Detective Elliot Stabler
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"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Payback (#1.1)" (1999)
Elliot Stabler: [after being asked why he joined SVU] I think sex should be one of the best experiences in life, not one of the worst.

Detective Elliot Stabler: Ok, so it's not robbery, but stabbings aren't necessarily sexual. You know sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. Is there a specific reason you called us out?
Bremmer: Whoever did this sliced off his cigar and took it with him. Is that specific enough?
Detective Olivia Benson: Works for me.

Detective John Munch: What about your erstwhile partner?
Detective Elliot Stabler: Oh, I'd love to John, but my presence is required in court this morning.
Detective Brian Cassidy: I read about it in the news. City councilman right?
Detective Elliot Stabler: Weenie wagger.

Detective Olivia Benson: [Stabler returns from testifying against a 'weenie wagger'] Hey, how'd it go?
Detective Elliot Stabler: He's in Bellevue.
Detective Olivia Benson: The jury came back that fast?
Detective Elliot Stabler: He waved his flag at 'em before they got the chance. Nobody saluted.

Captain Donald Cragen: Okay, Olivia, let's just say the vic had the misfortune of buying the wrong hack license. Spicer's the target. Who wanted him dead?
Detective John Munch: Whoever called the dispatcher.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Wow.
Detective Olivia Benson: Nice. Good stuff. Keep that.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Thanks, thanks a lot.
Detective John Munch: It never stops.
Detective John Munch: [to Cragen about donuts] You know they have more varieties than that.

Detective Elliot Stabler: That was the M.E. The stab wounds... 37 of them. This still reads gay to me.
Captain Donald Cragen: Panacek's prints are clean here, right?
Detective Elliot Stabler: Yes.
Captain Donald Cragen: So do this by the numbers. He's illegal, send a set to Interpol too.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Forensics report...
Captain Donald Cragen: What?
Detective Elliot Stabler: They found part of a fingernail in the front seat of the cab with red nail polish on it.
Detective Olivia Benson: Dispatcher said that he thought it might have been a woman who called about Spicer.
Captain Donald Cragen: Kind of undercuts your gay theory, huh?
Detective Elliot Stabler: Could be a he/she?
Captain Donald Cragen: Didn't two of Spicer's married johns take a bust?
Detective Olivia Benson: Yeah, about six months ago vice was targeting the piers.
Captain Donald Cragen: I'm sure their wives must have been thrilled.
Captain Donald Cragen: [Munch chuckles] What are you doing?
Detective John Munch: Eavesdropping.

Gallery Owner: My wife's bisexual, but she prefers women.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Oh, lucky for her.

[offers a bucket of licorice]
Captain Donald Cragen: You can't trust the computers. They get backed up and don't input the releases.
Detective Olivia Benson: That's why I talked to the watch captain and had then check personally to see if Spicer's still there.
Captain Donald Cragen: Well, why is this ours?
Detective Elliot Stabler: Doer sliced off the vic's unit.
[spits out licorice]

Det. Olivia Benson: I went down to the hack bureau. Our dead guy, Victor Spicer? His licence was suspened when he got 11 months for assault.
Elliot Stabler: And?
Det. Olivia Benson: He's still in Rikers.

Elliot Stabler: How do you know Stefan Tanzer?
Anya Rugova: He murdered my husband and my grandson with a hatchet, why?
Detective Olivia Benson: He was murdered sometime between Wednesday night and Thursday morning.
Anya Rugova: Good.

Detective Brian Cassidy: What's that?
Elliot Stabler: [handing a report to Cragen] Take a look at that. Fingerprint check on Pancek. I'd say that gives us a whole different kind of motive.
Captain Donald Cragen: [glancing at the report] See if any of the victims are in the New York area. Your partner may not like this.
Elliot Stabler: Why? It's a murder investigation.
Captain Donald Cragen: Yeah. Yeah, it is. Just don't let her forget we don't get to pick the vic.
[Much and Cassidy exchange confused glances]
Detective John Munch: Are we missing some key piece of information here?
Elliot Stabler, Captain Donald Cragen: Shut up, John.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Choreographed (#8.9)" (2006)
Steve: [Det. Stabler is roughing up a suspect with one broken arm in the interview room] Why do you got to be so rough?
Det. Elliot Stabler: Because you still have one arm to break.
Olivia Benson: Yeah, my partner has a real anger management problem. I thought he had it under control. Apparently, I was wrong.
Det. Elliot Stabler: [looks up to Benson who had just returned as his partner after his few weeks partnered up with Danni Beck] I've had a tough couple of weeks.
Olivia Benson: [to the suspect] Seriously. He WILL break your arm.

Det. Elliot Stabler: [after finding out that their suspect planted a microchip into his wife's body to see if she was cheating on him, which she was] Hmm... The guy invented a "Ho-Jack."

Det. John Munch: [regarding death threats] That's why none of my four ex-wives ever made good on their threats. There's nothing to inherit.
Det. Elliot Stabler: Except your Warren Commission memorabilia.

[last lines]
Olivia Benson: Love's a bitch.
Det. Elliot Stabler: Tell me about it.
Olivia Benson: You know, we've been partners all these years. I don't even know your blood type.
Det. Elliot Stabler: A-postiive.
Olivia Benson: How 'bout that? Me too.
Det. Elliot Stabler: [both enter elevator and turn and face door looking forward in thought] I'd give you a kidney.
Olivia Benson: Not if I gave you mine first.
[elevator doors close]

Det. John Munch: Technology's made it so much easier to spy on people, family, even strangers.
Det. Elliot Stabler: Not everybody's a snoop.
Det. John Munch: No? Do you use Spyware to find out what sites your kids visit online? Do you?
Det. Elliot Stabler: My kids don't go online unless I know where they're going.
Det. John Munch: Exactly, you call it being a concerned parent, I call it Big Brother.

Det. Elliot Stabler: You're out of line, Casey.
A.D.A. Casey Novak: What's your excuse?
Olivia Benson: Are you through with the character assassination?

Det. Elliot Stabler: You like to play with needles? You should learn to sterilize them.
Glenn Cheales: What's wrong with her?
Olivia Benson: She's septic. Now start talking.
Glenn Cheales: You don't understand, she has a liver condition.
Olivia Benson: We know all about it, now talk.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Goliath (#6.23)" (2005)
Det. Elliot Stabler: What was that about?
ADA Casey Novak: Oh, that was probably about another subpoena I sent out.
Det. Elliot Stabler: For what?
ADA Casey Novak: Donald Rumsfeld.

Sherm Hempell: Look, if you think I'm giving that up, you're on crack.
Det. Elliot Stabler: I'm on what?

Det. Elliot Stabler: You make it sound like they're poisoning their own troops, why would they do that?
Detective John Munch: I asked myself the same question a couple years back when the military started making soldiers take an experimental anthrax vaccine. Even after people died, they didn't stop until the Supreme Court ordered them to.

Det. Elliot Stabler: Wes Myers sacrificed his family once when he left them for Afghanistan, he has no family now, he doesn't deserve that.

Dr. George Huang: I don't think it's PTSD.
Det. Elliot Stabler: Why not?
Dr. George Huang: Callahan reports no change in his sleep patterns or eating habits. He exhibits no exaggerated startle reflex. His nightmares are vivid and bizarre; more like hallucinations. And he experiences paranoia and suicidal ideation.
Detective Olivia Benson: So if it's not P.T.S.D., what is causing all this?
Dr. George Huang: Well, if this were an isolated case, I'd say that he might have developed schizo-affective disorder. Or, it could be organic. A brain tumor, for instance.
Det. Elliot Stabler: But it's not isolated. It's two different guys. What are the odds they'd both come down with the same disorder?
Dr. George Huang: It's next to impossible. Which leaves us with an environmental cause. Both soldiers affected by the same toxin.
Detective Olivia Benson: Gulf War Syndrome has been blamed on everything from chemical weapons to depleted uranium bullets.
Det. Elliot Stabler: Yeah, and the Marines gave me a physical when I finished my tour. I'll be the Army does the same thing.

Dr. Trainer: [Location and date title: Fort Crompton Base Clinic, Wednesday, April 6] Actually, D.O.D. says post-deployment physicals are optional for soldiers now.
Detective Olivia Benson: Did Wes Myers or Tom Callahan opt to take one?
Dr. Trainer: No, ma'am. Just filled out the required health questionnaire.
Det. Elliot Stabler: Either man report any problems?
Dr. Trainer: [looking down at a survey] Not a thing.
Det. Elliot Stabler: Could we take a look at the surveys?
Dr. Trainer: Can't make that call for you, Detective. Have to take it up with the unit commander.

Det. Elliot Stabler: Our shrink ruled out P.T.S.D. Both men were hallucinating, uh, violent, suicidal.
Dr. Trainer: Any other symptoms?
Detective Olivia Benson: Vivid dreams, paranoia...
Det. Elliot Stabler: Not to mention they both attacked their wives.
Dr. Trainer: [smiles, shakes head, shrugs] There's really nothing I can do to help you.
[walks outside]
Det. Elliot Stabler: Sir, Sir. I was in the Marines, so... I understand the need for discretion but we got a pattern here.
Dr. Trainer: You'll have to take it up with the Pentagon, Detectives. I'm sorry.
[goes down steps and walks away while Olivia and Elliot look at each other in question]

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Web (#7.21)" (2006)
[last lines]
Detective Elliot Stabler: What're you doing here?
Detective Olivia Benson: I work here.
[sits back at her desk with a smile]

Detective Elliot Stabler: [walking in on Morales beating up Dr. Lucas, Olivia moves forward] Wait!
Detective Olivia Benson: For what, Morales to beat him to death?

Detective Elliot Stabler: Why'd you disobey the captain's order?
TARU Tech Ruben Morales: If I shut down Teddy's site, they'll go somewhere else. My sister is a single mother, she has a 12 year old son, latch key kid, goes online to make friends. Somebody suggested they meet so they could see a movie together. He showed up, the guy was a 44 year old man, took him to a hotel room and raped him. I gave him the computer.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Did they catch the guy?
TARU Tech Ruben Morales: No.

Det. Elliot Stabler: What the hell are you doing here?
Donna Geysen: Your conversational skills are what I like most about you.

Ralph Zessner: If I tell you where the nest is, will you let me go?
Detective Elliot Stabler: [yelling] Hey I'm not here to bargain with you! How about I send the transcript of your web chat to your family, your neighbors, the parents of the kids you teach, huh?

Detective Elliot Stabler: What are you playing?
Teddy Winnock: It's called a video game. You're not very smart, are you?
Detective Elliot Stabler: I have my moments.

Det. Elliot Stabler: A minor shooting kiddie porn. That's a new one.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Fault (#7.19)" (2006)
Det. Elliot Stabler: I'm calling for backup.
Det. Olivia Benson: Tell them we can't wait.

Elliot Stabler: If that sniper hadn't beaten you to it... I know you would have taken that shot, Olivia.
Olivia Benson: No, I wouldn't have. Did you really expect me to? Did you really expect me to cause your death? What about your kids?
Elliot Stabler: I don't know. I just couldn't get that boy out of my head.
Olivia Benson: [softly] What about me?
Elliot Stabler: Look, we both chose each other over the job. We can never let that happen again. Otherwise... we can't be partners.
Olivia Benson: I can't believe you're saying that.
Elliot Stabler: Look, you and this job are about the only things that I've got got anymore. I don't want to wreck that. I couldn't take it.
[walks away]

Det. Elliot Stabler: We can't be partners.
Olivia Benson: I can't believe you're saying that.

Elliot Stabler: [after Olivia was stabbed by Gitano, and Elliot ran to her,instead of going after Gitano] Olivia! Oh my god, no!
[Dropping to her side]
Olivia Benson: It's okay, I'm okay. Where's Gitano? Go Elliot, go, I'm fine. Go!

George Huang: [Elliot went to see Huang after feeling guilty because he went to save Olivia instead of going after Gitano. Gitano ended up killing a boy that Elliot could have saved] In situations like this there is no good choice. Every choice becomes a sacrifice.
Elliot Stabler: Not true.
George Huang: You had to choose between saving the little boy or saving Olivia
Elliot Stabler: Yeah, but she didn't need me.
George Huang: You didn't know that.
Elliot Stabler: [Long pause. Elliot was deep in thought] I wish I didn't...
George Huang: Didn't what... didn't care so much? Elliot that's what makes you a good partner
Elliot Stabler: She made me turn away.
George Huang: How? How did she make you do anything?
Elliot Stabler: [Another long pause] She didn't. It was my choice; nobody else was responsible for it, but me.
[Elliot walks out of the office, looking upset]

Olivia Benson: Is there something you want to say to me? Because if you do, then let's hear you say it.
Elliot Stabler: [Obviously angry] Why didn't you shoot Gitano?
Olivia Benson: He was using the child as a shield.
Elliot Stabler: [Still angry] How could you let him get so close to you?
Olivia Benson: There were innocent civilians around. I couldn't get a shot
Elliot Stabler: Well you got close and Ryan's dead.
Olivia Benson: So this is my fault?
Elliot Stabler: [Starting to yell,while walking away] I can't do this anymore. I can't be looking over my shoulder, making sure you're okay.
Olivia Benson: You son of a bitch, you know that's not true.
Elliot Stabler: [Yelling even louder] I need to know you can do your job and not wait for me to come to your rescue.

Det. Elliot Stabler: [setting up a sting for a kidnapper at a ticket window] Just relax and do what you normally do, okay?
Western Union Agent: This *is* what I normally do.
Det. Elliot Stabler: Do it without looking terrified.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Countdown (#2.15)" (2001)
Dickie Stabler: [Getting pudding for him and Elizabeth from Munch for their birthday] It's fuzzy and black.
Detective Elliot Stabler: It *is* fuzzy and black.

Elliot Stabler: Pick up the phone.
John Munch: The wacko on line 1 or the psychotic on line 2?

[Benson and Stabler are going to a party store to try to find a suspect]
Elliot Stabler: While we're there, remind me to get party tape for the twins' birthday party. I don't want to have to use crime scene tape.

John Munch: [Fin starts to put eye drops in his eyes] Can I have some?
Fin Tutuola: No.
John Munch: Please?
Fin Tutuola: No.
John Munch: Come on!
Fin Tutuola: Can't share eye drops, that's how you get pinkeye.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Just give him the eye drops.

Detective Elliot Stabler: [snapping at each other] You always do this, Munch! You always put a lid back on an empty can.
John Munch: That's how I am.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Bombshell (#12.19)" (2011)
Detective Elliot Stabler: This is my wife Olivia. I am Elliot.

Cassandra Davina: I can't believe you've arrested me, I'm a victim.
Detective Elliot Stabler: You're a con artist. Sit down.

Cassandra Davina: You know what? I knew you were smarter than all the rest.
Detective Elliot Stabler: You really can't help yourself, can you?

Detective Olivia Benson: It's still incest.
Detective Elliot Stabler: "Twincest".

Detective Olivia Benson: You sure this guy's out here? The only thing I've seen in the last half hour is a five pound rat.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Yeah, you've got it bad? I just saw a transvestite that looks like Munch.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Perverted (#11.9)" (2009)
Detective Elliot Stabler: [Cragen tells Elliot to kick in a door, which Elliot's just busted his foot doing] I tried that already, either I'm getting older or the door's getting stronger.

Detective Elliot Stabler: [looks in Olivia's fridge] You have absolutely no food in here.
Detective Olivia Benson: There's this great thing, it's called delivery.

Detective Elliot Stabler: Are you okay?
Detective Olivia Benson: Yeah... I think I'm finally getting over this flu.

[Coming up to a crime scene where a biker is tied to a tree, pants pulled down with a bloody crotch area]
Detective Elliot Stabler: Dispatcher's a comedian. He wrote this up as a sexually mutilated tree-hugger.
Dr. Melinda Warner: [Referring to victims genitals] Someone did some illegal pruning. Left the berries, chopped the branch clean off.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Perp take it as a trophy?
Dr. Melinda Warner: Thought so at first, then CSU saw a squirrel run up that tree with it.
Detective Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: I thought squirrels preferred nuts.

Detective Elliot Stabler: [Telling Benson about the victim missing genitalia] Clyde Vandyne, our dead biker with the missing kickstand.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Limitations (#1.14)" (2000)
Det. Elliot Stabler: You *prayed* with your rapist?

Police Commissioner Lyle Morris: I heard we have a guy who likes to masturbate on the Midtown bus.
Captain Donald Cragen: Yes, Detectives Stabler and Benson made an arrest yesterday.
Police Commissioner Lyle Morris: Did they?
Detective Olivia Benson: Yes.
Det. Elliot Stabler: He has multiple priors.
Police Commissioner Lyle Morris: Well, let's hope they clean the seats.

Detective Olivia Benson: He was paroled on February 10, 1996 with an injury condition. He was raped in prison.
Det. Elliot Stabler: I'll cry about that later.

Det. Elliot Stabler: Ms. Kraft! You didn't hear the rest of the ruling. It's not over.
Detective Olivia Benson: It's going to be okay.
Victoria Kraft: No, it's not!
[Looking at Cragen]
Victoria Kraft: 5 years your people were sitting on your ass, 5 years you waited for this half-cocked legal maneuver. 5 years I've waited just to hear another person in a long list of others say "Sorry Vicki, you got raped, and we're not going to do jack about it." Thank you for making this the second worst day of my life. I think we all know what the first is.

Detective Olivia Benson: This guy just stopped?
Det. Elliot Stabler: Eh, maybe he just started wearing a condom.
Detective John Munch: A very thoughtful rapist.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Wrong Is Right (#2.1)" (2000)
[about the murder Stabler is investigating]
Dr. Emil Skoda: You let this one get under your skin. Why?
Detective Elliot Stabler: This one my daughter saw.

Detective Olivia Benson: [after seeing Skoda] How'd it go?
Detective Elliot Stabler: I talk too much.

Detective Elliot Stabler: What're you doing up?
Maureen Stabler: Couldn't sleep.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Have a nightmare?
Maureen Stabler: You have to sleep to have nightmares, Dad.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Of course, what was I thinking?

Detective Elliot Stabler: You think Michael liked what Andrew was doing to him?
Danny Burrell: You tell me, the guy's 6'2, benches what, 220 pounds, he could've kicked Andrew's ass if he didn't like him doing him.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Michael was only 8 when he started doing him, 8 year olds can't fight back. Now you tell me where a 16 year old's supposed to turn to when his best friend turns on him.

Detective Elliot Stabler: What is it with you kids?
Maureen Stabler: It's hard to talk to adults. You're always judging us. You expect us to be like you and you get mad if we don't. It's just easier to talk to our friends.
Detective Elliot Stabler: What if you don't have any friends?
Maureen Stabler: Everyone has friends.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Who do you talk to?
Maureen Stabler: Dad.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Do you talk to Ryan Witherspoon?
Maureen Stabler: More than you talk to Mom.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Streetwise (#9.11)" (2008)
Detective Olivia Benson: Where's Josie?
Cole Roderick: Haven't seen her for weeks.
Detective Elliot Stabler: What kind of father are you, don't even know where your children are?

Captain Donald Cragen: That kid's starving.
Detective Elliot Stabler: You want us to bribe her with food?
Detective Olivia Benson: Coercion is more like it.
Captain Donald Cragen: Intervention isn't always pretty.

Detective Elliot Stabler: So what happened that night?
Josie: Cassidy heard the rich girl call my dad a name.
Detective Olivia Benson: And what name was that?
Josie: Stupid fag. That's a no-no. Time for S.O.S.
Detective Olivia Benson: S.O.S.?
Josie: Stomp On Sight.

Detective Elliot Stabler: Look at her, eyes gouged out, her cheeks split from ear to ear.
Cassidy Cornell: Please, stop!
Detective Olivia Benson: Stop? I'll bet that's what Josie said, only Cole wouldn't listen. The M.E. says she was tortured for over 12 hours.

Cassidy Cornell: They never had any time for me except to nag. 'Don't slouch dear, eat your vegetables, call your tutor, get to your lessons, keep up your grades or you won't get into a good college!' They smothered me with their rules.
Detective Elliot Stabler: They acted like parents.
Cassidy Cornell: No! I'm a parent and I would NEVER act that way.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Yeah, and now six people are dead.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Birthright (#6.1)" (2004)
Elliot Stabler: [Speaking to scared little girl who has to ID a perp] I want to show you something. You see that window? It's magic. Cause anyone that's standing here, they can't see through it can they?

Captain Donald Cragen: Three thousand dollars' worth of damage to the car?
Elliot Stabler: What can I tell you? I zigged when I should've zagged.

Elliot Stabler: [summing up to Casey how it feels to be a parent] I would die for my children, and there's not a thing that would change that, ever.

Elliot Stabler: 'And Solomon said "Bring me a sword, divide the living child in two and give half to one and half to the other."'
ADA Casey Novak: But I can't split the child.
Elliot Stabler: [looks at her] Solomon didn't have to.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Poison (#5.24)" (2004)
Judge Oliver Taft: Ms. Novak, I'm afraid the People haven't met their burden of proving the interview wasn't suggestive. Therefore the defense motion to suppress the witness' testimony is granted.
Detective Elliot Stabler: This is a joke.
Judge Oliver Taft: I beg your pardon, Detective Stabler?
Detective Elliot Stabler: I said this is a joke.
Judge Oliver Taft: You'd be wise to remember no one cares what you think once you're out of that box, Detective.
Detective Elliot Stabler: That interview wasn't suggestive.
A.D.A. Casey Novak: Elliot, stop.
Detective Elliot Stabler: You're one of these judges who thinks cops strong-arms witnesses in order to make their case. What, do you think I bullied a seven-year-old into lying?
A.D.A. Casey Novak: Elliot, leave!
Judge Oliver Taft: No, Elliot, stay. Enjoy the hospitality of our holding cells. You're in contempt. Officer of the court, escort the Detective out of here.

Detective Elliot Stabler: [to Casey] And you complain about my ego.
Judge Mary Clark: [to Elliot] You didn't help matters any by arguing with a federal judge.

Detective Elliot Stabler: What good does it do to ruin your career?
A.D.A. Casey Novak: If this is justice, I don't want this career.

A.D.A. Casey Novak: I want Taft off the bench.
Detective Elliot Stabler: And I want a '65 Stingray.
A.D.A. Casey Novak: I'm serious, I'm going after him.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Casey, don't do this, what good does it do to kill your career?
A.D.A. Casey Novak: If this is justice, I don't want this career.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Abomination (#5.8)" (2003)
[the detectives are investigating the murder of a gay man - they have in custody a reverend who was protesting at his funeral]
Det. Elliot Stabler: [reading his file] Reverend Mitchell Shaw... you really get around. Protesting in Vermont, at the Supreme Court... cheering at the funeral of a six-year-old who died of AIDS.
Det. Olivia Benson: Maybe you should switch to a career in publicity.
Rev. Mitchell Shaw: The Lord asked me to do his work.
Det. Elliot Stabler: Did he ask you to ignore all that, uh, "love thy neighbor" stuff?
Rev. Mitchell Shaw: "If a man lie with mankind as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination. They shall surely be put to death, their blood is upon them." Leviticus.
Det. Elliot Stabler: The Bible also says I can sell my daughters into slavery and be put to death if I work on a Sunday. 12 years of Catholic school. Anyone can memorize words, Reverend. Doesn't make 'em righteous.
Rev. Mitchell Shaw: The city is filled with sodomites and you waste your time protecting them, and yet you wonder why so many of your NYPD brothers were struck down on September 11th. Do you not see the Lord's judgment upon you?
[Elliot shoves away the table and gets right in Shaw's face]
Det. Elliot Stabler: I see a scared, shriveled-up piece of trash who uses God to justify his bigotry.

Elliot Stabler: [reading a gay victim's hate mail] " 'All queers will burn in the flames of hell,' so sayeth the Lord." Somehow I don't think that's a direct quote.

Det. Elliot Stabler: Go back in there and strangle the son of a bitch.
Detective John Munch: I love the guy. I want to invite him to the Christmas party.

Det. Elliot Stabler: I don't know, I guess some people just choose to be gay and others choose to be straight.
Det. Olivia Benson: So you chose to be heterosexual?
Det. Elliot Stabler: Me? No.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Fat (#7.20)" (2006)
Detective Lucius Blaine: [after having a fight with Stabler] Sorry about your shirt.
Det. Elliot Stabler: Sorry about your face.

Captain Donald Cragen: You know why I put Blaine with you?
Det. Elliot Stabler: Cause you started drinking again?

Captain Donald Cragen: [as Elliot is walking out of the interrogation room] He say anything?
Det. Elliot Stabler: Yeah, get me a soda
Captain Donald Cragen: He needs to ease up on the soda

Det. Elliot Stabler: What happened?
Detective Lucius Blaine: They took him to the hospital, had to cut off one of his feet. I guess a murder conviction doesn't mean much when you're already facing a death sentence.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Sophomore Jinx (#1.6)" (1999)
[the detectives are requiring a sperm sample from Couger and another young man]
Riley Couger: I can't do this.
Elliot Stabler: You have a fight with your right hand? Sure you can.

Elliot Stabler: [staring at the place where a body has been found that is covered in flowers and such] Just once, I want to see people take a little bit of a breather before they let the healing begin. Look at this. 'Enrolled in God's college now. We love you, Jeanne.'
Olivia Benson: Come on Elliot. It's a spontaneous outpouring of emotion.
Elliot Stabler: I'm just saying, If ever go down, you better make sure the place where my body is found doesn't EVER look like this or I will haunt you for the rest of your days.
Olivia Benson: Gotcha.

[Stabler catches his daughter sneaking into the house at two in the morning]
Elliot Stabler: Out, nothing, nobody. Those are your answers to me?
Maureen Stabler: Uh-huh.
Elliot Stabler: Fine. You're busted. You're grounded. Go to your room.
Maureen Stabler: Wait, for how long?
Elliot Stabler: Until I got some answers or you turn eighteen, whichever comes first.

Olivia Benson: [searching for their murder weapon] What if he pushes her down the stairs? This whole time, we've been assuming that the rock hit her.
Elliot Stabler: Maybe she hit the rock.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Alternate (#9.1)" (2007)
Det. Elliot Stabler: [pregnant Kathy carries in a laundry basket] Honey, you shouldn't be lifting heavy things. Just leave it there, I'll do it.
Kathleen Stabler: She's not supposed to be pregnant!
[to Kathy]
Kathleen Stabler: You're too old, I'm in college - people will think it's mine.

Dr. George Huang: Tell me about her alters.
Detective Olivia Benson: So far we've seen Dr. Young, a little girl, and a mean Russian.
Det. Elliot Stabler: And I bet she does a great Christopher Walken too.

Detective Olivia Benson: Tammy was just about to tell us where Burt took April when Petra showed up and bitch slapped Elliot.
Det. Elliot Stabler: Yeah, I'd like to have 5 minutes alone with Burt.

Sergeant John Munch: You can't talk to her.
Det. Elliot Stabler: John, I don't care if they crowned you Chief of D's, I'm not taking orders from you.
Sergeant John Munch: You can't talk to Froot Loops because her lawyer's in with her.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Prodigy (#3.13)" (2002)
[last lines]
Elliot Stabler: [to a rapist/cop killer] That year you're doing on your head... add 25 more and choke on it.

[after finding a dead couple in a park]
Olivia Benson: He's got a wedding ring, is this a married couple?
Elliot Stabler: Trust me, married couples don't have sex in parks.

Elliot Stabler: Tidy...
Olivia Benson: It could use a splash of color.
Elliot Stabler: [points to black, gray, white and red painting on the wall] There ya are...
Olivia Benson: Blood red wasn't what I had in mind.

Elliot Stabler: [to Henry's mother] So, *did* he wet his bed?

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Torch (#11.21)" (2010)
Detective Olivia Benson: We'll never find the smoking gun.
Detective Elliot Stabler: We have a smoking house.
Detective Olivia Benson: We can't burn a house down.
A.D.A. Jo Marlowe: ...I can.

Detective Elliot Stabler: What'd you call us down for?
A.D.A. Jo Marlowe: Well, when you got two dead little girls, the Ledger's gonna run it on the front page.
Detective Elliot Stabler: So you want answers before they hit you with the questions.
A.D.A. Jo Marlowe: Yeah. The only time I like to be surprised with my pants down is on my birthday.

Detective Elliot Stabler: [tackling an arson suspect] Where you going? You're running like your pants are on fire.
Detective Olivia Benson: [holding up a hand-held blowtorch the suspect dropped] Well, what do you know? They nearly were.

[Benson is surprised to find out Stabler's old partner is female]
Detective Elliot Stabler: What are you talking about? I've been telling you Jo Marlowe stories for years.
Detective Olivia Benson: Except the one where Jo is actually a woman.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: P.C. (#11.13)" (2010)
Babs Duffy: What's your problem, Stabler?
Detective Elliot Stabler: Have you looked in the mirror lately?
Babs Duffy: You don't want me as an enemy?
Detective Elliot Stabler: Well, I'm pretty damn sure I don't want you as a friend either.
Babs Duffy: Oh, good. Because a friend would tell you, your ass is huge. I mean shouldn't you work out? Really, it's like it came down the back of your pants...
Detective Olivia Benson: [interrupts her] We're still on the case, Babs. And if we need any help, we'll be sure to call you.
[they walk away]
Babs Duffy: Alright, but how hard can it be? I mean look, I don't expect Assy McBigpants to catch anybody, but Benson, you seem pretty on the ball.

Detective Olivia Benson: Our rapist has a website?
Detective Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: Plus a bunch of songs you can download.
Detective Elliot Stabler: It's a heavy metal band.
Detective Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: Death metal, more like. Think Black Sabbath or Judas Priest, only sicker and more violent.

Trey Greenway: Wait. A vampire cannot enter a room unless he's invited.
Detective Elliot Stabler: [pushing Greenway into the interrogation room] Here's your invitation.

A.D.A. Alexandra Cabot: [Stabler had promised to get a confession from a suspect] That was quick. She didn't punch you again, did she?
Detective Elliot Stabler: Ah, you know some women just don't want to talk man to man.
Babs Duffy: [entering] Stabler!
Detective Elliot Stabler: I wish she'd refuse to talk to me.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Merchandise (#12.4)" (2010)
Dr. Melinda Warner: Fractures of the zygomatic socket, scapula, radius and ulna.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Well it makes sense. We've got witnesses who saw our Jane Doe get hit by a cab, running out of the Farmers Market.
Detective Olivia Benson: So why'd you call us in for a traffic fatality?
Dr. Melinda Warner: Because I know how to do my job - I was shot in the lung, not the head.

Detective Elliot Stabler: How'd Huang take the bad news?
Detective Odafin Tutuola: If I were you, I'd keep my distance. I didn't know he used that kind of language.

Captain Donald Cragen: [about the father] Well, the only thing he's guilty of is poor judgment. A lot of kids get jobs, Elliot.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Well, whatever happened to a childhood?
Captain Donald Cragen: The work was legal, cut him loose.
Detective Olivia Benson: Should I call Child Services to have them pick up the daughters?
Captain Donald Cragen: They're not abused, they're clean and well-fed.
Detective Elliot Stabler: And homeless.
Captain Donald Cragen: Which isn't a criminal act, and I'm not separating this family for anything less.

Detective Elliot Stabler: No lights, no sirens, if we spook them, they'll put those kids down.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Mercy (#4.14)" (2003)
Dr. Melinda Warner: [arriving at the crime scene] Please tell me this isn't what I think it is.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Afraid so.
Dr. Melinda Warner: Give me a minute.

Detective Elliot Stabler: If you don't want your baby, there are other options.
Detective Olivia Benson: Not for the girl who dumps her newborn into the river.

Detective Elliot Stabler: Now since when does the pediatrician write a prescription for the parent?

Roger Swanson: You ever talk to me like that again, I'm going to report you to the Police Commissioner. I play golf with him.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Does he know about your handicap?
Roger Swanson: What handicap?
Detective Elliot Stabler: The one that makes you slap your wife around. Oh good, I see I got your attention. You ever lay a hand on your wife or your daughters again, I'm gonna pay you a visit.
Roger Swanson: Is that a threat?
Detective Elliot Stabler: ...Yeah.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Resilience (#4.10)" (2002)
Elliot Stabler: Either you let them rape your daughter or your husband took their semen out of you and did it himself.
Angie Landricks: That's disgusting.
Elliot Stabler: [screams at her] You're disgusting! You are!... Your own child!

Elliot Stabler: Can you tell me who James Randall is?
Sally Landricks: He lives with us.
Elliot Stabler: Is he... old like me?
Sally Landricks: Worse.

Elliot Stabler: Can you tell me who these are?
Sally Landricks: That's Phillip and Antwone.
Elliot Stabler: And who's their mom?
Sally Landricks: Mom is.
Elliot Stabler: But who's their real mom?
Sally Landricks: My mom is, stupid. They're my brothers.

Miranda Bowen: Detectives, we've got a problem. There's no record on these two
Miranda Bowen: , no phones, no addresses.
Elliot Stabler: Angie Landricks say anything?
Miranda Bowen: Nothing I can repeat.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Soulless (#4.25)" (2003)
[Talking to Vienna, the girl who last saw the vicitm]
Elliot Stabler: You were at AirBar with her.
Vienna Sterling: No I wasn't.
Olivia Benson: Really?
[grabs Vienna's hand and shines UV light on it to reveal an elephant stamp]
Vienna Sterling: What are you doing?
Olivia Benson: Well, Elephant says you were.
Elliot Stabler: And they never forget.

Olivia Benson: This is a capital offense, Mitch. Looks like you're going away forever.
Mitch Wilkens, aka Max Van Horn: Don't worry. I'll write.
Elliot Stabler: Well, we did a little digging. You don't own that brownstone where you were living. You never paid rent. You had no lease.
Olivia Benson: It's owned by an elderly woman called Emily Owens. No family, most of her friends have died, and we can't find her.
Mitch Wilkens, aka Max Van Horn: Huh.
Elliot Stabler: Eric, everybody, including your own mother, believes that you are beyond redemption. That's not true. This woman deserves a proper burial. You know that's the right thing. Where is she?
Mitch Wilkens, aka Max Van Horn: Gee, I don't know. I guess I'm going away for a while, so I should probably give notice.
Court Officer: Let's go.
Mitch Wilkens, aka Max Van Horn: [Mitch is led away in handcuffs, and looks back over his shoulder at Benson and Stabler] Do let me know if you find her.

Olivia Benson: You're either born with a conscience or you aren't.
Elliot Stabler: No no no, it's all in how you're raised.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Zebras (#10.22)" (2009)
Detective Elliot Stabler: [hands off a mentally unstable suspect to a uniformed officer] Take Zombie Boy to the prison word at Bellevue. Do not pass go. Don't collect $200.

[a paperwork error of Stuckey's has allowed a murderer to walk free]
Detective Elliot Stabler: I'm gonna kill him.
Forensics Tech Ryan O'Halloran: I'll hide the body.

[Olivia has rescued Elliot from Stuckey]
Detective Elliot Stabler: How'd you know?
Detective Olivia Benson: Stuckey said you went out for sushi. You and raw fish?

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Hell (#10.17)" (2009)
Storekeeper: I can spot a booster from a mile away, so I threw her out before she could steal anything. I checked her panda on the way out.
Detective Elliot Stabler: You checked what, her panda?
Storekeeper: Her backpack.

[a young girl got her throat slashed, but the cold weather slowed her heart rate down]
Detective Elliot Stabler: So nearly freezing to death saved her life. That's one hell of a lucky break.

Dr. Kyle Beresford: When I asked who attacked her, she drew this.
[the doctor hands Fin a child's drawing]
Detective Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: The devil?
Detective Elliot Stabler: Welcome to hell.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Bedtime (#11.18)" (2010)
Rita Wills: I made love to him. But then, my friend came early.
Detective Elliot Stabler: What friend?
Detective Olivia Benson: She's talking about her period.

Detective Elliot Stabler: Liv, I found the sheets and they are definitely bloody... among other things.

Detective Elliot Stabler: We disturb Cal Cutler's eternal rest for nothing.
Dr. Melinda Warner: You didn't disturb him.
Detective Elliot Stabler: I was speaking metaphorically.
Dr. Melinda Warner: I meant it literally.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Penetration (#12.8)" (2010)
Detective Elliot Stabler: She's not going to be happy until I'm dead.

FBI Agent Dana Lewis: The PAT's plan was to spark a revolution by killing a cop. And you guys served up that state trooper on a silver platter. Then, after all of New York's finest would attend the funeral, they would just blow everybody else up.
[Lewis tosses a grenade towards Stabler and he catches it]
Detective Elliot Stabler: Hey, hey. I don't have a good track record with you and explosives.
[Nervously hands grenade back to her]
FBI Agent Dana Lewis: Oh relax Nancy. The pin is in it.

Detective Elliot Stabler: Control include that van you were in getting blown up?
FBI Agent Dana Lewis: That was an unscheduled boom-boom which wouldn't have happened had you bozos not sicced the state trooper on us.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Transitions (#10.14)" (2009)
Ellen Van Kuren: When Henry was 4, he walked into the living room in his cousin's tutu and announced he was a girl.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Lot of boys go through dress up phases, my oldest boy used to wear his mom's high heels.
Ellen Van Kuren: Did your son try cutting off his penis with a nail clipper and scream God made a mistake?

Detective Elliot Stabler: Where'd you get the black eye?
Ellen Van Kuren: Hailey... I caught her climbing in the window at 2 in the morning Monday night, I demanded to know where she was, we had an argument, and she punched me.
Detective Olivia Benson: Monday night was when Mark was attacked.
Ellen Van Kuren: Oh... oh my God.

Henry: What would you do? If your son came home in a dress, would you still love him?
Detective Elliot Stabler: I would try to understand. It would be hard and I'd probably make a lot of mistakes. But I'd never stop loving him.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Russian Love Poem (#1.12)" (2000)
[last lines]
Detective Elliot Stabler: And for this they come to America.

Detective Elliot Stabler: I'm sure sleeping with the girlfriend of a Russian mobster had a certain...
[speaking French]
Detective Elliot Stabler: je ne sais quoi.
Detective Olivia Benson: Je ne sais quoi?
Detective Elliot Stabler: Yeah.
[More French]
Detective Elliot Stabler: N'est-ce pas.
Captain Donald Cragen: One language at a time, merci.

Detective Elliot Stabler: One question, did you and Sonya put the banana in Andrew's rear end?
Katya Ivanova: Yes, he is allergic. But if that is what killed him, it was an honest mistake.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Angels (#4.6)" (2002)
M.E. Melinda Warner: [using Elliot to demonstrate how a victim's throat was cut after his genitals were removed] An amateur would have cut Jansen's throat straight across. Your guy cut the carotid artery, here and here. The other part...
Det. Elliot Stabler: [steps away, quickly] You don't need to demonstrate that part.

Det. Elliot Stabler: Somebody kicked the crap out of this kid.

Det. Elliot Stabler: You have sex with your stepson and you don't think there's anything wrong with that? What kind of sick bastard are you?

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Night (#6.20)" (2005)
Captain Donald Cragen: Elliot in here now.
Eleanor Duvall: Dective Stabler. Gabriel says that you entered his apartment and threatened him?
Detective Elliot Stabler: Yes. I was conducting an investigation. A colleague of mine was beaten nearly to death in her office.
Eleanor Duvall: Well, if you had investigated further you would have known that Gabriel was out having dinner.
Detective Elliot Stabler: I didn't know that at the time.
Eleanor Duvall: Tell me Detective Stabler do you like your job?
Detective Elliot Stabler: Yes I do.
Eleanor Duvall: You have 42 prior arrests that's very commendable. But I know the mayor of this town. Don't make me go to him.

Detective Elliot Stabler: [after being chewed out by Eleanor Duvall for arresting her son] Captain...
Captain Donald Cragen: Save it, I probably would've put Gabriel Duvall through a window.

Captain Donald Cragen: Let Casey talk to her.
Detective Elliot Stabler: She's not back at work yet, I don't think she wants anyone to see her.
Captain Donald Cragen: Exactly.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Legacy (#2.4)" (2000)
Detective Elliot Stabler: It's the classic he says she says with a twist, mom blames the dad, dad blames the stepfather.

Detective Elliot Stabler: As sad as it sounds, that little girl's probably safer in the hospital than she's ever been in her own home.

Detective Elliot Stabler: This whole case is like a jigsaw puzzle.
Captain Donald Cragen: Well let's look at the pieces we've got; one suspect eliminated, one cooperating, and one hiding behind his lawyer.
Detective Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: Picture's getting clearer.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Mean (#5.17)" (2004)
Elliot Stabler: Psychos... they always love comics.

Det. Elliot Stabler: [reading a murder victim's archived text messages] These are really deep. "Derek is sooooo ten o's, ooooo cute."

[while investigating the case of a popular teenager murdered by her three closest friends]
Elliot Stabler: I love these little cliques. They're like the Mafia - nobody knows nothin'.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Wildlife (#10.7)" (2008)
Detective Elliot Stabler: [sees an empty cage] So where's the tiger?
Andre Bushido: [opens his mouth revealing blood on his teeth] He's a tasty one, isn't he?
Detective Elliot Stabler: [pauses then puts a piece of the meat in his mouth] I never enjoyed tiger meat before.

Andre Bushido: [being hauled off] You're dead, Mike! I'll kill you!
Detective Elliot Stabler: Yeah yeah yeah, you already killed me once.

Gots Money: [opening the door] Yo yo yo!
Detective Elliot Stabler: [pushing past] What's Gots gots?
Detective Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: Gots trouble, warrant.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Wanderlust (#1.5)" (1999)
Detective Elliot Stabler: [kissing his kids] Love you...
Maureen Stabler: Dad, not on the lips.
[walks away]
Detective Elliot Stabler: When did that happen?
Kathy Stabler: When you were at work.

Detective Elliot Stabler: Has Maureen had sex yet, do you know?
Kathy Stabler: God I hope not.
Detective Elliot Stabler: I wonder *how* we'll know.
Kathy Stabler: *If* we'll know.

Detective Elliot Stabler: Virginia, Detectives Munch and Cassidy will escort you home.
Virginia Hayes: Can I drive?
Det. John Munch: Well seeing as how you're about as old as my partner, I don't see why not.
Detective Brian Cassidy: Huh?

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Appearances (#4.19)" (2003)
Detective Elliot Stabler: What do we know about these three upright citizens in Florida?
Detective Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: Well, one died in a car crash, and the parole officers for the other two say they're squeaky clean.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Squeaky clean sex offender. Yeah, that's... that's a new one.

[Analyzing Hedges' laptop and finds hidden child porn]
TARU Tech Ruben Morales: His parole officer probably missed it. They were hidden by the s-tools software.
Detective Olivia Benson: S-tools?
TARU Tech Ruben Morales: Yeah, s is short for stenography. From the Greek meaning hidden writing. Mainly used by spies to send concealed messages.
Detective Elliot Stabler: So, it just downloads child porn and disguises it with this... stegosaurus stuff.

Stanley Billings: You can't just barge in here!
Detective Elliot Stabler: Sure we can. We're arresting you.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Brotherhood (#5.12)" (2004)
Elliot Stabler: You have the right to an attorney. In the unlikely event that Daddy can't afford to buy you one, one will be provided for you.

Elliot Stabler: [standing in a sewage plant with a decomposed body] Whoever dumped our victim, really knew their crap.

Det. Elliot Stabler: [referring to a killer who dumped the body in a sewage treatment plant] They sure know their crap.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Pure (#6.18)" (2005)
Sebastian Ballentine: [a man has claimed that he has had a "psychic vision" of a kidnapped girl] My name is Sebastian Ballentine.
Detective Elliot Stabler: *The* Sebastian Ballentine?
Sebastian Ballentine: Oh, you've heard of me.
Detective Elliot Stabler: No.
[Turns away to take a phone call]

Sebastian Ballentine: I know what you're thinking.
Detective Elliot Stabler: [skeptical] Of course you do. You're psychic.
Sebastian Ballentine: You think I'm mentally ill.
Capt. Donald Cragen: He's good.

Olivia Benson: It's from The Box. It's a sex club run by women.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Come again?
Olivia Benson: Well, that's the idea.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Intoxicated (#6.19)" (2005)
Detective Olivia Benson: [to Cragen] Denise Elderidge is a fruit cake.
Detective Elliot Stabler: [interrupts them] And dessert is served.
[reveals Denise]

Detective Elliot Stabler: These pots and pans haven't been used in so long they got cobwebs on them.
Detective Olivia Benson: Sounds like the ones in my kitchen.

Detective Elliot Stabler: Romeo and Juliet killed themselves, not their parents.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Closure: Part 2 (#2.3)" (2000)
Kenneth Cleary: [alleged rapist, taunting Detective Stabler] Let me ask you something, one hungry man to another; is there anything better than gorging on a fresh caught meal?
Detective Elliot Stabler: [grabbing him by the tie] You won't be eating out anymore.

Detective Olivia Benson: [Benson and Stabler interview a newsstand owner who saw the woman who anonymously reported a rape in progress from a payphone] Could you describe her to a police sketch artist?
George: I didn't get a look at her face, I was too busy trying to get Ginger into the car.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Do you remember what she was wearing?
George: Oh yeah, a black sweater, and black slacks, and thong panties.
Detective Olivia Benson: You didn't get a look at her face, but you know she was wearing thong panties?
George: I saw the pantie-line. She had a nice ass - which was more interesting to me then her face.
George: [Benson and Stabler both throw him a "give me a break" look] I'm an *ass* man! I don't apologize for it.

[after listening to the 911 call]
Detective Olivia Benson: So, maybe two witnesses.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Three, if you count the dog.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Stranger (#10.11)" (2009)
Detective Elliot Stabler: [Talking into radio] Got a runner!
[Stabler chases Vasko through house, commanding him to stop]
Detective Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: [Punches Vasko in face, causing him to drop] We got a dropper.

Detective Olivia Benson: I don't understand how a mother wouldn't know her own child.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Yeah, but Mrs. Hallander didn't recognize this girl until sister Erica saw that tattoo on her wrist.
Detective Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: Munch, zoom in on the ink. Put 'em up side by side.
Detective Olivia Benson: Looks the same to me.
Sergeant John Munch: Except they're mirror images. On this one, the stem curved to the right; on this one, it curves to the left.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Girl's a con artist.
Detective Olivia Benson: Then why would she try to kill herself?
Detective Elliot Stabler: Maybe she knew the game was up.
Detective Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: Who's gonna break it to the Hallanders that their real daughter's still missing?
[walks away]
Detective Olivia Benson: Let me talk to Heather first.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Liv, she's not Heather.
[walks away behind Fin as Olivia still studies tattoo photos on the screen]

Captain Donald Cragen: What, are you waiting for an invitation?
[Olivia and Elliot turn around to Cragen]
Detective Olivia Benson: Just thought we'd give Vasko a taste of his own medicine.
Captain Donald Cragen: I think he's familiar with the tactics of breaking someone. All you're giving him is time to lawyer up.
Detective Elliot Stabler: We're buying ourselves some.
[Melinda comes]
Detective Elliot Stabler: You got something?
Dr. Melinda Warner: It's too soon for DNA results, so I ran an individual specific auto-antibodies test on Mr. Vasko. It's not admissible in court yet but, uh, it only takes two hours.
Captain Donald Cragen: Well, how did we get a court order for his DNA already?
Detective Elliot Stabler: We didn't need one. Vasko ran, Fin clotheslined him, bloodied up his nose on Fin's sleeve.
Dr. Melinda Warner: And Fin was kind enough to pass it along to me. He's a match for the semen on your girl's dress.
Detective Olivia Benson: [smiles slightly] That's all we need.
[starts walking]
Dr. Melinda Warner: Hold on. I'm not finished. I did get the DNA results from your Jane Doe's rape kit. She's not Heather.
Detective Elliot Stabler: We figured that one out ourselves.
Dr. Melinda Warner: Did you know her name is Kirsten Vuscelik?
Captain Donald Cragen: What, she's in the system?
Dr. Melinda Warner: No, in CODIS. She was abducted in Ohio six years ago. Her mother Marcie was certain it as a parental kidnapping.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Chat Room (#1.18)" (2000)
[about a stash of child pornography found on Keith's computer]
Keith: They're just pictures, man.
Detective Elliot Stabler: [slamming his fist on the table] They're not just "pictures"! They're underaged girls, terrified, drugged, and being photographed without their permission!

Detective Elliot Stabler: A guy wants to store something illegal in my garage, he's either my best friend, or I'm getting something out of it.

Detective Elliot Stabler: Sometimes I bring my work home with me. I'm trying to catch a guy who goes after young girls. You know how I lock up the doors and windows?
[Maureen nods]
Detective Elliot Stabler: Now they're coming in through here
[points to the computer]
Detective Elliot Stabler: It's about fear. It's not about trust.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Swing (#10.3)" (2008)
Detective Elliot Stabler: What the hell just happened?
Detective Olivia Benson: Maybe God just remembered how cute you were as a carrot.

Detective Elliot Stabler: The minute Dad dies, you sell the house and move here.
Bernie Stabler: What was I supposed to do, get on my knees and say my rosary and pray for his immortal soul?
Detective Elliot Stabler: He sure as hell needed it.
Bernie Stabler: [laughs] And then some.

Detective Elliot Stabler: What were you thinking breaking into that place?
Kathleen Stabler: I didn't break in, the window was open.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Authority (#9.17)" (2008)
Detective Elliot Stabler: The Milgram Experiment.
Merritt Rook: You've done your homework. Yes, only this time its for real.

Detective Elliot Stabler: I Don't abuse my authority.
Merritt Rook: Oh, every cop abuses his authority!

Merritt Rook: I put my faith in a little god in a white coat and he killed my wife and son. Push the button!
Detective Elliot Stabler: No!
Merritt Rook: Push... the... Button!
Detective Elliot Stabler: I can't do it.
Merritt Rook: No? Why?
Detective Elliot Stabler: Too many people have suffered already.
Merritt Rook: Then you, Elliot Stabler, are a human being. Congratulations. You are not a sheep like I was. You're a man. Thank you.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Parts (#6.22)" (2005)
Dr. Melinda Warner: Victim's head, right arm and left leg were found in a car.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Well dismemberment's not a sex crime.
Dr. Melinda Warner: This one might be. Found traces of semen in her throat.
Detective Odafin "Fin" Tutuola: Didn't even let her gargle.

Dr. Melinda Warner: Each joint was skillfully disarticulated by somebody who clearly knew what they were doing.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Like a butcher.
Dr. Melinda Warner: ...Or a doctor.

Detective John Munch: You're afraid of your own mortality.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Who isn't?
Detective John Munch: We're all gonna die, Elliot. The only question is when and how.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: A Single Life (#1.2)" (1999)
Detective Elliot Stabler: [Stabler and Benson are looking through a victims belonging's as part of their investigation] She must have had fun naming her computer files... Uh, this is "Penis.Quotes." You want to read it or should I?
Detective Olivia Benson: Oh, knock yourself out.
Detective Elliot Stabler: [Takes a quick glance and a moment later gives it to Benson with discomfort] No, that's yours.
Captain Donald Cragen: Anything?
Detective Elliot Stabler: No.
Detective Olivia Benson: Okay, "Biology of the Amazons" by Grethen Quinn. "There's a tiny catfish feared more than the piranha. It's called a..."
Captain Donald Cragen: Candiru.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Say what?
Captain Donald Cragen: This is beautiful. Tell him.
Detective Olivia Benson: [Reading a passage] "It will swim right into a man's penis and lodge itself there by erecting sharp spines." Ow.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Erecting sharp spines... That's a fish with a sense of irony. How'd you know that?
Captain Donald Cragen: In the jungle they always taught us, "Don't hose your nose; Hold your stones."

Detective Elliot Stabler: [entering Cragen's office] You look about as happy as a postal worker on Christmas.

Olivia Benson: Yeah. I'm a regular monk.
Det. Elliot Stabler: [Staring at her] Monkette.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Mother (#5.3)" (2003)
Detective Elliot Stabler: Lady, I've got four kids, if I ever talked to one of them like that I'd arrest myself!

Dr. Heints: I was re-parenting him.
Elliot Stabler: Lady I've got four kids, if I ever talked to one of them like that... I'd arrest myself.

Detective Elliot Stabler: You believe this guy? It's our fault he's a sick prick.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Uncivilized (#1.7)" (1999)
Elliot Stabler: You show me a first time offender, and I'll show you someone who hadn't been caught yet.

Elliot Stabler: Tell your teacher, or your mom or your dad.
Kid: What if your dad's the one hurting you?
Elliot Stabler: ...Then you tell Dickie, and he'll tell me.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Runaway (#2.16)" (2001)
Det. Elliot Stabler: [referring to Benson] I can keep a secret if the mall queen can.

Det. Elliot Stabler: There are 39000 of us, anything happens to Jill were all gonna be looking for a piece of you.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Bullseye (#12.2)" (2010)
Jeff Samonsky: [Benson just unplugged the controllers from the gaming console, startling the Samonsky's out of the game they were playing] WHOA! Where the hell'd you come from?
Detective Elliot Stabler: The real word. Join us.

[Stabler is interviewing a woman with mental problems and has just showed her a picture of her daughter, Rose]
Amber Samonsky: Not my daughter.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Now, you just said that you have a daughter named Rose.
Amber Samonsky: I do. Somewhere.
Detective Elliot Stabler: That's not her?
Amber Samonsky: It looks like her and this girls' been living in our apartment. But she's an imposter.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Redemption (#3.6)" (2001)
Elliot Stabler: All it takes for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing.

Elliot Stabler: [on the scene of a particularly brutal rape/homicide, quietly] And I thought my day couldn't get any worse.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Responsible (#8.18)" (2007)
Detective Elliot Stabler: I'm sorry, Kathleen, but there's no statute of limitations on being a bad parent.
[burns up Kathleen's driver's license]

Detective Elliot Stabler: Lady, that dog had no food or water. Now unless you want the ASPCA and PETA staked out on your front lawn, you'll start telling us the truth.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Sacrifice (#3.7)" (2001)
[talking to Delia Sarton]
Detective Elliot Stabler: How'd you get home?
Delia Sarton: I took a cab.
Detective Elliot Stabler: What cab company?
Delia Sarton: ...It was yellow.

Detective Elliot Stabler: What the hell is your daughter doing on a porn set?

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Trophy (#12.7)" (2010)
[Fin and Stabler are talking with a guard while reviewing security videos]
Detective Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: Morgue missing any bodies?
Kevin: All DBs present and accounted for.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Hold on. What's this guy doing?
Kevin: How the hell I miss that?

Detective Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: Only problem is he's got a solid alibi!
Detective Elliot Stabler: Which is what?
Detective Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: He wasn't even born yet!

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Pop (#12.11)" (2011)
Dr. Melinda Warner: The internal body temp is down little more than 2 degrees
Elliot Stabler: So he's been dead little over an hour
Dr. Melinda Warner: You're getting good at this!
Elliot Stabler: Wish I weren't!

Elliot Stabler: Really? You're smoking?
Sandra Roberts: Stop be a cop!
Elliot Stabler: I will when you start being a mother

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Gone (#7.16)" (2006)
Detective Olivia Benson: Doug Waverly, Nicky Pratt, you're under arrest for the murder of Jason King.
Doug Waverly: You can't prove we murdered anyone.
Detective Elliot Stabler: You like that sea bass? You're gonna love what we just pulled out of the river.

[last lines]
Detective Olivia Benson: Doug Waverly, Nicky Pratt, you're under arrest for the murder of Jason King.
Doug Waverly: You can't prove we murdered anyone.
Detective Elliot Stabler: You like that sea bass? You're gonna love what we just pulled out of the river.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Totem (#12.20)" (2011)
Craig: All I did was brush against her, she starts screaming I groped.
Detective Elliot Stabler: That's old news, Craig. Where were you yesterday?
Craig: Having a camera shoved up my ass. Colonoscopy. Wanna see the pictures?
Detective Elliot Stabler: A letter from your doctor will do.

Detective Elliot Stabler: Welcome to the perv parade that leads to nowhere.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Cage (#8.8)" (2006)
Detective Elliot Stabler: [arriving at a scene where a van's being lifted out of the water] John, what do we got?
Detective John Munch: The van tried to take a shortcut to Brooklyn. The river got in the way.

Detective Elliot Stabler: Handcuffed to the van, who let them out?
Uniform cop: Probably the driver, looks like there were two adults in the van, a woman with one shoe
[picks up a shoe]
Uniform cop: and one man with no hair.
[picks up a wig]

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Stocks & Bondage (#1.9)" (1999)
Det. Brian Cassidy: I don't get S&M. I mean, hurt me, it turns me on. Come on, what's up with that?
Det. John Munch: It starts with the tattoos. Once you get the ink, it's just a matter of time before you're begging to be tied up and spanked.
Det. Brian Cassidy: Yeah, tattoos are just a gateway to the sexual dark side, my friend.
Det. Elliot Stabler: [putting his right arm around Cassidy and turning his left arm so one tattoo shows] You guys have finally figured me out, huh?
Det. Monique Jefferies: Seriously, did you get off on the tiny little pinpricks of pain?
Det. Elliot Stabler: No, I get that from workin' with you.

[about a sleazy jeweler]
Det. Elliot Stabler: I tell you, if I were ripping off my company, I'd want this jeweler as my guy.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Avatar (#9.2)" (2007)
Lauren Molby: You've got to let me see him. I've loved him since I was 15 years old.
[Olivia and Elliot stare at her]
Lauren Molby: You think a 15 year old can't fall in love?
Detective Elliot Stabler: I have teenaged daughters who fall in love all the time.

Detective Elliot Stabler: You're under arrest.
Cooper: For what?
Detective Elliot Stabler: Crossing on the red. Didn't you see the sign?
Cooper: You've got to be kidding.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Safety's no laughing matter.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Identity (#6.12)" (2005)
[the detectives are interrogating a sex therapist who used some controversial experimental procdeures on teenagers]
Elliot Stabler: Doc, I saw the 'art' in your office, and even I was uncomfortable with how many phalluses were on display.
Dr. Preston Blair: That's because you're a bourgeios American, completely uptight about sex. It's what screws up your children and turns them into sex offenders.
Elliot Stabler: ...You lost me at 'bourgeois.'

Detective Olivia Benson: Do you realize that disseminating pornography to a minor is a felony?
Dr. Preston Blair: I showed them art books.
Elliot Stabler: Doc, I saw the art in your office, and even I was uncomfortable at how many phalluses were on display.
Dr. Preston Blair: That's because you're a bourgeois American, completely uptight about sex. It's what screws up your children and turns them into sex offenders.
Elliot Stabler: You lost me at "bourgeois".

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Manic (#5.2)" (2003)
Detective Olivia Benson: Joe, why did you shoot Luke and Tyrell?
[sets out pictures of the victims on the table]
Joe Blaine: [looking at pictures] I don't know them.
Detective Olivia Benson: You don't know them? You told us that you went to school with them.
Joe Blaine: No, I didn't.
Detective Olivia Benson: Joe. Joe, look at me.
[Joe looks up and then looks back down]
Detective Olivia Benson: You're in serious trouble here, and you need to help yourself.
Joe Blaine: I don't want to.
Detective Elliot Stabler: [laying a drawing on the table] Did you draw this?
Joe Blaine: Where's my pen? I want my pen!
Detective Elliot Stabler: We'll get you one. I know you drew that now did you also do this?
Joe Blaine: Didn't draw that. Didn't draw that!
Detective Olivia Benson: [points to masked figure in the drawing] Joe, who's this? Who's this person here?
Joe Blaine: [whispering] Zoltar.
Detective Olivia Benson: Who's Zoltar?
Joe Blaine: [begins slapping himself and banging his head on the table] No! I won't! Stop! Stop, I won't!
Joe Blaine: [after Stabler tries to calm him] Zoltars gonna kill you! He's gonna kill you!
[Stabler picks him up out of his chair]
Joe Blaine: Get off! He's gonna kill you! Zoltar's gonna kill you!

[last lines]
Dean Reynolds: Hey, you're hurting me!
Elliot Stabler: Take some Aptril. That'll make you feel better.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Ripped (#7.4)" (2005)
Detective Elliot Stabler: [in a therapy session after Elliot beats up a cop who was beating up his teenage son; talking about Elliot's memories of his father]
[Dr. Hendrix asks if Elliot's father ever helped him with his homework]
Detective Elliot Stabler: Once, when I was in fifth grade. I had to make this diorama. Remember those things? The model you put in shoe boxes?
Dr. Rebecca Hendrix: Sure.
Detective Elliot Stabler: It was about the Civil War. And he told me where the put the cannons, and the soldiers, the trees... Nay, forget it.
Dr. Rebecca Hendrix: Did you get a good grade?
Detective Elliot Stabler: What?
Dr. Rebecca Hendrix: Did you get a good grade?
Detective Elliot Stabler: What difference does that make?
Dr. Rebecca Hendrix: It's just a question.
Detective Elliot Stabler: I don't understand what you want from me.
Dr. Rebecca Hendrix: The truth. I want you to start talking... really talking. What grade did you get on the diorama?
Detective Elliot Stabler: An F!
Dr. Rebecca Hendrix: You failed.
Detective Elliot Stabler: I didn't hand it in.
Dr. Rebecca Hendrix: Why not?
Detective Elliot Stabler: I moved one of the trees. And my father saw it as I was leaving for school. He took it out of my hands and he threw it on the ground and he stomped on it.
Dr. Rebecca Hendrix: It must have really hurt when he did that.
Detective Elliot Stabler: He took off his belt and he beat me with it... Because I cried... and only... pan... pansies cry...
[he starts to cry]
Detective Elliot Stabler: He said I was weak, and called me a failure. He called me that a lot.
Dr. Rebecca Hendrix: What did you see in that mirror today, Elliot?
Detective Elliot Stabler: The guy my father always saw.
Dr. Rebecca Hendrix: You're not weak. You're so busy being strong, and helping everyone, you've got nothing left for yourself. It takes a lot more balls to talk about your problems, than beat the hell out of a ghost.

Dr. Rebecca Hendrix: [Elliot starts to walk out on his session] Where are you going? How many times have you thought about eating your gun?
Detective Elliot Stabler: [indignant] Suicide's a sin.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Scavenger (#6.4)" (2004)
Detective Elliot Stabler: [looking through Humphrey's apartment] Got a lot of books.
Detective Olivia Benson: All mysteries. He takes good care of them. He steals from libraries.
Detective Elliot Stabler: [sees night lights plugged in everywhere] He also collects night lights.
Detective Olivia Benson: A pseudo-killer psychopath who's afraid of the dark?

Humphrey Becker: [Elliot drags Humphrey into the hall] No! Where're you taking me?
Detective Elliot Stabler: MY game room!
[to Olivia]
Detective Elliot Stabler: The closet!
Humphrey Becker: NO! Don't put me in there!
Detective Elliot Stabler: [Olivia breaks the light bulb] Let's see how YOU like being left in the dark!
Detective Olivia Benson: [they close him in] It's just a game, Humphrey!

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Retro (#10.5)" (2008)
Detective Elliot Stabler: What is Candidiasis?
Dr. Raye Massey: A fungal infection, commonly known as Thrush.
Detective Olivia Benson: That's not an STD.
Dr. Raye Massey: And there's no sign of sexual abuse.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Why did you call us then? ACS handles the abandoned kids.
Dr. Raye Massey: What's being done to her is criminal, it's only this advanced in children who aren't treated.
Detective Olivia Benson: For what?
Dr. Raye Massey: HIV.
Detective Olivia Benson: She has AIDS?
Dr. Raye Massey: And her parents didn't do a damn thing about it, if that's not criminal, I don't know what is.

Donna Emmett: [to Cragen] Your detectives harrassed my client in his office without me present.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Just a little friendly chat, when we harrass him, he'll know it.
Dr. Gideon Hutton: You're scaring my patients.
Detective Elliot Stabler: They should be scared.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Misleader (#1.17)" (2000)
Detective Elliot Stabler: Don't touch me. I don't like being touched.

Detective Elliot Stabler: [to Ben Hadley Jr] First your father, then his lawyer, don't you ever speak for yourself?

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Outcry (#6.5)" (2004)
Elliot Stabler: Ya know Tandi's face was on the TV and newspaper all weekend long. How come you didn't report seeing her?
Lawrence Ulman: I guess I just didn't put two and two together.
Elliot Stabler: Yeah, I could see where that would be a problem for you.

Detective Olivia Benson: Tandi is too young and too traumatized to think for herself right now.
Elliot Stabler: So you're thinking for her, is that it?
Detective Olivia Benson: What else could I do?
[Elliot says nothing]

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Beef (#11.20)" (2010)
Detective Elliot Stabler: I don't trust a guy who wears drawstring pants.

Detective Elliot Stabler: So either Vargas was renting out his pants, or somebody else is setting him up.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Paternity (#9.9)" (2007)
Detective Elliot Stabler: Kathy wants to name him after me.
Detective Olivia Benson: Just what the world needs. Another Elliot Stabler.

[Stabler and Benson just found out that Tommy isn't Jake's son and are walking through the precinct hallway while discussing whether or not to tell Jake]
Detective Olivia Benson: He has the right to know.
Detective Elliot Stabler: It's not our place to tell him.
Detective Olivia Benson: Jake is raising a child that biologically isn't his. He's married to a woman who's being unfaithful. You think that ignorance is bliss?
Detective Elliot Stabler: First of all, Tommy *is* his son. And Jake is the only father he's ever known. Now they love each other. Why do you want to mess with that?
Detective Olivia Benson: Because it's not fair to Jake or Tommy.
Detective Elliot Stabler: If Leah Keegan wants to tell her husband that Tommy's not his, that's her choice, not ours.
[Olivia spots Jake sitting in a chair, having overheard what Stabler just said]
Jake Keegan: [Standing up] What do you mean? Tommy's not my son?

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Hysteria (#1.4)" (1999)
Detective Olivia Benson: Oh my god. He's wearing them!
Detective Elliot Stabler: Nice shoes.

[a teenaged friend of Kathleen's is pregnant, and Elliot is trying to find the right time to talk about waiting to have sex - he is helping her practice soccer by kicking balls for her to block from the goal]
Elliot Stabler: You didn't come out again, honey.
Kathleen: So?
Elliot Stabler: So... one ball can change the game. It's like - it's like life. When I get close to you, you just come on out and cut off my angle, OK? Just try it again. Come on out, come on out.
[he kicks the ball, it goes past her into the goal]
Kathleen: Thanks, that was great advice.
Elliot Stabler: Honey, you did great, you did great, it's just that... the players in this game, they know a lotta tricks. Never commit until you know where they're coming from, and even then you just - you gotta be careful. You understand?
Kathleen: Whatever.
Elliot Stabler: Good, OK.
Elliot Stabler: Because they'll be attacking you from every angle.
Elliot Stabler: Just guard it with your life, sweetie.
Kathleen: Oh, boy.
Elliot Stabler: OK. Come on, kick it back.
Kathleen: Dad, I'm a virgin, OK?
[she kicks the ball to him, he stands still and it goes by him]
Elliot Stabler: OK.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Sin (#8.17)" (2007)
Detective Olivia Benson: Who today has 10 kids?
Detective Elliot Stabler: Not even Catholics.

Detective Elliot Stabler: [to priest] So I confess to murder, what do you do? 'Say five Hail Marys, hallelujah'?

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Silence (#3.23)" (2002)
[Father Michael knows of a priest who molested young boys, but cannot reveal his name]
Father Michael Sweeney: What about my vows?
Elliot Stabler: What about the children?

Elliot Stabler: [to Father Michael Sweeney] What about the faithful, Father? Who protects us?

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Burned (#8.11)" (2007)
Detective Olivia Benson: [after Olivia roughs up the perp] You got a problem?
Detective Elliot Stabler: Just nice to see someone else with anger issues.

Judge Harrison: There were no grounds to issue the order of protection in the first place, but these days jurists feel so pressure by femi-Nazis, they just hand them out like candy.
Detective Olivia Benson: Well, I read the court transcript. Valerie Sennet feared for her life and you just dismissed her.
Judge Harrison: She probably watched too many women in jeopardy movies. There's no history of violence or abuse in this case.
Detective Olivia Benson: Well, explain the assault last night. Her husband raped her.
Judge Harrison: If you had the evidence to prove that, you wouldn't be here. Or do you always jump to conclusions?
Detective Elliot Stabler: It's our job to believe the victims, Your Honor.
Judge Harrison: I work in family court. It's my job to believe whoever's lying the least.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Tragedy (#5.1)" (2003)
Elliot Stabler: If she dies because you're holding out on us, I'll personally stick that needle in your arm myself, you little prick.

Elliot Stabler: Don't lie to me. I'm about thirty seconds away from putting your face through that wall.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Shattered (#11.24)" (2010)
Detective Elliot Stabler: Three different witnesses, ten different stories.

Captain Donald Cragen: [Stabler is offering to retrieve a kidnapped child] Culross is a mercenary. The Army trained him.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Yeah, and the Marines trained me.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Rage (#6.17)" (2005)
Detective Elliot Stabler: Did you think I froze? Is that why you fired first?
Detective Olivia Benson: I fired first, because you would've killed him.
Detective Elliot Stabler: He deserves to die.
Detective Olivia Benson: Maybe he does. But he wanted you to kill him. He wanted you to always remember that you took his life. Not 'cause you had to, but because you were angry.

Gordon Rickett: What do you know about controlling anything?
Detective Elliot Stabler: I don't murder people.
Gordon Rickett: Give it time. You say you see something in me? Well, I see something in you, too. You think you control. You can't. You're controlled. By your boss, by your job, by your wife, your kids. What would you be if all those controls went away?
Detective Elliot Stabler: I'd be you.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Lunacy (#10.4)" (2008)
Detective Elliot Stabler: I have bad news. One of your astronauts has been murdered.
Colonel Richard Finley: How did she die?. How does Finley know that the dead astronaut is a women if he's not the murderer? Good guess, 'Goof' or just a clue not identified by anyone but me. Or, I may have heard it wrong. One of those times that I wish I had TIVO!

Colonel Richard Finley: [about Elliot and Olivia] So...?
Detective Elliot Stabler: I'm married.
Colonel Richard Finley: Never stopped me.
Detective Elliot Stabler: And you got 4 divorces to prove it.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Bad Blood (#1.11)" (2000)
Detective Elliot Stabler: Do you know about Olivia's family history?
Detective John Munch: No, what? Alcoholic, dead beat dad, Jehovah's Witness?
Detective Elliot Stabler: All she knows about her father is that he's the man that raped her mother.

William Langdon: Homosexuality is not natural. It's a crime against God.
Detective Elliot Stabler: And AIDS is divine retribution.
William Langdon: Are you being flippant with me?

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Wrath (#3.2)" (2001)
[a murderer is stalking Olivia]
Elliot Stabler: I didn't tell you about the detail because I knew you'd refuse.
Olivia Benson: Only the rat-squad puts cops on other cops, Elliot, without telling them. I deserve better than that. Especially from you.
Elliot Stabler: [pauses] You've been under a lot of stress lately...
Olivia Benson: I've always backed your play.
Elliot Stabler: And I did what I had to do. The guy's murdered four people, what's to stop him from coming after you, Olivia?
Olivia Benson: If you can't trust your partner, Elliot, it's time to get a new one.

[last lines, after Olivia's killed someone]
Olivia Benson: I gotta give my statement.
Elliot Stabler: I'll take it...
Olivia Benson: YOU leave me alone.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: ...Or Just Look Like One (#1.3)" (1999)
[Elliot walks in to find Kathy and Maureen in conversation at the dinner table]
Kathy Stabler: Oh, you're home.
Maureen Stabler: You're probably on her side.
Det. Elliot Stabler: You look healthy enough to me.
[to Kathy]
Det. Elliot Stabler: Have you eaten?
Kathy Stabler: No, I was waiting until you got home.
Det. Elliot Stabler: Manicotti Night, down at Scarentino's. Bottle of chianti, our name on it. Let's get out of here.
Maureen Stabler: You can't make me eat Italian, either.
Det. Elliot Stabler: Good, you're not invited. See you.

Detective Lennie Briscoe: [handing Stabler his murder weapon] You are looking at the fruits of four hours of dumpster diving along 59th Street. Nine dumpsters in all.
Det. Elliot Stabler: You trying to tell me the two of youse went dumpster diving?
Detective Ed Green: Hell, no. We supervised a couple of uniforms. I don't do dirty diapers.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Quickie (#11.11)" (2010)
Captain Donald Cragen: Attempted murder?
Detective Elliot Stabler: The way this guy was plowing through women, he might as well have been shooting a gun into a crowd.
Captain Donald Cragen: We can't get him on rape, so we go after him for spreading HIV? Do we have proof he infected somebody?
Detective Olivia Benson: He's positive, he's slept with hundreds of women, and he's bragging about riding bareback.

Captain Donald Cragen: We want to encourage people to get tested, not arrest them.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Butler brags about nailing a different piece of tail every night.
Detective Olivia Benson: Captain, he's just like a rapist. He gets off on hurting women.
A.D.A. Alexandra Cabot: Only he's found a way to injure his victims without technically raping them.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Uncle (#8.4)" (2006)
Detective Dani Beck: Here's one: Man in George W. Bush mask drags woman into alleyway, sodomizes her on Halloween night.
Detective Elliot Stabler: At least we assume it was a mask; we never did catch that guy.

[a child has been violently raped and murdered; at the scene, Beck is ready to lose her lunch]
Detective Elliot Stabler: Just so you know, everybody loses it their first kid case.
Detective Dani Beck: I'll get used to it.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Well... when that happens, transfer out.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Contagious (#6.11)" (2005)
[the case of a sexually abused girl is getting on Detective Stabler's nerves]
Detective Olivia Benson: You know, running away's not gonna help.
Detective Elliot Stabler: I'm a little beat for the dime store shrink routine right now.
Detective Olivia Benson: Elliot, that little girl is counting on you. You quit on her, and you're just another man she can't trust. That's not who you are.

[during a search of a suspected child molestor's house]
Julie Dobbins: My husband would die before he hurt a child. He was never alone with any of those girls, I was here...
Detective Elliot Stabler: You were right here and you didn't do a damn thing about it? It was happening right under your roof, and you're telling me what a great guy your husband is? Lady, you're as sick as he is!

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Entitled (#1.15)" (2000)
Detective Olivia Benson: The crime scene is a big grope spot.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Romantic. Teenagers, honeymooners,
[glances at Olivia]
Detective Elliot Stabler: co-workers.

Detective Elliot Stabler: Those are not wagon trains circled around Stephanie. Those were tanks.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Manipulated (#7.15)" (2006)
Detective Olivia Benson: How'd he get out when the door was locked from the inside?
Detective Elliot Stabler: The window.
[they go to the window]
Detective Elliot Stabler: It's an eight story drop from here. Our guy didn't get out of here unless he was Spiderman.

Detective Olivia Benson: [cynically] It's a miracle, she can swim.
Detective Elliot Stabler: And she can walk.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Sick (#5.19)" (2004)
[Warner is removing some of Tripley's hair for a DNA sample]
Billy Tripley: Look, this really hurts.
[she pulls another hair]
Billy Tripley: Oh, come on! Are you going to pull out every hair on my head?
M.E. Melinda Warner: We have to make sure to get one with the root attached. Ten hairs is standard procedure.
[pulls another hair]
Billy Tripley: Look, this is police brutality!
Elliot Stabler: Trust me, when you're being brutalized by me, you'll know it.
Billy Tripley: You just threatened me. Did you hear him threaten me?
M.E. Melinda Warner: Nope.
[prepares to take an oral swab]
M.E. Melinda Warner: Open wide, and if you bite me, *I'll* hurt you.

[Jeremy Ostilow objects to Stabler's interrogation of his son]
Elliot Stabler: Read what he wrote! He wants to act like an adult predator, I'll talk to him like one.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Control (#5.9)" (2003)
Detective Olivia Benson: [after a uniformed Officer informs Elliot that they still haven't found 'the package'] What package?
Detective Elliot Stabler: Ah, Mr. Gorman's. His penis and testicles were cut off. And they're still missing.

Detective Olivia Benson: Maybe Mr. Gorman didn't 'want' to be a man anymore?
Detective Elliot Stabler: You think he 'wanted' his Johnson wacked off?

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Behave (#12.3)" (2010)
Bill Harris: [giving a lecture] Any questions?
Detective Elliot Stabler: [stands up] Yeah, why'd you rape Vicki?
Man in Crowd: What did you say?
Detective Elliot Stabler: I asked him why he raped Vicki?

Vicki: He raped me. Again.
Detective Elliot Stabler: [arriving at the hospital] Again? She mention the guy's name?
Dr. Tanaka: Says she doesn't know it.
Detective Olivia Benson: And... he attacked her how many times?
Dr. Tanaka: She told the EMTs four, over the past 15 years.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Lust (#4.4)" (2002)
M.E. Melinda Warner: It took me most of the night, but I figured out what Dr. Esterman was working on.
Det. Elliot Stabler: Looks like a bunch of circles and arrows.
M.E. Melinda Warner: Tell me about it. I've been seeing circles and arrows all night.

[Benson and Stabler are sifting through Greta Esterman's hate mail]
Det. Olivia Benson: Last month, AIDS activists threw pig's blood on her, protesting her policies.
Det. Elliot Stabler: How about this?
[Stabler holds up crayon-written paper with bad grammar and horrible spelling]
Det. Elliot Stabler: Snoopie bich doctor YOU DIE.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Ritual (#5.14)" (2004)
[running down a suspect after their cover was blown, Fin grabs him and slams him into the wall, then begins to beat him and punch him]
Fin Tutuola: They're kids, you sick sonofabitch!
[Then Elliot comes in the car]
Elliot Stabler: Fin! Fin!
[He pulls Fin off the suspect and holds him so he won't start again]
Elliot Stabler: Enough! Enough! Off, off, off!

[when Shaye denies being the killer, despite the strong evidence against him]
Elliot Stabler: So this is all just one crazy cosmic coincidence. You just happen to buy a tribal artifact just like the one worn by the dead boy's sister; your wife buys a candle like the one that was right next to his body?
Elliot Stabler: Professor, I'm not that bright - you're the educated guy here - would *you* buy that coincidence?
Allan Shaye: [very sarcastically] Yes. Because... *that's what happened.*

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Guilt (#3.18)" (2002)
Elliot Stabler: [a pedophile is trying to leave town] Aw, he's leaving town. You know we're really gonna miss you.
Roy Barnett: Now what?
Olivia Benson: [takes a packing box from Barnett] We're helpin' you pack.
Elliot Stabler: You think all this stuff's gonna fit in his cell?
Olivia Benson: Probably not!

Elliot Stabler: Barnett's being processed, we're heading to Mulligan's to celebrate.
Detective Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: You're probably not gonna want to do that.
Olivia Benson: And why's that?
Detective Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: Dad's mad.
Captain Donald Cragen: [to Benson and Stabler] Get your asses in my office.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Class (#7.17)" (2006)
Det. Elliot Stabler: They don't allow diamond rings in prison.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Waste (#4.8)" (2002)
Detective Elliot Stabler: [about pregnant coma patients] Where's the greater good in rape?
Dr. Garrison: They weren't raped... they were inseminated.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Head (#5.25)" (2004)
Jackie Madden: Of course I bought a shirt. Gotta support my little man! HEY-YA!
Elliot Stabler: Probably appreciate it a little more if you were sober.
Jackie Madden: Screw you!

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Confrontation (#8.5)" (2006)
Detective Elliot Stabler: You're an office manager. You were fired from being a scientist.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Honor (#2.2)" (2000)
[after Fin tackles a running suspect]
Elliot Stabler: Nice Tackle.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Branded (#12.6)" (2010)
Detective Elliot Stabler: You were sexually assaulted. There's nothing to be embarrassed about.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Baby Killer (#2.5)" (2000)
Olivia Benson: [after another child is killed] Cycle never ends, does it?
Detective Elliot Stabler: Welcome to the Gaza Strip.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Users (#11.7)" (2009)
Detective Elliot Stabler: It can cure heroin addiction in 24 hours and it's ILLEGAL?
Dr. George Huang: Because the patent expired, no drug company can make a profit off of it.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Blinded (#9.7)" (2007)
Detective Elliot Stabler: Was she raped?
Dr. Jane Larom: Yes. No fluids, but several hairs, and there's significant bruising.
Dr. Jane Larom: She's only eleven.
Detective Olivia Benson: Don't ask why. It'll just make you crazy.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: The Third Guy (#1.16)" (2000)
Tech: Guy ejaculated on her thigh. Take a look at this. Tied up with her own support hose.
Detective Olivia Benson: The attacker came unprepared. The rape was probably an afterthought.
Detective Elliot Stabler: How do you get those thoughts about somebody who looks like your grandmother?

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Liberties (#10.21)" (2009)
[a rape victim fought off her attacker and put him in the hospital]
Owen Walters: What do you call what she did to me?
Detective Elliot Stabler: For a rapist? Occupational hazard.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Scheherazade (#8.10)" (2007)
A.D.A. Casey Novak: My hands are tied. Mike Mollinax committed murder.
Detective Elliot Stabler: I've got witness statements from six people including prison staff, all of them backing the claim of self-defense.
A.D.A. Casey Novak: I don't have jurisdiction over crimes committed outside the city.
Detective Elliot Stabler: You could talk to the D.A. upstate.
A.D.A. Casey Novak: I already did. He's backing the warden's decision.
Detective Elliot Stabler: So Mollinax does thirty-four years for a murder he didn't commit, and now he's gonna do more time for a murder he never would've committed if he hadn't been locked up in the first place? Do you understand how crazy that is?

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Disrobed (#1.13)" (2000)
Detective Elliot Stabler: [a murder victim was shot in both the groin and the head] If it was a hit, he would have only been shot in one head.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Abuse (#2.11)" (2001)
Detective John Munch: Three more calls.
Detective Elliot Stabler: From Maureen?
Detective John Munch: Not yours.
[to Olivia]
Detective John Munch: Yours.
Detective Olivia Benson: Ashley? Is she okay?
Detective John Munch: No. She saw the latest N*SYNC video and was devastated, as was I.
Detective John Munch: She just called to chat.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Rescue (#12.10)" (2010)
Elliot Stabler: Is our victim awake yet?
Dr. Cutler: I hope not! She's in the morgue!

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Harm (#9.5)" (2007)
Detective Elliot Stabler: Security cameras across the globe, Munch'll never leave his house again.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Grief (#4.23)" (2003)
[after a father shoots his daughter's rapist/murderer]
Elliot Stabler: I could've stopped him. I should've known what Ray was gonna do.
Olivia Benson: How?
Elliot Stabler: I would have done the same thing.
Olivia Benson: No, you wouldn't.
Elliot Stabler: Well, wait 'til you're a parent.
Olivia Benson: Don't throw that crap at me, Elliot. You made a mistake.
Elliot Stabler: What?
Olivia Benson: You let Ray in.
Elliot Stabler: You're right, I did. He got to me. And now I'm responsible.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Fallacy (#4.21)" (2003)
Olivia Benson: You know the only one that came to support Cheryl was her sister?
Elliot Stabler: And you.
Olivia Benson: Yeah. But I'm not family.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Pixies (#2.9)" (2001)
Captain Donald Cragen: Whatever happened to just hanging out on the jungle gym?
Detective Elliot Stabler: Gone the way of the 8 track tape.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Haystack (#8.15)" (2007)
[last lines; Olivia had Warner do a kinship analysis]
Detective Elliot Stabler: Whose DNA did you have tested?
Detective Olivia Benson: [reading the test results] Mine. I have a brother.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Loss (#5.4)" (2003)
Elliot Stabler: We can't always win.
Alex Cabot: But that's just it. Even when we win, we don't.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Tangled (#3.5)" (2001)
George Huang: Do you gamble, Elliot?
Elliot Stabler: Only with birth control.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Families (#5.15)" (2004)
Steve Abruzzo: Teaching's my life. I would never do anything to hurt these girls.
Detective Elliot Stabler: I hope you're right.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Wet (#12.5)" (2010)
Detective Olivia Benson: You get anything out of Skinny and Dipper?
Detective Elliot Stabler: Yeah, he can't stop staring at her ass and she can't wait to never see him again.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Selfish (#10.19)" (2009)
[first lines; Stabler is at his desk]
Detective Elliot Stabler: That's it. I'm done.
Detective Olivia Benson: What do you mean, done?
Detective Elliot Stabler: Paperwork. It's like the first time in, like, five years.
Detective Olivia Benson: So we're actually gonna get out of here early?
Detective Elliot Stabler: Yeah. Move slowly so nobody notices.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Denial (#3.21)" (2002)
Detective Elliot Stabler: Grace had three kids and two of them are dead, I don't like those odds.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Home (#5.16)" (2004)
Detective Olivia Benson: Westchester Mall. Great place to dump a car.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Yeah, with a body in the trunk.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Shaken (#5.10)" (2003)
[learning a suspected pedophile works at a camera film development shop]
Detective Elliot Stabler: You don't need a digital camera when you can print your own porn.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Weak (#6.9)" (2004)
Dr. Rebecca Hendrix: [Questioning suspect] Have you ever had a girlfriend?
Thomas Mathers: Lots of guys don't find the right girl.
Detective Olivia Benson: That's true. I mean... Being single's not easy.
Thomas Mathers: You would not look at me twice if I asked you out. You would not give me the time of day, so don't pretend you understand what I'm going through. I don't need your pity.
Detective Elliot Stabler: You're just looking for the right girl. And one day you'll rape her and live happily ever after.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Tortured (#4.16)" (2003)
Detective Elliot Stabler: There's blood on the boot, maybe it's the perp's.
Detective Olivia Benson: I'll get an evidence bag.
Detective Elliot Stabler: [unzips boot] Liv! The blood isn't the perp's it's our victim's...
Detective Olivia Benson: [to the canvas cops] Guys, anybody find a severed foot?

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Solitary (#11.3)" (2009)
[Sonya has ordered the SVU detectives to leave Donovan alone]
Detective Elliot Stabler: Lady, I've had one hell of a bad day, and I'm in no mood to be told what to do.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Counterfeit (#3.14)" (2002)
[Munch walks by on crutches]
Fin Tutuola: I can't wait to hear this.
John Munch: Your sympathy is overwhelming.
Olivia Benson: What happened to you?
John Munch: Skydiving, hard landing.
Elliot Stabler: He wiped out riding his friend's Harley.
Capt. Donald Cragen: Now the only thing he'll be riding is a desk.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Underbelly (#8.7)" (2006)
Det. Elliot Stabler: [to a suspect hiding in a couch] Find the remote?

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Chameleon (#4.1)" (2002)
[while working on a case of a murdered "John"]
Fin Tutuola: Cause of death was between two and four hours ago... *pre-release*.
Elliot Stabler: Is that significant?
Fin Tutuola: No, that's just cold.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Clock (#8.2)" (2006)
Detective Elliot Stabler: Kathleen. What are you doing here? Is everything all right?
Kathleen Stabler: I need to talk to you.
Detective Elliot Stabler: A couple of days ago, you were never gonna speak to me again.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Vulnerable (#4.3)" (2002)
Det. Elliot Stabler: Mr. Sherman smoke?
Building Super: Only in between the times he quits.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Outsider (#8.12)" (2007)
Oliver Mitsakos: [Oliver backs into interrogation grate as Fin menacingly comes after him] I would never rape anyone; you gotta believe me.
Det. Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: Why? You lied about knowing Ming.
Oliver Mitsakos: She was in my class 3 years ago; she barely spoke; I barely remember her!
Det. Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: She remembers you. "Come to my office for a little one on one tutoring."
Oliver Mitsakos: I never said that!
Chester Lake: Well, what did you say?
Oliver Mitsakos: I - I told her that she needed extra help because her papers were poorly written.
Det. Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: [puts him in the chair] You're still lyin', kid; you flirted with her every day!
Chester Lake: [behind Oliver] You were aggressive.
Det. Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: And desperate.
Oliver Mitsakos: That was a long time ago.
Chester Lake: [leans in front of Oliver on his hands] Old wounds still burn. So you went back and raped all the women who've rejected you.
Oliver Mitsakos: [frustrated] No!
Chester Lake: Anna.
[slams picture on table]
Chester Lake: She dump you? Maya.
[slams her picture on the table]
Chester Lake: Break your heart? Rose.
[slams picture on table]
Chester Lake: Blow you off? Is that why you raped and murdered them?
Oliver Mitsakos: I don't know those people!
Chester Lake: [sits and cocks head] Let me tell you about them. You thought they were all Brooklyn trash. Nothin' but warm-ups for your ultimate target. Kara Bawson, your ex-fiance.
Oliver Mitsakos: [laughs and smiles with mirth] You're crazy.
Det. Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: Naw; you lost your meal ticket and your chance of getting rich quick.
Chester Lake: You wanted revenge.
Oliver Mitsakos: [leans forward] I didn't do anything. I swear.
Detective Elliot Stabler: [knock on door; Elliot enters] Fin. Moment?
[turns and exits so Fin can follow him]
Detective Elliot Stabler: You just got an emergency call, urgent.
[Chester comes out]
Det. Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: You can talk. That's Chet Lake, Brooklyn SVU.
Chester Lake: Chester.
[shakes Elliot's hand]
Detective Elliot Stabler: Elliot.
Detective Elliot Stabler: You got the wrong guy. Your perp just hit again. Victim's in the E.R. at Mercy. Name's Edie Rimpo.
[Chester and Fin look at each other shocked and walk away to go to Mercy and talk to Edie]

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Bound (#5.23)" (2004)
Olivia Benson: What the hell happened?
Detective Elliot Stabler: Heart attack.
Olivia Benson: That our victim?
Detective Elliot Stabler: No, he's the perp.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Taken (#2.8)" (2000)
[after Olivia's mother dies]
John Munch: Did you talk to Benson?
Elliot Stabler: Yeah.
John Munch: You know, my brother's a mortician in case she has any questions.
Elliot Stabler: You have a brother?

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Consent (#2.10)" (2001)
Detective Elliot Stabler: Sometimes the thought of Maureen in college scares the hell out of me.
Olivia Benson: I can see why it would.
Detective Elliot Stabler: It used to be college was all about BAs and PhDs.
Olivia Benson: Now it's roofies and GHB.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Hammered (#11.4)" (2009)
[Stabler accidentally let a murder suspect escape from custody]
Executive A.D.A. Sonya Paxton: Good morning, detectives.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Just when I thought my day couldn't get any worse.
Executive A.D.A. Sonya Paxton: Has anyone seen my missing defendant?
Detective Elliot Stabler: Well, we could try and find him, unless you wanna just waste our time busting my balls.
Executive A.D.A. Sonya Paxton: Oh, I'd never kick a man when he's down. I'm sure you feel like a grade "A" moron as it is.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Undercover (#9.15)" (2008)
[Captain Harris is getting a photo taken of his genitals as evidence]
Detective Elliot Stabler: Captain, huh? You look more like a private to me.
Dr. Melinda Warner: We'll have to enlarge it for the jury, but it's right where Ashley said it was.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Careless (#5.18)" (2004)
Elliot Stabler: What about that autistic kid in Milwaukee last year? Parishioners held him down, they were laying on top of him to cure him.
Olivia Benson: That could explain the ring mark.
[walks around behind Cragen and wraps her arms around him to demonstrate]
Olivia Benson: Someone holds Jamie, he struggles, they hold him tighter.
Capt. Donald Cragen: [a little breathless] Until he can't breathe.
[Olivia removes her arms and walks around in front of him]
Capt. Donald Cragen: Thank you, I enjoyed that.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Hothouse (#10.12)" (2009)
Detective Elliot Stabler: There's rice all over the floor. Did he make you eat down here too?
Katrina Lychkoff: No, he had us kneel on it. It's not so bad at first, but then it starts to cut into your skin.
[shows her knees with old rice grain indentions]

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Inheritance (#3.8)" (2001)
Olivia Benson: [Detectives Stabler and Benson want to interview a Chinese woman] It could take hours to track down a translator.
Elliot Stabler: Doc, can you translate?
George Huang: What, you just assume I speak Chinese?
Elliot Stabler: No, I heard you order take-out once.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Lowdown (#5.20)" (2004)
Detective Elliot Stabler: How many hookers you ever see strangle somebody with a hotpants?
Detective Olivia Benson: Elliot, these aren't a hotpants, they're leggings, you wear them to the gym.
Detective Elliot Stabler: So we're looking for a hooker who works out?

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Inconceivable (#9.14)" (2008)
Detective Elliot Stabler: You would be a great mother.
Detective Olivia Benson: Oh! I am not having this conversation with you.
Detective Elliot Stabler: You're good with kids. You should start thinking about having them. Whatever you do, I'll support you.
Detective Olivia Benson: Elliot, shut up and drive.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Loophole (#8.13)" (2007)
Detective Elliot Stabler: What do you always tell victims? Get help, but you're not following your own advice.
Detective Olivia Benson: What do you want me to do, Elliot, sue the chemical company? If I do, they will bury me in paperwork for the next 10 years, the kid could be dead by then.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Pretend (#8.21)" (2007)
Oliver Gates: I want to report a rape.
Detective Elliot Stabler: One of your clients take advantage of you, counselor?

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Informed (#8.1)" (2006)
Detective Elliot Stabler: [after being knocked unconscious by an explosion and being carried towards an ambulance] You're a jinx.
FBI Agent Dana Lewis: Who, me?
Detective Elliot Stabler: Last year at the courthouse when I got shot, you were there. You're bad luck.
Paramedic #1: [Examining Stabler] No blood in his ear. It's probably not a skull fracture.
FBI Agent Dana Lewis: You hear that? You're gonna be fine.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Every time you show up I nearly get killed.
FBI Agent Dana Lewis: You're still above ground, hon. Maybe I'm your good luck charm.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Charisma (#6.7)" (2004)
George Huang: What's the first thing you remember seeing after entering the house?
Elliot Stabler: Dead bodies.
George Huang: Can you be more specific?
Elliot Stabler: A bunch of dead bodies.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Nocturne (#1.21)" (2000)
Kathy Stabler: So, what's going on at work?
[long pause]
Elliot Stabler: Nothing.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Delinquent (#12.23)" (2011)
Detective Elliot Stabler: I don't touch children. I protect them.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Dominance (#4.20)" (2003)
Detective Dave Duethorn: Yo, Lucates. Take this couple up to Homicide and have Kroling get their statements, alright?
Detective Elliot Stabler: [walking from behind] Detective Dave Duethorn. Missed dinner with my wife and kids; this better be good.
[they begin walking to the home]
Detective Dave Duethorn: Two naked women; fluids everywhere; both raped and shot in the head.
Detective Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: That's our bread and butter.
Detective Dave Duethorn: So, I guess the two head-shot naked guys with them are nothing special, right?
[they enter and Stabler looks back at Fin as a response to Duethorn's statement]
Detective Dave Duethorn: What do y'think?
Detective Elliot Stabler: Looks like the party from hell.
Detective Dave Duethorn: Dinner party, to be exact.
Detective Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: With an orgy for dessert.
Detective Dave Duethorn: Except they never made it to the appetizer.
Detective Dave Duethorn: Dining room table's still set. And check that out.
Detective Elliot Stabler: [reads] "Happy Engagement; share wonderful lives together." There's no signature; who's the unlucky couple here?
Detective Dave Duethorn: Evan Briggs and his fiancee Melissa Ziman. Other two are Dean McCarren and Regina Valerio. The couple who found them made the IDs. Evan and Melissa invited some grad school friends over to celebrate.
Detective Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: Not the type of evening you expect to turn into a sexual free-for-all.
Detective Dave Duethorn: I'm thinkin' home invasion.
[walks further into house as he talks]
Detective Dave Duethorn: Doorbell rings, victim opens door, wacko busts in and robs 'em.
Detective Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: You got four victims. Got to be at least two perps.
Detective Elliot Stabler: What did they take?
Dr. Melinda Warner: All the victims' jewelry. Marks on the men's wrists indicate they wore watches. The women wore necklaces.
Detective Dave Duethorn: Their wallets and IDs are also gone, along with Ms. Ziman's two-and-a-half carat engagement ring. The couple who found them told me she got it last week. Oh, and there's something else, right, Doc?
Dr. Melinda Warner: [bent down by a body] Both men were beaten, probably with the business end of an automatic.
Detective Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: Something must have set them off.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Pummeled the men and raped the women.
Dr. Melinda Warner: Not just the women.
Detective Dave Duethorn: Excuse me?
Dr. Melinda Warner: [turns to look at Duethorn] The men were raped, too.
[turns back to the downturned body]

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Impulsive (#9.3)" (2007)
Detective Elliot Stabler: Earl Romaine, you're under arrest for the rape of Shane Mills.
Earl Romaine: Screw you.
Detective Chester Lake: Sorry, you're not his type.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Monogamy (#3.11)" (2002)
Detective Elliot Stabler: I go home and I'm supposed to tell Kathy about my day? 'Honey, today some guy cut a baby out of a woman's stomach, pass the gravy please'.
Detective Olivia Benson: So you just don't talk? You don't tell her anything?
Detective Elliot Stabler: Well one of us has to sleep at night. She thinks I'm shutting her out.
Detective Olivia Benson: You are. It's what you do, Elliot, and if you don't watch it, you're going to lose the best thing you have.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Sugar (#11.2)" (2009)
Detective Elliot Stabler: [to a murder suspect] Do you hear gurgling? That's the sound of you drowning right now.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Possessed (#12.12)" (2011)
Elliot Stabler: I hope you die a slow, painful death! Have a nice day

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Risk (#4.12)" (2003)
[last lines]
Elliot Stabler: Seein' that shrink, did that help?
Olivia Benson: Not much.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Scourge (#2.21)" (2001)
Detective Olivia Benson: What the hell's wrong with this guy?
Detective Elliot Stabler: He thinks he's Jack the Ripper.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Futility (#4.22)" (2003)
Michael Gardner: Why are you harrassing me? I didn't do anything.
Elliot Stabler: Violating an order of protection you moron! You just bought yourself a cell in Rikers.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Bang (#12.22)" (2011)
Ken Turner: Why do you have such a hard-on for me?
Detective Elliot Stabler: 'Cause you can't keep yours out of unsuspecting women.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Ghost (#6.16)" (2005)
A.D.A. Casey Novak: [after Liam Connors was released on his own recognizance] Arrest him.
Roger Kressler: What? This is ridiculous! You can't keep throwing bogus charges at my client!
A.D.A. Casey Novak: Your Honor, my detectives are here to rearrest the defendant.
Roger Kressler: On what charge?
A.D.A. Casey Novak: The murder of ADA Alexandra Cabot.
Roger Kressler: Your Honor, this is a blatant attempt to unlawfully detain my client!
Judge Lois Preston: Save it, counselor. Alex Cabot was a friend of mine. I'll see you both at arraignment.
Liam Connors: You can't prove I killed her.
Detective Elliot Stabler: [Handcuffing Liam] You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Influence (#7.22)" (2006)
Captain Donald Cragen: [Discussing Jamie's rape allegations] So she solicited two of her classmates so a third boy would have sex with her?
Detective Elliot Stabler: It looks that way.
Detective John Munch: When I was a kid, girls who had sex were afraid of being called sluts. Now they're auditioning for the title.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Serendipity (#5.5)" (2003)
Dr. Archibald Newlands: I'm not a pedophile.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Yeah, you are. You're just a well-read one.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Remorse (#1.20)" (2000)
Prison Official: [after Elliot requests a list of prisoners who had contact with a rapist] Do you want a list or a disk?
Elliot Stabler: How many names are we talking about?
Prison Official: 6,322.
Elliot Stabler: Is there any way to separate them by age or race?
Prison Official: No.
Elliot Stabler: Disk.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Stalked (#1.8)" (1999)
[Stabler drove out of his way to check on Benson]
Olivia Benson: I sure as hell wouldn't drive all the way to Queens just to save *your* ass.
Elliot Stabler: Yeah, you would.
Olivia Benson: [pause] OK, but only because you have a wife and kids.
Elliot Stabler: Yeah.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Ace (#11.22)" (2010)
Dr. Kyle Beresford: Tell me something: who rapes a pregnant woman?
Detective Elliot Stabler: Well, for every kink, there's a perv with a dream.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Spectacle (#12.16)" (2011)
Detective Elliot Stabler: It's called the bystander effect. No one does anything because they think someone else will.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Obscene (#6.3)" (2004)
Detective Elliot Stabler: [listening to BJ Cameron on the radio] It is any wonder people want him to shut up?
A.D.A. Casey Novak: Nobody's forcing them to listen.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Doubt (#6.8)" (2004)
Olivia Benson: What happened between you and Kathy?
Elliot Stabler: [shrugs] Uhh, the job. Makes me kind of hard to live with.
Olivia Benson: She should try working with you.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Blood (#6.21)" (2005)
Samantha Beavan: Why are you treating me like I'm a criminal?
Detective Elliot Stabler: 'Cause your baby's toxicology report says that you are one.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Quarry (#6.13)" (2005)
Detective Olivia Benson: Before you had kids, you ever worry what they'd be like?
Detective Elliot Stabler: All the time, I still do.
Detective Olivia Benson: At least you and Kathy know what you're passing on. Half my genes are drunk and the other half are violent and cruel.
[she walks away]
Detective Elliot Stabler: And look how great you turned out. It's not all about the genes, Liv. All you can do is love your kids.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Starved (#7.8)" (2005)
Detective Elliot Stabler: How do you know so much about speed dating?
Detective John Munch: Well, I went through a little dating slump.
Detective Odafin "Fin" Tutuola: Called adulthood.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Deception (#4.2)" (2002)
Detective John Munch: [finds the father dead and the house empty] Where's the rest of the Addams Family?
Detective Elliot Stabler: MIA.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Savior (#11.14)" (2010)
Michael Gallagher: Look, I don't know what you're talking about.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Young hookers. You've got a thing for them.
Michael Gallagher: Absolutely not. I'm a married man.
Detective Elliot Stabler: How about that fourteen year old you were caught diddling?
Michael Gallagher: I was a kid.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Mike, you were twenty-two.
Michael Gallagher: She looked older. I prayed for forgiveness. I never made that mistake again.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Until you met Maggie Ortiz.
Michael Gallagher: Never seen her before.
Detective Elliot Stabler: No?
Michael Gallagher: No.
Detective Elliot Stabler: How about Abby Mannion?
Michael Gallagher: I don't know her, either.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Your penis does. Your semen was found inside her.