Alexandra Eames
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Quotes for
Alexandra Eames (Character)
from "Law & Order: Criminal Intent" (2001)

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"Law & Order: Criminal Intent: Con-Text (#2.10)" (2003)
Detective Robert Goren: They use the same psychological coercion as cults.
Detective Alexandra Eames: So did the guy who sold me my car.

[Goren and Eames are pretending to be a "civilian" married couple interested in attending a self-help seminar]
Detective Robert Goren: Mr. Fuller, we were invited by someone here who works for you.
Detective Alexandra Eames: We don't know that, honey.
Detective Robert Goren: Anyway, no one seems to know her, uh...
[pauses, looks directly at Fuller]
Detective Robert Goren: You made us, didn't you? What gave us away?
Randall Fuller: Her sensible shoes. And her sleeve. It's, uh, shiny from rubbing against her holster.
[He looks at Goren]
Randall Fuller: Oh, and your belt is scratched where you clip your badge.
Detective Alexandra Eames: He's good.

Detective Robert Goren: Look, strip down all their double-talk. What is it that Randall Fuller really said to those people?
Detective Robert Goren: "Everything you've done is wrong." "Everything you are is false."
Detective Alexandra Eames: "But it wasn't your fault; you were 'programmed' that way."
Detective Robert Goren: "Leave it to Grace Note to give you back your life." It's *very* seductive.

Detective Alexandra Eames: The "Grace Note" Suicide Diet!

Detective Robert Goren: And that's when you overcame your biggest fear. You changed your way of being.
Doug Morgan: Yes!
Detective Robert Goren: You killed your dad and transformed your life.
Doug Morgan: [nods, smiling] Yes, I did.
Detective Alexandra Eames: And you killed your brother for the same reason.
Detective Robert Goren: The brother who had loved you, who watched over you.
Doug Morgan: It's wasn't real love. The context wasn't authentic. He watched out for me out of guilt. It's old stuff.
Detective Robert Goren: It's in the past. You killed your dad and you... let it go.
Doug Morgan: Yes!
Detective Robert Goren: Well, so then you became everything that Grace Note promised you. I mean, like it says here in the brochure, look! You became creator of your own destiny! Wow, look at you! You're a success story!

A.D.A. Ron Carver: Is it a cult? Brain control?
Detective Robert Goren: Yes.
Detective Alexandra Eames: No.
A.D.A. Ron Carver: How reassuring.

Detective Alexandra Eames: Those people did NOT look like zombies when they came in.

Detective Robert Goren: Every time before he spoke, he looked up. The Manson girls did the same thing during their murder trial. They were visualizing.
Detective Alexandra Eames: What's he visualizing?
Detective Robert Goren: Not what... who?

Detective Alexandra Eames: Four hours without a bathroom break, I thought I was going to pop a valve.

"Law & Order: Criminal Intent: Slither (#5.11)" (2006)
Detective Alexandra Eames: [seeing that Goren has covered two boards with random letters] I totally forgot I need an eye exam.

Captain James Deakins: What are we talking about, some kind of Manson family?
Detective Alexandra Eames: If the Manson family shopped on Madison Avenue.

Detective Alexandra Eames: Old jealousies never die.

Detective Alexandra Eames: [referring to Bernard Fremont] What is it that women see in him?
Detective Robert Goren: The door to another world.

Detective Alexandra Eames: [Inquiring about Bernard's relationship to Nicole Wallace] Have you heard from her lately?
Bernard Fremont: Nicole is a fugitive, thanks to you two. And, no, she'd never put me in that kind of danger. She's very protective.
Detective Robert Goren: Well, you'd be very proud of your star pupil.
Bernard Fremont: I can't take the credit. She's a natural.
Detective Robert Goren: Well, she's very adept at poisons. Is that something that you taught her?
Bernard Fremont: I'll take a pass on that.

Hilary Marsden: [about Nicole Wallace and Bernard Fremont] She's his creation. He thinks she's perfect, poor Bernard.
Detective Alexandra Eames: Poor Bernard.

Detective Alexandra Eames: They stole everything but the light bulbs.

Detective Robert Goren: He looked like he already knew our names.
Detective Alexandra Eames: Don't flatter yourself.

"Law & Order: Criminal Intent: The Third Horseman (#1.11)" (2002)
Detective Alexandra Eames: [a witness is a homeless woman who has named herself God] Put God together with the sketch artist.

Detective Alexandra Eames: From locks to lock and load.

Detective Alexandra Eames: [Goren puts a small object in an evidence bag] Suspicious dustballs?

Detective Alexandra Eames: Promise me a margarita when this is all over.

Cutler's Attorney: [referring to Griscom] He's invoking his right to be silent.
Detective Alexandra Eames: Well, he doesn't have the right to be deaf, so he'll have to listen to what we have to say.

Captain James Deakins: This guy has a death-wish, and he's going to take somebody down with him.
Detective Alexandra Eames: We can always hope he gets the order mixed up and shoots himself first.

"Law & Order: Criminal Intent: But Not Forgotten (#3.4)" (2003)
Captain James Deakins: [referring to a car-jacking/murder case in that happened on 9-11] I'd say they put about two hours work into this and called it quits.
Detective Alexandra Eames: Maybe because they had 2,000 other homicides to solve that day.

Detective Robert Goren: [opening up a container of very nasty smelling cheese] That's Rochette. Made from sheep's milk.
Detective Alexandra Eames: You can tell that just from the smell?
Detective Robert Goren: It's, uh... on the label.

Detective Robert Goren: [entering a warehouse with a strong coffee smell] Do you smell it?
Detective Alexandra Eames: I'm getting a caffeine buzz just breathing it in.

Detective Alexandra Eames: [after reading an article by a lawyer killed by a hitman] Sounds like Old MacDonald rubbed some people the wrong way.

Detective Alexandra Eames: [watching Goren playing with the flesh on a corpse] Uck. You keep doing that, I'm gonna drop this kid right here.

Detective Alexandra Eames: [sarcastically] Self-defense works for me.

"Law & Order: Criminal Intent: The Unblinking Eye (#4.21)" (2005)
Detective Robert Goren: [while observing a suspect in the interrogation room] She rages on, inspite of all the evidence against her.
Detective Alexandra Eames: She could confess, but where's the fun in that?

Detective Robert Goren: When was the last time you went on a treasure hunt?
Detective Alexandra Eames: How 'bout never.

Detective Alexandra Eames: Most guys freak out if their exes send them even a Christmas card.

District Attorney Ron Carver: If only he had gone blank on that street corner.
Detective Alexandra Eames: [scratches head] Oh, but then they wouldn't get to be celebrity perps.

Detective Alexandra Eames: [watching Pike grieving on TV] Nothing like watching a crocodile shed tears.

"Law & Order: Criminal Intent: Cold Comfort (#2.17)" (2003)
Detective Alexandra Eames: This wasn't a robbery gone bad.
Detective Robert Goren: It's murder gone good.

Detective Alexandra Eames: I hear skeletons in the family closet.

Detective Alexandra Eames: [after Goren explains what certain autopsy tools were used on Kittridge for] Don't tell me they took his brain!

Detective Alexandra Eames: [wondering why doctors wanted to study Kittridge's brain] A politician's brain. Maybe they wanted to see how he talked out of both sides of his mouth.

Detective Alexandra Eames: Senator Kittridge will be disappointed his polyp didn't get to save mankind from some terrible disease.

"Law & Order: Criminal Intent: Zoonotic (#2.22)" (2003)
Dr. Scott Borman: You do know, of course, that "zoonotic" doesn't mean that the viruses came from the zoo.
Detective Robert Goren: It doesn't? Well, my partner was telling me that, but it doesn't make sense to me, because there's the word "zoo"...
Dr. Scott Borman: [Leers at Eames] Guys... we never listen.
Detective Robert Goren: [Moves to stand between half-naked Borman and Eames] You conducted seminars for 'Special Friends of the Zoo'.
Dr. Scott Borman: Well the directors think I'm a good ambassador, for the zoo.
Dr. Scott Borman: [Spits]
Detective Alexandra Eames: [Disgusted] Because you have so much in common with your animals?

Detective Alexandra Eames: [Goren and Eames looking through the filthy, cluttered apartment of murdered cop, Billy 'Buzz' Davis] How come all divorced cops have the same decorator?

Detective Robert Goren: How many 8 year old girls do you know that love sports cars?
Detective Alexandra Eames: Besides me?

Detective Alexandra Eames: Typhoid Roger, after you dump him, you get sick.
Detective Robert Goren: Blackmail him and you get killed.

Detective Alexandra Eames: [about Dr. Scott Borman] I think his speedo's too tight, it's cutting off the blood to his brain.

"Law & Order: Criminal Intent: The Posthumous Collection (#4.2)" (2004)
[after viewing their dead suspect who is a fashion photographer]
Detective Alexandra Eames: As murders go, it's pretty flashy.

Detective Robert Goren: He killed these girls and took their pictures.
Detective Alexandra Eames: Can hold their poses for hours and never complain, the perfect models.

Detective Alexandra Eames: I hope this isn't his wish list.
[sorts through sketches of women]
Detective Alexandra Eames: He's got 3 blondes with long hair, 2 with short hair, 4 brunettes, and 3 gray haired ladies.

Detective Robert Goren: What did you do to him, Doris?
Doris Mitchell: I played bad nurse with him. Tied him to Grandma's smelly bed, put on my ma's nurse cap and beat the crap out of him. But like ma said, he could take it. Hey listen, I gotta get back to work, you see Spence around you tell him hi for me.
Detective Alexandra Eames: [unenthusiastically] We will.

Detective Alexandra Eames: [dryly] You like your little brother, we can tell.
Doris Mitchell: [in prison for manslaughter] Yeah he wasn't like the rest of us, could actually hold down a steady job, or talk to strangers without getting into a fight.

"Law & Order: Criminal Intent: Revolution (#8.16)" (2009)
Detective Alexandra Eames: [to Detective Nichols] You're starting to remind me of someone.

Detective Alexandra Eames: [about a book Kaspers bought for a child] "The Wretched of the Earth." Was the bookstore out of "Charlotte's Web"?
Axel Kaspers: [earnestly] Do you know the book? Can anyone know that book without being moved to take pity - to take action?
Detective Alexandra Eames: Yeah, I never step on spiders any more.

Detective Zach Nichols: "Pig's system is death. Murder must answer murder. We have started the revolution last night." It's not very good English.
Agent Carmen Martino: It's not supposed to be an SAT exam.
Detective Zach Nichols: It could be a native Spanish speaker or a German. Some language where the present perfect is the same as the simple past.
Detective Alexandra Eames: You're starting to remind me of someone.
Captain Danny Ross: This one's taller.

Detective Alexandra Eames: Boobytrap?
Detective Zach Nichols: Kidnap a banker, kill a cop...
Detective Alexandra Eames: Did you just save our lives?
Detective Zach Nichols: You can buy breakfast.

Detective Alexandra Eames: Have you seen the Internet? They have a fan group on Facebook.
Captain Danny Ross: Yeah, we're not joining it. NYPD / FBI just put out this statement.
Detective Zach Nichols: [reading] "Despite the rhetoric, these are nothing but common criminals."
Detective Alexandra Eames: Oh, the bad guys write sexier statements than we do.
Captain Danny Ross: But we're not insane.
Detective Zach Nichols: [continues reading] "There's no need to overreact. City and federal authorities have the situation well under control." If I were them, I'd want to prove this wrong.
Agent Carmen Martino: We're taking all necessary safety precautions. What do you think we should be saying, detective?
Detective Zach Nichols: That communism is dead and they're trying to replace a flawed system with a failed one.
Agent Carmen Martino: You want to have a political science seminar?

"Law & Order: Criminal Intent: The Pilgrim (#2.8)" (2002)
Ethan Edwards: I was sent by God.
Detective Alexandra Eames: So were we.

[last lines]
Detective Alexandra Eames: God's will.
Detective Robert Goren: Let's hope so.

Detective Alexandra Eames: [to Goren] Go ahead, impress me.

Detective Alexandra Eames: The more I know, the less I sleep.

"Law & Order: Criminal Intent: Beast (#4.19)" (2005)
Detective Robert Goren: [admiring a murderer's modus operandi] So he killed her without touching her.
Detective Alexandra Eames: And they say all the good men are taken.

Detective Alexandra Eames: I see a pub quiz in our near future.

Detective Robert Goren: [checking surfaces for cocaine] Try the chair.
Detective Kahn: You think she snorted it off the chair?
Detective Alexandra Eames: We're thinking she didn't snort it.
Detective Kahn: ...Oh.

Detective Alexandra Eames: [Multiple times throughout episode] Naughty cyberpals. Very naughty cyberpals.

"Law & Order: Criminal Intent: Purgatory (#7.11)" (2008)
Detective Alexandra Eames: I remember you... You used to be Lois Cabrera.
Officer Lois Melago: I shoulda stayed that way.

Detective Alexandra Eames: Get your feet off my partner's desk.

Detective Alexandra Eames: [to Robert Goren] You're undercover, you don't tell me?
Captain Danny Ross: Those were *my* orders - direct from the top...
[Eames shakes her head and walks away from Goren and Ross]

Detective Alexandra Eames: [bitterly, to the newly reinstated Detective Goren] I get it. You're the genius; I just carry your water. Right?

"Law & Order: Criminal Intent: Mis-Labeled (#3.14)" (2004)
Ashley Heaton: [to Goren] You ask the weirdest questions.
Detective Alexandra Eames: You have no idea.

Detective Alexandra Eames: [viewing a body in two suitcases going to the airport] Maybe this beats traveling economy.

ADA Ron Carver: What did you find out from the embassy in Bangkok?
Detective Alexandra Eames: They have lovely fax cover sheets.

Detective Alexandra Eames: Bad news comes in all packages.

"Law & Order: Criminal Intent: Maledictus (#1.19)" (2002)
Detective Alexandra Eames: I learn something new every day.

Detective Robert Goren: [Goren pulls a necklace out of the victim's mouth] What do you think this means?
Detective Alexandra Eames: Robbery wasn't the motive?

Detective Alexandra Eames: This is what happened, the rest of your pretty daughter got turned into pudding and washed down the sewer system.

"Law & Order: Criminal Intent: Legion (#2.18)" (2003)
Detective Alexandra Eames: In this neighborhood, the Neighborhood Watch watches the cops.

Captain James Deakins: Well, it's nice to see kids studying the classics.
Detective Alexandra Eames: And learning all the wrong lessons.

Frankie Marino: Everything has always been the same.
Detective Robert Goren: How do you mean?
Frankie Marino: You can't lose another life than the one you're living now, or live another one than the one you're losing.The longest life is the same as the shortest.
Detective Alexandra Eames: What's he talking about?
Detective Robert Goren: The longest life is the same as the shortest.I know this.
Frankie Marino: Some things are rushing into existence.Others out of it.
Detective Robert Goren: Did you read this, Frankie?
Frankie Marino: Time is a river, a violent current of events, glimpsed...
Detective Robert Goren: Glimpsed once, already carried past us and is gone. Yeah.That's Marcus Aurelius.The dictates of a warrior.

"Law & Order: Criminal Intent: Privilege (#6.12)" (2007)
Detective Alexandra Eames: I love it when men say they babysit. When it's your own kids it's NOT babysitting, it's called being a dad.

Barry Epstein: Isabel and I haven't been romantic since Bastille Day.
Detective Alexandra Eames: Now there's a holiday that's tough on relationships.

Detective Alexandra Eames: As a little girl I used to dream of living this way.
Detective Robert Goren: It's musty in here, you can see the dead flies way up. Fake flowers. Hope you got over that.

"Law & Order: Criminal Intent: Lady's Man (#8.11)" (2009)
Detective Alexandra Eames: [looks under sheet, at murder victim's groin] So where is his - ?
Detective Robert Goren: Killer might've taken it. Fetish.
Detective Robert Goren: [looks out at beach, sea, and sky] Seagulls are always hungry.

Detective Alexandra Eames: It won't be pleasant for me.
Detective Robert Goren: Mm-mmm.
Detective Alexandra Eames: It's about getting *him*, right?
Detective Robert Goren: Mm-hmm.
Detective Alexandra Eames: So what's the problem.

Detective Alexandra Eames: Did you find out everything you wanted to know about me?
Detective Robert Goren: Yeah, sure did. Bourbon, eh?

"Law & Order: Criminal Intent: Poison (#1.7)" (2001)
Detective Ed Green: Hey, does someone mind filling us in on what's going on here?
Detective Robert Goren: Someone's got Anthrax. A whole lot of it.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Great. And exactly when are you going to share this with the rest of the world?
Detective Alexandra Eames: That's up to the Comissioner's Office.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Great. Those Idiots.

Detective Robert Goren: You put this in the mail.
Trudy Pomeranski: No!
Detective Alexandra Eames: We have you on film.
Detective Robert Goren: It smells like almonds. I bet you know what else smells like almonds?
Detective Alexandra Eames: You're under arrest.
Trudy Pomeranski: No! No! Oh no!
Detective Alexandra Eames: I don't want to hurt you.

[last lines]
Detective Alexandra Eames: They are adorable.
Detective Robert Goren: They are what dreams are made of. *Bad* dreams.

"Law & Order: Criminal Intent: Proud Flesh (#5.13)" (2006)
Detective Alexandra Eames: [referring to a dead body in latex] He died with his freak on.

Professor Larry Lewis: This story of yours is - it's Kafkaesque.
Detective Alexandra Eames: That would make you the bug, Larry. You know what I like to do to bugs? I like to watch my partner squash them.

Detective Robert Goren: [Goren asks Chinese shop owner a question in Chinese]
Shop owner: [in Chinese] You speak Chinese like my little dog!
Translator: She said...
Detective Robert Goren: [embarrassed] I know, I got it.
Detective Alexandra Eames: [amused] So did I.

"Law & Order: Criminal Intent: Baggage (#2.11)" (2003)
Detective Alexandra Eames: My dad's a cop, when I have a problem he's still the first one I talk to.

Detective Robert Goren: I almost forgot, I once busted a stripper who did a thing with a glow stick, do they do that there?
Louis Pens: Yeah, they do that.
Detective Alexandra Eames: [to Goren] I can't believe you touched that thing.

Detective Alexandra Eames: Yeah I'll bet Jenny felt right at home in a titty bar, oh right that's the point, Walter, she didn't!

"Law & Order: Criminal Intent: Unrequited (#3.12)" (2004)
Detective Robert Goren: You must love dancing. You're just so - so light on your feet.
Marion Whitney: I'm a student of the dance.
[Marion exits the room]
Detective Alexandra Eames: Dance of the Merry Widow.

Detective Robert Goren: Do you have a lot of students in their sixties? Fifties? Forties?
Lawrence Bradley: No.
Detective Alexandra Eames: I'm guessing twenty-five is the cutoff for actresses. Twenty-six if they're pretty.
Lawrence Bradley: You have no idea.

Marion Whitney: This can't be happening to me.
Detective Alexandra Eames: Sorry, it looks like you forgot your ruby slippers.

"Law & Order: Criminal Intent: Great Barrier (#4.4)" (2004)
Detective Alexandra Eames: Speaking of cradles, looks like you robbed one.
Detective Robert Goren: You're uh, looking for her, huh? You worried that you didn't inoculate her thoroughly enough against our tricks?
Nicole Wallace: She has a natural immunity to pathological liars.
Detective Robert Goren: Well, uh, I've never seen you so agitated.
Nicole Wallace: It must be all the pleasant memories this place brings back.

Nicole Wallace: [Nicole is seated across from Eames and Goren] You're both so transparent. Punishing Ella to get at me.
Detective Robert Goren: That's Nicole's maternal instinct, rearing its little head.
Detective Alexandra Eames: You can't deny those feelings, even if you can't have kids of your own.
Nicole Wallace: Yes, thank you. Not all of us can be blessed like you, with eggs ripe and ready for hire.

[poking fun at Eames for having her sisters baby]
Nicole Wallace: Tell me, did your sister let you keep the sonogram so you'd have something to cuddle up with at night?
Detective Alexandra Eames: [angrily] I see my nephew, three times a week. Being pregnant was - a great experience, Nicole. Consider yourself robbed.

"Law & Order: Criminal Intent: A Person of Interest (#2.23)" (2003)
Detective Alexandra Eames: Nicole Elizabeth Wallace Hitchens Haynes, whatever. All of you are under arrest.

[referring to notes on Goren's desk]
Detective Alexandra Eames: Admirers?
Detective Robert Goren: No, reporters. They want a comment.
Detective Alexandra Eames: Can they print a hand gesture?

"Law & Order: Criminal Intent: Yesterday (#1.18)" (2002)
Detective Alexandra Eames: Too strange for the chess club? That must be some kind of record.

[Eames, while examining a recently discovered, 20 year old partly decomposed corpse, realizes the victim was wearing a very rare mini skirt]
Detective Robert Goren: You wore one of those?
Detective Alexandra Eames: Looked good in it, too.

"Law & Order: Criminal Intent: Undaunted Mettle (#3.1)" (2003)
Detective Alexandra Eames: Well, if he wanted to get inside Laurette's head, he needed more blondes in his life.

Detective Alexandra Eames: He gave me a big hug. He said it was a great thing I was doing for my sister, and he said when the time comes, he'll hook you up with a temporary partner.
Detective Robert Goren: Oh no. I didn't even think of that. Well, what'd you say?
Detective Alexandra Eames: I pitied the fool.

"Law & Order: Criminal Intent: The Extra Man (#1.6)" (2001)
Detective Alexandra Eames: You'd think Trump's secretary would use spell check.

ADA Ron Carver: [Goren bet Carver 10-1 that a murderer will call him back] 10-1?
Detective Alexandra Eames: I've taken him on before, Mr. Carver. I'm down eighteen bucks.

"Law & Order: Criminal Intent: No Exit (#4.20)" (2005)
Detective Robert Goren: [about a "person of interest" in an investigation] He's just letting it all slide - even the things that matter to him. He's sinking into depression.
Detective Alexandra Eames: [holding up a will] Here's one thing he hasn't let slide.

Detective Alexandra Eames: A suicide club - and Carmine didn't know he was a member.

"Law & Order: Criminal Intent: Gone (#4.11)" (2005)
Detective Alexandra Eames: From chess prodigy to paranoid prodigy. That's why I stuck with checkers.

Detective Alexandra Eames: Don't mind my partner, he's a little ADD.

"Law & Order: Criminal Intent: Pas de Deux (#3.13)" (2004)
Detective Alexandra Eames: [Eames and Goren find a briefcase in a trashcan. Eames wants to call the bomb squad; Goren sees an ID on the briefcase and grabs it, which scares the hell out of Eames] It's good to be back.

Detective Alexandra Eames: [realizing DePalma faked a holdup] A starter's pistol, I would've shot him over a starter's pistol.

"Law & Order: Criminal Intent: Phantom (#1.16)" (2002)
Detective Alexandra Eames: The only money I ever got from my family was the 50 bucks my Dad gave me for my prom dress.
Detective Robert Goren: Is that the same year you were selling apples in front of City Hall?
Detective Alexandra Eames: It was matchsticks, and it was snowing.

Detective Alexandra Eames: [Alex comes up to Bobby after separately interviewing] My witnesses did better than yours.

"Law & Order: Criminal Intent: Stress Position (#4.13)" (2005)
Chocolate Jimmy: Kenna, yeah. I remember him. Sure.
Detective Alexandra Eames: You had a dust-up with him for wearing double clothes.
Chocolate Jimmy: He had me strip down to my kimono, so all the people in the galleries could see.
Chocolate Jimmy's Mom: You probably liked that.
Chocolate Jimmy: Shut up, Ma, they're talkin' to me!
Detective Robert Goren: Is your mom right, Jimmy? Or- or did you feel humiliated?
Chocolate Jimmy: I'm no Anna Nicole. I don't like bein' made a spectacle.
Detective Alexandra Eames: Then you'll be happy to know Guard Kenna was stabbed to death in his building two days ago.
Detective Robert Goren: Do you know anything about that, Jimmy?
Chocolate Jimmy's Mom: He doesn't know anything. He just sits around eating biscuits. "Get a hobby," I tell him.
Chocolate Jimmy: I know things, Ma!
Chocolate Jimmy's Mom: Ungrateful, biscuit-eating son of a bitch!

Detective Alexandra Eames: [walking into the conference room and finding Goren sitting on the floor, surrounded by neat rows and columns of open case files] I didn't know you could play Twister by yourself!

"Law & Order: Criminal Intent: Death Roe (#4.15)" (2005)
Tommy Onerato: [pouring glasses of grappa] Cin cin!
Detective Alexandra Eames: [as Goren prepares to drink] We're on duty.
[Goren, disappointed, lowers his glass]

Detective Alexandra Eames: Gluttony. Now I know why it made the short list of Deadly Sins.

"Law & Order: Criminal Intent: Badge (#1.20)" (2002)
Detective Alexandra Eames: Gee, I need a hanky.

Detective Alexandra Eames: Clerical error, my ass. She got to him.

"Law & Order: Criminal Intent: Crazy (#1.12)" (2002)
Detective Alexandra Eames: [about the murder of a soon-to-be-divorced man] I guess the custody issue's been worked out.

Detective Robert Goren: [discussing a murder victim] Alimony orders: Feldman was pulling down $700,000 a year, and the judge awarded Mrs. Feldman $1,000 a month. Out of five million in community assets, Mrs. Feldman gets $300,000.
Detective Alexandra Eames: Who *is* this judge, the Honorable O.J.?

"Law & Order: Criminal Intent: Monster (#2.15)" (2003)
Detective Robert Goren: Mark, he told us that there's three varieties of murder groupies: victims, psychos, and shrinks.
Detective Alexandra Eames: He said with you he's got "three mints in one."
Chantal Fielding: Oh! That loser!

Naomi: It was an accident. Mark needs to feel powerful, but he doesn't need to kill.
Detective Alexandra Eames: If only his mother had given him that kind of understanding.

"Law & Order: Criminal Intent: Jones (#1.5)" (2001)
Detective Alexandra Eames: Big day for little women.

Detective Alexandra Eames: The train's about to run out of gravy.

"Law & Order: Criminal Intent: In the Dark (#4.6)" (2004)
Detective Robert Goren: They're an interesting couple.
Detective Alexandra Eames: Yeah: The Killer and Mrs. Magoo.

Detective Alexandra Eames: [talking to Vicki Hale about her husband] He loves you to death. To nine deaths.

"Law & Order: Criminal Intent: Ill-Bred (#3.18)" (2004)
Detective Alexandra Eames: When I was a kid, I used to dream about living on a horse farm.
Detective Robert Goren: That's a nice dream - for a horse.

"Law & Order: Criminal Intent: Gemini (#3.2)" (2003)
[last lines]
Detective Alexandra Eames: The tango just goes on.

"Law & Order: Criminal Intent: Dead (#2.1)" (2002)
Susan Rowan: Why are you showing me this?
Detective Alexandra Eames: This is what your husband does for a living: he kills people.
Detective Robert Goren: That's how he paid for this car, the house, the condo in Florida.

"Law & Order: Criminal Intent: The Pardoner's Tale (#1.8)" (2001)
Detective Alexandra Eames: Give it up, garbage boy!

"Law & Order: Criminal Intent: The Faithful (#1.4)" (2001)
Kevin Donovan: You're way too hot to be a cop.
Detective Alexandra Eames: You're way too smart to think I'm gonna fall for that.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Acceptable Loss (#14.4)" (2012)
Lieutenant Alexandra Eames: They all have a reason. Something.
Detective Olivia Benson: And that's how you break them. Get them to tell their story.
Lieutenant Alexandra Eames: Isn't that how you do it?
Detective Olivia Benson: Well, I don't normally do it leaning over sideways.
[Mimicks the lean. They both laugh]
Lieutenant Alexandra Eames: I learned that from my partner at Major Case. It was his way of keeping eye contact.
Detective Olivia Benson: It's a little eccentric.
Lieutenant Alexandra Eames: You have no idea.
Detective Olivia Benson: Okay.
Lieutenant Alexandra Eames: All that time together, the two of us... it was like we were married.
Detective Olivia Benson: [Knowingly] But you weren't.

"Law & Order: Criminal Intent: Best Defense (#2.4)" (2002)
[last lines]
Detective Alexandra Eames: He'll get over it... just like Peter Bonham.

"Law & Order: Criminal Intent: Loyalty: Part 2 (#9.2)" (2010)
Detective Alexandra Eames: You think he's the money trail?
Detective Robert Goren: I am going to try and find out.
Detective Alexandra Eames: I really feel I should try to talk you out of this.
Detective Robert Goren: But that's always been a wasted effort.
Detective Alexandra Eames: Yeah,
Detective Alexandra Eames: right.

"Law & Order: Criminal Intent: Self-made (#7.7)" (2007)
Captain Danny Ross: He still drive a Jag?
Detective Alexandra Eames: A new one every three years. Just like his harassment lawsuits.

"Law & Order: Criminal Intent: Shrink-Wrapped (#3.15)" (2004)
Detective Robert Goren: Looks like you might have done it, huh? Sent Dad to jail?
Camilla Barnes: I don't want that.
Detective Robert Goren: For once you snatched victory from the jaws of your mother. You showed your parents just how smart you really are.
Camilla Barnes: They know. They raised me.
Detective Alexandra Eames: Raised you? Wolves would have done a better job.

"Law & Order: Criminal Intent: The Saint (#3.16)" (2004)
Detective Alexandra Eames: One fake miracle, two real deaths.

"Law & Order: Criminal Intent: A Murderer Among Us (#3.7)" (2003)
Detective G. Lynn Bishop: If it's all right, I'd like to go with you.
Detective Alexandra Eames: [Eames is pregnant] Sure, you can carry me up the stairs.

"Law & Order: Criminal Intent: Malignant (#2.6)" (2002)
[Goren climbs up on the pharmacy counter]
Cardenas: Excuse me, that...
Detective Alexandra Eames: Don't worry, he does this all the time.

"Law & Order: Criminal Intent: In the Wee Small Hours: Part 2 (#5.7)" (2005)
Detective Robert Goren: [checking suspicious ink spills on a suspect's desk] I'm checking to see which ones are fresh.
Detective Alexandra Eames: They must love you in the produce section.

"Law & Order: Criminal Intent: Smothered (#1.3)" (2001)
Detective Alexandra Eames: What is that?
Detective Robert Goren: Fish scale.
Detective Alexandra Eames: Great, she was attacked by a shark.
Detective Robert Goren: Sharks don't have scales.
Detective Alexandra Eames: [rolls eyes]

"Law & Order: Criminal Intent: View from Up Here (#4.10)" (2005)
Detective Alexandra Eames: The fancier the building, the bigger the vermin in the walls.

"Law & Order: Criminal Intent: Graansha (#2.21)" (2003)
Detective Alexandra Eames: The whole idea's so primitive: An arranged marriage, in this day and age.
A.D.A. Ron Carver: [nodding] Yes. Especially in light of the stunning success people have in choosing their own mates... in this day and age.

"Law & Order: Criminal Intent: The Last Street in Manhattan (#10.4)" (2011)
Detective Alexandra Eames: I tried Proust in college; I gave up after the first million pages.
Detective Robert Goren: It picks up after the second million pages.

"Law & Order: Criminal Intent: Cuba Libre (#2.16)" (2003)
Dempsey Powers: You're a devil.
Detective Alexandra Eames: You should see me in a blue dress.
Dempsey Powers: Yeah, well I ain't afraid of the devil.

"Law & Order: Criminal Intent: In the Wee Small Hours: Part 1 (#5.6)" (2005)
[Goren and Logan, dressed in similar dark suits, leave to interview a witness; Eames and Barak watch them go]
Detective Alexandra Eames: There they go. Ocean's Two.

"Law & Order: Criminal Intent: One (#1.1)" (2001)
Detective Alexandra Eames: She got her hands on this, why she didn't run?
Detective Robert Goren: It wasn't about that, it was about him.
Detective Alexandra Eames: Men come and go, but diamonds...
Detective Robert Goren: Diamonds don't keep you warm at night.

"Law & Order: Criminal Intent: Collective (#4.12)" (2005)
Detective Alexandra Eames: No wonder he was angry. She stole his robot.

"Law & Order: Criminal Intent: Alpha Dog (#8.15)" (2009)
Detective Robert Goren: [referring to the murder victim] He embraced good causes.
Detective Alexandra Eames: He also embraced any woman who got close enough for a smell test.

"Law & Order: Criminal Intent: Cherry Red (#2.19)" (2003)
Stan Coffman: [to Goren] You know, you're awfully snoopy.
Detective Alexandra Eames: A lot of people point that out.

"Law & Order: Criminal Intent: Loyalty: Part 1 (#9.1)" (2010)
Detective Alexandra Eames: [after Rodgers gives an update on what she found during Broidy's autopsy] Anything else?
Dr. Elizabeth Rodgers: He had a taco for lunch.

"Law & Order: Criminal Intent: Rispetto (#10.1)" (2011)
Detective Alexandra Eames: [reading a victim's text message] You're a lying bitch, I pray to God you burn in hell.

"Law & Order: Criminal Intent: Acts of Contrition (#5.5)" (2005)
Detective Alexandra Eames: [to Detective Goren] You're the lapsed altar boy.

"Law & Order: Criminal Intent: Brother's Keeper (#6.15)" (2007)
Detective Alexandra Eames: [finding gay porn in the reverend's desk drawer] One of these things is not like the others.

"Law & Order: Criminal Intent: Probability (#2.14)" (2003)
Detective Alexandra Eames: [to Goren] I didn't know you had an older, geekier brother.

"Law & Order: Criminal Intent: Trophy Wine (#10.5)" (2011)
Detective Alexandra Eames: [encountering an unexpected presence] Juliet!... And her Romeo.

"Law & Order: Criminal Intent: Vanishing Act (#7.17)" (2008)
Detective Alexandra Eames: How'd you find her, craigslist?
Carmine: Who's Craig?

"Law & Order: Criminal Intent: On Fire (#5.21)" (2006)
Charlie Taylor: [sees a race car wreck on TV; squeals] Woo-hoo! Look at that!
Detective Robert Goren: You like car races?
Charlie Taylor: Oh yeah! I got a *need* for *speed*! I'm, not that I break the law any more officer. I got plenty enough tickets to last me a life-time, but no DUI's. I don't drink. I got an allergy.
Detective Robert Goren: Your job. Your always climbing around in those vents, that's dangerous, huh?
Charlie Taylor: It's fun!
Detective Robert Goren: [to Eames] Dangerous and fun.
Detective Alexandra Eames: [deadpan] Woo-hoo.

"Law & Order: Criminal Intent: Semi-Professional (#1.15)" (2002)
Detective Alexandra Eames: [hearing a description of a suspect] Well, that fits our profile.
[Bobby stops and stares at her]
Detective Alexandra Eames: I only pretend not to listen to you.

"Law & Order: Criminal Intent: Enemy Within (#1.10)" (2001)
Detective Alexandra Eames: If I were in this family, I'd probably drink, too.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Poisoned Motive (#14.22)" (2013)
Captain Donald Cragen: Gloria Montero is 25. She was recently expelled from the police academy. She's Army trained, took a general discharge two years ago.
Olivia Benson: The body inside the car has been identified as Yolanda Brooks, a traffic enforcement agent who ticketed Montero's vehicle.
Alexandra Eames: Montero's a highly efficient marksman. Daughter of a retired detective. She knows how we think, how we work.
Olivia Benson: She's known to have purchased several automatic weapons in Philly at a gun show after her dismissal from the academy.
Detective Nick Amaro: We have a report of a white delivery van, stolen in the area. We have the plate number out on the license recognition system.
Captain Donald Cragen: She is to be considered armed and dangerous.

"Law & Order: Criminal Intent: Major Case (#8.14)" (2009)
Detective Zach Nichols: [looking at victim's keepsake photo, then sighing] Grace kept this on her pillow, like it was a dream - some place to get away from all this.
Detective Alexandra Eames: I heard you got away for a few years. You feeling some kind of kindred spirit?
Detective Zach Nichols: Nah, I try to avoid transferrential relationships with dead people - it's always so one-sided.

"Law & Order: Criminal Intent: The Good Doctor (#1.9)" (2001)
Detective Alexandra Eames: The woman has boyfriends coming out of her ears!