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: What was Barbra Streisand's eighth album? Howard
: Color Me Barbra. Peter
: Stud! Howard
: Everybody knows that! Peter
: Everybody where? The little gay bar on the prairie?
: Does anybody here know how many times I had to watch Funny Lady? Howard
: It was a sequel. She was under contract. Emily
: Fuck Barbra Streisand, and you!
[while listening to the "How to be a man" tape
] Voice on tape
: Now, repeat after me: "Yo!" Howard Brackett
: Yo! Voice on tape
: Hot damn! Howard Brackett
: Hot damn! Voice on tape
: What a fabulous window treatment! Howard Brackett
: What a fabu... Voice on tape
: That was a trick!
: I may sue! Howard's dad
: Get Johnny Cochrane, not that woman!
: This is my Peter - uh, my *friend* Peter. We just met at the, uh, intersexual... homosection... INTERSECTION!
: [at confession, about "a friend"
] He's just never had a physical relationship with her. Father Tim
: Never? In three years? Howard
: He respects her. Father Tim
: He's gay!
: Are you really gay? Howard
: Hmm Hmm Emily
: Was there oh, ANY OTHER TIME YOU MIGHT'VE TOLD ME THIS? I'm wearing a wedding dress, WHICH YOU PICKED OUT!
: [entering his classroom, flustered
] Class: so, uh, where were we? Romantic poetry. Shakespeare. Talented. English. Dead.
: He may be under the influence of something. He may have joined a cult! Howard's dad
: That little zombie.
: Look, everyone wants to talk to Diane Sawyer or Joan London, and my network's killing me. They want me blond! Howard
: With your coloring?
: One day I just clicked. I said: "Mom, dad, Sparky, I'm gay." Howard Brackett
: So what happened? Peter Malloy
: My mom cried, for exactly 10 seconds, my boss said: "Who cares?", and my dad said: "But you're so tall...!".
: I just came out! At my wedding!
] Father Tim
: Are you Catholic? Howard
: I have a friend who is... and he's very busy.
: I'm a horrible person. You have every right to hate me. You should hate me. I want you to hate me! I insist that you hate me! I'm scum, I'm garbage, I'm vermin, an-an-and I'm sorry.
: Tom, do I look like a homosexual? Tom Halliwell
: Would you walk for me?
: I'm gay, I came out. Howard Brackett
: To whom? Peter
: Who? To everyone. My folks, my boss... my dog.
: Here, I'll give you your headline! Howard Brackett is a big homo-queer-merry-sissy man. He just came out at his big church wedding. Martha Stewart is fourious!