Joe Fontana
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Quotes for
Joe Fontana (Character)
from "Law & Order" (1990)

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"Law & Order: Kingmaker (#16.20)" (2006)
Detective Ed Green: So somebody shoots her, drags her all the way up there just to throw her back down?
Detective Joe Fontana: Yeah, and bulls-eyes a squad car.
Detective Ed Green: That domestic disturbance call was bogus.
Detective Joe Fontana: I'd like to know who she pissed off.

Detective Ed Green: Lieu, you ain't gonna believe this.
Lt. Anita Van Buren: Her picture's in the damn paper.
Detective Ed Green: It's a column about her father, Tom Baker. He wrote a book, and it says that she's NYPD.
Lt. Anita Van Buren: Why didn't anyone catch this and pull her off detail?
Detective Joe Fontana: It may have been too late anyway. It appeared on page thirty of the late edition.
Lt. Anita Van Buren: So Ratko pulled the trigger, but this is what got Dana killed.
Detective Joe Fontana: It's the same as if someone pushed her in front of a damn bus.
Detective Ed Green: And it was written by Veronica Drake. Now what do you think she got for outing an undercover officer?
Lt. Anita Van Buren: I'm gonna find out.

Lieutenant Sullivan: She spent the last year infiltrating an Albanian drug ring. We used heroin money to fund paramilitary groups in Kosovo.
Detective Joe Fontana: She got over as an Albanian?
Lieutenant Sullivan: Well, she spent some years in Kosovo as a teen. Her father had an embassy job with the State Department.
Lt. Anita Van Buren: We should talk to him.
Lieutenant Sullivan: He's on a flight from London. I'm gonna meet his plane at the airport.
Lt. Anita Van Buren: Okay.
Detective Ed Green: [approaching] Hey. The cell that made the 911 domestic disturbance call was a disposable, so it was probably dumped.
Lt. Anita Van Buren: Did she ever suggest that the Albanians were onto her?
Lieutenant Sullivan: No, no, no, no. I'd have pulled her out.
Lt. Anita Van Buren: Well, that phony call and her hitting the patrol car was not a coincidence. Her cover was blown.
Lieutenant Sullivan: Then she wasn't aware of it. Dana was no cowboy.

"Law & Order: Cut (#15.6)" (2004)
Hotel Manager: Excuse me, have you any idea when you'll be done in here? The hotel is fully committed.
Detective Joe Fontana: This is a crime scene. It... it says so right there on the tape.
Hotel Manager: Yes, but that doesn't tell me when I get the room back.
Detective Joe Fontana: Can I see you just for a sec?
[he leads the manager a couple feet into the room]
Detective Joe Fontana: It's gonna take however long it takes, do you understand me? And if you get in our way, or don't cooperate with us, we're gonna turn this whole hotel into a crime scene. And that's gonna be really bad for business. Now, excuse us.

Detective Joe Fontana: So are you a Cubs fan or a White Sox fan?
Angela Gusmarino: How'd you know?
Detective Joe Fontana: You're kidding me, right? You sound just like my cousin Rose.
Angela Gusmarino: Cubs, of course.
Detective Joe Fontana: Me, too. What neighborhood you from?
Angela Gusmarino: The Patch.
Detective Joe Fontana: I'm from Little Sicily. I went to St. Michael's.
Angela Gusmarino: No kidding. My little brother went to St. Mike's.
Detective Joe Fontana: What's your last name?
Angela Gusmarino: Gusmarino.
Detective Joe Fontana: Are you related to Nick Gusmarino?
Angela Gusmarino: He's my uncle.
Detective Joe Fontana: I'll be damned. It's a small world, isn't it?

Detective Joe Fontana: I had a conversation last night with Angela Gusmarino's uncle.
Jack McCoy: Yes?
Detective Joe Fontana: And he heard a rumor that Angela and Dr. Lawrence had an affair; that the affair ended badly, and that's why Angela's testifying against him.
Jack McCoy: Any proof of that?
Detective Joe Fontana: I talked to some of the women in the office; no one knew anything about it. But I thought I'd tell you about it. In case the defense heard the same rumor, you wouldn't get caught in the switches.
Jack McCoy: What do you think?
Detective Joe Fontana: I think Angela Gusmarino is a straight shooter.
Jack McCoy: Maybe the defense started the rumor, got cold feet.
Detective Joe Fontana: Could be. In any case, I hope you nail the son of a bitch to the wall.

"Law & Order: Fixed (#15.11)" (2004)
[a paroled ex-con has been murdered]
Det. Joe Fontana: I love a public service homicide, don't you?

Captain Donald Cragen: Lowenstein was a coked-out crazy creep. He used Carla as a punching bag for years. Bruises, broken bones. By the time we got there, her jaw was so swollen, she couldn't talk.
Detective Ed Green: What about the little girl?
Captain Donald Cragen: She was black, blue, and burned. When I'm having a bad night, this is the one that comes back and haunts me.
Detective Ed Green: His P.O. said he had a son?
Captain Donald Cragen: Ezra. Two years old. Malnourished, neglected. Spent most of his time tied to the radiator like a dog.
Det. Joe Fontana: Parole officer also said that he's living on Long Island.
Captain Donald Cragen: I'll get you a name and address. He was doing well last I heard.
Detective Ed Green: Happy ending, considering.
Captain Donald Cragen: Speaking of happy endings, how's Lowenstein?
Det. Joe Fontana: Well, he's still on the critical list.
Captain Donald Cragen: I hope he lingers a long time in excruciating pain.

Detective Ed Green: Sheryl, do you know why he was in prison?
Sheryl: I was, like, in grammar school when that happened. If it happened.
Det. Joe Fontana: So, uh, you're not worried about any of this?
Sheryl: About what?
Detective Ed Green: Okay, listen. We're gonna give you a card. If you need anything.
Sheryl: What would I need?
Detective Ed Green: How did you two meet?
Sheryl: Oh, uh, I read an article about him, and then I wrote him a letter, and he wrote back. So I looked him up on the Corrections Department website. They even had a map and instructions.
Det. Joe Fontana: Must have made visiting day a snap.
Sheryl: Yeah, well, we just wanna put this all behind us. You know, get married, get on with our lives. Jake's so good with my kids.
Detective Ed Green: You have kids?
Sheryl: Yeah, a boy and girl. They've been so happy since he moved in with us.
Det. Joe Fontana: Wait a second. This guy is living with you?
Sheryl: Since he left the halfway house.
Det. Joe Fontana: Well, what the hell is the matter with you? If you want to screw up your own life, be our guest, it's a free country. But to bring this guy into your house with your kids?

"Law & Order: Flaw (#16.2)" (2005)
Olivia Benson: So what do we got?
Detective Ed Green: I'm not sure. Now, you didn't get any strange phone calls last night? Any messages, anything logged in as a miscall?
Olivia Benson: No. And you're certain that your vic was trying to call me?
Detective Joe Fontana: His life flashed before his eyes. You were the star player.
Olivia Benson: And you say his name is Patrick Sullivan?
Detective Ed Green: Ring any bells?
Olivia Benson: None.
Detective Joe Fontana: Maybe his face will.
Olivia Benson: [Green pulls back the sheet over the victim] Never seen him before in my life.
Detective Joe Fontana: Which begs the question...
Olivia Benson: Why did he die trying to call me?

Olivia Benson: Real piece of work. That's Lorraine Dillon. The blonde is April Troost, her daughter. 25, IQ off the charts, but good luck trying to find a heartbeat.
Detective Joe Fontana: You had 'em on racketeering?
Olivia Benson: And they walked. Not this time.
Detective Joe Fontana: You realize this is a long shot?
Olivia Benson: Sullivan died trying to call me. You were right. This was personal.

"Law & Order: Tombstone (#15.20)" (2005)
Detective Joe Fontana: I'm thinking. Just thinking.

Executive A.D.A. Jack McCoy: Be careful, Detective.
Detective Joe Fontana: [rises off the bench and gets in Jack's face. With quiet menace] You work your side of the street, McCoy. I'll work mine.

"Law & Order: The Dead Wives Club (#15.2)" (2004)
Detective Joe Fontana: When you were a kid, did you ever call your old man by his first name?
Detective Ed Green: Not unless I wanted to smell the Aqua Velva on the back of his hand.

Pancho Diamond: What the hell is this?
Detective Joe Fontana: I'm gonna tell you what it is, Agent Diamond. It's my tailor made, Italian silk shirt with his blood on it. A little thing we like to call evidence. You take it, and you run a toxicology screen. And by the way, I'm billing the FBI.

"Law & Order: Acid (#16.10)" (2005)
Barrington: The clientele at Rock Ridge insists on anonymity.
Detective Joe Fontana: Look, pal, it's been a very long day. Will you just please give us the name?
Barrington: Please don't raise your voice, sir.
Detective Joe Fontana: Don't tell me not to raise my voice. We've come all the way up here from New York.
Barrington: It doesn't matter if you came all the way from the Vatican. We don't release the names of our clientele.
Detective Ed Green: Hey, look here, before my partner smacks you, let me show you what kind of work your clientele does.
[showing Barrington pictures of Emily]
Detective Ed Green: This is before. This is after.

Dr. Elizabeth Rodgers: Emily Newton's tox screen. Positive for zolpidem and Oxycodone. It's Ambien and Percocet, which she was prescribed by the burn unit. But on the night she died, she took a handful of each.
Detective Ed Green: You said she died of strangulation.
Dr. Elizabeth Rodgers: She did. After she drugged herself into oblivion.
Detective Joe Fontana: She doped herself up so she wouldn't feel anything.
Dr. Elizabeth Rodgers: All she had to do was get on a chair, rig the noose, and wait for the cocktail to kick in.

"Law & Order: Fluency (#15.14)" (2005)
Dr. Elizabeth Rodgers: Cause of death, acute pulmonary edema. A direct result of the flu.
Detective Ed Green: So why'd you call us here?
Dr. Elizabeth Rodgers: His parents said he got a flu shot about a month ago, so I pulled his pediatrician's chart. According to the records, he was vaccinated, but when I ran blood titers, he had no antibodies.
Detective Joe Fontana: And he should have had?
Dr. Elizabeth Rodgers: If he'd been immunized, absolutely.
Detective Ed Green: I still don't get why we're here.
Dr. Elizabeth Rodgers: Well, there have been a lot of flu-related deaths in the past few weeks. I went through the autopsy records and found half a dozen other victims who had also supposedly been vaccinated but had no antibodies.
Detective Joe Fontana: Supposedly?
Dr. Elizabeth Rodgers: These people were not injected with the flu vaccine. They couldn't have been.
Detective Ed Green: It wasn't just a bad batch of the vaccine?
Dr. Elizabeth Rodgers: Even with an expired or a contaminated vaccine, there'd still be antibodies.
Detective Ed Green: So if it wasn't the vaccine, what were they injected with?
Dr. Elizabeth Rodgers: Good question. Now, there's no sign of anything toxic, so it has to be something neutral. Sterile saline solution, maybe.
Detective Joe Fontana: So these people all thought they were getting vaccinated. They weren't, and get the flu anyway and it killed 'em?
Dr. Elizabeth Rodgers: Exactly.
Detective Joe Fontana: [to Green] We could be looking at a whole bunch of homicides here.
Dr. Elizabeth Rodgers: That's why I called you.

Detective Joe Fontana: I hate going to Jersey. I always get lost.

"Law & Order: Paradigm (#15.1)" (2004)
[knock on Van Buren's door]
Lt. Anita Van Buren: Can I help you?
Det. Joe Fontana: I'm Fontana.
Lt. Anita Van Buren: Oh, hey, Anita Van Buren. This is your new partner.
Det. Ed Green: Hey, man. Ed Green.
Det. Joe Fontana: It's about time they gave me a partner with a little smooth.

Det. Joe Fontana: I didn't realize I got transfered into the local chapter of Amnesty International.

"Law & Order: Publish and Perish (#15.21)" (2005)
[Discussing a murdered porn star]
Detective Nick Falco: The porn world is gonna be in mourning tonight.
Detective Joe Fontana: I wonder what they fly at half-mast?

Detective Joe Fontana: So, what do we have?
Detective Nick Falco: Samantha Savage. One in the chest.
Detective Joe Fontana: Samantha Savage the porn star?
Detective Nick Falco: It's kind of hard to tell with her clothes on, but yeah. One of the uniforms recognized a tattoo on her neck. Broken heart.
Detective Joe Fontana: Must be a close student of her work. Who found the body?
Detective Nick Falco: Kid who lives across the street. Him and his buddy saw her through the window with binoculars. Said they were doing a little bird watching before school.
Detective Joe Fontana: I'll bet they were.

"Law & Order: Cry Wolf (#15.8)" (2004)
Detective Ed Green: You know Tina was seeing Ruffino, too, right?
Christoff: I didn't like it, but I was in no position to tell her what to do.
Detective Joe Fontana: Does he know about you?
Christoff: I don't think so. Wait a minute, you don't think that's why he might've tried to bump me off, do you?
Detective Joe Fontana: [sarcastic] Hmm, let me take a guess... yeah, it's a thought.

"Law & Order: Trial by Jury: Skeleton (#1.8)" (2005)
Det. Joe Fontana: [attempting to sound stern, but with affection] Do you have any idea how much crap I've had to go through because of you?
Detective Ed Green: [weakly, but grinning] Hey, Joe.

"Law & Order: Enemy (#15.10)" (2004)
Detective Joe Fontana: [seeing a kicked-in door at a crime scene] Whoever it was came in hard and fast.

"Law & Order: Ghosts (#16.3)" (2005)
Jack McCoy: What the hell do you think you're doing, detective?
Detective Joe Fontana: Excuse me?
Jack McCoy: You promised Nick Zona a liquor license? And you didn't tell me about it?
Detective Joe Fontana: First of all, watch your tone. It's a little over the top for my liking. And as far as Nick Zona's concerned, I promised him nothing.
Jack McCoy: That's not what he thinks.
Detective Joe Fontana: I don't control what he thinks.
Jack McCoy: What did you tell him?
Detective Joe Fontana: I told him that if he told the truth, that I would help him out down the line. I also specifically said "I can't make promises."
Jack McCoy: You know I'm required to notify the defense with respect to any promises or inducements.
Detective Joe Fontana: Hey, if I say it's not a promise, how the hell is it a promise?
Jack McCoy: Was Detective Green present?
Detective Joe Fontana: He was on the phone.
Jack McCoy: Congratulations, detective. You just destroyed the credibility of our key witness.
Detective Joe Fontana: Hey, don't lay this crap off on me! I did my job, and I did it well. If you blow this case over some self-imagined half-assed favor, that's your problem, pal, not mine.

"Law & Order: Gov Love (#15.7)" (2004)
Richard Kaplan: This is a waste of my valuable time. I'm gonna have my lawyers make a complaint to the chief of police.
Detective Joe Fontana: Hey, how come you rich guys always have to have your lawyers do your talking for you?

"Law & Order: All in the Family (#15.9)" (2004)
[Fontana and Green are questioning the bartender in an obviously mobbed up "social club"]
Detective Ed Green: If you don't talk, I'm sure Granados will.
Bartender: I thought you don't know where he is.
Detective Ed Green: Oh, we're gonna find him. Doctors say in his condition he ain't gonna get that far.
Detective Joe Fontana: [leans in close and whispers] You know what I've got here, tovarisch? Huh? In about ten seconds, I'm gonna start smilin' like a village idiot and peelin' off hundred dollar bills onto your shiny brass bar.
Bartender: What are you talkin' about?
Detective Joe Fontana: And then my partner here is gonna start droppin' "thank yous" and "tell us more" like there's no tomorrow.
Detective Ed Green: Which means, if your friends back there aren't deaf, dumb, and blind, you're gonna have a little trouble.
Bartender: Don't.... I don't know why he was here. I put him on books as favor.
Detective Ed Green: A favor to who? Andropov?
[the bartender is very reluctant to answer]
Detective Ed Green: Where's Granados?
Detective Joe Fontana: Here comes the first C-note. Is there anything you'd like us to tell your widow?
Bartender: I'll tell you what I know. There is this doctor...

"Law & Order: Age of Innocence (#16.4)" (2005)
Shelly Denton: You haven't seen them? They went on the news. They called him a monster. They called me a whore for having kids with him. When I met him, she had been like that for six years. Robert dedicated his life to her. He fought to get money for her care.
Detective Joe Fontana: Fought how?
Shelly Denton: A malpractice suit. It took him four years to get a settlement.
Detective Ed Green: How much money are we talking about?
Shelly Denton: 3.2 million.
Detective Joe Fontana: And who will control this money now?
Shelly Denton: Guess.

"Law & Order: In God We Trust (#15.23)" (2005)
Super: I can't just let you in to his apartment.
Detective Joe Fontana: Sure you can. We're authorized.

"Law & Order: Invaders (#16.22)" (2006)
Detective Ed Green: Borgia missed her hearings this morning. They sent an officer, and he found the door cracked.
Detective Joe Fontana: Last time anybody saw her was last night about ten o'clock.
Detective Ed Green: Obviously, her bag's still here. Her cell phone was over here.
Lt. Anita Van Buren: Hell of a struggle from the looks of it.
Detective Joe Fontana: Yeah, we think they forced their way in.

"Law & Order: House of Cards (#16.7)" (2005)
Det. Joe Fontana: He seems like a pretty stand-up guy.
Lt. Anita Van Buren: Yeah, well, so did Scott Peterson.

"Law & Order: Red Ball (#16.1)" (2005)
Detective Joe Fontana: Boy, would I like to do this the old-fashioned way. 15 minutes with Jacobs, I guarantee you, we'd have that kid.
Detective Ed Green: If it comes to that, you're gonna have to get in line behind me.