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: Are you suggesting madam that there exists a law compelling a gentleman to lay hold of canine bowel movements? Police Officer
: I'm suggesting that you pick the poop up.
: Don't you think it's time you told me who you are. I mean, don't get me wrong, doing the Duke thing with you 24/7 is a blast, but really. Who are you? Leopold
: [after a pause, simply
] I'm the man that loves your sister.
: That thing is a damned hazard! Kate
: It's just a toaster! Leopold
: Well, insertion of bread into that so-called toaster produces no toast at all, merely warm bread! Inserting the bread twice produces charcoal. So, clearly, to make proper toast it requires one and a half insertions, which is something for which the apparatus doesn't begin to allow! One assumes that when the General of Electric built it, he might have tried using it. One assumes the General might take pride in his creations instead of just foisting them on an unsuspecting public. Kate
: You know something? Nobody gives a rat's ass that you have to push the toast down twice. You know why? Because everybody pushes their toast down twice! Leopold
: Not where I come from. Kate
: Oh, right. Where you come from, toast is the result of reflection and study! Leopold
: Ah yes, you mock me. But perhaps one day when you've awoken from a pleasant slumber to the scent of a warm brioche smothered in marmalade and fresh creamery butter, you'll understand that life is not solely composed of tasks, but tastes. Kate
] Say that again.
[while at dinner, JJ has been quoting Boheme to Kate. As Leopold leaves, he decides to correct JJ's errors
: By the way. There is no "Andre" in Boheme. It's Rodolfo. And though it takes place in France, it is rarely played in French as it is written in Italian. Goodnight, Kate.
[he leaves. Charlie grins at JJ and Kate and then follows
: I'm not very good with men. Leopold
: Perhaps you haven't found the right one. Kate
: Maybe. Or, uh... maybe that whole love thing is just a grown-up version of Santa Claus; just a myth we've been fed since childhood. So, we keep buying magazines, joining clubs, and doing therapy and watching movies with hit pop songs played over love montages all in a pathetic attempt to explain why our love Santa keeps getting caught in the chimney.
: Why are you standing? Leopold
: I am accustomed to stand when a lady leaves the table.
[So, Charlie gets up
[Talking to himself
: Ah Miss Blaine, you dance like a herd of cattle. You are a rare woman who lights up a room simply by leaving it!
: You of all people should understand, you're a scientist. I mean, you invented the elevator. Leopold
: What is an elevator? What are you talking... Where the hell am I? Stuart
: I told you, you haven't actually gone anywhere, you're still in New York. Leopold
: That sir, is not New York! Kate
: I'm afraid it is!
: Is it your habit sir, to simply enter a conversation without introduction?
[Has chased and cornered a bag snatcher, while on horseback
: I warn you scoundrel, I was trained at the King's Academy and schooled in weaponry by the palace guard. You stand no chance. When you run, I shall ride, when you stop, the steel of this strap shall be lodged in your brain.
[bag snatcher throws down the bag an flees, onlookers applaud
: Are you for real? Leopold
: I believe so.
[Leopold and Charlie leave the club. Charlie is fuming because Leopold has enthralled Patrice, Charlie's love interest
: And I would have gotten her number if you hadn't turned the evening into a guided tour of the Louvre! Leopold
: My apologies. Charlie
: Let's get one thing straight. Patrice, she thought you were cute - probably gay, and cute - and cute, Leo, that's just the kiss of death. Leopold
: Perhaps. Charlie
: Perhaps? Certainly! Leopold
: [produces a napkin
] I believe this is her number.
[Charlie takes it from him in disbelief
: As I see it, Patrice has not an inkling of your affections, and it's no wonder. You, Charles, are a merry-andrew. Charlie
: A what? Leopold
: Everything plays a farce to you. Women respond to sincerity. No-one wants to be romanced by a buffoon. Now, that number rings her. Charlie
: Yes? Leopold
: So ring her tomorrow. Charlie
: I can't. She gave the number to you. Leopold
: Only because I told her of your affections. Charlie
: [taken aback
] Wha - what did you say? Leopold
: Merely that you admired her, but you were hesitant to make an overture, as you'd been told she was courting another. Charlie
: Shit... that's good! Well, what did she say? Leopold
: She handed me the napkin.
[Charlie rushes under a lit store window to read the napkin, and starts dialing his cell phone
: Charles, it's quite late. Charlie
: No, no, she won't be home yet. I get her machine and leave a message, ball's in her court. Leopold
: You're ladling calculation upon comedy. The point is, to keep the ball in *your* court. Charlie
: [slaps his phone shut
] You're right! You're right!
: Some feel that to court a woman in one's employ is nothing more than a serpentine effort to transform a lady into a whore.
: I feel as though we've met on a previous occasion. Kate
: Well Lionel, seeing as how I've never met any of Stuart's friends, not even sure he has any, I don't think that's possible.
: Look, this is not complex. He gave me the Palm Pilot, he just forgot the pointy thing. Leopold
: I've been warned about you. Kate
: Oh. And what, pray tell, did the great disappointment say?
: You're tucking me in. Leopold
: Yes. Kate
: You're my Otis. Leopold
: Yes, Your Grace.
: People might think I'm brave, but I'm not. Leopold
: [quoting Thucydides
] "The brave are simply those with the clearest vision of what is before them - glory and danger alike - and, notwithstanding, go out to meet it."
: It has always been your greatest misfortune, nephew, that you so thoroughly amuse yourself with the sound of your own voice. Leopold
: In a life as stagnant as mine, that I can amuse myself at all is an evolutionary miracle.
: You require a chaperone. His intentions are obvious. Kate
: I'm alone with you, do I need a chaperone? Leopold
: We are not courting, Kate. If we were, as a man of honour, I would have informed you of my intentions in writing.
: Well, let us proceed. Please raise your glasses so we may toast to my bride-to-be, the woman whose welfare and happiness shall be my solemn duty to maintain. The future Duchess of Albany...
[Kate catches his eye
: Kate McKay. Of the McKays of...? Kate
: Massapequa. Leopold
[to his uncle's confusion, Leopold goes to Kate
: I love you. Leopold
: I love you.
[They kiss, then begin to dance
: Marriage is the promise of eternal love. As a man of honor I cannot promise eternally what I've never felt momentarily.
: [of the Brooklyn Bridge
] Good Lord, it still stands. The world has changed all around it, but Roebling's erection still stands! Ha, ha!
[to nearest bystander
: That, my friend, is a miracle! Sanitation Worker
: What? Leopold
: It's a miracle, man! Sanitation Worker
: It's a bridge.
: [about the dishwasher
] And you push this button. Word to the wise: don't press that till she wakes up, so she sees you doing it. Leopold
: How clever. The proverbial tree in the woods. Charlie
: If a man washes a dish, and no one sees it... Charlie
: - did it happen? Charlie
: What has happened to the world? You have every convenience and comfort, yet no time for integrity.
: [Charlie, obviously drunk, is entertaining his friends with stories from acting camp
] He started squirting everybody with this turkey baster and screaming "Un-sex me! Un-sex me!" Dennis
: Wasn't Willem Dafoe in that group? Charlie
: Yeah, and he went on to talk about how a lot of secrets are hidden in people's basements... Leopold
: Like the Louvre?
[everybody pauses and looks at Leo
: I'm sorry, Charles, you were saying? Patrice
: What about the Louvre? Monica
: Yeah, tell us what you were going to say. Leopold
: Well, not all of the artwork in the Louvre is on the walls. Some is in the basement. Patrice
: You've been in the basement of the Louvre? Leopold
: Why, yes! Patrice
: I was a art history major at Vassar! Leopold
: Can you go away? Can you just go away? Can you go away? Leopold
: Im sorry if I have offended you in anyway...
: Otis always told me love is a leap. Lamentably, I was never inspired to jump.
: [to Charlie
] You're intoxicated. We should retire.
: [Leopold writes an apology letter to Kate
] Dearest Katherine... I behaved as an imbecile last night,I animated in part by drink, in part by your beauty,and in part by my own foolish pride and for that I am profoundly sorry. Please accept as a gesture of apology, a private dinner on the roof top tonight at 8 O'Clock .
: Where I come from the meal is the result of reflection and study. Menus are prepared in advance, timed to perfection. It is said that without the culinary arts, the crudeness of reality would be unbearable.
: She was a real romantic, my mom. When, when Prince Charles and Lady Di got married, she had a party, she made crumpets and jam. It was like a Super Bowl party, but for moms. She cried for a week. Leopold
: I don't know the story of Prince Charles and Lady Di. Kate
: Oh, you don't want to. It's a cautionary tale, further proof. Leopold
: Of what? Kate
: You can't live a fairy tale.