yeah - no thanks to your wife. I cannot believe you made that gesture to that guy!
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: I've seen people make that gesture to Frasier all the time.
Sam Malone: Yeah, but Frasier's not driving an eighteen-wheeler with a little bumper sticker that says 'Insured by Smith and Wesson'!


"Cheers: Home Malone (#9.25)" (1991)
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: [talking about Sam babysitting Frederick] I don't know how comfortable I feel with this set-up. He's just a baby, he needs supervision.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, Sam can take care of it.
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: I'm talking about Sam. You know how out out of control he can get at times, what a mess he can make of everything.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, Sam can clean it up. Oh...
Dr. Frasier Crane, Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: You're/I'm talking about Sam.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Darling, it'll just be for a few hours.
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: All right, but if anything goes wrong, he could be scarred for life.
Dr. Frasier Crane: You mean Sam, right?
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: Yes, and it is a threat.

Dr. Frasier Crane: I'm proud to tell you that my lovely wife is being honored tonight by the scientific community for her contributions to the study of sensory deprivation.
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: It was serendipitous, I admit. I returned to the lab after a two-week holiday to find that I had locked my lab assistant in the isolation tank. Suffice to say, what could have turned out to be a nasty lawsuit turned into an award winning paper.


"Cheers: The Gift of the Woodi (#7.19)" (1989)
Rebecca Howe: Do you think that you could help me develop a more business-like appearance?
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: I'd love to, Rebecca. And may I say, it's about time you asked. There are two approaches a woman can take in turning her look to her advantage. The first is to play upon the male's sexual drive and turn yourself into an object of desire. I have opted for the second.
Rebecca Howe: What's that?
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: Scaring them stupid.

Dr. Frasier Crane: [talking to Woody] I remember when I was courting a certain beauty. I wrote her a poem. It wasn't a great piece of literature, but it expressed my feelings honestly. I recall reciting the last lines when we were sitting on a fire, basking in our love: "Your lips are a flame that consumes me / and the candle that lights my way."
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: Frasier, love...
Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes, dearest?
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: I never heard that drivel before in my life.
[then dumps cocktail onto Frasier's pants and leaves]
Dr. Frasier Crane: [nervous] I wonder whose lips those were.


"Cheers: The Stork Brings a Crane (#8.6)" (1989)
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: Frasier, the child will be born when the child is ready to be born.
Cliff Clavin: Well, enjoy your freedom, Lilith. Cause once you've gone through the unspeakable horror of childbirth and the painful drudgery of parenthood, you'll spend the rest of your life wishing you'd sold the little brat to the gypsies.
Carla LeBec: How would you know?
Cliff Clavin: Ah, that's what my Ma tells me.

Dr. Frasier Crane: [Following the very overdue Lilith out of the pool room] I'm beginning to wonder if you're fit to carry my seed!
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: I'm beginning to wish you'd kept it!


"Cheers: Rich Man, Wood Man (#10.19)" (1992)
Dr. Frasier Crane: [to the gang at the bar] You may not have noticed, but over the last year, I have allowed myself to gradually fall out of shape. I am frequently tired, and I find I no longer have the energy for some of my daily activities.
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: Or some of your weekly ones.

Dr. Frasier Crane: [to the gang at the bar] You may ask, 'Why is Frasier sharing this information with the general public?'.
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: Because you're the loneliest man on Earth?
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: He has another reason.


"Cheers: An Old-Fashioned Wedding (#10.25)" (1992)
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: [to Frasier] Do you realize when I publish my book on borderline psychosis, every penny I ever spent in this bar will be deductible?

[Woody and Kelly's wedding is delayed since the minister to perform the ceremony has died, a fact that has not yet been spread amongst the wedding guests]
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: What's taking so long? Shouldn't the wedding have started by now?
Sam Malone: Ah, well, something came up, Lilith. I'm afraid I can't go into it, but, uh, maybe it'd be a good idea if you went out there and, you know, were to sing and dance and use some of your natural talents to entertain people.
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: Omigod, someone died, didn't they?


"Cheers: The Crane Mutiny (#6.5)" (1987)
Dr. Lilith Sternin: I'm going to go out and wander the streets aimlessly. I'll take my usual route.

Dr. Lilith Sternin: [to Rebecca, who she thinks is having an affair with Frasier] You and I are both mature women, and I think we should handle this openly and with civility. Believe me, I could be doing you a very big favor. Frasier is not an easy man to live with. He's obsessively compulsive about neatness. The sex is good, but he pouts unless you compliment his performance. Fortunately, his male ego can be satisfied with a simple, "Thank you, Conan".


"Cheers: How to Marry a Mailman (#8.4)" (1989)
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: Who's Margaret O'Keefe?
Dr. Frasier Crane: She's a young woman with whom Cliff had a brief romantic encounter.
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: If you don't want to tell me, just say so. You don't have to make things up!

Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: Cliff, would you be interested in taking part in a university project? No, wait, let me rephrase that. Would you be interested in *being* a university project?


"Cheers: The Cranemakers (#7.16)" (1989)
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: Carla, sister-woman, why didn't you ever share with me the religious wonder of this experience when *you* were great with child?
Carla LeBec: I was too busy puking.

Dr. Frasier Crane: So all we need to do now is buy a stout axe and a plot of land in the wilderness.
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: And I'll stand by your side and bear your young and cook your meals.
Carla LeBec: Try not to get them mixed up.


"Cheers: Second Time Around (#4.17)" (1986)
Dr. Frasier Crane: So, how do you like Cheers?
Dr. Lilith Sternin: Well, it seems adequate for its purpose. But I have a feeling that you only brought me to this place to surround yourself with people you know and I don't.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, yes. But what's more, I thought that we might have a drink or two thereby lowering our inhibitions a bit, and enabling us to go back to your place and have a physical encounter of some sort.
Dr. Lilith Sternin: Well, we won't.
Dr. Frasier Crane: I appreciate your candor.
Dr. Lilith Sternin: No you don't.
Dr. Frasier Crane: You're right. I feel like striking you.
Dr. Lilith Sternin: Your attempt at machismo is totally inadequate. You can't even make eye contact.
Dr. Frasier Crane: I could look at you if I wanted to, but frankly I've grown tired of counting the comb marks in your hair.

Dr. Frasier Crane: If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go and use the little boys' room.
Dr. Lilith Sternin: Why does a grown man feel the need to euphemize?
Woody Boyd: Well, he did drink that beer awfully fast.


"Cheers: I Kid You Not (#7.14)" (1989)
[Frasier got some gum on his pants]
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: We'll swing by our place and pick up another pair on our way to the opera.
Ludlow Tortelli: Which opera are you going to?
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: Die Meistersinger.
Ludlow Tortelli: Oh I know that one. That's where all the master singers get together in Nuremburg and have a big contest to find out who's best.
Sam Malone: Oh yeah, kind of like Star Search.


"Cheers: Abnormal Psychology (#5.4)" (1986)
Frasier: You know, you perplex me.
Lilith: Oh?
Frasier: Yes, usually people of your limited physical appeal make up for it with an actual personality.


"Cheers: Rat Girl (#9.24)" (1991)
[Lilith received an emergency telephone call]
Rebecca: Is everything all right?
Lilith: Yes, it was a false alarm.
Rebecca: So nothing was wrong?
Lilith: No, one of my patients set off a false alarm. But he's a pyromaniac, so for him, this is progress.


"Cheers: Cheers Fouls Out (#9.2)" (1990)
[Frasier and Lilith are talking about their sex life, which Frasier now sees as non-existent since Lilith is withholding it]
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: Oh, for goodness sakes Frasier, we've been intimate several times this last month. Look at my day planner. We were together every night this weekend.
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: [looks in her day planner] Oh, good heavens, that wasn't you.
Dr. Frasier Crane: What do you mean it wasn't me?
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: I'm kidding. See? Look how tense you are. You wouldn't enjoy it anyway.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, fine. I don't want it anyway.
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: You do too.
Dr. Frasier Crane: I do not.
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: Do so.
Dr. Frasier Crane: All right, I do.
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: Well, you're not getting any. Oh, Frasier, isn't it enough that I'm doing it to your mind?


"Cheers: Where Have All the Floorboards Gone? (#10.8)" (1991)
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: [Lilith walks in from the ladies' room and gets her coat from one of the chairs] Frasier, I've got to run. I'm having my photograph taken for a new ID badge at the lab.
Rebecca Howe: Aren't you going to get your hair done for that?
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: Why on earth should I?
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: Well, at least get the tension on that bun checked. I mean if that baby goes, we're all dead.
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: That hardly seems just coming from a woman whose hair hasn't seen a greasy pot it couldn't scrub clean.
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: Watch it, babe!
[Lilith and Carla Face off]


"Cheers: Get Your Kicks on Route 666 (#10.2)" (1991)
[Rebecca and Lilith are talking about a guy with a magnificent butt, bulging biceps and piercing eyes]
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: You're getting me hot. Who are we talking about, here?
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: Your nephew, Frankie.
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: That is so sick.
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: Carla, surely, as a woman, you can see how your nephew might be considered... desirable.
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: Sure. You start thinking like that, and you end up with Woody's family.


"Cheers: The Ghost and Mrs. LeBec (#8.23)" (1990)
[after the séance]
Carla LeBec: I'm gonna see if I can catch up with Darryl.
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: I'm proud of you, Carla. You've made your peace with the Great Beyond.
Carla LeBec: Yeah, and now I'm gonna go grab a piece of the Great Behind.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Go with grace, sweet spirit.


"Cheers: Cheers Has Chili (#9.21)" (1991)
Woody Boyd: Mom finally sent out Grandma Meg's pressure cooker, so last night I whipped up a batch of chili.
Norm Peterson: Oh!
Woody Boyd: Do you want to try some?
Carla Tortelli-LeBec, Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane, Cliff Clavin, Norm Peterson, Dr. Frasier Crane, Pete: Oh yeah. Sure.
Woody Boyd: From an old family recipe.
Pete: Your Grandma's?
Woody Boyd: Nah, this old family that lived down the road.


"Frasier: Guns 'N Neuroses (#11.9)" (2003)
Lilith: Daphne, Niles, congratulations on the successful commingling of your genetic material.
Daphne: Thank you.
Lilith: Do you know the sex?
Niles: DO we? It's how we got pregnant!


"Cheers: To All the Girls I've Loved Before (#6.17)" (1988)
Dr. Lilith Sternin: I only wish there was some way I could repay you, Rebecca.
Rebecca Howe: Oh, don't mention it.
Dr. Lilith Sternin: If you ever need to admit a family member into a mental institution, I could certainly speed up the paperwork.


"Cheers: Teaching with the Enemy (#11.6)" (1992)
[Lilith has bad news for Frasier]
Dr. Frasier Crane: I know, I'll simply imagine the worst thing you could possibly tell me, and whatever your news is, it will pale by comparison. In fact, whatever it is, it'll be a relief. OK, OK, uh, what is the worst thing I can imagine?
[Frasier stops to think]
Dr. Frasier Crane: All right, I've got it. Lilith, your news please.
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: This afternoon, in a moment of extreme weakness, I cheated on you.
Dr. Frasier Crane: [gets up and yells] That was it! That was the worst thing!


"Cheers: Norm and Cliff's Excellent Adventure (#9.11)" (1990)
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: You know, Frasier, after hearing you complain about that for the umpteenth time, it's becoming impossible for me to sympathize.
Dr. Frasier Crane: [under his breath] Of course not - sympathy is a human emotion.


"Cheers: Slumber Party Massacred (#6.22)" (1988)
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: [about slumber party pranks] According to my patient, when the first person falls asleep, the others take her underwear, dip it in water, and then put it in the icebox for an hour to freeze it solid.
Carla LeBec: Or they could let you wear it for ten minutes.


"Cheers: Uncle Sam Wants You (#9.26)" (1991)
Lilith: [to Sam, about her and Frasier] We're not saying that we want to be intimate with each other right now.
Frasier: [aside to Sam] God forbid while the sun's up.


"Cheers: Bidding on the Boys (#6.8)" (1987)
Dr. Lilith Sternin: Why don't you go make love to your accountant?
[she walks out]
Norm Peterson: You know, if more people followed that advice, this world would be such a happier place.


"Cheers: Norm, Is That You? (#7.6)" (1988)
Dr. Frasier Crane: [Ivan, with the Cranes in their living room, takes their wedding portrait off the wall] Oh, much better, Yes, much better. You know, I never thought our wedding portrait lived there. Where should it go, Ivan?
Ivan: [Drops it in the trash] Here's a spot.
Dr. Lilith Sternin: Perfect! Why clutter a home with mementos?


"Cheers: Sisterly Love (#7.21)" (1989)
Sam Malone: [upon realizing that Susan and Rebecca Howe played a practical joke on him, making him think Rebecca had killed Susan] That wasn't funny. I mean that's the kind of thing that could, you know, give somebody serious, mental damage. Am I right, Lilith?
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: No, it was funny, Sam.


"Cheers: Crash of the Titans (#9.19)" (1991)
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: [to Rebecca] Why do you want Cheers? I would think, for you, this bar would only have negative associations connected with it. Well, think of all the heartbreak you've had here, the forgotten goals, the missed opportunities...
Norm Peterson: Hey, it's called atmosphere, babe.
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: I would would think, for you, this place would have the stench of failure.
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: No, that's Clavin. And FYI, it's not just failure.
Rebecca Howe: You know, actually Lilith, I had more productive, successful times at Cheers than I've had any other place in my life.
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: [in shock] Oh, Dear God!


"Cheers: The Girl in the Plastic Bubble (#11.7)" (1992)
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: Well, I'm off. I don't know what the future holds. Whatever happens, I only hope I can reach my full potential to acquire things the old Lilith never had.
Carla Tortelli: Like a body temperature?
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: Very good, Carla. Incidentally, I've taken your wisecracks for a few years now, you hideous gargoyle. And if you ever open that gateway to Hell you call a mouth in my direction again, I'll snap off your extremities like dead branches and feed them to you at gunpoint.
[Carla is too stupefied to reply]
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: God, that felt good!
[Lilith walks out of Cheers]
Carla Tortelli: Well, that was just plain rude.


"Cheers: Dinner at Eight-ish (#5.20)" (1987)
Dr. Lilith Sternin: [after Frasier and Lilith each dip and eat a potato chip] So Frasier, was it good for you, too?