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: I gave you 100 million dollars. You agreed to not go over! Vincent Chase
: Because you said I couldn't direct unless we agreed. Johnny Chase
: It's like when a girl asks if you want to bang her hot sister. Of course you say 'no' but neither of you really believes you mean it, though. Ari Gold
: What is he doing here?
: We can't finish the movie without money. Ari Gold
: Really? Because I thought we could finish it with Fruit Loops. Eric Murphy
: You're funny. But did you tell Vince, because he's on his way to editing. Ari Gold
: I'm telling you. Because it is your job, along with going over budget and being short, to tell him these things.
: Did I tell you the Jewish Journal just named me "Best Looking Circumcised Studio Head"?
: This man treated my son like a horse's ass, which he is, but that's not really the point. You said you had a son, Gold? Ari Gold
: I do. He's 12. Larsen McCredle
: Well I hope when he grows up he's not a complete and utter fuckin' buffoon like mine, but just in case he is, I hope the people that respect you at least pretend to respect him.
: Hey, Liam! Liam Neeson
: Go fuck yourself, Ari. Ari Gold
: Forgive and forget, buddy, no?
[Liam flicks Ari off and drives away
] Ari Gold
: Hey Schindler, leave no Jew behind!
: Travis, have you met Emily Ratajkowski? Travis McCredle
: No, but I feel like we already know each other. I saw your Sports Illustrated spread on the plane. That looked cold; was that cold? Emily Ratajkowski
: It was. Travis McCredle
: Well, it was still hot.
: Ari, we sure do 'preciate you comin' out here all this way. Ari Gold
: Oh, of course. Larsen McCredle
: You been on the job nearly 8 months and hadn't payed us a visit. We're beginning to feel unloved. Ari Gold
: I didn't know I was invited. Larsen McCredle
: Oh, anybody spends my money like you do is always invited to my home to tell me why.
: [on the phone with E
] Don't hang- did you hang up on me? E! You fucking DWARF CUNT!
: Do you know how hard I have worked to avoid going to Texas? Do you know what they do to Jews in Texas?
: Hey Ari, tell me you're not parking there. Ari Gold
: It's my studio, Ed. Don't force me to revoke your parking privileges! Ed O'Neill
: Fucking asshole!
: [at Lloyd's wedding
] The commitment that these two men are about to make is the most important commitment anyone can make. Ari Gold
: If you're not gay, Lloyd, now would probably be the time to say so. George Takei
: And if you are, Ari, this is probably your time. Ari Gold
: Don't kid yourself, Sulu.
: It's 2 AM. You sat down to watch this movie at midnight. Ari Gold
: I'm mentally prepping. I'm gonna start now. Wanna join me? Mrs. Ari
: You said I couldn't. Ari Gold
: Well you can blow me through it in case it sucks.
[at couples therapy
] Ari Gold
: I promised my wife that if she let me go back to work, it would be nothing but fun and it has been. I do almost nothing but smile all day. And the anger meds didn't make me calm, they just made me not able to cum, which just made me angry, and just made my wife sore. Now, currently I am a little bit stressed about this giant movie because I haven't been able to see it until yesterday - thank God it's FUCKING amazing. But suddenly this little punk bitch version of Forrest Gump thinks that he has the authority to weigh in on cutting my movie star director's brother, and his fucking Foghorn Leghorn of a father won't call me back to tell me that he doesn't, so yes, I am a tiny, TINY bit stressed, which is normal, no?
: [about Travis
] He doesn't like Drama. He wants to cut him out. Vincent Chase
: Johnny? Ari Gold
: Yeah. Mark Wahlberg
: That's fucked up, Vince. I'm gonna do my reality show the Wahlbergers right now at A&E - if they tried to cut out my mother, I'd kill somebody, even if she sucked as bad as Drama probably sucks.
: Vincent Chase is great in this movie. Travis McCredle
: Bullshit, he sucks. His too-pretty face ruins the fuckin' thing - it's distracting! Ari Gold
: How the hell are you gonna fix his face with editing? Travis McCredle
: I guess I'm not! Which is why I told my father we should just bite the bullet, put some more money into this thing, and reshoot it with new actors and a different director. Ari Gold
: Hmph, reshoot. You have any idea what that'll cost? Travis McCredle
: That's your job to figure out! But I'll bet that there's a cheap way to do it digitally. Hell, I saw Tupac Shakur in concert last year - that guy's been dead twenty years!
[squeezes whipped cream into his mouth
: What did you spend the money on? I know it was not on Turtle and craft services. Turtle
: You like the new smelt frame? Ari Gold
: You look like Karen fucking Carpenter.
: [arriving at the screening
] What did I do wrong with my life? Is this a normal Tuesday afternoon? Eric Murphy
: You should see our Wednesday parties.
: Fuck me. Is that Emily Ratajkowski over there talking to Vinnie Chase? Eric Murphy
: Sure is. Ari Gold
: You want to meet her? Travis McCredle
: I want to marry her, but you have to start somewhere.
: Come on, Travis. You mean to tell me you didn't wait outside her house, after she told you goodnight, just to see if Vince showed up? Travis McCredle
: He fucking snuck in there after me. I put in a whole night. Ari Gold
: Wow, I wasn't 100% sure I was right.
: Travis doesn't really hate the movie. He hates Vince. Travis McCredle
: Dad, he is so full of shit. Larsen McCredle
: What did I say? You want a boot up your ass? Travis McCredle
] No. Ari Gold
: Now, I have a son, so this is hard. Larsen McCredle
: Well speak god damnit. Ari Gold
: This whole thing is over a girl. Larsen McCredle
: What girl? Travis McCredle
: Dad. Larsen McCredle
: Shut up. What fucking girl? Ari Gold
: Emily Ratajkowski.
: [on the phone with E
] Where are you? It sounds like you're getting fucked with a jackhammer. Sarah Gold
: $10 in the curse jar, daddy. Eric Murphy
: I'm test driving a new car. Ari Gold
: Matchbox or Hot Wheels?
: When my father gave away my car, I was forced to lose my virginity on the back of a moped.
: He's already started to learn Spanish. Ari Gold
: I know, he's left 15 messages on the machine. The wife thinks I'm fucking the gardener.
: [to his maid
] It's all right, you keep an ear out. You've got a big gift for Navidad coming, okay?
: Vince said that you were going to come here and listen to me... Ari Gold
: "Vince said he'd throw me a piece of pussy because he's famous..." Whatever you want, Turtle, okay? I will rep you, all right?
: You want to hire Max Ballard. He's Dakota Fanning with a dick.
: Noah can build an ark and save all of God's creatures in 40 days. He can't shoot a movie in 65?
: How about a quick blowjob before my Vince dinner?
: You know I don't like to lie, Ari. Ari Gold
: Lloyd, be a man. Or as much of a man as you can possibly be for God's fucking sake.
: This lying is making me breakout. God I have a date tonight. Ari Gold
: Well I'm sure your date will pop that with his pecker. Don't worry.
: I always knew that you like dick, Babs. I just didn't know you were a cocksucker.
: You know what's interesting about that... is that you use the word "master plan" and "rat" when talking about me, you Hitler-loving, anti-semitic, cuntbag.
: This is not a drill. This is not an emergency! Lloyd
: Well, who's going to man the phones? Ari Gold
: Fuck the phones, Lloyd! Unless Carmen Electra calls for an emergency titty fuck, don't answer!
: Hey Babs. The Traitorous Skanks Anonymous meeting's next door.
: Ari, you have no money, and I have too much. Ari Gold
: So what do you want? Barbara Miller
: To fuck... kidding. I want 60% and my name on top. Ari Gold
: I'd rather fuck.
: [after agreeing to partnership with Babs
] Ladies and gentlemen, I present... MILLER-GOLD!
] Ari Gold
: [to himself
] We sound like a fuckin' beer.
: People, we have a traitor in our midst. Let this be a lesson to all of you. Ari Gold
: You're making a very big mistake, Terence. Terence McQuewick
: That's what Arthur Jensen said in 1973. He was the first conspirator that I ever dealt with. Try finding him now, Ari. He's selling auto insurance in Reseda. Ari Gold
: Okay, people, most of you are sitting there and you're looking at this good-looking old man and you're wondering, "Who the fuck is he?" And you know what? That's exactly what you should be doing. You all know who's been running this company for the past eight years. And you all know that when I go, in no time you will be repping nobodys like Bill from "The Apprentice." No one needs to make a decision right now. I will be starting my own agency. Two very important goals will apply - to make everyone who is in at the ground floor rich, and to burn this motherfucking place to the ground! Lloyd, are you with me? Ari Gold
: [Lloyd remains silent. Ari approaches him
] Lloyd, what are you doing? You and me we have a special bond. Come on, let's go. Lloyd
: Ari, swear to me that you will never again say anything offensive to me about my race or my sexual orientation. Ari Gold
: I can't swear to that, but I promise I will always apologize after.
: No e-mails, no faxes, no phone calls, no nothing. Simply silence, Lloyd. Lloyd
: Ari... Ari Gold
: Silence, Lloyd. It's golden.
: Listen, Lloyd. Do you want to make it or do want to fold shirts at a Chinese laundry?
: Lloyd, pack up all my files. Pile everything you see into a box. Everything! You see a used condom, an executioner's mask, and a goddamn spiked paddle... don't think, just pack that bitch. Chop suey!
: Ernesto. How many fucking pesos did I give you for Christmas? Huh, Ernesto? Every Christmas for the past decade. Half of Mexico is eating on my tips that I have given you. Now, bring my motherfucking car now, por favor. Ernesto
: Sorry, Mr. Gold, I can't do it. Oh, and Mr. Gold. I'm from Guatemala, and our currency is the quetzal.
: [after Ari is fired from the Agency
] You will bounce back from this Ari Gold. Ari Gold
: I drove to work in a 80 thousand dollar mercedes, im driving home in a prop car from the fast and the furious, I just don't see it.
: I've worked 18 hours a day to save up the money to put myself through Stanford Business School. While I was there, I cleaned the cafeteria during the hours I wasn't studying and still graduated top of my class, only to take a job delivering mail to unappreciative overpaid little cocksuckers. Then to finally get the big promotion that would allow me to answer your phones and be both racially and sexually harassed for the next nine months. But I know the endgame... and you Ari Gold, you are it. So stop your fucking whining, and go into your gorgeous three million dollar house, with your beautiful goddess wife and figure out how you're going to make both of our lives happen... tomorrow! Ari Gold
: That was a good speech, Lloyd. Yeah if I was 25 and liked cock, we could be something.
: Could I have the car keys please? Ari Gold
: Come on! There's a cab stand at fucking Yukka! Mrs. Ari
: Give me the fucking keys! Ari Gold
: [hands over the keys
] Drop me off?
: Who's got the number one movie in the country, motherfucker? Eric Murphy
: We beat the squirrel? Ari Gold
: Number one live action film in the country!
: I had video sex with an Ecuadorian girl this morning. Eric Murphy
: I hope she was 18. Federal offense if not.
: What time is it? Ari Gold
: It's time for you to wake the fuck up. I already shot a 72 bitch! Eric Murphy
: What on the front 9? Ari Gold
: Yeah, that's funny cunty.
: You fucking my assistant? Vincent Chase
: Nooooo! Ari Gold
: Last thing I want to do is fire one of your fuck-buddies. You know that. You know that right?
: You think my assistant's hot? Eric Murphy
: Yeah, I do. Ari Gold
: I think I'll hit that.
: Ari, I'm getting killed here. Vince isn't happy. Ari Gold
: Of course he's not happy. Nobody's happy in this town except for the losers. Look at me, I'm miserable... that's why I'm rich.
: I tell you what, Domino's is hiring. Why don't you put that little pizza sign on top of your Maserati? Now that is comedy. Eric Murphy
: Getting dragged through your office in front of your entire staff by a guy half your size, now that's tragedy.
: He says he doesn't wanna do a commercial... that's it. Ari Gold
: For half a million dollars. Vincent Chase
: What was the director's name again? Ari Gold
: Cha-ching! I'm sorry... Chaing Chung, boom!
: I got the cash you wanted. Eric Murphy
: Oh yeah? What, did you dust your tranny gear and hit Santa Monica Blvd.?
: Chang Chung is the hottest director in Hong Kong. Tarantino has already decided he's the next guy he wants to steal from. Vince
: Cool. Guy must be good. Tarantino only steals from the best. Ari Gold
: That's right, baby.
: He's never had a straight agent. If I'm going to be his first, I have to show him I'm a friend to the gay man. Lloyd
: But, you're not a friend to the gay man, Ari. Ari Gold
: Lloyd, this is the big one. So just go grab your best dress and know that today your love of cock is a huge asset to this company.
: Sacrifice, Lloyd! Like the kamikaze pilots used to do!
: My assistant's about to be gang-raped by a gang of one!
: Tomorrow's a new day, Ari. Remember, you always have a chance to get it back. Ari Gold
: We're Jews, baby. No, we don't.
: We may be whores at my agency, but we ain't pimps!
: [Ari and Mrs Ari discuss Terrance's buyout offer with the marriage therapist, and the real reason comes to light after Mrs Ari mentions Terrance, Adam Davies, and Lloyd
] Is it true? Do you want to destroy these people, Ari? Ari Gold
: Okay, yes, if could *gouge out* Terrance McQuewick's eyeballs and eat them for what he did to me, I would! And I would sell that Benedict Arnold Adam Davies into white slavery if we lived in a place that had a market for it. And LLOYD, that little queen, who I welcomed into my home and allowed to play with my children and care for my dog and who left me for those two scumbags, I would tie him up and allow the entire Screen Actors Guild to anally rape him if not for the fact that I'd know he would enjoy it. I hate 'em all, and yes, I want to see them destroyed. But *that* is not why I want this company. I want, no, I *need* this company, because it's good business. It's good goddamn business and if I don't buy it, someone else will and that will be very very bad for my business. And my wife, of all people, should know, that when it comes to business, my judgment is never clouded, so please...
[pleads to Mrs Ari
] Ari Gold
: Please, support me like you always have, and I will deliver for us, like I always have. Dr. Marcus
: So, what do you think? Ari's Wife
: I think that was a good speech. Dr. Marcus
: Yeah. Ari's Wife
: Do what you need to do, Ari. Ari Gold
[Mrs Ari nods
] Ari Gold
: I love you.
[Kisses Mrs Ari
] Ari Gold
: [to therapist
] Can we fuck in here?
: [At the TMA offices, Ari has just terminated Adam Davies and several other employees at paintball gunpoint, and is now looking for Lloyd
] Now where's Lloyd Lee? Black Employee
: Mr Lee knew you were coming, Mr Gold. He decided that he will not wait for your arrival. Ari Gold
: Now why don't I believe you?
[shoots upward then walks somewhere else
] Ari Gold
: Now Lloyd, maybe you're not here, maybe you are. Either way, you have nothing to fear, because I'm not gonna kill you. I love you! You see even though you betrayed me, you were the best slave that I've ever had. I mean, who could possibly replace the way that you picked up my dry cleaning? No one! Who could better the way you picked up my dog shit, and if I liked short, fat men sucking on my dick, I'm sure that no one could do it better than you either. So, return to the king, or exile yourself from this town forever! You have until the end of the day tomorrow to agree to be rebranded *mine*!
: Listen, you crawled over here for a reason. What is it? Terrance McQuewick
: I want to make this deal work. Ari Gold
: Well then I suggest you go find a buyer who will let you push them around, 'cause it ain't gonna be me. Terrance McQuewick
: I want you to buy it. Ari Gold
: Why? Because you miss having some sort of control over me? Terrance McQuewick
: Listen, I'm smart enough to know that I never had control over you. Ari Gold
: No, not while I was working for you, or shall I say with you. I was your number one asset; we used to laugh at all those other dickheads, but you became one when you threw me out of the company that *I* built! Terrance McQuewick
: Look, let's put the past behind us. The future's yours; don't destroy my legacy out of spite. Ari Gold
: Admit that you destroyed me out of spite, out of bitterness, and out of jealousy. Terrance McQuewick
: Is that what all this is about, you want me to apologize? Poor, hurt little boy still pines for his daddy's approval? Ari Gold
: I became too big for you and you couldn't handle it. Terrance McQuewick
: No, I couldn't handle your rotten ego, or your extraordinary salary demands! Ari Gold
: Bullshit! Terrance McQuewick
: So, this is why you won't let me keep my name? Ari Gold
: If you don't like it then you can go find someone else. Terrance McQuewick
: I don't want anyone else. You're the only one who can take this company forward for the next fifty years. Ari Gold
: Well then apologize. Terrance McQuewick
: I just did.
: You know what I'm looking forward to, Terrance? Terrance McQuewick
: No, what's that? Ari Gold
: Walking through this place Terminator style and eradicating all the deadweight. Terrance McQuewick
: Well, unlike you, I have a soft heart. Ari Gold
: Hahaha, soft as a diamond.
: Dana, I have never cheated on my wife, not since she became my wife, but if you wanna jerk me in the car right now, I'm game. Dana Gordon
: Rain check, Ari.
: What the hell are you mad at me for, Allen? I did everything I can to get Vince on A2. He's a kid, he made a mistake. You know he'd kill as Joey Ramone. Allen Grey
: Well, maybe he would, maybe he wouldn't. But I do know that Jake Gyllenhaal definitely will. I saw some of his camera tests for A2 - brilliant. You know what my only regret is, Ari? That I didn't put Jake in A1, because I could only imagine it would've been even bigger. Dana Gordon
: Allen, that's not really fair, okay? Vince was great. Allen Grey
: Well thank you, Dana, but you're only here to take notes not offer opinions. Since there really aren't any notes to be taking, you don't need to be here at all, do you? Hm? Come to think of it, neither do I. That's two minutes, Ari. Goodbye. Ari Gold
: Hard to believe that you've been divorced three times, Allen.
: How is it to take it in the ass anyway, Lloyd? Lloyd
: I don't know Ari, I'm a top. Ari Gold
: Come on, really?
[Ari is dodging Vince's calls
: I am so sorry, Vince, he is not here. Vincent Chase
: Oh, well then when he gets in tell him I'd like to have lunch. Lloyd
: [to Ari
] He wants to have lunch.
[Ari mouths to Lloyd to make an excuse
: Vince, I've got his schedule, there's no way he can make lunch. He has a ginormously important lunch already planned.
[Ari angrily gestures
] Vincent Chase
: Okay, then tell him to call me back. Lloyd
: Okay, I will.
] Ari Gold
: Why the fuck did you just tell him I have a more important lunch? Do you think that's going to put a smile on his face? Lloyd
: What did you want me to say? Ari Gold
: That I have a huge wart on my cock that needs removal would've been better. Wake the fuck up, Lloyd!
: [after the boys get back from shooting Queens Boulevard
] We know what we want to do next. Ari Gold
: What, the fucking Belt Parkway?
: You like gaysian Lloyd? He's cute, right? And he covers two quotas.
: [Eric and Ari are discussing film roles for Vince
] Tom Cruise is going to play Pablo Escobar? C'mon, the guy's not even Hispanic. Ari Gold
: Yeah, and Hilary Swank has a vagina, and she won an Oscar pretending she has a dick. That's what actors do. They pretend. Eric
: All right, I get it, I get it, okay. So what if Cruise passes? Ari Gold
: Then they go to Brad Pitt. He passes, they go to Keanu Reeves, and on down the list. Eric
: Where is Vince on that list? Ari Gold
: He ain't on the list. Eric
: Well, how do we get him on the list? Ari Gold
: You do 'Aquaman' you stupid fuck!
: [about turning down Aquaman for Medeean
] We wanna do it. Ari Gold
: Yeah, and I wanna fuck Angelina Jolie. The only difference is, I might actually have a shot.
: [to Vincent
] Listen, take a deep breath and relax. It's all gonna be fine. Eric Murphy
: How? Ari Gold
: Because the Jew has arrived and he doesn't like Germans.
: [about Dana Gordon
] So what, you really think she's going to let you replace the director? Ari Gold
: After what I did for her, she would let us double penetrate her if I asked her.
: [storming off
] I'm not gonna take any more of this shit. Dana Gordon
: Oh yes you fucking are, get your ass back here. I hired you and you have a movie to finish that you are getting paid a lot of money to do, and that is exactly what is going to fucking happen! Do you understand me? Ari Gold
: I do. Anyone else turned on right now?
: When you took this movie Vinnie Chase was attached and that's how you will finish it. Verner Vollstedt
: Are you threatening me? Ari Gold
: If you consider me telling you that you'll be lucky to get a Der Wienerschnitzel commercial in this country if you don't go back to work, then yeah, it's a fucking threat.
: So Ari, who's gonna be running this shindig, you or me? Ari Gold
: You've got the biggest cock in the room, Babs. Why don't you kick it off? Barbara Miller
: Oh I don't know about that, Ari. We haven't seen Eric's yet.
: Got Milf?
: A little memory trick, when they introduce themselves: word association. Like you say "Eric Murphy" I think loser. Eric Murphy
: Like Ari Gold - douchebag?
[in a room with Mandy Moore's agents
] Ari Gold
: They're just asking you to get Vince to put this relationship on hold until the movie's over. Eric Murphy
: Ari, the guy's in love, all right? He's not going to put his relationship on hold, but I promise you he will be where he needs to be. You guys do the same thing with Mandy and we'll be fine, okay? You done? Nice meeting you.
[begins walking out
] Barbara Miller
: Eric. You don't want to wind up spinning dough at that fucking pizza place again, do you? Ari Gold
: I told her a little bit about you.
[Eric walks over to Barbara
] Eric Murphy
: Listen Babs, you don't want to talk to me like that, cause I don't care who you are. Yes, I am Vince's manager, but we've also been best friends since we were 6 years old, and I don't appreciate sitting in a room discussing his personal life with a bunch of fucking strangers.
: There're no asterisks in this life, only scoreboards, and ours is currently reading "fucked."
: [Eric's phone rings at 5 in the morning
] Why Ari? Why? Ari Gold
: I'm in bed E, talk dirty to me. Eric
: It's five in the morning, Ari. Ari Gold
: What are you wearing? Eric
: Fuck you! Ari Gold
: I love when you say fuck, say it again.
: We're gonna dent that headboard. No bullshit. I guarantee you! You will not walk right tomorrow.
: Okay, see, after the year that I've had and on the most important day of my life you'd think she might ask what I wanted, a nice blowjob perhaps, where all I could do is just sit back for the first time in nine months and do nothing but admire the top of her head and pray that this fucking movie opens so I can stop selling off assets like we're fucking Michael Jackson. Now I have to answer the fucking batphone when it rings three fucking times and it's fucking Vince.
: He's protected. We get 'em wet with Vince first I guarantee you they will fuck us. We blow our load with Bob and we might not even get our balls tickled. Eric
: Ari, you know what, I don't know what the fuck you're talking about, but you're making me uncomfortable.
: What if I were to tell you that I had a 22 inch cock, is that something you might be interested in?
: It's like high school, E. You can't fuck the prom queen until she finds out her best friend jerked you off underneath the bleachers.
: [setting up a conference call
] E, I have Ari and Bob for you. Ari, here's E and Bob. Bob, you have E and Ari. Ari Gold
: Shut the fuck up, Lloyd!
[Ari's wife and kids are leading Ari outside to surprise him with a Ferari
] Mrs. Ari
: Okay, stop now. Open your eyes. Ari Gold
: Fuck me! Jonah Gold
: Daddy! Ari Gold
: I'm sorry buddy I'm sorry, but holy sh... Mrs. Ari
: Like the great philosopher Sun Tzu said, "when you're done fucking your enemies, fuck 'em some more"!
: I was involved in some illegal street racing. Lloyd
: Ohh, sexy. Ari Gold
: With Adam Davies. Lloyd
: Eww, gross. Ari Gold
: Yeah, and I lost so I have to give him a hundred bucks. Lloyd
: Oh, fuck Adam Davies. I'd like to see him come here and try and collect. Ari Gold
: Well, my confidence grows tenfold knowing that you have my back, Lloyd, but I don't welch. So, here is a hundred dollars; please put it in a brown paper bag along with a nice big pile of shit, and send it over there. Lloyd
: Excuse me... Ari Gold
: Human shit, Lloyd. Right now. Lloyd
: That is really disgusting, Arl. Ari Gold
: No, really disgusting is going to be the American Psycho-style dismemberment I am going to perform on you if you don't do that right fucking now.
[after Adam Davies posted nude photos of Mrs. Ari online
] Ari Gold
: A game's a game, but that is the mother of my children, so apologize or I will kick your ass in front of your entire deadbeat agency.
[smacks Davies in the face
] Ari Gold
: That is what we call a bitch slap - a bitch slap for a bitch. What do you say we go outside and finish it off, huh? Adam Davies
: You are going down for this, Ari. Ari Gold
: I don't really care. Now, you apologize for what you did, or I'm going to knock you the fuck out. Right here, and right now.
] Ari Gold
: I am going to count to three. One... Adam Davies
] I apologize. Ari Gold
: I can't hear you. Adam Davies
: I said... I'm sorry. Ari Gold
: ...Nice seeing everybody again!
[walks out proudly
: DO I LOOK HAPPY?
: [answers phone
] Dana Gordon! Dana Gordon
: Ari, I love you and I swear I will rub your cock like it's 1990. Ari Gold
: Whoa whoa whoa, Dana you're on speaker. I got Vince and E here. Dana Gordon
: Jesus Christ. Vincent Chase
, Eric Murphy
: Hi, Dana. Ari Gold
: We all wanted to be in the room to celebrate together. Vincent Chase
: Celebrate what? Ari Gold
: Boys, you are talking to the new head of the studio. Madam President, what's your first order of business? Dana Gordon
: 'Smokejumpers', Vince. You're in. Vincent Chase
: You're kidding me. Ari Gold
: And she's gonna pay you your quote. Dana Gordon
: It's the second lead. Ari Gold
: You're gonna pay him his quote or Vincent Chase is going to announce on TMZ that the new head of the studio calls agencies and offers up handjobs. Dana Gordon
: Alright, enough, Ari. Vince, I will take good care of you. Vincent Chase
: Thank you! Eric Murphy
: Thank you, Dana! Ari Gold
: I love you, Dana. Dana Gordon
: I love you too, and for real this time. Ari Gold
: I'll call you later about that tug.
: You know, Ari, now that things are back on track, can we talk about my promotion? Ari Gold
: You know what, Lloyd, I wanna learn Chinese first so I can give it to you in your native tongue.
: I am not making deals with you. Ari Gold
: Then unfortunately I'm gonna have to stand in your way. Amanda Daniels
: If you wanted this job you would've taken it but we both know you won't cause you'll miss your little clients too much. Ari Gold
: And we both know that you've already fucked all of yours, so maybe you can move on to bigger and better. Amanda Daniels
: Look, you're gonna have to find another way to bring your once-upon-a-time movie star client back from the dead. Ari Gold
: Not bitter, huh? Amanda Daniels
: Fuck you, Ari. You can kiss your relationship with that studio goodbye. Ari Gold
: No, *you* can kiss your motherfucking dream job goodbye 'cause you're right, I didn't want this job, but now I'm gonna take it just to spite you!
: Besides the fact the L.A. Times compared me to Terrell Owens, I'm doing great. Eric Murphy
: You hear that, Ari? Ari Gold
: The Eagles got rid of T.O. and look where they landed. Aquaman 2 is going to make Speed 2 look like Citizen Fucking Kane.
: Aquaman 2 is gonna make Speed 2 look like Citizen fucking Kane.
: I get hard thinking about the fact that you actually like me E.
: Ah... the girls from Wisteria Lane. Which one of you is hiding a large black man in your basement?
: [regarding Ari's job offer
] I wanna be under you. Ari Gold
: I told you, Dana, my wife's in the car!
: How was the funeral, Ari? Ari Gold
: It was delightful, are you kidding? Alan hasn't looked that good in years.
: Are you hiding something from me, Ari? Ari Gold
: Only my cock and my asshole, Lloyd.
: [on the phone to Lloyd
] Hey Lloyd, can you come to where I am right now? How long has it been since I last saw you?
: [on the phone to Lloyd
] My hands are huge!
: [on the phone
] I was trying to sleep actually. Mrs. Ari
: I'm surprised you can with 25 naked men running around our pool. Ari Gold
: [to Vince
] Shit. I don't know who's more dead - me or fucking Lloyd.
: I got Dana Gordon's assistant on the phone Ari Gold
: What the fuck are you wearing? Lloyd
: I'm trying out new looks... this one's my Andre3000... you like? Ari Gold
: No I don't, you look like Michelle Kwan in drag. Why don't you do a triple fuckin axle over to the phone and try Cameron again?
: [Dana Gordon has not returned Ari's calls
] I want you to pass this message along to Dana. Tell her that I still have the pictures from Cancun. Tell her that I'm going to start a website. I'm going to take a full page ad out in the L.A. Times advertising it. Tell her it will be called I'm-a-hollywood-executive-whore dot com, and that no password or fee will be required. Tell her I want a fucking call back!
: [talking to Lloyd over the phone
] I don't care if he's in the Arctic shelf. Get James Cameron on the phone, get Dana Gordon on the phone, tell her assistant that if she does not call me back, I'll fuck her worse than I did in Cabo in '92. Lloyd
: Do you really want me to say that? Ari Gold
: Improvise, Lloyd. I'll be there in 90 seconds, find out who covers Warners. If all of this isn't take care of, I'll choke you out with a strap-on!
: Tradition... when we were kids, we'd hit A.C., we put 5 bucks on red. We win, we knew it'd be a good weekend. Ari Gold
: What if you lose? Turtle
: Vince never loses. Vincent Chase
: Five on red. Turtle
: Come on! Roulette Dealer
: Red 16. Vincent Chase
: It's gonna be a good weekend.
: [about E's jealousy
] Face it, E, you're like Eric Roberts in Star 80.
] What d'ya got, what d'ya got? C'mon c'mon, show me a little love, little love, little love, what d'ya say... FUCK!... Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
: Hey Lloyd, get in here. I want to make out with you. Lloyd
: Cole! Where the fuck is Peter Cole's office? Right here?
[Ari storms into the room
] Ari Gold
: James Cameron is directing "Aquaman"? Man
: That's great! That's awesome! Ari Gold
: That's "awesome", huh? You didn't think to bring it up in the fucking staff meeting? An e-mail? A yellow fucking sticky something? Man
: I didn't know I was supposed to know that kind of stuff. Ari Gold
: Well, what is it you're supposed to know, do you think? Huh? What the fuck do we pay you for? To get your agency card laminated so you can go to Shelter and try to fuck Mischa Barton? Man
] I didn't... I didn't think... I... I didn't... Ari Gold
: Let me tell you something. You don't have to say anything. You know why? Cause you pick up all your stuff...
[sweeps everything off the desk onto the floor
] Ari Gold
: ...because you're motherfucking fired!
[Ari storms out
] CAA Assistant
: What happened? Man
: I don't know. I was... I was dropping off Peter's mail and then Mr. Gold fired me. My life is over!
: [at couples therapy
] I ask for one hour out of day for his undevided attention, and I can't even have that. Ari Gold
: You can have it if you want to live in Agoura fucking Hills and go to group therapy, but if you want a Beverly Hills mansion and you want a country club membership and you want nine weeks a year in a Tuscan villa, then I'm gonna need to take a call when it comes in at noon on a motherfucking Wednesday!
: You all have one goal today: to get Vincent Chase's brother, Johnny Chase, a job. Any job. I don't care if it's a porn shoot in which he is being gang-raped by a gaggle of silverback apes - if there are cameras rolling, everyone wins.
: It's too late for sorries. Vince is out, Jake Gyllenhaal is in. Brokeback motherfucking Aquaman. Take that, bitch!
: Tell Drama he's on my to-do list right after inserting needles in my cock.
: I gotta know what you think, so I can get you to think what I think.
: They drive that way in Tiananmen Square, bitch?
: It's Die Hard at Disneyland, what's not to love?
: [about reprising her role on Young and the Restless
] Tell me that I will be pretty, as pretty as the day I left the show. Ari Gold
: Well, you left the show when you were 25 and now they shoot everything in hi-def.
: It's a soap opera. There is no good, there are just degrees of bad.
: Is that smirk for me or are your Ben Wa balls shifty?
: Ari, please tell these boys how much money I have. Ari
: Too much, but what you don't have is distribution. Yair Marx
: Ah, I do now. I'm announcing it tomorrow. I'm sinking 100 mil into a new outlet. I hired the head of Pixar marketing. You know, the girl who did Nemo. I love that fish. I'm very real. I want Medellin to be my first real acquisition.
[Yuri's man gives out boxes containing gold watches
] Vincent Chase
: What's this? Yair Marx
: Party favors. Ari Gold
: Where's mine? Yair Marx
: You take ten percent of Vince's.
: [about E
] The guy's about as positive as Mother Teresa's AIDS test.
: I'm gonna skull-fuck you, Davies!
: What do you mean he's not coming back? Eric Murphy
: You want me to say it in Spanish?
: Jeter and A-Rod let their dicks fly in the same locker room and they fuckin hate each other!
: [calling Eric in his office
] Like the new office number, E. You know it spells 274-cock?
: Smoke more weed, Turtle. Seriously, smoke more weed.
: Vince is my client. I took him from nothing, alright? And now he is on the cusp. I ain't sharing him. Terrance McQuewick
: You know, when I started this company in 1971 my mantra was "every client should be represented by every agent in the building." And yes all right, technically, he is your client. But this is my agency. Ari Gold
: And I'm a fucking partner. Terrance McQuewick
: Well, I've had more than a few partners. Not all of them have lasted.
: Door number two is a list. Vincent Chase
: What list? Ari Gold
: James Cameron's list for Aquagirl. Five of the hottest actresses on the planet, one of which, you will be stuck with in a water tank for nine months. Even if you looked like our skim milk-colored friend E here, you still have a good chance of swimming in-between her legs.
: [Ari picks up the phone
] You got Gold.
: You are a gut maggot without guts. Ari Gold
: Geez, you're gonna spin off this planet. That's great! Keep it up!
: Does your boss know your using his house for a party? Cause I just put a call into him. Yeah, we went to school together. I helped cheat on his economics final or he wouldn't have graduated so he owes me big-time. Ari Gold
: You know another class I took at Harvard? Business Ethics. I don't steal other people's mother fucking clients, but in your case I'm going to make an exception. I'm going to take everyone; your B-level sitcom stars, your reality-TV writers, when I'm done with you, you're gonna be repping sideshow freaks. You need Jo-Jo the Dog-Face-Bitch-Boy? Call Josh Weinfuck, the lightweight pen-stealing fuckface. Ari Gold
: [tastes Josh's drink and pours it out
] That's awful.
: I'm just doing good business. Ari Gold
: That's weird cause it feels like you're taking a steel catheter and shoving it right up my cock!
: The script has been changed more times than Andy Dick's vibrator.
: [in bed
] What time is it? Ari Gold
: I don't know, my cock doesn't wear a watch.
: I want you to keep an eye on Andrew Klein. Lloyd Lee
: Keep my eyes on him how? Ari Gold
: Pretend he's Zac Efron's ballsack.
: [waking up at 5:30 to dial Ari
] Enjoy this, motherfucker. Ari's Wife
: [hearing Ari's phone ring
] Who died? Ari Gold
: No one yet.
] Ari Gold
: What? Eric
: It looks like I woke you up this time, Ari. Ari Gold
: No, but you did wake my wife and kids, dickhead. Vinnie better be sitting in prison with a DUI or something, is he? Eric
: No... Ari Gold
: Then what the fuck do you want, cunt muscle?
: Hey, hey, boys are looking sharp. Johnny "Drama" Chase
: Uh hey, thanks, Ari. Ari Gold
: Actually, I meant the other boys.
: Baby. Mrs. Ari
: Yeah? Ari Gold
: I woke up with wood. Mrs. Ari
: And why is that my problem?
: I'm sorry you feel that way, Ari. Ari Gold
: You're sorry, Lloyd? You have no idea how sorry you're going to be! I am going to destroy you. I am going to erode every fiber of your spirit! You no longer exist. You are dead to me, and the town will know that anyone meeting with you, speaking with you, or even nodding to you on the street will be dead as well! So die, Lloyd. DIE DIE DIE! And when you're gagging on Davies' balls, I want you to bite down so he can die too!
: The land down under. We're gonna get drunk with Russell Crowe and head-butt some god damn kangaroos.
: We all loved you in The Station Agent, Peter. Peter Dinklage
: Fuckin' hope so. That's why I signed on with you people. Ari Gold
: Well if you woulda signed on earlier, we coulda slipped you into Bad Santa. Peter Dinklage
: Actually, I passed on that. Though, thank you. Ari Gold
: You're on of the biggest actors in this town Peter. Peter Dinklage
: What is that, a play on words or something dickhead? I tolerate agents, I don't like them. Harvey Weingard
: PETER! Don't listen to a word this bum says. Peter Dinklage
: Fuck off, Harvey. Ari Gold
: Whoa. He's an angry little fucker, isn't he?
: Save your homo-erotic slave-labour for me, Lloyd. And E, don't take your shirt off, I don't want anyone to go blind from the reflection of your translusive boy-chest.
: Fuck You! Lloyd
: Fuck You! Sorry Ari, that was a reflex.
: [about Eric
] Guy doesn't wanna make money. He's a communist.
] Ari Gold
: You a communist? Or you a socialist? Or didn't they teach you the difference at Pepperoni U?
: My agent isn't here. Ari Gold
: I know she's not here because I slashed her tires. She's on her hands and knees right now on Mulholland. She's not going to make it because you want a statue, you deserve a statue - you do, you deserve it. Because your natural energy; the way you are hasn't been seen yet. Someone needs to step up and utilize you for the way you are, your self-empowered, interesting woman, and you need to take it. And not an MTV Award, but like a real one.
: No you won't... because you're fucked. Do you even know how fucked you are? I mean you are so fucking fucked. I mean I think you are the most fucked person I know.
: How'd it go? Ari Gold
: How'd the fucking Bay of Pigs go, Lloyd?
: Hi Mr. Gold, I'm Jake Steinberg. HR sent me up to replace your last assistant. Ari Gold
: I don't care. Get me Eddie Kapowski on the phone. Jake Steinberg
: Any relation to Kelly Kapowski? You know, "Saved by the Bell"? Ari Gold
: You're finished. Go. You're fucking fired.
: I'd kill my wife before I got a divorce!
: [walking into the conference room to see Rob reading letters off the board due to his successful eye surgery
] Great work, Rob. Great work. See if you can read this:
[writing 'Get the fuck out!' on dry-erase board
] Ari Gold
: You're fired, and just in case your ears are fucked: Get. The Fuck. Out! And the next person I see juggling, tap dancing, or baton twirling or doing any other circus-like tricks, will join him, all right? One-strike policy applies. Now get back to work. God damn that felt good.
: That's right, you had your little eye procedure today. Rob Rubino
: It's actually not a procedure, it was real surgery. They actually had to cut into my eyeball and then they lift the cornea. Ari Gold
: It's still elective though, right?
: I'm gonna have a party at my house at the beach tonight if you guys wanna come by... Vince
: Yeah, of course! Jaime Pressly
] Jaime Pressly
: And you're kind of invited, too. Ari Gold
: Thank you, you know I'd love to show up but it's actually anal sex night at the Gold house, so... But thank you for the invite, I'm gonna go home and punish my wife.
: Down in front! Sit down! Ari Gold
: I paid two grand for these seats! I'll get out there and launch a three if I want.
: [about Alan
] He's dead, Eric. The joy of me losing was too much for his angry little heart.
: [on the phone
] Did you get the Billy Walsh script? Eric Murphy
: Lloyd, I can't hear you. Lloyd
: DID. YOU. GET. THE. BILLY. WALSH. SCRIPT? Ari Gold
: SHUT THE FUCK UP, LLOYD!
: I parted the Red Sea for you, E, now don't piss on the sand.
: [to Turtle
] Hey, moron. He's thirteen. Johnny Drama
: In celeb years it's like 30. Eric
: So what does that make you, Drama. Like 140? Johnny Drama
: So, you're admitting I'm a celeb.
: That is the beauty of Yom Kippur. As long as you apologize by sundown, it doesn't matter what you do!
: [to Amanda Daniels
] I have never hit a woman in my entire life, but I swear to God, in my mind right now I am pummeling your smug face to a pulp for everything you did to me, my career, and my family. But not to worry, all right; I will prevail because I'm a winner and you're a whore with more cleavage than talent, and *I* will not stop until I destroy you! Manager
: Mr. Gold, I have to insist that you leave. Ari Gold
: Excellent choice because I have a life to destroy.
: You'll always be the gay son I never wanted, Lloyd.
: Once you're an addict, you're always an addict. Ari Gold
: [about a script Ari slept on
] Now it's Ed Norton's home run, ya jerkoff. Ari Gold
: Well, did they sell the script, ya cunt face? Eric Murphy
: Not yet, dickhead! Ari Gold
: Well then it's still free, ya overpaid undersized bitch! Eric Murphy
: You wanna go, Ari? Seriously, let's just go right here, cause you know what? You've never been hit in the face with anything besides a cock and you know it!
: I don't wanna talk to anybody, was I not clear? Nobody! I don't care if Justin Bieber calls and wants to negotiate the rights to his virginity, I don't wanna talk to him!
: Oh, didn't you hear? Andrew just signed another showrunner. Barbara Miller
: Oh, I did. Very impressive. Ari Gold
: So you owe me either an apology or a blowjob. Your choice. Barbara Miller
: Oh okay, Ari, I apologize, but I think Andrew should blow you. Ari Gold
: You said Andrew was a deadbeat; the only one sucking is you.
: [to Lizzie Grant
] You so much as eye-fuck another agent in this building, I will deport you naked to the Taliban!
: One bad movie can be overcome. Look at Colin Ferrell - he's overcome dozens of them cause the perception of him is he's a movie star. Vincent Chase
: What's the perception of me? Ari Gold
: That you don't give a fuck.
: Why would I buy a black cock?
: [to Bobby Flay
] Yo, grill master! Are you in my fucking house? I got a new show for you - it's called Boy Meets Husband Who Kills Him!
: He'll be back, hack. Amanda
: Do you want me to walk you to your car? This town isn't safe for a bitch!
: [Mrs Ari has caught Ari trying to slip away from the house
] Where are you going, Ari? Ari Gold
: I have a meeting. Ari's Wife
: At the Playboy Mansion?
[looks at pajamas sticking out of Ari's slacks
] Ari Gold
: Playboy Mansion, whorehouses, strip clubs, that's where the meetings are. It's my fucking job. Ari's Wife
: I want three weeks in the south of France with the children. Ari Gold
: Oh my God baby,
] Ari Gold
: of course you can go. Ari's Wife
: With you. And if you're not home by 2AM, I'm gonna be standing at the gate screaming 'Ari Gold, super agent, forgot his Viagra.' Ari Gold
: It's all good.
: Remember me? Ari Gold
: One never forgets their first love, E.
: [after his Viagra has kicked in, to his angry wife
] I'm ready to go here, alright? It's like R. Kelly at recess.
: [referring to Medellin
] He and I kinda have differing views on the movie. Ari Gold
: Differing how? Eric Murphy
: Well, he likes it. Ari Gold
: He likes it? Vince likes the movie. Then why the fuck are you here? Eric Murphy
: Because he's wrong! Look, I don't know if he's brainwashed or he's scared to not back his director, I don't know but he's wrong. Ari Gold
: Did you talk to him about this? Eric Murphy
: I spoke to him. He hung up on me. Ari Gold
: He hung up on you. Well I'm hanging up on you in person. Let me explain something to you, I have two philosophies: A. My client is always right, and B. His manager is always an overpaid, useless pain in the ass. Eric Murphy
: Yeah, my two philosophies are, one, you're a dick, and two, when you realize I'm right you're gonna know you're a dick.
: Andrew, you have been given a once in a lifetime opportunity to take your lifestyle and your career to the next level. You throw it away on some 22 year old, you're gonna be left with nothing but herpes! Andrew Klein
: She's 26! Ari Gold
: Oh, *Jesus* Christ!
[Andrew is in his pajamas passed out on Ari's office couch
] Ari Gold
: WAKE UP! Andrew Klein
: Agh! What time is it? Ari Gold
: It's time for you to wake up and tell me why you think this is a Holiday Inn.
: [about being Vince's manager
] You know what, I don't even have health insurance. Ari Gold
: Yeah, but I bet you had it over at Quiznos. Eric
: Sbarro's. And I had a business card. Ari Gold
: There you go.
: [about Scott's honeymoon with Laurie
] I'm sure wherever you go with this little hottie will be more than amazing. Fuck, it'll be orgasmic! I mean, I'm sorry I don't mean to be rude, but ever since you got here I have not been able to take my eyes off your ass - I mean, it is... it's the perfect shape! It's like God came down, handcrafted it, put it on a little silver tray, and hand delivered it to my man Scotty! Bravo, Scotty boy! Bravo! I'm gonna get some scotch!
: I'm just saying be discreet... No hand-holding at the Grove. No canoodling on Melrose. Vincent Chase
: Canoodling? Shauna
: No finger-banging her courtside at the Lakers game...