Pee-wee Herman
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Quotes for
Pee-wee Herman (Character)
from Pee-wee's Big Adventure (1985)

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Pee-wee's Big Adventure (1985)
Pee-wee: There's a lotta things about me you don't know anything about, Dottie. Things you wouldn't understand. Things you couldn't understand. Things you shouldn't understand.
Dottie: I don't understand.
Pee-wee: You don't wanna get mixed up with a guy like me. I'm a loner, Dottie. A rebel. So long, Dott.

[after Pee Wee passes out]
Cowboy #1: What's your name?
Pee-wee: I can't remember.
Cowboy #2: Where are you from?
Pee-wee: I can't remember.
Cowboy #1: Can you remember anything?
Pee-wee: I remember... the Alamo.
[Texans cheer]

Pee-wee: Go ahead and scream your head off! We're miles from where anyone can hear you!

Pee-wee: The mind plays tricks on you. You play tricks back! It's like you're unraveling a big cable-knit sweater that someone keeps knitting and knitting and knitting and knitting and knitting and knitting and knitting...

Madame Ruby: For twenty dollars I can tell you a lot of things. For thirty dollars I can tell you more. And for fifty dollars I can tell you *everything*.
Pee-wee: Tell me why I'm here first.
Madame Ruby: You're here because you... want something!

[Dottie answers the phone]
Dottie: Hello?
Pee-wee: Hi, Dottie, it's Pee-wee!
Dottie: Pee-wee? Where are you calling from?
Pee-wee: Texas!
Dottie: Huh?
Pee-wee: Honest! I'll prove it!
Pee-wee: The stars at night are big and bright...
Passersby: [singing and clapping] ... deep in the heart of Texas!

Simone: I know you're right, Pee-wee, but...
Pee-wee: But what? Everyone I know has a big "But...? C'mon, Simone, let's talk about *your* big "But".

Pee-wee: This box contains over 217 bits and pieces of information, evidence. Exhibit A: A photograph of the victims, my bike and me.
[Speck growls]
Pee-wee: Exhibit B: Another photograph. What's missing from this picture? It's just me... WITHOUT MY BIKE!
[Amazing Larry whispers something to Mario]
Pee-wee: Is this something you can share with the rest of us Amazing Larry?
Amazing Larry: Uh... no.
Pee-wee: Exhibit C: The horn I was picking up at Chuck's Bikeorama when my bike was actually stolen!
[Honks the horn loudly scaring everyone]
Pee-wee: Exhibit D: Jimmy what is this? Too late! Chip!
Chip: It looks like a pen.
Pee-wee: Exactly! I bought this pen exactly one hour before my bike was stolen. Why? What's the significance? I DON'T KNOW!

Biker #2: [the whole gang holds Pee-wee hostage] I say we kill him!
Biker Gang: [shout] Yeah!
Biker #3: I say we hang him, *then* we kill him!
Biker Gang: [shout] Yeah!
Biker #4: I say we stomp him!
Biker Gang: [shout] Yeah!
Biker #4: Then we tattoo him!
Biker Gang: [shout] Yeah!
Biker #4: Then we hang him...!
Biker Gang: [shout] YEAH!'!
Biker #4: And then we kill him!
Biker Gang: [shout] YEAH!'!'!
Pee-wee: [tries to throw voice without moving lips] I say we let him go.
Biker Gang: [shout] NO!'!'!
Biker Mama: [whistles] I say ya let me have him first!
Biker Gang: [break out in raucous laughter]

Pee-wee: I'm here to see Francis!
Butler: Francis is busy.
Pee-wee: Busy doing what?
Butler: He's having his bath.
Pee-wee: Oh, really?
Pee-wee: Where are they hosing him down?

Pee-wee: I wouldn't sell my bike for all the money in the world. Not for a hundred million, trillion, billion dollars!
Francis: Then you're crazy!
Pee-wee: I know you are but what am I?
Francis: You're a nerd!
Pee-wee: I know you are but what am I?
Francis: You're an idiot!
Pee-wee: I know you are but what am I?
Pee-wee, Francis: I know you are but what am I? I know you are but what am I? I know you are but what am I? Pee-wee: Infinity!
Francis: No, I'm not.
Pee-wee, Francis: You are! No way! Knock it off! Cut it out!
Francis: Shut up, Pee-wee!
Pee-wee: Why don't you make me.
Francis: You make me!
Pee-wee: Because. I don't make monkeys, I just train 'em.
Francis: Pee-wee listen to reason.
[Pee-Wee cuffs his hand around his ear in a listening motion]
Francis: Pee-wee!
Pee-wee: Sh! I'm listening to reason.
Francis: Pee-wee!
Pee-wee: That's my name, don't wear it out.
Francis: Remember the first time I saw your bike? You came riding past my house and I came running out to tell you how much I liked it even way back then?
Pee-wee: I love that story.
[jumps on bike and pedals away]
Francis: You'll be sorry, Pee-wee Herman!

Pee-wee: I know you are, but what am I?

Francis: Today's my birthday and my father says I can have anything I want.
Pee-wee: Good for you and your father.
Francis: So guess what I want.
Pee-wee: A new brain?
Francis: No. Your bike!

[Pee-Wee looks at Mickey's hand as he is wearing one handcuff]
Pee-wee: What did you do?
Mickey: Well, I lost my temper and I took a knife and I uh-. Do you know those "Do Not Remove Under the Penalty of Law" labels they put on mattresses?
Pee-wee: Yeah.
Mickey: Well I CUT one of them off!
Pee-wee: Jee.
Mickey: Yeah, I have a real bad temper.
Pee-wee: Boy, I always thought that was the dumbest law.

[Pee-wee is offering a $10,000 reward to whoever finds his bike]
Dottie: Pee-wee, how are you ever going to pay a reward like that?
Pee-wee: It's simple. Whoever returns the bike is obviously the person who stole it. So they don't deserve any reward!

Pee-wee: Have a nice day.
Large Marge: Be sure and tell 'em Large Marge sent ya! Heh heh heh heh heh!

[Pee-wee has been picked up by a trucker]
Pee-wee: Some night, huh?
Large Marge: On this very night, ten years ago, along this same stretch of road in a dense fog just like this. I saw the worst accident I ever seen. There was this sound, like a garbage truck dropped off the Empire State Building...
[cut to a few minutes later]
Large Marge: And when they finally pulled the driver's body from the twisted, burning wreck. It looked like this...!
[Turns to Pee-wee and makes grotesque face]
Pee-wee: Aaaaaahh!
Large Marge: Yes, Sir! The worst accident I ever seen.

Pee-wee: Large Marge sent me.
Trucker: Did you say Large Marge?
Pee-wee: She just dropped me off.
Trucker: That's impossible. Large Marge? She's...
Man in Diner: It was ten years ago on a night just like tonight. Why, tonight's the anniversary. Worst accident I ever seen.
Pee-wee: But that means the Large Marge I was riding with was...
All: Her ghost!

[Mario shows Pee-wee a box of new items]
Mario: Fake blood. Or is it?
Pee-wee: Ecchh! No.
Mario: Super stink bomb?
Pee-wee: Have some.
Mario: Shrunken head?
Pee-wee: No.
Mario: Regular size?
Pee-wee: No.
Mario: [brings out an enormous head; laughs deeply]
Pee-wee: NOOOOO!
Mario: Trick gum?
Pee-wee: Okay.
Mario: Headlight glasses?
Pee-wee: Yeah!
Mario: And direct from Australia... The Boomerang Bow-Tie!
Pee-wee: Come in red?
Mario: [Mario extracts a red boomerang bow-tie]

Pee-wee: Aren't we gonna see the basement?
Tina: [laughs] There's no basement at the Alamo!

Pee-wee Herman: [as hotel desk clerk; in deep voice] Paging Mr. Herman! Mr. Herman, you have a telephone call at the front desk!

Pee-wee: There's a lotta things about me you don't know anything about, Dottie. Things you wouldn't understand. Things you couldn't understand. Things you shouldn't understand.

Simone: [sees her ex-boyfriend] Andy!
Pee-wee: ANDY?'!

Pee-wee: [falls off bike after attempting tricks] I meant to do that.

Mr. Breakfast: Good morning, Pee-wee!
Pee-wee: Good morning, Mr. Breakfast!
Mr. Breakfast: Can I have some Mr. T cereal?
Pee-wee: Okay!
[imitates Mr. T as he prepares his Mr. T cereal]
Pee-wee: I pity the poor fool who don't eat my cereal!

[three hours into Pee-wee's long evidentiary meeting, Pee-wee shows a scale-model of the mall where his bike was stolen, with arrows pointing certain spots as well as the X showing where his bike was]
Pee-wee: Exhibit Q: a scale-model of the entire mall! X marks the scene of the crime. These arrows here show the exact position of the sun at the hour of the crime. Jupiter was aligned with Pluto! The moon was in the seventh...
Chuck: Pee-wee!
Pee-wee: Please save your questions until I'm THROUGH, Chuck!
Chuck: Well, when will that be? A long time, we wait! We've been here for over three hours now, and I'm not sure if any of us can see what all this is supposed to mean.
Pee-wee: Supposed to mean? Supposed to MEAN?
[breaks his pool cue]

[Everyone is leaving Pee-wee's basement, just as Pee-wee goes on with his evidentiary meeting]
Dottie: Pee-wee, let's go up and get some fresh air, alright?
Pee-wee: What for?
Dottie: Because it's hot in here.
Pee-wee: Hot? Who's hot? Feels just fine to me.
Pee-wee: I feel just PERFECT! In fact, I can't remember when I felt quite so COZY down here!
Dottie: Pee-wee, I think I can get Chuck to give you a good break on one of the bikes in the shop.
Pee-wee: I don't want some other crappy bike!
Dottie: Well, Pee-wee, listen, if you want my help...
Pee-wee: [shouting] I DON'T want your help! I don't need the police and I DON'T NEED YOU!

Simone: Do you have any dreams?
Pee-wee: Yeah, I'm all alone. I'm rolling a big doughnut and this snake wearing a vest...

Simone: [in French] Ah! Pee-Wee! Haha! C'est magnifique! Voici Pierre.
Pierre: Bonsoir.
Pee-wee: Ditto. Here, brought you guys French Fries! Hahaha!
Simone, Pierre: [together] Merci beaucoup, Pee-Wee!
Pee-wee: Merci-bleh-bleh!

[last lines]
Pee-wee: Come on, Dottie. Let's go.
Dottie: Let's go? Don't you wanna see the rest of the movie?
Pee-wee: I don't have to see it, Dottie. I lived it.

Mother Superior: Oh Rusty, you are an inspiration to us all!
Pee-wee: I'll say! I'm going to start a paper route right now.

Biker #1: Did anybody tell you that this is the private club of the Satan's Helpers?
Pee-wee: Nobody hipped me to that, dude.
Biker #1: It's off-limits!

Mickey: [comes out of the window of a prison bus after seeing the first part of Pee-wee's movie] Great so far, Pee-wee. Action-packed!
Pee-wee Herman: [hands Mickey his refreshments] One soda. One foot-long.
Policeman #2: Hold it.
[he sees a small metal file and picks it out of the footlong]
Mickey: Good try, Pee-wee.
Pee-wee Herman: Look, Mickey!
Mickey: [after seeing a scene in the movie with Pee-wee] Wow! That's fantastic, Pee-wee!
Pee-wee Herman: Thanks!

Mr. Buxton: [after Pee-wee and Francis wrestle in the bathtub and Pee-wee is trying to open a window] Pee-wee, Pee-wee! What is going on here?
Pee-wee Herman: He's a thief! He stole my bike!
Francis: You liar! I swear I didn't do it, Dad!
Mr. Buxton: Pee-wee, this is a serious accusation. Do you have any proof?
Pee-wee Herman: Well, not exactly.
Mr. Buxton: Pee-wee, the Buxtons are not thieves. Just look at him.
[Francis gives a sad puppy face]
Mr. Buxton: He couldn't have stolen your bike. He hasn't left this house since yesterday. We've been setting up Francis' birthday plans all day.
Pee-wee Herman: Gee, I guess I was wrong. We don't have to involve the authorities in this matter, do we, Mr. Buxton? It was an honest mistake, and I'm very sorry.
Mr. Buxton: Well... I still think you should apologise to Francis, and then I want to see the two of you shake hands.
Pee-wee Herman: I'm sorry, Francis.
[Shakes his hand, and reaches for his trick gum]
Pee-wee Herman: Here, would you care for some gum?
[Francis takes a piece of trick gum]
Pee-wee Herman: Would you like some, Mr. Buxton?
Mr. Buxton: Oh, thank you.
Pee-wee Herman: Spearmint or fruit?
Mr. Buxton: Uh, fruit please.
[Takes a piece of trick gum]
Pee-wee Herman: [leaving] Well... goodbye!
Mr. Buxton: Goodbye.
Francis: You do believe me, don't you, Dad?
[as Francis chews the spearmint trick gum, the saliva in his mouth turns black. Mr Buxton screams as he realizes his own fruit trick gum is spicy]

Pee-wee: [Knocks on the door to Francis' house and his butler comes to the door] I wanna see Francis.
Butler: Francis is busy.
Pee-wee: Busy doing what?
Butler: Busy having his bath.
Pee-wee: Really, where are they hosing him down?
[the Butler slams the door, and Pee-wee knocks on it again, and the Butler answers again]
Pee-wee: Me again.

[first lines]
Pee-wee: Look out, Mister Potato Head!

Pee-wee: Life can be so unfair.
Mickey: You telling ME?

Pee-wee: How do ya like school, Billy?
[as BIlly]
Pee-wee: Closed!

Radio DJ: [Pee-wee goes to a radio station to post a $10,000 reward for the recovery of his bike] Well, that is some story Pee-wee and with the kind of reward money you're offering, I'm sure a lot of our listeners will be searching.
Pee-wee: Oh, my name's engraved on the back of the seat. That's Pee-wee Herman. P-E-E,
Francis: [turns off radio] That does it! He just won't let up. I changed my mind. I don't want the stupid bike anymore.
Francis' Accomplice: Well, a deal's a deal. So... fork over my money for lifting it for you... Buxton!
Francis: [Pays his friend] Here. Take the bike with you. Just get rid of it.
Francis' Accomplice: [Takes some more money from Francis] That'll cost you extra. See you later sucker!

Pee-wee: Is this something you'd like to share with the rest of us, Amazing Larry?

Christmas at Pee Wee's Playhouse (1988) (TV)
Ms. Yvonne: Aren't you going to comment on my hair?
Pee-wee: Wow! Christmasy! But what's the plant growin' out of it?
Ms. Yvonne: It's mistletoe! You're always supposed to kiss somebody if they're standing underneath the mistletoe! This way, I'm assured hundreds and hundreds of kisses from everyone!
Pterri: Stand over here.
Chairry: Stand over here!
The Fish: Come over here and give us a big, wet kiss!
Ms. Yvonne: Oh, don't worry. There's enough of me for everybody!

Pee-wee: [guiding everyone in Christmas carols] Deck-the-Halls!
Everybody: Deck the Halls with Boughs of Holly/Fa la la la la, la-la la la...
Pee-wee: Sleigh bells!
Everybody: Sleigh bells ring, are you listening...
Pee-wee: No, No! Sleigh bells! On the roof! Do you know what that means?
Reba: You've had too much eggnog?
Pee-wee: No, get out the milk and cookies! Hurry!

Ricardo: Felis Navidad, Pee-Wee! That means Merry Christmas in Spanish. Say it! Felis Navidad...
Pee-wee: Felis Nabeeblah...
Ricardo: Felis Navidad...
Pee-wee: Felis NaBeeBLAH...
Ricardo: Right...

Pee-wee: That was Cher! Cher was right over there! In the same room as my chair! I hope I didn't stare! Oh well! I don't care!

Pee-wee: Ooooh, snow! Snowflakes! Snow drifts! Ew, yellow snow!

Pee-wee: Now I'm going to make an angel in the snow. If you don't have snow at home, just use 20 pounds of coconut shavings!

Pee-wee: I was kind of hoping maybe you'd give me an extra wish.
Jambi: Extra wish? You want an extra wish? What do you think this is, Christmas?
Pee-wee: Well... Yeah.
Jambi: Oh. Okay.

Pee-wee: The stockings were hung by the chimney with care, and I hope everything on my list will be there.

Pee-wee: You're the greatest Santa there ever was!
Santa Claus: I know you are, but what am I?

Pee-wee: I'm going to have to call you back, I got Dinah Shore on the other line.

Pee-wee: Excuse me, Miss Yvonne, but before you go making out with everybody in the playhouse, how about forking over that gift?

Pee-wee: Hi, Magic, what are you doing inside the Magic Screen?
Magic Johnson: The Magic Screen and I are cousins.

Frankie Avalon: Pee-Wee, we've finished the Christmas cards.
Annette Funicello: Exactly 1,000.
Pee-wee: Ooh, let me count them. Ha ha, just kidding. Now you can start making the envelopes.

Whoopi Goldberg: Hi, Pee-wee, Merry Christmas. I was just wondering if I could be on your Christmas special.
Pee-wee: I'm awfully sorry, Whoopi, but I've already booked too many stars as it is.
Whoopi Goldberg: Oh. Well, how about next Christmas?
Pee-wee: Next year's special is already booked too. I might be able to squeeze you into the Christmas special two years from now.
Whoopi Goldberg: Two years from now? Oh, okay. That's alright. Would you do that?
Pee-wee: I'm not promising you anything now, Whoopi.

King Of Cartoons: Guess what I've got for you, Pee-Wee?
Pee-wee: It's not a fruit cake, is it?
King Of Cartoons: No, of course not. It's two fruit cakes.

Pee-wee: Do you get presents on Hanukkah?
Mrs. Rene: 'Do you get presents on Hanukkah?' We exchange gifts eight nights in a row.
Pee-wee: Wow!
Mrs. Rene: So just in case I miss you, here are seven more fruit cakes.

Pee-wee: [Dictating Christmas list] Alright, Conky, "In conclusion, add to that a pup tent, football, new train set, seven encyclopedias and one of those dolls you fill up with the gooey-gloopy stuff." Sign it, um, "Most sincerely yours - especially on this holiday season - Your Pal, who's been very, very, very, very, very good all this whole year long, Pee-Wee 'I'm not kidding about how good I've been' Herman. P.S., I really have been good. Please believe me, Santa, please! Please and thank you. I've practically been an angel".
Conky: Gee-gee-gee, Pee-Wee, do you think you asked for enough?
Pee-wee: Hmm, no. But I didn't want to appear to be greedy. Print that out, would you, Conky?
[When the list is printed, it is several miles long]

Pee-wee: Christmas is the time we should be thinking about what we can do for others.

Randy: There ain't no such thing as Santa Claus.
Pee-wee: Alright, I'll just take your stocking down.
Randy: Wait a minute, Pee-Wee, let's not be hasty here. Why not leave it up? Just for decoration, you understand.

Chairry: Got you!
Pee-wee: Thanks, Chairry! Where would I be without you?
Chairry: On the floor!

Pee-wee's Big Holiday (2016)
Pee-wee Herman: Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows?
Mrs. Rose: Corduroy pillows? No.
Pee-wee Herman: Ha! I'm surprised. 'Cause they're making headlines! Get it? Headlines!
Mrs. Rose: Oh!

Pee-wee Herman: A traffic light! Just like I've seen in National Geographic!
[takes a flash picture of it]

Pee-wee Herman: L.A.T.T.I.H.T.B.G! Look at the time, I have to be going!

Construction Worker: I'm taking this biscuit with me. I love it.
Pee-wee Herman: Why don't you marry it then?

[first lines]
Pee-wee Herman: [sitting on a log in the dark woods] Wow, I can't believe we're already saying goodbye.
Voice of Yul: It's been great getting to know you, Pee-wee Herman. Earth sure is a great planet. Your art, music, pizza...
Pee-wee Herman: You sure took to the customs fast.
Voice of Yul: Thanks for showing them to me.
Pee-wee Herman: I've loved these last two weeks.
Voice of Yul: I wish I didn't have to go.
Pee-wee Herman: Me, too.
Voice of Yul: Come with me, back to my planet. Meet my family and friends. Live with me.
Pee-wee Herman: I can't. I need to stay here with the people of Earth.
Voice of Yul: I'll always remember you too, Yul.
Pee-wee Herman: I'm gonna miss my new best friend. I'll never forget you, Pee-wee.

[repeated line]
Pee-wee Herman: You seem really busy. Let me let you let me run.

Pee-wee Herman: You know I don't want to go anywhere, or try anything new.

Pee-wee Herman: What can I get you?
Joe Manganiello: Milkshake.
Pee-wee Herman: Flavor?
Joe Manganiello: Let's say chocolate.
Pee-wee Herman: Sure. 3, 2, 1,
Pee-wee Herman, Joe Manganiello: chocolate.

Pee-wee Herman: I've never each been on an airplane.
Joe Manganiello: No! The only thing you're gonna learn about yourself on a plane is if you like the honey-roasted peanuts better than the plain salted. If you're really hungry, the open road is a smorgasbord of life experience. A few days on the open road is worth a lifetime in Fairville. Way I see it, Pee-wee Herman, you got a choice to make. Stick around here,
[starts his motorcycle]
Joe Manganiello: or live a little...

Pee-wee Herman: [to his bank robber captors] Listen ladies, it's been real and it's been fun. Has it been *real* fun? Nope. Mm mm.

Farmer Brown: [all taking a hand around the table] Would you like to say a few words, Pee-wee?
Pee-wee Herman: Uh, sure. Encyclopedia. Pimple. And uh, hairball.
Farmer Brown: Amen.

Pee-wee Herman: I gotta be on my way. How do you get out of here?
Grizzly Bear Daniels: You don't! Not without a seasoned guide. Someone who knows these woods like the back of their weathered hand. Someone who's lived with nature, since they decided to live alone, off the grid as a hermit, and leave the dog-eat-dog world to certified public accounting.

Ezekiel: The Amish people live a simple life.
Pee-wee Herman: Gesundheit.

Pee-wee Herman: I did everything you said, Joe. I broke rules. I broke hearts. I lived a little. I wanted to find out who I was. But I found out all right. A stupid little baby crying at the bottom of this crappy well.

Pee-wee Herman: Aren't we going to the party.
Joe Manganiello: Pee-wee, we *are* the party.

Big Top Pee-wee (1988)
Pee-wee: I call it... the hot dog tree, because... it's a hot dog tree.

Vance: So how was lunch?
Pee-wee: Fine, let's go get something to eat.

Winnie: [witnessing Pee-Wee and Gina sharing a long kiss] Pee-Wee!
Gina Piccolapupula: Who is that?
Pee-wee: Her? Oh, she's my fiancée.
[Gina slaps Pee-Wee and takes off]

Pee-wee: [singing] Pee-wee Herman had a farm, E-I-E-I-O!

Pee-wee: [milks cow]
[tastes milk]
Pee-wee: Mmm, chocolatey!

Pee-wee: Look, Vance: The calla lilies are in bloom a-gain.

Vance: We do not want to end up with a low potassium level.
Pee-wee: Duh, Vance! You'd think I never went to agricultural junior college!

Pee-wee: [children are staring at them] Why don't you take a picture? It'll last longer!
School children: [whip out cameras, flashbulbs go off]
Pee-wee: Ahh! Paparazzi!
[poses suggestively]

Pee-wee: Good morning, Vance!
Vance: Morning, Pee Wee.
Pee-wee: Hah! Beautiful day, huh? Mm-mm!
Vance: Mm... It's okay.
Pee-wee: [singing] Mm mm mm mm... Ah! Doo doo... Doo-doo. Mm mm mm, mm... Mm. Mm-mm-mm... Mm mm-mm-mm... La-la la-la... Ah! Pkhh!
Vance: My, we are certainly in a good mood this morning.
Pee-wee: That, my dear Vance, is the understatement of the year. Everything seems completely different to me today. The air smells so fresh. The sky seems a brand-new shade of blue. I don't think I've ever noticed the beauty of this leaf. And Vance! Have you always been so handsome?
Vance: What the...

Pee-wee: [shouts impatiently] All I wanted was a measly sandwich! I very nicely explained that I was starving. I'm starving! PLEASE!
Mr. Ryan: [defeatedly] Sorry, ladies. I guess you'll just have to wait. You remember, no one is as important in this community as Pee-wee Herman. All you other shoppers will just have to play second fiddle to Pee-wee. I guess that's just the way things are around here. My whole purpose in life is to serve Pee-wee Herman. And everything else comes second!
[finishes Pee-wee's sandwich]
Mr. Ryan: There's your sandwich. Is there anything else I can do for you, Pee-wee?
Pee-wee: Well, I would like a pickle if it's not too much trouble.
Mr. Ryan: No! No trouble at all, Pee-wee. Sorry, Otis. Sorry, Deke.
[opens a barrel, knocking over Otis and Deke's chess board; extracts a pickle and hands it to Pee-wee]
Mr. Ryan: Game's over. Pee-wee Herman wants a pickle. Here. Here's your darned pickle. Are you happy now?
Pee-wee: Mmm-hmm.

The Pee Wee Herman Show (1981) (TV)
[Miss Yvonne notices Pee Wee looking depressed and he explains why]
Pee Wee Herman: Once upon a time, there was this boy, and he knew this beautiful woman. It's not you, though. Well, the beautiful woman tells this boy that she has this secret wish, and her wish is that she wants this guy to really like her. So, anyway, the boy makes this huge, personal sacrifice and he gives his wish away.
Miss Yvonne: To the beautiful woman?
Pee Wee Herman: That's right.
[He leaps up from his seat, clearly agitated]
Pee Wee Herman: It's not like the boy expects like he's gonna get anything in return or anything, but... but then he doesn't *get* anything in return; nothing happens! Nothing happens at all! Zip, zero, zilch, they're ain't nothing, no advancements, no nothing! It just doesn't seem fair. It's not like the boy doesn't have a wish of his own. Now I'm never gonna get to...
[He realizes his mistake]
Pee Wee Herman: I mean, now the *boy* is never gonna get to fly... I gotta go be myself, Miss Yvonne.
[He hurries out the door]
Miss Yvonne: No, Pee Wee, stay here with me!
Pee Wee Herman: [crying] No! No!
Miss Yvonne: Oh, poor Pee Wee. Just call me Miss Bungle.

Pee Wee Herman: [Hammy's fly is down] Hey Hammy, got a license to sell hot dogs?

Pterri: They say that Karl is a bad mother...
Pee Wee Herman: Shut your mouth.
Pterri: Well I was only talking about Karl.
Pee Wee Herman: I can dig it.

[Pee Wee is hypnotizing a member of the audience]
Pee Wee Herman: JOAN! Joan! Listen to me, Joan! You are getting drowsy Joan. Your eyelids are getting very very heavy, Joan. You are beginning to feel yourself slipping into a hypnotic state. Just listen to my voice, Joan. Ahhhh... Ahhhh... Ahhhh... Your eyelids are very heavy, Joan. You are hypnotized. Do ya feel hypnotized, Joan?
Joan: Yes!
Pee Wee Herman: [looks shocked] You do?
Pee Wee Herman: I mean, you dooooo!

Pee Wee Herman: Hi, Kap'n Karl!
Kap'n Karl: Hello, Pee Wee.
Pee Wee Herman: [Karl is fishing] Fishing, huh?
Kap'n Karl: Yeah, I'm fishing!
Pee Wee Herman: I've been wishing.
Kap'n Karl: Well, you can't live on wishes, Pee Wee, you can live on fishes!

Pee Wee Herman: If I could fly, I'd be the luckiest boy in the world!

"Pee-wee's Playhouse: The Restaurant (#1.7)" (1986)
Pee-wee: Hi, Jambi. It's time for my wish!
Jambi: So what do you want?
Pee-wee: Oh, come on! Say it like a real genie!
Jambi: Oh, alright.
[in an ethereal voice]
Jambi: Your wish is my command, oh wise and powerful master!
[in his normal voice]
Jambi: So what do you want?

Pee-wee: Let me see, what should I wish for? Hmm? Let me see. I don't know. Hmm, I wish I knew what to wish for.
Jambi: [granting wish] It is done.
Pee-wee: [excited] I know what to wish for!
Jambi: [smiles] It's too late.
Pee-wee: What do you mean?
Jambi: You already had your wish.
Pee-wee: No, I haven't.
Jambi: Yes, you did.
Pee-wee: No, I didn't.
Jambi: Yes, you did.
Pee-wee: No, I didn't.
Jambi: Yes, you did. I'll prove it to you. Here's an instant replay on the Magic Screen.
[Magic Screen replays the whole scene for Pee-wee]
Pee-wee: What a gyp. You tricked me! I want another wish.
Jambi: You know the rules, Pee-wee: Only one wish per show.
Pee-wee: No! No! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no...

Pee-wee: So, where's the King of Cartoons?
Dixie: [turns toward the door] Hey, Your Majesty... STEP ON IT!

Captain Carl: I'll have the lobster.
Pee-wee: I wouldn't recommend that.
Captain Carl: Why not?
Pee-wee: Because we're out of it.

Pee-wee: [after the Salesman visited, the doorbell rings yet again, so Pee-wee opens the door and says] Look, Mr. Salesman...
Captain Carl: Who you callin' Salesman?
Pee-wee: Captain Carl!
Captain Carl: Ahoy, Pee-wee!

Captain Carl: [after ordering everything off the menu, only to find out they are out] What do you have?
Pee-wee: A peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Captain Carl: I'll take that then.
Pee-wee: Would you like that on white, whole wheat, rye or...

"Pee-wee's Playhouse: Fire in the Playhouse (#4.2)" (1989)
Pee-wee Herman: [to Pterri] Pterri, That's enough screaming for the secret word.
Pterri: [In a panic attack] NO! NO! PEE-WEE, LOOK!
[Screams in a panic attack as the alarm sounds]
Pee-wee Herman: [as he goes into the kitchen] THERE'S A FIRE IN THE PLAYHOUSE!

Fireman Frank: [to the other firefighters] Okay, that's it, fellas. See you back in the station.
[to the cast]
Fireman Frank: Hello, I am Fireman Frank.
Miss Yvonne: Hi.
Fireman Frank: Are all you folks alright?
Everybody: Yes.
Fireman Frank: Fortunately, there wasn't a fire, just a lot of smoke. But smoke can be just as dangerous. And here's what must have started it.
[shows off the homemade bread, blackened and burnt]
Miss Yvonne: Oh, no, my bread!
Fireman Frank: Too bad. I love homemade bread.
Miss Yvonne: I'll put the recipe on a card, with my phone number.
Pee-wee Herman: I don't get it, Fireman Frank. What could've made the bread burn like that?
Fireman Frank: Pee-wee, just about anything will burn at 700 degrees.
Miss Yvonne: Seven hundred? But I set the temperature myself at 350! Didn't I, Pee-wee?
Pee-wee Herman: Yeah.
Fireman Frank: Somebody must have turned it up.
Randy: [appearing beside them] So, is that bread ready yet?
Pee-wee Herman: No, Randy, the bread is burned because SOMEBODY turned the temperature WAY UP on the oven! Got any ideas on who might've done something STUPID like that?
Randy: [sheepishly] Uh... me?
Pee-wee Herman: Randy, you know you're not supposed to touch the oven.
Randy: I do now. Gee, I'm sorry about the bread, Pee-wee. I'll go down to the bakery and get you another one.
[everyone screams, as "one" is the secret word]
Pee-wee Herman: Randy, I don't care about the bread, I care about the safety of everybody in the playhouse.

Fireman Frank: Then you should make sure the playhouse is fire safe.
Pee-wee Herman: Well, How do we do it, Firefighter Derrick?
Fireman Frank: Conduct fire alarms. To make sure everybody know where and how to exit the house quickly in the event of a fire. And you should have smoke detectors placed through out your home. To warn you in if there is smoke or fire.
Pee-wee Herman: have a smoke detector, In my bedroom.
Fireman Frank: Remember to test them once a month to see if it's in good working order.
[We see Pee-Wee Herman test the smoke detector]
Fireman Frank: Replace frail electrical cord, And don't overload your socket. Get rid of rubbish. And make sure all flammable stuff are stored in a safe place away from the heat. And remember: You never, ever play with matches.
Pee-wee Herman: Is there anymore to say, Derrick?
Fireman Frank: Yes, a lot of information are found at your local fire department.
[He gives Pee-Wee Herman a sticker with his phone number]
Fireman Frank: Here is my phone number. Place that sticker near your telephone.

"Pee-wee's Playhouse: Reba Eats and Pterri Runs (#3.1)" (1988)
Pee-wee: Jambi, Pterri ran away! I wish he'd come back!
Jambi: Pee-wee, I've already granted your one wish. Besides, you just can't wish your problems away.
Pee-wee: Well, I seem to have been able to do it up until now!
[everybody screams]

[Pterri has flown into Pee-wee's house of cards, knocking it down]
Pee-wee: Pterri!
Pterri: [realizing what he had done] Oops.
Pee-wee: Pterri, I told you not to play Acapulco Cliff Diver in the Playhouse!
Pterri: I'm sorry. Will you go outside and play with me now?
[everyone screams]
Pee-wee: After you've picked up each and every one of these cards.

"Pee-wee's Playhouse: Rainy Day (#1.3)" (1986)
Pee-wee: [crying] I wish it would stop raining!
Jambi: Wish? Did somebody say "wish"?
Pee-wee: Jambi, please! I wish it would stop raining! I wish it would stop raining!
Jambi: You only get one wish!
Pee-wee: That was so funny I almost forgot to laugh!

The Female Stranger: Hello?
Pee-wee: Uh, Is your refrigerator running?
The Female Stranger: I had just about enough of this. And besides, My husband is a police officer.
[to Gerald]
The Female Stranger: Oh, Gerald?
[Gives the can to the police officer]
Gerald, The Police Officer: Yes, dear.
[to Pee-Wee]
Gerald, The Police Officer: What your name, kid?
Pee-wee: Uh, Pee-Wee Herman.
Gerald, The Police Officer: Well, You listen to me, Pee-Wee Herman. Making prank phone calls is against the law! If I was not such a nice guy, I would had taken you downtown and throw you into JAIL! And be on the criminal record for the rest of your life. Would you like that?
Pee-wee: No sir, I mean, No officer.
Gerald, The Police Officer: Alright, I'll let it go this time. But next time, You are going to JAIL!
Pee-wee: There won't be a next time, I learned my lesson. Honestly.

"Pee-wee's Playhouse: Playhouse in Outer Space (#2.9)" (1987)
Zyzzybalubah: [contacting Pee-wee via picture phone] Earthling, listen to me. I speak to you from the furthest reaches of outer space.
Pee-wee Herman: Hmm, good connection. You sound next door.
Zyzzybalubah: Silence! You are under my power! My transport ray is aimed at your playhouse, and in a moment, you will begin your journey to my planet.
Pee-wee Herman: Let me get this straight: are you saying we're going into outer space?
Zyzzybalubah: Duh!
Pee-wee Herman: [emerging from the picture phone booth] Transport ray, I'm so sure.
[suddenly, the whole playhouse is lifted off the ground and into space]

Zyzzybalubah: I'm ready for some more fun. Entertain me! Make me laugh!
Reba - Mail Woman: We don't feel like laughing, Zyzzybalubah.
[everyone screams at the secret word]
Zyzzybalubah: Well, that's not a very friendly attitude. You're no friends of mine!
Pee-wee Herman: That's right, we're not.
Zyzzybalubah: How dare you! I brought you here to be my new friends!
Pee-wee Herman: Well, you got the wrong idea. Friends are people that you care about and who care about you. You brought us here without even asking us if we wanted to come! And you haven't exactly been treating us the way friends should be treated!
Zyzzybalubah: You're right. I don't have any friends. The reason I didn't ask you come is because I knew you'd say no. Nobody likes me.

"Pee-wee's Playhouse: Pajama Party (#2.10)" (1987)
Cowboy Curtis: Uh, listen. Can I uh.. talk to you over here in private for a minute? I got just a little problem.
Pee-wee: What's the matter, Cowboy Curtis?
Cowboy Curtis: Well, it's like this Pee-wee: I knew I was coming over here to spend the night and all. And then it dawned on me that this here's a pajama party and...well, I don't have any pajama's to wear.
Pee-wee: What do you sleep in, Cowboy Curtis?
Cowboy Curtis: [shrugs] Nothing! I sleep in the nude!

Pee-wee: Hey, Jambi. Cowboy Curtis needs a pair of pajamas for the party. I wanted to make it my wish for the day.
Jambi: PJ's huh? Well cowboy, what sort of fashion statement would you like to make? Trendy? Traditional? Sensuous? Sensational?
Cowboy Curtis: Well I uh, I'd kind of like something with a cowpoke flavor to it!
Jambi: Of course.
Jambi: Spirits of the tumbleweed, help our cowboy friend in need! See him fitted tight in PJ's that are outta sight!

"Pee-wee's Playhouse: Pee-wee Catches a Cold (#2.4)" (1987)
Knucklehead: Knock knock!
Conky, the Robot: It's Knucklehead!
Pee-wee: Can you answer it, Conky?
Conky, the Robot: Yes I can.
Pee-wee: WILL you answer it, Conky?
Conky, the Robot: I don't know, will I?
Knucklehead: Knock knock!

Pee-wee: Stories never make me sleepy.
Miss Yvonne: Once upon a time...
Pee-wee: [Immediately falls asleep]

"Pee-wee's Playhouse: Ice Cream Soup (#1.1)" (1986)
Pee-wee Herman: [crying] It's ruined! There's way too much chocolate in my ice cream soup! My snack is ruined!
Conky: Don't cry, Pee-wee. There is a solution to every problem. Just add more ice cream.
Pee-wee Herman: [brightening up] Yeah! Thanks, Conky!

Randy: Hi-ya, Pee Wee. Hi-ya, PA-terri.
Pee-wee Herman: That's pronounced "terri." The "p" is silent.
Randy: [rudely] Oh. Okay, Ee Wee.

"Pee-wee's Playhouse: Luau for Two (#1.2)" (1986)
Captain Carl: You know, Pee-wee, there's a real twisted side to you.
Pee-wee: Thank you, Carl.
Captain Carl: [stares] You're welcome.

Mr. Knucklehead: Knock, knock.
Pee-wee: Who's there?
Mr. Knucklehead: How are ya?
Pee-wee: How are ya who?
Mr. Knucklehead: How are ya gonna decide who to take to dinner?
[laughs and hops away; Pee-wee looks shocked]
Pee-wee: I don't know! I DON'T KNOW!

"Pee-wee's Playhouse: Let's Play Office (#4.9)" (1989)
[Pee-wee and Miss Yvonne are playing office, with Pee-wee as boss and Yvonne as secretary]
Pee-wee Herman: Take a letter.
Miss Yvonne: Yes, sir.
Pee-wee Herman: Dear Mr. Jones... Uh, uh, read it back to me.
Miss Yvonne: "Dear Mr. Jones..."
Pee-wee Herman: Oh yeah. Dear Mr. Jones: How are you? How is your business? My business is fine. Please write back soon. Your friend... Uh, no, make it "Sincerely yours"... No, make it, uh... "Yours truly..." No, make it, uh... "Very truly yours..." No, make it, uh, "Your pal, truly and sincerely, Pee-wee - best regards - Herman. P.S., give my best to your family." No, make it, uh, "Give my regards to your family." No, make it, uh... "Please remember me to your family."

"Pee-wee's Playhouse: Ants in Your Pants (#1.8)" (1986)
Pee-wee Herman: [walking up the wall wearing wall-walker shoes] If you don't have wall-walker shoes, please don't try this at home.

"Pee-wee's Playhouse: Now You See Me, Now You Don't (#1.4)" (1986)
[the secret word is "little" and Pee-wee is trying to trick Mr. Window into saying it]
Pee-wee: Hey, Mr. Window, what's the opposite of big?
Mr. Window: Small?
Pee-wee: No.
Mr. Window: Tiny?
Pee-wee: No.
Mr. Window: Teeny?
Pee-wee: No.
Mr. Window: Itsy-bitsy?
Pee-wee: No!
Mr. Window: Petite.
Pee-wee: No.
Mr. Window: Miniscule.
Pee-wee: No!
Mr. Window: Dinky?
Pee-wee: No!
Mr. Window: Then what is it, Pee-wee?
Pee-wee: Little!
[everyone screams]

"Pee-wee's Playhouse: To Tell the Tooth (#3.2)" (1988)
Pee-wee Herman: [in pain from a toothache] HELP! JAMBI, HELP!
[he pounds on Jambi's box]
Pee-wee Herman: JAMBI! HELP!
[he keeps pounding on the box and calling Jambi's name, until it finally opens, revealing not Jambi, but an answering machine - the genie is on vacation]
Jambi: [on answering machine] Hi. I'm not here to grant your wish right now. So leave your name and wish after the beep, and I'll be back to grant it just as soon as I can.
[there's a comically loud "BEEP!" on the machine, and the box closes]

"Pee-wee's Playhouse: Camping Out (#5.8)" (1990)
Pee-wee: I want everybody in bed by 7:00.
All: Aww.
Pee-wee: Alright, midnight.

"Pee-wee's Playhouse: Love That Story (#4.3)" (1989)
[Pee-wee tells his favorite story]
Pee-wee: Once upon a time, there was a boy named Pee-wee, who had a playhouse filled with lots of friends and cool stuff. They had so much fun together that they completely lost track of the time, and they all lived happily ever after. The end.
[everybody screams]

"Pee-wee's Playhouse: Mystery (#5.2)" (1990)
[Pee-wee has lost one too many of his items]
Pee-wee Herman: [enraged] That does it! I HAVE HAD ENOUGH!
[slowly walks toward the camera]
Pee-wee Herman: They can take the suit off your back. They can take your special cereal bowl and spoon. They can even take your album of photo memories.
[by now, he has come up extremely close the camera]
Pee-wee Herman: But when they mess with your dots... they go too far!

Cheech and Chong's Next Movie (1980)
Pee-wee Herman: Hey, you guys look a little familiar to me!
Dwayne 'Red' Mendoza: Hey, you smell kinda familiar.
Pee-wee Herman: Ha, ha, ha. I'm the comedian. I'll tell the jokes, if you don't mind! If you think it's so easy, why don't you come up here and do it?
Gloria's Mom: Yeah, go up there and tell a joke!
Pee-wee Herman: That's right! You come up here and do it!
Dwayne 'Red' Mendoza: Okay!
Chong: Yeah, man!
Pee-wee Herman: Fuck this. I'm going somewhere else. Hey, hey, here!
[gives Red the finger and storms off]