Dr. Frasier Crane
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Quotes for
Dr. Frasier Crane (Character)
from "Frasier" (1993)

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"Frasier: Three Dates and a Breakup (#4.19)" (1997)
Frasier: Niles, was that Natalie Spencer I just saw you talking with?
Niles: As a matter of fact it was. I've been admiring her all evening, so I steeled myself and asked her if she might be free next week.
Frasier: And?
Niles: Well, her lips said "no", but her eyes said "read my lips".

Niles: Have you noticed there are fewer hazlenuts in these biscotti?
Frasier: So I'm not crazy.
Niles: And yet they've gone up twenty-five cents.
Frasier: Oh, fewer nuts, more money - something I've been aspiring to for my entire professional life!

[Frasier plots to get Martin and Sherry out of the house]
Frasier: I bought tickets to an event which is right up their aisle. I felt so mortified just buying the tickets, I paid cash so they couldn't trace it back to me.
Waitress: Excuse me, people! Did somebody leave some tickets back here?
Frasier: Oh, good Lord!
Waitress: Something called, "Nashville on Ice!" Ice skating country jamboree.
[Frasier grabs the tickets as the crowd starts laughing at him]
Frasier: Oh, don't look so smug, you try skating and blowing into a jug while your heart's breaking!

Frasier: [talking about Nashville on Ice: The All-Skating Country Jamboree] You try skating and blowing into a jug while your heart is breaking.

Frasier: Dad, there was a time after my first marriage was breaking up, I was talking to Mom. She said to me, "Frasier, you've got to promise me you're not going to give up." I said, "Mom, please, the last thing I want to hear is a bunch of clich s, and that we're all put on the earth to love each other, and how it's certainly possible for the human heart to love more than one person." I said, "Alright, Mom, give me one good reason to ever let myself fall in love again." She said, "Because I said so and I'm your mother!"

Roz Doyle: You haven't seen my friend John here, have you?
Frasier: No.
Roz Doyle: We're meeting for coffee. I'm going to tell him that I'm on my way to a chic cocktail party. This is the "Roz" that I want him to tell people about at that wedding in Wisconsin.
Frasier: The vain, neurotic, lying Roz?

Niles: Well, were you seriously considering playing couple's therapist with Dad and that woman, after we just got rid of her?
Frasier: I have no intention in repairing the rift. God, last night for the first time in months I wasn't jolted awake at two a.m. by her rousing rendition of "Funky Mountain Breakdown"!

Sherry Dempsey: Leslie, what do you do?
Leslie Wellman: Oh, I'm a dermatologist.
Sherry Dempsey: Good news, Frasier! If you get lucky tonight she might just look at that rash of yours!
Frasier: [resigned] Yes...

Frasier: So, for the second time in two nights Sherry manages to chase away another date! She's like a scarecrow in the cornfield of my love life!
Niles: I don't know how many more of your disastrous love stories I can hear. I'll say "when."

Frasier: [to Eddie] All right, young animal: learn from the master. Now, follow these time-honored traditions, and you too might get lucky with that young Pekinese peach you've been eyeing in the park. Now, for mood: Vivaldi. And then, for lighting: not so bright as to show the wrinkles, not so dark as to make her think you're hiding anything. And leaving nothing to chance...
[holds up wine bottle]
Frasier: Pouily Fuisse 1992, elector a la carte. Dear God, I could teach a course!

[a bell is heard from the kitchen]
Frasier: Oh, there's my canapés.
Niles: Oh, right. Date number two. I'll be off as well. You can fill me in tomorrow.
Frasier: You'll get a full debriefing - as, hopefully, will I.

Frasier: [answers the door] Niles! I'd offer you a sherry, but I'm fresh out!
[They slam their chests together]
Niles: I can't believe Dad finally came to his senses! Oh, shall we attempt a high-five?
Frasier: Well no, not after what happened last time. Your watchband got caught in my hair.

Frasier: Daphne, shh... do you hear that?
Daphne Moon: What?
Frasier: The sound of a Sherry-free apartment. I've been basking in it for the last thirty minutes. Right now, I feel like a seafront village after the Vikings have left.

[Frasier brags about having three dates in a row that weekend]
Roz Doyle: Not bad.
Frasier: "Not bad"? If I didn't know better, I'd say someone was a little jealous. After this weekend you may have to give up your dating crown.
Roz Doyle: I once had three dates on a single Saturday and still had time to defrost my refrigerator and rotate my tires.
Frasier: [deflated] It's a wonder you could rotate anything after that.

Niles: I suppose you came over here to gloat because a woman came onto you.
Frasier: Not hardly, I wouldn't do that sort of thing. I came over here to gloat because *two* women came onto me!
Niles: Two?
Frasier: My God, I've never had a night like this in my entire life! I'm a babe magnet, I'm catnip!
Niles: I think I feel a fur ball coming up.

[Niles balks at asking out an attractive woman at a party, while two women have already come onto Frasier]
Frasier: Well Niles, I'll tell you what. Seeing as how Cupid has so amply stocked my quiver this evening, I shall try and shine on your behalf.
Niles: [nearly sick] Oh my God, you're unbearable!

[in the elevator, Frasier starts to re-tuck his shirt, but remembers the hidden camera]
Frasier: Not so fast, Mr. Hicks. You won't find me doing anything foolish.
[He opens his umbrella over his head, and starts to unbuckle his trousers, but finds how hard it is to do with only one hand. When the doors open, Daphne is waiting there, and Frasier shuffles out in a half-crouch, with his pants around his knees and still holding the umbrella over his head]
Frasier: Daphne.
Daphne Moon: Hello, Dr. Crane. Enjoy your evening.
Frasier: Yes, you too.
[She enters the elevator]
Daphne Moon: [to the camera] He's been under a lot of stress lately.

[Daphne is practicing an American accent]
Daphne Moon: I'll see you later.
[normal voice]
Daphne Moon: You see, that's the problem when I speak American, I don't know what to do with my "R"s.
Frasier: Try hauling it out of here!

[while riding up in the elevator, Daphne waves toward the ceiling]
Frasier: What are you doing?
Daphne Moon: Saying hello to Mr. Hicks in security.
Frasier: There's a hidden camera up there?
Daphne Moon: Yes, but he said don't worry about it. He said lots of people pull down their pants to tuck in their shirts. Though he did recommend having that rash looked at.

[Frasier is trying to mend fences between Martin and Sherry]
Frasier: Wait, can you just stay for a few minutes? I think I can straighten this whole thing out.
Sherry Dempsey: Oh, it sure didn't look like he wanted to.
Frasier: Oh, he's just being his old stubborn, ornery self!
Sherry Dempsey: [wistfully] I do miss that.

Daphne Moon: Well, at least they'll be in a good mood when they come out. There's nothing like make-up sex.
Frasier: Daphne, please, Sherry and dad don't have make-up sex.
Daphne Moon: Well of course, they're probably at it right...
Frasier: Daphne, please. I have to sleep at night. My dad and Sherry do *not* have sex!


"Frasier: My Coffee with Niles (#1.24)" (1994)
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well Niles, it doesn't look like anybody is leaving; why don't we take a table outside?
Dr. Niles Crane: Why not? I'm feeling al Fresco.
Dr. Niles Crane: Oh, how does Mrs. Fresco feel about that?
[they laugh]

Dr. Niles Crane: What is that? Rain?
Dr. Frasier Crane: [sarcastic] No, God is crying!
Dr. Niles Crane: I asked a simple question.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Do you ask any other kind?

Dr. Niles Crane: [Frasier starts laughing] What? What?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, just something that happened the other morning. I asked Dad to pass me a bran muffin, you know what he said to me? He said "What's the magic word?"
Dr. Niles Crane: You're kidding!
Dr. Frasier Crane: He didn't think it was very amusing when I said "rest home"!
[they both laugh]

Niles: [sees Roz with her date] Oh look, look that must be Roz's coffee companion. Wow! He's really handsome, isn't he?
Frasier: "Wow"? Did you say "Wow"?
Niles: Good Lord, I did. I've never said "Wow" when describing another man before. I wonder if that means something.
Frasier: [sarcastic] Oh, absolutely. It means you're a gay man. Your life with Maris was a charade and you should have come out of the closet years ago. Are you going to tell Dad or shall I?
[They laugh]

Frasier: So, what's new?
Niles: Well, Yoshi the gardener finally won the battle of the wills. He got Maris to dig up her camellias so he could put in that precious Zen garden that he's been hocking us about since last fall.
Frasier: How did that turn out?
Niles: Oh, it's beautiful, it's the perfect place for meditation. Yesterday, I found Maris smack-dab in the middle sitting in the lotus position.
Frasier: Well, good for her. Apparently it's bringing out her spiritual side.
Niles: I'm not sure, she was reading a Danielle Steele novel and making a nail appointment on her cellular phone.

Niles: Maddening!
Frasier: What is it now?
Niles: They have a new moisturizer dispenser in the men's room, and the cream is entirely too oily, so I had to rewash my hands, and wouldn't you know it, that is when the hot-air hand dryer decides to break down!
Frasier: How do you get through the day?

Niles: You know, sometimes I wonder if I'm not just in psychiatry for the money.
Frasier: Oh, I wouldn't say that's true. If it were... oh, forget it.
Niles: What were you going to say?
Frasier: I'd rather not.
Niles: Well, there's no need, I think I know what you were getting at. You've been wanting to ask me this for years: did I marry Maris for the money?
[Frasier nods]
Niles: I resent that! I did not marry Maris for the money. It was just a delightful bonus.

Frasier: [on Maris] So, you really do love her?
Niles: Of course I love her. But it's a different kind of love.
Frasier: You mean it's not human?
Niles: No, no, I mean it doesn't burn with the passion and intensity of a Tristan and Isolde. It's more comfortable, more familiar. Maris and I are old friends. We can spend an afternoon together - me at my jigsaw puzzle, she at her auto-harp - not a word spoken between us and be perfectly content.
Frasier: I'm told it was a lot like that near the end in the Hitler household.

Niles: [on Roz] I don't think she likes me.
Frasier: Niles, it isn't a question of liking or not liking. She despises you.
Niles: Really? Why should I warrant such strong emotions? I barely acknowledge her existence.
Frasier: I think you may be on to something there, Sherlock!

Martin: I'll pay for coffee too, how much is it?
Frasier: A dollar-fifty.
Martin: For coffee? What kind of world are we living in?

[Frasier comes back from the bathroom]
Niles: Frasier, are you all right? You've been in there forever.
Frasier: Oh, I tried that damn hand cream, it was so oily I couldn't get a grip on the doorknob. I waited to be rescued, finally when some guy came in I said, "Oh God, am I glad to see you." I can't even begin to describe the look he gave me.
[a man walks past Frasier, giving him an indescribable look]
Frasier: There it is!

Daphne: [on Martin] I don't know what's wrong with him. Lately, he's had a face as long as a wet weekend. Yesterday, when I insisted he do his exercises, he told me to put my feet behind my head and spin like a top.
[Niles gets a glazed, dreamy look]
Frasier: Oh well, the best thing to do is just ignore him when he gets sarcastic. Isn't that right, Niles... Niles?
Niles: [snaps back] I'm sorry, Frasier. For some reason I feel a little dizzy.

Frasier: Look, why don't we just change the subject from Dad, and talk about something else.
Niles: Absolutely, pick a new topic. Something light and frothy.
Frasier: I agree... Are you in love with Daphne?
[Niles does a spit-take]
Frasier: That's a little frothier than I had in mind.

Frasier: Oh, I'm sorry Roz, why don't you join us?
Roz Doyle: No, no thank you. There's a cute new handyman in my building. I thought I'd just go home, slip into a negligée and rip out my faucet.
[she leaves]
Frasier: You think she's kidding, don't you?

Daphne: [Martin has just left in a huff] Well, I guess I better go after him.
Dr. Niles Crane: Oh, here.
[hands her his umbrella]
Dr. Niles Crane: Take my bumbershoot.
Daphne: Oh, isn't that nice, well at least someone appreciates my mother tongue.
[leaves]
Dr. Niles Crane: Yes, I've always had an ear for your tongue.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Niles!

Frasier: I suppose the situation you're in is, you'd like to stay with Maris, but you'd like to have an affair with Daphne.
Niles: Yes. Can I do that?
Frasier: No you can't!

Niles: [on Daphne] Why did you have to hire Venus herself? Couldn't you have found some beefy, East-European scrub woman who reeked of ammonia?
Frasier: Well, I asked, but it was an Olympic year. The agency was fresh out.


"Frasier: Death Becomes Him (#1.11)" (1993)
[Frasier attends a Shiva, and is confused by the black drapes on the mirrors]
Aunt Bobbie: We always cover mirrors at a Shiva, so those grieving don't have to be concerned with their own appearances.
Frasier: Ah. Oh well, you look very nice.
Aunt Bobbie: Oh, thank you. It's been driving me crazy!

Martin: I remember when I took you for your first tetanus shot, you were about five or six.
Frasier: Oh boy, was I scared. I remember you holding my hand.
Martin: Yeah. Bent over that table, dropped your little drawers. When the nurse gave you the shot, you took your mind off it by reciting the names of all of Puccini's operas. Right then I knew you'd never be a cop.

Daphne: We women have been poked and prodded my male doctors for centuries. I say it's high time you gents went to see a doctor of the opposite sex. See how you like waiting in that room, sitting there all naked and helpless and goosebumpy.
Frasier: Niles, surely you could recommend someone? Niles!
Niles: I'm sorry, my mind was somewhere else.

Daphne: It won't be so bad. Well, unless you have to parade around the office in one of those gown where your little bum peeks through the back.
Frasier: So Niles, what's Dr Newman's number? Niles. Niles
Niles: I'm sorry, I must have drifted off again.

Frasier: Why is it that every time we try to have a serious discussion, we end up talking about your sex life?
Roz Doyle: Because I have one.

Niles: I was in the middle of my workout, but, I can always pump iron later.
Daphne: Well, I'll just pop into the kitchen and fix us a snack.
[she exits]
Frasier: Pump iron? Niles, you don't even pump your own gas.

Martin: Look son, let me tell you something. There was this time, a while back, seven or eight of us were on this drug bust. We get the order to go through the front door, and the first guy took one. He was dead before he hit the ground. When you're a cop, you've got to be able to handle things like that, but I... I just couldn't get over it. Every time I had to go in a blind alley, or in a dark building, I just froze. And I knew if I kept being afraid to die, I'd never be able to do my job.
Frasier: So what did you do?
Martin: I just forced myself to forget about it.
Frasier: Just like that?
Martin: Just like that. Next time I came across one of those doors, I went right through it... The fact that I got shot in the hip was purely coincidental.
Frasier: You were this close to helping me there, Dad.

Martin: This is crazy. I'm not going to start putting my name on your stuff.
Frasier: Dad, what happens if I die tomorrow, you and Niles end up in an argument about... well, that African mask, for instance?
Martin: It'll never happen. Niles, you can have it.
Niles: I don't want it.
Daphne: Well, don't look at me. I throw a towel over that thing when you're not home.

Niles: Oh, I know who you should see. Dr. Gary Numan - his office is in my building. He has a very successful practice. I saw a Lichtenstein hanging in his office.
Frasier: Oh, a Lichtenstein! Sounds perfect!

Allen Freedman: The family are sitting Shiva.
Frasier: Excuse me?
Allen Freedman: You're not Jewish, are you?

Aunt Bobbie: May I help you?
Frasier: I didn't realize this was a mirror, I thought that maybe you were having an unveiling later.
Aunt Bobbie: You're not Jewish, are you?

[about the deceased doctor]
Aunt Bobbie: He didn't smoke, never touched caffeine...
Allen Freedman: Did you know he had less than 10 percent body fat on him?
Frasier: My goodness. Has anybody checked to see if he's really dead?
[no one laughs]

Mrs. Newman: Dr. Crane? I listen to you all the time, and uh - well, maybe you can help me? What would you tell someone who called into the show and said they can't get over why someone died? I keep running this over and over in my mind and... I just can't understand how someone like Gary, who did everything right, can just die. I can't make any sense of it.
Frasier: Mrs. Newman, I... I know you'd like me to come up with some grand answer to this whole thing. But I, I don't have one. There are none. Someone who consumes nothing but cigarettes and cheeseburgers all his life can live to be eighty-three, and someone who takes care of himself can die at forty-one. It's unfair. Believe me, there's no explanation for it. Believe me, I've checked. But, I suppose the best we can do is live for the little joys and surprises life affords us. You can't spend your life being obsessed with death.
Mrs. Newman: You're not Jewish, are you?

Aunt Bobbie: You're not Jewish, are you?
Frasier: No, no, uh, my, my ex-wife is, though, and, uh, so thus my son is, which makes me sort of, well, I guess, uh, you could say no I'm not Jewish.


"Frasier: The Good Son (#1.1)" (1993)
Frasier: Six months ago, I was living in Boston. My wife had left me, which was very painful. Then she came back to me, which was excruciating. On top of that, my practice had grown stagnant, and my social life consisted of hanging around a bar night after night. You see, I was clinging to a life that wasn't working, and I knew I had to do something, anything. So I ended the marriage once and for all, packed up my things, and moved back here to my hometown of Seattle. Go Seahawks.

[Frasier's single life has been upset by his father moving in with him]
Roz: Ever heard of Lupe Velez?
Frasier: Who?
Roz: Lupe Velez, the movie star in the '30s. Well, her career hit the skids, so she decided she'd make one final stab at immortality. She figured if she couldn't be remembered for her movies, she'd be remembered for the way she died. And all Lupe wanted was to be remembered. So, she plans this lavish suicide - flowers, candles, silk sheets, white satin gown, full hair and makeup, the works. She takes the overdose of pills, lays on the bed, and imagines how beautiful she's going to look on the front page of tomorrow's newspaper. Unfortunately, the pills don't sit well with the enchilada combo plate she sadly chose as her last meal. She stumbles to the bathroom, trips and goes head-first into the toilet, and that's how they found her.
Frasier: Is there a reason you're telling me this story?
Roz: Yes. Even though things may not happen like we planned, they can work out anyway.
Frasier: Remind me again how it worked for Lupe, last seen with her head in the toilet.
Roz: All she wanted was to be remembered. Will you ever forget that story?

[Frasier is showing his father his apartment]
Frasier: Dad, what do you think of that view, huh? Hey, that's the Space Needle there.
Martin: Oh, thanks for pointing that out. Being born and raised here, I never would have known.

Niles: I thought you liked my Maris.
Frasier: I do. I like her from a distance. You know, the way you like the sun. Maris is like the sun. Except without the warmth.

Frasier: How was I today?
Roz: Let's see... you dropped two commercials, you left a total of twenty-eight seconds of dead air, you scrambled the station's call letters, you spilled yogurt on the control board, and you kept referring to Jerry, with the identity crisis, as "Jeff."

Frasier: You're a psychiatrist, you know what it's like to listen to people prattling on endlessly about their mundane lives.
Niles: Touche. And on that subject, I heard your show today.

Frasier: No, not Eddie!
Martin: But he's my best friend!
Frasier: But he's weird! He gives me the creeps, all he does is stare at me!

Daphne: Wait a minute! I'm getting something on you - you're a florist!
Frasier: No, I'm a psychiatrist.
Daphne: Oh, well, it comes and goes. Usually it's strongest around my time of the month... so I guess I let a little secret out there.
Frasier: It's safe with us. Well, Miss Moon, I think we've learned everything we need to about you, and a dash extra!
Daphne: [turning to Eddie] You're a dog, aren't you?

Frasier: My study? You expect me to give up my study, the place where I read, where I do my most profound thinking?
Martin: Ah, use the can like the rest of the world!

Frasier: I mean "burden" in its most positive sense.
Martin: As in, "Gee what a lovely burden"?

[Frasier and Niles are looking through brochures for rest homes for Martin, and Niles is trying to talk Frasier into taking him in]
Niles: Golden Acres. We care, so you don't have to.
Frasier: It says that?
Niles: Well, it might as well.

Niles: You're a good son, Frasier.
[frustrated]
Frasier: Oh, God, I am, aren't I?

Frasier: Have you ever had an unexpressed thought?
Niles: I'm having one now.

Frasier: [a delivery man drops off Martin's chair... ] Dad as dear as this piece is to you, I just don't think it goes with anything here.
Martin: I know, it's eclectic!


"Frasier: Look Before You Leap (#3.16)" (1996)
Niles: You don't realize how desperate I am. Ever since our separation, I've been paying women to touch me.
Frasier: Oh, Niles...
Niles: Manicurists, pedicurists, facialists. When you see a man who's well-groomed, you can bet he's not getting any.

Frasier: Niles, you know I'm right.
Niles: You just don't want me to have sex because you're not having any!
Frasier: [shaking a finger at him] I most certainly am too!
Niles: Your lips say "yes" but your cuticles speak volumes.

Niles: Oh, and, by the way, thanks so much for the "cold shower" tip.
Frasier: Did it work?
Niles: No, it did not. It's clearly an old wives' tale, because I'm still thinking of my old wife's tail.

Frasier: As a matter of fact, this day only comes around once every four years. Hmm... You know, it's like a free day - a gift. We should do something special - be bold. It's leap year - take a leap!
Martin: You know, I was just about to say the same thing to you.

Frasier: Niles, I don't mind telling you, I'm a little bit concerned about this. Maris claps her hands; you come running?
Niles: Well, don't forget, there's a little something for me in this, too. I haven't had sex in six months.
Frasier: Oh, surely you're exaggerating. You've only been separated for three.
Niles: Your point would be?

Frasier: You really want to sacrifice your self-respect for a roll in the hay?
Niles: Substitute a sixteenth-century giltwood fainting couch for hay and watch me roll.

[Frasier has just persuaded Niles to decline Maris' invitation]
Niles: Oh, you're right. I'll tell her no. It's not going to be easy, though.
Frasier: Of course not. Just don't think about sex.
[from the kitchen, making breakfast]
Daphne Moon: Would you like me to butter your buns for you, Dr. Crane?
Frasier: [Niles's hands rattle, and Frasier grabs them] Grandma in a teddy.
Niles: Thank you.

Frasier: Well, I can see the unseasonable sunshine has done nothing to improve your mood.
Roz Doyle: Well, how would you feel if you just lost the love of your life?
Frasier: Alimony aside, I found it rather liberating.

[Daphne enters with a horrid hairdo, sobbing]
Daphne Moon: Tell me the truth: Is it as bad as I think it is?
Frasier: [carefully] How bad do you think it is?

[Niles abandons his decision]
Niles: I don't care what you're saying - I'm going to Maris!
Frasier: You will rue the day!
Niles: I don't care! Niles gotta have it!

Frasier: It may be an unwise man that doesn't learn from his own mistakes but it's an absolute idiot that doesn't learn from other people's.

Frasier: Hippity-bippity-boppity-bow, something and something and buttons and bows!

Frasier: [singing] East is East, and West is West and the wrong one I have chose! Let's go where you keep on wearing those-
[forgetting words]
Frasier: da-da-dahhs, and boppa dohs, things and buttons, buttons and bows! Don't bury me, uh - lovely pea, something, la-la-laaaaa! Let's all go to a... taco show, and a how I love, such and thrush, blow my nose, You look great in buttons and bows! I love you in buckskin, la da-da da-da daaaa!
[turns around and wipes his brow]
Frasier: Everybody! My bones denounce, the fearful trounce, and la-la la-la Moldic rose! Ba-da Seuss, a palm caboose, and a panda hop, and pantyhose, you look buppity, buttons and bowwwws!

Frasier: [quoting "Maude Müller" by J.G. Whittier] "For of all sad words of tongue and pen, the saddest are these: it might have been."


"Frasier: Seat of Power (#2.11)" (1994)
Frasier: Niles, have you been self-medicating again?

[Frasier is eating breakfast while Eddie stares at him]
Frasier: You are not getting the rest of my scone, so just forget it...
[takes a bite]
Frasier: Mmm. Really good, too. Yum, yum yum yum. Listen, I don't care, you can sit there 'til you're blue in the face. As far as I'm concerned, you don't even exist, you're not even here.
[he goes back to reading his paper, but soon crumbles]
Frasier: Oh, all right, here! Get fat!

Martin Crane: Got you again, huh? You're such a soft touch.
Frasier: I am not.
Martin Crane: Well, he never begs when I'm eating.
Frasier: Maybe he doesn't like what you're eating.
Martin Crane: Trust me, he's not picky. I saw him eat a beetle.

Niles: When you think about it, our only mistake today was trying to fix that toilet ourselves.
Frasier: Yes, we tampered with the natural order of things.
Niles: But now, order has been restored. By hiring a plumber, that plumber can now afford, say, a Dolly Parton album. Miss Parton can then finance a national tour which will, of course, come to Seattle, allowing some local promoter to make enough money to send his cross-dressing teenaged son to us for $150- an-hour therapy.
Frasier: [raises his glass] To the circle of life.

[mopping up the bathroom after Frasier and Niles's failed attempt to fix the toilet]
Daphne Moon: What a lovely way to spend an afternoon.
Frasier: Well Daphne, we're not plumbers, we're psychiatrists.
Daphne Moon: Yeah, well there are some heads you shouldn't tamper with.

Niles: I'd recognize him anywhere. He bullied me throughout my entire childhood!
Frasier: He certainly didn't recognize you just now.
Niles: Well, perhaps that was because he wasn't sticking my head down a toilet and FLUSHING IT! That was his trademark. He called it... a swirly.

Frasier: You know the expression, "Living well is the best revenge"?
Niles: It's a wonderful expression. I just don't know how true it is. You don't see it turning up in a lot of opera plots. "Ludwig, maddened by the poisoning of his entire family, wreaks vengeance on Gunther in the third act by living well."
Frasier: All right, Niles.
Niles: "Whereupon Woton, upon discovering his deception, wreaks vengeance on Gunther in the third act again by living even better than the Duke."
Frasier: Oh, all right!

Billy Kriezel: He's yelling at us something about "repressed tendencies," so we stuffed a fire extinguisher down his pants! We called it...
[thinks]
Frasier: A jet pack!
Billy Kriezel: [howling with laughter] That's it! Man, you remember them all.

[last lines]
Martin Crane: [flushing toilet] Well, there she goes. Good as new.
Frasier: Thanks, Dad. Can I buy you a beer?
Martin Crane: Oh yeah, sounds good. Come on, Eddie.
[as they leave, Eddie starts drinking out of the toilet]
Martin Crane: Oh, for God's sake Eddie, don't drink out of the toilet. Some guy just had his head in there!
[He and Frasier laugh]

Daphne Moon: Eddie, let's go for another walk!
Martin Crane: I thought you already walked him this morning?
Daphne Moon: I did, twice.
Martin Crane: He's gotta go again?
Daphne Moon: No, actually I do!
[Martin and Frasier look askance]
Daphne Moon: That didn't sound right. There's a very nice-looking gentleman who plays frisbee in the park with his Labrador. Eddie and I are hoping to run into them again. Come on, Eddie!
[she tugs on his leash, Eddie doesn't move]
Daphne Moon: He's just playing hard to get.
Frasier: I'm glad somebody is.

[Niles paces back and forth on Frasier's balcony, swatting Frasier's ficus plant every time he passes it]
Daphne Moon: What's Dr. Crane doing?
Frasier: He's a little frustrated because I wouldn't let him do something. He's taking his anger out on my ficus.
Daphne Moon: I've never seen him so angry, he's like a madman.
[Niles starts waving his arms around like a madman. Frasier lets him in]
Niles: Good Lord! There's a bee out there the size of a wood finch!

Frasier: Niles, I have to be honest. I'm a little disappointed in you. Were you actually going to stick another human being's head into a toilet?
Niles: [trying to open a bottle of water] You don't seem to understand, I feel this *rage*! It's as if this *beast* has been awakened within me!
[hands the bottle to Frasier]
Niles: Could you get that for me?

Frasier: I can't go in there and talk to him. If the coward turns his back on me, I'll attack him again.
Niles: No, you won't. You're not a child anymore.
[taking Niles by the hand]
Niles: Now come with me, I'm taking you to the bathroom!


"Frasier: She's the Boss (#3.1)" (1995)
Frasier: We're back, Seattle. And in accordance with new station policy, we're going to be pandering to the lowest human instinct. In other words: "Who wants to talk about sex?" Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex.

Frasier: [Eddie is barking at the dog upstairs] Oh, for God's sake, I am trying to get some sleep! I asked you to keep that dog quiet, and instead you outfit him with a megaphone! In the last thirty-six hours I haven't had so much as a nap, and I've got to be back at the station by 2 A.M.
[stares at Eddie]
Frasier: Eddie, listen carefully. By the time this day is up, one of us is going to sleep.
[Eddie ducks his head]
Daphne Moon: Oh, don't worry, Dr. Crane, I'll take Eddie for a walk. And as far as your problem at work goes, if you want my opinion...
Frasier: DON'T! I've had my share of women's opinions for the week, between the station's new Reich Chancellor and Roz's incessant whining! As far as I'm concerned, your entire sex can put a sock in it!
[stomps off to his room]
Martin Crane: Boy, you'd never let me get away with a comment like that.
Daphne Moon: [gets up and goes to the door] Oh, even the best of us can get a bit cranky when we're overtired. All Dr. Crane needs right now is a little peace and quiet. Eddie?
[she sticks two fingers in her mouth and blasts a shrill whistle]
Frasier: [from his room] Damn it!

Kate Costas: Dr. Frasier Crane! Kate Costas.
Frasier: Kate, what a pleasure!
Kate Costas: Likewise. I've been listening to the tapes of all your shows. I love what you're doing!
Frasier: Really? Well, thank you very much! I like to think of my show as a haven for the tempest-tossed in the maelstrom of everyday life.
Kate Costas: Wow. You really talk that way.

Frasier: [Frasier and Roz have been exiled to the wee hours] Really stunk up the airwaves with that one, didn't we?
Roz: Frasier, I want you to flash forward to tonight. It's sometime after midnight. Dennis Abbott and I have just had a glorious meal at Le Ralee. Dennis has just asked me back to his penthouse apartment to see his priceless collection of silk sheets. And I lean forward and whisper, "I can't. I have to go to work in an hour." What is wrong with this picture?
Frasier: Well, for starters, you at Le Ralee. It's a two-week wait.
Roz: So is Dennis Abbott! Frasier, we have got to get our old time slot back!
Frasier: Don't worry, Roz, we will she just moved us to break our spirit.
Roz: Well, she can saddle me up and ride me around the room! I can't do this again!
[They leave the booth. Kate is waiting in the hallway]
Kate Costas: Good morning!
Frasier: Hello.
Kate Costas: Enjoying your new time slot?
Frasier: As a matter of fact, I found it invigorating! Didn't you, Roz? Remember that woman who called in, uh, you know, with the delusions of grandeur? Couldn't understand why nobody liked her.
Kate Costas: Well, I hope you explained to her that it's not important that people like her, as long as they respect her.
Frasier: Oh yes, respect is important. So is self-respect.
Kate Costas: Oh, yes, yes, but some people - and this is so unfortunate - can't tell the difference between self-respect and pig-headedness.
Frasier: Yes, but those people are usually rigid little demagogues who don't know the difference between the kind of respect that is earned and the kind of respect that is irrespective... of what others expect.
Kate Costas: Isn't it sad when bad things happen to good sentences?
Frasier: I think I made myself clear.
Kate Costas: Well, I really do have work to do. I've got to find somebody for your old time slot - now that it's free!
Frasier: Good luck!
[Kate leaves]
Roz: Nice going, Frasier; now she's never gonna give in.
Frasier: Steady, Roz. She may have been able to intimidate people in other situations, but here at KACL she'll find that we are NOT a bunch of spineless twits!
[Bulldog sticks his head out of a door]
Bob 'Bulldog' Briscoe: [Whispering] Hey, is she gone?

Frasier: Hello, Line Two, you're on with Dr. Frasier Crane.
Mark: Uh, hey, Dr. Crane. It's Mark.
Frasier: Hello, Mark. I'm listening.
Mark: Oka. Uh, well, I work at this all-night mini-mart, and, um, I've been watching myself on the video camera, and the camera-me is doing things I don't approve of.

Roz: You hear that whooshing sound? It's my career going down the toilet.
Frasier: Oh God, Roz, I don't think I've helped a single person tonight.
Roz: Helped? You'll be lucky if you don't get sued! You told a longshoreman to come out of the closet, and a gay guy to spend more time on the docks!
Frasier: Well, you're the one who's supposed to keep track of who's on what line!
Roz: Okay, let me make it easy for you: freaks! Freaks on Line One! Freaks on Line Two! Freaks everywhere!

Frasier: [listening to a tape of the previous night's broadcast in Kate's office] While Kitty laces up her leather bustier, this is Dr. Frasier Crane, KACL. All talk! All night! All naked!

Frasier: You know, one of these days, you are going to misquote someone, and I'm going land on you like a sumo wrestler.

[after Martin brings Eddie in from a fight with another dog, Frasier enters the living room]
Frasier: What's all this?
Daphne Moon: Eddie was viciously attacked.
Frasier: Oh. Is that coffee cake I smell?

Dr. Niles Crane: Hello, Fraiser, dad, Daphne. I can't stay. I just wanted to ask a favor. Dad, can I borrow your gun?
Martin Crane: Maris taking singing lessons again?
Dr. Niles Crane: No. Our home security system is down for repairs, and no electric gates. I'll just feel safer if I'm packing heat.
Frasier: Oh, for heaven's sake, Niles. You don't even know how to pack a lunch.
Dr. Niles Crane: Dad, please. Maris is a wreck ever since she found out our entire neighborhood watch is wintering in Palm Beach.
Martin Crane: Forget it. You don't know the first thing about guns.
Dr. Niles Crane: I do so. I promise I'll open the spinny thing and check for bullets before I shoot anybody.

Martin Crane: You bought a starter's pistol?
Dr. Niles Crane: Yes. You see, as long as Maris thinks it's real, it makes her feel secure, but this way no one can get hurt.
[Niles accidentally fires the pistol and jumps on Frasier's couch in fright]
Frasier: [running in from his bedroom] What the hell was that? Was that a gunshot?
Dr. Niles Crane: [casually] Morning, Frasier. Just getting up?
Frasier: Just getting up? Are you out of your mind? A gun just went off in here!
Martin Crane: [trying to placate Frasier] Niles bought a starter's pistol.
Dr. Niles Crane: And there's no need to get snippy. Accidents happen, you know.
Frasier: Oh, I'm sorry, was I snippy? I didn't realize it was too much to ask that there not be gunplay in my living room!

Daphne Moon: What are you doing up so early?
Frasier: Oh, the new station manager's taking over today. She wanted to meet with all of us.
Martin Crane: 'She'? Oh, working for a woman, huh?
Frasier: Yes. Why?
Martin Crane: Well, it's tough on guys, taking orders from a woman. We resent it.
Frasier: That's absurd. If I had trouble taking orders from a woman, Frederick would never have been conceived.


"Frasier: Frasier Grinch (#3.9)" (1995)
Dr. Frasier Crane: Hi, we're back. As most of my faithful listeners know, every year I compose a parable that I hope will illuminate the spirit of the Christmas season. So without any further ado, I give you "The Story of Olaf, the lonely little goatherd."
[He plays a tape of barnyard noises. Bulldog and Gil sneak in via Roz's booth]
Dr. Frasier Crane: [reading] "Once upon a time, there lived a lonely little goatherd. He had no family, and no playthings, so to amuse himself, one day he carved a little wooden flute..."'
[Bulldog and Gil drape him in tinsel and lights]
Dr. Frasier Crane: [ignoring them] "A flute that he used to play during the long, lonely evenings. And the tune it made was very lovely, and all the people in the village below could hear the pure, glorious sound..."
[mutes the microphone]
Dr. Frasier Crane: This is all very amusing, but nothing you can do is going to distract me!
[Bulldog plugs in the lights, and he and Gil laugh]
Dr. Frasier Crane: [keeps reading] "One day, the son of a wealthy merchant heard the music, and while that boy had all the toys in the world, he was jealous of this little goatherd's flute."
[Bulldog tries to burn Frasier's script with a cigarette lighter]
Dr. Frasier Crane: "So, one dark-"
[blows out Bulldog's lighter]
Dr. Frasier Crane: "-night, one dark-"
[blows it out again]
Dr. Frasier Crane: -windy night, The merchant's son stole his precious instrument, but when he took that flute home, he couldn't make it play. So he smashed the flute to bits."
[Bulldog and Gil return with Candy, a stripper disguised under a Santa costume]
Dr. Frasier Crane: "When the little goatherd came down the mountain the next day, and saw his flute was broken..."
[Candy whips off her belt and jacket to reveal a fur-lined bra]
Dr. Frasier Crane: YIKES!..."He might have said that, but instead he forgave the merchant's son. And the wealthy merchant adopted the little goatherd, and..."
[Candy rips off her pants, revealing a garter belt and lacy underwear]
Dr. Frasier Crane: OH, MAMA!..."he said, upon meeting the merchant's wife, and somewhere along the way, he learned the true meaning of Christmas." This is Dr. Frasier Crane, wishing you a truly blessed and forgiving holiday.
[off the air]
Dr. Frasier Crane: There now, you see? Nice try. Miss Kane's delightful performance aside, this just proves the power of my message cannot be stayed... for God's sakes, what am I, a robot?
[He grabs Candy and kisses her passionately]
Dr. Frasier Crane: And to all a good night.

Frasier: [opens a package] Dad, I'm sorry, if Frederick's anything like me, the kind of toys he'll like to play with are...
[looks in the box]
Frasier: A kitchen set, a dollhouse and three kinds of Barbies! This is for a Franklin Crane from Kenibunkport. God, you realize what this means?
Niles: [deadpan] Yes. The Cranes of Maine have got your Living Brain.

Niles: Well, how about that woman near the cosmetics counter who tried to mace me?
Frasier: That was a cologne sample, Niles!

Niles: [on Maris] I called this morning to arrange the delivery of her Christmas gift, and she said the only gift she'd accept from me was an abject apology.
Frasier: Going to cave into her, aren't you?
Niles: Au contraire. I told her I was not about to apologise, and from that point on, the respect in her voice came through loud and clear. No small feat, considering at the time she was speaking at the time through the hole in her massage table.

Waitress: I'm sorry sir, your card didn't clear. I have to do this.
[cuts up Niles's credit card]
Niles: Wait, wait! What are you doing?
Waitress: The computer said "credit cancelled by order of co-signatory."
Frasier: Maris has cancelled your credit card.
Roz Doyle: Whoa, Merry Christmas!
Waitress: Would you care to use a different one?
Niles: There's no point, they're all in her name.
[dials his cell phone]
Niles: I'm calling her right now and demanding the restoration of my credit card, and my bank accounts...
[realizes the phone is dead]
Niles: And my phone service!

Frasier: Oh, listen Roz. I know you've got a plane to catch and the traffic to the airport is probably very bad, so in the spirit of the Christmas season, why don't you just take off early, hmm?
Roz Doyle: You're going to read one of your inspirational Christmas fables again, aren't you?
Frasier: Yes, I am. Be a lot easier without you sitting over there sticking your finger in your throat.

Frasier: [seeing Martin's Christmas decorations] Oh, God... it's my childhood Christmases all over again. Only now Mom isn't here to say, "Shut up, you'll hurt his feelings."

[Martin's robot santa says "Ho Ho Ho!"]
Martin Crane: It works when you step on the mat.
[It says "Ho Ho Ho!" again]
Martin Crane: It can say "Ho, Ho, Ho", "Merry Christmas", or "Happy Holidays."
Frasier: Yeah, well I hope it can say "Geronimo" because I'm going to throw him off the balcony!

Frasier: So, Niles, did you have a discussion with Maris?
Niles: No, but I had an epiphany! I realised, cutting off my funds is Maris's way of saying, "I love you!"
[Frasier just stares at him]
Niles: She always uses money to get what she wants; ergo, this is proof she wants *me* back! What do you think?
[the robot Santa says "Ho Ho Ho!"]
Frasier: I think Santa's said it all for us.

Martin Crane: [pulls out more Christmas decorations] Santa's legs for the chimney! You remember these babies?
Frasier: Oh, yes. Inspired some spectacular Christmas nightmares the year I found them under your bed.

Martin Crane: [about the decorations] Well, I don't care what you think; it's not for you, it's for Frederick.
Dr. Frasier Crane: God, I suppose you're right, Dad. I used to love this stuff when I was six; by the time I was seven, I started to have questions; when I was eight, I started spending a lot more time at the Bernsteins'.

Dr. Frasier Crane: [in a toy store, buying toys for Frederick] First, The Living Brain.
Little boy in toy store: Living brain? What kind of dork wants that?
Dr. Frasier Crane: With any luck, the kind of dork who will be operating on your prostate someday!


"Frasier: Mixed Doubles (#4.6)" (1996)
Martin: What are the Sonics thinking last night? If you're two for fifteen from behind the arc, why do you still give it to your two-guard instead of jamming it down to your big man in the paint?
[pause]
Frasier: Eddie, I believe that question was directed at you.
Martin: [rolls his eyes] You know, if you took an interest in sports, I bet you'd end up enjoying it. It's got drama, it's got graceful stuff...
Frasier: Thank you, Dad, but frankly I'm quite satisfied with the likes of Pavorotti's "Pagliacci." You have your big man in the paint, I have mine.

Niles: Look, I know I don't have your total support in this, but... how shall I put this?
Frasier: You don't care?
Niles: If you could work the phrase "rat's ass" into there, you'd have it.

Frasier: Niles, before you do something rash, you should consider it from all angles.
Niles: I've spent three years considering Daphne from all angles.

Frasier: [answering the phone] Hello? Oh, just a second, please. Dad, is Daphne in her room?
Martin: Gee, I don't know.
[yelling]
Martin: DAPHNE! HEY, DAPH! DAPHNE!
Frasier: For God's sake, I can yell!
[into phone]
Frasier: Would you hold, please?
Martin: I've been waiting thirty years to do that.

Daphne: Last night, Roz insisted on taking me to this bar she calls "The Sure Thing."
Frasier: How flattering: They've named a bar after her.

Niles: She's fabulous. I know it's only been three dates, but I feel as though I've been rescued. I no longer have to worry about becoming one of those pitiful losers, embittered by a failed marriage, leading a lonely, pathetic life of...
[Frasier glares at Niles]
Niles: ...fulfillment and good times!
Frasier: Shouldn't you make a beeping noise when you back up like that?

Roz Doyle: Now, Daphne. If the jewellery wasn't that good, and the sex wasn't that good, what have you really lost, here?
Frasier: Roz wades in with the Gabor approach to psychiatry.

Niles: [in Cafe Nervosa, seeing Rodney enter with Adelle] The betrayal! Nobody treats Daphne that way!
Frasier: Niles, be careful. Whatever you do, don't engage him in a physical fight. The whole thing would just look too weird!

Daphne: Isn't Rodney just great? You know, I think it was the moment I broke up with Joe that I heard a voice saying, "Daphne, it's time you went for a completely new type of man."
Niles: [Daphne leaves. Niles grabs a spatula] You're a dead man!
[lunges at Frasier and is blocked by Martin]
Frasier: Let's serve our guests their coffee!
[Frasier and Martin carry cups of coffee out to the living room]
Frasier: Here we are, coffee. Milk's on its way; Niles is still steaming.

Niles: The fact is, I'm tired of being lonely, and it makes no sense going on being lonely, when the woman I long for is unattached.
Frasier: Yes. Well, as I said to you the time you tried to jump out of the treehouse with an umbrella: "I suppose you know what you're doing."

Frasier: You do have a wonderful new woman in your life now, don't you?
Niles: Yes, I suppose I do.
Frasier: And Adelle does make you very happy, doesn't she?
Niles: Yes. Yes, she does.
Frasier: Well, then, if you've ever taken any of my advice before, take this: Adelle could very well be the path to your happiness.
[sees Adelle and Rodney kissing behind Niles' back]
Frasier: But let's just say I'm wrong.

[Niles and Adelle drop by to pick up their opera tickets]
Frasier: Say, have you got time for a coffee before you go?
Adelle Childs: That'd be nice.
Frasier: Splendid! It'll give me a chance to debut my Limoges coffee set. Each cup bears a portrait of a different wife of Henry VIII. My antiques scout just found an Anne of Cleves to complete the set!
Martin: He loves to rub it in. I'm still looking for a Wilma to complete my juice glass set.


"Frasier: The Kid (#5.4)" (1997)
Frasier: Roz, I'm going to tell you something that I didn't learn until I became a father. You don't just love your children. You fall in love with them.

Frasier: Morning, Roz!
Roz: Frasier? What are you doing here?
Frasier: Oh, I realize it must be a shock to see me here in this place I come to every day of my life.

Frasier: Hey, Dad, what are you doing here?
Martin Crane: Oh, Sherry took her sister to that store across the street to buy some foundation garments.
Frasier: I think they call them "bras" now.
Martin Crane: Not these, you don't. You could cross the River Kwai on one of those babies.

[Martin emerges from the men's room at Cafe Nervosa]
Martin Crane: Boy, I can't stand these yuppie joints. Some bozo went through the bathroom, correcting all the grammar in the graffiti with a red pen.
Frasier: Yes, I noticed.
Martin Crane: I mean, who'd have that much time on his hands?
Frasier: Unbelievable!
Martin Crane: It was Niles, wasn't it?
Frasier: I'll talk to him again.

Bob 'Bull Dog' Briscoe: So, Roz, who's the proud papa? You got it narrowed down yet?
[laughs]
Roz: That's nice, very nice. Frasier, will you excuse us?
Frasier: Yes, of course. Just remember the baby's future, Roz. Try to make it look like an accident.
[Frasier leaves]
Bob 'Bull Dog' Briscoe: Look, I was just kidding. I'm sure you probably know who the dad is.
Roz: Well, that's what I wanted to talk to you about. Do you remember Janet's party a couple months ago? You got really drunk and I drove you home?
Bob 'Bull Dog' Briscoe: Yeah... what about it?
Roz: Well, you invited me up, and I guess I'd had a few myself, because the next thing I knew...
Bob 'Bull Dog' Briscoe: [terrified] No, whoa - I don't believe this. I don't even remember us...
Roz: Now calm down, Bulldog.
Bob 'Bull Dog' Briscoe: No, come on, please, just tell me you're joking!
Roz: Look, we don't have to get married right away...
Bob 'Bull Dog' Briscoe: Oh, man! Oh, man!
[he paces, chewing his knuckles; she caresses his back]
Roz: I thought you'd be happy about this. I mean, we were wonderful together. When you made love to me, you were so tender and caring...
Bob 'Bull Dog' Briscoe: Hey, whoa! Ha, ha! "Tender and caring?" No way was that me! Yeah, you almost had me! Good one, Roz!

Frasier: You get to share your life with a remarkable little creature... who only lives in the present, runs around naked without the slightest bit of shame, and can entertain himself for hours just staring at a shiny object. Isn't that wonderful?
Roz: Isn't that Bulldog?

Frasier: Talk to me.
Roz: I don't even know where to start. Everything in my life is about to change. My body, my love life...
Frasier: Yes. But it's also going to change in fantastic ways. I remember the first night I brought Frederick home from the hospital. You put this tiny thing into a tiny little bed and you look around and realize that the entire house has changed.

Roz: When you were a junior in college, if a woman came to you and told you she was carrying your child, wouldn't you have been devastated?
Frasier: In my case, I would have been mystified.

Rick: Hey, Roz! How you doing?
Roz: Fine, thanks.
Rick: Well, what can I get you?
Roz: Uh, I'll have a decaf.
Rick: Be right back.
[Rick goes to the counter]
Frasier: He's a nice kid, Rick.
Roz: Yes, he is.
Frasier: Working here to put himself through school, right?
Roz: Yes, he is.
Frasier: He's the father, isn't he?
Roz: Yes, he is.

Roz: [breaking down crying after finding out her milk expired] Don't you get it? Milk's a staple! I let a staple go bad! Mothers don't let staples go bad! How can I take care of a baby when I can't even keep fresh milk in the house? Kids NEED milk!
Frasier: Roz, if it helps, babies don't even drink milk for the first year.
Roz: You see? I didn't even know that!
Frasier: Well I didn't find out either until after I was a father.
Roz: Don't you get it? I have to know EVERYTHING! You can know HALF of everything. You can know about the milk and Lilith can know about the booties and the snugglies.
Frasier: You never met Lilith, did you?

Roz: [thinking Rick's knocking at the door] I said go away!
Frasier: BUT-I-JUST-GOT-HERE!


"Frasier: Our Father Whose Art Ain't Heaven (#4.8)" (1996)
Frasier: [to Niles] Thank God for the starch in that shirt or there'd be nothing holding you upright!

Niles: [about Maris] She's already flown in a sculpter from Sweden to capture her likeness in ice.
Frasier: Ah, the perfect marriage of subject and medium!

Niles: Thanks to Maris, I'm down to three confirmed guests.
Frasier: Three? Yesterday it was twelve.
Niles: She's circulating a vicious rumour that I'm going to have a karaoke machine.

Martin: Hey, wait a minute. You didn't think I was going to give you my badge, did you? You'll have to pry that out of my cold, dead hands.
Frasier: It's a date.

Niles: Frasier, I no longer require your punch bowl, but may I borrow your blow dryer?
Frasier: Yes, why?
Niles: Sven just finished Maris' ice sculpture, and she's convinced she looks a bit "hippy."

Frasier: Honestly, Niles, by calling her so many times you've given her all the power. You're much better off coming from a position of strength.
Niles: Don't pour that sherry on your shirt - it will stain.
Frasier: What?
Niles: Oh, I'm sorry. I thought this was the portion of the afternoon where we gave each other patently obvious advice.

Frasier: You know, Niles, for a separated couple still hoping to reconcile, I'm afraid you're going down a path that ...
Niles: You shouldn't wear that tie with that jacket!
Frasier: Oh, I see. Is that your clever way of telling me that I'm dispensing unwanted criticism?
Niles: That, too.

Niles: You know that party I'm throwing for my country club friends?
Frasier: Oh, yes: the one I wasn't invited to, but my Waterford punch bowl was.

Niles: [on the telephone] Oh, how dreadful.... You poor thing!... No, of course I understand. The important thing is that you get better. You are a dear for calling...
[hangs up]
Niles: ... you lying, two-faced cow!
Frasier: So, she's not really sick?
Niles: Oh, hardly. Maris is luring away all my confirmed guests. Suddenly, there are accidents, deaths in the family - a wave of misfortune is sweeping through society's blue bloods at a rate unprecedented since the French Revolution!

Frasier: Do you remember a time when I was... oh, six or seven years old, and you were getting ready for work, and you were getting dressed. I was playing with your badge, and you sat me down, and you said that it was not a toy, that it was a symbol of something very important - of integrity, and honesty, and helping people... Well, from then on, every time I'd see you put on that badge, I would, uh, I would think of that.
Martin: I just said it so you'd stop playing with the damn thing. You were getting it all sticky.
Frasier: Yeah, well, be that as it may... I've tried to live up to your example, and help other people. I've tried, as a psychiatrist, to conduct myself with the same integrity that you showed as a police officer. And, when I find myself in a quandary as to the proper course of action, I think of you wearing that badge, and then I know what I have to do. You gave me that.


"Frasier: High Crane Drifter (#3.17)" (1996)
[Frasier's upstairs neighbor is playing his own loud rock music]
Frasier: How does an arrested adolescent who barely knows two chords get a penthouse?
Daphne: His last album sold five million copies.
Frasier: I'll just add that to my list of reasons to die.

Frasier: Somebody parked in my space again and I had to park six blocks from here and sprint the whole way. By the end my tweed pants were giving off so many sparks I almost caught myself on fire.

Frasier: Go ahead, Daphne. Make my eggs.

[after Niles's fall]
Frasier: Oh, Niles. Niles, I'm here for you. I promise we're going to get you the best care that THIS MAN'S MONEY CAN BUY!

Frasier: [about Niles's fall in the Cafe Nervosa] My god, Niles, that was brilliant! You even got a tear in your eye!
Dr. Niles Crane: I landed on a fork.

Daphne: [to Frasier] I want you to know that your assertiveness inspired me. For weeks now, some louse has been removing my wet clothes from the washer and leaving them on the table in a soggy mess. This morning, I decided to get my revenge. So I took off my new red panties and I popped them in with his whites.
Dr. Niles Crane: Bravo, Daphne. Good for you. God, I wish I'd been there.
Frasier: Daphne, don't you think you were overreacting just a bit?
Daphne: Absolutely not. Those were my panties and I wasn't afraid to use them!
[Niles bites down on his fist]

Frasier: Look, Dad, would you mind terribly if I used the TV tonight? I went to three video stores to get this tape. I'm just dying to see it.
Martin Crane: [who's been watching a "funniest home videos" show] Sure, go ahead. How many times can you watch a dog get hit with a swinging door?
Frasier: [eyeing Eddie] Depends on the dog.

[while Frasier's upstairs neighbor is playing loud rock music]
Martin Crane: I'm gonna take a nap.
Frasier: Dad, you can't possibly expect to sleep in this racket.
Martin Crane: Are you kidding? I've slept through worse than this. In Korea I dropped off in a foxhole right outside P'Anmunjom. By the time I woke up the cease-fire was over and I was the only one who didn't know about it. Talk about having egg on your face.

Frasier: People of Seattle! Listen to me! We are not barbarians! We are not Neanderthals and we are NOT FRENCH!

[Frasier is being saluted as a hero]
Dr. Niles Crane: [sulkily] No one's ever given me the thumbs-up.
Frasier: Well, Niles, I've driven on the freeway with you. The rest of the hand has been well-represented.


"Frasier: Dinner at Eight (#1.3)" (1993)
Niles: Dad's so set in his ways.
Frasier: Well, we all are, at some point in our lives. Remember when you used to think the 1812 Overture was a great piece of classical music?
Niles: Was I ever that young?

Martin: I wouldn't like it.
Frasier: Oh Dad, how do you know if you don't try it?
Martin: Well I didn't have to get shot in the hip with a .38 to know I wouldn't like that.

Daphne: Well! Aren't you a bobby dazzler!
Frasier: Well, I'll go out on a limb and take that as a compliment.

Frasier: [about Daphne] She's psychic. We've decided to find it charming.

Waitress: Hi, can I get you guys something from the bar?
Frasier: Oh dear God, yes.
Niles: I'll have a Stoli Gibson on the rocks, with three pearl onions.
Frasier: If you bring him two - if you bring him four - he'll send it back.
Waitress: And for you?
Frasier: The same.

Waitress: And now if you're ready, you can claim your steaks.
Niles: Claim our steaks?
Martin: You get to pick the cut you want off the beef trolley!
Frasier: How much extra would I have to pay to get one from the refrigerator?

Martin: Sometimes there's nothing like a good steak.
Frasier: I wish this was one of those times.

Frasier: [as Martin is leaving restaurant in disgust after Frasier's and Niles's insulting remarks] Niles! Say something!
Niles: Dad! The mud pies are coming!

Frasier: I just don't think it's very smart to make rude gestures at other drivers.
Martin: He cut you off!
Frasier: That doesn't matter. You do not antagonize a man whose bumper sticker says "If you're close enough to read this I'll kill you."


"Frasier: A Mid-Winter Night's Dream (#1.17)" (1994)
Frasier: [Niles and Daphne are alone in his house] My God, it's a recipe for disaster! You've got a vulnerable woman and an unstable man in a gothic mansion on a rainy night! The only thing missing is someone shouting "Heathcliff!" across the moors!

Frasier: Oh hi, Roz, how are you?
Roz Doyle: Do you really want to know how I am, or are you just making conversation? Because if you really want to know how I am, I'll tell you.
Frasier: Well, I was just making conversation.

Frasier: Actually, Roz, there's some advice I need.
Roz Doyle: [moody] About what?
Frasier: A subject in which you're quite well-versed, sex.
Roz Doyle: [brightly] How can I help you?

Frasier: What do you do when the romance goes out of a relationship?
Roz Doyle: I get dressed and go home.

Roz Doyle: My point is, that women need to see the men they make love to as exciting, romantic figures. So I say, if you want to keep this woman interested, try creating a fantasy for an evening. Personally, I think you'd make a very sexy gladiator.
Frasier: Roz, this is not for me, this is for my brother, Niles.
Roz Doyle: Oh! Well, in that case, make it a gladiola.

Niles: The truth is, Maris and I are in a bit of a rut. We seem to have lapsed into this grey, numbing blandness.
Frasier: Well, that's perfectly normal in a relationship of some years. Maybe you should try spicing things up a bit?
Niles: You mean, boudoir wise?
Frasier: For starters, yeah.
Niles: Like how?
Frasier: Well, the two of you could... well, you could... well, it's you and Maris, so you could... I'm stumped.

Niles: Just remember that she can't have shellfish... poultry, red meat, staturated fats, nitrates, wheat, starch, sulfates, MSG or herring. Did I say nuts?
Frasier: Oh, I think that's implied.

[Niles shows up at Frasier's house wearing a pirate costume, saying that Maris has kicked him out]
Niles: There's a perfectly reasonably explanation for the way I'm dressed.
Frasier: All right, just keep in mind that I reserve the right to say "stop" at any time.
Niles: Well, my plan was to leave a treasure map downstairs for Maris with clues that would lead her to my whereabouts. Then I'd hide in the linen closet and wait for her to find me.
Martin: Dressed like that?
Niles: Actually no, at the time I was wearing only my eye-patch. Although, technically is it still an eye-patch if you're wearing it on your-?
Frasier: STOP!

[Frasier's phone rings, and the answering machine picks up]
Frasier: Hello, this is Dr. Frasier Crane. I'm listening.
[beep]
Niles: Frasier... Frasier? I'm having a little crisis here. Actually a large crisis. It's no time to screen calls... Damn!
[hangs up]


"Frasier: Mother Load: Part 1 (#9.12)" (2002)
Dr. Frasier Crane: You should have been at the condo-board meeting, Dad. You missed all the excitement.
Martin Crane: Don't tell me: People argued about some dumb building policy and then you all had cookies.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Not this time. I gave the greatest speech of my condo-board career, which led to a vote, which led to the ruling that Cam Winston must now park that SUV monstrosity of his in the subbasement.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Then, we had cookies.

Dr. Frasier Crane: Dad, I am an orator. It is not only that which is said, but the passion with which it is said.
Martin Crane: You're saying it now and it just sounds like a lot of hooey.
Dr. Frasier Crane: That's because I'm not orating right now.

Cam Winston: Listen, Crane: You may have bamboozled the condo board, but we both know you just want more room to swing your fat ass into that BMW.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Cam, if there is any benefit to me, it is the cleaner air which we will all now breathe.
Cam Winston: Oh, get off your high horse. You do your share of polluting with that substitute for masculinity you're driving.
Dr. Frasier Crane: If mine's a substitute for masculinity, then what is yours?
Cam Winston: Bigger!

Martin Crane: You think that's smart, ticking off the guy that lives right above us?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Dad, we are protected by this building's constitution. Believe me, I will have Cam cited for a noise violation if he so much as drops a hint.

[the phone rings and Daphne answers]
Daphne: Hello?... Oh, Mum.... Yeah, I'm sorry; I've been meaning to call, but Dr. Crane yells at me whenever I phone long distance.
Dr. Frasier Crane: I do not!
Martin Crane: Let her say whatever she needs to.
Daphne: Yeah, and poor old Mr. Crane is so feeble, he can't even make it to the loo by himself.
Martin Crane: Hey!

[discussing Daphne and Niles' moving in together]
Martin Crane: Well, I guess from now on it's just you and I.
Dr. Frasier Crane: "You and me," Dad.
Martin Crane: This is gonna be great.

Dr. Frasier Crane: Niles, will you relax? You always make a good first impression.
Niles: Second impression - the first impression, I made when I kidnapped their daughter from her wedding.

Niles: In the last five days, that woman has made my life a living hell.
Dr. Frasier Crane: You wanna trade? Simon put my sixty-five-dollar apricot skin polish on his muffins!

Simon Moon: Don't cry, mum. I really though this junket to America would cheer you up.
Niles: It still can. Go away.
[Daphne gives Niles a weird look]
Niles: I mean... Get out there, and see the country.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes, that is a splendid idea. This land is rich with snow covered mountains, sun kissed beaches... wild, untamed rivers and a-a warm, loving people ready to embrace you. Immerse yourself in the spectacle and the grandeur that are these United States, this... America.
[an American flag unfurls outside Frasier's window]
Niles: How did you do that?
Dr. Frasier Crane: [Frasier fumes silently and runs to the door] Cam Winston!


"Frasier: The Crucible (#1.6)" (1993)
Frasier: God, I hate lawyers.
Niles: Me too. But they make wonderful patients: they have excellent health insurance and they never get better.

Martin: For God's sake, Frasier, you're forty-one years old - it's time you learned something. The system ain't perfect - sometimes the bad guy wins. And all those things you thought would be around to help you, the courts and the police department - well, sometimes, they're just not there when you need them, so you can let it eat a hole in your stomach or you can just file it away under the heading "Sometimes life sucks."
Frasier: Yeah, well, that file's getting pretty thick!

Frasier: By the way, where's Maris? I haven't seen her all night.
Niles: She's on your bed.
Frasier: My bed?
Niles: Yes, she's asleep under the guests' coats. She exhausts easily under the pressure to be interesting.

[Niles and Daphne emerge from Frasier's bedroom, both are disheveled and appear to be straightening their clothes]
Frasier: What were you two doing back there?
Niles: Maris lost her earring at the party last night. Daphne was good enough to crawl under the bed to look for it while I...
Frasier: Yeeeess?
Niles: Searched the credenza!

Frasier: Niles, what is the name of that really vicious lawyer that you use?
Niles: Which one, the one I used to sue the contractor or the one I used to sue the personal trainer?
Frasier: Well, the meanest.
Niles: Uh, that would be the second one. I used him to sue the first one.

Frasier: Damn it, Niles, where is the justice? Where am I supposed to turn to? I'm a, a beloved household personality and I've been screwed!

[Frasier prepares to toss a brick through the wall of a dishonest gallery owner, but Niles stops him]
Niles: Frasier, just give me the brick and no one will get hurt.
Frasier: Why don't you just go away? This is no concern of yours.
Niles: Yes, it is.
Frasier: How?
Niles: Remember that day in junior high school when somebody took all my clothes while I was in the shower, right after gym class? They hung them from the goalpost on the football field. I had no choice but to get a ladder and climb up there wearing nothing but a towel, wet and shivering. Then the towel fell off! There I was, your little brother, hanging naked from a goal post, and everyone was standing around laughing, and all Coach Medwick would do was stand there going...
[makes the arm signal for "field goal!"]
Niles: Whatever that means!

Frasier: Niles, why are you telling me this?
Niles: Because... I was so humiliated, I went home, I cried my eyes out, I swore I would get even. I was just about to put sugar into Coach Medwick's gas tank... and you stopped me. Remember what you said? "If you act like a barbarian, you will become a barbarian."
Frasier: I said that?
Niles: Yes. Well, actually you were more verbose at the time. I had to listen, you were sitting on my chest.

Frasier: Well, Niles, if you were strong enough to show restraint after so much humiliation, not to mention the nicknames.
Niles: Nicknames... there were nicknames?
Frasier: Oh, you didn't know that? Oh dear God, yes. Uh, "Peachfuzz,"..."Jingle Bells"... I can't remember the rest.
Niles: "Peachfuzz"?
Frasier: Yes, I believe Coach Medwick made that one up himself.
[hands Niles the brick]
Frasier: Well, anyway, here you are. I won't be needing this anymore.
Niles: I'm proud of you.
[Frasier heads towards the car, but Niles cocks his arm and hurls the brick through the gallery window, shattering it with a loud crash. As the alarm sounds, Niles throws his arms up in another "field goal!" signal]
Frasier: My God, Niles! What are you, what have you done?
Niles: I've struck a blow for justice! Nobody calls me "Peachfuzz." Now let's get the hell out of here!


"Frasier: Space Quest (#1.2)" (1993)
Dr. Frasier Crane: Dad! Dad! I can't read my paper! Eddie keeps staring at me!
Martin Crane: Just ignore him.
Dr. Frasier Crane: I'm trying to!
Martin Crane: I'm talking to the dog!

Dr. Frasier Crane: Thank you, Niles. You're a good brother and a credit to the psychiatric profession.
Dr. Niles Crane: You're a good brother, too.

Daphne Moon: Remind me again. Which one of Kyle's eyes is really looking at me?
Dr. Frasier Crane: The brown one.

Martin Crane: [starting a timed discussion] So, how about those Seahawks?
Dr. Frasier Crane: [pings timer] No sports.
Martin Crane: Okay, no opera.

Martin Crane: You want to establish this great father-son relationship. Well, that kind of thing takes a couple of years, not a couple of days.
Dr. Frasier Crane: A couple of years, eh?
Martin Crane: Ah, it'll go by before you know it.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Either that, or it'll seem like eternity.

Dr. Frasier Crane: Niles, I don't know what I'm going to do. I can't read my book. I can't have my coffee. I can't have any peace in my own home.
Dr. Niles Crane: So, what you're saying is that you want to be closer to Dad. You just don't actually want him around.

Martin Crane: What do you say to a beer?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, I'd love to have a beer with you, Dad.
Martin Crane: Well, then you'd better haul ass. The store closes in ten minutes.

[about "eggs in a nest"]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Ah, yes, the Crane family specialty. Two fat-fried eggs, dripping with grease, swimming in fat, with thick pieces of bacon and mayonaise on a piece of white bread, no crust. I can practically hear my left ventricle slamming shut even as we speak.

Leonard: [on the phone/on the air] ... now I'm afraid to go outside at all. I haven't seen another person in eight months.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, Leonard, it sounds like you may have a very serious condition known as agoraphobia, but you're not alone.
Leonard: But I am alone, Dr. Crane.


"Frasier: The Matchmaker (#2.3)" (1994)
[Frasier tries to comfort Daphne who's unhappy with her love life]
Frasier: I know how bleak these times can be, but believe me, they will come to an end sometime or later. I remember a time back in Boston, I was going through exactly what you're going through now. Just a week later I met a lovely barmaid, sophisticated if a bit loquacious. We fell madly in love and we got engaged... 'course, she left me standing at the altar. But the point is, I didn't give up. I took my poor battered heart and handed it to Lilith... who put it in her little Cuisinart and hit the purée button. But I rebounded! And look how far I've come. I'm divorced, lonely, and living with my father.

Daphne: It's me love life.
Frasier: Really? You've been seeing a man?
Daphne: Only when I close me eyes and concentrate.

Frasier: That's my brother, Niles. He's a little... how would you describe Niles, Dad?
Martin: I usually just change the subject.

Frasier: [on Daphne] She's just having trouble finding men.
Roz: [whips out her little black book] Say no more!
Frasier: No, Roz, Roz, it's really not necessary. You do not have to donate one of your boyfriends to Daphne.
Roz: Oh, come on, I'd be happy to.
Frasier: But still, one hates to break up a collection.
[Niles brings coffees]
Roz: Oh, here we go! Sven Bachman, he's an aerobics instructor.
Frasier: I don't think so.
Roz: Oh, this one's perfect! Gunther Dietrich. He's loads of fun, and he's a runway model.
Frasier: A German narcissist. Now there's an appealing combination.
Roz: Okay, okay, I'll keep looking.
Niles: Looking for what?
Roz: I'm helping Frasier find a man for Daphne.
Niles: What?
Roz: Here we go! He's a tennis instructor, and his name is Brick.
Niles: Dear God, Frasier - Sven, Gunther, Brick? Why not just lather Daphne up with baby oil and hurl her over the wall of a prison yard?
Roz: Excuse me, but I've dated all these guys.
Niles: Well, where do you think I came up with the imagery?
Roz: [furious] Listen, you little titmouse...!
Frasier: All right! Niles, you are completely out of line here. And Roz, he does have a point. You and Daphne are entirely different kinds of women. While Daphne is very shy and inexperienced, you are more... well, a lot more... well, actually it's hard to find anyone who's more...
Roz: Oh, I get it! Not one man I've ever dated is good enough for Miss Daphne, is that what you're trying to say?
Frasier: No, it's what I'm trying not to say, and you're not making it very easy.
Roz: [getting up] Oh, I'm out of here.
Frasier: Oh, Roz, please wait.
Roz: [storming out] Oh no, I can't stay, the FLEET IS IN!

Daphne Moon: Does he ask permission first? Oh no, he just barges in and says he's set me up with God-knows-who, and I'm supposed to turn cartwheels like I'm bloody Cinderella.
Frasier: Will you please relax? Look, I told you, this is not a set-up. Tom doesn't even know you'll be here.
Daphne Moon: Oh, an ambush then. Much nicer! My girlfriends in Manchester used to set me up all the time. And it was always some gangly bounder with a boarding-house reach. And he wasn't going for the Coleman's Hot Mustard, if you know what I mean.

Frasier: Just keep in mind, Tom is just a co-worker who's coming by for a pleasant little dinner. If some sparks should ignite, then fine, but there is no pressure, absolutely no pressure... is that what you're wearing?
Daphne Moon: Why, what's wrong with it?
Frasier: Don't you have something with a little more oomph? Oh, what about that, that strapless number you have?
Daphne Moon: Do you have any idea how uncomfortable a strapless bra is?
Frasier: Well, thanks to my fraternity days, as a matter of fact I do.

Frasier: Tom, I'd like you to meet Daphne. Daphne this is Tom Duran.
Tom Duran: [shaking hands] Pleasure to meet you.
Daphne Moon: Likewise. Oh, Dr. Crane, you didn't take his coat!
Frasier: Oh, sorry.
Daphne Moon: May I?
[Tom turns around. As Daphne takes his coat, she turns to Frasier and mouths, "HE'S GORGEOUS! THANK YOU, THANK YOU!"]

Frasier: [upon realizing that Tom is gay] Niles, do you realize what this means?
Niles: Yes, you're dating your boss.

Frasier: That's ridiculous! Tom is not gay!
Niles: He seems to be under that impression.


"Frasier: Back Talk (#7.10)" (1999)
Frasier: I am not "of a certain age," Niles. I am smack dab in the middle of "not a kid any more." I won't be "of a certain age" for another ten years.

Frasier: What esteemed medical journal did you find this little tidbit? "Cosmo"?
Roz: No. "Glamour."
Frasier: Oh, that's priceless. "I can't find the right shade of lipstick," "I look terrible in a bikini," "He can't find my G-spot."

Frasier: I for one am...
[spasm of pain]
Frasier: God Almighty!
Niles: Well, no wonder you're stressed, you've got a whole universe to run.

Daphne Moon: [Frasier is doped up on painkillers for his back and Daphne is giving him a massage] You took quite a few of those pills, didn't you? You know what's curious, though?
Frasier: Cats!
Daphne Moon: Yes. But I'm talking about our little mix-up. When I said to your father, "Dr. Crane's in love with me," he said it's been going on for six years now. What did he mean by that?
Frasier: Oh that... he meant Niles!
Daphne Moon: [completely stunned] What?
Frasier: Niles... he's crazy about you!
Daphne Moon: [still stunned] Dr. Crane?
[to Frasier]
Daphne Moon: Dr. Crane!
[Frasier has fallen asleep]

Frasier: [seeing that Eddie has buried his head under a pillow] You know, there are subtler ways of letting a patient know his hour is up!

[Frasier has fallen into his father's chair, delirious from taking medication for his back pain]
Niles: Oh my God - did you fall?
Frasier: No, I - you know I'm actually quite comfortable Niles! Look:
[Frasier motions towards television cabinet]
Frasier: There's no glare on the television! And here's a lovely place to set your drink!
[Frasier places his hand limply on TV tray and looks up at Niles with wide eyes]
Niles: Just give me your hand and whatever the chair is telling you, don't listen.
Frasier: No, Niles, no! It's helping my back, actually. You know - and when you sit in it, you don't have to look at it!

[Daphne is giving Frasier a massage to sooth his back pain while discussing her moving out of Frasier's apartment]
Frasier: You know what?
Daphne: What's that Doctor Crane?
Frasier: Dad's chair!
Daphne: I'm not taking it with me if that's where you're headed!
Frasier: It's so... comfortable!
Daphne: You took quite a few of those pills didn't you? You know what's curious though?
Frasier: Cats?
Daphne: Yes
[laughs]
Daphne: but I'm talking about our little mix up. When I said to your father "Doctor Crane's in love with me" he said it's been going on for six years now. What did he mean by that?
Frasier: Oh that. He meant Niles!
Daphne: What?
Frasier: Niles. He's crazy about you.
[Frasier passes out]
Daphne: Doctor Crane? Doctor Crane?
[Later, after Frasier has recovered]
Frasier: Oh Daphne, by the way - thank you for the massage, I think it did just the trick!
Daphne: Any time, Doctor Crane!
Frasier: Listen, um... just before I drifted off I'm afraid I might have said something I wish I hadn't.
Daphne: Yes?
Frasier: It's about Dad's chair...

[Eddie the dog stares at Frasier]
Frasier: What? Do you want to know what's bothering me too? Well, here's a start, I'm talking to a dog, that bothers me. I'm another year older today, I suppose that bothers me, but not as much as people seem to think. I'm still single, that's a big one. Not having a woman to share my life with. The only women in my life are friends; Roz and Daphne. Daphne's not even here anymore, she'll be married soon. That's going to be tough on Dad. Who am I kidding? It's going to be tough on me. It's been nice having her here. Even when my love life hasn't been going so well, I can always come home to a warm and considerate woman. You know, that's probably why I've been so brusque with her lately. I know that once she's gone, I'll probably be twice as lonely... Well, it's quite a realization isn't it?
[Eddie buries his head under the pillow]
Frasier: You know, there are subtler ways to let the patient know his hour is up.

Frasier: [Frasier throws his back out] I went to see the doctor last week, and he told me there was absolutely nothing wrong with me.
Martin Crane: Oh, doctors never tell you anything. They're just a bunch of overpaid quacks.
[Frasier glowers at Martin; Martin hems and haws]
Martin Crane: I don't mean you! I'm talking about real doctors!


"Frasier: Where There's Smoke, There's Fired (#3.21)" (1996)
[about Frasier's agent]
Niles: You're still consorting with that barracuda?
Frasier: Well, a barracuda is what you want in an agent, Niles. Well, it's just that the station's been sold, I was hoping she might have some scuttlebutt on the new owner. I must admit she's rather hard to get a hold of these days.
Niles: Oh really? I thought one just drew a pentagram on the floor and chanted "I summon thee" three times.

Daphne: Who's staying all weekend?
Niles: Bebe Glazer.
Martin: [worried] Here?
Martin: [worried] What does she have to stay here for?
Frasier: She's trying to quit smoking.
Martin: [sarcastic] Oh great, that means she'll be extra lovable.

Bebe: After dinner is the time I need a cigarette most. As long as I don't stop eating, I'll be fine.
Frasier: This is very good, Bebe. You're already identifying those moments that trigger your worst cravings.
Bebe: [sarcastic] Yeah, yeah!
Frasier: No, really, perhaps it would help to know that you're not alone. Dad is an ex-smoker; Dad, can you tell us about when you crave a cigarette most?
Martin: Ah, when I had insomnia. I'd get up, pour a glass full of Bourbon, light a cigarette, next thing you know, I couldn't keep my eyes open. Nothing relaxes you like a cigarette. Of course, it gives you a hell of a headache in the morning.
Daphne: Well, I smoked for years but I never became addicted. To this day, I can buy a pack, have a cig or two, toss them in a drawer and not crave another for months.
Bebe: You know there's a word for people who can do that... what is it? Oh yes - bitch!
Niles: There's no need to be insulting just because you're wrestling with an unhealthy and disgusting habit.
Bebe: It isn't disgusting; it's wonderful!
Frasier: What is so wonderful about smoking?
Bebe: Everything! I like the way a fresh firm pack feels in my hand. I like peeling away that little piece of cellophane and seeing it twinkle in the light. I like coaxing that first sweet cylinder out of its hiding place and bringing it slowly up to my lips. Striking a match, watching it burst into a perfect little flame and knowing that soon that flame will be inside me!
[Begins displaying innuendo]
Bebe: I love the first puff, pulling it into my lungs... little fingers of smoking filling me, caressing me, feeling that warmth penetrate deeper and deeper until I think I'm going to burst!
[Frasier raises his eyebrow]
Bebe: Then 'woosh!'... watching it flow out of me in a lovely sinuous cloud, no two ever quite the same!
Daphne: [Visibly aroused, as are the others] More potatoes, anyone?

Bebe: [Early morning. Bebe is asleep on the couch. Daphne, in her robe, slowly creeps into the room with a pack of cigarettes in her hand. She quietly opens the balcony door. Bebe stays asleep as Daphne puts a cigarette to her lips. However, the sound of her striking a match wakes Bebe in an instant. She tiptoes over to the balcony door] You're up early, Miss Moon!
Daphne: God, you startled me!
[laughs]
Daphne: Ever since your little speech about smoking, I haven't been able to think about anything else. Please, don't mention this to Dr. Crane.
Bebe: Silence has its price, dear. And I think we both know what that is.
Daphne: Forget it! You can't make me give you one of these.
Bebe: Oh, can't I?
[She slams the balcony door shut, locking Daphne out]
Daphne: You open up right now!
Bebe: All right, missy, here's the drill! You drop those cigarettes, I'll open the door, you kick 'em over to me... capiche?
Daphne: No!
[She runs to the other door; it's locked]
Bebe: [evil] Oh, is it cold outside?
Daphne: All right, you asked for it!
[She takes the packet and holds it over the balcony]
Bebe: No, no! Please, I beg you.
Daphne: Oh, oh no. My fingers are getting weak! Oh, I'm losing me grip!
Bebe: Stop, please! I'll give you anything you want. I'll make you a star!
[opens door]
Frasier: [enters] What the hell's going on out here?
Bebe: [childish brat voice] Daphne was smoking!
Daphne: She made me!

[Frasier is trying to get Bebe to quit smoking]
Frasier: For God's sake... I don't care anymore. You know, I can't help you, nobody can. You want to ruin it for both of us? Here...
[tosses her a lighter]
Frasier: ...go ahead, knock yourself out.
[Bebe begins to light cigarette]
Frasier: I only wish I could be there when it happens.
Bebe: When what happens?
Frasier: When you see that newspaper headline: "Big Willy Boone, Millionaire, Dead." Oh, how I wish I could be there when you watch the funeral on the news. Watch the casket being slipped into the ground. Only, you won't be watching that. No, no, you'll be watching... the widow Boone. Tiffany, perhaps. Oh no, better yet, "Kelli" - with an "I"!
Bebe: [tortured] Stop it!
Frasier: You'll picture her wearing YOUR jewels, sailing in YOUR yachts, sleeping with *your* gigolos - but, oh, you won't be sad, no, no, no!
[chuckles]
Frasier: Because you'll have your cigarette.
[Bebe stares at her cigarette with fear]
Frasier: Yeah! Clutched in your nicotine-stained teeth, smoke whirling about your once-pretty, now creased, leathery, smoke-ravaged...
Bebe: [anguished] Enough!
[Bebe hands the cigarettes to a triumphant Frasier]
Bebe: God! You are one hell of a therapist!

[Bebe's wedding with an elderly millionaire was canceled]
Martin: What went wrong?
Frasier: Well, they were halfway down the aisle - Big Willy beaming proudly, Bebe radiant, supporting Big Willy on her arm - when suddenly he clutched his heart, and his head slumped against Bebe's shoulder. Of course we were all concerned at first, but then suddenly it seemed like he was all right because they kept moving on down the aisle. But if you looked carefully, you could see Bebe's little biceps bulging through her wedding gown, and I swear I noticed daylight between Big Willy's dress boots and the carpet. Well, once they got up to the minister the jig was pretty well up, despite Bebe's valiant attempts to animate his features by twisting the loose skin at the back of his neck. You know, I've never seen a woman more crushed.

[Discussing with Bebe her imminent marriage to a media tycoon]
Niles: Marrying money can have its perils. Ten or fifteen years down the line, after you've adapted to a lifestyle now totally beyond your means, you can find yourself cast aside, a hollow husk, penniless and crushed.
Frasier: Niles, Big Willy's eighty five; he's on his third pacemaker.
Niles: Ah! Mazel tov.

[Frasier is trying to get Bebe to quit smoking]
Frasier: For God's sake... I don't care anymore. You know, I can't help you, nobody can. You want to ruin it for both of us? Here...
[tosses her a lighter]
Frasier: ...go ahead, knock yourself out.
[Bebe begins to light cigarette]
Frasier: I only wish I could be there when it happens.
Bebe: When what happens?
Frasier: When you see that newspaper headline: "Big Willy Boone, Millionaire, Dead." Oh, how I wish I could be there when you watch the funeral on the news. Watch the casket being slipped into the ground. Only, you won't be watching that. No, no, you'll be watching... the widow Boone. Tiffany, perhaps. Oh no, better yet, "Kelli" - with an "I"!
Bebe: [tortured] Stop it!
Frasier: You'll picture her wearing YOUR jewels, sailing in YOUR yachts, sleeping with YOUR gigolos - but, oh, you won't be sad, no, no, no!
[chuckles]
Frasier: Because you'll have your cigarette.
[Bebe stares at her cigarette with fear]
Frasier: Yeah! Clutched in your nicotine-stained teeth, smoke whirling about your once-pretty, now creased, leathery, smoke-ravaged...
Bebe: [anguished] Enough!
[Bebe hands the cigarettes to a triumphant Frasier]
Bebe: God! You are one hell of a therapist!

Big Willy: Oh, I've been looking for you Dr. Crane. I have a little problem and they told me you're just the fella who could fix it. Oh, I hope I'm not imposing.
Frasier: Oh, no, don't be silly, Mr. Boone.
Big Willy: Well, actually I prefer "Big Willy."
Frasier: Don't be silly, Big Willy.


"Frasier: Are You Being Served? (#4.21)" (1997)
[Frasier complains he does not like to hug]
Roz: I read somewhere that if you have physical contact on a regular basis, it can actually extend your life.
Frasier: Well in that case, you should outlive Styrofoam.

[the doorbell rings]
Frasier: That'll be Niles. I'm taking him to lunch to get his mind off his troubles.
Daphne: Is that something we shouldn't talk about?
Martin: No, there's no reason why we shouldn't talk about it.
Frasier: Dad, I'm sorry, I don't think he's ready to talk about it so we're not talking about it.
Niles: [from behind the door] Would you mind not talking about it a little less loudly?

Frasier: Now listen. I know you're upset, but let's remember why you left Maris in the first place: you were tired of groveling.
Niles: Yes, but I'm rested now.

Niles: You know, this is sort of exciting. Even as a child I always fancied I might make a first-rate society cat burglar. I think I'm right.
Frasier: Yes. All it takes is stealth, cunning and a key to the door.

[Frasier and Niles are trapped in Maris's mansion by two attack dogs outside]
Niles: One of our old dogs used to be spooked by thunderstorms. The vet told us half of one of Maris's green pills would allow him to sleep safely right through the storm. You get the meat, I'll get the pills.
Frasier: Right...! Wait! What if Maris is out of pills?
[Niles bursts out laughing]
Frasier: [chuckling] Oh, I see.
Niles: Thank you, Frasier, I needed that.

Frasier: Niles, this painting here in the living room, have you always had this?
Niles: The one of Maris and me in the garden? Yes, we had it commissioned on our third anniversary.
Frasier: No, no, it must be a different painting. This is Maris next to a really big tree.
Niles: No, there's no tree in that painting, it's... Oh, my God. She's had me completely painted out! I don't think I can take much more of this.
Frasier: In that case, I wouldn't look too closely at the face of that skunk in the flowerbed.

Niles: Look around. This entire room is a monument to my spinelessness!
Frasier: How so?
Niles: This Dresden Shepherdess? A peace offering I made to Maris when I was foolish enough to point out an extra syllable in a Haiku she'd written. Choose another item. Anything.
Frasier: Oh, that candelabra?
Niles: Louis Quatorze! What better way to apologise for the time I attempted to grow a moustache?
Frasier: I think you owe us all a candelabra for that.

Niles: I can't believe it. It's really over.
Frasier: If you choose you never have to see Maris again.
Niles: Oh, please. Half the time I couldn't see her when she was standing right in front of me.
[they laugh]


"Frasier: A Word to the Wiseguy (#3.15)" (1996)
Dr. Niles Crane: [on Maris] She drove up on the sidewalk, and when the police ran her name through the computer, they found quite a little backlog of unpaid parking tickets.
Dr. Frasier Crane: What else would you expect from a woman who thinks her chocolate allergy entitles her to park in a handicapped space?

[Frasier fears he has offended a mobster]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes, I'll have a non-fat, decaf latte, please. Oh, what the hell? Look, make it a full-fat mocha with extra whipped cream. What the hell, put a slice of bacon on it!

Dr. Niles Crane: I heard you on the radio today, I thought what you did was noble.
[pause]
Dr. Niles Crane: To what South American nation will you be fleeing?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, like I'd tell you. One minute of interrogation and you would crack like a Jordan almond!

Jerome Belasco: [reading a list of Maris's arrest charges] Ignoring a summons, speeding, reckless endangerment. Your wife sounds like a very carefree lady.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh yes, she's ounces of fun.

Brandi: Money ain't everything, especially when you got a sex life like ours.
Roz Doyle: He's not even good in bed?
Brandi: Who knows? We're never there long enough to find out.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh for... you know this really isn't necessary...
Brandi: I said to him last night, "What the hell was that? I've been vaccinated slower!"

[Frasier snatches Jerome's card from Niles]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Are you mad? I will not have you turning a minor, albeit annoying situation into a... a Martin Scorsese film!

Dr. Niles Crane: [enters] Frasier, I feel as if I'm being sucked into a vortex of rage and despair!
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, right back atcha!

Daphne Moon: What a horrible thing to happen. Can you imagine poor Mrs. Crane confined to a jail cell?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Only if they moved the bars closer together.


"Frasier: Good Samaritan (#6.11)" (1999)
Dr. Frasier Crane: What child wouldn't be thrilled with a coconut death mask on his birthday?

[Frasier is being bailed out after being arrested for soliciting a prostitute]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Dad, you don't understand. All that happened was...
Crystal: [obviously a man] Bye, Dr. Crane, sorry I got you arrested.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, that's all right, Crystal, these things happen.
[turns to Martin and Niles]
Dr. Frasier Crane: He had a wig on!
Martin Crane: You're my son and I love you.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, will you stop saying that?

[Frasier mistakenly picked up a woman who turned out to be a prostitute, and then a transvestite]
Daphne Moon: Look, Dr. Crane, I just wanted to say, you're the victim here.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Thank you.
Daphne Moon: Yeah, American society's so close-minded when it comes to sexual experimentation. In Europe...
Dr. Frasier Crane: Daphne, I didn't do anything wrong!
Daphne Moon: Well, exactly! That's what I'm trying to say!

Dr. Frasier Crane: Here, sit down for a second, son. I, I've got something I've gotta talk to you about. For the next couple of days, you're going to hear some rather nasty stories and some snide jokes about your old man...
Frederick Gaylord Crane: Mom's coming?
Dr. Frasier Crane: No, no she's not. It's very hard for me to tell you this, but I just spent the night in jail.
Frederick Gaylord Crane: Wow! Like Brad Johnson's dad.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, that was different. Insider trading is wrong.

[Frederick is coming for a visit]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Actually, it was Lilith's turn this year to have him for his birthday, but apparently there was an accident at the lab. One of her monkeys bit her on the tongue.
Roz Doyle: [afraid to ask] What exactly was she doing with the monkey?
Dr. Frasier Crane: She was teaching them sign language. I guess one of them made a disparaging remark about her new haircut, and she stuck her tongue out.
Roz Doyle: Wow. How bad does a haircut have to be for a monkey to hate it?

[the phone rings, Daphne answers]
Daphne Moon: Hello? Yes, who's calling, please...? Wiwif? Anyone here know a Wiwif?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, Lilith!

Dr. Frasier Crane: Chivalry may be on life support, but it's not dead.

Dr. Frasier Crane: [after spending the night in jail] Was it really necessary to take my belt and shoelaces?
Cop: Standard procedure. It's for your own protection.
Dr. Frasier Crane: For God's sake, you had me in the drunk tank. If I'd wanted to kill myself, I'd have taken a deep breath!


"Frasier: The Show Where Sam Shows Up (#2.16)" (1995)
[correcting a continuity error from Cheers]
Martin: [about Frasier] Hey, Sam, what'd he tell you about me, the father, the old cop?
Sam Malone: Well, uh, he told me you were dead.
Martin: [surprised] Dead?
Frasier: Well, we had an argument one day. He called me a stuffed shirt and hung up on me. I was mad.
Sam Malone: [to Martin] You were a cop?
[to Frasier]
Sam Malone: You told me he was a research scientist.
[Martin reacts]
Frasier: [to Martin] You were dead! What did it matter?

[after meeting Sam's fiancee, Sheila]
Frasier: Oh my God... I slept with that woman three months ago.
[Niles and Roz gape at him]
Roz Doyle: *You* slept with *her*?
Frasier: Yes!
Niles: On what desert island with no hope of rescue was this?

Frasier: What the hell you do mean, you were about to get married?
Sam Malone: All right, all right. Uh, well, I met this girl six months ago, and we were supposed to get married. And yesterday, I was standing in this church facing this minister, and I hear him say, "Will you take this woman to be your wife?" and I said, "Who, me?" Well, the next thing you know, I'm running down the aisle and I didn't stop running until I got here.

Frasier: All right, all right, look, look, Sam, come, let's have a seat here and start this thing from the very beginning. Now, who is this woman?
Sam Malone: Ah, she's a terrific person. She's smart, and she's funny; she's horny. I mean, she's just the kind of chick you wanna stick up on a pedestal.
Frasier: You know, Sam, it's always amazed me how you can elevate and demean in the same sentence.

Sam Malone: I'll tell you, man: She's one in million.
Frasier: You know, for most guys that's just an expression.

Roz Doyle: [entering from booth] Fras, I gotta go. Your messages are on my desk and... whoa, who is this?
Sam Malone: I'm Sam Malone. I was a buddy of Frasier's in Boston.
Frasier: This is Roz Doyle.
Roz Doyle: [to Frasier] So this is the Sam Malone you've always talked about? The one who has no respect for women and treats them like dirt?
[to Sam]
Roz Doyle: Need anyone to show you around Seattle?
Sam Malone: Well, you know, to tell you the truth, I'm all right with the city, but I get real lost in my hotel room.
Frasier: Oh, boy. Just look at the two of you face to face. I imagine wild animals all over the Northwest are lifting their heads, alerted to the scent. Good-bye, Roz.
Roz Doyle: Well, if you need any company, give me a call. Here's my number.
Sam Malone: Well, thanks. That's a snazzy card.
Frasier: Yes, it glows in the dark.
Roz Doyle: So do I.

Niles: Is it my imagination, or is Sam flirting with Daphne?
Frasier: Well, of course he's flirting with her. He flirts with everybody. He can't help it, he's a sexual compulsive. But he's getting help for it in a support group.
Niles: [hearing Daphne giggling in the kitchen] Did he miss a meeting?

[first lines]
Frasier: So, that's our show for today. Don't forget, Bob "Bulldog" Brisco is up next and... oh, yes. This is KACL Cash Call Week. $5,000 when you answer your phone with the phrase that pays. So when your phone rings, don't say "hello", say...
[Frasier sees Sam outside the studio]
Frasier: Well, blow me down! No, no, no, no! Just, uh, say, uh, "KACL is the talk of the town." Talk of Seattle, whatever. Bye-bye.


"Frasier: You Scratch My Book... (#2.15)" (1995)
[Niles brings Daphne her profit from a stock tip he gave her]
Daphne: You have to help me decide what to do with it.
Niles: Well, you might want to consider letting Wendel re-invest it. That's what I'm doing. It's called "rolling it over."
[Frasier enters]
Daphne: Then I'll do it. Oh, this is so exciting!
Frasier: What's all this?
Daphne: Well, your brother just gave me two hundred dollars, and now he's going to roll me over.
Frasier: Niles?
Niles: [embarrassed] Communications breakdown.
Frasier: Good.

[Niles has been giving Daphne phony stock payoffs to get hugs and kisses from her]
Niles: The first stock really did pay off, but then the rest all tanked. And what was I supposed to do? Tell that poor, working-class Venus I'd lost her life savings? I had to pay her back and if I threw in a little extra, well, where's the harm in that?
Frasier: Niles, you are giving a woman money in order to obtain physical affection! We are talking the world's oldest profession. Granted, this is sort of the Walt Disney version, but still. It's wrong, and I insist you stop it.
Niles: No. It's altruistic, it's noble, it's fun, and you can't make me stop.

Niles: Well, I hope you're happy!
Frasier: Snap out of it! What you were doing was completely dishonest.
Niles: Ooh, said the pot to the kettle!
Frasier: What does that mean?
Niles: I think you know what it means.
Frasier: Oh, don't be ridiculous! Our two situations are totally different.
Niles: Oh, really? How so?
Frasier: Well, for one thing, you've been misleading a woman for your own selfish gain.
Niles: And so are you!
Frasier: Well, I'm not finished. She was also trusting you to tell the truth!
Niles: Oh, and the difference would be?
Frasier: Your woman is English!
Niles: Frasier, you've lost this one.
Frasier: I know, I know. It's just going to take a little while to climb down off of this particular high horse.

[about Honey Snow]
Daphne: You should try reading one of her books.
Frasier: Well, I have. Believe me, after one page, I was yearning for the worldly cynicism of Barney the Dinosaur.

Frasier: Niles, will you please stop giggling? It's very distracting.
Niles: [reading Honey's manuscript] I can't help it. Have you read this?
Frasier: I'm trying to recommend the book. Reading it doesn't help.

Niles: What are you all dressed up for? Hot date?
Frasier: As a matter of fact, yes.
Niles: With whom?
Martin Crane: Dr. Honey Snow.
Frasier: Did it ever occur to you that I might not want Niles to know who I'm dating?
Martin Crane: Sure it did. Right before I said it.

Daphne: I'm off to the Book Nook. Dr. Snow is signing copies of her new bestseller.
Martin Crane: Hey, wait a minute! You're going out? What about my whirlpool therapy?
Daphne: Oh, right. I forgot. Maybe you could go to the book signing for me, Dr. Crane. It's right around the corner from the station.
Frasier: I would sooner attend a hoedown.
Niles: I would gladly go, but I've got my compulsive spending seminar, and I'm hoping to unload the rest of these raffle tickets.

[first lines]
Martin Crane: [entering the apartment] Ahh, I still say when some guy grabs your parking space, you don't just sit there, you say something.
Frasier: Dad, when a man has no front teeth and stitches on his nose, I think it's safe to assume he's sensitive to criticism.


"Frasier: The Unkindest Cut of All (#2.2)" (1994)
Frasier: Where are the Thomasons? Why is that dog still here?
Daphne: I'm sorry, Dr. Crane, but they struck me as unfit guardians.
Frasier: Oh for God's sake, he works at the zoo! She's a nurse, Billy's an altar boy and Kathy is a Campfire Girl!
Daphne: They had a dark aura.
Frasier: They had a ten-acre farm! If they'd taken me, I'd have gone with them!

Frasier: You know Dad, I've just developed a very interesting theory about you...
Martin Crane: [sarcastic] If I begged you, would you share it with me?

Frasier: Slowly, over the years, your responsibilities have been taken away from you, and you, well, you feel symbolically castrated.
Martin Crane: Oh, why does everything with you shrinks start in the crotch?

Daphne: [with the box of puppies] I think I've found the perfect name for this one!
Frasier: Stop! Dogs only need names if you're going to call them to you, which we're not!

Frasier: Niles, you have liver behind your ears.
Dr. Niles Crane: I imagine I must have picked up a cracker and inadvertently scratched behind my ear...
Frasier: You're saying you had a wad of cold meat behind your ears and you didn't feel it?
Dr. Niles Crane: That's the story I'm sticking with, yes.

Frasier: Mrs. Greenway, there's no way Eddie could be the father - he's been neutered.
Mrs. Greenway: Well then, how do you explain these!
[hands Frasier a box of puppies]
Frasier: Oh my God! They're miniature Eddies!
Daphne: Oh, aren't they adorable!
Mrs. Greenway: I'm glad you think so, because they're yours!
Frasier: [to Eddie] Bad dog! Look what you've done!

Daphne: [with the box of puppies] Oh, couldn't you just eat them up!
Frasier: For God sakes, don't love them! They'll think they're staying!

Daphne: Oh, couldn't we just keep them for a while?
Frasier: [with the box of puppies] No, no we don't want them taking after their father. It may be too late already...
[to the puppies]
Frasier: Oh for God's sake, stop staring at me!


"Frasier: Love Bites Dog (#4.2)" (1996)
Frasier: You know, Niles, what say I buy us dinner and a lot of martinis?
Niles: Sounds great, except for the dinner part.

Frasier: Bulldog, is there nothing I can say to appeal to your sense of decency?
Bulldog: Hey, I have no sense of decency. That way, my other senses are enhanced.

Bulldog: [Frasier is trying to snap Bulldog out of it] Doc, Doc, you're hurting my head here. Can you stop being a shrink and just be like a guy?
Frasier: [to himself] Like a guy. Like a guy.
[pauses]
Frasier: SCREW HER!
Bulldog: What?
Frasier: [angrily] Yeah, you don't need her. She's trash!
Bulldog: Yeah, that's right.
Frasier: You're better off without her; We both are!
Bulldog: I like the sound of this.
Frasier: Yeah, so do I! Unattractive, yet liberating, rather like the one and only time I wore a European bathing suit.
[realizing he's going off-track]
Frasier: I'm sorry. SHE'S A BITCH!
Bulldog: Hey, she wasn't even that hot!
Frasier: You're right. All she did was save you the trouble of having to dump her!
Bulldog: [cheering up] I never thought about that.
Frasier: There you go!
Bulldog: I'm feeling a little better, Doc!
Frasier: That's right!
Bulldog: Thanks. It's great talking to you!
[holds out his hand]
Frasier: [shaking his hand] Likewise. You know, I could talk like this for another thirty seconds.
Frasier: [walking back in the booth with Bulldog] She was nothing! She was less than nothing! Tomorrow you're gonna find someone even hotter and you know what you're gonna do?
Bulldog: What?
Frasier: You're gonna have your fun with her and then you're gonna dump her just for the hell of it!
Bulldog: Yeah, dump her!
Frasier: And you know what? You're not gonna feel bad about it at all. You know why? Because we're GUYS and THAT'S WHAT GUYS DO!
[walks out of booth]
Niles: [in corridor] Distressing news, Frasier. Francois gave away our table.
Frasier: SCREW HIM!
Niles: [shocked] Excuse me?
Frasier: You heard what I said! We don't need him or his stinky little restaurant! There are plenty of restaurants in town. I say we go somewhere we don't even need a reservation!
[Niles slaps him, snapping him out of his Bulldog mode]
Frasier: Thank you.

[Roz is trying to set Frasier up]
Roz: When was the last time you were with a woman? Seems like almost a year.
Frasier: Oh, it has not been that long. I mean, that is a laugh! Hah! The last time was... er... well, let's see... Well, the tree was still up... Oh, God!

Roz: Her name is Sharon. She's five-seven...
Frasier: Oh Roz, I'm not interested.
Roz: But she's an incredible person. She's smart, she's funny, she's a former pro-golfer. She just hasn't met the right guy.
Frasier: A woman golfer. Are we quite certain there is a right guy?
Roz: She dates men.
Frasier: Not this one.

Martin Crane: New suit, huh? Who's the lucky girl?
Frasier: Well, if you must know I'm meeting a friend of Roz's today after work, but it's no big deal.
Martin Crane: Well, congratulations. What's it been? A year?
Frasier: It has not been that long!
Martin Crane: I remember the tree was still up.

Daphne Moon: Well, look at you all dressed up.
Frasier: Yes, it's a new suit. Yes, I'm meeting a woman. And yes, it has been a while.
Daphne Moon: Thanks, that reminds me. I have to order my cards.

Roz: Oh my God. It's in love!
Bulldog: Last night for the first time in my life I actually said those three little words: "stay for breakfast."
Frasier: You had sex with Sharon?
Bulldog: Doc, please! We "made love." You know what? I gotta call her.
[picks up the phone]
Bulldog: No, wait. No, I gotta play hard to get.
[slams phone down]
Bulldog: But I miss the sound of her voice. I'm calling her.
[picks up phone]
Bulldog: No, wait. It's too needy. Chicks hate that.
[puts phone down]
Bulldog: I shouldn't call her. But I want to!
[picks up phone before putting it down again]
Bulldog: Doc, what should I do?
Frasier: [bewildered] Don't ask me, I don't even know who you are!


"Frasier: Flour Child (#2.4)" (1994)
Frasier: Oh Niles, I don't have time to stand here and listen to your insanity. I have to go steal a get-well card from a kidney patient.

Roz Doyle: You'll be happy to know that Clarence is doing a lot better. I just dropped his card off.
Frasier: Clarence?
Roz Doyle: Yeah, Clarence the guard.
Frasier: Oh, down at the station, Clarence, oh yes, good. I didn't know he was sick.
Roz Doyle: You signed his get-well card.
Frasier: You mean that wasn't a birthday card?
Roz Doyle: No, he's in the hospital having a kidney transplant.
Frasier: Oh my God, I thought it was his birthday! I wrote, "Dear Clarence, you're not getting older, you're just getting closer to death"!

[Niles considers carrying around a sack of flour to practice for fatherhood]
Niles: Extra-refined. It's taking after its old man already.
Frasier: No Niles, that's the sugar. If we're going to do this, we're going to do it right. Now, here is the flour.
[reading from the label]
Frasier: Bleached, 100% fat free, best when kept in an air-tight container. It seems this one is taking after its mother.

[on their way home, the boys have a small adventure helping their cab driver to deliver her baby]
Daphne: I can't wait to see what kinds of dreams I have after all this talk about childbearing. Probably that one where my mother shows up and says...
[old lady voice]
Daphne: "Well, Daphne, you're fifty now and you've never given me grandchildren." Then I say, "That was my choice to make, Mum, I was thinking of my career." "Oh sure, your career, but did you ever think of me?" "Mother, I don't want to start this again, just drop it." "But will she drop it...?" "Oh shut up, mother!" "Don't talk to me like that, young lady...!"
[exits]
Frasier: I wonder how many more people she's got in there with her.

Arlene: I can't have my baby here.
Frasier: All right, now listen, miss, there's no for you to be concerned. You happen to be in the presence of two trained medical professionals. Niles, help the woman.

Arlene: [in labor] Ahh! It really hurts!
Niles: That's okay. It's natural.
Arlene: No, you're squeezing my hand!
Frasier: Oh, just get a hold of yourself, Niles!
Niles: I'm sorry! I only did this once before, in medical school, and all I remember is a bright light and lots of blood and then a linoleum floor hurtling towards my forehead.
Arlene: You fainted?
Niles: Oh, switch places with me, honey, and see how you do!

Frasier: You know, my particular area of medicine is psychiatry. I like to specialize in the head, you know, not the lower portions of the body. It's much less messy that way. Not that your lower portion is messy at all. It's quite beautiful, actually... not that I'm looking!
[Arlene screams in pain]
Frasier: Is the pain that bad?
Arlene: No, you're driving me crazy!
Niles: Don't drive her crazy.
Frasier: Oh, shut up!
Martin: [climbing out of the backseat and pulling Frasier out of the front] Move it out of there! Come on!
Frasier: All right, dad! All right! Just hurry up.
Arlene: What, are you a doctor, too?
Martin: No. I'm a retired cop.
Arlene: Well, what took you so long? Oh! It's really hurting!
Martin: I know. Look, everything's gonna be just fine, sweetheart. Now, I've delivered more than a... a few babies in my lifetime, and some of them are even older than you are now. Now, Frasier is gonna hold your hand and help you with your breathing, and Niles is gonna look out for an ambulance, and I'm gonna get ready to bring your beautiful baby into this world, okay?
Arlene: Okay.
Martin: Good. Now, are there any questions?
Niles: Yes. Should our meter still be running?

Daphne: So I guess you've had some excitement tonight.
Niles: [quickly] No, I haven't.
Daphne: Well, your father sure made it sound exciting on the phone... delivering a baby in a taxi.
Niles: Oh, that. I don't think of that as excitement as much as my sworn duty to use those skills I honed in medical school.
Frasier: Yes, Niles ran down to a falafel stand for a pot of hot water.
Martin: What I can't get over is that feeling of being there right when a person's life begins. One minute, it's just this blob in some lady's stomach. Next minute, it's a person. Blob...
[snaps his fingers]
Martin: ...person.
Frasier: The miracle of birth summed up in one poetic phrase.


"Frasier: Morning Becomes Entertainment (#7.19)" (2000)
Roz Doyle: They're taking us off the air.
Dr. Frasier Crane: What, since when?
Roz Doyle: Well while you were out looking for Gatorade to pour over yourself, Kenny stopped by and said we're off the air for a week.

Dr. Frasier Crane: Hey, did you happen to catch the show today? I was on fire. First caller was an agoraphobic.
[punches the air]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Boom! Knocked it right out of the park. Then, two troubled marriages and a compulsive over-eater. Boom-boom, Boom! I was a regular mental health dispensing machine.
Daphne Moon: I did two loads of laundry and cut a piece of gum out of Eddie's hair.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Now, Daphne, don't get down on yourself. The work you do at home is very important. In fact, I don't know what Dad and I are going to do once you're married.
Daphne Moon: Thank you, Dr. Crane, that makes me feel better.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Boom! Boy, there is no off-switch on this thing!
Daphne Moon: Sadly, that's true.
[laughs]

Daphne Moon: Don't worry, Dr. Crane, I'm sure you're right about these things. After all, you usually are.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, thank you, Daphne, that's exactly what I needed to hear.
Daphne Moon: Boom!

Dr. Frasier Crane: So, I take it negotiations aren't going so well?
Bebe Glazer: You remember that insulting figure you said you'd never accept?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Uh-huh.
Bebe Glazer: They haven't come up to it yet.

Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, come on in, Niles. Bebe's just bringing me up to speed on her depressing news about my contract negotiations.
Bebe Glazer: Don't worry, dear, I just need to find a way to throw a scare into them.
Dr. Niles Crane: Have you tried turning into a bat?
Bebe Glazer: I would, love, but most grown men don't share your fear of tiny creatures!

Bebe Glazer: [takes out cigarette] May I?
Dr. Frasier Crane: On the balcony, if you don't mind.
Bebe Glazer: Mind? I don't want a single puff tearing up the baby blues of TV's newest sensation. By this time next week...
Dr. Niles Crane: You heard him, if you're gonna blow smoke, do it on the balcony.

Matt: This is a chat show, who's he going to chat with?
Bebe Glazer: Me, I'll go on with him.
Dr. Frasier Crane: You?
[shakes Roz]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Pull yourself together, Roz!
Matt: I don't think so, Bebe.
Bebe Glazer: Why not? All he needs is someone to suck up to him, laugh at his jokes, pretend to listen to his stories. I'm his agent, for God's sakes, that's what I do!
Dr. Frasier Crane: You know, I believe she could pull it off.
Matt: The problem is she needs to be likable.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Right. Do I at least get to keep the suit?

Dr. Frasier Crane: You know, I must confess, there's a part of me that wishes I could still do the TV show.
Martin Crane: Well, there's a part of me that wishes that monkey was cooking dinner instead of you-know-who... but we put our dreams away!


"Frasier: Author, Author (#1.22)" (1994)
Frasier: I do not have a fat face.
Niles: Oh, please. I keep wondering how long you're going to store those nuts for winter.

Frasier: Niles, I would shave my head for you.
Niles: A gesture that grows less significant with each passing year.

[after a bitter argument with Niles]
Frasier: Dad, the mark of a pure man is that one realizes he can't control his circumstances, he can only control his responses.
Martin: Have you talked to your brother yet?
Frasier: I do not have a brother! I'm an only child!

[Frasier is attempting to throttle Niles during a particularly out-of-control argument]
Niles: My God, I'm having a flashback! You're climbing in my crib and jumping on me!
Frasier: You stole my mommy!

Frasier, Niles: [singing] ump-ta-da-da-da ump-ta-da-da-da... Some boys run off to college, but we think they're all wussies, cause they get all the knowledge, and we get all the umpta-da-da-da umpta-da-da-da...

Frasier: Morning all!
Martin: Morning.
Daphne Moon: You seem cheerful this morning, Dr. Crane.
Frasier: Why shouldn't I be?
[Picks up a muffin and begins to take a bite]
Martin: Well it's going to rain again, jobless rates are up and about two minutes ago Eddie was licking that muffin.

Frasier: Oh, so that's what this little tantrum is all about? You're jealous of my celebrity?
Niles: It's not a tantrum, and I'm not jealous. I'm just FED UP! I'm fed up with being second all the time. You know, I wanted to be a psychiatrist like Mom way before you did, but because you were older you got there first. You were first to get married. You were first to give Dad the grandchild he always wanted. By the time I get around to doing anything, it's all chewed meat!
Frasier: You're crying about something that we can't change.
Niles: Oh, you wouldn't change it if you could, you love it!
Frasier: Oh, let it go, Niles!
Niles: I can't let it go! My nose is rubbed in it every day! *I'm* the one on the board of the Psychiatric Association, *my* research is well-respected in academic circles, four of *my* patients have been elected to political office, but it's *your* big fat face they put on the side of buses!

Frasier: [Frasier and Niles are wrestling on the hotel bed] Niles! Stop! We are psychiatrists - not pugilists!
[Niles stops wrestling and stands up]
Frasier: I can't believe you fell for that!
[Frasier tackles Niles, and they resume wrestling]


"Frasier: Crock Tales (#11.22)" (2004)
Daphne: Dr. Crane, I know what you're going to do!
Niles: You do?
Daphne: Not you, Dr. Crane, Dr. Crane! And you can't fire me, because I quit!
Frasier: What?
Daphne: After all I've done to save you money! I'm washing my face with dish soap while you're out buying imported bath salts like a big rich girl! I hope you rot in debtors' prison!

Roz: How's your new girlfriend?
Frasier: I allowed her to climb to the first base camp on Mount Crane and I believe she's feeling the effects of the altitude.
Roz: Is one of them nausea? Cause I'm getting that right now.

[on the Fourth of July, Frasier looks at his balcony rail]
Frasier: Wait a minute. Is my bunting a-droop? It's supposed to drape evenly. Oh, for God's sakes.
Daphne: You're not going to send me back to the Space Needle with binoculars and a walkie-talkie again, are you?

Frasier: Niles, will you please stop being so morose? It is Thanksgiving.
Niles: Oh, you're right! I should count my blessings: I'm in the midst of a bitter divorce. Maris is freezing my assets, forcing me to live in the Shangri-La, which is the devil's own apartment complex. Where, last night, they turned off my heat, re-freezing my assets.

[Locked out on Frasier's balcony before a Fourth of July parade]
Roz: This sucks, I don't even have my cell phone. Don't you have your cell phone, Frasier?
Frasier: Roz, I'm Uncle Sam, I don't have a cell phone. I shouldn't even have this zipper.

Frasier: [referring to Niles's sex life] You know the "S.S. Ain't Gettin' Any"? Man overboard!

Frasier: All I said to Maris was, "Why the long face?"
Niles: Yes, and now, thanks to you, she's on the phone to her chin grinder in Zurich.


"Frasier: Radio Wars (#7.3)" (1999)
Niles: Why didn't you hold the elevator? Didn't you hear me shouting?
Frasier: That was you? Oh, I'm sorry, Niles. I was afraid you were trying to get a picture of my butt.
Niles: How exciting to be present at the birth of a new phobia.

Martin: People think you're stuffy. You know, with your opera parties, and your wine parties and your seasoned crepe pans.
Frasier: In my defense, Niles is the only one who has ever seasoned his crepe pans.
Niles: Which is precisely why I've had the same set since the ninth grade, thank you very much.

Martin: My point is, you guys could never resist putting on airs. Even when you were in junior high, you used to love that TV program, "The Avengers." You used to run all over the neighborhood pretending you were that guy with the umbrella... Steve.
Frasier: Steed!
Niles: Dad!
Frasier: There were worse role models. Steed was dapper and witty. Whenever somebody gave him grief, he gave them a sound thrashing with his umbrella.
Martin: Well, that's great, admire him if you want. But did you have to run through the neighborhood in bowler hats? You were just begging to get beat up.
Frasier: Come to think of it, it was rather a rough summer that year, wasn't it?
Niles: I remember getting a chin strap, so the bowler wouldn't fall off when I ran.
Martin: And all that did was make you look like Elizabeth Taylor in "National Velvet."

Frasier: Oh, Daphne, Daphne! Tell us, do you think we're snobby, superior and condescending?
Daphne Moon: That's it! I'm getting my door soundproofed.

Martin: How often do you get to hear your son on the radio?
[Frasier angrily stares at Martin for a moment, then;]
Frasier: [explodes] I'M ON THE RADIO EVERYDAY!
[He storms to his bedroom]

Frasier: [about his speech] I believe I have arrived at a masterful rebuttal.
Martin: I'm not sure you want to call it your re-*butt*-al.

[Carlos and the Chicken have offered a cash prize for the best photo of Frasier's butt]
Frasier: [rushing into his apartment] Leave me alone! For God's sake, have some respect!
Martin: Was that Mrs. Curdsman?
Frasier: She dropped her medication in the hallway. As I stooped to pick it up, out came her camera like an assassin's blade!
[holds up pill bottle]
Frasier: Well, if she wants to control those blood clots, she'll cough up that film!


"Frasier: You Can't Tell a Crook by His Cover (#1.15)" (1994)
Niles: I'll have a decaf latte, and please be sure to use skim milk.
Frasier: I'll have the same.
Eric: Got it.
[to barista]
Eric: Two Gutless Wonders!
Niles: [to Frasier] Certainly playing fast and loose with his tips for a man who drives a van.

Frasier: Don't you believe in second chances?
Martin: I did. Then we had Niles.

Frasier: Niles, just listen to me for a second. You know perfectly well that she'll resent any interference. Now, you want to make a fool of yourself, go right ahead, but don't ask me to join you.
Niles: That's fine. Just tell me where they went.
Frasier: Someplace called the, uh, the Topaz Room.
Eric: The Topaz Room? I thought the cops shut that place down after the last shooting.
Frasier: I'll drive!

Frasier: Oh Niles, Niles, just sit down and relax, for God's sakes. You're being irrational.
Niles: Don't you *dare* call me irrational! You know that makes me crazy!

Daphne Moon: Someone here is long overdue for a...
Martin: Hey! Don't you say that word.
Daphne Moon: What word?
Martin: B-A-T-H.
[Eddie runs away]
Frasier: When he yawns, it may smell like swamp gas, but his spelling's improving.

Daphne Moon: [Frasier and Martin are arguing about Daphne's date with Jimmy] Excuse me, gentlemen, but might I interject one tiny little thought into this conversation?
Frasier: Of course, Daphne.
Daphne Moon: Belt up! Both of you! It may have escaped your notice, but I happen to be to a grown woman, and nobody has told me whom I might or might not date since I was schoolgirl, and I didn't listen then! Now, when I've quite made up my mind what I plan to do about Jimmy, I'll let you know. But right now, I'm going to my room. You two hens have wasted enough of my time.
[Daphne storms off]
Frasier: That would have been a very dramatic exit if only her room was down that hall.

Martin: [Frasier is trying to guess which one of Martin's poker buddies spent time in jail] Wow, Frasier, I may have underestimated you.
Frasier: Really?
Martin: Yeah. You're making a bigger jackass of yourself than I thought.


"Frasier: The Club (#2.18)" (1995)
Roz: It's eating you up inside, isn't it?
Frasier: Like a carnivorous bacteria.

Frasier: I'm Dr. Frasier Crane, and this is my brother, Dr. Niles Crane, the eminent psychiatrist.
Niles: My brother is too kind. He was already eminent when my eminence was merely imminent.

Wentworth: Cocktails, gentlemen?
Frasier: Oh, yes, I'd like two ounces of your best 18-year-old Lowland single malt scotch.
Mr. Drake: There's a discriminating choice.
Niles: Yes, my brother has an extensive knowledge of fine wines and spirits. Undoubtedly acquired during the years when he was shacked up with a barmaid.

Frasier: Dad, what are you doing?
Martin: I'm teaching Eddie a new trick.
Frasier: With my twenty-six-dollar-a-pound imported prosciutto?
Martin: Wait'll you see it. It's worth it!
Frasier: Not unless he can sing the love duet from Tosca.

[at a cocktail party to compete for entry into an exclusive club, Frasier brings Daphne]
Frasier: Listen, my date canceled, Daphne's filling in, all right? You can't honestly think that I would end up going out with Daphne?
Niles: Well, you are a man. She is a goddess... whose bedroom is, after all, only forty-one steps from your own.
Frasier: On a completely unrelated topic, where's Maris?
Niles: The last I saw, she was apologizing to one of the other candidate's wives. Apparently, Maris bumped an entire chafing dish of crabmeat into the poor woman's décolletage.
Frasier: Accidents will happen.
Niles: As long as they keep the hors d'oeuvres flowing, they will.

Frasier: Oh look, there's Niles. No, no, don't look! Pretend we don't even see him.
Roz: Real mature, Frasier.
Frasier: Thanks to that backstabber, I will never get to say the phrase that I've been rehearsing for a lifetime: "If you need me, I'll be at my club."

Frasier: I might as well say this while I can: "If you need me, I'll be at my club."
Daphne: Oh, yes. The club - the club that I helped you get into. Of course now that you're in, I'm just cast aside.
[forlorn voice]
Daphne: Unappreciated, unloved, and forgotten...
Frasier: Yes, well I see the prosciutto isn't the only imported ham in the house.


"Frasier: Secret Admirer (#6.6)" (1998)
Roz Doyle: Oh, my God. You have two women?
Dr. Frasier Crane: At least.
Roz Doyle: And you're juggling them? And you're getting jewelry?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Why is that so hard to believe?
Roz Doyle: Well, I guess since they cloned that sheep, anything's possible.

Martin: Hey guys.
Niles: Hey there.
Daphne Moon: So, who won the squash game?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh Daphne, it's not about winning or losing, its about the thrill of competition.
Martin: Congratulations Niles.

Roz Doyle: Hey, Frasier! Nancy, hi!
Nancy: Hi!
Roz Doyle: So, are you back to work yet?
Nancy: Almost, I start at KNFS tomorrow.
Dr. Frasier Crane: You know, Roz, Nancy and I are having coffee.
Roz Doyle: Oh, none for me, thanks.
[to waitress]
Roz Doyle: Listen, can I have a fat-free muffin, please? Nancy, I have been dying to call you. My cousin just moved to town and I think he'd be perfect for you!
Nancy: Actually, I just started seeing someone.
Roz Doyle: Well, you'll forget all about him when you meet Chuck. He is so handsome and rugged and he loves the outdoors...
Dr. Frasier Crane: Kindly leave him there. You see, the person that Nancy is seeing is me.
Roz Doyle: Really? You two are dating?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Even as we speak!
Roz Doyle: Oh, my God! I am so sorry. Well, good for you! I mean, who needs Chuck when you've got... well, the anti-Chuck?
[she gets up]
Roz Doyle: When my muffin gets here, could you send it over?
Dr. Frasier Crane: You won't even see it coming.

Nancy: So, are we still on for Friday night?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes, of course we are. You know, I was wondering... maybe we could just, uh...
Nancy: Have dinner at your place?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes, that's amazing. You read my mind again.
Nancy: Well, I just thought it would be more comfortable. We could curl up on the couch, make a nice fire...
Dr. Frasier Crane: Can you guess what I'm thinking now?
[she looks at him, then gasps and playfully slaps his face]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, you ARE good, aren't you?

Dr. Frasier Crane: How did things go with Maris?
Niles: I wish I knew. I returned the gifts and told her there was no chance of reconciliation. She didn't get mad. In fact, she was eerily calm. She just stood there with a blank stare on her face, rubbing her ocelot.
Martin: You know, they got a cream for that.

Niles: Oh, Frasier, why did I go over there? Why didn't I listen to you?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Why didn't I listen to you? If I had I'd be sitting with Nancy right now, sipping wine in front of the fire.
Niles: I'll be stripped clean and devoured like an animal!
Dr. Frasier Crane: And I WON'T be!

[Niles opens a box and pulls shredded paper aside. There is a small ring box which he opens. The only thing inside is a coin. He picks up the card and reads... ]
Niles: Roses are red, your heart is fickle. When I'm through with you... all you'll have left is this nickel.
Martin: Oh, no.
Niles: Oh, God... she's going to ruin me.
Dr. Frasier Crane: No, no, Niles, maybe she's bluffing. You know, once she's signed the financial settlement...
Niles: [picking up the paper] She's not bluffing. This IS the financial settlement.


"Frasier: Shutout in Seattle: Part 2 (#6.24)" (1999)
Niles: She's breathed new life into me.
[Niles' new girlfriend coughs loudly while smoking a cigarette]
Frasier: You may have to return the favor.

Roz Doyle: Give him a break, he's just having fun.
Frasier: That's exactly what I'd expect to hear from someone who's willing to spend the night as Bulldog's squeak toy.
Roz Doyle: That is not funny! It was one night, and I would appreciate it if you would just let it drop.
Frasier: You're right, I'm sorry, that was tactless of me. Tell you what, let me make it up to you. I've got an extra theater ticket tonight. Faye's busy, why don't you join me?
Roz Doyle: No, thanks.
Frasier: No, please, Roz. It's a delightful little show. I'll even throw in dinner.
Roz Doyle: Busy.
Frasier: Really. A date?
Roz Doyle: [exploding] I have plans! Plans! What are you, a cop? I've got to account for every waking minute? My private life is my own business!
Frasier: Bulldog!
Roz Doyle: [bursting into tears] I don't know what's wrong with me! I'm weak. I can't stop myself!
Frasier: Yes you can, Roz.
Roz Doyle: Okay, I don't want to stop myself. He's good. He's really good. I mean, I'm better, but he's trainable.
Frasier: Roz, it's Bulldog! Doesn't that bother you?
Roz Doyle: You'd think.

Martin Crane: [Frasier has found Daphne's engagement ring] Well, you sure saved Daphne there.
Frasier: Yes, and I also did myself a little favor as well. Can you imagine what conclusions Faye might have jumped to had she found this engagement ring in my room?
Faye Moskowitz: [Faye comes in and sees the ring] Oh, Frasier, for me? I had no idea!
Frasier: Well, actually, uh...
Faye Moskowitz: [grabbing the ring] It's beautiful! It's so beautiful! Yes, Frasier, I do! I do!
[she gives him a big kiss; he gropes for words to explain]
Faye Moskowitz: Oh, calm down, you big dope. I know it's Daphne's ring.
[she hits him playfully as Martin laughs]
Faye Moskowitz: And, uh, I can't tell you how flattered I am by those beads of sweat on your forehead.
Frasier: Well, they're love beads, honey!

Frasier: As long as we're tying up loose ends here, I was just wondering, what was your ring doing on the edge of my Jacuzzi tub, right next to my favorite scented candle - which was burned down to the wick?
Daphne Moon: I'm going to let my attorney handle this one.
[goes into the kitchen]
Daphne Moon: I'm sorry, Frasier. I guess after a little champagne we got into the mood, and into the nude, and into the tub. But don't worry, we'll replace the candle.
Frasier: If only you could replace the image.

Cassandra Stone: Excuse me, is Frasier still here? I just had I needed to ask him.
Faye Moskowitz: Oh, yeah, he's over there. I didn't get a chance to meet you before. I'm Faye.
[holds out her hand]
Cassandra Stone: [takes it] Oh, how do you do? I'm...
Frasier: NOOOOOOO!

Frasier: I was just undressing to take my bath, when I sat on the edge of the tub and landed... on this.
Daphne Moon: Oh my God, you found my ring! I'd given up, I thought it was someplace I'd never find it!
Frasier: It very nearly was.

[Frasier has just called Faye "Cassandra" again by accident]
Frasier: It is one syllable! What is wrong with me?
[Roz starts to laugh]
Frasier: Well, I'm glad to see you're amused.
Roz Doyle: No, I'm not, I'm just having a flashback to my summer of Ted, Todd and Tad.


"Frasier: Caught in the Act (#11.15)" (2004)
[Frasier's re-married ex-wife comes to town]
Frasier: My problem now is that she's invited me to her dressing room for an... après-show tryst.
Niles: You're not going?
Frasier: Well...
Niles: Frasier!
Frasier: Niles, if you had any idea how much pain she's in. The woman is reaching out to me to rescue her from a loveless marriage, from - from a career she feels trapped in. If I could help her make a new beginning, wouldn't it be heartless of me to deny myself to her?
Niles: ...Did you say something? Your penis was talking so loud I couldn't hear.

Niles: Will you listen to yourself?
Frasier: Oh, this is more than just sex, Niles. This is passion, kismet. A gift the gods bestow on only a chosen few. Wouldn't the real sin be to refuse it?
Niles: Isn't that your old second-piece-of-pie argument?
Frasier: Well, maybe it is, but I haven't had "pie" in six months.

Nanny G: Frasier, if you knew how bored I am, being "Nanny Gee." How trapped I feel...
Frasier: You have a wonderful career.
Nanny G: But nothing ever changes! Do you have any idea what it's like to play the same character for twenty years?

Frasier: She hit on me in the children's bookstore. Where I bought her CD. Trust me, the woman is a sexual volcano just waiting to erupt!
Niles: Judging from some of these song titles, you may be right. "Nanny's Messy Bed" "I Feel Something Great Inside Me" "Bannisters are Fun."

Roz: So what was it like being married to Nanny Gee?
Frasier: Oh, gosh... we were so young and immature. We had huge fights over nothing. But in the bedroom...
Roz: Frasier!
Roz: Sorry.
Roz: So, uh, Nanny Gee gave you nice "hugs"?
Frasier: Oh, big hugs.
Roz: No kidding.
Frasier: We used to hug our brains out. In fact, you know, the last time we saw each other she wanted to have a little reunion hug, but alas, I was still married to Lilith and settling for my weekly handshake.

Frasier: Nanette!
Nanny G: God, I could throw you down on this floor right now and...
[sees the rest]
Nanny G: Hi!
Frasier: Here, let me take your wrap...
Daphne: [aside to Martin] Isn't she the children's entertainer?
Martin: Yeah, SpongeBob Hotpants.

[Niles enters the cafe with a shopping bag]
Frasier: The Gap, Niles? I didn't know you shopped there.
Niles: I just discovered it! Apparently, there are a number of them.
Frasier: [suspicious] And what did you buy there?
Niles: Oh, well, let's see... some wine glasses, and a bud vase...
Frasier: That's Pottery Barn, you jackass! Give me that!


"Frasier: The Apparent Trap (#7.9)" (1999)
Frasier: Who is this colleague anyway?
Lilith: He's the man who supplies me with lab rats. It's about time we got together socially. I've known him for over fifty-two generations.

[Niles and Lilith see each other for the first time after their fling]
Frasier: It happened, take from it what you can learn, move on.
Niles: Well, I learned if you kiss her too fast you get an ice-cream headache.
Lilith: You also learned that I have twice your upper body strength, so shut your pie hole.

Lilith: If he wants something badly enough, he will figure out a way to get it. Remember when he was a baby, the bottle at the end of the maze?
Frasier: You know, I kinda regret doing that.

Lilith: Do I know my son, or do I know my son?
Frasier: He was willing to put us through absolute hell just for a minibike?
Lilith: You know what this means, don't you?
Frasier: Yes, he's normal. We're not bad parents. Well done, Dr. Sternin.
Lilith: Well done, Dr. Crane.

Lilith: Well, we really should get in there.
Frasier: Yes, I suppose we should. Must be sheer torment for him, waiting for the ax to fall.
Lilith: Absolute hell.
Frasier: Absolute nightmare.
Frasier: Wine?
Lilith: Love some.

Martin: Has the witch gone yet?
Frasier: Lilith's still here, dad.
Martin: Oh, in that case, I'll ask you too, Lilith. Has my twitch gone yet? I had some very strong coffee this morning and...
Lilith: Skillfully done, Martin.

[Frasier is worried that Lilith is coming on to him]
Frasier: Tell you what, Dad. Take a minute and then come back in. See what you think's going on in there and then find some subtle way to tell me what you think.
Martin: All right, okay. Just give me a minute.
[a few minutes later, Martin re-enters the apartment]
Martin: Oh, excuse me again, I just came back to get an umbrella in case it rains. But I hope it doesn't, because Eddie's just dying to play this new game I taught him. I take off his leash and I say, "Run for your life!" Yep, that's exactly what I say, "Run for your life!"
Frasier: Thank you, Dad.
Martin: Okay.
[starts to leave, then]
Martin: Run for your life!


"Frasier: Give Him the Chair! (#1.19)" (1994)
[off-screen, Eddie is barking]
Frasier: What is the matter with him?
Daphne: He saw your father's chair was gone, and he's afraid it means your father's gone too. I think he suspects foul play.
[Eddie keeps barking]
Frasier: Oh, stop it! If I had stuck Dad's feet into a bucket of cement and thrown him into Puget Sound, you would have been the tiny little splash that followed him!

Frasier: By tonight my dad will be safely back in his beer-stained, flea-infested, duct-taped recliner, adjusting his shorts with one hand and cheering on Jean-Claude Van Damme with the other. Yes, it's quite a little piece of heaven I've carved out for myself, isn't it?

[Niles lets Daphne try on a necklace he bought for Maris, but it falls down the front of her blouse; Frasier enters]
Frasier: Hello, Niles. Whatever are you doing here?
Niles: I, um, bought an emerald necklace for Maris, and I needed some place to hide it for her birthday.
Frasier: Emeralds? Well, may I see it?
Niles: Not at the moment, no.
Frasier: Why not?
Daphne: It's down my blouse.
Frasier: I see. Well, I'm sure Maris will never think of looking for it there.

Martin: I just need a comfortable place to park my fanny.
Frasier: How about Florida?
Martin: I heard that.

Niles: [testing a chair in the showplace] I never knew a chair could be this satisfying. I never knew anything could! I want it!
Frasier: Yes, Niles, I'm sure it would fit right in with all of Maris' Eighteenth Century antiques.
Niles: Well then, I'll just rent it an apartment and visit it on the side.

Frasier: God, when you think about all the care I put into decorating my home, only to have it mocked by this atrocity.
Niles: The bottom line is, it is your home. Why don't you just make him get rid of it?
Frasier: Well, it's not that simple, you know? Dad does have his feelings, and he does have quite an attachment to this little chair...
Niles: You're afraid to stand up to him, aren't you?
Frasier: Oh, like you're not!
Niles: Well, at least I don't have to live with something unattractive.
[Frasier shoots him a look. Niles gapes in outrage]
Frasier: Oh, Niles, I'm just having some fun with you. I happen to think Maris is rather attractive, in a... a minimalist sort of way.

Martin: Hey, Niles. What brings you by?
Niles: Maris's birthday, I'm hiding her present here.
Martin: Oh, it's getting that time of year, is it? Well, I guess I'm gonna have to get her something. It's too bad, I just got back from the hardware store. Saw a great-looking ratchet set.
Frasier: [sotto] As if there's anything left on her that needs tightening.


"Cheers: Second Time Around (#4.17)" (1986)
Dr. Frasier Crane: Everybody, I'd like you to meet my date, Dr. Lilith Sternin, M.D., Ph.D., Ed.D., A.P.A.
Woody Boyd: Boy, it sure isn't spelled like it sounds.

Dr. Frasier Crane: So, how do you like Cheers?
Dr. Lilith Sternin: Well, it seems adequate for its purpose. But I have a feeling that you only brought me to this place to surround yourself with people you know and I don't.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, yes. But what's more, I thought that we might have a drink or two thereby lowering our inhibitions a bit, and enabling us to go back to your place and have a physical encounter of some sort.
Dr. Lilith Sternin: Well, we won't.
Dr. Frasier Crane: I appreciate your candor.
Dr. Lilith Sternin: No you don't.
Dr. Frasier Crane: You're right. I feel like striking you.
Dr. Lilith Sternin: Your attempt at machismo is totally inadequate. You can't even make eye contact.
Dr. Frasier Crane: I could look at you if I wanted to, but frankly I've grown tired of counting the comb marks in your hair.

Candi Pearson: Anyone ever tell you you've got a cute forehead?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Frankly no, but I've been told I have acute anxiety.

Candi Pearson: I'm Candi.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes, so I see from your necklace, Candi with an 'I'.
Candi Pearson: Well, I used to spell it with a 'Y', but nobody ever took me seriously, so then I switched it to an 'I', you know, like Gandhi.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes, yes, I understand that's why he did it.

Diane Chambers: Please tell me if I'm wrong, and I'll be forever silent.
Dr. Frasier Crane: You're wrong.
Diane Chambers: [immediately whines] No I'm not.

Justice of the Peace: [during Frasier and Candi's wedding ceremony] If there is any person present who knows a reason why this couple should not be united, speak now or forever hold your peace.
Diane Chambers: I do.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Right phrase, wrong wedding.

Dr. Frasier Crane: If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go and use the little boys' room.
Dr. Lilith Sternin: Why does a grown man feel the need to euphemize?
Woody Boyd: Well, he did drink that beer awfully fast.


"Frasier: The Innkeepers (#2.23)" (1995)
Frasier: All right, stop it! Get a grip. You're not being asked to do anything that none of us hasn't done before in our own kitchens in our own homes! Now quick, Niles, kill five eels!
Niles: Wait, wait! What?
Frasier: I'm serious! Every restaurant critic in Seattle is out there and they all want anguille, so start killing eels!
Niles: Wait, wait. How do you suggest I do that?
Frasier: How do I know? You're the chef. Throw a toaster in the damn tank for all I care!

Frasier: Oh, by the way, Niles, guess what thriving Seattle nightspot is closing its doors.
Niles: Roz, you're moving?
[Roz takes Niles' vintage book and licks the cover]

Frasier: Niles, how are those eels coming along?
Niles: I'm just trimming them now.
[hacks into the aquarium with a cleaver]
Frasier: Oh, no, Niles! Take them out of the tank!
Niles: Not until I'm sure they're dead!

Niles: How much firepower do you suppose is necessary to imbed a cherry in an acoustic ceiling tile?
Frasier: Another question we should have asked ourselves before we entered the exciting world of food service.

Frasier: Daphne, Dad. Everything alright here?
Daphne Moon: Oh, yes Dr. Crane. Whatever this anguille is, it's perfectly smashing.
Frasier: It's our chef's specialty. The man can do things with eels you just wouldn't believe.
Martin Crane: I arrested a guy for that once.

[trying to decide on a name for their restaurant]
Niles: Oh! What's the word for "lighthearted" in French?
Frasier: There isn't one.

Frasier: We'll make the place very, very exclusive! No sign on the outside, no advertisements and oh, an unlisted number!
Martin Crane: Hey, well don't stop there! Maybe you could post some guards on the roof who can shoot people as they try to get in.
[Daphne laughs]
Frasier: Never mind him. I believe, Niles. Do you believe?
Niles: I believe!
Otto: Have you decided what you'd like?
Frasier: Yes. I'd like the whole damn place... right from the wine cellar to the rafters!
Otto: [long pause] And for the lady?


"Frasier: Frasier Loves Roz (#3.22)" (1996)
Dr. Frasier Crane: Go ahead, Tom. I'm listening.
Tom: Hi, Dr. Crane. Uh, it's about my girlfriend. My problem is, I don't know if I love her for herself or because things are so great between us physically.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, how long have you two been together?
Tom: Six years.
Dr. Frasier Crane: And the sex is still that good?
Tom: Oh man, Dr. Crane, every morning, night, three times a day on weekends. But I'm not sure we have much else in common.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, common interests are of course the foundation of... three times, you say?
Tom: Is that abnormal?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, uh, no, no, it's not abnormal. It's not fair, but it's not abnormal. But you know, perhaps you share more things than you think you do actually. I'll tell you what, try this: why don't you pick up a catalogue from a local university, go through it with her and see if there are any courses you'd like to take together?
Tom: That's a good idea! Thanks, Doc. Have a great weekend.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, I'd wish you the same but it hardly seems necessary.

Niles: I just spotted someone. It's my least favorite patient. The man's a compulsive womaniser. He goes through so many women, he calls them all by the same odious nickname, "Sunshine," to avoid slip-ups.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, God.
Niles: Frasier, what do you do when you don't like a patient?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, it's a tricky subject, isn't it? How long have you been seeing him?
Niles: Six months. We've made no progress whatsover. Sometimes I feel he comes in not so much for help as to brag. He claims to have been with, at last count, one hundred and fifty women!
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh puh-leeze. A hundred and fifty...
Niles: As if anything over, say... seven weren't absurd.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, I would say eleven, but I get your point.

Niles: What's the point of going to Switzerland without spending a day on the slopes? So, I ducked out of the conference, and who should I run into but Maris? She'd just flown in for her yearly goat-placenta treatments.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Hmm... Good lord, is it placenta-treatment-time again, already?
Niles: We had a set-to on the slopes. She ran; I tried to follow her tracks in the snow but, alas, she made none.

Niles: Now serving one hundred and fifty one.
Dr. Frasier Crane: [turns to see] Good God! He's here to see Roz?
Niles: Yes, well, no doubt they met when Sealy Posturepedic named them Man and Woman of the Year.

Dr. Frasier Crane: That is the *last* man that Roz should be with!
Niles: Don't worry: Knowing Roz, he won't be.

[Frasier and Niles are reading, trying to find a way to circumvent Niles' obligation to keep Ben's intentions confidential]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Say, here's a possibility. According to this, it says we can warn her if he plans to do her bodily harm. Does he?
Niles: No.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Damn!
Niles: It would be so much easier if Roz were mentally incompetent.
[They slowly look up at each other]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Go on.
Niles: Well, then there'd be some justification for protecting her. Is she irrational?
Dr. Frasier Crane: She did attack a vending machine once, when a Twinkie came out of the Oreo chute.
Niles: Borderline, borderline... Does she ever act delusional?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, she often claims that she's responsible for the success of our show.
Niles: Building, building... Does she display below-average intelligence?
Dr. Frasier Crane: She once ordered a bottle of white zinfandel!
Niles: Jackpot! Go to her! She's a threat to herself!
Dr. Frasier Crane: It's amazing they even let the woman drive!


"Cheers: For Real Men Only (#8.8)" (1989)
Woody Boyd: It's a memory quilt that all the women in my family made for me when I graduated from high school.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, I've heard of these things. A bunch of women get together and embroider patches that string together the happy memories of a young man's life.
Cliff Clavin: So these women were authentic folk artists then, huh?
Woody Boyd: No, just bored housewives.
Woody Boyd: Hey, check this out. See this soft blue square here? This is a piece of my very first baby blanket.
Norm Peterson: Now, what do those little dots signify?
Woody Boyd: Oh, that represents my very first childhood disease: smallpox. I almost died.
Cliff Clavin: Uh, what's that long green thing there?
Woody Boyd: Oh, this is the bean stalk from my very first high school play. I fell off it during the first act, cracked two ribs and punctured a lung. I almost died.
Woody Boyd: Oh, this red patch here represents the big fire that burned down my house when I was six.
Norm Peterson: And what, you almost died?
Woody Boyd: No, I got out. And while I was running away, I fell in this well right here, and I almost...
[pauses]
Woody Boyd: Well, you know.

Dr. Frasier Crane: [about himself] I mean, how can you go back to a room where people think you're a total idiot. I mean, how do you do it, Cliff?
Cliff Clavin: Well, I don't really like to divulge... hey!

Dr. Frasier Crane: God, aren't I a pompous ass.
Sam Malone: No, you're not pompous.

Dr. Frasier Crane: OK, people! Let's get this bris show on the road! Chop chop! Ooh, sorry... poor choice of words.

Dr. Frasier Crane: [Walking into Cheers with Frederick when he is supposed to be having his bris] The bris is off, I've kidnapped my son.

Sam Malone: [after the bris, walking out of the pool room with a crying Frederick in his arms] It's okay, baby. Everything is going to be fine.
Dr. Frasier Crane: [following Sam, with a crying Lilith in his arms] It's okay, baby. Everything is going to be fine. Say, you know, what do you say next time, we have a girl?
Dr. Lilith Sternin: [whimpering] Mm-hm.


"Frasier: To Kill a Talking Bird (#4.14)" (1997)
Dr. Frasier Crane: You know, Niles, this precious little building of yours isn't as exclusive as you think. Your doorman waved me right through.
Niles: Well, that's because he knows you.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, fan of my show?
Niles: No, he lives in your building.

Dr. Frasier Crane: [as Martin is duct-taping his chair] Dad, when are you going to stop blighting the environment with this atrocity? My God, can't you see that it wants to die? Let it go.
Martin: You know, I keep havin' this dream where you say the same words... only I'm in the hospital and you're slipping the nurse a twenty.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Dad, that will never happen.
Martin: Thank you.
Dr. Frasier Crane: I have medical power of attorney it won't cost me a thing.

Dr. Frasier Crane: [Referring to the building Niles wants to move into] I'm going to go out on a limb here: the Montana doesn't accept pets, does it?
Niles: On the contrary, they welcome them. Just not cats or dogs.
Martin: [Holding Niles' dog] Well, then you're in luck, 'cause I don't know what the hell this thing is.

Niles: [Niles' cockatoo is attached to his head] I don't think my reputation can suffer more than it already has.
Dr. Frasier Crane: I wouldn't be so sure about that; wearing a white bird after Labor Day.

Dr. Frasier Crane: Niles, I can't stall them for much longer. The Dutchman's date even knows Maris.
Niles: What? Who is it?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Elaine something.
Niles: Which Elaine? Maris knows three Elaines.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, she's very thin, exquisitely dressed, and dripping with attitude.
Niles: [annoyed] Oh, like that narrows it down!

Dr. Frasier Crane: Place cards, how elegant...
[reads one]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Who is Peter Soutendeck?
Niles: He's an investment banker from Amsterdam. He apparently handles a lot of Bill Gates's money, so don't say anything derogatory about the Netherlands or Microsoft.
Dr. Frasier Crane: [dryly] Damn. There goes my opening joke about the Dutchman trying to install Windows '95.


"Frasier: Agents in America: Part 3 (#2.22)" (1995)
[Bebe and Frasier have slept together]
Frasier: All right, just go ahead. Get your shots in.
Niles: No, no. I'm just glad you're all right. I would have assumed she killed after mating.

Frasier: What kind of a woman are you? You seduced me, you lied to me, you nearly got me killed. You've shamelessly manipulated not only me but the station, the news media, and the entire city of Seattle. What do you have to say for yourself?
Bebe: Aren't you glad I'm on your side?

Frasier: Once a woman has dipped her toe into Crane Lake, dry land is never the same again.
Niles: Yes, she's probably home in her room writing "Mrs. Bebe Crane" over and over in the margin of her algebra book.

Bebe: Do you have any idea how hot you are? I get offers everyday from other stations offering the moon for you.
Frasier: Good Lord, am I really that hot?
Bebe: Are you kidding? If I were a pot roast, I'd be done.
Niles: Hello, I'm Niles, a person at the table.
Bebe: Niles, thank God you're here. Back me up. Give him some sound, brotherly advice.
Niles: She's the Devil, Frasier. Run fast, run far.

Niles: Oh, dear, don't turn around. It's that dreadful woman who works for you.
Frasier: Who?
Niles: Um... Lady Macbeth without the sincerity.
Frasier: Oh! Oh, Bebe's here! Now listen, Niles, I care for her just as little as you do, but she is a terrific agent, which is why I overlook the fact that she's pushy and obnoxious and the most appalling phony I've ever known.
[turns around]
Frasier: Bebe, darling, how are you?

Martin: [Martin comes in, sees Frasier and peels open one of his eyelids. Frasier starts awake] Sorry, Eddie, he's still alive. You're not gonna get your own room after all.
Frasier: Ohhh, God.
Martin: How're you feeling?
Frasier: How do I look?
Martin: Last time I saw a guy who looked like you, he'd been in the trunk of a car at the airport for a month.


"Frasier: Breaking the Ice (#2.20)" (1995)
Frasier: You know that Maris loves you, right? But it's still nice to hear it.
Niles: I imagine it would be, but let's stick to attainable goals.

Frasier: So you're suggesting that I go along, pretend I'm enjoying myself doing something that gives me absolutely no pleasure at all, just to hear the words "I love you"?
Daphne Moon: Why not? Women have been doing it for centuries.

Frasier: Niles, do you mind if I ask you a personal question? What the hell are you doing here?
Niles: What do you mean?
Frasier: You know, this whole "Sergeant Niles of the Yukon" act. I mean, come on, it can't be all to impress Daphne.
Niles: It's not an act!
Frasier: Niles, in twenty years, I've never heard you comment on fish except to say that the sauce had separated.

Martin Crane: Frasier... I love you. Niles... I love you.
Frasier: Thanks, Dad. I love you, too.
Niles: And I love you, too.
[silence]
Niles: But I *hate* ice fishing!
Martin Crane: Well, it's the last time you'll have to come out and do that.
Niles: Oh, in that case I *really* love you!

Frasier: [seeing Niles in his ice fishing getup] You look like a skinny Elmer Fudd.

Daphne Moon: Don't you ever clean that thing out?
Martin Crane: No, it's bad luck. Everybody knows that. You show up on a fishing trip with a tackle box that doesn't smell like the most rancid, rotten thing on the face of the earth, then nobody will sit by you.
Frasier: [entering the apartment with Niles] Yes, Niles, I used to have the same problem with my multiple personality patients. They always kept saying that the other one had sent the check.
Niles: [sniffing] What an odd combination of odors. It smells like a fish died and all the other fish sent flowers.


"Frasier: Miracle on Third or Fourth Street (#1.12)" (1993)
Frasier: [his father is hanging up a fake wreath] Dad, what are you doing with that?
Martin: I'm going to hang it on the door like I always do.
Frasier: But Dad... it's plastic!
Martin: Of course it's plastic! Do you think a real one would have lasted since 1967?

[Martin and Frasier are arguing over the Christmas decorations. Frasier wants to decorate the Christmas tree using lights shaped like chili peppers]
Martin: Oh, I give up. Go ahead, decorate the thing. Use your chili peppers!
Frasier: All right, I won't anymore!
Martin: Use 'em! Why don't... maybe we could hang a few radishes, put a nice broccoli on top!

Frasier: How much more appetizing food always becomes when you add the word "log"!

Bill: How's that turkey platter? As good as last year's?
Frasier: I'm not sure this isn't last year's!

Daphne: [Niles is making Daphne try on dresses] Shall I put the red one back on so you can make a choice?
Frasier: No, I think Niles has all the information he needs.
Niles: [guilty] You know, Maris and Daphne are roughly the same size.
Frasier: Give or take a foot.

[after filling in for Bulldog on Christmas Day]
Frasier: Well, we're just about out of time. My, my, this day has flown by. I'd like to wish all of you revelers out there a Merry Christmas, and for the rest of you, why don't you go out and treat yourself to something special? Personally, I'm going to go get myself a meal at one of Seattle's fine eateries. I don't know where, but I promise you one thing: it'll have a liquor license.
[pause]
Frasier: Just kidding. Don't drink and drive. This is Dr. Frasier Crane, KACL 780, Talk Radio.


"Frasier: Leapin' Lizards (#3.4)" (1995)
Kate Costas: [to receptionist] I need a copy of our contract with Nanette Stewart.
[notices Frasier]
Kate Costas: What's Yum-Yum doing here? It's all right, I can guess.
Dr. Frasier Crane: You promised you'd put an end to Bulldog's shenanigans and instead you encouraged him.
[notices Kate has pulled Nanette's name from the board]
Dr. Frasier Crane: You're cancelling "Pet Chat With Nanette"? She's been on for six years!
Kate Costas: Yeah, but she's been floating at the top of the bowl for the last two. When I went in to talk to Bulldog, the phones were lit up like Times Square, he's fans love it when he zaps you.
Dr. Frasier Crane: So, you would have me ridiculed for the sake of those hyenas!
Kate Costas: No, I would have you fight back. He makes pot shots at you, you come back at him in your drool, Ivy League, "look at me; I've got a thesaurus" kind of way! It'll be funny!
Dr. Frasier Crane: Funny! Funny! I refuse to engage in a battle of wits with a man who's favorite t-shirt reads "Seattle Hooter Inspector"!
Kate Costas: Afraid of the competition?
Dr. Frasier Crane: I am a doctor, I went to...
[She gives him a look, expecting him to mention Harvard again]
Dr. Frasier Crane: ... medical school! I will not embarass myself by engaging in a grab for ratings.
Kate Costas: You just announced to a half a million listeners that you are filled to the brim with girlish glee, I think the "H.M.S Pinafore" of embarassment has sailed! Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to fire someone.

Bob 'Bulldog' Briscoe: [Bulldog carries on with his show] I asked the Raiders defensive line to describe their tackling skills and here's what they said:
Dr. Frasier Crane: [recording plays] Three little maids from school are we, three little maiddddds from school!

[Frasier's phone rings. Bulldog is calling from his show, using a snooty voice]
Bob 'Bulldog' Briscoe: Hello, this is Dr. Julius Erving. I'm calling for Dr. Niles Crane. His receptionist said he might be there.
Dr. Frasier Crane: I'm sorry, I am expecting him if you'd like to leave a message.
Bob 'Bulldog' Briscoe: No, no, nothing important. Some of the boys here at the club have a little bet going about "The Mikado".
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, perhaps I can help, I'm Niles' brother, Dr. Frasier Crane and as luck would have it, I was in an all-male version of "The Mikado" at Oxford. People still ask to see my "Yum-Yum!"
Bob 'Bulldog' Briscoe: I don't suppose you happen to remember the words to "Three Little Maids"?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, let me see. Of course my falsetto isn't what it used to be, but, um...
[high-pitched voice]
Dr. Frasier Crane: "Three little maids from school are we, prim as a schoolgirl well well be, filled to the brim with girlish glee, three little maids from school!"
[Martin enters with his radio, laughing]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Dad, would you please be quiet? I'm trying to settle a bet here!
Martin: You sure are. Some caller bet Bulldog he couldn't make you sing over the air!
[laughs]
Bob 'Bulldog' Briscoe: [normal voice] Sayonara, Doc!

Martin: You know, we played jokes like this all the time when I was on the force. The day they replaced my bullet proof vest with a big lacey bra, I knew I was one of the guys.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Thank you, Dad. That also clears up a nagging question for me concerning the night you were shot!

Daphne Moon: Come on, Eddie, you love paté. And this is the good stuff.
[Frasier enters]
Daphne Moon: Uh-oh.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Two syllables every homeowner loves to hear upon entering the door. Would that have anything to do with the fact that you're feeding my imported foie gras to a dog?
Daphne Moon: Well, I'm sorry, but it calms him during the thunder.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, well, heaven forbid that Eddie should ever work a nerve! When Niles gets here we'll have sherry and snausages!
Daphne Moon: That reminds me, Dr. Crane will be a bit late. Your father asked him to stop at the vet and pick up some pills for Eddie.
Dr. Frasier Crane: I'm the one who's had a hard day. How come no one ever brings *me* tranquilizers?
Daphne Moon: I've often wondered that meself.

Roz Doyle: Frasier, would you wipe that guilty look off your face? No one even suspects you.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Why not?
Roz Doyle: Because you made such a big deal about how playing pranks was beneath you.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, they're not only beneath me, they're beyond me. I'm going to accept my limitations, and be satisfied to merely be witty and urbane. Even my most barbed comments never drew blood! Oh God, I feel sick.
Roz Doyle: You do? When the lizard threw up her fingertip, who had to pack it in frozen yogurt and rush it down here?


"Frasier: RDWRER (#7.12)" (2000)
Frasier: I can't stand this. Have we so offended the Millennium gods that they will do anything to ruin this evening? Burn down our restaurant? Hurl vindictive lawmen and duplicate Winnebagos in our path to confound us?

Niles: Cancel the millennium! Chez Henri has burned down!
Frasier: Burned down?
Niles: Apparently, Henri was caramelizing a huge crËme brulÈe in the shape of Puget Sound when a sugar spark ignited a thirty foot papier machÈ "Space Needle." They're already calling it the worst centerpiece disaster in the history of Seattle.

Martin: Well, you can't do a U-ey on an interstate.
Frasier: That's twentieth century talk, dad. Welcome to the future.

Roz Doyle: And as for my hangover, it was worth it. I partied my ass off like a brain-damaged test monkey!
Frasier: I see. Well, allow me to congratulate you on your first science-related metaphor.

Daphne Moon: This is for you, from the DMV.
Martin: Oh-ho, I know what this is, the custom plates I ordered for my Winnebago!
[holds them up]
Martin: Yay! Well, fifty bucks, but I think it says it all.
Frasier: "Erd... whirr-er"?
Daphne Moon: "Rid Worry-er"?
Frasier: "Red Wearer"!
Martin: Oh, for God's sake! "Road Warrior!"
Daphne Moon: Of course! For a retired man with a cane and a Winnebago, I don't know why my mind didn't go straight to it.

Frasier: [answers phone] Hello?
Niles: [on phone] Frasier?
Frasier: Yes?
Niles: Niles. Put your fears to rest. I've got Dad's Winnebago back!
Frasier: Niles, what on earth are you talking about? You must've had a nightmare.
Niles: Indeed I have, but it's over now, and I've managed to give the thugs a taste of their own thieving medicine!
Frasier: [sees that Niles is not in the back of the Winnebago and gasps] Niles! Niles, where are you calling from?
Niles: From behind the wheel of the Road Warrior! And doing a damn fine job driving, I might add!
Frasier: But *I'm* in the Road Warrior! You got in the wrong car, you idiot! You've STOLEN a Winnebago!
Niles: Oh, don't be absurd...
[sees pictures of an old lady with her grandkids and a mug reading 'World's Greatest Grandma']


"Frasier: First Do No Harm (#6.5)" (1998)
[Frasier is breaking up with Marie]
Marie: Am I crazy or are you breaking up with me?
Frasier: They're not completely unrelated.

Martin: Well, don't worry, I found a girl for you. Now, Duke's daughter Marie just moved back in town...
Frasier: Dad, blind dates remain the refuge of the lovelorn.
Martin: You know, if you didn't talk like that, you might not have to get set up so much.

[Martin is setting Frasier up with Duke's daughter Marie]
Martin: Duke said she's grown into a real looker.
Frasier: Yes, well I have seen Duke, and unless he sired a love child with Catherine Deneuve, I don't like my odds.
[Marie comes in]
Marie: Uncle Martin.
Martin: Oh, Marie! Look at you! You remember Frasier.
Frasier: Bonjour.

Frasier: You know, you're jealous. You're jealous that I'm having sex. Jealous that I'm having hot, passionate, sweaty jungle sex. What are you having?
[he doesn't notice the waitress behind him]
Niles: I'm having a latte.

Frasier: You know, maybe there's still time to win her back.
Martin: Well, it'd take a pretty big bouquet of flowers to do that.
Frasier: I don't know, Dad. Maybe if I just explain to her what really happened, she'll forgive me. Sometimes the best apology is just the truth.
Niles: You mean you're going to tell her you thought she was prostituting herself for therapy but now you've decided that's OK?
Frasier: ...Well, not that truth. Some other truth.

Frasier: Niles, Marie is a stunning woman with a body to die for. You think all I'm interested in is her mind? How shallow do you think I am?


"Frasier: Good Grief (#6.1)" (1998)
Bob 'Bulldog' Briscoe: Hey doc. Roz. Wait till you hear this. I got a job today.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Really?
Bob 'Bulldog' Briscoe: You ought to rub me for good luck.
Roz Doyle: Where?
Bob 'Bulldog' Briscoe: Well start on my knee, work your way up.
Roz Doyle: Where's the job?
Bob 'Bulldog' Briscoe: Oh, it's this new all-sports station. I got the breakfast slot. I even came up with a slogan: 'Coffee, eggs and Bulldog.'
Dr. Frasier Crane: Sounds like some sort of a Malaysian Happy Meal.

Gil Chesterton: A word of caution on the hummus: To be avoided, as a leper would avoid a magic teacup ride.
Roz Doyle: Gil, Frasier made that.
Gil Chesterton: Oh I'm so sorry.
Dr. Frasier Crane: It's quite all right. I understand. You need to flex your critical muscles while you're between jobs.
Gil Chesterton: Oh good, then you might enjoy this one: After sampling your unnuanced baba ganoush, I was tempted to describe your entire Middle-Eastern buffet as 'The Sorrow and the Pita.' Oh who's got a pencil, I've got to write that one down.

Roz Doyle: [an unemployed Frasier is lying on the couch, sobbing.] Frasier, it's all in how you look at things. Look at my life...
Dr. Frasier Crane: [still crying] No career, no relationship, no hope!
Roz Doyle: You can say the same thing about me.
Dr. Frasier Crane: I was talking about you!
[Roz smacks him]
Daphne Moon: Dr. Crane, my Grammy Moon used to say--
[Frasier yells loudly.]
Martin Crane: What are you trying to do, kill him?

Dr. Frasier Crane: I am going to get another job. The people of this city need me. I'm a beloved Seattle institution.
Martin Crane: [aside] A couple more days like this, he's gonna be *in* a beloved Seattle institution.

Dr. Frasier Crane: You're just in time, I'm throwing a party for my fan club.
Martin Crane: Here?
Dr. Niles Crane: Is there some problem with the bridge they normally meet under?

Dr. Frasier Crane: [sending Daphne to the storage room with a heavy box she just brought up] Thank you, Daphne, and when you're done with that I need you to run some errands for me. I need a very sturdy lemon zester, some more music paper some potting soil, and an easel.
Daphne Moon: Oh, be happy to!
[Niles comes in behind her]
Daphne Moon: Then after that maybe I can draw a bath, strip you naked and scrub you with a loofah, would that be alright, Dr. Crane?
Dr. Niles Crane: Yes.
Daphne Moon: [turns around and laughs] Oh, I didn't even see you standing there!


"Frasier: Wheels of Fortune (#9.16)" (2002)
Frasier: Now there was a lesson learned.
Martin: Yeah, don't throw a guy out of a wheelchair. Who knew?

Roz Doyle: You got a message: A "Blaine Sternin" called.
Frasier: [quickly rising out of his seat] Blaine Sternin? Call him back; tell him I'm dead.
Roz Doyle: Sternin... Is he related to Lilith?
Frasier: Yes. He's Lilith's half-brother, the curse of the family. What does it say when Lilith is the good one?
Roz Doyle: He sounded charming on the phone.
Frasier: Well, of course he sounded charming. Charm is the viscous grease with which he oils his flim-flam machine.

Frasier: Oh, dear God.
Roz Doyle: What?
Frasier: This number he left: It's local. The beast walks among us.

Frasier: Bravo, Blaine. This is the best one yet, but you forget with whom you're dealing. I've seen it all.
Daphne Moon: Dr. Crane, the man is in a wheelchair!
Frasier: Which means that somewhere, someone is missing a wheelchair!

Frasier: You've just witnessed the first step in the Blaine Sternin long con. He sets you up, sucks you in, and then, bam! Kelp futures!

Daphne Moon: Well, Dr. Crane, you needn't worry about Blaine asking you for money anymore. He's received the thousand dollars he needs for Sunday.
Frasier: What nitwit gave him a thousand dollars?
Dr. Niles Crane: Now, Frasier, that's not fair. Perhaps whoever did it simply has a kind heart and a trusting nature that I, for one, find refreshing.
Frasier: Oh, Daphne.


"Frasier: Halloween (#5.3)" (1997)
Niles: Pardon me, I need a moment alone with my brother.
Frasier: Not now, Niles. I'm doing really well here. This pointy hat is a babe magnet.

Daphne: Join me in my bedchamber, my lord?
Frasier: After you, my juicy wench!
Niles: "My juicy wench?"
[into phone]
Niles: No, no, not you, Maris! Wait, wait!
[to Frasier]
Niles: I hope you're happy, she's run for her water pills!

Roz: No one is more careful than I am when it comes to birth control. But then again, even the best protection is only effective ninety-nine out of a hundred times. I can't beat those odds.
Frasier: Yes, I suppose you've been dodging that bullet for a long time now.

Frasier: Oh, Roz! Oh, I'm so glad you came! Any word from the doctor?
Roz: No, and I am going crazy. I can't even picture myself as a mother, can you?
Frasier: [she removes her trench coat; she's decked out in a saucy black leather S&M outfit.] Well, I don't think discipline will be a problem.

Frasier: Daphne, have you seen Roz?
Daphne: Probably on the phone. Seems like every fifteen minutes she's calling her machine again. This little accident's got her pretty worried.
Frasier: She told you about it?
Niles: [tipsy, with two glasses] Champagne?
Frasier: Oh, not now, Niles. Excuse us, we need a moment alone.
[He pulls Daphne aside to a corner of the room.]
Daphne: Roz told me all about it. It's no big deal. Accidents happen even when you're being careful. I had one meself a few years back.
Frasier: Oh, Daphne, really?
Daphne: Yeah. It was one of those real wham-bam numbers. He was drunk and I wasn't paying attention...
Frasier: Oh...
Daphne: I called and called, but never got a penny out of him.
Frasier: I had no idea!
Daphne: Oh, it's not that bad. For goodness' sake, back in Manchester, what with all those drunken louts out and about, it must have happened to me at least a dozen times.

Frasier: Roz, who's on the line?
Roz: On line 4, we have, uh, Ted, who is feeling a little disconnected.
Frasier: Go ahead, Ted.
[Roz tries to put Ted on the phone, but accidentally hangs up on him instead]
Frasier: Well, I hope Ted appreciates irony.


"Frasier: Adventures in Paradise: Part 2 (#2.9)" (1994)
Frasier: [to Lilith, his ex-wife] My God, woman, I'd drive a stake through your heart, but I don't think anything could kill you.

[Lilith has just introduced her boyfriend, Brian, to Frasier]
Dr. Lilith Sternin: Brian is a seismologist at MIT.
Frasier: Oh, well, that's perfect: Brian, being a seismologist, and you, having so many faults.

Frasier: Everyone, we have some very happy news: Lilith is going to be married again.
Martin Crane: [hesitantly] To who?
Frasier: Someone else.
Martin Crane: [tosses aside his cane and rushes across the room to Lilith] Oh, that's great! Congratulations! Wonderful!

Dr. Lilith Sternin: To Frasier on his meeting of her new boy friend. Brian is a seismologist at M.I.T.
Frasier: Oh, well that's perfect; Brian being a seismologist and you having so many faults.

Frasier: [to Lilith, thinking she's Meredith] Put down that mango, my dear. It's time you tasted the forbidden fruit.
[Lilith stands up and turns around]
Frasier: YAAAAAHHHHHH!

Frasier: [surprised to see Lilith in Bora Bora] Are you here with someone?
Dr. Lilith Sternin: Yes, actually. He's snorkeling at the moment.
Frasier: Anyone I know?
Dr. Lilith Sternin: Sam Malone.
Frasier: SAM?
Dr. Lilith Sternin: Just kidding.


"Frasier: The Adventures of Bad Boy and Dirty Girl (#3.7)" (1995)
Dr. Frasier Crane: Daphne, how about a woman's perspective? Let's just say, for argument's sake, that you and I succumbed to a night of passion...
Daphne Moon: What, you and me?
[laughs]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes!
Daphne Moon: What - bosoms heaving, shirt buttons catapulting through the air?
Dr. Frasier Crane: [annoyed] It's a hypothetical question!
Daphne Moon: I'll say it is!
[laughs again]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, all right, somebody else! So, you have a mad tryst with this young man and then the next day he says that he thinks things are going too fast; he'd like to slow down. What would you say?
Daphne Moon: I suppose I'd say: "Thanks for being honest. Probably right, we were moving fast."
[suddenly bitter]
Daphne Moon: "Not that it was too fast for you last night... Ooooh, no, we were right on schedule then, weren't we?"
[Martin, disturbed, turns around in his armchair and stares at her]
Daphne Moon: But, now you've had your fun, though not too much apparently, and you want to be my friend-"
[angry]
Daphne Moon: "Well, you can just SOD OFF, Trevor Mulgrew!"
[She calms down and notices that Frasier and Martin are staring at her]
Daphne Moon: You know, I think I might have some buttons for this shirt.
[walks out]

Roz Doyle: [In the studio the morning after Frasier's on-air romp with Kate] Okay, *Fabio.* I want two things. One: you will never make another crack about my sex life. I don't care if I start dating a lumber camp.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Done.
Roz Doyle: And two: Who's 'Dirty Girl'?
[smiles]
Dr. Frasier Crane: I *can't* tell you that.
Roz Doyle: Oh, come on, Frasier! I swear, I won't tell a soul!
[the phone rings. Roz answers it]
Roz Doyle: Yes?
[turns away from Frasier]
Roz Doyle: Not yet, I'll call you back.
[She puts the phone down and gets a glare from Frasier. Bulldog enters]
Bob 'Bulldog' Briscoe: Doc? I got one thing to say to you.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Go ahead, take your best shot.
Bob 'Bulldog' Briscoe: [in genuine admiration] I am so proud of you, man!
[He hugs a very unmoved Frasier]
Dr. Frasier Crane: [sarcastic] Well, doesn't that just put the cherry on the parfait.
Bob 'Bulldog' Briscoe: Now come on, you gotta tell me - who's the mystery chick?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Bulldog, haven't you already seen?
[points to newspapers]
Dr. Frasier Crane: I've told half a dozen reporters that I'm not going to name names.
Roz Doyle: [picks up a newspaper and shows it to Bulldog] Don't you see this right here?
[reads]
Roz Doyle: 'I Won't Fink, Says Kinky Shrink.'
[Roz and Bulldog laugh; Frasier looks fed up. Roz leaves for her booth. A very uncomfortable-looking Kate creeps in through the side door]
Kate Costas: Good afternoon, Dr Crane.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Ms. Costas.
Bob 'Bulldog' Briscoe: [to Kate] Hey, hey, you're the boss - make him tell who his playmate was.
Kate Costas: [pained] Bulldog, this is really none of your business.
Bob 'Bulldog' Briscoe: Oh, but we got a pool going. So far, hot money's on Roz.
[Roz, who has just returned, is outraged]
Roz Doyle: What? Oh, well, thank you, but I think I have a little more self-respect than to have a quickie with a co-worker on the air! What kind of slut do they think I am?
[Kate looks extremely uncomfortable]
Kate Costas: Dr Crane, could I have a word with you in private?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Er, I'd love that, but I, I've got my show in two minutes.
Kate Costas: Actually you don't. I'm suspending you for a week. Bulldog, you're going on. Roz - you'll have to produce.
Bob 'Bulldog' Briscoe: All right!
[He slaps Roz's butt enthusiastically; Roz hits him in the stomach with her clipboard]
Dr. Frasier Crane: [to Kate] I must say, I find that a, a bit harsh, all things considered.
Kate Costas: Yes, I can see how you might feel that way. But the station does have certain standards and it is my job to enforce them. Now if you will excuse me, I have to meet with one of last night's sponsors - The Wholesome Family Cookie Company.
[She leaves]

[Martin and Daphne are playing dominoes and listening to the radio]
Announcer: In local news, Congressman Robert Gill was accused of taking bribes from a waste treatment facility. Asked to comment, the Congressman said...
[Frasier's voice cuts in]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes! YES! I am a bad boy, aren't I, you dirty girl! Come to your bad boy, oh *yes*...!
[Martin and Daphne stare at the radio; cut to Niles, listening to this in his car]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, no! Is that the on-air light?
Kate Costas: Stop talking.
Dr. Frasier Crane: You must have hit the switch with your elbow while we were...
Kate Costas: Stop talking.
Dr. Frasier Crane: We'd better hurry up and get dressed before...
Niles: STOP TALKING!
[distracted, he looks up, and brakes hard, but crashes into the car in front of him]

Dr. Frasier Crane: I have to tell you, last night was one of the greatest nights of lovemaking I've had since... Roz!
Kate Costas: Tell me she just walked in.
[Roz walks in behind Kate]

[Kate assigns Frasier to work the 8-10 shift]
Roz Doyle: She thinks we're all as happy to work at night as she is. You're a psychiatrist, Frasier. She's a cold, repressed workaholic who has no sex life whatsoever. Can't you help her?
Dr. Frasier Crane: [deadpan] I've tried, Roz.

Dr. Frasier Crane: Why do we bother having a service elevator? I just rode up nineteen floors with two sweaty moving men, munching on chili dogs, which they proceeded to drip onto my suede shoes! How will I ever get that stain out?
[Eddie runs over and helpfully begins to lick Frasier's shoes]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Ah, yes. Dog saliva: Nature's miracle solvent!


"Frasier: Duke's, We Hardly Knew Ye (#2.5)" (1994)
Frasier: What say we go celebrate with a nice dinner at an exclusive boite?
Niles: Yes, but the question remains, what boite?
Frasier: Charise?
Niles: Too noisy.
Frasier: Alsace?
Niles: Too bright.
Frasier: Papillion?
Niles: Too crowded.
Frasier: We've run out of boites.
Niles: A city this size and only three boites.
Frasier: How do we live?

Daphne: If you ask me, you Americans have an unhealthy obsession with sex.
Martin: Hey, I'm sorry we can't all be as chaste and restrained as the Royal Family!
Frasier: Good one, Dad!
Martin: I've been saving it!

Frasier: Hi Dad, what are you doing up?
Martin: I reached over in my sleep and Eddie wasn't there.
Frasier: You need a woman, Dad.

Frasier: [seeing Daphne with her clothes in disarray] Apparently, in England, it's the fourth date.

Niles: [smelling Daphne's perfume] Is that "Forbidden"?
Frasier: In every sense of the word.

[Frasier and Niles wonder why Martin invited them to Duke's Bar]
Daphne: Could it be that he just wants to lift a pint with his sons?
Niles: No. Duke's is where dad hangs out with his cop buddies. It's where he goes to escape the stresses, strains, and petty annoyances of everyday life.
Frasier: In other words, us.


"Frasier: Here's Looking at You (#1.5)" (1993)
Martin: She's not my girlfriend.
Frasier: Oh please. You two have been exchanging notes for the last three days. If you were in the sixth grade, you'd be sitting in a tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G.

Martin: How's Freddie?
Frasier: Oh, Frederick is fine. Oh, he sends his love. He said to thank you for the toy gun you gave him. At least what he can remember of it before Lilith smashed it to bits with a croquet mallet.

Martin: Thanks, Frasier. You know, I guess I don't say it often enough but you're a good kid.
Frasier: Well, thanks Dad. You know, there's something I don't say often enough...
Martin: There's nothing you don't say often enough.

Martin: Well, it's a long time since I've been dating. Have things changed much in the last forty years?
Frasier: Well, the wardrobe's a little different, but... your ultimate goal is still the same.

Frasier: Now let's see, you got a hanky in there?
Martin: Yep.
Frasier: Terrific, alright. Have you got your keys?
Martin: Yeah.
Frasier: You're not going to be out too late, are you?
Martin: Frasier...!
Frasier: Dad, I'm just busting your chops here.

Frasier: [on the phone with his son] Now calm down son, listen to daddy. It's just a bad dream. I promise you, Senator Thurmond is not in your closet. That's a good boy. Yes, okay you go back to bed now.


"Frasier: Someone to Watch Over Me (#2.19)" (1995)
Niles: Well, as some illustrious person said, "popularity is the hallmark of mediocrity."
Frasier: You just made that up, didn't you?
Niles: Yes, but I stand by it.

Frasier: Dad, she's not a wierdo. She's simply a woman who finds me utterly fascinating.
Niles: And the distinction would be?

Frasier: [about Roz's facial blemish] Have you considered wearing a beekeeper's mask?
Roz Doyle: Do I make fun of that Astrodome you call a forehead?

Frasier: [answering door] Who is it?
Niles: Lizzie Borden, I want you to autograph my hatchet.

Frasier: Do you find tea works on your forehead?
Roz Doyle: No, I just found a bag that matches my shoes.

Frasier: Well, you're a fountain of comfort this evening!
Niles: Oh, I'm just teasing. If you must know, I'm a little jealous. I told Maris about your troubles. All she does is sulk and talk about bodyguards. "Why don't we need one? Aren't we important enough to be stalked?" I have no idea what to say to the poor woman.
Martin Crane: Tell her to just go on being herself and her day will come.


"Frasier: The Late Dr. Crane (#7.8)" (1999)
[Maris had a surgical procedure called botox injections]
Niles: They use those toxins that you put in the forehead, it deadens the muscles and takes away the wrinkles. I gave it to her as a gift one year for our anniversary.
Frasier: Oh, yes, probably your tenth. That's toxins, isn't it?

[Frasier was mistakenly thought dead for a day]
Martin: Boy, everybody was so nice to me, buying me beers and everything. You know, because of the shock I went through thinking I'd lost my son.
Frasier: Dad, what are you talking about? You didn't think I was dead.
Martin: Well, people don't have to know that. I could have been at home alone, wondering where you were and I get this strange uneasy feeling so I turn on the TV, and there it is, on the screen: the face of my dead son.
Frasier: But I was sitting right beside you.
Martin: What kinda story is that?
Frasier: It's the truth.
Martin: Well, the truth doesn't put anything on a coaster.

Frasier: What, don't you think I can do any of these things?
Martin: No, I think you can do anything you put your mind to, Frasier. You always have.
Frasier: Thank you, Dad.
Martin: I just wonder about all these projects.
Frasier: Well, as I said, I am streamlining.
Martin: You know, I think what you discovered this week is that something's missing from your life. And before you start to fill it up with everything but the kitchen sink, I thought you ought to just ask yourself, "what do I really want? What is really going to make me happy... now?"
[pause]
Martin: Well, that's weird. I suddenly feel like having a beer.

Niles: Are you all right?
Frasier: Yes. Thank goodness your fist softened the blow of the airbag.

Frasier: [reading obituary in newspaper] It's just a little upsetting.
Roz Doyle: Well, I don't think they meant to be insulting. You are lovably pompous.

Frasier: [referring to Mel] Well, she seems a bit much.
Martin: What do you mean?
Frasier: Well, dining on the terrace, you have to know the owner. Doesn't she remind you of someone?
Martin: Yeah, you.


"Frasier: Adventures in Paradise: Part 1 (#2.8)" (1994)
Dr. Frasier Crane: You know, I haven't said this out loud, but here goes: she may very well be the woman I spend the rest of my life with.
Roz Doyle: Go. Go do that. Get married, have a couple of kids, move out to the country, buy a puppy, live happily ever after! Just don't tell me about it, I need a boyfriend!
Dr. Frasier Crane: Dear Roz. Dear, silly Roz. Dear, silly, horny Roz.

Dr. Frasier Crane: [dressing for his date] Damn it! Eddie, I know you took the socks that go with this suit. Now where are they?
[Eddie pulls a pair of brown socks from under the couch]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Brown socks with a blue suit? I think not. Try again.
[Eddie pulls a pair of black ones from under the cushions. Frasier dresses]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes, well, I'm off! You know, I have a good feeling about tonight. I have a song in my heart, a little dance in my step, and dog saliva around my ankles!

[a scene erupts in the restaurant where Frasier and Madeline are dining, when the owner's daughter tells him she's pregnant]
Ettienne: Are you going to tell me?
Yvette: No, no!
Dr. Frasier Crane: You know, there's a clam house up the road that has a late seating...
Madeleine: Oh no, I think we're getting the most bang for our entertainment buck right here.

[as the restaurant owner's wife leads her daughter out of the kitchen, and calls her husband out as well]
Dr. Frasier Crane: No, no, listen, if-if everyone comes out here, how will you know when our duck is crispy?

[Ettienne is enraged on finding out his daughter is pregnant]
Dr. Frasier Crane: All right, silence! Silence! Both of you just try to calm down. I'll see what I can do. Monsieur Degas, you are angry now. That is a temporary emotion. You are devastated because you think the bond between a father and a daughter has been broken. She is no longer your little girl. But that's not possible. That bond cannot be broken...
[indicates the busboy cowering in the corner]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Not even by that young man cowering there in the corner who is so obviously the father.

[while Daphne is teaching Niles to blow smoke rings, Frasier comes in and sees her puckering her mouth close to his]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Niles, what are you doing?
Dr. Niles Crane: I'm learning how to blow smoke.
Dr. Frasier Crane: *Where*?


"Frasier: Call Me Irresponsible (#1.7)" (1993)
Niles: I'll dispense with the usual adolescent teasing and come straight to the point: who was that babe-o-rama?
Frasier: Niles, please don't try to be hip. You remind me of Bob Hope when he dresses up as the Fonz.

Marco: I guess I'm just waiting until somebody better comes along.
Frasier: Until somebody better comes along? Marco! Marco! Marco! Do you hear yourself?
Marco: No, I turned my radio down after you blasted that other guy.

Catherine: Are you saying that the thought of making love to me makes you sick to your stomach?
Frasier: Yes, but don't take it personally.

Frasier: How I envy you, Eddie. The biggest questions in your life are, "Who's going to walk me? Who's going to feed me?" I won't know that kind of joy for another forty years.

[Frasier is appalled at his caller, Marco, saying he doesn't want to commit to his girlfriend "in case somebody better comes along."]
Frasier: Tell me listeners, what is it with guys like that? Hey Roz, you've been around the block a few times. You ever run into a guy like Marco?
Roz Doyle: Oh, they're all Marcos. You can't swing a dead cat without hitting a Marco.
Frasier: Come on. I mean, if that were so, then no-one would be having a relationship.
Roz Doyle: Well, I'm not. My sister's not. None of my friends are. I've seen the future, and its name is Marco.

[Though it's October 21st, Martin and Daphne decorate the apartment for Christmas, to take the picture for their cards]
Daphne Moon: [looking at the tree] Oh, it's lovely.
Daphne Moon, Martin Crane: [singing] Deck the halls with boughs of holly, fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la...!
[Frasier comes in from his nap]
Frasier: Excuse me, excuse me... exactly how long have I been asleep?


"Frasier: Roz in the Doghouse (#2.12)" (1995)
Daphne: I don't see what's so hard about telling Roz you were wrong.
Frasier: You don't understand. It's not the same as Dad being wrong, or your being wrong. I have a degree from Harvard. Whenever I'm wrong, the world makes a little less sense.

Martin Crane: If you weren't so damn stubborn, you'd apologize to Roz, get her back on the show, and everybody'd be happy.
Frasier: As usual, you've overlooked a key psychological component in this whole issue.
Martin Crane: You'd have to admit you were wrong.
Frasier: Exactly!

Frasier: To think he does it all without steroids.

Dr. Niles Crane: You think you had a bad week? This morning, Maris and I woke to the sound of our gardener Yoshi hacking his way through our prized topiary.
Frasier: Well Niles, I've never understood why you wanted your hedges to be sculpted into the shapes of animals.
Dr. Niles Crane: Well, we're both animal lovers, but Maris is unable to have pets. She
[short pause]
Dr. Niles Crane: ... distrusts anything that loves her unconditionally.

Frasier: [Frasier enters Roz's apartment, carrying a white box] Hi, Roz. How were things at the emergency room?
Roz: Frustrating. You know how it is - you're sitting there in complete agony and every crybaby with a gunshot wound waltzes right in ahead of you. How was it after I left?
Frasier: It was OK. Weird Bruce from Engineering took over for you.
[looking around]
Frasier: That's quite a boot collection. Wouldn't it be easier just to put notches in your bed post?
Roz: Those are mine. You hate the way I've decorated, don't you?
Frasier: No, no. Matter of fact, I admire your courage.
Roz: Is that for me?
Frasier: Oh, yes.
[hands box to her]
Frasier: Freud said that there are only two things we need to make us happy: work and love.
Roz: Aw, thanks, Frasier!
[opens the box]
Roz: So you brought me work.
Frasier: Well, I thought answering some of the fan mail that had been piling up would give you something to do. And remember, this time death threats don't get photos.

Frasier: Oh, Roz, Bulldog knows the blunt approach won't work with you, so he's being more subtle. But, his ultimate goal remains to... well, to...
Roz: [sharply] To what?
Dr. Niles Crane: To play Æneas to your Dido.
[pause]
Dr. Niles Crane: Sorry you had to hear that, Daphne.


"Frasier: Travels with Martin (#1.21)" (1994)
[Frasier agrees to go on a Winnebago trip with Martin]
Frasier: You've got to come with us!
Niles: Frasier, you're my brother. That entitles you to my bone marrow and one of my kidneys, but *this* is an imposition!

[driving a Winnebago]
Daphne: How does it feel behind that wheel, Dr. Crane?
Frasier: Manly! This is mine, and it's big!

[on a Winnebago vacation]
Martin: Remember the old days, Niles? When they were kids, all they had in the back seat was a mayonnaise jar!
Frasier: Yes, it took quite a bit of skill to use it successfully at seventy miles per hour! Never really been fond of mayonnaise since.
Niles: Or speed bumps.

Frasier: I plan to leave Dad and Eddie to fend for themselves while I go off and spend an obscene amount of money being pampered like a spoiled child. I know it's self-indulgent, but what else are vacations for? By the way, what are you doing for your week off?
Roz: Oh, I'm taking my mom to Ireland to stay in the sod house where her mother was born.
Frasier: Why don't you just write the words "bad son" on my forehead!

[the Cranes have to smuggle Daphne across the border from Canada, pretending she's American]
Daphne: Bloody right! It beats havin' me bum bounced back across the pond. Let's give it a bash.
Frasier: Oh, yes. This is foolproof.

Martin: You know, Fras, I gotta admit it. Sometimes when we're alone together, I just don't know what to say. I'm sure you figured out that's why I invited Daphne along.
Frasier: Well, I had my suspicions, but I'd hoped I was wrong...
Martin: Oh, come on, that's why you invited Niles along.
Frasier: [re: Daphne] Well, that's why I invited him, but that's not why he came.
[they laugh]


"Frasier: You Can Go Home Again (#3.24)" (1996)
[Daphne is torn about where to go for her vacation]
Frasier: Daphne? I was thinking about our conversation earlier today, and I've decided to give you an extra week off. That way you can go to Manchester, *and* Acapulco.
Daphne: Oh, that is so sweet! You must really think I should go home.
Frasier: Well, I've just realized that being part of a family is really worth the effort. And, sometimes the effort... means you'll need a week in Acapulco.

[before sitting in the cafe, Niles is using his handkerchief to wipe his chair clean]
Frasier: [to Niles] I remember your fourth birthday party. Grandmother took us to the park to ride the carousel, and you made all those little children wait while you wiped off your painted pony.
Dr. Niles Crane: I was wearing Bermuda shorts and that saddle was slick with toddler sweat!

Daphne: Oh, Dr. Crane, why is it so easy to love our families, yet so hard to like them?
Frasier: Well, Daphne, that is one of those questions that makes life so rich... and psychiatrists richer.

[Frasier sits down to listen to the tape of his first broadcast]
Frasier: [on tape] Good afternoon, Seattle. My name is Dr. Frasier Crane. If you can feel, I can heal.
Frasier: [sighs] Fasten your seat belt, Eddie. It's going to be a bumpy ride.

Dr. Niles Crane: Frasier, Dad tells me that today is your three-year anniversary, so we're going to take you out to dinner.
Frasier: Well, thank you. Dad, how did you know?
Martin Crane: Oh, I heard that woman who called in.
Frasier: [surprised] You listened to my show?
Martin Crane: Well, sort of... I fell asleep during the Mariners game. But when I woke up, you were on.
Frasier: And you didn't turn me off?
Martin Crane: I did not! I listened to you for ten minutes before I finally dozed off again.
[laughs]
Frasier: Faint praise, and yet it thunders in my ears.

Roz: Look, Dr. Crane, I got to be honest with you here. It's just that I think psychiatry is, just, sort of, kind of... bull.
Frasier: Oh well, this is a match made in heaven then, isn't it?
Roz: Oh, don't be offended...
Frasier: "Don't be offended"? Why should I be offended? In the last week I've uprooted myself from my home of fifteen years, moved all the way across the country away from everything I care about, and plunged myself into a frightening new career. In the first few nerve-wracking moments, I walk in here and find my producer lobbying to get herself transferred to another show. Abe Lincoln had a brighter future when he picked up his tickets at the box office!


"Frasier: Ham Radio (#4.18)" (1997)
Daphne: [rehearsing for a radio play] Sound of door opening.
Roz: [with a mouthful of food] Infpactar, fhank goddies oo cam.
Frasier: Stop the watch. Roz, I have a line here that says, "When she opened her lips I caught a hint of some mixed exotic accent." You will notice it does not say, "When she opened her lips cheese fell out".

Gil Chesterton: [Gil's 'Boyhood in Surrey' speech has been cut from the radio mystery] I'm dying...
Frasier: Poor man was gone.
Gil Chesterton: Never again to revisit the scene of my boyhood in Surrey
[makes triumphant face at Frasier]
Gil Chesterton: , romping with my schoolchums in the thins and spinneys...
Frasier: [fake gunshot] Just then, the lights went out again. Nigel Fairservice was shot again!
Gil Chesterton: Only grazed me! When the twilight bathed the hedgerows like a lum...
Frasier: [fake gunshot] The final bullet blew his head clean off his shoulders!

Frasier: The people of Dad's generation would sit around the radio every night, absolutely mesmerized.
Martin: We were a simple people.

Frasier: I spoke with the station manager. He's given me thirty minutes to recreate the very first mystery KACL ever aired, "Nightmare Inn".
Martin: Oh, don't tell me... a bunch of people get caught in a storm, and everybody's wondering who's going to be the first one murdered.
Frasier: Exactly. And I'm going to direct.
Dr. Niles Crane: So we can stop wondering.

Frasier: [Frasier is directing a rehearsal of "Nightmare Inn" in his living room] I'm still not entirely happy with the second McAllister sister. She doesn't sound spinsterish enough for me.
Mel White: I see. You also told me that me gamekeeper sounded too cultured, that my Irishman sounded more Protestant than Catholic, and that my dwarf was too tall.
[walks to the front door]
Mel White: Let me try Hans again; tell me how my German is sounding.
[opens the door]
Mel White: I qvit!
[walks out, slamming door]

Frasier: [finishing his broadcast] Well, that's our show for today, but let me remind you to tune in on Saturday night for KACL's presentation of "Nightmare Inn". Just set your dials for goosebumps. Till then, this is Dr. Frasier Crane reminding you that you never know what's lurking in the shadows.
[laughs diabolically, goes off-air]
Roz: Well, that should certainly comfort the woman who called in about her paranoia.


"Frasier: Merry Christmas, Mrs. Moskowitz (#6.10)" (1998)
Frasier: They're both popping up on the way to the airport. I guess someone wanted to rack up a few more frequent Frasier miles.
[he and Niles laugh, then Niles leans in]
Niles: You don't ever actually say those things to the woman, do you?
Frasier: Oh no, no.

Helen Moskowitz: [Frasier is giving Faye and Helen a tour of his apartment] That's a beautiful bedroom.
Frasier: Oh, thank you, thank you very much!
Helen Moskowitz: I noticed you were sort of quiet, Faye, almost as though you've been in there before.
Faye Moskowitz: [sarcastic] Oh yeah, I had, Ma, but I was drunk and it was dark; I don't remember so much.
Helen Moskowitz: You see how she talks to her mother, oy!

Niles: What's going on?
Frasier: Faye's mother thinks that we're Jewish, just play along.
Niles: Okay...why?
Frasier: Well, it's important to Faye; Faye is important to me. Do you think you can pull it off?
Niles: No problem.
[checks oven]
Niles: Ohhh, ham!
Frasier: Niles, Please! We've got to find a time to tell Dad about this, too.
Niles: You mean Papa.
Frasier: Stop it!

Frasier: [Roz asks about Frasier's son visiting for Christmas] Oh no, Frederick won't be joining me this year. He's spending his vacation on an archaeological tour with Lilith.
Roz Doyle: Spending Christmas with dried up, old bones?
Frasier: I thought I told you: she's taking him on an archaeological tour!

Helen Moskowitz: So Fraiser, you grew up in Seattle?
Frasier: Yes, as a matter of fact I did.
Helen Moskowitz: Such a pretty city. I guess you were barmitzvahed here?
Frasier: Oh yes, yes of course. What a proud day that was. I can still remember reading from the Torah... before the Rabbi... the Cantor... and uh, the Mohel...
Helen Moskowitz: The Mohel?
Faye Moskowitz: The one who did your circumcision?
Frasier: Uh Yes! Yes, I just wanted to show him that there were no hard feelings.


"Frasier: The Two Mrs. Cranes (#4.1)" (1996)
Gil Chesterton: Brilliant show, Frasier! Chock full of pithy insight.
Dr. Frasier Crane: What do you want?
Gil Chesterton: A favor. Bonnie Weems, the Auto Lady, just asked me to another one of her wretched dinner parties. Well, I was planning on saying that you and I have ballet tickets, so do back me up.
Dr. Frasier Crane: I'm sorry, I can't.
Gil Chesterton: Oh, but you've got to! Have you any idea how vile her food is? The local raccoons have posted warning signs on her trash bins!
Dr. Frasier Crane: You see, she already invited me, and I told her I promised my father I'd drive him to his army reunion at Rattlesnake Ridge.
Gil Chesterton: Oh, very clever. Well, I'd use it myself, but I killed my father off to escape her Labor Day clambake.

Dr. Frasier Crane: Roz, listen, I'm going to the opera tonight. You didn't happen to remember to bring my...
Roz Doyle: Oh, your opera glasses! I'm so sorry, they completely slipped my mind.
Dr. Frasier Crane: I wouldn't really mind, if you hadn't borrowed them just to ogle that bodybuilder that moved in across the street.
Roz Doyle: Hey, I've just looked once or twice. It's not like I copied his name off his mailbox, so I could look up his number and call him while he was in the shower, so I could watch him cross the room naked to answer the phone in front of the picture window. That would be wrong.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Look, I want them back. I refuse to squint through Pagliacci while you're trying to watch "The Magic Flute!"

Daphne: You get rid of her now, or it's Rattlesnake Ridge for you.
Dr. Frasier Crane: You wouldn't!
Daphne: Oh, wouldn't I? And by the way, Stinky needs a ride.
[Frasier gasps]

[Frasier is unaware Daphne is pretending to be married to Niles, so he assumes Clive is referring to Maris]
Dr. Frasier Crane: You've met Mrs. Crane?
Clive: She sure lights up a room, doesn't she?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes. Usually by leaving it.

Martin: What the hell is going on here?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Clive is Daphne's old boyfriend. She's trying to let him down easily by pretending to be married to Niles.
Niles: This is *my* place. Frasier's staying here temporarily because he's separated from Maris.
Martin: [to Frasier] You couldn't stand her either, huh?


"Frasier: The Gift Horse (#5.2)" (1997)
[in their competition to buy Martin the best gift, Frasier goes overboard and buys an enormous big-screen television]
Dr. Niles Crane: Oh my God, you didn't.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Didn't what? You mean buy dad this television set? Of course I did! It's impressive, isn't it?
Dr. Niles Crane: I knew how jealous you were, but to go to such insane lengths to top me... Frasier, you have lain waste to your apartment with this eyesore!
Dr. Frasier Crane: I disagree! Where you see an eyesore, I see a picture window to a world of art and culture. Just think how a screen this size will enhance the majesty of the Metropolitan Opera. Or the thrilling artists of the Bolshoi!
Dr. Niles Crane: You're quite a Bolshoi artist yourself.

Dr. Niles Crane: Hello, Daphne, Sherry.
[to waitress]
Dr. Niles Crane: Double latte, please.
[sits]
Dr. Niles Crane: Is Frasier with you?
Sherry Dempsey: No, he's out shopping for your dad.
Dr. Niles Crane: That jackal!
[Niles races out of the café. A minute later, Frasier comes in]
Daphne Moon: Dr. Crane, did you find something?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes, I did. It took me most of the afternoon but I finally came up with something I think is just about perfect!
Sherry Dempsey: Oh, Niles forgot his coffee.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Niles was here?
Sherry Dempsey: Yes, but you know, when I mentioned that you were out shopping for your dad he just shot out of here like a bullet...
Dr. Frasier Crane: That little worm!
[Frasier grabs his shopping bag and exits]

[Roz enters the cafe]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, good morning, Roz.
Roz Doyle: Good morning.
[she grabs Frasier and kisses him. He wrestles free]
Dr. Frasier Crane: What the hell was that?
Roz Doyle: [looks behind her] Oh, shoot! He's not even here!
Dr. Frasier Crane: Who?
Roz Doyle: Do you remember that guy who dumped me last month? I thought he was right behind me. I just wanted him to see me with another guy so he'd know how completely over him I am.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Good idea, Roz. If that doesn't work, why don't we get married and have some children, that will really fix his wagon.

[Niles walks in and sees Roz and Frasier kissing]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Hello, Niles. You know, this isn't what it looks like. You see, her ex-boyfriend was just...
[as she keeps nuzzling him]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, just stop that!
Dr. Niles Crane: Please, no explanation necessary. I assume that at the next meeting of Seattle's "Haven't Kissed Roz Club," it will just be me and the Archbishop.
Roz Doyle: I'll save you the club dues.
Dr. Niles Crane: What-?
[Roz kisses Niles and exits]
Dr. Niles Crane: Everyone kisses better than Maris!

Dr. Frasier Crane: [looking at television speakers] Oh dear God! It's Stonehenge!


"Frasier: Something About Dr. Mary (#7.16)" (2000)
Niles: Oh, come now, Frasier. You can't deny a certain measure of guilt living as you do in your exclusive lily-white world.
Frasier: Niles, owning the CD of "Ella Sings Gershwin" does not qualify you as a soul brother.

Frasier: What, am I getting too uppity for you? You sherry-swilling, opera-loving, Armani-wearing elitist. You have no idea how difficult it is for a black woman in a white man's world.

Roz Doyle: Chuck Ranberg said he'd take over for the week.
Frasier: No, no, absolutely not, Roz! The man's speech impediment will make me giggle all week long.
Roz Doyle: Show a little compassion!
Frasier: Oh come on, you try dealing with a call screener who says, "Doctaw Cwane, we have a kweptomaniac on wine fwee."
Roz Doyle: Well, who do you want to use?
Frasier: Well, actually, I was thinking of reaching out to the community. You know, I was guest speaker last month at a program called "Second Start." They offer career training for people who are stuck in tedious, low-paying jobs. And, well, I'd thought I'd give the job to one of those students.
Roz Doyle: That's a great idea, Frasier. Sounds like a great program.
[Chuck enters]
Frasier: Oh, dear, there's Chuck Ranberg. Roz, you've got to tell him he doesn't have the job.
Roz Doyle: Why can't you tell him?
Frasier: I'm sorry, I can't hear the man speak without just descending into giggles!
Roz Doyle: Oh, you are such a child!
Chuck: Hi, guys!
Roz Doyle: Hey, Chuck, how's it going?
Chuck: Oh, tewwible, Woz! My wife was in the Cawwibean and she weft me for a Wastafawian!
[Roz starts laughing uncontrollably as Frasier pats her arm, trying to cover up by pretending she is crying]

Frasier: Thank you for your call, Jill. Well, Chuck, who else is on the line?
Chuck: Well, Doctaw Cwane, we have Winda on wine fwee who bewieves people are waffing at hew!
Frasier: [trying to contain his laughter] Maybe we can just come back to that one, shall we?
Chuck: All witey!

Frasier: A cat can have kittens in the oven, but that don't make 'em biscuits!


"Frasier: Everyone's a Critic (#7.4)" (1999)
Dr. Niles Crane: You conniving copy-cat! You have to have whatever I have.
Dr. Frasier Crane: I don't have what you have. My audience is twice as large as yours is!
Dr. Niles Crane: Well, at least my audience can read!
Dr. Frasier Crane: How dare you review my audience!
Dr. Niles Crane: I'll review anything I want to!

Dr. Niles Crane: Olga and I were up till all hours at a party for the Royal Shakespeare Company. I'm rubbing pretty impressive shoulders these days. And to think it's all because I have a small column.
Dr. Frasier Crane: That would certainly be the Freudian interpretation!

Dr. Niles Crane: You just can't stand it that my opinion means more than yours. That the arts community looks to me for my insight, my approval, my thumbs-up.
Dr. Frasier Crane: I think we both know what your thumb's up these days!

Martin Crane: Remember last week when Eddie killed his first rat? And how proud I was? I told you that story, right?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes, Dad, you told us. If you had a guitar you would have written a ballad.
Martin Crane: Well, we were just down in the basement and I saw another rat. I said, "go get him, boy!" So just as he picked him up, had him in his teeth, shaking the life out of him, and I hear this little bell, ting-a-ling. And I thought, "that's funny - rats don't wear bells!"
Daphne Moon: Oh, little Robbie Greenberg's missing hamster.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes, I read that flyer. He was offering a ten dollar reward.
Martin Crane: Well, the most we can claim at this point is about six-fifty.

Dr. Niles Crane: If it's any consolation, I got fired from "The Monocle."
Dr. Frasier Crane: Niles, I'm sorry.
Dr. Niles Crane: I panned a wretched musical, not realizing the lead was the person who does Olga's hair.
Dr. Frasier Crane: She fired you just to placate her hairdresser?
Dr. Niles Crane: Electrolysist. And if you'd ever seen her in a sundress, you'd forgive her as I have.


"Frasier: Goodnight, Seattle: Part 1 (#11.23)" (2004)
[Bebe tells him she's found a prime offer with another station]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, it's very tempting, Bebe, but I'm very happy here in Seattle. I don't want to leave.
Bebe Glazer: Darling, it's San Francisco! Do you know what life is like there for a good-looking straight man? You'll be like a Snickers bar at a fat camp!

Dr. Frasier Crane: All right, that's it! I want you all out of here! And I do not mean a leisurely exit, I mean a break-neck, trampling-each-other, this-theatre's-on-fire stampede!

Dr. Frasier Crane: [playing Scrabble] Because it's not a word.
Charlotte: Yes, it is.
Dr. Frasier Crane: No, it's not.
Charlotte: Yes, it is.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Use it in a sentence.
Charlotte: "Her grandmother's bed was warm and... quilty."
Dr. Frasier Crane: And why is she lying there? Because she's feeling all "befevered" again?
Charlotte: [smiling sweetly] Could I borrow your "F"? I've got a little message for you.

Dr. Niles Crane: Frasier...!
Dr. Frasier Crane: Niles...!
Dr. Frasier Crane, Dr. Niles Crane: Disaster!

Dr. Frasier Crane: [regarding Daphne's mumbling brother, Stephen] Do you have any idea what he's saying?
Dr. Niles Crane: Not a word. Apparently Stephen was dropped as a child.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, I thought the mumbler was Michael.
Dr. Niles Crane: He was dropped on Michael. The idea that our son might take after them is making me crazy!
Dr. Frasier Crane: Now Niles, just remember, those hearty Crane genes are in there, too.
Dr. Niles Crane: Oh, please. Those Moon genes have probably beaten our genes up and stolen their lunch money!


"Frasier: Father of the Bride (#7.2)" (1999)
Niles: Frasier, do you remember the time the Kreizel brothers tied me to their Great Dane and lobbed meatballs down their gravel driveway?
Frasier: I told you, Niles, I would have helped you, but their sister was holding me down.

Frasier: Daphne, just don't let you mother guilt you into having the wedding she wants instead of the wedding you want.
Daphne: Oh, don't worry, Mum already promised me I could have the wedding I want, as soon as I have a daughter who gets engaged.

Frasier: Just picture it, Daphne. Aren't they something? As you and Donny exit the church one dozen white birds of peace will be released and circle above. Of course, we'll use fourteen in actuality; the power lines always take out a few.

[Frasier breaks the news to Niles about his new girlfriend]
Frasier: She's a prostitute.
Niles: Frasier, I don't like lawyers anymore than you do, but frankly a man whose face is plastered on every bus in town should be careful what terms he bandies about.
Frasier: Niles, "Executive Match" is an escort service! One of Donny's clients was caught using them.
Niles: I don't believe you.
Frasier: Niles, does Sabrina laugh at everything you say, is she fascinated by everything about you, even your collections?
Niles: Well, yes. Actually, I even showed her my rarely-seen collection of eighteenth-century Portuguese bud vases.
Frasier: And how did she react?
Niles: Well, if you must know, she was rather aroused. She said she loved a man who collected porcelain and... Oh my God, I'm dating a whore!

Frasier: [about Donny] He's nothing but a hopeless romantic.
[He opens the door to Donny, who is on his cell phone]
Donny Douglas: Any idiot knows you've got to pay a hooker in cash! I'm at a meeting, I'll call you later, bye.
[hangs up]
Donny Douglas: I've got this client, he's in the middle of a divorce, right? And his wife finds all these charges from this place called "Executive Match." It turns out to be a call girl service. When she gets through with him she'll have his house, his car, she'd have his beach house too if I hadn't already taken it. Women!


"Frasier: Roz's Turn (#4.17)" (1997)
Roz: How could you have done that?
Frasier: Well, it was just an offhand remark, how did I know how she'd react?
Roz: She's Bebe! If you had said you liked my eyes, they would have been on your desk tomorrow in a Tiffany box!

Frasier: Roz, listen to me, for God's sake. If you've got the tiniest shred of sense or dignity left, remember what this woman did to you this afternoon and renounce her. She has no scruples, no ethics, and no reflection.

Roz: It's not like she worships the devil.
Frasier: Well, she doesn't have to. He worships her.

Frasier: [in pirate's voice for Roz's demo tape] Well, when my mates and I put in to port after several weeks at sea, the first thing we do is...
Niles: [in pirate's voice] Head for the antique sales.

Frasier: My God, you should have heard my first audition tape. I was so inept it was incredible.
Roz: That's true.
Frasier: Well... oh, you mean, well, you heard it. Well, all right, so you see...
Roz: There was a bootleg copy floating around the station for months.
Frasier: Well, fine, so you get my point then...
Roz: People still play it at parties.
Frasier: Well, all right, Roz!


"Frasier: When a Man Loves Two Women (#6.21)" (1999)
Frasier: To be fair, she was the first to plant her flag on Terra Frasier.
Niles: I'm starting to think Napoleon had a Frasier complex.

Frasier: Say, Dad, you remember that woman I went out with on Valentine's Day but I wasn't quite sure if it was a romantic thing?
Martin Crane: Yeah, that new publicity woman at the station.
Frasier: Yes, Cassandra Stone. Well, I asked her out again last night and I got my answer.
Martin Crane: Oh, I'm sorry, Fras'.
Frasier: No, I'm not finished!
Martin Crane: That's the spirit. You hang in there.
Daphne Moon: You know, Dr. Crane, someone once said that long periods of abstinence can actually refresh the soul.
Cassandra Stone: [Cassandra enters in a blue robe] Morning, everyone!
Frasier: Yes. Well, that someone was me and I was full of it!

Frasier: Oh, morning, Dad.
Martin Crane: Everything go alright with Faye last night? She didn't take the breakup too hard, did she?
Frasier: Not really.
Martin Crane: Well, I'm sure she realizes, pretty as she is, that she won't be alone for long.
Faye Moskowitz: [Faye enters in the blue robe] Good morning, Martin!
Martin Crane: What'd I tell you?

Frasier: Oh, good morning.
Daphne Moon: Morning.
Martin Crane: I didn't hear you come in last night. You have a date?
Daphne Moon: [Frasier comes back from the kitchen holding up two mugs] Well, I guess that answers that.
Martin Crane: Well, ease up there, Cassandra's a great gal - women like her don't come along every day.
Faye Moskowitz: [Faye enters, wearing the same blue robe Cassandra wore the previous day] Morning!
Daphne Moon: No, they certainly don't!

Frasier: How do you tell somebody that you're attracted to them but you just can't sleep with them?
Roz Doyle: I guess you just say... you just say... I'll ask around.


"Frasier: Come Lie with Me (#3.12)" (1996)
Dr. Frasier Crane: Daphne... you can't go. You have to stay. I've only just recently realised how important you are to us. You see, if you go, Dad and I will kill each other. I'm not just tossing out hyperbole here, I'm speaking in the most literal sense: Dad and I, both dead. Only he'll be lying there with a bacteria-ridden sponge protruding from his mouth like a bloated tongue!

Martin: I just spent five minutes trying to button these pants. That stupid dryer shrunk another pair on me!
Frasier: Dad, before you blame the dryer, have you ever considered stepping on el bathroom scale?
Martin: What's the point? That thing's been ten pounds off for weeks.

Frasier: I was going to ask Daphne not to sleep with Joe in the house. Is that too...
Roz: Amish?
Frasier: I was going to say selfish.
Roz: Oh, let's see. "Please Daphne don't have sex. It disturbs my reading." No, that's not too selfish!

Frasier: What was it like in the old days, when you actually had to get up to change the channel?
Martin: It was hell.

Frasier: I'm getting an estimate on restoring my study.
Martin: Why didn't you use Joe?
Frasier: I think Joe's done enough work in that room.


"Frasier: Roz's Krantz & Gouldenstein Are Dead (#4.15)" (1997)
[Roz is picking up trash on the roadside]
Roz: About a month ago, I got stopped doing sixty in a thirty-mile-an-hour zone. It was either a huge fine or community service. So here I am. It's a nightmare. Breathing exhaust fumes, using a spatula to scrape up road kills...
Frasier: Well, at least look on the bright side. You're outdoors, you can enjoy nature, you're beautifying our highways...
Roz: Frasier, I found an ear!

Norman: Are you here visiting somebody?
Frasier: Oh no. I'm just here with a friend of mine, Roz. She's here doing some community service.
Norman: Ah, the Angel of Death, nice girl.

Frasier: Listen, have you seen Roz? She's late. My show goes on in thirty seconds.
Bulldog: You know what? I'd dump her.
Frasier: That's a little extreme, don't you think?
Bulldog: No. I fire everybody once a year. Housekeepers, personal trainers, phutt. You know, cut them off before they start copping an attitude. Oh, oh, doctors are the worst of all. You pick up the same disease three or four times, they start lecturing you like it's your fault.
[holds up chocolate bar]
Bulldog: Want a bite?
Frasier: Not if you skipped it to me over a pool of disinfectant.

Roz: You should have seen him, Frasier. He was raring to go, he kept bragging about how good he was and how much fun it was going to be, and he dies on me!
Bulldog: Hey, it happens to all guys, okay?
Frasier: Bulldog...
Bulldog: No, no. This is a pet peeve of mine, doc. Why is it always the guy's fault? You know, if you chicks needed a little less booze to get from "maybe" to "yes," we'd be a lot more alert when the moment of truth arrives.
Frasier: Bulldog, Roz was playing checkers with an elderly gentleman and he died.
Bulldog: Oh, well... when I said "We" I didn't mean me, because I don't have that...
[Frasier and Roz just wait]
Bulldog: Hey, you're a doctor, that was confidential!

[last lines]
Frasier: Well, it was great meeting you. Oh, would you like me to leave the light on or off?
Norman: [who's blind] Surprise me.


"Frasier: Mother Load: Part 2 (#9.13)" (2002)
[lamenting Cam Winston's enormous American flag hung from above, which covers every window of Frasier's apartment]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Every time I look outside, I feel like I'm living inside a giant clown's pocket.

Martin Crane: Face it, Fras: Cam's got you on this one. Boy, I have to say, that guy is smart.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, really? Well, if he's so smart and you're so smart, why don't you two live together?
Martin Crane: At least he's got a view.

[late at night, Simon has brought a women to Frasier's apartment]
Dr. Frasier Crane: I'm sorry, miss, but we are not entertaining guests this evening. You'll have to leave.
Loretta: [to Simon] Wait - you told me this was your place. You're probably not even the Duke of England.
Simon Moon: Oh, yeah? Then why do I talk this way?
Simon Moon: [to Frasier] Well, you're just a big contraceptive, aren't you?

Dr. Frasier Crane: I've just about had it with you, Simon. You have blown my speakers, you have clogged my jacuzzi, and you have ingested half of my bath products. You are no longer welcome in my home.
Simon Moon: What, exactly, are you implying?
Dr. Frasier Crane: [shoving Simon through the door] Get out!

[Frasier sits dejectedly on the couch, clutching an empty wine bottle. Daphne walks in, past the American flag covering the windows]
Daphne Moon: Still awake, Dr. Crane?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes. It's almost dawn's early light, and our flag is still there.


"Frasier: The Dog That Rocks the Cradle (#7.5)" (1999)
Daphne: I went to all sorts of funerals as a child. My uncle's a mortician. Lovely man. He's offered to do my make-up for the wedding.
Frasier: I can just hear the whispers now. "Did you see the bride? Very life-like."

Roz: Tell me something, do I have the word "loser" tatooed across my forehead?
Frasier: No, Roz, but there is a rumour about a "Tweety Bird" on your upper thigh.

[Niles picks his cemetery plot]
Niles: McGurk got me a shady spot on the high hill.
Frasier: You mean - ?
Niles: Yes: I'll spend eternity looking down on Maris.
Frasier: Oh, Niles.
Niles: Checkmate.

Roz: [knock at the door] I'm sorry Mrs. Wozniak. I know the balcony is not for sex play.
Frasier: It's Frasier. And by the way - charming.

Roz: You are not gonna believe what just happened. Bulldog just told me he loved me.
Frasier: What?
Roz: Yeah, he made Ted bring me home early. It turns out he's been scaring my dates off all week.
Frasier: Well, what did you say to him?
Roz: I tried to let him down easy. I felt sorry for the guy.
Frasier: Bulldog. Wow, he's full of surprises, isn't he?
Roz: Who'd have thought? You know what's really weird? I'm gonna miss him. Look at this. Never had to worry about Alice, he kept this place so neat, and it was really nice to have someone to... someone to come home to.


"Frasier: Daphne's Room (#2.17)" (1995)
Niles: [Frasier has seen Daphne naked] Frasier I want to help you with this, so you have to tell me everything, every sight, every sound, unburden yourself before you explode!
Frasier: No!
Niles: [getting out a pencil and paper] All right, I'll show you how I've always imagined her and you tell me where I'm wrong.

Niles: Dad, I have never seen Maris this angry. I swear, her eye was twitching like a frog in a science experiment.
Martin: Well, when your mother'd get mad at me, I'd just grab her, bend her backwards, and give her a kiss that made her glad she was a woman!
Niles: I can't do that with Maris; she has an abnormally rigid vertebrae; she'd snap like a twig!
Frasier: Let me guess: Maris has moved into the east wing again?
Niles: Sunday was her 40th birthday. She said in no uncertain terms she wanted no acknowledgement of it whatsoever, and, in a moment I live over and over in my dreams, I believed her.
Frasier: What - no gifts? No party? No nothing?
Niles: Say that weeping into an ermine lap robe and you've got her down perfectly.
Martin: Why don't you just get her a nice bottle of perfume?
Niles: She gets hives.
Martin: How about candy?
Niles: Hypoglycaemic.
Martin: Just get her a dozen roses.
Niles: Allergic.
Frasier: Well listen Niles, why don't you just sit her down and have a little talk with her; tell it was a mistake. We all know she's a bit touchy about her age, even though it's not the first time she's turned forty.

[Daphne is mad at Frasier after he wandered into her bedroom without permission]
Frasier: She goes into my bedroom all the time and it doesn't bother me.
Martin: Women are different.
Frasier: Dad, that is sexism talking.
Martin: No, that's 35 years of marriage talking. Women protect their privacy. You know how they are about their handbags, you never go in there! It's always "bring me my purse." A husband could say "honey, I'm being robbed! The guy's holding a gun to my head, and I don't have any money!" The wife'd say, "bring me my purse."

Frasier: Coffee, Dad?
Martin: Why not? I'm up six times a night anyway, I might as well be alert!

Frasier: Maris was upset with Niles so he bought her a Mercedes.
Roz: Woof!
Frasier: And if you're suggesting that I buy my way out of my problem, the answer is no! It's the coward's way out!
Niles: Oh, so I'm a coward?
Frasier: Yes!
Niles: Well, I'm a coward with a hickey!
Roz: Buy me a Mercedes and I'll make your neck look like a relief map of the Andes.


"Frasier: The Last Time I Saw Maris (#3.8)" (1995)
Noel Shempsky: Hi, Dr. Crane. Could you sign this petition someone "anonymously" posted in the lunchroom? It's to the talented producers of "Star Trek," suggesting a new character.
Dr. Frasier Crane: [reading] "The all-powerful space vixen... Rozalinda, four-breasted queen of the planet Rozniak!" I'll sign that.

[Frasier gets a panic-stricken call from Niles, telling him Maris is missing]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Roz, Roz, how much time left in the show?
Roz Doyle: No, you go, do whatever you have to do, I'll handle things here.
Dr. Frasier Crane: You're sure you can manage?
Roz Doyle: If I can nurse quadruplets and still find time to rule Rozniak, I can do anything!

Dr. Frasier Crane: [to Niles] Yes, you sit at that piano every Sunday morning and play Mahler for Maris. But you hate Mahler. Besides Maris, who doesn't?

Dr. Frasier Crane: [to Niles] Look, all I'm saying is that along with the good things in your marriage there were problems, things you said you couldn't live with anymore. If you want those to change, you have got to stand up to her. If you back down now, you will go through the rest of your life feeling weak and small because you never had the courage to say, "I will not let you treat me like this, Lilith... Maris!" Well, I've lost all credibility here. Dad, would you please say something?

Dr. Frasier Crane: [Frasier is trying to speak to Maris, but Marta won't open the door] Don't ignore me, Marta!
Marta: Go away!
Dr. Frasier Crane: Let me in! I need to speak to Mrs. Crane!
Marta: Missy Crane say no you, Dr. Crane, no other Dr. Crane, and no Crane with a cane.


"Frasier: Four for the Seesaw (#4.13)" (1997)
Frasier: You feel like a new man, don't you?
Niles: I feel like a new woman, and thank God I remembered to pack one!

Frasier: I suppose we could share a table. There's a couple of seats available there.
[He gestures to a table where 2 attractive women are seated]
Niles: Oh good Lord. We can't sit with strange women.
Frasier: Why not? We married strange women.

Niles: Those two are coming on to us.
Frasier: You know, they are very attractive, Niles. Maybe we should ask them out.
Niles: On a date? We just met!
Frasier: [sarcastically] Good point, Niles. Perhaps we should go out with them a few more times before we ask them on a date.

Frasier: Niles, I can't take this anymore.
Niles: These women are as inscrutable as sphinxes.
Frasier: Yes. All we've gotten here are the most veiled, cloaked, cryptic messages. Can't they just give us one clear signal?
Beth Armstrong: [enters] Well, I'm off to bed. Niles, are you coming?
[exits to bedroom]
Niles: [missing the implication] Curse these infernal riddles!
Frasier: Niles!

[Frasier and Niles are trying to figure out if their dates' intentions are platonic or not]
Niles: Oh, I know! Their luggage will tell us! We'll put my bag in with your date's, and your bag in with my date's. They'll see the mistake, and the way they correct it will tell us with whom they're planning to spend the night - each other, or us - and either way, it'll all look like a simple misunderstanding.
Frasier: You've done this before!
Niles: Only on my honeymoon, now hurry.
[They start to move the suitcases, but Frasier stops]
Frasier: Niles, this is idiotic! We're both trained psychiatrists.
Niles: Yes, and finally it's paying off!


"Frasier: Out with Dad (#7.15)" (2000)
[Martin pretends to be Niles's boyfriend to fend off a gay man's advances]
Frasier: I have never been so embarrassed in my life.
Niles: You're embarrassed? They think the best I can do is an old man with a cane.

[Martin is pretending to be gay]
Frasier: So, Niles, actually, you missed a splendid evening at the opera.
Niles: Well, maybe I can catch it this weekend with Mel.
Martin: Oh, and who's Mel?
Niles: Damn you and your jealous questions! You don't own me.

[Niles cancels his night at the opera with Frasier to spend the evening with Mel]
Frasier: I am surprised by your gall! At the last moment, you not only bail on me, you expect me to give up my own ticket?
Niles: Please, Frasier, put yourself in my shoes. I have to do something for Mel. Every restaurant in town has been booked for weeks. I ran into Archie Wilfong today. He told me he had to settle for two seats at the counter at The Salad Experience! What would you suggest I do?
Frasier: Bring your own wine and order the Spicy Caesar!

Frasier: He goes too far!
Roz Doyle: Yeah, some nerve, ditching you to spend Valentine's Day with his girlfriend.
Martin: Look, Frasier, I don't blame you for being a little jealous because he's got someone and you don't...
Frasier: I am not jealous, Dad! I am simply appalled by his rudeness. I was looking forward to this evening. A nice drink, lovely opera, then a late supper... perhaps a beautiful bottle of wine... a delightful dessert souffle... oh, God, I need a woman.

Daphne: How was the opera?
Frasier: Lovely. Get out!
[turns off the TV]
Roz Doyle: Hey, that movie's not over!
Frasier: That's too bad, Roz. There's a stunning woman on her way over here, I don't want her thinking I'm running some kind of maudlin sorority house. Now come on, shake a leg!
Roz Doyle: You actually spoke to her? You didn't wimp out?
Frasier: You have never seen me so suave.
Roz Doyle: Oh, some Valentine's Day! First my date bails on me and now I owe Daphne fifty bucks!


"Frasier: Death and the Dog (#4.12)" (1997)
[talking about death]
Martin: You think about that too? I thought it was just me.
Frasier: Everybody thinks about it.
Martin: Do you lie real still and hold your breath and pretend you're in the ground?
Frasier: No, that's just you.

Frasier: [a doggie shrink has come to examine depressed Eddie] I don't whether my father told you, but my brother and I happen to be psychiatrists.
Dr. Arnold Shaw: Oh, how nice, I always enjoy being in company of colleages.
Niles: I'm sorry, did you say 'colleages' or 'Collies?'
[Niles and Frasier laugh]
Dr. Arnold Shaw: [gives them a snide look] Very clever, very clever. So, shall we begin?
[to Eddie]
Dr. Arnold Shaw: Hello, Eddie, I'm Dr. Shaw. And I'm here to get to know you and help you get better. You're very sad, aren't you? It's okay to be sad, sometimes I'm sad, too. We're going to spend the next hour trying to figure out why you're sad.
Frasier: If you give a dog an hour, you can bill him for seven!
[He and Niles laugh again]
Dr. Arnold Shaw: I'm sorry, I get the feeling that some of us aren't taking this seriously.
Frasier: I apologize; it all just seems a bit silly.
Dr. Arnold Shaw: Silly? I have you know I just attended the funeral of one Buttons McFarlen whose owners felt the same way.
[Niles and Frasier stifle snickers and Martin waves his cane at them]
Dr. Arnold Shaw: First, I'd like to administer a dog personality profile quiz I developed. My first questions are based on how you think Eddie might behave if you were a human being.
Frasier: Oh boy!
Niles: Here we go!
Daphne Moon: [whisper to boys:] Shush, this isn't a joke! This is very serious.
Dr. Arnold Shaw: If human Eddie were planning a dinner party, what might he serve?
Martin: I'd say meatloaf. Not the plain kind, but the one with the fancy tomato soup glaze on top.
Niles: It might be a bit underdone though, he has trouble reaching the knobs on the stove.
[He and Frasier laugh]
Daphne Moon: Poached salmon... I don't know why!
Dr. Arnold Shaw: Interesting. Question two: What do you imagine human Eddie's first words to be?
Frasier: Well, I should hope: 'Give me a breath mint!'
[laughs]
Frasier: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Right, next one.
Dr. Arnold Shaw: What do you imagine would be human Eddie's favorite cologne?
Martin: Rock Revelver... It's a little strong but I think he can pull it off.
Daphne Moon: Grey Flannel... I don't know why!
Frasier: Cologne? Well, actually I think he would prefer toilet water!
Niles: By the way, same answer for favorite beverage!
[He and Frasier laugh loudly and high-five each other]
Dr. Arnold Shaw: I'm sensing a lot of hostility here.
Frasier: Well, I'm sorry, but I don't see the point. What is any of this telling you about Eddie?
Dr. Arnold Shaw: The point was not to learn about Eddie but was to learn about all of you and might I say...
[glares at the brothers]
Dr. Arnold Shaw: mission accomplished!

Daphne Moon: [dreamily] If Eddie were one of the Beatles, I think he'd be George... I don't know why!
[She exits]
Frasier: And yet she's never been commited.
[imitating her]
Frasier: I don't know why!

Martin: [Waiting for the doggie shrink] What's keeping this guy? He should have been here be now.
Frasier: Perhaps he's being detained by his "Fear of Fetching" group.

Frasier: [on the air, narrating details of Roz's recent date with a doctor] Apparently, he was an avid collector of antique gynecological equipment.
[Roz pours a cup of water on Frasier's head]
Frasier: I've just gotten the signal from Roz that we're running out of time, so I'll skip ahead in our story.


"Frasier: The Fight Before Christmas (#7.11)" (1999)
Roz: I can't stay, I just stopped by to drop off your punch bowl.
Frasier: Well, thank you, Roz. Say, what kind of punch did you serve?
Roz: Well, first I filled it with ice. Then I just poured orange juice and vodka over it.
Frasier: Well, Roz, that's just a giant Screwdriver.
Roz: Yeah, so? What am I, Martha Stewart?

Kenny: Hey, Doc. Merry Christmas.
Frasier: Hi, Kenny. My, the station has certainly outdone itself this year with the "Christmas in Mexico" theme.
Kenny: It was my idea. It hit me when I realized their sauces are red and green.
Frasier: Well, that's why you're the boss.

Frasier: Well you know, Niles, if you want my advice...
Niles: Ooh, you know, you really need to stop saying that.

Frasier: Have you been baking?
Gil Chesterson: I have. Gingerbread men.
Frasier: Oh my, don't they look... muscular.
Gil Chesterson: Yes well, my wife and I made a New Year's Resolution: Deb and I have joined a gym to slim down and buff up. We needed these to inspire us.
Frasier: Ah yes, there's nothing to straighten a dieter's resolve like a good motivational pastry.

[about the pathetic attendance at his Christmas party]
Frasier: People will go almost anywhere for free food and booze. Am I really so insufferable?


"Frasier: Dark Victory (#2.24)" (1995)
[having gone out of his way to cheer everyone up on his father's birthday, everyone is abandoning Frasier's planned celebration to join a party downstairs]
Frasier: No, no thank you. I'm not really in the mood any more.
Daphne: Oh, don't be a party pooper.
Martin: Ah, leave him. He's always been this way.
Frasier: Excuse me! Just-just a second! I think it's time we learnt what it is to walk in the shoes of this particular party pooper. I spend the damn week administering to the troubled and the neurotic and the just plain goofy, and then I hang up my earphones and it doesn't end there! Out on the street, in the cafe, even in this building. More people. More problems. I suppose they think it's okay, it's what I do. But every time I try to help them it costs me a little piece of myself. A little bit here, a little bit there, a little bit here, a little bit there... until I end up feeling like a zebra carcass on the Serengeti surrounded by burping vultures! Well, this happened to be one of those weeks. I had my escape planned. I was going to come home for an evening of fun with my extended family. What do I get? I get the four of you going at each other like the Borgias on a bad day! So I roll up my sleeves, and I tend to each one of you. And you all feel better. And the minute you get a whiff of mesquite coming from down below, you are out the door! Without so much as a 'thank you'! Well, thank you for the invitation, but I am, frankly, fed up with people and their problems. The doctor is out.

[playing a game called "I'm the Dullest Person"]
Frasier: If I was going to go I would say, "I am the dullest person because I have never been on a rollercoaster." All right? And then all of you that have been on a rollercoaster would give me a penny. Now we all have our pennies. Who would like to go first? Daphne?
Daphne: I can't think of anything.
Frasier: Of course you can. Just say the first thing that comes into your mind. I'm the dullest person because...
Daphne: Oh, I don't know. Because I've never made love in a lift or a phone booth or on an aeroplane or a merry-go-round.
Frasier: Okay, that's good, but strategically speaking that's not the best way to get our pennies. You see, it should be something that someone else might have actually...
[Roz throws in a penny]
Frasier: ...done.
[Roz throws in three more pennies while everyone else stares at her]
Roz: I was in college, I was trying to find myself!
Niles: All you needed to do was look under the nearest man.

Niles: You unprincipled charlatan! You unconscionable fraud! If this were another era, I'd horsewhip you!
Frasier: Niles, what are you talking about?
Niles: You spoke to a patient of mine today, Caroline. As a result of your fast-food approach to psychiatry, she left me!
Frasier: Caroline was your patient?
Niles: Two years of my hard work wiped out by one of your two-minute McSessions.

[during a blackout]
Frasier: Now we can all sit here in the dark and be miserable or we can try to have some fun.
Niles: I'm going to call Maris.
Frasier: Well, Niles has voted. Who votes for fun?

Roz: I mean, how long can I go on chasing these hunky twenty-five year-olds that are all looks and no substance?
Frasier: Exactly, Roz.
Roz: No, I'm serious. I'm asking, how long? Three, four years?


"Frasier: I Hate Frasier Crane (#1.4)" (1993)
[Daphne has a psychic flash when she picks up photos from Martin's unsolved murder]
Daphne: I see a man.
Martin: Yeah?
Daphne: A well-dressed man. He's wearing wing tips and a trench coat.
Martin: Yeah? Yeah?
Daphne: He's getting off an elevator... he's walking down a long hallway... she doesn't know he's coming... he's opening the door...
[Frasier enters wearing wing tips and a trench coat]
Frasier: Hello, everyone.
Daphne: Sometimes I get my signals crossed.
Frasier: What's going on?
Martin: Well, unless you killed a hooker when you were twelve, nothing much.

Frasier: As some of you may know, yesterday I was mentioned in Derek Mann's "Mann About Town" column. He said, and I quote, "I Hate Frasier Crane"..."I Hate Frasier Crane". What trenchant criticism. Move aside Voltaire, step back in the shadows H.L. Mencken, there's a new kid in town. One can only wonder how many hours Derek Mann sat in the glow of his computer screen before his trembling fingers sprang to life and pecked out this chef d'oeuvre: "I... *hate*... Frasier Crane."

Frasier: [Eddie stares at him] Must he stare at me all day?
Martin: I don't know, I'll ask him. Eddie, must you?
[Eddie keeps staring]
Martin: Apparently, he must.

Frasier: [about the crowd gathered to watch him fight] All that's missing is a mariachi band.
Dr. Niles Crane: They're just setting up.

Roz Doyle: Dr. Crane, on line 1, we have Stewart who's having a problem with delayed gratification.
Frasier: Well, he's just going to have to wait!


"Frasier: Frasier-Lite (#11.12)" (2004)
Dr. Frasier Crane: The sign said "F Hockey." I assumed it meant "Freshman Hockey."
Martin Crane: The little plaid skirt didn't tip you off?
Dr. Frasier Crane: I thought it was a kilt!

Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, Morrie, if you're not cheating on your wife, and she still suspects you, then we're obviously dealing with a trust issue.
Morrie: More like a crazy issue. And I know where she gets it, from her mother - who, by the way, came for Thanksgiving and still hasn't left. Happy New Year!
Dr. Frasier Crane: Perhaps we should tackle these issues one at a time...
[Over the line Frasier hears loud knocking]
Morrie: I'm in the bathroom, Celeste! A little privacy? See how she gets?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, perhaps what is needed here is...
[click]
Celeste: You think I don't know who you're talking to in there, huh, Morrie? It's your little whore, isn't it? Hello, whore.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Celeste, if I could interrupt for just a moment...
Celeste: A man? It's worse than I thought.
[Another click]
Celeste's Mother: Celeste?
Celeste: Hang up, Ma!
Celeste's Mother: You're all on the radio. I'm listening down in the kitchen.
Morrie: How about washing a dish or two while you're down there?
[Yet another click]
Britney: I cannot stand this yelling! I'm running away from home.
Morrie: Oh, hang up the phone, Britney, you're going nowhere.
Dr. Frasier Crane: And neither is this conversation.
[He cuts off the line]

Dr. Frasier Crane: I've decided to rededicate myself to this diet. The team is captained by my old high school nemesis, Wayne Shafter.
Dr. Niles Crane: [Gasps] Which one was he?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Big neck, dead eyed, snapped your PBS umbrella.

Dr. Frasier Crane: Daphne, didn't you purchase some sort of stomach-tightening apparatus for dad?
Daphne Crane: The Ab-Blaster or the Flab-Buster?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Right, I tell you what. Bring me both of them, I'll put them together and see if I can get a real good workout.

Dr. Frasier Crane: Is that bird nesting in my cashmere scarf?
Martin Crane: Yeah, we tried a whole bunch of them and that's the one he likes best.
Dr. Frasier Crane: All right, that's it! I want that sky rat out of here!
Martin Crane: Oh, no! Eddie will be crushed. The bird's like his pet.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Eddie *is* a pet. He doesn't get to have a pet.


"Frasier: Guess Who's Coming to Breakfast (#1.13)" (1994)
Frasier: Oh please, nobody refers to having sex as "getting lucky" anymore.
Niles: I do.

Frasier: [surprised to find his father's date spent the night] So, what did you two kids do last night? Play some games? - I mean board games. - Not that you were bored - or excited - not that I'd know anything - or should - but... warm buns, Elaine! No, not yours! Ours, ours! To eat, you see!

Frasier: Oh, I do a great deal of shopping there. In fact I bought the comforter on Dad's bed there. Well, I suppose you noticed that. - or or or, maybe you didn't - I mean, I don't know if you had the lights on -
[Daphne puts a plate of sausages on the table]
Frasier: Banger, Dad?

Daphne: I've been sending Elaine psychic messages all day.
Frasier: You can transmit? I thought you were just a receiver.
Daphne: Well, I'm giving it a try. You know - "Elaine in 1410, come to dinner! Come to dinner!
Frasier: Well that's very charming, but Elaine's in 1412.
Daphne: Oh dear. I guess I'd better set another place at the table.

Frasier: Thank you for your call, Jeanine. Roz, whom do we have next?
Roz Doyle: We have Ethan on line three, and he's having a little problem at school.
Frasier: Hello, Ethan. I'm listening.
Ethan: Hi, Dr. Crane.
Frasier: How old are you?
Ethan: I'm thirteen.
Frasier: Well, uh, what can I do for you?
Ethan: Well, I'm having a lot of problems with the other kids at school. They're always beating me up.
Frasier: Why do you think that's so?
Ethan: Probably because I'm smart. I have a 160 IQ. I'm in the astronomy club and I hate sports.
Frasier: Well, Ethan, you know, the other children are just acting out of jealousy and immaturity, and I know it doesn't help much right now, but the day will come in the next few years when you will have the last laugh.
Ethan: That's it?
Frasier: Yes.
Ethan: Frankly, Dr. Crane, I find that advice patronizing, simplistic, and in all candor, uninspired. The real surprise here is they pay you to dole out this balloon juice.
Frasier: Ethan, where are you calling from?
Ethan: Home.
Frasier: Well, if any of Ethan's classmates are listening, you know where he is, and he can't stay in there forever. Thank you for your call.


"Frasier: Beware of Greeks (#5.16)" (1998)
Nikos: Once again, he stopped me from making a terrible mistake. So everyone, please lift your glasses to my cousin, Frasier Crane!
Aunt Zora Crane: Oh, I can do better than a glass!
[she grabs a bottle by the neck and smashes the end off]
Dr. Frasier Crane: No! Aunt Zora, no! OUT OF MY WAY!

Dr. Frasier Crane: So your heart should be brimming with motherly emotion!
Aunt Zora Crane: When I find out who bent this skewer, I'm ramming it right in his eye!

Dr. Niles Crane: It's a moot point. We're not invited, thanks to Frasier's more-than-usually inept advice.
Martin Crane: Can you imagine what it's like to live in the same city as your brother and not see him for five years?
Dr. Frasier Crane: No, but I'd like to give it a try.

[at the rehearsal dinner]
Dr. Niles Crane: Well, I hope you enjoy yourself, Mr. Blessed-Are-The-Peacemakers!
Dr. Frasier Crane: Will you stop complaining? The rehearsal went beautifully. Cousin Yvonne didn't get near you.
Dr. Niles Crane: How could she? I spent half the time hiding in the confessional! By the way, Mrs. Pappas is having an affair.

Aunt Zora Crane: You know, I am so glad you are coming to the wedding. There is nothing sadder than a divided family, am I right?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Quite right.
Dr. Niles Crane: Absolutely, absolutely. When Frasier told me we weren't invited to the wedding, I was...
Cousin Yvonne: There you are, Niles!
Dr. Niles Crane: Just kill me now.


"Cheers: Rebound: Part 2 (#3.2)" (1984)
Frasier Crane: Carla, why do you keep on building walls between yourself and everyone else?
Carla Tortelli: Have you taken a good look at everyone else?
Frasier Crane: Touché.

Frasier Crane: [enters the bar] Diane, what are you doing here? I've been looking all over for you.
Diane Chambers: Oh, Frasier, I'm so glad you're here.
[lovingly gives him a quick kiss on the lips]
Everyone in the Bar: Eww.

Frasier Crane: I guess this is good-bye for now Sam, but remember, there is no such thing as a former patient. I think you'll find that once you've been a patient of mine, I'm always there when you...
[his beeper goes off, he takes it out of his breast pocket and looks at it annoyed]
Frasier Crane: Oh, great, I bet this is important.

Diane Chambers: Frasier, listen to me. Sam needs my help in the bar. If you feel any spark of jealousy, please let me assure you I could work side by side with this man for the rest of my life and feel nothing.
Sam Malone: Work? Hell, I could live in the same house with her and never be tempted.
Diane Chambers: I could sleep in the same bed, and get nothing but a good night's rest.
Sam Malone: I could get out of jail after twelve years, serve on a ship with an all male crew for another four, be dropped off on a desert island for another three eating nothing but raw oysters, and if Diane were to walk out of the surf naked one day, all I'd want from her are the hockey scores.
Diane Chambers: [to Sam] And you wouldn't even get that.
Frasier Crane: I'm afraid that's not good enough.


"Frasier: Lilith Needs a Favor (#10.13)" (2003)
Dr. Frasier Crane: Would we sleep together?
Dr. Lilith Sternin: I thought we'd freeze your sperm.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Is that a yes or a no?

Guy in Waiting Room: Is this your first time?
Dr. Frasier Crane: No, I've been doing this since I was twelve.

[Frasier is in a booth, trying to make a sperm sample]
Dr. Lilith Sternin: Just a hint...
Dr. Frasier Crane: Lilith! If there is one thing I can do *by myself*, this is it!

[Frasier is about to make a sperm sample]
Dr. Lilith Sternin: Frasier! It probably doesn't matter, but try to think positive thoughts.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Thanks for that. I was going to think of the plight of the American Indian.


"Frasier: The Show Where Lilith Comes Back (#1.16)" (1994)
[Frasier has a surprise caller to his show - his ex-wife]
Frasier: Well, Lilith, what brings you to Seattle, the constant rain?
Lilith: I'm here for a convention, and I happened to hear your voice on the radio. I kept hoping you'd introduce Pearl Jam's latest hit, but much to my chagrin, you were doling out worthless little advice pellets from your psychiatric Pez dispenser.

Lilith: [to Eddie] Go away!
[Eddie runs off]
Frasier: Now why does he listen to you and not to me?
Lilith: By my tone of voice. He knows I mean business.
Frasier: I see, so you're saying your voice is more commanding than mine.
Martin: Hell, I took half a step before I realized she was talking to the dog!

Niles: Well, I guess I'll say my goodbyes as well. Goodnight, Frasier.
[ignores Lilith]
Frasier: Oh, this is ridiculous! Listen, Lilith, uh, Niles is upset because you snickered at Maris's wedding vows.
Lilith: I simply responded with the genuine spontaneous emotion I was feeling at the moment. But, if Niles is not mature enough to accept that, if he is so pitifully insecure, if he is in such need of validation, then I guess for some sense of familial harmony, I do apologize.
Niles: Oh, Lilith, thank you!
[hugs her tight]
Niles: Oh, this bad blood between us has gone on far too long! Next time you're in town, we'll have dinner, just you and me!
Frasier: [Niles leaves. Lilith looks at Frasier] He doesn't get that kind of validation at home, you see.

Frasier: Hello, you're on the line.
Dr. Lilith Sternin: Congratulations, Frasier, you've done it again. You've led another unsuspecting innocent down one of your dark, dead-end Freudian hallways.
Frasier: Lilith?
Dr. Lilith Sternin: Overeating is very simply a behavioral problem caused by negative reinforcement. It can be cured quite readily by behavior modification.
Frasier: I see. Well Seattle, we have a celebrity of sorts on the line. This is my ex-wife Lilith.
Dr. Lilith Sternin: What do you mean by celebrity?
Frasier: [darkly] Oh, they know you.


"Frasier: The Zoo Story (#5.12)" (1998)
Bebe: I'm sure you remember my number.
Frasier: Still 666?

[Bebe enters the men's room on Café Nervosa]
Bebe: Frasier, we have to talk.
Frasier: Are you aware that you are in the men's room?
Bebe: Oh, please, if I paid attention to signs with little pictures on them - I would never get a parking space.

[Maris is witholding sex to persuade Niles to fire their marriage counselor]
Frasier: Now, now, now, Niles, withholding sex may be just as difficult on Maris. She may crumble first!
Niles: Are you serious? One hour of passion can sustain her for months. She stores it up like some sexual camel!

[Gil enters the cafe in a daze]
Frasier: Oh, Gil. How did it go with the Hammer?
Gil Chesterson: You've never seen such cold, dead eyes! It was like bargaining with Nosferatu!


"Cheers: Get Your Kicks on Route 666 (#10.2)" (1991)
Dr. Frasier Crane: [about Frasier, Sam, Norm and Cliff taking a road trip] We're all dropping our inhibitions, we're going to go out and find our manhood on the open road.
Sam Malone: Yeah, like men.
Cliff Clavin: Yeah, like men, we be.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Real men.
Norm Peterson: Yeah, like those chicks on Thelma and Louise.

[the guys are talking about the last time they cried]
Norm Peterson: There was one time, uh, we thought Vera was pregnant, and it turns out she wasn't.
Dr. Frasier Crane: I'm sorry, Norm.
Cliff Clavin: You never told me that, buddy.
Norm Peterson: Well, turns out she was lying. She didn't tell me until after the wedding. I must have cried for a week.

Cliff Clavin: Here we are wasting away in the desert. I never pictured that the four of us would go out like this.
Norm Peterson: How did you picture it, Cliff?
Cliff Clavin: Well, pictured Sammy getting topped by a jealous husband. Norm, I figured, you, you know... heart attack. Frasier here...
Dr. Frasier Crane: Cliff, I don't want to hear.
Cliff Clavin: You bet you don't.

[Frasier, Sam, Cliff and Norm are stranded out in the desert. Norm is missing]
Cliff Clavin: You don't suppose some wolf dragged him off in the night, do you?
Sam Malone: Maybe we ought to take a look for him.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Not me. I don't want to meet the wolf that could drag off Norm.


"Frasier: Sleeping with the Enemy (#3.6)" (1995)
Daphne: Oh, come on now, Dr Crane. It's not like men have never used sex to get what they want.
Frasier: How can we possibly *use* sex to get what we want? Sex *is* what we want.

Kate Costas: There would've been raises if you hadn't taken all the money to pay for those Armani suits!
Frasier: Oh, what about you? Let's not overlook that pricy little Fendi scarf you're wearing!
Kate Costas: Well, what about this designer cologne on you?
Frasier: Well, how about those pouty lips that must have cost you a fortune in collagen injections!
Kate Costas: These lips are mine, you arrogant gasbag!
Frasier: You intractable despot!
Kate Costas: Blowhard!
Frasier: Tyrant!
Kate Costas: Ass!
Frasier: Shrew!
[they grab each other and kiss passionately]

Martin Crane: Who made the first move? You or her?
Frasier: There was no first move. It was more like spontaneous sexual combustion.
Martin Crane: There's always a first move. Think.
Frasier: Allright. I was standing in front of her desk like so. She was facing me... Niles, you be Kate.
Dr. Niles Crane: I will not.
Frasier: Look, just stand up.
Dr. Niles Crane: I'm *always* the girl! In every prep school play I was the girl! Guinevere, Marian the Librarian, Ado Annie. Well, no more, I'm through with it! When do I get to be Shoeless Joe from Hannibal, Mo'?

Frasier: I was elected by the employees to present our demands to Kate.
Daphne: Well, that was a smart move. Did you give her a good tongue lashing?
Frasier: In a manner of speaking, yes.


"Frasier: Kisses Sweeter Than Wine (#3.5)" (1995)
Martin: Jeez, I though you were just going to slit your wrists. It looks like you went for death by a thousand cuts.
Frasier: I cut myself because I was shaving without water. And why was there no water? Because I had to move your chair, which gouged the floor, which made me call for Joe, who found bad pipes, who called for Cecil, who ate the cat that killed the rat that lived in the house that Frasier built.

Frasier: Would you mind if I moved your chair into your room until after the tasting?
Martin: Forget it. You might as well ask me to stay in my room.
Niles: Which takes care of the second favour.

Daphne: [trying to solve the problem of a scratch on the floor] We could put a rug over it.
Frasier: A rug... where a rug doesn't belong. Why don't we just throw down a Twister mat and have a few rounds between vintages?

Frasier: Look, I don't know what kind of twisted fantasy you've concocted about Daphne. I suppose it involves a comet hitting the earth and you and she having to rebuild the species! Well, trust me, Niles, it is not going to happen. She needs a man - one who can do more for her than just smell her hair.


"Frasier: Party, Party (#5.23)" (1998)
Dr. Niles Crane: Well, we were just chatting on the elevator. I walked her to her car where, it turned out, she'd locked her keys inside. My resourcefulness saved the day.
Dr. Frasier Crane: What did you do, fish them out with a coat hanger?
Dr. Niles Crane: No, I called the auto club. Where would I find a coat hanger?

Dr. Niles Crane: She invited me to join her for lunch; we hit it off. The next night, I took her to dinner, one thing led to another, and soon, there was no further need for words.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Except for your frantically babbled thank-yous.

Dr. Niles Crane: I'm seeing her again tonight, so you'll understand if I'm a little bit drained tomorrow during our squash game: My love-making can get slightly athletic.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Which is more than can be said for your squash game.

Dr. Niles Crane: Frasier, are you familiar with the Safari Club?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Of course. Their yearly expeditions are remarkable.
Dr. Niles Crane: They're legendary. Last year they made camp at the base of Mount Everest, then had their servants climb it while they held a wine tasting.


"Frasier: Oops (#1.10)" (1993)
Ned Miller: Look, Crane. You're new to the radio game, I've been around a long time. People get fired. But they always get back on their feet. So... I bet you I could get you that drink now?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes, I bet you could.
Ned Miller: [phone rings] Help yourself.
[answers phone]
Ned Miller: Ned Miller! Yo, Jack! No, what's wrong? Ah, come on, tell me now. Uh-huh. I see. No, no no, I-I... Thanks, Jack.
[takes the decanter from Frasier's hand]
Ned Miller: Excuse me.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Bad news?
Ned Miller: Oh, you could say that. I've just been fired. They decided the best way to cut the budget was to get rid of *my* high salary.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, Ned, I... I'm so sorry. Then I guess this means that my job is still safe, then?
Ned Miller: Yeah, I guess so.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, you know Ned... I haven't been in the radio game that long. But, uh, I've been around long enough to know that people get fired. And when they do, they always seem to land on their feet. Now I've known quite a few people - and counseled them - that have suffered similar setbacks. But, ah, in time you will embrace this. Learn to think of this as, oh, a new chapter. You know, in theatrical circles, they always say "Every exit is but an entrance to somewhere else."
[long pause]
Ned Miller: God, I wish I'd fired you when I had the chance!

Martin Crane: Hey, Frasier, what happened to Bulldog?
Dr. Frasier Crane: [nervous] Who told you?
Martin Crane: Nobody told me anything. I tuned into the Gonzo Sports Show like I do every afternoon, and they had Father Mike filling in. I hate that! All it was, was "Notre Dame, Notre Dame, Notre Dame..."

Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh my God! This is unbelievable! A man has quit his job because of a rumor that you spread!
Roz Doyle: Me? The whole point of gossip is to talk behind the person's back, not in front of them; I didn't realize you were unclear on this concept!

[first lines]
Niles: So I just had to get out of the house. Maris' Junior League is rehearsing their spring musicale. This year, they're doing "Cats". For the past week and a half I've been watching two dozen underweight, tightly-pulled women in leotards crawling around the music room meowing. I'm telling you, Frasier, my allergies are acting up.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, Niles, I think you're exaggerating.
Niles: No, no, really. You have no idea how vivid the experience is. As God is my judge, I swear Mrs. Presley Bismouth was scent-marking the divan.
Dr. Frasier Crane: God, you'd think women of that age would choose more suitable material. You remember the last show they did, "The Sound of Music"? My God! Half the von Trapp children were having hot flashes.


"Frasier: Sweet Dreams (#5.24)" (1998)
Bulldog: Oh, by the way: Roz, baby or no baby, your ass has never looked better.
Roz: Shut up!
[Bulldog exits]
Roz: How sick is that?
Frasier: Well, he's just being Bulldog.
Roz: No - that I liked hearing it?

Frasier: You know, frankly, I'm terribly upset about this. You know, I think we'll go down there and join that rally.
Roz: Good for you, Frasier.
Frasier: I refuse to stand idly by while some fat-cat bully rides roughshod over the little people.
Daphne Moon: I don't want to go to a rally!
Frasier: Oh, tough luck - you're the chauffeur!

[Frasier and Daphne have arrived at the rally]
Daphne Moon: This is actually rather exciting. I must say, I never thought you to be the protest type.
Frasier: Oh, on the contrary, Daphne, I was quite the activist in my college days. You know, there's nothing like throwing in with a fearless band of scruffy young rebels thumbing their noses at convention.
Daphne Moon: So did you go in for the whole package, then? Long hair, bell bottoms, beads?
Frasier: Oh, heavens no. I did have a pair of psychedelic suspenders that raised an eyebrow or two.
[chuckles]

[Martin has just returned with Daphne, having bailed her from jail]
Frasier: Daphne! Daphne, it's so good to have you home, safe and sound.
Daphne Moon: Sod off.
Martin Crane: She's a little mad at ya.
Frasier: Yes, thank you, Dad.
Frasier: Daphne, I am so sorry. I feel just terrible.
Daphne Moon: As you should. You left me handcuffed and helpless.
Dr. Niles Crane: If you ever find yourself in that position again, be sure to call on me.
[a look of innocent confusion from Daphne and eye-rolling from Frasier]
Dr. Niles Crane: ...for help.


"Frasier: Frasier's Edge (#8.9)" (2001)
Martin Crane: [to Frasier obsessing about note from professor] Frasier, it's just a note.
Dr. Frasier Crane: I know, dad.
Martin Crane: It doesn't mean anything.
Dr. Frasier Crane: I know, dad.
Martin Crane: Say hi to Dr. Tewksbury for me.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Okay, dad.

Professor William Tewksbury: [on phone] It's a minor crisis. I'll be there in half an hour.
Dr. Frasier Crane: [calling out the window] What does it all mean!
Professor William Tewksbury: [on phone] Make it an hour.

Dr. Frasier Crane: Thank you for honoring my life. Just wish I knew what to do with the rest of it.

Dr. Frasier Crane: [Frasier is attempting to treat himself as a patient] I'm sorry, caller. I can't help you.


"Frasier: An Affair to Forget (#2.21)" (1995)
Niles: [thinking that Maris is having an affair] I just got in the car and started driving.
Frasier: Well, I'm glad you ended up here.
Niles: Actually, I ended up at the Oregon border-check. I had fruit in the car so I had to turn back.

Frasier: You know, Roz, when I hear advice like that it makes me wish there was a law against two or more women gathering at a water cooler.

[Niles' wife Maris is having an affair with the husband of one of Frasier's callers]
Roz: You just tell her that you know she's been mattress surfing with some other guy and if she doesn't knock it off, you'll tell her husband.
Frasier: It's not that easy! You don't know this woman, she doesn't deal with confrontation very well! I once questioned the political correctness of her serving veal. An hour later we found her locked in the garage with the engine running on a golf kart.

Frasier: Niles, are you going to be spending the evening with us?
Niles: Yes. As much as my Maris misses me, she feels family comes first. When she saw this model, she felt it was the perfect project for me to share with dad.
Frasier: She wanted you out of the house, huh?
Niles: Like a musty smell.


"Frasier: The Show Where Diane Comes Back (#3.14)" (1996)
[Frasier interrupts Niles's psychiatric session with a client, Mr. Carr]
Frasier: [horrified] She's back, the scourge of my existence!
Niles: Strange, I usually get some sign when Lilith is in town: dogs forming into packs, blood weeping down the wall.
Frasier: [horrified] I'm talking about... Diane Chambers!
Niles: [to the intercom] Lucille, send Mr. Carr home.

Martin Crane: Listen, it's none of my business, but you're not falling for her again, are you?
Frasier: What if I were?
Martin Crane: That woman dumped you at the altar.
Frasier: Oh, that was the old Diane. She no longer sees herself as the center of the universe. And I'm not the old Frasier, either. People can change, Dad.
Martin Crane: Yeah, I suppose you're right. Take me for instance. The old Martin would have said "you're out of your mind. I'd rather see you go gay and shack up with the punk who shot me than go off with her. I'd rather see you sewed up inside the body of a dead horse." But the new Martin just says "vivee a l'amour."
Frasier: The new Frasier resists the temptation to correct your French.

Daphne Moon: I wish someone would just tell me who this woman is, and why we're trying to impress the pants off her.
Frasier: She's a one-time Boston barmaid who had a nervous breakdown and ended up in a sanitorium, where I met her, fell for her, and then was so mercilessly rejected by her that to this day there remains a sucking chest wound where once there dwelled a heart!

[after Frasier runs across town and bursts into one of Niles's sessions]
Niles: [writing] Well, why do you think you reacted that way?
Frasier: Oh, spare me the psychiatrist bit, Niles! That includes putting down the pad!
[Niles lays his pad on the desk]
Frasier: In the drawer, Niles!
Niles: [complies] Fine. My first question to you is this: are you still in love with her?
Frasier: [shoots up from his chair and paces the office] No! Not in the least! It's a ridiculous suggestion!
Niles: Seeing as I have nowhere to write the phrase "classic denial," I'll move on...


"Cheers: Severe Crane Damage (#8.18)" (1990)
Frasier: Now, all right everyone, pay attention. I have a little announcement to make, and I only have a minute.
Norm: What, are you in a hurry?
Frasier: No, I was referring to your relatively short attention spans.

Frasier: [about Lilith's new book] It's called Good Girls/Bad Boys. Isn't that cute?
Lilith: That was my editor's idea. I wanted to call it A Cross Sectional Study of Control Group Females With a Tendency Toward Self-Destruction Vis-a-Vis Damaging Relationships With Members of the Opposite Sex.
Woody: [exasperated] Oh brother, not another one of those.

Frasier: I just want to head to the men's room to check my hair.
Carla: Ah, I already checked. It's not in there.

Viper: [to Frasier] You're getting dull on me, Slash.
[Frasier is unaware that Lilith is standing behind him]
Frasier: Oh, listen Viper, if caring for the one you love, caring for your children, if paying attention to your career and home, if these things be dull, then may I be the dullest man who ever lived.
Lilith: [passionately] You are, Frasier, you are.


"Cheers: Rich Man, Wood Man (#10.19)" (1992)
Dr. Frasier Crane: [to the gang at the bar] You may not have noticed, but over the last year, I have allowed myself to gradually fall out of shape. I am frequently tired, and I find I no longer have the energy for some of my daily activities.
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: Or some of your weekly ones.

Dr. Frasier Crane: [to the gang at the bar] You may ask, 'Why is Frasier sharing this information with the general public?'.
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: Because you're the loneliest man on Earth?
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: He has another reason.

Dr. Frasier Crane: I remember when I came back from my first trip abroad. Oh God, I was pompous and unbearable. Condascending to all my old friends. Course, I wouldn't expect you all to understand.

Cliff Clavin: I have great respect for the leech.
Dr. Frasier Crane: I'm sure the feeling's mutual.


"Frasier: Match Game (#11.18)" (2004)
Charlotte: You looked at my client log?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes, I've looked at your log, and I've dated every toad on it!

Charlotte: I am thirty-five years old, and I am living with my mother! How pathetic is that?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, I... I've seen worse.

[Charlotte is depressed about living with her mother]
Dr. Frasier Crane: For what it's worth, it will get easier living with her.
Charlotte: Is that your professional opinion?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Actually, it's a personal one. My dad lives with me.
Charlotte: No.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Mmm-hmm, eleven years.
Charlotte: Yikes.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Yeah, it does take a while to adjust to each other before you're perfectly in sync.
Charlotte: How long did that take?
Dr. Frasier Crane: I'll let you know.
[They laugh]

Charlotte: I will mail you a check tomorrow!
Dr. Frasier Crane: I'll save you the price of a stamp, I'll see you at your office first thing in the morning!
Charlotte: Fine! I'd say, "come alone," but that's a given.


"Frasier: The Life of the Party (#5.22)" (1998)
Frasier: Oh, what do I ever say? "You're in denial, seek help," blah, blah, blah.

Frasier: I'm getting desperate here.
Dr. Niles Crane: Don't obsess about this. My love life's not much better than yours, but you don't see me going off the deep end.
Frasier: Oh, really? Did it ever occur to you that this recent antique-buying binge you've been on is nothing but a way of sublimating your frustrated sexual desires?
Dr. Niles Crane: That's preposterous! These purchases have nothing to do with sex.
Frasier: Oh, don't they? In addition to the loveseat, let's see, your most recent acquisitions have been: a French bed- warmer, a pair of Toby jugs... the less said about that Civil War ramrod, the better.
Dr. Niles Crane: Oh, you Freudians! Sometimes a ramrod is just a... oh hell, even I can't make that one fly.

Dr. Niles Crane: I don't think we're really quite hard up enough yet to stage a singles party.
Martin Crane: Ok, suit yourself. Well, we'll just get ready for the evening. I'll dish out the spaghetti, and you guys set up the card table. I got us a new jigsaw puzzle. Ten thousand pieces. It's called "The Wheat Field."
Frasier: I'll send the invitations.
Dr. Niles Crane: I'll call the caterer.

Frasier: I mean, murderers on death row can find women to marry them! I can't find one to sit through coffee!
Dr. Niles Crane: It's easy for those men to attract women, they have all that time to work out in the yard.


"Frasier: Hot Pursuit (#7.18)" (2000)
Niles: How was Boston?
Frasier: Oh, it was fine. It was great seeing Freddie again. Of course, Lilith was insufferable. She's got a new boyfriend, some twenty-eight year old named Marcel, he's a contortionist with the Cirque du Soleil.
Niles: She's dating French circus folk?
Frasier: Yes. Well, he's actually perfect for Lilith: he has no apparent spine and she can wrap him around her finger.

Frasier: You know, I guess I better get packing.
Martin: What're you talking about? You got your bags right there.
Frasier: No, Dad, these are my "Daddy" clothes. I have to go and pack my "Come to Daddy" clothes.

Frasier: It's only seven o'clock and Marge Whitmeyer is already in the bar arm-wrestling people for drinks.
Roz: How many did you buy her?
Frasier: Well, three, but my elbow was in a wet spot.

Frasier: I like your self-assurance. There's no greater aphrodisiac than confidence.


"Frasier: Big Crane on Campus (#7.14)" (2000)
Lorna: I had a wonderful time last night.
Frasier: Me too. It's like being back in high school, but with sex.

Lorna: You know, I thought you'd be a nice rebound fling, get my feet wet dating again, you don't want that, that's fine. But I'll tell you what we are going to do: you're going to take my arm, you're going to escort me in that room, we're going to dance, make out like freshmen and leave with your hand on my ass, you got it?
Frasier: Shall we?

Frasier: The Opera Guild is having its annual football tournament. Yes, I'm the quarterback.

Frasier: Hello, Niles. How are you?
Niles: Fine. Although the oddest thing just happened.
Frasier: Oh, that man on the corner's name is Pete. If you give him a dollar his monkey won't make those rude gestures.
Niles: No, this is about Daphne. I burned my hand while I was cooking and she began putting first aid cream on it and in a very tender way and then, em, dad came in and she jumped as if she felt guilty. Is it possible Daphne has feelings for me?
Frasier: No.
Niles: Ah well, as long as you've considered it from all angles!
Frasier: If she was tender it was because you burnt your hand, if she jumped it was because dad startled her. Come on, Niles, can't you see what's really going on here?
Niles: Well, obviously I haven't a clue. I thought that man's monkey was waving hello.


"Frasier: Hooping Cranes (#8.15)" (2001)
Martin Crane: Would you cut it out, I'm trying to watch the game!
Dr. Frasier Crane: We're just playing I Spy, Dad.
Martin Crane: I know, and it's distracting.
Dr. Niles Crane: Well, we used to do it all the time on family vacations.
Martin Crane: And it was distracting then, so cut it out, or it'll end up like our family trip to Arizona.
Dr. Niles Crane: You mean you'll turn around in your seat and almost drive the arena into the Grand Canyon?

Roz Doyle: Hi, Frasier.
Dr. Frasier Crane: You may join me if you wish, Roz. Be forewarned, I am feeling a bit peevish.
Roz Doyle: Oh, for God's sake, you're like Goldilocks with that latte. "This foam is too hard, this foam is too soft"...
Dr. Frasier Crane: No, this is not about latte foam, Roz!

Dr. Frasier Crane: Ever since Niles made that basket, his head's been getting bigger and bigger.
Roz Doyle: Well, you have to admit it was pretty amazing.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Amazingly lucky! To hear Niles tell it, it all started with a little rubber factory in Sumatra, where an unsuspecting basketball began a journey that would lead to greatness.
Roz Doyle: So he's milking it a little bit, you'd do the same thing!
Dr. Frasier Crane: I would not! I would treat it as the chance occurrence it was... like finding a terrific parking spot in front of the opera house.
Roz Doyle: You bragged about that for weeks!
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, it was right in front of the steps, Roz!

Dr. Frasier Crane: And to think I was going to offer you these basketball tickets.
Roz Doyle: Well, can't use 'em anyway. I have a date with this French guy.
Dr. Frasier Crane: So that's it, huh? No Americans left.


"Frasier: Frasier Crane's Day Off (#1.23)" (1994)
Dr. Frasier Crane: [a delirious and drug-overdosed Frasier has returned to the station] Hello, Seattle, I'm back! This is Dr. Frasier Crane. I promise I will never leave you again. So, let's take our first caller. Hello, I'm listening.
Robert: Hi, Dr. Crane. Thanks for taking my call. I'm a little nervous, okay? My name is Robert.
Dr. Frasier Crane: And your name is...?
Robert: My name is Robert.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, I'm sorry. We've already had a Robert on the show today. Goodbye!
[disconnects him]
Roz Doyle: [on the office phone] Tony, it's Roz. Could you get security up here? Captain Kirk's got control of the bridge and he's gone insane.
Dr. Frasier Crane: [takes another call] Who is this?
Janice: I'm Janice.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, Janice, what's your problem?
Janice: Well, I'm having a problem breaking through a barrier with my in-laws.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Boring!
[disconnects her]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Hello! You're on the crane with Frasier Air!
Marjorie: Hi, Dr. Crane. This is Marjorie. You see, I'm... I'm having a problem with my boss. He doesn't seem to respect me, and I don't have the courage to confront him.
Dr. Frasier Crane: OK, OK, Marjorie. Well, let's, let's see... Let's do a little role-playing, OK? Look, I'll be your boss, you be yourself, you be Marjorie... and uh - come on in and talk to me in a very forceful way. Tell me what you think, and you just might be surprised by what happens!
Marjorie: Well, OK. "Listen, Mr. Ross. I've worked for this company for six years and I've never missed a day. But you've constantly promoted people less qualified than I am and I don't think that's fair."
Dr. Frasier Crane: "Well, Marjorie, I must say I admire your forthrightness and uh... I wished more of my employees came and spoke to me with an open mind. You know, you're going to get that promotion!"
Marjorie: Hey, that was great!
Dr. Frasier Crane: [excited] Yeah! Wasn't it? Wasn't it? OK, it's my turn! I'm Marjorie and you're the boss now! Come on! Come on...
[Niles and security arrive and hustle him out]

Daphne Moon: You really should stay home and let me tend to you. I'm a very good nurse. I mended all my brothers' soccer injuries.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, I didn't get injured playing soccer.
Daphne Moon: Neither did my hooligan brothers. Mostly they got hurt beating up drunken Dutchmen in the stands.

Daphne: I don't think you should be up and...
Frasier: The moment I give a FIG about what you think, is the day that England produces a great chef, a world class bottle of wine, and a car with a decent electrical system!

Daphne: I don't think you should be up and...
Frasier: The moment I give a fig about what you think, is the day that England produces a great chef, a world class bottle of wine, and a car with a decent electrical system!


"Frasier: The Unnatural (#4.16)" (1997)
Frasier: Is that your idea of appropriate baseball-watching attire?
Niles: Obviously, you failed to detect the subtle diamond pattern in my tie.

Frederick: Dad, did Grandpa ever tell you the story of how he captured four bank robbers with just a nightstick?
Frasier: No. He did tell me how he captured two bank robbers with just a revolver, his partner and a S.W.A.T. team.
Martin: They got there later!

Bulldog: Hey, look, I know how tough it is when you're a kid and you find out you're dad's not as great as you thought. Look, I was about Frederick's age when, well, I came home, my mom was out and I caught my dad with another woman.
Frasier: Oh, Bulldog, I'm sorry.
Bulldog: No, no, wait, you haven't heard the bad part yet! She was ugly, doc. I mean coyote ugly. My own dad. And the best excuse he could come up with was, "Hey, you don't look at the mantle when you're poking the fire!"
[pause]
Bulldog: Hey, I just got that!
Bulldog: [laughs]

Daphne Moon: [to Frasier] Your son just walked right in on me in the shower!
Frasier: Frederick!
Frederick: Dad, all I really saw was...
Frasier: I'm very disappointed in you, young man.
Niles: Let the boy finish!


"Frasier: Star Mitzvah (#10.6)" (2002)
Frasier: At least I can take comfort in the fact that without embarrassing parents, there'd be no psychology.

[Daphne learns about Niles's one-night stand with Lilith]
Daphne: With Lilith?
Niles: I was drunk.
Daphne: Yeah, you'd have to be, wouldn't you?
[realizes]
Daphne: Oh, sorry Frasier.
Frasier: Oh no, drinking definitely took the edge off.

Rabbi Gendler: What was that?
Frasier: It was the classic Hebrew blessing Tu-ock-bok-nech!
Rabbi Gendler: No, that was nothing. It was gibberish.
Jeremy Berman: That's not gibberish that's Klingon! Freddies Dad just blessed him in Klingon!

Frasier: Noel, Star Trek is just a TV show.
Noel Shempsky: So was "Brideshead Revisited"!
Frasier: [restrained] You're angry, so I'm going to ignore that.


"Frasier: The Doctor Is Out (#11.3)" (2003)
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, shut up you big queen!
Gil Chesterton: Well, I see kitty has claws.

Servant: Shall I fire up the hot tub, sir?
Alistair Burke: Absolutely.
Dr. Frasier Crane: I'm afraid I don't have a bathing suit.
Alistair Burke: Then, you'll fit right in.

Dr. Frasier Crane: I've had gay friends before!
Dr. Niles Crane: Not ones that think you're gay too!

Alistair Burke: Frasier, this apartment is stunning.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Thank you.
Alistair Burke: The view - breathtaking; the art - perfect; the chair - hilarious.


"Frasier: Boo! (#11.16)" (2004)
Martin Crane: Give me a top hat and cane, and I'm Fred Astaire.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Add a monocle, and he's Mr. Peanut.

Dr. Frasier Crane: [after Mimi screams at Jack-in-the-Box opening] Much better. You're still in the room, and you didn't throw up.

Dr. Niles Crane: [looking at Frasier in his clown costume] Look at you. You just stand there with a smile on your face.
Dr. Frasier Crane: That's make-up, you idiot!


"Frasier: The First Temptation of Daphne (#9.3)" (2001)
Dr. Frasier Crane: [going crazy from a chirping cricket] Do you have any idea what it's like to be awakened intermittently throughout an entire night?
Roz Doyle: I have a three year old. I can't remember the last time I slept through a night.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes, of course. But this constant chirping and chirping, over and over. Really, you can't imagine it.
Roz Doyle: Really? Did the cricket crawl into bed with you? Did the cricket throw up on you?
Dr. Frasier Crane: [sarcastically] Gee, I wish I had a three year old, so I could win every argument.

Dr. Frasier Crane: [Daphne is asking him about transference] I remember back in my days of private practice, I did have my share of female adulation.
Roz Doyle: Oh, my god, were you able to cure them?

Martin Crane: You sleeping?
Dr. Frasier Crane: I was trying to. I'm attempting to rearrange my schedule. Apparently, His Royal Chirpiness is nocturnal, so I have to be, as well.
Martin Crane: I got the answer to the problem, right here in this box.
Dr. Frasier Crane: What, we couldn't squash him with the shoes we already own?


"Frasier: And the Dish Ran Away with the Spoon: Part 2 (#8.2)" (2000)
[Frasier has offered to take Daphne out to get her mind off her troubles, but she has declined]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Sure you won't change your mind?
Daphne Moon: Positive.
[Simon comes back from walking Eddie]
Simon Moon: Hello! We've just finished our daily constitutional, with young Edward here dropping a few amendments along the way. So what's on the docket for tonight then?
Daphne Moon: All I want is a quiet evening at home.
Simon Moon: Oh, Stilts, you and I are of one mind. I'll hoist a beer while you get dinner started. And then when our bellies are full and you've done the dishes, we will adjourn to the Winnebago, where Mr. Jean-Claude Van Damme, the "Muscles From Brussels" will ply his trade against the forces of evil.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Ready at eight?
Daphne Moon: Make it seven-thirty.

Daphne Moon: Explain to me again how you and Mel masquerading as husband and wife is a good thing?
Dr. Niles Crane: Well...
Dr. Frasier Crane: If I may? Uh, Daphne, it's basically to give Mel a little wiggle room so she can get out of this debacle with her dignity intact.
Daphne Moon: [takes Niles's hand] And what about Niles' dignity?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, Maris got that in the divorce.
[laughing]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Sorry, Niles.

[forced to make a toast at Niles and Mel's "wedding reception."]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Love... is an awesome force. It can make us do things we never imagined possible. For you see, we don't actually choose love, it chooses us. And once it has, we are powerless to do anything about it. Ladies and gentlemen, raise your glasses with me in toasting my brother, and the love of his life. For she is truly the woman of his dreams, and my father and I could not be more thrilled with his choice. To the happy couple!


"Frasier: Daphne Returns (#8.19)" (2001)
Dr. Frasier Crane: Dad, uh, what do you say we head out to dinner over at the steak house?
Martin Crane: The steak house! Really?
Dr. Frasier Crane: What the Hell. The blood's just been flying through my arteries lately.

Niles: Help me understand. Why is everyone acting like I've done something wrong? The only thing I am guilty of is loving Daphne, and that's all I've ever done.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes, and how did you love her? From afar. You were never in love *with* her, you were in love *at* her. Now, you've been given a chance to experience her in a real relationship and yet for some reason, you're resisting it. Rather than see her as she really is, you keep holding on to the memory.
Niles: No, that's not true.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Niles, the woman gained sixty pounds! And everyone in the world saw it but you. All you ever saw was a perfect woman in a red dress.
[long pause]
Niles: Okay. If you're right, and that's a big "if", why would I do that?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Maybe Daphne's not the only one who's afraid she won't measure up. Maybe you're afraid too. After all, if it turns out she's not perfect, then there's a chance things won't work out. Then not only will you lose Daphne, but you'll have wasted the last seven years of your life chasing an illusion.

[Roz is thinking of writing a children's book]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Good for you, Roz! You know, I dabbled in juvenile fiction myself. Yes, Niles and I, when we were boys, wrote a series of stories together in which we were the heroes. Along the lines of a Hardy Boys or a Nancy Drew.
Roz Doyle: The Nancy Boys?
Dr. Frasier Crane: [giving her a hooded look] *No.*


"Cheers: Thanksgiving Orphans (#5.9)" (1986)
Norm Peterson: Everybody get enough to eat?
Dr. Frasier Crane: You know, I never had a chance to try the potatoes.
Sam Malone: [scooping mashed potatoes off the mantelpiece onto Frasier's plate] Oh, well here, let me...

Woody Boyd: This is Thanksgiving, and I still say this is going to be the greatest.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, who the hell do we think we're kidding? We're all a bunch of pathetic dropouts. Scorned by our loved ones - as if anybody ever loved us at all.
Sam Malone: Hey, will you lighten up, man? The only thing wrong here is, we're hungry. Now, who else wants to join me in these... ice cold potatoes?
Cliff Clavin: It'll go great here with the Jell-o soup.
Dr. Frasier Crane: I'm dying to try some of the hair growing on the crudités!

Sam Malone: Oh, look at that will you? Nice Rudolph.
Woody Boyd: I made it myself.
Sam Malone: No kidding?
Woody Boyd: You know, Rudolph is my favourite guy in the Christmas song.
Sam Malone: Yeah.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Apparently then Woody, you're unaware that the story of "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" is one of the most unrealistic and therefore potentially damaging in all of children's music. It gives them a horribly distorted view of reality.
Woody Boyd: Yeah, but you got to admit, it's easy to whistle.
Dr. Frasier Crane: No, I'm serious. First the other reindeer tease and then ostracise him. And then when his abnormality proves of service, they use him.
Dr. Frasier Crane: [Sam and Woody are speechless] But then do they allow him to play in their stupid reindeer games?
Sam Malone, Woody Boyd: Yes.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, no, I know how the song goes. In fact, not only do Donner, Blitzen, et al, not love him and laugh out loud with glee, but they doubly dispise the bulbous-nosed little wimp.
Dr. Frasier Crane: [Frasier gets up] Well, I've got to be off. Happy Holidays!
[Frasier leaves, Sam and Woody are shocked]


"Frasier: Fool Me Once, Shame on You, Fool Me Twice... (#2.14)" (1995)
Frasier: Don't stare at me, Eddie. I'm a humane man but in the mood I'm in, I could kick a kitten through an electric fan!

Frasier: You know, I have to tell you, Niles, I'm feeling rather good about this whole thing. Well, granted, I did lose my wallet and my favorite suit, but still, you know, mostly everything else was intact: my... my date book, my... my spare set of car keys, my fountain pen. But best of all, what has remained intact is my sense that people are basically trustworthy.
Dr. Niles Crane: Frasier, the person who has your car keys asked you to meet him here, knowing you'd bring your car?
Frasier: Now, now, before you launch into one of your little paranoid riffs, my car happens to be...
[Frasier turns around and looks out the window]
Frasier: ...moving down the street! Oh my god!
[Frasier and Niles run out of the cafe]
Frasier: Stop! Stop that well-dressed man!

Martin: This world would be a happier place if everybody would remember two little words: people stink.
Frasier: I'm sorry, but that's just a little cynical for me. I don't want to go through life thinking the worst of people. I prefer to think of them as basically good and decent.
[into the phone]
Frasier: Yes, I am here. But, you know, I'm sorry, I'm in the middle of a speech right now, so you'll have to hold.


"Frasier: The Perfect Guy (#5.17)" (1998)
[all the male employees at the station are jealous of the new radio host, an impossibly handsome man]
Gil Chesterson: I must confess, I didn't notice he was all that handsome.
[stunned silence]
Roz: You didn't notice? You of all people?
Gil Chesterson: Just what are you insinuating?
Roz: Well, you know, that you're a little, er...
Gil Chesterson: For your information, I happen to be a happily married man.
[stunned silence]
Frasier: You're... married?
Bulldog: To a woman?
Gil Chesterson: Of course to a woman! You've all heard me mention Deb. Well, how often have I said, "I must be running along now, Deb will be waiting"?
Roz: We thought Deb was your cat.
Gil Chesterson: She is not a cat! She is Mrs. Gilbert Leslie Chesterton, a Sarah Lawrence graduate, and the owner of a very successful auto body repair shop. Honestly, the conclusions people make, just because a man dresses well and knows how to use a pastry bag!
[he exits]
Frasier: Well, that's the first time I've ever seen a man "in" himself.

Roz: I can't work with a guy that handsome...! No offense.
Frasier: Oh, none taken. Granted, when it comes to looks, Dr. Webber and I aren't in the same...
Roz: Species?
Frasier: Well, I was going to say "league," but "species" is so much more insulting!

Dr. Niles Crane: How's it going?
Frasier: Well, let me see, what have you missed? Clint told us about how he learned to fly a plane, and then he recited a sonnet and, oh yes, he fixed my ice machine and he invented a new drink; the "Pink Webber!" I've got Daphne drawing a bath right now; in case the party starts to lag, we can invite him to walk on water, liven things up a bit.


"Frasier: Moon Dance (#3.13)" (1996)
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, we've got about thirty seconds, I think we've got time for one quick call. Hello, Marlene. I'm listening.
Marlene: Oh my God! I'm really on?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes, your problem, please...
[sound of dog barking]
Marlene: Lucky, Lucky, get down! George, get the dog! Oh my god, this is so exciting!
[sound of baby crying]
Marlene: Honey, honey, get the baby. George, get your son! Okay, okay, here it is, Dr. Crane. If my husband and I don't find some time to have sex soon, I think I'm gonna burst. I may even have to go to a department store and pick up a stranger.
[sound of man calling "Hello!"]
Marlene: Oh, kids! Look who's here without calling first, Nana and Pop Pop!
[sighs]
Marlene: I'll call you back.
[hangs up]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, to all you Marlenes out there, let me just say that sex with a stranger is not the answer. Why don't you just pack the kids off with Nana and Pop Pop, lock Lucky downstairs in the basement, grab your husband, take him to the sturdiest kitchen table you have, and let the postman ring twice!

Dr. Frasier Crane: Now to the rest of my listeners, I'll be off on vacation for the next week. So please tune in to my replacement, the noted podiatrist Dr. Gareth Wooten. He'll be discussing the virtues of his new book, "Bunions and Blisters and Corns." Oh my!

Roz Doyle: [as Frasier leaves for his vacation] And don't forget to bring me a present.
Dr. Frasier Crane: I'll get you a nice t-shirt from colonial Williamsburg.
Roz Doyle: You're taking Frederick to Williamsburg? Eew!
Dr. Frasier Crane: No, it's a wonderful vacation spot. We're going to dip candles, tan leather, churn butter...
Roz Doyle: Hey, Frederick Crane! You just finished the first grade! What are you going to do now? "I'm going to Butterworld!"


"Frasier: The Three Faces of Frasier (#7.21)" (2000)
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, suffice it to say, the entire Crane family is now banned from Stefano's.
Martin Crane: Just because of that dumb picture?
Dr. Frasier Crane: No, no, actually, there was a little incident involving Niles, too. He was doing just fine until Stefano took him in some sort of a bear hug and shook him a little too vigorously.
Martin Crane: On the shoes again?
Dr. Frasier Crane: No, this time there was a conveniently-placed lobster tank.
Martin Crane: Poor Niles.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Yeah, it wasn't any picnic for the lobsters either.

Dr. Frasier Crane: What the hell is wrong with me, Dad? You know, I got so obsessed with that damn picture I completely lost my head!
Martin Crane: Well, I think I know what's really going on here.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Really? Well, enlighten us.
Martin Crane: Well, I think there's some stuff in your life that you can't control: the doctor tells you you're getting old, your ratings are low, you're not happy with your love life. And so I think you obsessed about this picture because you figured it was something in your life that you could control.
[pause]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, Dad, you do raise a point.
[Martin looks at him expectantly]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, what the hell, you're dead on. Where did you learn so much about psychology?
Martin Crane: Oh, I listen to radio.

Martin Crane: So they gave you a big forehead. It makes you look smart.
Dr. Frasier Crane: It makes me look like I discovered fire!


"Frasier: The Show Must Go Off (#8.12)" (2001)
Dr. Frasier Crane: Let me be frank because an artist of your caliber deserves honesty. An acting performance is a journey of discovery. This brief rehearsal time that we've given you is - is far too short to reach... Parnassus, home of the muses.
Dr. Niles Crane: Forgive us for being so blunt.

Dr. Frasier Crane: The man has no instincts. Just stinks.

Dr. Niles Crane: Frasier, this is going to be humiliating. Not just for us, but for Jackson. What are we gonna do?
Dr. Frasier Crane: What all good producers do. We'll shut down and blame the director!


"Frasier: Chess Pains (#3.18)" (1996)
Dr. Frasier Crane: Daphne, I would rather have a tarantula lay eggs in my ear than listen to any more of this puppet show.

[after Niles introduces his dog, clearly a canine substitute for Maris]
Daphne Moon: Am I the only one?
Dr. Frasier Crane, Martin Crane: No.
Daphne Moon: Does Dr. Crane have any idea...?
Dr. Frasier Crane, Martin Crane: No.

Dr. Niles Crane: There's a saying: "In every boy's life, the moment of greatest joy and greatest sorrow is when he defeats his father for the first time."
Dr. Frasier Crane: If you're suggesting that I'm afraid to beat Dad, you can just stop right there.
Dr. Niles Crane: O.K. The other option is, he's better than you.
Dr. Frasier Crane: You were saying?
Dr. Niles Crane: Sooner or later, the son eclipses the father. It's the natural order. Yet it's frequently a stumbling block because the son's competitive stirrings are accompanied by tremendous feelings of guilt.


"Frasier: A Day in May (#8.23)" (2001)
Dr. Niles Crane: Hey Roz, hello Alice. What brings you here?
Roz Doyle: Oh, Frasier loaned me his car, I backed mine into a telephone pole.
Dr. Frasier Crane: You said you were getting a tune-up!
Roz Doyle: [leaving hastily] It needs one, trust me!

Dr. Frasier Crane: Good lord, that man is obviously in pain, the least you could be is a little sympathetic!
Lana Gardner: I have been sympathetic for fifteen months! I had him over for Thanksgiving! He got drunk the first half-hour and cried himself to sleep in my coat closet! And I consider that one of our good days!

[Frasier and Lana are building a popsicle stick house]
Dr. Frasier Crane: You know, there was a time back in high school, when I would have paid a thousand dollars to watch you eat a popsicle.
[She just looks at him with the popsicle in her mouth... and bites off the end, making him flinch]
Dr. Frasier Crane: It was a long time ago.


"Cheers: No Rest for the Woody (#10.14)" (1992)
Woody Boyd: Well, I've drawn up a list of names of the people I want to invite to the party, the only problem is I only get to invite a few. Where do you draw the line?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, Woody, something that Lilith and I find helpful when we plan a party is to simply start at the bottom of the list and eliminate the least desirable.
Woody Boyd: [excited] OK. Cranes are out! Thanks Dr. Crane. That *was* helpful.

[Frasier is trying to calm Carla, who doesn't want to take a blood test]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Carla, Carla, please. Now listen. Just look into my eyes and listen very carefully to every word I say. All he's going to do is plunge this large bore needle into your tissue until it reaches a vein, at which point the beating of your heart will cause your blood to gush into this vial with the viscous crimson serum.
[Carla faints]
Dr. Frasier Crane: [to Gordon, the man who's taking the blood samples] There you go. Top her up.

[the Insurance Agent has taken Woody's blood]
Woody Boyd: Do I get a cookie?
Insurance Agent: I'm sorry, no.
Woody Boyd: Why not? The other place gave me a cookie.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Woody, are you saying you've already given blood today?
Woody Boyd: Is that bad?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes, it's bad. You're suffering from a lack of blood and a lack of sleep. I'm surprised you're not hallucinating.
Woody Boyd: Ah, that's a good one, Dr. Crane. Hallucinating.
[Kelly enters]
Kelly Gaines: Woody, why aren't you ready for the party?
Woody Boyd: What party? Who are you? Why am I covered with ants?


"Frasier: The Two Hundredth (#9.8)" (2001)
[during Frasier's 2,000th show]
Frasier: Roz, what do we have next?
Roz: It's time for another blooper.
Frasier: Oh, well, I believe we're up to number four, as voted by you, the listeners. Here's what happened when a certain producer didn't realize her microphone was on, during the show...
Roz: [on tape] Now what the-
[beep]
Roz: Is this? You call this a-
[beep]
Roz: Paycheck? How the-
[beep]
Roz: Am I supposed to live on this-?!
[beep]
Roz: I'm gonna have a little word with that-
[beep]
Roz: -damn station manager, walking around here like he owns the mother-
[beep]
Roz: -ing place!
Kenny: [who's entered] Can't believe that wasn't voted number one.

Frasier: That's it. I'm quirky. I'm delightfully quirky.
Dr. Niles Crane: Do you realize that your delightful quirk has brought your life to a standstill?
Frasier: Niles, I've just finished my two thousandth show. I'm exhausted, physically and emotionally. I believe that I am entitled to an entire weekend of doing nothing, don't you?
Dr. Niles Crane: Do you know you have your pajamas on backwards?
Frasier: Another delightful quirk of mine.
Dr. Niles Crane: Not from where I'm sitting.

Dr. Niles Crane: All right, I'll get the car.
Frasier: I'll put on some pants.
Dr. Niles Crane: Zipper goes in front.


"Frasier: Shutout in Seattle: Part 1 (#6.23)" (1999)
Frasier: You know, if anybody's hungry, we've got plenty of goodies here from Le Cigare Volante. Cassandra's the pastry chef there.
Faye: She is? I thought I was.
Frasier: I'm so sorry! God, I did it again. I guess I must have her name on my mind.
Faye: Well, that's okay. Just try to remember mine.
[pause]
Faye: Faye!

Frasier: You know, this is sort of a surprise, I guess. We didn't expect to see the two of you together.
Kit: [her arms around Niles] Oh, I had my eye him from the minute I saw him. He's always so neatly put together. I just couldn't wait to mess him up!
Dr. Niles Crane: And mission accomplished!
Frasier: So, Niles, you haven't seen Maris then since Sunday?
Dr. Niles Crane: Oh, is that who you thought I was here with? That's funny. No wonder you were upset.
Kit: Who's Maris?
Dr. Niles Crane: My ex-wife.
Kit: Well, if you want to see her too, that's cool. I told you, no strings... Just FUN!
Martin Crane: You always want your kids to have more than you had.

[after Daphne hides her ring-less hand from Donny's gaze by pretending to be busy in the kitchen]
Frasier: You know, Daphne, if that ring never turns up, that chicken works, too. Just see how it catches the light...


"Frasier: Three Valentines (#6.14)" (1999)
Roz Doyle: [answers phone] Hello?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Roz, it's Frasier. Look, I need your help.
Roz Doyle: Well, I don't have much time, I'm on my way out.
Dr. Frasier Crane: OK, just answer me this: How do you know if you're on a date?
Roz Doyle: Are you alone?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes.
Roz Doyle: Then you're not on a date.

Dr. Frasier Crane: I'm in Cassandra's hotel room. She invited me up here after dinner. I'm just not sure what it means.
Roz Doyle: What it means? What it means is that even a blind pig finds an acorn once in a while.

Dr. Frasier Crane: You know, Cassandra, I know this may sound like a silly question seeing as how we're... in bed together and... nearly naked, and... I've just been wondering: Is this a romantic date, or... a business thing?


"Frasier: The Impossible Dream (#4.3)" (1996)
[Frasier is having doubts about his sexuality]
Frasier: I was sensitive as a child; I didn't go in for sports. God, it's every cliche in the book. Surely it must have occurred to you at some point? You refused to take me to see "West Side Story" on my eighth birthday.
Martin: Well, because of the gangs. That's scary for kids.
Frasier: Even gangs that dance?
Martin: Especially gangs that dance!

Niles: [demonstrating word association] Crescent... moon... Daphne Moon... French maid... brass bed... satin robe...
Frasier: This is my dream.
Niles: I was just showing you the process.
Frasier: You were three words away from a cigarette!

Frasier: I'm on a bus to Hell.


"Frasier: Fortysomething (#1.20)" (1994)
Carrie: Excuse me, Dr. Crane?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Hi, Carrie.
Carrie: Hi. I have your pants.
Bob 'Bulldog' Briscoe: Whoa, doc!
[honks horn]
Bob 'Bulldog' Briscoe: Where'd you leave them?
Dr. Frasier Crane: They're new, Bulldog. Some of the finer department stores deliver garments to their busier customers.
Carrie: Actually, we don't. I just thought it would be nice to see you again.
Bob 'Bulldog' Briscoe: Excuse me. You look very familiar. Didn't I let you pour a flaming tequila shooter down my throat at Sloppy Nick's during ah, last year's Indy 500?
Carrie: Ahhh, no.
Bob 'Bulldog' Briscoe: Well, what are you doing next Memorial Day?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Bulldog, as certain as I am that any young lady in the world would love to set your face on fire, Carrie, I believe, is here to see me.
Bob 'Bulldog' Briscoe: Okay. Hey, you can't blame a dog for trying. Just on the off chance it might make a difference, I drive a '94 Camaro.
[He leaves]
Carrie: Is he gay?
[Frasier looks at her, surprised]
Carrie: I've been studying about this in school, and it seems like he's really overcompensating.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes, well, I'm not sure. But I certainly look forward to running that theory by him.

Dr. Frasier Crane: Hello, Rachel. I'm listening.
Rachel: Oh, thanks for taking my call, Dr. Crane. Um, I'm involved in sort of a strange love triangle.
Dr. Frasier Crane: [mutes the mike] Oh goody, this is sweeps week!
Rachel: You see, I recently married a widower. Now, Phil's a real good man, he's a kind man. But there's just one little problem. He insists on keeping an urn with his late wife's ashes on the dresser in our bedroom.
Dr. Frasier Crane: That is a definite "Yikes!"
Rachel: See, I knew that wasn't normal! He says it is, but I knew it wasn't!
Dr. Frasier Crane: All right, Rachel, Rachel, now listen. Before you go off half-cocked, let's try to remember this is a very sensitive issue for your husband. Obviously those ashes mean a very great deal to him. And although I don't believe it's appropriate that he keep them in the bedroom, I suppose you could maybe move them to another room?
Rachel: Well, I guess I could try that. Maybe I'll move them into the guest room.
[sound of crockery breaking]
Rachel: Oops.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Rachel, what happened?
Rachel: Oh... oh, nothing. I gotta run, Dr. Crane. I've got some vacuuming to do.

Dr. Frasier Crane: Niles, I'm 41. That's hardly middle-aged. Middle age is more like 50, 55.
Dr. Niles Crane: Only if you live to be 110.


"Frasier: Dad Loves Sherry, the Boys Just Whine (#4.9)" (1997)
Daphne Moon: [to Sherry] You know, I keep meaning to ask, what's that lovely perfume you're wearing?
Frasier: Yes, I've been wondering that myself.
Sherry: It's called Milady's Boudoir. You wouldn't believe what a bargain it is. For a hundred bucks, I can buy enough to drown myself in.
Niles: [to Frasier] I've got 60.
Frasier: Yeah.

Frasier: You old fraud!
Martin Crane: What?
Frasier: You made her think she'd broken your heart.
Martin Crane: Well, of course I did. If a woman breaks up with you, you have to act sad. It's only polite.
Frasier: Polite? My God, Dad, guilt is a very destructive emotion...
Martin Crane: Ah, spare me the Ivy League bull. There ain't a dame alive who wouldn't rather break a guy's heart than think she hadn't even made a dent in it. I may not have been to Harvard, but I have been to the College of Love.
Frasier: Apparently on a Spillane Fellowship!

[on Sherry]
Frasier: Dad has to be politely told that even though he may enjoy her company he has no right to... what's the polite word for "inflict"?


"Cheers: One for the Road (#11.25)" (1993)
[Norm and Cliff are watching the National ACE Cable Awards on television]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Are you watching for any particular category?
Cliff Clavin: Yes, the Most Impressive Display of Female Flesh in the, uh, Tight Fitting Dress.

[Frasier is helping Woody prepare a speech]
Woody Boyd: "I believe I was elected to the City Council as an agent of change. And I fully intend to live up to that pledge: I will make change."
Dr. Frasier Crane: Change 'change' to 'a change'.
Woody Boyd: A what?
Dr. Frasier Crane: You see, in here, you make 'change'. There, you make 'a change'. So, just make the change. Change 'make change' to 'make *a* change'.
Dr. Frasier Crane: [frustrated and yells] Oh, just change it!
[Frasier storms off]
Woody Boyd: [to Norm] Boy, I think I see why Dr. Crane never cures anybody.

Rebecca Howe: Can you believe that? I shoot for Donald Trump, and I end up with Ed Norton.
Dr. Frasier Crane: But you did good, Rebecca.
Rebecca Howe: I did, didn't I? Bye!
Sam Malone: See ya, Trixie!


"Cheers: The Girl in the Plastic Bubble (#11.7)" (1992)
Cliff Clavin: Well Doc, if it means anything to you, I'm here for you.
Dr. Frasier Crane: It doesn't Cliff, but thanks.

Norm Peterson: Ah Frase, you know marriage is a very tricky thing. Takes a lot of work and sacrifice and compromise from both parties to keep it fresh and rewarding.
Dr. Frasier Crane: How can you say that? You work less at your marriage than anyone else in the world.
Norm Peterson: I was hoping the irony would cheer you up.

Sam Malone: Frasier, Fras-don't listen to him, man. So it didn't work out with Lilith, you know. What's the big deal? That's ok. What about your friends? What about me, I care for you. Hell, I love you, man!
[the crowd gathered behind him aww's and applauds]
Sam Malone: [addressing the crowd] Yeah, I said it. A guy can love another guy without being the kind of guy who loves other guys.
Sam Malone: [directs his attention back to Frasier] You knew what I was saying, didn't ya, Fras? You didn't think that I meant... the 'other' thing, did ya?
Dr. Frasier Crane: [makes a head/shoulder gesture that can be construed as, 'I knew what you meant']


"Frasier: Decoys (#6.16)" (1999)
Dr. Frasier Crane: Niles, one last warning. Take it from someone who knows you both: you and Roz are NOT a good couple.
Dr. Niles Crane: I understand you're saying that, but believe me, I have seen a new Roz today and underneath that brazen exterior she is a sweet, sensitive, shy and vulnerable woman.
Roz Doyle: [calling from kitchen] Niles, have you seen my nipples?

Dr. Frasier Crane: Niles, the butcher shop was closed, so here I am with all my spices, everything I need to make my duck a l'orange - all I've got's the l'orange!
Martin Crane: [noticing the rack of shotguns by the door] Well, looks like we're going to have get our ducks the old-fashioned way! But we better get a move on, there's only a couple hours of daylight left.
Dr. Niles Crane: Yes, you know, I saw some boxs of ammo in the mud room, Dad, through the kitchen.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Are you insane? I'm not going to shoot any ducks; it's barbaric!
Martin Crane: Oh, I get it! You'll eat them but you won't kill them. What do you think, these things are born "a l'orange?"

[Martin and Frasier think Niles has asked Roz out]
Dr. Frasier Crane: *Roz*?
Dr. Niles Crane: Well, didn't you encourage me to make a fresh start?
Dr. Frasier Crane: True, but I gotta tell you, Niles, Roz isn't the freshest start you could make!


"Cheers: Dinner at Eight-ish (#5.20)" (1987)
Diane Chambers: Our relationship was a two-way street.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes, and I was run over in both directions.

Dr. Frasier Crane: [after locking Lilith and Diane in the bathroom] You know, I don't think I can stand all this caterwauling. What do you say we go upstairs? I've got all thirteen episodes of "I, Claudius" on tape.
Sam Malone: Great. I love gladiator flicks.

Dr. Frasier Crane: [after Lillith has locked herself in the bathroom, Sam and Diane arrive and ask of her whereabouts] Oh, she's around somewhere.
[Calling out to Lillith in the bathroom]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Peach Blossom: don't make yourself too beautiful, I can hardly stand to look at you now!


"Frasier: Shrink Rap (#3.2)" (1995)
Niles: I hope you're happy!
Frasier: If I were, Doctor, you'd never know it!

Daphne: [in flashback, talking to Frasier] I don't know how you put up with him.
Niles: [cut to present time in a shrink's office] LIAR! LIAR! Daphne never said that!
Frasier: Well, she said it with body language.
Niles: I happen to be fluent in that language, and she said no such thing!

Niles: Are you insane?
Frasier: If I were, DOCTOR, you'd never know!


"Cheers: Whodunit? (#3.13)" (1985)
Sam Malone: What seems to be the problem here, folks?
Frasier Crane: Well, Sam, my colleague has dropped a crumb during dinner, and in the intervening hours it has been encrusted on his tie.
Cliff Clavin: Oh what, you can take Norm's tie here, put it in a kettle and make soup. Incidently, it's a little known fact that the tie was invented in ancient times to be used as a bib, you know, to wipe your chin.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: You mean they're thinking of changing that?
Sam Malone: Why don't you just tell the guy that he's got a spot?
Frasier Crane: [mockingly] Gee, that's an idea. Why didn't we just come to Sam in the first place? Sam, you just don't say, "there's a spot on your tie" to a man the stature of Dr. Bennett Ludlow.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: THE Bennett Ludlow?
Diane Chambers: You've heard of him, Coach?
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: No.
Frasier Crane: Coach, he's only one of the true giants of psychiatry: author, innovator, educator and I'm not ashamed to say my idol and inspiration.
Norm Peterson: All right, you lean over, you pretend you're admiring his tie tack, and then just nibble the morsel off really quick. Who's the wiser?!
Diane Chambers: Sam is right. We have to tell him.
Frasier Crane: Of course you're right. Oh Sam, may we have three brandies please. And I guess I'm the one who should tell him. After all, I'm the one who suggested beef wellington.
Norm Peterson: Beef wellington, you say?!
[makes a motion toward Bennett Ludlow]
Norm Peterson: Where's that tie?!
Frasier Crane: Just have to find a way to tell him as subtle and tactful a way that will allow him to preserve his dignity.
[meanwhile Carla approaches Bennett Ludlow's table]
Carla Tortelli: Hey, Pigpen. What's that thing?
[points at the crumb on his tie]
Carla Tortelli: What are you trying, to catch pidgeons? Ew.
[picks the crumb off his tie]
Dr. Bennett Ludlow: Thank you very much.
Carla Tortelli: Ah, don't mention it. I like a man who wears his dinner with pride.

Frasier Crane: [about the possibility that Bennett Ludlow and Carla are dating] Sam, you're talking about one of the most distinguished and accomplished men of letters I know, dating a common barmaid.
Sam Malone: You're dating a barmaid.
Frasier Crane: Well, she wasn't a barmaid when I met her.
Sam Malone: Oh, that's right, that's right. She was a lunatic.

Diane Chambers: [Sam suspects Carla is dating Frasier's mentor] Frasier is in a very fragile state of mind. Your asinine theories, while suitable fodder for inane bar conversation, do nothing to ease his fit of pique.
Sam Malone: Wait a minute here. The one word I understood in that, I don't exactly care for. My theory is not asinine.
[as Diane talks, Ludlow enters the bar, and embraces Carla]
Diane Chambers: You're right. It's a lot worse. Think of the two of them together. Bennett Ludlow and Carla? It's harebrained! Just imagine it.
[Diane turns around and sees the embrace, then turns back to Sam]
Diane Chambers: Well, you don't have to imagine it. There it is. Have you ever...
[Diane does a double take]
Diane Chambers: AHHHH!
Sam Malone: No, I guess I haven't.
Frasier Crane: Diane, what's...
[Frasier turns and sees Carla and Ludlow]
Frasier Crane: AHHHH!


"Cheers: I Call Your Name (#3.3)" (1984)
Frasier Crane: So Sam, tell me. You've been with a lot of women. When you were with one of them, did she ever call out another man's name?
Sam Malone: Well I don't think so, but then who listens. Usually I have the stereo turned up and other things on my mind.

Diane Chambers: [Diane confronts Frasier about his having told Sam that she called out Sam's name in bed] Why would you tell him anything to begin with?
Frasier Crane: I was looking for some insight.
Diane Chambers: Insight? From a man whose idea of intellectual stimulation is to count aloud with Big Bird?

Frasier Crane: Well, I understand the local Boston Red Sox baseball franchise has a herculean task of it to qualify for the postseason tournament.
Sam Malone: Yeah, they really stink this year.
Frasier Crane: Stink? Interesting theory.


"Frasier: Taking Liberties (#8.5)" (2000)
Ted Fisher: Is that Ferguson, the Colonel's butler?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes, we felt compelled to take him in after the Colonel passed.
Ted Fisher: Yes, we felt the same sense of duty with his art collection.

Dr. Niles Crane: No, Mel, why don't you listen for once? I'm through.
Dr. Mel Karnofsky: I'll tell you when you're through, you spineless twit, and you're not even close!
Dr. Frasier Crane: [awkwardly to his party guests] Opera time! Opera time! On to the show.
Dr. Niles Crane: That's it, Mel, I'm sick of these games.
Dr. Mel Karnofsky: Niles, don't make a scene.
Dr. Niles Crane: I don't care. I love Daphne. And I'm not putting her through this torture another second. This sham of a marriage is over.

Dr. Niles Crane: Frasier, I'm... I'm sorry I ruined your evening.
Dr. Frasier Crane: It's all right, Niles. It's a small price to pay to finally see you and Daphne together.


"Frasier: To Tell the Truth (#6.15)" (1999)
Martin: [trying to convince Frasier to lie about Niles' feelings for Daphne in his divorce proceedings] You're really not going to go down there tomorrow and blow it for him, are you?
Frasier: Dad, there is nothing more I'd like to do than to help my brother. But I would like to find a way to do it without violating my ethics!
Martin: But Maris is responsible for this divorce! Niles's feelings for Daphne has nothing to do with it! Now, if you cover for Niles you won't be doing anything wrong.
Frasier: Dad, we are talking about perjury! When is that ever acceptable?
Martin: Oh, you want an example? Fine! Let's say, uh, what if there was a comet hurtling towards the earth...
Frasier: Oh, for God's sake!
Martin: And you were the only person who could save the earth, but the only way to do it is by lying under oath. Would you do it then?
Frasier: Who am I lying to, the comet?
Martin: Oh, just answer the question!
Frasier: All right, I suppose in certain extreme cases...
Martin: So, then you'd lie?
Frasier: To save mankind from a talking comet, yes!

Donny Douglas: Now, look, they're also going to allege that during the separation, Niles was wasteful with money.
Niles: Wha...? She's calling ME wasteful?
Donny Douglas: Mmm-hmm.
Niles: Do you recall what she used to do when one of our dogs needed a shampoo?
Frasier: Yes, she'd fill the bathtub with Evian!
Niles: Half the time she'd just get a new dog!

Frasier: Do you really want to see me lying under oath?
Martin: Well, it's better than seeing your brother lying under a piano.
Frasier: You know, I can't believe you're being so casual about this. Do you realize you're asking me to do something completely unethical?
Martin: Oh, for God's sake, nobody's even gonna know!
Frasier: Yes, but that's the point! Ethics are what we do when no one else is looking. For heaven's sake, I learned that from you.


"Frasier: The Ski Lodge (#5.14)" (1998)
[following an embarrassing series of romantic misunderstandings that has seen everyone chase everyone else]
Frasier: Wait, wait, wait. Let me see if I've got this straight. All the lust coursing through this lodge tonight, all the hormones virtually ricocheting off the walls, and no one... was chasing me?
[there is an embarrassed pause from everyone]
Frasier: See you at breakfast.

[about Frasier's crush on Daphne's friend Annie]
Niles: I grant you she's comely, but don't you find her a tad - what would the polite euphemism be? - stupid?
Frasier: Niles, she is just unschooled, like Liza Doolittle. Find her the right Henry Higgins, she'll be ready for a ball in no time!
Niles: Leave it to you to put the "pig" back in "Pygmalion."

Guy: You are not the Crane I want!
Frasier: You're not even the *sex* I want!


"Frasier: Martin Does It His Way (#3.3)" (1995)
Frasier: Hello, Eileen, I'm listening.
Eileen: Dr. Crane, I've been very happily married for twenty years and I wouldn't dream of cheating, but lately when we're making love I find myself fantasizing about people... other than my husband.
Frasier: Well, that's perfectly normal. It's quite normal to spice up one's love life by imagining a tryst with, oh, a sports figure or a movie star or...
Eileen: Or a radio psychiatrist?
Frasier: Excuse me?
Eileen: It's your voice, Dr. Crane. You must have the most sensuous voice on earth.
Frasier: [sensuously] Oh, I don't know, Eileen.
Eileen: I've never seen your picture. Would you mind describing yourself?
Frasier: Oh, well I don't really think that's appropriate...
Roz: I'll do it.
Frasier: Roz, I don't think...
Roz: He's about six-one, with a granite jaw and the broad shoulders of a marine. He's been wearing his hair short lately but that only accentuates his cobalt blue eyes, his chiseled cheekbones and his full, provocative lips.
Eileen: Wow! Thanks, Roz, and thank you, Dr. Crane. I'll be thinking of you tonight. With any luck, twice!
Frasier: Well, this is Dr. Frasier Crane feeling a little red in his chiseled cheeks. Till tomorrow then, this is KACL 780 AM.

[on the morning of Frasier's aunt's funeral, Daphne sneezes explosively]
Frasier: God bless you, Daphne. Are you sure you're up to coming to the memorial?
Daphne Moon: Oh, it's just a little cold. Besides, in my family, when there was a funeral everybody went. I remember when Grammy Moon passed on. My brothers had been off on a three-day bender. They couldn't even stand on their own - pissed as newts! But they crawled to that chapel on their hands and knees.
Frasier: Very commendable.
Daphne Moon: Yeah, well, they had an obligation. They were the pallbearers.

[about Aunt Louise]
Martin: Every year she was gonna take a trip to the South Pacific. It was a big dream, but would she spend the money? No, she just sat around whining all the time about how she'd like to be in a warmer climate.
Frasier: My guess is she finally made it.


"Frasier: Murder Most Maris (#11.8)" (2003)
[Repeated line]
Frasier: Are you forgetting that just this afternoon I was punched in the face by a man now dead?

[Maris has been arrested for murder]
Frasier: Well, you've got to admit, Niles, it doesn't look very good.
Niles: I can't believe she could have planned this. You do learn something about a woman when you've slept in a room next to hers for fifteen years.

Frasier: Wow, Roz, that was persuasive.
Roz: Yeah, well, there's nothing worse than waking up naked with a bunch of cops standing around. I've been there...


"Frasier: The Babysitter (#11.4)" (2003)
Dr. Niles Crane: [after Frasier pulls something out of a box of Velveeta] What's that?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Viagra.
Dr. Niles Crane: They sell that in Velveeta?

Martin Crane: [discussing Ronee] I thought you brought her here for me!
Dr. Frasier Crane: Since when do I bring you women? Who are you, the Sultan of Brunei?

[Martin leaves for his date with Ronee]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Dad, don't you want to take your "cheese"?
Martin Crane: No, thanks, boys. I'm working without a net.


"Frasier: The Seal Who Came to Dinner (#6.8)" (1998)
Claudia Kynock: But I do want to mention that we may be replacing one of our nationally syndicated hosts, The Happy Traveler.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, yes. The Happy Traveler. How's that coming?
Claudia Kynock: Not well. Unless they get more realistic with those ransom demands, he's never coming out of that jungle.

Dr. Frasier Crane: Niles, because of that woman in there and a scrappy band of Third World rebels, I am this close to getting a national radio show of my own!

Dr. Frasier Crane: [Frasier and Niles are entering Maris' beach house, which has a burglar alarm] I hope you're right about the alarm code, Niles. People do change them.
Dr. Niles Crane: Maris will never change this one. It's her ideal weight, what she weighed at her debutante ball.
[enters the alarm code on the control panel inside]
Dr. Niles Crane: This many pounds and that many ounces.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Good Lord! No one could weigh that and live!


"Frasier: Slow Tango in South Seattle (#2.1)" (1994)
Dr. Frasier Crane: [after a much younger man comes to call on Miss Warner] Are you and he...?
Clarise Warner: Uh huh. I wasn't interested in 40 year old men then, and I guess I'm still not.

Mrs. Warner: [Frasier has mistaken Mrs. Warner for Clarise] Dear, this is Frasier Crane. Apparently, we were quite an item once.
Clarise Warner: Frasier Crane? Well, what are you doing here?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Obviously making an enormous mistake.

Dr. Frasier Crane: I can't believe this. I simply cannot believe it.
Martin: What are you yapping about?
Dr. Frasier Crane: This... this book. It was written by a man I knew. He's taken an incident from my own life - something I shared with him in confidence one night - and he's turned it into this... this trash!
Daphne Moon: "Slow Tango"? I just started reading that. You mean to tell me that young man is based on you, Dr. Crane?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes, he is, but did Thomas Jay Fallow have the grace to thank me? No! My name isn't even listed in his acknowledgements!
Martin: What's it about, anyway?
Dr. Frasier Crane: That is not important.
Daphne Moon: It's about his first time.
Dr. Frasier Crane: [sarcastically] Thank you, Daphne.
Niles: Your first time doing what?
Dr. Frasier Crane: [sarcastic again] Changing a flat tire.
Niles: Oh... oh!
Martin: So this whole book's about the night you conceived Frederick?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Very amusing, dad. I'll have you know that was not my first time.
Martin: Hey, I'm happy to know it wasn't your only time.
Niles: Just who was this charitable lass?
Dr. Frasier Crane: That is not important.
Daphne Moon: His piano teacher.
Martin: His piano teacher?
Dr. Frasier Crane: [sarcastically] Thank you again, Daphne!


"Frasier: Momma Mia (#7.1)" (1999)
Frasier: Look, frankly, I wish you'd start seeing someone about this bug phobia of yours.
Niles: It is not a phobia. I have a healthy fear of our natural predators. It's us versus them and frankly I'm starting to wonder just whose side you're on.

[after Frasier has yelled at Niles and been asked what happened]
Frasier: Niles dropped a huge log right on to my hand when he was startled by a moth!
Niles: It wasn't a moth, it was a bat! I could tell by that eerie, high-pitched scream.
Frasier: That was *you*!


"Frasier: High Holidays (#11.11)" (2003)
[about Martin's excessive Christmas decorating]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Ah yes, the magical time of year when the Great Wall of China and my apartment are the only two man-made structures visible from space.

Frasier: Dad, when you were at the cafe today you didn't eat a brownie Roz bought for Niles, did you?
Martin: [In his boxers holding a carton of ice cream] Yeah, but I replaced it...
Frasier: For God's sake! That was a pot brownie, you're stoned off your ass!


"Frasier: Goodnight, Seattle: Part 2 (#11.24)" (2004)
[last lines]
Frasier: Wish me luck.

Frasier: "It may be that the gulfs will wash us down, It may be we shall touch the Happy Isles, and though We are not now that strength which in old days Moved earth and heaven, that which we are, we are."
[dissolve to Frasier's final broadcast]
Frasier: Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will, To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield." I've been thinking about that poem a lot lately. And I think what it says is that, while it's tempting to play it safe, the more we're willing to risk, the more alive we are. In the end, what we regret most are the chances we never took. And I hope that explains a little this journey on which I'm about to embark. I have loved every minute with my KACL family and all of you. For eleven years you have heard me say, "I'm listening." Well, you were listening too. And for that I am eternally grateful. Goodnight, Seattle.


"Frasier: The Guilt Trippers (#9.23)" (2002)
[Martin greets Frasier the morning after he slept with Roz]
Martin: You see the paper yet?
Frasier: Uh, no, I haven't.
Martin: Big story about how Roz's purse spent the night on the coffee table.

Frasier: [on Roz] You know what she's going to see when she looks at me now?
Martin: Your naked body.
Frasier: Oh, dear God! I was going to say, "somebody that's betrayed her trust," but oh, dear God!


"Cheers: Fear Is My Co-Pilot (#4.21)" (1986)
Diane Chambers: [about her post-Frasier Europe life] I guess for a brief while I was danger's mistress.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Is there anyone who's mistress you weren't?!

Woody Boyd: Every day at five, this guy comes in and blabbers and blabbers, talks my ear off. I don't know what to do.
Carla Tortelli: Why don't you do what I do - tell him to shut his fat, ugly mouth.
Woody Boyd: Oh, no, it's not Mr. Clavin.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Woody, Woody, calm yourself; there's no need for concern. I'm sure he's just a lonely man who wandered in here one day and found a sympathetic ear. Unfortunately, indulging him will only aggravate the problem. You see, people in this situation have a tendency to prattle on endlessly, totally unaware of how others are receiving this unwanted, innocuous information. Now the next time a neurotic personality such as this gets off on one of these jags, just turn your back and walk away.
[Everybody walks away from Frasier]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Because, you see, the important thing is... just a second, I want to... Oh, you merry band!
[laughs]


"Cheers: Cry Harder (#8.26)" (1990)
Frasier: Well, it's always good to see justice done, but I have to tell you, I hate to think of that poor man in prison. Those wretched places are filled with the worst degenerates, the most worthless dirty scum ever on this planet.
Norm: Frase, why would you say that?
Frasier: Well, I was a prison counselor. You know, very often, I was their only friend.

Robin: [to Rebecca] I must run. I have a meeting with counsel to discuss my defense strategy. Can't have you be the bride of a convict.
Frasier: If he goes to jail, he'll be the bride of a convict. The social life of those people is shocking.


"Frasier: I'm Listening (#11.6)" (2003)
[Niles and Daphne go to a doo-wop concert to suck up to a reclusive nursery painter]
Frasier: [talking on his cell phone] Oh good, Niles, you're back. How was the concert? Well, you're the one who wanted that cloud mural. I'm sure Pope Julius had to jump through similar hoops to get Michelangelo to paint his ceiling.

[Martin grunts]
Frasier: Was that a "leave me alone" grunt or a "you've bested me again, son, with your unassailable logic" grunt?
[Martin grunts again]
Frasier: I thought so.


"Frasier: The Wizard and Roz (#8.20)" (2001)
Roz Doyle: What are you doing?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, I was just saying how great you are.
Roz Doyle: No, you're giving me the 'It's not you, it's me' speech. If anyone should be giving that speech it's me, not you.

Dr. Niles Crane: Uh, if you two don't mind, Daphne's psychic evaluator is on the way over and we'd like to use the living room.
Martin Crane: Oh, fine by me. That stuff creeps me out anyway.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Niles I still can't believe you ever agreed to this. Those tests are based on nothing more than subjective evidence and lucky guesses.
Daphne Moon: Yes, nothing at all like the subjective evidence and lucky guesses psychiatry is based on.
Martin Crane: [smugly] Thank you.


"Cheers: Home Is the Sailor (#6.1)" (1987)
Dr. Frasier Crane: "O Death in Life, the days that are no more." Who said that?
Woody Boyd: Who said what?
Dr. Frasier Crane: "O Death in Life, the days that are no more."
Woody Boyd: You did.
Dr. Frasier Crane: No, I mean, who said it first?
Woody Boyd: You said it both times.

Woody Boyd: Sam, what happened to your round the world sail?
Sam Malone: Well, it kind of lost some of it's appeal, Woody, after I sank.
Woody Boyd, Carla Tortelli, Dr. Frasier Crane: Sank? Where?
Sam Malone: Somewhere in the Caribbean.
Woody Boyd: You must feel terrible.
Sam Malone: Well, no, not really. You know, a lot of good came out of it. I discovered a reef that nobody had ever heard of. They even named it after me: No Brains Atoll.


"Cheers: Head Over Hill (#10.9)" (1991)
[Woody is on the phone with an unknown person]
Woody Boyd: Hold on. I'll check.
[Woody goes over to the refrigerator then goes back to talk to the person on the phone]
Woody Boyd: Yeah, the refrigerator's running. Thank you for asking.
[listens]
Woody Boyd: What? How could it possibly get away? A refrigerator doesn't have the power of movement.
[listens]
Woody Boyd: Well yeah, sure I get it, but see, running the way you're using it could only mean working. See, it's what we call a homonym.
[listens]
Woody Boyd: I'm sorry too.
[Woody hangs up the phone]
Woody Boyd: [to Norm, fingering the crazy motion] Boy, Mr. Peterson, some people.
[Frasier and Lilith walk out of the bar hallway where the pay phones are located]
Dr. Frasier Crane: [to Lilith] You tried to explain the joke. That's the problem.

Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: Frasier, I cannot believe you revealed what is essentially a profesional confidence.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Sweetheart, did she pay you a dime?
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: No.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Then why are we having this discussion?


"Frasier: How to Bury a Millionaire (#6.7)" (1998)
Dr. Niles Crane: All right, that's it, enough is enough!
Dr. Frasier Crane: Niles, who are you calling?
Dr. Niles Crane: I am calling Maris! I'm going to beg her to take me back!
Martin Crane: You don't want to do that!
Dr. Niles Crane: Oh, yes, I do! Life with Maris wasn't so bad! It was my fault! I was too rigid! I was always making demands!
Dr. Frasier Crane: Niles...
Dr. Niles Crane: "Eat something! Unlock this door! Don't throw that!"

Daphne Moon: You know, it's funny how much Eddie misses that bird of Dr. Crane's. This morning, a pigeon landed on the terrace. Eddie jumped up excited, ran over and started barking at it!
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh yes, he does that all the time.
Daphne Moon: No, no, this was a different sort of bark, like...
[excited]
Daphne Moon: "You're not my bird! Don't fly over here and get my hopes up like that! You're not my bird!" It was silly and sad at the same time, you know?
Dr. Frasier Crane: [deadpan] Firsthand.


"Cheers: Rat Girl (#9.24)" (1991)
Frasier: [to Lilith] Darling. What's wrong? You look so somber.
Carla: How can you tell?
Frasier: [aside to Carla] Took a shot, got lucky.

Frasier: [about Lilith] Why would she be carrying a dead rat in her purse?
Carla: Just a wild guess. A snack?


"Frasier: It's Hard to Say Goodbye If You Won't Leave (#3.10)" (1996)
Dr. Frasier Crane: I'm having fantasies about her all the time.
Martin Crane: Well there's nothing wrong with that. You know, when I first met your mother she was so upbeat and bouncy I used to fantasize about her wearing a skimpy little cheerleader's outfit, shaking her pom-poms...
Dr. Frasier Crane, Dr. Niles Crane: Dad!
Martin Crane: Grow up, you two! I'm just saying it's perfectly natural. I can't tell you the number of times I was on a stake-out in the cold, picturing your mother in front of a warm fire wearing nothing but a...
Dr. Frasier Crane, Dr. Niles Crane: DAD!
Martin Crane: Oh, I'm sorry. One day your mother and I went on a church picnic and the two of you came floating down the river in little wicker baskets!

Dr. Niles Crane: Dad, you sounded lonely, so I rented some movies.
Martin Crane: Oh, didn't you know? The VCR's broken.
Dr. Niles Crane: No subtitles this time.
Martin Crane: Oh, that's right, I got it fixed. What did you bring?
Dr. Niles Crane: Uh, I have "The Way We Were" and a classic - "Casablanca"
Daphne Moon: Oh, I just love that movie. Is there any more heartbreaking moment in all of film than when Humphrey Bogart tells Ingrid Bergman to get on that plane with Victor Laszlo even though Bogey loves her? What an ending.
Dr. Niles Crane: Well, there goes my need to finally see that one.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Hmm. He cares deeply for her and yet he lets her go. I wonder why Bogey did that?
Dr. Niles Crane: Why don't we put the movie in and find out?
Daphne Moon: Because Laszlo needed her by his side to fight the Nazis.
Martin Crane: Oh, forget the Nazis. No man in his right mind would give up Ingrid Bergman.
Daphne Moon: Oh, sure - sacrifice the entire free world for a little Swedish meatball.


"Cheers: Home Malone (#9.25)" (1991)
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: [talking about Sam babysitting Frederick] I don't know how comfortable I feel with this set-up. He's just a baby, he needs supervision.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, Sam can take care of it.
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: I'm talking about Sam. You know how out out of control he can get at times, what a mess he can make of everything.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, Sam can clean it up. Oh...
Dr. Frasier Crane, Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: You're/I'm talking about Sam.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Darling, it'll just be for a few hours.
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: All right, but if anything goes wrong, he could be scarred for life.
Dr. Frasier Crane: You mean Sam, right?
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: Yes, and it is a threat.

Dr. Frasier Crane: I'm proud to tell you that my lovely wife is being honored tonight by the scientific community for her contributions to the study of sensory deprivation.
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: It was serendipitous, I admit. I returned to the lab after a two-week holiday to find that I had locked my lab assistant in the isolation tank. Suffice to say, what could have turned out to be a nasty lawsuit turned into an award winning paper.


"Frasier: Head Game (#4.5)" (1996)
Frasier: Listen, Niles, I'd like you to do my show for me, for the week I'm gone.
Niles: Me standing in for you? I'm sorry, Frasier. I couldn't presume to fill those big floppy red shoes of yours.
Frasier: Please, please, Niles! Look, I'm begging you! You know, the station wants to replace me with Helen Grogan, better known as Ma Nature. She does a gardening show, and I'm just a little worried that a week of discussing well-rotted manure will weaken my listener base.
Niles: It hasn't yet.

[Niles refuses to sub for Frasier during his vacation]
Frasier: Very well. You leave me no alternative but to call in my marker.
Niles: [nervous] What marker?
Frasier: Oh, I think you know.
Niles: You wouldn't.
Frasier: I would.
Niles: You can't!
Frasier: I will.
Niles: That was three years ago.
Frasier: I don't recall there being any statute of limitations. I distinctly recall that when you asked me to go out with Maris's sister, you said that you would "owe me one forever."
Niles: But you only spent one evening with Brie. That hardly compares with what you're asking me to endure.
Frasier: Oh? Shall I refresh your memory? Midway through the opera her ermine muff began to tremble. As it turned out she had used it to smuggle in her adorably incontinent Chihuahua. Just as I thought we'd reached the low point of the evening I suddenly felt a sandpaper tongue licking my earlobe. Alas it did not belong to little Herv! Fortunately my shriek coincided with the on-stage murder of Gondolfo! Roz will expect you on Monday at two.
Niles: For your information, Brie had a very tough row to hoe growing up. It's not easy going through life with one nostril.
Frasier: Did I mention she had a cold that night?
Niles: ...Monday at two it is.


"Cheers: Cheerio, Cheers (#3.22)" (1985)
Dr. Frasier Crane: Diane, I've got the most exciting news. It just couldn't wait.
Diane Chambers: What is it? You're positively tingling.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Come and sit down. I have been awarded an honor that surpasses anything that I could have hoped to have achieved at this point in my career, it goes beyond even my most wild and ambitious dreams.
Cliff Clavin: Hey, hey, Doc, what are we talking here, a Nobel Prize, huh?
Dr. Frasier Crane: No, we're not talking Nobel Prize.
Norm Peterson: What, Pulitzer? Come on.
Dr. Frasier Crane: No, I didn't win the Pulitzer Prize.
Diane Chambers: Oh, a Guggenheim Fellowship.
Dr. Frasier Crane: No, it's not a Guggenheim Fellowship.
Cliff Clavin: Oh, what did you win, a canned ham? You lost all the big ones.

Dr. Frasier Crane: Diane and I are going to Europe.
Sam Malone: Europe? Overseas?
Diane Chambers: Well, we were going to go to the local one, but it's all booked up.


"Cheers: Cheers Fouls Out (#9.2)" (1990)
Norm Peterson: [about an argument between Frasier and Lilith] So, uh, what kind of punishment are you getting?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, I'm not getting any.
Norm Peterson: Oh, you're getting off easy.
Dr. Frasier Crane: No, I'm not *getting* any.
Norm Peterson: No, *you're* getting off *easy*.

[Frasier and Lilith are talking about their sex life, which Frasier now sees as non-existent since Lilith is withholding it]
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: Oh, for goodness sakes Frasier, we've been intimate several times this last month. Look at my day planner. We were together every night this weekend.
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: [looks in her day planner] Oh, good heavens, that wasn't you.
Dr. Frasier Crane: What do you mean it wasn't me?
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: I'm kidding. See? Look how tense you are. You wouldn't enjoy it anyway.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, fine. I don't want it anyway.
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: You do too.
Dr. Frasier Crane: I do not.
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: Do so.
Dr. Frasier Crane: All right, I do.
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: Well, you're not getting any. Oh, Frasier, isn't it enough that I'm doing it to your mind?


"Cheers: The Art of the Steal (#8.10)" (1989)
Sam Malone: [walks into the bar] Sorry I'm late. I just got back from my stylist.
Woody Boyd: Well gee, Sam, your hair doesn't look any different.
Sam Malone: Ah, no, this was just for an estimate. I was thinking about doing a body wave, and my insurance company wants me to go to three different places.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Sam, you have hair insurance?
Sam Malone: Yeah. What, I'm going to just walk around with fire and theft?

[Woody, Norm, Frasier and Cliff are playing Monopoly]
Woody Boyd: I'm buying Renton Railroad and I'm putting up a house.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Woody, you can't put a house on railroad tracks.
Woody Boyd: Why not? My Uncle Jim used to do it all the time back in Hanover, on these tracks near where we lived. I mean, it wasn't a real house though, it was just a fake one made out of sticks and canvas. Yeah, he used to hide in the bushes and take pictures of the engineers screamin'.
[laughs]
Woody Boyd: He was funny. But he had a twisted side.


"Cheers: The Ghost and Mrs. LeBec (#8.23)" (1990)
Dr. Frasier Crane: Carla, this psychic business is just a crutch to avoid reality. I mean, it's very easy for people to get hooked on this hocus pocus, and well, before you know it, this woman is going to be holding your hand once a week, charging you $100 a hour and filling your mind with all sorts of confusing jargon.
Carla LeBec: And how is that different from you?
[Frasier is caught off guard by the question. Pauses to think it over]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, ah... I can prescribe drugs.

[after the séance]
Carla LeBec: I'm gonna see if I can catch up with Darryl.
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: I'm proud of you, Carla. You've made your peace with the Great Beyond.
Carla LeBec: Yeah, and now I'm gonna go grab a piece of the Great Behind.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Go with grace, sweet spirit.


"Frasier: Three Days of the Condo (#4.11)" (1997)
Niles: Excuse me, you saw my Maris completely naked?
Frasier: Oh, don't fret, Niles, it was really nothing more than a fleeting glance in a very steamy bathroom. More like glimpsing a birch sapling through a thick fog.
Niles: Life is so unfair! You get a vision of my Maris, I get a big eye-full of Dad!
Frasier: Well, I say we hit about the same level on the "Yikes!" meter!

Frasier: Ya know, this building has a grapevine Ernest and Julio Gallo would envy.


"Frasier: Legal Tender Love and Care (#8.6)" (2000)
Roz: I read an article that said listening to classical music makes toddlers smarter. Something about making their brain bigger, or wider... I don't know.
Frasier: I believe the word you're looking for is "smartified."
Roz: Oh, yeah? Well guess which word I'm looking for now.

Frasier: That suit is very becoming on you. Is it new?
Abby Michaels: If it isn't, thank you for noticing, Frasier.
Frasier: Oh, no, thank you for being so, uh... noticeable.
Dr. Niles Crane: [to Daphne] Do I sound like that?
Daphne Moon: Yeah, but it's cute when you do it.


"Frasier: My Fair Frasier (#5.7)" (1997)
Frasier: You didn't tell him you were pregnant before the date?
Roz: Well, it's not the easiest thing in the world to tell someone. Besides, I was hoping my radiant glow would do the talking for me.
Frasier: Your "glow" - oh please, Roz, do you ever think that anyone... could miss your radiant glow?
Roz: So, I tell him, and he says fine, it's not a problem. Five minutes later, he tells me his pager is vibrating. He has an emergency. He has to go to work.
Frasier: Well, maybe he was telling the truth.
Roz: He sells wicker furniture. Who needs their end tables recaned at 9:30 at night?

Samantha: I hope this doesn't offend you, but I've had the most stressful day and I really don't have the energy to make a lot of small talk. Plus I'm not very hungry. Would you mind terribly if we just -
Frasier: I know where this is heading. You don't have to say it.
Samantha: Frasier, could we just go somewhere and have sex?
Frasier: Well, I'm flattered, and the thought is very tempting, but you see, on my show I'm constantly preaching that people should get to know one other, have things in common, before taking that kind of step. What's your favourite colour?
Samantha: Blue.
Frasier: Mine too, check please!


"Frasier: Ain't Nobody's Business If I Do (#5.11)" (1998)
Daphne: I've got some shocking news. I found a ring in your father's underwear drawer.
Frasier: [shocked] What on earth would leave a ring around his underwear drawer?

[Niles hired a private investigator to check Sherry out]
Dr. Niles Crane: I was just looking out for Dad here. I mean, what do we really know about this woman?
Frasier: She makes Dad happy, that's all we need to know.
Dr. Niles Crane: Is it? Some people do get married before they know all they should. Remember Cousin Donald? He was married two years before he found out his wife used to be a man.
Frasier: Yes, well, Cousin Donald is a very rare case. First, most people don't have a hidden past; and second, most people have a better eye for details than Cousin Donald. For God's sake, the woman could pick up a watermelon with one hand!


"Frasier: The Focus Group (#3.23)" (1996)
Frasier: [Niles and Daphne fight and make up] Niles, what was that all about?
Niles: I'm not sure, but oh, MOMMA, it was glorious! Blood pounding, sarcastic zingers flying!
Frasier: Are you saying you enjoyed fighting with Daphne?
Niles: Every exhilerating moment was pure unbridled passion! I think I still have some of her spittle on my forehead! Oh why did Dad ever tell us not to fight with girls? It's wonderful!

[after Frasier burns down Manu's newsstand]
Manu: All this because you had to know why I do not like you.
Frasier: Well, you were kind of vague.
Manu: You want to know why? I'll tell you why. I think you are a smarty pants. I was too polite to say that before, but then you spied on me, you stalked me, you badgered me, you poured yoo-hoo down my dockers, you crunched my hand. And then as if all that was not enough, you burned down my newsstand, my livelihood. A gift to me from my beloved uncle, may he rest in peace.
Frasier: Was that so hard?
[he walks off]


"Cheers: Simon Says (#5.21)" (1987)
Dr. Frasier Crane: [about Dr. Simon Finch-Royce] We were students together when I was a Rhodes scholar.
Woody Boyd: Wow, you were a Rhodes scholar?
[Frasier nods affirmatively]
Woody Boyd: Tell me this, how come the stuff they fill in the potholes with is darker than the rest of the road?
Dr. Frasier Crane: I don't know Woody. I missed that day.
Woody Boyd: And now it's come back to haunt you.

Dr. Frasier Crane: Ah, Simon. Simon, I've signed a blank check. Now remember, no favors. I want you to fill out your regular fee.
Dr. Simon Finch-Royce: Well, as you wish. Thanks! Excuse me, I must dash back to the hotel.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, just for my ledger, what amount should I fill in?
Dr. Simon Finch-Royce: 1500 dollars.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Fine, 1500 dollars. Done.
[Simon leaves out the front door of Cheers]
Dr. Frasier Crane: [to himself] Pretentious limey bastard.


"Frasier: The Dinner Party (#6.17)" (1999)
Frasier: [Roz enters in fancy evening dress. Daphne is to the side in a robe, she holds another dress] Oh, Roz! That's lovely!
Daphne: Oh! We have twenty minutes.
[both ladies start for Daphne's room]
Niles: What's going on?
Roz: There's a huge reception at the British Consulate tonight. Daphne got us tickets!
Daphne: [ladies continue toward Daphne's room] Who knows, Roz? You just may meet a charming British lord who'll make you a lady!
Niles: [to Frasier] At this point, I think it would take the actual Lord to make her a lady.

Niles: Why is Joaquin on such a strict diet?
Frasier: Because the Joaquin they're bringing to dinner is... their foster child! From a tiny village on the pampas. He speaks no English, and he gets nauseated when he eats American food!
Niles: [confused] So, he's not the conductor of the Buenos Aires Philharmonic?
Frasier: Oh, you are SO "that other one"!


"Cheers: Diane's Allergy (#3.10)" (1984)
Diane Chambers: Sam. Frasier and I have something important to tell you.
Frasier Crane: Sam, this may be rough going. I mean, despite your vehement protests to the contrary, and with no intention of disparaging your sincerity, but Diane and I believe that you may still be suffering some emotional residue from the turbulent relationship you had with Diane.
Sam Malone: I'm sorry Frasier. I must have dozed off for a paragraph or two.

Frasier Crane: [about his dog, who Sam now owns] So, Sam, listen, fill me in. I'm hungry for news about little Pavlov.
Sam Malone: [a slight pause] Pavlov? Oh, you must mean little Diane.
Frasier Crane: I beg your pardon?
Sam Malone: Yeah, I renamed the puppy "Diane". I figured you wouldn't mind. I mean it's my puppy now. Yeah, oh boy, I tell you, it's so wonderful. I come home, she gives me a little trouble, I swat her on the rear end, I say, "Shut up, Diane", and she does. It's heaven.
Frasier Crane: Sam, I have to be honest with you. Changing the dog's name hurts me a little. Don't you think two "Diane"'s will be a little confusing?
Sam Malone: Well, maybe you're right. I hadn't thought of that. Well, we'll just have to call your girlfriend "Pavlov".


"Cheers: Teaching with the Enemy (#11.6)" (1992)
[Lilith has bad news for Frasier]
Dr. Frasier Crane: I know, I'll simply imagine the worst thing you could possibly tell me, and whatever your news is, it will pale by comparison. In fact, whatever it is, it'll be a relief. OK, OK, uh, what is the worst thing I can imagine?
[Frasier stops to think]
Dr. Frasier Crane: All right, I've got it. Lilith, your news please.
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: This afternoon, in a moment of extreme weakness, I cheated on you.
Dr. Frasier Crane: [gets up and yells] That was it! That was the worst thing!

Dr. Frasier Crane: That's twice today that I've publicly made a fool of myself.
Cliff Clavin: Ah, you get used to it, Doc.


"Cheers: The Gift of the Woodi (#7.19)" (1989)
Carla LeBec: [after seeing Rebecca dressing up and trying to adopt the same demeanor as Lilith] Sheesh! Two Liliths! This is like a nightmare I had once.
Dr. Frasier Crane: [sounding shocked] You too?

Dr. Frasier Crane: [talking to Woody] I remember when I was courting a certain beauty. I wrote her a poem. It wasn't a great piece of literature, but it expressed my feelings honestly. I recall reciting the last lines when we were sitting on a fire, basking in our love: "Your lips are a flame that consumes me / and the candle that lights my way."
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: Frasier, love...
Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes, dearest?
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: I never heard that drivel before in my life.
[then dumps cocktail onto Frasier's pants and leaves]
Dr. Frasier Crane: [nervous] I wonder whose lips those were.


"Cheers: The Stork Brings a Crane (#8.6)" (1989)
Dr. Frasier Crane: Lilith, the child is two weeks overdue.
Woody Boyd: Boy, two weeks overdue? Boy, you'd be out a buck forty at the library.

Dr. Frasier Crane: [Following the very overdue Lilith out of the pool room] I'm beginning to wonder if you're fit to carry my seed!
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: I'm beginning to wish you'd kept it!


"Frasier: A Lilith Thanksgiving (#4.7)" (1996)
[Roz is house-sitting for Frasier]
Frasier: Oh yes, and by the way, I frown on overnight guests.
Roz: Then you're not doing it right.

Frasier: [giving Roz instructions on caring for his orchids] I know I'm harping on and on about this, but I know you're not used to dealing with delicate flowers.
Roz: I've produced your show for three years, haven't I?


"Cheers: Norm and Cliff's Excellent Adventure (#9.11)" (1990)
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: You know, Frasier, after hearing you complain about that for the umpteenth time, it's becoming impossible for me to sympathize.
Dr. Frasier Crane: [under his breath] Of course not - sympathy is a human emotion.

Norm Peterson: Frase, uh, just out of curiosity, what did you have for dinner? Let me guess.
Norm Peterson: [opens Frasier's kitchen door and takes a few deep breaths] Ah, porterhouse steaks smothered with mushrooms, green beans with sliced almonds, some apple brown betty, and decaf cappucino.
Dr. Frasier Crane: [laughs] Actually, we had Chinese brought in.
Norm Peterson: [sniffs around himself] Ah, it must be in my coat.


"Frasier: The Return of Martin Crane (#9.4)" (2001)
Dr. Niles Crane: Hey, Frasier, uh, if you're interested, I have two tickets to tonight's throat singing concert.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Don't toy with me, Niles.
Martin Crane: What the hell is throat singing?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, dad, it's an extraordinary technique where a single vocalist can actually produce two distinct tones simultaneously, allowing him to harmonize with himself.
Martin Crane: Kind of like the Everly Brothers?
Dr. Frasier Crane: If they shared a throat and came from Mongolia, yes.

Dr. Niles Crane: You know, Frasier, you could catch the first two hours of throat singing and still get back in time to walk Eddie.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, Niles, you know damn well the throats are just starting to warm up after two hours.


"Frasier: The Love You Fake (#9.20)" (2002)
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, Joe has found the source of the leak in my ceiling. It is Cam Winston's brand new washing machine! By God, for this time he's gone too far! As if his noise and noxious presence at the condo board meetings weren't bad enough. Have you ever heard of anything more fury inspiring?
Daphne Moon: I certainly have not. Imagine the cheek of the man, installing an illegal washer-dryer.
Joe: Oh, they're not illegal. A lot of the units have them. You guys have a hookup in the hall closet where you keep all those hats...
[Daphne glares at Frasier]
Dr. Frasier Crane: First of all, I had completely forgotten about the hookup. Second of all, I believe the homburg is poised for a comeback,

[Frasier angrily confronts Daphne about his missing socks]
Daphne Moon: I'm sorry, Dr. Crane. I'm forced to do the laundry downstairs, and I guess your socks are just too tempting to the neighbors. Of course, you're welcome to go down there yourself and stand guard.
Dr. Frasier Crane: I see. But if we had our own washer-dryer, there would be no more lost socks. I will not be strong- armed by threats against my laundry!
Daphne Moon: Suit yourself. I'm off to do a load of your pinks.
Dr. Frasier Crane: [confused] I don't have any pinks.
Daphne Moon: You will!


"Frasier: Crane vs. Crane (#3.19)" (1996)
Dr. Frasier Crane: Niles, you made a hasty judgment and I am sorry, but you were wrong.
Dr. Niles Crane: Ah, now we see why you got involved in the case - so big brother could be right and little Niles could be wrong, which I'm not!
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, your pathetic childhood issues have nothing to do with it.
[childishly]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Face it, you were wrong! Wrong, wrong, wrong!
Dr. Niles Crane: [childishly] Oh, oh, oh-!

Martin Crane: Why are you walking funny?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, suffice it to say, today I learned it is unwise to slide repeatedly down a fire pole wearing woolen trousers.


"Frasier: Proxy Prexy (#10.3)" (2002)
Dr. Frasier Crane: Now I think I should still run against you.
Martin Crane: Why?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, if I drop out just as you announce your candidacy, people might suspect something's up. It's better that our political legerdemain remain sub rosa, hmm? How would a normal person say that, Dad?
Martin Crane: No one needs to know how the hot dogs are made.
Dr. Frasier Crane: This is going to be sweet.

Dr. Frasier Crane: I don't think you have the skills for this job.
Martin Crane: I have something better: people skills.
Dr. Frasier Crane: So do I, but these boobs and nincompoops are too stupid to see it!


"Cheers: Uncle Sam Wants You (#9.26)" (1991)
Lilith: [to Sam, about her and Frasier] We're not saying that we want to be intimate with each other right now.
Frasier: [aside to Sam] God forbid while the sun's up.

Frasier: Sam, he's my son! I made him; I get to keep him!


"Frasier: To Thine Old Self Be True (#7.20)" (2000)
Frasier: Perhaps she's hinting for another ride on the Frasier-go-round.

Frasier: Oh, er, Dad...
Martin Crane: It's not here yet.
Frasier: How did you even...
Martin Crane: You've been yakking about it for weeks. Your new blazer's coming. It's Italian, it's hand-stitched, it cost more money than my first car.
Frasier: Yes, well, it's made from very expensive material. They have to find exactly the right kind of goat.
Martin Crane: Looks like they did!


"Frasier: Retirement Is Murder (#2.13)" (1995)
Frasier: Hello Daphne. Is Dad here?
Daphne: No, I haven't seen him since he knocked me up this morning.
Frasier: [after a pause] What?
Daphne: Knocked me up. Woke me up. It's an English expression. What does it mean here?
Frasier: Oh, something else. You'd definitely be awake for it.

[first lines]
Frasier: Ah, yes. Another beautiful Saturday night. The moon is full, the city lights are twinkling, lovers steal kisses in the park... and here, Chez Crane, my father and his assistant sit hunched over twenty year old photographs of a murdered hooker.
[raises his glass]
Frasier: Life is a banquet.


"Frasier: The 1000th Show (#5.5)" (1997)
Frasier: Where was I?
Niles: You were last seen climbing Mount Ego.

John: [Fraser hitched a ride to the rally in his honor, to which he is late] Well, I guess you don't want to hear any more about that. Anyway, we're here.
Frasier: Oh, I've got plenty of time. Tell me more about your kids.
John: Well, okay. My name is John, by the way.
Frasier: [shaking hands] I'm Frasier.


"Cheers: Little Carla, Happy at Last: Part 1 (#6.3)" (1987)
Norm Peterson: [reading a sleazy tabloid] Geez, Cliff, listen to this. "Scientists Discover Wild Parrot Who Claims to Be Elvis".
Cliff Clavin: So?
Norm Peterson: So? I mean, this one wins the "Too Stupid For Even You Cliff" award.
Dr. Frasier Crane: [exasperated] Oh, really. Must you two wallow in this sensationalistic tripe? I mean, it pains me no end to see America's wits dulled and their morals abrogated by this opiate to the asses.
Norm Peterson: Well, check this out, Cliffy. "I was Sigmund Freud's Love Child".
Dr. Frasier Crane: [totally excited] No?
[Frasier runs back to Norm and grabs the tabloid paper and tries to find the story]
Dr. Frasier Crane: I've heard rumors they betrayed Martha with his sister-in-law, but I never dreamed there'd be progeny.
[reads further. can't find the story. learns he's been had]
Dr. Frasier Crane: You rapscallions.

Carla Tortelli: [after Eddie's French-speaking mother leaves the bar] I get the feeling she wasn't nuts about me.
Carla Tortelli: [looks at Frasier] What did she say?
Dr. Frasier Crane: What makes you think I'd know?
Carla Tortelli: All you pompous windbags speak French.


"Cheers: Let Sleeping Drakes Lie (#6.18)" (1988)
Dr. Frasier Crane: [to Norm] If you told Mr. Drake a sufficiently outlandish story, odds are he'd buy it.
Woody Boyd: No, that's impossible.
Carla LeBec: No, Woody, it's a stroke of genius. Frasier, you're brilliant. That is one of the most brilliant ideas you've ever had, and you've had a lot of brilliant ideas.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Thank you, Carla.
Carla LeBec: See Woody, it works. Bonehead bought it.

Dr. Frasier Crane: [about the psychiatric profession] You just don't cure someone overnight. Most patients require dozens of costly sessions to make even minimal progress. God, I love this profession.


"Frasier: Police Story (#3.20)" (1996)
Roz: Frasier, why didn't you tell me it was your birthday? I would have thrown you a party at the station.
Frasier: Question asked, question answered.

[Martin has begun dating a woman that Frasier found attractive]
Frasier: Well... it's not as if we were standing side-by-side when she chose you. I was at the bar! If you'd gone to get the drinks, things would have been different.
Martin: I don't think so.
Frasier: Dad, I'm drowning here. Please, throw me a line!


"Frasier: We Two Kings (#10.10)" (2002)
Roz Doyle: Come on, Frasier. Talk to me. Use your words
Dr. Frasier Crane: It's just so egregious.
Roz Doyle: Smaller words.

Dr. Frasier Crane: Copernicus called, and you are not the center of the universe!


"Frasier: Odd Man Out (#4.23)" (1997)
Frasier: I just can't picture Maris in Dad's '82 Impala.
Niles: Neither could she, at first. I'll never forget the look of wonder on her face at touching vinyl for the first time. She said it made her feel cheap and dirty, and she liked it. I was her first bad boy.

[while zipping up the back of Daphne's dress, Niles gets his tie caught in the zipper; Frasier walks in on them as he has his head bowed behind her]
Frasier: Niles, there's something on your tie.
Daphne: Dr. Crane was helping me with my dress, and now he's caught.
Frasier: Yes, he is.


"Frasier: Trophy Girlfriend (#10.15)" (2003)
[Frasier is dating a school gym teacher. While waiting for her in her office, he picks up a note]
Frasier: [reading] "Please excuse my daughter Ruby from P.E. She has a 'delibitating' disease." Nice try, Ruby.

[about their shared childhood experiences with gym teachers]
Frasier: You know, perhaps getting to know Chelsea will help Niles to exorcise his demons and put them behind him.
Daphne Crane: He's running out of room back there.


"Frasier: Rooms with a View (#10.8)" (2002)
Roz Doyle: Oh, Daphne, it's okay, it's okay; everything's gonna be fine.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Daphne, I know you're in hell right now, but, in just about twenty minutes comes the disconnecting of the ventilator and the extubation. You can see it all in the diagram on page 24 -
Daphne Crane: He's not a diagram! He's my husband! And he's on a table with his chest cut open! I'm sorry if I can't handle this as well as the rest of you, but I'm terrified.
Roz Doyle: Daphne, it's okay; just calm down. I mean, when all this is over we're just gonna -
Daphne Crane: There is no "when this is over"! There's no tomorrow, no next week, no next year - there's *nothing* until he comes out of there and I know he's okay!

Martin Crane: [about to get a Chunky bar from the machine] Oh... but there's a Marathon bar... oh now I'm not sure what to get.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Go with your first pick, get Chunky.
Martin Crane: But I haven't had a Marathon bar in years.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Then get Marathon.
Martin Crane: Come to think of it, I think they stopped making Marathon bars in the '80s.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Then definitely get Chunky.


"Frasier: Cheerful Goodbyes (#9.21)" (2002)
[speeches at Cliff's retirement party]
Carla: I'd like to say that I'll miss you... but it sticks in my throat like your rotten deviled eggs. I hate your guts! The way you talk and talk and talk about nothing. The way you walk, your stupid white socks...
Frasier: Carla!
Carla: Back off, I'm toasting! The 20 years I have known you would have been less painful if I were covered with open sores and thrown into a pit with a bunch of diseased rats! But now, finally you're leaving! I know I am not as young as I used to be, but I can live again! I can live again! Finally, I can live!
[she laughs maniacally, then subsides as she notices everyone staring at her]
Carla: Anyway, God bless.

[on Cliff Clavin's theories]
Niles: If I hear one more of that postman's crackpot theories my head will explode.
Frasier: Don't worry, Niles, no one takes him seriously.
Daphne: I never knew how many letters there were in the dolphin alphabet.


"Frasier: Our Parents, Ourselves (#6.12)" (1999)
[Sophie wants to invite some of her friends over to her husband's Super Bowl party]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Larry, I gotta tell you, I'm afraid I side with your wife on this one.
Larry: That just proves you don't know the first thing about football.
Dr. Frasier Crane: What I do or do not know about football has...
Larry: OK, how's this: My wife's friends can come over if you can answer even one little football question. Like...
Dr. Frasier Crane: Now, I don't see that that's in any...
Larry: You're down by six, you're on your own forty, three seconds left, what do you do?
[Roz gets his attention]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, all right, you would...
[She holds up two telephone handsets]
Dr. Frasier Crane: You would take your receivers...
[she lines them up]
Dr. Frasier Crane: And line them up...
[she mimes throwing]
Dr. Frasier Crane: And then throw a pass.
[big throw]
Dr. Frasier Crane: A long, long pass.
Larry: Yeah, and what's the name for that?
[Roz kneels, crosses herself, and prays heavenward with an innocent look on her face]
Dr. Frasier Crane: A Hail Mary.
[Roz gives him the thumbs up]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Sophie and Larry, I hope you enjoy the game. In the meanwhile, this is Coach Crane saying, I'm listening.

Shangri-lino: Hey, it's the Coyote!
Dr. Niles Crane: Evening, evening, Jimbo. Check you later.
Martin Crane: Wow, you got a nickname down there already. That's great! The Coyote?
Dr. Niles Crane: Yes.
Dr. Frasier Crane: And how did you earn that honorific?
Dr. Niles Crane: Oh, it was quite the merry road. Yes, it evolved from Niles to Nilesy to Niley to Nile E. Coyote and now simply "The Coyote."


"Frasier: Room Service (#5.15)" (1998)
[Frasier finds Niles in Lilith's hotel room, and realizes they have slept together]
Lilith: If you could look at this rationally for one moment: we didn't actually do anything wrong.
Frasier: [incredulous] What? You didn't do anything wrong?
Niles: I'm a little unclear on that myself, but I'm willing to go along with it!

Frasier: [on Lilith] Her husband has left her, and get this: for a man.
Niles: Damn! I owe Dad five dollars.


"Frasier: Selling Out (#1.9)" (1993)
Frasier: What would you think if I did a commercial and publicly endorsed a product?
Daphne: Oh, you mean like Cher does?
Frasier: Thank you, Daphne, one against. Dad?

[as a girl, Daphne starred in a British TV show, "Mind Your Knickers."]
Daphne: It was about a group of high-spirited, ethnically diverse twelve-year-olds in a girls' private boarding school. I played Emma, the short, spunky one. Of course, by the end of the series, I was sixteen, five foot ten, and they had me boozies bound up tighter than a mummy. Well, I'm off.
[leaves]
Frasier: The woman is like an artichoke. You just peel away one astounding leaf after another.


"Frasier: Something Borrowed, Someone Blue: Part 1 (#7.23)" (2000)
Daphne: Simon!
Simon Moon: Hello, sis.
Daphne: I thought you were in California.
Simon Moon: Yeah, well, those friends I went to surprise were out of town. So I decided to housesit for 'em, which was lovely. 'Til they came home last night. I don't know what all the screaming was about, I was the one in the tub! Where should I put this bag?
Dr. Frasier Crane: By the door so you don't forget it when you leave.
Simon Moon: Right. I think I know everyone here.
[spots Roz]
Simon Moon: Or do I? And what would your name be then, Miss?
Roz Doyle: Simon, you low-life idiot! You made a date with me last week and you stood me up!
Simon Moon: Sorry, love, I need a bit more to go on.
Roz Doyle: Maybe this'll refresh your memory.
[slams the door in his face]
Simon Moon: Roz! Of course!

Simon Moon: Thank you Marty, it's most hospitable of you.
Martin Crane: Well, you gotta have a place to stay...
Dr. Frasier Crane: Stop right there! He cannot stay here! The man is loud, ill-mannered, and the last time he stayed here he killed a ficus tree on the downstairs neighbor's balcony by means which are best left to the imagination!


"Frasier: The Candidate (#2.7)" (1994)
Roz: Don't you both owe each other an apology?
Frasier: Well, yes! But I was the first to apologize last time. Oh wait, that means it's his turn! Oh, goody, I can be mature about this!
[Frasier goes to Niles's table]
Frasier: Niles.
Niles: Frasier.
Frasier: After last night's behavior, I believe an apology is in order.
Niles: I agree... Well?
Frasier: "Well," what?
Niles: It's your turn. I apologized first last time.
Frasier: No, you didn't!
Niles: I did so! I distinctly remember. It was after that shouting match at the Monet exhibit. I had my secretary leave a heartfelt apology with your service.
Frasier: So you did. That means it is my turn again... Damn!

Holden Thorpe: So a guy like you, unmarried, didn't serve his country, sees fit to criticize a patriotic family man who fought in the battle of Grenada. I went in on the first wave, by the way.
Frasier: On a surfboard, I suppose.


"Cheers: Cry Hard (#8.25)" (1990)
Norm: [about Cliff] Frasier, straighten him out, OK. What happens to old, dead skin?
Frasier: Apparently, it sits on bar stools and drinks beer all day.

[the guys are talking about the hardest wood to cut through]
Cliff: Hey Doc, what do you think the toughest thing to cut through is?
Frasier: Your unending bull.


"Frasier: Miss Right Now (#11.19)" (2004)
Ronee Lawrence: [about her mother] If she sees me like dressed this, she'd know that I spent the night and then she'd be carping about it the whole weekend.
Dr. Frasier Crane: What, she doesn't approve of pre-marital sex?
Ronee Lawrence: Judging by the diving bell she wore as a nightgown, she wasn't real big on post-marital sex either.

Martin Crane: Plus, I'm startin' out with one strike against me.
Ronee Lawrence: Mother still remembers a night he drove me home from babysitting you and Niles, thirty years ago...
Martin Crane: Forty years ago.
Ronee Lawrence: I'm telling this story. I was all weepy because this guy had just dumped me, and your father put his arm around me, just to be nice. And Mom saw it and she thought he was trying to rob me of my virtue.
Dr. Frasier Crane: [chuckling] Oh, that's crazy.
Ronee Lawrence: I know, like there was anything left to rob.
[They all laugh]


"Cheers: Birth, Death, Love and Rice (#4.1)" (1985)
Dr. Frasier Crane: [after telling the story of how Diane left him at the altar] The story of my humiliation spread like wildfire through the university, and then to the entire Italian countryside. Everyone knew about it, everyone knew about my shame.
Sam Malone: No, you must have been imagining it.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, was I? Do you know that in soccer, when a player kicks at the ball, misses and falls down, it's now called a 'Frasier'.
Sam Malone: That could be a coincidence.
Dr. Frasier Crane: If he's knocked cold, it's called a 'Frasier Crane'.

Dr. Frasier Crane: [about Diane leaving him at the altar] I've lost everything Malone: my tenure, my practice and my Diane. My life is ruined and it's all your fault. Don't you think someone should pay for that?
[Frasier pulls out a gun and points it in Sam's direction]
Sam Malone: If by someone you mean someone in this room, I, I can honesty answer no, I don't. Oh, come on.
[suddenly becomes calmer]
Sam Malone: Ah, wait a second. What are you doing? The gun's not even loaded.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Certainly it's loaded.
Sam Malone: No it isn't.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, of course you know it's not, because Frasier Crane is a harmless person, who never caused you a moment's concern, not a moment's worry, who was never a threat to your relationship with Diane, and he isn't a threat now. Is that it, Sam?
Sam Malone: [points in the gun's direction] No, it's just that the little holes there are empty.


"Cheers: The Heart Is a Lonely Snipehunter (#3.14)" (1985)
Frasier Crane: [walks into the bar looking a little down] Oh, hello Diane.
Diane Chambers: Hi Frasier.
[they give each other a quick kiss]
Diane Chambers: Frasier, your lips are troubled.
Carla Tortelli: No wonder. Look at the hell he puts them through.

Diane Chambers: There's no such thing as a snipe hunt. They played a childish prank on you.
Frasier Crane: I know that.
Diane Chambers: What?
Frasier Crane: Good Lord, Diane, a man does not crouch in the woods for two hours without having a revelation or two.
Diane Chambers: So this is part of a plan, and I unwittingly helped you?
Frasier Crane: Yes.
Diane Chambers: Frasier, how devious. But why didn't you tell me?
Frasier Crane: Well, I couldn't trust you. You'd have thought it was too cruel.
Diane Chambers: Oh, are you kidding? I would have helped. Frasier, this is so unlike you.
Frasier Crane: No, but it's what guys do, darling: we screw each other to the wall.
[laughs]
Frasier Crane: Boy, it's great to be one of the gang, I'll tell you.


"Frasier: Daphne Hates Sherry (#4.20)" (1997)
Frasier: You're a doctor, why didn't you just use your prescription pad?
Niles: [realizing] Oh, my god!
Frasier: Isn't there an all-night pharmacy across the street from your building?
Niles: Oh my god!

Frasier: Bup! I don't care who did what to whom or in what disgusting manner. As we speak, hordes of viral Visigoths are hurling themselves over the battlements of my immune system, laying waste to my... Oh, dear God, you see how weak I am? I can't even finish a simple Visigoth metaphor.


"Frasier: Roz and the Schnoz (#5.21)" (1998)
[Roz is pregnant and dressed in a black dress]
Roz: Okay, give it to me straight. How do I look?
Frasier: Like Pollyanna grew up and got herself in a little trouble.

[Martin comes back early from a trip to San Francisco with his old Army buddy]
Frasier: Dad! What are you doing here?
Martin: Aw, Frisco was a bust! All our watering holes are gone, the steakhouse was a sushi bar, and this morning, Duke and I went out for a walk. We passed City Hall, and there's this big crowd, kind of like a pep rally or something. So, we joined them. Well, some official guy up front says something that we didn't hear, and the next thing you know, everybody's throwing rice, and all the men are kissing each other, and all the women are kissing each other, and I'm not sure but I think Duke and I may be married.


"Cheers: Sunday Dinner (#11.12)" (1993)
Dr. Frasier Crane: [to Sam] I just came off a seven year marriage. It's hard to think of replacing Lilith.
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: Just go to the morgue and open any drawer.

Dr. Frasier Crane: Would you really like to go out with me?
Shauna: You bet I would. You know, I have an idea. Instead of going out, why don't you come over to my place for dinner on Sunday night?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Ah, your place? Ah, well, I'd be delighted. Can I bring anything? Dessert maybe?
Shauna: [seductively] Oh no, Dr. Crane. Don't bring dessert. I'll take care of that.
Sam Malone: [to Frasier, excitedly, jumping up and down] You're going to get dessert!


"Cheers: The Godfather: Part 3 (#5.22)" (1987)
Dr. Frasier Crane: Next week marks the anniversary my beloved Lilith and I first met. As a show of my affection, I bought her a Louis Quatorze armoire at a little antique shop I saw on the Hill today. It set me back quite a penny, but you know when you're trying to express your affection for your mate, old wood says it best.
Woody Boyd: What do I say?
Dr. Frasier Crane: I was talking about the armoire.
Woody Boyd: I never say that, I don't even know what an armoire is.
Dr. Frasier Crane: It's a large chest.
Woody Boyd: Hey, what woman wouldn't want that?

Norm Peterson: [Frasier walks in carrying a small box] Hey, Fras, thought you'd be out on the links by now.
Dr. Frasier Crane: It would be exceedingly difficult to tee off with this.
Cliff Clavin: What's that, Fras?
Dr. Frasier Crane: This is my extra-special gift from Lilith.
[Frasier dumps the contents on to the bar]
Carla Tortelli: It's a tie.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes, and I hate it, it's ugly.
[Frasier grabs a fork and starts stabbing it]
Dr. Frasier Crane: It's just a tie. An ordinary gray tie. I wanted golf clubs! It's not special! I hate it, I hate it, I hate it!
[Frasier throws the tie on the floor, stomps on it and then walks off]
Norm Peterson: Glad she didn't give him a puppy.


"Cheers: The Norm Who Came to Dinner (#10.4)" (1991)
[Norm is providing a quote for a paint job]
Norm Peterson: I think I can swing the whole thing today for, uh... what do you say, four hundred dollars?
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: Uh, that's a little pricey, isn't it?
Norm Peterson: Uh, all right. Well, say, two hundred, and you supply the food and beer?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Four hundred it is.


"Frasier: Perspectives on Christmas (#5.9)" (1997)
Dr. Frasier Crane: [Frasier and Roz are playing Mr. and Mrs. Claus.] Oh, Roz! There you are, I was beginning to worry about you.
Roz Doyle: Well, you should have! I am on the verge of a complete breakdown! Shopping was a disaster! And when I went to slip into this darling little costume, my pants split.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh!
Roz Doyle: And on top of all that, I can't stop thinking about my mom! How am I going to tell her
[that she's pregnant]
Roz Doyle: ?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, Roz, if you'd like, I could tell her for you.
Roz Doyle: Are you kidding? She's gonna be mad enough that *I* waited three months to tell her, the only thing worse would be to hear it from someone else!
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, it's entirely possible she already knows.
Roz Doyle: No way, the only person who knows she's spoken to is you--Oh my God! Frasier!!
Dr. Frasier Crane: [welcoming first girl] OK! Ho-ho-ho, who's first?
Roz Doyle: What is wrong with you? I'm going to kill you!
Sally: You're going to kill Santa?
Dr. Frasier Crane: No, little girl, Mrs. Claus just wants to *kiss* me.
Roz Doyle: Yeah, I'll kiss you. Come 'ere, I'll kiss you good!


"Frasier: Frasier's Curse (#6.2)" (1998)
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh Roz, you look beautiful!
Roz Doyle: Thank you.
Dr. Frasier Crane: But we're not going.
Roz Doyle: What?
Dr. Frasier Crane: It's got something to do with my personal growth. You see, I don't care about these people anymore and you know, I want them to know it.
Roz Doyle: Frasier, I hired a babysitter... twice, I did my makeup... twice, I performed a miracle of engineering by taping myself into this dress... twice, only to be stood up... twice!
Dr. Frasier Crane: Roz, technically you only did your hair once.
Roz Doyle: SHUT UP!
[hits him with her handbag]
Roz Doyle: You know, some day you're gonna need another favor from me, buddy, and when that day comes, I hope you know what you can do with it.
Dr. Frasier Crane: I have a pretty good idea.
Roz Doyle: Well, DO IT TWICE!


"Cheers: Abnormal Psychology (#5.4)" (1986)
Frasier: You know, you perplex me.
Lilith: Oh?
Frasier: Yes, usually people of your limited physical appeal make up for it with an actual personality.


"Frasier: Burying a Grudge (#2.10)" (1994)
Dr. Niles Crane: If, uh, if anyone needs me, I'll be sleeping at the hospital tonight.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Why?
Dr. Niles Crane: Uh, Maris' doctor feels it's more soothing for the patient to duplicate the home environment as closely as possible, so I slipped a pearl-handled revolver under her pillow and got myself a room across the hall.


"Cheers: Bad Neighbor Sam (#9.9)" (1990)
[Woody is phoning Kelly to find out who the man was that took suggestive photos of her. A French speaking man answers the phone]
Woody Boyd: [to Norm, Frasier and Cliff about the man on the phone] Do you know what that pervert said to me? 'Allô'. What does that mean in English?
Norm Peterson: Wai, wai, wait, I took some French in high school. I think allô, allô means, um, 'I've got your girlfriend in my arms and, um, soon we'll be naked, you stupid cuckold'.
Cliff Clavin: That's funny, Norm, because I thought it meant, 'I have your girlfriend in my arms and we're already naked, you stupid cuckold'.
Dr. Frasier Crane: [to Norm and Cliff] Oh, for God sake, stop hectoring the poor lad.
Dr. Frasier Crane: [to Woody] It simply means that I enjoyed your girlfriend...


"Cheers: How to Win Friends and Electrocute People (#7.7)" (1988)
Sam Malone: [enters Cheers, holding a handkerchief to his nose] You know, you're insane! You're a maniac! You're certifiable!
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: I'm glad to see you're talking to me again. Has your nose stopped bleeding?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Sam, are you all right?
Sam Malone: Yeah - no thanks to your wife. I cannot believe you made that gesture to that guy!
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: I've seen people make that gesture to Frasier all the time.
Sam Malone: Yeah, but Frasier's not driving an eighteen-wheeler with a little bumper sticker that says 'Insured by Smith and Wesson'!


"Cheers: Don't Shoot... I'm Only the Psychiatrist (#10.13)" (1992)
Dr. Frasier Crane: [to the gang in the bar] Greetings all. I have a brief announcement. You may recall last year I brought in my dysfunctional men's group. Well, unfortunately my low self-esteem group heard about it and now they think they're not good enough.


"Cheers: The Little Match Girl (#11.1)" (1992)
[Witnessed by Frasier and Cliff among others, Sam has just kicked Rebecca out of Cheers for good for accidentally burning down the bar, and tells everyone that they are not to defend her]
Frasier: Well, I guess we've seen the dark side of Sam Malone.
Cliff: You want to see dark sides, you ought to see Ma when you leave the shower curtain on the outside of the tub. That's something you don't do twice.


"Frasier: The Maris Counselor (#5.13)" (1998)
Dr. Niles Crane: You know, I said I wanted closure, but I won't have it until I do one more thing...
[He takes off his wedding ring and goes to the balcony]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, be careful, Niles, from this height that could hurt somebody.
Dr. Niles Crane: No, all clear.
[throws the ring and shouts]
Dr. Niles Crane: Goodbye, Maris! You've hurt me for the last time!
Martin: Uh, Niles, is that your Mercedes parked down there?
[Niles looks down]
Martin: Whoa! Oh, well, a good body shop will be able to pound that out.


"Frasier: First Date (#5.20)" (1998)
Dr. Frasier Crane: [Realizes that Niles is still going to do his imaginary date] Daphne... is cooking dinner... for your date with a fictitious woman. Why not just set a place for the March Hare and the Mad Hatter?
Dr. Niles Crane: I didn't plan for this to happen, but we are having the most perfect evening! I'm feeling my confidence return, I just need a few more minutes alone, and I'll be able to tell her everything.
[the doorbell rings]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Niles, the longer you continue with this absurd lie, the more likely it is to blow up in your face!
Dr. Niles Crane: Why are you always such a doomsayer? As long as I keep track of what I'm saying, nothing is going to blow up on anyone!
[He opens the door, and finds Phyllis standing there]
Dr. Niles Crane: Phyllis!
Dr. Frasier Crane: [sarcastic] Ka-boom!


"Cheers: 'I' on Sports (#6.2)" (1987)
Dr. Frasier Crane: Sam, may I suggest deception.
Cliff Clavin: Well, ah, hold on to your horses there, Frasier. I mean, as a psychiatrist, isn't it your job to seek and uphold the truth?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, get real, Cliff.


"Cheers: Those Lips, Those Ice (#7.5)" (1988)
Sam Malone: Man, what is it with these East German babes? All week long, I have been trying phone calls, flowers, the whole thing. What am I doing wrong?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well Sam, I see no alternative. You're going to have to become a Communist.
Sam Malone: What do you do, do you apply for membership or something?


"Cheers: The Two Faces of Norm (#8.5)" (1989)
Dr. Frasier Crane: Norm! I think there's a lesson to be learned here. You alowed the evil side of your nature to rise up and now threaten to destroy everything you built. Let it go no further. Time has come to reject your darker self.
Norm Peterson: Thank you Obi-Wan Kenobi.


"Cheers: Diane Chambers Day (#4.22)" (1986)
Carla Tortelli: Yeah, well count me out. You know, every time we had a family gathering, they always tried to get me interested in opera. I just couldn't stand it. Just a bunch of fat, lonely people screeching and trying to stab each other.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Carla, you know, not all operas are like that.
Carla Tortelli: I was talking about the family gathering.


"Cheers: Where Have All the Floorboards Gone? (#10.8)" (1991)
Woody Boyd: Dr. Crane. Can you help me with something?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Of course, Woody.
Woody Boyd: You know, yesterday was mine and Kelly's third anniversary of going steady, and I gave her a dinky keychain, so she goes and gives me this three hundred dollar camera. So my problem is...
Dr. Frasier Crane: Say no more about it, Woody. If I were you, I wouldn't let Kelly's fine present cause you any guilt. After all, she comes from a very priviledged background, while you're an unsophisticated working man with nary two dimes to rub together. You know, these kinds of relationships rarely make through a third year.
Woody Boyd: Actually, I just wanted to know how to work the automatic flash. But now, I just want to go some place and cry.


"Cheers: Breaking in Is Hard to Do (#9.7)" (1990)
Dr. Frasier Crane: [about spending the day at the bar with Frederick] I thought that Frederick might enjoy himself.
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: Enjoy himself in a bar? He's eleven months old. What kind of values can he learn here?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, I thought the place had a lot to offer.
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: Oh, please. He'll never learn to speak in this environment.
Norm Peterson: [Norm walks into the bar] Afternoon everybody.
Frederick Crane: Norm!
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: [looks lovingly into Frederick's eyes] He said Mommy!


"Cheers: The Magnificent Six (#11.4)" (1992)
Henrí: France has won! France has won!
Dr. Frasier Crane: There's something you never hear.


"Cheers: Cheers Has Chili (#9.21)" (1991)
Woody Boyd: Mom finally sent out Grandma Meg's pressure cooker, so last night I whipped up a batch of chili.
Norm Peterson: Oh!
Woody Boyd: Do you want to try some?
Carla Tortelli-LeBec, Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane, Cliff Clavin, Norm Peterson, Dr. Frasier Crane, Pete: Oh yeah. Sure.
Woody Boyd: From an old family recipe.
Pete: Your Grandma's?
Woody Boyd: Nah, this old family that lived down the road.


"Cheers: Don't Paint Your Chickens (#7.15)" (1989)
Dr. Frasier Crane: Congratulate the doctor. I'm doing a piece on the psychological ramifications of Ingmar Bergman's later works for American Film.
Norm Peterson: Oh, that's great Frase.
Dr. Frasier Crane: I'd like to read it to you to see if it's still accessible to the layman. May I have your opinion?
Carla LeBec: Sure: buy a new suit, get a haircut, and stay home.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Thank you, Carla. Now, I call the piece, "Ingmar Bergman: Poet of the Subconscious". The films of Ingmar Bergman...
Norm Peterson: Boy, who could forget her in 'Casablanca', huh?
Dr. Frasier Crane: No, no, you're thinking of Ingrid Bergman, I'm talking about Ingmar Bergman.
Woody Boyd: Ingmar Bergman, the boxer?
Cliff Clavin: No Woody, you're thinking of Ingemar Johansson.
Sam Malone: You mean the guy that knocked out Floyd Patterson?
Norm Peterson: No, no, no, Sonny Liston knocked out Patterson.
Pete: Who knocked out Johansson?
Norm Peterson: Patterson.
Steve: Before Liston?
Norm Peterson: No, Johansson knocked out Liston.
Cliff Clavin: Well, who knocked out Patterson?
Woody Boyd: Was it Ingrid Bergman?
Pete: Ingrid Bergman...
Dr. Frasier Crane: [yells] Shut up, shut up! Not one more word. I came in here to discuss Ingmar Bergman, not to start an Abbott and Costello routine.
Norm Peterson: Actually, I thought it was more like Martin and Lewis.
Sam Malone: You mean, Joe Louis?
Cliff Clavin: Oh, he's the one who knocked out Floyd Patterson.
Woody Boyd: Then who knocked out Lou Costello?
Dr. Frasier Crane: [exasperated] Apparently Ingrid Bergman.
Woody Boyd: Boy, she was tougher than she looked.


"Frasier: Guns 'N Neuroses (#11.9)" (2003)
Daphne: Instead of playing games, why don't you just try talking to her?
Dr. Frasier Crane: We tried talking when we were married. We found we were better at playing games.


"Cheers: The Guy Can't Help It (#11.24)" (1993)
Dr. Frasier Crane: Let's get a woman's opinion. Carla will suffice.


"Frasier: Bad Dog (#5.18)" (1998)
Daphne: Roz, is everything all right?
Roz: Yeah, I'm fine. It's just that my hair is huge and this dress is a joke.
Frasier: No, nonsense, Roz. You look divine.
Roz: No, I look like Divine.


"Cheers: Where Nobody Knows Your Name (#9.4)" (1990)
Cliff Clavin: Anyone seen my gum? I left it around here somewhere.
Norm Peterson: What did you take your gum out for?
Cliff Clavin: Ah, give my mouth a rest.
Dr. Frasier Crane: [starts writing in his book] Dear Diary, today it finally happened...


"Cheers: The Improbable Dream: Part 2 (#8.2)" (1989)
Dr. Frasier Crane: So Sam, do you remember anything else about the dream?
Sam Malone: No, that was the eeriest thing. I mean it was real, it was vivid, like you, like real life.
Carla LeBec: Sammy, that's a premonition dream. That means it's really going to happen.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh Carla, that's an old wives' tale.
Carla LeBec: I'm an old wife.


"Frasier: Liar! Liar! (#4.10)" (1997)
Frasier: You know, Lilith actually told me the other day that Frederick has taken to lying. Yes, he told all of his friends that Lilith is an alien.
Martin: Seems as good an explanation as any!
Frasier: He also told them that she wears her hair in a bun to hide the third eye in the back of her head.
Roz: How did Lilith find out?
Frasier: Well, apparently she was driving him and two of his friends to a Junior Mensa meeting, when she looked in the rearview mirror and saw that they were making faces at the other cars. So, never have the words "*I* can see you!" caused so much screaming and wetting of pants!


"Cheers: Tale of Two Cuties (#6.15)" (1988)
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, thank you, one and all, for ruining yet another plot for me.
Dr. Frasier Crane: I'll be off, now, but before I go there's something I'd like to share with you.
Dr. Frasier Crane: In Citizen Kane, Rosebud is the name of his sled.
Dr. Frasier Crane: In Murder on the Orient Express, everyone did it, and Luke Skywalker's father is Darth Vader.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Ha!


"Frasier: Kenny on the Couch (#10.17)" (2003)
Dr. Frasier Crane: After one night out with you in a bar, the man is ready to throw away three weeks of intense analysis.
Martin Crane: Well, Fras, the guy's finally having a little fun. Don't you want him to be happy?
Dr. Frasier Crane: I am not trying to make him happy! I am trying to cure his depression.
Kenny Daly: Hey Marty, does this remind you of anything?
[Kenny downs his cup of coffee like a shot of liquor]
Kenny Daly: Ow, hot!


"Frasier: The Botched Language of Cranes (#2.6)" (1994)
Dr. Frasier Crane: I'd like to just say, as I've been saying for the last three hours, that it was not my intent to... cause anyone offense. But it seems obvious that I have, I would like to say this: I apologize. I do not find Seattle a depressing place to live. It would take more than clouds to obscure the beauty of her landscape and more than drizzle to dampen the warmth and good fellowship that makes Seattle the only place in this bad old world that I care to call home. 'Till Monday, then, this is Dr. Frasier Crane signing off.
[Frasier presses a button on his control panel and takes his headset off]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Good grief! Have you ever in your life heard such a bunch of whiny, provincial crybabies? I swear to God, this entire city has lost its tiny, rain-addled mind!
Roz Doyle: Uh, Dr. Crane, we're still on the air.
Dr. Frasier Crane: [awkward pause] Thank you, Roz.


"Frasier: Roe to Perdition (#10.18)" (2003)
[about the beluga caviar costing $100 per ounce]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Isn't that rather a lot to pay?
Robert: To you, yes. To the fish who gave up her life so you could spread her unborn children on a cracker, it's not so much.


"Cheers: Bar Wars VI: This Time It's for Real (#10.23)" (1992)
Dr. Frasier Crane: As that famous prankster Santayana once said, "Those who do not learn from history are condemned to repeat it".
Woody Boyd: You got that right, Dr. Crane. Back in high school, I was condemned to repeat History three times. By the way, the same goes for Mathematics.


"Frasier: Tales from the Crypt (#10.5)" (2002)
Dr. Frasier Crane: For the record, I knew immediately it was not my car. Mine has a bumper sticker on it that says, "I AM PRO OPERA AND I VOTE!"
Roz Doyle: Frasier, you've got to admit, it was clever.
Dr. Frasier Crane: I admit nothing. That is the last we shall discuss of it, we have a show to do.
Roz Doyle: OK.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Good afternoon, Seattle, and welcome to the Halloween edition of the Dr. Frasier Crane Show. Today we will be discussing the topic of fears. Are they irrational hindrances, or evolutionary tools? Hmmm... the surprising answer, after these words.
[He goes to commercial]
Dr. Frasier Crane: [on tape; wailing] My car! Ohhhh, no - my caaar! What did they do to you? Oh, my bay-beee...!


"Cheers: Do Not Forsake Me, O' My Postman (#11.5)" (1992)
[Frasier walks out of the men's room, where he was helping Cliff]
Sam Malone: [about Cliff] Oh, how's he doing there, Frasier?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, better, I think. Carla volunteered to bathe his face with cold water and he was doing fine until the seat came down on his head.


"Cheers: I'm Okay, You're Defective (#10.11)" (1991)
Dr. Frasier Crane: First, you get me to get this one million dollar life insurance policy, now you're badgering me about the will. Lilith, I'm practically afraid to start my car in the morning.
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: Frasier, I'm a scientist. If I wanted to kill you, I could certainly think of more clever ways to do it than that. Something subtle, something that couldn't be traced back to me.
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: [slyly] Drink your drink, darling.
[Frasier has a scared look on his face]
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: You are so cute when you fear for your life.


"Cheers: My Fair Clavin (#6.11)" (1987)
Dr. Frasier Crane: [to Rebecca] May I suggest something that seems to have worked for many of my patients?
Carla LeBec: What, changing doctors?


"Frasier: Hot Ticket (#6.4)" (1998)
Frasier: Niles, there is another way.
Niles: You don't mean...
Frasier: Yes. I know it's a calculated risk. It is a little uncertain.
Niles: You can't be serious. It's unthinkable.
Frasier: Niles, what other choice do we have?
Niles: But the indignity, it reeks of desperation.
Martin: Now, now, before you do anything desperate, at least go stand in the cancellation line.
Niles: What did he think we were talking about?


"Cheers: Loathe and Marriage (#11.15)" (1993)
Nick Tortelli: I have an opportunity to purchase an orangutan act.
Dr. Frasier Crane: [to Cliff, under his breath] Did he say purchase or join?


"Cheers: Never Love a Goalie: Part 1 (#5.16)" (1987)
Dr. Frasier Crane: [about going to a hockey game] I've been to the bull fights in Spain, been to the altar with Diane. I think that's enough carnage for one lifetime.


"Frasier: The Harassed (#10.12)" (2003)
Dr. Frasier Crane: I'm sorry to disappoint all of you, but I have absolutely no feelings for that woman except contempt.
Martin Crane: There he goes again. You know what they say about people who protest too much.
Dr. Frasier Crane: I know what you used to say: they should all be tear-gassed!
Martin Crane: [pause] I still think that, you know.


"Frasier: Hungry Heart (#8.14)" (2001)
[Niles seems strangely oblivious to Daphne's recent weight gain]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Listen, Niles. This may be a bit of a sensitive subject, but have you noticed anything... different about Daphne lately?
Dr. Niles Crane: Well, she's happier, as am I.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, I guess I meant more in a... physical way.
Dr. Niles Crane: Well, she trimmed her bangs, that was a week ago. Men!
Dr. Frasier Crane: I, I guess what I'm really talking about is her... size.
Dr. Niles Crane: Well, that's my fault. I was self-conscious about our height difference and I asked her to stop wearing high-heeled shoes.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Niles...
Dr. Niles Crane: Yes?
Dr. Frasier Crane: [gives up] I hope one day to love a woman the way you love Daphne.
[Niles hugs him]
Dr. Niles Crane: Don't worry, you will, you will.


"Cheers: Behind Every Great Man (#3.19)" (1985)
Diane Chambers: Uh, not this again. It's starting to sound like a broken record.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, now you're saying that I'm redundant, that I repeat myself, that I say things over and over.


"Cheers: Call Me, Irresponsible (#7.20)" (1989)
Cliff Clavin: All right, I got it, I got it. The worst possible way to die: to be eaten alive by rats.
Norm Peterson: Naw, I think I can do better than that. I'd say the worst way to die is to be sliding down a razor banister, OK? A greased razor banister.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Wait, I've got it. To die alone, knowing that you have never been loved.
Norm Peterson: Come on Frasier, if you're not even going to try...


"Cheers: To All the Girls I've Loved Before (#6.17)" (1988)
Dr. Frasier Crane: [entering his bachelor party] I was listening to a rock 'n' roll station on my way over here, you know to put me in the mood. There was a passage in one of those trifle songs, that I feel, well, is the keynote of this evening: "Everybody have fun tonight. Everybody Wang Chung tonight."


"Frasier: A Tsar Is Born (#7.7)" (1999)
[Frasier, Martin, and Niles are all watching "The Antiques Roadshow."]
Dr. Frasier Crane: [coming back from the kitchen] Dad, did we miss anything?
Martin Crane: Nah, just some bozo with a credenza who doesn't know a Biedermeier from an Oscar Meyer.
[They all laugh]


"Frasier: IQ (#6.19)" (1999)
Frasier: [to Niles] Whenever I feel envious about your IQ again, I'll just conjure up an image of you sprawled out on a bed of live Koi, weeping and desperately trying to revive that little plastic diver.


"Cheers: Swear to God (#7.2)" (1988)
Cliff Clavin: It's a genetic quirk in the Clavin family that we all have two extra teeth. You see, that's the only way that we can prove that we are the rightful heirs to the Russian throne.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Hello in there, Cliff. Tell me, what color is the sky in your world?


"Cheers: License to Hill (#10.18)" (1992)
Dr. Frasier Crane: [lovingly] There is nothing like a good cigar.
[Frasier lights up the cigar in his hand]
Dr. Frasier Crane: And this is nothing like a good cigar.


"Frasier: The Show Where Woody Shows Up (#6.13)" (1999)
Roz Doyle: [on Noel] He's been acting so weird lately.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Lately? May I remind you this is the man required by law to stay at least 100 yards away from William Shatner?


"Frasier: Sliding Frasiers (#8.13)" (2001)
Daphne Moon: [holding three shopping bags] Could you give me a hand here?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, I would, except I've sprained my shoulder.
Martin Crane: [pointing at his hip] Bullet in the hip.
Daphne Moon: You still have one good arm, Dr. Crane.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Now, the doctor told me to take it easy.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh! I met a girl today!
Daphne Moon: Yeah. So did she.


"Cheers: Bar Wars III: The Return of Tecumseh (#8.21)" (1990)
Dr. Frasier Crane: [about himself and Lilith] We're having a devil of a time trying to find a babysitter. Geesh, what we wouldn't give to get away together.
Carla LeBec: Oh, me too. I live for that.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Really? You could use a vacation?
Carla LeBec: No. I want you guys to go away.


"Cheers: The Triangle (#4.15)" (1986)
Dr. Frasier Crane: [looks at his mug of beer] Now there's a head I can shrink.


"Cheers: The Book of Samuel (#5.11)" (1986)
Dr. Frasier Crane: I'll tell you Woody, the psychiatric profession can really get rough sometimes. I think if I hear one more person telling me about one more problem, I'll explode.
Woody Boyd: I know just how you feel, Dr. Crane.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Actually, I suppose you do. Our professions are really very much alike. We both have to listen patiently while people unload their grief and suffering. Sometimes it's just more than I can bear.
Woody Boyd: I know just how you feel, Dr. Crane.
Dr. Frasier Crane: If only I had your ability to listen to a person's problem, sympathize with them, and yet still go on about my business calmly and happily. How to do you it, Wood?
Woody Boyd: I know just how you feel, Dr. Crane.
Dr. Frasier Crane: You're not listening to me, are you?
Woody Boyd: I know just how you feel, Dr. Crane.
Dr. Frasier Crane: How about a double scotch rocks.
Woody Boyd: Coming right up.


"Frasier: Whine Club (#7.17)" (2000)
Dr. Frasier Crane: [Frasier and Martin talk about his relation with Clare] So, you're going to see her again?
Martin: Oh, I don't know, I don't think it's gonna work out.
Dr. Frasier Crane: You're not still feeling guilty, are you?
Martin: No, what you said made a lot of sense. It's just that I think it's run its course.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, well, I have a theory.
Martin: Geez!
Dr. Frasier Crane: [Daphne enters and hears] No, no, hear me out. I think by giving you my approval to sleep with Clare I've made it less exciting for you. There was a certain illicitness to the relationship that gave it a kind of piquancy.
Martin: Frasier, it's Sunday, take the day off!
Daphne Moon: Wait, Mr. Crane. You slept with Mrs. Wojadubakowski?
Martin: [being sarcastic] Yes, I did, isn't that adorable?
Daphne Moon: No, it's disgusting, you dirty old man! Sleeping with that poor widow before her husband's even cold in the ground.
Martin: You think that was wrong?
Daphne Moon: You're damn right I do. You ought to be ashamed.
Martin: See, I told you, Frasier.
Daphne Moon: We live in a civilized society and there are certain rules we have to live by.
[getting carried away and confused]
Daphne Moon: We all have impulses we'd like to explore, but we don't!
Dr. Frasier Crane: Daphne?
Daphne Moon: Well, we can't just go chasing anyone you fancy just because you're suddenly attracted to them. There are certain things you don't do, no matter how tempted you are.
[Daphne leaves to her room]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Boy that was strange, wasn't it?
Martin: I don't think it was strange at all! Made a lot of sense to me!
[Martin gets up and gets his coat]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Where the hell are you going?
Martin: Well, I better get over to Clare's and apologize. Don't wait up for me Frasier, I've got a lot of apologizing to do!


"Frasier: Don Juan in Hell: Part 2 (#9.2)" (2001)
Lilith: Failure is a result, Frasier, not a cause, try to focus on the core.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Maybe there is no core. Maybe fate is just conspiring against me! Have you ever considered that?
Lilith: No, there's no such thing as fate.
Nanette: Ha! If that were true, there'd be no such thing as astrology!


"Cheers: Grease (#9.6)" (1990)
Dr. Frasier Crane: Cliff, do you want to shoot some stick?
Cliff Clavin: Let's shoot some stick, doctor.
Woody Boyd: [as Cliff and Frasier head to the pool room] Oh hey, before you go back there Dr. Crane, I should tell you that Carla's keeping a guard on the pool table.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Why's she doing that?
Cliff Clavin: I guess she likes him.


"Cheers: Golden Boyd (#7.13)" (1989)
Dr. Frasier Crane: [after Carla gives Frasier, Norm and Cliff three cigars from a plastic bin next to the register] Carla, we asked for a cigar. Not this flammable bratwurst.


"Cheers: The Sam in the Grey Flannel Suit (#6.20)" (1988)
Rebecca Howe: I finally figured it out. Life makes sense and I am not crazy.
Dr. Frasier Crane: That's only a layman's opinion.


"Frasier: Where Every Bloke Knows Your Name (#5.10)" (1998)
[Daphne is talking up her friend Clare]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Daphne, I thought by now that you would know my policy on fix-ups.
Daphne Moon: She's pretty, she's lonely, and she's an underwear model.
Dr. Frasier Crane: So you do know my policy. Off we go!


"Cheers: The Last Picture Show (#11.18)" (1993)
Newscaster on Television: We're going live now to the Route 93 overpass where an unidentified woman has climbed to the outside rail and is threatening to jump. An emergency rescue team has had no luck so far in persuading the woman to climb down from her dangerous perch.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, boy. As one who has been there, it is imperative that they do nothing to agitate that woman.
Cliff Clavin: Boy, oh boy. I mean, what would have to go wrong in your life to be driven to such desperate measures, huh?
Newscaster on Television: We have a tentative identification. The woman is Anna Cosetti of Boston...
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: Sam, can I take the afternoon off?
Sam Malone: Why?
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: I gotta go look after the kids. That woman is my babysitter.


"Cheers: Bidding on the Boys (#6.8)" (1987)
Dr. Frasier Crane: [after Lilith buys Sam in a bachelor auction] Oh Sam, Sam, I've got to talk to you. You can't go through with this.
Sam Malone: Come on man, she's only doing it to make you jealous.
Dr. Frasier Crane: God, I'm losing her Sam.
Sam Malone: No, would you stop that, man. You're my friend. I'm never going to take a woman away from you.
Dr. Frasier Crane: What about Diane?
Sam Malone: And didn't God punish me with a vengeance?


"Cheers: The Last Angry Mailman (#6.7)" (1987)
Dr. Frasier Crane: All right, stop everything. I've got a major news flash. I just had lunch with Miss Howe's former college classmate, and it seems that she had a nickname at UConn.
Sam Malone: Give, give.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, he wasn't sure how she came by this appellation, but it seems that at some point during her little sojourn there, she became known as... Backseat Becky.
[general laughter among the crowd]
Woody Boyd: Boy, what do you suppose that means?
Cliff Clavin: Woody, what that means is...
Carla LeBec: Cliff, Cliff, why don't you let someone who's been there tell it. Woods, she likes to do her cushion pushin' on four wheels.
Woody Boyd: Miss Howe? Really? You know, back where I come from, we used to say something about girls like that.
Carla LeBec: What?
Woody Boyd: Let's date 'em.
[Rebecca enters the room]
Sam Malone: [looking in Rebecca's direction] Oh, looky here. Something tells me I'm going to be completely obnoxious about this.
[everyone laughs as Rebecca approaches]
Rebecca Howe: What's so funny?
Sam Malone: Oh, we were just talking about nicknames, you know, different funny nicknames that people have. Did you ever have a nickname?
Rebecca Howe: As a matter of fact, no.
Sam Malone: Really? Nothing, huh? Not a Sparky, or Lefty, or Bubba?
Rebecca Howe: Sorry.
Sam Malone: Guys, we oughta give Rebecca here a nickname. Ah, you know, something that kind of fits her personality: kind of dignified, kind of businesslike, kind of reserved. Let me think a minute.
[pauses]
Sam Malone: Anybody?
Dr. Frasier Crane, Carla LeBec, Cliff Clavin, Tim, Hugh, Norm Peterson: [loudly] Backseat Becky.
[Rebecca slinks down behind the bar in embarrassment]
Sam Malone: Gee, that works for me.
Woody Boyd: I kind of like Bubba.


"Cheers: Cheers: The Motion Picture (#5.24)" (1987)
Dr. Frasier Crane: [after a video shot in Frasier's high-rise office shows a man jumping to his death, visible through the window] I've got to tell Dr. Judd to keep his windows closed during his depression seminars.


"Frasier: And Frasier Makes Three (#11.20)" (2004)
Roz Doyle: Oh, hi. I was just shopping around the corner, thought I'd stop by.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, gosh, well unfortunately I have a date.
Roz Doyle: That's okay, I have one myself. With Steve.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, yes, your convict friend. Do you think that's wise?
Roz Doyle: The man made one mistake. Besides, I don't know any guy who's not a little fascinated by fire.


"Frasier: A Passing Fancy (#8.22)" (2001)
Dr. Frasier Crane: Kirby! Did you do any reading this week?
Kirby: Sort of.
Dr. Frasier Crane: What does "sort of" mean?
Kirby: No.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Right. Why not?
Kirby: 'Cause it's a bunch of junk I'm never gonna need to know.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes, Kirby, this "junk", as you call it, may seem unimportant to you now, but knowing something about where we came from may help you to decide where you wish to go. Now, let's start learning about history, lest you be condemned to repeat it.
[He slides the book over to Kirby]
Kirby: Continue reading until your mother gets here.


"Cheers: An Old-Fashioned Wedding (#10.25)" (1992)
Rebecca Howe: Dead. He can't be dead. He just sat down to take a little nap.
Sam Malone: Frasier, are you sure?
Dr. Frasier Crane: I'm trained as a physician. Believe me, he's dead. You don't make that mistake twice.


"Frasier: The Friend (#3.11)" (1996)
Frasier: I had friends back in Boston. It's only since I've returned to Seattle that I've been falling back on Niles.
Niles: [insulted] "Falling back on Niles"?
Frasier: Oh, for God's sake, Niles. When we go out to dinner I always know exactly what you're going to say before you say it.
Niles: Well, then I'm sorry you had to hear that, Frasier.


"Cheers: Sam Time Next Year (#9.18)" (1991)
[Frasier is examining Sam's back after Sam takes a tumble down the stairs]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Let me see. I don't believe there's a fracture, just a serious sprain around lumbar 3. Does it hurt when I do this?
[Frasier manipulates Sams back]
Sam Malone: Ow-ow-ooh.
Dr. Frasier Crane: That's good, that's good.
Sam Malone: Why? Does that mean I'm going to get better?
Dr. Frasier Crane: No, 'cause it means that I know what I'm talking about.
Dr. Frasier Crane: [to Lilith] You see Lilith, I so could have been a real doctor.


"Cheers: The Crane Mutiny (#6.5)" (1987)
Dr. Frasier Crane: Lilith Sternin is a good woman: strong, durable, reliable.
Norm Peterson: She'd make a hell of a radial tire actually.


"Frasier: Daphne Does Dinner (#10.14)" (2003)
Dr. Frasier Crane: As usual, Frasier has to save the day.
Martin Crane: As usual, Martin has to hear about it.


"Frasier: Sharing Kirby (#9.9)" (2001)
[Frasier is examining Kirby's resumé]
Kirby: I fudged a little bit on my job history.
Dr. Frasier Crane: [unsurprised] So, you never actually worked at NASA.
Kirby: Or Burger King!


"Cheers: Tan 'N' Wash (#5.6)" (1986)
Carla Tortelli: Hey Frasier, you know there's something I've always been meaning to ask you. What was your reaction the first time you saw Diane naked?
[Carla slaps Frasier on his sunburned back]
Dr. Frasier Crane: [screams] Owwwe-ah!


"Cheers: How to Marry a Mailman (#8.4)" (1989)
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: Who's Margaret O'Keefe?
Dr. Frasier Crane: She's a young woman with which Cliff had a brief romantic relationship.
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: If you don't want to tell me, just say so. You don't have to make things up!


"Cheers: I'm Getting My Act Together and Sticking It in Your Face (#9.17)" (1991)
[Frasier is reading A Tale of Two Cities to the guys at the bar]
Dr. Frasier Crane: "It was the best of times. It was the worst of times."
Norm Peterson: Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa. Which was it?


"Cheers: Strange Bedfellows: Part 2 (#4.25)" (1986)
[It looks as if Diane may have lost Sam to Janet]
Dr. Frasier Crane: [to Diane] Welcome to the Loser's Club, baby. Now that you've paid your dues, here's your membership card.
[he places a drink in front of her]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Yeah, we're a pair, aren't we? A couple of chumps that life just kicked in the teeth, and why am I talking like Broderick Crawford?


"Frasier: Detour (#11.21)" (2004)
Frasier: Now, you were saying something about my dad's bachelor party?
Roz: Yeah. Weren't you having a problem deciding on the entertainment?
Frasier: Oh, yes.
Roz: Well, there's this girl in my spin class, and she does it all - strips, lap dances, movies.
Frasier: Really? Would I be familiar with her work?
Roz: I don't know, have you seen "Grinding Nemo"?


"Frasier: Desperately Seeking Closure (#5.8)" (1997)
Frasier: [has everyone tell him his faults] Fuss budget! Well, listen, if you don't mind the substitution, I think maybe "demanding" is more the mot juste.
Daphne: Pretentious.
Frasier: Right, you see, this is very good. Roz, you must have something?
Roz: Well, you are a little full of yourself.
Frasier: Great. Okay, pompous.
Roz: And you do tend to ramble on with the callers.
Frasier: A tad loquacious.
Martin: Pretentious.
Frasier: Dad, I already wrote that down.
Martin: Underline it.
Niles: Oh, snippy.
Daphne: Sarcastic.
Martin: Bossy.
Niles: Huffy.
Roz: Vain.
Frasier: Oh, how nice we've finally found an activity we all enjoy together!
Martin: Oh, don't worry about it Frasier. You'll be fine, you'll bounce back. You're tough.
Roz: And resourceful.
Niles: Resilient.
Martin: Optimistic.
Niles: Tenacious.
Daphne: Conceited.
Martin: Wrong list, Daph.


"Cheers: Smotherly Love (#10.20)" (1992)
[Frasier is complaining about his mother-in-law, Betty Sternin]
Dr. Frasier Crane: I suppose it's wrong of me to blame Betty for all our problems. I'm sure I'm not the way she wants me to be either.
Woody Boyd: How does she want you to be, Dr. Crane?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, dead.
Dr. Frasier Crane: The thing that really drives me crazy is the unrelenting tension between Lilith and her mother. You know, Lilith just holds it all in, she has to unload it somewhere and guess who gets to listen to it endlessly.
Woody Boyd: [sarcastically] Apparently me, Dr. Crane.


"Cheers: Indoor Fun with Sammy and Robby (#8.19)" (1990)
Dr. Frasier Crane: So where did you get all this expensive listening equipment anyway?
Norm Peterson: It's Pete's stuff. He uses this stuff all the time.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Pete? Are you a surveillance expert?
Pete: No. My wife sleeps around a lot.


"Cheers: The Cranemakers (#7.16)" (1989)
Dr. Frasier Crane: So all we need to do now is buy a stout axe and a plot of land in the wilderness.
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: And I'll stand by your side and bear your young and cook your meals.
Carla LeBec: Try not to get them mixed up.


"Frasier: The New Friend (#8.7)" (2000)
Dr. Frasier Crane: [to Eddie] Edwars Scissorpaws.


"Cheers: Woody Gets an Election (#11.21)" (1993)
City Councilman Kevin Fogerty: Kevin Fogarty, City Council. I hope I have your vote on election day.
Dr. Frasier Crane: And why exactly should I vote for you, Mr. Fogarty?
City Councilman Kevin Fogerty: Well, because I'm a hard worker, and I take a stand.
Dr. Frasier Crane: On what, exactly?
City Councilman Kevin Fogerty: The issues of the day.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Which are?
City Councilman Kevin Fogerty: The things that concern you and your family... the most.


"Cheers: Rebecca Gaines, Rebecca Loses (#11.23)" (1993)
Dr. Frasier Crane: [to Carla, Norm and Paul] If you really think Cliff is capable of murdering his mother, why do you remain his friends?
Paul Krapence: He's my ride.


"Cheers: Carla Loves Clavin (#9.22)" (1991)
Woody Boyd: Boy, that Carla sure is smart, buttering up to Mr. Clavin so she'll win. I wish I had those smarts when I was doing the county fair circuit with my hog, Mirabelle. Rule number one: you gotta schmooze. You gotta go to the right parties, you gotta sell out. I wouldn't, so I brought Mirabelle home a loser. Broke my heart.
Dr. Frasier Crane: How was Mirabelle?
Woody Boyd: Not bad with applesauce.


"Cheers: Young Dr. Weinstein (#5.7)" (1986)
Woody Boyd: [Woody has been testing newly invented drinks on the Cheers gang for hours; pours his latest creation from a cocktail shaker] Okay, Dr. Crane, drink up.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Woody, please! You promised you'd stop after the rum and trail mix!
Woody Boyd: That wasn't a drink; that was just something to cleanse your palate. Come on - here.
[Frasier sips drink]
Dr. Frasier Crane: My God, Woody!
Woody Boyd: That bad, huh?
Dr. Frasier Crane: No, no, it's terrific! Here, try this.
[hands drink to Norm]
Dr. Frasier Crane: I never had anything like it.
[Norm sips it]
Norm Peterson: All right!
[hands drink to Carla; she sips it]
Carla Tortelli: Oh, yeah! This one gets you in the Cocktail Hall of Fame!
[Woody pumps his fists]
Dr. Frasier Crane: So what's in it, Wood?
Carla Tortelli: Yeah, what's the secret recipe?
Woody Boyd: Well, I used two parts...
[starts to cry]


"Frasier: Motor Skills (#8.11)" (2001)
[the Crane boys get into trouble at a motor skills class]
Randy: Let me see you guys out in the hall.
[the other students make "Ooh...", "Busted." noises]
Randy: And bring your books and tools.
Frasier: [sarcastically as he stands up] Oh-ho, we're in trouble now.
Niles: [following behind] We're not in trouble, we *are* trouble.


"Cheers: Loverboyd (#8.22)" (1990)
Dr. Frasier Crane: [Cliff Clavin gives him a handwriting sample for analysis] Mother of God!


"Cheers: Woody for Hire, Meets Norman of the Apes (#6.13)" (1988)
Sam Malone: [about using the pool room on Sundays] Sunday is the night that we have our weekly pool tournament.
[general agreement from the guys]
Rebecca Howe: Well just have your pool tournament another night.
Sam Malone: [laughs] Yeah right. Like we can rearrange our schedule here, right.
Rebecca Howe: What about Monday night?
Sam Malone: Yoh, guys, we got a lady right off the boat here, doesn't speak any English. Tell her what happens Monday night, will you please.
Hugh, Cliff Clavin, Dr. Frasier Crane, Norm Peterson, Tim: Football.
Rebecca Howe: How about Tuesday?
Hugh: Darts night.
Rebecca Howe: Wednesday.
Cliff Clavin: Recovery from darts night.
Tim: Thursday's poker night.
Sam Malone: Friday's the night to howl.
Cliff Clavin: Yeah, and Saturday night is date night, so where does that leave us?
Norm Peterson: Horny on Sundays.
Sam Malone: Yoh!


"Cheers: The Bar Manager, the Shrink, His Wife and Her Lover (#11.17)" (1993)
Sam Malone: Did you hear that everybody? Frasier and Lilith are back together again. Oh, that makes me so happy. Here, free drinks on the house.
[Sam pours a mug of beer and hands it to an excited Norm]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Just a minute, Sam. I haven't taken her back.
Woody Boyd: [as he grabs the beer from Norm's hands] Ah, sorry, Mr. Peterson.
Norm Peterson: [to Frasier and Lilith] Wait, wait, come on now, now... You two kids belong together. Come on.
Dr. Frasier Crane: The unmitigated gall. You think you can walk back into my life and patch it up again as quickly as you destroyed it.
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: Frasier, I'm sorry.
Norm Peterson: All right, she's sorry. Beers for everybody, come on.


"Cheers: Fifty-Fifty Carla (#8.20)" (1990)
Rebecca Howe: Woody. Are you really doing Hair?
Woody Boyd: Yeah.
Rebecca Howe: How do you feel about doing that nude scene?
Woody Boyd: What are you talking about Miss Howe?
Rebecca Howe: The nude scene. I was in a production of Hair when I was in college. There is this very famous scene where everybody takes off their clothes.
Woody Boyd: Come on, Miss Howe. It's not like I just fell off the turnip truck. That happened years ago. Back then, I might have believed this nude scene business. Actually, I guess I would have believed anything after being dragged three hundred yards down a gravel road into the rose bushes.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Woody, do you have any fond memories of childhood that you can cling to?
Woody Boyd: The roses smelled nice.


"Frasier: Cranes Go Caribbean (#8.24)" (2001)
Lana Gardner: [Frasier takes a drag from her cigarette] I didn't know you smoked.
Dr. Frasier Crane: I don't. The way you're driving, I'm not going to die from natural causes anyway.


"Cheers: Airport V (#6.19)" (1988)
Sam Malone: Carla wants to visit Eddie on the west coast but she's afraid to fly.
Dr. Frasier Crane: What do you mean by afraid to fly, what, um, she's clausterphobic, agoraphobic or acraphobic?
Carla LeBec: Deathaphobic.


"Frasier: Cranes Unplugged (#8.10)" (2001)
Dr. Frasier Crane: What did you do?
Frederick Gaylord Crane: We played frisbee. It sucked with all those trees.


"Frasier: Beloved Infidel (#1.8)" (1993)
Dr. Frasier Crane: "How am I doing?" How are you doing, Niles? Doesn't it bother you that your father cheated on my mother?
Dr. Niles Crane: Frasier, your loyalties are seeping through, and I might point out that I got Mom's small features while you got Dad's chunky thighs.


"Cheers: A Bar Is Born (#8.3)" (1989)
Dr. Frasier Crane: There's an old real estate maxim that says the three most important things when looking for a property are location, location, location.
Woody Boyd: That's just one thing.
Dr. Frasier Crane: That's the point Woody.
Woody Boyd: What, that real estate people are stupid?
Dr. Frasier Crane: No, that location is the one most important thing in real estate.
Woody Boyd: Then why do they say that it's three things?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Because real estate people are stupid.


"Frasier: And the Dish Ran Away with the Spoon: Part 1 (#8.1)" (2000)
Martin Crane: Oh, look. Isn't that my Winnebago pulling out from the gas station?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, I'd say so. You know, Dad, I'm amazed you let Simon drive that thing.
Martin Crane: Oh, it'll be fine. I gave him a lecture about drinking and driving.
Dr. Frasier Crane: He did understand you were *discouraging* it?
Martin Crane: [laughing] Of course...
[reconsiders]
Martin Crane: Uh-oh.


"Frasier: The Ring Cycle (#10.1)" (2002)
Dr. Niles Crane: [what Niles is bringing on his honeymoon] I'm just bringing sunscreen.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Pardon me - I'm just going to poke out my mind's eye!


"Cheers: Christmas Cheers (#6.12)" (1987)
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh joy. Christmas Eve. By this time tomorrow, millions of Americans, knee deep in tinsel and wrapping paper, will utter those heartfelt words, "Is this all I got?"


"Frasier: Deathtrap (#9.19)" (2002)
[about the skull]
Dr. Frasier Crane: One thing is certain: Someone... is very dead.


"Frasier: Moons Over Seattle (#9.24)" (2002)
Frasier: Harry, let me get you a beer.
Harry Moon: Get a man a beer, he'll drink for five minutes. Teach him where they are, he drinks all day.