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: [to Gertie
] You're the only thing I was ever good at.
: Thank you, Daddy. Ollie
: Anything for you, Gert. You know why? Gertie
: Why? Ollie
: 'Cause you're the only thing I was ever really good at.
: I hate you! I hate you! I wish you died, not MOMMY! Ollie
: I hate you right back you little shit! You and your mom took my life away from me. I just want it back!
: "Cats" is the second-worst thing that ever happened to New York City.
[after talking to Gertie, after finding her with Brian without their pants on
: Do you have any questions about what you saw? Gertie
: [thinking hard
] Do you have what Brian has? Ollie
: Yes. Gertie
: [after thinking hard again
] Is it as big as his? Ollie
: Sadly, yes.
: George Michael is all about the ladies. "I want your sex". Does that sound like he's singing to a guy?
: [very pregnant Gertrude is getting ready for the VMAs
] You try getting ready quickly when you look like this! I'm so fat and there's gonna be nothing but beautiful skinny girls there! Ollie
: That's because they're all coked-out whores, honey. Gertrude Steiney
: [now crying
] I wanna be a coked-out whore!
: They're just skinny because they're coked out whores. Gertrude Steiney
] I wanna' be a coked-out whore! Ollie
: Okay. You can be a coked-out whore. You can be a coked-out, coked-out whore.
: I do it at least twice a day. Ollie
: Good God!
: Come on, Dad. Don't you wanna live alone again? Bart
: Not as much as I don't wanna die alone.
: If Gertie could see the shit you've been pulling. Ollie
: Gertie can't see anything, Dad. She's dead. Bart
: That's right, she is. But you ain't. And neither is that kid.
: 'Ey, you Brickman? Ollie
: No. I'm just a guy who'd rather play in the dirt with his kid.
: What's your daughter's name? Ollie
: Gertrude. Will Smith
: Damn, why'd you do that man?
: Isn't that cute? It's 8 o'clock and you both get a bottle.
: [having just been asked to come to the bar with Gertie and Bart
] No, that's OK, I'll stay here and do the dishes. I only cooked, why shouldn't I clean? Bart
: Suit yourself. Don't wash that pan, I got a nice layer of juice built up for the pork roll, and I don't want you scrubbing it off. Ollie
: That 'juice' is called grease, dad. It's bad for you. It clogs your arteries. Bart
: It's called 'juice'. And it greases your father's insides so he can better swallow the shit his son feeds him twice a year, when he can be bothered to come to visit him.
: Did Mommy like New York? Ollie
: Yeah, she loved it. Gertie
: Then I guess I will too.
: You know, you really had me scared for a moment there. Ollie
: Awww, who knew. All these years you were nursing a little stage fright! Bart
: Not that, smart-ass.
: Convincing a town to approve something that's already in their best interest, that's just delayed common sense!
: Why don't you go get yourself a boyfriend? Maya
: Why don't you go get yourself a girlfriend? Ollie
: I spend all day working and spend all night with my kid. Maya
: So you would rather spend time with your daughter than get laid? Ollie
: Yeah. Maya
: That's sweet. I'm kind of crushing on you, Trinke.
[Gertie and Ollie are at a video store
: You should be a dance teacher, like Johnny in "Dirty Dancing." Ollie
: l should? Should l say, ''Nobody puts Baby in a corner''? Gertie
: Oh, can we rent "Dirty Dancing" again? Ollie
: Ohh... "Dirty Dancing" ranks one notch below "Cats" in my book. Can you pick out something else? Gertie
: Can we rent this?
[gives Ollie the box to "Men in Black"
: [while examining the movie
] Absolutely not. Go pick out something from the children's section. Gertie
: All those movies suck! Ollie
: Watch your language!
[Ollie grabs a video from the adult video section
[Maya arrives at the front door
: [to Maya
] Hey! You're the lady from the video store. Ollie
: Let's not use that term too loosely, okay? Go back and watch your video.