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Quotes for
Kuzco (Character)
from The Emperor's New Groove (2000)

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The Emperor's New Groove (2000)
[Kuzco and Pacha are tied to a tree branch floating in a river]
Pacha: Uh-oh.
Kuzco: Don't tell me. We're about to go over a huge waterfall.
Pacha: Yep.
Kuzco: Sharp rocks at the bottom?
Pacha: Most likely.
Kuzco: Bring it on.

Pacha: [Both hanging from a bridge, Pacha hits Kuzco in anger] That's for going back on your promise!
Kuzco: [Kuzco hits Pacha] Yeah! And that's for kidnapping me and taking me back to your village! Which I'm still gonna destroy, by the way. Hehehe. No touchy!
[Pacha hits him back]

Pacha: Where'd you come from, little guy?
Kuzco: No... touchy.
Pacha: Demon llama!
Kuzco: Demon llama? Where?
[Turns around and sees Misty, a real llama]
Misty: Maaah.
Kuzco: Aaah!

[after falling into the alligator pit]
Kuzco: Okay, why does she even *have* that lever?

[after firing Yzma]
Kuzco: [sing-song] So... who's in my chaaaaaair?
Kronk: Oh, oh! I know! Yzma. Yzma's in your chair, right?
Kuzco: Very good, Kronk! Here. Get the snack.

[Kuzco considers seven potential brides who all look remarkably alike]
Kuzco: Let's take a look-see. Hate your hair. Not likely. Yikes. Yikes. Yikes. And, let me guess, you have a great personality.

Kuzco: This is Yzma, the emperor's advisor. Living proof that dinosaurs once roamed the Earth.

Kuzco: Okay, I admit it. Maybe I wasn't as nice as I should have been. But, Yzma, do you really want to kill me?
Yzma: Just think of it as you're being let go, that your life's going in a different direction, that your body's part of a permanent outplacement.
Kronk: Hey, that's kinda like what he said to you when you got fired.
Yzma: I know. It's called a "cruel irony", like my dependence on you.

[Kuzco, having changed back into a human and no longer selfish, apologises to Rudy from what happened earlier on]
Kuzco: Look, I'm sorry for tossing you out the window earlier.
Old Man: Oh, it's not the first time I was tossed out of a window, and it won't be the last. What can I say? I'm a rebel.

[Yzma and Kuzco never see each other. When one exits, the other enters]
Yzma: Make me the special. And hold the gravy!
Kronk: Check. Pickup!
Kuzco: You know what? On second thought, make my omelette a meat pie.
Kronk: Meat pie. Check.
Yzma: Kronk! Can I order the potatoes as a side dish?
Kronk: I'll have to charge you full price.
Yzma: [annoyed] Ooh.
Kuzco: Hey, how about a side of potatoes, my buddy?
Kronk: You got it. Want cheese on those potatoes?
Yzma: Thank you, Kronk. Cheddar will be fine.
Kronk: Cheddar spuds coming up.
Kuzco: Spuds yes, cheese no.
Kronk: Hold the cheese.
Yzma: No, I want the cheese.
Kronk: Cheese it is.
Kuzco: Cheese me no "likee."
Kronk: Cheese out.
Yzma: Cheese in!
Kronk: Ah, come on. Make up your mind!
Kuzco: Okay, okay, on second thought...
Yzma, Kuzco: ...make my potatoes a salad.

Kuzco: [as he turns into a Llama from the "drink" he just had] Hey, Kronk, can you top me off, pal, be a friend?

Kuzco: Boo-yeah.

Kuzco: You know, it's a good thing you're not a big, fat guy or this would be really difficult.

Kuzco: [Repeated Line] Boom, baby!

[Kuzko collides with an old man while dancing]
Kuzco: D'oh! You threw off my groove!
Guard: I'm sorry, but you've thrown off the Emperor's groove.
[the old man is thrown out of the palace window]
Old Man: Sooooorry!

Kuzco: Oh, and by the way, you're fired.
Yzma: Fired? W-W-What do you mean, "fired"?
[Kuzco snaps his finger and a servant comes in and writes down Yzma's "pink slip"]
Kuzco: Um, how else can I say it? "You're being let go." "Your department's being downsized." "You're part of an outplacement." "We're going in a different direction." "We're not picking up your option." Take your pick. I got more.

[while Kuzco and Pacha are trying out all of Yzma's potions]
Kuzco: Yay. I'm a llama again!
[beat]
Kuzco: Wait...

Kuzco: I can't believe this is happening!
Yzma: Then I bet you weren't expecting *this*.
[Yzma pulls up her dress. Kuzco and Pacha scream]
Yzma: [revealing a knife strapped to her thigh] Aha!
[Kuzco and Pacha sigh with relief]
Kuzco: Oh, okay.

[after telling Pacha that he intends to destroy Pacha's villiage and build "Kuzcotopia"]
Pacha: But, but, um, where will *we* live?
Kuzco: Hmm. Don't know, don't care. How's that?

Kuzco: Will you take a look at that? Pretty pathetic, huh? Well, you'll never believe this, but that llama you're looking at was once a human being. And not just any human being. That guy was an emperor. A rich, powerful ball of charisma. Oh, yeah! This is his story. Well, actually, my story. That's right... I'm that llama. The name is Kuzco... Emperor Kuzco. I was the world's nicest guy and they ruined my life for no reason. Oh, is that hard to believe? Look, I'll tell you what. You go back a ways, you know, before I was a llama, and this will all make sense.
[cut to Kuzco as an infant]
Kuzco: All right, now see. That's a little too far back. Ooh! Look at me! That's me as a baby.
[breaks doll and begins to cry, immediately a lot more dolls are shoved his way]
Kuzco: Ahem! All right, let's move ahead.

Kuzco: Oh, yeah. This is the real me.
[cut to llama]
Kuzco: Not this.
[back to Kuzco]
Kuzco: This...
[back to llama]
Kuzco: Not this.
[back to Kuzco]
Kuzco: Winner...
[back to llama]
Kuzco: Loser!

Kuzco: What is this guy babbling about? He's like the thing that wouldn't shut up.

Pacha: Emperor Kuzco?
Kuzco: Yeah. Who did you think you were talking to?
Pacha: Um... How did... uh... you don't... *look* like the emperor.
Kuzco: What do you mean I don't look like the emperor?
Pacha: Um... do this.
[wiggles fingers]
Kuzco: What is this, some little game you country folk like to play?
[sees his hoofed hand, gasps]
Kuzco: It can't be! I...
[looks at his reflection in the water]
Kuzco: [Gasps] My face! My beautiful, beautiful face! I'm an ugly, stinky llama! Wah-hah-hah! Llama face!

Kuzco: Wait a minute. I remember you. I remember telling you that I was building my pool where your house was, and then you got mad at me. Oh! And you turned me into a llama!
Pacha: What? No, I did not.
Kuzco: Yes, and then you kidnapped me!
Pacha: Why would I kidnap a llama?
Kuzco: I have no idea. You're the criminal mastermind, not me.
Pacha: What?
Kuzco: You're right. That's giving you way too much credit.

Kuzco: Hey, tiny. I wanna get out of this body. Wouldn't you? Now let's go.
Pacha: Build your summer house somewhere else.
Kuzco: You wanna run that by me again?
Pacha: I can't let you go back unless you change your mind and build your summer home somewhere else.
Kuzco: I got a little secret for you. Come here. No, closer.
[Pacha comes closer]
Kuzco: [loudly, in Pacha's ear] I don't make deals with peasants!

Kuzco: [voiceover] So this is where you came in. See, just like I said, I'm the victim here! I didn't do anything, and they ruined my life and took everything I had.
Kuzco: Hey, give it a rest up there, will ya?
Kuzco: [voiceover] What? I'm just telling them what happened.
Kuzco: Who are you kidding, pal? They saw the whole thing. They *know* what happened.
Kuzco: [voiceover] Well, yeah, but... but...
Kuzco: Leave me alone.

Kuzco: It's my birthday gift to me. I'm so happy.

[Film stops, Llama Kuzco appears on screen]
Kuzco: Uh, excuse me. Two seconds here. I'm the one in the cart, remember? This story is about me.
[Circles the bag on the cart where he is]
Kuzco: Not him.
[Crosses out Pacha]
Kuzco: Okay, we're clear? All right, we're gonna move ahead. Sorry to keep you waiting.
[Exits; returns to scribble over Pacha; realizes he's still on screen, chuckles, then leaves; film starts up again]

Pacha: Okay, once we cross this bridge, it's just an hour to your palace.
Kuzco: Good, because believe it or not, I think I need a bath.
Pacha: I believe it.
Kuzco: What's that?
Pacha: Nothing.

Pacha: [hanging off the bridge] Kuzco!
Kuzco: Yeah?
Pacha: Quick, pull me up!
Kuzco: No, I don't think I will.
Pacha: You're gonna leave me here?
Kuzco: Well, I was gonna have you imprisoned for life, but I kinda like this better.
Pacha: I thought you were a changed man.
Kuzco: Come on, I had to say *something* to get you to take me back to the palace.
Pacha: So all of it was a lie?
Kuzco: Well yeah. No, wait... Oh, yeah, it all was a lie. Toodles!

Yzma: Looking for this?
Yzma: [holds up the vial of human extract]
[Kuzco and Pacha gasp]
Kuzco: No! It can't be! How did you get back here before us?
Yzma: Uh...
[pauses]
Yzma: ...how *did* we, Kronk?
Kronk: Well, ya got me. By all accounts, it doesn't make sense.
[Kronk holds up a map of the two parties' trails, showing Yzma's and Kronk's falling down a canyon halfway through]
Yzma: Oh, well.

Kuzco: When I give the word, your little town thingy will be bye-bye. Bye-bye!

Kuzco: No, no! Don't drop it!
Yzma Kitty: I'm not going to drop it, you fool! I'm going to drink it! And once I turn back into my beautiful self I'm going to *kill* you.

[after getting hit in the head with a frying pan]
Kuzco: You have a lovely wife. They're both very pretty.

Kuzco: [to a Squirrel he finds in the Jungle] Hit the road, Bucky!

Kuzco: When will you learn that all my ideas are good ones?
Pacha: Well, that's funny. Because I thought that you going into the jungle by yourself, being chased by jaguars, lying to me to take you back to the palace were all really *bad* ideas.
Kuzco: Oh, yeah. Anything sounds bad when you say it with that attitude.

Kuzco: Boo-yah! Welcome to Kuzcotopia, my ultimate summer getaway, complete with water slide.

[Pacha has gotten himself and Kuzco tied to a dead tree branch]
Kuzco: Maybe I'm just new to this whole rescuing thing, but this, to me, might be considered kind of a step backwards, wouldn't you say?
Pacha: No, no, no. It's... It's okay. This is all right. We can figure this out.
[the branch cracks]
Kuzco: I hate you.

[the drink is poisoned]
Yzma: Kronk, the emperor needs his... drink!
Kronk: Right. Oh...
[winks at Yzma]
Kronk: ...riiiiiiggghhht.
[goes to grab drink and realizes that he doesn't know which one it is; takes the drinks away to pour the poison again]
Kuzco: Hey, Kronky, everything okay back there?
Kronk: [mixing the drinks together before refilling all the cups] Oh, uh, the drinks were a bit on the, uh...
[small explosion from each of the cups]
Kronk: ...warm side. Hehe. Hey, did ya see that sky today? Talk about blue.
Yzma: Yes, Kronk. Riveting. A toast, to the emperor! Long live Kuzco!
Kronk: [to Yzma trying to make it sound like he's coughing] Don't drink the wine. Poison.

Kuzco: So, you lied to me.
Pacha: I did?
Kuzco: Yeah. You said when the sun hits this ridge just right, these hills sing. Well, pal, I was dragged all over those hills and I did not hear any singing.
[takes Kuzcotopia]
Kuzco: So, I'll be building my summer home on a more *magical* hill. Thank you.
Pacha: Heh. Couldn't pull the wool over your eyes, huh?
Kuzco: No, no, I'm sharp. I'm on it.
[puts the model of Pacha's house back on the hilltop]
Kuzco: Looks like you and your family are stuck on the tuneless hilltop forever, pal.
[Kuzco and Pacha sit in silence]
Pacha: You know, I'm pretty sure I heard some singing on the hill next to us. In case you're interested.

Theme Song Guy: He's the sovereign lord of the nation / He's the hippest cat in creation / He's the Alpha, the Omega, A to Z / And this perfect world will spin / Around his every little whim / 'Cause this perfect world begins and ends with...
Kuzco: Me!

Kuzco: I am one hungry king of the world.

Kuzco: [as a parrot, whilst testing out each of the potions] We're not getting anywhere with you picking the vials. I'm picking the next one.
Pacha: Fine by me!
Kuzco: Give me that one.
[drinks a potion and turns into a whale]
Kuzco: Don't you say a word.

Kuzco: And let's not forget Yzma's right-hand man. Every decade or so she gets a new one. This year's model is called Kronk.

Kuzco: [about Kronk] Oh, he's doing his own theme music? Big, dumb and tone deaf. I am so glad I was unconscious for all of this.

Pacha: Why did I risk my life for a selfish brat like you? I was always taught that there was some good in everyone, but, oh, you proved me wrong.
Kuzco: Oh, boo-hoo. Now I feel really bad. Bad llama.
Pacha: I could've let you die out there in that jungle, and then all my problems would be over.
Kuzco: Well, that makes you ugly *and* stupid.
Pacha: Let's end this.
Kuzco: Ladies first.

Kuzco: [walking back to his palace, alone, in the jungle] Scary jungle. Right.
[in mocking voice]
Kuzco: Oh, a leaf! Oh, it might attack me. Oh, it's a scary tree! I'm afraid. Please. Never find my way? I'm the Emperor, and as such, I'm born with an innate sense of direction. Okay, where am I?
[a fly buzzes nearby and gets caught in spiderweb]
Bug in jungle: Help me! Help me!
[Spider comes and eats the fly off-screen]
Bug in jungle: Too late...
Kuzco: Ok... that's the freakiest thing I've ever seen...

[after Pacha attempted to breathe into Kuzco's mouth after saving him from drowning to see if he was still alive]
Pacha: For the last time, it was not a kiss.
Kuzco: Well, whatever you call it, it was disgusting.

Kuzco: Woo-yeah! Look at me and my bad self! I snatched you right out of the air! "Ooh, I'm a crumbly canyon wall, and I'm taking you with me." Well, not today, pal! Uh-huh! Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh!
Pacha: You just saved my life!

Kuzco: If you had done what I ordered you to do in the first place, we all could have been spared your little "kiss of life".

Kuzco: [watching Yzma talk] Whoa! Look at those wrinkles. What is holding this woman together? What the...
[sees a bit of spinach on Yzma's teeth]
Kuzco: How long has that been there?

Yzma: But... but Your Highness, I have been nothing if not loyal to the empire for... for many, many years.
Kuzco: Hey, everyone hits their stride. You just hit yours fifty years ago.

Kuzco: There's two people in there looking for you.
Kuzco: Who?
Pacha: A big guy and a skinny old woman.
Kuzco: Wait, was this woman scary beyond all reason?
Pacha: Oh, yeah!
Kuzco: That's Yzma and Kronk! I'm saved!

Kuzco: [referring to Kronk] He's... what, in his late twenties?
Yzma: Hehe... I'm... not sure.


Emperor's New Groove (2000) (VG)
Villager Man: Stay away from my statues llama!
Kuzco: Back off, I'm the Emperor! Open the door or I'll smash your statues to pieces!
Villager Man: DEMON LLAMA!
[the Villager man runs away into his hut]

Kuzco: [after being transformed into a turtle] I'm a turtle.

Kronk: Hello little turtle, are you here to enter the annual village race?
Kuzco: Me, race? No sorry, I don't think so.
Kronk: Good, because if you had beaten me, then you would have won this nifty trophy.
[Kronk shows Kuzco the Red Idol trophy]
Kronk: Hmmm. Kronk's got another RED IDOL. No doubt I'm gonna need it to get out of this ridiculous place. Well, why didn't you say so Kronk! Let's go.

Kuzco: [after falling off the ledge and climbing all the way up] Phew, that's quite a climb.
Kronk: Back for more little buddy?

Kronk: [after Kuzco wins the race as a turtle and dances, while Kronk loses and pounds his fists on the ground, Kronk stands up] Ahh gee, I didn't do too well... Here, you can have the trophy.
[Kronk gives Kuzco the Red Idol trophy]
Kuzco: Booya!
Narrator: Checkpoint.


Kronk's New Groove (2005) (V)
Kuzco: At this point you're probably wondering, "Hey, where's that emperor guy?" Wella-wella-boom, baby! Kuzco here, coming to you live from the palace.
Guards: Hail, Kuzco!
Kuzco: Please, don't grovel, it's embarrasing. I'm not like that anymore. I'm a good guy now. Didn't you see the first movie?
[Pulls out a giant poster for "Emperor's New Groove"]
Kuzco: Yay! A 50-foot me! I loved that movie because it was all about me. But now it's Kronk's turn in the limelight. So let me put it as simply as possible: This is his movie, not my movie. His movie, not mine. His, not mine. All right, everybody got it? Even the little ones? Good. So grab some popcorn, take a sippy-sip of your sip stuff, and enjoy. I'll be back later to check up on you. Now, action!

Kuzco: [Appears dressed as Kronk's wife] Boom, baby! Like how I weaseled myself into the movie? Nice.

Kronk: Kuzco?
Kuzco: What's up, hot stuff?
Kronk: [Holds sign saying "Uh oh"]


"The Emperor's New School: Rabbit Face (#1.1)" (2006)
Kuzco: Here comes Kuzco cottontail!

[repeated line]
Kuzco: Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh!


"The Emperor's New School: Squeakend at Bucky's/Kuzco Fever (#1.2)" (2006)
Kuzco: I've been stricken with an ailment! Somebody call a bank!


"The Emperor's New School: Unfit to Print/The Emperor's New Pet (#1.9)" (2006)
[after Kuzco says his best friend is Brad Bowllama]
Malina: 'Brad Bowllama?' What did you do? Look at a bowl and a picture of a llama.
Kuzco: No, that would be stupid.
Malina: I'm surprised that his name isn't Brad Banana-Staircase-Hat