Elliot Stabler
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Quotes for
Elliot Stabler (Character)
from "Law & Order: Special Victims Unit" (1999)

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"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Snitch (#9.10)" (2007)
Dr. Melinda Warner: [during the murder victim's autopsy] The scarring is from an improperly healed female circumcision.
Elliot Stabler: She was mutilated.
Dr. Melinda Warner: Along with 150 million other women in Africa, The Middle East and parts of Asia.
Olivia Benson: Because men think cutting a woman to shreds will prevent her from being promiscuous.
Dr. Melinda Warner: Done safely, they lose all sexual sensation, but too many die from infection.

Chuckwei Bothame: Are you going to interrogate me In front of my dead wife?
Olivia Benson: Your dead wife is a 15-year-old girl you mutilated.
Chuckwei Bothame: The circumcision was her decision.
Elliot Stabler: You didn't force her?
Chuckwei Bothame: You don't know Nikki. You can't force her to do anything.
Olivia Benson: Well, somebody forced her into the river.

Courtney Williams: You didn't have to come all the way down here in person, Elliot.
Elliot Stabler: We're in a bit of a rush. The body's less than eight hours old.
Courtney Williams: AFIS is almost done with the scan. I'm surprised I hadn't heard from you.
Elliot Stabler: I got back together with my wife.
Courtney Williams: Oh, good for you. Thought that might happen.

Mira Otame: Millions of girls have been circumcised for centuries.
Elliot Stabler: Welcome to the 21st century. Mutilation is a Class E felony and a federal crime.

Sarah Flint: [about Chuckwei] The police jailed him and beat him until he lost the use of his left arm.
Elliot Stabler: Well, Dennis King is gonna do a lot worse to him If he doesn't help us put King away.

Elliot Stabler: [to Chuckwei] You're under protective custody until the trial's over.
Chuckwei Bothame: What about Almani and the children and Sara?
Olivia Benson: Unfortunately, witness protection only extends to immediate family.
Chuckwei Bothame: But they are my family.
Elliot Stabler: In this country, immediate family means your wife and your children.
Chuckwei Bothame: Almani, Sara and the children: they are my immediate family.
Olivia Benson: Nikki was your wife.
Chuckwei Bothame: Yes, and so are Almani and Sara.

Olivia Benson: Chuckwei is a polygamist. He's breaking the law.
John Munch: Not in Nigeria.
Elliot Stabler: If it's legal for a man to have three wives over there, what's he supposed to do when he moves here?
John Munch: Well, in France, they make allowances for pre-existing multiple marriages for African immigrants.
Olivia Benson: We're not in France. That's why we had to arrest him.

Elliot Stabler: [about Chuckwei] Maybe he'll take a plea. Poor guy could get one to three off each count.
Olivia Benson: Poor guy? I find polygamy degrading. His third wife was a 15-year-old that he married over the phone.
Elliot Stabler: Yeah, to save her from religious persecution in Africa.
Olivia Benson: Only to mutilate her in America.

Sarah Flint: In Northern Mozambique, women can have many husbands, so shouldn't it be my choice to decide what kind of marriage I want?
Elliot Stabler: So if you want to marry a cat?

Elliot Stabler: There's no evidence that Chuckwei had more than three wives.
Assistant U.S. Attorney Christine Danielson: That's comforting.
Olivia Benson: We've moved them to a motel, but the families expressed some concern about being seen coming or going.
Assistant U.S. Attorney Christine Danielson: Chuckwei can't leave. The others shouldn't unless they have to.
Olivia Benson: Well, there's seven people living in one room. I mean, Sara goes to work, the children go to school...
Elliot Stabler: We'd like to station a car outside their motel.
Assistant U.S. Attorney Christine Danielson: If I only had the money. This office has $1.2 million to protect thousands of witnesses for the entire fiscal year.
Olivia Benson: I thought that convicting King was a top priority.
Assistant U.S. Attorney Christine Danielson: It is. Which is why we're giving Chuckwei a pass on the polygamy.
Olivia Benson: I'm not a fan, either, but the man Is putting his and his family's life on the line.
Elliot Stabler: All for a trial that's already cost him his wife. I mean, what guy in his right mind would ever become a witness in this system?
Assistant U.S. Attorney Christine Danielson: I wish I could do more, but every dollar I spend on Chuckwei, I'm taking away from another witness's safety. Every one of them wants more protection.
Elliot Stabler: Okay, so what do we tell them?
Assistant U.S. Attorney Christine Danielson: Next time, to witness a federal crime. They know how to treat their witnesses.

Chuckwei Bothame: [after he discovers a threatening note] Tomorrow, Obie Bothame will be beaten to death in front of his mother, brothers and sisters. I won't risk my family's safety.
Olivia Benson: We got the D.A.'s office to put security cameras at the motel.
Sarah Flint: That's not enough to protect us. King knows where we are.
Chuckwei Bothame: No, stop! Stop! No more police, no more investigating. It's over.
Olivia Benson: We'll keep you safe. The D.A.'s office gave us these body alarms. They're a direct line to us.
Chuckwei Bothame: And what about after the trial, huh? What if King is acquitted?
Elliot Stabler: The only way he walks is if you let him.
Chuckwei Bothame: I know men like King. In Nigeria, they kill thousands. They think they are above the law. I came to America because it is a land of dreams. I need it to stay that way.
Elliot Stabler: Well, how can it if you don't talk? Now, you don't wanna go back to the motel. I understand that, fine. Go home. I'll stay with you.
Chuckwei Bothame: You would do that for us?
Elliot Stabler: Look, I need you safe. I need your testimony.

Elliot Stabler: Chuckwei screwed us. We should lock him up for perjury, contempt and polygamy.
Olivia Benson: Don't you think he's been through enough?
Elliot Stabler: Since when did you become his defender?
Olivia Benson: Well, you just said that he lied under oath to protect his family. Now, I can't imagine that's easy for a devout Christian.

Elliot Stabler: [to Braden] How do you sleep at night?
Matthew Braden: Sorry?
Elliot Stabler: You can't win with the truth, so you let your client intimidate good people who stand up to him?
Matthew Braden: If anyone's intimidating witnesses, it's the police and your D.A. You coerce, you plea bargain, you threaten them with criminal charges unless they testify.
Olivia Benson: You know that's not true.

Elliot Stabler: [to King] You're not a man, you're a coward.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Resilience (#4.10)" (2002)
Elliot Stabler: Either you let them rape your daughter or your husband took their semen out of you and did it himself.
Angie Landricks: That's disgusting.
Elliot Stabler: [screams] You're disgusting! You are! Your own child!

Elliot Stabler: Can you tell me who James Randall is?
Sally Landricks: He lives with us.
Elliot Stabler: Is he old like me?
Sally Landricks: Worse.

Elliot Stabler: Can you tell me who these are?
Sally Landricks: That's Phillip and Antwone.
Elliot Stabler: And who's their mom?
Sally Landricks: Mom is.
Elliot Stabler: But who's their real mom?
Sally Landricks: My mom is, stupid. They're my brothers.

Detective Olivia Benson: [to Jackie Landricks] We're gonna call your mom and dad and they'll meet you at the hospital, okay?
Jackie Landricks: No, please don't tell them. They'll kill me.
Elliot Stabler: Jackie, this is not your fault. They're just gonna be glad you're safe.

Elliot Stabler: [to Mr. Landricks] You know, I gotta ask you something. Why would you let a 40-year-old man rent a room right next to your 15-year-old daughter?
Tom Landricks: Why? Because I need my head examined.

James Randall: [after it's revealed that his DNA was inside Jackie Landricks] I swear I never laid a hand on her.
Elliot Stabler: Right. Your little tadpoles just swam in all by themselves.

James Randall: [about Jackie Landricks] I didn't touch the girl!
Elliot Stabler: Don't tell me. You just had sex with her mom.
James Randall: Yeah, that's right.
Detective Olivia Benson: That's pretty ballsy doing it right under her husband's nose.
Elliot Stabler: Oh, the hell. He paid me to do it.
Elliot Stabler: He paid you to have sex with his wife?
James Randall: Yeah. He likes to watch.

Angie Landricks: [about her husband] He wanted me to have the kids.
Elliot Stabler: He wanted you to have the kids.
Angie Landricks: Sally was his last. He can't have any more.
Elliot Stabler: That's very sad. So he just pulls men off the streets and lets them play inseminator?

Elliot Stabler: [after Jackie ends up in the hospital due to a breakdown]
[to Dr. Huang]
Elliot Stabler: She's playing with dolls. How do you know she's not faking?
Dr. George Huang: You don't. Not until you talk to her.
Elliot Stabler: Who, me? No, no. No, no, no. No, you're the shrink.
Dr. George Huang: And you're the dad. That's what she's looking for. Another father.

Jackie Landricks: [to Stabler while she's playing dolls with him] This is Cindy's friend, Bear. He likes her very much, don't you, Bear?
Elliot Stabler: Why does he like her?
Jackie Landricks: Because Cindy knows what Bear wants.
Elliot Stabler: And what do I want?
Jackie Landricks: You want Cindy to be nice to you.
Elliot Stabler: And how are you gonna be nice to me?
Jackie Landricks: She'll make you feel good. Do you want her to show you? It's okay. I know what to do.
Elliot Stabler: Yeah, how do you know what to do?
Jackie Landricks: Cause I've watched.
Elliot Stabler: Who did you watch, Jackie?
Jackie Landricks: My mom.
[stops playing with the dolls]
Elliot Stabler: You watched her with other men? Is that what you want to do?
Jackie Landricks: Daddy said I couldn't.
Jackie Landricks: That's because he is selfish. He just wants to keep you all for himself.
Jackie Landricks: He loves me.
Elliot Stabler: Sometimes people say that they love you and they can do bad things.

Elliot Stabler: You heard Tom Landricks is getting his family back?
John Munch: It gets worse. ACS just called. Jackie's pregnant, wants to keep the baby.
Odafin Tutuola: Daddy's turkey basting worked.

Tom Landricks: There is no way that I would hurt Karen. The kids loved her. You are setting me up! You put those terrible things there.
Elliot Stabler: Under two feet of concrete?
Detective Olivia Benson: Tom, we know that it's Karen.
Cleo Conrad: How for God's sake?
Detective Olivia Benson: Her mitochondrial DNA was an identical match to the grandmother.
Tom Landricks: [to Conrad] What are they talking about? I didn't do anything.
Elliot Stabler: You know something, I'm done with this guy.
[to Tom Landricks]
Elliot Stabler: Yeah, you did. You tied her up, you raped her, you killed her, you tried to hide her body. Next time I see you, you're gonna have a needle in your arm. Keep denying it.

Jackie Landricks: [to Stabler] He's my dad. He did all those horrible things and he's my dad.
Elliot Stabler: But you got away.
Jackie Landricks: Yeah, I did. I'm not gonna keep the baby. It's what Dad would have wanted, isn't it? I'm not gonna do that anymore.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Victims (#2.13)" (2001)
Elliot Stabler: Thomas Marchek kidnapped Corrine Branson, tortured her at knifepoint and left her for dead.
Donald Cragen: I read the file.
Elliot Stabler: I was ready to cap that dirtbag myself. Now you expect me to work his homicide?
Donald Cragen: One Police Plaza does. They asked me to take it, I said yes.
Elliot Stabler: To polish your political apple?

Elliot Stabler: I don't want this case.
Donald Cragen: I'm through explaining myself to you. You caught it, you make it.

Corrine Wilson: [to Stabler] You caught that man.
Elliot Stabler: Yes.
Corrine Wilson: Thank you.
Elliot Stabler: You never have to thank me for that.

Alexandra Cabot: We've twisted suspects in the wind for a lot less than what we've got on paper right now.
Elliot Stabler: Those suspects didn't have a daughter who was raped and had her face sliced up.

Sam Winfield: You know, we're only protecting ourselves against these rapists because you won't. The system puts them in our neighborhoods and then turns its back.
Elliot Stabler: And where exactly would you like them to go?
Sam Winfield: Hell's good and hot.

Donald Cragen: Now the remaining two parolees on the list, Trent Wills and James Campbell are to get round-the-clock protection.
Elliot Stabler: Captain, what are we supposed to do about the honest, hard-working people who actually need us?

Donald Cragen: Elliot? How far you gonna push this?
Elliot Stabler: Captain?
Donald Cragen: No, since I assigned this case you have questioned my orders and disrespected my command. Now, I've cut you some slack because of our relationship, but this well is running pretty dry. Are we clear?
Elliot Stabler: Yes, sir.
Donald Cragen: I get enough crap from the politicians. I don't need any from my own detectives. I need a break, Elliot. Find me one.

Elliot Stabler: [to Winfield] Give up your 9MM for testing.
Sam Winfield: No.
Elliot Stabler: Then why do we have to go through this, then? You gonna play us, we'll just keep right on digging.
Sam Winfield: Then grab a shovel, brother.

Elliot Stabler: [to Winfield] The problem is anyone you don't like, they wind up dead.

Sam Winfield: [to Stabler] Just another day on the thin blue line, Detective? You better watch out.
Elliot Stabler: Yeah.
Sam Winfield: Or you'll wind up just like me.
Elliot Stabler: Well, thanks for the advice.

Elliot Stabler: [about Winfield] So we pad our win column at the expense of a good cop because he made a judgment call?
Donald Cragen: If he killed those men, I don't give a damn how many commendations he had. He's a murderer and we're going to nail his ass. Now do you have a problem with that?

Elliot Stabler: [to Winfield] I had my own Alan Cryter. Insurance salesman. Ran his business out of a converted garage in Queens. Well liked. Would invite the neighborhood kids up for ice cream and stories. One day, a six-year-old girl goes missing from a playground in Soho. Actually long story short, we find her underneath the floorboards of his office, along with three other children. All of them in various stages of decomposition,but he is gone and I'm left with a cold case. And two years nothing but silence and headaches. I developed these debilitating headaches. I wasn't sleeping a lot. I kept having these recurring nightmares where my own children would be underneath these floorboards that I couldn't pry up. And then one day I'm just gassing up my car in Chelsea and there he is. and before I know it, I've got his face sandwiched between his windshield and the muzzle of my gun and I'm yelling, "Freeze." And I realize that I'm yelling at myself because I can't stop my finger from pulling the trigger. And I'm praying for him to blink. I'm praying for him to twitch. Just do something to give me an excuse. And then I see a face inside of his car. It's a girl, this beautiful, little six-year-old girl. These big eyes. I figured she'd seen enough.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Disappearing Acts (#4.5)" (2002)
U.S. Marshal #1: [Opening Garage Door]
Gavin Sipes: Dad!
U.S. Marshal #1: Oh, my God.
Gavin Sipes: Dad! No! Dad!
FBI Agent #2: [Seeing Elliot Stabler and Olivia Benson running on the scene with their guns out. Pull's out his gun] Drop it! Do it now!
Elliot Stabler: [Gun drawn] NYPD.
U.S. Marshal #1: [Aiming a shot gun at Elliot and Stabler] Drop the gun!
FBI Agent #2: [Aiming his gun at Elliot and Stabler] Drop it!
U.S. Marshal #1: [Aiming shotgun at Elliot and Stabler] I said drop it.
Olivia Benson: [Olivia's and Elliot's guns aimed at Marshall's] Hold up. We're cops.
U.S. Marshal #1: [Shotgun aimed at Elliot and Olivia] I don't give a damn. Drop it or I'll drop you.
U.S. Marshal #1: [Elliot and Olivia drop their weapons] Both of you on the ground. Move! You too on the ground. Get their guns and cuff them.

Elliot Stabler: [In the U.S. Marshall Interrogation room] I already told you what happen.
U.S. Marshal #2: Tell it to me again. How'd you get the address?
Elliot Stabler: Peter Sipes gave it to me.
U.S. Marshal #2: Then it's convenient for you he's dead since we can't corroborate your story.
Elliot Stabler: Yeah, that's one way of looking at it.
U.S. Marshal #2: No, that's how it is.
Elliot Stabler: Well, this is crazy, and I'm due a phone call.
U.S. Marshal #2: Who else did you talk to?

U.S. Marshal #2: [In the U.S. Marshall Interrogation room] How much do you make a year?
Elliot Stabler: It depends on overtime, but why don't we say $68,940.
U.S. Marshal #2: Must be hard to make ends meet with a family of six.
Elliot Stabler: I'm a cop.
U.S. Marshal #2: And the NYPD has a history of being squeaky clean.
Elliot Stabler: I want my phone call.
U.S. Marshal #2: We can hold you for up to 72 hours without giving you one. Fallout from 9/11. Who else did you talk to?
Elliot Stabler: I'm done talking. Charge me or let me go.
U.S. Marshal #2: Have a seat.
Elliot Stabler: You know we had nothing to do with the hit. I'm not confessing, so why don't you just let me go? You think I don't use these tactics myself?
U.S. Marshal #2: I can make you sit down, Detective Stabler. Up to you.

Elliot Stabler: [after the detectives discover that Amanda Curry is not incarcerated anymore] She's gone. Metropolitan Correctional claims they never even heard of her.
Donald Cragen: I got a call from the US Attorney's office with assurances. As soon as we make an arrest, they will produce Amanda Curry for trial.
Olivia Benson: How are we supposed to do that without the cooperation of our complaining witness?

Elliot Stabler: [When Claudia Williams refuses to reveal the whereabouts of Peter Sipes] You know, I don't care who that woman works for. We can't let her do that.
Alexandra Cabot: Claudia Williams is doing her job. She has an obligation to protect her witnesses.
Elliot Stabler: We have an obligation to protect innocent women, so whose side of the fence you gonna sit on?
Alexandra Cabot: You seem awfully sure Peter Sipes is guilty.
Olivia Benson: What are we supposed to think? It can't be easy losing your identity, starting over. These people cost him his past, they're threatening his survival.
Alexandra Cabot: I'm just not so sure he would jeopardize his last line of defense against the very people who want him dead.
Olivia Benson: What you're saying is then that organized crime takes precedence over rape.
Alexandra Cabot: Arguments can be made for both.
Elliot Stabler: Alex, we don't have that luxury. We're working with a serial rapist here and the next woman, I'm telling you, he's gonna kill her.
Alexandra Cabot: I will file a habeas in the morning. If Claudia Williams cannot produce the body, the judge is going to find her in contempt.

Elliot Stabler: [about Peter's son, Gavin] Peter, the mob's gonna wise up pretty soon if they haven't already. He's targeting their women. Now, what do you think they're gonna do to him?
Peter Sipes: They're not gonna do anything. He's gonna hide. I cut him off. I'm broke. I can't pay his bills anymore.
Elliot Stabler: Which means he's a dead man. He's got an addiction. He can't lay low for long.
Olivia Benson: If you love him, turn him in.

Asst. US Attorney Claudia Williams: [to Stabler and Benson] You are officially under investigation by the FBI. Your police jackets and your financial records have been subpoenaed. New York Police Department has been duly notified.
Elliot Stabler: This is a witch hunt and you know it. You lost a witness, so you need someone to blame.
Asst. US Attorney Claudia Williams: Two men are dead. I told you to back off. You didn't, you pay.

Donald Cragen: [to Stabler] How you holding up?
Elliot Stabler: Denied my civil liberties, treated like some skell, suspected of conspiracy to commit murder, but, you know, I think I've hit bottom.

Elliot Stabler: [to Gavin Sipes] Your mother betrayed you. Both your parents betrayed you.
Gavin Sipes: No.
Elliot Stabler: No? So why are you raping innocent women in some local mob boss's life?
Gavin Sipes: Innocent?
Elliot Stabler: Yeah.
Gavin Sipes: Petra was a stripper, living off the proceeds of Sergei's victims, his sister, Tatiana decided where the illegals would work off their debts and Amanda was washing off the blood from their money. Those bitches lost their innocence way before I was even born.

Gavin Sipes: What was I supposed to do? They were gonna kill me.
Elliot Stabler: Yeah, and now we will. Murder of a law enforcement officer is an automatic needle.

Elliot Stabler: [to Claudia Williams] What's your next move?
Asst. US Attorney Claudia Williams: That's just it, Detective. I don't have one.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Rescue (#12.10)" (2010)
Elliot Stabler: Is our victim awake yet?
Dr. Cutler: I hope not. She's in the morgue.

Elliot Stabler: One of the paramedics raped Caitlyn?

Elliot Stabler: [to Olivia] So how long is this gonna go on?
Olivia Benson: What, Calvin painting?
Elliot Stabler: You playing mom.
Olivia Benson: Come on, El. The kid's been through hell.
Elliot Stabler: Okay.
Olivia Benson: He's got a junkie mother, being abandoned... I'm just trying to give him some stability in his life.

Elliot Stabler: [to Jill about Caitlin's death] Come on, now. Is that a lip quiver coming from the girl who set the trap for the slut?

Elliot Stabler: [to Olivia after speaking with the paramedics, Tinta and O'Doole] Now, am I crazy or did our brethren just lie straight to our faces?

Elliot Stabler: [to Olivia] Let's go talk to the Donohos.
Olivia Benson: Well, that'll send us on a wild goose chase.
Elliot Stabler: Or it'll give us a chance to maybe find Vivian. Is that why you're dragging your feet?
Olivia Benson: Excuse me?
Elliot Stabler: Look, you've had four cups of coffee, you cleaned out your inbox, that's the first time that's happened in a month, all because you don't wanna go out there and try and find the woman that murdered Burlock.
Olivia Benson: Okay, we don't even know that she murdered Burlock and if she did, we should give her a medal.
Elliot Stabler: I agree with you, so let's find her and pin it on her chest. Look, we can't stall on this the way you've been stalling about finding Calvin's dad.
Olivia Benson: What?
Elliot Stabler: I found the swab yesterday. I know that you didn't send in Calvin's DNA to the lab.
Olivia Benson: You're snooping through my desk?
Elliot Stabler: You left your drawer open. I went to close it. There it was. That's it.
Olivia Benson: I thought that I sent in the swab, so if I didn't, I forgot and I made a mistake. I'll send it in now.
Elliot Stabler: I already did.
Olivia Benson: Good. Elliot, do me a favor. Let me take point on this.

Donald Cragen: Olivia, you're not going anywhere.
Olivia Benson: I'm not?
A.D.A. Gillian Hardwicke: You have custody of our suspect's son.
Olivia Benson: And you think that's a conflict of interest.
A.D.A. Gillian Hardwicke: Her attorney will. A smart one might even say you rigged the game all along, exerted undue influence so you could get your hands on Calvin.
Elliot Stabler: Vivian signed him over to her.
Donald Cragen: A confused move by an addict being manipulated by a detective desperate to start her own family.
Olivia Benson: Is that how you see me?
A.D.A. Gillian Hardwicke: Only matters how a jury sees you.
Olivia Benson: I didn't ask about a jury.
Donald Cragen: And I'm not asking you to stand down.

Donald Cragen: [to Stabler] Is your partner okay?
Elliot Stabler: Yeah, she's fine. She'll be better once Vivian Arliss is in custody, so we'll call you when I track her down.
Donald Cragen: You're off the case too.
Elliot Stabler: Who is going to accuse me of stealing anyone's kid? I already got five of my own.

Donald Cragen: [to Olivia] What the hell were you doing? Could I have been any clearer about you standing down?
Olivia Benson: I'm sorry.
Donald Cragen: Sorry is not even In the ballpark of where you need to be.
Elliot Stabler: What are we doing? She's the one who collared Vivian. Isn't that what we wanted?
Donald Cragen: You think you're gonna escape a rip here? You defied a direct order just like she did.
[to Fin and Munch]
Donald Cragen: And you two knew she was AWOL and you called him, not me.
Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: We just tried to make the play, Captain.
Olivia Benson: This is on me. It's not on them.
Donald Cragen: Playing the martyr is not gonna work here. Everybody's getting burned this time.

Elliot Stabler: So Sarah killed Burlock for raping Vivian's mother and now Gambel kills Sarah for murdering his master.
Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: Even in death, Burlock still has an iron grip on his prison bitch.

Olivia Benson: [When Olivia learns that she is no longer Calvin's legal guardian] Vivian, you did this. You talked to David. You're the one who's shipping him off to Vermont.
Vivian Arliss: I'm doing it because it's the best thing for him 'cause I'm his mom.
Elliot Stabler: [to Olivia] It was always temporary.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Payback (#1.1)" (1999)
Elliot Stabler: [after being asked why he joined SVU] I think sex should be one of the best experiences in life, not one of the worst.

Detective Elliot Stabler: Ok, so it's not robbery, but stabbings aren't necessarily sexual. You know sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. Is there a specific reason you called us out?
Bremmer: Whoever did this sliced off his cigar and took it with him. Is that specific enough?
Detective Olivia Benson: Works for me.

Detective John Munch: What about your erstwhile partner?
Detective Elliot Stabler: Oh, I'd love to John, but my presence is required in court this morning.
Detective Brian Cassidy: I read about it in the news. City councilman right?
Detective Elliot Stabler: Weenie wagger.

Detective Olivia Benson: [Stabler returns from testifying against a 'weenie wagger'] Hey, how'd it go?
Detective Elliot Stabler: He's in Bellevue.
Detective Olivia Benson: The jury came back that fast?
Detective Elliot Stabler: He waved his flag at 'em before they got the chance. Nobody saluted.

Captain Donald Cragen: Okay, Olivia, let's just say the vic had the misfortune of buying the wrong hack license. Spicer's the target. Who wanted him dead?
Detective John Munch: Whoever called the dispatcher.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Wow.
Detective Olivia Benson: Nice. Good stuff. Keep that.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Thanks, thanks a lot.
Detective John Munch: It never stops.
Detective John Munch: [to Cragen about donuts] You know they have more varieties than that.

Detective Elliot Stabler: That was the M.E. The stab wounds... 37 of them. This still reads gay to me.
Captain Donald Cragen: Panacek's prints are clean here, right?
Detective Elliot Stabler: Yes.
Captain Donald Cragen: So do this by the numbers. He's illegal, send a set to Interpol too.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Forensics report...
Captain Donald Cragen: What?
Detective Elliot Stabler: They found part of a fingernail in the front seat of the cab with red nail polish on it.
Detective Olivia Benson: Dispatcher said that he thought it might have been a woman who called about Spicer.
Captain Donald Cragen: Kind of undercuts your gay theory, huh?
Detective Elliot Stabler: Could be a he/she?
Captain Donald Cragen: Didn't two of Spicer's married johns take a bust?
Detective Olivia Benson: Yeah, about six months ago vice was targeting the piers.
Captain Donald Cragen: I'm sure their wives must have been thrilled.
Captain Donald Cragen: [Munch chuckles] What are you doing?
Detective John Munch: Eavesdropping.

Gallery Owner: My wife's bisexual, but she prefers women.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Oh, lucky for her.

[offers a bucket of licorice]
Captain Donald Cragen: You can't trust the computers. They get backed up and don't input the releases.
Detective Olivia Benson: That's why I talked to the watch captain and had then check personally to see if Spicer's still there.
Captain Donald Cragen: Well, why is this ours?
Detective Elliot Stabler: Doer sliced off the vic's unit.
[spits out licorice]

Det. Olivia Benson: I went down to the hack bureau. Our dead guy, Victor Spicer? His licence was suspened when he got 11 months for assault.
Elliot Stabler: And?
Det. Olivia Benson: He's still in Rikers.

Elliot Stabler: How do you know Stefan Tanzer?
Anya Rugova: He murdered my husband and my grandson with a hatchet, why?
Detective Olivia Benson: He was murdered sometime between Wednesday night and Thursday morning.
Anya Rugova: Good.

Detective Brian Cassidy: What's that?
Elliot Stabler: [handing a report to Cragen] Take a look at that. Fingerprint check on Pancek. I'd say that gives us a whole different kind of motive.
Captain Donald Cragen: [glancing at the report] See if any of the victims are in the New York area. Your partner may not like this.
Elliot Stabler: Why? It's a murder investigation.
Captain Donald Cragen: Yeah. Yeah, it is. Just don't let her forget we don't get to pick the vic.
[Much and Cassidy exchange confused glances]
Detective John Munch: Are we missing some key piece of information here?
Elliot Stabler, Captain Donald Cragen: Shut up, John.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Wet (#12.5)" (2010)
Detective Olivia Benson: You get anything out of Skinny and Dipper?
Detective Elliot Stabler: Yeah, he can't stop staring at her ass and she can't wait to never see him again.

CSU: [showing Benson and Stabler something on the body] Detectives? This is not a fashion statement.
Detective Elliot Stabler: So our perp cut off a hunk of her hair as a keepsake.
Detective Olivia Benson: So he can relive every sick moment.
Detective Elliot Stabler: 'Till he finds his next victim.

Detective Olivia Benson: Captain say how long we'd be here?
Detective Elliot Stabler: Nah. He's at the old precinct trying to clean it up.
Detective Olivia Benson: You hope they condemn it.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Hell, yeah. After a flood like that, I don't even want to know where that water's been.
Detective Olivia Benson: Not to mention this place is closer to your house.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Yeah? Something wrong with that?

Sassoon: That girl in the fountain was already dead when I cut her hair.
Detective Olivia Benson: Yeah, but not when you raped her. You're going down for that and murder.
Sassoon: No, no, I got a lullaby.
Detective Elliot Stabler: You want to sing us a few bars?
Sassoon: I was at Bananatrama all night.
Detective Elliot Stabler: That's an alibi, not a lullaby, you moron.

Detective Elliot Stabler: Bad news. Night manager of Bananatrama confirms Sassoon's "lullaby". He's a regular. He was booted out of there for giving Miss Terry an unwanted bob.
Detective Olivia Benson: What time?
Detective Elliot Stabler: 4:30. After our Jane Doe was drowned.
Detective Olivia Benson: So we're back to nothing.
A.D.A. Mikka Von: [entering] Speak for yourself. Mikka Von, your new ADA.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Hey. Stabler, Benson.
A.D.A. Mikka Von: I don't get first names?
Detective Olivia Benson: Well, we go through ADAs pretty fast around here. What do you got?
A.D.A. Mikka Von: DNA from the semen inside your victim.
Detective Elliot Stabler: You work fast.
Detective Olivia Benson: Well, it says here that it belongs to a woman. Monica Worley, collared for assaulting a cop at the Republican National Convention in '04.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Yeah, I got an SVU fun fact for you: semen only comes from guys.
A.D.A. Mikka Von: There were no hits on the sample. So I asked the lab to run a partial match.
Detective Olivia Benson: Which points to Monica's brother as our perp.

Witt Worley: This wouldn't be so bad if it was me and that lady cop instead of you.
Detective Elliot Stabler: You want to do to my partner what you did to that blond girl last night?:
Witt Worley: My reputation precedes me.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Yeah.
Witt Worley: What'd she say?
Detective Elliot Stabler: Ehh, she's not doing too much talking. Yeah, being raped and murdered will do that to you.

Witt Worley: Okay, me and blondie had sex, but I sure as hell didn't rape and kill her.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Blondie? What's her real name?
Witt Worley: She never said. She just came up to me near the reservoir and said she was hot and wet.
Detective Elliot Stabler: A stranger in the park throws herself at you because, why, you're so charismatic?
Witt Worley: Look, the sex was consensual, okay? She even took out a tampon before we did it.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Okay. Where's the tampon?
Witt Worley: Killer ate it. My dachshund. I had to take him to the vet.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Your dog ate your homework? You just got an "F" for your alibi.

Dr. Vincent Prochik: [Benson was accidentally dosed with psychedelic mushrooms] Glad to see you're okay, Olivia. Fungi should never hurt anyone.
Detective Olivia Benson: [to Stabler] Get anything useful yet?
Detective Elliot Stabler: Uh, no, but I've had it about up to here with the... "subtle and the disgusting"?
Dr. Vincent Prochik: Subtle and the gross, detective. Gross as in big, like gross profit. Have you ever been on a beach?
Detective Elliot Stabler: [sotto to Benson] You see, watch this. He keeps doing these sudden mental pivots.

Dr. Vincent Prochik: Lindsay Elding. She wanted to privatize water. It's a resource that belongs to everyone.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Doesn't justify murder.
Dr. Vincent Prochik: Oh, I agree. I hate to say it but... Yay! She's dead!
Detective Olivia Benson: She had a daughter, Dr. Prochick. Who's now gonna grow up without a dad.
Dr. Vincent Prochik: [Correcting Benson] You mean a mom?
Detective Elliot Stabler: A mother. That you dosed with several kinds of South American mushrooms. Your specialty.
[Stabler slides a photograph across the table to Prochik]
Detective Elliot Stabler: We have a photo that puts you at the scene.
Detective Olivia Benson: [Suddenly delirious] At Niagara Falls? Ring a bell?
Detective Elliot Stabler: [to Benson] Detective, are you okay?
Detective Olivia Benson: [still delirious] We saw you on the roof with your gunmen.
Detective Elliot Stabler: What's going on?
Detective Olivia Benson: I'm not the one who stabbed the Captain with a pickle!
Dr. Vincent Prochik: Uh-oh. Let me look at you.
[Stabler intervenes and holds off Prochik]
Detective Elliot Stabler: I need you to back off.
Dr. Vincent Prochik: [to Benson] Let me see your eyes.
Detective Elliot Stabler: [to Prochik] You, stay there.
Dr. Vincent Prochik: Quick, catch her. She's gonna fall.
Detective Elliot Stabler: [Benson starts to pass out but Stabler catches her] Liv. Liv! Get a bus! We need a bus! Officer down!

A.D.A. Mikka Von: [walking out of the courthouse with Stabler] I think we're gonna make a great team
Detective Elliot Stabler: Me too.
[Stabler sees Cragen walking up the courthouse steps]
Detective Elliot Stabler: Captain. How's the old place?
Donald Cragen: It's all getting squared away.
A.D.A. Mikka Von: Captain Cragen. I've been looking forward to meeting you. Mikka Von, your new ADA.
Donald Cragen: Yeah, well, nice knowing you. Your boss called. He's tied up. Asked me to deliver a message. Pack your bags. Go back to Chicago.
A.D.A. Mikka Von: [scoffs] I'm being fired by proxy?
Detective Elliot Stabler: What's going on?
Donald Cragen: Apparently, you sent a defense attorney on vacation, sub rosa. D.A. doesn't like dirty tricks.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Unless he's the one doing them.
Donald Cragen: I'm sorry.
A.D.A. Mikka Von: [to Stabler] Well, I guess I gotta go take my loft off the market.
Detective Elliot Stabler: [shakes hands with Mikka] Been nice working with you.
A.D.A. Mikka Von: Back at you.
[Mikka walks away]
Donald Cragen: She one of the good ones?
Detective Elliot Stabler: Yeah.

Judge Miranski: [Stabler walks away from the judge, having failed to get a recess before the judge turns his attention back to Prochik] Continue, Dr. Prochik
Dr. Vincent Prochik: Uh, yes. I killed the Cola Queen. Because she was trying to play God. Who shall live and who shall die?
Detective Elliot Stabler: [removes his suit jacket, clearly faking] I'm hot.
Dr. Vincent Prochik: Our very survival depends on fresh water.
Detective Elliot Stabler: [removing his tie] Oh, boy is it hot in here.
Judge Miranski: [sternly] Detective Stabler!
Detective Elliot Stabler: [unbuttoning his shirt] Are you hot in here? I didn't order that pizza. I didn't order that pizza. I don't even like anchovies.
Judge Miranski: Detective!
Detective Elliot Stabler: All I want to do is get to the Garden.
Judge Miranski: That's it. I find you in contempt. Officers, restrain this man.
A.D.A. Mikka Von: Your Honor, Detective Stabler was exposed to neurotxic mushrooms in the line of duty. He is not in compos mentis.
Detective Elliot Stabler: [being taken out by the court officers] Your Honor, Al and Mike and Todd were gonna go water skiing at the Garden.
Judge Miranski: Call an ambulance.
Detective Elliot Stabler: I didn't order that pizza. Your Honor, I'm not even a fan of anchovies. Boy, is it hot in here.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Identity (#6.12)" (2005)
[the detectives are interrogating a sex therapist who used some controversial experimental procdeures on teenagers]
Elliot Stabler: Doc, I saw the 'art' in your office, and even I was uncomfortable with how many phalluses were on display.
Dr. Preston Blair: That's because you're a bourgeios American, completely uptight about sex. It's what screws up your children and turns them into sex offenders.
Elliot Stabler: ...You lost me at 'bourgeois.'

Detective Olivia Benson: Do you realize that disseminating pornography to a minor is a felony?
Dr. Preston Blair: I showed them art books.
Elliot Stabler: Doc, I saw the art in your office, and even I was uncomfortable at how many phalluses were on display.
Dr. Preston Blair: That's because you're a bourgeois American, completely uptight about sex. It's what screws up your children and turns them into sex offenders.
Elliot Stabler: You lost me at "bourgeois".

Elliot Stabler: [to Carmen and Tiny] Ladies, sorry for your loss.
Carmen: I didn't lose. I'm high scorer.
Elliot Stabler: I'm talking about your gang brother, Luis.
Tiny: We ain't no bangers.
Detective Olivia Benson: [looking at Tiny's nails] Sweetie, you have SCA stenciled across your nails.
Tiny: Gotta belong somewhere, yo.
Elliot Stabler: Right, with a bunch of guys who abuse you?
Carmen: Assassins take care of us.
Detective Olivia Benson: How? By using you as drug mules? Pimping you out? Beating you up?
Tiny: It's better than the crap I get at home.

Elliot Stabler: That's why the Feds are here: mail fraud, ongoing criminal conspiracy. They'll be trying you under RICO.
Carmen: Never heard of him.
Detective Olivia Benson: Sweetheart, it's a law that'll keep you in jail till you're old and wrinkled.
Elliot Stabler: Unless you wanna tell me who can call the dogs off Katie.
Carmen: I ain't talking to no police! Let's go meet Rico whoever the hell he is.

Dr. Melinda Warner: I'm still waiting for DNA results from saliva off the bite marks, but I did run a chromosomal analysis to narrow down a few genetic traits.
Elliot Stabler: Great. We'll print up flyers, hope somebody recognizes her genes.

Odafin Tutuola: Luis comes up here to rape Katie. Instead, he finds another banger tagging his turf.
Elliot Stabler: And he teaches him a lesson by making him his bitch?

Dr. Rebecca Hendrix: How many children have you had who caused the death of their attackers? You have to appreciate how much that compounds the trauma of the sexual assault.
Detective Olivia Benson: And you have to appreciate that this is an open homicide. He's gonna have to work with us.
Dr. Rebecca Hendrix: I don't have to tell you the staggering statistics on how few boys report their rapes.
Detective Olivia Benson: No, you don't.
Dr. Rebecca Hendrix: And there might be other factors. If Logan is homosexual, he may feel he somehow brought it on himself.
Elliot Stabler: He's coming to terms with his sexuality. He's conflicted. It's a theory.

Elliot Stabler: [about Lindsay] Why is she taking the blame for him?
Dr. Rebecca Hendrix: They're twins. They develop closer bonds than most siblings. There are documented cases where one twin, thousands of miles away, knew the exact moment when the other one died.
Detective Olivia Benson: What, Lindsay empathically sensed when Logan was attacked?

Detective Olivia Benson: [to Mr. and Mrs. Stanton about Lindsay] Well, we understand that you sent her to a sex therapist. Along with her brother.
Elliot Stabler: Is there something going on between them? Sexually?
Mrs. Stanton: Oh, my God. Of course not.
Elliot Stabler: If you know they're having sex and you've allowed it to continue under your roof, we can arrest both of you for endangering the welfare of your children.
Mr. Stanton: Okay, we're done here. Get out of my house.
[the detectives leave the Stanton house]
Detective Olivia Benson: That pushed some buttons.
Elliot Stabler: He's just pissed they ran out of excuses.

Dr. Preston Blair: [about Lindsay] In order for the experiment to work, she has to look like a girl, be treated like a girl, and taught to act like a girl.
Elliot Stabler: Your experiment didn't work.
Dr. Preston Blair: I disagree.
Detective Olivia Benson: Lindsay's miserable.
Dr. Preston Blair: What 14-year-old girl isn't?

Detective Olivia Benson: [after Dr. Blair is murdered and the Stanton twins are considered suspects] Can we charge both of them?
Casey Novak: And what, have two separate trials? Dual theories of the crime give each of them grounds for dismissal.
Detective Olivia Benson: They came up with the perfect crime.
Casey Novak: Until you get one of them to flip.
Elliot Stabler: That's not gonna happen. They're way too close.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Rooftop (#3.4)" (2001)
Elliot Stabler: [Stabler is sitting across the table from Leon] So, how many little girls have you had sex with since you got out?
Leon Tate: Hey, man, you ain't have no right to follow me.
Elliot Stabler: Hey, hey, hey. Don't tell me how to do my job. Answer the question.
Leon Tate: So you can put me away again for nothin'?
Leon Tate: [shakes his head wordlessly]
Leon Tate: Hey, man, listen, the young ladies feel me. It's not my fault.
Elliot Stabler: It is if they're jailbait.
Leon Tate: They wanna pleasure me, who am I to stop them?
Elliot Stabler: If you infect them with your H.I.V., it's their problem, too, right?
Leon Tate: Look, man, you-you-you-you ambushed us before I even had an opportunity to tell her. I have protection.
Elliot Stabler: [leans forward] Her protection is me putting you back in your little cage.
Leon Tate: W-w-w-why don't you just get off my case, man?
Elliot Stabler: [shakes head slightly] 'Cause I don't like you.
Leon Tate: [licks lips; shakes head] Alright, well, I don't have nothing else to say 'til my legal aid gets here.
Elliot Stabler: [makes a face and gets up]

Fin Tutuola: Problem is, even if the woman lies about her age, it's still the man's fault.
John Munch: Ignorance is no defense.
Olivia Benson: Nashika Morris is 14. She's not a woman; she's a girl.
Fin Tutuola: What's the guy supposed to do? Check the girl's birth certificate? I'm just as opposed to rape as everybody else in this room, but if she wanted to have sex, that's her choice. She wasn't forced.
Elliot Stabler: She's a minor. What she wants isn't relevant.
A.D.A. Alexandra Cabot: [as she and Dr. Huang walk into the squad room] Are we interrupting?
John Munch: Friendly disagreement.

Captain Donald Cragen: [to Stabler] I don't remember telling you to tail Leon Tate.
Elliot Stabler: I heard he was out. Just keeping my eye on him.
Captain Donald Cragen: Well, this squad doesn't have enough bodies for you and your partner to go freelancing.
Elliot Stabler: I'd like to think that we saved a young girl's life tonight.
Captain Donald Cragen: And we would need a new unit if we were to follow every perv that we thought might repeat. Leon Tate did his time and until somebody makes a complaint, he has rights.
Elliot Stabler: This guy's penis is a deadly weapon and he's got a thing for young girls. They got rights, too.
Captain Donald Cragen: Until Cabot gives us the word, you back off. Are we clear?

Olivia Benson: [when the judge decides not to civily commit Leon Tate] Judge was afraid to stick her neck out.
Elliot Stabler: Maybe she'll change her mind when we wheel a body into her chambers.

Elliot Stabler: [to a teenage girl about Leon] You know Casanova here has HIV?
Melissa: [to Leon] That the truth?
Leon Tate: Yo, man, don't believe them.
Melissa: No. Is it the truth?
Leon Tate: Yo, I got protection.
Melissa: I don't care if you got a bulletproof vest for that thing. You should have told me.
[walks away]

Elliot Stabler: [to Fin] You okay?
Fin Tutuola: Yeah. I just don't like some guy making my home turf dangerous for young girls.
Elliot Stabler: I thought you grew up in Brooklyn.
Fin Tutuola: Nope. About 10 blocks from here. Ground Zero for the '68 riots.
Elliot Stabler: What was that like?
Fin Tutuola: I was six. My mother said the only way we're leaving our apartment was if somebody burned it down.

Dr. George Huang: [about the murderer] Rape is about anger, but I'm not sure it's the women that set him off. I think following him might have made his anger boil over.
Elliot Stabler: Oh, so Aisha Thompson's death is our fault?

Fin Tutuola: Spent a lot of time on my rooftop when I was a kid. It was safe back then.
Elliot Stabler: Doing the wild thing with your girlfriend?
Fin Tutuola: You know, when you live here you can't afford a vacation to Aruba, so you went to "Isle of Aroofa." Tar Beach. Plus the guys like to come up here 'cause this is where the girls would come hang out.
Elliot Stabler: I grew up in Queens. AII I ever wanted was the excitement of the city. Sounds like all you ever wanted was quiet. We should've traded places.

Elliot Stabler: [after another teenage girl is found murdered on a rooftop] Well, if it's Leon's work, he's improvising.
Dr. Melinda Warner: Couldn't have been Leon Tate.
Elliot Stabler: What are you talking about?
Dr. Melinda Warner: The victim's still in rigor. Probably killed this morning. Tate was dead by last night.
[Stabler looks shocked]
Olivia Benson: Elliot...
Elliot Stabler: I wanted it to be Leon.
Olivia Benson: Everything fit.
Elliot Stabler: We wasted time. Another girl's dead because I went down the wrong road.

Alva Tate: [to Stabler] You happy now?
Elliot Stabler: Mrs. Tate, I'm sorry about Leon.
Alva Tate: Don't you dare say you're sorry. You're glad he's dead. He didn't kill those girls, but you killed him anyway. You murdered him.
Fin Tutuola: Mrs. Tate, Detective Stabler was doing his job.
Alva Tate: My son was innocent.
Fin Tutuola: Your son was gonna kill somebody with his HIV. We had to stop him. We didn't put the needle in his arm.
Alva Tate: You didn't, but you all stick together, don't you?
[walks away]
Elliot Stabler: Fin, thanks for taking my back with Mrs. Tate.
Fin Tutuola: Leon was scum. He was gonna kill some innocent girl if you didn't stop him.

Elliot Stabler: Well, my old man never approved of a single thing I ever did, I don't go around raping and killing young girls.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Burned (#8.11)" (2007)
Detective Olivia Benson: [after Olivia roughs up the perp] You got a problem?
Detective Elliot Stabler: Just nice to see someone else with anger issues.

Judge Harrison: There were no grounds to issue the order of protection in the first place, but these days jurists feel so pressure by femi-Nazis, they just hand them out like candy.
Detective Olivia Benson: Well, I read the court transcript. Valerie Sennet feared for her life and you just dismissed her.
Judge Harrison: She probably watched too many women in jeopardy movies. There's no history of violence or abuse in this case.
Detective Olivia Benson: Well, explain the assault last night. Her husband raped her.
Judge Harrison: If you had the evidence to prove that, you wouldn't be here. Or do you always jump to conclusions?
Detective Elliot Stabler: It's our job to believe the victims, Your Honor.
Judge Harrison: I work in family court. It's my job to believe whoever's lying the least.

Detective Elliot Stabler: Miles Sennet's on a business trip. He'll be back tonight.
Detective Olivia Benson: That's convenient.

Donald Cragen: What evidence do we have?
Detective Olivia Benson: CSU found hair and fibers at the victim's house. They're running them now. Positive for intercourse, negative for fluids.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Which means he wore a condom. Doesn't sound like any husband I know.
Detective Olivia Benson: Well, unless it was premeditated and he went there to humiliate her.

Detective Olivia Benson: Valerie Sennet has no reason to lie.
Judge Harrison: Sure, she does. For the spoils of war. Accuse your husband of abuse and tip the balance in your favor.
Detective Elliot Stabler: The silver bullet strategy.
Judge Harrison: Also known as sexual assault in divorce. It's very popular these days.
[to Stabler]
Judge Harrison: You have personal experience?
Detective Elliot Stabler: A divorce lawyer suggested my wife go in that direction, but she didn't hire him.

Detective Olivia Benson: Valerie Sennet was raped. End of story.
Detective Elliot Stabler: You seem awfully convinced of that.
Detective Olivia Benson: And I think your current situation is coloring your judgment.
Detective Elliot Stabler: My current situation?
Detective Olivia Benson: You don't normally empathize with the suspect.
Detective Elliot Stabler: It's not empathy. It's outrage. The guy never touched his wife.
Detective Olivia Benson: Until last night, Elliot. You saw the bruises.
Detective Elliot Stabler: That doesn't prove rape.
Detective Olivia Benson: Is that your gut talking?
Detective Elliot Stabler: Miles Sennet never abuses his wife or his daughter, but he gets punished for it anyway? Now, how is that right?

Detective Elliot Stabler: [to Olivia] I'm the longest relationship you've ever had with a man. You have no idea how bad things can get when a couple goes sour.
Detective Olivia Benson: And eight years in this unit tells me that I don't need to be married to know when an abusive man is escalating.

Casey Novak: Valerie Sennet says she was raped, her husband admits to assaulting her, and there's evidence of intercourse.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Maybe she had sex with someone else. This is a hostile divorce. Crying rape is a pretty efficient way to get rid of an unwanted husband.
Casey Novak: When did you start working for the defense?
Detective Elliot Stabler: The moment you were more interested in an easy close than the truth.
Casey Novak: My only interest is in being an advocate for rape victims. Now, I thought that's what we do here.
Donald Cragen: That's what we all do.

Detective Elliot Stabler: Well, a statement with this many red flags, no good cop would overlook it.
Detective Olivia Benson: Especially not one with a dying marriage and a history of violence.

Detective Elliot Stabler: [to Olivia about Miles Sennet] When you said he was escalating, you were right.
Detective Olivia Benson: Do you think that's what I want to hear? He set her on fire, Elliot. Who could've anticipated that?
Detective Elliot Stabler: If I'd listened to you, we could've prevented this.
Detective Olivia Benson: How?
Detective Elliot Stabler: Have Novak push for remand, get a blue-and-white on him when he made bail, anything but make excuses for the guy.
Detective Olivia Benson: Miles Sennet chose gasoline and a match, not you. He didn't just want to kill her, he wanted her to suffer.
Detective Elliot Stabler: He said he wanted her dead. I just wasn't listening.
Detective Olivia Benson: Well, you weren't the only one in that room. I was there too.

Detective Olivia Benson: Valerie Sennet wasn't raped. She was sleeping with a law firm investigator. She really put her husband through the wringer.
Detective Elliot Stabler: She died 20 minutes ago.
Detective Olivia Benson: She knew that she was gonna die and she still lied to my face.
Detective Elliot Stabler: When love warps into hate, there's nothing you won't do. That's why I signed the divorce papers. I don't want Kathy to ever regret me.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Intoxicated (#6.19)" (2005)
Detective Olivia Benson: [to Cragen] Denise Elderidge is a fruit cake.
Detective Elliot Stabler: [interrupts them] And dessert is served.
[reveals Denise]

Detective Elliot Stabler: These pots and pans haven't been used in so long they got cobwebs on them.
Detective Olivia Benson: Sounds like the ones in my kitchen.

Detective Elliot Stabler: Romeo and Juliet killed themselves, not their parents.

Officer Robbins: Kid's name is Carrie Eldridge. She locked the door to her room. She's crying; says he's her boyfriend. Mom calls it in as a rape.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Come on, you guys couldn't sort this out?
Officer Robbins: We hear the "R" word, we're supposed to call you.

Detective Olivia Benson: Those two are like magnets. Romeo and Juliet.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Yeah, except Juliet's too young and Romeo's too old.
Donald Cragen: Any chance we can get Romeo's parents to put some pressure on him?
Detective Elliot Stabler: No, they died in a car accident two years ago.
Detective Olivia Benson: Wouldn't matter. Neither one of 'em's ever gonna admit that they did anything.
Donald Cragen: Well, unless mom was in bed with them and saw what they were doing, there's no rape case.

A.D.A. Casey Novak: So, what, you guys couldn't deal with Denise Eldridge so you sicced her on me?
Detective Olivia Benson: What happened?
A.D.A. Casey Novak: Oh, she blew in here with her shopping bag saying you guys weren't doing anything about her daughter. She wanted me to charge you guys for not arresting Justin Sharp.
Detective Elliot Stabler: So what do you want us to do?
A.D.A. Casey Novak: Did he rape Carrie?
Detective Elliot Stabler: Letter of the law, yeah. But we can't prove it.
Detective Olivia Benson: The sex was consensual. You charge Justin with endangering, it's a misdemeanor, first offense. He's not gonna do any time. So how is justice served there?
A.D.A. Casey Novak: It's not.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Right. And when Denise comes back next with the same accusation...
A.D.A. Casey Novak: Why don't you advise her that unless she has pictures, we're not prosecuting Justin.

Detective Elliot Stabler: [going to talk to Denise] She's probably not even home.
Detective Olivia Benson: Well, I'll leave my card in her mailbox.
Detective Elliot Stabler: With your name on it, she'll probably rip it up. Here, use mine.

Forensics Tech Ryan O'Halloran: Here's your murder weapon. Found it in the incinerator room.
Detective Elliot Stabler: It looks like the attack started here.
Forensics Tech Ryan O'Halloran: That seems right. See the arc on the wall? That's castoff from the subsequent blows. Tails on the droplets in the pattern point to where the blood came from.
Detective Elliot Stabler: That spot right there. It's got a pattern in it.
Forensics Tech Ryan O'Halloran: Yeah, it's secondary transfer from the button on her jeans. The line next to it is off the seam down the side of her pants from when she stopped, rolled on her side.
Dr. Melinda Warner: Surprised she made it this far. Her skulls is cracked wide open. We're still looking for all the missing pieces.
Detective Elliot Stabler: How many times was she hit?
Dr. Melinda Warner: I count five blows to the head alone. And she's got wounds on her torso and extremities.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Dead how long?
Dr. Melinda Warner: She's still warm. Two hours, tops.

Detective Elliot Stabler: [showing Justin crime scene photos] What's wrong, can't stand to look at your own work? You hit her fourteen times. Lacerated liver, fractured ribs. Punctured lungs. You bashed her head in so hard, her brain broke clean off its stem.

Detective Olivia Benson: Hey, how'd it go?
Detective Elliot Stabler: Judge remanded Carrie to Bridges. At least she won't be in Rikers.
Detective Olivia Benson: I really misjudged her. All I saw was a desperate teen needing help.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Look, I saw my daughter going out with a grown man. Sometimes it's hard to keep your own crap out of the work.
A.D.A. Casey Novak: [entering] Speaking of crap, psych defense.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder?
[sarcastically to Benson]
Detective Elliot Stabler: PMS made her do it.

Detective Olivia Benson: [showing Stabler the booze bottles in Denise's apartment] No wonder I hated Denise so much. All along, Carrie was just trying to get me to protect her. Look at this. Denise didn't care about her daughter. All she cared about was where she was gonna get her next drink.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Why'd you come here?
Detective Olivia Benson: To find out what else I was wrong about.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Blood (#6.21)" (2005)
Samantha Beavan: Why are you treating me like I'm a criminal?
Detective Elliot Stabler: 'Cause your baby's toxicology report says that you are one.

Detective Elliot Stabler: What kind of mother leaves her baby in the car while she goes clubbing?

Doctor: Miss Beavan, you need to come inside.
Samantha Beavan: No, we're both fine.
Doctor: No, your son isn't. His tox screen was positive for opiates.
Samantha Beavan: Painkillers. I don't understand. I'd never give Joey any drugs.
Olivia Benson: Sam, you were breastfeeding.
Detective Elliot Stabler: You could've killed him.

Kathleen Stabler: Daddy!
[runs to Elliot]
Detective Elliot Stabler: It's alright.
Kathleen Stabler: I'm so sorry!
Detective Elliot Stabler: It's alright. Why didn't you call me? Why didn't you tell the officers who I was?
Kathleen Stabler: I was scared.
Detective Elliot Stabler: I'm sure you were.
Kathleen Stabler: No, I was scared of what you'd do.

Kathy Stabler: [to Elliot after Kathleen's arrest] I'm sorry. There was a party she wanted to go to...
Detective Elliot Stabler: And you just let her go?
Kathy Stabler: Elliot! She is 17 years old.
Detective Elliot Stabler: I know, but I know. Take her home. We'll talk about it tomorrow.

Detective Elliot Stabler: [about Sam Beavans] That baby could've died while Mommy was trying to score.
Olivia Benson: So we punish her for being raped?

Detective Elliot Stabler: [about Jake Lumet] Look, Sam's a nursing mother trying to take care of her 9-month-old kid and Jenny Rogers is just a sweet old lady. So, why does this pathetic junkie need to beat up helpless women?

Donald Cragen: [to Stabler about Kathleen getting arrested] What happened at the 15 two nights ago?
Detective Elliot Stabler: My kid got in trouble. Good night.
Donald Cragen: Why didn't you tell me?
Detective Elliot Stabler: Nothing to tell, I took care of it. Patrol issued the summons for a moving violation. They brought Kathleen down to verify ID.
Donald Cragen: After you got everybody to make her DUl go away.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Okay. What are you saying, Captain?
Donald Cragen: Somebody starts digging, they're gonna find the paper trail. Radio tapes from the sector car telling dispatch they stopped a DUl.
Detective Elliot Stabler: If it comes back to me, I'll take care of it.
Donald Cragen: What about the guys who stuck their necks out for you?
Detective Elliot Stabler: Well, they got kids. They understand.
Donald Cragen: That the message you wanna send your kids? That the law only applies to certain people?
Detective Elliot Stabler: I'm taking care of my family and given the chance, I'd do it again.

Donald Cragen: [to Novak] Are you gonna charge Jenny with perjury?
Casey Novak: What's the point of sending her to jail? She's still the victim.
Donald Cragen: Well, then there's nothing more we can do. She's made her bed.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Yeah, on a mattress in a closet.

Kevin Rogers: [to Stabler] She's my mom. I love her and I'm gonna take care of her. I've even given her my room to sleep in.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Then what are your stinky sweats doing tucked under the pillow?

Detective Elliot Stabler: [to Jenny about Kevin] You know, I see guys like him all the time usually after they've raped or beaten up a woman.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Perfect (#4.24)" (2003)
Elliot Stabler: Kind of strange Cragen calling us in on an officer-involved shooting.
Olivia Benson: Maybe not. Look who's over there.
Elliot Stabler: [the detectives see Tucker from IAB at the crime scene] Swell.

Ed Tucker: [When a teenage girl is found deceased at the crime scene] We think the perp shot her.
Elliot Stabler: No, you think the cops accidentally shot her, and you're trying to pull us into your own mess by calling it an SVU case.
Ed Tucker: This girl was tortured and we have no idea who she is. You want her parents to see her face in the morning news?
Elliot Stabler: That's your problem, not ours.
[he and Olivia begin to walk off]
Ed Tucker: Come on, SVU knows how to protect victims and deal with families.
Elliot Stabler: You mean you want us to keep this under wraps.
Ed Tucker: We want this to look clean from the beginning, so I'm asking for a favor.
Olivia Benson: All the times that you people at IAB jammed us up and now you want to play nice? You've got a set of balls on you asking us for anything.
Elliot Stabler: If we find out that a cop shot that girl, you expect us to keep it quiet?
Ed Tucker: I expect you to do your job. However this turns out, it turns out. You don't want to do it for me, fine. Do it for her.

Dr. Garrett Lang: [to Stabler] You're what, early 40s, right, Detective?
Elliot Stabler: Late 30s, why?
Dr. Garrett Lang: Do you ever feel that your stamina's declining? That you don't have the energy you used to or that you've lost your edge?
Elliot Stabler: No, but let's say that I was.
Dr. Garrett Lang: Well, then, I would put you on a course of human growth hormone and testosterone therapy. I guarantee you'd be a new man in the squad room, not to mention the bedroom.

Dr. Melinda Warner: [about Samantha Tassler's autopsy] When a woman goes through her menstrual cycle, one, maybe two eggs are released, leaving the follicles where the eggs came from empty.
Olivia Benson: And something was wrong with Samantha's ovaries?
Dr. Melinda Warner: She had 12 visibly involuted follicles. That means 12 eggs all released at the same time. I've never seen that in a 14-year-old.
Elliot Stabler: But I thought women were most fertile in their teenage years.
Dr. Melinda Warner: Usually this only happens when the ovaries are hyperstimulated by hormones, like for in-vitro fertilization.
Olivia Benson: So assuming that she even wanted to, why does a 14-year-old girl need help getting pregnant?
Dr. Melinda Warner: I don't know, but whatever the reason, it worked. Samantha was carrying an 8-week-old fetus.

Olivia Benson: [to Dr. Lang] What about Samantha Tassler undergoing in vitro fertilization, which you happen to perform? Are we wrong about that, too?
Dr. Garrett Lang: Any OB-GYN who's a fertility specialist could have done that.
Elliot Stabler: Yeah, but she and the other girls weren't wearing any other fertility specialist's infinity necklace and you've got Miss Haggerty here who's got that symbol tattooed on her wrist.
Dr. Garrett Lang: Any questions from the FBI, Agent Huang?
Dr. George Huang: You enjoy this, don't you, Dr. Lang?
Dr. Garrett Lang: I enjoy helping those girls thrive and realize their full potential. Because of you people, we may have to close down the foundation.
[turns to Quentin]
Dr. Garrett Lang: Joan?
Joan Quentin: Unless you're going to arrest me or either of my clients, we're through. Or my next call is to the Internal Affairs Bureau for harassment.

Dr. George Huang: [about Dr. Lang] He's a narcissistic bastard and he's calling all the shots. You saw the way his lawyer deferred to him.
Olivia Benson: I can understand a 14-year-old being taken in by Lang, but not a smart, educated woman like Quentin.
Dr. George Huang: Jim Jones got hundreds of his disciples to drink poisoned Kool-Aid because he had a charismatic personality. Lang uses his to get people like Quentin and Haggerty to love and obey him.
Elliot Stabler: Those teenage girls couldn't be more vulnerable. They're not that attractive. Probably got bad grades in school. They're just social outcasts.
Olivia Benson: So this cult is a place for them to fit in.
Dr. George Huang: And inundate them with approval and affection. It's called love bombing: "You're perfect the way you are."
Olivia Benson: Right, which is what every teenage girl wants to hear.

Ms. Kinderski: I don't like your insinuation, Detective.
Elliot Stabler: I don't like liars, Miss Kinderski.

Jessica Morse: [to Stabler] Mrs. Haggerty is the most wonderful person I ever met. She and the other girls accepted me for who I am, and not who they thought I should be.
Elliot Stabler: That's nice. And how about Dr. Lang? Am I wrong about him?
Jessica Morse: He is a great man. He's going to save the world.
Elliot Stabler: Yeah? How's he gonna do that?
Jessica Morse: Well, the ozone layer is disappearing...
Elliot Stabler: Yeah?
Jessica Morse: And the ultraviolet rays will make everybody sterile, so the only way our species will survive is by cloning living cells.
Elliot Stabler: Jessica, are you pregnant?
Jessica Morse: Yes. He chose me to be one of the mothers of the future.

Dr. Garrett Lang: Stabler. That's Irish Catholic, right?
Elliot Stabler: Hey, pal, this ain't about me, it's about you.
Dr. Garrett Lang: You believe a virgin gave birth. You think that was a very popular theory in Jesus' time?
Elliot Stabler: What I believe has got nothing to do with your case.

Elliot Stabler: [to Dr. Warner] Now what about Samantha's fetus? I mean, you're not going to tell us that that's the clone of some family's dead child, are you?
Dr. Melinda Warner: Until someone proves otherwise, that's science fiction.

Paula Haggerty: [to Jessica] You're not mad at me?
Jessica Morse: No. They told me all about your little girl. I love my parents, but I still love you, too.
[she and Mrs. Haggerty hug each other]
Elliot Stabler: [to Mrs. Haggerty] All Lang has done is manipulated your pain. He's used you to help him experiment on girls who love you. They trust you. You're the only one who can stop him.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Angels (#4.6)" (2002)
M.E. Melinda Warner: [using Elliot to demonstrate how a victim's throat was cut after his genitals were removed] An amateur would have cut Jansen's throat straight across. Your guy cut the carotid artery, here and here. The other part...
Det. Elliot Stabler: [steps away, quickly] You don't need to demonstrate that part.

Det. Elliot Stabler: Somebody kicked the crap out of this kid.

Det. Elliot Stabler: You have sex with your stepson and you don't think there's anything wrong with that? What kind of sick bastard are you?

Olivia Benson: [to Ernesto] Hey, you're in a lot of trouble. Do you understand that?
Ernesto Diaz: Deport me.
Det. Elliot Stabler: We don't deport killers.

Dr. George Huang: [about Ernesto being a possible suspect in Jansen's murder] Jansen used his genitals as a weapon against him and José. Cutting them off might be the ultimate protection.
Olivia Benson: That crime scene was a bloodbath and Ernesto didn't have a drop on him. Plus we didn't find any spattered clothing.
Det. Elliot Stabler: And CSU found fresh traces of blood in the shower. So whoever did kill Jansen was savvy enough to clean up after himself. An adult might think of that, but a 14-year-old boy?
Dr. George Huang: I said it was possible. I didn't say I thought he did it.
Donald Cragen: Just seeing Jansen chopped up would be horrific enough to traumatize this kid.

Det. Elliot Stabler: [while watching a video of Jansen and another man with a young boy] Oh, that's great. Two men and a kid no older than my 10-year-old son.

Tony Damon: So what's this conspiracy that you're charging me with?
John Munch: Facilitating the rape of children in foreign countries.
Tony Damon: There's no state law against that.
Det. Elliot Stabler: Federal law. We turn our tape over to the U.S. Attorney, you're toast.
Tony Damon: Federal statutes require proof of a sex act. That means they need a victim. Where they gonna find one?
John Munch: No wonder this guy doesn't need a lawyer. He's got the law memorized with all his other NAMBLA buddies.
Tony Damon: NAMBLA? I'm not one of those freaks.
Det. Elliot Stabler: How many boys they pass around to you?
Tony Damon: I don't know what the hell you're talking about.
[Stabler throws Damon against the wall and roughs him up a little]
Det. Elliot Stabler: You think I am some dumb cop?
Tony Damon: I had nothing to...
[Stabler cuts him off with a jab to the gut]
John Munch: Elliot!
Det. Elliot Stabler: Think you're smarter than me?
Tony Damon: I need a doctor!
Det. Elliot Stabler: You're gonna need a morgue, pal!

Tony Damon: I swear I'm not one of them! I was just in it for the money!
Det. Elliot Stabler: Which the Feds are gonna take away from you while you're sitting on death row for slicing up Bret Jansen.
Tony Damon: What? I had nothing to do with that!
John Munch: That's funny because somebody did to him exactly what he joked about doing to you.
Tony Damon: That rat bastard.
John Munch: Gotta be more specific. There's a lot of 'em running around in this case.

Shawn Massey: Walt likes to stay with me.
Det. Elliot Stabler: Okay. What do you mean stay, like, stay where?
Shawn Massey: At night in my room.
Det. Elliot Stabler: When did this start?
Shawn Massey: One night, he just came in. He said he wanted to be near me and he just climbed in.
Det. Elliot Stabler: Did he ever touch you anywhere?
Shawn Massey: Not then.
Det. Elliot Stabler: How about now?
Shawn Massey: He says it's how fathers are supposed to love their sons.
Det. Elliot Stabler: Shawn, you need to know that none of this is your fault. That what he is doing is wrong.
Shawn Massey: I know, but Walt takes care of my mom and we don't have to live in the shelter anymore. And my mom doesn't get beat up anymore. Walt really loves us.

Det. Elliot Stabler: [to Massey] What's with this tattoo that I've seen in the videotape? And what about that glass from Jansen's apartment that we found in your sneaker? What am I, an idiot? Come on. You killed Jansen.
Dr. Walt Massey: He ruined it for everybody. I had to make sure he'd never hurt another little boy again.
Det. Elliot Stabler: And I'm gonna make sure that you never do, either. You're under arrest for the murder of Jansen and for sexually abusing your son.
Dr. Walt Massey: [jumps up from his seat] No! No, I didn't force Shawny. He seduced me. How could I deny him? I never beat him like Jansen beat his boys. It's not the same thing!
Det. Elliot Stabler: No, it's worse. You have sex with your stepson and you don't think there's anything wrong with that? What kind of sick bastard are you?


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Streetwise (#9.11)" (2008)
Detective Olivia Benson: Where's Josie?
Cole Roderick: Haven't seen her for weeks.
Detective Elliot Stabler: What kind of father are you, don't even know where your children are?

Captain Donald Cragen: That kid's starving.
Detective Elliot Stabler: You want us to bribe her with food?
Detective Olivia Benson: Coercion is more like it.
Captain Donald Cragen: Intervention isn't always pretty.

Detective Elliot Stabler: So what happened that night?
Josie: Cassidy heard the rich girl call my dad a name.
Detective Olivia Benson: And what name was that?
Josie: Stupid fag. That's a no-no. Time for S.O.S.
Detective Olivia Benson: S.O.S.?
Josie: Stomp On Sight.

Detective Elliot Stabler: Look at her, eyes gouged out, her cheeks split from ear to ear.
Cassidy Cornell: Please, stop!
Detective Olivia Benson: Stop? I'll bet that's what Josie said, only Cole wouldn't listen. The M.E. says she was tortured for over 12 hours.

Cassidy Cornell: They never had any time for me except to nag. 'Don't slouch dear, eat your vegetables, call your tutor, get to your lessons, keep up your grades or you won't get into a good college!' They smothered me with their rules.
Detective Elliot Stabler: They acted like parents.
Cassidy Cornell: No! I'm a parent and I would NEVER act that way.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Yeah, and now six people are dead.

Cassidy Cornell: I went to the shelter to look for Josie. I didn't think Cole was gonna go there.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Where would he take her?
Cassidy Cornell: I don't know.
Detective Olivia Benson: Why should we believe you?
Cassidy Cornell: I wouldn't lie. My being here is putting all of my other kids at risk.
Detective Elliot Stabler: But they're not your kids.
Cassidy Cornell: I take care of them when they're sick, I listen to their problems, I tuck them in at night. I do all the things that a good mother would do, okay?
Detective Olivia Benson: A good mother doesn't let her kids rob and kill.

Detective Olivia Benson: [to Cassidy about Cole's whereabouts] Where is he, Cassidy?
Cassidy Cornell: I don't know.
Detective Elliot Stabler: You keep telling us what a great mother you are.
[about Josie]
Detective Elliot Stabler: That's your daughter then! That's your daughter and that son of a bitch killed her.
Cassidy Cornell: I don't think you get it! Cole Roderick saved my life! Before I met him, my mom rented my body to her drug dealers for three years! It was hell!

Cole Roderick: I'm a provider. They come to me as refugees from Babylon.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Babylon?
Cole Roderick: Yeah, your world. Where drones work McJobs and have no idea what it is to really be free. Where adults prey on children for sex behind closed doors. I set them free.
Detective Elliot Stabler: You make them rob and murder for you.
Cole Roderick: Whatever they do, they do to support the only real father they have ever known.
Detective Elliot Stabler: You've got some set on you saying you're a real father.
Cole Roderick: My father was a violent bastard who used to pound on me for laughs, okay? It was run or die. I've been on the streets my whole life. I understand my kids because they're just like me.
Detective Elliot Stabler: They're your pawns. You're a sociopath.
Cole Roderick: [stands up] And you're a hypocrite!
Detective Elliot Stabler: Sit down.
Cole Roderick: You lock up your kids and you call that love. I give them real love. Freedom to be themselves, freedom from the abuse.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Yeah, and if they cross you, you kill them.
Cole Roderick: If someone threatened your family, wouldn't you kill to protect them?

Detective Elliot Stabler: [to Cassidy] Everything out of your mouth has been a lie. Here's the truth: you stood around while Cole busted heads. You're not responsible? You're not an uptown girl, you're not a street kid, so who the hell are you?
Cassidy Cornell: Does it make you feel like a big, tough guy to boss people around and flash your little badge like it actually means something? Well, guess what, man? It means nothing!

Detective Olivia Benson: [to Cassidy] Shelby must have seen you in the park that night. You freaked out. You knew that she was gonna blast your fantasy life to pieces.
Detective Elliot Stabler: She didn't call Cole a stupid fag, hmm? You just told him she did because you knew he'd fall for it.
Detective Olivia Benson: You had to stop her from running back to school and saying that she saw Helen wearing rags in Central Park. 'cause you knew your parents would come looking for you.
Cassidy Cornell: I didn't want to go back. My life was a living hell.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Hell? With a cook and a chauffeur?
Cassidy Cornell: You don't understand.
Detective Olivia Benson: No, I don't understand a girl who has everything lying about being raped.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Pandora (#4.15)" (2003)
Detective Sam Bishop: I've got to report to you if my victim's a pervert?
Elliot Stabler: No, you've got to tell me when you find something pertaining to my victim.

Elliot Stabler: [about Meredith McGrath] She goes into an adult chat room, pretends she's a 13-year-old girl. She changes her screen name to "luv2cheer13." Almost immediately, six guys are hitting on her.
Detective Sam Bishop: So she's getting off with a fantasy?
Elliot Stabler: I don't know, but then she starts setting up meetings in hotels with these guys. Now, what the hell is the point of that? It's not like she can all of a sudden turn into this 13-year-old girl once she gets there.

Elliot Stabler: [to Claudia Williams about Meredith McGrath] So she did your dirty work. When she got killed for it, "Oh well, it was her decision." Is that it?

Elliot Stabler: [to Mrs. Van Wagner about photographs of Mia being placed on the Internet] You don't need to see the pictures. If it were my daughter, I wouldn't want those images in my head.

Elliot Stabler: [to Bishop] Listen to me. I don't want you jumping in my game like that again. Are we clear? Look, it's only going to get uglier from here on out, so if you can't handle it, you've just got to let me know right now.

Kate Logan: [to Stabler] Eric Tassig isn't the only man profiting off the sale of children.
Elliot Stabler: You don't do anything about it, huh?
Kate Logan: Europol has no authority over the Czech citizens. As far as the Czech police, they have no incentive to stop it. There's too much money to be made handing out parking tickets to the German tourists. Look, this is the world that we live in, Detective Stabler. I should think in your line of work, you'd understand that.
Elliot Stabler: In my line of work, we wouldn't just sit back and take it.
Kate Logan: That's very noble, but as long as the demand for child exploitation exists, there's little we can do.
Elliot Stabler: So what the hell are you doing here?
Kate Logan: It's my job. What are you doing here?

Kate Logan: [after Eric Tassig gets away from Stabler and Logan]
[to Stabler]
Kate Logan: You let him run.
Elliot Stabler: I had two choices, get him or save the girl. I thought Mia was more important.
Kate Logan: You just took away Tassig's one reason to stay in this country. He could be anywhere now.
Elliot Stabler: So your solution is I should have just let her run away again?
Kate Logan: We would have had him in custody and we'd have eventually found Mia.
Elliot Stabler: Eventually? And what? In the meantime, you just let a child wander around in a foreign city for a few days?
Kate Logan: What about the other child you're looking for, Detective Stabler? We forget about her now?
Elliot Stabler: Like I said, I made a choice. We'll talk to Mia, she'll lead us to Tassig.
Kate Logan: Mia has been terribly abused and won't admit it. She thinks we are the enemy. You expect her to help us?
Elliot Stabler: You know, I just figured out why you're so pissed off and you're right. It is easier to arrest the bad guy than it is to deal with the victim.

Elliot Stabler: Mia, look, I'm sorry, but it's true and this guy is not who you think he is. Erich Tassig is a criminal, he's a liar, he's a manipulator. He won't protect you, so don't sit here and protect him.

Erich Tassig: Why are you so obsessed with children? That is disgusting.
Elliot Stabler: Your business is selling child rape videos and we're disgusting?

Woman: We only sell passwords. We don't know what people put on their website.
Elliot Stabler: What are you telling me, lady? That you don't know what the website child-dot-rape's all about? Shut up.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Stranger (#10.11)" (2009)
Detective Elliot Stabler: [Talking into radio] Got a runner!
[Stabler chases Vasko through house, commanding him to stop]
Detective Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: [Punches Vasko in face, causing him to drop] We got a dropper.

Detective Olivia Benson: I don't understand how a mother wouldn't know her own child.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Yeah, but Mrs. Hallander didn't recognize this girl until sister Erica saw that tattoo on her wrist.
Detective Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: Munch, zoom in on the ink. Put 'em up side by side.
Detective Olivia Benson: Looks the same to me.
Sergeant John Munch: Except they're mirror images. On this one, the stem curved to the right; on this one, it curves to the left.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Girl's a con artist.
Detective Olivia Benson: Then why would she try to kill herself?
Detective Elliot Stabler: Maybe she knew the game was up.
Detective Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: Who's gonna break it to the Hallanders that their real daughter's still missing?
[walks away]
Detective Olivia Benson: Let me talk to Heather first.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Liv, she's not Heather.
[walks away behind Fin as Olivia still studies tattoo photos on the screen]

Captain Donald Cragen: What, are you waiting for an invitation?
[Olivia and Elliot turn around to Cragen]
Detective Olivia Benson: Just thought we'd give Vasko a taste of his own medicine.
Captain Donald Cragen: I think he's familiar with the tactics of breaking someone. All you're giving him is time to lawyer up.
Detective Elliot Stabler: We're buying ourselves some.
[Melinda comes]
Detective Elliot Stabler: You got something?
Dr. Melinda Warner: It's too soon for DNA results, so I ran an individual specific auto-antibodies test on Mr. Vasko. It's not admissible in court yet but, uh, it only takes two hours.
Captain Donald Cragen: Well, how did we get a court order for his DNA already?
Detective Elliot Stabler: We didn't need one. Vasko ran, Fin clotheslined him, bloodied up his nose on Fin's sleeve.
Dr. Melinda Warner: And Fin was kind enough to pass it along to me. He's a match for the semen on your girl's dress.
Detective Olivia Benson: [smiles slightly] That's all we need.
[starts walking]
Dr. Melinda Warner: Hold on. I'm not finished. I did get the DNA results from your Jane Doe's rape kit. She's not Heather.
Detective Elliot Stabler: We figured that one out ourselves.
Dr. Melinda Warner: Did you know her name is Kirsten Vuscelik?
Captain Donald Cragen: What, she's in the system?
Dr. Melinda Warner: No, in CODIS. She was abducted in Ohio six years ago. Her mother Marcie was certain it as a parental kidnapping.

Heather Hallander: [hounded by the press as she returns home] Are they gonna print my photo?
Detective Olivia Benson: Not if he has a conscience.
Reporter Steve Harris: Heather, what was the lowest point of your four years in captivity?
Detective Elliot Stabler: You take a step in that building, I'll arrest you for trespassing.
[to Harris' photographer]
Detective Elliot Stabler: You, be a human being. Erase the photos.
Reporter Steve Harris: What world do you live in? Cute, middle-class white girl held as a sex slave. The story's huge.
Detective Elliot Stabler: [ignoring him, he turns to face the photographer again] I asked you nice once. Come on. I'm asking you nice.
Photographer: [retreating, he stumbles and falls, his camera breaking on the pavement] Son of a bitch!
Detective Elliot Stabler: [sarcastic] That's a shame. Looks expensive.

Captain Donald Cragen: $4,595 for one 35mm digital camera, and the Ledger is demanding disciplinary action against you.
Detective Elliot Stabler: I never touched the guy. I just can't believe the vultures got a photo off their memory card.
Captain Donald Cragen: "Sex Slave and the City". Classy.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Used to be no one would ever publish a rape victim's photo.
Captain Donald Cragen: Well, that was before newspapers started going the way of the dodo. I'm sure readership will be up today.

Detective Olivia Benson: That was Heather's father. She's not feeling well; drive-along's off.
Detective Elliot Stabler: She saw the paper.
Detective Olivia Benson: They tried to keep it from her, but the sister Nikki slipped her a copy.
Sergeant John Munch: The brat sister isn't helping at all. You ask me, we bring Nikki in here for a sit-down.
Detective Elliot Stabler: What, are you a social worker now?
Sergeant John Munch: Hardly.

Sergeant John Munch: The day Heather ran out after Nikki called her fat, mom sent the brat after her to apologize.
Detective Olivia Benson: Nikki never found Heather.
Sergeant John Munch: Yeah, so she claims.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Nikki was sixteen years old. What'd she do, sell her younger sister as a sex slave?
Sergeant John Munch: No, but maybe she saw her get in the van.
Detective Olivia Benson: And never said anything?

Sergeant John Munch: Nikki admitted that she tormented her little sister. Maybe she was glad to see her go. Parents said that she's been on a downward spiral ever since. Sounds like guilt to me.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Or acting like a teenager.
[Munch heads to his desk]
Detective Elliot Stabler: Anything back from forensics?
Detective Olivia Benson: Scarring from long-term sexual abuse, but no DNA in the rape kit.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Well, Heather scrubbed herself clean. We kind of expected that.
Detective Olivia Benson: The lab found semen on the dress. They're working up a DNA profile now.
Detective Elliot Stabler: If we're lucky, the perp's already in the system.

Detective Elliot Stabler: Doc, was she abducted or not?
Dr. George Huang: I wouldn't rule it out.
Captain Donald Cragen: Even with the lies about her field trips to church?
Dr. George Huang: After four years, he's established total domination over her. Heather's programmed to follow orders blindly and without question. The ultimate test of his power is taking her out in public.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Well, that doesn't bother me. I mean, he took her to a church. You got two hundred people there, it's a sanctuary. Why not scream, ask for help?
Dr. George Huang: Because his control over her was so complete she couldn't. I once worked a case in Rochester where the perp took a victim who he had kept for two years to a karaoke bar. They got up and they sang a song together. No one suspected.
Captain Donald Cragen: Heather is safe now. Why isn't she helping?
Dr. George Huang: Extreme Stockholm syndrome.
Detective Olivia Benson: She's bonded with her captor as a survival mechanism and now has this misguided need to protect him.
[her phone rings]
Detective Olivia Benson: Detective Benson. Where are they taking her? I'm on my way.
[hanging up]
Detective Olivia Benson: Heather slit her wrists.

Detective Elliot Stabler: How did she manipulate you into getting her that tattoo?
Carl Vasko: It was my idea. She showed me a picture. I wanted her to have it for good luck.
Detective Olivia Benson: Well, it worked. She needed it to pass herself off as another person. She ran away to another family. Complete strangers are better than you, you disgusting piece of filth.
Carl Vasko: Where's Kristen? I'd like to see her.
Detective Olivia Benson: And I would like to see you castrated with a rusty steak knife. Neither are gonna happen, but we can both dream.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Conscience (#6.6)" (2004)
Elliot Stabler: [When Wolinsky is caught assaulting Billy Turner by the detectives] How'd you find out about Billy?
Malcolm Wolinsky: Yeah, I heard you were looking for him on the police radio.
Elliot Stabler: [grabs Wolinsky] You are done with this. Do you understand me?
Malcolm Wolinsky: Right after I file a complaint for police brutality!
Elliot Stabler: You're lucky I don't charge you with assault!
Malcolm Wolinsky: I didn't touch the baby-raper!
Olivia Benson: You trashed this apartment. If Henry Morton was here, that means that you destroyed a crime scene.
Elliot Stabler: You interfere again, you're doing time.
Malcolm Wolinsky: You take that perv scum's side over me?
Elliot Stabler: I don't take anybody's side. Get out of here.

Olivia Benson: [about Dr. Morton after his son's body is found] I've never seen a dad that composed.
Elliot Stabler: The guy is a time bomb. He keeps holding it in, he's gonna explode.

Olivia Benson: Our witness picked you out, Billy.
Billy Turner: Your witness is wrong!
Elliot Stabler: Cat hairs on the boy, cat hairs in your apartment.
Billy Turner: I don't have a cat. The landlady's cat wanders in and out...
Elliot Stabler: I don't want to hear about your landlady anymore! It's over! Now, you stalked that little boy, you snatched him and you got into his pants. And then you wanted to keep him quiet, so you shoved rocks down his throat till he choked to death.

Elliot Stabler: [after Wolinsky interferes in the investigation again] You send me on a wild goose chase, waste my time...
Malcolm Wolinsky: I was trying to help you guys.
Elliot Stabler: You contaminated evidence, you tell that kid you're a cop to get him to make a false I.D.
Malcolm Wolinsky: You got the perv, didn't you?
Elliot Stabler: [as he places Wolinsky into a jail cell] Wrong perv. But I tell you what, where you're going, you'll be meeting plenty of them.

Dr. Brett Morton: [to Novak about Jake O'Hara] What's going to happen to him?
Casey Novak: Without a plea bargain, he'll stand trial and go to prison.
Dr. Brett Morton: He's a juvenile, he'll be out at 18.
Casey Novak: Dr. Morton, we're trying Jake as an adult.
Dr. Brett Morton: No. I lost a child and I know one thing. It's wrong to lose another child to a life in prison.
Elliot Stabler: As a parent, I can't imagine what you're going through.
Dr. Brett Morton: Well, putting Jake in jail isn't justice.
Casey Novak: And sending him to that camp doesn't make you responsible for what he did.
Dr. Brett Morton: Jake's had a hard life. What he did isn't entirely his fault.
Casey Novak: And that evidence will be introduced at trial.
Dr. Brett Morton: I'm sure you have the best intentions, but you're wrong.

Casey Novak: [to the Family Court judge] The District Attorney's office has reconsidered our decision to try Jake O'Hara in Family Court. We request that the case be moved to Supreme Court for trial as an adult.
Family Court Judge: Hearings have begun. Jeopardy is attached. If I dismiss now, the case is over.
Casey Novak: These are highly unusual circumstances. Jake O'Hara lied about his abuse. All his injuries are self-inflicted.
Dr. Brett Morton: What are you saying?
Family Court Judge: Dr. Morton...
Casey Novak: We interviewed witnesses at the camp. They all told us Jake burned himself. This case must be moved, Your Honor.
Dr. Brett Morton: [to Jake] I believed you. I fought for you.
[stands up]
Family Court Judge: Dr. Morton, sit down.
Dr. Brett Morton: You lying little bastard.
Family Court Judge: The court officer will remove Dr. Morton from this courtroom.
Dr. Brett Morton: You little prick! You should rot in hell!
[Jake smirks as Dr. Morton is being escorted out of the courtroom]
Elliot Stabler: Let's go before she locks you up.
Family Court Judge: You bet I will. Get him out of here.
Dr. Brett Morton: [to Jake as he's being led out of the courtroom] You monster! You murdered my son!

Elliot Stabler: [after Dr. Morton shoots Jake O'Hara in the courthouse] I knew the guy was wound too tight. I should've seen it coming.
Donald Cragen: You didn't know Morton would shoot him. We all thought Jake was a victim. The kid snowed everyone.
Olivia Benson: [as she walks into the room] Elliot...
Elliot Stabler: Jake's dead.
Olivia Benson: He never made it out of surgery.
Donald Cragen: [Stabler walks out of the room and Olivia is about to follow him] Olivia. Don't.

Bureau Chief Elizabeth Donnelly: [to Stabler] How could you let this happen?
Elliot Stabler: You've got some nerve, lady. That kid was killed because you sent him to Family Court.
Bureau Chief Elizabeth Donnelly: I didn't stand there and watch Brett Morton grab a gun.
Elliot Stabler: You sure as hell put it in his hand. What, you didn't want to say no to a grieving father? You afraid the press would call you a cold-hearted bitch?
Casey Novak: You two want to blame each other, go ahead, but I have a job to do. What's our decision on Dr. Morton?
Bureau Chief Elizabeth Donnelly: Charge him. Murder two.
Elliot Stabler: His son was killed by a psychopath who was gonna walk.
Bureau Chief Elizabeth Donnelly: And that gives him the right to kill a kid? I want him arraigned by tomorrow morning.

Elliot Stabler: [to Novak after court] You really went after Morton in there.
Casey Novak: He killed a kid. He knew what he was doing.
Elliot Stabler: You're so sure about that because of something he wrote 15 years ago?
Casey Novak: Elliot, he's screwing with us. This grief-crazed-father crap. It's all an act.
Elliot Stabler: I spend my life locking up skells for murdering children. The system says they go away to prison. Fine. But if it were my son lying on that slab, I don't know what my rage would make me do.

Elliot Stabler: [to Dr. Morton after he is acquitted of murdering Jake O'Hara] Tell me one thing. When did you decide to kill Jake?
Dr. Brett Morton: In the courtroom, once I knew what he was. You were right. I looked around, saw the officer, realized I could take the gun. I just waited for the right moment.
Elliot Stabler: You manipulated us just like Jake did.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Savior (#11.14)" (2010)
Michael Gallagher: Look, I don't know what you're talking about.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Young hookers. You've got a thing for them.
Michael Gallagher: Absolutely not. I'm a married man.
Detective Elliot Stabler: How about that fourteen year old you were caught diddling?
Michael Gallagher: I was a kid.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Mike, you were twenty-two.
Michael Gallagher: She looked older. I prayed for forgiveness. I never made that mistake again.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Until you met Maggie Ortiz.
Michael Gallagher: Never seen her before.
Detective Elliot Stabler: No?
Michael Gallagher: No.
Detective Elliot Stabler: How about Abby Mannion?
Michael Gallagher: I don't know her, either.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Your penis does. Your semen was found inside her.

Detective Elliot Stabler: [to Lynn] Why are you sweating?
Lynn Drexel: Wouldn't you be if somebody just told you your best friend died?
Detective Elliot Stabler: No, I'd probably be crying, not sweating.

Lynn Drexel: I'm not an addict.
Detective Elliot Stabler: You just like the way coke smells?

Marmalade: [to Gladys] Cops don't give a damn about you, Sunshine. So shut your mouth!
Olivia Benson: You need to shut yours before I put my fist through it.
Marmalade: I like a feisty bitch.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Well, then you're going to like being one when I throw you in the slammer.

Billy Skags: God put me on this earth to fight Satan's grip on these girls' souls.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Did God tell you to put your death grip on these girls' necks?

John Buchanan: [to Gladys] Don't worry, young lady. I don't think they'll arrest you.
Gladys Dalton: Why would they arrest me?
John Buchanan: Well, you are a prostitute.
Gladys Dalton: Is he telling the truth? Are you going to arrest me?
Detective Elliot Stabler: No.
Olivia Benson: No, Gladys, we just need you to identify the man that tried to kill you.
John Buchanan: The police lie, Gladys, all the time.
Detective Elliot Stabler: One more word, I'll collar you for intimidating a witness. One more word.

Olivia Benson: Gladys, you can't ignore the fact that you're pregnant.
Gladys Dalton: I'm not ignoring it anymore. I have an appointment at the clinic tomorrow and I'm taking my vitamins. You know, I don't think I've ever been this excited about anything.
Olivia Benson: But you understand that if you decide to keep the baby, you're going to have to make some big changes in your life.
Gladys Dalton: What are you talking about? Of course, I'm keeping my baby.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Well, if you change your mind, there are organizations that can help with adoption.
Gladys Dalton: I won't change my mind. Look, I want a new life and this is my way to get it.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Gladys, you're giving life to the baby. It's not the other way around.

Detective Elliot Stabler: [to Olivia] Can my do-goody ass get another cup?

Olivia Benson: [to Dr. Frantz] How is Gladys?
Dr. Frantz: She had a grand mal seizure. Most likely brought on by pre-eclampsia with brain edema.
Detective Elliot Stabler: In English, Doc?
Dr. Frantz: Her blood pressure was dangerously high, so I had to do a crash C-section, but Gladys is going to be okay.
Olivia Benson: What about the baby?
Dr. Frantz: Four months early, barely weighs a pound. She has respiratory problems, necrotizing enterocolitis, intraventricular hemorrhaging. Bottom line, at the very least, she's going to need multiple surgeries and months of care in the NlCU.
Olivia Benson: So what are her chances? Seriously.
Dr. Frantz: Babies born any earlier, we usually place in the hospice. This one, I'd say anywhere between 17 and 40%.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Still worth it.
Dr. Frantz: I don't know if l'd necessarily agree with you.
Olivia Benson: You think heroic measures shouldn't be taken.
Dr. Frantz: I think withholding treatment is an option.
Detective Elliot Stabler: It's not an option. It's murder.
Dr. Frantz: And pouring thousands, if not millions, of dollars into saving a baby who will be blind with cerebral palsy and severe mental retardation, you think that's what's best for her?
Detective Elliot Stabler: You cannot say for sure that this baby will not live a normal life.
Dr. Frantz: No one can, but the odds are very small.

Olivia Benson: Gladys wants to use heroic measures to save her baby.
Detective Elliot Stabler: I don't blame her. Whatever happened to "First, do no harm"?
Olivia Benson: What if keeping her alive does more harm than good?
Detective Elliot Stabler: If you had kids, you wouldn't be asking that question.
Olivia Benson: Oh, so just because I'm not a mother, I don't care about this baby?
Detective Elliot Stabler: That's not what I meant.
Olivia Benson: Elliot, what if little Eli was going to die? Or he was so disabled that he would have to have round-the-clock care for the rest of his life?
Detective Elliot Stabler: I wouldn't play God.
Olivia Benson: Then don't play doctor, either.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Snatched (#10.13)" (2009)
Elliot Stabler: [while searching for Geno Parnell at a strip club] It's like "Let's Make a Deal" in hell.

Geno Parnell: [to Stabler] All I wanted to do was to see my little girl on her birthday. Don't lock me up for that.
Elliot Stabler: No, no. I'm locking you up for kidnapping Rosie. Now, where is she?
Geno Parnell: What are you talking about?
Elliot Stabler: Stalking her wasn't enough for you?
Geno Parnell: Somebody took Rosie?
Elliot Stabler: You stroked her hair and she ran away?
Geno Parnell: No, hey. Hey, that's sick. Hey, that's my kid!
Elliot Stabler: Every girl getting guys off at the Nut Hut is somebody's kid! That didn't stop you from working there.

Elliot Stabler: [to Fin after getting into a scuffle with Geno] I had him.
Odafin Tutuola: Yeah, like Custer had the Indians.

Eddy Mack: [to Stabler] What the hell are you, a linebacker?
Elliot Stabler: Strong safety.

Elliot Stabler: [about Frank] The guy's been rambling like this since we found him.
Donald Cragen: Back in '74, we arrested him for grand larceny. He was looking at serious time. He ate his shoe, the whole thing. He wound up in the funny farm instead of prison. Two weeks later, he waltzes out the door and laughs at us all.

Geno Parnell: My whole life, I never made a score half this rich.
Elliot Stabler: Yeah, I'm going to pretend you didn't say that.

Olivia Benson: [When Liz decides to escape down a storm drain] Liz, what are you doing?
Liz Rinaldi: I'm sorry, Olivia. I have to run.
Elliot Stabler: Keep her talking. I'll get the bolt cutters.
[leaves to get the bolt cutters]
Olivia Benson: Why do you have to run?
Liz Rinaldi: Because I found those jewels in my dad's box of All-Bran. I didn't know he was supposed to fence them.
Olivia Benson: Where are they?
Liz Rinaldi: They're gone. To pay Pete's gambling debt or they'd kill him, but it wasn't enough.
Olivia Benson: Pete made the ransom call?
Liz Rinaldi: We need the money to get out of town!
[begins to run]
Olivia Benson: Liz! Liz! What about Rosie?
Liz Rinaldi: If I go to prison, I won't see her until she's 30.
Olivia Benson: Don't do this.
Liz Rinaldi: Just tell her I love her.
[runs away]
Olivia Benson: Liz, stop! Come back here! Come back here!

Professor Roy Batters: I am a hobbyist among a bunch of criminals. If any of them found out I squealed, you know what would happen.
Elliot Stabler: Whoever cracked that safe kidnapped this girl. You don't help us, she dies. That's what else will happen.

Elliot Stabler: [to Geno after he robs a motel] Geno, what happened? Geno, why did you do this? You finally had a chance. Why did you do this?
Geno Parnell: Go to hell.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Pique (#2.20)" (2001)
Dr. Melinda Warner: [During the murder victim's autopsy] External examination found no traces of semen. Further testing showed spermicides usually found in condoms.
[places an organ on the scale]
Elliot Stabler: This is fun.

Jason Mayberry: [to Stabler] Bad news?
Elliot Stabler: You wouldn't believe it if I told you. Stupid, stone-crunching slut.
Jason Mayberry: Who?
Elliot Stabler: My wife.

Jason Mayberry: [to Stabler] How long you been married?
Elliot Stabler: Sixteen year sentence. Sixteen long, dry years.
Jason Mayberry: Any kids?
Elliot Stabler: Too many. Creditor just called. I'm in hock up to my ass. My wife shops and if I take away her credit cards, she don't give me any.

Elliot Stabler: I've been doing this a long time, Jason. I know it's true. The women victims for the most part were asking for it. They take our manhood, they suck us dry, they mess with our heads and then they're surprised when we fight back.

Jason Mayberry: Ronnie was gonna leave that pitiful excuse for a man to be with me, but then she couldn't because she got pregnant. That baby could be mine.
Elliot Stabler: That baby is dead. Mother's dead, baby's dead. You killed them both.
Jason Mayberry: You're just making this up because you have to blame someone. It wasn't me.
[begins to leave the room]
Elliot Stabler: You yoked her! You raped her! And when she pleaded for her life and that of her unborn child, you stuck your knife into her back to make her shut up. That's what really happened, Jason. Just admit it.
Jason Mayberry: [turns around] No, I did not kill her!

Elliot Stabler: Jason, how long has your mother been sleeping with you?
Jason Mayberry: What are you talking about? That's crazy.
Elliot Stabler: Jason, listen to me. She had no right to touch you like that. She had no right to abuse you.
Jason Mayberry: You're crazy. You know that. You're all You're all crazy. Hey! Hey! Is that what happens to all you people here? The sex police, sex on the brain. Well, my mother never touched me like that.

Elliot Stabler: Jason, it wasn't your fault.
Jason Mayberry: Yes, yes. Yes, it was. I'm a dirty little boy. I can't keep my hands to myself. You lying boy. Don't look, look. Don't touch, touch me.
[moans]
Jason Mayberry: Go away. No, come here and hold me. Mmm, baby, doesn't that feel so good? You're a good little boy. Shh.

Elliot Stabler: [about Jason Mayberry's confession after it's thrown out] He wasn't under arrest.
ADA Alexandra Cabot: I specifically cautioned you about the custodial issue.
Donald Cragen: No, you said that he was to be free to go at any time. My detective persuaded him otherwise. He did a hell of a job getting that confession.
Elliot Stabler: Whose side you on?
ADA Alexandra Cabot: Mine. You know the trial closure rate for sex crimes cases is four percent. Four percent. There are a lot of factors responsible for that, but I never...
Elliot Stabler: I did my job, Counselor. Don't blame me if you didn't do yours. I stayed in that room and pushed him to the edge. You lost him on a technicality.
Donald Cragen: All right. That's enough, both of you.

ADA Alexandra Cabot: [about Jason Mayberry] I've shown you all my cards, Malcolm. What's it going to be?
Malcolm Sanderson: No judge is going to sign a warrant based on what you've got, Alex.
Olivia Benson: Credit card receipts from area stores and witness statements which put him in his mother's house after each attack. What more could you possibly need?
Malcolm Sanderson: That isn't enough to prove that he stashed a murder weapon in his mother's home.
Elliot Stabler: What has to happen before you get off your collective asses and do your jobs?
Malcolm Sanderson: Look, I know you're upset, Detective, but the law doesn't allow...
Elliot Stabler: Just tell me what you need? You need a New Jersey victim to do something? He admitted to everything...
ADA Alexandra Cabot: Detective!
Elliot Stabler: We got his confession on tape. We just couldn't hold him.
Malcolm Sanderson: You don't make a lot of friends, do you?
Elliot Stabler: Yeah, well.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Fault (#7.19)" (2006)
Det. Elliot Stabler: I'm calling for backup.
Det. Olivia Benson: Tell them we can't wait.

Elliot Stabler: If that sniper hadn't beaten you to it... I know you would have taken that shot, Olivia.
Olivia Benson: No, I wouldn't have. Did you really expect me to? Did you really expect me to cause your death? What about your kids?
Elliot Stabler: I don't know. I just couldn't get that boy out of my head.
Olivia Benson: [softly] What about me?
Elliot Stabler: Look, we both chose each other over the job. We can never let that happen again. Otherwise... we can't be partners.
Olivia Benson: I can't believe you're saying that.
Elliot Stabler: Look, you and this job are about the only things that I've got got anymore. I don't want to wreck that. I couldn't take it.
[walks away]

Det. Elliot Stabler: We can't be partners.
Olivia Benson: I can't believe you're saying that.

Elliot Stabler: [after Olivia was stabbed by Gitano, and Elliot ran to her,instead of going after Gitano] Olivia! Oh my god, no!
[Dropping to her side]
Olivia Benson: It's okay, I'm okay. Where's Gitano? Go Elliot, go, I'm fine. Go!

George Huang: [Elliot went to see Huang after feeling guilty because he went to save Olivia instead of going after Gitano. Gitano ended up killing a boy that Elliot could have saved] In situations like this there is no good choice. Every choice becomes a sacrifice.
Elliot Stabler: Not true.
George Huang: You had to choose between saving the little boy or saving Olivia
Elliot Stabler: Yeah, but she didn't need me.
George Huang: You didn't know that.
Elliot Stabler: [Long pause. Elliot was deep in thought] I wish I didn't...
George Huang: Didn't what... didn't care so much? Elliot that's what makes you a good partner
Elliot Stabler: She made me turn away.
George Huang: How? How did she make you do anything?
Elliot Stabler: [Another long pause] She didn't. It was my choice; nobody else was responsible for it, but me.
[Elliot walks out of the office, looking upset]

Olivia Benson: Is there something you want to say to me? Because if you do, then let's hear you say it.
Elliot Stabler: [Obviously angry] Why didn't you shoot Gitano?
Olivia Benson: He was using the child as a shield.
Elliot Stabler: [Still angry] How could you let him get so close to you?
Olivia Benson: There were innocent civilians around. I couldn't get a shot
Elliot Stabler: Well you got close and Ryan's dead.
Olivia Benson: So this is my fault?
Elliot Stabler: [Starting to yell,while walking away] I can't do this anymore. I can't be looking over my shoulder, making sure you're okay.
Olivia Benson: You son of a bitch, you know that's not true.
Elliot Stabler: [Yelling even louder] I need to know you can do your job and not wait for me to come to your rescue.

Det. Elliot Stabler: [setting up a sting for a kidnapper at a ticket window] Just relax and do what you normally do, okay?
Western Union Agent: This *is* what I normally do.
Det. Elliot Stabler: Do it without looking terrified.

Olivia Benson: [about Rebecca] Tell us where she is, Victor.
Elliot Stabler: She's here! She's not dead otherwise he would've been long gone. Unless, you like them dead, you sick like that, too, Gitano? You like to play with corpses?
Victor Paul Gitano: Yeah, I love that. The deader, the better. They don't fight as much.
Elliot Stabler: Olivia, you think about me, Rebecca is dead. Pull that trigger. Shoot him. Shoot him. Olivia, shoot him.
Victor Paul Gitano: Yeah, do that. But you'd better make sure you take me out with one shot. One perfect, perfect shot.
Olivia Benson: [Benson keeps the gun pointed at Gitano]
Victor Paul Gitano: Of course my reflexes are pretty tight. I could pull the trigger before the bullet even hits me, or maybe you miss me altogether. Either way, there's an 80% chance that I'm gonna take this guy's head clean off! But you try it, definietly. It'll probably turn out great.
Olivia Benson: You can kill us both, Victor. You'll still never wak out of here.
Victor Paul Gitano: Right. Right, 'cause yyou got some buddies coming, huh? When's that going down?
Olivia Benson: Any minute.

Det. Olivia Benson: Victor, there's no way out of this.
Victor Paul Gitano: Stop talking!
Det. Olivia Benson: You know what's gonna happen if you don't put that gun down. Now, enough people have died.
Elliot Stabler: Olivia...
Det. Olivia Benson: [continuing] And I know that you don't want to die. You could've pulled the trigger on Detective Stabler, and then I would've had to kill you but you didn't do that. You didn't do that because you're being smart.
Elliot Stabler: [to Benson] You've only got one chance, you gotta take it.
Det. Olivia Benson: Where's Rebecca, Victor? Is she alive?
Victor Paul Gitano: I'm not gonna tell you dick until you drop the gun, bitch!
Elliot Stabler: Shoot him!
Det. Olivia Benson: Shut up, Elliot!
Victor Paul Gitano: Stop moving, or he's dead!
Det. Olivia Benson: And then what? Do you really think that you're gonna walk out of here? Because that's not gonna happen. Now, this is your choice, dead or alive.
Victor Paul Gitano: I go, he goes.
Det. Olivia Benson: Victor, tell us where Rebecca is and we can end this right now.
Victor Paul Gitano: Dead. I used her up and I bled her dry. You want to hear how she screamed? How she begged for her mommy?
Det. Olivia Benson: Stop it.
Victor Paul Gitano: She was a slut, that one. A real little whore
Elliot Stabler: And I'm looking at a deadman!
Victor Paul Gitano: [Gitano grabs Stabler and points the gun at his head] Any closer and you're gonna be wearing his brains on your coat!
Elliot Stabler: Olivia, there is no reason to keep this piece of crap alive. Pull the trigger right now. Olivia, pull it. Shoot him!
Victor Paul Gitano: You know... You know that little girl, it's possible that she isn't dead. She could be locked up in this building somewhere, huh? Or someplace else 50 miles away. You don't really know, do you?
Det. Olivia Benson: You're a liar
Victor Paul Gitano: Yeah, well. That's the point.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Cold (#9.19)" (2008)
Dr. Melinda Warner: [while at the crime scene] I see the circus is in town.
Elliot Stabler: What do you expect? When cops shoot each other, clowns come out. It's entertainment.

Odafin Tutuola: [to Elliot] Do you know everything about Olivia?
Elliot Stabler: No, but I'd notice if she disappeared once a month.

Casey Novak: [to Stabler] You think you could manage to read Detective Lake his rights?
Elliot Stabler: I miss something?
Casey Novak: I specifically told you not to question him. He's under the 48-hour rule and shielded from interrogation.
Elliot Stabler: Don't worry. He didn't say anything.
Casey Novak: Yeah, and lucky for you. Because if he talked, it would've been inadmissible and under immunity.
Elliot Stabler: Okay, so how are we supposed to put this down when most crimes are solved within the first 48?
Casey Novak: You know what? That's not my problem. So you either follow orders or just stay out of the way.

Odafin Tutuola: Dumping my phones was a bitch move, Stabler.
Elliot Stabler: Yeah, I called him. I didn't think he'd run.
Odafin Tutuola: You should've stayed out of it.
Olivia Benson: Take it easy.
Odafin Tutuola: He's my partner.
Elliot Stabler: Who you helped evade arrest.
Donald Cragen: Dial it down or you're both going on report.

Donald Cragen: Lake is not our problem anymore. The Fugitive Apprehension Team will take it from here.
Odafin Tutuola: All those guys do is workout and shoot guns. They're gonna kill Lake.
Donald Cragen: Well, that's not how F.A.T. works, Detective.
Odafin Tutuola: Kralik's got a lot of friends on the street that'd like to see Lake dead. You gotta at least let me look.
Elliot Stabler: Where you gonna start? You don't even know the guy.
Odafin Tutuola: I know he didn't do it.
Elliot Stabler: Three bullet holes in the victim's back say different.
Odafin Tutuola: You ever think the force behind the first two spun Kralik? We're trained to keep firing till the subject is down.

Odafin Tutuola: News reports are saying Lake took a hostage. Who gave them that?
Elliot Stabler: How about your partner after he took Cecelia Cruz with a warrant on his ass?

Elliot Stabler: Look, all the evidence pointed to his guilty.
Olivia Benson: Which means that we should've taken a hard look at Lake, not Fin.
Elliot Stabler: Oh, so I shouldn't have dumped his phones?
Olivia Benson: Fin's a straight shooter, Elliot. All you had to do was ask him. I think you need to make this right.

Elliot Stabler: [to Thomas Crane as he attempts to shoot Lake] Squeeze that trigger, you'll be dead before the slug leaves the pipe.

Elliot Stabler: [to Fin] Look, the situation got a little heated and I want to say I'm sorry about that.
Odafin Tutuola: You're a bulldog, Stabler. Quick to assume, slow to admit when you're wrong. Makes for a good cop, but a lousy human being
Olivia Benson: Fin, hear him out.
Odafin Tutuola: Stay out of it, Liv. That being said, I know what it cost you.
Elliot Stabler: Appreciate that.
Odafin Tutuola: I'm not done. The problem is you will still be the same rat bastard tomorrow and nothing you say will ever change that.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Doubt (#6.8)" (2004)
Olivia Benson: What happened between you and Kathy?
Elliot Stabler: [shrugs] Uhh, the job. Makes me kind of hard to live with.
Olivia Benson: She should try working with you.

Elliot Stabler: What's your name, sir?
Ron Polikoff: Ron Polikoff. I know Myra. Is she okay?
Elliot Stabler: She says she was raped. Know anything about that, Mr. Polikoff?
Ron Polikoff: She's going to say I did it.

Elliot Stabler: [to Ron about Myra] You're her professor, you call the shots, but you were helpless?
Ron Polikoff: Look, my wife left me nine months ago and I was lonely and I wasn't thinking straight. And this Myra, she came at me like a Like a bird hits your windshield. You know? And I just went off the road, I crashed. Haven't you felt that way? You think you're in control, but you're not?

Olivia Benson: So Warner says that the other DNA sample on Myra's teddy is indeed Justin Wexler's.
Casey Novak: Good, I don't think that's going to hurt us with the jury too much.
Elliot Stabler: The fact she wore sexy silk underwear to Polikoff's sure will.
Olivia Benson: That's not an invitation for rape.
Elliot Stabler: Maybe she didn't even see it as rape until he told her to leave.
Olivia Benson: Elliot...
Casey Novak: Guys, I can't prosecute this until you agree. Call me when you get on the same page.

Olivia Benson: [to Stabler] What is your problem with Myra?
Elliot Stabler: She's neurotic. Look, she chased after a guy whose life is falling apart.
Olivia Benson: So that gives him the right to force her to have sex?
Elliot Stabler: She was the one who wanted to have sex.
Olivia Benson: Really? Did she want to be strangled, too?
Elliot Stabler: A lot of people do.
Olivia Benson: Elliot, what's wrong with you?
Elliot Stabler: What's wrong with me? Myra hasn't told a consistent story yet! She lied about when he looked at her portfolio!
Olivia Benson: Right, maybe he lied! It's her word against his!
Elliot Stabler: Yeah, but her words can put him in prison for 10 years! She hails a cab instead of calling the cops? She doesn't even mention rape until she's about to be arrested!
Olivia Benson: Elliot, rape victims are in shock. They're in denial. You know that!, you've seen it.
Elliot Stabler: I've also seen liars.

Donald Cragen: [to Lorna Scarry about Stabler] That's enough, Counselor. In 12 years, there has never been a complaint against this man.
Lorna Scarry: Men change especially when their wives file for legal separation. My investigator checked the court documents. He also found out that your wife took the kids and moved in with her mother.
Elliot Stabler: You have no right to use my personal life to make your case.

Olivia Benson: Elliot, stop! Hey! What's going on?
Elliot Stabler: I touched her in an inappropriate manner. Didn't you hear?
Olivia Benson: I don't believe that. Forget that. What's going on at home?
Elliot Stabler: Nothing.
Olivia Benson: Hey, would you talk to me?
Elliot Stabler: Kathy left me.

Donald Cragen: [to Stabler about Myra's allegation of sexual harassment] Why did you get into a car alone with a female victim?
Elliot Stabler: It was 3:00 in the morning, the sector car was going to be an hour late.
Donald Cragen: Why not just drop her at her building? Why go inside?
Elliot Stabler: Captain, that girl was dead on her feet. She lives in a fifth-floor walk-up.
Donald Cragen: That it?
Elliot Stabler: No, I wanted to size her up.
Donald Cragen: You should've done that in the precinct.
Elliot Stabler: You really think that lawyer's going to file a complaint?
Donald Cragen: I think Scarry's just trying to bully us. We arrest Polikoff, this will all go away.
Elliot Stabler: I thought we decide who we arrest.
Donald Cragen: We do, and you are done with Myra Denning.

Elliot Stabler: [about Ron Polikoff] Isn't he smart? He comes forward, he says, "I did it" and we all think he's a stand-up guy.
Donald Cragen: Maybe that's what he is.
Elliot Stabler: He just manipulated the hell out of his daughter and he's manipulating us. The first time that I saw him, he walked right up to me and he said, "She's going to say I raped her." This guy's good.
Olivia Benson: So now you don't believe him.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Soulless (#4.25)" (2003)
[Talking to Vienna, the girl who last saw the vicitm]
Elliot Stabler: You were at AirBar with her.
Vienna Sterling: No I wasn't.
Olivia Benson: Really?
[grabs Vienna's hand and shines UV light on it to reveal an elephant stamp]
Vienna Sterling: What are you doing?
Olivia Benson: Well, Elephant says you were.
Elliot Stabler: And they never forget.

Olivia Benson: This is a capital offense, Mitch. Looks like you're going away forever.
Mitch Wilkens, aka Max Van Horn: Don't worry. I'll write.
Elliot Stabler: Well, we did a little digging. You don't own that brownstone where you were living. You never paid rent. You had no lease.
Olivia Benson: It's owned by an elderly woman called Emily Owens. No family, most of her friends have died, and we can't find her.
Mitch Wilkens, aka Max Van Horn: Huh.
Elliot Stabler: Eric, everybody, including your own mother, believes that you are beyond redemption. That's not true. This woman deserves a proper burial. You know that's the right thing. Where is she?
Mitch Wilkens, aka Max Van Horn: Gee, I don't know. I guess I'm going away for a while, so I should probably give notice.
Court Officer: Let's go.
Mitch Wilkens, aka Max Van Horn: [Mitch is led away in handcuffs, and looks back over his shoulder at Benson and Stabler] Do let me know if you find her.

Olivia Benson: You're either born with a conscience or you aren't.
Elliot Stabler: No no no, it's all in how you're raised.

Vera Galeano: I comply with all codes. Even this new, pain-in-the-ass no smoking ban. See?
Olivia Benson: I think the Liquor Board might be more interested with how many patrons are rolled out of here with acute alcohol poisoning.
Vera Galeano: I don't know anything about that.
Elliot Stabler: Lady, you've got your own ambulance waiting for them outside.
Olivia Benson: I wonder how many girls leave here with GHB in them? You know, a date rape drug isn't taken voluntarily.
Vera Galeano: I know clubs have had people die in the time it takes to call 911. That's why I go that extra mile to protect my clients.
Elliot Stabler: You did a piss-poor job of protecting this one.

Donald Cragen: [about Chloe Dutton] Our girl still MIA?
Fin Tutuola: She didn't show up for school yesterday, but apparently that's par for the course.
Donald Cragen: Well, they didn't even bother to call the parents?
Olivia Benson: Her mother's out of town staying at some fat farm and the housekeeper said that Chloe's staying at her father's this week.
Elliot Stabler: Her father, Phillip Dutton is across town in merger negotiations. His assistant's trying to get word to him, but he swears it's the mother's week.
Donald Cragen: Let me guess, an acrimonious divorce?
John Munch: Is there any other kind?

Elliot Stabler: [to Cabot about Mitch Wilkens] They couldn't publish the killer's name because of his age, but I'm telling you, it was the most gruesome murder in Bedford, New Hampshire's history.
Olivia Benson: We talked to the local police. They said that he was always a psycho. He's been collared five times for breaking and entering.
Elliot Stabler: His juvenile records were sealed and then expunged when he was released.
Alexandra Cabot: When did he get out?
Olivia Benson: Three years ago when he was 19.
Elliot Stabler: He was supposed to be in there till he was 21, but he got out early for good behavior.
Olivia Benson: Of course he did because he's a sociopath. He gets a clean slate, a new name and then he moves here.
Elliot Stabler: Where he kills again.

Elliot Stabler: [to Mrs. Wilkens about Mitch] He ruined your life. You lost your job, your friends, your husband. You stood by him. He's murdered again.
Olivia Benson: Only this time, he dragged you into it. You perjured yourself, you obstructed justice and you could go to jail.
Sally Wilkens: I didn't lie. He didn't kill that girl.
Olivia Benson: Her name was Chloe. She was only 15.
Elliot Stabler: Of course that's five times older than his first victim.
Sally Wilkens: Eric was only a baby then. He didn't know what he was doing. He thought it was a game.
Elliot Stabler: A game? This is not a game. Your son is sick!

Olivia Benson: [about Chloe's death] Mrs. Wilkens, a mother knows her son. Now you know that that's him, dragging her from the hospital to her death. Before he dumped her body into the river, he shoved her face into the toilet and he held it there until she was dead.
Elliot Stabler: That's how much regard he has for human life and when he gets out, he's gonna kill somebody else.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Choreographed (#8.9)" (2006)
Steve: [Det. Stabler is roughing up a suspect with one broken arm in the interview room] Why do you got to be so rough?
Det. Elliot Stabler: Because you still have one arm to break.
Olivia Benson: Yeah, my partner has a real anger management problem. I thought he had it under control. Apparently, I was wrong.
Det. Elliot Stabler: [looks up to Benson who had just returned as his partner after his few weeks partnered up with Danni Beck] I've had a tough couple of weeks.
Olivia Benson: [to the suspect] Seriously. He WILL break your arm.

Det. Elliot Stabler: [after finding out that their suspect planted a microchip into his wife's body to see if she was cheating on him, which she was] Hmm... The guy invented a "Ho-Jack."

Det. John Munch: [regarding death threats] That's why none of my four ex-wives ever made good on their threats. There's nothing to inherit.
Det. Elliot Stabler: Except your Warren Commission memorabilia.

[last lines]
Olivia Benson: Love's a bitch.
Det. Elliot Stabler: Tell me about it.
Olivia Benson: You know, we've been partners all these years. I don't even know your blood type.
Det. Elliot Stabler: A-postiive.
Olivia Benson: How 'bout that? Me too.
Det. Elliot Stabler: [both enter elevator and turn and face door looking forward in thought] I'd give you a kidney.
Olivia Benson: Not if I gave you mine first.
[elevator doors close]

Det. John Munch: Technology's made it so much easier to spy on people, family, even strangers.
Det. Elliot Stabler: Not everybody's a snoop.
Det. John Munch: No? Do you use Spyware to find out what sites your kids visit online? Do you?
Det. Elliot Stabler: My kids don't go online unless I know where they're going.
Det. John Munch: Exactly, you call it being a concerned parent, I call it Big Brother.

Det. Elliot Stabler: You're out of line, Casey.
A.D.A. Casey Novak: What's your excuse?
Olivia Benson: Are you through with the character assassination?

Det. Elliot Stabler: You like to play with needles? You should learn to sterilize them.
Glenn Cheales: What's wrong with her?
Olivia Benson: She's septic. Now start talking.
Glenn Cheales: You don't understand, she has a liver condition.
Olivia Benson: We know all about it, now talk.

M.E. Melinda Warner: So, you're working this alone?
Det. Elliot Stabler: Yeah
M.E. Melinda Warner: Where's detective Beck?
Det. Elliot Stabler: Eh, Dani is went back to warrents
M.E. Melinda Warner: You're getting another new partner?
Det. Elliot Stabler: No, they've run out


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Goliath (#6.23)" (2005)
D.A. Arthur Branch: CONFERENCE ROOM! NOW!
Det. Elliot Stabler: What was that about?
ADA Casey Novak: Oh, that was probably about another subpoena I sent out.
Det. Elliot Stabler: For what?
ADA Casey Novak: Donald Rumsfeld.

Sherm Hempell: Look, if you think I'm giving that up, you're on crack.
Det. Elliot Stabler: I'm on what?

Det. Elliot Stabler: You make it sound like they're poisoning their own troops, why would they do that?
Detective John Munch: I asked myself the same question a couple years back when the military started making soldiers take an experimental anthrax vaccine. Even after people died, they didn't stop until the Supreme Court ordered them to.

Det. Elliot Stabler: Wes Myers sacrificed his family once when he left them for Afghanistan, he has no family now, he doesn't deserve that.

Dr. George Huang: I don't think it's PTSD.
Det. Elliot Stabler: Why not?
Dr. George Huang: Callahan reports no change in his sleep patterns or eating habits. He exhibits no exaggerated startle reflex. His nightmares are vivid and bizarre; more like hallucinations. And he experiences paranoia and suicidal ideation.
Detective Olivia Benson: So if it's not P.T.S.D., what is causing all this?
Dr. George Huang: Well, if this were an isolated case, I'd say that he might have developed schizo-affective disorder. Or, it could be organic. A brain tumor, for instance.
Det. Elliot Stabler: But it's not isolated. It's two different guys. What are the odds they'd both come down with the same disorder?
Dr. George Huang: It's next to impossible. Which leaves us with an environmental cause. Both soldiers affected by the same toxin.
Detective Olivia Benson: Gulf War Syndrome has been blamed on everything from chemical weapons to depleted uranium bullets.
Det. Elliot Stabler: Yeah, and the Marines gave me a physical when I finished my tour. I'll be the Army does the same thing.

Dr. Trainer: [Location and date title: Fort Crompton Base Clinic, Wednesday, April 6] Actually, D.O.D. says post-deployment physicals are optional for soldiers now.
Detective Olivia Benson: Did Wes Myers or Tom Callahan opt to take one?
Dr. Trainer: No, ma'am. Just filled out the required health questionnaire.
Det. Elliot Stabler: Either man report any problems?
Dr. Trainer: [looking down at a survey] Not a thing.
Det. Elliot Stabler: Could we take a look at the surveys?
Dr. Trainer: Can't make that call for you, Detective. Have to take it up with the unit commander.

Det. Elliot Stabler: Our shrink ruled out P.T.S.D. Both men were hallucinating, uh, violent, suicidal.
Dr. Trainer: Any other symptoms?
Detective Olivia Benson: Vivid dreams, paranoia...
Det. Elliot Stabler: Not to mention they both attacked their wives.
Dr. Trainer: [smiles, shakes head, shrugs] There's really nothing I can do to help you.
[walks outside]
Det. Elliot Stabler: Sir, Sir. I was in the Marines, so... I understand the need for discretion but we got a pattern here.
Dr. Trainer: You'll have to take it up with the Pentagon, Detectives. I'm sorry.
[goes down steps and walks away while Olivia and Elliot look at each other in question]

Detective Olivia Benson: There's no telling how long the side effects will last.
Det. Elliot Stabler: Or who'll be next.
[they look up at footage of the U.S. troops coming home]
Sherm Hempell: Or how many.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Poison (#5.24)" (2004)
Judge Oliver Taft: Ms. Novak, I'm afraid the People haven't met their burden of proving the interview wasn't suggestive. Therefore the defense motion to suppress the witness' testimony is granted.
Detective Elliot Stabler: This is a joke.
Judge Oliver Taft: I beg your pardon, Detective Stabler?
Detective Elliot Stabler: I said this is a joke.
Judge Oliver Taft: You'd be wise to remember no one cares what you think once you're out of that box, Detective.
Detective Elliot Stabler: That interview wasn't suggestive.
A.D.A. Casey Novak: Elliot, stop.
Detective Elliot Stabler: You're one of these judges who thinks cops strong-arms witnesses in order to make their case. What, do you think I bullied a seven-year-old into lying?
A.D.A. Casey Novak: Elliot, leave!
Judge Oliver Taft: No, Elliot, stay. Enjoy the hospitality of our holding cells. You're in contempt. Officer of the court, escort the Detective out of here.

Detective Elliot Stabler: [to Casey] And you complain about my ego.
Judge Mary Clark: [to Elliot] You didn't help matters any by arguing with a federal judge.

Detective Elliot Stabler: What good does it do to ruin your career?
A.D.A. Casey Novak: If this is justice, I don't want this career.

A.D.A. Casey Novak: I want Taft off the bench.
Detective Elliot Stabler: And I want a '65 Stingray.
A.D.A. Casey Novak: I'm serious, I'm going after him.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Casey, don't do this, what good does it do to kill your career?
A.D.A. Casey Novak: If this is justice, I don't want this career.

Detective Elliot Stabler: [to Novak after he is held in contempt] Thanks for getting me a couple hours off.
A.D.A. Casey Novak: You're not blaming this on me.
Detective Elliot Stabler: You did let that defense attorney trash me pretty good.
A.D.A. Casey Novak: That stunt that you pulled, that's gonna help ensure that Judge Taft is gonna screw me in the trial, but, hey, at least your ego's still intact.
Detective Elliot Stabler: You got me out to talk about my ego?
A.D.A. Casey Novak: I did not get you out of there.
Judge Mary Clark: I called in a favor. The contempt citation is withdrawn. So if you could possibly stop acting like a petulant child, that will be thanks enough.

A.D.A. Casey Novak: [about Judge Taft] This guy is an arrogant prick.
Judge Mary Clark: True. And he completely takes issue with young attorneys who think they know more about the law than he does.
Detective Elliot Stabler: And you're worried about my ego? This guy abuses his power and gets away with it.
Judge Mary Clark: You didn't help the situation by mouthing off to the trial judge.

Donald Cragen: I'm all for getting an innocent woman out of jail, if she's innocent, but we don't have the manpower to fuel a vendetta, Casey.
Detective Elliot Stabler: You know, Captain, it's really not that much work. I think we can swing it.
Donald Cragen: Thank you for being such a real helper, Elliot.

Judge Oliver Taft: [as he's being arrested] You are going to be very sorry for this.
Detective Elliot Stabler: And you're going to look so pretty for your mug shot.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Penetration (#12.8)" (2010)
Detective Elliot Stabler: She's not going to be happy until I'm dead.

FBI Agent Dana Lewis: The PAT's plan was to spark a revolution by killing a cop. And you guys served up that state trooper on a silver platter. Then, after all of New York's finest would attend the funeral, they would just blow everybody else up.
[Lewis tosses a grenade towards Stabler and he catches it]
Detective Elliot Stabler: Hey, hey. I don't have a good track record with you and explosives.
[Nervously hands grenade back to her]
FBI Agent Dana Lewis: Oh relax Nancy. The pin is in it.

Detective Elliot Stabler: Control include that van you were in getting blown up?
FBI Agent Dana Lewis: That was an unscheduled boom-boom which wouldn't have happened had you bozos not sicced the state trooper on us.

Protester: [to Olivia] What are you, some kind of jihad Jane?
Detective Elliot Stabler: No, she's just very misguided.

Detective Elliot Stabler: [to Agent Lewis] Flunked high school typing, huh?

Detective Elliot Stabler: [to Seth Coleman] Come on, pal, don't run. My knees are killing me.

FBI Agent Dana Lewis: I should've put it together myself, but I haven't used that alias "Star Morrison" in over four years.
Detective Elliot Stabler: It's the only name Brian Ackerman knew you by.
Donald Cragen: There's the connection to Seth Coleman. Brian ran the Revolution-Aryan Warriors and he's doing life in Attica where you put him.
Detective Elliot Stabler: This is payback. I killed his son, Kyle.
FBI Agent Dana Lewis: To save your ample ass in that courtroom shoot-out.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Doesn't make us even.

Brian Ackerman: The Revolution-Aryan Warriors are stronger than ever.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Really? Since you went away, we elected a black president.
Brian Ackerman: Yeah. I hear he's Muslim.
Detective Olivia Benson: Don't believe everything you read on your own website.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Solitary (#11.3)" (2009)
[Sonya has ordered the SVU detectives to leave Donovan alone]
Detective Elliot Stabler: Lady, I've had one hell of a bad day, and I'm in no mood to be told what to do.

Detective Elliot Stabler: [grabs a CO after being locked in solitary confinement] You son of a bitch! I said three days, not a week!
Corrections Officer Kravitz: It was three days, I swear. It's Sunday night when you told me to let you out.

Detective Elliot Stabler: [to Cal Donovan] NYPD. This is my partner, Detective Benson. I'm...
Callum Donovan: Detective Stabler. And they say lightning never strikes twice.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Do I know you?
Callum Donovan: How could you forget? The last time we met, you put me in jail for 19 years.

Lily Milton: Does being the victim of a crime give you guys the right to hack through my e-mails?
Detective Elliot Stabler: No, but you're not a victim either, are you?
Lily Milton: I was abducted.
Detective Elliot Stabler: No, you weren't. You were not assaulted. You weren't kidnapped or tossed into the river. You were online at CopyQwik scoring drugs.
Lily Milton: No, you... you don't understand.
Olivia Benson: Okay. So make us understand, Lily.

Lily Milton: I almost died.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Hey, what do you... you want pity from us? You were willing to send an innocent man to prison to cover your ass?

Executive A.D.A. Sonya Paxton: [after Elliot is pushed off a building by Cal Donovan and ends up in the hospital]
[to Olivia]
Executive A.D.A. Sonya Paxton: Does he do this often?
Olivia Benson: What? Almost die in the line of duty?
Executive A.D.A. Sonya Paxton: Take a nap halfway through his tour.
Detective Elliot Stabler: I'm still alive. I can hear you, ladies.

Detective Elliot Stabler: [to Paxton] You know something? You have had a hard-on for me since the day you walked into this squad.
Executive A.D.A. Sonya Paxton: No, hon, not at all. I've got problems with anybody who doesn't play by the rules.
Detective Elliot Stabler: No, your rules. You act like the law is holy scripture. You don't give a damn about the law. You want control.
Executive A.D.A. Sonya Paxton: You don't know me. Okay, you know me?
Detective Elliot Stabler: I know you. I see perps like you walk in here every day of the week. They've got to have control or the whole world falls apart, but inside they're scared, weak, damaged...
[Paxton slaps him]

Executive A.D.A. Sonya Paxton: [to Elliot] Where the hell have you been?
Detective Elliot Stabler: The hole. I want to drop the charges.
Executive A.D.A. Sonya Paxton: Don't be a wuss, Stabler. You took a bad trip in your own head, and now what, you feel sorry for Donovan? Well, that's your problem. Mine is convicting a would-be cop killer, who thinks doing a little time gives him the right to whack the first cop who looks at him cross-eyed.
Detective Elliot Stabler: It's not that simple.
Executive A.D.A. Sonya Paxton: Actually, it is. If Donovan walks, it's open season on law enforcement for any perp who did a day in the hole.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Look, you don't have to set a precedent. Just cut him a deal.
Executive A.D.A. Sonya Paxton: If I plea-bargain Donovan, he's out in five years. And then what? Does he run down the cop who pulls him over for speeding? I won't take that chance.
Detective Elliot Stabler: If I report you for assault, the D.A. will suspend you.
Executive A.D.A. Sonya Paxton: Go ahead.
[Elliot doesn't do anything]
Executive A.D.A. Sonya Paxton: Thought so. You may have lost your balls in lock-up, but I've still got mine.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Clock (#8.2)" (2006)
Detective Elliot Stabler: Kathleen. What are you doing here? Is everything all right?
Kathleen Stabler: I need to talk to you.
Detective Elliot Stabler: A couple of days ago, you were never gonna speak to me again.

Kathleen Stabler: [to Stabler] I hate you!
[storms off]
Odafin Tutuola: [to Stabler] Everything okay?
Detective Elliot Stabler: Man, you're lucky you don't have daughters.

Maia Graves: Janey did that for herself. She's very strong-willed.
Detective Elliot Stabler: What does that mean? You're the parent.

Kathy Stabler: [to Stabler] Why haven't you signed the divorce papers? It's been months, Elliot. You won't talk to me, you won't talk to my lawyer, the kids are asking if we're getting back together. I've run out of things to say.
Detective Elliot Stabler: What do you want?
Kathy Stabler: An answer.
Detective Elliot Stabler: I don't know.
Kathy Stabler: I guess that's an answer.

Greg Hartley: Janey wanted me to have sex with her.
Detective Elliot Stabler: And you said, "Fine, baby. Buy yourself some lingerie and practice your sex positions"?

Donald Cragen: [about Janey] This girl is being pulled apart by an overprotective father and an overly-permissive mother.
Dr. George Huang: I think Janey knows what she wants. I think we should listen to her.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Yeah, and let Greg Hartley have what he wants.

Attorney Walsh: [to Stabler] You have a 17-year-old daughter, don't you?
Attorney Van Allen: Objection! Detective Stabler's personal life isn't relevant.
Attorney Walsh: This witness clearly has a personal bias in this case, Your Honor. Why else would he go trawling through New York state digging up dirt on Mr. Hartley?
Judge Bernard: [to Stabler] Do you have a daughter, Detective?
Detective Elliot Stabler: I have three daughters and one son and they have nothing to do with this.
Attorney Walsh: Despite the fact that you're separated from your wife and hardly see your kids?
Detective Elliot Stabler: Don't you talk about my family.
Attorney Walsh: Despite the fact you once pulled your 17-year-old daughter's boyfriend and threatened him with violence if he didn't leave her alone?
Detective Elliot Stabler: That has nothing to do with this.
Attorney Walsh: It has everything to do with this, Detective. Because it affects your ability to view this case. When you look at Nathan Speer, you see a man, a father like yourself, who is about to lose his daughter. That's why you're going after the man that Janey loves.
Detective Elliot Stabler: No! I'm going after a pedophile.

Detective Dani Beck: You're Detective Stabler, right?
Detective Elliot Stabler: Yeah.
Detective Dani Beck: Captain said you'd be here. I'm Dani Beck, your new partner.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Welcome to the world of grey.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Quickie (#11.11)" (2010)
Captain Donald Cragen: Attempted murder?
Detective Elliot Stabler: The way this guy was plowing through women, he might as well have been shooting a gun into a crowd.
Captain Donald Cragen: We can't get him on rape, so we go after him for spreading HIV? Do we have proof he infected somebody?
Detective Olivia Benson: He's positive, he's slept with hundreds of women, and he's bragging about riding bareback.

Captain Donald Cragen: We want to encourage people to get tested, not arrest them.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Butler brags about nailing a different piece of tail every night.
Detective Olivia Benson: Captain, he's just like a rapist. He gets off on hurting women.
A.D.A. Alexandra Cabot: Only he's found a way to injure his victims without technically raping them.

Peter Butler: I'm on AQ because I don't have time for dating. I'm a stockbroker.
Detective Elliot Stabler: You really do enjoy screwing people.

Dr. Melinda Warner: [to Olivia and Elliot] Even if we get the records, a lot of HlV testing is anonymous, so there are no names, only numbers.
Detective Elliot Stabler: But at least we'll get an idea of how many women he might have given a death sentence to.
Detective Olivia Benson: Melinda, you said it yourself. This guy could be a walking epidemic.
Dr. Melinda Warner: To do this properly, I'll have to screen thousands of HlV samples.
[Elliot and Olivia give her a look]
Dr. Melinda Warner: Have Cabot get a court order for the names of potential infected partners.
Detective Olivia Benson: I know where to start.
Dr. Melinda Warner: There's still a stigma attached to HlV. A lot of people won't talk about it.
Detective Olivia Benson: I'll bring reinforcements.

Detective Elliot Stabler: Well, bright side, we may not need a trial. A mob of angry one-night stands will probably kill Butler before we can convict him

Detective Elliot Stabler: Well, the worse Butler's injuries look to the jury, the more sympathy he's going to generate.
Lionel Granger: A man is savagely maimed for life and you think I'm only concerned about how to work the angle.
Detective Olivia Benson: Well, if it quacks like a duck.

Detective Elliot Stabler: That son of a bitch. He really thinks he's got the upper hand.
Detective Olivia Benson: Well, he just might after what Rebecca did. She has made a real mess for us.
A.D.A. Alexandra Cabot: And for herself. The D.A's office wants me to charge her with First Degree Assault.
Detective Olivia Benson: Alex, the only reason she was in that courtroom is because you and l begged her to press charges against Peter.
Detective Elliot Stabler: It's not like you forced her to throw acid in his face.
A.D.A. Alexandra Cabot: Now I have to prosecute my own complaining witness. When that's done, I go back to Butler's case. Look how impartial the D.A.'s office is.

Detective Olivia Benson: I can't say I'd blame the jury if they let Rebecca off.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Well, she did stop Peter from infecting other women. Not that I agree with how she did it.
A.D.A. Alexandra Cabot: But that's just it. If Rebecca goes free, it sends the message to other victims that it's okay to take the law into their own hands.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Closure: Part 2 (#2.3)" (2000)
Kenneth Cleary: [to Stabler] Let me ask you something, one hungry man to another; is there anything better than gorging on a fresh caught meal?
Detective Elliot Stabler: [grabs him by the tie] You won't be eating out anymore.

Detective Olivia Benson: [Benson and Stabler interview a newsstand owner who saw the woman who anonymously reported a rape in progress from a payphone] Could you describe her to a police sketch artist?
George: I didn't get a look at her face. I was too busy trying to get Ginger into the car.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Do you remember what she was wearing?
George: Oh, yeah. A black sweater and black slacks and thong panties.
Detective Olivia Benson: You didn't get a look at her face, but you know she was wearing thong panties?
George: I saw the panty-line. She had a nice ass which was more interesting to me then her face.
George: [Benson and Stabler both throw him a "give me a break" look] I'm an ass man! I don't apologize for it.

[after listening to the 911 call]
Detective Olivia Benson: So, maybe two witnesses.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Three, if you count the dog.

Captain Donald Cragen: You move slow. We go after Cleary off this, he'll be out the door again.
Detective Elliot Stabler: But not too slow.
Captain Donald Cragen: Move slow as fast as you can.

Captain Donald Cragen: [about Cleary] We couldn't keep him. Not our fault.
Detective Elliot Stabler: [about Cleary's latest rape victim] You want to tell her that?

Harper Anderson: Have some wine.
Detective Elliot Stabler: We're working.
Harper Anderson: 6:00 P.M. Workday's done. You can have a glass of wine.

Kenneth Cleary: Every time a woman is raped you're going to come to me?
Detective Elliot Stabler: Not every time, no.
Kenneth Cleary: [about Harper] How long do I have to bear the brunt of this woman forgetting to take her lithium? She's obviously damaged.

Detective Elliot Stabler: [through the Cleary's front door] Mrs. Cleary, Detective Stabler.
Meredith Cleary: I don't want to talk to you.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Mrs. Cleary, rape victims aren't just the women who are attacked. Rape victims include their families and the rapist's families...
Meredith Cleary: [opens the door] I am not a victim and I don't want you standing on my stoop shouting "rape" through my door.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Yes, ma'am.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Contagious (#6.11)" (2005)
[the case of a sexually abused girl is getting on Detective Stabler's nerves]
Detective Olivia Benson: You know, running away's not gonna help.
Detective Elliot Stabler: I'm a little beat for the dime store shrink routine right now.
Detective Olivia Benson: Elliot, that little girl is counting on you. You quit on her, and you're just another man she can't trust. That's not who you are.

[during a search of a suspected child molestor's house]
Julie Dobbins: My husband would die before he hurt a child. He was never alone with any of those girls, I was here...
Detective Elliot Stabler: You were right here and you didn't do a damn thing about it? It was happening right under your roof, and you're telling me what a great guy your husband is? Lady, you're as sick as he is!

Holly Purcell: [to Stabler] I don't like needles.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Here, hold on to my hand.
[Holly holds his hand]
Detective Elliot Stabler: Now, close your eyes and pretend that you're at the beach, building sand castles with your dad. Now, if it hurts, you squeeze my hand really hard, okay?
Holly Purcell: What do you do when something hurts?
Detective Elliot Stabler: I think of my kids.

Detective Olivia Benson: [about Holly's injuries] Happened two weeks ago. Holly fell on the right bike pedal, spikes caused an injury to her posterior fourchette.
Detective Elliot Stabler: We just had her poked and prodded for nothing.
Dr. Rebecca Hendrix: Maybe not. The report doesn't mention the tear to the hymen and the tear hasn't healed. It probably happened within the last week.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Can you say that for sure?
Dr. Rebecca Hendrix: No.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Well, you better be sure before we put this little girl through any more hell.

Detective Elliot Stabler: You're a busy guy, Mark. Teaching gym, coaching girls' soccer, gymnastics and you still find time to give private lessons, huh?
Mark Dobbins: Those lessons help pay my mortgage.
Detective Elliot Stabler: So seeing the little girls in leotards is just a bonus?

Detective Elliot Stabler: The mothers are full of crap. They knew Holly had been molested and they badgered their daughters into saying they were, too. I've been chasing a bunch of lies.
Dr. Rebecca Hendrix: We all have been. No one could've seen this one coming.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Try telling that to Dobbins. It's his life and reputation that have been shot to hell. He didn't do a damn thing.
Donald Cragen: Holly, Nicole and Danielle all named Dobbins. Their stories matched.
Detective Elliot Stabler: I bought into the hysteria.
Dr. Rebecca Hendrix: Hysteria's like a disease. It's contagious.

Detective Elliot Stabler: [to Kevin Wilcox] You're a child molester. You're the bottom of the food chain in prison. How long you think it's gonna take his fellow cons to find out he's a baby raper?

Mark Dobbins: [to Stabler] Chestnut Academy fired me. They said forging that letter damaged my integrity, set a bad example for the students. I'll never get another teaching job.
Julie Dobbins: We're selling the house and moving in with my parents upstate.
Detective Elliot Stabler: I'm sorry. I wish none of this had ever happened.
Mark Dobbins: Me, too.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Turmoil (#11.8)" (2009)
Dickie Stabler: Nikki Sherman? That's the sophomore at Manning Prep who said she got raped by the football player. She likes to party.
Elliot Stabler: Do you know her?
Dickie Stabler: No, but everyone says she's a lying slut.
Elliot Stabler: Hey, hey. Don't ever talk about a victim like that again, you hear me?
Dickie Stabler: Their words, Dad. Not mine.

Elliot Stabler: [to Kathy when Dickie goes missing] You're overreacting.
Kathy Stabler: I wish you would.

Mrs. Newsome: [to Stabler] This may come as a shock, but Richard's not perfect.
Elliot Stabler: His name's Dickie.
Mrs. Newsome: Which proves how well you know him. No one calls him that anymore. He hates it.

Elliot Stabler: [to the army recruiter] Sir? My kid comes in here again, you kick his ass out.
Army Recruiter: Sir, the Army has no intention of turning him down. In less than two years, you no longer have a say.

Alexandra Cabot: You have just shown me a photo that is going to make the jury think that our rape victim is a liar. What are you going to do about that?
Olivia Benson: Question Nikki about it.
Alexandra Cabot: Don't bother. I will do the interview myself.
Elliot Stabler: That's up to you. The State Bar's not breathing down my neck.
Alexandra Cabot: Because you missed the photo.
Elliot Stabler: All right.
Alexandra Cabot: I don't suppose you forgot Nikki's recant statement as well.
Elliot Stabler: No, Counselor, not a chance.
Alexandra Cabot: We are being watched. Anything you do against protocol stacks the deck.
Elliot Stabler: You don't get it. I don't care.

Elliot Stabler: [after Dickie is found assaulting a homeless man] I'm taking him home.
Olivia Benson: Elliot. Elliot, stop. Your son just assaulted a man with a 2-x-4. There's no way that he's going home. Don't make this worse than it already is.

Dickie Stabler: [to Elliot] You don't get to choose my friends or tell me what to do. I'm done listening to you.
Elliot Stabler: Have you lost your mind?
Dickie Stabler: Well, I'm not the first Stabler to do that now, am l?

Dickie Stabler: Mrs. Newsome won't even see me. Her lawyer said she doesn't even want me at Shane's funeral.
Elliot Stabler: That's my fault. I'm sorry. I can't fix it.
Dickie Stabler: I can.
[places some papers in front of Elliot]
Elliot Stabler: What's that?
Dickie Stabler: Army consent forms. Sign them and I'm out of here.
Elliot Stabler: I can't do that.
Dickie Stabler: Sign them. Make me wait until I'm 18, you'll never see me again.
[throws the pen on the paper]
Dickie Stabler: Sign them.
Elliot Stabler: Dickie, you can hate me all you want.
[grabs and hugs Dickie]
Elliot Stabler: I'm not signing. I'm not... I'm not signing them. You're my son. You're my son.
[Elliot continues to hold Dickie as he cries]


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Web (#7.21)" (2006)
[last lines]
Detective Elliot Stabler: What're you doing here?
Detective Olivia Benson: I work here.
[sits back at her desk with a smile]

Detective Elliot Stabler: [walking in on Morales beating up Dr. Lucas, Olivia moves forward] Wait!
Detective Olivia Benson: For what, Morales to beat him to death?

Detective Elliot Stabler: Why'd you disobey the captain's order?
TARU Tech Ruben Morales: If I shut down Teddy's site, they'll go somewhere else. My sister is a single mother, she has a 12 year old son, latch key kid, goes online to make friends. Somebody suggested they meet so they could see a movie together. He showed up, the guy was a 44 year old man, took him to a hotel room and raped him. I gave him the computer.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Did they catch the guy?
TARU Tech Ruben Morales: No.

Det. Elliot Stabler: What the hell are you doing here?
Donna Geysen: Your conversational skills are what I like most about you.

Ralph Zessner: If I tell you where the nest is, will you let me go?
Detective Elliot Stabler: [yelling] Hey I'm not here to bargain with you! How about I send the transcript of your web chat to your family, your neighbors, the parents of the kids you teach, huh?

Detective Elliot Stabler: What are you playing?
Teddy Winnock: It's called a video game. You're not very smart, are you?
Detective Elliot Stabler: I have my moments.

Det. Elliot Stabler: A minor shooting kiddie porn. That's a new one.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Redemption (#3.6)" (2001)
Elliot Stabler: All it takes for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing.

Elliot Stabler: [on the scene of a particularly brutal rape/homicide, quietly] And I thought my day couldn't get any worse.

Fin Tutuola: [about Detective Hawkins] Who the hell is that?
Elliot Stabler: Wyatt Earp.

Donald Cragen: Detective Hawkins has a lot of experience with Berry. He's been temporarily reassigned here.
Elliot Stabler: Oh, so, now I need a babysitter?
Donald Cragen: This is no reflection on you.
Elliot Stabler: This isn't right, Captain.
Donald Cragen: It's how it is.
Elliot Stabler: Yeah.

Elliot Stabler: Sometimes finesse goes a long way.
Detective John 'Hawk' Hawkins: Finesse is for fairies.
Elliot Stabler: Look, I don't care how many strings you pulled to get here, but you're working my case. My case. So, from now on, we do it my way, you got that?

Detective John 'Hawk' Hawkins: [to Stabler] You wanna talk about that bug up your ass or just let it fester?
Elliot Stabler: I just don't like grandstanders.
Detective John 'Hawk' Hawkins: I thought you were gonna say grandfathers. That was a tough one to lose.
Elliot Stabler: That jury sent him home to rape that kid all over again.
Detective John 'Hawk' Hawkins: You make your case?
Elliot Stabler: I had him nailed.
Detective John 'Hawk' Hawkins: Then you did your job.
Elliot Stabler: Well, that's not good enough anymore.
Detective John 'Hawk' Hawkins: Well, it has to be because that's all there is.
Elliot Stabler: I told that little girl everything was gonna be okay.
Detective John 'Hawk' Hawkins: And I told the parents of Roger's victims he'd rot in prison.
Elliot Stabler: Well, at least you put him away for 18.
Elliot Stabler: Yeah, well, at least you gave that little girl a few days' peace. We never win this war, Elliot.
Elliot Stabler: Just so tired of losing.
Detective John 'Hawk' Hawkins: Then what're you gonna do? Huh? Quit?
Elliot Stabler: I don't know.
Detective John 'Hawk' Hawkins: All that's required for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing.

Detective John 'Hawk' Hawkins: I took 18 years from an innocent man. God knows how many women died because of it. You can't make something like that right.
Elliot Stabler: Okay, so, what are you gonna do? Quit? You wanna drink yourself to death? I can't stop you, but what are you gonna tell the parents of those girls? You made a promise to them. If you're the man that I think you are, you'll keep it.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Smut (#10.10)" (2008)
Elliot Stabler: [about the diamonds discovered in Eric Lutz's apartment] Looks like the stuff at the bottom of my son's fish bowl.
Olivia Benson: Okay, if those were keeping Dickie's fish company, all three of us could retire.

Elliot Stabler: [to Eric Lutz] How did you find Kelly?
Eric Lutz: You said she was attacked near my house. I just checked the closest hospital: Mercy.
Elliot Stabler: Yeah, but, you know, she was just a one-night stand. Why bother?
Eric Lutz: I already told you, I just wanted to make sure that she was okay.
Elliot Stabler: You know, someone might think that you just wanted to see how much she remembered.
Eric Lutz: Yeah, of course. I wanted her to remember that I didn't rape her, then I'd be off the hook.
Odafin Tutuola: [as he walks in the room] Keep wiggling. CSU just called from his crib.
Eric Lutz: I didn't give you permission to search my house.
Elliot Stabler: We got a warrant.
Odafin Tutuola: Yeah, and we found blood on your sheets. Same type as Kelly's. Explain that, player.
Eric Lutz: Guys, come on. It was her time of the month. It's not exactly a deal-breaker for me.

Dr. Melinda Warner: Rape kit confirms your victim was menstruating.
Elliot Stabler: Son of a bitch has an answer for everything.

Elliot Stabler: [to Olivia about Laurel Andrews] Why did you do that?
Olivia Benson: She's the same happy wife and mother she was before August 19th. It was like she was never raped.
Elliot Stabler: But she was. We have it on tape.
Olivia Benson: Right now, that woman is not a victim. If we play her that tape, we're making her one.
Elliot Stabler: If we pretend that woman wasn't attacked, then Lutz gets away with it and when he rapes his next victim, that will be on us.

Olivia Benson: [after Elliot shows Laurel Andrews a video of her being sexually assaulted] What the hell were you thinking?
Elliot Stabler: I was thinking about getting a serial rapist off the streets.
Olivia Benson: I want to catch the guy as much as you do, but what about Laurel Andrews?
Elliot Stabler: How many times have you said, "Confronting the attacker is the only way to move on"?
Olivia Benson: Laurel doesn't have to move on. In her mind, she wasn't even raped.
Elliot Stabler: Lutz will learn from his mistakes. He'll improve his MO. Then we'll never get him. You can't change what happened to Laurel.
Olivia Benson: I can protect her from the damage.
Elliot Stabler: No, you can't. You should know that better than anyone.

Elliot Stabler: Women making porn? That's like the whore on the corner working her way up to pimp. Doesn't make it right.
Odafin Tutuola: Lighten up, choirboy. You don't have to be a perv to like porn.
Olivia Benson: Oh, yeah? Then how come people don't put V for "vagina" next to "Vertigo" on their bookshelves?
Odafin Tutuola: Because they're afraid of being judged by prudes like you.

Laurel Andrews: Detective Benson?
[slaps Olivia across the face]
Laurel Andrews: You're going to make me go through this again?
[Elliot gets up to intervene, but Olivia stops him]
Olivia Benson: It was my duty to turn those photos over.
Laurel Andrews: I thought your duty was to protect victims like me.
Olivia Benson: Believe me, Laurel, the last thing that I want to do is to hurt your case.
Laurel Andrews: You made me remember, relive that awful night! And now for the rest of my life, I will never get those horrible images out of my head.
Olivia Benson: I'm sorry...
Laurel Andrews: And I won't testify again.
[storms away]
Elliot Stabler: [to Olivia] You okay?
Olivia Benson: No.
[walks away]


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Outcry (#6.5)" (2004)
Elliot Stabler: Ya know Tandi's face was on the TV and newspaper all weekend long. How come you didn't report seeing her?
Lawrence Ulman: I guess I just didn't put two and two together.
Elliot Stabler: Yeah, I could see where that would be a problem for you.

Detective Olivia Benson: Tandi is too young and too traumatized to think for herself right now.
Elliot Stabler: So you're thinking for her, is that it?
Detective Olivia Benson: What else could I do?
[Elliot says nothing]

Elliot Stabler: [to Olivia] Social Services Law? What was that crap?
Detective Olivia Benson: If Tandi goes home, we lose our evidence. Bastard gets away with it and he rapes another kid.
Elliot Stabler: Liv, you crossed the line.
Elliot Stabler: That girl is too young and too scared to think for herself.
Elliot Stabler: So you're gonna think for her now, huh?
Detective Olivia Benson: What else could I do?

Elliot Stabler: [to Jamie Barrigan about the press hounding Tandi] The poor kid has been through enough already. Why do you have to make her life more miserable?
Jamie Barrigan: Because she's news.
Elliot Stabler: Tens of thousands go missing every year. What makes Tandi big news?
Jamie Barrigan: Same reason Chandra Levy and Elizabeth Smart were big news. They're young, cute and white.
Elliot Stabler: Whatever it takes to sell your paper.

Detective Olivia Benson: Elliot, don't beat yourself up over this.
Elliot Stabler: The bastards put that kid in a coma, they out Tandi as a rape victim, I helped them do it.
Detective Olivia Benson: The press says that Tandi's a public figure. That makes her fair game. There's nothing that you can do about it.
Elliot Stabler: Oh, yeah?

Donald Cragen: Tandi McCain was always news, Elliot.
Elliot Stabler: Well, I made her bigger news the second I talked to that journalist. We're trying to catch the bad guys, they're trying to make headlines.

Detective Olivia Benson: [after hearing Tandi has been arrested for filing a false police report] You arrested a rape victim?
Donald Cragen: She said she wasn't raped. Tandi McCain has done nothing but lie and she nearly got an innocent kid killed in the process. We have to send a message.
Detective Olivia Benson: What, by dragging a teenager out of her home?
Elliot Stabler: Look, Liv, every false allegation of rape just makes it harder for the real victims to be believed.
Detective Olivia Benson: Look, the girl obviously didn't know what she was doing.
Donald Cragen: She seemed clear enough when she recanted on national TV.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Merchandise (#12.4)" (2010)
Dr. Melinda Warner: Fractures of the zygomatic socket, scapula, radius and ulna.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Well it makes sense. We've got witnesses who saw our Jane Doe get hit by a cab, running out of the Farmers Market.
Detective Olivia Benson: So why'd you call us in for a traffic fatality?
Dr. Melinda Warner: Because I know how to do my job - I was shot in the lung, not the head.

Detective Elliot Stabler: How'd Huang take the bad news?
Detective Odafin Tutuola: If I were you, I'd keep my distance. I didn't know he used that kind of language.

Captain Donald Cragen: [about the father] Well, the only thing he's guilty of is poor judgment. A lot of kids get jobs, Elliot.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Well, whatever happened to a childhood?
Captain Donald Cragen: The work was legal, cut him loose.
Detective Olivia Benson: Should I call Child Services to have them pick up the daughters?
Captain Donald Cragen: They're not abused, they're clean and well-fed.
Detective Elliot Stabler: And homeless.
Captain Donald Cragen: Which isn't a criminal act, and I'm not separating this family for anything less.

Detective Elliot Stabler: No lights, no sirens, if we spook them, they'll put those kids down.

Detective Odafin Tutuola: [Fin walks into the precinct to see water dripping everywhere] What the hell happened?
Detective Elliot Stabler: [Grabbing evidence boxes] The pipes. They finally burst.
Captain Donald Cragen: We've also got foundation problems. We're moving to the Command Center outside.
Detective Olivia Benson: Until when?
Captain Donald Cragen: Well, they said a week, but I don't believe them.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Why not?
Captain Donald Cragen: [walking outside of the building with an evidence box in hand as Benson and Stabler follow him] The construction company owner who rehabbed the precincts last year just got indicted.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Fraud?
Captain Donald Cragen: Concrete testing was faked. We may have to underpin the foundation.
Detective Olivia Benson: We can't work out of a trailer for that long
Captain Donald Cragen: We'll figure something out.

Detective Odafin Tutuola: [Fin walks up to Cragen, who is staring down the construction workers, who don't appear to be fixing the precinct] Giving them the hairy eyeball isn't gonna make them move, Captain. They're union.
Captain Donald Cragen: They're wasting time.
Detective Elliot Stabler: So are we if we can't get Micah to talk.
Captain Donald Cragen: Did the D.A. decline to prosecute?
Detective Olivia Benson: He doesn't want to charge an underage abuse victim for murder as an adult.
Detective Odafin Tutuola: The kid's looking at juvenile lock-up or the psych ward.
Detective Olivia Benson: Either way, Goldberg isn't going to let him anywhere near us.
Captain Donald Cragen: Unless we give him something he needs.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Like?
Captain Donald Cragen: Psychiatric evaluation of his intent when he chased his sister down.
Detective Elliot Stabler: The juvenile court's an automatic bench trial. The judge will probably cut Micah loose if we can get a shrink to say he didn't mean to kill his sister.
Captain Donald Cragen: I'll call Dr. Huang and set it up.

Detective Olivia Benson: [Benson and Stabler enter to find the precinct leaking everywhere] Is our house falling apart?
Captain Donald Cragen: Old pipes. City won't spring for new ones.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Fix one leak, two more crop up and we're stuck in the mess.
Captain Donald Cragen: Just like the one you made when you questioned Warner's ruling.
Detective Olivia Benson: She called you?
Captain Donald Cragen: You want to tell me why you're challenging the M.E.?
Detective Elliot Stabler: Sure. Can't make a murder charge stick when the abuse didn't actually kill Jane Doe. The cab did.
Detective Olivia Benson: The best we could do is attempted murder.
Captain Donald Cragen: Fin's got surveillance up on the flat screen. Now, I suggest you find the bastard who starved her first and let the D.A. worry about what charges to file.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Wanderlust (#1.5)" (1999)
Detective Elliot Stabler: [kissing his kids] Love you...
Maureen Stabler: Dad, not on the lips.
[walks away]
Detective Elliot Stabler: When did that happen?
Kathy Stabler: When you were at work.

Detective Elliot Stabler: Has Maureen had sex yet, do you know?
Kathy Stabler: God I hope not.
Detective Elliot Stabler: I wonder *how* we'll know.
Kathy Stabler: *If* we'll know.

Detective Elliot Stabler: Virginia, Detectives Munch and Cassidy will escort you home.
Virginia Hayes: Can I drive?
Det. John Munch: Well seeing as how you're about as old as my partner, I don't see why not.
Detective Brian Cassidy: Huh?

Detective Elliot Stabler: [about Virginia] She's just like Maureen. Drama's a major food group for teenage girls.

Tom Dayton: I didn't touch Virginia and I didn't kill Schiller!
Detective Elliot Stabler: Well, you lied to Annabel Hayes!
Tom Dayton: I'm a different person now!
Detective Elliot Stabler: Who still gets jealous of the affections of a little girl. I'm surprised you didn't ask Annabel to marry you! Then Virginia would be Daddy's little girl!
Detective Olivia Benson: Elliot!

Detective Olivia Benson: [to Elliot] Sometimes enough is enough.
Detective Elliot Stabler: No, it's not. It never is.

Det. Monique Jefferies: [about Virginia] Hey, Munch, she's a child.
Det. John Munch: The appeal goes beyond a midlife crisis. The way a top shows off a flat stomach...
Detective Elliot Stabler: The mature discussions you can have about the Backstreet Boys.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Delinquent (#12.23)" (2011)
Detective Elliot Stabler: I don't touch children. I protect them.

Detective Elliot Stabler: [to Hunter as he walks him to a holding cell] You're staying in here till your mom shows up.
Hunter Mazelon: Screw you. I'm claustrophobic.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Then why were you hiding in a woman's closet?

Detective Elliot Stabler: [to Mrs. Mazelon] Are you in the habit of smacking your child around?
Hunter Mazelon: No. Her weapon of choice is a verbal tongue lashing.

Olivia Benson: [When Elliot is accused by Hunter of molestation] This is obviously gonna work out. You're innocent.
Detective Elliot Stabler: That doesn't matter. As soon as you're smeared with something like that, the stink doesn't go away.

Detective Elliot Stabler: [to Hunter] So how'd your twisted little fairy tale play with I.A.B.?
Bree Mazelon: Stay away from my son, you pervert!
Detective Elliot Stabler: You know he made it up.
Hunter Mazelon: You know, I saw your file on Lieutenant Tucker's desk. It was pretty thick. How many other guys have you been a little too friendly with?
Detective Elliot Stabler: [to Mrs. Mazelon] Has your son ever been taught his actions have consequences?
Bree Mazelon: Hunter, let's go.
Hunter Mazelon: No, why don't we stay here and listen to some more parenting advice from a child molester.
Detective Elliot Stabler: [to Mrs. Mazelon] You let him lie and charm his way out of trouble. You're not doing him any favors.

Ed Tucker: [to Stabler about Hunter] You shoved him against a wall, making mention of a cavity search.
Detective Elliot Stabler: No, that was his lame joke.
Ed Tucker: You came up behind him.
Detective Elliot Stabler: To uncuff him.
Ed Tucker: You slid your hands between his legs.
Detective Elliot Stabler: You've been watching too much porn.
Ed Tucker: Hunter cried out for help. He asked you to stop, saying stop touching his junk.
Detective Elliot Stabler: He was setting me up!
Ed Tucker: Then why didn't you report him first?
Detective Elliot Stabler: Because it was an asinine prank by a 14-year-old punk that only a moron with an axe to grind would ever believe.

Detective Elliot Stabler: [to Hunter after he was holding a knife] When an officer tells you to drop a weapon, do it.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Juvenile (#4.9)" (2002)
Elliot Stabler: We know about your club, Miss Kerber.
Cindy Kerber: Then I assume you found what we were growing.
Elliot Stabler: Pretty tough to miss. You guys have very green thumbs.

Elliot Stabler: [to Cindy Kerber] This woman was raped. She was stabbed. You don't want to help us in our investigation? That is very strange to me.

Elliot Stabler: This membership list is getting smaller. Half these people are either dead or too weak to get out of bed.

Elliot Stabler: [to Dr. Warner] An M.E. out of the morgue? Must be big.
Dr. Melinda Warner: Captain Cragen told me you were here. Lab finished analyzing the vomit from the crime scene.
Olivia Benson: Hey, am I gonna want to stop eating before I hear this?
Dr. Melinda Warner: Pieces of roast beef, a little mozzarella cheese, kernels of corn and raisins. Luckily, they hadn't been in the stomach very long, so everything was only partially digested.
Olivia Benson: Yeah, I'm done.
[pushes her plate away and Stabler starts eating from it]

Olivia Benson: Jeremy, we picked up your friend Zachary at school today.
Jeremy Brice: Zach's here?
Olivia Benson: He's right in the next room, speaking to one of our detectives. What do you think he's going to say?
Jeremy Brice: Nothing.
Elliot Stabler: I think he might. Look, I know you don't want to get him in trouble, but you've got to tell us what happened. Even if it's something that's really, really bad, you've got to tell us.
Jeremy Brice: Zach's my best friend. You can't make me say he did something bad. He didn't do anything.

Olivia Benson: [to Jeremy Brice] Was it your idea to break into that woman's apartment?
[Jeremy nods his head]
Olivia Benson: Jeremy, why would you do that?
Jeremy Brice: Zach thought it was cool.
Elliot Stabler: Was it cool when you took the telephone and bashed her head in?
Jeremy Brice: I didn't do that. Zach did.
Elliot Stabler: Do I listen to his story or yours?
Jeremy Brice: She fell down. She was bleeding. Zach said to get a knife from the kitchen. I didn't want to, but he was screaming at me. I didn't know what he was going to do with it, I swear.
Olivia Benson: So you got the knife and then what happened?
Jeremy Brice: When I walked back in, Zach was on top of her. He took the knife and he stabbed her over and over. There was all this blood and I threw up! I'm sorry.
[sobbing]
Jeremy Brice: I'm really, really sorry! I'm sorry.
Olivia Benson: Jeremy, who covered her up with the blanket?
Jeremy Brice: I did. You shouldn't leave someone like that. Can I go home now? I just want to go home. I want to go home.

Elliot Stabler: Okay, I got to tell you that I believe Jeremy's version of the events. You know, this kid is more of a danger to himself than anybody else.
[to Dr. Huang]
Elliot Stabler: Doc, you saw both interviews. What do you think?
Dr. George Huang: I agree with you. Jeremy is more easily manipulated. He's desperate to fit in at any cost whereas Zachary is far more calculating. I think he wields a great deal of control over Jeremy and I think he murdered and raped Susan Oestreicher.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Futility (#4.22)" (2003)
Michael Gardner: Why are you harrassing me? I didn't do anything.
Elliot Stabler: Violating an order of protection you moron! You just bought yourself a cell in Rikers.

Alex Cabot: [after Carrie tells Olivia that Gardner followed her into a coffee shop] It's not enough.
Det. Olivia Benson: Hold on, Alex. You think this is a coincidence?
Alex Cabot: Probably not, but a judge won't call it a violation. She entered the establishment, so in essence she followed him.
Elliot Stabler: Gardner's got to know where Carrie lives. He attacked her right in front of her own building. If he's stalking her, he's got to know where she gets her coffee.
Alex Cabot: His lawyer will argue that they live in the same neighborhood. It's not implausible they would frequent the same places.
Det. Olivia Benson: Orders of protection are real helpful when you can't enforce them.

Det. Olivia Benson: [When Olivia stops by Elliot's house] Where is everybody?
Elliot Stabler: Kathy took the kids to "La Boheme." Pass.
Det. Olivia Benson: So on your one night as a bachelor, you go to the grocery store? That's pretty pathetic.
Elliot Stabler: Grocery store with strippers.

Det. Olivia Benson: I made Carrie relive the worst thing that's ever happened to her. I screwed any number of victims who might have sought counseling from Bethany Taylor. And a few less rapes may be reported because of it.
Elliot Stabler: And if Michael Gardner is convicted, he'll never rape another woman.
Det. Olivia Benson: It's not worth it. It's not worth the cost.
Elliot Stabler: To you or them?
Det. Olivia Benson: I'm not talking about me.
Elliot Stabler: Yeah, you are. For as long as I have known you, you've always identified with the victims. Now, maybe that's because you're a woman. I don't know. I do know it's one of the things that makes you a great cop. It's also one of the things that makes this job torture sometimes. You can never go back and change things that have already happened, Olivia. You can't. You kill yourself to make something happen or you do nothing.

Elliot Stabler: Olivia, no one's making you do this. The difference between you and all the victims is you can walk away.

John Munch: [after it's revealed that Michael Gardner is nowhere to be found] Locals are putting Gardner's mug shot on the 11:00 news. It'll be in the papers in the morning.
Dr. George Huang: But there's still a possibility that he's staying in town despite the danger. He's already shown a propensity for stalking which means that any number of people could be a target.
Donald Cragen: That's why I want warnings out to the judge, the D.A's, every witness, victim, juror. Anybody who set foot in that courtroom that he could see as an enemy.
Elliot Stabler: [answers the phone] Stabler.
Donald Cragen: That includes you, Olivia. This guy's got a hard-on for you.
Det. Olivia Benson: Good. I hope he tries something.
Elliot Stabler: He did try something. Another attack.

Elliot Stabler: [to Erin Russ about Michael Gardner] Still think your client's an innocent man?
Det. Olivia Benson: This is no longer a case of mistaken identities or false line-ups. This man is guilty of rape and murder.
Erin Russ: If I knew where he was I'd tell you.
Elliot Stabler: People are in imminent danger here.
Erin Russ: I told you, I don't know where he is. If I hear from him, you're the first call I'll make.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Serendipity (#5.5)" (2003)
Dr. Archibald Newlands: I'm not a pedophile.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Yeah, you are. You're just a well-read one.

Dr. Melinda Warner: [during Brianna Lewis's autopsy] She was injected with Versed, a powerful sedative that paralyzes.
Detective Olivia Benson: But doesn't knock you out. Brianna would've felt everything going on, but couldn't move to resist.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Wait a minute. How can you go into labor if you're paralyzed?
Dr. Melinda Warner: Pitocin causes the cervix to dilate.
Detective Olivia Benson: Which pregnant women produce naturally.
Dr. Melinda Warner: But I found evidence of a synthetic form in the anal cavity. I'd say your perp incapacitated her with the Versed and then gave her a Pitocin suppository to induce labor...
Detective Elliot Stabler: And then ripped the baby right out of her.

Detective Olivia Benson: [to Casey] Who the hell are you?
Detective Elliot Stabler: That's our new ADA. Casey Novak, Olivia Benson. Olivia, this is Casey Novak.
A.D.A. Casey Novak: Do I know you?
Detective Elliot Stabler: Yeah, shortstop, cop's team. Come here.
A.D.A. Casey Novak: Oh, right. Didn't recognize you when you weren't covered in my dust.

Detective Elliot Stabler: [to Casey after she halts the interrogation of Dr. Newlands] Where's Cragen?
A.D.A. Casey Novak: I don't know.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Then you don't interrupt me when I'm in there with a perp. You stand here, watch through this one-way and see where we are.

Detective Elliot Stabler: ADA Novak, Trevor Langan.
[to Langan]
Detective Elliot Stabler: I assume you're here to protect your pedophile?
Trevor Langan: Alleged pedophile. And Casey and I go way back.
A.D.A. Casey Novak: To Wall Street. Most of his clients just screw employees out of pension plans.

Detective Olivia Benson: [When Elliot and Olivia speak to a young girl who was sexually assaulted] Molly, we found the man that did it.
Molly Stratton: Good. I hope they kill him in jail.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Actually, he's not in jail yet.
Molly Stratton: Why not?
Detective Elliot Stabler: The law lets us pursue someone for only so long and we caught this guy a little too late.
Molly Stratton: You guys suck.
[walks off]
Detective Olivia Benson: I hate to do this to her.
Detective Elliot Stabler: It's for her.

Dr. Melinda Warner: [When it's discovered during Dr. Newlands' autopsy that he put a tube of blood in his arm]
[about how Dr. Newlands put the tube in his arm]
Dr. Melinda Warner: He could have given himself a local, inserted the tube and stitched himself back up.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Why would he do that?
Dr. George Huang: To beat a paternity test.
Detective Olivia Benson: Son of a bitch. Newlands was the father of Brianna's baby. He put somebody else's blood in that tube.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Hold on a minute, hold on. You have professional people taking blood out of his arm. Wouldn't they notice that?
Dr. Melinda Warner: You only have to roll your sleeve up to the elbow. The scar would've been hidden.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Thought I'd seen everything.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Hooked (#6.15)" (2005)
Elliot Stabler: [about the victim] She's 15 years old. What kind of parents let their kid go out clubbing on a school night?

Elliot Stabler: How many teenage girls do you know who are too busy to have boyfriends?
Olivia Benson: None.

Elliot Stabler: [to Angela about her revealing outfit] You dress up like that to do your homework?
Angela Agnelli: Everyone dresses like this.

Olivia Benson: You know, when we were kids, our parents told us that we were too young to date just one person.
Elliot Stabler: Now you pray your kids only date one person.

Kathleen Stabler: [When Elliot shows up at Kathleen's school] Dad, what are you doing here?
Elliot Stabler: I need to talk with you.
Kathleen Stabler: You and Mom are getting a divorce?
Elliot Stabler: No, no. I wouldn't tell you this way anyway.

Elliot Stabler: [after Mr. Downey attacks Dr. Tanner] What is it? You want to go to jail, too?
Mr. Downey: I want to find the guy who killed my little girl!
Elliot Stabler: That is my job and you're going to let us do it! The next time, I'm going to lock you up!
Mr. Downey: Lisa's gone, my wife's gone. What difference does it make what happens to me?
Elliot Stabler: I have seen a lot of good people who have lost everything. Thought they had nothing left to live for after a loved one's murder, but you got to keep going. Think about Lisa, your wife. Would they want to see you sitting in prison? You can get through this.

Elliot Stabler: [about Lisa Downey] How did this happen? Six months ago she was just another 15-year-old.
Olivia Benson: Till she started hooking up with half of Queens. After that, it's no big deal to have sex for designer clothes or prostitute yourself in a hotel.
Donald Cragen: And she ends up as Trudi Strutz, porn star.
Elliot Stabler: She ends up dead on a roof.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Unorthodox (#9.13)" (2008)
Rachel Zelinsky: [about her ex-husband] But he's not the man I married. He got mixed up in some crazy stuff.
Elliot Stabler: Drugs?
Rachel Zelinsky: Religion

Rabbi Iscowitz: [about David Zelinsky] I have the boy's best interests at heart.
Elliot Stabler: Was it just his heart you had an interest in?

Elliot Stabler: Parents are supposed to love their children. They supposed to protect them. Jack's father threw him to the wolves.
Casey Novak: So he has a crap father. Lots of children do, but they don't become rapists.

Elliot Stabler: You got girls wearing Hustler tank tops to school. Paris Hilton's exploits are leading on the nightly news. Jenna Jameson is at the local bookstore telling you how to make love like a porn star.

John Munch: Maybe the Hasidim are on to something, unplugging their kids from modern life.
Elliot Stabler: You can't shut out the world, John.
Elliot Stabler: These days may not be such a bad idea.

David Zelinsky: [after Jack Tremblay is found not guilty to reason of mental defect or illness] Why didn't they believe me?
Elliot Stabler: David, they did. It's just they believed Jack too.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Coerced (#5.6)" (2003)
Elliot Stabler: [about Kevin Walker] The guy is hopeless.
Dr. George Huang: He's a paranoid schizophrenic and these cacistis are his delusion. You're not gonna get anything more out of him.
Elliot Stabler: Well, he's got a 5-year-old kid stashed out there somewhere.
Dr. George Huang: And he's decompensating. Any more stress, he'll go into a psychotic break and he'll never talk. He needs medication.
Elliot Stabler: You've got a medical bag. You got anything in there to make him lucid enough to talk?
Dr. George Huang: Yes, but I can't give it to him just to make him confess.
Elliot Stabler: Why not?
Dr. George Huang: Because he's not my patient. I could lose my license. We need to get him to a psych hospital for treatment.
Elliot Stabler: And lose him in the mental health system? We don't have that kind of time.
Dr. George Huang: Well, we don't have a choice. Without medication, he's never gonna be able to tell you what you need to know.
Elliot Stabler: How fast can you make it happen?
Dr. George Huang: I'll make some calls. Any luck, he'll be able to talk tomorrow morning.

Elliot Stabler: It's not coercion.
Dr. George Huang: You pushed Kevin into a psychotic rage so I would drug him and you could coerce his confession.
Elliot Stabler: I did what I had to do to save that boy.
Dr. George Huang: Great. What are you gonna do next? Bash in people's skulls to make 'em talk?
Elliot Stabler: Your way Adam wouldn't have been found until he starved to death.
Donald Cragen: All right, that's enough, both of you.
[to Huang]
Donald Cragen: Did the medication hurt Kevin?
Dr. George Huang: No.
Donald Cragen: Then what's the harm?
Dr. George Huang: Unless a court forces him to, it's Kevin's choice whether to take it. We don't have the right to make that decision for him.
Elliot Stabler: Do me a favor. Stop treating this perp like a patient.
Dr. George Huang: He became my patient the second I gave him that injection.
Elliot Stabler: Do me a favor. Start thinking about the victims here: the kid he kidnapped, the two people he stabbed. They're your victims, Doc. Not Kevin.
Dr. George Huang: You made Kevin a victim and I'm gonna testify on his behalf if this goes to trial which Kevin will win since you handed the defense its case.
Elliot Stabler: How did I do that?
Dr. George Huang: They're gonna make you say that he wasn't rational until he was medicated which means he's not responsible for his actions before then. You get it now?

Casey Novak: [to Stabler after Kevin has an outburst in court] What the hell was Kevin talking about?
Elliot Stabler: I have no idea.
Casey Novak: So it has nothing to do with whatever you got me to cover up?
Elliot Stabler: I'm not covering up anything.
Casey Novak: I put my ass on the line for you when I pled Kevin out. Now he's lucid, screaming about someone killing Martha...
Elliot Stabler: Well, I'm telling you, I don't know who this Martha is.
Casey Novak: You better find out. If there's been another murder in this case, I'm holding you responsible and your dirty little secret's going on the record.

Dr. George Huang: [to Stabler] I got a call from Novak. I told her the injection didn't harm Kevin and he's right where he belongs.
Elliot Stabler: I'm sure you didn't come all the way up here at this time of night just to tell me that.
Dr. George Huang: No. Martha Davis, age 45. Lived in the room next to Kevin at Jackson Manor.
Elliot Stabler: And I thought I was going to have to go through every obituary on the Internet. How did you find out about Jackson Manor?
Dr. George Huang: A friend at the Health Department.
Elliot Stabler: This friend of yours know how a place like that could run out of medication?
Dr. George Huang: You know, the good adult homes help schizophrenics lead productive lives, but the bad ones, the flophouses, just provide minimum care while their owners line their pockets with government money.
Elliot Stabler: So instead of drugs for their patients, they use the money to buy themselves Mercedes.

Randall Haber: [as he's being arrested] You're making a mistake. My wife is on the city council.
Elliot Stabler: Really? That's great. Tell you what? We're gonna make a phone call, see if she wants to join you when we parade your sorry ass in front of the TV cameras.

Elliot Stabler: Randall Haber, you're now under arrest for the murders of Lester Hale and Martha Davis.
Randall Haber: Murder? Martha Davis committed suicide.
Elliot Stabler: We exhumed her body. She died of severe heatstroke.
Kevin Walker: Because you told them not to turn on her air conditioning.
Randall Haber: A jury's gonna believe him? He murdered that grocer in cold blood.
Elliot Stabler: Which only happened because you withheld his medication and kicked him out on the street. That makes you responsible for Lester Hale's death.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Honor (#2.2)" (2000)
[after Fin tackles a running suspect]
Elliot Stabler: Nice Tackle.

Elliot Stabler: [to Chris Lyons] Hey, yo, homeys, you walk the walk. You got it in you to talk the talk?

Olivia Benson: [to Stabler] Can you imagine what Maureen would do if you told her she couldn't wear jeans?
Elliot Stabler: That's a place I wouldn't go.

Saleh Amir: [to Stabler and Olivia] I told you to leave us alone!
Olivia Benson: Sir, your daughter passed away and you don't even care.
Aziza Amir: Saleh?
Saleh Amir: Go now.
Elliot Stabler: Where's your son?
Saleh Amir: Get out.
Elliot Stabler: We know Nafeesa was here the night of the attack. Doorman saw her come in. Nobody saw her leave.
Olivia Benson: Because your son took her out through the garage and dumped her in the park. Were you watching when he put the knife through her heart?
Saleh Amir: She was a whore like you.
Aziza Amir: She was your daughter!

Donald Cragen: I need the five on your tête-à-tête with Saleh Amir.
Elliot Stabler: I'm cleaning it up right now.
Donald Cragen: If it's not Pig Latin, "now" means now.

John Munch: [about Jaleel Amir] When we collared him, he was sitting in first class, no cap, no beads, styling in totally westernized Internet casual.
Alexandra Cabot: His wardrobe isn't helping me. If the jury thinks Jaleel is culture-programmed to kill he gets his insanity verdict.
Donald Cragen: Well, we're out of people to say otherwise.
Elliot Stabler: His culture didn't program him to kill. His father did. Jaleel is afraid of him. Everybody is afraid of Saleh Amir.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Branded (#12.6)" (2010)
Detective Elliot Stabler: [to Bill Dixon] You were sexually assaulted. There's nothing to be embarrassed about.

Detective Elliot Stabler: [to Alexander Gammon] Go directly to jail, do not pass "Go", do not collect $200.

Olivia Benson: [after she and Elliot talk to Alexander Gammon] You believe a word of that?
Detective Elliot Stabler: Only the part about the lubricant. He's gonna wish he had some if he's attacked.

Detective Elliot Stabler: [to Hardwicke] If you don't mind me asking, is this your first job?
A.D.A. Gillian Hardwicke: No, I was in the Brooklyn blue zone when your D.A. poached me. I have to say I'm glad he did. I'm a big fan of your unit. Eh, that came out wrong.

Olivia Benson: We're all branded, I guess, By our parents, our childhoods.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Think you turned out all right.
Olivia Benson: Makes one of us.

Detective Elliot Stabler: Mr. Ramos, I'm gonna take a stab in the dark here and say you're a decent guy not like those douche bags in there.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Perverted (#11.9)" (2009)
Detective Elliot Stabler: [Cragen tells Elliot to kick in a door, which Elliot's just busted his foot doing] I tried that already, either I'm getting older or the door's getting stronger.

Detective Elliot Stabler: [looks in Olivia's fridge] You have absolutely no food in here.
Detective Olivia Benson: There's this great thing, it's called delivery.

Detective Elliot Stabler: Are you okay?
Detective Olivia Benson: Yeah... I think I'm finally getting over this flu.

[Coming up to a crime scene where a biker is tied to a tree, pants pulled down with a bloody crotch area]
Detective Elliot Stabler: Dispatcher's a comedian. He wrote this up as a sexually mutilated tree-hugger.
Dr. Melinda Warner: [Referring to victims genitals] Someone did some illegal pruning. Left the berries, chopped the branch clean off.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Perp take it as a trophy?
Dr. Melinda Warner: Thought so at first, then CSU saw a squirrel run up that tree with it.
Detective Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: I thought squirrels preferred nuts.

Detective Elliot Stabler: [Telling Benson about the victim missing genitalia] Clyde Vandyne, our dead biker with the missing kickstand.

Detective Elliot Stabler: [finds vacation brochures] You planning a tropical getaway?
Detective Olivia Benson: A girl can dream, can't she? Stop snooping.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Screwed (#8.22)" (2007)
Casey Novak: The defense will try and discredit this unit and prove incompetence. That's why I need your jackets.
Elliot Stabler: So we're on trial this time.

Elliot Stabler: I'll be so glad when this damn trial's over with. I can't think. Can't even focus on my job.
Detective John Munch: And Braden would still be on your ass, whether Fin was related to the defendant or not.
Elliot Stabler: I don't blame Fin.
Detective John Munch: Sure you do. Every day since this started. Back off, man. The guy's in hell.
Elliot Stabler: Fin didn't take the guy's confession. You did and it got thrown out.
Detective John Munch: The captain was sitting right next to me. Did you raise your concerns with him?
Detective Olivia Benson: Hey, had I been there, I would have taken his confession without a lawyer present too. What are we gonna fight about next, huh?

Kathy Stabler: [to Elliot] You said you wanted to work things out. You said that you were ready to come home
Elliot Stabler: Look, Kathy, I'm sorr...
Kathy Stabler: I don't care. Not about my pride or my ego or anything else. I need you to come home now, Elliot. Not for the kids. For me.
Elliot Stabler: What's changed?
Kathy Stabler: I'm pregnant.

Detective Olivia Benson: [to Elliot] What's going on?
Elliot Stabler: Kathy's pregnant.
Detective Olivia Benson: I didn't know you went back home.

Matthew Braden: [to Elliot] Was your daughter Kathleen arrested on a DUl charge in May, 2005?
Elliot Stabler: Yes.
Matthew Braden: Did you ask the arresting officers to lose your daughter's blood samples and paperwork?
Elliot Stabler: No.
Matthew Braden: In fact, didn't they deliver her to you and then bury the evidence? Didn't you, a police officer sworn to uphold the law, circumvent it for personal gain?
Casey Novak: Objection. Badgering.
Elliot Stabler: You can phrase it any way you want. The answer's still no.
Judge Elizabeth Donnelly: [bangs her gavel] Given this line of questioning and my personal knowledge concerning this matter, I must recuse myself.

Judge Elizabeth Donnelly: Detective Stabler was getting dangerously close to perjury. I had no choice but to recuse myself.
Matthew Braden: You knew about the DUl?
Judge Elizabeth Donnelly: I did.
Elliot Stabler: Your Honor, I did not lie. I didn't ask the cops to do anything for me.
Darius Parker: You didn't have to. Cops take care of each other.
Elliot Stabler: No one's talking to you, ki...
Darius Parker: Here is proof the NYPD is corrupt. It should go on the record.
Judge Elizabeth Donnelly: I'm in no mood to oblige you, Mr. Parker, but as a bonus, I'm gonna resurrect Kathleen Stabler's paperwork and charge her with a DUl.
[to Elliot]
Judge Elizabeth Donnelly: Get your daughter a good lawyer, Detective and hope like hell for a suspended license, a fine, and probation.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Retro (#10.5)" (2008)
Detective Elliot Stabler: Baby has severe oral candidiasis and a temp of 105. I'd say based on her size, she's about five months.
Detective Elliot Stabler: You lost me at candidiasis.
Dr. Raye Massey: It's a fungal infection commonly known as thrush.
Detective Olivia Benson: That's not an STD, Dr. Massey.
Dr. Raye Massey: Yeah, well, she wasn't sexually abused.
Detective Elliot Stabler: So why did you call us? ACS handles abandoned kids.
Dr. Raye Massey: What's happened to her is a crime. Kids only get this sick when they don't get treated.
Detective Olivia Benson: Treated for what?
Dr. Raye Massey: HIV.
Detective Elliot Stabler: She has AIDS.
Dr. Raye Massey: Advanced and her parents didn't do a damn thing about it. If that's not a crime, what is?

Donald Cragen: Ms. Greylek is doing the propagating, Counselor. Your beef is with the D. A.'s office.
Donna Emmett: No, it's with your detectives. They interrogated Dr. Hutton in his office without me present.
Detective Elliot Stabler: That was a friendly chat. When we interrogate Dr. Hutton, he'll know it.
Dr. Gideon Hutton: You're scaring my patients.
Detective Elliot Stabler: They should be scared.

Dr. Gideon Hutton: I have patients waiting.
Detective Elliot Stabler: God help them.

A.D.A. Kim Greylek: [to Stabler] Competence in this case means Tommy understands the consequences of his decision.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Well, obviously, he doesn't. So what's the next move?
A.D.A. Kim Greylek: Punt. Tommy's not charged with a crime so we don't have legal standing to challenge the restraining order.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Then get ACS to fight it.
Dr. Raye Massey: [to Stabler] Detective? Your eighth and ninth right lateral ribs are broken.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Yeah.
A.D.A. Kim Greylek: Busted ribs. This is perfect.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Excuse me?
A.D.A. Kim Greylek: We can put them to good use.

A.D.A. Kim Greylek: [about Tommy] Your Honor, we move the defendant be remanded without bail.
Donna Emmett: What?
A.D.A. Kim Greylek: He assaulted a police officer and he's a known flight risk.
Donna Emmett: This is vindictive.
A.D.A. Kim Greylek: [when Stabler approaches her] One moment, Your Honor.
Detective Elliot Stabler: What are you doing?
A.D.A. Kim Greylek: Treating Tommy like the adult he wants to be.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Look, his only crime was being born to the wrong mother. We're not sending a kid to jail.
A.D.A. Kim Greylek: You pressed the charges.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Because I wanted to force Tommy to get tested. Look, we lost. It's over.

Detective Elliot Stabler: [after Tommy gets his HIV test] You don't have to tell me.
Tommy Ross: I want to. The test came back positive. I don't want to die.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Well, you've got your whole life ahead of you.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Wildlife (#10.7)" (2008)
Detective Elliot Stabler: [sees an empty cage] So where's the tiger?
Andre Bushido: [opens his mouth revealing blood on his teeth] He's a tasty one, isn't he?
Detective Elliot Stabler: [pauses then puts a piece of the meat in his mouth] I never enjoyed tiger meat before.

Andre Bushido: [being hauled off] You're dead, Mike! I'll kill you!
Detective Elliot Stabler: Yeah yeah yeah, you already killed me once.

Gots Money: [opening the door] Yo yo yo!
Detective Elliot Stabler: [pushing past] What's Gots gots?
Detective Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: Gots trouble, warrant.

Detective Elliot Stabler: What's the matter? I'm not pretty enough to get one of your cards? Oscar Assadorian, Talent Manager. You can't spell "Assadorian" without "ass," huh?

Detective Elliot Stabler: [to Olivia] What the hell am I supposed to do? Tell the bad guys I've got to get home for diaper duty?
Detective Olivia Benson: You go undercover again and don't tell Kathy, you'll be safer here than home.

Detective Elliot Stabler: [to Tybor] You want me to call your family?
Victor Tybor: My family's gone. Lost them a long time ago. This life proved too much for them.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Mask (#12.13)" (2011)
Fritz Landry: When God makes you pregnant, stay pregnant. When God makes you barren, stay barren.
Elliot Stabler: When God gives you a uterus, maybe we'll listen to your sermon.

Elliot Stabler: [to Cap] How do you think your daughter is going to feel when she finds out you protected her attacker? She gonna wake up and say, "Thank you, Daddy?"

Elliot Stabler: [to Cap] No wonder you want sex addiction to be a disease. Lets you off the hook for being a lousy husband.

Elliot Stabler: [to Huang] So, Doc, earlier today with Jackson, you were just flattering him to get him to talk, weren't you?
Dr. George Huang: Sex addiction is real, Elliot. Cap Jackson is a pioneer.
Elliot Stabler: We always say the victims aren't to blame. Now you're telling me rapists aren't to blame either.
Dr. George Huang: Most sex addicts are not rapists, but some rapists might be sex addicts acting out on compulsions they can't control.
Elliot Stabler: Every defense attorney we face is gonna be quoting you.
Dr. George Huang: Alcoholics who drive drunk go to jail. So should sex addicts who rape.

Holly Dimeo: I was on my way to work when this freak comes out of nowhere and pushes me into the basement.
Elliot Stabler: Where do you work, Holly?
Holly Dimeo: At Double-D Light. I'm a stripper, okay?
Elliot Stabler: It doesn't matter what you do. It's not an invitation to be sexually assaulted.

Elliot Stabler: [When Courtney tries to seduce Stabler] Courtney, there's no need for this.
Courtney: You gay or something?
Elliot Stabler: Courtney, listen to me. My daughter had trouble with drugs. She was promiscuous, but she's clean. You're clean.
Courtney: You're a walking douchebag. Won't screw a perfectly good piece of tail.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Mercy (#4.14)" (2003)
Dr. Melinda Warner: [arriving at the crime scene] Please tell me this isn't what I think it is.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Afraid so.
Dr. Melinda Warner: Give me a minute.

Detective Elliot Stabler: If you don't want your baby, there are other options.
Detective Olivia Benson: Not for the girl who dumps her newborn into the river.
Dr. Melinda Warner: She's not a newborn.
Detective Olivia Benson: How do you know?
Dr. Melinda Warner: The umbilical stump's gone, she's at least a month old.

Detective Elliot Stabler: Now since when does the pediatrician write a prescription for the parent?

Roger Swanson: You ever talk to me like that again, I'm going to report you to the Police Commissioner. I play golf with him.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Does he know about your handicap?
Roger Swanson: What handicap?
Detective Elliot Stabler: The one that makes you slap your wife around. Oh good, I see I got your attention. You ever lay a hand on your wife or your daughters again, I'm gonna pay you a visit.
Roger Swanson: Is that a threat?
Detective Elliot Stabler: ...Yeah.

Detective Elliot Stabler: [to Andrea] You fed Sarah the drugs. DNA proves that little girl in the river is your daughter.
Andrea Brown: She was my baby. You could never know how hard this was. Instead of suffering, she just went peacefully to sleep.
Detective John Munch: It's still murder.

Detective John Munch: Every Jewish couple I know got tested for Tay-Sachs before they walked down the aisle. Why would an educated couple like the Browns roll the dice and take those chances?
Detective Elliot Stabler: Because they thought there was no chance they could have a Tay-Sachs baby.
Detective John Munch: If Danny wasn't born Jewish, he'd got better odds at hitting the lottery than carrying the Tay-Sachs gene.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Guilt (#3.18)" (2002)
Elliot Stabler: [as Roy Barnett is trying to leave town] Aw, he's leaving town. You know we're really gonna miss you.
Roy Barnett: Now what?
Olivia Benson: [takes a packing box from Barnett] We're helping you pack.
Elliot Stabler: You think all this stuff's gonna fit in his cell?
Olivia Benson: Probably not.

Elliot Stabler: [to Fin] Barnett's being processed. We're heading to Mulligan's to celebrate.
Detective Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: You're probably not gonna want to do that.
Olivia Benson: And why's that?
Detective Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: Dad's mad.
Captain Donald Cragen: [to Benson and Stabler] Get your asses in my office.

Elliot Stabler: [to Sam Cavanaugh] This is the worst part. Waiting. The first time that I testified in front of all those people, I was so nervous, I forgot the name of the guy I was testifying against.

A.D.A. Alexandra Cabot: [to the detectives after Mrs. Cavanaugh refuses to allow the police to search her house] Did you tell her what we were looking for?
Elliot Stabler: Well, before or after she started yelling for security?
A.D.A. Alexandra Cabot: Does it matter? Write her a note and slip it under the door. Leave a message on the answering machine.
Olivia Benson: Do you really think she cares about helping us make our case?
A.D.A. Alexandra Cabot: Make her care.

A.D.A. Alexandra Cabot: [to Stabler] I try the cases I am handed by this squad. You don't like the evidence I've got, find me some more. I can't do your job, too.
Elliot Stabler: You can't do my what?
Captain Donald Cragen: Out of line, Alex.
A.D.A. Alexandra Cabot: [to Cragen] I am not out of line and I don't work for you! You work for me at my discretion. Your sole purpose in this process is to bring me a case I can prosecute, not one I have to fix.

Elliot Stabler: [to Cragen] Captain, it was a good faith search. As far as we knew, there was a warrant.
Captain Donald Cragen: Elliot, good faith doesn't cover Cabot Iying to you.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Head (#5.25)" (2004)
Jackie Madden: Of course I bought a shirt. Gotta support my little man! HEY-YA!
Elliot Stabler: Probably appreciate it a little more if you were sober.
Jackie Madden: Screw you!

Meredith Rice: My head is splitting. I think I need a doctor.
Elliot Stabler: We've got a great company shrink you can see. You've got to be out of your mind to be running off with a 6th grader.

Elliot Stabler: [when Meredith Rice begins making out with him] That's a bad idea.
Meredith Rice: Come on. Let's get it on.
Elliot Stabler: Are you crazy? You're out of your mind!
[pushes Meredith away and she falls to the ground]
Olivia Benson: [to Stabler as she enters the interrogation room] Is there a problem here?
Elliot Stabler: No problem. I think she's going for an insanity defense.

Elliot Stabler: [to Sergeant Tucker] Sorry to interrupt your beauty sleep, but I'll be waiting for my union rep.
Ed Tucker: Smart move if you got something to hide.
Olivia Benson: He was sexually assaulted.
Ed Tucker: Oh, what a surprise. The partner's gonna back him up.
Olivia Benson: Yeah, how would you feel if a perp had your boys in a vise grip?
Ed Tucker: Cuff her, not bash her brains in.

Elliot Stabler: [after Meredith is arrested for contacting Shane when she reveals to him that she is pregnant] You didn't need to lay this on the little boy. What were you doing?
Meredith Rice: I don't know. My husband's leaving me, my stepson won't even talk to me, I've lost my home, my job and the irony is, all I've ever wanted is a baby of my own. Be careful what you wish for, huh?


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Countdown (#2.15)" (2001)
Dickie Stabler: [Getting pudding for him and Elizabeth from Munch for their birthday] It's fuzzy and black.
Detective Elliot Stabler: It *is* fuzzy and black.

Elliot Stabler: Pick up the phone.
John Munch: The wacko on line 1 or the psychotic on line 2?

[Benson and Stabler are going to a party store to try to find a suspect]
Elliot Stabler: While we're there, remind me to get party tape for the twins' birthday party. I don't want to have to use crime scene tape.

John Munch: [Fin starts to put eye drops in his eyes] Can I have some?
Fin Tutuola: No.
John Munch: Please?
Fin Tutuola: No.
John Munch: Come on!
Fin Tutuola: Can't share eye drops, that's how you get pinkeye.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Just give him the eye drops.

Detective Elliot Stabler: [snapping at each other] You always do this, Munch! You always put a lid back on an empty can.
John Munch: That's how I am.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Privilege (#4.17)" (2003)
Elliot Stabler: [about the murder victim originally mistaken for the Lamerly's maid, Anna Rivera] She was wearing stiletto heels and expensive underwear. I don't think she came up to polish the credenza.

Elliot Stabler: [to Drew about his relationship with Carmen Trancoso] You guys spent the night together a lot, right?
Drew Lamerly: Well, I told you, it was a very intense relationship.
Elliot Stabler: [shows Drew pictures of the bruises on Carmen's body] You call beating the crap out of her intense, huh? You little prick, you did this to her.
Drew Lamerly: Yes, I did do this, but she wanted me to.
Olivia Benson: No. No woman wants this.
Drew Lamerly: Carmen did! This was her thing.
Olivia Benson: So you beat and rape her because it was her thing?

Douglas Lamerly: Detectives, our attorney, Lorna Scarry.
Elliot Stabler: Funny, we just came from Carmen Trancoso's attorney.
Lorna Scarry: How is Mr. DeLisle? Hit by any ambulances lately?

Elliot Stabler: [to Jenny Rochester] Lady, we don't care who you were or who you are. Just yes or no: did Drew Lamerly rape you?
Jenny Rochester: Yes, he raped me, but if you ask me anything in front of my husband, I will deny it.

Alexandra Cabot: If Drew was a gang kid with no dad and a mother who was on crack, we wouldn't blame them for using an environment defense.
Elliot Stabler: I do blame his environment. He's a spoiled rich kid whose family helps him get away with rape and murder.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Bombshell (#12.19)" (2011)
Detective Elliot Stabler: This is my wife Olivia. I am Elliot.

Cassandra Davina: I can't believe you've arrested me, I'm a victim.
Detective Elliot Stabler: You're a con artist. Sit down.

Cassandra Davina: You know what? I knew you were smarter than all the rest.
Detective Elliot Stabler: You really can't help yourself, can you?

Detective Olivia Benson: It's still incest.
Detective Elliot Stabler: "Twincest".

Detective Olivia Benson: You sure this guy's out here? The only thing I've seen in the last half hour is a five pound rat.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Yeah, you've got it bad? I just saw a transvestite that looks like Munch.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Harm (#9.5)" (2007)
Detective Elliot Stabler: Security cameras across the globe. Munch'll never leave his house again.

Detective Chester Lake: New York cabbies come from 80 odd countries and they hang with their own. The Bangladeshis chow at Mo's on Church and you'll find the Haitians in the coffee shops on Ave. C.
Olivia Benson: And the Shiites hang in Morningside Heights.
Detective Chester Lake: Exactly.
Detective Elliot Stabler: What are you, the zagats of 24-hour diners?
Detective Chester Lake: When you don't sleep, you gotta know where to find a good poached egg at 3:00 a.m.

Casey Novak: I just think we're gonna have a tough time trying to bring Helios or Tomforde to trial.
Dr. Melinda Warner: What about Sutton?
Dr. George Huang: She didn't kill Kate or Abbas.
Dr. Melinda Warner: Might as well have.
Dr. George Huang: Melinda...
Dr. Melinda Warner: That woman's interrogation methods led to Abbas's death and God knows how many others.
Donald Cragen: We can't arrest Sutton for something that happened in Iraq.
Olivia Benson: No, but Abbas died in New York. If a reasonable doctor could have foreseen that her methods would lead to heart failure, heart attack, death...
Dr. Melinda Warner: There's a case for criminally negligent homicide.
Detective Elliot Stabler: And you really think a jury will hold Sutton responsible?
Olivia Benson: She taught a loose cannon like Tomforde how to torture a man to death. That not enough for you?
Dr. Melinda Warner: Someone should be held responsible. It's what Kate Simes would have wanted and what Haroun Abbas deserves.

Detective Elliot Stabler: Judge Preston declared a mistrial. So much for the terrible swift sword.
Olivia Benson: We've publicized the issue. Kate Simes got more ink than she ever could have imagined. She would have been pleased.
Detective Elliot Stabler: A long happy life would have pleased her too.

Detective Elliot Stabler: Sutton's no hero.
Matthew Braden: What, Detective? You don't approve? Your whole job is predicated on coercion. You're gonna tell me you never laid a hand on a prisoner?
Detective Elliot Stabler: I have. Nine times out of ten, it's counterproductive. I'm certainly not proud of it.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Fat (#7.20)" (2006)
Detective Lucius Blaine: [after having a fight with Stabler] Sorry about your shirt.
Det. Elliot Stabler: Sorry about your face.

Captain Donald Cragen: You know why I put Blaine with you?
Det. Elliot Stabler: Cause you started drinking again?

Captain Donald Cragen: [as Elliot is walking out of the interrogation room] He say anything?
Det. Elliot Stabler: Yeah, get me a soda
Captain Donald Cragen: [about the 260 pound teenager] He needs to ease up on the soda

Det. Elliot Stabler: What happened?
Detective Lucius Blaine: They took him to the hospital, had to cut off one of his feet. I guess a murder conviction doesn't mean much when you're already facing a death sentence.

Captain Donald Cragen: You're a good cop. But God knows how Olivia put up with you for so long.
Det. Elliot Stabler: [cynically] Yeah well, Olivia's a saint.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Loss (#5.4)" (2003)
Elliot Stabler: We can't always win.
Alex Cabot: But that's just it. Even when we win, we don't.

Olivia Benson: What's the story?
Dr. Melinda Warner: Hasn't been dead more than twelve hours. No stab or gunshot wounds. You can see the trauma to the left side of her face and torso. Beat her to death.
Olivia Benson: Rape kit?
Dr. Melinda Warner: Positive for fluids. She was moved post-mortem, too. Lividity looks like she died on her back, but she was on her side when they found her.
Elliot Stabler: Sounds like a dump job. Question: why here?
Olivia Benson: She's got a boyfriend in the neighborhood. He starts smacking her around, she grabs the coat and tries to leave.
Elliot Stabler: Or she's a high-priced call girl. John's got some fantasy of her showing up wearing nothing but the coat, only this time the john's a psycho.
Dr. Melinda Warner: I'm guessing whatever she was, she said something she shouldn't have.
Elliot Stabler: How do you figure that?
Dr. Melinda Warner: Guy cut out her tongue.

Elliot Stabler: TRW and Equifax both show no activity on that social prior to June 2001. No bank accounts, no student loans, no jobs. All of her credit cards were issued around the same time also.
Olivia Benson: DMV says Livia Tellez was issued a New York State driver's license same month, same year. No prior driving record in any other state.
Donald Cragen: And nobody knew anything about this girl?
John Munch: Neighbors were just passing acquaintances.
Fin Tutuola: Vital statistics doesn't have anything on her or any living relative.
Donald Cragen: We can rule out identity theft. Can't steal an identity that didn't exist until a couple of years ago.
Olivia Benson: Everything that we've found says that Livia Tellez just appeared out of nowhere.
Donald Cragen: What about witness protection?
Elliot Stabler: We checked. She's not one of theirs.
John Munch: Feel free to express your derision and ridicule, but I'm gonna say it: spook.
Fin Tutuola: I'm not ridiculing. We probably got spies from every country all over this city.
Donald Cragen: Uh, before we call in the CIA, let's see if the body can shed some light on who this girl really was.

Donald Cragen: Why is the DEA following my detectives?
D.E.A. Agent Jack Hammond: We needed to make sure that they weren't working for the people we were investigating.
Elliot Stabler: You sure now?
D.E.A. Agent Jack Hammond: If I weren't, you'd already be in federal lockup, Detective Stabler.
Tim Donovan: Officer Sandoval's prints were red-flagged in the system. When you ran them, it tipped us off.
Olivia Benson: And it never occurred to you that we ran them because we were investigating her murder?

Elliot Stabler: Did you tell Livia to do coke and screw Zapata to make your case or was that her idea?
Tim Donovan: You don't know anything about her.
Elliot Stabler: I know you were supposed to protect her and you let her die! And I know you feel so guilty that you'd rather let her killer get away with it than think about what you didn't do to help her.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Hardwired (#11.5)" (2009)
Cory Banks: Leave my mom alone!
[kicks Elliot in the crotch, Elliot doubles over]
Olivia Benson: Okay, that's it, everybody's going to the station.
[to Elliot]
Olivia Benson: You okay?
Elliot Stabler: [nods, then straightens up] Now I know why they call them special victims.

Elliot Stabler: Your son has been sexually abused.
Eva Banks: What?
Thomas Banks: By who?
Olivia Benson: His wrestling coach. He did time in a Maryland prison for child sexual abuse.
Eva Banks: Oh my God! Are you sure?
Olivia Benson: Well the doctor found evidence of long term sexual abuse, but Cory wouldn't disclose any information to Dr. Huang.

Elliot Stabler: [to Tony Accardo] Well, doctor's going to stick a swab in your penis which you'll probably like, but God help you if it comes back positive.

Alexandra Cabot: [after Eva assaults her husband during an undercover operation] You call this clown show an undercover operation? You promised me there would be no injuries.
Elliot Stabler: We've got it under control.
Alexandra Cabot: Not until you get the wild card out of here. Arrest her.
Cory Banks: [to Cabot] No, you can't take my mom!
Olivia Benson: Alex, do you understand what he has been through tonight? She just endured dinner with her son's rapist and helped us bust a pedophile ring.
Alexandra Cabot: I cannot whitewash assault with a deadly weapon when it happened on video and in front of three detectives.
Olivia Benson: Cory needs his mother tonight. Please do not do this.
Alexandra Cabot: [to Stabler] Book her.

Elliot Stabler: [to Kevin O'Donnell] You son of a bitch. I can fix you right now, so you can't love any more kids.
Kevin O'Donnell: You can't intimidate me! Someday, you and everyone else are going to have to accept people like me.
Elliot Stabler: I'll accept you when you're dead.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Paranoia (#2.14)" (2001)
Donald Cragen: Elliot, get some rest.
Elliot Stabler: A cop was just raped and nearly choked to death.
Donald Cragen: This anti-HIV medicine is still making you sick. Take some time until you're done with it.
Elliot Stabler: You think I'm not up to the job?
Donald Cragen: You saved a life, exposed yourself to HIV. You have nothing to prove.

Elliot Stabler: [When the IAB detectives come to the squad room] You find anything incriminating in my wife's photo?
Detective Olivia Benson: If you're hungry, I left a candy bar there. It's a Hershey bar on the second drawer on the left. Sorry, no cheese.

Elliot Stabler: [while on the phone trying to get the results of his HIV test] You need a medical degree to read off a piece of paper?

Officer Austin Bates: [about Sergeant Smythe] Bitch gets on the stand, the entire world finds out she's a rat. We go down for rape, her career goes down with us. You guys got it figured out, don't you? Why do you think she dropped the rape complaint? Because she's a rat without a spine.
Elliot Stabler: You rape a fellow cop. Look at you, tough guy. You're a real man, aren't you?
Officer Austin Bates: Get out of my face!
Elliot Stabler: Couldn't even face a woman when he was raping her, huh? You had to take her from behind in the dark. Yeah, make you feel like a real man, errand boy?

Elliot Stabler: Feels good to eat like a human being again.
Detective Olivia Benson: You get your test results?
Elliot Stabler: Clean bill of health. Negative for HIV, hepatitis. Salute.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Shaken (#5.10)" (2003)
[learning a suspected pedophile works at a camera film development shop]
Detective Elliot Stabler: You don't need a digital camera when you can print your own porn.

Detective Elliot Stabler: I think the D.A.'s office should fight to turn off life support.
Arthur Branch: And what makes you think Judge Preston would grant such a motion?
Detective Elliot Stabler: I read the papers. A similar request was made in California successfully when a father shook his son.
Arthur Branch: And it was unsuccessful in Florida. Parents are winning the fight to keep their comatose daughter alive despite legal precedent.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Lucy's doctor says she'll never recover.
Arthur Branch: What's this really about, Detective? You fighting for Lucy or bringing Evelyn Prichard to justice?
Detective Elliot Stabler: I don't know if she's a grieving mother who can't let go, or if she's she's just trying to beat a murder rap. What I do know is a little girl is in constant pain and there is no hope of her ever getting better.

Casey Novak: Why'd you go over my head?
Detective Elliot Stabler: I'm trying to do what's right for that child.
Casey Novak: So am I. But it's my case now, and it's my choice, not yours, okay? You should have come to me first.
Detective Elliot Stabler: I apologize. You're right. You have every right to be pissed at me. Now, you tell me, you think it's wrong to stop life support?
Casey Novak: I'm not a mother. I don't know what I'd do if she were my child.
Donald Cragen: Welcome to Special Victims. It's not always black and white.

Detective Elliot Stabler: I've worked enough battered child cases to know that giving birth doesn't make you a mother, but juries will hear whatever they need to hear.

Detective Elliot Stabler: That woman is a murderer.
Casey Novak: Not as long as Lucy is *technically* alive.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Ripped (#7.4)" (2005)
Detective Elliot Stabler: [in a therapy session after Elliot beats up a cop who was beating up his teenage son; talking about Elliot's memories of his father]
[Dr. Hendrix asks if Elliot's father ever helped him with his homework]
Detective Elliot Stabler: Once, when I was in fifth grade. I had to make this diorama. Remember those things? The model you put in shoe boxes?
Dr. Rebecca Hendrix: Sure.
Detective Elliot Stabler: It was about the Civil War. And he told me where the put the cannons, and the soldiers, the trees... Nay, forget it.
Dr. Rebecca Hendrix: Did you get a good grade?
Detective Elliot Stabler: What?
Dr. Rebecca Hendrix: Did you get a good grade?
Detective Elliot Stabler: What difference does that make?
Dr. Rebecca Hendrix: It's just a question.
Detective Elliot Stabler: I don't understand what you want from me.
Dr. Rebecca Hendrix: The truth. I want you to start talking... really talking. What grade did you get on the diorama?
Detective Elliot Stabler: An F!
Dr. Rebecca Hendrix: You failed.
Detective Elliot Stabler: I didn't hand it in.
Dr. Rebecca Hendrix: Why not?
Detective Elliot Stabler: I moved one of the trees. And my father saw it as I was leaving for school. He took it out of my hands and he threw it on the ground and he stomped on it.
Dr. Rebecca Hendrix: It must have really hurt when he did that.
Detective Elliot Stabler: He took off his belt and he beat me with it... Because I cried... and only... pan... pansies cry...
[he starts to cry]
Detective Elliot Stabler: He said I was weak, and called me a failure. He called me that a lot.
Dr. Rebecca Hendrix: What did you see in that mirror today, Elliot?
Detective Elliot Stabler: The guy my father always saw.
Dr. Rebecca Hendrix: You're not weak. You're so busy being strong, and helping everyone, you've got nothing left for yourself. It takes a lot more balls to talk about your problems, than beat the hell out of a ghost.

Dr. Rebecca Hendrix: [Elliot starts to walk out on his session] Where are you going? How many times have you thought about eating your gun?
Detective Elliot Stabler: [indignant] Suicide's a sin.

Detective Elliot Stabler: I left a message for Huang. He's gonna come in and talk to him.
Olivia Benson: Since when do we call the shrink before we make the collar?
Detective Elliot Stabler: I just think there's another explanation.
Olivia Benson: It may not be worth it to make Pamela relive what happened? Who are you kidding? You're trying to make this go away.
Detective Elliot Stabler: I've known Luke since he was a baby. Always a sweet kid.
Olivia Benson: Elliot, you haven't seen him since before he hit puberty and he's not so sweet anymore.

Donald Cragen: [to Stabler] What are you doing? You told the Sawyers that Pamela's better off not making a complaint.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Olivia tell you that?
Donald Cragen: No, Pamela's parents. This is worse than breaking the rules this time. You put the entire squad's credibility on the line.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Captain...
Donald Cragen: You did everything you could to get your ex-partner's kid a pass.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Captain...
Donald Cragen: As of right this minute, you are on vacation. Just get your ass out of my sight before I do something we both regret.

Detective Elliot Stabler: I, uh, don't like being ordered around.
Dr. Rebecca Hendrix: You don't like being ordered around? Why'd you become a cop?


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: P.C. (#11.13)" (2010)
Babs Duffy: What's your problem, Stabler?
Detective Elliot Stabler: Have you looked in the mirror lately?
Babs Duffy: You don't want me as an enemy?
Detective Elliot Stabler: Well, I'm pretty damn sure I don't want you as a friend either.
Babs Duffy: Oh, good. Because a friend would tell you, your ass is huge. I mean shouldn't you work out? Really, it's like it came down the back of your pants...
Detective Olivia Benson: [interrupts her] We're still on the case, Babs. And if we need any help, we'll be sure to call you.
[they walk away]
Babs Duffy: Alright, but how hard can it be? I mean look, I don't expect Assy McBigpants to catch anybody, but Benson, you seem pretty on the ball.

Detective Olivia Benson: Our rapist has a website?
Detective Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: Plus a bunch of songs you can download.
Detective Elliot Stabler: It's a heavy metal band.
Detective Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: Death metal, more like. Think Black Sabbath or Judas Priest, only sicker and more violent.

Trey Greenway: Wait. A vampire cannot enter a room unless he's invited.
Detective Elliot Stabler: [pushing Greenway into the interrogation room] Here's your invitation.

A.D.A. Alexandra Cabot: [Stabler had promised to get a confession from a suspect] That was quick. She didn't punch you again, did she?
Detective Elliot Stabler: Ah, you know some women just don't want to talk man to man.
Babs Duffy: [entering] Stabler!
Detective Elliot Stabler: I wish she'd refuse to talk to me.

Trey Greenway: My music is art. My life is art!
Detective Elliot Stabler: You know what? Your life is gonna be prison, and it ain't gonna be blood that you're sucking in Sing Sing.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Limitations (#1.14)" (2000)
Det. Elliot Stabler: You *prayed* with your rapist?

Police Commissioner Lyle Morris: I heard we have a guy who likes to masturbate on the Midtown bus.
Captain Donald Cragen: Yes, Detectives Stabler and Benson made an arrest yesterday.
Police Commissioner Lyle Morris: Did they?
Detective Olivia Benson: Yes.
Det. Elliot Stabler: He has multiple priors.
Police Commissioner Lyle Morris: Well, let's hope they clean the seats.

Detective Olivia Benson: He was paroled on February 10, 1996 with an injury condition. He was raped in prison.
Det. Elliot Stabler: I'll cry about that later.

Det. Elliot Stabler: Ms. Kraft! You didn't hear the rest of the ruling. It's not over.
Detective Olivia Benson: It's going to be okay.
Victoria Kraft: No, it's not!
[Looking at Cragen]
Victoria Kraft: 5 years your people were sitting on your ass, 5 years you waited for this half-cocked legal maneuver. 5 years I've waited just to hear another person in a long list of others say "Sorry Vicki, you got raped, and we're not going to do jack about it." Thank you for making this the second worst day of my life. I think we all know what the first is.

Detective Olivia Benson: This guy just stopped?
Det. Elliot Stabler: Eh, maybe he just started wearing a condom.
Detective John Munch: A very thoughtful rapist.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Slaves (#1.22)" (2000)
Donald Cragen: Okay, let me see if I got this straight. Some girl is being sexually abused by some guy, somewhere in Manhattan?
Elliot Stabler: Something like that.

Elliot Stabler: [after the Brass just issued orders for SVU to undergo psychiatric evaluations] Do you believe this?
Detective Olivia Benson: Shrinks get shrunk. Maybe we could use a little.

Mrs. Morrow: He said it was so perfect. A woman just in the States and nobody would even know she existed. He kept her chained in a closet for the first six months.
Detective Olivia Benson: Except to rape and torture her.
Mrs. Morrow: You have no idea what I went through.
Elliot Stabler: That's why you never did anything for Ilena. Because he stopped doing it to you.

Randolph Morrow: I control Ilena. She doesn't eat, sleep or urinate without my permission. I control her. I do.
Elliot Stabler: You like beating up women? Huh, tough guy? Stand up. Sit down. Stand up. Stand up. Sit down. Sit down! Now who controls who?

Dr. Audrey Jackson: [to Stabler] How do you handle it?
Elliot Stabler: I think, a lot. About the crime, the victim, the people who do this sort of thing.
Dr. Audrey Jackson: Anything else?
Elliot Stabler: How I could get away with killing 'em.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Hothouse (#10.12)" (2009)
Detective Elliot Stabler: There's rice all over the floor. Did he make you eat down here too?
Katrina Lychkoff: No, he had us kneel on it. It's not so bad at first, but then it starts to cut into your skin.
[shows her knees with old rice grain indentions]

Detective Olivia Benson: [about the murder victim] She was beaten and tortured. She still believed in God.
Detective Elliot Stabler: You'd think he could have protected her just a little bit.

Odafin Tutuola: [about Elsa's father] Lychkoff got fired by Boeing after six months, then hired by Lockheed and they dumped his ass four months later.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Sounds like our genius is one dumb son of a bitch.

Detective Elliot Stabler: [to Danny Burke] Aren't you a little old to be rebelling against your high school?
Danny Burke: Be the best. Great isn't good enough. Maximize your potential. They even feed their students a special diet to increase brain activity. Omega-3s and all that crap. That place is toxic.
Detective Olivia Benson: Is that why you dropped out a month before graduating?
Danny Burke: I couldn't take it anymore and neither could Elsa. She wanted to be a kid, not their effing robot.

Suzanne Banks: Jennifer, that's enough. I think we'd better go now.
Jennifer Banks: Don't tell me what to do! Don't! Don't tell me what to do! I'm sick and tired of everyone always telling me what to do, what to say, how to think, how to act. I just wanted to talk to her. That's all. I just wanted to talk to her and then take the next ferry back, but she screamed at me. Why was I following her? She called me a loser. She said I was pathetic and dumb, and that I was only at Morewood because my family is rich. That I'd never be able to make it on brains alone like her. She tried walking away and so I grabbed her arm and she pushed me, so I jabbed her chest with my pen! And she pushed me again...
Suzanne Banks: [in tears] Jennifer, stop!
Jennifer Banks: And so I pulled her hair and I slammed her head into the railing over and over and over again!
Detective Elliot Stabler: Did anybody see you fighting?
Jennifer Banks: Everyone was inside because it was raining. She tried screaming for help, but no one could hear her because the ferry horn started to blow. That's when she fell down and I pushed her into the river.
[to her mother]
Jennifer Banks: I'm number one now, Mom. Aren't you happy for me?


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Wrong Is Right (#2.1)" (2000)
[about the murder Stabler is investigating]
Dr. Emil Skoda: You let this one get under your skin. Why?
Detective Elliot Stabler: This one my daughter saw.

Detective Olivia Benson: [after seeing Skoda] How'd it go?
Detective Elliot Stabler: I talk too much.

Detective Elliot Stabler: What're you doing up?
Maureen Stabler: Couldn't sleep.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Have a nightmare?
Maureen Stabler: You have to sleep to have nightmares, Dad.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Of course, what was I thinking?

Detective Elliot Stabler: You think Michael liked what Andrew was doing to him?
Danny Burrell: You tell me, the guy's 6'2, benches what, 220 pounds, he could've kicked Andrew's ass if he didn't like him doing him.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Michael was only 8 when he started doing him, 8 year olds can't fight back. Now you tell me where a 16 year old's supposed to turn to when his best friend turns on him.

Detective Elliot Stabler: What is it with you kids?
Maureen Stabler: It's hard to talk to adults. You're always judging us. You expect us to be like you and you get mad if we don't. It's just easier to talk to our friends.
Detective Elliot Stabler: What if you don't have any friends?
Maureen Stabler: Everyone has friends.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Who do you talk to?
Maureen Stabler: Dad.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Do you talk to Ryan Witherspoon?
Maureen Stabler: More than you talk to Mom.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Pretend (#8.21)" (2007)
Oliver Gates: I need to report a rape.
Detective Elliot Stabler: One of your clients take advantage of you, Mr. Gates?

Detective Elliot Stabler: [to Scott Heston's friends] You boys be careful. Scotty's friendships don't end too well.

Detective Elliot Stabler: [When it's revealed that Cassandra lied about her age and identity] Well, whatever your name is. You're over 21, right?
Cassandra Sullivan: [through her wired jaw] No!
Olivia Benson: How long have you been doing this?
Detective Elliot Stabler: Why have you been doing this? I hated tenth grade.

Detective Elliot Stabler: [about Cassandra Sullivan's true identity] Denise Pickering, arrested for shoplifting in Detroit.
Casey Novak: Who's Denise Pickering?
Detective Elliot Stabler: Cassandra Sullivan. AKA Loretta Sheridan, AKA who knows who else?
Casey Novak: She was 16 at the time of her arrest? That makes her 28 now.
Olivia Benson: Gotta give her one thing. She does look good for her age.
Detective Elliot Stabler: The address listed on the report, that was her very first foster family. Child services had removed her from an abusive home.
Olivia Benson: Foster mom said that she was in bad shape when she came in, but a happy kid by the time she aged out at 18.
Casey Novak: So happy she didn't want to leave apparently. So, what, she just went from state to state sneaking back into foster care for the next 12 years?
Olivia Benson: I think so.
Casey Novak: Does she realize she could go to jail for theft over this? She's fraudulently been receiving a free education and free foster care from the state.
Detective Elliot Stabler: I think our biggest problem is we have a grown woman attending high school with a bunch of kids.
Casey Novak: Not anymore. Yank her out and notify A.C.S. to cut all services.
Olivia Benson: What is gonna happen to her? Because I think psychologically, she still is a kid. She's never taken care of herself.
Casey Novak: Well, she's pushing 30. It's time to grow up, but I'll help her find some counseling.

Olivia Benson: [When it's revealed that Cassandra Sullivan\Denise Pickering had been involved with other high school boys] Riley wasn't the love of your life. You didn't love any of them.
Cassandra Sullivan: I did. I loved them all.
Detective Elliot Stabler: So why'd you leave them?
Cassandra Sullivan: They got older. I didn't.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Scourge (#2.21)" (2001)
Detective Olivia Benson: What the hell's wrong with this guy?
Detective Elliot Stabler: He thinks he's Jack the Ripper.

Dr. George Huang: [about the killer] The publicity's just gonna excite him more.
Detective Elliot Stabler: I think he's awful excited right now without publicity.

Detective Olivia Benson: [to Stabler who's handling phone calls] How's it going?
Detective Elliot Stabler: Five hundred calls since 11:00. More sightings than Elvis.

Detective Elliot Stabler: [to Olivia] I know you're working off some nervous energy, but you don't have to read every one of them out loud.
Detective Olivia Benson: Aren't we in a mood?
Detective Elliot Stabler: You know, it's the middle of the night and I'm sitting here realizing I spend more time with you than I do with my own family.

Detective Olivia Benson: [about Daniel Varney] Paula Varney got an answer from All-Atlantic Life. They knew that he had syphilis.
Donald Cragen: Bastards never informed him.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Communicable, sexually transmitted disease. Company's required to report that to the Health Department.
Donald Cragen: And the Health Department would have notified Varney if they'd known.
Dr. George Huang: One shot of penicillin back then could have cured him.
Alexandra Cabot: And these four victims would still be alive.
Detective Olivia Benson: Yeah, if the insurance company had told them! I want their ass.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Bully (#12.18)" (2011)
Elliot Stabler: [to Annette] You're a pissy tyrant and Ellen was the perfect victim because she didn't fight back.

Elliot Stabler: Well, well, well. Looks like the church mouse finally roared.

Elliot Stabler: [to Juan Alvarez] You hounded Mrs. Gilcrest to death.
Juan Alvarez: No, I didn't. I told her if she wasn't happy, she could post negative stuff about me on the Internet.
Elliot Stabler: Come again?
Juan Alvarez: The more comments you get online, good or bad, the higher your Google ranking.
Elliot Stabler: Scaring people to death is now a marketing ploy?
Juan Alvarez: For every pissed-off customer. Ka-ching!
Elliot Stabler: You are some piece of crap, you know that?

Odafin Tutuola: [about Annette] Queen of mean's on a tear. Who's she gonna punish when she gets back to the office?
Elliot Stabler: My bet, they're gonna smile, pretend she's Mother Teresa and then duck.

Elliot Stabler: [to Annette] Bad day, Garbo?
Annette Cole: Screw you.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Parts (#6.22)" (2005)
Dr. Melinda Warner: Victim's head, right arm and left leg were found in a car.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Well dismemberment's not a sex crime.
Dr. Melinda Warner: This one might be. Found traces of semen in her throat.
Detective Odafin "Fin" Tutuola: Didn't even let her gargle.

Dr. Melinda Warner: Each joint was skillfully disarticulated by somebody who clearly knew what they were doing.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Like a butcher.
Dr. Melinda Warner: ...Or a doctor.

Detective John Munch: You're afraid of your own mortality.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Who isn't?
Detective John Munch: We're all gonna die, Elliot. The only question is when and how.

Detective Elliot Stabler: You think it should be legal to sell organs?
Dr. George Huang: Why not? You can sell blood, sperm and eggs.
Detective Odafin "Fin" Tutuola: There's usually more where those come from.
Dr. George Huang: You only need one kidney to live.

NTCC Representative: 5,000 people in America need kidney transplants. Last year there were 1,000 donors.
Detective Elliot Stabler: What about everyone who didn't get a kidney?
NTCC Representative: Some died, the lucky ones are still living on dialysis.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Birthright (#6.1)" (2004)
Elliot Stabler: [Speaking to scared little girl who has to ID a perp] I want to show you something. You see that window? It's magic. Cause anyone that's standing here, they can't see through it can they?

Captain Donald Cragen: Three thousand dollars' worth of damage to the car?
Elliot Stabler: What can I tell you? I zigged when I should've zagged.

Elliot Stabler: [summing up to Casey how it feels to be a parent] I would die for my children, and there's not a thing that would change that, ever.

Elliot Stabler: 'And Solomon said "Bring me a sword, divide the living child in two and give half to one and half to the other."'
ADA Casey Novak: But I can't split the child.
Elliot Stabler: [looks at her] Solomon didn't have to.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Closet (#9.16)" (2008)
Elliot Stabler: [to Freddie] Where were you last night?
Freddie Ramirez: Hanging with friends.
Elliot Stabler: Doing what?
Freddie Ramirez: Stuff.
Elliot Stabler: Where?
Freddie Ramirez: Around.
Elliot Stabler: Okay, hey, I want you to start answering my questions in complete sentences.

Olivia Benson: So some football player is gay. What is the big deal?
Elliot Stabler: Look, it is. You got millions of kids with these guys' posters hanging off their walls. They idolize 'em.
Olivia Benson: As long as he's sleeping with women.
Elliot Stabler: Lincoln Haver is my kid's hero.
Olivia Benson: Well, let's go pay him a visit. Maybe Linc will sign an autograph for Dickie.

Ed Tucker: [to Elliot about Olivia] Your partner has been sleeping with an editor at The Ledger for months.
Elliot Stabler: Get outta here.
Ed Tucker: Well, you obviously don't know Detective Benson as well as you think.
Elliot Stabler: I know she'd never torpedo a case.
Ed Tucker: Forgive me if I questioned your judgment, but you didn't even know she was screwing the paper boy.

Gary Lesley: [about Lincoln Haver] I worked my ass of for years; getting him promotional deals, commercials, salary increases and this freaking boyfriend wanted to take it all away.
Elliot Stabler: Love sucks.
Gary Lesley: Yeah, doesn't love...
[yells]
Gary Lesley: Screw love! He's a football player. He's a piece of meat that I sell to the highest bidder. How many good years you think he's got left? Five? What, ten? If there's a miracle. I just... why couldn't he have just waited a couple years?
[laughs as Elliot and Olivia stare at him]


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Blinded (#9.7)" (2007)
Detective Elliot Stabler: Was she raped?
Dr. Jane Larom: Yes. No fluids, but several hairs, and there's significant bruising.
[pause]
Dr. Jane Larom: She's only eleven.
Detective Olivia Benson: Don't ask why. It'll just make you crazy.

Detective Elliot Stabler: [to Novak] You know I'm gonna have a child in a month. That's scary enough. It was the thought that I was never gonna be able to see that child. That terrified me. So Picard. Bring him on.

Casey Novak: [to Stabler] In your experience as a police officer, would you say that Mr. Picard qualifies as an EDP?
Detective Elliot Stabler: Yes.
Casey Novak: Would you please tell the jury what that means?
Detective Elliot Stabler: EDP stands for "Emotionally Disturbed Person."
Casey Novak: In other words, he's crazy, right?
Judge Walter Bradley: Don't answer that, Detective.
[to Novak]
Judge Walter Bradley: He is not qualified to draw that conclusion, Counselor.

Detective Elliot Stabler: [to Novak] Hey, Casey. Casey! What was that?
Casey Novak: I don't know what you're talking about.
Detective Elliot Stabler: You know exactly what I'm talking about. You never wanted to try that guy.
Casey Novak: I tried this case to the best of my ability.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Cut the crap. You wanted Picard in the loony bin and you used me to put him there.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Hell (#10.17)" (2009)
Storekeeper: I can spot a booster from a mile away, so I threw her out before she could steal anything. I checked her panda on the way out.
Detective Elliot Stabler: You checked what, her panda?
Storekeeper: Her backpack. You know, stuffed animal, the arms go around like a strap.

[a young girl got her throat slashed, but the cold weather slowed her heart rate down]
Detective Elliot Stabler: So nearly freezing to death saved her life. That's one hell of a lucky break.

Dr. Kyle Beresford: When I asked who attacked her, she drew this.
[the doctor hands Fin a child's drawing]
Detective Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: The devil?
Detective Elliot Stabler: Welcome to hell.

Detective Elliot Stabler: You're the one that found the little girl.
Homeless Man: Well Jake and me.
[his cat]
Homeless Man: I see you found the shrine.
Detective Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: Good Samaritans don't usually build shrines.
Homeless Man: You didn't see the little girl bleeding on the street like that.
Detective Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: If you're such a good Samaritan, why didn't you stick around for the ambulance? Got a guilty conscience?
Homeless Man: No, we called it in, but Jake doesn't like crowds.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Why'd you write 'thou shall not murder'? Sounds like a confession.
Homeless Man: That came from Thomas.
Detective Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: Thomas another cat?
Homeless Man: Dylan Thomas the poet, he drank himself to death. That's not a confession, I just steal from the best.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Abuse (#2.11)" (2001)
Detective John Munch: Three more calls.
Detective Elliot Stabler: From Maureen?
Detective John Munch: Not yours.
[to Olivia]
Detective John Munch: Yours.
Detective Olivia Benson: Ashley? Is she okay?
Detective John Munch: No. She saw the latest N*SYNC video and was devastated, as was I.
[beat]
Detective John Munch: She just called to chat.

Donald Cragen: [to Elliot and Olivia] You had no business going back to that house.
Detective Elliot Stabler: We were in the neighborhood.
Detective Olivia Benson: I dragged him there.
Donald Cragen: You have no grounds for an investigation.
Detective Olivia Benson: Captain, they're covering something up.
Donald Cragen: They're celebrities. People pick through their garbage tape, their cell phone conversations, sell their intimate secrets. Covering up is second nature to these people.

Detective Olivia Benson: [about Ashley] Anyone gets close to helping her, Ricki buys a wall to block them off.
Detective Elliot Stabler: And I think we've definitely hit ours.
Detective Olivia Benson: There's gotta be something that we can do.
Detective Elliot Stabler: What? They don't abuse her, they don't criminally neglect her.
Detective Olivia Benson: They don't love her.
Detective Elliot Stabler: What? How many unloved kids you think there are in this city? It's not an SVU case anymore. You just gotta let it go.

Detective Elliot Stabler: [to Olivia] It's been about a month now, hasn't it?
Detective Olivia Benson: Since what?
Detective Elliot Stabler: Your mom.
Detective Olivia Benson: Where did that come from?
Detective Elliot Stabler: Olivia, it's me. I know the issues you had with her.
Detective Olivia Benson: No. No connection.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Successful woman, rarely home. When she was home, she was drunk. You were lonely and neglected and you never had a chance to resolve the thing before she died.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Abomination (#5.8)" (2003)
[the detectives are investigating the murder of a gay man - they have in custody a reverend who was protesting at his funeral]
Det. Elliot Stabler: [reading his file] Reverend Mitchell Shaw... you really get around. Protesting in Vermont, at the Supreme Court... cheering at the funeral of a six-year-old who died of AIDS.
Det. Olivia Benson: Maybe you should switch to a career in publicity.
Rev. Mitchell Shaw: The Lord asked me to do his work.
Det. Elliot Stabler: Did he ask you to ignore all that, uh... "Love thy neighbor" stuff?
Rev. Mitchell Shaw: "If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, "both of them have committed an abomination. "They shall surely be put to death. Their blood is upon them." Leviticus.
Det. Elliot Stabler: The Bible also says I can sell my daughters into slavery and be put to death if I work on a Sundays. 12 years of Catholic school. Anyone can memorize words, Reverend. Doesn't make 'em righteous.
Rev. Mitchell Shaw: The city is full of sodomites, and you waste your time protecting them... and yet you wonder why so many of your NYPD brothers were struck down on September 11th. Do you not see the Lord's judgment upon you?
[Elliot shoves away the table and gets right in Shaw's face]
Det. Elliot Stabler: I see a scared, shriveled-up piece of trash who uses God to justify his bigotry.

Elliot Stabler: [reading a gay victim's hate mail] "'All queers will burn in the eternal fire of hell,' so sayeth the Lord." Somehow I don't think that's a direct quote.

Det. Elliot Stabler: Go back in there and strangle the son-of-a-bitch.
Detective John Munch: I love the guy; I want to invite him to the Christmas party.

Det. Elliot Stabler: I don't know, I guess some people just choose to be gay and others choose to be straight.
Det. Olivia Benson: So you chose to be heterosexual?
Det. Elliot Stabler: Me? No.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Sophomore Jinx (#1.6)" (1999)
[the detectives are requiring a sperm sample from Couger and another young man]
Riley Couger: I can't do this.
Elliot Stabler: You have a fight with your right hand? Sure you can.

Elliot Stabler: [staring at the place where a body has been found that is covered in flowers and such] Just once, I want to see people take a little bit of a breather before they let the healing begin. Look at this. 'Enrolled in God's college now. We love you, Jeanne.'
Olivia Benson: Come on Elliot. It's a spontaneous outpouring of emotion.
Elliot Stabler: I'm just saying, If ever go down, you better make sure the place where my body is found doesn't EVER look like this or I will haunt you for the rest of your days.
Olivia Benson: Gotcha.

[Stabler catches his daughter sneaking into the house at two in the morning]
Elliot Stabler: Out, nothing, nobody. Those are your answers to me?
Maureen Stabler: Uh-huh.
Elliot Stabler: Fine. You're busted. You're grounded. Go to your room.
Maureen Stabler: Wait, for how long?
Elliot Stabler: Until I got some answers or you turn eighteen, whichever comes first.

Olivia Benson: [searching for their murder weapon] What if he pushes her down the stairs? This whole time, we've been assuming that the rock hit her.
Elliot Stabler: Maybe she hit the rock.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Alternate (#9.1)" (2007)
Det. Elliot Stabler: [pregnant Kathy carries in a laundry basket] Honey, you shouldn't be lifting heavy things. Just leave it there, I'll do it.
Kathleen Stabler: She's not supposed to be pregnant!
[to Kathy]
Kathleen Stabler: You're too old, I'm in college - people will think it's mine.

Dr. George Huang: Tell me about her alters.
Detective Olivia Benson: So far we've seen Dr. Young, a little girl, and a mean Russian.
Det. Elliot Stabler: And I bet she does a great Christopher Walken too.

Detective Olivia Benson: Tammy was just about to tell us where Burt took April when Petra showed up and bitch slapped Elliot.
Det. Elliot Stabler: Yeah, I'd like to have 5 minutes alone with Burt.

Sergeant John Munch: You can't talk to her.
Det. Elliot Stabler: John, I don't care if they crowned you Chief of D's, I'm not taking orders from you.
Sergeant John Munch: You can't talk to Froot Loops because her lawyer's in with her.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Prodigy (#3.13)" (2002)
[last lines]
Elliot Stabler: [to a rapist/cop killer] That year you're doing on your head... add 25 more and choke on it.

[after finding a dead couple in a park]
Olivia Benson: He's got a wedding ring, is this a married couple?
Elliot Stabler: Trust me, married couples don't have sex in parks.

Elliot Stabler: Tidy...
Olivia Benson: It could use a splash of color.
Elliot Stabler: [points to black, gray, white and red painting on the wall] There ya are...
Olivia Benson: Blood red wasn't what I had in mind.

Elliot Stabler: [to Henry's mother] So, *did* he wet his bed?


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Torch (#11.21)" (2010)
Detective Olivia Benson: - Or maybe Frank killed his kids, and we'll never know it unless we find a smoking gun.
Detective Elliot Stabler: What about a smoking house?
Detective Olivia Benson: We can't burn a house down.
A.D.A. Jo Marlowe: -I can.

Detective Elliot Stabler: What'd you call us down for?
A.D.A. Jo Marlowe: Well, when you got two dead little girls, the Ledger's gonna run it on the front page.
Detective Elliot Stabler: So you want answers before they hit you with the questions.
A.D.A. Jo Marlowe: Yeah. The only time I like to be surprised with my pants down is on my birthday.

Detective Elliot Stabler: [tackling an arson suspect] Where you going? You're running like your pants are on fire.
Detective Olivia Benson: [holding up a hand-held blowtorch the suspect dropped] Well, what do you know? They nearly were.

[Benson is surprised to find out Stabler's old partner is female]
Detective Elliot Stabler: What are you talking about? I've been telling you Jo Marlowe stories for years.
Detective Olivia Benson: Except the one where Jo is actually a woman.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Ridicule (#3.10)" (2001)
Donald Cragen: Any alarm bells going off on the husband?
Elliot Stabler: Several. He's hiding something.
Olivia Benson: Getting off while choking isn't something you share with friends and family. People are always shocked when they get that kind of news.

Alexandra Cabot: [about Peter Smith's rape allegation] Did the uniforms follow up on the suspect's complaint?
Olivia Benson: They asked a few questions and then they dropped it.
Elliot Stabler: Because they didn't buy it and neither do I. And more importantly, neither will a jury.
Alexandra Cabot: Well, if the attack took place, I'll make sure that they do.
Elliot Stabler: First male rape victim with female perps. That adds up to a lot of attention, doesn't it, Counselor?
Alexandra Cabot: I am not interested in that. He is the first man to come forward. The statute for Rape One was changed in January, Detective.
Elliot Stabler: What about his inability to complete the act against his will?
Olivia Benson: An erection is a physical response, Elliot.
Elliot Stabler: If he was aroused, he consented.

Olivia Benson: Pam Adler was in that bedroom.
John Munch: Which means Amelia Chase is probably the third member of this rape troika.
Elliot Stabler: I'm not so sure he's being entirely candid.
Olivia Benson: He was raped, Elliot.
Elliot Stabler: He's an actor. He's trained to make us believe.
Odafin Tutuola: Three women at the same time, most guys would call that lucky.
Olivia Benson: So we're saying that men are sex hounds and only women can feel violated? That's gender bias.

Peter Smith: Detective Stabler's been on my ass from the very beginning, looking for any reason to drop it. If I'd have told you about the suit, he would've said I just wanted money.
Elliot Stabler: Well, isn't that what this has been about all along? A payday for you? A little media attention?


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Smoked (#12.24)" (2011)
Sister Peg: Luke's been a godsend.
Elliot Stabler: He's also a rapist, Sister Peg.
Sister Peg: Accused, not convicted.
Elliot Stabler: Come on, Sister.
Sister Peg: Congress cut my funding. I have to take all the help I can get.

Customer at Luke Ronson's Salon: [after Luke Ronson is arrested] When can I reschedule?
Elliot Stabler: About 25 years.

Eddie Skinner: [to Stabler] Hey, let me ask you something, is it fun being a cop?
Elliot Stabler: Fun? I love it.
Eddie Skinner: Yeah, see, I thought so. When I was a kid, I wanted to be a cop when I grew up.
Elliot Stabler: The problem there is you gotta care about people and the only person you give a crap about is yourself.

Elliot Stabler: Not looking forward to telling Jenna that her mom's killer is in the wind. Just feels as though we keep failing her.
Olivia Benson: Look, it's not over till it's over. Besides, Eddie doesn't seem like the kind of guy who can stay underground. He needs attention, somebody to brag to.
Elliot Stabler: Well, when we find him again and I accidentally run him over?
Olivia Benson: I'll have your back.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Mean (#5.17)" (2004)
Elliot Stabler: Psychos... they always love comics.

Det. Elliot Stabler: [reading a murder victim's archived text messages] These are really deep. "Derek is sooooo ten o's, ooooo cute."

[while investigating the case of a popular teenager murdered by her three closest friends]
Elliot Stabler: I love these little cliques. They're like the Mafia - nobody knows nothin'.

Shauna Goletz: Oh, yeah, I totally know Brittany and all those girls. Everybody does.
Elliot Stabler: Has anyone had any trouble with them?
Shauna Goletz: Um, except this is, like, therapy, so I can't really break a confidence.
Elliot Stabler: Okay. So what do you think of them?
Shauna Goletz: Actually, they're really nice. I can totally see how somebody with, you know, low self-esteem would have a problem with them. I don't.
Elliot Stabler: But you know people who do?
Shauna Goletz: Well, yeah. But what I say to them is, "Hey, we're all insecure. Brittany and Paige and Andrea are just like you. It's their defense mechanism."
Elliot Stabler: Right. What's their defense mechanism?
Shauna Goletz: You know... being mean.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Appearances (#4.19)" (2003)
Detective Elliot Stabler: What do we know about these three upright citizens in Florida?
Detective Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: Well, one died in a car crash, and the parole officers for the other two say they're squeaky clean.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Squeaky clean sex offender. Yeah, that's... that's a new one.

[Analyzing Hedges' laptop and finds hidden child porn]
TARU Tech Ruben Morales: His parole officer probably missed it. They were hidden by the s-tools software.
Detective Olivia Benson: S-tools?
TARU Tech Ruben Morales: Yeah, s is short for stenography. From the Greek meaning hidden writing. Mainly used by spies to send concealed messages.
Detective Elliot Stabler: So, it just downloads child porn and disguises it with this... stegosaurus stuff.

Stanley Billings: You can't just barge in here!
Detective Elliot Stabler: Sure we can. We're arresting you.

Detective Elliot Stabler: This is so wrong. You're saying the Constitution allows someone to publish a blueprint for child rape, as long as he calls it art?


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: ...Or Just Look Like One (#1.3)" (1999)
[Elliot walks in to find Kathy and Maureen in conversation at the dinner table]
Kathy Stabler: Oh, you're home.
Maureen Stabler: You're probably on her side.
Det. Elliot Stabler: You look healthy enough to me.
[to Kathy]
Det. Elliot Stabler: Have you eaten?
Kathy Stabler: No, I was waiting until you got home.
Det. Elliot Stabler: Manicotti Night, down at Scarentino's. Bottle of chianti, our name on it. Let's get out of here.
Maureen Stabler: You can't make me eat Italian, either.
Det. Elliot Stabler: Good, you're not invited. See you.

Detective Lennie Briscoe: [handing Stabler his murder weapon] You are looking at the fruits of four hours of dumpster diving along 59th Street. Nine dumpsters in all.
Det. Elliot Stabler: You trying to tell me the two of youse went dumpster diving?
Detective Ed Green: Hell, no. We supervised a couple of uniforms. I don't do dirty diapers.

Det. Elliot Stabler: Are we boring you, Ms. Lazlo?
Nina Laszlo: A little, yes. This is a huge, huge business, Detective. The girls will do whatever it takes to get where they want to be.

Det. Elliot Stabler: [about Theresa Burgess' friend] You want to know what drugs she's taking? You want to know if she's sexually active?
Olivia Benson: This girl's gonna know 'cause girlfriends have no secrets.
Det. Elliot Stabler: Sounds like a song.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Desperate (#4.18)" (2003)
Elliot Stabler: You know, you break parole, you run from creditors, you change your name. You change your kid's name, you're hiding from something bigger.

ADA Alexandra Cabot: Dan Hoffman's attorney called. She's threatening to sue for the emotional distress of withholding information on Tommy's whereabouts.
Elliot Stabler: Distress, my ass. Hoffman didn't even file a missing persons report and he's trying to jack us up?
Olivia Benson: We only delayed notification by a couple of hours.
ADA Alexandra Cabot: That's not the point. You were playing fast and loose, and you got caught.

ADA Alexandra Cabot: [about Tommy] What about his biological mother? She has rights to talk to him.
Elliot Stabler: Kim Hoffman? Yeah, well, either she fell into a black hole or he murdered her, too. Now guess where I'm placing my money on that one?

Elliot Stabler: [to Kim Hoffman] Listen to me. Your ex-husband is about to be acquitted. If you don't help Tommy, he goes back to that house. You have to risk your pain to save his life.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Babes (#10.6)" (2008)
John Munch: [pretending to be a homeless person] They're watching us! The CIA! Brain waves!
Elliot Stabler: I've got to say, the man does crazy good.
Odafin Tutuola: Good? That's the same old crap he says every day, only louder.

Olivia Benson: [to Elliot] Babies having babies doesn't bother you?
Elliot Stabler: Babies killing babies bothers me.

Donald 'Dizzer' Zuccho: [about Fidelia] Whoever dissed that bitch into killing herself is setting me up.
Elliot Stabler: Well, don't get too torn up about that bitch. She was only going to be the mother of your child.

John Munch: Folks, what's immoral is not always what's illegal. Peggy Bernardi may be a psycho, but she only used words.
Elliot Stabler: Right. Against an impressionable, hormonally volatile teenage girl.
John Munch: So write a new law, but don't trample on the First Amendment.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Asunder (#2.7)" (2000)
Olivia Benson: Along with making the brass very happy, the guy's also a rapist.
Detective John Munch: Alleged rapist, thank you.
Olivia Benson: Ever hear of "no"?
Detective John Munch: You ever hear of contractual abandonment? The only reason to forsake all others is so you don't have to hear no.
Elliot Stabler: I've been married 16 years. I hear it all the time.
Olivia Benson: Okay, Munch, let me clue you in. A wife as property went out in 1984 when the law finally realized that even a married woman is allowed to say no.

Detective Danny Tatum: [to Stabler] Sex crimes. I hear that's a tough gig. I hear they rotate you guys out every two years. Is it really that rough?
Elliot Stabler: Well, Homicide's no picnic, either, right?

Elliot Stabler: [about Lloyd Andrews] Maybe the guy was telling me what I wanted to hear, but he seemed pretty genuine to me.
Olivia Benson: Was this before or after his goon kicked your ass?

Donald Cragen: [to Tatum] You have business here?
Detective Danny Tatum: Yeah, Captain, I do. Is my sergeant pinched?
Donald Cragen: That doesn't concern you.
Detective Danny Tatum: I don't know who you work for, but in my department, we watch out for each other. Maybe riding the desk, you forget.
Donald Cragen: Well, I enforce the law and the only thing I ride is any hump who breaks it.
Detective Danny Tatum: [sees Stabler] Feeling wood for my buddy?
Elliot Stabler: I am now, cheap shot.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Chat Room (#1.18)" (2000)
[about a stash of child pornography found on Keith's computer]
Keith: They're just pictures, man.
Detective Elliot Stabler: [slamming his fist on the table] They're not just "pictures"! They're underaged girls, terrified, drugged, and being photographed without their permission!

Detective Elliot Stabler: A guy wants to store something illegal in my garage, he's either my best friend, or I'm getting something out of it.

Detective Elliot Stabler: Sometimes I bring my work home with me. I'm trying to catch a guy who goes after young girls. You know how I lock up the doors and windows?
[Maureen nods]
Detective Elliot Stabler: Now they're coming in through here
[points to the computer]
Detective Elliot Stabler: It's about fear. It's not about trust.

Detective Elliot Stabler: Captain, you're not suggesting we lie to the poor man, are you?
Donald Cragen: Of course not. Role playing, fantasy, make believe, all that crap he's been peddling about 'victimless' crimes.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Savant (#9.4)" (2007)
Olivia Benson: [to Stabler] How's Kathy?
Elliot Stabler: Over 40 and pregnant. I just can't stop thinking about all the bad things that can happen.
Olivia Benson: So why don't you see a doctor?
Elliot Stabler: We're Catholic. Maybe it's better not to know.

Elliot Stabler: [about Ben Nicholson] So we can't touch him?
Donald Cragen: The Patriot Act trumps rape and attempted murder every time.

Elliot Stabler: [to Porter] Where's Ben Nicholson? Do you care at all or is this guy just a pawn to you?
FBI Agent Dean Porter: You're a bastard.
Elliot Stabler: Well, I get that a lot.

Elliot Stabler: [to Ben Nicholson] I thought you might like to know Alex Parven made a deal to avoid trial. Katie won't have to testify.
Ben Nicholson: That's a relief.
Elliot Stabler: I'm sure it is since Katie won't have to reveal any more secrets in open court.
Ben Nicholson: That doesn't matter. The FBI owns me now.
Elliot Stabler: Yeah, well, they cut a deal with you. Like any common thief, you testify, you don't go to prison.
Ben Nicholson: I'd already turned the guy in. I just took his money and didn't tell the Feds.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Game (#6.14)" (2005)
Elliot Stabler: Mr. Prasad! Were you screwing this woman last night?

Stuart Davis: I get requests from goofballs every day.
Elliot Stabler: You always do what goofballs ask?
Stuart Davis: If they pay well enough, yeah.

Elliot Stabler: [to Garrett Perle] You couldn't even face her, could you? You had to use a car to knock down a woman? And even then you couldn't face her. You had to sneak up behind her as she was crawling away, and then you kicked her? You're nothing but a scared little punk.

U.S. Attorney Raul Menedez: [after the detectives discover that the surveillance tape of the murder has been taken away by the U.S. Attorney's Office] You can't have it. As soon as that tape appears in discovery, the defense will want to know context, provenance, everything.
Casey Novak: It won't affect any ongoing operation.
U.S. Attorney Raul Menedez: I can't risk surveillance of a vital target in a war against terror becoming front page news.
Casey Novak: But that's more important than letting two psychopaths walk free?
U.S. Attorney Raul Menedez: Frankly, yes. If this tape's your only evidence, you should ask the NYPD to get off their asses and find you some more.
Elliot Stabler: I met your vital target. This guy's no terrorist. He's a sleazy joke.
Casey Novak: I need the tape, Raul.
U.S. Attorney Raul Menedez: I said you can't have the tape because there is no tape.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Uncivilized (#1.7)" (1999)
Elliot Stabler: You show me a first time offender, and I'll show you someone who hadn't been caught yet.

Elliot Stabler: Tell your teacher, or your mom or your dad.
Kid: What if your dad's the one hurting you?
Elliot Stabler: ...Then you tell Dickie, and he'll tell me.

Brian Cassidy: [to Stabler] I've been on this beat for 8 months.
Elliot Stabler: Right.
Brian Cassidy: And at first I was fine with it, but sometimes, I just, um, I just can't...
Elliot Stabler: Instead of seeing a woman, you see a uterus, cervix...
Brian Cassidy: Yeah.
Elliot Stabler: It's a clinical phase. It lasts a while.
Brian Cassidy: So what's the next phase?
Elliot Stabler: You don't want to know.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Zebras (#10.22)" (2009)
Detective Elliot Stabler: [hands off a mentally unstable suspect to a uniformed officer] Take Zombie Boy to the prison word at Bellevue. Do not pass go. Don't collect $200.

[a paperwork error of Stuckey's has allowed a murderer to walk free]
Detective Elliot Stabler: I'm gonna kill him.
Forensics Tech Ryan O'Halloran: I'll hide the body.

[Olivia has rescued Elliot from Stuckey]
Detective Elliot Stabler: How'd you know?
Detective Olivia Benson: Stuckey said you went out for sushi. You and raw fish?


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Pursuit (#12.17)" (2011)
Alicia Harding: [taken hostage with a knife at her throat] You've got a headshot, take it!
Elliot Stabler: Shut up!

Elliot Stabler: [on webcam with Olivia from Quantico] Fin may have your 6, but he's not me.
Odafin Tutuola: No, I'm better, unlike you I actually watch her back and not her backside.

Olivia Benson: [hugs Elliot] I'm so glad you're back.
Elliot Stabler: I should've come back sooner.
Olivia Benson: I'm fine.
Elliot Stabler: Yeah?
[pulls back]
Elliot Stabler: You look like hell.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Bedtime (#11.18)" (2010)
Rita Wills: I made love to him. But then, my friend came early.
Detective Elliot Stabler: What friend?
Detective Olivia Benson: She's talking about her period.

Detective Elliot Stabler: Liv, I found the sheets and they are definitely bloody... among other things.

Detective Elliot Stabler: We disturb Cal Cutler's eternal rest for nothing.
Dr. Melinda Warner: You didn't disturb him.
Detective Elliot Stabler: I was speaking metaphorically.
Dr. Melinda Warner: I meant it literally.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Haystack (#8.15)" (2007)
[last lines; Olivia had Warner do a kinship analysis]
Detective Elliot Stabler: Whose DNA did you have tested?
Detective Olivia Benson: [reading the test results] Mine. I have a brother.

Donald Cragen: Ms. Marino must be here for the obligatory grieving-mother footage.
Detective Elliot Stabler: There's nothing better than a parent's worst nightmare for must-see TV.

[after the suspected mother of a missing baby commits suicide]
Cindy Marino: Stabler, did Laura leave a note? A confession? Is the Kendall case closed now that the prime suspect is dead?
Detective Elliot Stabler: You are the Devil. You know that?


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Sacrifice (#3.7)" (2001)
[talking to Delia Sarton]
Detective Elliot Stabler: How'd you get home?
Delia Sarton: I took a cab.
Detective Elliot Stabler: What cab company?
Delia Sarton: ...It was yellow.

Detective Elliot Stabler: What the hell is your daughter doing on a porn set?

Jaina Jansen: You don't understand what it is like to be trapped with a sick kid, doing three guys at a time to pay off my debts. I have a $50,000 contract waiting for me in Las Vegas and Cal would've taken all of it. He was never gonna let me go.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Well, neither will Bedford Hills at least not for 15 years minimum.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Transitions (#10.14)" (2009)
Ellen Van Kuren: When Henry was 4, he walked into the living room in his cousin's tutu and announced he was a girl.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Lot of boys go through dress up phases, my oldest boy used to wear his mom's high heels.
Ellen Van Kuren: Did your son try cutting off his penis with a nail clipper and scream God made a mistake?

Detective Elliot Stabler: Where'd you get the black eye?
Ellen Van Kuren: Hailey... I caught her climbing in the window at 2 in the morning Monday night, I demanded to know where she was, we had an argument, and she punched me.
Detective Olivia Benson: Monday night was when Mark was attacked.
Ellen Van Kuren: Oh... oh my God.

Henry: What would you do? If your son came home in a dress, would you still love him?
Detective Elliot Stabler: I would try to understand. It would be hard and I'd probably make a lot of mistakes. But I'd never stop loving him.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Gone (#7.16)" (2006)
Detective Olivia Benson: Doug Waverly, Nicky Pratt, you're under arrest for the murder of Jason King.
Doug Waverly: You can't prove we murdered anyone.
Detective Elliot Stabler: You like that sea bass? You're gonna love what we just pulled out of the river.

[last lines]
Detective Olivia Benson: Doug Waverly, Nicky Pratt, you're under arrest for the murder of Jason King.
Doug Waverly: You can't prove we murdered anyone.
Detective Elliot Stabler: You like that sea bass? You're gonna love what we just pulled out of the river.

Detective Elliot Stabler: [after getting the results of the tire tracks] Roadmaster Excelsiors, Used on any one of a couple dozen compacts.
Detective Olivia Benson: It doesn't match our boys. None of their families own anything smaller than a C-Class Mercedes.
Detective Elliot Stabler: And there was no sign of a struggle in or around the house. Jason must've known whoever came to get him.
Casey Novak: It had to be Nick and Doug.
Donald Cragen: Houdini couldn't make people disappear like these guys can.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Are you saying they found out from us?
Casey Novak: Why are you hanging around here when you should be looking for Jason?
Detective Elliot Stabler: We're not hanging around, we've been busting our asses!
Casey Novak: Jason is missing, and Nick and Doug are going to walk unless you call in the troops to find him!
Donald Cragen: All right, look, we call in the troops, and everybody finds out Jason is gone. Now, you wanna think about that for a second or just keep playing you blame game?
Casey Novak: [softly] Is that was this? A game?
[Novak walks away. Stabler goes to follow but Cragen stops him]
Donald Cragen: [to Stabler] I've got her.
[Cragen follows Novak into his office]
Casey Novak: [voice breaking] I told Jason everything would be okay.
Donald Cragen: You don't know for sure that isn't.
Casey Novak: We both know something bad happened to him. He trusted me and I let him down.
Donald Cragen: Beating yourself up isn't gonna help us find him any faster.
Casey Novak: You're right. If this gets out, I won't have a case. We have to keep it quiet.
Donald Cragen: What's the next move?
Casey Novak: I have to tell the D.A.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Totem (#12.20)" (2011)
Craig: All I did was brush against her, she starts screaming I groped.
Detective Elliot Stabler: That's old news, Craig. Where were you yesterday?
Craig: Having a camera shoved up my ass. Colonoscopy. Wanna see the pictures?
Detective Elliot Stabler: A letter from your doctor will do.

Detective Elliot Stabler: Welcome to the perv parade that leads to nowhere.

Elaine Frye Cavanaugh: I tried to instill discipline in June. Do well in school, practice your piano. And Roger would come right along behind me and spoil her with candy and sleepovers. That's why I divorced him.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Yeah, well, it's a tough world out there, you can't screw around.
Elaine Frye Cavanaugh: Clearly you have children.
Detective Elliot Stabler: I've got five.
Elaine Frye Cavanaugh: Then you know perfection isn't easily attained.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Tortured (#4.16)" (2003)
Detective Elliot Stabler: There's blood on the boot, maybe it's the perp's.
Detective Olivia Benson: I'll get an evidence bag.
Detective Elliot Stabler: [unzips boot] Liv! The blood isn't the perp's it's our victim's...
Detective Olivia Benson: [to the canvas cops] Guys, anybody find a severed foot?

Detective Elliot Stabler: I'm not buying it. Kathy didn't come home all night, I'd be out looking for her.
Detective Olivia Benson: That's you.
Detective Elliot Stabler: That's everybody.
Detective Olivia Benson: That's bull. How many times have we been working on a case and Kathy doesn't hear from you?
Detective Elliot Stabler: That's different. I'm on the job.

Detective Olivia Benson: [to Preston Bennett] Kunsong screaming bloody murder in the middle of the night on a regular basis.
Detective Elliot Stabler: How's that open to interpretation?
Preston Bennett: She had nightmares! She tried everything, even sleeping upright in a chair. Still, she'd wake up thinking she was back in Tibet. The nightmares were so real, even with me holding her, she couldn't stop screaming.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Well, someone shut her up with a wire across her vocal chords.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Russian Love Poem (#1.12)" (2000)
[last lines]
Detective Elliot Stabler: And for this they come to America.

Detective Elliot Stabler: I'm sure sleeping with the girlfriend of a Russian mobster had a certain...
[speaking French]
Detective Elliot Stabler: je ne sais quoi.
Detective Olivia Benson: Je ne sais quoi?
Detective Elliot Stabler: Yeah.
[More French]
Detective Elliot Stabler: N'est-ce pas.
Captain Donald Cragen: One language at a time, merci.

Detective Elliot Stabler: One question, did you and Sonya put the banana in Andrew's rear end?
Katya Ivanova: Yes, he is allergic. But if that is what killed him, it was an honest mistake.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Night (#6.20)" (2005)
Captain Donald Cragen: Elliot in here now.
Eleanor Duvall: Dective Stabler. Gabriel says that you entered his apartment and threatened him?
Detective Elliot Stabler: Yes. I was conducting an investigation. A colleague of mine was beaten nearly to death in her office.
Eleanor Duvall: Well, if you had investigated further you would have known that Gabriel was out having dinner.
Detective Elliot Stabler: I didn't know that at the time.
Eleanor Duvall: Tell me Detective Stabler do you like your job?
Detective Elliot Stabler: Yes I do.
Eleanor Duvall: You have 42 prior arrests that's very commendable. But I know the mayor of this town. Don't make me go to him.

Detective Elliot Stabler: [after being chewed out by Eleanor Duvall for arresting her son] Captain...
Captain Donald Cragen: Save it, I probably would've put Gabriel Duvall through a window.

Captain Donald Cragen: Let Casey talk to her.
Detective Elliot Stabler: She's not back at work yet, I don't think she wants anyone to see her.
Captain Donald Cragen: Exactly.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Recall (#8.3)" (2006)
Donald Cragen: [to Stabler about Beck] I'm hearing her CO in Warrants dumped her.
Elliot Stabler: For what?
Donald Cragen: Being overzealous. Average collars per month for a Warrants detective is eight. She's bringing in 12, 13 perps.
Elliot Stabler: Right, and making everybody else look bad. That's not overzealous. That's talent.
Donald Cragen: Going through the wrong door and roughing up some innocent civilian doesn't show talent. Now, it's only rumor and I don't know the circumstances, but until I find out otherwise, you keep an eye on her.

Detective Dani Beck: [after Stabler gets rid of a photo of a rape victim] What are you doing?
Elliot Stabler: That woman just relived the worst experience of her life. She doesn't need to see the way she looked that night.

Elliot Stabler: [to Beck] Your problem is every perp smells the same to you.
Detective Dani Beck: Yeah, they do.
Elliot Stabler: Well, they're not. They're not the same. You got Trenway, he's a lawyer. You get him in the box, you work him. You don't get in his face. And you don't turn your back on the victims like you did with Heather Stark.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Legacy (#2.4)" (2000)
Detective Elliot Stabler: It's the classic he says she says with a twist, mom blames the dad, dad blames the stepfather.

Detective Elliot Stabler: As sad as it sounds, that little girl's probably safer in the hospital than she's ever been in her own home.

Detective Elliot Stabler: This whole case is like a jigsaw puzzle.
Captain Donald Cragen: Well let's look at the pieces we've got; one suspect eliminated, one cooperating, and one hiding behind his lawyer.
Detective Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: Picture's getting clearer.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Beef (#11.20)" (2010)
Detective Elliot Stabler: I don't trust a guy who wears drawstring pants.

Detective Elliot Stabler: So either Vargas was renting out his pants, or somebody else is setting him up.

John Munch: [birds in a cage] If only they could talk.
Dr. Melinda Warner: Well I'm no Dr. Dolittle, but a swab of the dog's mouth might tell us if he bit the perp while trying to protect her.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Need a vet?
Dr. Melinda Warner: No, I can do it, come here, boy.
[swabs dog's mouth, pauses]
Detective Elliot Stabler: You okay?
Dr. Melinda Warner: He's just a dead ringer for my dog, Petey.
Detective Elliot Stabler: I didn't know you had a dog.
Dr. Melinda Warner: Yeah well, with the work I do, it's nice to come home to something breathing.
John Munch: Yeah, we had a dog once, my father tripped over it and took him back to the pound the next day.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Lay down with dogs, wake up with fleas. Same with men.
[looks at victim murdered in her bed]


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Silence (#3.23)" (2002)
[Father Michael knows of a priest who molested young boys, but cannot reveal his name]
Father Michael Sweeney: What about my vows?
Elliot Stabler: What about the children?

Father Michael Sweeney: I have to protect the penitent.
Elliot Stabler: And what of the faithful, Father? Who protects us?

Elliot Stabler: [to Father Michael Sweeney] Silence is a sin, Father.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Shattered (#11.24)" (2010)
Detective Elliot Stabler: Three different witnesses, ten different stories.

Captain Donald Cragen: [Stabler is offering to retrieve a kidnapped child] Culross is a mercenary. The Army trained him.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Yeah, and the Marines trained me.

Principal Carol Huston: Sophie Gerard is French, and unbalanced, even before Paul got custody of Nicholas.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Mom *loses* custody? That's rare.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Brotherhood (#5.12)" (2004)
Elliot Stabler: You have the right to an attorney. In the unlikely event that Daddy can't afford to buy you one, one will be provided for you.

Elliot Stabler: [standing in a sewage plant with a decomposed body] Whoever dumped our victim, really knew their crap.

Det. Elliot Stabler: [referring to a killer who dumped the body in a sewage treatment plant] They sure know their crap.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Pure (#6.18)" (2005)
Sebastian Ballentine: [a man has claimed that he has had a "psychic vision" of a kidnapped girl] My name is Sebastian Ballentine.
Detective Elliot Stabler: *The* Sebastian Ballentine?
Sebastian Ballentine: Oh, you've heard of me.
Detective Elliot Stabler: No.
[Turns away to take a phone call]

Sebastian Ballentine: I know what you're thinking.
Detective Elliot Stabler: [skeptical] Of course you do. You're psychic.
Sebastian Ballentine: You think I'm mentally ill.
Capt. Donald Cragen: He's good.

Olivia Benson: It's from The Box. It's a sex club run by women.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Come again?
Olivia Benson: Well, that's the idea.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Gray (#12.9)" (2010)
Executive A.D.A. Sonya Paxton: Hey, Stabler. Miss me?
Olivia Benson: Sonya, what are you doing here?
Executive A.D.A. Sonya Paxton: You mean how did I escape the drunk tank?
Elliot Stabler: No. She means "why us?"

Executive A.D.A. Sonya Paxton: [to Stabler] Your daughter? You didn't have the balls to do your own dirty work, so you sent your kid to break the law for you?
Elliot Stabler: Nobody broke the law!
Executive A.D.A. Sonya Paxton: What is wrong with you people? God! How many Brady violations do you have to get slapped with?
Elliot Stabler: If you would just shut up... just shut up for one second.
Executive A.D.A. Sonya Paxton: No, no, no, you shut up! I'll explain to you, okay? You just handed Chuck Mills a get-out-of-jail-free...
Elliot Stabler: Chuck Mills isn't going anywhere because I didn't tell my daughter to take the file.
Executive A.D.A. Sonya Paxton: Oh, right, right. And I should believe you because you have a reputation for playing by the book and it's beyond reproach.
Elliot Stabler: You know something? I hope you're not on the sauce right now, 'cause I got a policy against strangling drunks. Go have a drink.

Elliot Stabler: [When Paxton wants Kathleen to testify in court] If you put her on the stand, Hudson's gonna kick her out of school.
Executive A.D.A. Sonya Paxton: I don't know what you want from me, Stabler. Do you want me to... what, subpoena you so you can do the perjuring and put Chuck away?
Elliot Stabler: I'm not gonna lie on the stand and what? Go to prison, lose my job and my pension? Can't feed my wife and family? What, for Mills?


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Swing (#10.3)" (2008)
Detective Elliot Stabler: What the hell just happened?
Detective Olivia Benson: Maybe God just remembered how cute you were as a carrot.

Detective Elliot Stabler: The minute Dad dies, you sell the house and move here.
Bernie Stabler: What was I supposed to do, get on my knees and say my rosary and pray for his immortal soul?
Detective Elliot Stabler: He sure as hell needed it.
Bernie Stabler: [laughs] And then some.

Detective Elliot Stabler: What were you thinking breaking into that place?
Kathleen Stabler: I didn't break in, the window was open.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Authority (#9.17)" (2008)
Detective Elliot Stabler: The Milgram Experiment.
Merritt Rook: You've done your homework. Yes, only this time its for real.

Detective Elliot Stabler: I Don't abuse my authority.
Merritt Rook: Oh, every cop abuses his authority!

Merritt Rook: I put my faith in a little god in a white coat and he killed my wife and son. Push the button!
Detective Elliot Stabler: No!
Merritt Rook: Push... the... Button!
Detective Elliot Stabler: I can't do it.
Merritt Rook: No? Why?
Detective Elliot Stabler: Too many people have suffered already.
Merritt Rook: Then you, Elliot Stabler, are a human being. Congratulations. You are not a sheep like I was. You're a man. Thank you.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Criminal (#5.21)" (2004)
Elliot Stabler: I wouldn't want my children being taught by a murderer.

Elliot Stabler: [to Cragen about Gabrielle] I think she'd do anything to protect her father.
Donald Cragen: Then she's an accessory. Bring her in. I'll talk to her myself.
Elliot Stabler: You sure that's a good idea?
Donald Cragen: Is there something you want to say to me?
Elliot Stabler: Just that you seem a little involved.
Donald Cragen: Vega raped and murdered an innocent young woman. Of course I'm involved.

Olivia Benson: [about Professor Vega] He was traveling with an older woman.
Elliot Stabler: How you get that?
Olivia Benson: Take a whiff. Lilies and roses. No woman under 60 wears this perfume.
Donald Cragen: Maybe Gabrielle has old-fashioned tastes.
Olivia Benson: Gabrielle wears sandalwood and bergamot.
[pauses]
Olivia Benson: Women notice these things.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: A Single Life (#1.2)" (1999)
Detective Elliot Stabler: [Stabler and Benson are looking through a victims belonging's as part of their investigation] She must have had fun naming her computer files... Uh, this is "Penis.Quotes." You want to read it or should I?
Detective Olivia Benson: Oh, knock yourself out.
Detective Elliot Stabler: [Takes a quick glance and a moment later gives it to Benson with discomfort] No, that's yours.
Captain Donald Cragen: Anything?
Detective Elliot Stabler: No.
Detective Olivia Benson: Okay, "Biology of the Amazons" by Grethen Quinn. "There's a tiny catfish feared more than the piranha. It's called a..."
Captain Donald Cragen: Candiru.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Say what?
Captain Donald Cragen: This is beautiful. Tell him.
Detective Olivia Benson: [Reading a passage] "It will swim right into a man's penis and lodge itself there by erecting sharp spines." Ow.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Erecting sharp spines... That's a fish with a sense of irony. How'd you know that?
Captain Donald Cragen: In the jungle they always taught us, "Don't hose your nose; Hold your stones."

Detective Elliot Stabler: [entering Cragen's office] You look about as happy as a postal worker on Christmas.

Olivia Benson: Yeah. I'm a regular monk.
Det. Elliot Stabler: [Staring at her] Monkette.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Mother (#5.3)" (2003)
Detective Elliot Stabler: Lady, I've got four kids, if I ever talked to one of them like that I'd arrest myself!

Dr. Heints: I was re-parenting him.
Elliot Stabler: Lady I've got four kids, if I ever talked to one of them like that... I'd arrest myself.

Detective Elliot Stabler: You believe this guy? It's our fault he's a sick prick.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Choice (#5.7)" (2003)
Elliot Stabler: [to Casey about Craig Fulton] You made a deal with that idiot?
Casey Novak: I take him to trial, I'm not sure I'd win.
Olivia Benson: What'll it take to convince you? Broken bones or maybe a dead body?
Casey Novak: Jennifer Fulton didn't exactly help her case by fingering the wrong guy.
Olivia Benson: So now rape victims have to be perfect before you'll bother to prosecute their rapists?
Casey Novak: I prosecute cases I have a chance at winning.
Elliot Stabler: Well, hang around 'cause you'll be prosecuting him for murder. The number one cause of death among pregnant women is homicide, usually by their partners.
Casey Novak: Okay, Craig Fulton goes within 200 yards of Jennifer, he's in jail.
Olivia Benson: Oh, great. That'll stop him. Let's go give her the good news.

Olivia Benson: Elliot, did Cathy drink when she was pregnant?
Elliot Stabler: A glass of wine every now and then. Why?
Olivia Benson: I've been reading up on this FAS literature. Do you know that even one night's drinking can cause fetal alcohol syndrome?
Elliot Stabler: I didn't know that. I guess I just got lucky.
Olivia Benson: Knowing that now, if she got pregnant again, would you let her?
Elliot Stabler: If Cathy got pregnant again, I'd shoot myself.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Runaway (#2.16)" (2001)
Det. Elliot Stabler: [referring to Benson] I can keep a secret if the mall queen can.

Det. Elliot Stabler: There are 39000 of us, anything happens to Jill were all gonna be looking for a piece of you.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Bullseye (#12.2)" (2010)
Jeff Samonsky: [Benson just unplugged the controllers from the gaming console, startling the Samonsky's out of the game they were playing] WHOA! Where the hell'd you come from?
Detective Elliot Stabler: The real world. Join us.

[Stabler is interviewing a woman with mental problems and has just showed her a picture of her daughter, Rose]
Amber Samonsky: Not my daughter.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Now, you just said that you have a daughter named Rose.
Amber Samonsky: I do. Somewhere.
Detective Elliot Stabler: That's not her?
Amber Samonsky: It looks like her and this girls' been living in our apartment. But she's an imposter.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Confrontation (#8.5)" (2006)
Detective Elliot Stabler: You're an office manager. You were fired from being a scientist.

Detective Elliot Stabler: [about a rape victim who called him before her murder] All she said was she wanted her life back.
Dr. Melinda Warner: She didn't want to be a victim anymore.
Detective Elliot Stabler: [pause] Who does?


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Noncompliance (#2.6)" (2000)
Elliot Stabler: [to Olivia] You're uncomfortable with the mentally ill.
Olivia Benson: No, I am uncomfortable with dangerous unpredictability.

Mrs. Nash: [when she finds out Mark is given anti-psychotic medication] Why are you doing this?
Elliot Stabler: Ma'am, because he is the witness to Maggie's death. We can't make our case without him.
Mrs. Nash: So you treat him like a criminal. You never asked him. You hold a gun to his head and you have the audacity to say that he agreed: prison or this.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: The Third Guy (#1.16)" (2000)
Tech: Guy ejaculated on her thigh. Take a look at this. Tied up with her own support hose.
Detective Olivia Benson: The attacker came unprepared. The rape was probably an afterthought.
Detective Elliot Stabler: How do you get those thoughts about somebody who looks like your grandmother?

Hiphop: [while being arrested] Me has embaucado, you douche!
Detective Elliot Stabler: Yo, Hiphop. You want us to Mirandise you in English and Spanish, we can.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Pixies (#2.9)" (2001)
Captain Donald Cragen: Whatever happened to just hanging out on the jungle gym?
Detective Elliot Stabler: Gone the way of the 8 track tape.

Patsy: Coach is great.
Detective Elliot Stabler: You don't mind all the yelling and screaming?
Patsy: No, it's worse when he ignores you, then he doesn't care anymore.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Responsible (#8.18)" (2007)
Detective Elliot Stabler: I'm sorry, Kathleen, but there's no statute of limitations on being a bad parent.
[burns up Kathleen's driver's license]

Detective Elliot Stabler: Lady, that dog had no food or water. Now unless you want the ASPCA and PETA staked out on your front lawn, you'll start telling us the truth.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Trophy (#12.7)" (2010)
[Fin and Stabler are talking with a guard while reviewing security videos]
Detective Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: Morgue missing any bodies?
Kevin: All DBs present and accounted for.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Hold on. What's this guy doing?
Kevin: How the hell I miss that?

Detective Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: Only problem is he's got a solid alibi!
Detective Elliot Stabler: Which is what?
Detective Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: He wasn't even born yet!


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Parasites (#2.19)" (2001)
Elliot Stabler: The story reads like a bad soap opera: doctor marries wife #2, wife #1 mysteriously disappears.
Olivia Benson: After wife #2 uses wife number one as a punching bag.

Elliot Stabler: Ava could have gone on forever being Burton's wife, Julia's mother...
Olivia Benson: If it hadn't been for the bones.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Pop (#12.11)" (2011)
Dr. Melinda Warner: The internal body temp is down little more than 2 degrees
Elliot Stabler: So he's been dead little over an hour
Dr. Melinda Warner: You're getting good at this!
Elliot Stabler: Wish I weren't!

Elliot Stabler: Really? You're smoking?
Sandra Roberts: Stop be a cop!
Elliot Stabler: I will when you start being a mother


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Home (#5.16)" (2004)
Detective Olivia Benson: Westchester Mall. Great place to dump a car.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Yeah, with a body in the trunk.

Detective Olivia Benson: [after Jacob Nesbit is found dead from a gunshot wound to the head] Elliot, this is not your fault. You didn't send that boy home, ACS did.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Screw ACS. I knew something was wrong. I watched that boy walk out that door.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Cage (#8.8)" (2006)
Detective Elliot Stabler: [arriving at a scene where a van's being lifted out of the water] John, what do we got?
Detective John Munch: The van tried to take a shortcut to Brooklyn. The river got in the way.

Detective Elliot Stabler: Handcuffed to the van, who let them out?
Uniform cop: Probably the driver, looks like there were two adults in the van, a woman with one shoe
[picks up a shoe]
Uniform cop: and one man with no hair.
[picks up a wig]


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Stocks & Bondage (#1.9)" (1999)
Det. Brian Cassidy: I don't get S&M. I mean, hurt me, it turns me on. Come on, what's up with that?
Det. John Munch: It starts with the tattoos. Once you get the ink, it's just a matter of time before you're begging to be tied up and spanked.
Det. Brian Cassidy: Yeah, tattoos are just a gateway to the sexual dark side, my friend.
Det. Elliot Stabler: [putting his right arm around Cassidy and turning his left arm so one tattoo shows] You guys have finally figured me out, huh?
Det. Monique Jefferies: Seriously, did you get off on the tiny little pinpricks of pain?
Det. Elliot Stabler: No, I get that from workin' with you.

[about a sleazy jeweler]
Det. Elliot Stabler: I tell you, if I were ripping off my company, I'd want this jeweler as my guy.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Avatar (#9.2)" (2007)
Lauren Molby: You've got to let me see him. I've loved him since I was 15 years old.
[Olivia and Elliot stare at her]
Lauren Molby: You think a 15 year old can't fall in love?
Detective Elliot Stabler: I have teenaged daughters who fall in love all the time.

Detective Elliot Stabler: You're under arrest.
Cooper: For what?
Detective Elliot Stabler: Crossing on the red. Didn't you see the sign?
Cooper: You've got to be kidding.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Safety's no laughing matter.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Underbelly (#8.7)" (2006)
Det. Elliot Stabler: [to a suspect hiding in a couch] Find the remote?

Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: What? You got a tag?
Det. Elliot Stabler: You did, are you?
Detective Dani Beck: Maybe!
Det. Elliot Stabler: So let's have a look, maybe it's a good as you say it is
Detective Dani Beck: Take my word for it
Det. Elliot Stabler: I'll show you mine!
Detective Dani Beck: It wouldn't be a fair trade!


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Manic (#5.2)" (2003)
Detective Olivia Benson: Joe, why did you shoot Luke and Tyrell?
[sets out pictures of the victims on the table]
Joe Blaine: [looking at pictures] I don't know them.
Detective Olivia Benson: You don't know them? You told us that you went to school with them.
Joe Blaine: No, I didn't.
Detective Olivia Benson: Joe. Joe, look at me.
[Joe looks up and then looks back down]
Detective Olivia Benson: You're in serious trouble here, and you need to help yourself.
Joe Blaine: I don't want to.
Detective Elliot Stabler: [laying a drawing on the table] Did you draw this?
Joe Blaine: Where's my pen? I want my pen!
Detective Elliot Stabler: We'll get you one. I know you drew that now did you also do this?
Joe Blaine: Didn't draw that. Didn't draw that!
Detective Olivia Benson: [points to masked figure in the drawing] Joe, who's this? Who's this person here?
Joe Blaine: [whispering] Zoltar.
Detective Olivia Benson: Who's Zoltar?
Joe Blaine: [begins slapping himself and banging his head on the table] No! I won't! Stop! Stop, I won't!
Joe Blaine: [after Stabler tries to calm him] Zoltars gonna kill you! He's gonna kill you!
[Stabler picks him up out of his chair]
Joe Blaine: Get off! He's gonna kill you! Zoltar's gonna kill you!

[last lines]
Dean Reynolds: Hey, you're hurting me!
Elliot Stabler: Take some Aptril. That'll make you feel better.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Dolls (#4.7)" (2002)
Forensic Anthropologist: [after the body of a deceased, unknown young girl is discovered] Meet Cherish Doe.
Elliot Stabler: What, Jane Doe's not good enough?
Forensic Anthropologist: It's too impersonal. A cute little girl with braids deserves something better, don't you think?

Odafin Tutuola: Violet's telling the truth.
John Munch: Junkies lie all the time. Your words.
Odafin Tutuola: You didn't talk to her.
John Munch: Then let her see the body.
Odafin Tutuola: The child had no face. No mother can handle that.
John Munch: Sounds like you're lacking a little objectivity.
Odafin Tutuola: Why? 'Cause I'm not handling things your way?
John Munch: The department doesn't have a budget for Violet's hotel room. You're paying for it, aren't you?
Odafin Tutuola: So what?
John Munch: Well, I guess she is kind of cute.
Odafin Tutuola: Look, somebody knows who took Nina after Mrs. Hawkins died. We've gotta canvass her neighborhood. Let's go.
John Munch: I still think you ought to let her view the body.
Odafin Tutuola: Are you coming or what?
John Munch: How do you even know she has a kid? Maybe she's using Cherish Doe for a handout.
Odafin Tutuola: I pulled the birth certificate myself, so back off.
Elliot Stabler: [walks up to Fin and Munch] Lover's quarrel?
Odafin Tutuola: Gonna be a domestic dispute if Munch don't get out of my face.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Scavenger (#6.4)" (2004)
Detective Elliot Stabler: [looking through Humphrey's apartment] Got a lot of books.
Detective Olivia Benson: All mysteries. He takes good care of them. He steals from libraries.
Detective Elliot Stabler: [sees night lights plugged in everywhere] He also collects night lights.
Detective Olivia Benson: A pseudo-killer psychopath who's afraid of the dark?

Humphrey Becker: [Elliot drags Humphrey into the hall] No! Where're you taking me?
Detective Elliot Stabler: MY game room!
[to Olivia]
Detective Elliot Stabler: The closet!
Humphrey Becker: NO! Don't put me in there!
Detective Elliot Stabler: [Olivia breaks the light bulb] Let's see how YOU like being left in the dark!
Detective Olivia Benson: [they close him in] It's just a game, Humphrey!


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Hammered (#11.4)" (2009)
[Stabler accidentally let a murder suspect escape from custody]
Executive A.D.A. Sonya Paxton: Good morning, detectives.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Just when I thought my day couldn't get any worse.
Executive A.D.A. Sonya Paxton: Has anyone seen my missing defendant?
Detective Elliot Stabler: Well, we could try and find him, unless you wanna just waste our time busting my balls.
Executive A.D.A. Sonya Paxton: Oh, I'd never kick a man when he's down. I'm sure you feel like a grade "A" moron as it is.

Captain Donald Cragen: [about Sonya] SVU was too much for her. The pressure must have triggered her drinking.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Explains why she was such a control freak. White-knuckle drunk just hanging on by a thread.
Olivia Benson: What a hypocrite.
Captain Donald Cragen: She was a good lawyer with a bad problem.
Olivia Benson: I definitely saw a lot of my mother in her.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Well, her career's over. There's no way she's coming back from this. I mean, she's a walking cluster...
[Sonya walks in the room]


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Misleader (#1.17)" (2000)
Detective Elliot Stabler: Don't touch me. I don't like being touched.

Detective Elliot Stabler: [to Ben Hadley Jr] First your father, then his lawyer, don't you ever speak for yourself?


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Undercover (#9.15)" (2008)
[Captain Harris is getting a photo taken of his genitals as evidence]
Detective Elliot Stabler: Captain, huh? You look more like a private to me.
Dr. Melinda Warner: We'll have to enlarge it for the jury, but it's right where Ashley said it was.

Detective Elliot Stabler: CSU says the crime scene was clean. Guy even dug up plants.
Donald Cragen: What about the victim? He leave anything on her?
Detective Olivia Benson: Oh, the nurse found fluids. But without Ashley's consent, the hospital won't release the rape kit.
Donald Cragen: Well, we can't force her to cooperate.
Detective Olivia Benson: No, but we can keep the case open if we suspect abuse.
Donald Cragen: Well, what about the machete-wielding gardener?
Detective Elliot Stabler: Yeah, he's a fruitcake, not a rapist.
Detective Olivia Benson: I still like the foster dad for it.
Donald Cragen: Or maybe you're just looking for a reason to keep investigating.
Detective Olivia Benson: Captain, the girl was traumatized. She was raped until evidence proves she wasn't.
Donald Cragen: You got the rest of the day. Find something or move on.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Storm (#7.10)" (2005)
Elliot Stabler: Where have you been staying in New York?
Alvin Dutch: I don't really see how that concerns you.
Elliot Stabler: [Stabler leans on the table and smirks as he sees that Dutch is anxious] Hey. You're starting to sweat. You nervous?
Alvin Dutch: Hardly. I've been through hell. Clung to a tree all night while bodies floated by. You don't scare me. I know my rights. I've committed no crime. You can't keep me here. I'd like to see my lawyer now.

A.D.A. Casey Novak: [after observing Stabler's interrogation of Dutch with Captain Cragen] He said the magic words.
Donald Cragen: And while we wait for legal aid to waltz Mr. Corman out the door, God only knows where Nicki is or what shape she's in.
A.D.A. Casey Novak: Do you think she's still alive?
Donald Cragen: He's antsy, sweating. If he'd hidden the body, he'd be calm.
Elliot Stabler: [exiting the interrogation room] Casey? You've got to help us out here, 'cause I'm not cutting this guy loose.
A.D.A. Casey Novak: [matter-of-factly] Print him.
Donald Cragen: [Cragen and Stabler look at each other confused] Counselor, without grounds to arrest, we need a court order to compel his fingerprints.
A.D.A. Casey Novak: Do you think he knows that?


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Closure (#1.10)" (2000)
Elliot Stabler: [to Olivia] How long you been sleeping with Cassidy?
Olivia Benson: Uh, I'm not.
Elliot Stabler: Your stomach just dropped two floors, Olivia. The unconscious does not lie
Olivia Benson: I'm not lying. Not much.

Sam Lardner: Don't I need a lawyer?
Elliot Stabler: For being a peeping tom? Nah, just a shrink.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Paternity (#9.9)" (2007)
Detective Elliot Stabler: Kathy wants to name him after me.
Detective Olivia Benson: Just what the world needs. Another Elliot Stabler.

[Stabler and Benson just found out that Tommy isn't Jake's son and are walking through the precinct hallway while discussing whether or not to tell Jake]
Detective Olivia Benson: He has the right to know.
Detective Elliot Stabler: It's not our place to tell him.
Detective Olivia Benson: Jake is raising a child that biologically isn't his. He's married to a woman who's being unfaithful. You think that ignorance is bliss?
Detective Elliot Stabler: First of all, Tommy *is* his son. And Jake is the only father he's ever known. Now they love each other. Why do you want to mess with that?
Detective Olivia Benson: Because it's not fair to Jake or Tommy.
Detective Elliot Stabler: If Leah Keegan wants to tell her husband that Tommy's not his, that's her choice, not ours.
[Olivia spots Jake sitting in a chair, having overheard what Stabler just said]
Jake Keegan: [Standing up] What do you mean? Tommy's not my son?


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Hysteria (#1.4)" (1999)
Detective Olivia Benson: Oh my god. He's wearing them!
Detective Elliot Stabler: Nice shoes.

[a teenaged friend of Kathleen's is pregnant, and Elliot is trying to find the right time to talk about waiting to have sex - he is helping her practice soccer by kicking balls for her to block from the goal]
Elliot Stabler: You didn't come out again, honey.
Kathleen: So?
Elliot Stabler: So... one ball can change the game. It's like - it's like life. When I get close to you, you just come on out and cut off my angle, OK? Just try it again. Come on out, come on out.
[he kicks the ball, it goes past her into the goal]
Kathleen: Thanks, that was great advice.
Elliot Stabler: Honey, you did great, you did great, it's just that... the players in this game, they know a lotta tricks. Never commit until you know where they're coming from, and even then you just - you gotta be careful. You understand?
Kathleen: Whatever.
Elliot Stabler: Good, OK.
[pause]
Elliot Stabler: Because they'll be attacking you from every angle.
[pause]
Elliot Stabler: Just guard it with your life, sweetie.
Kathleen: Oh, boy.
Elliot Stabler: OK. Come on, kick it back.
Kathleen: Dad, I'm a virgin, OK?
[she kicks the ball to him, he stands still and it goes by him]
Elliot Stabler: OK.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Lowdown (#5.20)" (2004)
Detective Elliot Stabler: How many hookers you ever see strangle somebody with a hotpants?
Detective Olivia Benson: Elliot, these aren't a hotpants, they're leggings, you wear them to the gym.
Detective Elliot Stabler: So we're looking for a hooker who works out?

Dr. Melinda Warner: This is the DNA from Jeff York, this is the DNA from inside the condom, they don't match. There were two men in that car.
Detective Olivia Benson: The operative word being 'men'.
Detective Elliot Stabler: No wonder you and Jeff didn't have any chemistry. He was gay.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Sin (#8.17)" (2007)
Detective Olivia Benson: Who today has 10 kids?
Detective Elliot Stabler: Not even Catholics.

Detective Elliot Stabler: [to priest] So I confess to murder, what do you do? 'Say five Hail Marys, hallelujah'?


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Design (#7.2)" (2005)
Dr. Melinda Warner: This is all that survived the fire.
Olivia Benson: Not very much.
Dr. Melinda Warner: Fire marshal says an accelerant was used, probably gasoline, to enhance the burn.
Elliot Stabler: Smart guy. Wanted to make sure we didn't find a body.
Dr. Melinda Warner: I didn't.
Olivia Benson: You mean it was incinerated?
Dr. Melinda Warner: No, I mean there wasn't one in that car. Body burns, you always find something.

Elliot Stabler: You walked through this city carrying $500,000 and just handed it over to her?
Barclay Pallister: Yeah.
Olivia Benson: Then why did she leave crying?
Barclay Pallister: Because she's crazy. I was happy to pay her just to get her out of my life. She left with the money and I never saw her again.
Elliot Stabler: The problem is neither has anyone else.
Chauncey Zeirko: We're through here. Charge my client or leave.
Elliot Stabler: [turning to leave] By the way, your cleanup job at the apartment sucked. You should have let April burn up in that car. You've made an awful lot of mistakes, and I promise they're gonna catch up to you.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Tragedy (#5.1)" (2003)
Elliot Stabler: If she dies because you're holding out on us, I'll personally stick that needle in your arm myself, you little prick.

Elliot Stabler: Don't lie to me. I'm about thirty seconds away from putting your face through that wall.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Damaged (#4.11)" (2003)
Olivia Benson: [When the Kurtzes want to take Rebecca off life support] They haven't done the rape exam yet.
Donald Cragen: Rebecca's parents want to donate her organs. They wait much longer, they won't be usable.
Alexandra Cabot: Can't they do the exam post-mortem?
Donald Cragen: M.E. says once there's no blood flow, tissue deteriorates and we could lose our evidence.
Alexandra Cabot: She tested positive for gonorrhea. Isn't that enough to prove our case?
Elliot Stabler: Not if we want to prove that she was also raped.
Donald Cragen: We need every bit of evidence we can get. Alex, this bastard should die in his cell.

Peter Kurtz: [to Stabler and Benson] You got your restraining order. Why don't you leave us alone?
Olivia Benson: Mr. Kurtz, the last thing that we want to do is inflict any more pain on your family.
Elliot Stabler: We need to find out what happened to Rebecca.
Raquel Kurtz: Do you have children, Detectives?
Elliot Stabler: I have four.
Raquel Kurtz: Then how can you put us through this?
Elliot Stabler: If one of my children were sexually abused, I'd want to know who did it.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Rage (#6.17)" (2005)
Detective Elliot Stabler: Did you think I froze? Is that why you fired first?
Detective Olivia Benson: I fired first, because you would've killed him.
Detective Elliot Stabler: He deserves to die.
Detective Olivia Benson: Maybe he does. But he wanted you to kill him. He wanted you to always remember that you took his life. Not 'cause you had to, but because you were angry.

Gordon Rickett: What do you know about controlling anything?
Detective Elliot Stabler: I don't murder people.
Gordon Rickett: Give it time. You say you see something in me? Well, I see something in you, too. You think you control. You can't. You're controlled. By your boss, by your job, by your wife, your kids. What would you be if all those controls went away?
Detective Elliot Stabler: I'd be you.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Lunacy (#10.4)" (2008)
Detective Elliot Stabler: I have bad news. One of your astronauts has been murdered.
Colonel Richard Finley: How did she die?. How does Finley know that the dead astronaut is a women if he's not the murderer? Good guess, 'Goof' or just a clue not identified by anyone but me. Or, I may have heard it wrong. One of those times that I wish I had TIVO!

Colonel Richard Finley: [about Elliot and Olivia] So...?
Detective Elliot Stabler: I'm married.
Colonel Richard Finley: Never stopped me.
Detective Elliot Stabler: And you got 4 divorces to prove it.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Bad Blood (#1.11)" (2000)
Detective Elliot Stabler: Do you know about Olivia's family history?
Detective John Munch: No, what? Alcoholic, dead beat dad, Jehovah's Witness?
Detective Elliot Stabler: All she knows about her father is that he's the man that raped her mother.

William Langdon: Homosexuality is not natural. It's a crime against God.
Detective Elliot Stabler: And AIDS is divine retribution.
William Langdon: Are you being flippant with me?


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Crush (#10.20)" (2009)
Rick Edwards: [after Stabler hits him] Cheap shot.
Elliot Stabler: Oh, I thought it was a street fight.

Elliot Stabler: You sext me, Stuckey, you're toast.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Wrath (#3.2)" (2001)
[a murderer is stalking Olivia]
Elliot Stabler: I didn't tell you about the detail because I knew you'd refuse.
Olivia Benson: Only the rat-squad puts cops on other cops, Elliot, without telling them. I deserve better than that. Especially from you.
Elliot Stabler: [pauses] You've been under a lot of stress lately...
Olivia Benson: I've always backed your play.
Elliot Stabler: And I did what I had to do. The guy's murdered four people, what's to stop him from coming after you, Olivia?
Olivia Benson: If you can't trust your partner, Elliot, it's time to get a new one.

[last lines, after Olivia's killed someone]
Olivia Benson: I gotta give my statement.
Elliot Stabler: I'll take it...
Olivia Benson: YOU leave me alone.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Uncle (#8.4)" (2006)
Detective Dani Beck: Here's one: Man in George W. Bush mask drags woman into alleyway, sodomizes her on Halloween night.
Detective Elliot Stabler: At least we assume it was a mask; we never did catch that guy.

[a child has been violently raped and murdered; at the scene, Beck is ready to lose her lunch]
Detective Elliot Stabler: Just so you know, everybody loses it their first kid case.
Detective Dani Beck: I'll get used to it.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Well... when that happens, transfer out.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Entitled (#1.15)" (2000)
Detective Olivia Benson: The crime scene is a big grope spot.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Romantic. Teenagers, honeymooners...
[glances at Olivia]
Detective Elliot Stabler: ...co-workers.
Captain Donald Cragen: So where's this guy's love interest?
Detective Olivia Benson: Uh... we're running down the prints.
Det. John Munch: Maybe he was alone.
Detective Olivia Benson: [sarcastic] Well, maybe his pants came off from the force of the shot.
Det. John Munch: All I'm saying is he could have been having safe sex with himself.

Detective Elliot Stabler: Those are not wagon trains circled around Stephanie. Those were tanks.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Manipulated (#7.15)" (2006)
Detective Olivia Benson: How'd he get out when the door was locked from the inside?
Detective Elliot Stabler: The window.
[they go to the window]
Detective Elliot Stabler: It's an eight story drop from here. Our guy didn't get out of here unless he was Spiderman.

Detective Olivia Benson: [cynically] It's a miracle, she can swim.
Detective Elliot Stabler: And she can walk.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Sick (#5.19)" (2004)
[Warner is removing some of Tripley's hair for a DNA sample]
Billy Tripley: Look, this really hurts.
[she pulls another hair]
Billy Tripley: Oh, come on! Are you going to pull out every hair on my head?
M.E. Melinda Warner: We have to make sure to get one with the root attached. Ten hairs is standard procedure.
[pulls another hair]
Billy Tripley: Look, this is police brutality!
Elliot Stabler: Trust me, when you're being brutalized by me, you'll know it.
Billy Tripley: You just threatened me. Did you hear him threaten me?
M.E. Melinda Warner: Nope.
[prepares to take an oral swab]
M.E. Melinda Warner: Open wide, and if you bite me, *I'll* hurt you.

[Jeremy Ostilow objects to Stabler's interrogation of his son]
Elliot Stabler: Read what he wrote! He wants to act like an adult predator, I'll talk to him like one.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Control (#5.9)" (2003)
Detective Olivia Benson: [after a uniformed Officer informs Elliot that they still haven't found 'the package'] What package?
Detective Elliot Stabler: Ah, Mr. Gorman's. His penis and testicles were cut off. And they're still missing.

Detective Olivia Benson: Maybe Mr. Gorman didn't 'want' to be a man anymore?
Detective Elliot Stabler: You think he 'wanted' his Johnson wacked off?


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Behave (#12.3)" (2010)
Bill Harris: [giving a lecture] Any questions?
Detective Elliot Stabler: [stands up] Yeah, why'd you rape Vicki?
Man in Crowd: What did you say?
Detective Elliot Stabler: I asked him why he raped Vicki?

Vicki: He raped me. Again.
Detective Elliot Stabler: [arriving at the hospital] Again? She mention the guy's name?
Dr. Tanaka: Says she doesn't know it.
Detective Olivia Benson: And... he attacked her how many times?
Dr. Tanaka: She told the EMTs four, over the past 15 years.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Lust (#4.4)" (2002)
M.E. Melinda Warner: It took me most of the night, but I figured out what Dr. Esterman was working on.
Det. Elliot Stabler: Looks like a bunch of circles and arrows.
M.E. Melinda Warner: Tell me about it. I've been seeing circles and arrows all night.

[Benson and Stabler are sifting through Greta Esterman's hate mail]
Det. Olivia Benson: Last month, AIDS activists threw pig's blood on her, protesting her policies.
Det. Elliot Stabler: How about this?
[Stabler holds up crayon-written paper with bad grammar and horrible spelling]
Det. Elliot Stabler: Snoopie bich doctor YOU DIE.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Secrets (#2.12)" (2001)
Marcus Cole: [about Ms. Owens] She wasn't gonna graduate me.
Elliot Stabler: News flash: you gotta show up to class to graduate.

ADA Alexandra Cabot: They didn't go for Murder Two. It's Manslaughter One.
Elliot Stabler: Grand Jury couldn't get past her sex life.
Detective Olivia Benson: The son of a bitch is gonna get away with murder.
ADA Alexandra Cabot: No, they listened. They think Montrose is guilty, a jury will, too.
Elliot Stabler: Not life.
ADA Alexandra Cabot: Fifteen to twenty-five to sit around and think about what he's done? I'll take that.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Confession (#10.2)" (2008)
Jake Berlin: I'm into little girls.
Elliot Stabler: You're a steaming bag of crap that I would love to shove down a hole.

Dr. Engles: [to Greylek] I'm afraid you're not going to make it to trial.
Kim Greylek: Don't get ahead of yourself, Dr. Engels. All I want to know is if the boy can take the stand.
Dr. Engles: For one thing, he's too young to testify in a courtroom.
Kim Greylek: We can videotape his testimony.
Dr. Engles: And he was coached.
Kim Greylek: He just shoved a crayon into a doll's ass.
Dr. Engles: But there's no evidence of sexual assault to his rectum. Somebody told him what to do to raise the alarm.
Detective Olivia Benson: [to Greylek] How much time did you spend with Cory?
Kim Greylek: Meaning?
Detective Olivia Benson: Meaning you seem pretty anxious to get into that courtroom.
Kim Greylek: I don't like what you're implying, Detective. I haven't talked to the boy yet.
Detective Olivia Benson: You talked with his father.
Kim Greylek: That's my job. Wait a minute. I believe the victim. Why don't you?
Detective Olivia Benson: Because Eric Byers walked into our precinct asking for help. He says that he didn't touch him.
Kim Greylek: Which is what all pedophiles say.
[to Dr. Engels]
Kim Greylek: In your opinion, was Cory Kelley sexually assaulted?
Dr. Engles: I can't answer that with any certainty.
Kim Greylek: Well, I can.
Elliot Stabler: Are you even interested in justice or just showboating?
Kim Greylek: Just do your damn job and I'll do mine.
Elliot Stabler: Well, is there something you think we ought to be doing that we're not?
Kim Greylek: Yeah. Squeeze the pedophile's mother till she pops.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Ritual (#5.14)" (2004)
[running down a suspect after their cover was blown, Fin grabs him and slams him into the wall, then begins to beat him and punch him]
Fin Tutuola: They're kids, you sick sonofabitch!
[Then Elliot comes in the car]
Elliot Stabler: Fin! Fin!
[He pulls Fin off the suspect and holds him so he won't start again]
Elliot Stabler: Enough! Enough! Off, off, off!

[when Shaye denies being the killer, despite the strong evidence against him]
Elliot Stabler: So this is all just one crazy cosmic coincidence. You just happen to buy a tribal artifact just like the one worn by the dead boy's sister; your wife buys a candle like the one that was right next to his body?
[pause]
Elliot Stabler: Professor, I'm not that bright - you're the educated guy here - would *you* buy that coincidence?
Allan Shaye: [very sarcastically] Yes. Because... *that's what happened.*


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Fight (#9.8)" (2007)
Detective Chester Lake: [about Jadon and Ezra Odami] They were just kids. You know, they didn't have a chance.
Elliot Stabler: What are you, a social worker now?
Detective Chester Lake: They lived in 19 different foster homes. Someone's gotta help them.
Elliot Stabler: Well, wait until you have your own family.
Detective Chester Lake: Hey, what's that supposed to mean?
Elliot Stabler: It means that when you have a daughter Julie Donovan's age, your heart'll stop bleeding for the mopes who killed her.
Detective Chester Lake: You're saying that I don't give a crap about the victims?
Donald Cragen: We keep it civil around here or you're gone. All right, go cool off.

Elliot Stabler: [to Lake] You gotta watch yourself. If you get too obsessed with these cases, you'll lose more than sleep.
Detective Chester Lake: Like what?
Elliot Stabler: Family.
Detective Chester Lake: What, are you trying to bust my chops again?
Elliot Stabler: I'm dead serious. This job nearly cost me mine.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Class (#7.17)" (2006)
Det. Elliot Stabler: They don't allow diamond rings in prison.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Waste (#4.8)" (2002)
Detective Elliot Stabler: [about pregnant coma patients] Where's the greater good in rape?
Dr. Garrison: They weren't raped... they were inseminated.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Baby Killer (#2.5)" (2000)
Olivia Benson: [after another child is killed] Cycle never ends, does it?
Detective Elliot Stabler: Welcome to the Gaza Strip.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Users (#11.7)" (2009)
Detective Elliot Stabler: It can cure heroin addiction in 24 hours and it's ILLEGAL?
Dr. George Huang: Because the patent expired, no drug company can make a profit off of it.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Liberties (#10.21)" (2009)
[a rape victim fought off her attacker and put him in the hospital]
Owen Walters: What do you call what she did to me?
Detective Elliot Stabler: For a rapist? Occupational hazard.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Scheherazade (#8.10)" (2007)
A.D.A. Casey Novak: My hands are tied. Mike Mollinax committed murder.
Detective Elliot Stabler: I've got witness statements from six people including prison staff, all of them backing the claim of self-defense.
A.D.A. Casey Novak: I don't have jurisdiction over crimes committed outside the city.
Detective Elliot Stabler: You could talk to the D.A. upstate.
A.D.A. Casey Novak: I already did. He's backing the warden's decision.
Detective Elliot Stabler: So Mollinax does thirty-four years for a murder he didn't commit, and now he's gonna do more time for a murder he never would've committed if he hadn't been locked up in the first place? Do you understand how crazy that is?


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Disrobed (#1.13)" (2000)
Detective Elliot Stabler: [a murder victim was shot in both the groin and the head] If it was a hit, he would have only been shot in one head.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Grief (#4.23)" (2003)
[after a father shoots his daughter's rapist/murderer]
Elliot Stabler: I could've stopped him. I should've known what Ray was gonna do.
Olivia Benson: How?
Elliot Stabler: I would have done the same thing.
Olivia Benson: No, you wouldn't.
Elliot Stabler: Well, wait 'til you're a parent.
Olivia Benson: Don't throw that crap at me, Elliot. You made a mistake.
Elliot Stabler: What?
Olivia Benson: You let Ray in.
Elliot Stabler: You're right, I did. He got to me. And now I'm responsible.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Fallacy (#4.21)" (2003)
Olivia Benson: You know the only one that came to support Cheryl was her sister?
Elliot Stabler: And you.
Olivia Benson: Yeah. But I'm not family.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Tangled (#3.5)" (2001)
George Huang: Do you gamble, Elliot?
Elliot Stabler: Only with birth control.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Families (#5.15)" (2004)
Steve Abruzzo: Teaching's my life. I would never do anything to hurt these girls.
Detective Elliot Stabler: I hope you're right.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Selfish (#10.19)" (2009)
[first lines; Stabler is at his desk]
Detective Elliot Stabler: That's it. I'm done.
Detective Olivia Benson: What do you mean, done?
Detective Elliot Stabler: Paperwork. It's like the first time in, like, five years.
Detective Olivia Benson: So we're actually gonna get out of here early?
Detective Elliot Stabler: Yeah. Move slowly so nobody notices.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Venom (#7.18)" (2006)
Detective Odafin "Fin" Tutuola: [to Stabler] Wait a minute, you're saying my son's not only a liar, he's a murderer too.
Elliot Stabler: Look, I don't know, but you're the first to admit you really don't know him.
Detective Odafin "Fin" Tutuola: Like you know yours, right? Tell me, is your daughter still driving drunk or has she moved up to something stronger?
Elliot Stabler: All right.
Detective Odafin "Fin" Tutuola: Next thing you know, she's gonna be swinging off a pole.
[the two of them begin fighting until Cragen pulls them apart]


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Denial (#3.21)" (2002)
Detective Elliot Stabler: Grace had three kids and two of them are dead, I don't like those odds.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Weak (#6.9)" (2004)
Dr. Rebecca Hendrix: [Questioning suspect] Have you ever had a girlfriend?
Thomas Mathers: Lots of guys don't find the right girl.
Detective Olivia Benson: That's true. I mean... Being single's not easy.
Thomas Mathers: You would not look at me twice if I asked you out. You would not give me the time of day, so don't pretend you understand what I'm going through. I don't need your pity.
Detective Elliot Stabler: You're just looking for the right girl. And one day you'll rape her and live happily ever after.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Counterfeit (#3.14)" (2002)
[Munch walks by on crutches]
Fin Tutuola: I can't wait to hear this.
John Munch: Your sympathy is overwhelming.
Olivia Benson: What happened to you?
John Munch: Skydiving, hard landing.
Elliot Stabler: He wiped out riding his friend's Harley.
Capt. Donald Cragen: Now the only thing he'll be riding is a desk.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Chameleon (#4.1)" (2002)
[while working on a case of a murdered "John"]
Fin Tutuola: Cause of death was between two and four hours ago... *pre-release*.
Elliot Stabler: Is that significant?
Fin Tutuola: No, that's just cold.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Vulnerable (#4.3)" (2002)
Det. Elliot Stabler: Mr. Sherman smoke?
Building Super: Only in between the times he quits.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Outsider (#8.12)" (2007)
Oliver Mitsakos: [Oliver backs into interrogation grate as Fin menacingly comes after him] I would never rape anyone; you gotta believe me.
Det. Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: Why? You lied about knowing Ming.
Oliver Mitsakos: She was in my class 3 years ago; she barely spoke; I barely remember her!
Det. Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: She remembers you. "Come to my office for a little one on one tutoring."
Oliver Mitsakos: I never said that!
Chester Lake: Well, what did you say?
Oliver Mitsakos: I - I told her that she needed extra help because her papers were poorly written.
Det. Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: [puts him in the chair] You're still lyin', kid; you flirted with her every day!
Chester Lake: [behind Oliver] You were aggressive.
Det. Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: And desperate.
Oliver Mitsakos: That was a long time ago.
Chester Lake: [leans in front of Oliver on his hands] Old wounds still burn. So you went back and raped all the women who've rejected you.
Oliver Mitsakos: [frustrated] No!
Chester Lake: Anna.
[slams picture on table]
Chester Lake: She dump you? Maya.
[slams her picture on the table]
Chester Lake: Break your heart? Rose.
[slams picture on table]
Chester Lake: Blow you off? Is that why you raped and murdered them?
Oliver Mitsakos: I don't know those people!
Chester Lake: [sits and cocks head] Let me tell you about them. You thought they were all Brooklyn trash. Nothin' but warm-ups for your ultimate target. Kara Bawson, your ex-fiance.
Oliver Mitsakos: [laughs and smiles with mirth] You're crazy.
Det. Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: Naw; you lost your meal ticket and your chance of getting rich quick.
Chester Lake: You wanted revenge.
Oliver Mitsakos: [leans forward] I didn't do anything. I swear.
Detective Elliot Stabler: [knock on door; Elliot enters] Fin. Moment?
[turns and exits so Fin can follow him]
Detective Elliot Stabler: You just got an emergency call, urgent.
[Chester comes out]
Det. Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: You can talk. That's Chet Lake, Brooklyn SVU.
Chester Lake: Chester.
[shakes Elliot's hand]
Detective Elliot Stabler: Elliot.
[sighs]
Detective Elliot Stabler: You got the wrong guy. Your perp just hit again. Victim's in the E.R. at Mercy. Name's Edie Rimpo.
[Chester and Fin look at each other shocked and walk away to go to Mercy and talk to Edie]


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Bound (#5.23)" (2004)
Olivia Benson: What the hell happened?
Detective Elliot Stabler: Heart attack.
Olivia Benson: That our victim?
Detective Elliot Stabler: No, he's the perp.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Taken (#2.8)" (2000)
[after Olivia's mother dies]
John Munch: Did you talk to Benson?
Elliot Stabler: Yeah.
John Munch: You know, my brother's a mortician in case she has any questions.
Elliot Stabler: You have a brother?


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Consent (#2.10)" (2001)
Detective Elliot Stabler: Sometimes the thought of Maureen in college scares the hell out of me.
Olivia Benson: I can see why it would.
Detective Elliot Stabler: It used to be college was all about BAs and PhDs.
Olivia Benson: Now it's roofies and GHB.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Careless (#5.18)" (2004)
Elliot Stabler: What about that autistic kid in Milwaukee last year? Parishioners held him down, they were laying on top of him to cure him.
Olivia Benson: That could explain the ring mark.
[walks around behind Cragen and wraps her arms around him to demonstrate]
Olivia Benson: Someone holds Jamie, he struggles, they hold him tighter.
Capt. Donald Cragen: [a little breathless] Until he can't breathe.
[Olivia removes her arms and walks around in front of him]
Capt. Donald Cragen: Thank you, I enjoyed that.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Repression (#3.1)" (2001)
Rebecca Ramsey: [after Megan is questioned about her father's death] Is there a point to these questions?
Olivia Benson: Your daughter planted evidence to incriminate him.
Rebecca Ramsey: And he raped her until she was 14. Maybe that evens things out.
Elliot Stabler: What about you?
Rebecca Ramsey: What about me?
Elliot Stabler: He molested your daughters. His death gives you a permanent order of protection.
Rebecca Ramsey: He should burn in hell for what he did to my daughters, but I didn't kill him.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Inheritance (#3.8)" (2001)
Olivia Benson: [Detectives Stabler and Benson want to interview a Chinese woman] It could take hours to track down a translator.
Elliot Stabler: Doc, can you translate?
George Huang: What, you just assume I speak Chinese?
Elliot Stabler: No, I heard you order take-out once.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Inconceivable (#9.14)" (2008)
Detective Elliot Stabler: You would be a great mother.
Detective Olivia Benson: Oh! I am not having this conversation with you.
Detective Elliot Stabler: You're good with kids. You should start thinking about having them. Whatever you do, I'll support you.
Detective Olivia Benson: Elliot, shut up and drive.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Loophole (#8.13)" (2007)
Detective Elliot Stabler: What do you always tell victims? Get help, but you're not following your own advice.
Detective Olivia Benson: What do you want me to do, Elliot, sue the chemical company? If I do, they will bury me in paperwork for the next 10 years, the kid could be dead by then.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Informed (#8.1)" (2006)
Detective Elliot Stabler: [after being knocked unconscious by an explosion and being carried towards an ambulance] You're a jinx.
FBI Agent Dana Lewis: Who, me?
Detective Elliot Stabler: Last year at the courthouse when I got shot, you were there. You're bad luck.
Paramedic #1: [Examining Stabler] No blood in his ear. It's probably not a skull fracture.
FBI Agent Dana Lewis: You hear that? You're gonna be fine.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Every time you show up I nearly get killed.
FBI Agent Dana Lewis: You're still above ground, hon. Maybe I'm your good luck charm.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Charisma (#6.7)" (2004)
George Huang: What's the first thing you remember seeing after entering the house?
Elliot Stabler: Dead bodies.
George Huang: Can you be more specific?
Elliot Stabler: A bunch of dead bodies.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Nocturne (#1.21)" (2000)
Kathy Stabler: So, what's going on at work?
[long pause]
Elliot Stabler: Nothing.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Dominance (#4.20)" (2003)
Detective Dave Duethorn: Yo, Lucates. Take this couple up to Homicide and have Kroling get their statements, alright?
Detective Elliot Stabler: [walking from behind] Detective Dave Duethorn. Missed dinner with my wife and kids; this better be good.
[they begin walking to the home]
Detective Dave Duethorn: Two naked women; fluids everywhere; both raped and shot in the head.
Detective Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: That's our bread and butter.
Detective Dave Duethorn: So, I guess the two head-shot naked guys with them are nothing special, right?
[they enter and Stabler looks back at Fin as a response to Duethorn's statement]
Detective Dave Duethorn: What do y'think?
Detective Elliot Stabler: Looks like the party from hell.
Detective Dave Duethorn: Dinner party, to be exact.
Detective Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: With an orgy for dessert.
Detective Dave Duethorn: Except they never made it to the appetizer.
[points]
Detective Dave Duethorn: Dining room table's still set. And check that out.
Detective Elliot Stabler: [reads] "Happy Engagement; share wonderful lives together." There's no signature; who's the unlucky couple here?
Detective Dave Duethorn: Evan Briggs and his fiancee Melissa Ziman. Other two are Dean McCarren and Regina Valerio. The couple who found them made the IDs. Evan and Melissa invited some grad school friends over to celebrate.
Detective Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: Not the type of evening you expect to turn into a sexual free-for-all.
Detective Dave Duethorn: I'm thinkin' home invasion.
[walks further into house as he talks]
Detective Dave Duethorn: Doorbell rings, victim opens door, wacko busts in and robs 'em.
Detective Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: You got four victims. Got to be at least two perps.
Detective Elliot Stabler: What did they take?
Dr. Melinda Warner: All the victims' jewelry. Marks on the men's wrists indicate they wore watches. The women wore necklaces.
Detective Dave Duethorn: Their wallets and IDs are also gone, along with Ms. Ziman's two-and-a-half carat engagement ring. The couple who found them told me she got it last week. Oh, and there's something else, right, Doc?
Dr. Melinda Warner: [bent down by a body] Both men were beaten, probably with the business end of an automatic.
Detective Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: Something must have set them off.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Pummeled the men and raped the women.
Dr. Melinda Warner: Not just the women.
Detective Dave Duethorn: Excuse me?
Dr. Melinda Warner: [turns to look at Duethorn] The men were raped, too.
[turns back to the downturned body]


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Persona (#10.8)" (2008)
Elliot Stabler: How did it go with Mia?
Olivia Benson: Lousy. She's in a shelter, but I pushed her into it.
Elliot Stabler: It's better than staying home and being a sitting duck for Mr. Guns & Ammo.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Impulsive (#9.3)" (2007)
Detective Elliot Stabler: Earl Romaine, you're under arrest for the rape of Shane Mills.
Earl Romaine: Screw you.
Detective Chester Lake: Sorry, you're not his type.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Monogamy (#3.11)" (2002)
Detective Elliot Stabler: I go home and I'm supposed to tell Kathy about my day? 'Honey, today some guy cut a baby out of a woman's stomach, pass the gravy please'.
Detective Olivia Benson: So you just don't talk? You don't tell her anything?
Detective Elliot Stabler: Well one of us has to sleep at night. She thinks I'm shutting her out.
Detective Olivia Benson: You are. It's what you do, Elliot, and if you don't watch it, you're going to lose the best thing you have.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Sugar (#11.2)" (2009)
Detective Elliot Stabler: [to a murder suspect] Do you hear gurgling? That's the sound of you drowning right now.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Possessed (#12.12)" (2011)
Elliot Stabler: I hope you die a slow, painful death! Have a nice day


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Risk (#4.12)" (2003)
[last lines]
Elliot Stabler: Seein' that shrink, did that help?
Olivia Benson: Not much.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Bang (#12.22)" (2011)
Ken Turner: Why do you have such a hard-on for me?
Detective Elliot Stabler: 'Cause you can't keep yours out of unsuspecting women.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Ghost (#6.16)" (2005)
A.D.A. Casey Novak: [after Liam Connors was released on his own recognizance] Arrest him.
Roger Kressler: What? This is ridiculous! You can't keep throwing bogus charges at my client!
A.D.A. Casey Novak: Your Honor, my detectives are here to rearrest the defendant.
Roger Kressler: On what charge?
A.D.A. Casey Novak: The murder of ADA Alexandra Cabot.
Roger Kressler: Your Honor, this is a blatant attempt to unlawfully detain my client!
Judge Lois Preston: Save it, counselor. Alex Cabot was a friend of mine. I'll see you both at arraignment.
Liam Connors: You can't prove I killed her.
Detective Elliot Stabler: [Handcuffing Liam] You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Influence (#7.22)" (2006)
Captain Donald Cragen: [Discussing Jamie's rape allegations] So she solicited two of her classmates so a third boy would have sex with her?
Detective Elliot Stabler: It looks that way.
Detective John Munch: When I was a kid, girls who had sex were afraid of being called sluts. Now they're auditioning for the title.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Demons (#7.1)" (2005)
Olivia Benson: [off-screen, Stabler walking within a scene] Tell me what happened.
Kelly Brown: [tearfully] I spent the weekend with my aunt in Pittsburgh. I took the bus back and was walking to the subway. And he grabbed me.
[gasping cries]
Kelly Brown: And he raped me.
Olivia Benson: Okay, take a big deep breath, honey; it's okay.
[to paramedic]
Olivia Benson: We should get her to Mercy.
[to Stabler]
Olivia Benson: I'll ride with her and get her statement at the hospital.
Elliot Stabler: I'll meet 'cha back at the house.
[walks away]
William Dorsey: [crosses police line, holding badge] Detective. William Dorsey, retired, out of the Six-Seven Squad.
Elliot Stabler: Elliot Stabler, Special Victims. Y'see something?
William Dorsey: I heard the call on my scanner. Got here as soon as I could. I can help.
Elliot Stabler: Tell you what: We appreciate that, but we got everything under control; thank you.
[starts walking away]
William Dorsey: Stabler.
[Elliot turns]
William Dorsey: Give me the time of day, I'll give you the perp.
[Elliot slowly, grimly begins walking toward him; begin credits]


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Remorse (#1.20)" (2000)
Prison Official: [after Elliot requests a list of prisoners who had contact with a rapist] Do you want a list or a disk?
Elliot Stabler: How many names are we talking about?
Prison Official: 6,322.
Elliot Stabler: Is there any way to separate them by age or race?
Prison Official: No.
Elliot Stabler: Disk.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Stalked (#1.8)" (1999)
[Stabler drove out of his way to check on Benson]
Olivia Benson: I sure as hell wouldn't drive all the way to Queens just to save *your* ass.
Elliot Stabler: Yeah, you would.
Olivia Benson: [pause] OK, but only because you have a wife and kids.
Elliot Stabler: Yeah.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Painless (#5.22)" (2004)
Dr. George Huang: It's ironic, her website gives her a reason to live.
Det. John Munch: Playing God with other people's lives? She's another Kevorkian.
Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: Come on, Munch, with all the stuff you' always whining about, don't tell me you never once thought about hanging it all up.
Det. John Munch: I believe life is worth living.
Elliot Stabler: Amen.
Olivia Benson: I'm not sure. If I had a disease like Huntington's and all I had to look forward to was a long and painful death, I can't say I wouldn't think about it.
A.D.A. Casey Novak: [to Olivia] Moredock is going to try and stack the jury with people like you.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Ace (#11.22)" (2010)
Dr. Kyle Beresford: Tell me something: who rapes a pregnant woman?
Detective Elliot Stabler: Well, for every kink, there's a perv with a dream.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Spectacle (#12.16)" (2011)
Detective Elliot Stabler: It's called the bystander effect. No one does anything because they think someone else will.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Obscene (#6.3)" (2004)
Detective Elliot Stabler: [listening to BJ Cameron on the radio] It is any wonder people want him to shut up?
A.D.A. Casey Novak: Nobody's forcing them to listen.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Quarry (#6.13)" (2005)
Detective Olivia Benson: Before you had kids, you ever worry what they'd be like?
Detective Elliot Stabler: All the time, I still do.
Detective Olivia Benson: At least you and Kathy know what you're passing on. Half my genes are drunk and the other half are violent and cruel.
[she walks away]
Detective Elliot Stabler: And look how great you turned out. It's not all about the genes, Liv. All you can do is love your kids.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Starved (#7.8)" (2005)
Detective Elliot Stabler: How do you know so much about speed dating?
Detective John Munch: Well, I went through a little dating slump.
Detective Odafin "Fin" Tutuola: Called adulthood.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Deception (#4.2)" (2002)
Detective John Munch: [finds the father dead and the house empty] Where's the rest of the Addams Family?
Detective Elliot Stabler: MIA.