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: Good morning, dickhead. John Gustafson
: Hello, moron.
: Did you win the Lottery Dickhead? John Gustafson
: Enjoy your shower Smart Ass?
: [Bragging about his sexual escapades
] I've laid more pipe in this town than Wabasha Plumbing.
: We did the horizontal mambo.
: Gay or straight? John Gustafson
: Huh? Ariel Truax
: Heterosexual or homosexual? John Gustafson
: Geez Louise! Ariel Truax
: Well, it's a perfectly legitimate question. John Gustafson
: Well, maybe in California, but here in Minnesota... Who-ho-ho-ho!
: You're supposed to be smoking filter cigarettes. Grandpa Gustafson
: I'm 94 years old. What the hell do I care?
: John, when was the last time you made love? John Gustafson
: October 4th... 1978. Ariel Truax
: Oh, I think we're safe.
: Who's the guy yakkin' at your door? John Gustafson
: Just mind your own business, will ya? Max Goldman
: Mind your own business, will ya? Mind your own business. Why don't you tie your shoelace, you'll fall on your stupid head.
: Moron! Max Goldman
: John! John! Are you dead? John Gustafson
: Not yet. But I don't want to die looking at your ugly face.
: I hit the cans again! Chuck
: I heard. How is the Grinch today? John Gustafson
: Ain't got a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out.
: [speaking of Ariel
] Did you mount her? John Gustafson
] Oh, *Dad*! Grandpa Gustafson
: Wait, wait. Has she got big thighs? John Gustafson
] No. Grandpa Gustafson
: No!? Then what's the problem?
: You know what Jacob said? Jacob said old Billy Hensel was killed in a car crash. Cleared his car straight off the bridge into the Mississippi. John Gustafson
: Lucky bastard. Max Goldman
: You bet. John Gustafson
: Hey, how is he, anyway? Max Goldman
: Dead! Died on impact! John Gustafson
: Jacob, moron, Jacob!
: ...very interesting woman. Jacob
: Sounds like a wacko to me. John Gustafson
: I haven't had sex for fifteen years.
: You're trying to steal her away like you did Mae. John Gustafson
: Oh, well, I'll remind you, Einstein, that Mae was no prize. Max Goldman
: She was to me. John Gustafson
: I was married to the woman for 20 years, she was no prize! Max Goldman
: She was to me. John Gustafson
: Well, that's why you're a moron! If you'd had Mae you wouldn't have had Amy! And Amy was a good woman! Max Goldman
: She was the best. John Gustafson
: Yeah, and she was a darned sight more loyal than Mae ever was! Max Goldman
: Yeah! John Gustafson
: Yeah. Max Goldman
: What? John Gustafson
: What? Max Goldman
: Huh? John Gustafson
: Huh? John Gustafson
[Both forget what they were arguing about
: [John is showing Ariel some family pictures
] And these two little guys? John Gustafson
: Oh! That's me and the moron. Ariel Truax
: Is that Max? John Gustafson
: Of course it's Max. He's ugly isn't he? Ariel Truax
: Aw, you mean you were friends? John Gustafson
: I was 10, and didn't know any better. Ariel Truax
: What makes two men spend most of their lives fighting? John Gustafson
: Oh? Guess. Ariel Truax
: A woman!
] Ariel Truax
: How romantic. John Gustafson
: No, it wasn't romantic at all.
: The sequence where Max is pushing John's ice shanty onto the thin ice, Jack Lemmon uses exactly the same dialog that he uses with the character of Max in The Great Race.
: Ohh you don't know a damn things about me... Ariel Truax
: I do too! And I also know the only thing in life, that you regret, are the risks that you don't take.
: I am the gangster of love John
: Gangster, huh? So tell me, was it more of a hold up than a stick up? Max
: Even your infantile penis jokes seem funny and witty this morning.
: Pop, I wish you'd try the low-fat bacon. Grandpa Gustafson
: Well, you can wish in one hand and crap in the other and see which gets filled first.
: I'm done. John Gustafson
: Pop, I really wish you'd try the low fat bacon... Grandpa
: Well you can wish in one hand and crap in the other, and see which gets filled first!
[At Maria's resturante in front of Ariel, Maria and Max
: Nobody slept with anybody.'
[Shows up in the background
] Grandpa Gustafson
: Speak for yourself.
[the elder Mr. Gustafson has passed away
: I knew your old man longer than I knew my own. John
: He was always very fond of you, Max. Max
: He was a good man. John
: The best. Max
: You know I didn't mean what I said about Melanie. John
: And you know how I really feel about Jacob. Max
: Yeah, well, he deserves to be happy. John
: He deserves Melanie. Max
: Hmmmm. Well, whaddya wanna do now? John
: You wanna get drunk? Max
[after Ariel kicks John out, and Max won't let him spend the night
] John Gustafson
: I'm cold. Max Goldman
: [hands him some matches
] Here's some matches. Set yourself on fire.
[after finally catching Catfish Hunter
: If I die today, I die a happy man. John
: You die today, I'm taking your motor.
: This milk has chunks in it. Max Goldman
: What's your point?
: Here, drop anchor. Max Goldman
: You cut the anchor you dumb ass. John Gustafson
: Alright, then grab the net. Max Goldman
: You cut that too you dick head.
: I am going down and apologizing to Maria. Max Goldman
: You traitor, you Benedict Arnold. John Gustafson
: Yeah, yeah. Max Goldman
: Finally. I didn't think he would last that long.
[Grabs milk and smells it
] Max Goldman
: Smells alright to me.
: You won't even know I'm here. Max Goldman
: That's because you won't be here.
: What the... what the hell is this? John
: That's lite beer. Grandpa
: Gee, I weigh ninety goddamn pounds, and you bring me this sloppin' foam? John
: Ariel's got me on a diet because the doc said my cholestorol's a little too high. Grandpa
: Well let me tell you something now, Johnny. Last Thursday, I turned 95 years old. And I never exercised a day in my life. Every morning, I wake up, and I smoke a cigarette. And then I eat five strips of bacon. And for lunch, I eat a bacon sandwich. And for a midday snack? John
: Bacon. Grandpa
: Bacon! A whole damn plate! And I usually drink my dinner. Now according to all of them flat-belly experts, I should've took a dirt nap like thirty years ago. But each year comes and goes, and I'm still here. Ha! And they keep dyin'. You know? Sometimes I wonder if God forgot about me. Just goes to show you, huh? John
: What? Grandpa
: Huh? John
: Goes to show you what? Grandpa
: Well it just goes... what the hell are you talkin' about? John
: Well you said you drink beer, you eat bacon and you smoke cigarettes, and you outlive most of the experts. Grandpa
: Yeah? John
: I thought maybe there was a moral. Grandpa
: No, there ain't no moral. I just like that story. That's all. Like that story.