Rainbow Randolph
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Quotes for
Rainbow Randolph (Character)
from Death to Smoochy (2002)

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Death to Smoochy (2002)
Randolph: You want your little booger eater on my show?
Wife: Yes, very much.
Randolph: Then don't tell me how to run my fucking business.

Randolph: I loathe you!
[kicks the TV onto the floor]
Randolph: Bastard Son of Barney!
[Pulls the shade off a lamp and starts smashing it with the stand]
Randolph: Die! Die, you stuffed son of fluff! You illegitimate Teletubby! Die, you Muppet from hell!
Randolph: [Angelo enters] Die, you foam motherfucker!
Randolph: Die! Die!
Angelo Pike: What are you doing? That's a picture in picture!
Randolph: ...it was an accident.

Randolph: First he takes my career, then my life, now my girl. The balls on that fuchsia fuck! I'm gonna tear him apart, piece by piece!

Randolph: Even when you're squeaky clean, you can still fall in the mud.

[Smoochy holds up a penis-shaped Cookie made by Randolph]
Randolph: What are you, blind? It's a cock! It's not a rocket, you sick fuck! It's a cock! Look. It's a cock and balls! A dick! Chorizo and the huevos! It's a big stiffy! It's a penis! Penis maximus! A willie! A weenie! Mr. Jiggle Daddy! The one-eyed wonder weasel! Don't you see that? It's Jimmy and the twins. Rumple Foreskin. He made this. It's made from dil-dough.

[Randolph mentions his long-ago affair with Nora]
Nora: That was a long time ago. I was young and stupid.
Randolph: And limber.

Randolph: You better grow eyes in the back of your head, you horned piece of shit, because I'm not gonna sleep until worms are crawling up your foam-rubber ass! I'm goin' on safari motherfucker! SAH-FAR-I!
[rhino noise]

Cop: Are you ok?
Randolph: I don't know. I'm kinda fucked up in general, so it's hard to gauge.
[He faints]

[to a baby, after framing Sheldon]
Randolph: Hello, little nipple-nibbler. The rhino's a Nazi!

Tommy: [Breaks open the door] Well, if it isn't Mr. Rainbow, how lovely to see you in the flesh... c'mere!
[Lifts Randolph up off the couch by his sweater and grabs him by the front of his neck]
Tommy: Now, you want to tell me about The Rhino?
Randolph: [strangulated] This is private property, you're fucking trespassing...
[Tommy throws him headfirst into the piano, with the ceramic pot falling off of it and breaking and he lands back first on the floor]
Tommy: Danny, go give Mr. Smiley a little back rub.
[Danny picks him up and holds him up by the back of his sweater]
Tommy: Start yakkin', friend!
Randolph: I don't know what you're talking about! I'm minding my own business here, you're violating my private sp...
[Danny throws him towards the opposite wall]
Randolph: AAAAAAACE!
[Hits the wall with his whole body and slides down, then Danny lifts him up over his head with both hands and smashes him through a table]
Randolph: All right, you spud sucking fucks! I'm suing your riverdance ass!
[with a mocking Irish Accent]
Randolph: I'm gonna send you all the way back hooome, huh?
Tommy: Roy, have you got the hammer?
Roy: Always got the hammer, Tommy.
[pulls out a chisel hammer]
Randolph: [Danny grabs holds him up by the collar] I did it! It was me! It was all me! Thank god we cleared up everything without further violence.
[brief pause, then cuts to Randolph's perspective as Danny punches him hard in the face and everything goes black]

Randolph: Do not start with your magician's tricks young Moses! I am pharaoh! And you are my slave. And this... is my kingdom!

Randolph: He's a pillow-biter, you know.
Sheldon: I wouldn't know anything about his sleeping disorders.

Randolph: Didn't she tell you of the love we once had. Passionate yet tender, old-fashioned yet experimental.
Sheldon: Randolph, you have lost your mind.
Randolph: Oh, enlighten the lad, Nora. You were such a hot little brood mare, does the bridle still fit?
Sheldon: Hey, watch your mouth mister!
Nora: What experiments? I've had firmer handshakes, ya drunk.
Randolph: Please, it's small but, it's fierce!

[repeated line]
Randolph: I'm Rainbow Fucking Randolph!

Nora: We know you didn't kill Spinner so just cool your jets.
Randolph: Oh, thank you, Mother Teresa, why don't you tell that to the angry mob outside? They want my fucking ass. I'm like a god damn toaster at Macy's; Rainbow's ass - aisle three.

Randolph: What about Wally the Whale?
Sheldon: Laura, how could you do it with Wally the Whale?
Randolph: There she blows!
Sheldon: I don't believe this is happening. I can't believe you didn't tell me about this.
Nora: Listen, Sheldon, I'm not proud of it but, there was a time in my life when I was a bit of a kiddie host groupie.

[talking to Sheldon in Rainbow's former apartment]
Randolph: Look what you've done to this place. It's all Diane Fosse. When I lived here, it was Bob Fosse. Right there, I had a big painting of a naked chick holding a little plant; very tasteful, no bush... not a picture of your fucking mother!

[Randolf is pinned by Sheldon]
Randolph: Nooo! You're to close to the fire - the flames are driving me maaaaaad!

Randolph: She's right, you've got to keep your dignity in tact -
[spills coffee]
Randolph: Oww! My balls - they're on fire!

Randolph: [giving Stokes the gift bag back] You know what to do with the hand lotion, you jerkoff.

Randolph: [being led through the angry press] My name isn't Wandolph! It's Randolph! Somebody touched my ass! Get away from me! Don't touch me!
[gets hit by an egg]
Randolph: I've been SHOT! I'm bleeding! Somebody touched my ass!

Reporter: How does it feel to be voted the most hated man in America, Randolph?
Randolph: In a country full of Neanderthals, I wear the fuckin' badge of honor.

[his theme song]
Randolph: Friends come in all sizes/ That's a fact, it's true/ All the colours of rainbow/ From mauve to blue/ The names are different/ The shoes don't match/ Some like to toss/ And others to catch/ One might say grasp while the other says snatch/ Because... friends come in all sizes/ Take it from me/ Golly gee/ Size doesn't matter/ When you want some friendly patter/ From a pal who is true/ And will lift you up when you're blue/ You can count on him/ He can count on you/ It's true/ It's true/ Friends come in all sizes!/
[repeat three times]
Randolph: Yes, they do!

Randolph: [Pointing gun at Nora and Sheldon] I've got Mr. Boomy, Missy!

Randolph: [fighting over the sniper rifle] You shot Smoochy, you bastard! Give me that gun, you whacked out piece of shit!
Buggy Ding Dong: No! I've got to kill the rhino!

Randolph: [as Buggy clings onto Randolph while both dangle from the catwalk] LET GO OF ME... YOU FUCKING JUNKIE