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[after Allie swallows a quarter
: Relax. Kids swallow quarters all the time. Melanie
: Really? Grandpa
: Sure. If she craps out two dimes and a nickel, then you can start worrying.
: Pop, I wish you'd try the low-fat bacon. Grandpa Gustafson
: Well, you can wish in one hand and crap in the other and see which gets filled first.
: I'm done. John Gustafson
: Pop, I really wish you'd try the low fat bacon... Grandpa
: Well you can wish in one hand and crap in the other, and see which gets filled first!
: We could have retired in Hawaii. Grandpa Gustafson
: I have been to Hawaii. Mama Ragetti
: Oh yeah? Which island? Grandpa Gustafson
: Come-on-I-wanna-lay-ya. Mama Ragetti
: I find you disgusting. Grandpa Gustafson
: Well, just as long as you find me.
[At Maria's resturante in front of Ariel, Maria and Max
: Nobody slept with anybody.'
[Shows up in the background
] Grandpa Gustafson
: Speak for yourself.
: What the... what the hell is this? John
: That's lite beer. Grandpa
: Gee, I weigh ninety goddamn pounds, and you bring me this sloppin' foam? John
: Ariel's got me on a diet because the doc said my cholestorol's a little too high. Grandpa
: Well let me tell you something now, Johnny. Last Thursday, I turned 95 years old. And I never exercised a day in my life. Every morning, I wake up, and I smoke a cigarette. And then I eat five strips of bacon. And for lunch, I eat a bacon sandwich. And for a midday snack? John
: Bacon. Grandpa
: Bacon! A whole damn plate! And I usually drink my dinner. Now according to all of them flat-belly experts, I should've took a dirt nap like thirty years ago. But each year comes and goes, and I'm still here. Ha! And they keep dyin'. You know? Sometimes I wonder if God forgot about me. Just goes to show you, huh? John
: What? Grandpa
: Huh? John
: Goes to show you what? Grandpa
: Well it just goes... what the hell are you talkin' about? John
: Well you said you drink beer, you eat bacon and you smoke cigarettes, and you outlive most of the experts. Grandpa
: Yeah? John
: I thought maybe there was a moral. Grandpa
: No, there ain't no moral. I just like that story. That's all. Like that story.
: And then the Mama Bear said, "Somebody's been sleeping in my bed, too!" And finally, the Baby Bear looked and he said, "Somebody's sleeping in my bed, and the bastard's still there!" But Goldylocks had a Remington semi-automatic, with a scope and a hair-trigger! Allie, Melanie's Daughter
: That's not the way it goes! Grandpa
: And that was the end of the Three Bears.
: [to Mama Regatti in the produce section of the market
] How about you come back to my place and I'll show you my man-size canalloni.
: What's the matter, beautiful? You're meaner than a dog shitting tacks.
: [after a swig of an alcoholic beverage
: Looks like Chuck's taking old one-eye to the optometrist.
: Kids; Can't live with them, can't shoot them.
: You're supposed to be smoking filter cigarettes. Grandpa Gustafson
: I'm 94 years old. What the hell do I care?
: Drop that fish!
: [speaking of Ariel
] Did you mount her? John Gustafson
] Oh, *Dad*! Grandpa Gustafson
: Wait, wait. Has she got big thighs? John Gustafson
] No. Grandpa Gustafson
: No!? Then what's the problem?