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Quotes for
Joe Reaves (Character)
from Empire Records (1995)

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Empire Records (1995)
Lucas: Mitchell's the man Joe.
Joe: And the man calls all the shots.
Lucas: Damn the man.
Joe: Let me explain it to you. Mitchell's the man. I'm the idiot. You're the screw-up. And we're all losers. Welcome to music town.

A.J.: Joe, I need to ask your advice. Now I know you know a lot about love and women and all that sort of thing...
Joe: Oh yeah, my wife left me for another woman and my girlfriend forced me to leave at gunpoint. Does this qualify me?
A.J.: Oh yeah, definitely.

[after Joe beats Lucas up in his office]
Joe: Here.
[hands Lucas a washcloth]
Joe: You deserved that, you know that.
Lucas: Yeah, I know it.

Joe: I want you to take these
Joe: , hold 'em against your chest, stand against the wall, and they're gonna take a photograph of you.
Warren: Why don't you go shove 'em up your ass?
Lucas: ...Because it would hurt a lot, Warren.

Mitch: Why do I get the feeling that I'm being royally screwed?
Joe: Because you are, Mitch.

Lucas: Joe, I think it's gonna be okay.
Joe: What makes you think that?
Lucas: Who knows where thoughts come from? They just appear.

Joe: [after Lucas enters] Lucas!
Lucas: Joe!
Joe: Where's the money?
Lucas: Joe, the money is gone.
Joe: Yeah, I know it's gone... but where's it gone to?
Lucas: Atlantic City.
Joe: Atlantic City?... Is it coming back from Atlantic City?
Lucas: [nervous laugh] Oh, I don't think so, Joe.
Joe: What's it doing in Atlantic City, Lucas?
Lucas: ...Recirculating.
Joe: Recirculating?
Lucas: Yeah.
[Joe knocks the donation cup that Lucas was carrying out of his hands and grabs his arm]
Joe: Lucas, listen to me. I told Mitchell Beck that you forgot to deposit the money. I told Mitchell that the money was still here.
Lucas: Joe, that's not true. It's in Atlantic City... I swear.
Joe: Shut up, sit down, and don't you move.
Lucas: [sitting down] It could be in other cities by now...
Joe: Oh, shut up! Under no circumstances do I want you to leave that couch... unless it's to get me $9000, and then you bring it here to me, okay?
Lucas: Okay. You know, I think things are gonna be all right now, Joe.
Joe: Oh? And what makes you think that.
Lucas: Who knows where thoughts come from? They just appear.
Lucas: Mmhmm!
Joe: ...What a moron.

Joe: Deb, what are you doing?
Debra: I just wanted to have a little chat with Warren.
Warren: Oh yeah? Well have a little chat with my gun.
Debra: [into the barrel of Warren's gun] What do you want Warren?
Debra: Well you can't kill me 'cause I'm already dead. And I talked to God, and she says, "Yo, wassup?" and she wants you to lose the gun.
Warren: What? You are psycho. You're a psycho.

[Joe is talking to the police about Warren]
Joe: [to Warren] How old are you?
Warren: Old enough to kick your butt through your skull and splatter your brains on the wall.
Joe: [to the cops on the phone] Yeah, he's a juvenile.

Joe: Could you please not sing, Mark.
Mark: You know what Joe? One of these days, I'm gonna show you little people.
Joe: Yeah, well on that day I'm gonna jump outta my wheelchair and do a dance.
Mark: How 'bout today, huh? Rex Manning day.

Jane: What are you doing later?
Joe: I don't know. I'm either going to jail or hell I can't decide.

A.J.: know, I got to tell her that I, uh, well, you know, that I uh...
Joe: love her.
A.J.: Yeah, now how do I do that?
Joe: You say I love you. What do you want, written instructions?

A.J.: Hey Joe, I wanna tell Corey how I feel about her, and I thought you'd be the perfect guy for the job...
Joe: Oh, yeah. My wife left me for a woman and my girlfriend forced me to leave on gunpoint. Does this qualify me?
A.J.: Yeah, absolutely.

Joe: Gina, you'd better go home.
Gina: Am I fired?
Joe: Have I fired anyone today? No. Why would I start with you?

Corey: Joe, you're the best boss in the world. Can I bring Rex his lunch?
Joe: Berko's taking him his lunch.
Corey: Um Joe, you know that Berko's gonna insult him to his face I don't think that's such a good idea.
Joe: I don't care if Berko sticks an M-80 up his butt and lights it. In fact, I hope he sticks one up mine, it might be an improvement.
Corey: Joe, I have to bring Rex his lunch.
Joe: Berko is.
Corey: Joe, I need to bring him his lunch.
Joe: Berko is.
Corey: [screams] I'M BRINGING REX HIS LUNCH!
Joe: ...alright.