Dr. Niles Crane
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Quotes for
Dr. Niles Crane (Character)
from "Frasier" (1993)

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"Frasier: My Coffee with Niles (#1.24)" (1994)
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well Niles, it doesn't look like anybody is leaving; why don't we take a table outside?
Dr. Niles Crane: Why not? I'm feeling al Fresco.
Dr. Niles Crane: Oh, how does Mrs. Fresco feel about that?
[they laugh]

Dr. Niles Crane: What is that? Rain?
Dr. Frasier Crane: [sarcastic] No, God is crying!
Dr. Niles Crane: I asked a simple question.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Do you ask any other kind?

Dr. Niles Crane: [Frasier starts laughing] What? What?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, just something that happened the other morning. I asked Dad to pass me a bran muffin, you know what he said to me? He said "What's the magic word?"
Dr. Niles Crane: You're kidding!
Dr. Frasier Crane: He didn't think it was very amusing when I said "rest home"!
[they both laugh]

Niles: [sees Roz with her date] Oh look, look that must be Roz's coffee companion. Wow! He's really handsome, isn't he?
Frasier: "Wow"? Did you say "Wow"?
Niles: Good Lord, I did. I've never said "Wow" when describing another man before. I wonder if that means something.
Frasier: [sarcastic] Oh, absolutely. It means you're a gay man. Your life with Maris was a charade and you should have come out of the closet years ago. Are you going to tell Dad or shall I?
[They laugh]

Frasier: So, what's new?
Niles: Well, Yoshi the gardener finally won the battle of the wills. He got Maris to dig up her camellias so he could put in that precious Zen garden that he's been hocking us about since last fall.
Frasier: How did that turn out?
Niles: Oh, it's beautiful, it's the perfect place for meditation. Yesterday, I found Maris smack-dab in the middle sitting in the lotus position.
Frasier: Well, good for her. Apparently it's bringing out her spiritual side.
Niles: I'm not sure, she was reading a Danielle Steele novel and making a nail appointment on her cellular phone.

Niles: Maddening!
Frasier: What is it now?
Niles: They have a new moisturizer dispenser in the men's room, and the cream is entirely too oily, so I had to rewash my hands, and wouldn't you know it, that is when the hot-air hand dryer decides to break down!
Frasier: How do you get through the day?

Niles: You know, sometimes I wonder if I'm not just in psychiatry for the money.
Frasier: Oh, I wouldn't say that's true. If it were... oh, forget it.
Niles: What were you going to say?
Frasier: I'd rather not.
Niles: Well, there's no need, I think I know what you were getting at. You've been wanting to ask me this for years: did I marry Maris for the money?
[Frasier nods]
Niles: I resent that! I did not marry Maris for the money. It was just a delightful bonus.

Frasier: [on Maris] So, you really do love her?
Niles: Of course I love her. But it's a different kind of love.
Frasier: You mean it's not human?
Niles: No, no, I mean it doesn't burn with the passion and intensity of a Tristan and Isolde. It's more comfortable, more familiar. Maris and I are old friends. We can spend an afternoon together - me at my jigsaw puzzle, she at her auto-harp - not a word spoken between us and be perfectly content.
Frasier: I'm told it was a lot like that near the end in the Hitler household.

Niles: [on Roz] I don't think she likes me.
Frasier: Niles, it isn't a question of liking or not liking. She despises you.
Niles: Really? Why should I warrant such strong emotions? I barely acknowledge her existence.
Frasier: I think you may be on to something there, Sherlock!

[Frasier comes back from the bathroom]
Niles: Frasier, are you all right? You've been in there forever.
Frasier: Oh, I tried that damn hand cream, it was so oily I couldn't get a grip on the doorknob. I waited to be rescued, finally when some guy came in I said, "Oh God, am I glad to see you." I can't even begin to describe the look he gave me.
[a man walks past Frasier, giving him an indescribable look]
Frasier: There it is!

Daphne: [on Martin] I don't know what's wrong with him. Lately, he's had a face as long as a wet weekend. Yesterday, when I insisted he do his exercises, he told me to put my feet behind my head and spin like a top.
[Niles gets a glazed, dreamy look]
Frasier: Oh well, the best thing to do is just ignore him when he gets sarcastic. Isn't that right, Niles... Niles?
Niles: [snaps back] I'm sorry, Frasier. For some reason I feel a little dizzy.

Frasier: Look, why don't we just change the subject from Dad, and talk about something else.
Niles: Absolutely, pick a new topic. Something light and frothy.
Frasier: I agree... Are you in love with Daphne?
[Niles does a spit-take]
Frasier: That's a little frothier than I had in mind.

Daphne: [Martin has just left in a huff] Well, I guess I better go after him.
Dr. Niles Crane: Oh, here.
[hands her his umbrella]
Dr. Niles Crane: Take my bumbershoot.
Daphne: Oh, isn't that nice, well at least someone appreciates my mother tongue.
[leaves]
Dr. Niles Crane: Yes, I've always had an ear for your tongue.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Niles!

Frasier: I suppose the situation you're in is, you'd like to stay with Maris, but you'd like to have an affair with Daphne.
Niles: Yes. Can I do that?
Frasier: No you can't!

Niles: [on Daphne] Why did you have to hire Venus herself? Couldn't you have found some beefy, East-European scrub woman who reeked of ammonia?
Frasier: Well, I asked, but it was an Olympic year. The agency was fresh out.

Dr. Niles Crane: Frasier, as always I've enjoyed getting together with you for coffee.
Martin: What do you guys talk about all the time?
Dr. Niles Crane: Oh, you know. Sports, chicks, monster truck rallies.
Martin: Okay, don't tell me.


"Frasier: A Mid-Winter Night's Dream (#1.17)" (1994)
Niles: Double Cappuccino, half-caf, not-fat milk, with just enough foam to be aesthetically pleasing but not so much that it leaves a moustache.
Eric: Cinnamon or chocolate on that?
Niles: Oh, they make this so complicated.

Niles: There I was lying in wait, with my little plastic knife clenched between my teeth, when the closet door was flung open and I found myself face to face with the upstairs maid. She began screaming what I gather were some very unflattering things in idiomatic Guatemalan, when Maris stumbled upon the scene and completely misconstrued it. The next thing I knew she ordered me out of the house! I barely had time to grab my pantaloons and buckle my swash.

Niles: I'm just not someone who cries, it's not in my nature. When Maris' uncle Lyle died, I had to shut my hand in the car door just to make a decent showing at the funeral.

Niles: How could she like him? The man has "community college" written all over him!

Daphne: I don't know why I'm being so silly. We weren't together long enough for anything to really happen.
Niles: Sometimes the strongest feelings come from the promise of what might happen. Just the anticipation is just enough to make all the little hairs on your neck stand on end.
[smooths down the hairs on the back of his neck]

Daphne: I feel very close to you.
Niles: I feel very close to you too Daphne. You know it's easy being someone you feel close to when you feel close to someone who's so close.

Niles: The truth is, Maris and I are in a bit of a rut. We seem to have lapsed into this grey, numbing blandness.
Frasier: Well, that's perfectly normal in a relationship of some years. Maybe you should try spicing things up a bit?
Niles: You mean, boudoir wise?
Frasier: For starters, yeah.
Niles: Like how?
Frasier: Well, the two of you could... well, you could... well, it's you and Maris, so you could... I'm stumped.

Niles: Just remember that she can't have shellfish... poultry, red meat, staturated fats, nitrates, wheat, starch, sulfates, MSG or herring. Did I say nuts?
Frasier: Oh, I think that's implied.

Niles: Love is a funny thing, isn't it? Sometimes it's exciting and passionate. Sometimes it's something else. Something... comfortable and familiar. That newly-exfoliated little face staring up at you across the breakfast table... sharing a laugh together when you see someone wearing white after Labor Day.

Daphne: I hope some day some man will feel that way about me.
Niles: Oh, Daphne, don't worry. You are a very special person, and some day a man worthy of you will come along... just as soon as the gods create him.

[Niles shows up at Frasier's house wearing a pirate costume, saying that Maris has kicked him out]
Niles: There's a perfectly reasonably explanation for the way I'm dressed.
Frasier: All right, just keep in mind that I reserve the right to say "stop" at any time.
Niles: Well, my plan was to leave a treasure map downstairs for Maris with clues that would lead her to my whereabouts. Then I'd hide in the linen closet and wait for her to find me.
Martin: Dressed like that?
Niles: Actually no, at the time I was wearing only my eye-patch. Although, technically is it still an eye-patch if you're wearing it on your-?
Frasier: STOP!

[Niles's romantic plans went awry when the maid discovered him waiting in the linen closet, nude]
Niles: I'll never be able to face the maid again.
Martin: I don't think it's your face she'll remember.
[he laughs, Niles glares]
Martin: Oh come on, Niles, everybody has an embarrassing story to tell. Did I ever tell you about the time I got locked outside in the backyard in my underwear?
Niles: Only every Thanksgiving.
Martin: Well, don't worry, I won't be telling that story this year!

Daphne: Dr. Crane...
Niles: Yes, Daphne?
Daphne: We're losing the fire!
Niles: No we're not, it's burning with the heat of a thousand suns!

[Frasier's phone rings, and the answering machine picks up]
Frasier: Hello, this is Dr. Frasier Crane. I'm listening.
[beep]
Niles: Frasier... Frasier? I'm having a little crisis here. Actually a large crisis. It's no time to screen calls... Damn!
[hangs up]


"Frasier: Dinner at Eight (#1.3)" (1993)
Martin: Oh, it's supposed to resist wrinkles. They had one in the display window wadded up inside a mayonnaise jar!
Niles: Frasier, is he our real father?

Niles: [about his father] Outside of our last name and abnormally well-developed calf muscles, we have nothing in common with the man.

Niles: Dad's so set in his ways.
Frasier: Well, we all are, at some point in our lives. Remember when you used to think the 1812 Overture was a great piece of classical music?
Niles: Was I ever that young?

Waitress: Hi, can I get you guys something from the bar?
Frasier: Oh dear God, yes.
Niles: I'll have a Stoli Gibson on the rocks, with three pearl onions.
Frasier: If you bring him two - if you bring him four - he'll send it back.
Waitress: And for you?
Frasier: The same.

Waitress: And now if you're ready, you can claim your steaks.
Niles: Claim our steaks?
Martin: You get to pick the cut you want off the beef trolley!
Frasier: How much extra would I have to pay to get one from the refrigerator?

Niles: I'll, I'd like a, a petit filet mignon, very lean, not so lean that it lacks flavour, but not so fat that it leaves drippings on the plate. And I don't want it cooked - just lightly seared on either side, pink in the middle; not a true pink, but not a mauve either, something in between, bearing in mind the slightest error either way, and it's ruined.

Niles: [their first meeting] Hmm... You're Daphne?
Daphne: Why, yes I am!
Niles: Well, I...
[shakes her hand]
Niles: When Frasier told me he'd hired an Englishwoman, I pictured someone a little more... not quite so... you're Daphne?

Niles: In the middle of dressing for the evening, she suddenly slumped down on the edge of the bed in her half-slip and sighed. Of course, I knew then and there that dinner was not to be.

Niles: Oh, for goodness sake, Frasier! I'm a happily married man! Maris means the world to me. Why, just the other day I kissed her for no reason whatsoever.

Martin: There's nothing like the smell of charbroiled meat.
Niles: This aroma's triggering a sense memory. Something familiar. It's... oh, of course, Maris in her home tanning bed.

Frasier: [as Martin is leaving restaurant in disgust after Frasier's and Niles's insulting remarks] Niles! Say something!
Niles: Dad! The mud pies are coming!

Niles: Say, funny thing happened the other day, uh. One of my patients had a rather amusing Freudian Slip. Uh, he was having dinner with his wife and he meant to say, "Pass the salt," but instead he said, "You've ruined my life you blood-sucking shrew."

Niles: The food is to die for.
Martin: Niles, your country and your family are to die for, food is to eat.


"Frasier: Look Before You Leap (#3.16)" (1996)
Niles: You don't realize how desperate I am. Ever since our separation, I've been paying women to touch me.
Frasier: Oh, Niles...
Niles: Manicurists, pedicurists, facialists. When you see a man who's well-groomed, you can bet he's not getting any.

Frasier: Niles, you know I'm right.
Niles: You just don't want me to have sex because you're not having any!
Frasier: [shaking a finger at him] I most certainly am too!
Niles: Your lips say "yes" but your cuticles speak volumes.

Niles: Oh, and, by the way, thanks so much for the "cold shower" tip.
Frasier: Did it work?
Niles: No, it did not. It's clearly an old wives' tale, because I'm still thinking of my old wife's tail.

Niles: She's cleared her schedule from 7:00 'til 7:30 - that means foreplay *and* cuddling.

[after Niles mentioned his and Maris' tryst]
Martin: You know, Niles, remember when you were a kid and your mother and I wouldn't discuss the Cuban Missile Crisis in front of you because we knew it'd give you bad dreams?
Niles: Yes.
Martin: It's a two-way street.

Frasier: Niles, I don't mind telling you, I'm a little bit concerned about this. Maris claps her hands; you come running?
Niles: Well, don't forget, there's a little something for me in this, too. I haven't had sex in six months.
Frasier: Oh, surely you're exaggerating. You've only been separated for three.
Niles: Your point would be?

Frasier: You really want to sacrifice your self-respect for a roll in the hay?
Niles: Substitute a sixteenth-century giltwood fainting couch for hay and watch me roll.

[Frasier has just persuaded Niles to decline Maris' invitation]
Niles: Oh, you're right. I'll tell her no. It's not going to be easy, though.
Frasier: Of course not. Just don't think about sex.
[from the kitchen, making breakfast]
Daphne Moon: Would you like me to butter your buns for you, Dr. Crane?
Frasier: [Niles's hands rattle, and Frasier grabs them] Grandma in a teddy.
Niles: Thank you.

Niles: Oh, God, I'm using humor to mask sexual frustration; it's high school all over again.

Niles: Well, let's get back to work. I need something to take my mind off the fact that, at this very moment, Maris is slipping out of her frilly under-things and into non-fat milk bath.

[Niles abandons his decision]
Niles: I don't care what you're saying - I'm going to Maris!
Frasier: You will rue the day!
Niles: I don't care! Niles gotta have it!

Niles: When Maris says "get together," she means, "You wear the creme fraiche. I'll lick it off," sense.


"Frasier: Three Dates and a Breakup (#4.19)" (1997)
Frasier: Niles, was that Natalie Spencer I just saw you talking with?
Niles: As a matter of fact it was. I've been admiring her all evening, so I steeled myself and asked her if she might be free next week.
Frasier: And?
Niles: Well, her lips said "no", but her eyes said "read my lips".

Niles: Have you noticed there are fewer hazlenuts in these biscotti?
Frasier: So I'm not crazy.
Niles: And yet they've gone up twenty-five cents.
Frasier: Oh, fewer nuts, more money - something I've been aspiring to for my entire professional life!

Niles: Yes, and I'd love to stay but I... have my therapy group meeting, and last time I was late the, er, compulsive gamblers were betting the passive aggressives that they couldn't make the over-eaters cry.

[Roz enters the Cafe wearing an elegant dress]
Niles: You look like an almost-passable version of someone who works with my brother.
Roz Doyle: Bite me!
Niles: Oh, it is you.

Niles: Well, were you seriously considering playing couple's therapist with Dad and that woman, after we just got rid of her?
Frasier: I have no intention in repairing the rift. God, last night for the first time in months I wasn't jolted awake at two a.m. by her rousing rendition of "Funky Mountain Breakdown"!

Frasier: So, for the second time in two nights Sherry manages to chase away another date! She's like a scarecrow in the cornfield of my love life!
Niles: I don't know how many more of your disastrous love stories I can hear. I'll say "when."

[a bell is heard from the kitchen]
Frasier: Oh, there's my canapés.
Niles: Oh, right. Date number two. I'll be off as well. You can fill me in tomorrow.
Frasier: You'll get a full debriefing - as, hopefully, will I.

Frasier: [answers the door] Niles! I'd offer you a sherry, but I'm fresh out!
[They slam their chests together]
Niles: I can't believe Dad finally came to his senses! Oh, shall we attempt a high-five?
Frasier: Well no, not after what happened last time. Your watchband got caught in my hair.

Niles: I suppose you came over here to gloat because a woman came onto you.
Frasier: Not hardly, I wouldn't do that sort of thing. I came over here to gloat because *two* women came onto me!
Niles: Two?
Frasier: My God, I've never had a night like this in my entire life! I'm a babe magnet, I'm catnip!
Niles: I think I feel a fur ball coming up.

[Niles balks at asking out an attractive woman at a party, while two women have already come onto Frasier]
Frasier: Well Niles, I'll tell you what. Seeing as how Cupid has so amply stocked my quiver this evening, I shall try and shine on your behalf.
Niles: [nearly sick] Oh my God, you're unbearable!


"Frasier: Head Game (#4.5)" (1996)
Frasier: Listen, Niles, I'd like you to do my show for me, for the week I'm gone.
Niles: Me standing in for you? I'm sorry, Frasier. I couldn't presume to fill those big floppy red shoes of yours.
Frasier: Please, please, Niles! Look, I'm begging you! You know, the station wants to replace me with Helen Grogan, better known as Ma Nature. She does a gardening show, and I'm just a little worried that a week of discussing well-rotted manure will weaken my listener base.
Niles: It hasn't yet.

[Niles's counseling has turned around a basketball player's game, making him the toast of Seattle]
Niles: I must admit I find this all a bit mystifying. Do people really care this much about a basketball game?
Roz: Are you kidding? This is Seattle. It rains nine months out of the year. We take our indoor sports very seriously.
Niles: Well, I know you always have!
Roz: [forcing a smile] You're a hero today so I'm going to let that one go.

[Niles's counseling has turned around a basketball player's game, making him the toast of Seattle]
Niles: Suddenly I'm being revered as a god by the same troglodytes who, in junior high school, tried to pack me into my own briefcase. It's glorious.

[Niles gets complimentary basketball tickets]
Niles: Tell me, does one still wear a white sweater jauntily tied around the neck to these things?
Roz: If one wants to get the crap beaten out of one!

[Niles, Martin, and Daphne go to a basketball game]
Martin: Wow. Right on the hardwood, five feet from the baseline.
[Niles chuckles, then turns to Daphne]
Daphne: It's like front row orchestra, stage right.
Martin: Man, we're so close we're gonna get our teeth rattled when they center-pick.
[Niles turns to Daphne]
Daphne: It's like sitting close enough to get hit by Placido Domingo's spit.
[the buzzer goes]
Niles: What the hell was that?
Martin: That's the end of the shooter round. The coach is about to send the starting five in for the tip-off.
[Niles turns to Daphne]
Daphne: The stage manager just called places.

[Niles refuses to sub for Frasier during his vacation]
Frasier: Very well. You leave me no alternative but to call in my marker.
Niles: [nervous] What marker?
Frasier: Oh, I think you know.
Niles: You wouldn't.
Frasier: I would.
Niles: You can't!
Frasier: I will.
Niles: That was three years ago.
Frasier: I don't recall there being any statute of limitations. I distinctly recall that when you asked me to go out with Maris's sister, you said that you would "owe me one forever."
Niles: But you only spent one evening with Brie. That hardly compares with what you're asking me to endure.
Frasier: Oh? Shall I refresh your memory? Midway through the opera her ermine muff began to tremble. As it turned out she had used it to smuggle in her adorably incontinent Chihuahua. Just as I thought we'd reached the low point of the evening I suddenly felt a sandpaper tongue licking my earlobe. Alas it did not belong to little Herv! Fortunately my shriek coincided with the on-stage murder of Gondolfo! Roz will expect you on Monday at two.
Niles: For your information, Brie had a very tough row to hoe growing up. It's not easy going through life with one nostril.
Frasier: Did I mention she had a cold that night?
Niles: ...Monday at two it is.

[while Niles is filling in for Frasier]
Bulldog: Hey, Dr. Doolittle! I heard your show. It didn't suck!
Niles: Ah. "Dear Diary...
Bulldog: So, how's it feel?
Niles: Like I'm walking away from my lamppost, and counting the bills in my garter belt.

Niles: That last piece of sabotage was not amusing.
Roz: [chortling] Then why did milk come out of my nose?

[Niles' hair has secretly become a 'lucky rabbit's foot' to a pro basketball player]
Reggie McLemore: Man, where have you been? I've got to be on the court in five minutes!
[he reaches to rub Niles' head]
Niles: [Niles quickly halts Reggie's hand a moment before Reggie's security guard can see what just happened] Stop! Before you rub your hands all over me, we need to talk.
Reggie McLemore: [the guard gives them both an askance glance] What's up?
Niles: Well, I'll come right to the point. This entire affair has grown out of control. I-I need to end it.
Reggie McLemore: [Pfft] What are you saying? You're not coming down here any more?
Niles: Well... no. We can still see each other - to talk, but no *touching*.
[the guard now furrows his brow]
Niles: That part of our relationship is *over*.
[the guard is now actively glaring at them]
Niles: [to the guard] Does this concern you?
Guard: It's starting to.
[guard walks away]
Reggie McLemore: Aw, come on, Dude.
[Reggie reaches again for Niles' head]
Niles: [Niles quickly halts Reggie's hand mid-air] No! Now listen... Do you really expect me to drop what I'm doing and race down here every day just so you can run your fingers over my head?
Reggie McLemore: [wondering what's the problem] Y-Yeah.
Niles: [Niles briefly gathers his thoughts] Listen to me closely. You are a gifted athlete with tremendous skill. Marshal your talents. Concentrate. Focus. The key to your success is to trust your own God-given ability. It has nothing to do with my head!
Reggie McLemore: [after a long thought] It must be your hair.
Niles: Will you *stop* it? You're obsessing!
[just then the guard re-enters]
Reggie McLemore: [Reggie reaches for Niles] Come on, man. Just let me touch it!
[the guard silently turns and walks away again]
Niles: [Niles realizes what's happened, then refocuses] No!
[Reggie sighs]
Niles: You have to look at this logically. I can't come down here for every game, and I certainly can't go with you when the team is on tour. This is not a long-term solution. What you need is legitimate therapy. If you want to start, come inside. I'll give you a quick session. We can proceed from there.
Reggie McLemore: [ponders] Yeah. You're right, Doc. I mean, what I need is a long-term solution.
Niles: Good!
[Niles quickly walks off for their session]
Reggie McLemore: [Reggie spots a pair of scissors, picks them up and hides them behind his back as he follows after Niles] Coming, Doc.

[Reggie offers Niles a high-five]
Niles: Oh, wait, I saw this. It has steps!


"Frasier: Mother Load: Part 1 (#9.12)" (2002)
Niles: Sometimes I think this is too much space for just one person.
[pause]
Niles: You know...
Daphne: Yes?
Niles: You could live here.
Daphne: Are you asking me?
Niles: Would you like to?
Daphne: Would you like me to?
Niles: Yeah.
Daphne: Then, I will.
Niles: 'Kay.
[pause]
Niles: Wow!
[both begin giggling giddily]

[Roz and Daphne are shocked at how much clothing Niles intends to take to Daphne's]
Niles: Well, uh, I guess I could do without this dressing gown. Oh, but, what if I'm wearing dark pajamas?

Daphne: Where are we supposed to put all this? I cleared out two drawers; this'll fill two closets.
Niles: Well, we said we'd both bring whatever we needed for any eventuality.
Daphne: Isn't there anything you can leave behind?
Niles: I don't see how. I have formal, semi-formal, déshabille, wet weather, cold weather, cloudy. I mean, if there's something here you find excessive, jump right in.

Dr. Frasier Crane: Niles, will you relax? You always make a good first impression.
Niles: Second impression - the first impression, I made when I kidnapped their daughter from her wedding.

[Daphne wants to hide from her mother that she and Niles plan to live together]
Niles: That's ridiculous. We're adults; we're not gonna sneak around like this.
Daphne: Well, it's not forever. Mum's getting on in years, and she smokes like a chimney.

Gertrude Moon: Niles, be a dear and get me a pillow for my head. Oh, and I wouldn't get too settled in; you'll need to take me home soon so I can take my medicine.
Niles: I thought I suggested you bring that with you.
Gertrude Moon: Daphne, dear, aren't you lucky to be dating a man who's always right?

Niles: In the last five days, that woman has made my life a living hell.
Dr. Frasier Crane: You wanna trade? Simon put my sixty-five-dollar apricot skin polish on his muffins!

Daphne: I'm gonna live in your apartment!
Niles: Our apartment.
Daphne: Our apartment. Oh, my, I'm gonna have to practice saying that. "Let's go back to our apartment."
Niles: "Why don't we meet at our apartment?"
Daphne: "Oh, my, our apartment has a gas leak."
Niles: "Oh, no! Our apartment's going to explode!"
Daphne: "Oh, no! There goes our apartment."

Niles: Just to clarify, you're going to stay here but your parents are going to stay with me?
Daphne: I'm so glad you understand.
Niles: [mouthing to Frasier and Martin] What happened?

Simon Moon: Don't cry, mum. I really though this junket to America would cheer you up.
Niles: It still can. Go away.
[Daphne gives Niles a weird look]
Niles: I mean... Get out there, and see the country.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes, that is a splendid idea. This land is rich with snow covered mountains, sun kissed beaches... wild, untamed rivers and a-a warm, loving people ready to embrace you. Immerse yourself in the spectacle and the grandeur that are these United States, this... America.
[an American flag unfurls outside Frasier's window]
Niles: How did you do that?
Dr. Frasier Crane: [Frasier fumes silently and runs to the door] Cam Winston!


"Frasier: Mixed Doubles (#4.6)" (1996)
Niles: Look, I know I don't have your total support in this, but... how shall I put this?
Frasier: You don't care?
Niles: If you could work the phrase "rat's ass" into there, you'd have it.

Frasier: Niles, before you do something rash, you should consider it from all angles.
Niles: I've spent three years considering Daphne from all angles.

Niles: I would have said, "Is this seat taken?" and you would have said "No." You would have said, "My name is Daphne." I would have said, "My name is Niles." And then I would have said, "What are you doing for the rest of your life?"
Daphne: You always know the right thing to say. Oh, I love you Dr Crane.
Niles: And I love you too, Daphne.

[Niles has asked Roz to take him to a singles bar she calls "The Sure Thing."]
Niles: Well, I'm here. I forgot to gargle, I'm wearing mismatched socks, and I'm so nervous, I could wet myself.
Roz Doyle: Well, at least we have your opening line down.
Niles: You're going to have to be patient with me, Roz; this isn't exactly my milieu.
Roz Doyle: Okay, let's make that lesson number one: If you're going to use words like "milieu," you might as well show up here with a sore on your lip and a couple of kids.

Niles: She's fabulous. I know it's only been three dates, but I feel as though I've been rescued. I no longer have to worry about becoming one of those pitiful losers, embittered by a failed marriage, leading a lonely, pathetic life of...
[Frasier glares at Niles]
Niles: ...fulfillment and good times!
Frasier: Shouldn't you make a beeping noise when you back up like that?

Niles: [in Cafe Nervosa, seeing Rodney enter with Adelle] The betrayal! Nobody treats Daphne that way!
Frasier: Niles, be careful. Whatever you do, don't engage him in a physical fight. The whole thing would just look too weird!

Rodney Banks: About my coffee, I neglected to mention that I like my milk steamed - with a dollop of foam such as might give the effect of a cumulus cloud reflected upon a still pond.
Niles: [to Rodney] Consider it done.
[turning to others]
Niles: I want to kill myself!

Daphne: Isn't Rodney just great? You know, I think it was the moment I broke up with Joe that I heard a voice saying, "Daphne, it's time you went for a completely new type of man."
Niles: [Daphne leaves. Niles grabs a spatula] You're a dead man!
[lunges at Frasier and is blocked by Martin]
Frasier: Let's serve our guests their coffee!
[Frasier and Martin carry cups of coffee out to the living room]
Frasier: Here we are, coffee. Milk's on its way; Niles is still steaming.

Niles: The fact is, I'm tired of being lonely, and it makes no sense going on being lonely, when the woman I long for is unattached.
Frasier: Yes. Well, as I said to you the time you tried to jump out of the treehouse with an umbrella: "I suppose you know what you're doing."

Frasier: You do have a wonderful new woman in your life now, don't you?
Niles: Yes, I suppose I do.
Frasier: And Adelle does make you very happy, doesn't she?
Niles: Yes. Yes, she does.
Frasier: Well, then, if you've ever taken any of my advice before, take this: Adelle could very well be the path to your happiness.
[sees Adelle and Rodney kissing behind Niles' back]
Frasier: But let's just say I'm wrong.


"Frasier: You Scratch My Book... (#2.15)" (1995)
[Niles brings Daphne her profit from a stock tip he gave her]
Daphne: You have to help me decide what to do with it.
Niles: Well, you might want to consider letting Wendel re-invest it. That's what I'm doing. It's called "rolling it over."
[Frasier enters]
Daphne: Then I'll do it. Oh, this is so exciting!
Frasier: What's all this?
Daphne: Well, your brother just gave me two hundred dollars, and now he's going to roll me over.
Frasier: Niles?
Niles: [embarrassed] Communications breakdown.
Frasier: Good.

[Niles has been giving Daphne phony stock payoffs to get hugs and kisses from her]
Niles: The first stock really did pay off, but then the rest all tanked. And what was I supposed to do? Tell that poor, working-class Venus I'd lost her life savings? I had to pay her back and if I threw in a little extra, well, where's the harm in that?
Frasier: Niles, you are giving a woman money in order to obtain physical affection! We are talking the world's oldest profession. Granted, this is sort of the Walt Disney version, but still. It's wrong, and I insist you stop it.
Niles: No. It's altruistic, it's noble, it's fun, and you can't make me stop.

Niles: You're dating Dr. Honey Snow? I thought you considered her a complete ninny. What could you possibly see in this...
[Martin holds up Honey's photo on a book jacket]
Niles: WHOA-HO, MAMA!

Niles: Well, I hope you're happy!
Frasier: Snap out of it! What you were doing was completely dishonest.
Niles: Ooh, said the pot to the kettle!
Frasier: What does that mean?
Niles: I think you know what it means.
Frasier: Oh, don't be ridiculous! Our two situations are totally different.
Niles: Oh, really? How so?
Frasier: Well, for one thing, you've been misleading a woman for your own selfish gain.
Niles: And so are you!
Frasier: Well, I'm not finished. She was also trusting you to tell the truth!
Niles: Oh, and the difference would be?
Frasier: Your woman is English!
Niles: Frasier, you've lost this one.
Frasier: I know, I know. It's just going to take a little while to climb down off of this particular high horse.

Niles: Ooh, watching the sport of kings, I see. Which horse did you wager on?
Martin Crane: Joe's Dream, number eight.
Niles: Goodness, he seems to be taking a serene, almost Buddhist approach to the race.

Dr. Honey Snow: Oh, Dr. Niles Crane. I read a wonderful article you wrote in the Journal of Psychiatric Medicine. Let's see... "Gestalt Therapy, Probing the Subconscious."
Niles: Yes, and I believe I read your quiz in Cosmo, "Is Your Guy a Stud or a Dud?"

Frasier: Niles, will you please stop giggling? It's very distracting.
Niles: [reading Honey's manuscript] I can't help it. Have you read this?
Frasier: I'm trying to recommend the book. Reading it doesn't help.

Niles: What are you all dressed up for? Hot date?
Frasier: As a matter of fact, yes.
Niles: With whom?
Martin Crane: Dr. Honey Snow.
Frasier: Did it ever occur to you that I might not want Niles to know who I'm dating?
Martin Crane: Sure it did. Right before I said it.

Daphne: I'm off to the Book Nook. Dr. Snow is signing copies of her new bestseller.
Martin Crane: Hey, wait a minute! You're going out? What about my whirlpool therapy?
Daphne: Oh, right. I forgot. Maybe you could go to the book signing for me, Dr. Crane. It's right around the corner from the station.
Frasier: I would sooner attend a hoedown.
Niles: I would gladly go, but I've got my compulsive spending seminar, and I'm hoping to unload the rest of these raffle tickets.


"Frasier: Are You Being Served? (#4.21)" (1997)
[the doorbell rings]
Frasier: That'll be Niles. I'm taking him to lunch to get his mind off his troubles.
Daphne: Is that something we shouldn't talk about?
Martin: No, there's no reason why we shouldn't talk about it.
Frasier: Dad, I'm sorry, I don't think he's ready to talk about it so we're not talking about it.
Niles: [from behind the door] Would you mind not talking about it a little less loudly?

[Niles is covered in foam]
Daphne: Dr. Crane! Are you all right?
Niles: I'm fine. Just a little hot. And foamy.
Martin: You know what must have happened? My "Hot & Foamy" must have exploded!
Daphne: He was a detective, you know.

Frasier: Now listen. I know you're upset, but let's remember why you left Maris in the first place: you were tired of groveling.
Niles: Yes, but I'm rested now.

Niles: You know, this is sort of exciting. Even as a child I always fancied I might make a first-rate society cat burglar. I think I'm right.
Frasier: Yes. All it takes is stealth, cunning and a key to the door.

[Frasier and Niles are trapped in Maris's mansion by two attack dogs outside]
Niles: One of our old dogs used to be spooked by thunderstorms. The vet told us half of one of Maris's green pills would allow him to sleep safely right through the storm. You get the meat, I'll get the pills.
Frasier: Right...! Wait! What if Maris is out of pills?
[Niles bursts out laughing]
Frasier: [chuckling] Oh, I see.
Niles: Thank you, Frasier, I needed that.

Frasier: Niles, this painting here in the living room, have you always had this?
Niles: The one of Maris and me in the garden? Yes, we had it commissioned on our third anniversary.
Frasier: No, no, it must be a different painting. This is Maris next to a really big tree.
Niles: No, there's no tree in that painting, it's... Oh, my God. She's had me completely painted out! I don't think I can take much more of this.
Frasier: In that case, I wouldn't look too closely at the face of that skunk in the flowerbed.

Niles: Look around. This entire room is a monument to my spinelessness!
Frasier: How so?
Niles: This Dresden Shepherdess? A peace offering I made to Maris when I was foolish enough to point out an extra syllable in a Haiku she'd written. Choose another item. Anything.
Frasier: Oh, that candelabra?
Niles: Louis Quatorze! What better way to apologise for the time I attempted to grow a moustache?
Frasier: I think you owe us all a candelabra for that.

Niles: I can't believe it. It's really over.
Frasier: If you choose you never have to see Maris again.
Niles: Oh, please. Half the time I couldn't see her when she was standing right in front of me.
[they laugh]


"Frasier: Seat of Power (#2.11)" (1994)
Danny Kriezel: Were you the kid who used to carry his gym shorts in an attache case?
Niles: It was a valise.

Niles: When you think about it, our only mistake today was trying to fix that toilet ourselves.
Frasier: Yes, we tampered with the natural order of things.
Niles: But now, order has been restored. By hiring a plumber, that plumber can now afford, say, a Dolly Parton album. Miss Parton can then finance a national tour which will, of course, come to Seattle, allowing some local promoter to make enough money to send his cross-dressing teenaged son to us for $150- an-hour therapy.
Frasier: [raises his glass] To the circle of life.

Niles: I'd recognize him anywhere. He bullied me throughout my entire childhood!
Frasier: He certainly didn't recognize you just now.
Niles: Well, perhaps that was because he wasn't sticking my head down a toilet and FLUSHING IT! That was his trademark. He called it... a swirly.

Frasier: You know the expression, "Living well is the best revenge"?
Niles: It's a wonderful expression. I just don't know how true it is. You don't see it turning up in a lot of opera plots. "Ludwig, maddened by the poisoning of his entire family, wreaks vengeance on Gunther in the third act by living well."
Frasier: All right, Niles.
Niles: "Whereupon Woton, upon discovering his deception, wreaks vengeance on Gunther in the third act again by living even better than the Duke."
Frasier: Oh, all right!

Niles: So then it's possible these acts of aggression were misplaced outbursts aimed at your father.
Danny Kriezel: [crying] Yes!
Niles: He was the real bully, wasn't he?
Danny Kriezel: Oh, yes!
Niles: Let it out, Danny, let it out!
Danny Kriezel: Nothing I ever did was good enough for him! I am so sorry that I picked on you, man. I just wanted to be good at something, and I was good at that.
Niles: [puts his hand on Danny's shoulder] You were the best.

[Niles paces back and forth on Frasier's balcony, swatting Frasier's ficus plant every time he passes it]
Daphne Moon: What's Dr. Crane doing?
Frasier: He's a little frustrated because I wouldn't let him do something. He's taking his anger out on my ficus.
Daphne Moon: I've never seen him so angry, he's like a madman.
[Niles starts waving his arms around like a madman. Frasier lets him in]
Niles: Good Lord! There's a bee out there the size of a wood finch!

Frasier: Niles, I have to be honest. I'm a little disappointed in you. Were you actually going to stick another human being's head into a toilet?
Niles: [trying to open a bottle of water] You don't seem to understand, I feel this *rage*! It's as if this *beast* has been awakened within me!
[hands the bottle to Frasier]
Niles: Could you get that for me?

Frasier: I can't go in there and talk to him. If the coward turns his back on me, I'll attack him again.
Niles: No, you won't. You're not a child anymore.
[taking Niles by the hand]
Niles: Now come with me, I'm taking you to the bathroom!


"Frasier: Our Father Whose Art Ain't Heaven (#4.8)" (1996)
Niles: [about Maris] She's already flown in a sculpter from Sweden to capture her likeness in ice.
Frasier: Ah, the perfect marriage of subject and medium!

Niles: [about Maris] She's pushed me around long enough. Metaphorically of course. In reality she can hardly push at all. Like that terrible afternoon last spring she spent trapped in the revolving doors at Bergdorf's!

Niles: Thanks to Maris, I'm down to three confirmed guests.
Frasier: Three? Yesterday it was twelve.
Niles: She's circulating a vicious rumour that I'm going to have a karaoke machine.

Niles: Frasier, I no longer require your punch bowl, but may I borrow your blow dryer?
Frasier: Yes, why?
Niles: Sven just finished Maris' ice sculpture, and she's convinced she looks a bit "hippy."

Frasier: Honestly, Niles, by calling her so many times you've given her all the power. You're much better off coming from a position of strength.
Niles: Don't pour that sherry on your shirt - it will stain.
Frasier: What?
Niles: Oh, I'm sorry. I thought this was the portion of the afternoon where we gave each other patently obvious advice.

Frasier: You know, Niles, for a separated couple still hoping to reconcile, I'm afraid you're going down a path that ...
Niles: You shouldn't wear that tie with that jacket!
Frasier: Oh, I see. Is that your clever way of telling me that I'm dispensing unwanted criticism?
Niles: That, too.

Niles: You know that party I'm throwing for my country club friends?
Frasier: Oh, yes: the one I wasn't invited to, but my Waterford punch bowl was.

Niles: [on the telephone] Oh, how dreadful.... You poor thing!... No, of course I understand. The important thing is that you get better. You are a dear for calling...
[hangs up]
Niles: ... you lying, two-faced cow!
Frasier: So, she's not really sick?
Niles: Oh, hardly. Maris is luring away all my confirmed guests. Suddenly, there are accidents, deaths in the family - a wave of misfortune is sweeping through society's blue bloods at a rate unprecedented since the French Revolution!


"Frasier: The Crucible (#1.6)" (1993)
Frasier: God, I hate lawyers.
Niles: Me too. But they make wonderful patients: they have excellent health insurance and they never get better.

Frasier: By the way, where's Maris? I haven't seen her all night.
Niles: She's on your bed.
Frasier: My bed?
Niles: Yes, she's asleep under the guests' coats. She exhausts easily under the pressure to be interesting.

[after Niles tells Frasier that Maris is asleep on his bed, under the coats]
Daphne Moon: Dr. Crane, were you sniffing my hair?
Niles: Why would I do a thing like that? I'm a happily married man. I love my Maris.
Guest: Where should I put this coat?
Niles: Just throw it on the bed.

[Niles and Daphne emerge from Frasier's bedroom, both are disheveled and appear to be straightening their clothes]
Frasier: What were you two doing back there?
Niles: Maris lost her earring at the party last night. Daphne was good enough to crawl under the bed to look for it while I...
Frasier: Yeeeess?
Niles: Searched the credenza!

Frasier: Niles, what is the name of that really vicious lawyer that you use?
Niles: Which one, the one I used to sue the contractor or the one I used to sue the personal trainer?
Frasier: Well, the meanest.
Niles: Uh, that would be the second one. I used him to sue the first one.

[Frasier prepares to toss a brick through the wall of a dishonest gallery owner, but Niles stops him]
Niles: Frasier, just give me the brick and no one will get hurt.
Frasier: Why don't you just go away? This is no concern of yours.
Niles: Yes, it is.
Frasier: How?
Niles: Remember that day in junior high school when somebody took all my clothes while I was in the shower, right after gym class? They hung them from the goalpost on the football field. I had no choice but to get a ladder and climb up there wearing nothing but a towel, wet and shivering. Then the towel fell off! There I was, your little brother, hanging naked from a goal post, and everyone was standing around laughing, and all Coach Medwick would do was stand there going...
[makes the arm signal for "field goal!"]
Niles: Whatever that means!

Frasier: Niles, why are you telling me this?
Niles: Because... I was so humiliated, I went home, I cried my eyes out, I swore I would get even. I was just about to put sugar into Coach Medwick's gas tank... and you stopped me. Remember what you said? "If you act like a barbarian, you will become a barbarian."
Frasier: I said that?
Niles: Yes. Well, actually you were more verbose at the time. I had to listen, you were sitting on my chest.

Frasier: Well, Niles, if you were strong enough to show restraint after so much humiliation, not to mention the nicknames.
Niles: Nicknames... there were nicknames?
Frasier: Oh, you didn't know that? Oh dear God, yes. Uh, "Peachfuzz,"..."Jingle Bells"... I can't remember the rest.
Niles: "Peachfuzz"?
Frasier: Yes, I believe Coach Medwick made that one up himself.
[hands Niles the brick]
Frasier: Well, anyway, here you are. I won't be needing this anymore.
Niles: I'm proud of you.
[Frasier heads towards the car, but Niles cocks his arm and hurls the brick through the gallery window, shattering it with a loud crash. As the alarm sounds, Niles throws his arms up in another "field goal!" signal]
Frasier: My God, Niles! What are you, what have you done?
Niles: I've struck a blow for justice! Nobody calls me "Peachfuzz." Now let's get the hell out of here!


"Frasier: Daphne's Room (#2.17)" (1995)
Martin: Aw geez, the disposal's jammed. Yeah, stick your hand down there and see what's stuck, will ya?
Niles: Dad, it's me. Niles.

Martin: I can't get my hand in there.
Niles: Oh, all right, punish a man for being fine-boned. Are you sure it's off?
Martin: Positive.
[reaches towards the switch to demonstrate]
Niles: Ah-ah-ah! Move-away-from-the-switch!
Martin: Jeez.
[does so]
Niles: [sticking his hand in] Oh-ho, it's wet and slimy and God knows what, it's like sticking my hand into the mouth of hell...
[Frasier starts the coffee grinder, creating a high-pitched buzzing noise]
Niles: YAAH!
[Niles's hand shoots out of the garbage disposal and he falls back, knocking over Frasier's silver coffee service and falling onto the floor]

Niles: It wasn't as bad as all that. It's not like you saw her naked or something.
[No answer from Frasier]
Niles: YOU DID!

Niles: [Frasier has seen Daphne naked] Frasier I want to help you with this, so you have to tell me everything, every sight, every sound, unburden yourself before you explode!
Frasier: No!
Niles: [getting out a pencil and paper] All right, I'll show you how I've always imagined her and you tell me where I'm wrong.

Niles: Dad, I have never seen Maris this angry. I swear, her eye was twitching like a frog in a science experiment.
Martin: Well, when your mother'd get mad at me, I'd just grab her, bend her backwards, and give her a kiss that made her glad she was a woman!
Niles: I can't do that with Maris; she has an abnormally rigid vertebrae; she'd snap like a twig!
Frasier: Let me guess: Maris has moved into the east wing again?
Niles: Sunday was her 40th birthday. She said in no uncertain terms she wanted no acknowledgement of it whatsoever, and, in a moment I live over and over in my dreams, I believed her.
Frasier: What - no gifts? No party? No nothing?
Niles: Say that weeping into an ermine lap robe and you've got her down perfectly.
Martin: Why don't you just get her a nice bottle of perfume?
Niles: She gets hives.
Martin: How about candy?
Niles: Hypoglycaemic.
Martin: Just get her a dozen roses.
Niles: Allergic.
Frasier: Well listen Niles, why don't you just sit her down and have a little talk with her; tell it was a mistake. We all know she's a bit touchy about her age, even though it's not the first time she's turned forty.

Niles: I know! I'll throw a great big party for her this weekend! It'll be a costume ball, with a Louis Quatorze theme, right down to the powdered wigs and the crushed velvet pantaloons! May I presume you're both coming down with colds?
[Martin and Frasier both cough loudly]
Niles: And so it goes.

Frasier: Maris was upset with Niles so he bought her a Mercedes.
Roz: Woof!
Frasier: And if you're suggesting that I buy my way out of my problem, the answer is no! It's the coward's way out!
Niles: Oh, so I'm a coward?
Frasier: Yes!
Niles: Well, I'm a coward with a hickey!
Roz: Buy me a Mercedes and I'll make your neck look like a relief map of the Andes.

Niles: [on the phone] Nadia, you tell Mrs. Crane that I want to speak with her, and don't take no for an answer!
[pause]
Niles: Well then, Nadia, you tell her that Dr. Crane says...
[ducks his head down and lowers his voice]
Niles: Please please please please please please!


"Frasier: The Good Son (#1.1)" (1993)
Niles: I thought you liked my Maris.
Frasier: I do. I like her from a distance. You know, the way you like the sun. Maris is like the sun. Except without the warmth.

Frasier: You're a psychiatrist, you know what it's like to listen to people prattling on endlessly about their mundane lives.
Niles: Touche. And on that subject, I heard your show today.

Niles: [as personality differences between Frasier and Martin are becoming more apparent] Now that you two are settled in, I have to run. I'm late for my "Dysfunctional Family" seminar.

[Frasier and Niles are looking through brochures for rest homes for Martin, and Niles is trying to talk Frasier into taking him in]
Niles: Golden Acres. We care, so you don't have to.
Frasier: It says that?
Niles: Well, it might as well.

Niles: So I said to the gardener: Yoshi. I do not want a Zen garden in my backyard. If I want to rake gravel every 10 minutes to maintain my inner harmony I'll move to Yokohama.
Niles: Well this offends him, so he starts pulling up Maris's prized Camellia's by the handful. Well, I couldn't stand for that, so, I marched right in the morning room and locked the door till he cooled down.

Niles: You're a good son, Frasier.
[frustrated]
Frasier: Oh, God, I am, aren't I?

Frasier: Have you ever had an unexpressed thought?
Niles: I'm having one now.


"Frasier: Moon Dance (#3.13)" (1996)
Martin: You think I don't see the way you look at Daphne?
Niles: What are you implying?
Martin: You know damn well what I'm implying. Take my word for it - you're sticking a fork in a toaster.
Niles: Well, my muffin's stuck!

Niles: Just for tonight, could you call me Niles?
Daphne: When I was in school, I knew a boy named Niles, and I called him Niley.
Niles: Just for tonight, could you call me Niles?

Daphne: Our bodies must be in continuous contact, with not a sliver of daylight between us.
Niles: I can do that.

Daphne: Don't think, just feel. You're an Argentine slum dweller. You have no house, no car. You don't know where your next meal is coming from. But none of that matters, because tonight
[music flourish]
Daphne: we have the Tango.
Niles: Oh mama, I've got it all!

Daphne: Let it out, let it all out!
Niles: Oh Daphne... I ADORE YOU!
Daphne: And I adore you too!
Niles: WHAT?

Daphne: I knew you were a good dancer, but I had no idea you were such a good actor!
Niles: Actor...?
Daphne: 'Daphne, you're a goddess. Daphne, I adore you.' We fooled everyone, didn't we?
Niles: We certainly did.
[finally realizing that Daphne's display of affection for him was an act]

Lacey Lloyd: [with husband] If there's anything we can do to cheer you up, just let us know.
Niles: [aside] Perhaps a murder-suicide pact.


"Frasier: Breaking the Ice (#2.20)" (1995)
Frasier: You know that Maris loves you, right? But it's still nice to hear it.
Niles: I imagine it would be, but let's stick to attainable goals.

Niles: Call me Ishmael.

Frasier: Niles, do you mind if I ask you a personal question? What the hell are you doing here?
Niles: What do you mean?
Frasier: You know, this whole "Sergeant Niles of the Yukon" act. I mean, come on, it can't be all to impress Daphne.
Niles: It's not an act!
Frasier: Niles, in twenty years, I've never heard you comment on fish except to say that the sauce had separated.

Martin Crane: Frasier... I love you. Niles... I love you.
Frasier: Thanks, Dad. I love you, too.
Niles: And I love you, too.
[silence]
Niles: But I *hate* ice fishing!
Martin Crane: Well, it's the last time you'll have to come out and do that.
Niles: Oh, in that case I *really* love you!

Niles: That was amazing! I've never felt so in touch with nature.
Martin Crane: What happened?
Niles: For the first time in my life, I just urinated outdoors! Another cup of coffee, I'll go back and dot the "i".

Daphne Moon: Don't you ever clean that thing out?
Martin Crane: No, it's bad luck. Everybody knows that. You show up on a fishing trip with a tackle box that doesn't smell like the most rancid, rotten thing on the face of the earth, then nobody will sit by you.
Frasier: [entering the apartment with Niles] Yes, Niles, I used to have the same problem with my multiple personality patients. They always kept saying that the other one had sent the check.
Niles: [sniffing] What an odd combination of odors. It smells like a fish died and all the other fish sent flowers.

Niles: I can't figure it out. How could a fish be so dumb as to put his mouth around...
[Niles sticks a finger into Martin's tackle box]
Niles: Ow!


"Frasier: A Word to the Wiseguy (#3.15)" (1996)
Dr. Niles Crane: [on Maris] She drove up on the sidewalk, and when the police ran her name through the computer, they found quite a little backlog of unpaid parking tickets.
Dr. Frasier Crane: What else would you expect from a woman who thinks her chocolate allergy entitles her to park in a handicapped space?

Dr. Niles Crane: I heard you on the radio today, I thought what you did was noble.
[pause]
Dr. Niles Crane: To what South American nation will you be fleeing?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, like I'd tell you. One minute of interrogation and you would crack like a Jordan almond!

Dr. Niles Crane: You see, last week, my lady got on the wrong side of Larry Law, and since then, certain, shall you say, complications have arisen. And now things are hot, hot, hot. And we hear you're the man to turn on the air conditionin'.
Jerome Belasco: I sense you're a film buff, Dr. Crane.

Dr. Niles Crane: Alright, fine. If you won't help me, I'll just have to help myself. I'm going down to that precinct house, and I'm not leaving until I get justice. Well, not exactly justice, I suppose, more like preferential treatment, but I'm not leaving 'til I get it!

Roz Doyle: You know, I was once involved with a guy who got into trouble with the cops...
Dr. Niles Crane: Notice the complete absence of gasps following that statement.

Roz Doyle: [gives Niles a card] Here you go, Jerome Belasco.
Dr. Niles Crane: Oh Roz, you are an angel of mercy. How can I repay you?
Roz Doyle: The next time you have a smart remark about my sex life, or what I'm wearing, you just keep it to yourself.
Dr. Niles Crane: [looks her up and down] Consider it done.
[she snatches the card back]

Dr. Niles Crane: [enters] Frasier, I feel as if I'm being sucked into a vortex of rage and despair!
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, right back atcha!


"Frasier: Frasier Grinch (#3.9)" (1995)
Niles: [Frasier's gift for Freddie got lost in the mail] The Cranes of Maine have got your Living Brain!

Frasier: [opens a package] Dad, I'm sorry, if Frederick's anything like me, the kind of toys he'll like to play with are...
[looks in the box]
Frasier: A kitchen set, a dollhouse and three kinds of Barbies! This is for a Franklin Crane from Kenibunkport. God, you realize what this means?
Niles: [deadpan] Yes. The Cranes of Maine have got your Living Brain.

Niles: Well, how about that woman near the cosmetics counter who tried to mace me?
Frasier: That was a cologne sample, Niles!

Niles: [on Maris] I called this morning to arrange the delivery of her Christmas gift, and she said the only gift she'd accept from me was an abject apology.
Frasier: Going to cave into her, aren't you?
Niles: Au contraire. I told her I was not about to apologise, and from that point on, the respect in her voice came through loud and clear. No small feat, considering at the time she was speaking at the time through the hole in her massage table.

Waitress: I'm sorry sir, your card didn't clear. I have to do this.
[cuts up Niles's credit card]
Niles: Wait, wait! What are you doing?
Waitress: The computer said "credit cancelled by order of co-signatory."
Frasier: Maris has cancelled your credit card.
Roz Doyle: Whoa, Merry Christmas!
Waitress: Would you care to use a different one?
Niles: There's no point, they're all in her name.
[dials his cell phone]
Niles: I'm calling her right now and demanding the restoration of my credit card, and my bank accounts...
[realizes the phone is dead]
Niles: And my phone service!

Frasier: So, Niles, did you have a discussion with Maris?
Niles: No, but I had an epiphany! I realised, cutting off my funds is Maris's way of saying, "I love you!"
[Frasier just stares at him]
Niles: She always uses money to get what she wants; ergo, this is proof she wants *me* back! What do you think?
[the robot Santa says "Ho Ho Ho!"]
Frasier: I think Santa's said it all for us.

Niles: [Upon seeing Eddie dressed up as Santa] Dad, you have to get out more. You've started doing "old lady" things.


"Frasier: Secret Admirer (#6.6)" (1998)
Niles: [about Maris] What is wrong with that woman?
Martin: Why don't you start, Frasier? I'll jump in when you get hoarse.

Martin: Hey guys.
Niles: Hey there.
Daphne Moon: So, who won the squash game?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh Daphne, it's not about winning or losing, its about the thrill of competition.
Martin: Congratulations Niles.

Dr. Frasier Crane: How did things go with Maris?
Niles: I wish I knew. I returned the gifts and told her there was no chance of reconciliation. She didn't get mad. In fact, she was eerily calm. She just stood there with a blank stare on her face, rubbing her ocelot.
Martin: You know, they got a cream for that.

Niles: Oh, Frasier, why did I go over there? Why didn't I listen to you?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Why didn't I listen to you? If I had I'd be sitting with Nancy right now, sipping wine in front of the fire.
Niles: I'll be stripped clean and devoured like an animal!
Dr. Frasier Crane: And I WON'T be!

[Niles realizes that the expensive gifts in Frasier's bag are meant for him]
Niles: [excited] You don't suppose it's Daphne?
Martin: [sarcastic] Yeah, she took that second job washing that old Mrs. Lumpkin's hair just so she could give you Cartier. Besides, the note said it's someone you've been with.
Niles: Hmm... there's been so few women since Maris. So few women before Maris. Hence there was Maris.

[Niles gets bad news from Maris]
Niles: I don't believe it! I thought I made myself perfectly clear. What is wrong with that woman?
Martin: Why don't you start, Fras? I'll jump in when you get hoarse.

[Niles opens a box and pulls shredded paper aside. There is a small ring box which he opens. The only thing inside is a coin. He picks up the card and reads... ]
Niles: Roses are red, your heart is fickle. When I'm through with you... all you'll have left is this nickel.
Martin: Oh, no.
Niles: Oh, God... she's going to ruin me.
Dr. Frasier Crane: No, no, Niles, maybe she's bluffing. You know, once she's signed the financial settlement...
Niles: [picking up the paper] She's not bluffing. This IS the financial settlement.


"Frasier: Hot Pursuit (#7.18)" (2000)
Niles: How was Boston?
Frasier: Oh, it was fine. It was great seeing Freddie again. Of course, Lilith was insufferable. She's got a new boyfriend, some twenty-eight year old named Marcel, he's a contortionist with the Cirque du Soleil.
Niles: She's dating French circus folk?
Frasier: Yes. Well, he's actually perfect for Lilith: he has no apparent spine and she can wrap him around her finger.

Donny Douglas: Where's Daphne? I got this little gift for her.
Niles: Oh, a John Deere cap. How... could you?
Donny Douglas: Oh, no, I'm just giving it to her to see her pretend to like it. Then I'm gonna give her a bracelet.

[Donny has a divorce case in which a dumpster tycoon is cheating]
Niles: That is so depressing. You expect this sort of behavior from a mattress king, but we ask more of our dumpster royalty.

Niles: Belltown is sort of a sketchy neighborhood, wouldn't you say?
Martin: Oh, Niles, to you a sketchy neighborhood is when the cheese shop doesn't have valet parking.

Martin: What's this?
Niles: Clam chowder. I remember Mom used to make it for you when you went ice-fishing, and I hated the thought of you sitting out here cold and hungry.
[Martin opens the Thermos]
Martin: This is clam chowder.
Niles: Well, what'd you expect?
Martin: Irish whisky. Your mother always filled it with coffee and Irish whisky. We just called it clam chowder in front of you kids.
Niles: Is that why you got so mad that day I crumbled oyster crackers in your Thermos?

Niles: You know, speaking as a psychiatrist...
Martin: Oh, boy, open up a window.

Niles: Hello, Daphne. Is Dad around?
Daphne: Actually, he's gone off with Donny. They went to a tractor pull.
Niles: Ohhh...
[Looks questioningly at Daphne]
Daphne: As I understand it, they attach a large weight to a tractor and see how far they can pull it through the mud.
Niles: Ohhh...
[Looks questioningly at her again]
Daphne: The answer to your next question is "beats the hell out of me."


"Frasier: Flour Child (#2.4)" (1994)
Niles: Oh the feedings every two hours. Constant monitoring where he is, I can see how parents can be obsessed with worry. Last night, I actually had a dream my flour sack was abducted and the kidnapper started sending me muffins in the mail.

[Niles considers carrying around a sack of flour to practice for fatherhood]
Niles: Extra-refined. It's taking after its old man already.
Frasier: No Niles, that's the sugar. If we're going to do this, we're going to do it right. Now, here is the flour.
[reading from the label]
Frasier: Bleached, 100% fat free, best when kept in an air-tight container. It seems this one is taking after its mother.

Martin: [Niles walks into the apartment carrying flour bag in his hands] What are you doing with that thing?
Niles: I am forging a parent-child bond that will last forever.
Martin: Oh that's a relief, I was afraid it might be something stupid.

[Niles is using a bag of flower as a baby in a parenthood exercise]
Niles: Turn him over if he starts fussing, will you, dad?
Martin: No.
Niles: I'm roleplaying, dad.
Martin: Try playing the role of a sane person.

Arlene: [in labor] Ahh! It really hurts!
Niles: That's okay. It's natural.
Arlene: No, you're squeezing my hand!
Frasier: Oh, just get a hold of yourself, Niles!
Niles: I'm sorry! I only did this once before, in medical school, and all I remember is a bright light and lots of blood and then a linoleum floor hurtling towards my forehead.
Arlene: You fainted?
Niles: Oh, switch places with me, honey, and see how you do!

Frasier: You know, my particular area of medicine is psychiatry. I like to specialize in the head, you know, not the lower portions of the body. It's much less messy that way. Not that your lower portion is messy at all. It's quite beautiful, actually... not that I'm looking!
[Arlene screams in pain]
Frasier: Is the pain that bad?
Arlene: No, you're driving me crazy!
Niles: Don't drive her crazy.
Frasier: Oh, shut up!
Martin: [climbing out of the backseat and pulling Frasier out of the front] Move it out of there! Come on!
Frasier: All right, dad! All right! Just hurry up.
Arlene: What, are you a doctor, too?
Martin: No. I'm a retired cop.
Arlene: Well, what took you so long? Oh! It's really hurting!
Martin: I know. Look, everything's gonna be just fine, sweetheart. Now, I've delivered more than a... a few babies in my lifetime, and some of them are even older than you are now. Now, Frasier is gonna hold your hand and help you with your breathing, and Niles is gonna look out for an ambulance, and I'm gonna get ready to bring your beautiful baby into this world, okay?
Arlene: Okay.
Martin: Good. Now, are there any questions?
Niles: Yes. Should our meter still be running?

Daphne: So I guess you've had some excitement tonight.
Niles: [quickly] No, I haven't.
Daphne: Well, your father sure made it sound exciting on the phone... delivering a baby in a taxi.
Niles: Oh, that. I don't think of that as excitement as much as my sworn duty to use those skills I honed in medical school.
Frasier: Yes, Niles ran down to a falafel stand for a pot of hot water.
Martin: What I can't get over is that feeling of being there right when a person's life begins. One minute, it's just this blob in some lady's stomach. Next minute, it's a person. Blob...
[snaps his fingers]
Martin: ...person.
Frasier: The miracle of birth summed up in one poetic phrase.


"Frasier: Where There's Smoke, There's Fired (#3.21)" (1996)
[about Frasier's agent]
Niles: You're still consorting with that barracuda?
Frasier: Well, a barracuda is what you want in an agent, Niles. Well, it's just that the station's been sold, I was hoping she might have some scuttlebutt on the new owner. I must admit she's rather hard to get a hold of these days.
Niles: Oh really? I thought one just drew a pentagram on the floor and chanted "I summon thee" three times.

Bebe: Until today, I had no idea what a brilliant therapist your brother is. He has tunneled his way into the very depths of my psyche.
Niles: Well, let's hope he sent a canary down first.

Daphne: Who's staying all weekend?
Niles: Bebe Glazer.
Martin: [worried] Here?
Martin: [worried] What does she have to stay here for?
Frasier: She's trying to quit smoking.
Martin: [sarcastic] Oh great, that means she'll be extra lovable.

Bebe: After dinner is the time I need a cigarette most. As long as I don't stop eating, I'll be fine.
Frasier: This is very good, Bebe. You're already identifying those moments that trigger your worst cravings.
Bebe: [sarcastic] Yeah, yeah!
Frasier: No, really, perhaps it would help to know that you're not alone. Dad is an ex-smoker; Dad, can you tell us about when you crave a cigarette most?
Martin: Ah, when I had insomnia. I'd get up, pour a glass full of Bourbon, light a cigarette, next thing you know, I couldn't keep my eyes open. Nothing relaxes you like a cigarette. Of course, it gives you a hell of a headache in the morning.
Daphne: Well, I smoked for years but I never became addicted. To this day, I can buy a pack, have a cig or two, toss them in a drawer and not crave another for months.
Bebe: You know there's a word for people who can do that... what is it? Oh yes - bitch!
Niles: There's no need to be insulting just because you're wrestling with an unhealthy and disgusting habit.
Bebe: It isn't disgusting; it's wonderful!
Frasier: What is so wonderful about smoking?
Bebe: Everything! I like the way a fresh firm pack feels in my hand. I like peeling away that little piece of cellophane and seeing it twinkle in the light. I like coaxing that first sweet cylinder out of its hiding place and bringing it slowly up to my lips. Striking a match, watching it burst into a perfect little flame and knowing that soon that flame will be inside me!
[Begins displaying innuendo]
Bebe: I love the first puff, pulling it into my lungs... little fingers of smoking filling me, caressing me, feeling that warmth penetrate deeper and deeper until I think I'm going to burst!
[Frasier raises his eyebrow]
Bebe: Then 'woosh!'... watching it flow out of me in a lovely sinuous cloud, no two ever quite the same!
Daphne: [Visibly aroused, as are the others] More potatoes, anyone?

[Niles is clipping coupons]
Roz: [surprised] You're clipping coupons?
Niles: [proudly] I'm economizing.
Roz: Oh well it's about time, you spend money like a drunken sailor.
Niles: She said, authoritatively.

[Discussing with Bebe her imminent marriage to a media tycoon]
Niles: Marrying money can have its perils. Ten or fifteen years down the line, after you've adapted to a lifestyle now totally beyond your means, you can find yourself cast aside, a hollow husk, penniless and crushed.
Frasier: Niles, Big Willy's eighty five; he's on his third pacemaker.
Niles: Ah! Mazel tov.

Bebe: [Bebe is smoking in the kitchen. When she hears Frasier and Niles coming, she puts out her cigarette and drops it into her purse] I'm sorry I can't stay and help you with your paper, Niles, wedding preparations and all. But I'll remember those helpful hints. It's exercise, gum, and lots of water.
[blue smoke is wafting out of her purse]
Niles: Water should come in handy for putting out those pesky purse fires.


"Frasier: The Innkeepers (#2.23)" (1995)
Frasier: All right, stop it! Get a grip. You're not being asked to do anything that none of us hasn't done before in our own kitchens in our own homes! Now quick, Niles, kill five eels!
Niles: Wait, wait! What?
Frasier: I'm serious! Every restaurant critic in Seattle is out there and they all want anguille, so start killing eels!
Niles: Wait, wait. How do you suggest I do that?
Frasier: How do I know? You're the chef. Throw a toaster in the damn tank for all I care!

Frasier: Oh, by the way, Niles, guess what thriving Seattle nightspot is closing its doors.
Niles: Roz, you're moving?
[Roz takes Niles' vintage book and licks the cover]

Frasier: Niles, how are those eels coming along?
Niles: I'm just trimming them now.
[hacks into the aquarium with a cleaver]
Frasier: Oh, no, Niles! Take them out of the tank!
Niles: Not until I'm sure they're dead!

Niles: How much firepower do you suppose is necessary to imbed a cherry in an acoustic ceiling tile?
Frasier: Another question we should have asked ourselves before we entered the exciting world of food service.

Roz Doyle: Okay, table four wants to make some changes: they want the Sole Veronica without the grapes,
[Daphne begins flicking off the grapes]
Roz Doyle: spinach instead of broccoli and risotto instead of pasta. They also want the swordfish but hold the capers.
Daphne Moon: Oh, for heaven's sakes, can't you just tell them no substitutions?
Roz Doyle: I have trouble saying no.
Niles: So the guidebooks tell us.
Roz Doyle: You want to get thrown in the tank with the rest of the eels?
Daphne Moon: Well, you're not making this very easy. You waltz in here, queen of the waitresses, la-di-da, extra broccoli, hold the capers, and then you go back out on the fun side of the door.
Roz Doyle: You want to trade places with me, Mary Poppins? Be my guest!

[trying to decide on a name for their restaurant]
Niles: Oh! What's the word for "lighthearted" in French?
Frasier: There isn't one.

Frasier: We'll make the place very, very exclusive! No sign on the outside, no advertisements and oh, an unlisted number!
Martin Crane: Hey, well don't stop there! Maybe you could post some guards on the roof who can shoot people as they try to get in.
[Daphne laughs]
Frasier: Never mind him. I believe, Niles. Do you believe?
Niles: I believe!
Otto: Have you decided what you'd like?
Frasier: Yes. I'd like the whole damn place... right from the wine cellar to the rafters!
Otto: [long pause] And for the lady?


"Frasier: The Two Mrs. Cranes (#4.1)" (1996)
[Martin needs a ride to his army reunion]
Martin: Come on, they're great guys. Stinky, Wolfman, Boom-Boom, Jim. Of course his name's not really Jim, we just call him that because he likes to drink Jim Beam. Just like we call Hank "Bud," because he drinks Budweiser. Come on, you'd love these guys!
Niles: We're sherry drinkers, Dad. Think about it!

Clive: Daphne, I noticed in the phone book, your surname still is Moon.
Niles: That must be an old book. Now she hyphenates. It's Moon-Crane.
Martin: I remember the first time I ever drove a moon crane. I nearly rolled it into the Sea of Tranquility.

Daphne: I didn't mean to put you in an awkward position.
Niles: When it comes to you, no position is too awkward.

Clive: There comes a time in a man's life when he's gotta look a woman straight in the eye and say...
Niles: Cheese nips?

Daphne: [referring to Clive] Oh, we were mad for each other. He was very sweet and had the most gorgeous eyes you ever saw.
Niles: But...
Daphne: Oh yes, that, too.

Martin: What the hell is going on here?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Clive is Daphne's old boyfriend. She's trying to let him down easily by pretending to be married to Niles.
Niles: This is *my* place. Frasier's staying here temporarily because he's separated from Maris.
Martin: [to Frasier] You couldn't stand her either, huh?


"Frasier: Frasier Loves Roz (#3.22)" (1996)
Niles: I just spotted someone. It's my least favorite patient. The man's a compulsive womaniser. He goes through so many women, he calls them all by the same odious nickname, "Sunshine," to avoid slip-ups.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, God.
Niles: Frasier, what do you do when you don't like a patient?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, it's a tricky subject, isn't it? How long have you been seeing him?
Niles: Six months. We've made no progress whatsover. Sometimes I feel he comes in not so much for help as to brag. He claims to have been with, at last count, one hundred and fifty women!
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh puh-leeze. A hundred and fifty...
Niles: As if anything over, say... seven weren't absurd.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, I would say eleven, but I get your point.

Martin: [recording his memoirs] My name's Martin Crane. When I made this tape, I was sixty-four years old. But now... I'm *dead*! Trapped in a box, underground...
[chuckles]
Martin: Pretty scary, huh?
[he throws his head back and laughs evilly. Niles lowers the camcorder]
Niles: Dad, surely you must have some message you want to leave for the Cranes of the twenty-first century?
Martin: All right, all right, I do.
[Niles resumes filming]
Martin: Remember to always work hard, and that family comes first. And... I have a million bucks in unmarked bills that I took off a drug dealer that I have stashed in my old army foot locker. The combination is left fifteen, right thirty-two, le-le...
[he pretends to choke and die. Niles wearily turns the camcorder on himself]
Niles: Future generations, see what I had to put up with?

Niles: What's the point of going to Switzerland without spending a day on the slopes? So, I ducked out of the conference, and who should I run into but Maris? She'd just flown in for her yearly goat-placenta treatments.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Hmm... Good lord, is it placenta-treatment-time again, already?
Niles: We had a set-to on the slopes. She ran; I tried to follow her tracks in the snow but, alas, she made none.

Niles: Now serving one hundred and fifty one.
Dr. Frasier Crane: [turns to see] Good God! He's here to see Roz?
Niles: Yes, well, no doubt they met when Sealy Posturepedic named them Man and Woman of the Year.

Dr. Frasier Crane: That is the *last* man that Roz should be with!
Niles: Don't worry: Knowing Roz, he won't be.

[Frasier and Niles are reading, trying to find a way to circumvent Niles' obligation to keep Ben's intentions confidential]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Say, here's a possibility. According to this, it says we can warn her if he plans to do her bodily harm. Does he?
Niles: No.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Damn!
Niles: It would be so much easier if Roz were mentally incompetent.
[They slowly look up at each other]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Go on.
Niles: Well, then there'd be some justification for protecting her. Is she irrational?
Dr. Frasier Crane: She did attack a vending machine once, when a Twinkie came out of the Oreo chute.
Niles: Borderline, borderline... Does she ever act delusional?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, she often claims that she's responsible for the success of our show.
Niles: Building, building... Does she display below-average intelligence?
Dr. Frasier Crane: She once ordered a bottle of white zinfandel!
Niles: Jackpot! Go to her! She's a threat to herself!
Dr. Frasier Crane: It's amazing they even let the woman drive!


"Frasier: Everyone's a Critic (#7.4)" (1999)
[referring to Poppy's review of "A Streetcar Named Desire"]
Dr. Niles Crane: Well, I wish you had lent her your Tennessee Williams biography. She wouldn't have kept forgetting his name and calling him Indiana Jones.

Dr. Niles Crane: You envious reptile!

Dr. Niles Crane: You conniving copy-cat! You have to have whatever I have.
Dr. Frasier Crane: I don't have what you have. My audience is twice as large as yours is!
Dr. Niles Crane: Well, at least my audience can read!
Dr. Frasier Crane: How dare you review my audience!
Dr. Niles Crane: I'll review anything I want to!

Dr. Niles Crane: Olga and I were up till all hours at a party for the Royal Shakespeare Company. I'm rubbing pretty impressive shoulders these days. And to think it's all because I have a small column.
Dr. Frasier Crane: That would certainly be the Freudian interpretation!

Dr. Niles Crane: You just can't stand it that my opinion means more than yours. That the arts community looks to me for my insight, my approval, my thumbs-up.
Dr. Frasier Crane: I think we both know what your thumb's up these days!

Dr. Niles Crane: If it's any consolation, I got fired from "The Monocle."
Dr. Frasier Crane: Niles, I'm sorry.
Dr. Niles Crane: I panned a wretched musical, not realizing the lead was the person who does Olga's hair.
Dr. Frasier Crane: She fired you just to placate her hairdresser?
Dr. Niles Crane: Electrolysist. And if you'd ever seen her in a sundress, you'd forgive her as I have.


"Frasier: To Kill a Talking Bird (#4.14)" (1997)
[Niles drops by with his dog]
Niles: Hello, Frasier. We were in the neighborhood for a pedicure and a seaweed wrap and we thought we'd stop by. Of course, the pedicure was for...
Martin: Stop right there! There's no way to finish that sentence that'll make me proud.

Dr. Frasier Crane: You know, Niles, this precious little building of yours isn't as exclusive as you think. Your doorman waved me right through.
Niles: Well, that's because he knows you.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, fan of my show?
Niles: No, he lives in your building.

Dr. Frasier Crane: [Referring to the building Niles wants to move into] I'm going to go out on a limb here: the Montana doesn't accept pets, does it?
Niles: On the contrary, they welcome them. Just not cats or dogs.
Martin: [Holding Niles' dog] Well, then you're in luck, 'cause I don't know what the hell this thing is.

Niles: [Niles' cockatoo is attached to his head] I don't think my reputation can suffer more than it already has.
Dr. Frasier Crane: I wouldn't be so sure about that; wearing a white bird after Labor Day.

Dr. Frasier Crane: Niles, I can't stall them for much longer. The Dutchman's date even knows Maris.
Niles: What? Who is it?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Elaine something.
Niles: Which Elaine? Maris knows three Elaines.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, she's very thin, exquisitely dressed, and dripping with attitude.
Niles: [annoyed] Oh, like that narrows it down!

Dr. Frasier Crane: Place cards, how elegant...
[reads one]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Who is Peter Soutendeck?
Niles: He's an investment banker from Amsterdam. He apparently handles a lot of Bill Gates's money, so don't say anything derogatory about the Netherlands or Microsoft.
Dr. Frasier Crane: [dryly] Damn. There goes my opening joke about the Dutchman trying to install Windows '95.


"Frasier: Party, Party (#5.23)" (1998)
[on finding that his girlfriend is married to a big game hunter with a violent temper]
Dr. Niles Crane: Here's something interesting: I think I just swallowed my tongue.

[on finding that his girlfriend is married to a big game hunter with a violent temper]
Dr. Niles Crane: Frasier, I need to ask a small favor. I need you to create a distraction, while I have a sex change and move to Europe.

Dr. Niles Crane: Well, we were just chatting on the elevator. I walked her to her car where, it turned out, she'd locked her keys inside. My resourcefulness saved the day.
Dr. Frasier Crane: What did you do, fish them out with a coat hanger?
Dr. Niles Crane: No, I called the auto club. Where would I find a coat hanger?

Dr. Niles Crane: She invited me to join her for lunch; we hit it off. The next night, I took her to dinner, one thing led to another, and soon, there was no further need for words.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Except for your frantically babbled thank-yous.

Dr. Niles Crane: I'm seeing her again tonight, so you'll understand if I'm a little bit drained tomorrow during our squash game: My love-making can get slightly athletic.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Which is more than can be said for your squash game.

Dr. Niles Crane: Frasier, are you familiar with the Safari Club?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Of course. Their yearly expeditions are remarkable.
Dr. Niles Crane: They're legendary. Last year they made camp at the base of Mount Everest, then had their servants climb it while they held a wine tasting.


"Frasier: The Matchmaker (#2.3)" (1994)
Tom Duran: It must be all in my head, but I sense that you have a problem with me dating Frasier.
Niles: Well, if you must know... I'm sorry, what was the question?
Tom Duran: Do you some a problem with me dating your brother?
Niles: [pauses] No.

Niles: There's something I have to tell you. Dad wanted to, but I won the coin toss.

Frasier: [on Daphne] She's just having trouble finding men.
Roz: [whips out her little black book] Say no more!
Frasier: No, Roz, Roz, it's really not necessary. You do not have to donate one of your boyfriends to Daphne.
Roz: Oh, come on, I'd be happy to.
Frasier: But still, one hates to break up a collection.
[Niles brings coffees]
Roz: Oh, here we go! Sven Bachman, he's an aerobics instructor.
Frasier: I don't think so.
Roz: Oh, this one's perfect! Gunther Dietrich. He's loads of fun, and he's a runway model.
Frasier: A German narcissist. Now there's an appealing combination.
Roz: Okay, okay, I'll keep looking.
Niles: Looking for what?
Roz: I'm helping Frasier find a man for Daphne.
Niles: What?
Roz: Here we go! He's a tennis instructor, and his name is Brick.
Niles: Dear God, Frasier - Sven, Gunther, Brick? Why not just lather Daphne up with baby oil and hurl her over the wall of a prison yard?
Roz: Excuse me, but I've dated all these guys.
Niles: Well, where do you think I came up with the imagery?
Roz: [furious] Listen, you little titmouse...!
Frasier: All right! Niles, you are completely out of line here. And Roz, he does have a point. You and Daphne are entirely different kinds of women. While Daphne is very shy and inexperienced, you are more... well, a lot more... well, actually it's hard to find anyone who's more...
Roz: Oh, I get it! Not one man I've ever dated is good enough for Miss Daphne, is that what you're trying to say?
Frasier: No, it's what I'm trying not to say, and you're not making it very easy.
Roz: [getting up] Oh, I'm out of here.
Frasier: Oh, Roz, please wait.
Roz: [storming out] Oh no, I can't stay, the FLEET IS IN!

Frasier: [upon realizing that Tom is gay] Niles, do you realize what this means?
Niles: Yes, you're dating your boss.

Niles: Frasier, I must apologize; I was wrong about Tom. If I had to choose a man for Daphne, he's the one I'd pick.

Frasier: That's ridiculous! Tom is not gay!
Niles: He seems to be under that impression.


"Frasier: Something Borrowed, Someone Blue: Part 2 (#7.24)" (2000)
[on Daphne's family]
Niles: I must be in love. It doesn't even bother me that you come with them.

Daphne: Oh for God's Sake, Dr. Crane.
[kisses him passionately]
Niles: I think you can call me Niles now.

[on a hotel balcony, Niles having asked Daphne to run away with him]
Niles: The stars are out. Lovely breeze. Night blooming jasmine. And, of course, there's the beautiful girl...
Daphne: Dr. Crane, I haven't answered your question yet.
Niles: I know. That's why I keep talking. Then, in case I don't get the answer I want, I can at least make this moment last a little longer.

Niles: [has just found out that Daphne is in love with him] I was just talking to Frasier about a conversation you two had.
Daphne: Oh, dear!
Niles: No, no. Don't get upset.
Daphne: I specifically asked him not to say anything. What was he thinking?
Niles: No, I'm glad he told me.
Daphne: Oh, yes! So we can have a big talk about it! That's what you psychiatrists always do, drag everything out into the open so we can work through it. No matter how awkward it might be. Well, I just don't see the point!
Niles: No, Daphne, I'm glad he told me - because I love you.

Daphne: [Niles has just told her he loves her] Dr. Crane, you shouldn't say such things.
Niles: It's the truth. Lord knows, I have tried to deny it, tried to pretend that I am over you, but not a day has gone by when I haven't thought of you. Your smile, your beautiful eyes, what it would be like to hold your hands and ask you the question I never dared ask!
Donny Douglas: [entering suddenly] What's the difference between a blister and a boil?

[last lines]
Niles: Fasten your seat belt, Daphne.
Daphne: Fasten yours, Niles.


"Frasier: The Apparent Trap (#7.9)" (1999)
[Niles and Lilith see each other for the first time after their fling]
Frasier: It happened, take from it what you can learn, move on.
Niles: Well, I learned if you kiss her too fast you get an ice-cream headache.
Lilith: You also learned that I have twice your upper body strength, so shut your pie hole.

Daphne: Beautiful job carving that turkey, Dr. Crane.
Niles: Well, I picked up a thing or two in medical school. In case you're wondering, this bird appears to have died of a massive head trauma.

Frederick: I'm saving the universe. Do you want to help?
Niles: I wouldn't know where to begin.

Frederick: That's your guy, you've just escaped from an intergalactic, maximum security prison pod.
Niles: Like they could hold me.

Niles: What's this about?
Lilith: Well, it's about an attraction that I thought was over and now I'm beginning to think, maybe it's not.
Niles: Usually in my dreams, this is where I try to run and can't.

[Lilith begins to play a video game that Niles has been unsuccessful at, Lilith gets into the first room]
Niles: Wow, I didn't know there was a door there.


"Frasier: The Fight Before Christmas (#7.11)" (1999)
[Niles sees Roz and Daphne talking]
Niles: Well, there's a Christmas tableau: "Naughty & Nice."

[Maris's gardener Yoshi passed away]
Niles: He had a heart attack when he was out trimming Maris's elaborate hedge maze. The paramedics never had a chance.

Donny Douglas: [after hearing about Niles's break-up] Did you talk about moving in together, making any long-term plans?
Niles: This is really bringing out the lawyer in you, isn't it?
Donny Douglas: The bartender, actually. I was just wondering how big a drink to make you.

Frasier: Well you know, Niles, if you want my advice...
Niles: Ooh, you know, you really need to stop saying that.

Niles: Anything else in the box, Pandora?

Niles: Mel...
Dr. Mel Karnofsky: Niles, please, we're at a party.
Niles: All right, you're right, we'll talk about it later.
Dr. Mel Karnofsky: No, no, we'll talk about it now. Just put on your party face.
[they both stick on fake grins]
Dr. Mel Karnofsky: Don't embarrass me - as if I could be further embarrassed after you lied to me last night.
Niles: I can explain...
Dr. Mel Karnofsky: Oh, no, no, no, you don't need to. When a man lies about where he's been, it's not hard to guess the reason. So what's the little whore's name?


"Frasier: Dark Victory (#2.24)" (1995)
[playing a game called "I'm the Dullest Person"]
Frasier: If I was going to go I would say, "I am the dullest person because I have never been on a rollercoaster." All right? And then all of you that have been on a rollercoaster would give me a penny. Now we all have our pennies. Who would like to go first? Daphne?
Daphne: I can't think of anything.
Frasier: Of course you can. Just say the first thing that comes into your mind. I'm the dullest person because...
Daphne: Oh, I don't know. Because I've never made love in a lift or a phone booth or on an aeroplane or a merry-go-round.
Frasier: Okay, that's good, but strategically speaking that's not the best way to get our pennies. You see, it should be something that someone else might have actually...
[Roz throws in a penny]
Frasier: ...done.
[Roz throws in three more pennies while everyone else stares at her]
Roz: I was in college, I was trying to find myself!
Niles: All you needed to do was look under the nearest man.

Niles: You unprincipled charlatan! You unconscionable fraud! If this were another era, I'd horsewhip you!
Frasier: Niles, what are you talking about?
Niles: You spoke to a patient of mine today, Caroline. As a result of your fast-food approach to psychiatry, she left me!
Frasier: Caroline was your patient?
Niles: Two years of my hard work wiped out by one of your two-minute McSessions.

Roz: The blackout hit just as the elevator doors opened on the fourteenth floor. So I stood in the hallway trying to decide whether to come back in here with you guys or take my chances on the pitch-black streets with the muggers and the weirdos. So I went down a couple of flights, and then I changed my mind. Meanwhile someone's probably looting my apartment!
Niles: Yes, I hear there's a thriving black market in badly-designed Formica coffee tables.
Roz: At least I have my own sense of style. You won't even buy a chair unless some fey French aristocrat has sat his fat satin fanny in it!
Niles: Louis the Fourteenth was not fey! Everyone wore garters in the eighteenth century!

[during a blackout]
Frasier: Now we can all sit here in the dark and be miserable or we can try to have some fun.
Niles: I'm going to call Maris.
Frasier: Well, Niles has voted. Who votes for fun?

Niles: Well, this blackout could go on all night. It's time I braved the dark streets and got back to my Maris. I just hope it isn't like the lightning storm last month. The only way I could coax her out from under the bed was by tying a Prozac to the end of a string!

[after exiting the apartment during a blackout, Niles bursts back in, gasping for breath]
Niles: Nineteen floors down to my car! Garage door's electric! Can't open! Twenty floors back up! Lost count! Bad lady upstairs! Big dog! Need place to die!


"Frasier: Author, Author (#1.22)" (1994)
Frasier: I do not have a fat face.
Niles: Oh, please. I keep wondering how long you're going to store those nuts for winter.

Frasier: Niles, I would shave my head for you.
Niles: A gesture that grows less significant with each passing year.

[Frasier is attempting to throttle Niles during a particularly out-of-control argument]
Niles: My God, I'm having a flashback! You're climbing in my crib and jumping on me!
Frasier: You stole my mommy!

Frasier, Niles: [singing] ump-ta-da-da-da ump-ta-da-da-da... Some boys run off to college, but we think they're all wussies, cause they get all the knowledge, and we get all the umpta-da-da-da umpta-da-da-da...

Frasier: Oh, so that's what this little tantrum is all about? You're jealous of my celebrity?
Niles: It's not a tantrum, and I'm not jealous. I'm just FED UP! I'm fed up with being second all the time. You know, I wanted to be a psychiatrist like Mom way before you did, but because you were older you got there first. You were first to get married. You were first to give Dad the grandchild he always wanted. By the time I get around to doing anything, it's all chewed meat!
Frasier: You're crying about something that we can't change.
Niles: Oh, you wouldn't change it if you could, you love it!
Frasier: Oh, let it go, Niles!
Niles: I can't let it go! My nose is rubbed in it every day! *I'm* the one on the board of the Psychiatric Association, *my* research is well-respected in academic circles, four of *my* patients have been elected to political office, but it's *your* big fat face they put on the side of buses!

Niles: Frasier, I've always dreamed of looking in the library card catalog and seeing my name under "Mental Illness."


"Frasier: Daphne Hates Sherry (#4.20)" (1997)
Daphne: Can't imagine what you must be thinking. Me barging in asking to stay the night...
Niles: Well, gee, I'm just thinking so many things.

Daphne: [about Sherry] She says I'm too rigid.
Niles: Nonsense!
Daphne: And that I'm too picky.
Niles: Poppycock!
Daphne: And that I'd be much happier if I just went out and had sex with someone.
Niles: [after a pause] Just to play devil's advocate...

Daphne: I mean I have been keeping myself on the shelf lately. I'm feeling a little like the good china.
Niles: Someone should be eating off you every day.

Daphne: Well I'm sure there are other intimacies you miss.
Niles: Well, actually I still have a longing for... I still have a desire for... er... Fruit?
Daphne: Sex!
Niles: Er, yes, sex.
Daphne: I'd love some. I mean fruit, although sex is good too.

Daphne: The two of us and just one fan. Well, of course, you're the host, you take it.
Niles: No, I couldn't sleep at all knowing you were in the next room hot and... hot.
Daphne: Well, I suppose under the circumstances we could both sleep in the same room.
Niles: It does oscillate.

Frasier: You're a doctor, why didn't you just use your prescription pad?
Niles: [realizing] Oh, my god!
Frasier: Isn't there an all-night pharmacy across the street from your building?
Niles: Oh my god!


"Frasier: Death Becomes Him (#1.11)" (1993)
Daphne: We women have been poked and prodded my male doctors for centuries. I say it's high time you gents went to see a doctor of the opposite sex. See how you like waiting in that room, sitting there all naked and helpless and goosebumpy.
Frasier: Niles, surely you could recommend someone? Niles!
Niles: I'm sorry, my mind was somewhere else.

Daphne: It won't be so bad. Well, unless you have to parade around the office in one of those gown where your little bum peeks through the back.
Frasier: So Niles, what's Dr Newman's number? Niles. Niles
Niles: I'm sorry, I must have drifted off again.

Niles: I was in the middle of my workout, but, I can always pump iron later.
Daphne: Well, I'll just pop into the kitchen and fix us a snack.
[she exits]
Frasier: Pump iron? Niles, you don't even pump your own gas.

Martin: This is crazy. I'm not going to start putting my name on your stuff.
Frasier: Dad, what happens if I die tomorrow, you and Niles end up in an argument about... well, that African mask, for instance?
Martin: It'll never happen. Niles, you can have it.
Niles: I don't want it.
Daphne: Well, don't look at me. I throw a towel over that thing when you're not home.

Niles: Oh, I know who you should see. Dr. Gary Numan - his office is in my building. He has a very successful practice. I saw a Lichtenstein hanging in his office.
Frasier: Oh, a Lichtenstein! Sounds perfect!


"Frasier: You Can't Tell a Crook by His Cover (#1.15)" (1994)
Niles: I'll have a decaf latte, and please be sure to use skim milk.
Frasier: I'll have the same.
Eric: Got it.
[to barista]
Eric: Two Gutless Wonders!
Niles: [to Frasier] Certainly playing fast and loose with his tips for a man who drives a van.

Niles: Excuse me. Has a young woman been in here this evening approximately five foot nine and three quarters, with skin the colour of Devonshire cream and the sort of eyes that gaze directly into one's soul with neither artifice nor evasion?

Niles: I'm not without resources. My Tae Kwon Do instructor tells me I'm just two moves away from becoming quite threatening!

Frasier: Niles, just listen to me for a second. You know perfectly well that she'll resent any interference. Now, you want to make a fool of yourself, go right ahead, but don't ask me to join you.
Niles: That's fine. Just tell me where they went.
Frasier: Someplace called the, uh, the Topaz Room.
Eric: The Topaz Room? I thought the cops shut that place down after the last shooting.
Frasier: I'll drive!

Frasier: Oh Niles, Niles, just sit down and relax, for God's sakes. You're being irrational.
Niles: Don't you *dare* call me irrational! You know that makes me crazy!


"Frasier: The Club (#2.18)" (1995)
Frasier: I'm Dr. Frasier Crane, and this is my brother, Dr. Niles Crane, the eminent psychiatrist.
Niles: My brother is too kind. He was already eminent when my eminence was merely imminent.

Martin: Where's Maris?
Niles: Uh, she stayed in the Mercedes, practicing her vivacious giggle.

Wentworth: Cocktails, gentlemen?
Frasier: Oh, yes, I'd like two ounces of your best 18-year-old Lowland single malt scotch.
Mr. Drake: There's a discriminating choice.
Niles: Yes, my brother has an extensive knowledge of fine wines and spirits. Undoubtedly acquired during the years when he was shacked up with a barmaid.

[after the brothers have sabotaged each other's efforts to join Seattle's Empire Club, they apologize]
Niles: My only excuse is that all my life, I have dreamed of belonging to an exclusive club like the Empire. Even as a child, when I formed clubs with my teddy bears, there were always two or three who didn't make the cut.

[at a cocktail party to compete for entry into an exclusive club, Frasier brings Daphne]
Frasier: Listen, my date canceled, Daphne's filling in, all right? You can't honestly think that I would end up going out with Daphne?
Niles: Well, you are a man. She is a goddess... whose bedroom is, after all, only forty-one steps from your own.
Frasier: On a completely unrelated topic, where's Maris?
Niles: The last I saw, she was apologizing to one of the other candidate's wives. Apparently, Maris bumped an entire chafing dish of crabmeat into the poor woman's décolletage.
Frasier: Accidents will happen.
Niles: As long as they keep the hors d'oeuvres flowing, they will.


"Frasier: Good Grief (#6.1)" (1998)
Aaron: It's cool isn't it? Your brother having his own club?
Dr. Niles Crane: Yeah, well. Seeing all of you, I sort of wish I had a club myself.

Dr. Frasier Crane: You're just in time, I'm throwing a party for my fan club.
Martin Crane: Here?
Dr. Niles Crane: Is there some problem with the bridge they normally meet under?

Dr. Niles Crane: How's Frasier doing?
Martin Crane: He's getting weirder, he beat up a pinata yesterday.
Dr. Niles Crane: Isn't that what you're SUPPOSED to do to a pinata?
Martin Crane: Not like this. They found a jawbreaker on the other side of the highway.

Dr. Niles Crane: Frasier, you're not famous ANYMORE!
[Frasier starts bawling]
Martin Crane: What in the hell did you do that for?
Dr. Niles Crane: Dad, he needed a push.
Martin Crane: But look at him! This can't be good!
Dr. Niles Crane: No, it IS good. Let it all out, Frasier, let it all out, good, that's right.
[Frasier carries on]
Dr. Niles Crane: That's probably enough now, okay.
Martin Crane: How much more can be in there?
Dr. Niles Crane: Okay, alright, yeah. That's probably enough now.
[to Martin]
Dr. Niles Crane: I don't think I can get him to stop.
Martin Crane: But this is sickening!
Daphne Moon: What're we gonna do?
Martin Crane: Somebody get that Monte Cristo in there!

Dr. Frasier Crane: [sending Daphne to the storage room with a heavy box she just brought up] Thank you, Daphne, and when you're done with that I need you to run some errands for me. I need a very sturdy lemon zester, some more music paper some potting soil, and an easel.
Daphne Moon: Oh, be happy to!
[Niles comes in behind her]
Daphne Moon: Then after that maybe I can draw a bath, strip you naked and scrub you with a loofah, would that be alright, Dr. Crane?
Dr. Niles Crane: Yes.
Daphne Moon: [turns around and laughs] Oh, I didn't even see you standing there!


"Frasier: A Lilith Thanksgiving (#4.7)" (1996)
[Niles is preparing Thanksgiving turkey in Lilith's kitchen]
Niles: Where do you keep your saffron?
Lilith: Third cupboard.
Niles: Mm-hmm, and where do you keep your shallots?
Lilith: In the crisper. By the way, you still have to remove the entrails from the chest cavity.
Niles: In that case, where do you keep your ten-foot pole?

Martin: What's wrong?
Niles: Oh, just a little depressed. It's my first Thanksgiving without Maris.
Martin: Oh, yeah, I know, son. It's hard.
Niles: Do you remember the year I plopped that big wedge of pumpkin pie in front of her, and we all laughed? Then I put a big scoop of whipped cream on top of it and we laughed some more! Then her eyes welled up with tears and we all knew it was time to stop.

Lilith: I'm nearly done defrosting.
Niles: And the turkey?
Lilith: Might I suggest you stuff it?

Daphne: If you don't mind my asking, are you taking anything along to keep your nephew amused?
Niles: Yes, his grandfather.

Niles: Oh, by the way, what time tomorrow are Frederick and Lilith flying in?
Martin: Her broom touches down at eleven.


"Frasier: Four for the Seesaw (#4.13)" (1997)
Frasier: You feel like a new man, don't you?
Niles: I feel like a new woman, and thank God I remembered to pack one!

Frasier: I suppose we could share a table. There's a couple of seats available there.
[He gestures to a table where 2 attractive women are seated]
Niles: Oh good Lord. We can't sit with strange women.
Frasier: Why not? We married strange women.

Niles: Those two are coming on to us.
Frasier: You know, they are very attractive, Niles. Maybe we should ask them out.
Niles: On a date? We just met!
Frasier: [sarcastically] Good point, Niles. Perhaps we should go out with them a few more times before we ask them on a date.

Frasier: Niles, I can't take this anymore.
Niles: These women are as inscrutable as sphinxes.
Frasier: Yes. All we've gotten here are the most veiled, cloaked, cryptic messages. Can't they just give us one clear signal?
Beth Armstrong: [enters] Well, I'm off to bed. Niles, are you coming?
[exits to bedroom]
Niles: [missing the implication] Curse these infernal riddles!
Frasier: Niles!

[Frasier and Niles are trying to figure out if their dates' intentions are platonic or not]
Niles: Oh, I know! Their luggage will tell us! We'll put my bag in with your date's, and your bag in with my date's. They'll see the mistake, and the way they correct it will tell us with whom they're planning to spend the night - each other, or us - and either way, it'll all look like a simple misunderstanding.
Frasier: You've done this before!
Niles: Only on my honeymoon, now hurry.
[They start to move the suitcases, but Frasier stops]
Frasier: Niles, this is idiotic! We're both trained psychiatrists.
Niles: Yes, and finally it's paying off!


"Frasier: Give Him the Chair! (#1.19)" (1994)
[Niles lets Daphne try on a necklace he bought for Maris, but it falls down the front of her blouse; Frasier enters]
Frasier: Hello, Niles. Whatever are you doing here?
Niles: I, um, bought an emerald necklace for Maris, and I needed some place to hide it for her birthday.
Frasier: Emeralds? Well, may I see it?
Niles: Not at the moment, no.
Frasier: Why not?
Daphne: It's down my blouse.
Frasier: I see. Well, I'm sure Maris will never think of looking for it there.

Niles: [entering the furniture store] Good God, Frasier, we've stumbled upon hell's waiting room.

Niles: [testing a chair in the showplace] I never knew a chair could be this satisfying. I never knew anything could! I want it!
Frasier: Yes, Niles, I'm sure it would fit right in with all of Maris' Eighteenth Century antiques.
Niles: Well then, I'll just rent it an apartment and visit it on the side.

Frasier: God, when you think about all the care I put into decorating my home, only to have it mocked by this atrocity.
Niles: The bottom line is, it is your home. Why don't you just make him get rid of it?
Frasier: Well, it's not that simple, you know? Dad does have his feelings, and he does have quite an attachment to this little chair...
Niles: You're afraid to stand up to him, aren't you?
Frasier: Oh, like you're not!
Niles: Well, at least I don't have to live with something unattractive.
[Frasier shoots him a look. Niles gapes in outrage]
Frasier: Oh, Niles, I'm just having some fun with you. I happen to think Maris is rather attractive, in a... a minimalist sort of way.

Martin: Hey, Niles. What brings you by?
Niles: Maris's birthday, I'm hiding her present here.
Martin: Oh, it's getting that time of year, is it? Well, I guess I'm gonna have to get her something. It's too bad, I just got back from the hardware store. Saw a great-looking ratchet set.
Frasier: [sotto] As if there's anything left on her that needs tightening.


"Frasier: Decoys (#6.16)" (1999)
Martin Crane: I'll bring a quart of whiskey in case of snakebite.
Dr. Niles Crane: Dad, Dad, there are no snakes up there.
Martin Crane: All right, I'll bring a snake!

Dr. Frasier Crane: Niles, one last warning. Take it from someone who knows you both: you and Roz are NOT a good couple.
Dr. Niles Crane: I understand you're saying that, but believe me, I have seen a new Roz today and underneath that brazen exterior she is a sweet, sensitive, shy and vulnerable woman.
Roz Doyle: [calling from kitchen] Niles, have you seen my nipples?

Dr. Frasier Crane: Niles, the butcher shop was closed, so here I am with all my spices, everything I need to make my duck a l'orange - all I've got's the l'orange!
Martin Crane: [noticing the rack of shotguns by the door] Well, looks like we're going to have get our ducks the old-fashioned way! But we better get a move on, there's only a couple hours of daylight left.
Dr. Niles Crane: Yes, you know, I saw some boxs of ammo in the mud room, Dad, through the kitchen.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Are you insane? I'm not going to shoot any ducks; it's barbaric!
Martin Crane: Oh, I get it! You'll eat them but you won't kill them. What do you think, these things are born "a l'orange?"

Martin Crane: [telling Roz about Niles's crush on Daphne] Six years, can you believe it? Some people just don't even know when it's time to pull the plug.
Dr. Niles Crane: Well, I won't make that mistake twice!

[Martin and Frasier think Niles has asked Roz out]
Dr. Frasier Crane: *Roz*?
Dr. Niles Crane: Well, didn't you encourage me to make a fresh start?
Dr. Frasier Crane: True, but I gotta tell you, Niles, Roz isn't the freshest start you could make!


"Frasier: Travels with Martin (#1.21)" (1994)
[Frasier agrees to go on a Winnebago trip with Martin]
Frasier: You've got to come with us!
Niles: Frasier, you're my brother. That entitles you to my bone marrow and one of my kidneys, but *this* is an imposition!

[on a Winnebago vacation]
Martin: Remember the old days, Niles? When they were kids, all they had in the back seat was a mayonnaise jar!
Frasier: Yes, it took quite a bit of skill to use it successfully at seventy miles per hour! Never really been fond of mayonnaise since.
Niles: Or speed bumps.

Niles: I should have known this would happen. I always throw out my back when I try to lift Maris' luggage.
Daphne: Why didn't you hire a skycap?
Niles: Oh, we did for most of it, but Maris won't trust strangers with her makeup case, ever since a ham-handed porter dropped it and broke three vials of rare Swiss lamb placenta. On the upside, the calfskin lining of her case was never more soft and supple.

Niles: Those were awful, those family driving vacations. Dad insisting on covering as many miles as possible in a day; the two of us, tiny hostages in the back seat, clutching our car sickness bags, straining to see something out of the window as the landscape whizzed by. I was 13 before I realized cows aren't blurry.

Niles: I'm sorry Frasier, I am not a Winnebago person. Whenever I see one on the highway I look into the driver's eyes, hoping to see something that would explain why in God's name he would ever want to do something like this! All I see is a death stare under the brim of a hat made out of Miller Lite cans. This is my final word. I'm not going.
Martin: Hey, great news! Daphne's coming, too!
Niles: And so am I!


"Frasier: Merry Christmas, Mrs. Moskowitz (#6.10)" (1998)
Frasier: They're both popping up on the way to the airport. I guess someone wanted to rack up a few more frequent Frasier miles.
[he and Niles laugh, then Niles leans in]
Niles: You don't ever actually say those things to the woman, do you?
Frasier: Oh no, no.

Daphne: Dr Crane, can I ask a favor? What are you doing for the next ten nights? Because my...
Niles: Yes.

Martin Crane: I don't know how to be Jewish.
Niles: Well, just answer questions with a question.
Martin Crane: Like what?
Niles: What, I have to explain everything?
Martin Crane: Can't you give me an example?
Niles: What, I should give you an example?
Martin Crane: Are you going to help me or not?
Niles: You're saying I'm not being helpful?
Martin Crane: Oh, forget it!

Niles: What's going on?
Frasier: Faye's mother thinks that we're Jewish, just play along.
Niles: Okay...why?
Frasier: Well, it's important to Faye; Faye is important to me. Do you think you can pull it off?
Niles: No problem.
[checks oven]
Niles: Ohhh, ham!
Frasier: Niles, Please! We've got to find a time to tell Dad about this, too.
Niles: You mean Papa.
Frasier: Stop it!


"Frasier: Agents in America: Part 3 (#2.22)" (1995)
[Bebe and Frasier have slept together]
Frasier: All right, just go ahead. Get your shots in.
Niles: No, no. I'm just glad you're all right. I would have assumed she killed after mating.

Frasier: Once a woman has dipped her toe into Crane Lake, dry land is never the same again.
Niles: Yes, she's probably home in her room writing "Mrs. Bebe Crane" over and over in the margin of her algebra book.

Bebe: Do you have any idea how hot you are? I get offers everyday from other stations offering the moon for you.
Frasier: Good Lord, am I really that hot?
Bebe: Are you kidding? If I were a pot roast, I'd be done.
Niles: Hello, I'm Niles, a person at the table.
Bebe: Niles, thank God you're here. Back me up. Give him some sound, brotherly advice.
Niles: She's the Devil, Frasier. Run fast, run far.

Niles: Oh, dear, don't turn around. It's that dreadful woman who works for you.
Frasier: Who?
Niles: Um... Lady Macbeth without the sincerity.
Frasier: Oh! Oh, Bebe's here! Now listen, Niles, I care for her just as little as you do, but she is a terrific agent, which is why I overlook the fact that she's pushy and obnoxious and the most appalling phony I've ever known.
[turns around]
Frasier: Bebe, darling, how are you?


"Frasier: How to Bury a Millionaire (#6.7)" (1998)
[Martin is lost wandering around Niles's apartment]
Martin Crane: Niles, there's no door here, just a third bookshelf.
Dr. Niles Crane: Oh, it's all right. The bookshelf is actually a secret passage.
Martin Crane: How do I get through?
Dr. Niles Crane: Just poke Mrs. Dalloway on the bottom.
Martin Crane: What?

[Niles looks around his prospective apartment, which still has the previous tenant's clothes and things in it]
Dr. Niles Crane: This Gary seems to have left in an awful hurry. Did he leave no forwarding address?
Frank: [uncomfortable] Uh, he left a note, but... nooooo. No address.

Dr. Niles Crane: Get me out of this hellhole!
Martin Crane: What did I say?
Dr. Niles Crane: I can't live this charade! I have tried, it's taking too much out of me!
Martin Crane: Now, Niles, this place is fine. Just remember the old saying: what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
Dr. Niles Crane: But, Dad, not everyone makes it into that second group!

Dr. Niles Crane: All right, that's it, enough is enough!
Dr. Frasier Crane: Niles, who are you calling?
Dr. Niles Crane: I am calling Maris! I'm going to beg her to take me back!
Martin Crane: You don't want to do that!
Dr. Niles Crane: Oh, yes, I do! Life with Maris wasn't so bad! It was my fault! I was too rigid! I was always making demands!
Dr. Frasier Crane: Niles...
Dr. Niles Crane: "Eat something! Unlock this door! Don't throw that!"


"Frasier: Radio Wars (#7.3)" (1999)
Niles: Why didn't you hold the elevator? Didn't you hear me shouting?
Frasier: That was you? Oh, I'm sorry, Niles. I was afraid you were trying to get a picture of my butt.
Niles: How exciting to be present at the birth of a new phobia.

Martin: People think you're stuffy. You know, with your opera parties, and your wine parties and your seasoned crepe pans.
Frasier: In my defense, Niles is the only one who has ever seasoned his crepe pans.
Niles: Which is precisely why I've had the same set since the ninth grade, thank you very much.

Martin: My point is, you guys could never resist putting on airs. Even when you were in junior high, you used to love that TV program, "The Avengers." You used to run all over the neighborhood pretending you were that guy with the umbrella... Steve.
Frasier: Steed!
Niles: Dad!
Frasier: There were worse role models. Steed was dapper and witty. Whenever somebody gave him grief, he gave them a sound thrashing with his umbrella.
Martin: Well, that's great, admire him if you want. But did you have to run through the neighborhood in bowler hats? You were just begging to get beat up.
Frasier: Come to think of it, it was rather a rough summer that year, wasn't it?
Niles: I remember getting a chin strap, so the bowler wouldn't fall off when I ran.
Martin: And all that did was make you look like Elizabeth Taylor in "National Velvet."

Daphne Moon: You know, it's funny hearing you talk about "The Avengers." My first Halloween in America, I went to a party dressed as Mrs. Peel. Head-to-toe in that skintight black leather catsuit. Come to think of it, I still have it somewhere, and Halloween's coming up.
Martin: Catsuit, huh?
[nods towards Eddie]
Martin: Better not let this guy hear you talking about that, he'll go nuts.
Niles: [indignant] I would not!
[sees Eddie]
Niles: ...be surprised if he did!
[pets Eddie]
Niles: Ho-ho-ho...


"Frasier: RDWRER (#7.12)" (2000)
Martin: McGinty's going in for a bypass next month and he's afraid he might not make it out for St. Paddy's Day.
Niles: This is a disaster.
Martin: No, they'll just pop in another pig valve. You know, the only reason he needs it is because he eats so much bacon. So, the same thing that's killing him is keeping him alive. There's your "O. Henry" story.

Niles: Cancel the millennium! Chez Henri has burned down!
Frasier: Burned down?
Niles: Apparently, Henri was caramelizing a huge crËme brulÈe in the shape of Puget Sound when a sugar spark ignited a thirty foot papier machÈ "Space Needle." They're already calling it the worst centerpiece disaster in the history of Seattle.

Martin: [at the restaurant] I wonder if you can still get sticky shingles here.
Niles: One look at the salad bar says yes.

Frasier: [answers phone] Hello?
Niles: [on phone] Frasier?
Frasier: Yes?
Niles: Niles. Put your fears to rest. I've got Dad's Winnebago back!
Frasier: Niles, what on earth are you talking about? You must've had a nightmare.
Niles: Indeed I have, but it's over now, and I've managed to give the thugs a taste of their own thieving medicine!
Frasier: [sees that Niles is not in the back of the Winnebago and gasps] Niles! Niles, where are you calling from?
Niles: From behind the wheel of the Road Warrior! And doing a damn fine job driving, I might add!
Frasier: But *I'm* in the Road Warrior! You got in the wrong car, you idiot! You've STOLEN a Winnebago!
Niles: Oh, don't be absurd...
[sees pictures of an old lady with her grandkids and a mug reading 'World's Greatest Grandma']


"Frasier: Oops (#1.10)" (1993)
Niles: I really have to go. I'm conducting a seminar on multiple personality disorders, and it takes me forever to fill out the name tags.

Niles: [handing her one of Maris' dead plants] Daphne, I have a fervent hope that you can coax this
[plant]
Niles: back to life. It's one of Maris' favorites.
Daphne: My goodness! What did she do to it?
Niles: Nothing, just... loved it.

Niles: [after receiving a phone call from Maris] Sorry, I have to go. Maris is despondent. They kicked her out of the cast of "Cats".
Daphne: Why?
Niles: She couldn't remember the words to "Memory".

[first lines]
Niles: So I just had to get out of the house. Maris' Junior League is rehearsing their spring musicale. This year, they're doing "Cats". For the past week and a half I've been watching two dozen underweight, tightly-pulled women in leotards crawling around the music room meowing. I'm telling you, Frasier, my allergies are acting up.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, Niles, I think you're exaggerating.
Niles: No, no, really. You have no idea how vivid the experience is. As God is my judge, I swear Mrs. Presley Bismouth was scent-marking the divan.
Dr. Frasier Crane: God, you'd think women of that age would choose more suitable material. You remember the last show they did, "The Sound of Music"? My God! Half the von Trapp children were having hot flashes.


"Frasier: High Crane Drifter (#3.17)" (1996)
Frasier: [about Niles's fall in the Cafe Nervosa] My god, Niles, that was brilliant! You even got a tear in your eye!
Dr. Niles Crane: I landed on a fork.

Daphne: [to Frasier] I want you to know that your assertiveness inspired me. For weeks now, some louse has been removing my wet clothes from the washer and leaving them on the table in a soggy mess. This morning, I decided to get my revenge. So I took off my new red panties and I popped them in with his whites.
Dr. Niles Crane: Bravo, Daphne. Good for you. God, I wish I'd been there.
Frasier: Daphne, don't you think you were overreacting just a bit?
Daphne: Absolutely not. Those were my panties and I wasn't afraid to use them!
[Niles bites down on his fist]

Dr. Niles Crane: [to Frasier] There he is the man who floats like a lepidoptera and stings like a hymenoptera.

[Frasier is being saluted as a hero]
Dr. Niles Crane: [sulkily] No one's ever given me the thumbs-up.
Frasier: Well, Niles, I've driven on the freeway with you. The rest of the hand has been well-represented.


"Frasier: An Affair to Forget (#2.21)" (1995)
Niles: [thinking that Maris is having an affair] I just got in the car and started driving.
Frasier: Well, I'm glad you ended up here.
Niles: Actually, I ended up at the Oregon border-check. I had fruit in the car so I had to turn back.

Niles: So, you want to build a two-master schooner...
Daphne Moon: Schooner? I thought it was a frigate.
Niles: No, a frigate has a fore-and-aft mainsail.
Daphne Moon: No, no, that's a brigantine.
Niles: Oh, you're right. Well, then what's a frigate?
Martin: That's when you just don't give a damn anymore!
[leaves]

[Martin and Niles are building a model sailing ship]
Daphne Moon: Did I ever mention one of my ancestors was a mutineer on the H.M.S. Bounty?
Martin: No kidding.
Daphne Moon: Yeah, from what we can tell, he made it safely to Pitcairn Island, where he was quite fruitful and multiplied. You know, for all I know, there's some girl who looks exactly like me running around the South Seas, frolicking in the surf, all brown-skinned and bare-breasted...
[Niles snaps the mast he's holding in two, sending the pieces flying over the table]
Niles: So you want to build a two-masted schooner...

Frasier: Niles, are you going to be spending the evening with us?
Niles: Yes. As much as my Maris misses me, she feels family comes first. When she saw this model, she felt it was the perfect project for me to share with dad.
Frasier: She wanted you out of the house, huh?
Niles: Like a musty smell.


"Frasier: The Show Where Diane Comes Back (#3.14)" (1996)
[Frasier interrupts Niles's psychiatric session with a client, Mr. Carr]
Frasier: [horrified] She's back, the scourge of my existence!
Niles: Strange, I usually get some sign when Lilith is in town: dogs forming into packs, blood weeping down the wall.
Frasier: [horrified] I'm talking about... Diane Chambers!
Niles: [to the intercom] Lucille, send Mr. Carr home.

[Diane's recollections of Maris]
Diane Chambers: Niles, do you remember the last time I was in town and we dined together? You had just started dating this woman, she was the queerest little creature...
[accepts a glass of wine from Frasier]
Diane Chambers: Thank you. She ate everyone's sorbet, and then she had to lie down in the ladies' lounge while the coat-check girl massaged her abdomen!
[she laughs loudly, then stops when she notices Frasier's uncomfortable look]
Diane Chambers: Oh, I hope I haven't put my foot in it. You and she didn't get married and live happily ever after, did you?
Niles: No, can't say as we did.

[after Frasier runs across town and bursts into one of Niles's sessions]
Niles: [writing] Well, why do you think you reacted that way?
Frasier: Oh, spare me the psychiatrist bit, Niles! That includes putting down the pad!
[Niles lays his pad on the desk]
Frasier: In the drawer, Niles!
Niles: [complies] Fine. My first question to you is this: are you still in love with her?
Frasier: [shoots up from his chair and paces the office] No! Not in the least! It's a ridiculous suggestion!
Niles: Seeing as I have nowhere to write the phrase "classic denial," I'll move on...

Diane Chambers: So there I was on the balcony of my Malibu beach house when a pod of whales passed by. I knew I had to commune with these gentle giants, so like a flash I was on the beach scrambling to my kayak. But cruel fortune interceded when not twenty yards offshore I suddenly discovered myself entangled in an enormous bed of, of, um...
Niles: Sea kelp.
Diane Chambers: Exactly right. Sea kelp.
Martin Crane: Oh ho, that's funny. I thought he said "Seek help."


"Frasier: Love Bites Dog (#4.2)" (1996)
Frasier: You know, Niles, what say I buy us dinner and a lot of martinis?
Niles: Sounds great, except for the dinner part.

[Bulldog has locked himself in a toilet cubicle]
Roz: [as Niles comes in] Bulldog, if you don't come out of there in the next ten seconds I'm gonna reach in there and pull you out by your ankles.
Niles: Hello, Roz, playing hard to get?

Niles: You poor man. Help is at hand!
Bulldog: [from inside bathroom stall] No. No shrinks. I hate shrinks. You're all a bunch of wimps... weirdos.
[comes out the stall and collapses in tears on Niles' shoulder]
Bulldog: Help me!
Niles: There, there. I'm here for you.
[pushes Bulldog away]
Niles: And you're over there for me.

Bulldog: [Frasier is trying to snap Bulldog out of it] Doc, Doc, you're hurting my head here. Can you stop being a shrink and just be like a guy?
Frasier: [to himself] Like a guy. Like a guy.
[pauses]
Frasier: SCREW HER!
Bulldog: What?
Frasier: [angrily] Yeah, you don't need her. She's trash!
Bulldog: Yeah, that's right.
Frasier: You're better off without her; We both are!
Bulldog: I like the sound of this.
Frasier: Yeah, so do I! Unattractive, yet liberating, rather like the one and only time I wore a European bathing suit.
[realizing he's going off-track]
Frasier: I'm sorry. SHE'S A BITCH!
Bulldog: Hey, she wasn't even that hot!
Frasier: You're right. All she did was save you the trouble of having to dump her!
Bulldog: [cheering up] I never thought about that.
Frasier: There you go!
Bulldog: I'm feeling a little better, Doc!
Frasier: That's right!
Bulldog: Thanks. It's great talking to you!
[holds out his hand]
Frasier: [shaking his hand] Likewise. You know, I could talk like this for another thirty seconds.
Frasier: [walking back in the booth with Bulldog] She was nothing! She was less than nothing! Tomorrow you're gonna find someone even hotter and you know what you're gonna do?
Bulldog: What?
Frasier: You're gonna have your fun with her and then you're gonna dump her just for the hell of it!
Bulldog: Yeah, dump her!
Frasier: And you know what? You're not gonna feel bad about it at all. You know why? Because we're GUYS and THAT'S WHAT GUYS DO!
[walks out of booth]
Niles: [in corridor] Distressing news, Frasier. Francois gave away our table.
Frasier: SCREW HIM!
Niles: [shocked] Excuse me?
Frasier: You heard what I said! We don't need him or his stinky little restaurant! There are plenty of restaurants in town. I say we go somewhere we don't even need a reservation!
[Niles slaps him, snapping him out of his Bulldog mode]
Frasier: Thank you.


"Frasier: Out with Dad (#7.15)" (2000)
Niles: May your opera box be full of cellophane crinklers and a stage swarming with stand-bys.

[Martin pretends to be Niles's boyfriend to fend off a gay man's advances]
Frasier: I have never been so embarrassed in my life.
Niles: You're embarrassed? They think the best I can do is an old man with a cane.

[Martin is pretending to be gay]
Frasier: So, Niles, actually, you missed a splendid evening at the opera.
Niles: Well, maybe I can catch it this weekend with Mel.
Martin: Oh, and who's Mel?
Niles: Damn you and your jealous questions! You don't own me.

[Niles cancels his night at the opera with Frasier to spend the evening with Mel]
Frasier: I am surprised by your gall! At the last moment, you not only bail on me, you expect me to give up my own ticket?
Niles: Please, Frasier, put yourself in my shoes. I have to do something for Mel. Every restaurant in town has been booked for weeks. I ran into Archie Wilfong today. He told me he had to settle for two seats at the counter at The Salad Experience! What would you suggest I do?
Frasier: Bring your own wine and order the Spicy Caesar!


"Frasier: Someone to Watch Over Me (#2.19)" (1995)
Niles: Well, as some illustrious person said, "popularity is the hallmark of mediocrity."
Frasier: You just made that up, didn't you?
Niles: Yes, but I stand by it.

Frasier: Dad, she's not a wierdo. She's simply a woman who finds me utterly fascinating.
Niles: And the distinction would be?

Frasier: [answering door] Who is it?
Niles: Lizzie Borden, I want you to autograph my hatchet.

Frasier: Well, you're a fountain of comfort this evening!
Niles: Oh, I'm just teasing. If you must know, I'm a little jealous. I told Maris about your troubles. All she does is sulk and talk about bodyguards. "Why don't we need one? Aren't we important enough to be stalked?" I have no idea what to say to the poor woman.
Martin Crane: Tell her to just go on being herself and her day will come.


"Frasier: Caught in the Act (#11.15)" (2004)
[Frasier's re-married ex-wife comes to town]
Frasier: My problem now is that she's invited me to her dressing room for an... après-show tryst.
Niles: You're not going?
Frasier: Well...
Niles: Frasier!
Frasier: Niles, if you had any idea how much pain she's in. The woman is reaching out to me to rescue her from a loveless marriage, from - from a career she feels trapped in. If I could help her make a new beginning, wouldn't it be heartless of me to deny myself to her?
Niles: ...Did you say something? Your penis was talking so loud I couldn't hear.

Niles: Will you listen to yourself?
Frasier: Oh, this is more than just sex, Niles. This is passion, kismet. A gift the gods bestow on only a chosen few. Wouldn't the real sin be to refuse it?
Niles: Isn't that your old second-piece-of-pie argument?
Frasier: Well, maybe it is, but I haven't had "pie" in six months.

Frasier: She hit on me in the children's bookstore. Where I bought her CD. Trust me, the woman is a sexual volcano just waiting to erupt!
Niles: Judging from some of these song titles, you may be right. "Nanny's Messy Bed" "I Feel Something Great Inside Me" "Bannisters are Fun."

[Niles enters the cafe with a shopping bag]
Frasier: The Gap, Niles? I didn't know you shopped there.
Niles: I just discovered it! Apparently, there are a number of them.
Frasier: [suspicious] And what did you buy there?
Niles: Oh, well, let's see... some wine glasses, and a bud vase...
Frasier: That's Pottery Barn, you jackass! Give me that!


"Frasier: Murder Most Maris (#11.8)" (2003)
Niles: Apparently, Maris and Esteban had a fight, and Maris kicked him out. She was trying to calm herself by practicing her tableau vivant pose with the, with the crossbow - which, she needs all the practice she can get. She has terribly weak triceps. Well, all of a sudden Esteban burst back in through the balcony window. Maris was-was startled to death and pulled the trigger in self-defense. He was dead before he hit the parquet.

[Maris has been arrested for murder]
Daphne: So where is she now?
Martin: They're holding her as a flight risk.
Niles: Can you imagine?
Martin: Well, it didn't help that when they found her, she had a passport, a wig, and $10,000 in her purse.
Niles: Maris always has those things in her purse.

[Maris has been arrested for murder]
Frasier: Well, you've got to admit, Niles, it doesn't look very good.
Niles: I can't believe she could have planned this. You do learn something about a woman when you've slept in a room next to hers for fifteen years.

Niles: [getting off the phone] That was Maris. Poor thing lost her shoes. She put them outside her cell to be polished, and someone named Big Judy is holding them for ransom.


"Frasier: And the Dish Ran Away with the Spoon: Part 1 (#8.1)" (2000)
Dr. Niles Crane: What are you doing?
Daphne Moon: Returning gifts.
Dr. Niles Crane: Oh, right. You know, that's one thing Mel and I avoided by eloping. No gifts to return when you, uh... when...
Simon Moon: When you shag someone else's wife?

[first lines; Daphne and Niles are fleeing her wedding in Martin's Winnebago]
Dr. Niles Crane: I can't believe this!
Daphne Moon: Neither can I!
Dr. Niles Crane: What made you change your mind?
Daphne Moon: My little niece, Audrey, the flower girl. She looked up at me and said, "You're the saddest bride I've ever seen." I figured, who was I kidding if I couldn't fool a four year old with an eye patch?
Dr. Niles Crane: Remind me to give her a car for her preschool graduation.

Dr. Niles Crane: [Daphne had fled from her wedding] Here we are: the end of the driveway.

Daphne Moon: [fleeing her wedding] I've never done anything this crazy. Are you nervous?
Dr. Niles Crane: Only that I'm going to wake up.


"Frasier: Slow Tango in South Seattle (#2.1)" (1994)
[Niles and Martin are discussing a hot new romance novel]
Niles: Maris is reading "Slow Tango In South Seattle." I think it's put thoughts in her head. This morning I found her cooing over the college student who skims the koi pond.
Martin: I wouldn't concern myself.
Niles: Do you think it's just innocent flirting?
Martin: No, I just wouldn't concern myself.

Martin: [about Maris] She hasn't taken up horse back riding, has she?
Niles: No, no, she wanted to but unfortunately her little quadracepts are so tight she's incapable of straddling anything larger than a border collie.

[Niles and Martin are ribbing Frasier about sleeping with his music teacher]
Martin: Boy, this really fries me, you know? That woman taking advantage of my kid. Not to mention I was putting out ten bucks a week for piano lessons so you could get your hedge trimmed.
Niles: Wait a minute. We're not talking about Miss Warner?
Martin: Don't tell me this was going on during your lessons, too.
Niles: No. You'll be relieved to know that while Frasier was getting his Rachmaninoffs, I was actually studying music.

Dr. Frasier Crane: I can't believe this. I simply cannot believe it.
Martin: What are you yapping about?
Dr. Frasier Crane: This... this book. It was written by a man I knew. He's taken an incident from my own life - something I shared with him in confidence one night - and he's turned it into this... this trash!
Daphne Moon: "Slow Tango"? I just started reading that. You mean to tell me that young man is based on you, Dr. Crane?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes, he is, but did Thomas Jay Fallow have the grace to thank me? No! My name isn't even listed in his acknowledgements!
Martin: What's it about, anyway?
Dr. Frasier Crane: That is not important.
Daphne Moon: It's about his first time.
Dr. Frasier Crane: [sarcastically] Thank you, Daphne.
Niles: Your first time doing what?
Dr. Frasier Crane: [sarcastic again] Changing a flat tire.
Niles: Oh... oh!
Martin: So this whole book's about the night you conceived Frederick?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Very amusing, dad. I'll have you know that was not my first time.
Martin: Hey, I'm happy to know it wasn't your only time.
Niles: Just who was this charitable lass?
Dr. Frasier Crane: That is not important.
Daphne Moon: His piano teacher.
Martin: His piano teacher?
Dr. Frasier Crane: [sarcastically] Thank you again, Daphne!


"Frasier: Momma Mia (#7.1)" (1999)
Niles: He's clearly the one dealing with repressed material, not to mention the obvious Oedipal issues.
Martin: Argle, gargle, gooble, goop.
Niles: What?
Martin: Now you know how it feels. What are you talking about?

Frasier: Look, frankly, I wish you'd start seeing someone about this bug phobia of yours.
Niles: It is not a phobia. I have a healthy fear of our natural predators. It's us versus them and frankly I'm starting to wonder just whose side you're on.

[after Frasier has yelled at Niles and been asked what happened]
Frasier: Niles dropped a huge log right on to my hand when he was startled by a moth!
Niles: It wasn't a moth, it was a bat! I could tell by that eerie, high-pitched scream.
Frasier: That was *you*!


"Frasier: The Gift Horse (#5.2)" (1997)
[in their competition to buy Martin the best gift, Frasier goes overboard and buys an enormous big-screen television]
Dr. Niles Crane: Oh my God, you didn't.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Didn't what? You mean buy dad this television set? Of course I did! It's impressive, isn't it?
Dr. Niles Crane: I knew how jealous you were, but to go to such insane lengths to top me... Frasier, you have lain waste to your apartment with this eyesore!
Dr. Frasier Crane: I disagree! Where you see an eyesore, I see a picture window to a world of art and culture. Just think how a screen this size will enhance the majesty of the Metropolitan Opera. Or the thrilling artists of the Bolshoi!
Dr. Niles Crane: You're quite a Bolshoi artist yourself.

Dr. Niles Crane: Hello, Daphne, Sherry.
[to waitress]
Dr. Niles Crane: Double latte, please.
[sits]
Dr. Niles Crane: Is Frasier with you?
Sherry Dempsey: No, he's out shopping for your dad.
Dr. Niles Crane: That jackal!
[Niles races out of the café. A minute later, Frasier comes in]
Daphne Moon: Dr. Crane, did you find something?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes, I did. It took me most of the afternoon but I finally came up with something I think is just about perfect!
Sherry Dempsey: Oh, Niles forgot his coffee.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Niles was here?
Sherry Dempsey: Yes, but you know, when I mentioned that you were out shopping for your dad he just shot out of here like a bullet...
Dr. Frasier Crane: That little worm!
[Frasier grabs his shopping bag and exits]

[Niles walks in and sees Roz and Frasier kissing]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Hello, Niles. You know, this isn't what it looks like. You see, her ex-boyfriend was just...
[as she keeps nuzzling him]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, just stop that!
Dr. Niles Crane: Please, no explanation necessary. I assume that at the next meeting of Seattle's "Haven't Kissed Roz Club," it will just be me and the Archbishop.
Roz Doyle: I'll save you the club dues.
Dr. Niles Crane: What-?
[Roz kisses Niles and exits]
Dr. Niles Crane: Everyone kisses better than Maris!


"Frasier: And the Dish Ran Away with the Spoon: Part 2 (#8.2)" (2000)
[on the way to the Natural History Museum]
Dr. Niles Crane: Why do you like Pygmies so much?
Martin Crane: They're short and they blow darts. What's not to like?

Daphne Moon: Explain to me again how you and Mel masquerading as husband and wife is a good thing?
Dr. Niles Crane: Well...
Dr. Frasier Crane: If I may? Uh, Daphne, it's basically to give Mel a little wiggle room so she can get out of this debacle with her dignity intact.
Daphne Moon: [takes Niles's hand] And what about Niles' dignity?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, Maris got that in the divorce.
[laughing]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Sorry, Niles.

Dr. Niles Crane: So where you from?
Daphne Moon: Manchester, England.
Dr. Niles Crane: Oh, my. Big family?
Daphne Moon: Hideously. And you?
Dr. Niles Crane: I'm from a small mountain village in Tibet.
[She laughs]
Dr. Niles Crane: Tenzing Norgay used to carry me to school.


"Frasier: Crock Tales (#11.22)" (2004)
Daphne: Dr. Crane, I know what you're going to do!
Niles: You do?
Daphne: Not you, Dr. Crane, Dr. Crane! And you can't fire me, because I quit!
Frasier: What?
Daphne: After all I've done to save you money! I'm washing my face with dish soap while you're out buying imported bath salts like a big rich girl! I hope you rot in debtors' prison!

Frasier: Niles, will you please stop being so morose? It is Thanksgiving.
Niles: Oh, you're right! I should count my blessings: I'm in the midst of a bitter divorce. Maris is freezing my assets, forcing me to live in the Shangri-La, which is the devil's own apartment complex. Where, last night, they turned off my heat, re-freezing my assets.

Frasier: All I said to Maris was, "Why the long face?"
Niles: Yes, and now, thanks to you, she's on the phone to her chin grinder in Zurich.


"Frasier: Something About Dr. Mary (#7.16)" (2000)
Niles: Oh, come now, Frasier. You can't deny a certain measure of guilt living as you do in your exclusive lily-white world.
Frasier: Niles, owning the CD of "Ella Sings Gershwin" does not qualify you as a soul brother.

[Niles takes up kickboxing]
Niles: You know, it requires a lot of talent. You have to have timing and balance, the ability to strike and instantly retreat.
Martin: So you kick them and then run away?
Niles: Yes. My instructor says I'm a natural.

[Niles helps out after Daphne sprains her wrist]
Niles: Oh, I'll get your beer, I'm just frosting the mug in the freezer the way Daphne does.
Daphne: I never frost your beer mug.
Martin: Oh, be quiet, will you? He's feeling very guilty and we have to help him work through it.
Daphne: That is just baloney, and you know it. Shame on you, taking advantage of your son, I don't know how you sleep at night.
Martin: Well, pretty good since he started putting a mint on my pillow and a cup of cocoa by the bed.
Daphne: He never leaves me cocoa.
Martin: You have to fill out that little card.


"Frasier: Daphne Returns (#8.19)" (2001)
[Niles has finally made love to Daphne]
Niles: You know the best part, Frasier? It wasn't at all like I had imagined.

Niles: You think I'm pretentious?
Daphne: You'd eat a worm if I gave it a French name.

Niles: Help me understand. Why is everyone acting like I've done something wrong? The only thing I am guilty of is loving Daphne, and that's all I've ever done.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes, and how did you love her? From afar. You were never in love *with* her, you were in love *at* her. Now, you've been given a chance to experience her in a real relationship and yet for some reason, you're resisting it. Rather than see her as she really is, you keep holding on to the memory.
Niles: No, that's not true.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Niles, the woman gained sixty pounds! And everyone in the world saw it but you. All you ever saw was a perfect woman in a red dress.
[long pause]
Niles: Okay. If you're right, and that's a big "if", why would I do that?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Maybe Daphne's not the only one who's afraid she won't measure up. Maybe you're afraid too. After all, if it turns out she's not perfect, then there's a chance things won't work out. Then not only will you lose Daphne, but you'll have wasted the last seven years of your life chasing an illusion.


"Frasier: The Show Must Go Off (#8.12)" (2001)
Dr. Niles Crane: Half of me feels guilty, the other half feels relieved. Actually, it's about 30-70.

Dr. Frasier Crane: Let me be frank because an artist of your caliber deserves honesty. An acting performance is a journey of discovery. This brief rehearsal time that we've given you is - is far too short to reach... Parnassus, home of the muses.
Dr. Niles Crane: Forgive us for being so blunt.

Dr. Niles Crane: Frasier, this is going to be humiliating. Not just for us, but for Jackson. What are we gonna do?
Dr. Frasier Crane: What all good producers do. We'll shut down and blame the director!


"Frasier: She's the Boss (#3.1)" (1995)
Dr. Niles Crane: Hello, Fraiser, dad, Daphne. I can't stay. I just wanted to ask a favor. Dad, can I borrow your gun?
Martin Crane: Maris taking singing lessons again?
Dr. Niles Crane: No. Our home security system is down for repairs, and no electric gates. I'll just feel safer if I'm packing heat.
Frasier: Oh, for heaven's sake, Niles. You don't even know how to pack a lunch.
Dr. Niles Crane: Dad, please. Maris is a wreck ever since she found out our entire neighborhood watch is wintering in Palm Beach.
Martin Crane: Forget it. You don't know the first thing about guns.
Dr. Niles Crane: I do so. I promise I'll open the spinny thing and check for bullets before I shoot anybody.

Martin Crane: You bought a starter's pistol?
Dr. Niles Crane: Yes. You see, as long as Maris thinks it's real, it makes her feel secure, but this way no one can get hurt.
[Niles accidentally fires the pistol and jumps on Frasier's couch in fright]
Frasier: [running in from his bedroom] What the hell was that? Was that a gunshot?
Dr. Niles Crane: [casually] Morning, Frasier. Just getting up?
Frasier: Just getting up? Are you out of your mind? A gun just went off in here!
Martin Crane: [trying to placate Frasier] Niles bought a starter's pistol.
Dr. Niles Crane: And there's no need to get snippy. Accidents happen, you know.
Frasier: Oh, I'm sorry, was I snippy? I didn't realize it was too much to ask that there not be gunplay in my living room!

Martin Crane: [refusing Niles' request to borrow his service weapon] I don't believe in civilians having guns.
Dr. Niles Crane: This isn't fair! Maris' mother gave her a gun.
Martin Crane: Well, then Maris' mother can clean up the mess after she accidentally blows your brains out.
Dr. Niles Crane: Dad, now you're talking nonsense. Maris' mother has never cleaned anything in her life.


"Frasier: The Zoo Story (#5.12)" (1998)
[Maris is witholding sex to persuade Niles to fire their marriage counselor]
Frasier: Now, now, now, Niles, withholding sex may be just as difficult on Maris. She may crumble first!
Niles: Are you serious? One hour of passion can sustain her for months. She stores it up like some sexual camel!

[during their separation, Maris visited Niles for their weekly conjugal visit]
Niles: I've never seen her look so seductive. She wore a clingy gown, crimson lipstick, even earrings, which she tends to avoid as they make her head droop. She pulled me down upon the bed and began playing my spine like a zither. And then, just as things were heating up, she renewed her request that I dismiss Doctor Wilphaum. So tremulous with desire was I that I almost relented, but then I remembered your advice, Frasier, and I said I wouldn't fire the good doctor... at which point Maris told me I wouldn't be firing anything else in the foreseeable future! And she left!

Martin: Oh, hey Niles.
Niles: Hello, Dad. Uhh, looks like we had a little mix-up last night with our bags at the video store.
Martin: Believe me, I noticed.
Niles: [gives him the tape] Yes, there you go. At first I was dismayed; I popped in the tape and there was Charles Bronson blowing away street trash. I actually got into it... it was quite suspenseful.
Martin: Yeah, well, that's the way Duke and I felt about "My Dinner With Andre." Talk about suspense! "Will they order dessert? Will they leave a good tip?"


"Frasier: Sleeping with the Enemy (#3.6)" (1995)
[Martin answers the door to Niles, a nervous wreck]
Martin Crane: Hey, Niles.
Dr. Niles Crane: Maris found a gray hair.
Martin Crane: Daphne, get Niles a brandy.
Dr. Niles Crane: It was right at the apex of her widow's peak.
Martin Crane: Better bring the bottle!
Dr. Niles Crane: She blames me, Dad. She said it's from the stress I caused her last night when I thoughtlessly turned on the light while she was getting undressed.

Martin Crane: Who made the first move? You or her?
Frasier: There was no first move. It was more like spontaneous sexual combustion.
Martin Crane: There's always a first move. Think.
Frasier: Allright. I was standing in front of her desk like so. She was facing me... Niles, you be Kate.
Dr. Niles Crane: I will not.
Frasier: Look, just stand up.
Dr. Niles Crane: I'm *always* the girl! In every prep school play I was the girl! Guinevere, Marian the Librarian, Ado Annie. Well, no more, I'm through with it! When do I get to be Shoeless Joe from Hannibal, Mo'?

Daphne: Why, you could be standing next to a person month after month, and then the next thing you know, you're tearing each other's clothes off. There's a word for it.
Dr. Niles Crane: Hope.


"Frasier: Father of the Bride (#7.2)" (1999)
Niles: Frasier, do you remember the time the Kreizel brothers tied me to their Great Dane and lobbed meatballs down their gravel driveway?
Frasier: I told you, Niles, I would have helped you, but their sister was holding me down.

Niles: If all goes well, in two weeks I shall storm the citadel of her womanhood.

[Frasier breaks the news to Niles about his new girlfriend]
Frasier: She's a prostitute.
Niles: Frasier, I don't like lawyers anymore than you do, but frankly a man whose face is plastered on every bus in town should be careful what terms he bandies about.
Frasier: Niles, "Executive Match" is an escort service! One of Donny's clients was caught using them.
Niles: I don't believe you.
Frasier: Niles, does Sabrina laugh at everything you say, is she fascinated by everything about you, even your collections?
Niles: Well, yes. Actually, I even showed her my rarely-seen collection of eighteenth-century Portuguese bud vases.
Frasier: And how did she react?
Niles: Well, if you must know, she was rather aroused. She said she loved a man who collected porcelain and... Oh my God, I'm dating a whore!


"Frasier: Roz's Turn (#4.17)" (1997)
Daphne: I should think having a lady friend would make you exercise more, not less. I don't mean to be indelicate, but a man in your condition who wants to enjoy certain, shall we say, indoor sports, should take steps to make sure that cranky old Mr. Hip doesn't, shall we say, let down the team, if you get my meaning?
Martin: Don't you worry about me. I may not be the rookie of the year any more but I can still move around the bases!
[Roz comes in]
Roz: Oh, hey, Martin.
Niles: Oh, look, a scout from the majors.

Frasier: [in pirate's voice for Roz's demo tape] Well, when my mates and I put in to port after several weeks at sea, the first thing we do is...
Niles: [in pirate's voice] Head for the antique sales.

Roz: Let's just go on to my next idea. Daphne? OK, you be the girlfriend of a couple who wants to spice things up in the bedroom. Niles, will you be her boyfriend?
Niles: [quickly] Yes.
Roz: OK.
[starts tape]
Roz: I'm here with Fred and Patty. Tell me, you two, what made you think that your sex life needs a little jump start?
Daphne: It's all his fault. He just seems to have lost interest in me. I've done everything I can to entice him. I've served dinner wearing nothing but high heels and an apron; I've called him at the office and talked dirty; and last night when he came home I was lying in bed wearing a whipped cream teddy! But did he care? No!
Roz: And none of this turns you on, Fred?
Roz: [Niles doesn't answer. He just stares into space, imagining it all. Roz gets impatient] Fred?
Niles: [snaps out of it] That's nothing, you should hear the other things that don't turn me on! Tell me about it, Patty.


"Frasier: The Show Where Sam Shows Up (#2.16)" (1995)
Sam Malone: This is strange. I gotta tell you, I didn't know he had a brother.
Niles: Frasier, I don't mind telling you I'm a little offended that all the time you spent swapping bon mots with the beer nut set you never once mentioned you had a brother?
Sam Malone: Well, you know, the truth is, I bet he said something, it's just that when Frasier gets going you kind of have to tune him out.
Niles: That's a good slogan for his radio show- "Dr. Frasier Crane, when he gets going, you have to tune him out."

[after meeting Sam's fiancee, Sheila]
Frasier: Oh my God... I slept with that woman three months ago.
[Niles and Roz gape at him]
Roz Doyle: *You* slept with *her*?
Frasier: Yes!
Niles: On what desert island with no hope of rescue was this?

Niles: Is it my imagination, or is Sam flirting with Daphne?
Frasier: Well, of course he's flirting with her. He flirts with everybody. He can't help it, he's a sexual compulsive. But he's getting help for it in a support group.
Niles: [hearing Daphne giggling in the kitchen] Did he miss a meeting?


"Frasier: The Dinner Party (#6.17)" (1999)
Frasier: [Roz enters in fancy evening dress. Daphne is to the side in a robe, she holds another dress] Oh, Roz! That's lovely!
Daphne: Oh! We have twenty minutes.
[both ladies start for Daphne's room]
Niles: What's going on?
Roz: There's a huge reception at the British Consulate tonight. Daphne got us tickets!
Daphne: [ladies continue toward Daphne's room] Who knows, Roz? You just may meet a charming British lord who'll make you a lady!
Niles: [to Frasier] At this point, I think it would take the actual Lord to make her a lady.

Niles: Why is Joaquin on such a strict diet?
Frasier: Because the Joaquin they're bringing to dinner is... their foster child! From a tiny village on the pampas. He speaks no English, and he gets nauseated when he eats American food!
Niles: [confused] So, he's not the conductor of the Buenos Aires Philharmonic?
Frasier: Oh, you are SO "that other one"!

Niles: [notices Daphne's tacky, revealing dress] Daphne, you're not actually going out in that, are you?
Daphne: [throws the dress away and falls back onto the bed] That's it, I'm staying home.
Roz: No, just try it; we can accessorize it.
Niles: With what? A lamp post and a public defender?


"Frasier: Mother Load: Part 2 (#9.13)" (2002)
Daphne Moon: It was a good idea, taking Mum out today - helped take her mind off Dad.
Dr. Niles Crane: Yeah, although I'm not sure the zoo was the best idea. The sight of those amorous wolverines seemed to set her back a bit.
Daphne Moon: Amorous? I thought they were trying to kill each other.
Dr. Niles Crane: Well, either way, it seemed to remind her of something.

Dr. Niles Crane: Well, that's, uh, that's the last of my mad money; I guess I'll have to win it back some other night.
Gertrude Moon: You better make it soon; I won't be around much longer.
Dr. Niles Crane: Not if you keep biting those filters off, you won't.

Daphne Moon: Oh, my God, look at me - I'm shaking! It just came gushing out. Once I started, I couldn't stop.
Dr. Niles Crane: I know, it's all right, it's all right - you were great. You were great - I have never been prouder of you.
Daphne Moon: I can't believe I talked to my mother that way.
Dr. Niles Crane: You must have been pretty outraged to have invented all those former lovers.
Daphne Moon: What?


"Frasier: Halloween (#5.3)" (1997)
Niles: Pardon me, I need a moment alone with my brother.
Frasier: Not now, Niles. I'm doing really well here. This pointy hat is a babe magnet.

Daphne: Join me in my bedchamber, my lord?
Frasier: After you, my juicy wench!
Niles: "My juicy wench?"
[into phone]
Niles: No, no, not you, Maris! Wait, wait!
[to Frasier]
Niles: I hope you're happy, she's run for her water pills!

Frasier: Daphne, have you seen Roz?
Daphne: Probably on the phone. Seems like every fifteen minutes she's calling her machine again. This little accident's got her pretty worried.
Frasier: She told you about it?
Niles: [tipsy, with two glasses] Champagne?
Frasier: Oh, not now, Niles. Excuse us, we need a moment alone.
[He pulls Daphne aside to a corner of the room.]
Daphne: Roz told me all about it. It's no big deal. Accidents happen even when you're being careful. I had one meself a few years back.
Frasier: Oh, Daphne, really?
Daphne: Yeah. It was one of those real wham-bam numbers. He was drunk and I wasn't paying attention...
Frasier: Oh...
Daphne: I called and called, but never got a penny out of him.
Frasier: I had no idea!
Daphne: Oh, it's not that bad. For goodness' sake, back in Manchester, what with all those drunken louts out and about, it must have happened to me at least a dozen times.


"Frasier: The Return of Martin Crane (#9.4)" (2001)
Dr. Niles Crane: [flashback; Maris' car has been booted] Dad, Maris is very upset. And so am I. I can't believe you booted her.
Martin Crane: Hey, I wouldn't be upset if you booted her.
[Martin and Frank laugh, slapping hands under the table]

Dr. Niles Crane: Hey, Frasier, uh, if you're interested, I have two tickets to tonight's throat singing concert.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Don't toy with me, Niles.
Martin Crane: What the hell is throat singing?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, dad, it's an extraordinary technique where a single vocalist can actually produce two distinct tones simultaneously, allowing him to harmonize with himself.
Martin Crane: Kind of like the Everly Brothers?
Dr. Frasier Crane: If they shared a throat and came from Mongolia, yes.

Dr. Niles Crane: You know, Frasier, you could catch the first two hours of throat singing and still get back in time to walk Eddie.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, Niles, you know damn well the throats are just starting to warm up after two hours.


"Frasier: The 1000th Show (#5.5)" (1997)
Frasier: Where was I?
Niles: You were last seen climbing Mount Ego.

Niles: That man tried to assault me with a fish!

Niles: I'm surprised the trains are even running on "Frasier Crane Day".


"Frasier: The Life of the Party (#5.22)" (1998)
Frasier: I'm getting desperate here.
Dr. Niles Crane: Don't obsess about this. My love life's not much better than yours, but you don't see me going off the deep end.
Frasier: Oh, really? Did it ever occur to you that this recent antique-buying binge you've been on is nothing but a way of sublimating your frustrated sexual desires?
Dr. Niles Crane: That's preposterous! These purchases have nothing to do with sex.
Frasier: Oh, don't they? In addition to the loveseat, let's see, your most recent acquisitions have been: a French bed- warmer, a pair of Toby jugs... the less said about that Civil War ramrod, the better.
Dr. Niles Crane: Oh, you Freudians! Sometimes a ramrod is just a... oh hell, even I can't make that one fly.

Dr. Niles Crane: I don't think we're really quite hard up enough yet to stage a singles party.
Martin Crane: Ok, suit yourself. Well, we'll just get ready for the evening. I'll dish out the spaghetti, and you guys set up the card table. I got us a new jigsaw puzzle. Ten thousand pieces. It's called "The Wheat Field."
Frasier: I'll send the invitations.
Dr. Niles Crane: I'll call the caterer.

Frasier: I mean, murderers on death row can find women to marry them! I can't find one to sit through coffee!
Dr. Niles Crane: It's easy for those men to attract women, they have all that time to work out in the yard.


"Frasier: The Adventures of Bad Boy and Dirty Girl (#3.7)" (1995)
Niles: Oh, look at the time! I, er, have a session with my multiple personality. Not to worry. If I'm late, he can just talk amongst himself.

[Martin and Daphne are playing dominoes and listening to the radio]
Announcer: In local news, Congressman Robert Gill was accused of taking bribes from a waste treatment facility. Asked to comment, the Congressman said...
[Frasier's voice cuts in]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes! YES! I am a bad boy, aren't I, you dirty girl! Come to your bad boy, oh *yes*...!
[Martin and Daphne stare at the radio; cut to Niles, listening to this in his car]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, no! Is that the on-air light?
Kate Costas: Stop talking.
Dr. Frasier Crane: You must have hit the switch with your elbow while we were...
Kate Costas: Stop talking.
Dr. Frasier Crane: We'd better hurry up and get dressed before...
Niles: STOP TALKING!
[distracted, he looks up, and brakes hard, but crashes into the car in front of him]

Niles: [to Frasier] I listened to your program as I was driving home last night. Here's a bill to replace the front grille of my Mercedes and another to repair the back bumper of some wretched little domestic car.


"Frasier: Duke's, We Hardly Knew Ye (#2.5)" (1994)
Frasier: What say we go celebrate with a nice dinner at an exclusive boite?
Niles: Yes, but the question remains, what boite?
Frasier: Charise?
Niles: Too noisy.
Frasier: Alsace?
Niles: Too bright.
Frasier: Papillion?
Niles: Too crowded.
Frasier: We've run out of boites.
Niles: A city this size and only three boites.
Frasier: How do we live?

Niles: [smelling Daphne's perfume] Is that "Forbidden"?
Frasier: In every sense of the word.

[Frasier and Niles wonder why Martin invited them to Duke's Bar]
Daphne: Could it be that he just wants to lift a pint with his sons?
Niles: No. Duke's is where dad hangs out with his cop buddies. It's where he goes to escape the stresses, strains, and petty annoyances of everyday life.
Frasier: In other words, us.


"Frasier: Odd Man Out (#4.23)" (1997)
Frasier: I just can't picture Maris in Dad's '82 Impala.
Niles: Neither could she, at first. I'll never forget the look of wonder on her face at touching vinyl for the first time. She said it made her feel cheap and dirty, and she liked it. I was her first bad boy.

Daphne: [Frasier walks in just after Niles zipped his tie into Daphne's dress] I was just about to step right out of this dress and embarrass poor Dr Crane to death.
Niles: Well, we all have to die of something.

Niles: I met someone once flying home from college. I got bumped into first class, found myself sitting there next to a positively ravishing woman. She was a bit older and I was trying desperately to be suave, so when she leaned over and suggested we join the Mile High Club, rather than admit I was unfamiliar with the term, I whispered back, "I really don't travel enough to make that worthwhile." God, that was twenty years ago.
[starts to chuckle, then]
Niles: Nope, still can't laugh about it.


"Frasier: Rooms with a View (#10.8)" (2002)
Dr. Niles Crane: Oh, this one's from your mom.
[he opens a note card]
Dr. Niles Crane: "Dear Niles, I know we haven't always gotten along..."
[confused, he checks the back and finds nothing further]
Dr. Niles Crane: Isn't that sweet?

[Frasier's blathering before Niles' surgery is annoying Niles]
Roz Doyle: I'm so sorry you have to go through all this, Niles.
Dr. Niles Crane: Oh, I'm pretty used to him by now.
Dr. Niles Crane: Oh, right, the - yes.

Dr. Niles Crane: All roads lead to the hospital. We're born here, we get sick here, we get well here, all these big dramatic moments in the hospital just gobbles me up. Do you think a hospital has memories? I bet it does. I bet when I walked in it thought, 'Oh you again. You're the little boy who broke his leg in 1966, hello old friend!' Wow, a talking hospital, that would be cool. When're these drugs going to kick in? I don't know why I need surgery, this is the best I've felt.


"Frasier: Roz in the Doghouse (#2.12)" (1995)
Dr. Niles Crane: You think you had a bad week? This morning, Maris and I woke to the sound of our gardener Yoshi hacking his way through our prized topiary.
Frasier: Well Niles, I've never understood why you wanted your hedges to be sculpted into the shapes of animals.
Dr. Niles Crane: Well, we're both animal lovers, but Maris is unable to have pets. She
[short pause]
Dr. Niles Crane: ... distrusts anything that loves her unconditionally.

Dr. Niles Crane: Anyway, there was Yoshi, drunk as a lord, swinging his hedge trimmers wildly over his head. Before we could calm him, he had transformed Maris's prize stallion into some sort of obscene... goat-boy. The poor woman is inconsolable.

Frasier: Oh, Roz, Bulldog knows the blunt approach won't work with you, so he's being more subtle. But, his ultimate goal remains to... well, to...
Roz: [sharply] To what?
Dr. Niles Crane: To play Æneas to your Dido.
[pause]
Dr. Niles Crane: Sorry you had to hear that, Daphne.


"Frasier: Room Service (#5.15)" (1998)
[Frasier finds Niles in Lilith's hotel room, and realizes they have slept together]
Lilith: If you could look at this rationally for one moment: we didn't actually do anything wrong.
Frasier: [incredulous] What? You didn't do anything wrong?
Niles: I'm a little unclear on that myself, but I'm willing to go along with it!

Lilith: Niles, sorry to hear your marriage ended in a shambles.
Niles: Ditto.

Frasier: [on Lilith] Her husband has left her, and get this: for a man.
Niles: Damn! I owe Dad five dollars.


"Frasier: Shrink Rap (#3.2)" (1995)
Niles: I hope you're happy!
Frasier: If I were, Doctor, you'd never know it!

Daphne: [in flashback, talking to Frasier] I don't know how you put up with him.
Niles: [cut to present time in a shrink's office] LIAR! LIAR! Daphne never said that!
Frasier: Well, she said it with body language.
Niles: I happen to be fluent in that language, and she said no such thing!

Niles: Are you insane?
Frasier: If I were, DOCTOR, you'd never know!


"Frasier: Taking Liberties (#8.5)" (2000)
Dr. Niles Crane: You know the saying, Ferguson. "Champagne after sherry makes the tummy grow wary."
Ferguson: You have your brother's wit, sir.

Dr. Niles Crane: No, Mel, why don't you listen for once? I'm through.
Dr. Mel Karnofsky: I'll tell you when you're through, you spineless twit, and you're not even close!
Dr. Frasier Crane: [awkwardly to his party guests] Opera time! Opera time! On to the show.
Dr. Niles Crane: That's it, Mel, I'm sick of these games.
Dr. Mel Karnofsky: Niles, don't make a scene.
Dr. Niles Crane: I don't care. I love Daphne. And I'm not putting her through this torture another second. This sham of a marriage is over.

Dr. Niles Crane: Frasier, I'm... I'm sorry I ruined your evening.
Dr. Frasier Crane: It's all right, Niles. It's a small price to pay to finally see you and Daphne together.


"Frasier: To Tell the Truth (#6.15)" (1999)
Niles: Tomorrow everyone will know, including Daphne. And this is how she's going to find out. I wanted to whisper it to her over a candlelight dinner, not have it read back to her by a court stenographer.

Donny Douglas: [smelling Daphne's hair] That scent is wonderful, what is it?
Niles: [turning away, quietly to himself] Cherry bark and almonds.

Donny Douglas: Now, look, they're also going to allege that during the separation, Niles was wasteful with money.
Niles: Wha...? She's calling ME wasteful?
Donny Douglas: Mmm-hmm.
Niles: Do you recall what she used to do when one of our dogs needed a shampoo?
Frasier: Yes, she'd fill the bathtub with Evian!
Niles: Half the time she'd just get a new dog!


"Frasier: Ham Radio (#4.18)" (1997)
Dr. Niles Crane: [as the German butler, Hans] All right, all right, it's true! I'm not what I appear! None of us is! I'm not a butler; I'm not even...
[in normal voice]
Dr. Niles Crane: ... German.
Dr. Niles Crane: Sit down, Inspector, you're about to hear a fascinating tale. Each of us holds a piece of the puzzle to relate to you.
[Frasier is directing Niles, to Niles' dismay]
Dr. Niles Crane: When we're finished, you'll know the full, dark tale.
Roz: [In an odd voice] Are you sure we should, Hans?
Dr. Niles Crane: Be quiet, Mother!
[Frasier cues organ music and continues directing Niles]
Dr. Niles Crane: Mother and I moved here after the tragic death of my father.
[Angrily]
Dr. Niles Crane: I kept the pain of that loss buried deep within me like a... serpent... coiled within a... dark... cave.
[Fed up with Frasier]
Dr. Niles Crane: Okay, that's it. Never mind all that. I'm just going to take this gun off the table.
[Fake gunshot]
Dr. Niles Crane: So long, O'Toole; I guess we'll never get to hear your fascinating piece of the puzzle.
[Two fake gunshots]
Dr. Niles Crane: Or yours, Kraegan and *Peppo!* Could the McCallister sisters stand back to back, I'm short on bullets?
[Fake gunshot]
Dr. Niles Crane: Thank you.
[to Roz]
Dr. Niles Crane: What was your name again, dear?
Roz: Ms. Thorndyke...
Dr. Niles Crane: [Fake gunshot] Thank you. Oh, and also Mr. Wing
[Fake gunshot, and sound of muted bell on Mr. Wing's hat]
Dr. Niles Crane: . And, of course, one final bullet for myself, so the mystery will die with me
[Fake gunshot]
Dr. Niles Crane: .
Dr. Niles Crane: [Weakly] HA.

Dr. Niles Crane: [as the German butler, Hans] All right, all right, it's true! I'm not what I appear! None of us is! I'm not a butler; I'm not even...
[in normal voice]
Dr. Niles Crane: ...German. Sit down, Inspector, you're about to hear a fascinating tale. Each of us holds a piece of the puzzle to relate to you.
[Frasier is directing Niles, to Niles' dismay]
Dr. Niles Crane: When we're finished, you'll know the full, dark tale.
Roz: [in an odd voice] Are you sure we should, Hans?
Dr. Niles Crane: Be quiet, mother!
[Frasier cues organ music and continues directing Niles]
Dr. Niles Crane: Mother and I moved here after the tragic death of my father.
[as Frasier directs, Niles gets more and more frustrated]
Dr. Niles Crane: I kept the pain of that loss buried deep within me like a... serpent... coiled within a... dark... cave. Okay, that's it! Never mind all that. I'm just going to take this gun off the table.
[fake gunshot]
Dr. Niles Crane: So long, O'Toole; I guess we'll never get to hear your fascinating piece of the puzzle.
[two fake gunshots]
Dr. Niles Crane: Or yours, Kraegan and *Peppo*! Could the McCallister sisters stand back to back? I'm short on bullets.
[fake gunshot]
Dr. Niles Crane: Thank you.
[to Roz]
Dr. Niles Crane: What was your name again, dear?
Roz: Mrs. Thorndyke.
Dr. Niles Crane: [fake gunshot] Thank you. Oh, and also Mr. Wing.
[fake gunshot, and sound of muted bell on Mr. Wing's hat]
Dr. Niles Crane: And, of course, one final bullet for myself, so the mystery will die with me.
[fake gunshot]
Dr. Niles Crane: [weakly] HA.

Frasier: I spoke with the station manager. He's given me thirty minutes to recreate the very first mystery KACL ever aired, "Nightmare Inn".
Martin: Oh, don't tell me... a bunch of people get caught in a storm, and everybody's wondering who's going to be the first one murdered.
Frasier: Exactly. And I'm going to direct.
Dr. Niles Crane: So we can stop wondering.


"Frasier: Beware of Greeks (#5.16)" (1998)
Dr. Niles Crane: It's a moot point. We're not invited, thanks to Frasier's more-than-usually inept advice.
Martin Crane: Can you imagine what it's like to live in the same city as your brother and not see him for five years?
Dr. Frasier Crane: No, but I'd like to give it a try.

[at the rehearsal dinner]
Dr. Niles Crane: Well, I hope you enjoy yourself, Mr. Blessed-Are-The-Peacemakers!
Dr. Frasier Crane: Will you stop complaining? The rehearsal went beautifully. Cousin Yvonne didn't get near you.
Dr. Niles Crane: How could she? I spent half the time hiding in the confessional! By the way, Mrs. Pappas is having an affair.

Aunt Zora Crane: You know, I am so glad you are coming to the wedding. There is nothing sadder than a divided family, am I right?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Quite right.
Dr. Niles Crane: Absolutely, absolutely. When Frasier told me we weren't invited to the wedding, I was...
Cousin Yvonne: There you are, Niles!
Dr. Niles Crane: Just kill me now.


"Frasier: The Seal Who Came to Dinner (#6.8)" (1998)
Martin Crane: Isn't that breaking and entering?
Dr. Niles Crane: Oh pish, it can't be a crime if it's catered.

Officer McLean: Sorry, people, nobody can leave. This is a crime scene.
Dr. Niles Crane: Well, it certainly would be a crime if we missed that dinner!

Dr. Frasier Crane: [Frasier and Niles are entering Maris' beach house, which has a burglar alarm] I hope you're right about the alarm code, Niles. People do change them.
Dr. Niles Crane: Maris will never change this one. It's her ideal weight, what she weighed at her debutante ball.
[enters the alarm code on the control panel inside]
Dr. Niles Crane: This many pounds and that many ounces.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Good Lord! No one could weigh that and live!


"Frasier: High Holidays (#11.11)" (2003)
[Frederick, a Goth, answers the door to his girlfriend, Andi, another Goth]
Frederick Gaylord Crane: Hey.
Andi: Hey.
Frederick Gaylord Crane: Well, see ya.
[They leave]
Dr. Niles Crane: Well, at least he's not dating outside the faith.

[Niles mistakenly believes he has ingested marijuana]
Dr. Niles Crane: I know all the symptoms I can expect to experience. I'm especially looking forward to something called the "munchies" stage. It's where one enjoys bizarre food combinations. I'm thinking of pairing this Chilean sea bass with an aggressive Zinfandel!


"Frasier: Boo! (#11.16)" (2004)
Dr. Niles Crane: [doorbell rings] That'll be Daphne.
Martin Crane: She's not cooking, is she? I just got out of the hospital!

Dr. Niles Crane: [looking at Frasier in his clown costume] Look at you. You just stand there with a smile on your face.
Dr. Frasier Crane: That's make-up, you idiot!


"Frasier: The First Temptation of Daphne (#9.3)" (2001)
Daphne Moon: I know you're angry, but please say something.
Dr. Niles Crane: Angry doesn't begin to describe it.
Daphne Moon: Niles...
Dr. Niles Crane: You have violated this person's privacy. If she found out, I... they could suspend my license.
Daphne Moon: I am so sorry.
Dr. Niles Crane: And you don't trust me. How could you possibly think there could be somebody else?
Daphne Moon: Because I was "somebody else".
Dr. Niles Crane: What?
Daphne Moon: You were married to two other women while you claimed to have been in love with me. And now that we're together, how can I be sure - really sure - that there won't ever be another somebody else?
Dr. Niles Crane: Because I would never... because this time, it's different. Our love is different. It's not based on somebody's expectations or-or... anything I'm supposed to be. Uh... when I was with Maris, or with Mel, I found myself thinking about you. Going about my day or, uh... even when I was in a session. I found myself thinking about you. Well, now we're together. I find myself thinking about you. It's not going to stop.

Dr. Niles Crane: [Daphne has read one of his patient files] Those files are confidential. How could you?
Daphne Moon: Look, before you get going, you should probably know...
Dr. Niles Crane: No, there's no excuse. That is the worst thing you could have done.
Daphne Moon: You would think so.


"Frasier: The Wizard and Roz (#8.20)" (2001)
[Daphne's psychic tester arrives]
Dr. Sheldon Morey: Actually I'm a professor of psychiatry at Seattle University.
Dr. Niles Crane: Really? Please, have a seat.
Dr. Sheldon Morey: Thank you.
Dr. Niles Crane: So... you're more of a debunker.
Dr. Sheldon Morey: Well, no, not at all. Actually, I apply scientific principles to the search for paranormal phenomena. Believe me, nothing would make me happier than discovering a legitimate psychic.
Dr. Niles Crane: Oh, so then you've never found one.
Dr. Sheldon Morey: Well, if by "psychic" you mean people with above-normal prescience, then a few. If you mean somebody who could beat the house in Vegas, then no.
[drifting off]
Dr. Sheldon Morey: I thought I had one for a while, but, uh... no.

Dr. Niles Crane: Uh, if you two don't mind, Daphne's psychic evaluator is on the way over and we'd like to use the living room.
Martin Crane: Oh, fine by me. That stuff creeps me out anyway.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Niles I still can't believe you ever agreed to this. Those tests are based on nothing more than subjective evidence and lucky guesses.
Daphne Moon: Yes, nothing at all like the subjective evidence and lucky guesses psychiatry is based on.
Martin Crane: [smugly] Thank you.


"Frasier: Fool Me Once, Shame on You, Fool Me Twice... (#2.14)" (1995)
Frasier: You know, I have to tell you, Niles, I'm feeling rather good about this whole thing. Well, granted, I did lose my wallet and my favorite suit, but still, you know, mostly everything else was intact: my... my date book, my... my spare set of car keys, my fountain pen. But best of all, what has remained intact is my sense that people are basically trustworthy.
Dr. Niles Crane: Frasier, the person who has your car keys asked you to meet him here, knowing you'd bring your car?
Frasier: Now, now, before you launch into one of your little paranoid riffs, my car happens to be...
[Frasier turns around and looks out the window]
Frasier: ...moving down the street! Oh my god!
[Frasier and Niles run out of the cafe]
Frasier: Stop! Stop that well-dressed man!

Dr. Niles Crane: [awkwardly making conversation with Roz] So... that's a nice jacket.
Roz Doyle: Thank you.
Dr. Niles Crane: It's offbeat.
Roz Doyle: And what is that supposed to mean, 'offbeat'?
Dr. Niles Crane: Well...
Roz Doyle: No, wait, I think I know exactly what it means. Offbeat as in cheap. Well, excuse me for not being rich enough to shop at the International House of Tight Ass like you and Maris the heiress! That is what you meant, right?
Dr. Niles Crane: Yes, but I had no idea you'd pick up on it!
Roz Doyle: Then you were insulting me.
Dr. Niles Crane: Yes, but you got in a couple of good shots yourself.


"Frasier: No Sex Please, We're Skittish (#11.1)" (2003)
Roz Doyle: I can't believe I left KACL over some stupid snit.
Dr. Niles Crane: Oh yes, yes, your ultimatum. Frasier told me about that. Listen, this isn't an easy subject to broach, but is it possible you're in love with Frasier?
Roz Doyle: Absolutely not.
Dr. Niles Crane: You sound sure.
Roz Doyle: I am sure. I mean, if I were going to fall for him it would have been two years ago when we slept together.
Dr. Niles Crane: Well then, another theory I'd like to explore is... HO, BACK UP!

Dr. Niles Crane: So, you're not in love. But your behavior last night clearly indicates some sort of crisis. As a psychiatrist...
Roz Doyle: I just want my job back. I'm not looking for some big therapy trip.
Dr. Niles Crane: All right. Well, why don't you just sweep your emotions under the rug and waltz back to the station as if nothing ever happened?
Roz Doyle: That's *perfect*! Thanks!
Dr. Niles Crane: No, no. I was being facetious. My real advice would be...
Roz Doyle: I know, talk about my feelings. Blah, blah, woof, woof. I gotta go, Niles. Thanks again!


"Frasier: A Cranes' Critique (#4.4)" (1996)
[Niles notices Roz checking out a man]
Niles: Are you quite finished undressing him with your eyes?
Roz: Oh, please. I'm already looking for my stockings and trying to remember where I parked my car.

[Niles sees an author that he and Frasier idolized]
Roz: Well, why don't you go over and introduce yourself?
Niles: I can't just walk up to a god like that.
Roz: Well, find a subtler way.
Niles: In your vernacular that would be what? To slingshot your panties across the street?


"Frasier: The Show Where Lilith Comes Back (#1.16)" (1994)
Niles: At our wedding, while Maris was reciting her vows, which she wrote herself - vows of love from the heart - I distinctly heard snickering. I glanced behind me and there was Lilith, her fingers pressed hard against her lips, her body shaking like a paint mixer.

Niles: Well, I guess I'll say my goodbyes as well. Goodnight, Frasier.
[ignores Lilith]
Frasier: Oh, this is ridiculous! Listen, Lilith, uh, Niles is upset because you snickered at Maris's wedding vows.
Lilith: I simply responded with the genuine spontaneous emotion I was feeling at the moment. But, if Niles is not mature enough to accept that, if he is so pitifully insecure, if he is in such need of validation, then I guess for some sense of familial harmony, I do apologize.
Niles: Oh, Lilith, thank you!
[hugs her tight]
Niles: Oh, this bad blood between us has gone on far too long! Next time you're in town, we'll have dinner, just you and me!
Frasier: [Niles leaves. Lilith looks at Frasier] He doesn't get that kind of validation at home, you see.


"Frasier: It's Hard to Say Goodbye If You Won't Leave (#3.10)" (1996)
Dr. Frasier Crane: I'm having fantasies about her all the time.
Martin Crane: Well there's nothing wrong with that. You know, when I first met your mother she was so upbeat and bouncy I used to fantasize about her wearing a skimpy little cheerleader's outfit, shaking her pom-poms...
Dr. Frasier Crane, Dr. Niles Crane: Dad!
Martin Crane: Grow up, you two! I'm just saying it's perfectly natural. I can't tell you the number of times I was on a stake-out in the cold, picturing your mother in front of a warm fire wearing nothing but a...
Dr. Frasier Crane, Dr. Niles Crane: DAD!
Martin Crane: Oh, I'm sorry. One day your mother and I went on a church picnic and the two of you came floating down the river in little wicker baskets!

Dr. Niles Crane: Dad, you sounded lonely, so I rented some movies.
Martin Crane: Oh, didn't you know? The VCR's broken.
Dr. Niles Crane: No subtitles this time.
Martin Crane: Oh, that's right, I got it fixed. What did you bring?
Dr. Niles Crane: Uh, I have "The Way We Were" and a classic - "Casablanca"
Daphne Moon: Oh, I just love that movie. Is there any more heartbreaking moment in all of film than when Humphrey Bogart tells Ingrid Bergman to get on that plane with Victor Laszlo even though Bogey loves her? What an ending.
Dr. Niles Crane: Well, there goes my need to finally see that one.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Hmm. He cares deeply for her and yet he lets her go. I wonder why Bogey did that?
Dr. Niles Crane: Why don't we put the movie in and find out?
Daphne Moon: Because Laszlo needed her by his side to fight the Nazis.
Martin Crane: Oh, forget the Nazis. No man in his right mind would give up Ingrid Bergman.
Daphne Moon: Oh, sure - sacrifice the entire free world for a little Swedish meatball.


"Frasier: Can't Buy Me Love (#1.14)" (1994)
[Niles watches Martin working out a chess problem]
Niles: Uh-uh.
[Martin reaches for another piece]
Niles: Mmm-mmm.
Martin: All right, what would you do?
Niles: Well, for starters, I'd take that corn-nut off the board.
Martin: That corn-nut's my bishop. Eddie ate the real one.
Niles: In that case, Corn-nut to Rook Seven.

Niles: She's been afraid to fly since her harrowing incident.
Daphne: Oh dear... Did a plane almost crash?
Niles: No, she was bumped from first class. She still wakes up screaming.


"Frasier: Goodnight, Seattle: Part 1 (#11.23)" (2004)
Dr. Niles Crane: Frasier...!
Dr. Frasier Crane: Niles...!
Dr. Frasier Crane, Dr. Niles Crane: Disaster!

Dr. Frasier Crane: [regarding Daphne's mumbling brother, Stephen] Do you have any idea what he's saying?
Dr. Niles Crane: Not a word. Apparently Stephen was dropped as a child.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, I thought the mumbler was Michael.
Dr. Niles Crane: He was dropped on Michael. The idea that our son might take after them is making me crazy!
Dr. Frasier Crane: Now Niles, just remember, those hearty Crane genes are in there, too.
Dr. Niles Crane: Oh, please. Those Moon genes have probably beaten our genes up and stolen their lunch money!


"Frasier: A Day in May (#8.23)" (2001)
Dr. Niles Crane: Hey Roz, hello Alice. What brings you here?
Roz Doyle: Oh, Frasier loaned me his car, I backed mine into a telephone pole.
Dr. Frasier Crane: You said you were getting a tune-up!
Roz Doyle: [leaving hastily] It needs one, trust me!

Dr. Niles Crane: I'd hardly call this a dog park. It's more like a dog... orgy. Whose beagles are those?
Daphne Moon: Don't stare, it only encourages them.


"Frasier: Kisses Sweeter Than Wine (#3.5)" (1995)
Frasier: Would you mind if I moved your chair into your room until after the tasting?
Martin: Forget it. You might as well ask me to stay in my room.
Niles: Which takes care of the second favour.

Niles: [about Daphne] She deserves a doctor, or a lawyer - someone for whom a T-shirt is an undergarment!


"Frasier: First Do No Harm (#6.5)" (1998)
Frasier: You know, you're jealous. You're jealous that I'm having sex. Jealous that I'm having hot, passionate, sweaty jungle sex. What are you having?
[he doesn't notice the waitress behind him]
Niles: I'm having a latte.

Frasier: You know, maybe there's still time to win her back.
Martin: Well, it'd take a pretty big bouquet of flowers to do that.
Frasier: I don't know, Dad. Maybe if I just explain to her what really happened, she'll forgive me. Sometimes the best apology is just the truth.
Niles: You mean you're going to tell her you thought she was prostituting herself for therapy but now you've decided that's OK?
Frasier: ...Well, not that truth. Some other truth.


"Frasier: Tales from the Crypt (#10.5)" (2002)
Dr. Niles Crane: Only last night, Mrs. Moon challenged a trick-or-treater, and he responded by pelting our door with eggs.
Gertrude Moon: Yeah, but I got the little monster back, by putting a big, greasy glob of Vaseline on his doorknob!
Dr. Niles Crane: You said you'd put an end to it!
Gertrude Moon: Hence the Vaseline.
Daphne Crane: Mum, he's a child!
Gertrude Moon: Well, it's time he learned you don't mess with Gertrude Moon without incurring my wrath. Now, excuse me, I require cocoa.

[a neighbor's trash can topples into Niles's apartment]
Beverly: Jason, get back here! It seems our children have been feuding. We're very embarrassed.
Dr. Niles Crane: You're embarrassed?
[points to Gertrude]
Dr. Niles Crane: Meet our daughter.


"Frasier: When a Man Loves Two Women (#6.21)" (1999)
Frasier: To be fair, she was the first to plant her flag on Terra Frasier.
Niles: I'm starting to think Napoleon had a Frasier complex.

[after Frasier has ushered both Faye and Cassandra from his apartment early one morning]
Niles: Got any more hiding in the grotto, Hef?


"Frasier: The Two Hundredth (#9.8)" (2001)
Frasier: That's it. I'm quirky. I'm delightfully quirky.
Dr. Niles Crane: Do you realize that your delightful quirk has brought your life to a standstill?
Frasier: Niles, I've just finished my two thousandth show. I'm exhausted, physically and emotionally. I believe that I am entitled to an entire weekend of doing nothing, don't you?
Dr. Niles Crane: Do you know you have your pajamas on backwards?
Frasier: Another delightful quirk of mine.
Dr. Niles Crane: Not from where I'm sitting.

Dr. Niles Crane: All right, I'll get the car.
Frasier: I'll put on some pants.
Dr. Niles Crane: Zipper goes in front.


"Frasier: Space Quest (#1.2)" (1993)
Dr. Frasier Crane: Thank you, Niles. You're a good brother and a credit to the psychiatric profession.
Dr. Niles Crane: You're a good brother, too.

Dr. Frasier Crane: Niles, I don't know what I'm going to do. I can't read my book. I can't have my coffee. I can't have any peace in my own home.
Dr. Niles Crane: So, what you're saying is that you want to be closer to Dad. You just don't actually want him around.


"Frasier: Shutout in Seattle: Part 2 (#6.24)" (1999)
Niles: She's breathed new life into me.
[Niles' new girlfriend coughs loudly while smoking a cigarette]
Frasier: You may have to return the favor.

Niles: Hey, Kit, there's something I wanted to talk to you about later.
Kit: Just talk to me now. You know you can tell me anything.
Niles: No, I'd rather do it after your shift.
Kit: You have such a serious face.
[jokingly]
Kit: What, are we breaking up or something?
Niles: Well...
Kit: [Kit drops her tray, shattering coffee cups and drawing the attention of the whole café] Oh my God! You just dumped me? Right here where I work in front of everyone I wait on?
Niles: That's okay, we'll go outside.
Kit: Give me an answer!
Niles: Kit, Kit, calm down ...
Kit: You're tired of me? Is that what it is?
Niles: It's all right ...
Kit: You've had enough of me? I gave you everything and you used me! Sex, sex, sex! The way you come to bed every night - wanting it, begging for it!
Niles: I never had to beg!
Kit: I'm just a whore to you, aren't I?
Niles: No, don't say that!
Kit: That's all I am, your whore! Your whore from the café!
[stomps out]


"Frasier: Shutout in Seattle: Part 1 (#6.23)" (1999)
[Niles and Roz share a late-night coffee at the cafe]
Dr. Niles Crane: I'm sorry, Roz, I'm afraid I'm not going to be very good company tonight.
Roz Doyle: Well, whatever your problems are, you'll laugh at them when you hear what I've been through. I had a date tonight. I got halfway down my driveway when he called me on my car phone and cancelled. I was too humiliated to go back in the house and face the sitter, so - don't ask me why - I went to the zoo. You really want to feel good about yourself? Put on your best outfit and walk through the monkey house on a Saturday night. And be sure and stop by and see Remo the baboon, who knows all kinds of ways to have fun without a date. Feeling better about your problem?
Dr. Niles Crane: Daphne and Donny got engaged yesterday.
Roz Doyle: Oh my God...
Dr. Niles Crane: Yeah, and lucky me, I had to sit there and watch, horrified. There wasn't a thing I could to do stop it. Much like your monkey house experience.

Frasier: You know, this is sort of a surprise, I guess. We didn't expect to see the two of you together.
Kit: [her arms around Niles] Oh, I had my eye him from the minute I saw him. He's always so neatly put together. I just couldn't wait to mess him up!
Dr. Niles Crane: And mission accomplished!
Frasier: So, Niles, you haven't seen Maris then since Sunday?
Dr. Niles Crane: Oh, is that who you thought I was here with? That's funny. No wonder you were upset.
Kit: Who's Maris?
Dr. Niles Crane: My ex-wife.
Kit: Well, if you want to see her too, that's cool. I told you, no strings... Just FUN!
Martin Crane: You always want your kids to have more than you had.


"Frasier: The Impossible Dream (#4.3)" (1996)
Niles: [demonstrating word association] Crescent... moon... Daphne Moon... French maid... brass bed... satin robe...
Frasier: This is my dream.
Niles: I was just showing you the process.
Frasier: You were three words away from a cigarette!

Niles: In this dream of yours, were there any cigars, bananas, or short, blunt swords?


"Frasier: Dad Loves Sherry, the Boys Just Whine (#4.9)" (1997)
Sherry: I just love making people laugh. I think humor is like medicine.
Niles: [aside] Oh, we must be in the placebo group.

Daphne Moon: [to Sherry] You know, I keep meaning to ask, what's that lovely perfume you're wearing?
Frasier: Yes, I've been wondering that myself.
Sherry: It's called Milady's Boudoir. You wouldn't believe what a bargain it is. For a hundred bucks, I can buy enough to drown myself in.
Niles: [to Frasier] I've got 60.
Frasier: Yeah.


"Frasier: Back Talk (#7.10)" (1999)
Frasier: I for one am...
[spasm of pain]
Frasier: God Almighty!
Niles: Well, no wonder you're stressed, you've got a whole universe to run.

[Frasier has fallen into his father's chair, delirious from taking medication for his back pain]
Niles: Oh my God - did you fall?
Frasier: No, I - you know I'm actually quite comfortable Niles! Look:
[Frasier motions towards television cabinet]
Frasier: There's no glare on the television! And here's a lovely place to set your drink!
[Frasier places his hand limply on TV tray and looks up at Niles with wide eyes]
Niles: Just give me your hand and whatever the chair is telling you, don't listen.
Frasier: No, Niles, no! It's helping my back, actually. You know - and when you sit in it, you don't have to look at it!


"Frasier: Big Crane on Campus (#7.14)" (2000)
[cooking with Daphne]
Niles: Whisk.
[she hands it to him, he whisks]
Niles: Spoon.
[she hands it to him, he stirs]
Niles: Cheese cloth.
[she wipes his brow; the oven pings]
Niles: Perfect timing. Daphne, open the oven.
[he places it in the oven]
Niles: Ready.
Daphne: Shall I close, Dr. Crane?
Niles: Please.
Daphne: Do you think it'll be all right?
Niles: It's out of our hands now, Daphne.

Frasier: Hello, Niles. How are you?
Niles: Fine. Although the oddest thing just happened.
Frasier: Oh, that man on the corner's name is Pete. If you give him a dollar his monkey won't make those rude gestures.
Niles: No, this is about Daphne. I burned my hand while I was cooking and she began putting first aid cream on it and in a very tender way and then, em, dad came in and she jumped as if she felt guilty. Is it possible Daphne has feelings for me?
Frasier: No.
Niles: Ah well, as long as you've considered it from all angles!
Frasier: If she was tender it was because you burnt your hand, if she jumped it was because dad startled her. Come on, Niles, can't you see what's really going on here?
Niles: Well, obviously I haven't a clue. I thought that man's monkey was waving hello.


"Frasier: Trophy Girlfriend (#10.15)" (2003)
[Frasier and Chelsea bring home a trophy]
Dr. Niles Crane: [to Niles] But I don't want you moping around here if your brother wins one and you don't.
Dr. Niles Crane: Oh please, Dad, I'm a little more mature than that.
Martin Crane: No, you're not. It still bugs you that his name comes first alphabetically.
Dr. Niles Crane: Well, that was your fault!

[about Frasier and Chelsea's trophy]
Martin Crane: Well, I'm proud of both of you. And squash might not be the toughest of sports, but it's still technically a sport.
Chelsea: What? Squash can be pretty tough!
[Martin scoffs]
Chelsea: Oh, no, no, no, no. I once saw a guy break his leg in a mid-court collision. The bone was poking through his skin, and he still finished the point.
Martin Crane: [to Niles] That's the game you guys play?
Dr. Niles Crane: [fighting nausea] Hell, yeah!


"Frasier: Death and the Dog (#4.12)" (1997)
Niles: I've always liked the notion of meeting the great figures of history. But then I think, what if it's like high school and all the really cool dead people don't want to hang out with me?

Frasier: [a doggie shrink has come to examine depressed Eddie] I don't whether my father told you, but my brother and I happen to be psychiatrists.
Dr. Arnold Shaw: Oh, how nice, I always enjoy being in company of colleages.
Niles: I'm sorry, did you say 'colleages' or 'Collies?'
[Niles and Frasier laugh]
Dr. Arnold Shaw: [gives them a snide look] Very clever, very clever. So, shall we begin?
[to Eddie]
Dr. Arnold Shaw: Hello, Eddie, I'm Dr. Shaw. And I'm here to get to know you and help you get better. You're very sad, aren't you? It's okay to be sad, sometimes I'm sad, too. We're going to spend the next hour trying to figure out why you're sad.
Frasier: If you give a dog an hour, you can bill him for seven!
[He and Niles laugh again]
Dr. Arnold Shaw: I'm sorry, I get the feeling that some of us aren't taking this seriously.
Frasier: I apologize; it all just seems a bit silly.
Dr. Arnold Shaw: Silly? I have you know I just attended the funeral of one Buttons McFarlen whose owners felt the same way.
[Niles and Frasier stifle snickers and Martin waves his cane at them]
Dr. Arnold Shaw: First, I'd like to administer a dog personality profile quiz I developed. My first questions are based on how you think Eddie might behave if you were a human being.
Frasier: Oh boy!
Niles: Here we go!
Daphne Moon: [whisper to boys:] Shush, this isn't a joke! This is very serious.
Dr. Arnold Shaw: If human Eddie were planning a dinner party, what might he serve?
Martin: I'd say meatloaf. Not the plain kind, but the one with the fancy tomato soup glaze on top.
Niles: It might be a bit underdone though, he has trouble reaching the knobs on the stove.
[He and Frasier laugh]
Daphne Moon: Poached salmon... I don't know why!
Dr. Arnold Shaw: Interesting. Question two: What do you imagine human Eddie's first words to be?
Frasier: Well, I should hope: 'Give me a breath mint!'
[laughs]
Frasier: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Right, next one.
Dr. Arnold Shaw: What do you imagine would be human Eddie's favorite cologne?
Martin: Rock Revelver... It's a little strong but I think he can pull it off.
Daphne Moon: Grey Flannel... I don't know why!
Frasier: Cologne? Well, actually I think he would prefer toilet water!
Niles: By the way, same answer for favorite beverage!
[He and Frasier laugh loudly and high-five each other]
Dr. Arnold Shaw: I'm sensing a lot of hostility here.
Frasier: Well, I'm sorry, but I don't see the point. What is any of this telling you about Eddie?
Dr. Arnold Shaw: The point was not to learn about Eddie but was to learn about all of you and might I say...
[glares at the brothers]
Dr. Arnold Shaw: mission accomplished!


"Frasier: Desperately Seeking Closure (#5.8)" (1997)
Niles: Well, no wonder you're heartbroken. You've just lost the only woman you could ever possibly, sometime down the line, perhaps fall in love with. I'm surprised the country music people haven't jumped all over this one.

Frasier: [has everyone tell him his faults] Fuss budget! Well, listen, if you don't mind the substitution, I think maybe "demanding" is more the mot juste.
Daphne: Pretentious.
Frasier: Right, you see, this is very good. Roz, you must have something?
Roz: Well, you are a little full of yourself.
Frasier: Great. Okay, pompous.
Roz: And you do tend to ramble on with the callers.
Frasier: A tad loquacious.
Martin: Pretentious.
Frasier: Dad, I already wrote that down.
Martin: Underline it.
Niles: Oh, snippy.
Daphne: Sarcastic.
Martin: Bossy.
Niles: Huffy.
Roz: Vain.
Frasier: Oh, how nice we've finally found an activity we all enjoy together!
Martin: Oh, don't worry about it Frasier. You'll be fine, you'll bounce back. You're tough.
Roz: And resourceful.
Niles: Resilient.
Martin: Optimistic.
Niles: Tenacious.
Daphne: Conceited.
Martin: Wrong list, Daph.


"Frasier: Hooping Cranes (#8.15)" (2001)
Martin Crane: Would you cut it out, I'm trying to watch the game!
Dr. Frasier Crane: We're just playing I Spy, Dad.
Martin Crane: I know, and it's distracting.
Dr. Niles Crane: Well, we used to do it all the time on family vacations.
Martin Crane: And it was distracting then, so cut it out, or it'll end up like our family trip to Arizona.
Dr. Niles Crane: You mean you'll turn around in your seat and almost drive the arena into the Grand Canyon?

[Niles is wearing a complimentary letterman jacket]
Roz Doyle: Wow, Niles! You finally made varsity after thirty years, huh?
Dr. Niles Crane: Yes, but it's not a real varsity jacket, Roz, so you're under no obligation to sleep with me.
[she smiles]
Roz Doyle: See you around.
Dr. Niles Crane: Take care.


"Frasier: The Late Dr. Crane (#7.8)" (1999)
[Maris had a surgical procedure called botox injections]
Niles: They use those toxins that you put in the forehead, it deadens the muscles and takes away the wrinkles. I gave it to her as a gift one year for our anniversary.
Frasier: Oh, yes, probably your tenth. That's toxins, isn't it?

Niles: Are you all right?
Frasier: Yes. Thank goodness your fist softened the blow of the airbag.


"Frasier: Adventures in Paradise: Part 1 (#2.8)" (1994)
[while Daphne is teaching Niles to blow smoke rings, Frasier comes in and sees her puckering her mouth close to his]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Niles, what are you doing?
Dr. Niles Crane: I'm learning how to blow smoke.
Dr. Frasier Crane: *Where*?

[Frasier is having second thoughts about taking Madeline to Bora Bora]
Dr. Niles Crane: If you ask me, Frasier, your trepidation is well-founded. It is possible to move a relationship along too fast, and ultimately marry too hastily. You could find, a few years down the line, that the person isn't really right for you, and then what happens if you meet the right person, someone who really excites you and makes you feel alive, but you can't act upon it because you're trapped in a stale, albeit comfortable Maris!
[everyone stares at him]
Dr. Niles Crane: ...marriage. I have to go now.
[He grabs his coat and exits]


"Frasier: Dial M for Martin (#6.3)" (1998)
[Niles sees Roz and Martin having coffee together]
Niles: I'm not interrupting anything personal, am I?
Roz: Yeah, Niles, we just eloped. I'm your new mom.
Niles: Well, I'll be a son of a bitch.

[Niles is trying to weasel out of inviting Martin to stay with him]
Niles: Eddie... you know, Dad, I just realized, my building doesn't allow dogs.
Martin Crane: Oh, well that's it, because I'm not leaving Eddie.
Niles: Oh, what a shame.
Martin Crane: Yeah, I guess I can find someplace. It can't be too small, though, 'cause it's gotta have a bedroom for Daphne.
Niles: [reconsiders] You know, Dad, about that no-dog rule? I could speak to Clarice, the head of our co-op board.
Martin Crane: Really? You think she'd make an exception?
Niles: Well, let's just say she's bent quite a few rules in her time, and if she doesn't want her husband to find out, she'll bend this one.


"Frasier: Frasier Crane's Day Off (#1.23)" (1994)
Niles: This is Dr. Niles Crane, filling in for my ailing brother, Dr. Frasier Crane. Although I feel perfectly qualified to fill Frasier's radio shoes, I should warn you that while Frasier is a Freudian, I am a Jungian. So there'll be no blaming Mother today. Okay, Roz, who's my first caller?

Niles: [filling in for Frasier on the show] Let's get better!


"Frasier: The Unnatural (#4.16)" (1997)
Frasier: Is that your idea of appropriate baseball-watching attire?
Niles: Obviously, you failed to detect the subtle diamond pattern in my tie.

Daphne Moon: [to Frasier] Your son just walked right in on me in the shower!
Frasier: Frederick!
Frederick: Dad, all I really saw was...
Frasier: I'm very disappointed in you, young man.
Niles: Let the boy finish!


"Frasier: You Can Go Home Again (#3.24)" (1996)
[before sitting in the cafe, Niles is using his handkerchief to wipe his chair clean]
Frasier: [to Niles] I remember your fourth birthday party. Grandmother took us to the park to ride the carousel, and you made all those little children wait while you wiped off your painted pony.
Dr. Niles Crane: I was wearing Bermuda shorts and that saddle was slick with toddler sweat!

Dr. Niles Crane: Frasier, Dad tells me that today is your three-year anniversary, so we're going to take you out to dinner.
Frasier: Well, thank you. Dad, how did you know?
Martin Crane: Oh, I heard that woman who called in.
Frasier: [surprised] You listened to my show?
Martin Crane: Well, sort of... I fell asleep during the Mariners game. But when I woke up, you were on.
Frasier: And you didn't turn me off?
Martin Crane: I did not! I listened to you for ten minutes before I finally dozed off again.
[laughs]
Frasier: Faint praise, and yet it thunders in my ears.


"Frasier: The Doctor Is Out (#11.3)" (2003)
Daphne Crane: I'm Daphne, Niles's wife.
Alistair Burke: [sarcastically] No.
Dr. Niles Crane: We're expecting.
Alistair Burke: Can't say I was

Dr. Frasier Crane: I've had gay friends before!
Dr. Niles Crane: Not ones that think you're gay too!


"Frasier: Something Borrowed, Someone Blue: Part 1 (#7.23)" (2000)
Daphne: Dr Crane, you shouldn't say such things.
Niles: It's the truth. Lord knows, I have tried to deny it - tried to pretend that I'm over you - but not a day has gone by when I haven't thought of you. Your smile, your beautiful eyes, what it would be like to hold your hands and ask you the question I never dared ask...
Donny Douglas: [suddenly bursting in the room] What's the difference between a blister and a boil?

Niles: [Niles has told Daphne that he loves her] Lovely night, isn't it? Stars are out, nice breeze... mmm, night-blooming jasmine. Of course, there's the beautiful girl.
Daphne: Dr Crane, I still haven't answered your question.
Niles: Yes, I know, that's why I keep talking. In case I don't get the answer I want, I can at least make this moment last a little longer. I'm not sure if it's jasmine or orange blossom. You know, a lot of times...
Daphne: [interrupting him] Oh, for God's sake, Dr Crane!
[kisses him]
Niles: I think you can call me Niles now.


"Frasier: Frasier-Lite (#11.12)" (2004)
Dr. Frasier Crane: I've decided to rededicate myself to this diet. The team is captained by my old high school nemesis, Wayne Shafter.
Dr. Niles Crane: [Gasps] Which one was he?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Big neck, dead eyed, snapped your PBS umbrella.

Dr. Niles Crane: [after watching Eddie's pigeon fall down to his neighbour's awning] Don't you die! I love you, you tough old bird! Not you, Mrs Cunningham.


"Frasier: The Ski Lodge (#5.14)" (1998)
Niles: I've got to get a new divorce lawyer. Claude is clearly no match for Maris's team.
Daphne: Real sharks, are they?
Niles: When we were courting I sent Maris a Valentine that said, "You're the girl my heart adores, everything I have is yours." Now they're calling it a pre-nup.

[about Frasier's crush on Daphne's friend Annie]
Niles: I grant you she's comely, but don't you find her a tad - what would the polite euphemism be? - stupid?
Frasier: Niles, she is just unschooled, like Liza Doolittle. Find her the right Henry Higgins, she'll be ready for a ball in no time!
Niles: Leave it to you to put the "pig" back in "Pygmalion."


"Frasier: Maris Returns (#11.7)" (2003)
Niles: Poor thing completely lost her appetite, barely touched her snail.

Niles: [hyperventilating] I can't do this! I'm telling her a new lie every time I open my mouth!
Martin Crane: Oh, get a grip on yourself, man! It's called marriage!


"Frasier: Morning Becomes Entertainment (#7.19)" (2000)
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, come on in, Niles. Bebe's just bringing me up to speed on her depressing news about my contract negotiations.
Bebe Glazer: Don't worry, dear, I just need to find a way to throw a scare into them.
Dr. Niles Crane: Have you tried turning into a bat?
Bebe Glazer: I would, love, but most grown men don't share your fear of tiny creatures!

Bebe Glazer: [takes out cigarette] May I?
Dr. Frasier Crane: On the balcony, if you don't mind.
Bebe Glazer: Mind? I don't want a single puff tearing up the baby blues of TV's newest sensation. By this time next week...
Dr. Niles Crane: You heard him, if you're gonna blow smoke, do it on the balcony.


"Frasier: Moons Over Seattle (#9.24)" (2002)
Dr. Niles Crane: Mr. Moon, I'm sorry I dragged you all the way to America.
Harry Moon: Oh, it wasn't all that bad. I got to see Daphne. And that hotel was brilliant! The towels were so fluffy I could barely close me suitcase.

[Last lines. Niles answers his door to find Daphne, his fiancee]
Daphne Moon: I want to marry you!
Dr. Niles Crane: [smiles, surprised] I want to marry *you!*
Daphne Moon: No, I want to marry you *now!*
Dr. Niles Crane: As in... *now?*
Daphne Moon: Yes.
Dr. Niles Crane: Why?
Daphne Moon: Why? Because you'd do anything, even put up with my insane family, to make me happy. Because you'd travel halfway around the world to make my dreams come true, even the impossible ones. And because I can't spend one more minute without being your wife, Niles Crane. Because I adore you.
Dr. Niles Crane: But... I thought you always wanted a big wedding.
Daphne Moon: Do you want to make my dreams come true? *This* is my dream.
[Niles gets his coat. They leave together]


"Frasier: Goodnight, Seattle: Part 2 (#11.24)" (2004)
Dr. Niles Crane: [to Frasier] I'll miss the coffees


"Frasier: The Guilt Trippers (#9.23)" (2002)
[to a bartender, looking for Daphne's father]
Dr. Niles Crane: Excuse me. Do you know a man named Harry Moon? And no, that is not the start of a limerick.


"Frasier: The Perfect Guy (#5.17)" (1998)
Dr. Niles Crane: How's it going?
Frasier: Well, let me see, what have you missed? Clint told us about how he learned to fly a plane, and then he recited a sonnet and, oh yes, he fixed my ice machine and he invented a new drink; the "Pink Webber!" I've got Daphne drawing a bath right now; in case the party starts to lag, we can invite him to walk on water, liven things up a bit.


"Frasier: Burying a Grudge (#2.10)" (1994)
Dr. Niles Crane: If, uh, if anyone needs me, I'll be sleeping at the hospital tonight.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Why?
Dr. Niles Crane: Uh, Maris' doctor feels it's more soothing for the patient to duplicate the home environment as closely as possible, so I slipped a pearl-handled revolver under her pillow and got myself a room across the hall.


"Frasier: The Bad Son (#8.3)" (2000)
Dr. Niles Crane: Oh, look. Broken pieces of pottery.
Daphne Moon: That's peanut brittle. I made it myself.


"Frasier: Miracle on Third or Fourth Street (#1.12)" (1993)
Daphne: [Niles is making Daphne try on dresses] Shall I put the red one back on so you can make a choice?
Frasier: No, I think Niles has all the information he needs.
Niles: [guilty] You know, Maris and Daphne are roughly the same size.
Frasier: Give or take a foot.


"Frasier: The Maris Counselor (#5.13)" (1998)
Dr. Niles Crane: You know, I said I wanted closure, but I won't have it until I do one more thing...
[He takes off his wedding ring and goes to the balcony]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, be careful, Niles, from this height that could hurt somebody.
Dr. Niles Crane: No, all clear.
[throws the ring and shouts]
Dr. Niles Crane: Goodbye, Maris! You've hurt me for the last time!
Martin: Uh, Niles, is that your Mercedes parked down there?
[Niles looks down]
Martin: Whoa! Oh, well, a good body shop will be able to pound that out.


"Frasier: First Date (#5.20)" (1998)
Dr. Frasier Crane: [Realizes that Niles is still going to do his imaginary date] Daphne... is cooking dinner... for your date with a fictitious woman. Why not just set a place for the March Hare and the Mad Hatter?
Dr. Niles Crane: I didn't plan for this to happen, but we are having the most perfect evening! I'm feeling my confidence return, I just need a few more minutes alone, and I'll be able to tell her everything.
[the doorbell rings]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Niles, the longer you continue with this absurd lie, the more likely it is to blow up in your face!
Dr. Niles Crane: Why are you always such a doomsayer? As long as I keep track of what I'm saying, nothing is going to blow up on anyone!
[He opens the door, and finds Phyllis standing there]
Dr. Niles Crane: Phyllis!
Dr. Frasier Crane: [sarcastic] Ka-boom!


"Frasier: Taps at the Montana (#6.18)" (1999)
[first lines]
Martin Crane: Hey, boys. How was dinner?
Dr. Niles Crane: Oh, let's just say, when I picked my lobster out of the tank, I had no idea he was in for a better evening than I was.


"Frasier: Chess Pains (#3.18)" (1996)
Dr. Niles Crane: There's a saying: "In every boy's life, the moment of greatest joy and greatest sorrow is when he defeats his father for the first time."
Dr. Frasier Crane: If you're suggesting that I'm afraid to beat Dad, you can just stop right there.
Dr. Niles Crane: O.K. The other option is, he's better than you.
Dr. Frasier Crane: You were saying?
Dr. Niles Crane: Sooner or later, the son eclipses the father. It's the natural order. Yet it's frequently a stumbling block because the son's competitive stirrings are accompanied by tremendous feelings of guilt.


"Frasier: Three Days of the Condo (#4.11)" (1997)
Niles: Excuse me, you saw my Maris completely naked?
Frasier: Oh, don't fret, Niles, it was really nothing more than a fleeting glance in a very steamy bathroom. More like glimpsing a birch sapling through a thick fog.
Niles: Life is so unfair! You get a vision of my Maris, I get a big eye-full of Dad!
Frasier: Well, I say we hit about the same level on the "Yikes!" meter!


"Frasier: Bla-Z-Boy (#9.7)" (2001)
[after Frasier accidentally destroyed Martin's armchair, Martin enters the café where Frasier and Niles are talking]
Dr. Niles Crane: Hey, Dad. Um, taking Eddie for a walk?
Martin: Yeah, I was afraid if I left him home, Frasier would set him on fire and throw him off the balcony.
[later, Martin comes back]
Martin: Well, I've got my coffee. Black, nothing fancy, but if you don't like it, you're welcome to set it on fire and throw it off the balcony.


"Frasier: Legal Tender Love and Care (#8.6)" (2000)
Frasier: That suit is very becoming on you. Is it new?
Abby Michaels: If it isn't, thank you for noticing, Frasier.
Frasier: Oh, no, thank you for being so, uh... noticeable.
Dr. Niles Crane: [to Daphne] Do I sound like that?
Daphne Moon: Yeah, but it's cute when you do it.


"Frasier: Guns 'N Neuroses (#11.9)" (2003)
Lilith: Daphne, Niles, congratulations on the successful commingling of your genetic material.
Daphne: Thank you.
Lilith: Do you know the sex?
Niles: DO we? It's how we got pregnant!


"Frasier: Coots and Ladders (#11.17)" (2004)
[while looking at some old family photos]
Daphne Crane: Why are you all hunched over in this one?
Dr. Niles Crane: Uh...
Daphne Crane: You were looking at my bum, weren't you?
Dr. Niles Crane: Oh, heavens, no!
Daphne Crane: Oh, it's all right, Niles, we're married now.
Dr. Niles Crane: All right, yes. I might, once, in a moment of weakness have permitted myself a fleeting glance.
[She hands him another photo]
Dr. Niles Crane: Or twice.
[Another photo]
Dr. Niles Crane: Many, many times.
Daphne Crane: It's all about the rear with you, isn't it?
Dr. Niles Crane: Oh, no, darling...
Daphne Crane: No, seriously.
[turns around]
Daphne Crane: What color are my eyes?
Dr. Niles Crane: Um...
Daphne Crane: You're looking at it again, aren't you?


"Frasier: Ain't Nobody's Business If I Do (#5.11)" (1998)
[Niles hired a private investigator to check Sherry out]
Dr. Niles Crane: I was just looking out for Dad here. I mean, what do we really know about this woman?
Frasier: She makes Dad happy, that's all we need to know.
Dr. Niles Crane: Is it? Some people do get married before they know all they should. Remember Cousin Donald? He was married two years before he found out his wife used to be a man.
Frasier: Yes, well, Cousin Donald is a very rare case. First, most people don't have a hidden past; and second, most people have a better eye for details than Cousin Donald. For God's sake, the woman could pick up a watermelon with one hand!


"Frasier: The Focus Group (#3.23)" (1996)
Frasier: [Niles and Daphne fight and make up] Niles, what was that all about?
Niles: I'm not sure, but oh, MOMMA, it was glorious! Blood pounding, sarcastic zingers flying!
Frasier: Are you saying you enjoyed fighting with Daphne?
Niles: Every exhilerating moment was pure unbridled passion! I think I still have some of her spittle on my forehead! Oh why did Dad ever tell us not to fight with girls? It's wonderful!


"Frasier: The Botched Language of Cranes (#2.6)" (1994)
Daphne Moon: [answering the phone] Crane residence. Oh, no, I'm afraid he can't come to the phone. May I take a message? Oh, nice language, that! I hope you don't eat with that mouth.
Dr. Niles Crane: Daphne... Daphne, excuse me.
[Niles takes the phone]
Dr. Niles Crane: Now see here, how dare you speak to a lady that way! Yes, well, that's no excuse, ma'am. Oh! Only a coward makes threats over the phone. I dare you to come here and say that to my face!
[sardonic chuckle]
Dr. Niles Crane: Never you mind where I live.
[Niles hangs up]


"Frasier: Good Samaritan (#6.11)" (1999)
[before Frederick's birthday party, Niles is dipping balloons into a glass of water, then twirling them in the air to dry]
Martin Crane: Should I even ask?
Dr. Niles Crane: These balloons come in an unsealed package, covered in some mysterious dust, straight from some southeast Asian sweatshop. Doesn't that worry you?
Martin Crane: Oh, you bet it does. I remember back in Korea, we'd crouch in our foxholes, scared to death those bastards were gonna drop balloons on us.


"Frasier: Wheels of Fortune (#9.16)" (2002)
Daphne Moon: Well, Dr. Crane, you needn't worry about Blaine asking you for money anymore. He's received the thousand dollars he needs for Sunday.
Frasier: What nitwit gave him a thousand dollars?
Dr. Niles Crane: Now, Frasier, that's not fair. Perhaps whoever did it simply has a kind heart and a trusting nature that I, for one, find refreshing.
Frasier: Oh, Daphne.


"Frasier: Hot Ticket (#6.4)" (1998)
Frasier: Niles, there is another way.
Niles: You don't mean...
Frasier: Yes. I know it's a calculated risk. It is a little uncertain.
Niles: You can't be serious. It's unthinkable.
Frasier: Niles, what other choice do we have?
Niles: But the indignity, it reeks of desperation.
Martin: Now, now, before you do anything desperate, at least go stand in the cancellation line.
Niles: What did he think we were talking about?


"Frasier: Hungry Heart (#8.14)" (2001)
[Niles seems strangely oblivious to Daphne's recent weight gain]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Listen, Niles. This may be a bit of a sensitive subject, but have you noticed anything... different about Daphne lately?
Dr. Niles Crane: Well, she's happier, as am I.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, I guess I meant more in a... physical way.
Dr. Niles Crane: Well, she trimmed her bangs, that was a week ago. Men!
Dr. Frasier Crane: I, I guess what I'm really talking about is her... size.
Dr. Niles Crane: Well, that's my fault. I was self-conscious about our height difference and I asked her to stop wearing high-heeled shoes.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Niles...
Dr. Niles Crane: Yes?
Dr. Frasier Crane: [gives up] I hope one day to love a woman the way you love Daphne.
[Niles hugs him]
Dr. Niles Crane: Don't worry, you will, you will.


"Frasier: Come Lie with Me (#3.12)" (1996)
[Niles is obsessing about not being invited to any more society functions]
Dr. Niles Crane: Oh wait, wait. I know what happened. My invitation just got lost in the mail... No, it's not so far fetched. It could have been mis-sorted, or a stamp could have fallen off, or it could have been stolen by my mail carrier. Ho-downs are catnip to postal workers!
[Roz enters in time to catch the last sentence]
Roz: Well, I'd ask you to explain that, but then... you would.


"Frasier: Roz's Krantz & Gouldenstein Are Dead (#4.15)" (1997)
[Roz's friend at the retirement home died suddenly]
Roz: It just seems so unfair.
[Niles enters]
Roz: One minute he's lying in the bed, smiling and happy, ten seconds later it's over.
Niles: For heaven's sake, it happens to every man a couple of times in his life. Why can't you women take it as a compliment?


"Frasier: Sweet Dreams (#5.24)" (1998)
[Martin has just returned with Daphne, having bailed her from jail]
Frasier: Daphne! Daphne, it's so good to have you home, safe and sound.
Daphne Moon: Sod off.
Martin Crane: She's a little mad at ya.
Frasier: Yes, thank you, Dad.
Frasier: Daphne, I am so sorry. I feel just terrible.
Daphne Moon: As you should. You left me handcuffed and helpless.
Dr. Niles Crane: If you ever find yourself in that position again, be sure to call on me.
[a look of innocent confusion from Daphne and eye-rolling from Frasier]
Dr. Niles Crane: ...for help.


"Frasier: Fortysomething (#1.20)" (1994)
Dr. Frasier Crane: Niles, I'm 41. That's hardly middle-aged. Middle age is more like 50, 55.
Dr. Niles Crane: Only if you live to be 110.


"Frasier: Frasier's Edge (#8.9)" (2001)
Kenny Daly: Frasier's up next, and he's not here yet. What'll we do?
Martin Crane: Stall.
Kenny Daly: Stall... Stall!
Dr. Niles Crane: Like that.


"Frasier: Crane vs. Crane (#3.19)" (1996)
Dr. Frasier Crane: Niles, you made a hasty judgment and I am sorry, but you were wrong.
Dr. Niles Crane: Ah, now we see why you got involved in the case - so big brother could be right and little Niles could be wrong, which I'm not!
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, your pathetic childhood issues have nothing to do with it.
[childishly]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Face it, you were wrong! Wrong, wrong, wrong!
Dr. Niles Crane: [childishly] Oh, oh, oh-!


"Frasier: The Dog That Rocks the Cradle (#7.5)" (1999)
[Niles picks his cemetery plot]
Niles: McGurk got me a shady spot on the high hill.
Frasier: You mean - ?
Niles: Yes: I'll spend eternity looking down on Maris.
Frasier: Oh, Niles.
Niles: Checkmate.


"Frasier: Room Full of Heroes (#9.6)" (2001)
Martin Crane: [for Frasier's party, Niles is dressed as Martin and Daphne as Elton John] All right, stop it.
Dr. Niles Crane: What?
Martin Crane: I don't want to watch myself make out with Elton John.


"Frasier: The Unkindest Cut of All (#2.2)" (1994)
Frasier: Niles, you have liver behind your ears.
Dr. Niles Crane: I imagine I must have picked up a cracker and inadvertently scratched behind my ear...
Frasier: You're saying you had a wad of cold meat behind your ears and you didn't feel it?
Dr. Niles Crane: That's the story I'm sticking with, yes.


"Frasier: Adventures in Paradise: Part 2 (#2.9)" (1994)
Dr. Niles Crane: Maris will be thrilled you're coming to see her tonight in the ballet.
Daphne Moon: Oh, we're delighted.
Martin Crane: [grumbles unenthusiastically]
Daphne Moon: You know, when I was younger, I dreamed of being a ballerina myself.
Dr. Niles Crane: So did Maris. Poor thing could never get weight up enough.


"Frasier: The Friend (#3.11)" (1996)
Frasier: I had friends back in Boston. It's only since I've returned to Seattle that I've been falling back on Niles.
Niles: [insulted] "Falling back on Niles"?
Frasier: Oh, for God's sake, Niles. When we go out to dinner I always know exactly what you're going to say before you say it.
Niles: Well, then I'm sorry you had to hear that, Frasier.


"Frasier: The Last Time I Saw Maris (#3.8)" (1995)
Niles: And I stormed out and slammed the door! Of course, it was that fourteenth century Bavarian cathedral door, so I had to get two of the servants to help me slam it, but what it lacked in spontaneity it made up for in resonance.


"Frasier: Cheerful Goodbyes (#9.21)" (2002)
[on Cliff Clavin's theories]
Niles: If I hear one more of that postman's crackpot theories my head will explode.
Frasier: Don't worry, Niles, no one takes him seriously.
Daphne: I never knew how many letters there were in the dolphin alphabet.


"Frasier: Call Me Irresponsible (#1.7)" (1993)
Niles: I'll dispense with the usual adolescent teasing and come straight to the point: who was that babe-o-rama?
Frasier: Niles, please don't try to be hip. You remind me of Bob Hope when he dresses up as the Fonz.


"Frasier: Our Parents, Ourselves (#6.12)" (1999)
Shangri-lino: Hey, it's the Coyote!
Dr. Niles Crane: Evening, evening, Jimbo. Check you later.
Martin Crane: Wow, you got a nickname down there already. That's great! The Coyote?
Dr. Niles Crane: Yes.
Dr. Frasier Crane: And how did you earn that honorific?
Dr. Niles Crane: Oh, it was quite the merry road. Yes, it evolved from Niles to Nilesy to Niley to Nile E. Coyote and now simply "The Coyote."


"Frasier: Motor Skills (#8.11)" (2001)
[the Crane boys get into trouble at a motor skills class]
Randy: Let me see you guys out in the hall.
[the other students make "Ooh...", "Busted." noises]
Randy: And bring your books and tools.
Frasier: [sarcastically as he stands up] Oh-ho, we're in trouble now.
Niles: [following behind] We're not in trouble, we *are* trouble.


"Frasier: Star Mitzvah (#10.6)" (2002)
[Daphne learns about Niles's one-night stand with Lilith]
Daphne: With Lilith?
Niles: I was drunk.
Daphne: Yeah, you'd have to be, wouldn't you?
[realizes]
Daphne: Oh, sorry Frasier.
Frasier: Oh no, drinking definitely took the edge off.


"Frasier: I Hate Frasier Crane (#1.4)" (1993)
Frasier: [about the crowd gathered to watch him fight] All that's missing is a mariachi band.
Dr. Niles Crane: They're just setting up.


"Frasier: Selling Out (#1.9)" (1993)
Niles: [about the movie The Seven Year Itch] Have you seen that movie? Maris and I rented the video - I don't mind telling you we pushed our beds together that night! And that was no mean feat - her room, as you know, is across the hall!


"Frasier: Martin Does It His Way (#3.3)" (1995)
Niles: [attempting to write a song for Frank Sinatra] I don't mean to quibble, but it seems like your heart is always going either hidy-heydy, ringy-dingy, or scooby-dooby.
Martin: Look, I don't need another critic.
Niles: Right. Perhaps a cardiologist.


"Frasier: The Candidate (#2.7)" (1994)
Roz: Don't you both owe each other an apology?
Frasier: Well, yes! But I was the first to apologize last time. Oh wait, that means it's his turn! Oh, goody, I can be mature about this!
[Frasier goes to Niles's table]
Frasier: Niles.
Niles: Frasier.
Frasier: After last night's behavior, I believe an apology is in order.
Niles: I agree... Well?
Frasier: "Well," what?
Niles: It's your turn. I apologized first last time.
Frasier: No, you didn't!
Niles: I did so! I distinctly remember. It was after that shouting match at the Monet exhibit. I had my secretary leave a heartfelt apology with your service.
Frasier: So you did. That means it is my turn again... Damn!


"Frasier: The Babysitter (#11.4)" (2003)
Dr. Niles Crane: [after Frasier pulls something out of a box of Velveeta] What's that?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Viagra.
Dr. Niles Crane: They sell that in Velveeta?


"Frasier: Beloved Infidel (#1.8)" (1993)
Dr. Frasier Crane: "How am I doing?" How are you doing, Niles? Doesn't it bother you that your father cheated on my mother?
Dr. Niles Crane: Frasier, your loyalties are seeping through, and I might point out that I got Mom's small features while you got Dad's chunky thighs.


"Frasier: The Ring Cycle (#10.1)" (2002)
Dr. Niles Crane: [what Niles is bringing on his honeymoon] I'm just bringing sunscreen.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Pardon me - I'm just going to poke out my mind's eye!


"Frasier: Guess Who's Coming to Breakfast (#1.13)" (1994)
Frasier: Oh please, nobody refers to having sex as "getting lucky" anymore.
Niles: I do.


"Frasier: Roz and the Schnoz (#5.21)" (1998)
Dr. Niles Crane: [Frasier reluctantly agrees to go to a dog show with him] Thank you, thank you, I knew I could count on you for this, Frasier. It's nice to know that some things never change.
Roz: [a flustered Roz enters the cafe, carrying two suitcases] Do you guys know where I can get a cheap hotel room in a hurry?
Dr. Niles Crane: Case in point! Goodbye, Roz.


"Frasier: Fathers and Sons (#10.22)" (2003)
Dr. Niles Crane: [about the sophistication of his intended pre-school] I hear the top two percent in "Coloring and Putting Away" can pretty much write their own ticket.


"Frasier: The Great Crane Robbery (#8.4)" (2000)
Dr. Niles Crane: I know it's difficult, but once she gives me that divorce, we can go anywhere we want. Paris, Florence, Rio.
Daphne Moon: How about my room to fold laundry?
Dr. Niles Crane: I hear it's lovely this time of year.