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Quotes for
Pee Wee (Character)
from Porky's (1982)

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Porky's (1982)
Pee Wee Morris: GOD DAMN IT! WILL YOU MOVE IT, YOU LARD ASS?

Pee Wee Morris: All I need is a watermelon and two jelly donuts!
Billy: That's it. I am not taking a shower with you.
[Billy and the other guys get up and leave]
Pee Wee Morris: Religious fanatics.

Pee Wee Morris: [to Tommy, about the normal-sized condom he was given] It's too big.
[Everybody else laughs]
Tommy Turner: Peewee, we don't have any training rubbers.
Mickey: He needs the junior size.
Brian Schwartz: [Seriously] Peewee, tie a knot in it.
Meat: [as Peewee is given another condom and he returns to the bus] Hey Peewee, what do you think this is? The return desk at Macys?

Pee Wee Morris: Yeah, that's just how I like 'em!
Mickey: You like 'em as long as they ain't dead.
Pee Wee Morris: I don't care if they're dead as long as they ain't too cold.

Billy: Cherry, this is Pee Wee.
Cherry Forever: I'll say. What do you use for a jockstrap, kid? A peanut shell and a rubber band?
[laughter from the other guys]
Cherry Forever: [to Billy] You know we'd better tie a board across his ass, or he's liable to fall in.
[more laughter in background]
Cherry Forever: [to Pee Wee] Save your energy, needle dick. You're gonna need it.
Pee Wee Morris: [giggling] OK.

Tommy Turner: [to the rest of the guys at Cherry Forever's house] Okay, Cherry's ready. Everyone get their clothes off.
Tim: Wait. What's this bullshit?
Billy: She's got to make sure everybody clean. No VD.
Steve: How's she going to tell that by looking at us?
Tommy Turner: She's done this so many times, she's practically a doctor.
Tim: Yeah, and who's going to inspect her?
[murmurs of agreement from the rest of the guys]
Billy: Look, you guys want to get laid or have a debate?
Pee Wee Morris: Okay, I'm ready!
[they turn to see Pee-Wee wasted no time stripping down, then laughter of all kinds go through the crowd, which Pee-Wee ignores]
Pee Wee Morris: I'm gonna get laid. Yes, Virginia. There is a Santa Claus.

Sheriff Wallace: [Sheriff Wallace, Porky's brother, arrives with his storm troopers to catch Mickey, Tommy, Meat, Tim and Pee Wee in the act] Hold it! Hold it!
[the Sheriff sees Pee Wee crawling]
Sheriff Wallace: Ya better fuckin' freeze, mister! What's goin' on here, Pork?
Porky: I was givin' the old place an enema and this pile of shit come floatin' up to the surface.
Pee Wee Morris: Hey!
Sheriff Wallace: [to Pee Wee] Shut up, boy! You just shut up.

Wendy: [answering the phone behind the counter at the roadside diner] Deadbeats.
Pee Wee Morris: [into pay phone, disguising his voice] Hello. Hi. I'm lookin' for a friend of mine. He's s'posed to be there.
Wendy: Uh, what's his name?
Pee Wee Morris: His name's Michael Hunt... uh Mike, Mike. Yes, Mike.
Wendy: Mike Hunt? Okay, just hang on a minute.
[raising her voice to address the patrons]
Wendy: Is Mike Hunt here?
[Pee Wee laughs]
Wendy: Is Mike Hunt here?
[several patrons begin to snicker]
Wendy: Has anybody seen Mike Hunt?
[patrons begin to cackle uncontrollably]
Meat: Practically everybody in town, from what I hear.

Billy: All right. Now remember, any sign of guns and we're gone, okay?
[Porky, with a couple of bouncers, storms out the strip joint holding a bat]
Pee Wee Morris: Yo, Billy.
Porky: Where are these five little virgins who think they reached manhood? You wanna tangle ass with me? Come up here, you sawed-off punk! I'll educate ya! I'll wrap this right around your damn neck! Come on, move it!
Billy: [taunts Porky] Boy, boy, Porky. You know, we're really scared. I guess we better go now.
Porky: You better be. Go on, get your ass on home!
Billy: I hope shit floats!
Porky: You'll float if I ever catch you around here again, you little shit!

[the gang are at the Deadbeats drive-in restaurant getting their food and drinks]
Billy: The worst thing is you guys are out a hundred bucks.
Tommy Turner: This is just the kind of thing you write off.
Pee Wee Morris: [hands Tommy the receipt] Here you go.
Tommy Turner: Again?
Pee Wee Morris: I got it last time.
Tommy Turner: [pays the waitress] Great. Mick, I'm telling ya, they're bad mothers.
Mickey: I'm going back to get that pig.
Meat: Yeah right, Mick.
Mickey: [throws his hamburger in a fit] Yeah, Meat!

Sheriff Wallace: Well, it looks like to me we got five Angel Beach assholes here. Yes, sir. Five walkin' talin' rectums.
[Sheriff chuckles; to Mickey]
Sheriff Wallace: Where's your car, boy?
Mickey: [points to his Chevy pick-up truck] Right there.
Sheriff Wallace: You from Seward County?
Mickey: Yeah.
Sheriff Wallace: Well, I don't know much about the laws in Seward County, but we got laws here about driving with busted headlights.
Mickey: I don't have a busted headlight.
Sheriff Wallace: Don't have a busted headlight?
[the Sheriff smashes the right-side headlight of Mickey's truck; Porky and his goons laughs]
Mickey: [shocked] Shit!
Sheriff Wallace: That's a $35.00 fine. Thirty-five bucks or a night in jail!
Tommy Turner: I've got fifteen bucks.
Pee Wee Morris: I've got-I've got five.
Sheriff Wallace: You got five, you got fifteen, huh?
Meat: I've got twelve.
Tim: I think I got three.
Porky: [to his goons] Watch this.
[the Sheriff then smashes the rear right-side taillight]
Mickey: [grows angry] Goddamn it!
[Porky and his goons laughing]
Sheriff Wallace: You got a busted taillight, too. That's 20 more dollars. Can you cover it?
Mickey: I've got ten.
Sheriff Wallace: Give it to me! Give me all you got.
[the Sheriff starts collecting the boys money, but stops midway]
Sheriff Wallace: Well, I guess I can show a little leniency for first offenders. Whadaya say, Pork? Should I give these nice lads a break?
Porky: Oh, they seem like a nice bunch of clean-cut Angel Beach pussies. A little smelly. Yeah, give 'em a break.
Sheriff Wallace: You heard the man. You get your candy-asses back over to Seward County and you keep 'em there. This here's a "man's" county. Go on, get the fuck out. Go on. Come on!
[the boys pile up in Mickey's truck]
Sheriff Wallace: Go on. Here we go! Here we go! Go on home now.
Porky: [to his goons] I don't think they'll be comin' back.


Porky's II: The Next Day (1983)
Pee Wee: [to Commissioned Gebhart before taking his picture] Say "I'm Ruined!"

Wendy: Pee Wee it's not that bad, just tell the guys that you called up all the girls in your harem and none of them wanted to do it with all those jerks.
Pee Wee: I bet you would.
Wendy: I don't have a harem.
Pee Wee: That's not what I heard.

Wendy: Do you know how I got my reputation?
Pee Wee: How?
Wendy: In the 8th grade, I didn't know anything. A bunch of guys wanted to get me to go skinny dipping, I didn't want to but I didn't care if they did so I just watched. I thought it was funny, flopping around...the next day I was a slut, the original mattress-back.

Pee Wee: [first lines; after recap of previous movie] I GOT LAID!

Mickey: Hey Pee Wee, how's it feel?
Pee Wee: How does what feel?
Mickey: Getting laid.
Pee Wee: Same as it always feels.
Mickey: I don't believe it.
Tommy: Never again.
Pee Wee: What are you guys talking about, I got bodies laid all over South Florida.
Mickey: Morris, the last time you got any action, it was your fist. The old rosy palm.
Pee Wee: You guys are just jealous because I ruined Wendy for everybody else.
Pee Wee: [after the guys laugh] Now that she's had me, what's left?
Mickey: Yeah well, that's not what she told me, Pee Wee.
Pee Wee: Well, what did she tell you?
Tommy: Ask her, Pee Wee, here she comes.
Billy: Yeah, I can hear her panting from here.
Pee Wee: Look man, when they've been had by Pee Wee Morris, they stay had. I mean, they can't keep their hands off me. You guys better watch out because when she sees me you're likely to get caught in the stampede. Watch this.
Wendy: [walks by passively] Hi, boys.
Mickey: [after the guys laugh at Pee Wee] She's in a frenzy, Pee Wee.
Tommy: Yeah, she's rabid.
Pee Wee: She didn't see me. She didn't know I was here.
Tommy: That's what she said about you on the bus.
Pee Wee: Oh man, the girl's my slave.


Porky's 3: Revenge (1985)
[at graduation]
Pee Wee Morris: Inga? Do you still have your dress on?
Inga: It's American custom, you know.
Tommy, Meat, Billy, Brian and Wendy (together): Ja! Ja! Ja!
Inga: I love America.
[she unzips her gown and shows pee wee her breasts]
Inga: Ja, ja, ja.