Max Goldman
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Quotes for
Max Goldman (Character)
from Grumpy Old Men (1993)

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Grumpier Old Men (1995)
Maria: I haven't been with a man for a long time
Max Goldman: Me neither.

Max: I am the gangster of love
John: Gangster, huh? So tell me, was it more of a hold up than a stick up?
Max: Even your infantile penis jokes seem funny and witty this morning.

[about talking to one's plants]
Max Goldman: I got a cactus in my bathroom, but we got nothing to say to each other.

Max: Eat my shorts.

[Tv on]
Geraldo: "Lesbian Bandits" next on "Geraldo"
Max: Ooooh Lesbians yummy.

[the elder Mr. Gustafson has passed away]
Max: I knew your old man longer than I knew my own.
John: He was always very fond of you, Max.
Max: He was a good man.
John: The best.
Max: You know I didn't mean what I said about Melanie.
John: And you know how I really feel about Jacob.
Max: Yeah, well, he deserves to be happy.
John: He deserves Melanie.
Max: Hmmmm. Well, whaddya wanna do now?
John: You wanna get drunk?
Max: Yeah.

[after Ariel kicks John out, and Max won't let him spend the night]
John Gustafson: I'm cold.
Max Goldman: [hands him some matches] Here's some matches. Set yourself on fire.

[after finally catching Catfish Hunter]
Max: If I die today, I die a happy man.
John: You die today, I'm taking your motor.

[John charges at Max in a boat]
Max Goldman: You don't have the balls to take me on any more. Ariel's got you neutered.

John Gustafson: This milk has chunks in it.
Max Goldman: What's your point?

John Gustafson: Here, drop anchor.
Max Goldman: You cut the anchor you dumb ass.
John Gustafson: Alright, then grab the net.
Max Goldman: You cut that too you dick head.

John Gustafson: I am going down and apologizing to Maria.
Max Goldman: You traitor, you Benedict Arnold.
John Gustafson: Yeah, yeah.
Max Goldman: Finally. I didn't think he would last that long.
[Grabs milk and smells it]
Max Goldman: Smells alright to me.

John Gustafson: You won't even know I'm here.
Max Goldman: That's because you won't be here.

Max Goldman: If my dog was as ugly as you, I'd shave his ass and teach him to walk backwards.

Max: [Maria kisses Max after they fall to the ground] Mama mia!
Maria: Holy moly!

Maria: Ox
Max: Nag

Max: [to John after Maria dumps spaghetti sauce on them] Do you think we should ask her for some garlic bread?

Jacob Goldman: [Max and Jacob are watching TV when the dog passes gas] UGH! What are you feeding this dog?
Max Goldman: Hormel Chili.
Jacob Goldman: [grimacing] Whoo!
Max Goldman: He likes it.

Max Goldman: [singing] I just met a girl named Maria! And now I plainly see, she's not the bitch I thought she would be!


Grumpy Old Men (1993)
Max Goldman: Good morning, dickhead.
John Gustafson: Hello, moron.

Max Goldman: Do me a favor. Put your lip over your head... and swallow.

Max Goldman: Up yours, Gustafson.

Max Goldman: When I had my ulcers, I was farting razor blades.

Jacob: You're a child.
Max Goldman: Don't tell me Jacob; it isn't me.
Jacob: Oh it never is. Uh huh, I'm sure John started every fight since 1940.
Max Goldman: 38!

Max Goldman: If I had known I would be doing a nude scene, I'd have asked for another million.

Max Goldman: Hey dickhead you win the lottery?

Max Goldman: Did you win the Lottery Dickhead?
John Gustafson: Enjoy your shower Smart Ass?

Max Goldman: Hey, watch your mouth you dumb friggin' Swede.

Max Goldman: You mean the low-life, ass-wipe, egg-sucker John Gustafson?
Snyder: Have you seen him?
Max Goldman: The man's crazy. Loco. Always hanging out around those kinky strip bars. You know, the ones where the men take their clothes off. That's of course if he's taken his medication.
Snyder: Medication?
Max Goldman: Yes, without it he could be anywhere. Wandering around talking to the trees. I'm telling you the man's a menace, he's always drinking, starting fights.

Max Goldman: Who's the guy yakkin' at your door?
John Gustafson: Just mind your own business, will ya?
Max Goldman: Mind your own business, will ya? Mind your own business. Why don't you tie your shoelace, you'll fall on your stupid head.

Weatherman: Cold enough for ya? Brrrrrrr!
Max Goldman: Oh, shut up, fatass!

John Gustafson: Moron!
Max Goldman: Putz!

Max Goldman: John! John! Are you dead?
John Gustafson: Not yet. But I don't want to die looking at your ugly face.

Max Goldman: She chose me, and anyone who says different is a damn liar!

Max Goldman: Gotta use *hot* water, dickhead!

Max Goldman: You know what Jacob said? Jacob said old Billy Hensel was killed in a car crash. Cleared his car straight off the bridge into the Mississippi.
John Gustafson: Lucky bastard.
Max Goldman: You bet.
John Gustafson: Hey, how is he, anyway?
Max Goldman: Dead! Died on impact!
John Gustafson: Jacob, moron, Jacob!

Max Goldman: You're trying to steal her away like you did Mae.
John Gustafson: Oh, well, I'll remind you, Einstein, that Mae was no prize.
Max Goldman: She was to me.
John Gustafson: I was married to the woman for 20 years, she was no prize!
Max Goldman: She was to me.
John Gustafson: Well, that's why you're a moron! If you'd had Mae you wouldn't have had Amy! And Amy was a good woman!
Max Goldman: She was the best.
John Gustafson: Yeah, and she was a darned sight more loyal than Mae ever was!
Max Goldman: Yeah!
John Gustafson: Yeah.
Max Goldman: What?
John Gustafson: What?
Max Goldman: Huh?
John Gustafson: Huh?
John Gustafson: What...?
[Both forget what they were arguing about]