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Quotes for
Stephanie Speck (Character)
from Short Circuit (1986)

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Short Circuit (1986)
Stephanie Speck: Life is NOT a malfunction.

Stephanie Speck: This may be hilarious where you come from, but on this planet it's considered rude.

Stephanie Speck: What planet is this guy from?

Stephanie Speck: Yes, I'd like to speak to one of your head warmongers, please.

[Stephanie is in the bath]
Number 5: [confused] Stephanie... change color!
Stephanie Speck: [looks down, embarrassed, reaches for a towel] Uh...
Number 5: Attractive! Nice software.
Stephanie Speck: You sure don't talk like a machine...

Newton Crosby: Are you sure you weren't doing any steering or anything like that?
Stephanie Speck: Yeah, I like to drive off cliffs.

Stephanie Speck: [they're heading for the cliff] Oh, no - Jeez! Number Five, we're gonna be killed!
Number 5: Disassemble?
Stephanie Speck: Yes, disassemble ALL OVER THE PLACE!

Stephanie Speck: I thought you were alive, Number 5. I let you tear my house to shreds and you're a ROBOT! You're a machine from that dumb war lab place. God, I'm so stupid!
Number 5: Stupid - foolish, gullible, doltish, dumbell...

Frank: How, robot. Me - friend.
Stephanie Speck: Talk computer, not Apache.

Frank: [explaining why he'd just been trying to capture Steph's dog] ... you know he looked kinda sick to me, so I thought I'd just take 'im down to the vet and fix 'im up a little bit.
Stephanie Speck: He doesn't look sick. YOU look sick.

Stephanie Speck: [to a possible client, over the phone] Oh... I'm sorry, I - but I just... I have to draw the line at SNAKES. Yeah, I'm sure it would make a wonderful pet - but... Wait, isn't there a home for cobras somewhere?

Stephanie Speck: [taking N5 for an extraterrestrial being] Oh, my God! I knew they'd pick me. I just knew it!... Hello? Well, I guess... Welcome to my planet!

Stephanie Speck: [to N5 who'd been watching TV all night] ... You know you lose IQ points the longer you watch. There've been actual studies!

Stephanie Speck: [to N5 reciting TV commercials] OK, you didn't come a million miles to do television commercials, did you?

Number 5: [on seeing the Sun] Oooooo! Beautiful. Light bulb.
Stephanie Speck: No - sun.
Number 5: Beautiful No-sun.

Stephanie Speck: [ending her phone conversation with NOVA's Marner] ... never mind, go back to your nuclear warheads.

Stephanie Speck: But you can't die. You're a machine.
Number 5: No.
Stephanie Speck: No, you're not a machine?
Number 5: Yes.
Stephanie Speck: Yes, you are, or yes, you're not?
Number 5: Yes.
Stephanie Speck: Yes, WHAT?
Number 5: Yes, not.
Stephanie Speck: Talk about a malfunction.

Stephanie Speck: [about the SAINT robots] So - what are these guys used for, anyway?
Ben Jabituya: It's top-secret crap.
Stephanie Speck: That's what I figured.

Stephanie Speck: ...Where're you taking him?
Ben Jabituya: This is not being a HIM. It's only being wires and several mechanisms and other such machine-type apparatus, for the Pete of sake - the sate of Peeckle...

Stephanie Speck: Boy am I the jerk of the world!
Number 5: Jerk of the world: Turkey, idiot, pain in the ass.

Newton Crosby: OK. Listen closely. There's a priest, a minister, and a rabbi. They're out playing golf. They're deciding how much to give to charity. The priest says "We'll draw a circle on the ground, throw the money in the air, and whatever lands inside the circle, we'll give to charity." The minister says "No, we'll draw a circle on the ground, throw the money in the air, and whatever lands outside of the circle, that's what we'll give to charity." The rabbi says "No no no. We'll throw the money way up in the air, and whatever God wants, he keeps!"
Number 5: Hmmmm. Oh, I get it! Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho! Hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee! Nyuk, nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk!
Stephanie Speck: What's going on? Is he laughing?
Newton Crosby: Yeah! Yeah! And the joke wasn't even that funny, and I think I screwed up the punchline. Ha ha ha ha!
Number 5: "Whatever God wants, he keeps!"

Newton Crosby: Let me tell you something. I don't like those NOVA guys any more than you do. In fact, I don't care if they ever get Number 5 back. But I wanna see it.
Stephanie Speck: If I show you where he is, do I have your word: You will not experiment on him, you will not flip the switches, and you will not take him apart?
Newton Crosby: Absolutely. You have my word.
Stephanie Speck: Okay. He's out back. I'll take you to him.
Skroeder: [walks up to them] Well, while you're at it, young lady, you can take me, too.
Newton Crosby: [surprised] Skroeder!
Skroeder: Terrific job, Crosby. Thanks for the help.
Newton Crosby: No. I had nothing to do with this!
Stephanie Speck: You bastard! You're a liar!

Frank: [to Number 5] Listen, why don't you say we jump in my car and I'll take you home.
Stephanie Speck: [knowingly] Uh, tell him where home is.
Frank: Uh, home is NOVA.
[Beasley barks]
Number 5: [throws tray at Frank] NOVA? NO! No disassemble!
Stephanie Speck: Run, Number 5, run!
Number 5: Come on, treads, don't fail me now!
Frank: [runs after him] You tricked me, you little bitch!
Stephanie Speck: Oh, does this mean I don't get my $5,000? Well, forget it! FORGET IT! He can run thirty miles an hour, you big stupid JERK!
Frank: [grabs her] Hey, I'll show you how stupid I am! Guess who's gonna help me catch him!
Stephanie Speck: No, I'd rather die first!
Frank: [sees that his Pontiac is gone] What the hell happened to my car?
Number 5: Hi!
[Frank's car is shown totally dismantled]
Number 5: Piece of cake!
Frank: Oh, my God! My car!
Stephanie Speck: [smiles] Oh, way to go, Number 5!

Number 5: [spilling and dumping the contents out of the glasses and boxes on Stephanie's counter] Drinking glass... Pasta, spaghetti!
Stephanie Speck: [picking up one of her kittens away from Number 5's mess] Very good...
Number 5: [dumping out spaghetti sauce out of a sauce pan] Liquid, spaghetti sauce...
Stephanie Speck: Look! This may be funny from where you come from! But on this planet, it's considered rude!
Number 5: [distracted by baskets of fruit] Oooo... Baskets... fruit!
[proceeds to dump the fruit out of the metal baskets by pushing the baskets upward]
Number 5: [as he dumps the fruit] Oranges, Apples, Lemons, Limes...
Stephanie Speck: [sarcastically] Why great! Thanks a lot!