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: Mary, turn away from Satan. Jesus, he loves you. Mary
: You don't know the first thing about love. Hilary Faye
: [throws a Bible at Mary
] I am FILLED with Christ's love! You are just jealous of my success in the Lord. Mary
: [Mary holds up the Bible
] This is not a weapon! You idiot.
: [about the Virgin Mary
] I know this is wrong, but do you ever wonder if she just made the whole thing up? I mean, it's a pretty good one. It's not like anyone can ever use virgin birth as an excuse again.
: I don't really think she made it up, but I can understand why a girl would.
: Mary, you want to go out sometime? Mary
: What? Are you going to take me out on your "scooter"? Patrick
: Come on, I'm like, totally adorable, besides, it would drive Hilary Faye crazy. Mary
: I can't. I'm... not dating right now. Patrick
: What about tomorrow night? Will you be dating then?
: I keep trying to remind myself that when Jesus closes a door he opens a window. Mary
: Yeah, so we have something to jump out of.
: Please let it be cancer, please let it be cancer, please let it be cancer...
: Dean! What are you doing here? Dean
: I'm going to my Prom. Mary
: Mercy House let you guys take the van? Dean
: Well no not really, we sort of led a rebellion and swiped it. You're pregnant? Mary
: I wanted to tell you... Dean
: Our first time?
: That's so awesome.
: What? Did they send you over so you could strap me onto the back of your scooter? Patrick
: "Scooter"? Mary, this is a Vespa.
: So everything that doesn't fit into some stupid idea of what you think God wants you just try to hide or fix or get rid of? It's just all too much to live up to. No one fits in one hundred percent of the time. Not even you. Pastor Skip
: I know that, Mary. Dean
: I know in my heart that Jesus still loves me. Mary
: Why would God make us all so different if he wanted us to be the same?
: Why would God make us so different if he wanted us to be the same?
: [about her corsage
] I bought both red and yellow, because I didn't know... which... Mary
: But Patrick -
[gestures to her pregnant belly
: Mary? Honestly? It doesn't matter to me.
: I think the Christian thing to do would be to let them stay. Hilary Faye
: The Christian thing to do? I have been doing the CHRISTIAN THING my whole life! I did not have sex with a gay and try to blame it on Jesus! Mary
: Hilary Faye... Hilary Faye
: Oh, shut up, you fornicator!
: Doesn't it bother you to have people smoking around you? It's so bad for the baby. Mary
: I'm not pregnant. Cassandra
: So what are you gonna do? It's too late for the big "A". You look like a smuggler. I know a place where you could sell it! Mary
: I'm not going to sell my...
: It's Dean's, isn't it?
: Why do you think Dean's parents sent him away so fast? Lillian
: They probably didn't think they could handle it by themselves. Mary
: What do you mean? Lillian
: Well, having a child is like owning a car. I can change the oil and fill the gas tank and I can take it to a car wash, but if the carburetor broke, I wouldn't know what to do. Mary
: So, what? You'd just send me away? Lillian
: Oh, Mary, please don't tell me you're a lesbian! Mary
: Mom... Lillian
: Do I need to worry about you? No, I don't have to worry about you. Do I? Mary
] My mom just compared me to a car, so me having a baby is definitely something not to tell her right now.
: How was your summer, Roland? Roland
: What? Mary
: Your summer. How was it? Roland
: Oh, it was great. I went roller-skating, water-skiing, learnt to kickbox. The usual. Hilary Faye
: Roland, why do you always have to make everyone feel so awkward about your differently-abled-ness?
: Mercy House is a place that deals with all kinds of problems, like drug addiction and alcoholism to de-gayification and unwed mothers.
: Does it ever bother you that he can't walk? Cassandra
: He can't walk?
[Mary is about to confess that Dean is gay
: I need to tell you guys something.
[Van suddenly haults
] Hilary Faye
: Eew. Veronica
: Eew. Roland
: WHAT? Wasn't like it was some kind of secret. The guy was like a one-man gay pride parade.
: If you're interested, I know some people who would pay a lot of money to take naked pictures of you in a "family way". Mary
: [wiping away her tears and smiling tentatively
] Yeah? How much money?
: So, Patrick asked you out and you turned him down? The boy is a tomcat, even if he is a big JC freak. And - double plus bonus - I'm pretty sure he's not a 'mo. Mary
: He's Pastor Skip's son, and I'm about to pop a baby out. Cassandra
: I should tell Patrick to act gay around you, maybe then he'll get a little action.
: [voice over
] I mean, rely, when you think about it. What would Jesus do? I don't know. But in the meantime we'll be trying to figure it out... together.
: [voice over
] I've been born again my whole life... accepting Jesus.
] Cassandra Edelstine was the first Jewish to ever attend Christian Eagle High School amid rumors that she was a stripper. Everyone wanted to get her saved. Especially Hilary Faye.
: I'm having a girl. Cassandra
: [looking at Mary's ultrasound
] Are you sure you're not having a seamonkey?
: My mom just compared me to a car... so me... having a baby... definitely falls into the category of things she couldn't handle.
: [after giving birth
] Okay, I'm pretty sure this isn't what Jesus had in mind when he said, "Help Dean." Look, don't be too harsh. I'm not the first person to ever get the message screwed up. Looking at her, it's like life is too amazing to be this random and meaningless consequence of the universe. There had to be a God... or something out there.
: Come here. Sorry
[as he walks in front of people
: What are you doing, Patrick? Patrick
: I just wanna see what's in here. Mary
: But... Patrick
: No, no, come on. Mary
: No! We're not allowed... Patrick
: Just for a second. Mary
: I don't think we should be in here. Patrick
: Yes, yes we should definitely be in here. Mary
: [Looking up at a huge cross, arms outstretched, sobbing
] Shit, fuck, Goddamn.