Sam Malone
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Quotes for
Sam Malone (Character)
from "Cheers" (1982)

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"Cheers: Simon Says (#5.21)" (1987)
Dr. Simon Finch-Royce: Well now, I need to begin to get to know you two, so Diane, why don't you start?
Diane: Well, they say you don't have prenatal memories, but I have a distinct 'in utero' recollection of a Fourth of July concert my Mother attended. There was at least one sousaphone...
[the scene fades to a scene some time later. Sam is napping on the office couch, Simon is sitting in the chair listening, and Diane is still talking]
Diane: [coming to the end of her recollections] -then he proposed to me in of all places, a court of law. This time I, acquiesced, and agreed to become Mrs Malone... which brings us here today.
Dr. Simon Finch-Royce: [nods for a brief moment] You know, my wife has a skirt very similar to the one you're wearing. Sam, a little of your history, please.
Sam Malone: Oh! Right, alright, okay. Um... Let's see, it was uh, August 5th, 1973, I got my first Major League save. It was in Baltimore...
Diane: [interrupting him] Sam, you don't have to go into all of that.
Sam Malone: If you can go back to the womb, I can go back to the damn Oriole double-header.

Dr. Simon Finch-Royce: Well, moving on. Now, what are the keys to a successful marriage? Well there are numerous schools of thought. Many experts claim that the most important single ingredient in a marriage is...
[both Sam and Diane are silent]
Dr. Simon Finch-Royce: Quickly now.
Diane: Love.
Sam Malone: Sex.
Dr. Simon Finch-Royce: Honesty. Because from honesty springs...
Diane: Fidelity.
Sam Malone: Sex.
Dr. Simon Finch-Royce: ...Yes: trust.
Diane: I was going to say that.
Dr. Simon Finch-Royce: Well those people are wrong.

Sam Malone: [after being told that he and Diane should not get married] Wait don't go, what should we do?
Dr. Simon Finch-Royce: Well, think yourselves lucky I mean, you found out now. Saved yourself years, perhaps decades, of pain and heartache... Cheerio.
[exits out the office door]

Sam Malone: What are we gonna do?
Diane: We're going to get married, of course! We're not going to listen to that, sack of fish n' chips!

Diane: If you only knew the enormous obstacles we've overcome, you would know that we are, destined to die in each other's arms. Because although we are, very different people, our parts mesh together perfectly. We have achieved, symbiosis.
Sam Malone: Well, not every time, but it's close.

Sam Malone: All I'm saying is that maybe he's right. Maybe we should give it some thought. Maybe we should wait. Maybe I'm a confirmed bachelor.
Diane: Maybe you'll do me the honor of sticking a sock in it!

Diane: If you ask me, his methods are highly suspect! How can he say we are mismatched on the basis of two silly questions? I didn't even answer mine accurately! I said what I thought he wanted to hear! Sam, did you answer the way you wanted to answer, or the way you thought he wanted you to answer, or the way you thought I wanted you to answer?
Sam Malone: I don't know, I got confused after the babe in the bikini walked by.

Sam Malone: You know, it was your stupid idea to come here in the first place. All of a sudden he says something you don't like, and now you don't believe him anymore?
Diane: [sounding desperate] Well he's wrong! He doesn't know what he's talking about! Don't you think he's capable of making a mistake?
Dr. Simon Finch-Royce: That's highly unlikely, although, I did let the two of you in.

Sam Malone: [talking to Diane] I'm starved, I'm gonna go have some dinner. You wanna join me?
Dr. Simon Finch-Royce: [also talking to Diane, as he attempts to eat his soup] Please say "Yes."

Dr. Simon Finch-Royce: I think I've shown remarkable restraint so far, but I have had just about enough. Now I've said that you're not compatible, and you've done nothing to show me otherwise.
Diane: [sounding on the verge of tears] Look I don't know, what we're supposed to do or what we're supposed to say, but we're HERE, fighting for our lives together, now doesn't that count for something?
Dr. Simon Finch-Royce: [matter-of-factly] No.
Diane: [whining] Why not?
Dr. Simon Finch-Royce: Well, let me answer you this way. Sam, do you really want to be here?
Sam Malone: No.
[Simon gestures as if to say, "There, case closed"]
Diane: [still whining] Oh, What do you mean "no?"
Sam Malone: I mean "no." I don't want to be here-I mean, this whole thing was your stupid idea. What do we care if this guy doesn't think we should get married? Nobody we know thinks we should get married. We don't go bugging them in the middle of the night, do we?

Diane: Alright... what do you suggest we do?
Sam Malone: Nothing.
Diane: UGH! That's your solution to everything: nothing! Is that what you're going to do for the rest of your life? Nothing?
Sam Malone: [growing exasperated with her tone] I haven't decided yet.

Sam Malone: Hey, what's with this English Accent? Ever since he walked in here, you've been talking like the Queen was your Aunt Betty or something.
Diane: Oh, tosh! What twaddle.


"Cheers: Someday My Prince Will Come (#4.3)" (1985)
Diane Chambers: Didn't you ever fantasize about me?
Sam Malone: Yeah, I guess I did.
Diane Chambers: And I you. What did you fantasize about?
Sam Malone: Mostly you'd stop using phrases like, "and I you".

Sam Malone: You can't tell what a guy's like by what he's got in his pocket.
Diane Chambers: I certainly can. What you have in your pockets?
Sam Malone: Why don't you check it out yourself and you tell me.
Diane Chambers: I think my point is made.

Stuart Sorensen: Listen, Diane, about that date. I realize we made it over the phone and well, here's your chance to back out.
Diane Chambers: This lady's not going to let you off that easily.
Sam Malone: But it was a nice try there, Stuart.

Sam Malone: Oh, come on Diane. On a scale of one to ten, with me being a twelve of course, where are you going to rate Stuart?
Diane Chambers: Let's change that to IQ. While your score would remain twelve, his would skyrocket.
Sam Malone: It's too bad you're not going to be gazing across the table at his IQ.
Diane Chambers: Why don't you just admit you're jealous.
Sam Malone: All right, I am. You're right, but can you blame me?
Diane Chambers: Sam, are you saying what I think you're saying?
Sam Malone: You bet I am. I'd kill for a car phone.

Diane Chambers: Might I speak with you briefly?
Sam Malone: You might, but I don't think you will.

Diane Chambers: After all these years, I have to admit it, I'm all talk.
Sam Malone: Oh, well of course you are honey, but we've all gotten used to that.

Diane Chambers: As often happens in my life, this gentleman is becoming much too serious much too fast. He's wearing that smitten look I know so well. I've got to do something before it goes any further.
Sam Malone: Uh-huh. I see.
Diane Chambers: For the first time in my life, I can't bring myself to tell the truth to a man, so I need a lie. And God forgive me, I'm coming to you for help.
Sam Malone: Well, I'm flattered. Um, all right, let me, let me give this a little thought here. All right, all right, I've never passed this one on before, but I think it's the ticket here. It's neat, it's fast, clean, and best of all, it makes them want them want to get away from you. Here's what you do. Tell him you have a contagious skin condition, and that insanity runs in your family.
Diane Chambers: [mockingly] Very sensitive.
Sam Malone: Thank you. It's a gift.
Diane Chambers: Sam, I have never been more grateful to you than I am now. I just looked into the face of insensitivity and dishonesty and it made me blanch. I am going out there and I am going to break up with Stuart, but I'm going to do it honestly, straightforwardly and yet caringly. I'll tell him the truth of my feelings: that I'm not attracted to him romantically, although I am very attracted to him as a friend. And I'll say it a way that, that he will accept and understand and be grateful for. Do you even begin to understand what I'm trying to say?
Sam Malone: Everything except the part where you changed your name to Blanche.
Diane Chambers: Good-bye Sam.
Sam Malone: Good-bye Blanche.

Sam Malone: Boy, you know what's wrong with you? You just can't be honest with yourself. Looks are all that ever mattered to you.
Diane Chambers: What are you talking about? That is utterly... inaccurate.
Sam Malone: Oh, yeah. You want me to prove it to you?
Diane Chambers: Yes!
Sam Malone: Who were you more crazy about than anyone else in your entire life, not including yourself there? Don't answer. It was me. And there was only one reason why you ever went out with me and that was because of my looks.
Diane Chambers: Not entirely.
Sam Malone: Yes entirely. Name one other reason why anyone would go out with me? Come on, name one. You can't, can you?
Diane Chambers: [mockingly] No Sam, I can't.
[Sam and the guys at the bar laugh at Diane in triumph]

Sam Malone: Would you add up these receipts for me, please?
[meaning would Woody calculate the total]
Woody Boyd: Sure.
[Woody literally counts the receipts]
Woody Boyd: There's eight of them.
Sam Malone: Thank you, Woody. That's what I got.


"Cheers: Give Me a Ring Sometime (#1.1)" (1982)
Diane: [about baseball] Well, if you were so good, why aren't you still playing?
Sam: I developed an elbow problem.
[Sam simulates hoisting a bottle to his mouth]
Sam: I, uh, bent it too much.

[phone rings. Diane answers it]
Diane: Hello?... Sam?
[Sam comes out of the office]
Diane: Are you Sam?
Sam: [with his mouth full of coffee] Yes.
Diane: [into phone] Yes, he's here.
[hands Sam the phone]
Diane: It's someone named Vicki.
Sam: [quickly backs away] No, no, no, no, no!

Diane: [on the telephone for Sam] Yes, yes, I'll take a message... You're welcome.
[Diane hangs up the telephone]
Sam: Well?
Diane: "You're a magnificent pagan beast."
Sam: Thanks, what's the message?

Coach: [answers the ringing telephone] Cheers... Yeah, just a sec.
Coach: [to everyone in the bar] Is there an Ernie Pantusso here?
Sam: That's you, Coach.
Coach: [to the person on the phone] Speaking.

Diane: [about Sumner] What he actually said was, "Come with me and be my love, and we will some new pleasures prove." That's Donne.
Sam: I certainly hope so.

Diane: Sumner, am I stupid to let you go see a woman you were once in love with?
Prof. Sumner Sloan: Oh, my darling, I'm leaving you alone in a bar. Which one of us is the stupider, Sam?
Sam: Too close to call.

Sam: [about Diane] No Coach, she's going to be sitting here for a while...
Diane: [taps on her glass to get Sam's attention] Uh, excuse me. I hate to keep asking for special attention, but could you not discuss my private life with everyone that comes in?
Sam: What would you like me to tell them?
Diane: I don't care.
Sam: [to Coach] She's a hooker.

Diane: What makes you think that I would ever work in a place like this?
Sam: It's simple, really. You can't go back to the professor for work. I need a waitress - you need a job. You like the people here. You think that they like you. And the phrase "magnificent pagan beast" has never left your mind.
Diane: Now look, buster. I do need a job, and I'll find one. And you bet that it won't be waiting tables.
Sam: What are you qualified to do?
Diane: [emphatically] Nothing!


"Cheers: Diane's Perfect Date (#1.17)" (1983)
[Sam and Diane are arguing about their choices of dates]
Sam Malone: At least my dates don't count the number of letters in sentences.
Diane Chambers: Your dates can't form sentences.

Norm Peterson: Ah, Sammy, watching you getting ready for a date is like watching a great matador prepare for a bullfight.
Cliff Clavin: I hate that stuff. You know, who wants to see a guy go and manipulate and torment a poor, unthinking creature like that?
Sam Malone: Hey, I always buy 'em breakfast, don't I?

Sam Malone: [about Andy, the blind date Sam found for Diane] The truth is, I never saw the guy before in my life. I met him in the back room and I paid him to go out with you.
Diane Chambers: You hired a murderer to take me out for the evening.
Sam Malone: Well, it's kind of funny when you put it that way.

Diane Chambers: Sam, if you'll admit that you are carrying a little torch for me, I'll admit that I'm carrying a little one for you.
Sam Malone: [tentatively] Well, I am carrying a little torch for you.
Diane Chambers: Well, I'm not carrying one for you.

[Diane and Walter have just returned to the bar after a weekend-long date]
Walter Franklin: [to Diane] Why don't you introduce me to your co-workers. I'm sure they'd get a bang out of this.
Diane Chambers: [obviously embarrassed] Oh, I don't really think that...
[Sam approaches Diane and Walter]
Diane Chambers: Oh, hello, Sam. Walter Franklin, Sam Malone.
Sam Malone: [as the two men shake hands] How do you do.
Walter Franklin: Ten.
Diane Chambers: [in answer to Sam's confused look about what Walter just said] Uh, he's able to tell you instantly how many letters there are in any sentence you say.
Walter Franklin: Sixty-six.
Sam Malone: That's quite a gift.
Walter Franklin: Fifteen. Been at it all weekend.
Sam Malone: How many days did it seem like?
Walter Franklin: Twenty-four.
Diane Chambers: Listen, Walter, I have to go to work now. Thanks again for a lovely weekend.
Walter Franklin: Two sentences, thirty and twenty-eight.
Diane Chambers: Stop doing that Walter.
Walter Franklin: Nineteen.
Diane Chambers: [immediately and angrily] I mean it!
Walter Franklin: Seven. Really, that's enough of this now. I better get going. Goodbye, Diane. Nice seeing you, Sam.
Sam Malone: Yeah.
Walter Franklin: Four.
Sam Malone: By the way, Walter...
Walter Franklin: Fourteen. Ah, yes, Sam, what is it?
Sam Malone: How was Diane on a scale of a hundred?
Walter Franklin: Twenty-nine.

Sam Malone: [reading Norm's self-written resume] "Norm Peterson: thought-provoking, poignant, hilarious, a roller coaster of emotions. If you hire only one accountant this year, make it Norm Peterson!" What is this?
Cliff Clavin: He had the paper open to the movie section, Sam.


"Cheers: For Real Men Only (#8.8)" (1989)
Rebecca Howe: Corporate wants me to throw some idiotic stupid retirement party for some insignificant middle management nobody.
Sam Malone: You're retiring? Congratulations!

Cliff Clavin: [in comparison to a Jewish bris] The original rites of passage started with the jungle tribes down there in Borneo.
Norm Peterson: Yeah?
Cliff Clavin: When the young jungle tribal lad was on the brink of puberty, they'd bring him forward and take out this large sharpened clam shell...
Sam Malone: Oh, no, no, no don't tell me...
Cliff Clavin: ...they would fill it with dip, pass it around with the hors d'oeuvres...
Sam Malone: Oh.
Cliff Clavin: ...then they'd take these two big jagged rocks in there...
Norm Peterson: Cliffy, Cliff, Cliff...
Cliff Clavin: ...and bang them together to call in the tribes out of the hills, you know. Then the witch doctor stepped up with this long sharpened bamboo staff...
Sam Malone: Oh, here it comes.
Cliff Clavin: ...and shoved it into the ground, hung a flag on it and they danced around it, pretty much, until they dropped, really.
Sam Malone: Oh, wait... When do they circumcize the kid?
Cliff Clavin: What do you mean circumsize? There are no Jews in Borneo, you moolyak.

Dr. Frasier Crane: God, aren't I a pompous ass.
Sam Malone: No, you're not pompous.

Dr. Frasier Crane: [Walking into Cheers with Frederick when he is supposed to be having his bris] The bris is off, I've kidnapped my son.
Sam Malone: You kidnapped him? What about the bris?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Sam, I just couldn't go through with it. I mean, I tried to, for tradition and Lilith and all that. But, my God, I'm the boy's father. And that guy was about to give my son one hell of a boo-boo!

Sam Malone: [after the bris, walking out of the pool room with a crying Frederick in his arms] It's okay, baby. Everything is going to be fine.
Dr. Frasier Crane: [following Sam, with a crying Lilith in his arms] It's okay, baby. Everything is going to be fine. Say, you know, what do you say next time, we have a girl?
Dr. Lilith Sternin: [whimpering] Mm-hm.

Dr. Frasier Crane: [Talking about Frederick's impending bris, to which everyone has been invited] You know, the ceremony promises to be quite enlightening, too. After all, it's not every day you're ritually circumcised.
Sam Malone: [Alarmed] What?
Dr. Lilith Sternin: Well, that's what a bris is.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes. It's the religious ceremony where the baby is circumcised.
Sam Malone: [Much relieved] Oh, the baby!


"Cheers: Manager Coach (#2.8)" (1983)
Sam Malone: Every guy needs a hobby, right?
Norm Peterson: I wish I had time for one.
Cliff Clavin: Norm, you've got time to make your own coal.

Sam Malone: [about the Coach] He's winning Diane, and winning's the most important thing here.
Diane Chambers: Well, I don't think winning is the most important thing here.
Sam Malone: Well good, then you won't mind losing this argument.
Diane Chambers: Over my dead body.
Sam Malone: Hey, don't bring last night into this.
Diane Chambers: That's exactly what it was: your *last* night.

Diane Chambers: [about Coach] He's obsessing. I know all the signs. I had a small obsession myself until I got some help.
Sam Malone: You did?
Diane Chambers: Yes, I was obsessive compulsive about neatness. I demanded that everything be in its proper place. But now, look at the laissez-faire attitude I have about my apron. Huh? Now in the old days, I would have insisted that it be pencil, pen, pencil, pen, pad. Well now, it doesn't matter if it's pen, pencil, pen, pencil, pad, or pencil pencil pen pen pad, or even pencil pen pad, pencil pen.
Diane Chambers: [looking down at the current state of her apron] There's one thing that I cannot have and it's this: pad, pen, pen, pencil, pencil. That's just irritating.

Carla Tortelli: Sam, where do you stand on breastfeeding?
Sam Malone: Well, as I recall, I liked it.
Carla Tortelli: No... I mean me, here in the bar.
Sam Malone: Oh, Carla... Well, I guess it's cheaper than a piano player.

Sam Malone: [declining an offer to coach Little League] I spend half my time trying to keep this bar on its feet, and the other half trying to keep Diane off hers.

[one of Coach's Little Leaguers has pinched Diane's rear]
Sam Malone: You're gonna kick him off the team just for that one little incident?
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: No, Sam, that's not the only reason. He's leading the league in errors. The only thing he's had his hands on all week is Diane's keister.


"Frasier: The Show Where Sam Shows Up (#2.16)" (1995)
Sam Malone: This is strange. I gotta tell you, I didn't know he had a brother.
Niles: Frasier, I don't mind telling you I'm a little offended that all the time you spent swapping bon mots with the beer nut set you never once mentioned you had a brother?
Sam Malone: Well, you know, the truth is, I bet he said something, it's just that when Frasier gets going you kind of have to tune him out.
Niles: That's a good slogan for his radio show- "Dr. Frasier Crane, when he gets going, you have to tune him out."

[correcting a continuity error from Cheers]
Martin: [about Frasier] Hey, Sam, what'd he tell you about me, the father, the old cop?
Sam Malone: Well, uh, he told me you were dead.
Martin: [surprised] Dead?
Frasier: Well, we had an argument one day. He called me a stuffed shirt and hung up on me. I was mad.
Sam Malone: [to Martin] You were a cop?
[to Frasier]
Sam Malone: You told me he was a research scientist.
[Martin reacts]
Frasier: [to Martin] You were dead! What did it matter?

Frasier: What the hell you do mean, you were about to get married?
Sam Malone: All right, all right. Uh, well, I met this girl six months ago, and we were supposed to get married. And yesterday, I was standing in this church facing this minister, and I hear him say, "Will you take this woman to be your wife?" and I said, "Who, me?" Well, the next thing you know, I'm running down the aisle and I didn't stop running until I got here.

Frasier: All right, all right, look, look, Sam, come, let's have a seat here and start this thing from the very beginning. Now, who is this woman?
Sam Malone: Ah, she's a terrific person. She's smart, and she's funny; she's horny. I mean, she's just the kind of chick you wanna stick up on a pedestal.
Frasier: You know, Sam, it's always amazed me how you can elevate and demean in the same sentence.

Sam Malone: I'll tell you, man: She's one in million.
Frasier: You know, for most guys that's just an expression.

Roz Doyle: [entering from booth] Fras, I gotta go. Your messages are on my desk and... whoa, who is this?
Sam Malone: I'm Sam Malone. I was a buddy of Frasier's in Boston.
Frasier: This is Roz Doyle.
Roz Doyle: [to Frasier] So this is the Sam Malone you've always talked about? The one who has no respect for women and treats them like dirt?
[to Sam]
Roz Doyle: Need anyone to show you around Seattle?
Sam Malone: Well, you know, to tell you the truth, I'm all right with the city, but I get real lost in my hotel room.
Frasier: Oh, boy. Just look at the two of you face to face. I imagine wild animals all over the Northwest are lifting their heads, alerted to the scent. Good-bye, Roz.
Roz Doyle: Well, if you need any company, give me a call. Here's my number.
Sam Malone: Well, thanks. That's a snazzy card.
Frasier: Yes, it glows in the dark.
Roz Doyle: So do I.


"Cheers: Loverboyd (#8.22)" (1990)
[Sam enters the bar]
Sam Malone: Hey everybody.
Woody Boyd: Oh, Sam. You're just the guy I've been looking for.
Sam Malone: Why is that, Woody?
Woody Boyd: Because you weren't here.

Sam Malone: [picks up one of Kelly's Barbie doll's combs] Boy, this is a great little comb. Teeth aren't too wide, nice flexibility, good heft. I've been looking for one of these for my eyebrows.
Kelly Gaines: That one's for blondes.
Sam Malone: For...? Geesh, you are rich.

Sam Malone: [looks at the over one thousand Barbie dolls in Kelly's bedroom] Boy, G.I. Joe should come here on leave one day.

Sam Malone: [Sam has come down a ladder, as they are trying to find which room in the Gaines mansion belongs to Kelly] Good news, Woody!
Woody Boyd: Alright! You finally found Kelly's bedroom?
Sam Malone: No, I just met the cutest little chambermaid. She was making popcorn. You want some?
Woody Boyd: Sam, how can you think of popcorn when my life and happiness are at stake?
Sam Malone: [Sam pulls the popcorn out of his jacket and offers it to Woody] It's cheddar.
Woody Boyd: Oo, gimme.

Woody Boyd: Kelly, I wanna say something. I'm not just gonna stand still while you run off to Europe. I love you Kelly, and I want to make you Ms Woodrow Tiberius Boyd.
Kelly Gaines: ...Tiberius?
Woody Boyd: [upset that she doesn't like his middle name, and counters with her own in retaliation] Susan!
Sam Malone: Kids, kids, calm down. Why is everybody making such a big fuss about their middle name?
Woody Boyd: What's yours, Sam?
Sam Malone: Hey, shut up!

Sam Malone: The point is that you should be sharing with each other how you feel-names don't matter. I'm not saying that you should get married, but...
Kelly Gaines: No no! Let's get married. Oh, that'll be a blast!
[Woody and Kelly embrace and begin to kiss passionately]
Sam Malone: Well, whether you get married or not, what's important is to share how you feel. How you feel about him, how he feels about you, how...
Kelly Gaines: Woody, I know he's your friend and all, but...
Woody Boyd: [in a direct 'I know what I want' tone of voice] Beat it, Sam.


"Cheers: Birth, Death, Love and Rice (#4.1)" (1985)
Norm Peterson: You know how I've been trying to get Vera pregnant? Congratulate me.
Sam Malone: Hey, hey!
[there is general excitement with Cliff, Carla and Sam]
Sam Malone: Whoa, I think this calls for champagne, here.
Norm Peterson: Why, thank you Sam.
Sam Malone: What sex do you want it to be?
Norm Peterson: Sex? Come on, I thought you just ask for the vintage, you know. Wait, wait, I see your mistake. Vera's not with child. She just told me I didn't have to try and get her pregnant anymore. Let's celebrate, come on, party!

Sam Malone: Carla, uh, I'd like you to meet Woody Boyd. Woody, this is Carla Tortelli.
Woody Boyd: Hi ma'am.
Carla Tortelli: Ma'am? What's that supposed to mean?
Woody Boyd: I believe it's a term of respect.
Carla Tortelli: No wonder it sounded so weird.

Dr. Frasier Crane: [after telling the story of how Diane left him at the altar] The story of my humiliation spread like wildfire through the university, and then to the entire Italian countryside. Everyone knew about it, everyone knew about my shame.
Sam Malone: No, you must have been imagining it.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, was I? Do you know that in soccer, when a player kicks at the ball, misses and falls down, it's now called a 'Frasier'.
Sam Malone: That could be a coincidence.
Dr. Frasier Crane: If he's knocked cold, it's called a 'Frasier Crane'.

Dr. Frasier Crane: [about Diane leaving him at the altar] I've lost everything Malone: my tenure, my practice and my Diane. My life is ruined and it's all your fault. Don't you think someone should pay for that?
[Frasier pulls out a gun and points it in Sam's direction]
Sam Malone: If by someone you mean someone in this room, I, I can honesty answer no, I don't. Oh, come on.
[suddenly becomes calmer]
Sam Malone: Ah, wait a second. What are you doing? The gun's not even loaded.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Certainly it's loaded.
Sam Malone: No it isn't.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, of course you know it's not, because Frasier Crane is a harmless person, who never caused you a moment's concern, not a moment's worry, who was never a threat to your relationship with Diane, and he isn't a threat now. Is that it, Sam?
Sam Malone: [points in the gun's direction] No, it's just that the little holes there are empty.

Sam Malone: [at a convent] You wouldn't happen to know where a men's room was around here, would you?
Diane Chambers: Sam, would you put a men's room in a convent?
Sam Malone: Right now, I would, yes.

Sam Malone: [visiting Diane at the convent] Hi, Diane.
Diane Chambers: Hi, Sam.
[Diane does a double take]
Diane Chambers: AHHHH!


"Cheers: Sam's Women (#1.2)" (1982)
Brandee: My mother told me to watch out for guys in bars.
Sam Malone: Well, then let's get out of this bar so you don't have to worry.

Sam Malone: Does anybody know any good movies?
Norm Peterson: Yeah, what's the name of that new Australian film that's supposed to be so good?
Brandee: No, no Australian films. I hate subtitles.
Diane Chambers: This one's no problem - it's dubbed.

Sam Malone: What's your name?
Brandee: Brandee - with two E's.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Brandee with two E's?
[Brandee nods positively]
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: [reading the liquor bottle in his hands] Big company like this, they spell it wrong.

Sam Malone: I've never met an intelligent woman that I'd want to date.
Diane Chambers: On behalf of the intelligent women around the world, may I just say...
[Diane mocks a big sigh of relief]

[Carla is proving to Diane how shallow Sam is when it comes to women]
Carla Tortelli: [knocking on Sam's office door] Sam, would you come out here for a second?
Sam Malone: Carla, never disturb me.
[Sam notices Brandee]
Sam Malone: Unless there's a customer.


"Cheers: Chambers vs. Malone (#5.13)" (1987)
Sam Malone: Do I look like a guy who is about to do something stupid?
Carla Tortelli: Always.

Diane Chambers: What's wrong?
Sam Malone: I just had a flash that I got the electric chair for killing you.
Diane Chambers: Well that's silly. Massachussetts doesn't have the death penalty.
Sam Malone: What?

Sam Malone: [about Diane] You mean I have to propose to her to keep from going to jail, where I wouldn't be going in the first place if she had said 'yes' to any one of my three proposals?
Judge William E. Grey: That's a very ironic way of putting it.

Sam Malone: [to Diane about their proposal history] You want me to propose to you - I propose to you. You say 'no', I say 'fine, I never want to see you again'. You drive me nuts telling me you want me to propose to again, I do, you turn me down. Next thing I know, I'm in a court of law where I've got to propose to you or I'll go to jail. It's the classic American love story.

[Sam is dreaming he is on death row for killing Diane]
Sam Malone: Father, do you really believe in the afterlife?
Priest: Yes, my son, I do.
Sam Malone: Oh, good.
Sam Malone: [about Diane] Maybe I can find her there, and get her again.


"Cheers: Home Is the Sailor (#6.1)" (1987)
Sam Malone: I can't believe the number of changes around here. Thank God, you're still pregnant, huh? Who's the lucky guy?
Carla Tortelli: Everybody but Eddie LeBec.

Woody Boyd: Sam, what happened to your round the world sail?
Sam Malone: Well, it kind of lost some of it's appeal, Woody, after I sank.
Woody Boyd, Carla Tortelli, Dr. Frasier Crane: Sank? Where?
Sam Malone: Somewhere in the Caribbean.
Woody Boyd: You must feel terrible.
Sam Malone: Well, no, not really. You know, a lot of good came out of it. I discovered a reef that nobody had ever heard of. They even named it after me: No Brains Atoll.

Sam Malone: [looks at Carla and Woody, who are dressed similarly in their uniforms, and points at their clothes] Maybe you two should start calling each other in the morning.

Sam Malone: [notices all the changes in his old office] Where's Dave?
Rebecca Howe: Dave?
Sam Malone: My moose head.
Rebecca Howe: I set him free. If he really loves you, he'll come back.

Sam Malone: A lot of people may not know this, but I happen to be quite famous.


"Cheers: One for the Book (#1.11)" (1982)
Sam Malone: Hi. What'll you have?
Kevin: Ah, I'll have a carafe of your house whiskey.
Sam Malone: Excuse me?
Kevin: Ah, is that a bad order?
Sam Malone: Well, not if you're a party of twenty.

[Kevin, a novice drinker, is drunk. Sam, in an effort to sober him up, has been serving him coffee]
Kevin: Sam, I want a drink that only men drink. Something that makes women sick.
Sam Malone: I'll give you some more coffee.
Kevin: No, no, I want something stronger than coffee.
Sam Malone: I'll give you yesterday's coffee.

Sam Malone: When I played baseball, I mean I used to get quoted all the time. I mean, reporters used to hang around my locker just waiting for me to say something intelligent.
Diane Chambers: I know the feeling.

Sam Malone: You're telling me that I'm too dumb to be in that book.
Diane Chambers: Sam, there are a lot of people in this book just as dumb as you are.

Sam Malone: Oh, sir, save your quarter. That piano hasn't worked in twenty years.
Carla Tortelli: Use the jukebox. It doesn't work, either, but it's only a dime.
Norm Peterson: Sammy, why do you keep something around that doesn't work?
Carla Tortelli: [next to Diane] Because no one else will give her a job.


"Cheers: Send in the Crane (#7.9)" (1989)
Sam Malone: [to Norm, Cliff and Pete] Why do you guys remember my love life better than I do?
Norm Peterson: Well, I think it meant more to us, Sammy.

Judy Marlowe: Guess what?
Sam Malone: What?
Judy Marlowe: My daughter Laurie came along to say 'Hi.'
Sam Malone: You know, I'd love to see her again. Weren't the three of us-didn't we have fun together? Huh?
Judy Marlowe: You were always a great 'Uncle Sammy.' A lot of men get jealous-they don't want to share.
Sam Malone: Hey, I hope I never get so possessive that I'm not willing...
Laurie Marlowe: [walks into the bar, not the little girl Sam remembers, but a grown-up and attractive young woman] Hi, Mom!
Sam Malone: -to share!

Laurie Marlowe: I'm fine, Mr Malone.
Sam Malone: Mr Malone? Hey, come on, I'm the same guy that used to push you on the swings, and gave you piggyback rides, and played with you in the bathtub...
Judy Marlowe: [interrupting Sam] No, that was me.

Sam Malone: Sweetheart, I've handled trickier situations than this before. Remember that time I dated, those lovely Henshaw Triplets all at the same time?
Carla LeBec: Sammy, first of all, that was back when you were drinking like a fish. And second of all, that was one chick.

Sam Malone: Say Laurie, I want to tell you how happy I am that you feel you can come and talk to me, because I feel that you and I have this-
[suddenly notices a ring on her finger]
Sam Malone: . Oh look at that. A new ring?
Laurie Marlowe: That's what I came to ask you.
Sam Malone: What?
Laurie Marlowe: I'm getting married, and I want you to give me away!
Sam Malone: [covering up how he 'really feels'] Why you little slu-y one.


"Cheers: Swear to God (#7.2)" (1988)
Suzanne Porter: Boy, what a day.
Sam Malone: Yeah?
Suzanne Porter: Yeah. I can't wait for it to end. All I can think about is getting home and jumping into bed.
Sam Malone: Do you need anybody to break your fall? Hi, Sam Malone.
Suzanne Porter: Hi, Suzanne Porter.
Woody Boyd: Sam, you done picking up on this lady?
Sam Malone: Not quite Woody.
Woody Boyd: I'm sorry to interrupt you, but Denise called.
Sam Malone: Ohhhh, Denise.
Suzanne Porter: Who's Denise?
Sam Malone: Um, my brother's kid. Uh, Denise, yeah. I have to say hi to her and her brother, Denephew.

[Sam is rushing out of the bar to see old flame Denise]
Suzanne Porter: Where are you going?
Sam Malone: Ah, to my niece's house. Her grandma's sick.
Suzanne Porter: If it's your niece's grandma, wouldn't that be your mother?
Sam Malone: My mom's sick? Oh my God.

Carla LeBec: [about Sam's news that he may have fathered a child] Are you sure it's yours?
Sam Malone: No, it's between me and another guy, but the kid's a real looker, so, you know, you figure it out.

[after Sam has made a vow to God to give up sex, Sam and Carla argue about what they see as possible signs from God]
Carla LeBec: Let's face it Sam, that was a warning and you better take heed.
Sam Malone: OK, come on, what's he going to do?
Carla LeBec: Well, my cousin Tino...
Sam Malone: Yeah?
Carla LeBec: ...swore he'd give up meat. That night, he ate a burger. The next day, his teeth fell out.
Sam Malone: Oh, come on Carla, there's no connection, here. I swore would not have sex, so... Oh, oh, oh...

Rachel Patterson: [walks up behind Sam, puts her hands over his eyes] Guess who.
Sam Malone: Uh-oh.
Rachel Patterson: I'll give you a hint: Vermont ski lodge, a roaring fire, and baby oil.
Sam Malone: Um... could you be more specific?


"Cheers: One for the Road (#11.25)" (1993)
[Last line of the series]
Sam Malone: Boy, I tell you, I'm the luckiest son of a bitch on earth.
[a man knocks at the door]
Sam Malone: Sorry, we're closed.

Norm Peterson: You know what I think the most important thing in life is? It's love. And do you know what I love?
Sam Malone: Beer, Norm?
Norm Peterson: [looks at his watch] Yeah, I'll have a quick one.

Sam Malone: How's it going, Cliffy?
Cliff Clavin: [angrily] I'm in no mood to talk.
[there is thunderous applause from everyone in the bar]

Rebecca Howe: Can you believe that? I shoot for Donald Trump, and I end up with Ed Norton.
Dr. Frasier Crane: But you did good, Rebecca.
Rebecca Howe: I did, didn't I? Bye!
Sam Malone: See ya, Trixie!

Diane Chambers: I came back on a quest for the truth!
Sam Malone: Ahh... ahh... And you just brought along your one-man Warren Commission there!


"Cheers: Don Juan Is Hell (#4.11)" (1985)
Carla Tortelli: [about Diane] Oh Sam, would you please see if you could light a fire under the Stick. She's been goofing off for an hour.
Sam Malone: Oh yeah?
Carla Tortelli: Yeah. She's got to write some paper about sex and she can't think of anything to write about.
Sam Malone: You're kidding me? She's studied for a whole year at Sammy State.
[Sam runs over to Diane]
Sam Malone: Hey there. I hear you're writing a paper on sex. Is there any way I can help out?
Diane Chambers: Thank you, Sam. This paper is on 'human' sexuality.

Diane Chambers: [about her first sexual encounter] It was the summer of my nineteenth year. He was a young man in uniform. It was a brief encounter. He left my arms and went to his doom.
Sam Malone: Oh no, he was killed, huh?
Diane Chambers: No, no, he went off to boot camp and came back with the most God awful haircut I'd ever seen.

Sam Malone: [reading the cover page of the paper Diane wrote on his sexual behavior] "The Don Juan Syndrome in Modern Culture - An Analysis of..."
[he stumbles on the final word]
Sam Malone: "... Satyriasis". Oh man, she did it. She even made my sex life boring.
Carla Tortelli: And not for the first time.

Sam Malone: [about the paper Diane wrote on his sexual behavior] It makes my life seem so cheap and pathetic.
Diane Chambers: Sam, you're reading things into this.
Sam Malone: [points at a page in the paper] Like here where it says, "his life is cheap and pathetic"?

Sam Malone: [about the paper Diane wrote on his sexual behavior] Everything in here is true, including the part about, I've never had a non-sexual relationship.
Diane Chambers: Now there. That's a good example of exaggeration. You and I have a non-sexual relationship.
Sam Malone: How can you say that?
Diane Chambers: Well, I think the fact that we don't have sex is a major hint.


"Cheers: Show Down: Part 1 (#1.21)" (1983)
Diane Chambers: Derek just wants to fly me out to Martha's Vineyard tonight.
Sam Malone: In a plane or on his back?

Sam Malone: I think that you and Derek will make a great match.
Diane Chambers: Really?
Sam Malone: Yeah. Both of you think that you're perfect, and one of you is right.

Diane Chambers: Sam, you talk alot about our having a dalliance, but I've always been told that "barking dogs don't bite."
Sam Malone: Bi-ting. Is that what you're into?
Diane Chambers: Do you know what bothers me? There are women upon whom this works... and they are allowed to vote and drive cars.

Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: [Sam's brother is coming to visit] Let me do it. I'm a smoothie about breaking bad news.
[Coach goes over to Sam's office door and knocks]
Sam Malone: Yeah?
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Sam, your apartment burned down. You lost everything.
Sam Malone: Oh, my god. Really?
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: No, no, no. Your brother's in town. He's on his way over. Makes you feel better, doesn't it?
Sam Malone: I hate it when you do that, Coach.

Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Sam, a nuclear bomb just got Boston.
Sam Malone: What?
[Sam and Diane exchange glances]
Diane Chambers, Sam Malone: Derek's here.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: They're catching on.


"Cheers: Sisterly Love (#7.21)" (1989)
Sam Malone: You are Susan Howe, the actress. I loved you in that two-headed movie.
Susan Howe: Oh, which one? I did two of them. Was it the one where the head was coming out of my neck?
Sam Malone: Yeah, that's the one.
Susan Howe: Oh thank goodness, because the other one I am not proud of.

Rebecca Howe: Sam, why are you so desperate to see my sister and I make up? I mean, what is it to you? Is this another stupid ploy to get me into bed?
Sam Malone: Rebecca, don't be ridiculous, I'm thinking of both of you.

Rebecca Howe: [having caught her sister attempting to seduce Sam] Oh no, sister. I don't hurt anymore. I am way beyond hurt.
Sam Malone: Don't be silly now, girls, please.
Rebecca Howe: [pulling out a gun] And now it is Susan Howe's turn to hurt!
Sam Malone: [shocked] Hey, that's a gun!
Rebecca Howe: It ain't licorice!
Sam Malone: [attempting to mediate] Now, come on, let's talk about this. This is silly.
Susan Howe: No, please! I'm too young to die!
Sam Malone: Rebecca...
[Susan screams just before Rebecca fires the gun at her, causing Susan to crumple to the floor]
Sam Malone: [shocked] Holy cow!
Rebecca Howe: That was for Dan Buttinger! And this is for Jeff Carnahan...
[Rebecca fires at Susan again]
Rebecca Howe: ...and Mike Deets...
[Rebecca fires at Susan again]
Rebecca Howe: ...and Sam Malone.
[Rebecca fires 3 shots at Susan again]
Sam Malone: [reeling around in shock at what he just witnessed] Oh boy, oh boy!

Sam Malone: [upon realizing that Susan and Rebecca Howe played a practical joke on him, making him think Rebecca had killed Susan] That wasn't funny. I mean that's the kind of thing that could, you know, give somebody serious, mental damage. Am I right, Lilith?
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: No, it was funny, Sam.

Sam Malone: I'm never gonna speak to either one of you again.
Rebecca Howe: Oh Sam, that's really too bad. Because you know, in a way, fending off your stupid advances brought Susan and I back together. We haven't been this close since we were kids. We're grateful.
Sam Malone: [interest piqued] How grateful?


"Cheers: Whodunit? (#3.13)" (1985)
Sam Malone: What seems to be the problem here, folks?
Frasier Crane: Well, Sam, my colleague has dropped a crumb during dinner, and in the intervening hours it has been encrusted on his tie.
Cliff Clavin: Oh what, you can take Norm's tie here, put it in a kettle and make soup. Incidently, it's a little known fact that the tie was invented in ancient times to be used as a bib, you know, to wipe your chin.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: You mean they're thinking of changing that?
Sam Malone: Why don't you just tell the guy that he's got a spot?
Frasier Crane: [mockingly] Gee, that's an idea. Why didn't we just come to Sam in the first place? Sam, you just don't say, "there's a spot on your tie" to a man the stature of Dr. Bennett Ludlow.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: THE Bennett Ludlow?
Diane Chambers: You've heard of him, Coach?
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: No.
Frasier Crane: Coach, he's only one of the true giants of psychiatry: author, innovator, educator and I'm not ashamed to say my idol and inspiration.
Norm Peterson: All right, you lean over, you pretend you're admiring his tie tack, and then just nibble the morsel off really quick. Who's the wiser?!
Diane Chambers: Sam is right. We have to tell him.
Frasier Crane: Of course you're right. Oh Sam, may we have three brandies please. And I guess I'm the one who should tell him. After all, I'm the one who suggested beef wellington.
Norm Peterson: Beef wellington, you say?!
[makes a motion toward Bennett Ludlow]
Norm Peterson: Where's that tie?!
Frasier Crane: Just have to find a way to tell him as subtle and tactful a way that will allow him to preserve his dignity.
[meanwhile Carla approaches Bennett Ludlow's table]
Carla Tortelli: Hey, Pigpen. What's that thing?
[points at the crumb on his tie]
Carla Tortelli: What are you trying, to catch pidgeons? Ew.
[picks the crumb off his tie]
Dr. Bennett Ludlow: Thank you very much.
Carla Tortelli: Ah, don't mention it. I like a man who wears his dinner with pride.

Sam Malone: You know, I've been thinking...
Diane Chambers: Have you?! The oddsmakers take a beating again.

Frasier Crane: [about the possibility that Bennett Ludlow and Carla are dating] Sam, you're talking about one of the most distinguished and accomplished men of letters I know, dating a common barmaid.
Sam Malone: You're dating a barmaid.
Frasier Crane: Well, she wasn't a barmaid when I met her.
Sam Malone: Oh, that's right, that's right. She was a lunatic.

Carla Tortelli: [addressing everyone in the bar] OK, OK, you're all going to know eventually, so you might as well know now. I turned Benny down, and I'm pregnant again. So in case your math is bad, that makes six, count 'em six kids for an unmarried woman. I don't want your sappy looks, I don't want your charity, I don't want your sympathy. As a matter of fact, I don't even want to talk about this anymore. I just want to be left alone to live my life. Got it?
Sam Malone: Got it.
[Everyone in the bar returns to what they were doing, respecting Carla's wishes. After a few seconds, Carla turns back to everyone and notices everyone back to their previous routine.]
Carla Tortelli: What are you people made of, stone?!
[everyone rushes over to her to offer support]

Diane Chambers: [Sam suspects Carla is dating Frasier's mentor] Frasier is in a very fragile state of mind. Your asinine theories, while suitable fodder for inane bar conversation, do nothing to ease his fit of pique.
Sam Malone: Wait a minute here. The one word I understood in that, I don't exactly care for. My theory is not asinine.
[as Diane talks, Ludlow enters the bar, and embraces Carla]
Diane Chambers: You're right. It's a lot worse. Think of the two of them together. Bennett Ludlow and Carla? It's harebrained! Just imagine it.
[Diane turns around and sees the embrace, then turns back to Sam]
Diane Chambers: Well, you don't have to imagine it. There it is. Have you ever...
[Diane does a double take]
Diane Chambers: AHHHH!
Sam Malone: No, I guess I haven't.
Frasier Crane: Diane, what's...
[Frasier turns and sees Carla and Ludlow]
Frasier Crane: AHHHH!


"Cheers: I'll Gladly Pay You Tuesday (#4.6)" (1985)
Diane Chambers: [after Sam loans her $500] Even so, it was hard to come in here and ask for this given our past physical relationship.
Sam Malone: Yeah, kind of feels like you should be giving me the money, doesn't it.

Sam Malone: [about the $500 he leant Diane] What did she spend it on?
Carla Tortelli: A book.
Sam Malone: A book.
Carla Tortelli: A book.
Sam Malone: One book?
Carla Tortelli: One single, five hundred dollar book. And it's already been a movie.

[as collateral, Diane hands over a book she bought for $500 of Sam's money]
Sam Malone: [incredulously] God, it really is a book.
Diane Chambers: It's a book, and a very valuable book. It's a first edition Hemingway.
Sam Malone: [looks at the cover] 'The Sun Also Rises'. Boy, that's real profound.
Diane Chambers: I purchased it for five hundred dollars, but I'm sure it's worth a great deal more. It's signed by Ernest Hemingway himself.
Sam Malone: For five hundred bucks, you'd think Margaux Hemingway'd come over to your house and act it out for you.

Diane Chambers: Sam, go get it from the safe.
Sam Malone: Yeah, see, all right, this may take a minute. Ah, the safe's... the combination's kind of complex.
Diane Chambers: Don't you remember? It's your birthday.
Sam Malone: It is?! Hell, I should be out there celebrating.

Diane Chambers: What's taking you so long?
Sam Malone: Well, ah, I was just thinking...
Diane Chambers: Say no more.


"Cheers: Someone Single, Someone Blue (#1.20)" (1983)
Sam Malone: I just want to say it's nice to finally meet you, Mrs. Chambers.
Mrs. Helen Chambers: It's nice to meet you, Sam. Diane's told me about you. You're almost as handsome as she says you think you are.
Sam Malone: [feeling insulted] There's a compliment in there someplace, I'm sure.

Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: [about an elderly gentleman who just left the bar] You know something? That's the first guy I ever met that was actually on the Titanic, Sam.
Sam Malone: He survived the Titanic?
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: I forgot to ask.

Diane: Oh, Ernie Pantuso, but you can call him 'Coach'.
Coach: Or you can call me 'Red'.
Diane: Red?
Sam: Yeah, during his playing days his teammates used to call him Red.
Mrs. Helen Chambers: Oh because your hair was red?
Coach: Oh no ma'am. Because I read a book.

Diane: [about to marry Sam] I hate your guts, and I always will.
Sam Malone: Well, that goes double for me.
Norm Peterson: [to Carla] I understand they wrote their own vows.


"Cheers: Teacher's Pet (#3.16)" (1985)
Diane Chambers: ...if this is part of some involved scheme to get me back in bed with you, you will be very disappointed.
Sam Malone: Yeah, but you'll enjoy yourself.

Diane Chambers: [Diane storms into Sam's office, angry] Sam Malone, this is absolutely...
Sam Malone: ...the worst thing I've ever done.
Diane Chambers: ...the worst thing you've... - wait a minute. You don't even know what I'm going to say. I just found out that you have been...
Sam Malone: ...sleeping with my teacher.
Diane Chambers: That's right. And that's not the worst part of it. She also has been giving you...
Sam Malone: ...good marks because of it.
Diane Chambers: Yes. Are you admitting that you're doing this and that you know it's wrong?
Sam Malone: Yeah, that's right.
Diane Chambers: Oh, yeah? Well... stop slouching. Look what's happened to your posture.
Sam Malone: What?
Diane Chambers: I needed something.

Diane Chambers: [about her former relationship with Sumner Sloan] For your information, I was a legitimate A student in the classroom. I never got good grades in the sack.
Sam Malone: Oh, don't worry, I always gave you an E for effort, didn't I?

Sam Malone: Carla, what do you know about Geography?
Carla Tortelli: I know what creek you're up.


"Cheers: Thanksgiving Orphans (#5.9)" (1986)
Sam Malone: Come on, you guys, come on. We don't have to bite each others' heads off here.
Cliff Clavin: It may be the only thing we get to eat this day, Sammy.

Norm Peterson: Everybody get enough to eat?
Dr. Frasier Crane: You know, I never had a chance to try the potatoes.
Sam Malone: [scooping mashed potatoes off the mantelpiece onto Frasier's plate] Oh, well here, let me...

Woody Boyd: This is Thanksgiving, and I still say this is going to be the greatest.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, who the hell do we think we're kidding? We're all a bunch of pathetic dropouts. Scorned by our loved ones - as if anybody ever loved us at all.
Sam Malone: Hey, will you lighten up, man? The only thing wrong here is, we're hungry. Now, who else wants to join me in these... ice cold potatoes?
Cliff Clavin: It'll go great here with the Jell-o soup.
Dr. Frasier Crane: I'm dying to try some of the hair growing on the crudités!

Sam Malone: Oh, look at that will you? Nice Rudolph.
Woody Boyd: I made it myself.
Sam Malone: No kidding?
Woody Boyd: You know, Rudolph is my favourite guy in the Christmas song.
Sam Malone: Yeah.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Apparently then Woody, you're unaware that the story of "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" is one of the most unrealistic and therefore potentially damaging in all of children's music. It gives them a horribly distorted view of reality.
Woody Boyd: Yeah, but you got to admit, it's easy to whistle.
Dr. Frasier Crane: No, I'm serious. First the other reindeer tease and then ostracise him. And then when his abnormality proves of service, they use him.
Dr. Frasier Crane: [Sam and Woody are speechless] But then do they allow him to play in their stupid reindeer games?
Sam Malone, Woody Boyd: Yes.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, no, I know how the song goes. In fact, not only do Donner, Blitzen, et al, not love him and laugh out loud with glee, but they doubly dispise the bulbous-nosed little wimp.
Dr. Frasier Crane: [Frasier gets up] Well, I've got to be off. Happy Holidays!
[Frasier leaves, Sam and Woody are shocked]


"Cheers: Norm's First Hurrah (#5.23)" (1987)
Cliff Clavin: Boy oh boy, talk about your lucky days, huh, I just found twenty smackers back there in the pool room. And to celebrate my good fortune, I'm going to buy a round a drinks for all my friends.
Carla Tortelli: What are you going to do with the other nineteen bucks?
Sam Malone: Woody, that could be your twenty dollar bill, the one you lost.
Woody Boyd: Hey yeah, you know I was in the pool room earlier.
Cliff Clavin: Hey, wait a second. Let's be fair about this. Give me the serial number.
Sam Malone: Oh, come on man. Nobody knows serial numbers.
Woody Boyd: L21886119B
Cliff Clavin: [hands the bill to Woody] That's amazing.
Sam Malone: How did you do that?
Woody Boyd: I memorize the serial numbers on all my currency.
Sam Malone: Why?
Woody Boyd: For just such an occasion. Tell you though, I pray every day I don't get rich.

Diane Chambers: [about their honeymoon] I told you where I want to go: Tibet.
Sam Malone: Well, it's our honeymoon. Of course we're going to bed.

Sam Malone: It looks like where the dogs sleep.
Diane Chambers: It is. The dogs sleep with us. You wouldn't want to freeze, would you?
Sam Malone: Diane, I didn't sleep with dogs when I was single. I'm not about to start now.
Diane Chambers: For goodness sake, don't you want to taste the exciting and fascinating things that life has to offer?
Sam Malone: Nope, I'd rather marry you.

Diane Chambers: Aren't you coming?
Sam Malone: Well, I have to take care of the bar here.
Diane Chambers: Oh Sam, we've got to show Norman our impressive phalanx.
Sam Malone: Oh, that's all right, honey. He's seen mine at the gym.


"Cheers: No Rest for the Woody (#10.14)" (1992)
[the bar is dark and seemingly empty as it's closed for the evening. The telephone rings, and the answering machine picks up]
Sam Malone: [voice on the answering machine] Hi. This is Cheers. Leave a message at the beep.
[the answering machine beeps]
Vera Peterson: [voice on the telephone] Norm, this is Vera. Please pick up. Norm! Norm!
[Vera hangs up the telephone. The telephone rings again and the answering machine picks up]
Sam Malone: [voice on the answering machine] Hi. This is Cheers. Leave a message at the beep.
[the answering machine beeps]
Vera Peterson: [voice on the telephone] Norm, I know you're there. Pick up the phone, Norm. It's three o'clock in the morning. I want you to come home. Norm? Norm!
[Vera hangs up the telephone. The telephone rings again and the answering machine picks up]
Sam Malone: [voice on the answering machine] Hi. This is Cheers. Leave a message at the beep.
[the answering machine beeps]
Vera Peterson: [voice on the telephone] Hi, Sam? This is Vera Peterson again. Listen, uh, ignore those messages. It turns out, Norm was here in bed next to me the whole time. And I thought that big lump was our dog. Who knew?

Sam Malone: [about the enagement ring Woody bought for Kelly] How can you afford that on your salary?
Woody Boyd: Oh, don't worry, Sam. I'm getting a night job.
Sam Malone: You're going do another job when you leave here at two thirty in the morning?
Woody Boyd: Yup. Graveyard shift.
Sam Malone: Where?
Woody Boyd: Graveyard, Sam.
Woody Boyd: [sarcastically] Gee whiz, say goodnight Gracie.

Sam Malone: Ah, how do you do, Mr. Gaines, I'm Sa...
Mr. Walter Gaines: No, don't introduce yourself to me.
Sam Malone: Oh, that's right. We've met.
Mr. Walter Gaines: No. I just don't care who you are.

Kelly Gaines: [about Woody] Is he OK?
Sam Malone: Yeah, he's fine. It's just he's been working twenty-four hours a day for the past four days.
Kelly Gaines: Is that a lot? I'm not part of the workforce.


"Cheers: Executive Sweet (#7.3)" (1988)
Rebecca Howe: ...I'm not going out with you.
Sam Malone: Ah, come on... But why?
Rebecca Howe: Because I'm concentrating on my career.
Sam Malone: That's fine. But before you make the final decision on this, let's try this. Have sex with me twenty-five times, and if at the end of the night you're still not sure, I won't say another thing.
Rebecca Howe: No, Sam. Look, I have wasted too much time. I'm not getting any younger, and I've made a decision to only date men who can help my career.
Sam Malone: You know, they have a name for women like that.
Rebecca Howe: Yeah: Vice-President.

Sam Malone: So, how did your meeting go?
Rebecca Howe: It was very nice. I met the new boss, Mr. Teal. We exchanged pleasantries. You're no longer the co-manager and have been demoted to just bartender.
Sam Malone: Demoted? Just like that? What, the company didn't have the courtesy to give me a phone call?
Carla LeBec: By the way, Sammy, you had a phone call this afternoon. You've been demoted.
Sam Malone: Why didn't you tell me?
Carla LeBec: What do I look like, an answering service for bartenders?

Rebecca Howe: You know, Martin could pick up the phone and get a reservation at any top restaurant in Boston at a moment's notice.
Sam Malone: Oh, and I can't?
Rebecca Howe: Well, pick up the phone and get me a reservation at ah... , Chez Maurice.
Sam Malone: I already said I can't. But I do have an in at Shea Stadium though.

Rebecca Howe: ...it wouldn't be in my best interest to say no.
Sam Malone: Oh, please. You don't have the guts to say no to this guy.
Rebecca Howe: That is absolutely not true. I choose to not have the guts to say no to this guy.


"Cheers: Peterson Crusoe (#3.11)" (1984)
Norm Peterson: [about a spot found on his chest x-ray] Ever since I heard this news, all I can think of is how I may be coming to the end of my life with nothing to show for it.
Diane Chambers: Well, you've got all of us, your friends. And we're going to be with you, all the way through this.
Sam Malone: You bet.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: You mean we're going to have to have the surgery and everything, Diane? I'm not saying I won't do it.
Diane Chambers: I'll explain it later, Coach.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Everybody says, "I'll explain it later".

Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Norm. Normie, you want to hear a crazy, hopeless dream? I wanted to play baseball, and uh, maybe coach a little you know, and then afterward tend bar in a nice place. And look what happened to me?
Sam Malone: Coach, that's exactly what happened to you.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Oh yeah. No wonder I'm such a happy guy.

Diane Chambers: Sometimes there is no pleasure in conquest.
Sam Malone: Yeah, I haven't forgotten our first night together either.

Diane Chambers: [about Carla's depression from losing a bet to Diane] She should be over this by now. It's been weeks. I've robbed her of her zest for life.
Sam Malone: You do have that affect on people.


"Cheers: Diane's Allergy (#3.10)" (1984)
Diane Chambers: Sam. Frasier and I have something important to tell you.
Frasier Crane: Sam, this may be rough going. I mean, despite your vehement protests to the contrary, and with no intention of disparaging your sincerity, but Diane and I believe that you may still be suffering some emotional residue from the turbulent relationship you had with Diane.
Sam Malone: I'm sorry Frasier. I must have dozed off for a paragraph or two.

Sam Malone: I had a puppy once. My ex-wife took her. The little bitch. About this high.

Frasier Crane: [about his dog, who Sam now owns] So, Sam, listen, fill me in. I'm hungry for news about little Pavlov.
Sam Malone: [a slight pause] Pavlov? Oh, you must mean little Diane.
Frasier Crane: I beg your pardon?
Sam Malone: Yeah, I renamed the puppy "Diane". I figured you wouldn't mind. I mean it's my puppy now. Yeah, oh boy, I tell you, it's so wonderful. I come home, she gives me a little trouble, I swat her on the rear end, I say, "Shut up, Diane", and she does. It's heaven.
Frasier Crane: Sam, I have to be honest with you. Changing the dog's name hurts me a little. Don't you think two "Diane"'s will be a little confusing?
Sam Malone: Well, maybe you're right. I hadn't thought of that. Well, we'll just have to call your girlfriend "Pavlov".

Norm Peterson: Sammy, Frasier walks out of here with Diane, and you get to go home to a dog.
Sam Malone: Yeah. Somebody up there likes me.


"Cheers: Behind Every Great Man (#3.19)" (1985)
Sam Malone: Guys, does anybody remember anything that Diane has ever said about impressionism?
Carla Tortelli: No, but I know she makes a bad first one. After that, it gets worse.

Sam Malone: Um, I'm sorry Diane. One more art question here.
Diane Chambers: What is it Sam?
Sam Malone: Uh, all right. Excuse me.
[Sam places an art book in front of Diane]
Sam Malone: OK, now this Rubens guy. Is this the same guy that invented that sandwich?
Diane Chambers: No, no, I don't think so.
Sam Malone: Well, OK, I was just wondering. Boy, cause I tell you, the women in his paintings look like they really tuck away the groceries.

Diane Chambers: Well, Sam I guess I'll be going home. Unless there's something you'd like to talk to me about. Now that we're almost alone and we have a private moment.
[she is expecting Sam to ask her to go away for a romantic weekend]
Sam Malone: Well, actually there is something I'd like to ask you.
[He is going to ask her to tend bar for the weekend while he's away. The only other time she tended bar, she didn't like it and did badly]
Diane Chambers: Oh? Ask away.
Sam Malone: You know, you've been acting kind of strange today, is there...
Diane Chambers: Well, I've had something on my mind.
Sam Malone: Ah-ha. Well, me too. Ah... Well, it's getting pretty tough for me to ask you, actually, um...
Diane Chambers: Sam, if it makes it any easier, I know what you're going to ask.
Sam Malone: You do?
Diane Chambers: Yes. I overheard your conversation. Perhaps I shouldn't have, but I couldn't help it. You're going to ask about this weekend, aren't you?
Sam Malone: Yeah. Yeah. The first time we tried it, it didn't turn out too hot. Well, I'm going to take full responsibility for that.
Diane Chambers: Well. I'm sure that I was at fault too.
Sam Malone: Well, whatever, whatever. I think the important thing is that it'll be better this time, now you know where everything is.
Diane Chambers: Well, I suppose that's true.
Sam Malone: Yeah, I'll tell you what. Ah, if you like this weekend, maybe we can talk about making it permanent. What do you say?
Diane Chambers: Permanent? Is that what you want Sam?
Sam Malone: Well, I'm not making any promises here. Let, ah, let's just see how the weekend goes. OK? Is tomorrow at 3 OK, cause I already made reservations...
Diane Chambers: I know, I'm... Sam, I'm, I'm just overwhelmed.
Sam Malone: Oh, come on, you don't have to be nervous. Listen, after your first couple of drinks, you'll relax, get into it and I think you'll actually enjoy it.
Diane Chambers: Well, it does seem to help.
Sam Malone: Yeah.
Diane Chambers: Oh, Sam...
Sam Malone: What, what, what?
Diane Chambers: Well, everything's going so fast. My mind is a tumult. I feel like we're on a runaway train. Where will it end? I, I, I've got to think about this, I'm sorry.
[heads out of the bar]
Sam Malone: Boy you really are taking this seriously.
[yells after her as she leaves the bar]
Sam Malone: Hey, listen, don't worry, if you break anything, I'm fully insured.

Sam Malone: [Norm enters the bar] What do you want, Norm?
Norm Peterson: A reason to live. Keep 'em coming.


"Cheers: Pick a Con... Any Con (#1.19)" (1983)
Sam Malone: You're in a pretty good mood today.
Diane Chambers: Why not? Last night I was up until two in the morning finishing off Kierkegaard.
Sam Malone: I hope he thanked you for it.

[Sam and Diane are talking about their respective ages, each not mentioning the specific number or who is older]
Diane Chambers: I find older men stimulating.
Sam Malone: I hope you're not talking about me?
Diane Chambers: Oh, certainly not. You're not the least bit stimulating.

[Diane is tending bar and, inexperienced, is trying to make a Bloody Mary. Carla is watching in interest]
Diane Chambers: A lot of ingredients in a Bloody Mary, Sam.
Sam Malone: Yeah, I know. That's why we usually mix up five gallons and put it in the refrigerator beforehand.
Sam Malone: How come you're doing this, Carla? Why did you let her do it?
Carla Tortelli: I wanted to see her try and make vodka.

Sam Malone: Hey, you feeling lucky tonight?
Diane Chambers: What have you got in mind?
Sam Malone: [holds up a deck of cards] A game of chance. A simple cut of the cards.
Diane Chambers: What are the stakes?
Sam Malone: If I win, I get to go to bed with you.
Diane Chambers: What if I win?
Sam Malone: You get to go to bed with me.
Diane Chambers: Forget it.
Sam Malone: I understand. You, ah, you'd rather earn it.


"Cheers: The Crane Mutiny (#6.5)" (1987)
Woody Boyd: Sam, I found an apartment.
Sam Malone: Hey, good for you, Woody.
Woody Boyd: It's got everything I ever wanted.
Sam Malone: What's that?
Woody Boyd: A living room and a bedroom.
Cliff Clavin: Dare to dream there, Woodman.
Sam Malone: [looks at the apartment newspaper listing] Isn't this in Chinatown?
Woody Boyd: I don't think so Sam.
Sam Malone: Well yeah, I think it is. Did there seem to be a lot of Chinese restaurants around?
Woody Boyd: Yeah, I guess so.
Cliff Clavin: Eh, a lot of signs hanging hither and yonder in Chinese there?
Woody Boyd: Yeah, come to think of it.
Norm Peterson: Yeah, lots of Chinese people walking around the street I suppose.
Woody Boyd: Well yeah, that could just be a coincidence, you know?! Tell you what I'll do. I'll call my landlady. If anybody would know, Mrs. Chung would.

Rebecca Howe: I know you have trouble dealing with a woman in a position of authority.
Sam Malone: Whoa, wait a minute, I resent that. I've never had trouble with a woman in any position.

Rebecca Howe: Mr. Malone, are you developing a tic?
Sam Malone: That was a wink.
Rebecca Howe: Then you're developing into a tick.

Sam Malone: I want to sleep with you 25 times, but you don't want to sleep with me at all. Am I right?
Rebecca Howe: Right.
Sam Malone: OK, so what's half of 25?
Rebecca Howe: Your I.Q.?


"Cheers: Tan 'N' Wash (#5.6)" (1986)
Diane Chambers: Sam, I need to ask a big favor.
Sam Malone: All right, as long as it doesn't interfere with your job.
Diane Chambers: OK then, I need to ask a huge favor.

Carla Tortelli: You know Diane, you shouldn't be investing in a tanning salon, you ought to be using one. You've got skin the color of Elmer's glue.
Diane Chambers: I happen to have what restoration poets refer to as alabaster skin.
Sam Malone: Well, at least your hair looks nice.

[Woody is reporting back to Sam, who asked Woody to find out from Diane about her date with Chad]
Woody Boyd: Hey Sam. I found out all about Miss Chambers' date - I mean "beautiful night of magic".
Sam Malone: Just spill it, would you Woody.
Woody Boyd: The ballet was exquisite but it paled in comparison to the enchanting coach ride under the stars. Chad held her porcelain-like hand lightly, tracing tiny circles on her alamander...
Sam Malone: Alabaster.
Woody Boyd: ...alabaster skin, and then fearing that the spell might be broken, she invited him up to her pied de terre for some quiet conversation and warm brandy, and then...
Sam Malone: What?
Woody Boyd: Miss Chambers said if you want to hear the rest, you have to ask her yourself.
Sam Malone: Ah, forget it, forget it man.
Woody Boyd: Ah, ask her Sam. It sounds like you won't be disappointed.

Sam Malone: [apologizing to Norm] I'll pour you a beer just the way you like it: within reach.


"Cheers: Sumner's Return (#2.5)" (1983)
Sam Malone: [looking at Norm] What time is it?
Norm Peterson: Cliff, how many beer have I had so far?
Cliff Clavin: Eleven.
Norm Peterson: 8:05.

Sam Malone: Before I read War and Peace again in five days just to impress some broad, it's going to be a cold day in Minsk.

Sam Malone: Why did you pick me?
Diane Chambers: You read War and Peace.
Sam Malone: So did he.
Diane Chambers: You did it for me. I think it was harder for you - call it a hunch.

Diane Chambers: [Sam and Diane settle down to read 'War and Peace] Let's go see the movie.
Sam Malone: There's a movie? Cliff! I'll kill him!


"Cheers: Bar Bet (#3.18)" (1985)
Sam Malone: Hush, hush, hush. I'm thinking.
Diane Chambers: Someone note the date and the time.

Diane Chambers: Oh, Sam. I have dire news.
Sam Malone: Good or bad?

Sam Malone: It's not like we get Justice of the Peace and ministers walking in this bar every day.
Norm Peterson: Don't be too sure, my son.
Diane Chambers: You, Norman?
Norm Peterson: Yup. Back in the 60s, sent a dollar into one of those churches that advertise in the back of Rolling Stone. I'm an official minister of the Church of the Living Desert.

Sam: You handle this; you're a little smarter than me.
Diane: I'm a lot smarter than you. This napkin is a little smarter than you.


"Cheers: The Heart Is a Lonely Snipehunter (#3.14)" (1985)
Sam Malone: Cliffy, you want to go fishing with us?
Cliff Clavin: [responds sarcastically] Well, that's OK Sam, I don't want to infringe on you and Norm's good time.
Norm Peterson: You're going to have to if you want to come along.

Diane Chambers: Sam.
Sam Malone: What?
Diane Chambers: There's one other thing I want you to know. Lord knows why, but Frasier thinks of you as a friend. As a matter of fact, he thinks of you as one of his closest friends.
Sam Malone: Get out of here.
Diane Chambers: He does Sam.
Sam Malone: Gee, what a boob, boo, bootiful guy...

Sam Malone: What's new, Normie?
Norm Peterson: Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach. They're demanding beer.

[Coach's cigar is stinking up the bar]
Sam Malone: Ooh, boy. Is someone boiling tar in here?
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: No, Sam, I'm smoking my cigar.
Sam Malone: Would someone please boil some tar in here?


"Cheers: The Godfather: Part 3 (#5.22)" (1987)
Diane Chambers: [about naming their child] What's wrong with Emile?
Sam Malone: Emile is something you eat, not something you name your kid.

Woody Boyd: Sam, beer distributor on the phone.
Sam Malone: Tell him I'll call back.
Norm Peterson: Sammy? Hey? Hey? Where are your priorities? Come on.
[Sam gets up]

Sam Malone: I mean, look at Diane and me. We waited five years to get married, and if it were up to me we'd wait another five.

Sam Malone: You know, there are hundreds of good, solid reasons why you two should not get married.
Joyce Pantusso, Coach's Niece: Like?
Sam Malone: Like... Like I forbid you to, young lady.
Joyce Pantusso, Coach's Niece: Wait, you can't forbid me. You're not my father.
Sam Malone: All right, all right. Woody, I forbid you to marry Joyce.
Woody Boyd: Sam, you're only my boss.
Sam Malone: Damn it, I'm gonna forbid somebody somethin', I'll tell ya.
[Norm gets up]
Sam Malone: Norm, I forbid you to leave that stool.
Norm Peterson: Sorry, Sam, nature calls.
Sam Malone: Hey, hey! You go and you're cut off.
Norm Peterson: Whatever you say, Pop.
[Norm sits back down]


"Cheers: King of the Hill (#3.15)" (1985)
[Sam walks into Cheers. Sees a few huge boxes in front of the bar.]
Sam Malone: Ahhh, come on Coach, is this what I think it is?
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: What do you think it is?
Sam Malone: I think it's something totally useless that some salesman talked you into buying.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Boy, you're good at thinking Sam.
Sam Malone: [reads the boxes] Oh. The "Billiard Buddy Pool Table Adapter".
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Yeah. But it's not useless Sam. You can make it into a ping-pong table, a knock-hockey table, a salad bar...
Sam Malone: How much?
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Oh, I don't know. A buck. A buck and a half with croutons.
Sam Malone: No, Coach. I mean how much for the whole thing?
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Oh, six hundred bucks Sam, but the salesman said, the salesman said satisfaction guaranteed.
Sam Malone: Or...?
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Now, that would have been a good question.

Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Sam, are you really going to play in this charity game?
Sam Malone: Yeah, you know I was out there warming up Coach, and my arm feels pretty good.
Carla Tortelli: Are you kidding me? When a butterfly lands on a ball in mid-flight, it's not cooking.
Sam Malone: All I care about is not embarrassing myself.
Carla Tortelli: Good luck.
Sam Malone: I have a right to be a little bit rusty. The only thing I've thrown in the past ten years is Diane's butt out of here.
Diane Chambers: No Sam, you're thinking of the tantrums you threw when I walked out of here.
Sam Malone: Ah.
Carla Tortelli: [sarcastically] You know, the only thing I enjoy hearing more than you two argue on the subject is hearing Cliff talk about Florida.
Cliff Clavin: Well, as a matter of fact, I was just about to tell Normie here that Florida is a pollution-free state. You know, you know how they treat solid waste?
Carla Tortelli: You said they treated you very well.

Sam Malone: So, ah, my place or yours?
Becky: I have a roommate.
Sam Malone: Yours it is.

Sam Malone: [to Diane, about playing in a charity baseball game with Playboy Playmates] Why don't you come over here and let me introduce you to the girls. I'd like to show them the charity I was involved with last year.


"Cheers: Rebound: Part 2 (#3.2)" (1984)
Diane Chambers: There is one other thing that you should know. It's quite important really. There's another man in my life and he's someone you know.
Sam Malone: Really. Who?
Diane Chambers: Frasier and I have been lovers for several weeks.
Sam Malone: Eww.

Sam Malone: [to Coach, Norm and Cliff] Diane here's got herself a new fella. Turns out she and Frasier Crane are lovers.
Norm Peterson: Eww.

Diane Chambers: Frasier, listen to me. Sam needs my help in the bar. If you feel any spark of jealousy, please let me assure you I could work side by side with this man for the rest of my life and feel nothing.
Sam Malone: Work? Hell, I could live in the same house with her and never be tempted.
Diane Chambers: I could sleep in the same bed, and get nothing but a good night's rest.
Sam Malone: I could get out of jail after twelve years, serve on a ship with an all male crew for another four, be dropped off on a desert island for another three eating nothing but raw oysters, and if Diane were to walk out of the surf naked one day, all I'd want from her are the hockey scores.
Diane Chambers: [to Sam] And you wouldn't even get that.
Frasier Crane: I'm afraid that's not good enough.


"Cheers: The Belles of St. Clete's (#3.24)" (1985)
Diane Chambers: Sam, I'm sorry. What were we... What was I saying?
Sam Malone: You don't know either? We've got to have a rule around here, when you speak, at least one of us has got to be listening.

[Carla offers to close up the bar since Sam has a date]
Sam Malone: Oh, thank you Carla. I thank you and Debbie thanks you.
Carla Tortelli: I think you're going out with Janet tonight, bean brain.
Sam Malone: Oh, well then, Janet really thanks you.

Sam Malone: [about Drusilla Dimeglio, who is currently in the pool room] I can't believe that's the same woman whose head you were about to shave.
Carla Tortelli: Yeah, yeah, I almost went through with it too. I mean, I came that close, and I could have done it easy, Sammy. I mean, she's not as young as she used to be. But, uh, I stopped. God was testing me Sam, and I passed.
Drusilla Dimeglio: [walks out from the pool room and speaks to Sam] Oh, hello there.
[addresses Carla]
Drusilla Dimeglio: Come on Carla, it's your turn.
Carla Tortelli: OK, I'll be right with you.
[Drusilla turns around and heads back to the pool room. We see that the whole left side of her head is in tact, but the whole right side is shaved of all her hair]
Carla Tortelli: I didn't say I got an 'A' Sammy, I just said I passed.


"Cheers: The Cape Cad (#5.2)" (1986)
Diane Chambers: [at a Cape Cod inn] I'm kind of glad you're here. I've been sitting here driving myself crazy. When we used to come here, wasn't there a lobster trap out in the lobby?
Sam Malone: Oh yeah. I guess the lobsters finally wised up and started coming in through the kitchen.

[Sam and Diane are each by themselves at different tables at a restaurant and are the only diners]
Sam Malone: Boy, you know the one thing I really hate is to eat alone. I always feel like someone's looking at me.
Diane Chambers: I'm the only one here.
Sam Malone: Well, you're looking at me.

Sam Malone: [on the phone, to a weekend date who just canceled] Can't you be born again on Monday?


"Cheers: The Little Match Girl (#11.1)" (1992)
Carla: OK Sammy, I'm going home. I put away all the glasses, the, uh, bottles are in the store room, and all the rest of garbage from the wedding is in the office.
Sam: Thank you honey, I'll lock up. Where's Rebecca?
Carla: I just told you. She's in the office.

Sam: Rebecca, wait, wait a minute.
Rebecca: Look, Sam, you and I don't have anything to say to each other. You said some things today that you cannot take back, and you really hurt me, and I know that what I did was terrible, but what you did was worse because you did it on purpose. I don't want to ever see you or this bar again. Bye.
Sam: Do you want your job back?
Rebecca: [in tears] I really do!

Rebecca: Sam, the fire wasn't your fault. I was smoking a cigarette and I burned down your bar.
Sam: You did this? You did this to me? Yes, yes, of course. Why didn't I figure this out earlier? My bar burns down, you're within 50 miles. It all fits.
Rebecca: Sam, I'm so sorry.
Sam: What were you thinking? Huh? You're tired of screwing up your own life so you start to pick on mine? You know, of all the stupid, stupid things you've done in your useless life, this is your masterpiece. I'll tell you what; Get out. Get out of my bar.
[Rebecca does as she's told and leaves the bar]


"Cheers: Cheerio, Cheers (#3.22)" (1985)
Dr. Frasier Crane: Diane and I are going to Europe.
Sam Malone: Europe? Overseas?
Diane Chambers: Well, we were going to go to the local one, but it's all booked up.

Sam Malone: [about Diane and Frasier's impending trip to Europe] I mean, after all, just because the two of us didn't travel well...
Diane Chambers: When did we ever travel?
Sam Malone: Are you kidding me? We went through hell together.
Diane Chambers: Ah, yes. Well, it helped that you knew the language.

Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Carla, what are you looking for, a sign from God? Religious belief is based on faith.
Carla Tortelli: Yeah, well, I never thought I'd say this, Coach, but I think I've lost faith.
Sam Malone: [entering from his office] Hey, listen up, everybody. I have an announcement to make. Diane here is leaving for Europe, and she's... she's not going to be back to Cheers ever.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Aww...
[Carla falls to her knees and clasps her hands together]
Carla Tortelli: [singing] I believe, for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. I believe that somewhere in the darkest night, a candle glows.


"Cheers: Sam at Eleven (#1.4)" (1982)
Dave Richards: Well, well, what do we have here? Hi! Dave Richards. I'm an old team-mate of Sam's.
[Dave shakes Diane's hand]
Diane Chambers: Oh. Diane Chambers. I'm Sam's new waitress.
Dave Richards: Sam have his brand on you yet?
Diane Chambers: Hardly.
Dave Richards: Oh, well, good, then you're in for a lucky day. Not only am I incredibly good looking, I'm also incredibly rich and incredibly nice.
Sam Malone: And incredibly married.
Diane Chambers: Well, I am sorry to hear that.
Dave Richards: You are?
Diane Chambers: Yes. I was hoping to reject you based solely on your personality.

[Sam is facing an emotional crisis regarding his former baseball career, and wants to be left alone to brood]
Diane Chambers: Sam, this could be a crucial moment in your life. It is vitally important that you handle your emotions properly. The worst thing that anyone in a situation like this could do right now is to repress his feelings.
Sam Malone: [calmly] Diane, get out. Please?
Diane Chambers: You need to lash out, to release yourself. Scream.
Sam Malone: [screams at the top of his lungs] Get out!
Diane Chambers: Wonderful. All right. Now, we need now to move away from the brute gut release of emotions into the more cerebral. Tell me in one sentence what you perceive to be your problem right now.
Sam Malone: You won't leave.
Diane Chambers: Let's come back to that...

[Diane doesn't think that Sam's TV interview is such a good idea]
Diane Chambers: Sam, the fact of the matter is that you are an ex-jockstrap...
Sam Malone: "Ex-jock." It's "ex-jock." Now how many times have I got to tell you that?


"Cheers: Where Have All the Floorboards Gone? (#10.8)" (1991)
Sam Malone: I got you a very, very special gift, my friend.
Norm Peterson: More special than a free beer?
Sam Malone: Yeah, come here.
Norm Peterson: Is it a keg and a snorkel?

Norm Peterson: What a birthday, huh? A free beer, a Celtics jacket from Kevin McHale, and Sammy wiping out my bar tab.
Sam Malone: Whoa, whoa, whoa. I didn't say anything about wiping out a bar tab.
Norm Peterson: [with mock sarcasm] Well, happy birthday to me.

[the gang is talking about Kevin McHale's obsession with bar trivia, Carla who is blaming Norm and Cliff in particular]
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: You guys should be ashamed of yourselves. You're like vampires - big butted, do-nothing vampires. And now you're trying to make Kevin one of your recruits. Well, I say it's got to stop. I'm not going to let you screw up his career.
Sam Malone: Come on. Lighten up, will ya. It's just Kevin's getting a little carried away with bolts, that's all.
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: Yeah, sure Sammy. Today it's how many bolts are in the floor. Tomorrow, they'll have him onto if the Brady Bunch crashes in the Andes, who's going to eat who first.
Woody Boyd: They'll probably eat the maid cause she ain't kin.
Cliff Clavin: Well, you know but if they're smart, they'll ask her first how she should best prepare herself.


"Cheers: Dark Imaginings (#4.19)" (1986)
Woody Boyd: So, what rock groups do you like Bonnie?
Bonnie: I like The Thompson Twins, Tears for Fears, U2.
Woody Boyd: Oh, I love U2.
Sam Malone: Yeah, we look great together, don't we?

Diane Chambers: [about Sam's very young date, Bonnie] Pretty girl, Sam.
Sam Malone: Yeah, thank you.
Diane Chambers: Be careful she doesn't lose a baby tooth giving you a hickey.

Carla Tortelli: Let me tell you something, Sammy. When you're eighty-seven, you'll still be a hunk to me. Of course, I'll be senile and blind.
Sam Malone: And pregnant.
Carla Tortelli: Yeah, probably.


"Cheers: Get Your Kicks on Route 666 (#10.2)" (1991)
Dr. Frasier Crane: [about Frasier, Sam, Norm and Cliff taking a road trip] We're all dropping our inhibitions, we're going to go out and find our manhood on the open road.
Sam Malone: Yeah, like men.
Cliff Clavin: Yeah, like men, we be.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Real men.
Norm Peterson: Yeah, like those chicks on Thelma and Louise.

[Frasier, Sam, Cliff and Norm are stranded out in the desert. Norm is missing]
Cliff Clavin: You don't suppose some wolf dragged him off in the night, do you?
Sam Malone: Maybe we ought to take a look for him.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Not me. I don't want to meet the wolf that could drag off Norm.

Rebecca Howe: Look guys. Postcards from Woody.
Sam Malone: [excitedly] Hey, all right.
[Rebecca hands a postcard to each of Sam, Norm and Cliff]
Rebecca Howe: Listen to mine. "Dear Miss Howe. I'm having a great time on vacation. I miss everyone there, but I miss you most of all. Love, Woody." What does yours say, Sam?
Sam Malone: "Dear Sam. I'm having a great time on vacation. I miss everyone there, but I miss you most of all. Love, Woody."
Norm Peterson: [reading his postcard under his breath but audibly] "...having a great time on vacation. I miss everyone there, but I miss you most of all. Love, Woody." Cliffy?
Cliff Clavin: "Dear Mr. Clavin. I'm having a great time on vacation. Love, Woody."


"Cheers: Tale of Two Cuties (#6.15)" (1988)
Rebecca Howe: So, did you get a chance to see Carla's babies?
Sam Malone: Oh, we sure did. They are two of the cutest little guys you've ever seen.
Rebecca Howe: Ahh, who do they look like: Carla or Eddie?
Woody Boyd: Well, they're twins. They kind of look like each other.

Anthony Tortelli: [about Sam offering Annie a job] I don't want my wife to work.
Annie Tortelli: I can do it if I want to.
Anthony Tortelli: Nuh'uh.
Annie Tortelli: Nuh'huh.
Anthony Tortelli: Nuh'uh.
Annie Tortelli: Nuh'huh.
Anthony Tortelli: Nuh'uh.
Sam Malone: Why don't you two talk about it.
Annie Tortelli: Of course we will. Communication is the cornerstone of our marriage.
Anthony Tortelli: Nuh'uh.
Annie Tortelli: Nuh'huh.

Rebecca Howe: I am going to pop her. I'm going to pop her. I'm going to pop her right in the kisser. I'm going to pop her, p-pop, p-pop, p-pop, p-pop...
Sam Malone: That's good. Now do bacon frying.


"Cheers: Affairs of the Heart (#2.6)" (1983)
Sam Malone: Lefty had a heart problem.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: That's it. Hank has the same thing. I mean, the least bit of excitement - wham, bam, he's curtains.
Diane Chambers: Coach, how about sex?
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Diane, please! I thought you were Sam's girl?
Diane Chambers: Coach, I'm talking about Hank.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Hank is seeing Carla.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: [to Sam] Are you listening to this?

Henry 'Hank' Zenzola: [about his heart] I have a serious problem.
Carla Tortelli: You do?
Diane Chambers: [about the Coach] He also said that any exertion could be very dangerous for you.
Sam Malone: And so, we thought we'd catch you before you and Carla...
Henry 'Hank' Zenzola: ...exerted.
Sam Malone: Yeah.

Norm Peterson: [Sam has raised the price of beer] I'm gonna have to figure out how much I can drink and still stay within my suds allowance.
Sam Malone: [Norm punches figures into his calculator] What do you got?
Norm Peterson: I'm gonna have to cut back 8.7%. It comes out to, uh...
[Norm calculates more numbers]
Norm Peterson: ...one beer every half hour. Guess I'm gonna have to drink a little more slowly.
[Norm downs his beer in one gulp]
Norm Peterson: [brief pause] Slowing down isn't so bad.


"Cheers: Woody Goes Belly Up (#4.2)" (1985)
Diane Chambers: [rhetorically] Do I beg men to fall in love with me?
Sam Malone: I certainly hope not. I like to think I was special.

Sam Malone: What would you say to a beer, Normie?
Norm Peterson: "Hi, sailor. New in town?"

Woody Boyd: I can't ask a nice girl like Beth to sleep with me out of wedlock.
Sam Malone: [to Diane] The younger generation... I just don't know what to say to them.


"Cheers: Never Love a Goalie: Part 1 (#5.16)" (1987)
Woody Boyd: [about a professional hockey goalie] Wow, Eddie Lebec. Sure is exciting seeing a sports figure in real life.
Sam Malone: What about me, Woody?
Woody Boyd: Well, I can't speak for you, Sam. All I know, I'm excited.

Carla Tortelli: What a game. Eddie stopped forty shots. I haven't seen a guy have a night like that since Harman Killibrue hit those three moonshot homers off of you Sam.
Sam Malone: Yes, I was certainly lucky to be there to see that, wasn't I?

Sam Malone: [about Eddie LeBec and his regular drink] Woody get that man a club soda, no ice, two slices of lime and a red straw.
Woody Boyd: Is that really what you want?
Eddie LeBec: Yes sir.
Woody Boyd: How did you know that Sam?
Sam Malone: He ordered it yesterday.
Woody Boyd: Well then, I'd better hurry.


"Cheers: How Do I Love Thee?... Let Me Call You Back (#2.10)" (1983)
[Sam came to Diane's apartment after they had a fight. She's drunk]
Sam: Wow, you're drunk.
Diane: Wow, you're stupid.
[pauses and smiles]
Diane: But *I'll* be sober in the morning.

Diane Chambers: If you leave, we're through.
Sam Malone: No, no, no. Don't give me ultimatums. I hate ultimatums. If you give me an ultimatum, we're through.

Norm Peterson: [Sam has tickets to a highly anticipated boxing match] So, Sammy, guess who cut the high card for the extra ticket.
Sam: [without missing a beat] Come on, Harry. But please, Harry, don't get us into any trouble tonight.
Harry 'The Hat' Gittes: Oh, come on, Sam. I'll be good. In fact, I'm driving.
[Harry pulls a coat hanger out of his back pocket]
Harry 'The Hat' Gittes: What kind of car do you want to take?


"Cheers: Sam Turns the Other Cheek (#3.5)" (1984)
Sam Malone: [Sam and his latest girlfriend, Maxine, come out of the office arm in arm] Oh, sorry it has to be like this.
Maxine: [sobbing uncontrollably] Why?
Norm Peterson: Back up the garbage truck, Cliffy. Entering dump city.

Diane Chambers: [to Sam, about dating married women] Well, it's refreshing to know you draw the line somewhere.
Sam Malone: Hey, hey, I draw lot's of lines. As a matter of fact, there are three categories of women I never get involved with: married, underage and comatose.
Norm Peterson: He's added one.

Diane Chambers: [to Sam] Now, my love life is stable and yours belongs in one.
Diane Chambers: [chortles loudly to herself] I'll have to share that one with Frasier. Puns are his greatest pleasure.
Sam Malone: You mean now that he's sleeping with you?!


"Cheers: Bar Wars III: The Return of Tecumseh (#8.21)" (1990)
Sam Malone: He can't do anything worse to us than he did last year. Remember that? The place was packed, and Gary and his goons filled our stairwell with potatoes.
Woody Boyd: Yeah, just my luck, I was sitting on the bottom of the steps tying my shoe at the time. Lucky for me you guys were able to dig me out. I'd hate to be the second member of my family buried alive by potatoes.

Sam Malone: What are you up to Norm?
Norm Peterson: My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall.

Norm Peterson: Gary's smarter than that. He know we'd be on the look out for a stranger, so he'd plant somebody we do know.
Sam Malone: Yeah. Probably try to turn one of our own against us. So the idea is, who do we suspect the least?
[the gang at the bar ponder the question]
Woody Boyd: I think it's me.


"Cheers: The Triangle (#4.15)" (1986)
Diane Chambers: Sam, Sam, Sam, do this for me, and I'll owe you a big, big favor, that doesn't involve sex, sex, or sex.
Sam Malone: How about sex?
Diane Chambers: Or sex.

Sam Malone: As long as you don't think I'm in love with you.
Diane Chambers: Well, I don't.
Sam Malone: All right.
Diane Chambers: Not entirely.
[pauses as Sam glares at her]
Diane Chambers: At all.
[pauses]
Diane Chambers: Much.
[pauses]
Diane Chambers: Not a bit.
[pauses]
Diane Chambers: Mostly.

Sam Malone: Poor Frasier. Lost his job, and all he's got working for him is a drinking problem.
Woody Boyd: You know, we ought to help Dr. Crane. I mean, we're his friends. Somebody to ought to give him a good talking to.
Diane Chambers: Don't you think I've done that? You can't imagine how long and how hard I've talked.
[Everyone in the bar loudly affirms Diane]


"Cheers: The Bar Stoolie (#4.10)" (1985)
Sam Malone: Cliffy.
Cliff Clavin: Yeah?
Sam Malone: Telephone.
Carla Tortelli: Somebody wants to talk to Cliff?
Norm Peterson: This is a first, bud. I don't think anyone's ever called you here before.
Cliff Clavin: Yeah, I know who this is. It's a tootsie on my route who's been eyeing the cut of my jib through her Levelors. Yeah, old man's probably out of town, she's looking for a little C.O.D.: Cliffy On Demand.

Norm Peterson: I know how these father-son relationships can be. I remember my dad didn't want me to get serious with Vera. He had heard that she had loose morals.
Sam Malone: You're kidding.
Norm Peterson: He actually got the story wrong. Turns out she had loose molars.

Carla Tortelli: Sammy, your beer distributor, he says there's some problem with next month's order.
Sam Malone: Well, let him talk to Woody. Woody handled it last month.
Carla Tortelli: I think that's the problem.


"Cheers: Uncle Sam Wants You (#9.26)" (1991)
Sam: Do you think guys have a biological clock, you know like they know when it's time to have a kid?
Carla: Oh yeah, usually when they say, "Carla, do you want to go out tonight?".

Carla: [about Sam wanting to have a child] Do you have a mother picked out?
Sam: No, not really.
Carla: Oh, does that mean, uh, you're not going to ask me?
Sam: Oh, I'm sorry, you know, I didn't think about you. Yeah, would you?
Carla: [incredulously] What, are you nuts? Do you think I'm going to go through labor an eighth time because you're a little lonely? Selfish bastard.

Rebecca: [to Sam, about them having a baby together] Why not! I mean, we could.
Sam: Yeah!
Rebecca: Your mom did it. My mom did it. Carla does it all the time.


"Cheers: Woody Interruptus (#9.12)" (1990)
Sam Malone: I'm Sam Malone by the way.
Henrí: Oh, I've heard about you in France.
Sam Malone: Oh, yeah, you follow baseball?
Henrí: No, stewardesses.

Sam Malone: Listen, Kelly is Woody's girlfriend. I'm sure you could have any woman you want.
Henrí: I know, but Kelly is so innocent and naive. I love to change that.
Sam Malone: Boy, I'm kind of torn here. I mean, Woody is my closest friend, but that's a real solid argument.

[Woody is getting worried about Henri's intentions toward Kelly]
Woody Boyd: Hey, Sam... you don't think that... maybe they've been to...
Sam Malone: To... the back of the barn?
Woody Boyd: I was going to say, "to bed together." What is "the back of the barn"? What does that mean? That's where the compost heap is! I can't think of anyplace less romantic!


"Cheers: Snow Job (#2.18)" (1984)
Sam Malone: I'm going to be staying at my aunt's house and she doesn't believe in unmarried couples sleeping together.
Diane Chambers: We don't have to sleep together.
Sam Malone: Why would you be coming then?

Diane Chambers: It's so late now, you're even going to miss your uncle's funeral tomorrow.
Sam Malone: Well, just tell me, how do you expect me to enjoy a funeral when you're making me nuts like this?

Sam Malone: I am on a top secret mission for my country.
Diane Chambers: You are an idiot.
Sam Malone: No, no, that's just my cover.


"Cheers: An Old-Fashioned Wedding (#10.25)" (1992)
Woody Boyd: Hey, does anyone have a plunger?
Sam Malone: Why, did something happen to the toilet?
Woody Boyd: No. My Uncle Elroy left his leg on the bus, and he wants to dance.

Rebecca Howe: Dead. He can't be dead. He just sat down to take a little nap.
Sam Malone: Frasier, are you sure?
Dr. Frasier Crane: I'm trained as a physician. Believe me, he's dead. You don't make that mistake twice.

[Woody and Kelly's wedding is delayed since the minister to perform the ceremony has died, a fact that has not yet been spread amongst the wedding guests]
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: What's taking so long? Shouldn't the wedding have started by now?
Sam Malone: Ah, well, something came up, Lilith. I'm afraid I can't go into it, but, uh, maybe it'd be a good idea if you went out there and, you know, were to sing and dance and use some of your natural talents to entertain people.
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: Omigod, someone died, didn't they?


"Cheers: What is... Cliff Clavin? (#8.14)" (1990)
[Woody answers the phone]
Woody Boyd: Sam, it's for you. Someone named Carmen.
Sam Malone: [excitedly] Carmen. As in "Carmen get it"?

[Sam answers the phone]
Sam Malone: Annie!
Norm Peterson: As in "Annie time he wants".

Rebecca Howe: Why am I in the list of women you gone to bed with?
Sam Malone: They're not all the women that I've gone to bed with. Just the important women in my life, you know. I mean, the women I gone to bed with, my cleaninglady, ahh... my mother and you. 'course now that I've gone to bed with my cleaninglady that just leaves them, mom and... you.


"Cheers: 2 Good 2 Be 4 Real (#4.7)" (1985)
Carla Tortelli: [about her brutally honest personal ad] Oh sure, I could tell 'em I got no kids, right? I could tell them that I'm twenty-one, five-nine, gorgeous green eyes, flaming red hair, and ta-ta's till Tuesday. How am I going to explain to him how I really look when he sees me?
Sam Malone: Stress?
Carla Tortelli: Hey! All right! Next time I spill my guts, remind me to do it in front of friends.
Sam Malone: I'm just trying to cheer you up.
Carla Tortelli: I am in no mood to be cheered up. Next guy tries to cheer me up is going to get open face surgery.
[Carla storms out of the room]
Norm Peterson: I don't get it. She's got ta-ta's till Monday afternoon at least.

Sam Malone: Guys, how come we didn't see this one coming?
Diane Chambers: Oh, this from a group who every year fails to see winter coming.
Norm Peterson: Thanks for reminding me, Diane, I've got to take those screens down.

Sam Malone: Before I start, do me a favor, would you? Stick your hands in your pockets and keep 'em there until I finish.
Carla Tortelli: What's going on?
Sam Malone: Just humor me, will you?
Carla Tortelli: [putting her hands in her pockets] Okay, but don't start in on me about going out with this Claussen guy. He's all right, but he's no Mitch.
Sam Malone: Listen to me. Mitch doesn't exist. The guys and I made him up.
Carla Tortelli: You what?
Sam Malone: Well, you were so depressed, we figured we had to do something, so we made the guy up, wrote the letters, and rented a post office box for you to write to him.
[Carla kicks him in the shin]
Sam Malone: [stumbling into the men's room and back out] Ow! Damn. Ow. Damn, I forgot about the feet.


"Cheers: Woody for Hire, Meets Norman of the Apes (#6.13)" (1988)
Sam Malone: [about using the pool room on Sundays] Sunday is the night that we have our weekly pool tournament.
[general agreement from the guys]
Rebecca Howe: Well just have your pool tournament another night.
Sam Malone: [laughs] Yeah right. Like we can rearrange our schedule here, right.
Rebecca Howe: What about Monday night?
Sam Malone: Yoh, guys, we got a lady right off the boat here, doesn't speak any English. Tell her what happens Monday night, will you please.
Hugh, Cliff Clavin, Dr. Frasier Crane, Norm Peterson, Tim: Football.
Rebecca Howe: How about Tuesday?
Hugh: Darts night.
Rebecca Howe: Wednesday.
Cliff Clavin: Recovery from darts night.
Tim: Thursday's poker night.
Sam Malone: Friday's the night to howl.
Cliff Clavin: Yeah, and Saturday night is date night, so where does that leave us?
Norm Peterson: Horny on Sundays.
Sam Malone: Yoh!

Sam Malone: What are you doing there?
Woody Boyd: Miss Howe put Moi in charge of refreshments for the book club.
Sam Malone: [points] Yeah, but what are those?
Woody Boyd: Finger sandwiches. You know the part that takes so much time is getting that middle knuckle right.

Sam Malone: What are you doing, Woody?
Woody Boyd: [rubbing his hands together] I'm wringing my hands with guilt.
Sam Malone: Oh. I don't think I've ever seen that before. Why?
Woody Boyd: I told a terrible lie to the guys, Sam.
Sam Malone: Oh, you mean about being on that TV show?
Woody Boyd: No, that was true, but I got a telephone call, and I pretended it was Robert Urich on the other end. I mean I didn't hurt anybody or anything, although your plumber seemed a little confused.
Sam Malone: Well, don't worry about it. I'm sure everyone will forgive you.
Woody Boyd: But it was a lie Sam, and I've never told a lie before.
Sam Malone: What?
Woody Boyd: No, no, wait, that's a lie. I told a lie. Now that's two lies. See how much easier it gets.
[sobbing]
Woody Boyd: Oh my God, I'm out of control. What's next? Murder?


"Cheers: I Call Your Name (#3.3)" (1984)
Frasier Crane: So Sam, tell me. You've been with a lot of women. When you were with one of them, did she ever call out another man's name?
Sam Malone: Well I don't think so, but then who listens. Usually I have the stereo turned up and other things on my mind.

Diane Chambers: What actors we are Sam.
Sam Malone: Huh?
Diane Chambers: I'm amazed we could pull that off.
Sam Malone: Pull what off?
Diane Chambers: Fooling a man so versed in human behavior. There is a spark, isn't there Sam?
Sam Malone: Well, uh. Gee.
Diane Chambers: I don't think it would take much encouragement to turn it into an inferno.
[they embrace and look lovingly into each others eyes]
Sam Malone: Oh, uh, yeah, yeah, maybe you're right.
Diane Chambers: Sam, let's stop stopping ourselves. Let's let it happen.
Sam Malone: Happen. Happen.
[they kiss passionately]
Sam Malone: Hmm, hmm, ah, Diane.
Diane Chambers: [to Sam, she yells out] Frasier. Oops.

Frasier Crane: Well, I understand the local Boston Red Sox baseball franchise has a herculean task of it to qualify for the postseason tournament.
Sam Malone: Yeah, they really stink this year.
Frasier Crane: Stink? Interesting theory.


"Cheers: Fools and Their Money (#4.12)" (1985)
Woody Boyd: Do you guys know a real bookie?
Sam Malone: I've got a friend who's got a friend who's got a friend.
Woody Boyd: And he's a bookie?
Sam Malone: No, but his friend is.

Sam Malone: I'm in, I'm in, I'm in big, big trouble. I did something that it felt so right when I did it, but now it turns out to be all wrong.
Diane Chambers: What's her name, and how many months?

Diane Chambers: [about a correct bet that Sam never placed with the bookie] We know that Woody actually did pick the winning teams.
Sam Malone: Yeah, so?
Diane Chambers: So, why don't you go to the...
Sam Malone: Bookie.
Diane Chambers: ...bookie and tell him that you honestly intended to wager on the winning teams and see if he won't give you the money.
Sam Malone: That's a good idea. While I'm at it, why don't I just tell him that I meant to bet on all the winning teams since 1975?
Diane Chambers: Can you do that?
Sam Malone: Please!


"Cheers: They Called Me Mayday (#2.9)" (1983)
Sam Malone: [about Diane] I don't like the look on her face.
Carla Tortelli: I haven't seen one I do like.

Sam Malone: I'm Sam Malone. I'm the owner of the bar, here. You want anything, you just call me.
Dick Cavett: Hey wait. Sam Malone. You used to play baseball?
Sam Malone: Yeah. That's right. You remember me?
Dick Cavett: Sure. I saw you pitch once in Yankee Stadium.
Sam Malone: Is that right. Did I have a good night?
Dick Cavett: I hope so. You had a lousy day. If I remember, you hit three batters and you gave up back to back homers. Do you remember that game?
Sam Malone: I had a drinking problem back in those days. There are a few things I don't remember, like, ooh, 1974, 1975...

Sam Malone: I wrote pretty good in high school.
Diane Chambers: You didn't write pretty good. You wrote pretty well.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: [to Norm] Gee, I wish she'd make up her mind.
Sam Malone: [to Diane] Whoa, wait a sec here. Listen, I got an idea. You're a pretty g... well writer.


"Cheers: Cry Hard (#8.25)" (1990)
Sam: You can't get into the main computer without Rebecca's secret password. You know that.
Carla: Yeah, well, I'm trying to figure out what the password is.
Norm: Well, it's usually something personal.
Sam: How about loser.
Carla: Tried it.
Norm: Ah, flunky?
Carla: Tried it.
Woody: How about hardworkingyoungwomanwhonevergetstherecognitionshedeserves.
Carla: It's too many letters.
Woody: How about screwup.

Rebecca: [about Robin] Would it be so terrible if I didn't turn him in? What would happen?
Sam: I'll tell you, he would go to jail and you would go to jail too.
Rebecca: I know, I know. Any chance we'd go to the same jail?
Sam: Honey, how much you going to take before you realize this guy is no good for you.
Rebecca: I don't know, I don't know Sam. How much does it take when you're in love with someone. You know, I heard stories about you and that Diane girl. You put up with her for five years - five years - what about that?
Sam: Sweetheart, if I could have sent her to prison, don't you think I would have?

Jim Montgomery: [about Rebecca] You might also tell her that we're deeply concerned about her behavior.
Sam: Why's that?
Jim Montgomery: After she called this emergency meeting of the Board of Directors, we did a little research on Miss Howe, just to remind ourselves who she was. Turns out... she works for us. How about that!


"Cheers: Love Is a Really, Really Perfectly Okay Thing (#9.1)" (1990)
Rebecca Howe: Sam.
Sam Malone: Oh, hi.
Rebecca Howe: I wanted to thank you for your discretion.
Sam Malone: What do you mean?
Rebecca Howe: Well, not telling Robin about us was one thing, but not telling all those goons out there, I know that was a real sacrifice.
Sam Malone: Nah, no big deal.
Rebecca Howe: Yes it is. I know how much you love to crow to all your friends about your great romantic encounters.
Sam Malone: Rebecca, believe me, it was nothing.

Sam Malone: What I can't figure out is why I don't want to tell any of my friends. No, that's not true, I do want to, but I can't. Why? That's... maybe it was such a let down that I didn't feel like bragging about it. Or maybe it was not a let down and I was ticked because she dumped me as soon as her boyfriend walked in. Or maybe she's right, I'm trying to get her back in the sack again. I don't know. God, I just, I'm just a simple guy trying to deal with this complex problem. Or maybe I'm a complex guy trying to deal with a simple problem. I don't know. What do you think Father?
Father Barry: Am I to understand you had relations with a woman who is not your wife?
Sam Malone: Yes, that's, ah, that's correct Father. Ah, what do I need to do?
Father Barry: Say three Hail Marys, four Our Fathers, and nine Rosaries.
Sam Malone: Thank you, Father. Nine Rosaries - that's a lot.
Father Barry: We're cracking down.

Rebecca Howe: You have been after me for three years. And you finally got me. I mean, if I was even adequate, I know that you would have run out there and told every bozo in the bar.
Sam Malone: You don't think I wasn't dying to do that. It was making me crazy. It's just that I thought I'd be betraying our friendship. I never really had a friend before.
Rebecca Howe: You have lots of friends.
Sam Malone: No, no, I've never *had* a friend before.


"Cheers: Suspicion (#4.14)" (1986)
Diane Chambers: Good Lord, Sam, have you been swimming laps in that cologne of yours?
Sam Malone: [wiping his shoes] No, I just dropped the bottle all over the floor in there. Another two dollars and fifty-cents down the drain.
Diane Chambers: Ah, the big bottle.

Diane Chambers: Is it possible that occasionally you people might spend an afternoon doing something that actually involves intelligent thought?
Sam Malone: Like what?
Diane Chambers: I can't conceive.
Carla Tortelli: And we can all breathe a sigh of relief for that.


"Cheers: The Coach's Daughter (#1.5)" (1982)
Diane Chambers: Sam, I'll only ask this once. Now if you say no, it's no. But I would love to start doing caricatures of the customers here. Caricature is a satirical form of art that the common man loves and I think that it would just be a wonderful memento of our customers visits here...
Sam Malone: No.
Diane Chambers: ...and my art instructor said, he said I'm an original and this would be an invaluable experience, and...
Sam Malone: No.
Diane Chambers: ...and I'd only do it during the slow periods, so it really wouldn't interfere with my waiting tables.
Sam Malone: No.
Diane Chambers: So what do you say. Can I do it?
Sam Malone: No.
Diane Chambers: We'll talk about it later.
Sam Malone: No... No, we won't talk about this later. I don't want you to do that stuff in here.
Diane Chambers: I'm going to do it anyway.
[Sam is flustered]
Sam Malone: [to Cliff] At least she cleared it with me first.

Norm Peterson: What do you sell?
Roy: I sell suits door-to-door.
Sam Malone: [pointing at what Roy's wearing] Is this one of the suits, here?
Roy: You took the bait, Sam.
Sam Malone: I did?
Roy: [handing over his cigar to his fiancée, Lisa] Hold this.
Roy: [standing up to show off what he's wearing] I'm wearing an Omni suit right now, and man am I comfortable. The best part is it's versatility. This suit comes with two coats, three pairs of pants, and five reversible vests. This ensemble makes one hundred twenty combinations, everything from dignified to sporty. If you own one of these suits Sam, you can go straight from a funeral to a night on the town without even going home.
Sam Malone: Well, I was trapped in just that situation Tuesday night.


"Cheers: Fear Is My Co-Pilot (#4.21)" (1986)
Jack Dalton: [to Diane] My God, you look pale. You folks should have seen her frolicking in the surf in Mykonos. Her little bottom was as brown as a berry.
Carla Tortelli: The Stick running around buck naked?!
Diane Chambers: It was a semi-private beach.
Sam Malone: It used to be a semi-private bottom.

Jack Dalton: Chambers, I saw comfortable and safe and domestic written all over your face tonight, and I couldn't stand it. You needed this. You too, Malone. You needed to step up to the brink. You needed to look into the gaping maw of death and live to tell about it.
Sam Malone: I'm gonna stick my fist in your gaping maw!
Jack Dalton: [laughs] No, you won't. You'll live to thank me. From this day forward, you're reborn. Everything in your life's gonna be better.
Sam Malone: You're crazy!
Jack Dalton: Food is gonna taste better.
Sam Malone: I don't care!
Jack Dalton: Flowers are gonna smell better.
Sam Malone: You're nuts!
Jack Dalton: Sex is gonna feel better.
[Sam stops talking]


"Cheers: Personal Business (#2.3)" (1983)
Diane Chambers: I propose that you and I abstain from any sort of physical contact for a period of one month. Strictly business for one month. I think that's the only way that each of us can regain our self respect.
Sam Malone: I think that's a very good idea. It would help me out a lot.
Diane Chambers: Fine. One month it is. Mr. Malone.
Sam Malone: [as Sam and Diane shake hands] Miss Chambers.
Sam Malone: [as Diane is about to walk out of the room] Oh, there is just one more thing. I think... Please have a seat. I think my self respect bounces back a little quicker than you expect. I think two weeks of strictly business, and I'd be back in peak shape. You know, maybe, if I concentrate, one week.
Diane Chambers: Well, I believe that my recuperative powers are even greater than yours. A day would be fine with me.
Sam Malone: You know, I think the important thing here is we both know in our minds that we could stop. I think that an hour would certainly prove that.
Diane Chambers: Well, from that argument, it follows that fifteen minutes would be adequate.
Sam Malone: [looking at his watch] I believe that's just enough time to get back to my place.
Diane Chambers: Let's hurry.
[Sam and Diane rush out of the room together]

Sam Malone: [after Diane asks him to give a reference to her next employer] I will tell him you are the best cocktail waitress I have ever seen in my entire life. And then I'll tell him I'd like to sell him some land in Florida that I own.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: No kidding! Where is it? We might be neighbors.


"Cheers: Cry Harder (#8.26)" (1990)
Jim Montgomery: [talking for the Lillian Corporation Board of Directors] We know you've been trying to buy back this bar for some time now, and we've decided as a token of our gratitude, the least we can do is sell it to you at a reduced price.
Sam Malone: You're kidding. How much?
Jim Montgomery: One dollar. Take it or leave it.
Sam Malone: This bar? I give you a dollar and this bar is mine?
Jim Montgomery: That's right, Mr. Malone. Nice catch.
Sam Malone: I can't believe this, this bar is mine, all I have to do is give you a doll...
[Sam looks into his empty wallet]
Sam Malone: Oh, sh, shoot, shoot...
Sam Malone: [to Norm and Frasier] Hey, give me a dollar, huh.
Norm Peterson: I'm all tapped out, Sam.
[Frasier shrugs]
Sam Malone: Hey, anybody, pl... Hey Woody, give me a dollar, man.
Woody Boyd: Hey, you already owe me a dollar, Sam.
Carla LeBec: Sam, I got a quarter.
Cliff Clavin: Oh, hey Sammy, here's a dime.
Pete: Here's four bits.
Sam Malone: Right. I, uh, OK I got eighty-five cents here.
Jim Montgomery: I'll take it.
Sam Malone: Hey, guys. I low-balled him.

Sam Malone: [caressing the bar after he'd bought it back] My bar... my glasses, my taps...
Sam Malone: [a beautiful woman walks by, Sam gasps] My, my, my...


"Cheers: Take My Shirt... Please? (#4.13)" (1986)
Diane Chambers: [Diane walks into the bar] Hello everyone.
Sam Malone: [quietly] Hey.
[the there a general quiet acknowledgment by everyone in the bar to Diane's entrance]
Diane Chambers: Oh, come on, what kind of a greeting is that? When Norm comes in you all yell "Norm" and make a big fuss over him. Is it asking too much for me to get the same treatment once in a while?
Sam Malone: She's right. Try it again, sweetheart.
Diane Chambers: Yeah. Thanks.
[Diane walks out of the bar, and re-enters]
Diane Chambers: Hello everyone.
Everyone in the Bar: [shouts] Norm!
Diane Chambers: That's better.

Sam Malone: [about public television] It's my favorite station.
Diane Chambers: It is?
Sam Malone: Yeah, yeah. I especially like those two guys that talk about the day's events.
Diane Chambers: MacNeil/Lehrer?
Sam Malone: Ah, no no, ah, Bert and Ernie. No, maybe that's their last names.


"Cheers: Cliffie's Big Score (#4.16)" (1986)
Woody Boyd: [the telephone at the bar rings and Woody picks it up] Cheers.
[pauses to listen]
Woody Boyd: Yes ma'am, right away.
Woody Boyd: [to Carla] There's some lady screaming her head off.
Carla Tortelli: What she want?
Woody Boyd: I don't know. All I can make out was two-timing.
Carla Tortelli: [yells] Sam. Telephone.
Carla Tortelli: Woody, listen up and learn something.
Sam Malone: [Woody hands the telephone to Sam] Sammy here.
Sam Malone: Oh, hey, I thought you'd like those flowers.
Sam Malone: Yeah, no, no, that sounds like my note, "Thanks for a wonderful evening Barbara, I had a great time."
Sam Malone: Well of course I know your name's Karen.
Sam Malone: Ah, you know, I see your mistake here. You see, you didn't realize that to me Barbara means Karen.
Sam Malone: Well, because, because, ah, because Barbara reminds me of Barbra Streisand, and you know that song about people.
Sam Malone: Well, I am getting to it. Um, you know the line "first be a person who needs people"? Well, who was the first person?
Sam Malone: Well, all right, no, no, the first female person was Eve. And who's the most famous Eve of all but Christmas Eve, right?
Sam Malone: Yeah, what do you do on Christmas Eve but you go carolin', right?
Sam Malone: No, I know, I know your name's not Caroline. But after you go carolin', what you do is you 'karen' in the gifts.
Sam Malone: Yeah, yeah, well, apology accepted, sweetheart. Talk to you in a bit.

Diane Chambers: Sam, look at all the people who've fallen hopelessly in love with me with only the slightest encouragement: you, Frasier...
Sam Malone: Yourself.


"Cheers: Woody or Won't He (#8.17)" (1990)
[Woody is trying to choose a tie to wear to meet Kelly's mom for the first time]
Sam Malone: Woody, it doesn't make any difference what kind of tie you wear. When it comes to mothers, it's what you've got underneath that counts.
Woody Boyd: Oh well, I'm wearing clean shorts.

Kelly Gaines: Sam?
Sam Malone: Yeah?
Kelly Gaines: You're invited to come Saturday too. After all, you're almost a member of the family. Mother, Sam was the one who introduced Woody and me.
Sam Malone: Actually, no I didn't.
Kelly Gaines: You didn't?
Sam Malone: No.
Kelly Gaines: Well gee, it'd be rude to uninvite you now, so I, I guess we're stuck. Well, we'll see ya.


"Cheers: Knights of the Scimitar (#5.8)" (1986)
[Cliff has just joined the lodge The Knights of the Scimitar, and wants Sam, Norm and Woody to join as well, but says he can only ask one person at a time. None really want to, but also don't want to tell Cliff directly]
Cliff Clavin: I figured out a fair way to do the choosing, OK? I'm thinking of a number between 1 and 10. Whoever is the closest, wins. Norm, you first.
Norm Peterson: 2,000,012.
Sam Malone: 2,000,013.
Woody Boyd: 2,000,014.
Cliff Clavin: Well, the number was 4. Norm's closest with 2,000,012.
Woody Boyd: [mad] Darn, I was going to say 4. I should have stuck with my first instinct.

Sam Malone: Who's the handsomest man you know?
Carla Tortelli: Robert Redford.
Sam Malone: No, no, he's a movie star. I mean someone you really know.
Carla Tortelli: Robert Redford.
Sam Malone: You don't know Robert Redford.
Carla Tortelli: Yes I do.
Sam Malone: How come you never mentioned it?
Carla Tortelli: If you were the only woman in Boston he was messing around with, would you tell anybody?


"Cheers: Abnormal Psychology (#5.4)" (1986)
Diane Chambers: Everyone knows that hate is not the opposite of love. Indifference is.
Sam Malone: Oh, whatever you say. I really don't care.

Sam Malone: [about Dr. Lilith Sternin] You really made her look beautiful, Diane.
Carla Tortelli: [to Diane] Physician, heal thyself.


"Cheers: A Diminished Rebecca with a Suspended Cliff (#10.17)" (1992)
Rebecca Howe: [to Sam] What do you say when you break up with a woman?
Sam Malone: I usually say, 'I'll call you tomorrow'.

Russell Boyd: Say, uh, Sam, is Rebecca coming in today?
Sam Malone: Well, she's scheduled to work, so I'm not really sure.


"Cheers: 'I' on Sports (#6.2)" (1987)
Carla Tortelli: [about their new green uniform] I hate this uniform. It's ugly. It makes me look like a beached whale. And on top of everything, I can't find any earrings to go with it.
Sam Malone: Try some broccoli.
Carla Tortelli: Ha, ha. I mean it Sam, I really hate it.
Woody Boyd: I used to like it, but now I'm getting kind of tired of it. Feel like I'm wearing the same thing every day.

Dave Richards: [to Rebecca after first laying eyes on her] I make an unGodly amount of money and I know exactly how to use it.
Rebecca Howe: You must be a friend of Mr. Malone's.
Dave Richards: Well, you know what they say, the good looking ones travel in pairs. And, uh, that certainly is true in your case.
Rebecca Howe: Do you have the time?
Dave Richards: 4:30.
Rebecca Howe: Good, because I just wanted to remember the exact moment I met the biggest jerk on Earth.
[Sam laughs at Dave]
Dave Richards: [to Sam] Tough woman, tough woman.
Sam Malone: You got that right. I wear a cup to work.


"Cheers: Those Lips, Those Ice (#7.5)" (1988)
Sam Malone: Man, what is it with these East German babes? All week long, I have been trying phone calls, flowers, the whole thing. What am I doing wrong?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well Sam, I see no alternative. You're going to have to become a Communist.
Sam Malone: What do you do, do you apply for membership or something?

[Sam tries to convince Carla to be nicer to Eddie when she suspects that Eddie may be cheating on her, attacks him when he enters the bar and vows to kill "the horny little frog"]
Sam Malone: Murder is not the answer to every one of life's little problems, you know that? First of all, you don't even know if he did anything wrong. And second, if he was a little tempted, maybe you pushed him into it.
Carla LeBec: Oh, what are you talking about?
Sam Malone: Did you ever think that maybe you aren't exactly nice to the guy?
Carla LeBec: Sammy, you know me! This is as nice as it gets!
Sam Malone: But this is the way you handle everything in your life, and it never works.
Carla LeBec: OK, o god of good relationships, what do *you* suggest I do?
Alan: Carla... Carla, you've got to let Eddie know how you feel inside. You must embrace him, not... not just with your heart, but with your very soul! Give unto him, and he will give unto you!
Norm Peterson: [Points at Alan] OK, no more for this clown!
Sam Malone: Listen, I'm talking about the occasional back rub. The general all-around pampering. You know, maybe buy one of those low-cut, frilly dresses...
Rebecca Howe: Oh, you mean that "total woman" BS? I find that completely repulsive.
Sam Malone: [to Rebecca] Well, that explains all the men beating down your door, doesn't it?
Sam Malone: Sweetheart, listen. You've got to become the ideal woman. You know, treat him like a god. Cater to his every whim.
Carla LeBec: Ew, yuck! I can't do that! I can't do frilly!
Sam Malone: You know what they say: You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.
Woody Boyd: Maybe I shouldn't be butting in here, but you can catch the most with dead squirrels.


"Cheers: The Groom Wore Clearasil (#4.4)" (1985)
Carla Tortelli: Where's Diane anyway?
Sam Malone: Ah, I gave her the night off. She trying to interview for a TA job down at the college.
Carla Tortelli: She'll never get it. She's a big A with no T's.

Carla Tortelli: [about Carla's son, marrying] What did you tell my kid, huh?
Sam Malone: Well, basically, why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free.
Woody Boyd: Well, I'll tell you why: companionship, warmth on a cold night, someone to share your old age with.
Norm Peterson: You think he should marry her?
Woody Boyd: I thought we were talking about a cow?


"Cheers: Breaking in Is Hard to Do (#9.7)" (1990)
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: If I had a problem and needed to talk to someone about it, would it be perpetuating a stereotype to actually select a bartender?
Sam Malone: It depends.
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: On what?
Sam Malone: On what you just said.

Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: I feel like a failure - a failure as a mother, ergo as a woman and a person. Do you make a drink for failures here at Cheers?
Sam Malone: Ah, hold on a sec. Phil, what are you drinking?
Phil: A Manhattan.
Sam Malone: [to Lilith] Manhattan.


"Cheers: Hot Rocks (#7.17)" (1989)
Sam Malone: Wait a minute. You spent all day getting dressed up. Are you trying to tell me you'd rather stay in this bar than go out with me?
Rebecca Howe: No Sam. I'm trying to tell you I would rather remove my own gall bladder with an oyster fork than go out with you.
Sam Malone: Why do you say these things to me? I mean, why do I turn you off so much?
Rebecca Howe: I don't know, it's one of those things you have to take on faith. It's kind of like I don't know the refrigerator light goes off for sure when I close the door.
Woody Boyd: Well obviously you've never tried closing it from the inside.

Sam Malone: [about Admiral William J. Crowe] He recognized me from my ball playing days.
William J. Crowe Jr.: Nobody gives up towering home runs like Sam Malone.
Sam Malone: Thanks.
William J. Crowe Jr.: I wish our missiles flew as high and as far.


"Cheers: Pitch It Again, Sam (#9.23)" (1991)
Sam: [about Dutch Richards, an old baseball nemesis who could always hit home runs off Sam] I could strike him out with one hand tied behind my back.
Carla: Worth a try, Sammy. The other way never worked.

[Carla walks out of a men's locker room]
Carla: [yells back into the locker room] That'll teach you to pinch a ladies' butt in the locker room.
Sam: The guys giving you trouble?
Carla: No, I was teaching 'em how to pinch a ladies' butt in a locker room.


"Cheers: Bar Wars II: The Woodman Strikes Back (#7.10)" (1989)
Rebecca Howe: Sam, guess what I've got under my coat.
Sam Malone: If I guess right, can I keep 'em?

Sam Malone: Oh, that stunt tears it. Now I'm mad.
Woody Boyd: Yeah, I can tell.
Sam Malone: How? That little vein bulging in my forehead?
Woody Boyd: No.
Sam Malone: My nostrils flaring?
Woody Boyd: No.
Sam Malone: My jaw's clenched?
Woody Boyd: No.
Sam Malone: Well, then how can you tell?
Woody Boyd: You just said, 'Now, I'm mad'.
Sam Malone: Yeah, oh now, I'm really mad.
Woody Boyd: Yeah, I can tell.


"Cheers: How to Recede in Business (#7.1)" (1988)
Sam Malone: So what have you got there?
Rebecca Howe: A Mercedes catalogue. I'm thinking of getting one.
Sam Malone: Yeah, I hear good things about those catalogues.

Sam Malone: I don't know, Carla. Either managing a bar is getting a lot more complicated, or I'm getting a lot dumber.
Carla LeBec: You couldn't be getting any dumber, Sam.
Sam Malone: So it must be that other thing.


"Cheers: Feeble Attraction (#8.11)" (1989)
Norm Peterson: Anybody seen Doris around here?
Sam Malone: Oh, yeah, little gal with a Moe Howard haircut?
Norm Peterson: Oh, yeah.
Sam Malone: I thought you got rid of her.
Norm Peterson: Gee Sammy, I'm trying to. I can't shake the girl. I mean, I come in Cheers, she's here. I go upstairs to go plug the parking meter, she's there. I come back in Cheers, she's here. Sammy, it's like somehow she's figured out my whole routine.
Doris: [enters the bar] Oh, oh Mr. Peterson. Somehow I knew I'd find you here when you weren't at the parking meter. Could I warm up your seat for you?
Norm Peterson: It's OK, Doris. It's never cold.
Doris: [to another customer] I love that about him.

[Sam is reading about Rebecca's new antique desk]
Sam Malone: "This certificate authenticates that this desk once belonged to George Bernard Shaw. It has become known as 'The Ring Desk' because of the dark ring clearly visible on the desktop where he set down his teacup upon completing the fifth act of 'The Man and Superman'." I wonder if that's the one where he fought the Mole People?


"Cheers: Backseat Becky, Up Front (#6.25)" (1988)
[Sam talks about throwing a bon voyage party for Evan Drake, who is taking a job in Japan]
Sam Malone: I'll make it a Japanese theme. Yeah, yeah. We'll have chips and cheese.

Sam Malone: I can't be trusted. Trust me.


"Cheers: Diane's Nightmare (#4.5)" (1985)
Woody Boyd: You know, I used to be afraid of the dark, but I got myself over it.
Sam Malone: Oh yeah, how did you do that?
Woody Boyd: Oh well, I just shut my eyes, and pretended it wasn't there.

Sam Malone: [Norm enters the bar out of a torrential rainstorm] Still pouring?
Norm Peterson: Funny, I was about to ask you the same thing.


"Cheers: Call Me, Irresponsible (#7.20)" (1989)
Marge: Say, aren't you Sam Malone?
Sam Malone: Guilty as charged.
Marge: Small world. Marge Thornhill here. Don't you remember me?
Sam Malone: Ah, boy, you know, I can't quite place the face. Where did we meet?
Marge: Oh well, we didn't actually meet, but I know you remember me. I went to every home game you ever played.
Sam Malone: Ah, Marge, there are a lot of people up in the stands there.
Marge: Sure, but you got to remember me. I always sat behind first base, five rows up, remember? I used to get there early so that I could watch you warm up in the bullpen.
Sam Malone: I'm sorry.
Marge: I know you couldn't forget this.
Marge: [stands up and yells] "Hey Malone, you pitch like my sister. Why don't you go home and make a dress!"
Sam Malone: [affectionately] Was that you? Well, how have you been? Guys, guys, I want you... Do the one where you say I couldn't get the ball across the plate if I drove it there in my car.
Marge: No, no, that was then, and this is now. By the way, I'm really sorry for all those shots I gave you over the years. No hard feelings?
Sam Malone: No, of course not, it's all part of the game.
Marge: [raises the martini Sam made for her in toast] You're a real sport, Malone.
Marge: [tastes the martini then stands up and yells] You call this a martini? What did you use for vermouth, turpentine?
Sam Malone: [to Norm] The great ones never lose it.

[Carla has received a bouquet of roses, supposedly from Eddie]
Rebecca Howe: Oh, why can't more men send flowers?
Sam Malone: I didn't know Mormons couldn't send flowers.
Rebecca Howe: I said "more men", not "Mormons".
Sam Malone: I know they can't dance.
Norm Peterson: No Sammy, that's the, ah, that's the Amish.
Sam Malone: Why can't Mormon's send flowers?
Rebecca Howe: They can.
Sam Malone: What are you talking about?
Rebecca Howe: I just wish some one would send me some damn roses.
Sam Malone: Why does it have to be a Mormon?
Rebecca Howe: [exasperated] Oh!
Sam Malone: Some people you just can't discuss religion.


"Cheers: And God Created Woodman (#6.14)" (1988)
Sam Malone: Is it me, or is that woman gorgeous?
Woody Boyd: You look nice Sam, but I'd have to go with the woman.

Rebecca Howe: [Rebecca walks out of her office] Announcement! Announcement! I just got a phone call and if things work out, it might be my ticket out of here.
[everybody cheers and applauds]
Rebecca Howe: Don't you even wanna know what it's about?
Sam Malone: There's more?


"Cheers: The Stork Brings a Crane (#8.6)" (1989)
Sam Malone: [reading a newspaper article] "100 years ago today, a new tavern opened at 112-1/2 Beacon Street."
Cliff Clavin: Wait, wait, a mailman never forgets an address, now. Why is 112-1/2 Beacon Street sending a message to my brain?
Carla LeBec: Probably because you're sitting on it.
Cliff Clavin: Carla, I hate it when you make those sitting on my brain jokes.
Norm Peterson: Cliffy, she meant 112-1/2 Beacon Street. That's Cheers' address. You're sitting here.
Carla LeBec: No, I was making a Cliff sitting on his brain joke.
Cliff Clavin: [to Norm] See, I told you. Thank you, Carla.

Rebecca Howe: Oh my God, it's him, it's the Mayor.
Sam Malone: Hey, it really is the Mayor.
[yells over to the Mayor]
Sam Malone: Hi.
Rebecca Howe: [noticing what he's got in his hands] And look, he's got a little plaque.
Woody Boyd: He's probably too busy to brush between meals.


"Cheers: The Peterson Principle (#4.18)" (1986)
Sam Malone: [to Frasier] Well, hey, I've got a projector and screen in the back room there.
Diane Chambers: You said that projector was broken when I wanted to show my slides of Columbian art.
Sam Malone: Well, yes, it is broken when you want to show your slides of Columbian art.

Sam Malone: Hey, what's happening Norm?
Norm Peterson: It's a dog-eat-dog world Sammy, and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear.


"Cheers: It's Lonely on the Top (#11.22)" (1993)
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: [after she admits she probably slept with one of the Cheers regulars] You don't think any less of me, do you?
Sam Malone: Well, let's see who it is first.

Sam Malone: I'm Sam Malone. By definition, everything I do is cool.


"Cheers: Slumber Party Massacred (#6.22)" (1988)
Carla LeBec: Sam, I gotta get this over with. Listen, there's something I gotta ask you and I don't want you to take it the wrong way.
Sam Malone: What is it?
Carla LeBec: Would you come to dinner at my house tonight?
Sam Malone: Hey, I thought we were friends.

Sam Malone: [talking about Carla] She was complaining she's missed out on all that teenage stuff. You know - homecoming, proms. What if we do something to take her back to her teen years?
Rebecca Howe: Like get her pregnant?
Cliff Clavin: Nah. That's been done to death.


"Cheers: Fairy Tales Can Come True (#3.4)" (1984)
Alan: [about Cliff] Sorry Sam, but you gotta admit it's a little bit weird, isn't it? I mean, he's never been married, I've never even seen him with a woman.
Steve: Hey Norm, Norm, he's your best friend, is he gay or what?
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: I can't believe what I'm hearing. You can't tell a gay guy by his appearance. We had an outfielder on the Red Sox, Duke Roberts. I mean he never got married, he never went with girls, he even wore those fancy Italian shoes, and he lived with a guy who was a florist. And Duke wasn't gay.
Sam Malone: Yes he was, Coach.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: He was?
[Sam nods affirmatively]
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Do you think he'd like to meet Cliffy?

Diane Chambers: What would you call an evening out with a woman when you have absolutely no hope of physical involvement whatsoever?
Sam Malone: A first.


"Cheers: Old Flames (#2.7)" (1983)
Sam Malone: Coach, I'm having blackouts.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: It's kind of a nice break in the day, isn't it Sam?

Sam Malone: [about the names in his little black book] It took me years to meet all these people.
Diane Chambers: And even longer to alphabetize them.


"Cheers: I Do, Adieu (#5.26)" (1987)
Sam Malone: Come on, let's do it. Let's go get a Justice of the Peace.
Diane Chambers: Better yet, let's wed at Cheers.
Sam Malone: The bar?
Diane Chambers: It's ideal. Right there in front of our dearest friends who've been witness to our love, seen the good times and the bad times, shared our joys and sorrows, how perfect. Those dear souls will share our moment of ultimate joy.
Sam Malone: Better still, why don't we have them over right here? We'll do it right here.
Diane Chambers: [screws up her face] Oh, I don't want those people in my house.

Sam Malone: [after Diane walks out of the bar] Have a good life.


"Cheers: Grease (#9.6)" (1990)
Sam Malone: [about Norm] Maybe we shouldn't say anything that'd remind him of the Hungry Heifer when he comes back. Maybe not say any words like beef or meat.
Woody Boyd: What about 'meet' as in 'Let's meet for dinner tonight?'?
Sam Malone: Yeah, that'd be fine, Woody.
Woody Boyd: Great. Where did you want to go? Do you feel like Chinese?
Sam Malone: You know, on second thought, maybe that's not a good idea.
Woody Boyd: That's why I asked.

Sam Malone: How's life treating you, Norm?
Norm Peterson: Beats me... then he kicks me, and then leaves me for dead.


"Cheers: Sammy and the Professor (#8.13)" (1990)
Alice Anne Volkman: You had a question about how to buy Cheers.
Sam Malone: Yes I do.
Alice Anne Volkman: What's the question?
Sam Malone: How do I buy Cheers?

Sam Malone: [about business advice from Alice Ann Volkman] Actually I never did get any advice from her. She kept saying she was going to give it to me, but then we ended up in bed. And afterward she said she was going to give it to me the next day, but we ended up in bed again. You know, she never really told me anything. Now she's gone.
Rebecca Howe: Well. It's still been a hell of a couple of days.
Sam Malone: That slut.


"Cheers: The Last Picture Show (#11.18)" (1993)
Newscaster on Television: We're going live now to the Route 93 overpass where an unidentified woman has climbed to the outside rail and is threatening to jump. An emergency rescue team has had no luck so far in persuading the woman to climb down from her dangerous perch.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, boy. As one who has been there, it is imperative that they do nothing to agitate that woman.
Cliff Clavin: Boy, oh boy. I mean, what would have to go wrong in your life to be driven to such desperate measures, huh?
Newscaster on Television: We have a tentative identification. The woman is Anna Cosetti of Boston...
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: Sam, can I take the afternoon off?
Sam Malone: Why?
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: I gotta go look after the kids. That woman is my babysitter.

Sam Malone: [about Cheers] I bought this place from Gus.
Woody Boyd: Sam, you've been had. You already own this bar.
Gus O'Malley: [to Sam about Woody] He must be Coach's boy.


"Cheers: Bidding on the Boys (#6.8)" (1987)
Dr. Frasier Crane: [after Lilith buys Sam in a bachelor auction] Oh Sam, Sam, I've got to talk to you. You can't go through with this.
Sam Malone: Come on man, she's only doing it to make you jealous.
Dr. Frasier Crane: God, I'm losing her Sam.
Sam Malone: No, would you stop that, man. You're my friend. I'm never going to take a woman away from you.
Dr. Frasier Crane: What about Diane?
Sam Malone: And didn't God punish me with a vengeance?

Rebecca Howe: This is great! We're just $2,000 away from breaking the record. How many guys do we have left?
Carla LeBec: Just Sammy.
Rebecca Howe: Oh well, there's always next year.
Sam Malone: Two thousand dollars? Oh, gee, I might actually have to comb my hair.
[he walks away]
Rebecca Howe: Come on you guys, there's no way he can get that by himself. God, if we just had one more hunk.
Cliff Clavin: All right, all right, all right.
[he gets up]
Rebecca Howe: Mr. Clavin, that is a really sweet gesture, but isn't there some regulation against government employees in uniform participating in this kind of a thing?
Cliff Clavin: Oh, that is a very salient point, and one which I came within a hair of overlooking. I thank you.
[he shakes her hand]
Cliff Clavin: Boy, I shudder to think what might of happened.
Norm Peterson: We all do.


"Cheers: Where There's a Will... (#2.12)" (1983)
Sam Malone: [on Malcolm's news that he only has 6 months to live] You know this may be none of my business, but, ah, have you ever thought about getting a second opinion? I mean, doctors do make mistakes.
Malcolm Kramer: Every doctor I've been to has given me the same diagnosis, and I've been to twelve of the world's leading specialists.
Sam Malone: Well, maybe you'd get better news if you went to a quack.

Diane Chambers: Mr. Kramer, you made a wonderful gesture to these people, and now they're asking you to repeat it.
Sam Malone: You do that to me every night.
Diane Chambers: I'm waiting for you to get it right.


"Cheers: Little Carla, Happy at Last: Part 1 (#6.3)" (1987)
Carla Tortelli: [gets off the phone with her doctor and yells in horror] Twins?
Carla Tortelli: [about Eddie] He spills the salt, he breaks the mirror, and I'm the one having twins. I told you something horrible was going to happen.
Eddie LeBec: What is so bad? Twins means we're twice blessed.
Sam Malone: Yeah! I had twins once, and it was the happiest day of my life.

Sam Malone: I'm mixing them a batch of my good luck wedding punch.
Woody Boyd: Isn't that the same stuff you made when you got married to Miss Chambers?
Sam Malone: Woody, you wanna flush this down the toilet?


"Cheers: Just Three Friends (#2.11)" (1983)
Heather Landon: [pretending to be on the telephone holding a radio station contest] This is the WTRM radio contest. For a trip to Hawaii, name three cars that start with P.
Diane Chambers: [motioning to Sam] Go ahead.
Sam Malone: Porsche, Plymouth and Pontiac.
Diane Chambers: No, I'm sorry, those cars start with gas.

Diane Chambers: [Hearing knock on door] Sam?
Sam Malone: Malone. One for dinner.
Diane Chambers: [Opening door] Do you have reservations?
Sam Malone: Plenty of them, but I came anyway.


"Cheers: Truce or Consequences (#1.8)" (1982)
Sam Malone: [about Carla and Diane] You straighten everything out, the two of you?
Carla Tortelli: Oh yeah. You know, it was great. She got sickening, and I told the biggest lie I could think of, and she started to sing.
Sam Malone: Why did you do that?
Carla Tortelli: She brings out the little devil in me, Sam. I don't know - I was getting a buzz on, feeling a little loose, I decided just to have a little fun with her.
Sam Malone: What did you tell her?
Carla Tortelli: Sam. It's something I told Diane and she swore she would never tell another living soul... She'll tell you tomorrow.

Sam Malone: A little hung over, are we?
Diane Chambers: I can't keep anything from you.
Sam Malone: You know, I know something to stop hangovers.
Diane Chambers: Oh, thank God, help me. What is it?
Sam Malone: Don't drink so much.


"Cheers: The Beer Is Always Greener (#11.2)" (1992)
Norm Peterson: Listen, I guess we have to start a new tab, huh? It's too bad we lost my old bar tab in the fire.
Sam Malone: Oh, no. Actually, I had it in the safe.
Sam Malone: You did?
Sam Malone: Uh-hmm.
Norm Peterson: [incredulous] Why?
Sam Malone: Well, to tell the truth, it's kind of my most valuable asset. I like to think of it as my, my retirement plan, you know. One of these days, you'll start paying, and I can start thinking about retiring.
Norm Peterson: Yeah, well, I'd make other plans.

Woody Boyd: [entering the bar] Hi guys.
Rebecca Howe: Woody, what are you doing back here?
Sam Malone: How come you're not on your honeymoon?
Woody Boyd: Honeymoon? Is that what you call it when two people lock themselves in a room and refuse to speak or even look at each other?
Norm Peterson: No, Wood. That's marriage.


"Cheers: Take Me Out of the Ball Game (#10.21)" (1992)
[Carla has decided to visit Sam while he's on the road pitching for the Red Sox' farm team]
Sam Malone: Who's taking care of the bar?
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: Rebecca.
Sam Malone: [in a panic] Oh my God!
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: Ah, I'm just kidding. No one!
Sam Malone: [with a sense of relief] Ah, ah. You scared me there for a second.

Carla Tortelli-LeBec: Maybe, you should give it a little more time, Sammy. I mean, you've only been here a few weeks. Hey look, you can't quit now, I'm not going to let you.
Sam Malone: Come on, Carla. You've supported me in all my other decisions... except for maybe, you know, going out with Diane, and selling the bar, then hiring Rebecca and you know deciding to have a kid with her and everything.
Sam Malone: [angrily] What the hell kind of friend are you anyway?


"Cheers: From Beer to Eternity (#4.9)" (1985)
Sam Malone: Oh, by the way, Tawny wasn't the only one looking sexy out there in bowling shoes.
Diane Chambers: Well, thank you.
Sam Malone: No, no, no, I was talking about me. You know, I'm surprised you didn't mention it. No, seriously, seriously, great form out there.
Diane Chambers: Thank you.
Sam Malone: Oh no, no, I was still talking about me. All right, all jokes aside here, thank you very much for helping me beat Gary.
Diane Chambers: Well, I was getting tired of listening to some ignorant blowhard take himself and some stupid competition so seriously.
Sam Malone: Oh, boy, he really does that, doesn't he?
Diane Chambers: No, I was talking about you.

Sam Malone: I've never begged for anything in my life...
[Diane clears her throat loudly]
Sam Malone: ...that I actually enjoyed once I got it.


"Cheers: Strange Bedfellows: Part 2 (#4.25)" (1986)
Sam Malone: Hey Senator.
Gary Hart: Hi Sam. You left your coat in my car last night.
[hands Sam his coat]
Sam Malone: Oh, that's sweet of you to bring it by. Thank you.
Gary Hart: Oh, it's the least I could do for a Trivial Pursuit partner. By the way, thanks for your help with those sports questions.
Sam Malone: Oh well, that's, that's my strong point. Thank you for helping me with everything else.
Gary Hart: That's my strong point.

Janet Eldridge: [about Diane working at the bar] Would you lose customers if she leaves?
Sam Malone: No. As a matter of fact, I'd probably get a few back if I did let her go.


"Cheers: The Girl in the Plastic Bubble (#11.7)" (1992)
Sam Malone: [through a bull horn, talking to Frasier, who is on a third floor window ledge threatening to jump] What about your friends? What about me? I care for you? Hell, I love you, man.
[there is general excitement and approval from the on-looking crowd to Sam's announcement]
Sam Malone: [to the crowd] Yeah, I said it. Look, a guy can love another guy without being the kind of guy who loves other guys.
Sam Malone: [to Frasier] You knew what I was saying, didn't you Frase? You didn't think I meant the other thing, did you Frase?

Sam Malone: Frasier, Fras-don't listen to him, man. So it didn't work out with Lilith, you know. What's the big deal? That's ok. What about your friends? What about me, I care for you. Hell, I love you, man!
[the crowd gathered behind him aww's and applauds]
Sam Malone: [addressing the crowd] Yeah, I said it. A guy can love another guy without being the kind of guy who loves other guys.
Sam Malone: [directs his attention back to Frasier] You knew what I was saying, didn't ya, Fras? You didn't think that I meant... the 'other' thing, did ya?
Dr. Frasier Crane: [makes a head/shoulder gesture that can be construed as, 'I knew what you meant']


"Cheers: Now Pitching, Sam Malone (#1.13)" (1983)
[the gang are talking about predicting who the next president will be]
Cliff Clavin: I've got a pet little theory about that. You see, if you go back in history and take every president, you'll find that the numerical value of each letter in their last name was equally divisible into the year in which they were elected.
Paul: So who's going to win, Cliff? Reagan again?
Norm Peterson: What, Mondale?
Cliff Clavin: No, no, not a chance. You see, I figured it out. By my calculations, the next president has to be named Yelnik McWawa.
Sam Malone: That's the stupidest name I've ever heard.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Sam, please. You're talking about our next president.

Sam Malone: So Norm, what was Kennedy doing at the Copley?
Norm Peterson: Having lunch. I got his autograph.
Paul: You disturbed him during his lunch?
Norm Peterson: No, God. I waited until he went to the men's room.
Norm Peterson: [reads the paper with the autograph] "Marty Kroeger"?
Norm Peterson: [ripping up the paper in disgust] I got the wrong stall.


"Cheers: Endless Slumper (#1.10)" (1982)
Cliff: That's a little bit too much baseball for me. I'm heading out of here.
Norm: Not me, Cliffie. I'm a real Red Sox fan. I stay to the very last out.
Sam: It's closing time, Norm. I can't serve you any more.
Norm: [getting up to leave] It's not like it's the World Series or anything.

Sam: Hey, you're in luck here. A genuine Red Sock is on his way over.
Carla Tortelli: No kidding? Oh, wow.
Sam: [Carla begins cleaning beer mugs] What are you doing?
Carla Tortelli: Hey, Sam, I don't want a Boston Red Sock to come in here and get a glass with lipstick on it or crud at the bottom.
[Carla pounds the bartop to wake a barfly up]
Carla Tortelli: Sit up straight, will ya?
[Carla turns back to Sam]
Carla Tortelli: So, who is it, huh? Evans? Rice? Who, Yaz?
Sam: You heard of Rick Walker?
Carla Tortelli: [spits into the glass she's holding] He can use that one.


"Cheers: Dinner at Eight-ish (#5.20)" (1987)
[Carla catches Sam and Diane in a lie in not babysitting for her]
Carla Tortelli: [to Sam, angrily] So, you and Diane have 'this thing Wednesday night', huh? Why don't you just come out and say it: you don't want to spend an evening alone with my kids.
Sam Malone, Diane Chambers: We don't want to spend an evening alone with your kids.
Carla Tortelli: Neither do I.

Dr. Frasier Crane: [after locking Lilith and Diane in the bathroom] You know, I don't think I can stand all this caterwauling. What do you say we go upstairs? I've got all thirteen episodes of "I, Claudius" on tape.
Sam Malone: Great. I love gladiator flicks.


"Cheers: The Bar Manager, the Shrink, His Wife and Her Lover (#11.17)" (1993)
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: How long has Frasier been sleeping with Rebecca?
Sam Malone: I beg your pardon?
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: Did he at least have the courtesy to wait until I was in the ground?

Sam Malone: Did you hear that everybody? Frasier and Lilith are back together again. Oh, that makes me so happy. Here, free drinks on the house.
[Sam pours a mug of beer and hands it to an excited Norm]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Just a minute, Sam. I haven't taken her back.
Woody Boyd: [as he grabs the beer from Norm's hands] Ah, sorry, Mr. Peterson.
Norm Peterson: [to Frasier and Lilith] Wait, wait, come on now, now... You two kids belong together. Come on.
Dr. Frasier Crane: The unmitigated gall. You think you can walk back into my life and patch it up again as quickly as you destroyed it.
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: Frasier, I'm sorry.
Norm Peterson: All right, she's sorry. Beers for everybody, come on.


"Cheers: Show Down: Part 2 (#1.22)" (1983)
Sam Malone: [to Diane] How do you think it feels to be attracted to someone who makes you sick?
Diane Chambers: I could write a book on the subject.

[Sam and Diane are about to have their first kiss]
Sam: You are the nuttiest, the stupidest, the phoniest fruitcake I ever met!
Diane: And you, Sam Malone, are the most arrogant, self-centered...
Sam: SHUT UP! Shut your fat mouth!
Diane: Make me!
Sam: Make you? Why, I'm... I'm gonna... I'm gonna bounce you off every wall in this office!
Diane: Try it and you'll be walking funny tomorrow. Or should I say funnier.
Sam: You know, I always wanted to pop you one. Maybe this is my lucky day.
Diane: You disgust me. I hate you.
Sam: Are you as turned on as I am?
Diane: More.
Sam: Bet me.
[They kiss]


"Cheers: Second Time Around (#4.17)" (1986)
[Diane is comparing her and Sam's relationship to Candi and Frasier's]
Diane Chambers: We were as you are diametrically opposed personalities. Oh, at first, our differences were charming to us. I found Sam's lack of refinement and sophistication crudely provocative.
Sam Malone: Yeah, and I liked the way her hair smelled.
Diane Chambers: I'm sure in addition you were excited by the intellectual vistas to which I exposed you.
Sam Malone: Ah, no, I really think it was that conditioner.
Diane Chambers: The point I'm trying to make is that the only thing we had was a great physical relationship.
Sam Malone: And we had a lot of that.

Sam Malone: [musing about the possibility of Sam asking Diane to marry him] What would your answer be?
Diane Chambers: Ah, no, Sam, that's the sort of question that has to be asked before it can be answered.
Sam Malone: Well, if I heard the answer, maybe it would be easier for me to ask the question.
Diane Chambers: Very well. The answer's no.
Sam Malone: Well then the question was, "Have you ever met a man who gave you the hots more than me?"
Diane Chambers: I'd like to change my answer.
Sam Malone: Fine, fine.
Diane Chambers: Then the answer is yes.
Sam Malone: Well then the question was, "Do you want to go to bed with me?"
Diane Chambers: I want to change my answer again.
Sam Malone: Well that's OK, and I'll change my question too. "Is there any way you would not object to not going to bed with me?"
Diane Chambers: [Diane thinks for a second] Wait a minute...
[Sam chuckles at her]


"Cheers: The Boys in the Bar (#1.16)" (1983)
Norm Peterson: One night, Vito let's a gay group hold a meeting in the back room, right? Gay's for the... metric system. Story got in the newspaper, gets a lot of attention, and next thing you know, Vito's Pub turns into...
Norm Peterson: [in an effeminate voice] ... Vito's Pub.
Norm Peterson: All the regulars left, Sammy. Out went the oars and the moose heads, in came the plants and ferns. Ferns - eww. I just don't want that to happen to Cheers, that's all.
Sam Malone: I don't believe that stuff. Bars don't turn gay overnight.
Norm Peterson: You don't have to believe me. I have scientific proof. Cliff?
Cliff Clavin: It happened.
Norm Peterson: See!

Sam Malone: Hey, listen. Those guys are staying. If anyone else wants to leave, that's fine.
Norm Peterson: OK, Sammy, you know what kind of bar this is going to turn into.
Sam Malone: It's not going to turn into the kind of bar that I have to throw people out of.
Diane Chambers: That's the noblest preposition you've ever dangled.


"Cheers: Adventures in Housesitting (#7.11)" (1989)
Rebecca Howe: [about having a non-sexual relationship] Have you ever heard of conversation?
Sam Malone: Yeah, I've heard of conversation. You know, contrary to what a lot of people think, I'm not that dumb. Here, come on, try me. Sit down. Let's conversate.

[while Mr. Sheridan is in the kitchen with Satan who he thinks is his own dog Buster, Sam enters with the real Buster]
Rebecca Howe: Sam, get that mutt out of here.
Sam Malone: What?
Rebecca Howe: Sheridan's in the kitchen with Satan.
Sam Malone: This is no time for folk singing.


"Cheers: I'll Be Seeing You: Part 1 (#2.21)" (1984)
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Sam, you don't trust Diane very much, huh?
Sam Malone: Coach, it's gotten to a point where I can't trust a thing that woman says.
Norm Peterson: I know what you mean, Sam. Once the trust goes out of a relationship, it's really no fun lying to them anymore.

Diane Chambers: He's one of the most promising young artists in the country. Some day, he could be great.
Sam Malone: Ah, come on, Diane. If he was a great artist, what's he doing alive, huh?


"Cheers: Coach in Love: Part 2 (#3.7)" (1984)
Sam Malone: Oh, Carla, boy I hate to criticize, but I can't actually believe you read these sleazy scandal sheets?! I mean, look at this. I'm even above this. "Bigfoot Stole My Wife". "Have Aliens Taken Over Your Pet?" I mean, this is garbage.
Carla Tortelli: For your information Sam, I don't read those articles. I think they're just as stupid as you do. I get it because they happen to have a great crossword puzzle.
Carla Tortelli: [sits and starts working the the puzzle] OK, let's see. 7-across, "Five-headed cow born in Vermont".
[pauses]
Carla Tortelli: Maybelle.
[starts writing]
Carla Tortelli: 16-across, "State with the most UFO babies". Arkansas.
[writes]
Sam Malone: [mutters incredulously] I don't believe this.
Carla Tortelli: 32-across, "Aphrodisiac found in every kitchen cabinet".
[Sam secretly starts showing some interest, but still feigns disinterest]
Carla Tortelli: Uh, I don't know what that one is. Let me see what 14-down is. "Where Franco's brain is being kept alive". Fishtank. OK, so, the fifth letter of the aphrodisiac is an A. Now I remember: oregano.
Sam Malone: [Sam secretly grabs a napkin and pen, and starts scribbling "oregano"] Trash.

Sam Malone: Hey, Diane. Surprise
[holds up a brown paper bag]
Sam Malone: Found something else of yours lying around my place.
[pulls out a garrish looking red and black teddy from the bag and holds it up to Diane]
Sam Malone: Remember this?
Diane Chambers: Good Lord. Is that for wearing or for signalling aircraft?!
Sam Malone: Well, this is your teddy isn't it?
Diane Chambers: I don't know which of your mindless bimbi left that in your apartment. If she paid money for it, she should be seen to and chemically altered.
Sam Malone: Hey, what, what, you don't like the color?
Diane Chambers: What made you think that was mine?
Sam Malone: Well, you're the only person I know that shops at those fancy French places.
[shows Diane the teddy's label]
Diane Chambers: "The House of Ooh-La-La". Get it away from me. It's horrendous.
Carla Tortelli: [walks in and sees the teddy. picks it up. gushes.] Wow! This is lovely.
Sam Malone: Do you want it?
Carla Tortelli: Me? Oh, I can't take this Sam.
Sam Malone: Oh, no, please.
Carla Tortelli: God, Thanks.
[gushes]
Carla Tortelli: Ah. From "The House of Ooh-La-La".


"Cheers: A Bar Is Born (#8.3)" (1989)
Sam Malone: Don't you think this place could be as fun as Cheers?
Carla LeBec: Sam, I don't think this place could be as fun as World War II.

Sam Malone: I'll tell you what I want. I want my beat up old desk back. I want my sports stuff back on the walls. I want to get rid of those creepy plants out there and that stupid world map of where ever the hell it is.


"Cheers: Friends, Romans, and Accountants (#1.7)" (1982)
Diane Chambers: [sitting at a table with a man, snapping her fingers to call Sam over] Barkeep? A little service please. Mr. Sawyer will have scotch rocks, and um, hmm, let's see, what am I in the mood for.
Sam Malone: How about a good beating.
Diane Chambers: Perhaps a vermouth cassis.
Sam Malone: Fine. If you need anything else tonight, please just snap your fingers... in several places.

[Diane is chastising herself for acting like a cheap hooker. Sam is trying to comfort her]
Sam Malone: [to Diane] We all know that you'd starve to death before you made a living with your body.


"Cheers: A Kiss Is Still a Kiss (#6.10)" (1987)
Sam Malone: How's life treating ya?
Norm Peterson: It isn't Sammy, but that doesn't mean you can't.

Sam Malone: What can I get you?
Evan Drake: Got some twenty-year old scotch?
Sam Malone: No. We've got some pretzels that have been around for a while though.


"Cheers: Mr. Otis Regrets (#8.24)" (1990)
Woody Boyd: I'm advertising for a roommate. My landlord just raised my rent.
Sam Malone: Why don't you just move?
Woody Boyd: Are you kidding, I love my neighborhood. It's so quiet there. Especially since the gangs started using silencers.

Carla LeBec: [about Sam sleeping with Rebecca] Did you ever think this day would come?
Sam Malone: As a matter of fact, I never had any doubt here, Carla. Behold the sealed envelope. Please open it and read the contents.
[Sam hands an envelope to Carla, who opens it and reads its contents]
Carla LeBec: "I, Sam Malone, will sleep with Rebecca Howe on the night of April 19, 1990." When did you write this?
Sam Malone: This morning. I write a new one every day.


"Cheers: Sunday Dinner (#11.12)" (1993)
[the bar is empty and closed for the evening. The telephone rings; the answering machine picks up]
Woody Boyd: [voice on answering machine message] Hi. This is Cheers. Well, it isn't actually Cheers. It's Woody Boyd. Cheers is actually the bar, and as such it couldn't be expected to talk.
Sam Malone: [voice on the answering machine message] Woody, start again.
Woody Boyd: [voice on the answering machine message] What? I'm doing fine. Anyway, uh, there's nobody here to take your call right now. Well, actually if you call right now, we can take your call, but if you call when you...
Sam Malone: [voice on the answering machine message] Woody, would you cut it out. It's sounding stupid.
Woody Boyd: [voice on the answering machine message] I am not. Why do you always treat me like I don't know what I'm doing?
Sam Malone: [voice on the answering machine message] It sounds stupid, Woody.
Woody Boyd: [voice on the answering machine message] It does not.
[the answering machine beeps]
Woody Boyd: [voice on the telephone] Hi Sam. This is Woody. Uh, I guess you were right, it does sound stupid. I'll change it tomorrow.

Dr. Frasier Crane: Would you really like to go out with me?
Shauna: You bet I would. You know, I have an idea. Instead of going out, why don't you come over to my place for dinner on Sunday night?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Ah, your place? Ah, well, I'd be delighted. Can I bring anything? Dessert maybe?
Shauna: [seductively] Oh no, Dr. Crane. Don't bring dessert. I'll take care of that.
Sam Malone: [to Frasier, excitedly, jumping up and down] You're going to get dessert!


"Cheers: Diane Meets Mom (#3.8)" (1984)
Diane Chambers: I'm having dinner upstairs with Frasier and his mother. She's a seafood aficionado. I think she'll like the bouillabaisse at Melville's.
Sam Malone: You're having dinner with Frasier's mother?
Diane Chambers: You actually deduced I'm having dinner with Frasier and his mother when all I did was say it in your presence. No flash cards, no crib notes on your sleeve - uncanny.

Hester Rose Crane: [about Diane] I understand you used to date that woman. I want to know how much you charge to start things up again.
[starts writing out a cheque]
Sam Malone: You don't have enough money.
Hester Rose Crane: How would you know?
Sam Malone: There isn't enough money.
Hester Rose Crane: I know what you mean.
[rips up the cheque]
Sam Malone: No, I don't think you do.
Hester Rose Crane: I think I do.
Sam Malone: Oh, no.
Hester Rose Crane: Oh, yes.
Sam Malone: Oh, no...


"Cheers: The Norm Who Came to Dinner (#10.4)" (1991)
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: [to the Cheers gang, partying late in the Crane living room] Stop this right now! I want you people out of my house!
Sam Malone: Hey, Lilith, what's wrong?
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: You've taken advantage of our hospitality! You should be ashamed of yourselves!
Sam Malone: Lilith, don't you think you're overreacting a little bit?
[phone rings, Sam answers]
Sam Malone: Cheers.


"Cheers: The King of Beers (#11.3)" (1992)
Norm Peterson: I think I got a job.
Sam Malone: Hey, all right, Normy.
Cliff Clavin: All right, everybody, stand back! I'll take care of this.
[to Norm]
Cliff Clavin: All right, mister. I don't know what pod you crawled out of, but you're not welcome in our world. Now go in peace, and give us our Normy back!


"Cheers: The Executive's Executioner (#3.21)" (1985)
Sam Malone: What's wrong there, Cliffy?
Cliff Clavin: Ah, a couple moved in next door to me and Ma. They're just not our kind of people. They're loud, they're noisy, up to all hours playing their be-bop music. Automobile parts strewn all over the yard - nothing I can use.


"Cheers: Little Sister, Don't Cha (#2.2)" (1983)
Sam Malone: [about Carla's sister, Annette] No, no, we do not have to tell Carla about this. It's none of our business if she likes men. Loves men. She can do whatever she wants with her sex life. It's in the Bill of Rights.
Diane Chambers: Where is it in the Bill of Rights?
Sam Malone: Well, you know, the part about the right to assemble and bear arms.
Diane Chambers: That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
Sam Malone: Hey, hey, I thought you said that you weren't going to call me stupid now that we're being intimate.
Diane Chambers: No, I said that I wouldn't call you stupid *while* we're being intimate.


"Cheers: Is There a Doctor in the Howe? (#11.16)" (1993)
[Sam is outside the bar's front door, cleaning graffiti off the wall, namely the initials N.R.P. Cliff is watching him through the door's window]
Rebecca Howe: Not again.
Sam Malone: It's the fifth time this week. If I find out who this N.R.P. creep is, I'm going to really let him have it.
[inside the bar, Norm is pilfering beer out of the beer taps]
Cliff Clavin: Hurry up Norm, Sam is getting a lot faster at this.
Norm Peterson: Got it.
Cliff Clavin: Hey Norm. I know that the N.P. stands for Norm Peterson. What does the R stand for?
Norm Peterson: Resourceful.


"Cheers: Jumping Jerks (#7.8)" (1988)
[about 10 seconds after Woody has taken his first skydiving jump and is well out of earshot, Sam goes to the open plane door]
Sam Malone: [yells out] Hey Woody, is it scary?


"Cheers: The Days of Wine and Neuroses (#9.15)" (1991)
[Rebecca is hiding out in her apartment]
Sam Malone: Is this about getting married tomorrow? Are you getting cold feet?
Rebecca Howe: Certainly not. I am perfectly prepared to marry Robin and spend the rest of my life with him. I'm just not particularly looking forward to it.


"Cheers: Love Thy Neighbor (#4.8)" (1985)
Sam Malone: Whaddaya say Norm?
Norm Peterson: I never met a beer I didnt drink.


"Cheers: Little Carla, Happy at Last: Part 2 (#6.4)" (1987)
[Rebecca is polishing a trophy]
Sam Malone: What's that ugly looking thing?
Rebecca Howe: It's not an ugly thing, it's a WOBBY.
Sam Malone: What's a WOBBY Webecca?


"Cheers: Head Over Hill (#10.9)" (1991)
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: I have never once said anything about anyone you have ever slept with.
Sam Malone: Oh, right. What about Diane? Every morning, you threatened to stick a hand grenade in her mouth and pull the pin. You hated her.
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: [matter of factly] I disapproved of her.


"Cheers: I Kid You Not (#7.14)" (1989)
[Frasier got some gum on his pants]
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: We'll swing by our place and pick up another pair on our way to the opera.
Ludlow Tortelli: Which opera are you going to?
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: Die Meistersinger.
Ludlow Tortelli: Oh I know that one. That's where all the master singers get together in Nuremburg and have a big contest to find out who's best.
Sam Malone: Oh yeah, kind of like Star Search.


"Cheers: Bad Neighbor Sam (#9.9)" (1990)
Sam Malone: Thanks for dropping me off, honey.
Martha: Sure.
[they kiss]
Sam Malone: Oh, I tell you - phew! - man, Martha's Vineyard is the sweetest place on earth.
Martha: Bye, Sam.
Sam Malone: Bye, Martha.


"Cheers: How to Win Friends and Electrocute People (#7.7)" (1988)
Sam Malone: [enters Cheers, holding a handkerchief to his nose] You know, you're insane! You're a maniac! You're certifiable!
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: I'm glad to see you're talking to me again. Has your nose stopped bleeding?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Sam, are you all right?
Sam Malone: Yeah - no thanks to your wife. I cannot believe you made that gesture to that guy!
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: I've seen people make that gesture to Frasier all the time.
Sam Malone: Yeah, but Frasier's not driving an eighteen-wheeler with a little bumper sticker that says 'Insured by Smith and Wesson'!


"Cheers: A House Is Not a Home (#5.25)" (1987)
Diane Chambers: Sam, great news. I found a house.
Sam Malone: Hey, turn it in. Maybe you'll get a reward.
Diane Chambers: No, you goose. I found our house. I was driving to work today and as luck would have it, there was an eight-car smash-up.


"Cheers: Don't Shoot... I'm Only the Psychiatrist (#10.13)" (1992)
Sam Malone: Tony, my hair stylist, was making a left on Boylston and this bus cut him off. The car jumped the curb and he slammed through this hot dog stand and he ended up in a pond in the public gardens. He's in the hospital now with two broken legs. Gotta cancel my hair appointment. I hate it when stuff like that happens to me.


"Cheers: Rat Girl (#9.24)" (1991)
Sam: I'll try to put this as delicately as I can because you're my friend and I like you and I don't want to insult you. Why would any girl be caught dead with you when she could be with me?
Paul: [sarcastically] You thought that would offend me?


"Cheers: Fortune and Men's Weight (#2.17)" (1984)
Sam Malone: Listen, Cliff, the only battles I've won in life I won on my own.
Diane Chambers: Sam, that was brilliantly put.
Sam Malone: Oh, actually you said that to me just a few days ago.
Diane Chambers: I know, but you remembered it and used it in its proper context.


"Cheers: Home Malone (#9.25)" (1991)
Sam Malone: Say, Carla, I'm babysitting tonight. You got any advice for me?
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: Sure. Here's everything you need to know about babies. Remember, you're the boss.
Sam Malone: Yeah.
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: Don't let them give you any lip. And if they start to act crabby, stick a bottle in their mouth.
Sam Malone: Great, OK, great.
[Sam leaves and Kelly, who has just started working as a waitress at the bar, enters]
Kelly Gaines: OK, I'm ready.
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: OK. Here's everything you need to know about customers. Remember, you're the boss. Don't let them give you any lip. And if they start to act crabby, just stick a bottle in their mouths.


"Cheers: The Art of the Steal (#8.10)" (1989)
Sam Malone: [walks into the bar] Sorry I'm late. I just got back from my stylist.
Woody Boyd: Well gee, Sam, your hair doesn't look any different.
Sam Malone: Ah, no, this was just for an estimate. I was thinking about doing a body wave, and my insurance company wants me to go to three different places.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Sam, you have hair insurance?
Sam Malone: Yeah. What, I'm going to just walk around with fire and theft?


"Cheers: The Two Faces of Norm (#8.5)" (1989)
[Sam is interviewing potential buyers for his Corvette]
Sam Malone: This'll be pretty simple, here. Just a few multiple choice questions.
Dennis Hammill: Great. Shoot.
Sam Malone: Number one. It's high noon. You're driving in Harvard Square. Parking is limited. Do you: A. park in a handicap zone. B. park in a regular spot under a tree. C. drive around till a space opens up.
Dennis Hammill: C.
Sam Malone: [rants] What, are you nuts? I can't believe it, man. It's a trick question. You don't drive this baby at high noon, man. Sun damage, bucko. What the hell's wrong with you? What do you want to do, oxydize the paint? Get out of here, you make me sick. I can't believe it, he wants to drive my car, high noon in Harvard Square...


"Cheers: Diane Chambers Day (#4.22)" (1986)
Sam Malone: Hey, where's this relief waitress you hired?
Woody Boyd: Oh, don't worry, Sam. She's a great waitress, a complete professional.
Sam Malone: Oh, how come she's not here?
Woody Boyd: Well, she called and said she'd be about twenty minutes late. She wants to get in all her breaks before she starts.


"Cheers: Death Takes a Holiday on Ice (#8.7)" (1989)
Sam Malone: [reads a letter from the deceased Eddie to Carla] "Dear Carla. I hope you never have to read this because if you do, it means I'm dead. How are you, hey? I've done a terrible thing. I had to marry another woman. I didn't want to, but I made her pregnant. Oh, I guess I did two terrible things. Anyway, I just want you to know I'm sorry. You will always be the love of my life, even in death. Stay loose. Love, Eddie."


"Cheers: Strange Bedfellows: Part 3 (#4.26)" (1986)
Janet Eldridge: Haven't you ever thought about you and me tying the knot?
Sam Malone: Oh, you told me you didn't go in for that kinky stuff.


"Cheers: Veggie-Boyd (#9.10)" (1990)
Sam Malone: So, Jill, it's great to meet such a talented actress. Is there anything I can look forward to seeing you in - like my shower?


"Cheers: A Ditch in Time (#3.12)" (1984)
Sam Malone: [after a fight about their past relationship, where Diane is about ready to storm out of Sam's office] I'm sorry.
Diane Chambers: What?
Sam Malone: I'm sorry. I did the best I could when I was with you. I mean, you're right, I have blind spots, and I'm not a very good boyfriend. I have never tried harder with any woman in my life. I mean, we had some bad times, but I tell you, the good times with you were some of the best of my life.
Diane Chambers: That's the nicest thing you ever said to me.
Sam Malone: Diane...
Diane Chambers: No, Sam, stop. I want to get out of here before you say something stupid that ruins it.
Sam Malone: Oh, no, no, no...
Diane Chambers: No, no, no, no, now stop. Don't ruin it.
Sam Malone: I'm not going to ruin, it. I...
Diane Chambers: Sh-sh. Sh-sh-sh-sh-sh.
[she walks out of the office]
Sam Malone: [thinks for a second] Oh, yeah, that would have ruined it. Oh, would it ever.


"Cheers: The Magnificent Six (#11.4)" (1992)
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: What kind of cologne is that?
Sam Malone: It's a special blend: Old Spice, Hai Karate, and something that takes spots out.


"Cheers: Cheers Has Chili (#9.21)" (1991)
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: That's no reason for you to be a cheater.
Sam Malone: But you're the one who told me to cheat.
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: No, I said to kill her. Cheating's wrong.


"Cheers: Don't Paint Your Chickens (#7.15)" (1989)
Dr. Frasier Crane: Congratulate the doctor. I'm doing a piece on the psychological ramifications of Ingmar Bergman's later works for American Film.
Norm Peterson: Oh, that's great Frase.
Dr. Frasier Crane: I'd like to read it to you to see if it's still accessible to the layman. May I have your opinion?
Carla LeBec: Sure: buy a new suit, get a haircut, and stay home.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Thank you, Carla. Now, I call the piece, "Ingmar Bergman: Poet of the Subconscious". The films of Ingmar Bergman...
Norm Peterson: Boy, who could forget her in 'Casablanca', huh?
Dr. Frasier Crane: No, no, you're thinking of Ingrid Bergman, I'm talking about Ingmar Bergman.
Woody Boyd: Ingmar Bergman, the boxer?
Cliff Clavin: No Woody, you're thinking of Ingemar Johansson.
Sam Malone: You mean the guy that knocked out Floyd Patterson?
Norm Peterson: No, no, no, Sonny Liston knocked out Patterson.
Pete: Who knocked out Johansson?
Norm Peterson: Patterson.
Steve: Before Liston?
Norm Peterson: No, Johansson knocked out Liston.
Cliff Clavin: Well, who knocked out Patterson?
Woody Boyd: Was it Ingrid Bergman?
Pete: Ingrid Bergman...
Dr. Frasier Crane: [yells] Shut up, shut up! Not one more word. I came in here to discuss Ingmar Bergman, not to start an Abbott and Costello routine.
Norm Peterson: Actually, I thought it was more like Martin and Lewis.
Sam Malone: You mean, Joe Louis?
Cliff Clavin: Oh, he's the one who knocked out Floyd Patterson.
Woody Boyd: Then who knocked out Lou Costello?
Dr. Frasier Crane: [exasperated] Apparently Ingrid Bergman.
Woody Boyd: Boy, she was tougher than she looked.


"Cheers: Where Nobody Knows Your Name (#9.4)" (1990)
Rebecca Howe: [about Robin] I cannot just ask him if he loves Jeanne-Marie, because then he will think I don't trust him.
Sam Malone: You don't.
Rebecca Howe: I know, but I should. But if I ask him 'Do you love Jeanne-Marie?' and he says yes, I don't think that I could handle that. And if I ask him if he loved me and he said yes, then he would know that I did not trust him, and trusting him is the one thing that I really should do since he gave up his fortune for me... if he really did give it up for me... which I can never know because I can't ask.
Sam Malone: Let me see if I can put this in a nutshell. What?


"Cheers: The Improbable Dream: Part 2 (#8.2)" (1989)
Dr. Frasier Crane: So Sam, do you remember anything else about the dream?
Sam Malone: No, that was the eeriest thing. I mean it was real, it was vivid, like you, like real life.
Carla LeBec: Sammy, that's a premonition dream. That means it's really going to happen.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh Carla, that's an old wives' tale.
Carla LeBec: I'm an old wife.


"Cheers: Heeeeeere's... Cliffy! (#10.24)" (1992)
Sam Malone: You know, sometimes I don't think I'll ever find someone. I thought Diane was going to be the one, but turns out she wasn't. Lucky for me because if she had been, I just would have ended up killing her and dying in the electric chair.
Woody Boyd: That is lucky.


"Cheers: The Big Kiss-Off (#6.24)" (1988)
Sam Malone: [puckering] Do these lips remind you of anything?
Rebecca Howe: Yeah. I think the liver in my freezer's gone bad.


"Cheers: Do Not Forsake Me, O' My Postman (#11.5)" (1992)
[Frasier walks out of the men's room, where he was helping Cliff]
Sam Malone: [about Cliff] Oh, how's he doing there, Frasier?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, better, I think. Carla volunteered to bathe his face with cold water and he was doing fine until the seat came down on his head.


"Cheers: Finally!: Part 2 (#8.16)" (1990)
Woody Boyd: I always model myself after you. Well, not the way you're always hung up on your looks, that's kind of shallow really. And not the chasing after women part, 'cause that's kind of silly, but the other part.
Sam Malone: There is no other part.


"Cheers: Loathe and Marriage (#11.15)" (1993)
Woody Boyd: Hey Sam. Sorry I'm late. I had to stop at the drugstore.
Sam Malone: That's OK, Woody.
Woody Boyd: Yup. Had to make another embarrassing trip to the drugstore to get a little uh...
[Woody pauses with embarrassment]
Sam Malone: [under his breath] ... protection?
Woody Boyd: Yeah. You know, Kelly and I want to have a family and all, but we figured we'd wait until after that raise you promised.
Sam Malone: I hope you got a lot of protection!
Woody Boyd: Well, as usual you know, I'm a little embarrassed and nervous when I go in there, so I buy a whole bunch of stuff so it doesn't look like I'm just going to get some... you know.
Sam Malone: Protection.
Woody Boyd: Yeah.
Woody Boyd: [starts emptying his shopping bag] So I got some paper plates, batteries, flash bulbs, Skoal, some gum, Chia Pet, eyeglass repair kit yeah, oh notebook paper, and VO5.
Sam Malone: Where's the protection?
Woody Boyd: See you in about an hour, Sam.


"Cheers: Daddy's Little Middle-Aged Girl (#11.10)" (1992)
Sam Malone: You can't, you're not just going to pack up and go live in San Diego?
Rebecca Howe: [about her father] Why not? Who am I kidding. You heard him. I'm just a failure here in Boston.
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: Oh sure, I say it five years ago and get yelled at.


"Cheers: The Gift of the Woodi (#7.19)" (1989)
Sam Malone: Don't be bitter.
Woody Boyd: I'm not bitter, Sam. I'm just consumed by a gnawing hate that's eating away at my gut until I can taste the bile in my mouth!


"Cheers: Pudd'n Head Boyd (#6.9)" (1987)
Sam Malone: You can't spend your life dressed up like Mark Twain.
Woody Boyd: Why not? He did.


"Cheers: Coach Buries a Grudge (#2.19)" (1984)
Diane Chambers: [about The Coach's best friend] Scum. Making a play for his best friend's wife. Well, that's something that even you wouldn't do.
Sam Malone: Well, thank you for that, Diane. I can't take all the credit for that because most of my friend's wives are real uggos.


"Cheers: License to Hill (#10.18)" (1992)
John Allen Hill: Right now, I'm entertaining two hundred elderly women from the Daughters of the American Revolution.
Sam Malone: Giving them a first hand account, John?


"Cheers: Norm and Cliff's Excellent Adventure (#9.11)" (1990)
[Sam is trying to telephone Frasier]
Sam Malone: I keep calling the house and the machine keeps picking up.
Carla Tortelli: Oh, Lilith answers?


"Cheers: Bar Wars VII: The Naked Prey (#11.19)" (1993)
Sam Malone: Hello, Harry.
Harry 'The Hat' Gittes: Hey Sam.
Sam Malone: [looking at tableful of watches] Whatcha doing? Trying to sell some bogus watches, some knock-offs to my customers and try to cheat them?
Harry 'The Hat' Gittes: [holding up a watch] Sam, that hurts. This is no knock-off. That's a five thousand dollar Rolex, but it's on sale for twenty-five hundred.
Sam Malone: Is this a real Rolex, Harry?
Harry 'The Hat' Gittes: Yeah!
Sam Malone: [Sam grabs the watch and starts banging it on the table] Whoa. Hey, it sounds like a Rolex, doesn't it?
Sam Malone: [drops the watch into a mug of beer, which he holds up to take a look at the watch] Oh, look at that, it's still ticking too.
Harry 'The Hat' Gittes: Uh, Sam...
Sam Malone: Hey, do me a favor, just take your bogus goods and pedal them someplace else, will you.
[a man enters the room]
Watch Salesman: So Harry. Are you interested in buying a watch?
Harry 'The Hat' Gittes: No, but I think my friend Sam might be.


"Cheers: Honor Thy Mother (#9.13)" (1991)
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: All of the kids were there, so I figured it wouldn't hurt to ask them if anyone would fulfil their Grandmother's dying wish and change their name to Benito Mussolini.
Sam Malone: Any takers?
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: No, but I got two Madonnas and an MC Hammer.


"Cheers: Rich Man, Wood Man (#10.19)" (1992)
Kelly Gaines: [Woody has locked himself in the main office of Cheers] Woody, aren't you ever coming out of there? You're starting to scare me.
[Woody opens the door]
Woody Boyd: I'm sorry Kelly, I'm not trying to scare you but it's just, your money is turning me into a monster. All my old friends hate me now.
[Woody closes the door]
Kelly Gaines: But everything was going so well, what happened?
[Woody opens the door]
Woody Boyd: I just looked into a mirror and I didn't like what I saw.
[Woody closes the door]
Kelly Gaines: Whatever's wrong, we can work it out.
[Woody opens the door]
Woody Boyd: It's a little more complicated than that, Kelly.
[Woody closes the door]
Sam Malone: [remarking to himself and Norm nearby] It's like having a fight with Senor Wences.
Woody Boyd: [Woody opens the door] Come on in, Kelly.
Kelly Gaines: Thank you.
Norm Peterson: [after Kelly has gone into the office with Woody, and the door closes behind them] You know Sammy, you could nail that door shut right now. I didn't see a thing.


"Cheers: If Ever I Would Leave You (#3.20)" (1985)
Loretta Tortelli: [to Nick] Well, this isn't easy to say, and I don't know what song it's from, but there's a line in some song that goes, "I've got you under my skin".
Sam Malone: "I've Got You Under My Skin", Loretta.
Loretta Tortelli: What? Oh no, this is going to complicate things.


"Cheers: The Sam in the Grey Flannel Suit (#6.20)" (1988)
[Sam has just returned from lunch with Evan Drake]
Rebecca Howe: You scum sucking, power hungry, back biting creep. You stole my job.
Sam Malone: Naw, come on, that's not true. But I will bite your back for you if you want.
Rebecca Howe: Oh, well, then what were you talking to Evan about?
Sam Malone: He just offered me an executive position down at corporate.
Rebecca Howe: You scum sucking, power hungry, back biting creep.
Rebecca Howe: [to Evan Drake as he walks by] Hi Mr. Drake, I was just congratulating Sam.


"Cheers: The Improbable Dream: Part 1 (#8.1)" (1989)
[Rebecca has been having erotic dreams about Sam]
Rebecca Howe: [ranting, while pointing at Sam] Look at what I'm dreaming about. A bartender in an off the rack shirt with a button missing.
Sam Malone: It's not missing. I always keep it unbuttoned so that I can scratch my stomach.


"Cheers: Save the Last Dance for Me (#4.20)" (1986)
Sam Malone: [about dancing] No, really, you should have seen Carla and Nick out there. They were like Fred and Ethel, really.


"Cheers: Finally!: Part 1 (#8.15)" (1990)
Rebecca Howe: I guess I kind of thought you wanted me.
Sam Malone: What would give you that idea?
Rebecca Howe: Oh, a guy hits on you every day for three or four years. You kind of start to trust him.


"Cheers: Madame LaCarla (#10.3)" (1991)
[Madame Lazora enters the bar]
Sam Malone: Ah, Madame Lazora.
Madame Lazora: [in her psychic voice] I sense the tortured anguish of many lost souls screaming for release.
Norm Peterson: That's probably me. I had kielbassa for breakfast.


"Cheers: The Last Angry Mailman (#6.7)" (1987)
Dr. Frasier Crane: All right, stop everything. I've got a major news flash. I just had lunch with Miss Howe's former college classmate, and it seems that she had a nickname at UConn.
Sam Malone: Give, give.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, he wasn't sure how she came by this appellation, but it seems that at some point during her little sojourn there, she became known as... Backseat Becky.
[general laughter among the crowd]
Woody Boyd: Boy, what do you suppose that means?
Cliff Clavin: Woody, what that means is...
Carla LeBec: Cliff, Cliff, why don't you let someone who's been there tell it. Woods, she likes to do her cushion pushin' on four wheels.
Woody Boyd: Miss Howe? Really? You know, back where I come from, we used to say something about girls like that.
Carla LeBec: What?
Woody Boyd: Let's date 'em.
[Rebecca enters the room]
Sam Malone: [looking in Rebecca's direction] Oh, looky here. Something tells me I'm going to be completely obnoxious about this.
[everyone laughs as Rebecca approaches]
Rebecca Howe: What's so funny?
Sam Malone: Oh, we were just talking about nicknames, you know, different funny nicknames that people have. Did you ever have a nickname?
Rebecca Howe: As a matter of fact, no.
Sam Malone: Really? Nothing, huh? Not a Sparky, or Lefty, or Bubba?
Rebecca Howe: Sorry.
Sam Malone: Guys, we oughta give Rebecca here a nickname. Ah, you know, something that kind of fits her personality: kind of dignified, kind of businesslike, kind of reserved. Let me think a minute.
[pauses]
Sam Malone: Anybody?
Dr. Frasier Crane, Carla LeBec, Cliff Clavin, Tim, Hugh, Norm Peterson: [loudly] Backseat Becky.
[Rebecca slinks down behind the bar in embarrassment]
Sam Malone: Gee, that works for me.
Woody Boyd: I kind of like Bubba.


"Cheers: Coach Returns to Action (#1.9)" (1982)
Sam Malone: [Norm enters the bar to his usual call of greeting] What's up, Norm?
Norm Peterson: My nipples. It's freezing out there.


"Cheers: It's a Wonderful Wife (#9.20)" (1991)
Sam Malone: Cheers wouldn't be Cheers without you. You're the reason why people come here.
Norm Peterson: Oh, what people?
Sam Malone: Well, uh, delivery men for one.


"Cheers: Ma Always Liked You Better (#9.5)" (1990)
Rebecca Howe: I think we'll just make an entrance through the alley.
Sam Malone: Oh, you got to be kidding. What are you going to do? Bust a hole in my wall?
Norm Peterson: Oh, actually Sam, you know that window - the leaded stain glass window - is in a single wooden frame, so I think you could pop it out fairly easily with a crowbar. I think the opening is like four by eight which is perfectly good for a standard entrance. You build a little staircase and you've got a nice little doorway.
Sam Malone: Boy you've put a lot of thought into this.
Norm Peterson: It's always been a dream of mine to someday retire and build a little apartment back there.


"Cheers: The Spy Who Came in for a Cold One (#1.12)" (1982)
Sam Malone: What's new, Norm?
Norm Peterson: Most of my wife.


"Cheers: Sam Time Next Year (#9.18)" (1991)
[Frasier is examining Sam's back after Sam takes a tumble down the stairs]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Let me see. I don't believe there's a fracture, just a serious sprain around lumbar 3. Does it hurt when I do this?
[Frasier manipulates Sams back]
Sam Malone: Ow-ow-ooh.
Dr. Frasier Crane: That's good, that's good.
Sam Malone: Why? Does that mean I'm going to get better?
Dr. Frasier Crane: No, 'cause it means that I know what I'm talking about.
Dr. Frasier Crane: [to Lilith] You see Lilith, I so could have been a real doctor.


"Cheers: Look Before You Sleep (#11.20)" (1993)
Sam Malone: I think I'll just stretch out on the couch here.
Norm Peterson: Oh, no, no, I'm going to sleep on the couch tonight.
Sam Malone: You sleeping on the couch?
Norm Peterson: Yeah, yeah, sometimes when I come home late from Cheers, I don't like to wake Vera up, so I just crash out on the couch here.
Sam Malone: But you're always late at Cheers.
Norm Peterson: Yeah, how about that!


"Cheers: Diamond Sam (#5.14)" (1987)
Diane Chambers: Oh Sam, what did the doctor say?
Sam Malone: Same thing he always does: "Wow".


"Cheers: Crash of the Titans (#9.19)" (1991)
Sam Malone: [about $25,000 Rebecca says she has] Where are you going to get that kind of money?
Rebecca Howe: I have a degree, I'm a businesswoman, I just spent the last ten years in a major corporation my daddy is giving it to me.


"Cheers: Any Friend of Diane's (#1.6)" (1982)
Diane Chambers: [about her friend, Rebecca] Sam. That woman over there is a dear friend of mine. Now she is going through a very difficult period. So whatever she asks you, please, just say no.
Sam Malone: [confused] What?
Diane Chambers: No.
Rebecca Prout: [approaching Sam and Diane] Diane?
Diane Chambers: Yes?
Rebecca Prout: Would you excuse us a moment?
Diane Chambers: Fine.
[as she leaves Sam and Rebecca alone, Diane emphatically mouths the word "no" to Sam]
Rebecca Prout: Would you object to joining me in my hotel room for a afternoon of wild animal passion?
Sam Malone: [loudly so that Diane can hear] No!
[Diane nods her approval]
Sam Malone: What's your name?
Rebecca Prout: Does it matter?
Sam Malone: [loudly so that Diane can hear] No!


"Cheers: Rebecca Redux (#9.3)" (1990)
[a delivery man enters the bar]
Deliveryman #2: I got a truck-load of sorghum for a Sam Malone.
Sam Malone: [yells] I didn't say I wanted sorghum, I said I wanted some more gum.
Sam Malone: [referring to the machine on which he made the order] God, I hate those things.
Deliveryman #2: It's not my problem. Where did you want me to put this?
Sam Malone: Wh... , I don't know. What is sorghum anyway?
Woody Boyd: It's grain, Sam. It's used to feed livestock.
Sam Malone: [referring to the guys at the bar] Say, if I put it in a bowl, would those guys eat it?
Woody Boyd: Are you kidding, I was late putting out the beer nuts last night, and Mr. Peterson almost snapped off my thumb.
Sam Malone: Fill 'em up.


"Cheers: How to Marry a Mailman (#8.4)" (1989)
Cliff Clavin: I spent the last few hours walking around the apartment blindfolded. I know every nook and cranny by heart.
Sam Malone: Didn't you bang the hell out of your shins?
Cliff Clavin: Yeah, yeah, the first ten or twenty times, but those nerves are long dead now.


"The Simpsons: Fear of Flying (#6.11)" (1994)
Carla Tortelli LeBec: Sammy, you're too old to go on a date with two twins the same night. You're supposed to marry Diane without Rebecca knowin'!
Sam 'Mayday' Malone: All right, Carla, I'll make you a bet. If this affects my major league comeback, I'll sell the bar.


"Cheers: Rebound: Part 1 (#3.1)" (1984)
Norm Peterson: Sammy, I just want to say this because you're my friend. Don't get all defensive, but maybe you are drinking a little more than you should.
Sam Malone: Well, so are you.
Norm Peterson: I already have a mother, lush face.


"Cheers: Indoor Fun with Sammy and Robby (#8.19)" (1990)
[Sam and Robin are playing chess]
Robin Colcord: King's rook to Queen 1.
Sam Malone: [repeating Robin's move] OK, King's rook to Queen 1. Well, in that case, my horsy guy takes your little pointy headed guy.


"Cheers: The Cranemakers (#7.16)" (1989)
Rebecca Howe: Woody.
Woody Boyd: Yes, Miss Howe.
Rebecca Howe: I just got my butt chewed out on your account.
Sam Malone: Must have been a real light eater.


"Cheers: Father Knows Last (#1.15)" (1983)
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: You know the biggest argument I ever had with my wife was over naming our daughter. She kept insisting, insisting on Lisa, and I wanted to stick with the original name.
Sam Malone: What was that, Coach?
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Baby Girl Pantusso.


"Cheers: Carla Loves Clavin (#9.22)" (1991)
Sam Malone: [about the organizers changing the Miss Boston Barmaid contest to a skills based contest rather than chest size contest] The whole contest has gone to hell. I mean, believe me, I really presented my case to the contest committee. Look, I made a graph, here, look at this.
[Sam holds up a line graph, the points which are pretty consistently high except for one very low point]
Sam Malone: Now these are the bust measurements of all the winners since 1976, and almost to a woman, they're over a thirty-eight.
Woody Boyd: What's this one that dips way down here?
Sam Malone: Ah, that's the year Diane won.


"Cheers: Young Dr. Weinstein (#5.7)" (1986)
Diane Chambers: I have the most exciting news everyone. Tonight, I'm eating dinner at The Cafe.
Sam Malone: Oh. Gee, that's pretty exciting. Tonight, I'm driving home in 'the' car.


"Cheers: The Proposal (#5.1)" (1986)
Diane Chambers: [after Diane has jumped off the sailboat and into the water] Sam, throw me a line, please.
Sam Malone: OK. "What's a nice girl like you doing in an ocean like this?"


"Cheers: Airport V (#6.19)" (1988)
Sam Malone: Carla wants to visit Eddie on the west coast but she's afraid to fly.
Dr. Frasier Crane: What do you mean by afraid to fly, what, um, she's clausterphobic, agoraphobic or acraphobic?
Carla LeBec: Deathaphobic.


"Cheers: Power Play (#2.1)" (1983)
Sam Malone: You've made my life a living hell.
Diane Chambers: I didn't want you to think I was easy.


"Cheers: Achilles Hill (#9.14)" (1991)
[Valerie, who Sam has never met, has come down from Melville's to talk to Sam about a check he made out to John Allen "You Stink" Hill as rent for the pool room]
Valerie Hill: Excuse me. Are you Mr. Malone?
Sam Malone: Yeah.
Valerie Hill: Well, there seems to be a problem with this check.
Sam Malone: Oh, what, I just made a joke name up, big deal. All he has to do is make sure he endorses it John I Stink Hill.
Valerie Hill: No, Mr. Malone. You made it out for too much. You added an extra zero.
Sam Malone: [apologetically] Wow. Oh, well, thank you very much. It's... I'm kind of surprised that someone as nice as you works for that bald headed jackass.
Valerie Hill: Oh, I don't work for him. I'm the bald headed jackass' daughter, Valerie You Stink Hill.
Sam Malone: I'm sorry. I never intended for anyone to see that except John.
Valerie Hill: And all the people at the bank.


"Cheers: Our Hourly Bread (#6.21)" (1988)
Sam Malone: Norm, you've worked for the big firms. What do they do when they need a lot of money?
Norm Peterson: All right, first off, they go and fire all the dead wood.
Sam Malone: And then what?
Norm Peterson: I'm long gone by then Sam.


"Cheers: And Coachie Makes Three (#2.15)" (1984)
[Sam is in Diane's apartment. There's a knock on the door]
Sam Malone: Who's there?
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Me. Who's there?
Sam Malone: Coach?
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: No. I'm Coach.


"Cheers: Paint Your Office (#6.6)" (1987)
Sam Malone: [angrily] You know, I'll tell you something lady. There was a time when I was considering making love to you, but now it's out of the question. As a matter of fact, you know, I wouldn't make love to you if asked me - if you begged me - to make love to you, I wouldn't. Go ahead, just ask me. Just try. See what happens.
Rebecca Howe: Would you make love to me?
Sam Malone: Well OK, but just once.