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: That thing is a damned hazard! Kate
: It's just a toaster! Leopold
: Well, insertion of bread into that so-called toaster produces no toast at all, merely warm bread! Inserting the bread twice produces charcoal. So, clearly, to make proper toast it requires one and a half insertions, which is something for which the apparatus doesn't begin to allow! One assumes that when the General of Electric built it, he might have tried using it. One assumes the General might take pride in his creations instead of just foisting them on an unsuspecting public. Kate
: You know something? Nobody gives a rat's ass that you have to push the toast down twice. You know why? Because everybody pushes their toast down twice! Leopold
: Not where I come from. Kate
: Oh, right. Where you come from, toast is the result of reflection and study! Leopold
: Ah yes, you mock me. But perhaps one day when you've awoken from a pleasant slumber to the scent of a warm brioche smothered in marmalade and fresh creamery butter, you'll understand that life is not solely composed of tasks, but tastes. Kate
] Say that again.
: I don't want it to be Sunday. I want more of this, more 1876.
[Kate finds a letter Darci has written in response to Leopold's invitation to dinner
: Darci? What is this? Darci
: It's a reply to Leopold's invitation... You're going, right? Kate
: I haven't decided yet. Darci
: Oh, you haven't decided if you want to have dinner on the rooftop with a duke? Kate
: Who thinks he's from 1876! NO. And I would appreciate it if... Darci
: Oh come *on*! I don't know what this guy did to piss you off, but that is the best apology letter in the history of mankind. Just sign it, Kate! It's four-thirty, we'll fax it.
[the phone rings and Darci picks it up, flustered
: Kate McKay's office.
[Darci slams the phone back down and starts to cry
: They hung up!
: I'm not very good with men. Leopold
: Perhaps you haven't found the right one. Kate
: Maybe. Or, uh... maybe that whole love thing is just a grown-up version of Santa Claus; just a myth we've been fed since childhood. So, we keep buying magazines, joining clubs, and doing therapy and watching movies with hit pop songs played over love montages all in a pathetic attempt to explain why our love Santa keeps getting caught in the chimney.
: I wasted the best years of my life on you. Stuart
: Those were your best years?
[From Director's Cut
: We make cereal crunchier. We make boring movies shorter. We made Smucker's get the seeds out of their jam. We did that. As far as I'm concerned, we're heroes.
: So clearly, you must be a man out of time or Sergeant Pepper!
[Talking on the phone
: Are you sitting down? Kate
] Yes. Stuart
: No, you're not. Kate
: Yes, I am. Stuart
: No, you're not. Kate
[Kate sits down in chair with a thud
: Okay. Stuart
: I found it. Kate
: What did you find? Stuart
: The portal. A crack in the fabric of time. It was over the East River, Kate, just where I said it would be. Kate
: You found the portal? Stuart
: A portal into April 28th, 1876. I jumped off the Brooklyn Bridge and took a walk in 1876 today. I followed the Duke of Albany around old New York. Are you listening? Kate
: Avidly. Stuart
: This here's the twist, Kate. Here's the kicker. Kate
: What's the kicker? Stuart
] He followed me home.
: Why are you standing? Leopold
: I am accustomed to stand when a lady leaves the table.
[So, Charlie gets up
: You of all people should understand, you're a scientist. I mean, you invented the elevator. Leopold
: What is an elevator? What are you talking... Where the hell am I? Stuart
: I told you, you haven't actually gone anywhere, you're still in New York. Leopold
: That sir, is not New York! Kate
: I'm afraid it is!
: Are you for real? Leopold
: I believe so.
: Stuart, Can you tell me in short, complete sentences featuring no words over two syllables why exactly I am in these pictures? Stuart
: Probably not. Kate
: I'm not the protagonist in a major motion picture.
: My palm pilot! You still have it. Stuart
: Kate, it's one in the morning. Kate
: And clearly, you're awake, so what is the infraction?
: I feel as though we've met on a previous occasion. Kate
: Well Lionel, seeing as how I've never met any of Stuart's friends, not even sure he has any, I don't think that's possible.
: Look, this is not complex. He gave me the Palm Pilot, he just forgot the pointy thing. Leopold
: I've been warned about you. Kate
: Oh. And what, pray tell, did the great disappointment say?
: Stuart, you can tell me you picked up a transvestite in Times Square. I don't care!
: You're tucking me in. Leopold
: Yes. Kate
: You're my Otis. Leopold
: Yes, Your Grace.
: People might think I'm brave, but I'm not. Leopold
: [quoting Thucydides
] "The brave are simply those with the clearest vision of what is before them - glory and danger alike - and, notwithstanding, go out to meet it."
: And... it's a great thing to get what you want. It's a really good thing unless what you thought you wanted wasn't really what you wanted... because what you really wanted you couldn't imagine or you didn't think it was possible but what if someone came along who knew exactly what you wanted without asking they just knew... like they could hear your heart beating or listen to your thoughts and what if they were sure of themselves and they didn't have to take a poll and they loved you... but you hesitated and I... uh... I have to go... I'm sorry but... I have to go!
: Sunday is the day before the day I work, so it gets poisoned.
: You require a chaperone. His intentions are obvious. Kate
: I'm alone with you, do I need a chaperone? Leopold
: We are not courting, Kate. If we were, as a man of honour, I would have informed you of my intentions in writing.
: Well, let us proceed. Please raise your glasses so we may toast to my bride-to-be, the woman whose welfare and happiness shall be my solemn duty to maintain. The future Duchess of Albany...
[Kate catches his eye
: Kate McKay. Of the McKays of...? Kate
: Massapequa. Leopold
[to his uncle's confusion, Leopold goes to Kate
: I love you. Leopold
: I love you.
[They kiss, then begin to dance
: I've been paying dues all of my life. And I'm tired, and I need a rest, and if I have to peddle a little pond scum to get one, then so be it.
: Can you go away? Can you just go away? Can you go away? Leopold
: Im sorry if I have offended you in anyway...
: You're sucking the life out of my condiments!
: She was a real romantic, my mom. When, when Prince Charles and Lady Di got married, she had a party, she made crumpets and jam. It was like a Super Bowl party, but for moms. She cried for a week. Leopold
: I don't know the story of Prince Charles and Lady Di. Kate
: Oh, you don't want to. It's a cautionary tale, further proof. Leopold
: Of what? Kate
: You can't live a fairy tale.