Lennie Briscoe
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Quotes for
Lennie Briscoe (Character)
from "Law & Order" (1990)

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"Law & Order: Couples (#13.23)" (2003)
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Can't say I blame his brother. I've known Rafael less than a day and *I* wan't to kill him...

Detective Lennie Briscoe: Love: a devastating disease instantly cured by marriage.

Dr. Elizabeth Rodgers: [referring to murder victim] Tox screen shows she had one drink, tops. No signs of sex.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Sounds like my last date.

Maitre D': [referring to the victim and her husband] She gave him a big hug.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: No kiss?
Maitre D': You married?
Detective Lennie Briscoe: I've toyed with the notion.

Detective Ed Green: How do you suppose Rafael put in his eight hours at the office and had dinner with the missus at the same time?
Detective Lennie Briscoe: If I knew, maybe I could have held onto wife number two.

Detective Lennie Briscoe: [referring to Rafael Celaya] Married ***and*** a Mets fan - he's a glutton for punishment.

Don Perazzo's mistress: [after Don Parazzo has been run over by his wife] You know he just leased that Cadillac for her about a month ago?
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Turns out a Volkswagen might have been a safer bet.

Detective Lennie Briscoe: [Rafael Celaya is moaning in the back of the police car] From what I've been told at least I was a happy drunk.
Detective Ed Green: From what ***I've*** been told, I wouldn't go that far.

Detective Lennie Briscoe: Three deaths and a kidnapping; I'm only on my second cup of coffee!

Detective Ed Green: You were cheating on your husband with Reynaldo, and Marcela was cheating on Reynaldo with somebody else: am I getting this right?
Patricia Botten: Happens all the time, at least around here.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: And all this time I've been living in the wrong housing complex.

Detective Lennie Briscoe: Was it Cain who slept with Abel's wife, or the other way around? I forget.

Rafael Celaya: [referring to the victim] She was an evil woman, you know? She was married to Reynaldo and she was cheating on him.
Detective Ed Green: With you!
Rafael Celaya: She'd cheat on him, she'd cheat on me soon enough!
Detective Lennie Briscoe: You guys are weird, Rafael, but it's hard to believe you're ***that*** weird.

Detective Lennie Briscoe: [about to assist in an emergency childbirth] All right, uh, bring me some towels and boil some water.
Detective Ed Green: Do doctors really do that?
Detective Lennie Briscoe: George Clooney does, and that's good enough for me.

Lt. Anita Van Buren: [referring to babies] She couldn't have one of her own, so she figured she'd take someone else's?
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Worked for Tony B.
Detective Ed Green: Who's that?
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Took my bike when I was 12.

Detective Ed Green: [answering his cellphone, about to go home after the dealing with three murders and one kidnapping in one day] We've got a jumper!
Detective Lennie Briscoe: I may join him
[cut to closing credits]

Detective Lennie Briscoe: [shirt soaked, after arresting Reynaldo Celaya in a carwash] Does this say wash and wear?

"Law & Order: Marathon (#10.6)" (1999)
Diego Garza: Should I say how I didn't mean to do it?
Det. Lennie Briscoe: You mean how you only killed him because he wouldn't give you his watch? Yeah, put that in there, the D.A. would really like that.

Detective Ed Green: Your boss witnessed a felony, Roger.
Roger Meeks: What are you talking about?
Detective Ed Green: The gun you sold Bobby Sabo?
Roger Meeks: I'm gonna get fired.
Det. Lennie Briscoe: I don't really care. If you come clean with us, maybe you're not gonna get arrested.

Detective Ed Green: I heard the news. We get the gun, they toss it. We get the confession...
Det. Lennie Briscoe: "We"?
Detective Ed Green: I've been saying "we" to cover your ass, out of respect for you.
Det. Lennie Briscoe: Well, I don't need that kind of respect.
Detective Ed Green: Good. 'Cause I've been walking on eggshells ever since we caught this case.
Det. Lennie Briscoe: It's about as long as you've been pissing me off.
Detective Ed Green: Pissing you off? Why? Because I don't blend in with the rest of the roaches?
Det. Lennie Briscoe: Oh, is that what this is about? Because you know that's not how I meant that.
Detective Ed Green: No, no, no, I will tell you what I know. If it wasn't for your screw ups, we'd have nailed this guy a long time ago.
Det. Lennie Briscoe: My screw ups? Your stuff's been getting thrown out of court ever since you got here.
Detective Ed Green: Well, maybe I take chances because my partner can't get it up.
Det. Lennie Briscoe: Or maybe you just get off on taking chances.
Lt. Anita Van Buren: [hearing the commotion] Briscoe! In my office.

Lt. Anita Van Buren: I just heard from the D.A. They cut a deal with Bobby Sabo.
Det. Lennie Briscoe: [sarcastic] No needle? Big surprise.
Lt. Anita Van Buren: No, six to twelve.
Det. Lennie Briscoe: What, years or weeks?
Lt. Anita Van Buren: Sabo gave up the Murray Hill rapist. They collared the guy two hours ago.
[Briscoe and Green turn to leave]
Lt. Anita Van Buren: And Lennie? McCoy says Sabo copped to the confession.
Det. Lennie Briscoe: [sarcastic again] How nice of my pal Bobby. And tell him I plan on doing this job from my wheelchair.

Det. Lennie Briscoe: Don't do me any favors.
Detective Ed Green: I'm not. LaMotte's working a ten by six. I don't need a double shift tonight.
Det. Lennie Briscoe: Yeah, nobody's calling you a liar.
Detective Ed Green: I never called you a liar.
Det. Lennie Briscoe: The hell you didn't. What was all that back in the squad room?
Detective Ed Green: You got it wrong, Lennie. I'm not the enemy here.
Det. Lennie Briscoe: Yeah? I don't know what you are.

Det. Lennie Briscoe: You want to look over this DD-5 before I file it?
Detective Ed Green: Sure. Lucky he 'fessed up.
Det. Lennie Briscoe: Yep, lucky.
Detective Ed Green: How'd you get it out of him so quick?
Det. Lennie Briscoe: What's that mean?
Detective Ed Green: I'm just saying it's pretty amazing. You're alone with the guy for ten seconds and he gives it up.
Det. Lennie Briscoe: You don't believe it happened?
Detective Ed Green: Hey, I'm just asking how.
Det. Lennie Briscoe: I've been doing this for twenty-five years. I think I've earned the right not to be second guessed.

Marisol Benitez: [Briscoe and Green are searching her car] Hey, don't put your shoes on my seat.
Detective Ed Green: Back seat's clean.
Marisol Benitez: You satisfied now?
Det. Lennie Briscoe: You like Pizza Land?
Marisol Benitez: What do you care?
Det. Lennie Briscoe: Well, maybe you want to eat what's in the bag.
[Lennie pulls a gun out of the bag]
Det. Lennie Briscoe: .25.
Marisol Benitez: That stupid Bobby, I'm gonna kill him.
Detective Ed Green: Be our guest.

Det. Lennie Briscoe: Ed gave the bike to Latent. Ruiz is still sticking with "finder's keepers".

Detective Ed Green: Daytime stickup. Haven't seen one of those in a while.
Det. Lennie Briscoe: Yeah. A real blast from the past.

Det. Lennie Briscoe: Uh, can I have that transcript I threw at you?

"Law & Order: Survivor (#7.4)" (1996)
Detective Lennie Briscoe: You're the Contessa of Alto-Perugia?
Sophie Mercier: [strong southern US accent] That's right. "Alto" means upper.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: I take it you're from the southern part of the upper?
Sophie Mercier: South Carolina, actually. My late husband, the Count, was from Italy. We met at a golf tournament in Florida.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: He was a golfer?
Sophie Mercier: No: he sold cookware.

Sophie Mercier: [referring to Peterson] He's a friend of mine too.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Does he make you laugh?
Sophie Mercier: [flirtatiously] Detective, I believe you're trying to make me laugh!

Richard Peterson: [hands Briscoe a historic coin] Here, touch this. Feel that. Plato might have bought lettuce with that coin. Pericles may have had his sandals fixed, hired a prostitute, bought a slave...
Detective Lennie Briscoe: [hands coin to Curtis] ... bribed a cop?

Detective Lennie Briscoe: How come rich guys always owe a billion dollars?
Detective Rey Curtis: High finance, Lennie!

Lt. Anita Van Buren: Latent came up empty on the murder weapon: the surface was bumpy.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: From now on, we'll have to issue smooth lead pipes to all the murderers.

Detective Lennie Briscoe: [referring to Peterson] You didn't happen to overhear what he was talking about on his phone, did you?
Gianni Agnelli: [sarcastically] Sure! I became the most popular restaurant in Soho by listening to my customers' conversations and telling the police.

Sally Champlin: [referring to Peterson] I invited him back to my place for coffee.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: You invite all your interview subjects home, or just the rich ones?
Sally Champlin: What do you think? Anyway, he passed.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: [looks her up and down] Unbelievable!
Sally Champlin: No kidding. 'Cause I make great coffee!

Detective Lennie Briscoe: [searching Peterson's apartment] Nice suits, nice carpet. You could put a swimming pool in that closet.
Detective Rey Curtis: Yeah Lennie, but is he happy?
Detective Lennie Briscoe: [laughing] I'd be ecstatic!

"Law & Order: D-Girl (#7.15)" (1997)
Detective Lennie Briscoe: [referring to Curtis's marital breakup] I thought if you said enough "Hail Mary"s, all was forgiven.
Detective Rey Curtis: God forgives you, not your wife.

Detective Lennie Briscoe: [Trying to identify the victim from her breast implants] Cheer up Rey, could be worse.
Detective Rey Curtis: Yeah, the torso could have had a hip replacement.

Detective Lennie Briscoe: [to Lisa Lundquist, after she has asked Curtis to take a look at a screenplay] Hey, why don't you take him to dinner? Go ahead, pick his brain all night!
Lisa Lundquist: Well, that'd be great! I don't expect you to do it for free. We can work out some sort of consulting fee.
Detective Rey Curtis: Not eating with Lennie is payment enough.

Detective Lennie Briscoe: [walking along the beach] I've still got the wrong shoes. Feel like Nixon at San Clemente.

Detective Rey Curtis: You see what you got me into?
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Yeah, I got you a date with a real good-looking woman: I'm a real son of a bitch.

Detective Rey Curtis: [to Lundquist, after their dinner] Take this. It's my room key: 912. It's all yours!
Detective Rey Curtis: I'll stay with Lennie.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: [after Curtis moves into his room] What! She wanted to shack up, and you turned her down?
Detective Rey Curtis: I told her I was married.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Why? Rey, you should not disappoint this woman. She provided valuable information - and she looks great!

A.D.A. Jamie Ross: Grant's lawyer wants to meet as soon as possible. He might be looking for a plea.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Oh, that's too bad. I was hoping this time Grant might escape to the Bahamas.

Detective Lennie Briscoe: Rey, all I know is you're young, unattached, devillishly handsome and we're going to LA! If that isn't destiny, what is?

"Law & Order: Empire (#9.20)" (1999)
Detective Rey Curtis: [in victim's home] Beautiful wife, beautiful kids, beautiful sailboat.
Uniform Policeman: [points to bra on chair] Maybe not thinking straight got him in this jam in the first place.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Looks like he got SOMETHING straight!

Detective Lennie Briscoe: [hearing the victim had high level of Viagra in his blood] The stuff's safe as oysters, right?
Dr. Elizabeth Rodgers: It's the speediest approval in FDA history. Those old farts couldn't wait to get their own hands on it.

Lt. Anita Van Buren: [asking why Briscoe and Curtis think that Sanderson's death was the result of foul play] What are we going on here?
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Man's intuition. Hey, after a certain age there's two things a guy has, he doesn't want to screw up.
Lt. Anita Van Buren: Uh - his golf swing, and the remote control?
Detective Lennie Briscoe: His heart, and his, you know, "plumbing".

Katrina Ludlow: Detective, Curtis, right?
[Curtis nods]
Katrina Ludlow: Is "Detective" your first name?
Detective Rey Curtis: Rey.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Hey, you can call me "Lennie" as long as we're getting to know each other.

Jack McCoy: [after Spector has been found guilty] We brought down the rhino, Adam. The system won.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: So how come he's the one doing the celebrating?
A.D.A. Abbie Carmichael: Bail continued pending his appeal, which could be two years from now.
D.A. Adam Schiff: That's not why. Don't you people read the business section? As of last night his bond for the stadium is fully subscribed.
A.D.A. Abbie Carmichael: So killing Sanderson gave him enough time to get his finances in order.
D.A. Adam Schiff: Groundbreaking ceremony's next week. I got my invitation this morning.
Jack McCoy: A hollow victory, Adam. He'll be watching the games live from his stadium on television, along with his fellow inmates.
D.A. Adam Schiff: He's still got a better seat than Sanderson.

Detective Lennie Briscoe: A guy doesn't take Viagra just to have fun with himself. So they tell me.

"Law & Order: DNR (#10.3)" (1999)
Det. Ed Green: There must be ten, fifteen grand here. Where'd you get the money, Bobby?
Bobby: Bite me!
Det. Lennie Briscoe: [to Ed] Go ahead. Bite him.

Det. Ed Green: A civil court judge needs a gun?
Det. Lennie Briscoe: Maybe she hands out too much alimony.

Det. Lennie Briscoe: You find the slugs?
CSU Jessica Reed: No. Blood over here can't be hers. She might've hit him two out of two. Good shooting.
Det. Lennie Briscoe: Fair. Good would be him laying here dead.

Det. Ed Green: APB went out quick. If the carjacker's got two gunshot wounds, how far can he get? I'm feeling lucky.
Det. Lennie Briscoe: Last time I got lucky was 1986.
Det. Ed Green: It's all in the attitude, Lennie.

Det. Lennie Briscoe: You got no record. Why do you want to do this the hard way?
Det. Ed Green: Nice leather upholstery. Cleans up pretty good, but not good enough.
Dr. Matthew Carton: What's that mean?
Det. Ed Green: Blood in the seams. You read the papers?
Det. Lennie Briscoe: A New York state judge was shot over this car. You can probably figure out what that means for you.

Anson Scott: I don't know a damn thing about any judge. I sell used cars.
Det. Lennie Briscoe: Yeah, the trouble is the people who were using 'em aren't finished with 'em yet.

"Law & Order: Smoke (#13.24)" (2003)
Detective Ed Green: People get around stars, they get stupid.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Waiting in line to see Madonna is stupid, this is a felony.

Larry Miller: You don't go into comedy for the money, I can't speak for Monty but then again I can't drive a stick shift.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Now that's funny.
Larry Miller: It wasn't supposed to be.

Detective Lennie Briscoe: [arriving at crime scene, referring to Bender] What happened: someone got tired of his routine and jumped?

Fred: [referring to Bender] You should have seen how he ate. Pizza, cheeseburger, leftover Chinese...
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Something wrong with that?
Fred: You're not funny.

Detective Ed Green: [checking Bender's financials] Damn, I wonder what a 200 dollar haircut looks like.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Kind of like a 400 dollar car-wash.

Detective Lennie Briscoe: All three of 'em have the same story.
Lt. Anita Van Buren: That's what a large bank account gets you.
[her phone rings]
Lt. Anita Van Buren: Van Buren. You're sure? Thanks.
[she hangs up]
Lt. Anita Van Buren: Well, that makes us 0 for 4. Arson investigator says he can't conclude either way.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: So this bastard's gonna walk?
Detective Ed Green: [having entered the room] Uh, maybe not. I checked the web.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: For what, millionaire perverts?
Detective Ed Green: No, I Googled Sammy Morales. Don't ask. Now, his name was all over this one website, UpYourButt.net. Now, in a deposition from a civil suit against Monty Bender, he said...
Lt. Anita Van Buren: Do I want to hear this?
Detective Ed Green: ..."Monty touched my penis with his mouth."
Lt. Anita Van Buren: The answer's no. Pick him up.

"Law & Order: Corruption (#7.5)" (1996)
Lt. John Flynn: [after shooting drug dealer] You make them when you have to, right, Lennie?
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Dead on.

Lt. John Flynn: [to fellow officers after shooting drug dealer in sting] I was just telling the fellows: a situation like this, what we strive for is a uniform recollection of events. Rat squad wants to hear the same words come out of everybody's mouth. Right, Lennie?
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Well, we don't want to confuse them.

Detective Rey Curtis: Five of us are watching and Flynn's the only one to see Morales reach for his gun.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Hey, Sonny Liston got knocked on his ass by a punch nobody saw.

Two-Tone: [after Briscoe has broken up his illegal dice game] Do I know you?
Detective Lennie Briscoe: [gesturing at Two-Tone's elaborate braids] Yeah - we got the same hairdresser.

Detective Lennie Briscoe: [seeing Hellman in the men's room] You get off on that, Judge? Humiliating innocent people?
Judge Lawrence Hellman: Are you upset because your corroborating witness is a liar and a slut?
Detective Lennie Briscoe: You sick son of a bitch!
[approaches Hellman: is restrained by Hellman's aides]
Judge Lawrence Hellman: What the hell do you think you're doing?
Detective Lennie Briscoe: You and Flynn deserve each other. I hope you both rot in hell.
[walks out]

Detective Lennie Briscoe: [talking to Flynn in church] You know the worst part, John? You used to be a good cop.

"Law & Order: Deadbeat (#7.7)" (1996)
Prostitute: [in scotch section of liquor store] Lot of good labels up there. It'd be nice to share a taste.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: You asking me for a date?
Prostitute: My mama told me never to date a cop. They fool around on you.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: [Shows her photo of victim] How about this guy? Anybody around here date him yesterday?
Prostitute: I didn't, but he's cute.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: You've been at this too long, honey. He's dead.

Detective Rey Curtis: [Referring to the victim] Hey, here we go. Michael Webber. Outstanding warrant. He's a wanted man.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Who wants him? The FBI? The Mafia? Fidel?
Detective Rey Curtis: Worse: ex-wife. The warrant's from family court. Webber v. Webber. He owed Mrs Webber for alimony and child support.

Detective Rey Curtis: How many child support payments did you ever miss, Lennie?
Detective Lennie Briscoe: My ex just kept my checkbook. If I ever forgot, she knew how to forge my signature.

Detective Rey Curtis: Having a child sick with leukemia, waiting for a bone marrow donor, if it'd been me, I would've shot Weber and scraped his bone marrow out myself.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: I don't think that's how they do the operation, Rey.

Detective Rey Curtis: You know, when we were in Billy Weber's hospital room, he had a brand new video game system.
Lt. Anita Van Buren: Oh, Nintendo CD-Rom?
Detective Rey Curtis: Yeah, kid had a bunch of new games.
Lt. Anita Van Buren: Ooh, Crash Bandicoot?
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Excuse me, young parents? My daughter's idea of high tech toys was Barbie's convertible.
Detective Rey Curtis: No Lennie, we're talking five-six hundred dollars' worth of games.

"Law & Order: Stiff (#10.23)" (2000)
Abbie Carmichael: [discussing a case] What do you call this?
Det. Ed Green: Besides a bunch of crazy, rich white people with too much time on their hands?
Detective Lennie Briscoe: The best Skoda could come up with was "necrophilia without tears".

Abbie Carmichael: We just take his word that the suicide was his wife's idea; she didn't leave a note, a videotape?
Detective Lennie Briscoe: I guess they didn't read "Euthanasia for Dummies".

Detective Lennie Briscoe: We've been around the block a few hundred times.

Dr. Bertram Stokes: Maybe I should call my attorney.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: You can call the sugar-plum fairy for all we care.

Det. Ed Green: [finding a white substance in the waste bin] What's this?
Detective Lennie Briscoe: I'm bettin' it ain't Sweet'N Low.

"Law & Order: Passion (#7.21)" (1997)
Detective Lennie Briscoe: [Referring to the victim] Looks like she had a little spare time. Diaphragm. "What you need to know before starting to take the pill". Suspenders AND a belt!

Timothy Stevens: [referring to the victim] I saw Charles Evans' hand under her blouse. I don't think he was looking for typos.
Detective Rey Curtis: Why didn't we hear this before?
Timothy Stevens: Charles needs a new editor now. I'd rather have him writing than fending off the police.
Detective Rey Curtis: He needs a new editor because his old one is dead. It's called a motive.
Timothy Stevens: If I killed every editor I competed with, this would be a pretty small literary community.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Yeah, "Timothyville". You'd like that, wouldn't you?

Detective Lennie Briscoe: We come down on her and we're wrong, we could be breaking up one very snooty couple. It might actually ruin my sleep for minutes.

Lt. Anita Van Buren: Nothing like fathering another woman's child to cement a relationship.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Almost as good as panties in the glove compartment.

Detective Lennie Briscoe: Rey, Isn't that one of those EZ-Passes they use for going through the tolls?
Detective Rey Curtis: Yeah, you ever seen the line coming back from a weekend in the country?
Detective Lennie Briscoe: On Monday mornings, I usually take a chopper.

"Law & Order: Damaged (#8.22)" (1998)
[Lennie has just found out that one of his daughters has been murdered]
Det. Lennie Briscoe: She was my baby, Rey. What am I gonna do now?
Det. Rey Curtis: You're coming home with me, partner.

Moskowitz: We got one shot-up teacher and a parking lot full of shell casings. Two kids admit being in the vicinity. There's a uniform inside babysitting them.
Det. Rey Curtis: You got these cars listed yet?
[Moskowitz hands him a slip of paper]
Det. Rey Curtis: How many shots in all?
Moskowitz: We recovered two slugs from the victim's car, four from the bus, and the one the doctors are pulling out of the victim.
Det. Lennie Briscoe: [approaching] Lousy shooting.
Det. Rey Curtis: Good enough.

Det. Lennie Briscoe: Hey, you did all right in there, sweetheart.
Cathy Briscoe: Don't you get it, dad? My life is over. I'm not gonna be able to get a job. I'm always gonna be known as the meth addict nurse, who stole drugs for her dope-dealer boyfriend.
Det. Lennie Briscoe: Why don't you come and stay with me for a while 'till you get back on your feet, huh?
Cathy Briscoe: Dad, please! Did you hear what I just said?
Det. Lennie Briscoe: Honey, people make mistakes and start over all the time. I did.
Cathy Briscoe: Thanks. But right now, I feel like you made a mistake having me in the first place.

Det. Lennie Briscoe: So, Randy, daddy sprung for bail, huh?
Det. Rey Curtis: Stand up.
Randy Baxter: Sure. Beats doing squat thrusts for goofing on Fat Frankie.
Det. Lennie Briscoe: [cuffing Randy and his friends] You're gonna have to make bail again.
Det. Rey Curtis: You're all under arrest for the rape of Valerie Maxwell.
Randy Baxter: You're kidding. No way.
Det. Lennie Briscoe: Way, Randy. You're gonna be doing your squatting and thrusting in Rikers. Let's go.

Det. Rey Curtis: Lady, covering up a felony is a felony.
Mrs. Davenport: You asked me if Sally was one of the girls and I said no.
Det. Rey Curtis: And you didn't think rape was worth mentioning? What the hell kind of place are you people running here?
Mrs. Davenport: We investigate what's been reported. I spoke with the boys, I spoke with Valerie. They said she consented, she said she consented.
Det. Rey Curtis: She told her sister something different.
Mrs. Davenport: Well, maybe Sally heard what she wanted to hear. She's very protective of Valerie.
Det. Lennie Briscoe: Isn't Valerie the older sister?
Mrs. Davenport: Valerie's developmentally challenged.
Det. Lennie Briscoe: Challenged how?
Mrs. Davenport: She's retarded.
Det. Lennie Briscoe: [exchanging disbelieving looks with Rey] Three boys gang up on a retarded girl and you just say "Oh, okay." What, are you afraid of a lawsuit?
Mrs. Davenport: I'm a guidance counselor, not a cop.
Det. Rey Curtis: So call a cop when you need one!
Mrs. Davenport: When I need one, I will. There was no rape. Talk to Valerie yourselves.
Det. Lennie Briscoe: Count on it.

"Law & Order: Corpus Delicti (#6.11)" (1996)
Tibor Nichols: [Accused of electrocuting horses] Trust me, sir. The horses don't feel a thing.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: I'd like to shoot 120 volts through his rectum and see what he says then.

Susan Bauer: [referring to the dead horse's manure] Solid fecal balls, and it's warm.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: I'll take your word for it.

Detective Rey Curtis: I didn't become a detective to investigate dead animals.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: [voice imitating Mr. Ed, the talking horse of the eponymous 1960's TV series] Oh come on, Wilbur. Somebody killed a horse. You're not going to let him get away with it, are you?

Detective Lennie Briscoe: Brandson calls the insurance company and says he doesn't want the money.
Detective Rey Curtis: Necropsies are expensive, so they called it off.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: No necropsy, no proof Mister Wickets didn't die of natural causes. You think the department would go a couple of grand to find singe marks on a horse's ass?
Lt. Anita Van Buren: To investigate no crime? I can't even get pencils with erasers.
Detective Rey Curtis: So the guy has a zillion dollars. He just buys his way out of a beef?
Lt. Anita Van Buren: [sarcastically] Unbelievable, in the United States!

Detective Rey Curtis: [after phoning a cruise ship looking for Ruth Thomas] They can't find her.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Maybe she's on the poop deck.

"Law & Order: Surrender Dorothy (#10.19)" (2000)
Uniform Policeman: [referring to the victim] Turns out she's a grad student.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: She's gonna be a couple of credits shy.

Detective Lennie Briscoe: You a Mets fan?
Alec Hughes: Is that a crime?
Detective Lennie Briscoe: It depends on the season.

Detective Lennie Briscoe: [after Hughes has claimed he was at a Chinese restaurant at the time of the crime] You'd better hope your waiter isn't a Yankees fan.

Harlan Graham: Perry has nothing to hide. We're therapists: we believe in the truth.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Yeah, so do we - but we rarely hear it.

Detective Lennie Briscoe: [while cuffing Harlan Graham] Why don't you take your own advice, Doc? "Surrender with love"!

"Law & Order: Panic (#10.13)" (2000)
Detective Lennie Briscoe: All this milk of human kindness is going to make me puke.

Detective Ed Green: Any of Mr. Haas' other clients have problems with him?
P.K. Todd: I have no idea. You collar the shooter?
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Not yet. Is, uh, Mr. Haas married?
P.K. Todd: Yes. Witnesses see who did it?
Detective Ed Green: No. He have anything on the side?
P.K. Todd: A fifty year old accountant with a comb-over? Please. He loved his wife. Any forensics at the scene?
Detective Ed Green: Shell casings. You had...
P.K. Todd: What caliber?
Detective Lennie Briscoe: .380.
P.K. Todd: Garden variety semi-auto. Won't be much help tracking the shooter.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: [sarcastic] Yeah, thanks.

Lt. Anita Van Buren: [the detectives are looking through P.K. Todd's fan mail] Oh, this is lovely: "You write worse than an uneducated trout."
Detective Lennie Briscoe: If I was the fish, I'd take offense.

Detective Ed Green: Where were you headed when you left the restaurant?
P.K. Todd: I told you, Marty said he wanted to walk.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Marty had to run to catch up to you. Where were you going?
P.K. Todd: All right, he was boring me stiff. I just wanted to get rid of him. I knew he was on his way uptown, so I walked downtown. Didn't work. He followed me.
Detective Ed Green: You know that means you were the target and not him.
P.K. Todd: I told you that the first time I talked to you. Who in the world do you think would waste bullets on a nobody like Marty Haas?

"Law & Order: Shrunk (#14.4)" (2003)
Detective Lennie Briscoe: My ex-wife used to make me go to therapy.
Detective Ed Green: Money well spent.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Twice a week I'd lay on the couch and tell him how the orphanage headmaster would beat me on the head with a shoe.
Detective Ed Green: [laughs] Sounds like something out of Oliver Twist.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: It was.

Detective Lennie Briscoe: [to Myers, who is lying in shock in his bed] Mr Myers!
[no response]
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Mr Myers!
[again no response; long pause]
Detective Lennie Briscoe: This could run longer than his last show.

Detective Lennie Briscoe: [referring to Myers's mental state] Put it this way: his piano stool's missing a leg.

John David Myers: Dr Barrett told me to sing when I'm scared.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: He tell you to whistle when you stab naked girls?

"Law & Order: Possession (#12.5)" (2001)
Dr. Elizabeth Rodgers: [on what blade made the stab wounds] Probably pinking shears.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: I'm not even going to ask what pinking is.

Detective Lennie Briscoe: [taking Martha's shoes to check for blood] Don't worry, we're going to return them.
Martha Taylor: After you ruin them.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Hey lady, we're not going to be wearing them.

Detective Ed Green: [reading complaints Martha Taylor filed against her tenants] Claimed the tenant left a stale cake and used tea bags on her doorstep.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Oh, call in the SWAT Team.

Detective Lennie Briscoe: [serving a search warrant] After we take a look around here, we're gonna need to get into your apartment.
Martha Taylor: This is outrageous.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: [a little too eagerly] I know. But still.

"Law & Order: Kid Pro Quo (#13.20)" (2003)
Clarissa Wagner: For months we worked like maniacs to get Chloe into Knowles. Extra tutors, the interviews, the tests...
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Sounds like a lot of stress.
Clarissa Wagner: Valium helps.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Not on you; on your daughter.
Clarissa Wagner: Well, you're never too young to learn how to cope.
Detective Ed Green: It's only kindergarten.
Clarissa Wagner: It's not just kindergarten - it's the rest of her life. The right prep school leads to the right college, the right job, the right career, the right husband. It's a carefully calibrated ladder. And if you miss a step - excuse me, that's the caterer, I'll be right back.

Detective Lennie Briscoe: Legacies! I wish I had a legacy.
Detective Ed Green: It's like affirmative action for white folks. Ain't that how George W got into Yale - 'cause his daddy went there?
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Now come to think of it I do have a legacy: my old man went to PS 21 and so did I.

Detective Lennie Briscoe: Where were you Sunday evening, Mr Scofield?
Wyatt Scofield: At home.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Alone?
Wyatt Scofield: Just me and Dante.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Dante?
Wyatt Scofield: ...Alighieri.
Wyatt Scofield: "Purgatorio"?
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Isn't that a strip club in Queen's?
Detective Ed Green: [referring to Briscoe] I get to spend all day with him!

Detective Lennie Briscoe: Were you home all evening, Mr Scofield?
Wyatt Scofield: Except for my constitutional, which I take every evening religiously at 8 o'clock.
Detective Ed Green: Your "constitutional"?
Detective Lennie Briscoe: You should watch more "Masterpiece Theatre", Ed.

"Law & Order: Refuge: Part 1 (#9.23)" (1999)
A.D.A. Toni Ricci: [translating Russian tattoos found on dead man's feet] "When you skin your customer, leave some skin to grow so you can skin them again"
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Motto of the plumber's union?
A.D.A. Toni Ricci: Actually Nikita Khrushchev, 1961.

Lt. Anita Van Buren: [referring to the dead shooter] Well, if he emigrated here, maybe INS has him; they can ID him off his right ear.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: You're kidding!
Lt. Anita Van Buren: Oh, you didn't know? Every ear's unique, like snowflakes.
Detective Rey Curtis: No wonder Evander was so upset!

Detective Lennie Briscoe: [questioning 10-year old witness] Billy, we just want to ask you a few questions about what happened Tuesday.
Detective Rey Curtis: [Billy hugs mother; whispering to Briscoe] He saw it go down, Lennie! He saw it all!

Dr. Elizabeth Rodgers: The hands were cut to the bone, then snapped off at the wrist.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: That must've hurt.
Dr. Elizabeth Rodgers: Well, it was postmortem.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Still...

"Law & Order: Flight (#9.4)" (1998)
Theresa Copeland: Aaron needed me. He said there was something missing until I came along.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Yeah: a different bed to jump into!

Detective Lennie Briscoe: [reading Aaron Downing his rights] You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford one...
Detective Rey Curtis: [searching trunk of Downing's car] Skip the next part, Lennie. Mr Downing's got a wad of cash, passport, airline ticket - Fiji islands, open return.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Come on, Robinson Crusoe!

Detective Lennie Briscoe: [seeing Downing's dead body hanging from the ceiling of a New Jersey motel room] Well it ain't Fiji.

Detective Lennie Briscoe: Hey, I've been there, pal. You make a few promises under the sheets, the lady gets expectations.

"Homicide: Life on the Street: Sideshow: Part 2 (#7.15)" (1999)
Det. Leonard 'Lennie' Briscoe: [referring to Ned Burks] I specifically asked the shift commander to put him on suicide watch. Unfortunately, at Rikers Island that seems to mean they stand around and watch you commit suicide.

Det. Leonard 'Lennie' Briscoe: Get ready for a federal subpoena.
Det. Rene Sheppard: What are you talking about?
Det. Leonard 'Lennie' Briscoe: Well, they laid one on us in New York this morning. They took every bit of evidence we had on this case. I figure you folks are next.
Det. John Munch: You drove 200 miles south to tell us that? Good job, Paul Revere.
Det. Leonard 'Lennie' Briscoe: I'm on my way to Washington anyway. You got a cup of coffee?
Det. Rene Sheppard: What's going on there?
Det. Leonard 'Lennie' Briscoe: The Independent Counsel shanghaied Chesley Purcell's shooter. When they found out he had nothing to say about any of the President's men, they got bored with him. They're returning him to our custody, and McCoy wants me to transport him back to Rikers, put him on suicide watch.
Det. John Munch: You're telling me that Ned Burks killed Chesley Purcell over a lesbian's love lost? Yeah, and Jack Ruby was a grieving patriot.
Det. Leonard 'Lennie' Briscoe: A ***cancer-ridden***, grieving patriot.
Det. John Munch: Lennie, you precious rube! Amazing how all those years on the mean streets of New York have had so little effect on your sweet, childlike brain.

Det. Leonard 'Lennie' Briscoe: [to agent of the Independent Counsel's office] You guys couldn't track a bleeding elephant through the snow!

Tim Bayliss: Welcome back, Lennie!
Det. Leonard 'Lennie' Briscoe: Bayliss, right?
Tim Bayliss: Yeah.
[they shake hands]
Tim Bayliss: So, as a rule, you can only cross the Mason-Dixon line if you bring a really screwed-up case with you?
Det. Leonard 'Lennie' Briscoe: Hey; if it doesn't make sense, it belongs in Baltimore - right?

"Law & Order: Narcosis (#10.21)" (2000)
Lt. Anita Van Buren: Have Lamont check out the topless bars.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: He'll be thrilled!

Deborah Patterson: [after Green has aggressively questioned her client] Put leash on this guy, all right!
Detective Lennie Briscoe: We gave up: he keeps chewing through them.

Detective Lennie Briscoe: [after arresting Kevin Malone] You're not rich, you're not 38, and that's not a Porsche. I bet if we check under the hood, you'll be O for 4.

Detective Lennie Briscoe: [reading internet chat logs] "Hot rod" says he's 38, rich, drives a Porsche, and he's well-endowed.
A.D.A. Abbie Carmichael: And he couldn't get a real date?

"Law & Order: Good Girl (#7.3)" (1996)
Det. Rey Curtis: Hey, Lennie, look at this. "Mycenaean Amphorae, 1400-1375 BC."
Det. Lennie Briscoe: Yeah, I'm expecting my copy from the Book-of-the-Month Club.

Det. Lennie Briscoe: [in murder victim's apartment] There's two empty wine glasses in the sink.
Det. Rey Curtis: There's two empty condom wrappers over there. The near perfect Sunday afternoon.
Det. Lennie Briscoe: Yeah: I'd almost trade places with him.

Det. Lennie Briscoe: [talking to victim's ex-girlfriend] Why don't you come to the station with us. Let us take your fingerprints?
Arlene Williams: No no no no no no no. You're not going to run a Fuhrman on me.

Det. Lennie Briscoe: [after interviewing a suspect's alibi witness] With friends like her to cover for me, I'd still be playing around on my first wife.

"Law & Order: Homesick (#6.22)" (1996)
Lt. Anita Van Buren: [referring to the Karmels] He's 48; she's 27?
Detective Lennie Briscoe: My hero!

Lila Crenshaw: [referring to an earlier incident with Evan Karmel] It was an accident. He was crying so much from teething, I just wanted to quiet him.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: And if the brandy didn't work, what next? Cigars?
Lila Crenshaw: My mother used to give my baby brother a little brandy. I didn't see the harm: we do things differently in England.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: [sarcastically] Right. like poisoning babies; that's very English. Here, we smother them with pillows!

Detective Rey Curtis: [referring to Evan Karmel] How could you not check on him?
Lila Crenshaw: I came here to be an art student, not a bloody wet nurse!
Lila Crenshaw: Look, I did the best I could. I swear I did!
Detective Lennie Briscoe: [back at the station] There's one British nanny who won't be singing "Chim Chim Cher-ee"

Dr. Elizabeth Rodgers: Cutting open babies puts me in a bad mood.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: How would we be able to tell?

"Law & Order: Mayhem (#4.17)" (1994)
Det. Mike Logan: We're going for a record.
Det. Lennie Briscoe: What scares me is the day's not over yet.

Det. Lennie Briscoe: New Hampshire. I spent a year there one weekend.

Det. Lennie Briscoe: I look at you and I see possession with the intent to sell.
Belcher: You haven't searched me.
Det. Lennie Briscoe: I got x-ray eyes. Now, you tell me about Drew Washington, and maybe I go blind.

Det. Mike Logan: Drew Washington. Anybody that can tell us about him gets a free pass out of here.
Det. Lennie Briscoe: And everybody else gets to take a trip to the principal's office.

"Law & Order: Bait (#9.3)" (1998)
Detective Lennie Briscoe: [to Curtis, before testifying before the grand jury] If I'm not out in an hour, call for backup.

Detective Lennie Briscoe: Hey, not everybody's in it for truth, justice, and the American way. I mean, the taxpayers want the drug problem to go away, so they lean on the politicians. The politicians want to keep their jobs, so they lean on you guys. The DAs lean on the cops, the cops lean on their snitches. And sometimes somebody leans a little too hard and somebody gets hurt.

Jack McCoy: Lennie, please. I don't want to have to cite you for contempt.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: You do what you gotta do. I'm not helping you pin a body on a cop just for doing his job.

"Law & Order: Turnaround (#7.16)" (1997)
Detective Lennie Briscoe: [to Curtis] If your wife wanted a doormat, she'd go to Sears.

Detective Lennie Briscoe: [referring to Berger] We just have a few simple questions for him.
Canton: Before we get to that, Mr Berger doesn't want news of this meeting leaking to the media.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: We hadn't planned on telling anybody.
Canton: Of course. But if it is going to be leaked, Mr Berger would like Liz Smith to get first crack at it. Her number's at the top of the page.

Detective Lennie Briscoe: [referring to pills found in Newman's apartment] You could jump start the Sixties with what's in here.

"Law & Order: Missing (#12.14)" (2002)
Detective Ed Green: It'll be nice not looking at a dead body for a change.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Still, they could've called in Missin Persons.
Detective Ed Green: I don't know if you noticed, but Missing Persons is pretty busy lately.

Detective Lennie Briscoe: [looking through a missing woman's apartment] Her wallet's here... makeup's on the night stand.
Detective Ed Green: [in the bathroom] Toothbrush.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: So we're looking for a girl with no makeup and fuzzy teeth.

Detective Lennie Briscoe: Mickey Bastone?
Mickey Bastone: That's right.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: NYPD.
Detective Ed Green: We have a warrant to search your bar, your home, and any of your vehicles.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: We also have a warrant for your arrest.
Mickey Bastone: Hey, I'm trying to run a business here.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Well, why don't you think about taking a few days off? All right, everybody, last call!
Detective Ed Green: He means leave.
[the bar patrons are all ushered out of the door]
Mickey Bastone: I'm telling you, you know, you ain't gonna find nothing.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Oh, people say that to us all the time. Next thing you know, they're watching the seasons change in Attica.
Detective Ed Green: [handcuffing Mickey] Put your hands behind your back.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: [leading Mickey out] You probably know this next part by heart. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you do say can be used can and will be used against you in a court of law...

"Law & Order: Past Imperfect (#7.22)" (1997)
Detective Lennie Briscoe: [arriving in the victim's apartment] THE Christine Sandler?
CSU Dryden: You remember her?
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Who wouldn't? Twiggy was all bones. This one was all there. I always wanted to meet her.
CSU Dryden: Well, you're about six hours too late.

Jimmy Burke: [referring to the victim] When I first met her she was a sweet piece, man. She was only 22.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: And what happened? She didn't age well?
Jimmy Burke: Well, women in their 40s, you know, it's like money. You change them for two 20s.

Jimmy Burke: You think I killed Chris?
Detective Lennie Briscoe: I don't think you'd remember if you did.

"Law & Order: Barter (#7.12)" (1997)
Eric Hoffman: [referring to his co-op application] I was turned down because I run this establishment. Only ten adult bookstores left in Times Square, and I'm the only owner born in this country.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Well I hate to burst your red white and blue bubble, Mr Hoffman, but you were turned down because you lied on your application.
Eric Hoffman: I told them I was in the entertainment business. You see these videos? That's entertainment!
Detective Lennie Briscoe: You know I don't see "Hello, Dolly!" up there.

Car dealer: [to Briscoe, sitting in a Mercedes convertible in his showroom] Well, how does it feel?
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Like I can't afford it.

Car dealer: [referring to the Mercedes convertible] What would it take to get you into this car, Detective?
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Next week's lotto numbers.

"Law & Order: Manhood (#3.21)" (1993)
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Next time you wanna get some bones broken, try falling down a flight of stairs.
Detective Mike Logan: Next time I want advice, I'll write Dear Abby.

Detective Lennie Briscoe: You remember foot patrol.
Detective Mike Logan: Yeah, what I remember most is I never thought I'd get shot.

Captain Donald Cragen: Did Oswald kill Kennedy? If he didn't, it's the greatest conspiracy in history and nobody said a word. 140 officers in that precinct. Nobody knew?
Detective Mike Logan: You stick your head out, it gets cut off. You gonna risk that for a gay cop?
Captain Donald Cragen: All right, I'll call Internal Affairs.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: They'll run into a wall so big, a jackhammer won't get through it.

"Law & Order: Ramparts (#9.11)" (1999)
Delores Powell: Good bone density. No growth plates. So between nineteen and twenty-five years old.
Detective Rey Curtis: His or hers?
Delores Powell: Male. About six feet.
Detective Rey Curtis: Race?
Delores Powell: Human.
Detective Rey Curtis: So we've got a six-foot tall twenty year old male. That narrows it down.
Delores Powell: There's a fractured fibula, maybe a skiing accident.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: And what about the shooting accident?

Detective Rey Curtis: [CSU pulls a VW bus out of the Hudson River] The keys are still in here.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: [a CSU tech opens the bus door and bones fall out] So is the driver.
Detective Rey Curtis: Too much to drink, turn a wrong turn.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: [kneeling down next to the remains] Well, not unless he was drinking through the bullet hole in his skull.

Lt. Anita Van Buren: How's your shooter?
Detective Lennie Briscoe: He confessed so fast, I thought I'd have him do the paperwork.

"Law & Order: Discord (#4.3)" (1993)
[Briscoe and Logan arrest a rock star]
Manager: We'll sue you for false arrest. We're going to get our lawyers.
Det. Lennie Briscoe: Oh, lawyers. I'm so scared. You hear that, Mike?
Det. Mike Logan: Oh, I'm shaking in my blue suede shoes.

Det. Mike Logan: [finding out Clarence sent the limo home after taking Julia to his room] Clarence told us he was going dancing.
Det. Lennie Briscoe: You go dancing, you don't send the limo home.

Det. Lennie Briscoe: [about Van Buren] Maybe she's got some insight that we don't, what do *we* know about what's going through a woman's mind when she's being groped?
Det. Mike Logan: You forget the other girlfriend said he's a pussycat.
Det. Lennie Briscoe: But you forget she's on the payroll, we need to ask someone else.
Det. Mike Logan: Maybe the ex-Mrs. C-Squared?
Det. Lennie Briscoe: I hate to think the stories my ex-wives could tell about me.

"Law & Order: Slaughter (#12.19)" (2002)
Detective Lennie Briscoe: [looks at pictures of how cows are killed for meat] Makes *me* want to take up tofu.

Lt. Anita Van Buren: So we're looking for a killer transvestite?
Detective Lennie Briscoe: ...with a taste for sausage.

Bill Talbot: [being arrested during a board meeting of a meat company] I want my attorney!
Detective Lennie Briscoe: You want fries with that?

"Law & Order: Bitter Fruit (#6.1)" (1995)
Detective Lennie Briscoe: [on Detective Rey Curtis] I've got ties older than him... and some shoes, too, I think.

Detective Lennie Briscoe: The last original thought Capetti had, he left swirling in the bowl.

Det. Lennie Briscoe: When I was a kid growing up around here, worst thing that could happen was you skinned your knee playing Johnny on the pony.
Det. Rey Curtis: I don't remember my childhood being that rosy.
Det. Lennie Briscoe: When was that, last week?

"Law & Order: Pro Se (#6.21)" (1996)
School Principal: [sarcastically] A tall black teenager. It figures - he's a criminal and he plays basketball!
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Well, we'll check out your chess team next!

James Smith: I am a captain in Jabin's army!
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Really? I was a corporal in Uncle Sam's.
James Smith: I fought at the Kishon River.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Oh, you did? So, when you killed Linda Bowers and those other people, you were following orders, right?
James Smith: The chattering people across the street. They're with the CIA too, aren't they?
Detective Lennie Briscoe: This isn't the CIA, Jim, this is the 27th precinct of the New York City Police Department. You understand that?
James Smith: [laughing] It's a hell of a system. It's a hell of a system. They drive touch-tone dialing to work and they're still hungry.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Right.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: I give up.
[exits interrogation room: to Van Buren and Kincaid]
Detective Lennie Briscoe: I think I need whatever he's supposed to be taking.

Police officer: The prints matched up with a James Stephen Smith.
[hands file to Van Buren]
Lt. Anita Van Buren: Great, thank you.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Besides battling the forces of evil, what other trouble's he been in?
Lt. Anita Van Buren: [reading his file] Only one arrest, for stalking a woman 16 months ago. He pleaded out on harassment two, six months' probation and a 500 dollar fine.
Detective Rey Curtis: [sarcastically] I guess if he'd killed her, it would have been 1000 dollars.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: What idiot in the D.A.'s let him off?
Lt. Anita Van Buren: [to Kincaid] Say hello, Counselor.

"Law & Order: Attorney Client (#12.22)" (2002)
Detective Lennie Briscoe: We'd offer to call a lawyer for you except that you are one.

Detective Ed Green: He thinks he's Spiderman.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Yeah, only without the superpowers.

Detective Ed Green: When are people gonna learn? Just give up the car; it's not worth a life.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Spoken like somebody who never owned a Jag.

"Law & Order: Stalker (#8.18)" (1998)
Detective Lennie Briscoe: So all we have to do is find the invisible man, see if he has roof tar on his shoes.

Detective Lennie Briscoe: Anybody with you tonight?
Robertson: Only the shrew I'm married to, now if I were going to throw *anybody* down the stairs...

"Law & Order: Double Blind (#7.6)" (1996)
Det. Lennie Briscoe: [Looking through the list of people who had mail-ordered an assassination handbook] If you see one of my exes in there, let me know.

Det. Lennie Briscoe: [after hearing Sawyer confess to killing Franklin] Why? What did Franklin ever do to you?
Alan Sawyer: He was a knight templar. He was 600 years old. He told me he was trying to kill me.
Detective Rey Curtis: Who said that?
Alan Sawyer: King Philip and Pope Clement.

"Law & Order: Mother's Milk (#10.12)" (2000)
Detective Ed Green: How many of these you done?
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Stakeouts?
Detective Ed Green: No. Dead babies.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Hey, we don't know the baby's dead.
Detective Ed Green: [skeptical] Right.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: To answer your question, too many.
Detective Ed Green: It's my first.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: That's too many.

Detective Lennie Briscoe: It's never a happy ending.
Detective Ed Green: We found blood in the apartment.
Dr. Elizabeth Rodgers: I don't know yet whose it is. Haven't done the autopsy.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Cause of death?
Dr. Elizabeth Rodgers: At first glance, it looks like the baby was more than likely put in the bag and buried alive.
Detective Ed Green: Looks like skin and bones. What did he die of?
Dr. Elizabeth Rodgers: Hard to tell. Asphyxiation. Dehydration. Exposure. I won't know until I do the autopsy.
Detective Ed Green: How long can a baby live like that?
Dr. Elizabeth Rodgers: The Mexican earthquake, babies survived nine days buried alive.
A.D.A. Abbie Carmichael: Arrest the son of a bitch.

"Law & Order: Hunters (#9.13)" (1999)
Phil: Mr Dow isn't here. A couple of other detectives picked him up an hour ago.
Detective Rey Curtis: That would be "detectives" Granada and Difka?
Phil: You work with them?
Detective Lennie Briscoe: We're members of a mutual admiration society.

Detective Lennie Briscoe: [cuffing suspect at a phone booth] You're our lucky caller of the day.

"Law & Order: Hitman (#13.6)" (2002)
Detective Ed Green: Took one in the back of the head. Close range, small caliber. No exit wound, no brass. Very tidy. Very professional.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Yeah, what do you bet there's no prints, either?
Detective Ed Green: Well, we'd better find Mrs. Rosatti, tell her her husband's dead.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: If she doesn't already know.
Detective Ed Green: Man, you are such a cynic when it comes to love.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Not love. Marriage.

Detective Lennie Briscoe: Now there's a refreshing change.
Detective Ed Green: What, a wife leaving her husband for a younger guy?
Detective Lennie Briscoe: No, a wife who doesn't want her ex-husband dead.

"Law & Order: Scrambled (#9.6)" (1998)
Det. Rey Curtis: You know, the newsletter guy's right. Rutland IS playing God.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: He's playing with the brains God gave him: isn't that kosher?
Det. Rey Curtis: What - making babies in a test tube? Storing leftover babies in a freezer?
Detective Lennie Briscoe: [correcting Curtis] Embryos!
Det. Rey Curtis: Fine - embryos.
Lt. Anita Van Buren: My sister couldn't have a baby. They tried for years. It was really painful.
Det. Rey Curtis: Well maybe she wasn't meant to have a baby.
Lt. Anita Van Buren: [pause] Excuse me?

Detective Lennie Briscoe: I thought my sex life was complicated when I had to wear a condom.

"Law & Order: Castoff (#8.13)" (1998)
Detective Lennie Briscoe: [finds a man hiding in the closet with a golf club] You got a permit for that putter?

Detective Lennie Briscoe: [Briscoe and Curtis have just discovered a dead man wearing women's lingerie] Always wear clean underwear. You never know when you might be in an accident.

"Law & Order: Dissonance (#11.3)" (2000)
[as Carl Reger is being arrested by Briscoe and Green]
Carl Reger: My lawyer will have your jobs!
Det. Lennie Briscoe: Good. Can we have his?

Detective Ed Green: You going somewhere?
Jay Brannigan: I thought I'd go to Maine for a few days, do some fishing.
Detective Ed Green: I thought you were sick.
Jay Brannigan: I'm feeling better - hey, what the hell are you doing?
Det. Lennie Briscoe: [finds large bundles of cash] Woohoo! The price of worms must've gone through the roof.

"Law & Order: Shangri-La (#13.2)" (2002)
Detective Ed Green: They found the
Detective Ed Green: body over here in this janitor's closet with a whole bunch of bloody rags. Must have killed her someplace else, dumped the body here, and used the rags to clean up.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: He gets an A+ for Neatness.

Detective Lennie Briscoe: So, Dr. Brody, tell me a story.
Assistant Medical Examiner Brody: What we've got here is one very dead lady.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: You went to school for that?
Assistant Medical Examiner Brody: [sheepishly annoyed] Made my Mom proud.

"Law & Order: Sideshow: Part 1 (#9.14)" (1999)
Det. John Munch: [in lesbian bar] Lennie, there's gotta be ten women for every woman in this place!
Det. Lennie Briscoe: And all gorgeous...
Det. John Munch: ...and happy. As soon as they invent artificial sperm and a machine that opens jars, you and I are out of business, old buddy.

Det. John Munch: [searching victim's bedroom] Place is negative for condoms, or any kind of contraceptive devices. Ditto peekaboo bras, Merry Widows, any Doc Johnson products. This lady had no discernible sex life!
Det. Lennie Briscoe: Maybe she enjoyed solitaire.

"Law & Order: Second Opinion (#5.1)" (1994)
Detective Lennie Briscoe: [after a nurse faints due to noxious fumes emanating from a corpse's mouth] Didn't this happen in California?
Dr. Alfredo Salinas: Yeah, they called it the smell of death.
[camera pans to men in bio-hazard suits wheeling out the dead body in a plastic bag]

Detective Mike Logan: If it was me, I'd just have the operation.
Lt. Anita Van Buren: Oh really? You got anything you'd think twice about having cut off? 7th grade, what was the first thing that made you notice Susie sitting across from you?
Detective Mike Logan: Come on, I was 13 years old.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Oh, and everything's changed since then?
Lt. Anita Van Buren: That was the first thing that made Susie feel like a woman, and that never changes.
Detective Mike Logan: So what're you saying, Lieutenant? If you got the big C you'd just curl up with a bowl of chicken soup and a rabbit's foot under your pillow?
Lt. Anita Van Buren: What I wouldn't do, Mike, is be sitting around here eating cold pizza with you guys. No offense but in my last days I'm going to spend it with my husband and my kids.

"Law & Order: Sundown (#10.9)" (1999)
Detective Ed Green: She came in for a biopsy and they managed to kill her?
Det. Lennie Briscoe: That's why they call it "managed care."

Detective Ed Green: What's that on your phone? Brains?
Dr. Elizabeth Rodgers: It's egg salad maybe.
Detective Ed Green: You got another phone?
Det. Lennie Briscoe: When will you know what time Mrs. Hallenbeck was attacked?
Dr. Elizabeth Rodgers: Tomorrow morning. Maybe earlier. Right now I gotta get a javelin out of somebody's chest.
Det. Lennie Briscoe: What made you go into this line of work?
Dr. Elizabeth Rodgers: Free javelins.

"Law & Order: Bounty (#14.2)" (2003)
[to a reluctant witness]
Detective Lennie Briscoe: There's no such thing as hooker-client confidentiality.

Detective Ed Green: [holding blood-stained ashtray in hotel room] Looks like a couple of cracks to the skull with this did the trick.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: That's why I always get a non-smoking room.

"Law & Order: Refuge: Part 2 (#9.24)" (1999)
Detective Lennie Briscoe: [putting his hand on Rey's shoulder] Hey, if you ever need anything, Rey... just pick up the damn phone.
Detective Rey Curtis: [trying to smile] Sure, sure. The girls will want to see their Uncle Lennie.

Detective Lennie Briscoe: Konstantin Volsky, we're your friendly movers from the NYPD. We're executing a search warrant for bank statements, pass books, certificates of deposit, Eurodollar accounts, traveler's checks, wire transfer records reflecting deposits, withdrawals, and exchange of funds at any bank or financial institution in or out of the United States. In other words, everything except the family snapshot and the rubber in your wallet.

"Law & Order: Swept Away - A Very Special Episode (#11.15)" (2001)
Detective Lennie Briscoe: The last time we spoke, you gave us the impression that everybody more or less got along.
Melanie Kaufman: Everyone more or less does.
Detective Ed Green: And that's not what it sounded like in those one-on-ones.
Corey Kaufman: Everyone gets along perfectly, you have a flat line.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: And if, by chance, they do happen to get along, you turn them against each other?
Corey Kaufman: Well, I prefer to call it stirring the pot. We take whatever conflicts are already under the surface and tweak them, that's all.
Detective Ed Green: Well, do you think this "stirring the pot" led to one of them going off the roof?
Melanie Kaufman: Absolutely not.
Detective Ed Green: Well, we're gonna need to hear that from them.
Corey Kaufman: You already talked to them.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: That was when we thought everybody was being straight with us.

Detective Ed Green: That's a wrap.
Melanie Kaufman: How did you get in here?
Detective Lennie Briscoe: [holding up his badge] With this.
Detective Ed Green: You're both under arrest for the murder of Wesley Tatum.
Corey Kaufman: Wait, you can't arrest us. We have a show to finish.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Consider yourself canceled.

"Law & Order: Hot Pursuit (#6.5)" (1995)
Detective Lennie Briscoe: You know, Rey, if you ever left the police department, you could have a hell of a career as an egg timer.

Detective Lennie Briscoe: [to Curtis as they arrive on the crime scene] It's 3 in the morning, did you put that tie on or do you sleep like that?

"Law & Order: Blue Bamboo (#5.3)" (1994)
Art Samuels: [speaking of the deceased] He had a lot of energy. I, on the other hand, have a wife.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: My condolences.

Detective Lennie Briscoe: [finding out the deceased was shot] I liked this guy better when he had a heart attack.

"Law & Order: Cherished (#9.1)" (1998)
Dr. Emil Skoda: [about the 7 year old] You saw him, he can't connect the dots. He can't grasp others exist past his own needs.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Sounds like half the people I know.

Detective Lennie Briscoe: [after obtaining a warrant from a reluctant judge] Good thing you booked time with the grand jury.
Abbie Carmichael: What grand jury?

"Law & Order: Ambitious (#9.21)" (1999)
Stripper: Can you guys make it quick? I gotta cram for my psych exam before the happy hour crunch!
Detective Rey Curtis: Wouldn't you do better in a library?
Stripper: Hey: I'm covering my tuition and fulfilling a public service.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Oh, which one's that?
Stripper: Read the literature. Clubs like this, they boost a man's testosterone level. He leaves here feeling confident. More productive...
Detective Lennie Briscoe: ...and broke.
Stripper: Then everybody's happy!

Detective Lennie Briscoe: You recognize this girl?
[shows headshot of Kimberly Davis]
Man working in pizza restaurant: She an actress?
Detective Lennie Briscoe: She moonlights at a hooter bar when she's not playing Lady Macbeth.

"Law & Order: Thrill (#8.1)" (1997)
Detective Tony Profaci: [after Briscoe has lost a suspect on foot] You OK?
Detective Lennie Briscoe: [out of breath] Just shoot me, will you?

Lt. Anita Van Buren: A thrill killing. I take it back, Lennie: some people don't need a reason.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: I guess the Macarena wasn't exciting enough for them.

"Law & Order: Ill-Conceived (#14.10)" (2003)
Detective Lennie Briscoe: [holding Maria's baby while she's out of the room] Just like riding a bike.
Detective Ed Green: Yeah well I think you're riding too hard, he's starting to drool.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Detective Ed Green: If you're thinking 'why does this baby have blue eyes?' then yeah.

Detective Lennie Briscoe: Did her name happen to be Maria?
Bartender: Aren't they all?

"Law & Order: High & Low (#10.22)" (2000)
Detective Ed Green: [about Alston] As far as we can see, she's a retired porn star living off her investments.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: God bless America.

Detective Lennie Briscoe: Surf nazis on ecstasy. Bet they're gonna put that in the local drive-in.

"Law & Order: Paranoia (#6.6)" (1995)
Detective Lennie Briscoe: I read an article on the Internet. Did you know a hundred million words get added to that damn thing every day?
Lt. Anita Van Buren: [laughing] What?
Detective Lennie Briscoe: A hundred million.

Lt. Anita Van Buren: [reading] "The more I stab you the more I want you."
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Sounds like Gershwin.
Lt. Anita Van Buren: Damn. My college's idea of sex in literature was Jane Eyre.
Detective Rey Curtis: It's not just the colleges. It's everywhere. I won't let me kids near network television.

"Law & Order: Prejudice (#12.10)" (2001)
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Any ID?
Detective Ed Green: [looking through the victim's wallet] Well, the money's still here, so it's probably not a robbery. Let's see... Thomas Reddick, Pavilion Publishing. CEO.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Hmm. Looks like they publish a string of magazines. News, fashion.
Detective Ed Green: Well, he's on the other side of the camera now.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: He's on the other side, period.

Clerk: I'm not sure you should be going through that.
Detective Ed Green: Look, we're dealing with a homicide investigation.
Clerk: I... I just meant that there might be some sensitive material there.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: That's exactly what we're looking for.
Clerk: I was referring to the corporate financial information, about the buyouts.
Detective Ed Green: Buyouts?
Clerk: Of the other magazines. That's what Mr. Reddick's meetings were about yesterday.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: When was his last appointment?
Clerk: Uh... that would have been his 6:30 with Legal.
Detective Ed Green: And that was the last time you saw him?
Clerk: On his way upstairs. He wasn't very happy; Mr. Reddick didn't really look forward to meetings with lawyers
Detective Lennie Briscoe: I know the feeling.

"Law & Order: Justice (#10.5)" (1999)
Detective Lennie Briscoe: [investigating the scene of a crime] Gate's always open.
Detective Ed Green: And let me guess, nobody saw or heard anything.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: You're good.

Detective Ed Green: [reading the victim's ID] This guy's a lawyer.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Hm, I'll be in mourning for the next five minutes.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: ...Or Just Look Like One (#1.3)" (1999)
Detective Lennie Briscoe: [handing Stabler his murder weapon] You are looking at the fruits of four hours of dumpster diving along 59th Street. Nine dumpsters in all.
Det. Elliot Stabler: You trying to tell me the two of youse went dumpster diving?
Detective Ed Green: Hell, no. We supervised a couple of uniforms. I don't do dirty diapers.

Captain Donald Cragen: [pulling Briscoe and Green away from Benson and Stabler] Lennie. Lennie, come on, I haven't eaten in an hour. You guys go ahead. These guys owe me a lunch.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: I don't owe him anything. I'm just gonna supervise his donut withdrawal.

"Law & Order: Causa Mortis (#7.1)" (1996)
[about ADA Claire Kincaid's death]
Jack McCoy: You know, before it happened... she wanted to quit. I talked her out of it.
Det. Lennie Briscoe: Yeah, well... I could have kept walking past that bar.

ESU Lieutenant: [Viewing the crime scene] We got six unmatched pairs of shoes, dozen panties, condoms by the bucketful.
Det. Lennie Briscoe: Sounds like the back of my first car.

"Law & Order: Deep Vote (#11.24)" (2001)
Detective Lennie Briscoe: How do you tell someone somebody wants them dead?
Detective Ed Green: Quickly?

Detective Ed Green: "Crooked cops: exception or the rule?". Is this typical of your work?
Kate Pierce: I'm an investigative journalist.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Pissed anybody off lately?
Kate Pierce: If I'm doing my job right.

"Law & Order: Admissions (#9.22)" (1999)
Professor Crochelle: [describing man at the scene of the murder] Mid-to-late 20s, uh, brownish hair, "entitled".
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Entitled to what?
Professor Crochelle: To everything.

Dr. Emil Skoda: You sure there was there no connection between Clayman and the dead girl?
Detective Rey Curtis: Just the connection of being in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Dr. Emil Skoda: He's not your man.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Mind sharing how you know that?
Dr. Emil Skoda: The killer knew her. Draped a scarf over her face; wanted her to preserve some dignity.
Lt. Anita Van Buren: Dignity.
Dr. Emil Skoda: [shrugs] Best he could do under the circumstances.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Like that carjacking a couple years ago.
Detective Rey Curtis: Then why cut her up?
Dr. Emil Skoda: Make it look like a lunatic had done it. See these cuts? They're hesitation marks. He was having a hard time at first, got bolder as he went along.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: So you're saying he staged the whole thing?
[Skoda gives a shrugging nod]
Lt. Anita Van Buren: Do you think Eddie Clayman could have put all this on to throw us off the track?
Dr. Emil Skoda: I think you've got the wrong guy.
Lt. Anita Van Buren: Hold Clayman on a parole violation 'till we sort all this out.
Dr. Emil Skoda: Whoever killed Sarah Kincaid knew her, and cared about her. Have you talked with her boyfriend?
Detective Rey Curtis: Her father said that she wasn't seeing anybody regularly.
Dr. Emil Skoda: She was pregnant.
Lt. Anita Van Buren: So she did something with somebody nine weeks ago.

"Law & Order: DWB (#9.2)" (1998)
Detective Lennie Briscoe: [looking at victim's watch] It stopped tickin' when he took a lickin'.

Detective Rey Curtis: [after Fratelli been picked out of a lineup and agreed to co-operate] He blinked.
Abbie Carmichael: Yeah, thanks to Mr Davis.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Good ol' Ray Ray. The trick was giving him a number he couldn't forget: three. Rhymes with "squeegee"

"Law & Order: Aftershock (#6.23)" (1996)
Mike: What is it with you guys? First darts, now pool.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Never mess with a civil servant, my friend.

A.D.A. Claire Kincaid: Jack called me.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Jack? Jack turned into a pumpkin.

"Law & Order: Patriot (#12.24)" (2002)
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Hey, take a look, partner. There's supposed to be two towers standing over there.
Detective Ed Green: Look, man, I know, but it's that kind of thing that gets me pulled over on the turnpike every other month. You forget, I lived in the Middle East. Not every guy wearing a kufi is the enemy.

Detective Ed Green: Frank Miller, you're under arrest for the murder of Yusef Hadad. On your feet.
Frank Miller: I didn't murder anyone.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Oh, yeah? There's somebody down at the M.E.'s office doing a pretty good impression of a dead guy.

"Law & Order: For Love or Money (#12.3)" (2001)
Detective Ed Green: Can you believe what a high-definition TV goes for? $10,000.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Instead of "high def", they ought to call it "outrageously high def".

Detective Ed Green: Lennie. Found this under the front seat of her car.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Oh, a parking stub from A&N.
Detective Ed Green: The lot where Ronnie Buck was killed.
Lorraine Cobin: You didn't find that in my car. You put it there.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: [sarcastically to Ed] I knew these fake parking stubs would come in handy someday.

"Law & Order: C.O.D. (#14.24)" (2004)
[Lennie is retiring]
Det. Lennie Briscoe: So what's it been for you and me... 11 years?
Lt. Anita Van Buren: Something like that.
Det. Lennie Briscoe: It's the longest I was ever with any woman.
Lt. Anita Van Buren: Now that's pitiful.

[a package delivery man has been murdered]
Det. Lennie Briscoe: When you absolutely, positively have to kill someone overnight.

"Law & Order: School Daze (#11.22)" (2001)
Jack McCoy: I'm sick of learning things about this case after the fact.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Hey, we talked to fifty-two kids who were either in the cafeteria or had been identified as friends of Semple.
Detective Ed Green: Nobody indicated that there were prior threats.
Jack McCoy: Well, apparently someone knew.
A.D.A. Abbie Carmichael: The parents claim that Semple told some kids he was gonna shoot the place up.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Did they have any names?
Jack McCoy: Detective, I had just told them that we had to cut Semple loose because of your screw-up. I wasn't about to let them know they knew more than we did.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Any time you think you can do my job better than me, just let me know.

Lt. Anita Van Buren: [Talking about their suspect] Has he even had breakfast yet?
Detective Ed Green: He won't eat. And he said he won't talk until his lawyer shows up.
Lt. Anita Van Buren: When is that supposed to be?
Simone Adams: [Entering the room] Well, well, well, what do we have here? Conspiracy to obstruct justice?
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Speak of the devil.

"Law & Order: Oxymoron (#12.23)" (2002)
Alexandra Shabtai: You don't actually think I had something to do with Eliza's murder?
Detective Ed Green: You deal the same kind of drug that was found in her system. And a few hours before she was killed, you two were "talking" about money.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: In our neck of the woods, that adds up to a drug deal gone bad.
Alexandra Shabtai: Ugh... that is just insane.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Uh... if I were you, that defense never works.

"Law & Order: Sheltered (#13.22)" (2003)
Detective Ed Green: What'd you find out?
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Could have been a stray bullet.
Detective Ed Green: Six inches to the right, she'd still be here.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Six inches to the right and Lincoln would have seen the end of the play.

"Law & Order: Baby, It's You: Part 1 (#8.6)" (1997)
Detective Rey Curtis: Mmmm, how do you want to work the Baltimore angle? There's a housekeeper, Helen Crane? We should talk to her.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: We know people down there.
Lt. Anita Van Buren: Pembleton?
Detective Lennie Briscoe: No, the one whose ex-wife I was sleeping with.
Lt. Anita Van Buren: [to Curtis] Tell him he'll have to be more specific.
[Curtis holds up his hand to say "No thanks"]
Detective Lennie Briscoe: The mediocre pool player.
Lt. Anita Van Buren: Munch!

"Law & Order: Who Let the Dogs Out? (#12.1)" (2001)
Det. Lennie Briscoe: [When searching for aggressive dogs] On the bright side, at least there's no barking.
Det. Ed Green: Maybe they were trained not to bark.
Det. Lennie Briscoe: Well, there's a cheerful thought.

"Law & Order: Fools for Love (#10.15)" (2000)
Detective Lennie Briscoe: I guess there's no point in asking...
Dr. Elizabeth Rodgers: Indication of brutal sexual penetration both vaginally and anally. Bad news, no semen.
Detective Ed Green: Condom?
Dr. Elizabeth Rodgers: Douche.
Detective Ed Green: No DNA.
Dr. Elizabeth Rodgers: I didn't say that. This girl fought back. Got his flesh under her fingernails. I sent it for DNA typing.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: So he douched them but he forgot to clean under their nails?
Dr. Elizabeth Rodgers: No, he didn't forget. He just didn't get it all.

"Law & Order: The Fire This Time (#12.8)" (2001)
Kent Quigley: We're losing our wetlands, our wilderness! Every day, we are paving over nature!
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Aw, you think Manhattan's a wasteland? Wait 'til you see Riker's Island.

"Law & Order: American Jihad (#13.1)" (2002)
Detective Lennie Briscoe: I'd love to smack that little pompous schmuck.
Lt. Anita Van Buren: Me first.

"Law & Order: Return (#11.5)" (2000)
Lt. Anita Van Buren: We can hold them both for now, but Sal's right about one thing: we've got no motive.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: You believe him?
Lt. Anita Van Buren: Well, I didn't say that. But what do we have? The testimony of a mentally questionable co-conspirator; that's it.
Detective Ed Green: Well, if Eddie's telling the truth, Sal either had reasons of his own to get rid of Caplan - what they are, we don't know - or he was doing it for somebody else; who that is, we don't know.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Yeah, what he said.

"Law & Order: Denial (#8.2)" (1997)
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Look at this: Nietzsche, Wittgenstein, Kierkegaard. Either we're looking for a philosophy student, or we got one very depressed criminal.

"Law & Order: Mega (#10.18)" (2000)
Elias Grace: Isn't it great to say exactly what you feel?
Det. Lennie Briscoe: I tried that with my first wife.

"Law & Order: Slave (#6.19)" (1996)
Detective Lennie Briscoe: You were out of line, Rey. Just accept it and move it on.
Detective Rey Curtis: As a cop, okay, I should have stepped in but as a parent? Man, that kid was selling crack. That rates a big hug and a trip to Disneyland?
Detective Lennie Briscoe: This really burns you, huh?
Detective Rey Curtis: Hell, yes. The guy's fighting for his kid's life.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: What, by beating up on him?
Detective Rey Curtis: If it comes to that. I'm not one of those parents who has a problem taking a strong stand against drugs. I never took drugs and I don't feel like a hypocrite telling my kids not to.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: So if I tell my kids not to drink, that makes me a hypocrite?
Detective Rey Curtis: Whatever, Lennie. I don't want to get into personalities.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Now I got Pat Buchanan for a partner.

"Law & Order: Vaya Con Dios (#10.24)" (2000)
Detective Lennie Briscoe: If he killed this guy's kid, he'd better run, 27 years later or not.

"Law & Order: Vendetta (#14.21)" (2004)
Dr. Judy Waxman: You're telling me this guy got killed because he tried to catch a foul ball?
Detective Lennie Briscoe: And the suspect list is the greater New York phone book.

"Law & Order: Genius (#13.17)" (2003)
[after Ed had an informal discussion with a suspect that led to a partial confession]
Lt. Anita Van Buren: Five hours? I hope the hell he called you in the morning.
Det. Ed Green: Hey, the best way to get a drunk to open his mouth is to let him drink, isn't that right, Lennie?
Det. Lennie Briscoe: [looking up from his desk] Hear, hear!

"Law & Order: Progeny (#5.12)" (1995)
Det. Mike Logan: I thought she said she hadn't spoken to her ex in over a year?
Det. Lennie Briscoe: Maybe she got her dates mixed up.
Det. Mike Logan: You remember the last time you talked to your ex?
Det. Lennie Briscoe: July 17, 1994 2:35pm

"Law & Order: True North (#9.9)" (1998)
Patrick Sinclair: Mrs Harker used drugs. Mrs Harker ran around with a bunch of low lifes. Mrs Harker was a lousy mother to Mr Harker's daughter.
Detective Rey Curtis: The girl wasn't hers?
Patrick Sinclair: No, from his first marriage. Mrs Harker spent his money like water. Mrs Harker was having an affair.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: But she baked delicious oatmeal cookies.

"Law & Order: Girlfriends (#6.20)" (1996)
Lennie Briscoe: You read about the college where they have a rule that a guy has to get permission for every stage of a make-out session? "Can I touch you here? Thank you. Now, can I put my hand there?"
Detective Rey Curtis: Isn't that the way you do it, Lennie? Beg?
Lennie Briscoe: Mr. Young Married. You don't even have any idea what you're missing.
Anita Van Buren: Yeah, late night reruns of I Dream of Jeannie.
Lennie Briscoe: Isn't that sexual harassment?
Anita Van Buren: File a charge.

"Law & Order: Legacy (#7.10)" (1997)
Shrier: The bullet went in behind his ear at a shallow angle, hit the inside of his skull, and skidded around to the other ear.
Lennie Briscoe: Boy, that'll clear out the wax real good.
Shrier: If you don't mind loud noises. The striations on the damaged side of the bullet don't match anything in our files.
Lennie Briscoe: Yeah, except the inside of his skull.
Shrier: Which I can't mount on my microscope.

"Law & Order: Burn Baby Burn (#11.6)" (2000)
[a cop has been murdered]
Lt. Anita Van Buren: I just got the page.
Detective Ed Green: [to the witnesses who called in the DB] Excuse me, fellas.
Lt. Anita Van Buren: Any idea how it went down?
Detective Ed Green: No, not yet.
Lt. Anita Van Buren: Kearsey get any rounds off?
Detective Ed Green: Yeah, two.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Hopefully one of them's in the killer.

"Law & Order: We Like Mike (#7.20)" (1997)
Ricky Garcia: [Having just been instructed to write down his confession] Can I say how I didn't mean to... do it?
Detective Lennie Briscoe: You mean how you only shot him because he wouldn't give you his watch? Yeah, the DA will love that.

"Law & Order: Divorce (#8.16)" (1998)
Det. Lennie Briscoe: Divorce lawyers... God's way of telling you to stay single.
Det. Rey Curtis: Or married.

"Law & Order: Sweeps (#4.1)" (1993)
Detective Lennie Briscoe: [Discussing how Sid Fisher located his victim] He was in the Army, in the Rangers in Vietnam. Those guys can track a leopard in the rain.

"Law & Order: Big Bang (#4.16)" (1994)
[Discussing a small steel spring that is radioactive]
Scientist: So do you have any suspects with nuclear reactors in their basements?
Det. Lennie Briscoe: As a matter of fact, we do.

"Law & Order: Merger (#10.4)" (1999)
Sammy Morris: What, the sister? She's murdered? You kiddin' me.
Det. Lennie Briscoe: If I was kiddin' you, I'd be wearin' a fez and no pants.

"Law & Order: Foul Play (#12.21)" (2002)
Det. Ed Green: Frank Leahy, you're going to have to come with us.
Frank Leahy: Why?
Det. Ed Green: We're placing you under arrest.
Frank Leahy: What for?
Det. Lennie Briscoe: It ain't for stealing home.

"Law & Order: Haven (#9.12)" (1999)
Detective Lennie Briscoe: [about Affirmative Action] You wouldn't have gotten any complaints from me; it came in after I left the department and it'll still be there when I'm gone.
Detective Rey Curtis: Well you wouldn't have liked my answers. When I was filling out my application, when it asked about race, I checked 'none of the above'.
A.D.A. Abbie Carmichael: Well I'd like to think I got where I am on my own merit.
Lt. Anita Van Buren: So would I, but I got 2,000 pages of legal documents that say contrary.

"Law & Order: Faccia a Faccia (#8.15)" (1998)
Detective Lennie Briscoe: [carrying a suspect's book, JFK Jr., to Rey] Don't worry, I just bought it for the picture.

"Law & Order: Consultation (#3.10)" (1992)
Detective Mike Logan: Hey, suppose Kelani isn't the only smuggler on the plane? You think Transmission Travel gives frequent swallower miles?
Detective Lennie Briscoe: All I know is, 20 years ago, two Cuba Libres and I'd have the passenger list.

"Law & Order: Turnstile Justice (#11.2)" (2000)
A.D.A. Abbie Carmichael: Before I can let you go outside I need to know who you are.
Brian Gallant: I'm Regis Philbin.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Is that your final answer?

"Law & Order: Mother Love (#3.15)" (1993)
[about a mother kicking her drug-addict daughter out on the streets]
Det. Lennie Briscoe: So, the mother should've allowed her daughter to shoot the family fortune into her arm?
Det. Mike Logan: Would you kick your daughter out just to save the family fortune?
Det. Lennie Briscoe: My daughter could go through my family fortune in a day and a half.

"Law & Order: Compassion (#14.9)" (2003)
Det. Lennie Briscoe: [looking at a hospital sign that says "Pediatric Oncology"] *There's* two words that should never go together.

"Law & Order: True Crime (#13.3)" (2002)
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Neighbors said this used to be home to one of those flat screen TVs.
Detective Ed Green: Man, those things go for like 6 grand!
Detective Lennie Briscoe: For 6 grand, it should make coffee and do the dishes.

"Law & Order: Maritime (#13.18)" (2003)
Dr. Elizabeth Rodgers: I think I can help you with an ID. I found this ring on her toe. There's an inscription on the inside.
Lennie Briscoe: It's Greek to me.
Ed Green: [Looks at the ring] Psi Kappa Gamma. She's a sorority girl.
Dr. Elizabeth Rodgers: Don't look at me. I didn't even learn how to apply lipstick until I was 25.
Lennie Briscoe: Well, it looks like you got the hang of it now.
Dr. Elizabeth Rodgers: Thank you, Detective.

"Law & Order: Everybody Loves Raimondo's (#14.20)" (2004)
[At the scene of a double homicide]
Detective Lennie Briscoe: I knew being Chief of Detectives had its benefits. I didn't know they included a table at Raimondo's.
Detective Ed Green: I hear the food here is really good.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Oh, it's to die for.

"Law & Order: White Rabbit (#5.5)" (1994)
Lennie Briscoe: What was the FBI doing in the 70s?
Detective Mike Logan: I don't know... buying feather boas for J. Edgar Hoover?

"Law & Order: Humiliation (#6.7)" (1995)
Rey Curtis: [while searching a store, Lennie's eating a candy bar] Lennie, the warrant says we're supposed to search, not eat.
Lennie Briscoe: I got it covered.
[puts a quarter on the counter]
Rey Curtis: Quarter? Cover the first bite maybe, those things are a dollar.
Lennie Briscoe: In the good old days, kids could afford to get cavities.

"Law & Order: Can I Get a Witness? (#14.16)" (2004)
Foster Keyes: I didn't do nothing!
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Good, then you can come out of the closet.

"Law & Order: Phobia (#11.13)" (2001)
Detective Lennie Briscoe: [finding an abandoned baby stroller] Get CSU down here.
Detective Ed Green: [picking up a nearby baby bottle] Still warm.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Let's hope the kid is.

"Law & Order: Burned (#8.9)" (1997)
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Ok, let me see if I got this straight: Stanley Somebody who's a fashion photographer someplace, lives in some appartment probably in a building at 114th and Riverside, and has a message about a murder of somebody who might be named Dee-dee.
Ellen Rattinger: That's right!
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Yeah, thanks for coming in.

"Law & Order: Disappeared (#8.19)" (1998)
Coffee Shop Clerk: [Briscoe and Curtis are investigating the disappearance of a coffee shop owner] He usually likes to keep a close watch on the cash drawer, but he hasn't been around in a couple of days. Anyway, how about a free large latte on the house?
Det. Lennie Briscoe: Maybe for the kid here, but I'd like a regular coffee.
Coffee Shop Clerk: Okay, how would you like it?
Det. Lennie Briscoe: Uh, regular?

"Law & Order: Breeder (#4.13)" (1994)
Hotel Manager: [seeing bloody sheets on hotel bed] My God, what happened here?
Detective Lennie Briscoe: My guess? the miracle of birth.

"Law & Order: Whose Monkey Is It Anyway? (#11.10)" (2001)
[searching for escaped lab animals]
Det. Lennie Briscoe: Any idea where monkeys hole up when they're on the lam?

"Law & Order: Showtime (#7.17)" (1997)
A.D.A. Jamie Ross: [after Curtis has had an altercation with McCoy outside the courtroom] What was that about?
Jack McCoy: He's just a little upset his wife's about to find out he had an affair on the evening news.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: [to Curtis] I'm told you you should have gone to bed with her. You're getting the grief, you should have had the gravy!

"Law & Order: Kids (#4.15)" (1994)
Ted Parker: You know... you aged better than me.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: You dress better than me.

"Law & Order: Criminal Intent: Poison (#1.7)" (2001)
Detective Ed Green: Hey, does someone mind filling us in on what's going on here?
Detective Robert Goren: Someone's got Anthrax. A whole lot of it.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Great. And exactly when are you going to share this with the rest of the world?
Detective Alexandra Eames: That's up to the Comissioner's Office.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Great. Those Idiots.

"Law & Order: Cruel and Unusual (#5.19)" (1995)
Detective Mike Logan: [Going through the victim's clothes] Is this his stuff?
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Yeah, here. Watch out for lice.
Detective Mike Logan: No lice, lots of lint. Kid was travelling light.

"Law & Order: Matrimony (#7.13)" (1997)
Kim Triandos: We could both get jobs, Mama.
Velma Darcy: You wanna dance naked in Wichita Falls? You want me to dance naked too? The Dancin' Naked Idiot Family?
Jamie Ross: [listening in a van] These family talks are SO heartwarming.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Yeah, I just hope nobody chucks the vase with the microphone in it.

"Law & Order: Benevolence (#3.22)" (1993)
[searching through piles of trash]
Det. Lennie Briscoe: How many apartments are in this building?
Det. Mike Logan: 30.
Det. Lennie Briscoe: Do they ALL have to eat eggs?

"Law & Order: Hubris (#11.9)" (2001)
Detective Lennie Briscoe: How does a con man bamboozle so many smart women?
Detective Ed Green: Practice, practice, practice.

"Law & Order: B*tch (#13.15)" (2003)
Detective Lennie Briscoe: So, somebody clocked him before he fell down.
Assistant M.E. Cantor: That's one possibility. But considering the lack of blood on the stairs, I'm gonna go with the flip side. He tumbled, and then got beaned. Could be with that.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: [Picking up a golf club] So that 's what a one-iron is for.

"Law & Order: Bad Girl (#8.21)" (1998)
Jack McCoy: I talked to the ADA in Brooklyn. He's under a lot of pressure to make drug cases. He can't be seen playing favorites.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: So it's Cathy's bad luck that she's the daughter of a white cop. This ADA, can't you... scratch his back a little bit?
Jack McCoy: I offered to beg off on a couple of cases with concurrent jurisdiction. He turned me down. I got nothing else to offer him. He's a dog with a bone.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Yeah, the bone happens to be my kid.
Jack McCoy: I know, Lennie. I'm sorry.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Thanks anyway.

"Law & Order: Right to Counsel (#3.12)" (1993)
Detective Lennie Briscoe: If Barbara Spiegelman was anything like my ex's mother...
Captain Donald Cragen: Hey, Marge's mother and I aren't exactly hugs and kisses. I smile a lot at Christmas and do everything I can not to answer the phone on Sundays but I don't play Jack the Ripper with a steak knife.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Marge's mother isn't dangling $20 mil in front of your nose.
Captain Donald Cragen: Okay. Talk to them.

"Law & Order: Patient Zero (#14.3)" (2003)
Uniform Cop: He jumped into the car and took off like a bat out of H. E. double hockey sticks.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: What precinct are you from? Sesame Street?

"Law & Order: Evil Breeds (#14.18)" (2004)
Detective Lennie Briscoe: You remember the seven rings of Saturn? Well, these are the two rings of Rikers
[on arresting the suspected thief of a telescope]

"Law & Order: Double Down (#7.19)" (1997)
Det. Lennie Briscoe: [Is waiting for McCoy outside a hospital] Did you put iron in your cheerios this morning?
Jack McCoy: Are you talking to me now?
Det. Lennie Briscoe: Hey, do things our way and we'll talk to you all you want.

"Law & Order: Menace (#7.11)" (1997)
Det. Rey Curtis: [referring to his wife] She left me, Lennie! She took the kids and split. She wants me out of the house.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: [sighs] Why? What happened?
Det. Rey Curtis: I broke my vows with this girl in the park. Just a one-time thing.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: How'd Deborah find out?
Det. Rey Curtis: I told her.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Your second mistake.

"Law & Order: Untitled (#10.20)" (2000)
Betsy Braun: [about a potential suspect] I think he's from Brooklyn.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Why? He had a bad haircut?

"Law & Order: Tabula Rasa (#9.19)" (1999)
Detective Lennie Briscoe: I'd hate to have somebody track me by what I read.
Detective Rey Curtis: You read, Lennie?

"Law & Order: Hands Free (#14.17)" (2004)
Detective Lennie Briscoe: If it's Narcotics Anonymous, how do you know her last name?

"Law & Order: Jeopardy (#6.4)" (1995)
Detective Lennie Briscoe: [watching an old deposition of the victim's] Remind me to borrow this next time I can't sleep.

"Law & Order: Loco Parentis (#10.10)" (2000)
Detective Lennie Briscoe: I had two daughters. One of them was murdered.
James Granick: Because she turned state's evidence in a drug case?
Detective Lennie Briscoe: She was gonna testify against a dealer.
James Granick: So she was selling drugs herself?
A.D.A. Abbie Carmichael: Objection!
Judge Harlan Newfield: Overruled.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: [reluctantly admitting it] Yeah, she was selling drugs.
James Granick: And as her father, under Mr. McCoy's theory, shouldn't you be held criminally responsible for her drug dealing?
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Criminally responsible? No. But I didn't give her the pills and teach her how to sell them.