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: Hey, have you ever noticed the crack on my ceiling? Ryan
: Dude, you're action-packed with issues.
: If I told you, "Don't think about the color red", what would you think about? Matt
: You stupid, stupid... silly little person.
: [upon learning Matt's given up sex for Lent
] One - you can't do it. It's j... This isn't a personal attack towards you, I'm just saying that no man can do it. It goes against nature. The male was biologically designed to spread his seed, Matt. You're gonna piss off the seeds, man! You're gonna... It goes against science! You wanna be the guy who goes against science? Matt
] And two? Ryan
: Two - are you out of your fucking mind? You're the guy who can't finish a sandwich! You think you can go 40 days? Four... Do... This isn't normal. Did your brother put you up to this or something? Matt
: No. You know what? He's about as supportive as you are. And what do you care, anyway? This doesn't affect you in any way. Ryan
: You... This affects everyone.
: You gotta help me. You gotta light a candle for me or something. John Sullivan
: I'm not lighting a candle so you can feel better about getting laid!
: Listen, isn't part of the priestly thing giving relationship advice? John Sullivan
: Relationship advice, yes - sex advice, no. Part of the priestly thing - and stop calling it that - is not to have sex, remember? Matt
: Now, it's funny - I didn't say a thing about sex. John Sullivan
: Sure you did. Matt
: No, I didn't. I guess thinking about sex *is* part of the priestly thing - at least for some. John Sullivan
: Get out. Matt
: [after Matt badly fakes an orgasm
] What the fuck was that? Matt
: W-what? Susie
: Did you cum? Matt
: Yeah. Susie
: No you didn't. You faked it. Matt
: No, no, no. What're you... Guys don't fake it. I don't even think that we can. Susie
: You faked it.
: Look, Matt, I know you're still trying to work out your Nicole issues with the big black hole, but trust me, trust me... Matt
: I don't have any Nicole issues. Ryan
[Ryan picks up an old picture of Matt and Nicole
: 'Hi, I'm one of the many pictures of Nicole that infest Ryan and Matt's apartment after six months.' And she's hot, Matt, I don't mind looking at her. I'm just saying you have issues.
: [suffering through his 40th day of sexual abstinence
] I almost fucked an outlet today.
: So you're not into her? Matt
: Oh, I'm totally into her. Ryan
: So how can you not want to fuck her?
: This is a photocopy of Candy's ass? Matt
: Yup. Ryan
: You're gonna call her, right?
[gets no reply, returns to the picture
: Obviously, you're gonna call her.
: Everything was going great until you had to... I stopped having sex, I'm totally falling for Erica, and I'm finally over Nicole Ryan
] You really think you're over her? Matt
: Fuck yeah! Bitch.
[in the toilet, Matt discovers Jerry is in the next booth masturbating
: Jerry? Jerry Anderson
: Uh, Jerry's not here right now. May I take a message?
: Don't you ever feel like you just keep meeting the same exact people over and over? You know, like people that went to *this* kind of college and... Matt
: And now in *that* kind of job, right? Erica
: Yeah. I wanna have a party with a list on my door of all my friends and friends of friends, and if you're on that list, or know somebody on that list, then you cannot come in. Matt
: How do you know I am not on that list? Erica
: Nobody on that list would have talked to me like you did last week. Or *not* talked to me.
: You never think about me anymore? Not even just a little? Matt
: Let me put it this way: I have thought about you - about us - a lot, but tonight, when you came in, was the first time I didn't get all fucked up about it.
: [Ryan enters Matt's bedroom wearing rubber gloves and carrying a portable ultraviolet light
] Surprise inspection. Matt
: What the hell's that thing? Ryan
: It's a special light that allows me to see if any fluids have been liberated.
[Examines Matt's bed, finds nothing
: Keep up the good work.
: [bursting into his brother's chamber
] You gotta help me! John Sullivan
: You gotta knock! Matt
: I'm seeing things! I swear to God, everywhere I look I'm seeing tits and ass. When I came in here, I swear to God, I thought I saw you kissing a nun. Oh, my God! You *were* kissing a nun!
: Yesterday, I was fine. I mean, physically speaking, I was fine. But today? I'm not fine. This morning at the coffee shop they were unofficially sponsoring Hot Women Wearing No Bras Day.
: [Tripping out on his 40th day of sexual abstinence, Matt wistfully rubs his thumb over the breasts of a Mrs. Butterworth syrup bottle
] She's filled with Heavenly sweetness. Ryan
: [taking the bottle away
] I somehow don't think *Mr.* Butterworth would appreciate that very much.