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Lieutenant John Guild
: You got a pistol permit? Nick Charles
: No. Lieutenant John Guild
: Ever heard of the Sullivan Act? Nora Charles
: Oh, that's all right, we're married.
: The important thing is the rhythm. Always have rhythm in your shaking. Now a Manhattan you shake to fox-trot time, a Bronx to two-step time, a dry martini you always shake to waltz time.
: How'd you like Grant's tomb? Nora Charles
: It's lovely. I'm having a copy made for you.
: Pretty girl. Nick Charles
: Yes. She's a very nice type. Nora Charles
: You got types? Nick Charles
: Only you, darling. Lanky brunettes with wicked jaws.
: I'm a hero. I was shot twice in the Tribune. Nora Charles
: I read where you were shot 5 times in the tabloids. Nick Charles
: It's not true. He didn't come anywhere near my tabloids.
: Oh, it's all right, Joe. It's all right. It's my dog. And, uh, my wife. Nora Charles
: Well you might have mentioned me first on the billing.
: You know, that sounds like an interesting case. Why don't you take it? Nick Charles
: I haven't the time. I'm much too busy seeing that you don't lose any of the money I married you for.
] Nora Charles
: Nicky... Nicky, put Asta in here with me tonight. Nick Charles
] Oh, yeah?
[throws Asta in the other bunk
: Take care of yourself Nick Charles
: Why, sure I will. Nora Charles
: Don't say it like that! Say it as if you meant it! Nick Charles
: Well, I do believe the little woman cares. Nora Charles
: I don't care! It's just that I'm used to you, that's all.
: All right! Go ahead! Go on! See if I care! But I thinks it's a dirty trick to bring me all the way to New York just to make a widow of me. Nick Charles
: You wouldn't be a widow long. Nora Charles
: You bet I wouldn't! Nick Charles
: Not with all your money...
: Say, how did you people happen to pop in here? Lieutenant John Guild
: We hear this is getting to be sort of a meeting place for the Wynant family, so we figured we'll stick around just in case the old boy himself should show up. Then we see this bird sneak in, we decide to come up. And lucky for you we did! Nick Charles
: Yes, I might not have been shot.
: Now don't make a move or that dog will tear you to shreds.
: Nick? Nicky? Nick Charles
: What? Nora Charles
: You asleep? Nick Charles
: Yes! Nora Charles
: Good. I want to talk to you.
: Say, I'm getting out of here. Nick Charles
: No, you stay here. Tommy
: If I stay, I know I'm gonna take a poke at him. Nick Charles
: Then I insist that you stay.
: Hey, would you mind putting that gun away? My wife doesn't care, but I'm a very timid fellow. Nora Charles
: You idiot! Nick Charles
: [to the gunman
] Alright, shoot! I mean, uh, what's on your mind?
: Now my friends, if I may propose a little toast. Let us eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow we die. Nora Charles
: You give such charming parties, Mr. Charles. Nick Charles
: Thank you, Mrs. Charles.
: Now how did you ever remember me? Dorothy
: Oh, you used to fascinate me. A real live detective. You used to tell me the most wonderful stories. Were they true? Nick Charles
: Probably not.
: How many drinks have you had? Nick Charles
: This will make six Martinis. Nora Charles
: [to the waiter
] All right. Will you bring me five more Martinis, Leo? Line them right up here.
: Well, can't you tell us anything about the case? Nick Charles
: Yes, it's putting me way behind in my drinking.
: [suffering from a hang-over
] What hit me? Nick Charles
: The last martini.
: The murderer is right in this room. Sitting at this table. You may serve the fish.
: [after the doorbell rings on Christmas Eve
] Who's that? Nick Charles
: It's probably Santa Claus.
: [inviting MacCaulay in
] What are you drinking? Herbert MacCaulay
: Oh, nothing, thanks. Nothing. Nick Charles
: Oh, that's a mistake.
: [after Nick gets shot at
] Do you want a drink? Nick Charles
: What do you think?
: Haven't you heard the news? I'm a gentleman now!
: Is that my drink over there? Nick Charles
: What were you drinking? Nora Charles
: Rye. Nick Charles
: [finishes her drink in one gulp and hands her the empty glass
] Yes, that's yours.
: C'mon in kid, shed the chapeau.
: [carrying a tray of drinks
] Here's that man again! Ammunition! Highballs and cocktails - the long and short of it.
: Come on, let's get something to eat. I'm thirsty.
: You see, when it comes to words like that, an illiterate person... Polly Byrnes
: Whaddaya mean "illiterate"? My father and mother were married right here in the city hall! Nick Charles
: [Leans toward Nora
] Having a good time, Mrs. Charles? Nora Charles
: It couldn't be better.
: Are you packing? Nick Charles
: Yes dear, I'm putting away this liquor.
: Say, is that Mrs. Landis? Nick Charles
: Yep, want to meet her? Polly Byrnes
: No thanks, I've had enough of this family.
'Dancer', Lichee Club Owner
: Have you ever been thrown out of a place, Mr. Charles? Nick Charles
: Let's see. How many was it up to yesterday, Mrs. Charles? Nora Charles
: Well, uh, how many places were you in, Mr. Charles?
: Good morning! Lieutenant Abrams, San Francisco Homicide Squad
: Good evening. Nick Charles
: Uh, yes, good evening. Will you have some breakfast? Lieutenant Abrams, San Francisco Homicide Squad
: Thanks, I just had dinner. Nick Charles
: I give up.
Lum Kee, Lichee Club Co-Owner
: You bet you. You catch my brother. You play trick on him. Nick Charles
: No play trick on him, no catch him. You bet you. Is he still in? Lum Kee, Lichee Club Co-Owner
: You bet you. For five years more.
: Do you think she'll really take him home? Nick Charles
: She'll take him somewhere, I'm sure of that. Nora Charles
: What do you mean? Nick Charles
: I mean, did I ever tell you that you're the most fascinating woman this side of the Rockies? Nora Charles
: Wait till you see me on the other side.
: Have you made any New Year's resolutions? Nora Charles
: Not yet. Any complaints or suggestions? Nick Charles
: A few. Nora Charles
: Which? Nick Charles
: Complaints. Nora Charles
: All right shoot. Nick Charles
: Well, you don't scold, you don't nag, and you look far too pretty in the mornings. Nora Charles
: All right, I'll remember: must scold, must nag, mustn't be too pretty in the mornings.
: How do you do? I'd like to get this gal out of the woman's tank. Prison Matron
: Oh, yes. Is this the one that was doing the fan dance? Nick Charles
: Fan dance? Prison Matron
: Yes. Nick Charles
: Well, if it is, she's been holding out on me.
: Nickie, have you any pictures of yourself taken as a baby? Nick Charles
: [Trying to sleep
] No. Nora Charles
: Aww, that's a shame. I want to see what you looked like. Nick Charles
: I'll have some taken in the morning.
: I suppose we ought to decide where we're going. Nick Charles
: Why, do you care? Nora Charles
: No, but I haven't any clothes. Nick Charles
: Well, what's the difference? Saves you the trouble of packing. And I don't need anything in the world, darling, but you... and a toothbrush.
: Who was that? Nora Charles
: Oh, you wouldn't know them, darling. They're respectable.
: Harold? We want to go someplace and get the taste of respectibility out of our mouths. Harold
: OK, Nick.
: Family dinner I suppose. Aunt Katherine, Uncle Willie, Cousin Emily Nora Charles
: Aunt Hattie, Cousin Lucius, Uncle Thomas. Pour me one too
: Aunt Katherine wants to speak to you. Nick Charles
: What have I done now? Nora Charles
: Do you know why Robert wasn't here tonight? Nick Charles
: Sure, because he's smart. Nora Charles
: I'm not fooling, darling, he's disappeared. Nick Charles
: That's well. Now if we could just get Aunt Katherine to disappear...
: I got rid of all those reporters. Nick Charles
: What did you tell them? Nora Charles
: We're out of scotch. Nick Charles
: What a gruesome idea.
: What's the idea of the kid? Nick Charles
: Well, we have a dog, and he was lonesome. That was the idea, wasn't it, Mummy?
Policeman with flashlight
: We're going to have to shoot that mutt. We'll never find him like this. Nick Charles
: Wait a minute. He's not going to come running up to a lot of strange men with lights. What do you think he is? A moth?
: How did you find me here? Nick Charles
: I saw a great group of men standing around a table. I knew there was only one woman in the world who could attract men like that. A woman with a lot of money.
: [Reading phone messages
] Here's another one of those "Call Long Island Operator #15." Don't you think you ought to call her? Nick Charles
: Certainly not; she knows better than that! I told her I was bringing the wife along this time. Nora Charles
: I don't know why I always take it for granted that you're kidding.
: Nick sent me up the river. Nora Charles
: It's nice you don't feel bad about it. 'Creeps' Binder
: Why should I? Gee! It took a genius to outsmart me. Nick Charles
: You wanna touch me? Nora Charles
: Really, Creeps, you shouldn't run him down like that.
: He wants a lot of money. And when you won't give it to him, he says you won't be pigheaded, because he dreamed twice about your dying. And the third time he dreams things, they come true. Now, what do you think? Nick Charles
: I wouldn't think I have to hurry up my dying on his account.
: You won't be alone long. Wait till the news of your 5 millions hits the front pages. You'll find you've got relatives all over the world.
] Nick Charles
: Let's sit down. Nora Charles
: Sit down? What for? Nick Charles
: Just to get a little rest after our quiet weekend in the country.
: I'm not walking out, I'm running out... During this quiet little weekend in the country, my family's been threatened, I've had a knife thrown at me, I've been shot at, and I've been suspected of murder... I'm going back to New York!
[to their waiter
] Nick Charles
: Two Bacardis. Nora Charles
: The same.
: Nicky, something tells me that something important is happening somewhere and I think we should be there.
[cut to Nora with a cocktail shaker
: Hiya Nick. Nick Charles
: Hiya Spider. 'Spider' Webb
: Where ya' been? How come I ain't seen ya' around? Nick Charles
: I've been around. Where you been? 'Spider' Webb
: I ain't been around. Nick Charles
: No? In stir? 'Spider' Webb
: I was the victim of circumstances. The D.A. framed me, not knowin' I was guilty. Ain't that a coincidence? Nick Charles
: Yeah. Spider, I want you to meet Mrs. Charles. Dear, this is Spider Webb. 'Spider' Webb
: You're Nick's wife? Nora Charles
: Yeah. Ain't that a coincidence?
: Well, gentlemen and ladies we have our murderer. Nora Charles
: Nicky, I can't stand it! Was it me?
: Mommy, he's a great kid. I'm much obliged. Nora Charles
: Oh, it was nothing. Any time.
: You're gonna see some great wrestling tonight. Nick Charles
: How do you know? You were at the rehearsal?
[to the dog
] Nick Charles
: Asta, you keep Mommy quiet.
Clarence 'Clinker' Krause
: [utters impenetrable stream of jazz-cat hipster argot
] Nick Charles
: Mrs. Charles always wears her mouth open with this outfit.
: If the party gets rough, duck. Nora Charles
: I'm practically under the table now, but not the way I like to be.
: I got a great idea. Nora Charles
: What is it? Nick Charles
: Let's go home. Nora Charles
: What's at home? Nick Charles
: You, my pipe, my slippers. Nora Charles
: Nickie, you're slipping. Nick Charles
: Darling, give me my pipe, slippers & a beautiful woman... and you can keep the pipe and slippers.
: Boys, boys, in polite society we don't say 'yoo hoo'; we say 'yoo whom'.
: [about Phyllis Talbin
] Stunning jewelry. Those earrings... Nick Charles
: [looking off in the direction of Phyllis
] Very attractive! Nora Charles
: Earrings are higher up.
Nicholas 'Nick' Charles
: A couple of weeks on this cider and I'll be a new man. Nora Charles
: I sort of like the old one. Nicholas 'Nick' Charles
: Why, darling, that's the nicest thing you've said to me since the time I got my head caught in that cuspidor at the Waldorf.
Nicholas 'Nick' Charles
: Right there was the little old schoolhouse.
] Nicholas 'Nick' Charles
: Once on Halloween I burned it down - slightly.
Nicholas 'Nick' Charles
: The fact that the boy's dead doesn't seem to have made very much impression on you. Bill Burns
: Why should it? Death hasn't endowed him with any new virtues, has it? Nicholas 'Nick' Charles
: That's a little brutal, but honest. Do you, eh... You know of anyone who might have had cause to kill him? Bill Burns
: The way he was cutting throats at the plant, it might have been a number of people. Nicholas 'Nick' Charles
: What about you? Bill Burns
: Mr. Charles, when you've got anything on me, you can serve your papers. But until that time, I figure my time is my own.