Joe Bauers
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Quotes for
Joe Bauers (Character)
from Idiocracy (2006)

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Idiocracy (2006)
Pvt. Joe Bowers: [addressing Congress] ... And there was a time in this country, a long time ago, when reading wasn't just for fags and neither was writing. People wrote books and movies, movies that had stories so you cared whose ass it was and why it was farting, and I believe that time can come again!

Frito: [Acting as Joe's public defender] It says here you robbed a hospital. Why'd you do that?
Pvt. Joe Bowers: I'm not guilty!
Frito: That's not what the other lawyer said.

Pvt. Joe Bowers: I just need you to tell me how to get to the time machine.
Frito: Oh, that's easy. You go down by the museum and stuff... It's like- it's, like, by the museum... Sorta by... Actually, not really. More like on the street, you go, um... Wait, let me start over. Okay, you know where the time machine is?

Pvt. Joe Bowers: Today I step into the shoes of a great man, a man by the name of Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho.

Pvt. Joe Bowers: Man, I could really go for a Starbucks, y'know?
Frito: I don't really think we have time for a handjob, Joe.

Pvt. Joe Bowers: [addressing Congress] There was a time when reading wasn't just for fags. And neither was writing. People wrote books and movies. Movies with stories, that made you care about whose ass it was and why it was farting. And I believe that time can come again!

Frito: Yah I know this place pretty good, I went to law school here.
Pvt. Joe Bowers: In Costco?
Frito: Yah I couldn't believe it myself, luckily my dad was an alumnus and pulled some strings.

Narrator: Joe decided that in order to get out of jail, he would have to use his superior diplomacy skills.
Pvt. Joe Bowers: [talking to the prison guard] Hey, uh... I'm actually supposed to be getting out of jail, not going back in...
Prison Guard #2: [hits Joe on the back of the head] You're supposed to be in that line, dumbass!
[he points to the door]
Prison Guard #2: Hey, guys, let this dumbass out!

Pvt. Joe Bowers: Why me? Every time Metsler says, "Lead, follow, or get out of the way," I get out of the way.
Sgt. Keller: Yeah, when he says that, you're not supposed to choose "get out of the way." It's supposed to embarrass you into leading - or at least following.
Pvt. Joe Bowers: That doesn't embarrass me.

IPPA Computer: Welcome to the Identity Processsing Program of Uhmerica! Please insert your forearm into the forearm receptacle!
[Joe inserts his arm]
IPPA Computer: Thank you! Please speak your name as it appears on your current federal identity card, document G24L8!
Pvt. Joe Bowers: I'm not sure if...
IPPA Computer: You have entered the name "Not Sure." Is this correct, Not Sure?
Pvt. Joe Bowers: No, it's not correct...
IPPA Computer: Thank you! "Not" is correct. Is "Sure" correct?
Pvt. Joe Bowers: No, it's not, my name is Joe...
IPPA Computer: You have already confirmed your first name is "Not." Please confirm your last name, "Sure."
Pvt. Joe Bowers: My last name is not "Sure!"
IPPA Computer: Thank you, Not Sure!
Pvt. Joe Bowers: No, what I mean is my name is Joe...
IPPA Computer: Confirmation is complete. Please wait while I tattoo your new identity on your arm!

[cabinet has been debating putting water on the plants instead of Brawndo]
Pvt. Joe Bowers: What *are* these electrolytes? Do you even know?
Secretary of State: They're... what they use to make Brawndo!
Pvt. Joe Bowers: But *why* do they use them to make Brawndo?
Secretary of Defense: [raises hand after a pause] Because Brawndo's got electrolytes.

Rita: You think Einstein walked around thinkin' everyone was a bunch of dumb shits?
Pvt. Joe Bowers: Yeah. Hadn't thought of that.
Rita: Now you know why he built that bomb.