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: [seeing a jar with a yellowish fluid inside
] Hey, it's about time man. Hey, what do you got man? Give me some. Chong
: What? Cheech
: Give me a drink, man. C'mon man, give me a drink! Chong
: [Points to jar
] Of this? Cheech
: Yeah! Chong
: Go ahead man, help yourself! Cheech
: Wait a minute
[Sniffs the Jar
: Hey man, that's pee! Chong
: No kidding. Cheech
: What are you doing with pee? Chong
: It's for my probation officer. Cheech
: Why, does he drink pee? Chong
: No man, last week I was supposed to bring some in, you know? and I forgot the wash the jar out first. so they see all that mayonnaise floating around in there, and they think I'm on some kind of weird drug again! Cheech
] Alright! Chong
: And I'm really going to fuck with his mind this time. Cheech
: Why, what'd you do? Chong
: I had my sister pee in it. Cheech
: Yeah? Chong
: Yeah, and she's pregnant man!
[after shifting gasoline that has spilt on their clothes, Chong tries to light a joint
: You got a light, man? Chong
: Huh, oh yeah, here
[hands him a lighter
: Hey I don't think you better light it in here, man. Chong
: Why? Cheech
: Ah, these gas fumes, man. Chong
: Oh man.
[flicks the lighter
: I don't know.
[the inside of the car explodes
: Want me to teach you some Spanish, man? Chong
: Okay. Cheech
: When you see a friend, you say, hey, how's it going, pendejo? Chong
: Hey, how's it going, pendecko? Cheech
: ...yeah, that's close enough. Chong
: What does that mean, man? Cheech
: Oh, it means my really good friend. Chong
: How's it going, pend... Pen... how was that, again? Cheech
: Pendejo. Chong
Dwayne 'Red' Mendoza
: Cheech! Hey, you old pile of horse shit! How are you? God damn, you got ugly! How ya doing, man? Chong
: Good, man. Dwayne 'Red' Mendoza
: I haven't seen you in ten years, man! Chong
: I'm not Cheech, man. Dwayne 'Red' Mendoza
: What? Chong
: I'm Cheech's friend Chong. Dwayne 'Red' Mendoza
: Oh, hey, Ching! Good to meet you!
: Hey, you guys look a little familiar to me! Dwayne 'Red' Mendoza
: Hey, you smell kinda familiar. Pee-wee Herman
: Ha, ha, ha. I'm the comedian. I'll tell the jokes, if you don't mind! If you think it's so easy, why don't you come up here and do it? Gloria's Mom
: Yeah, go up there and tell a joke! Pee-wee Herman
: That's right! You come up here and do it! Dwayne 'Red' Mendoza
: Okay! Chong
: Yeah, man! Pee-wee Herman
: Fuck this. I'm going somewhere else. Hey, hey, here!
[gives Red the finger and storms off
: You're driving like an idiot, man. Cheech
: I just can't get used to these automatics, man. Chong
: Yeah, they are real complicated, aren't they?
: I dig it, man. It's good. But you know, while you were singing that, I came up with another song, man. Cheech
: Oh, yeah? Chong
: Yeah. It's like the same thing, only different.
: You know what we should in vest in? An old age home for hippies. Cause, think about it, hippies have been around since the 60's man, and now there isn't really a hip place for them to go anymore. So, you know, it would be a home where they could smoke all the dope they'd want and listen to all the music they want, you know. Cheech
: Oh yeah, we could call it Vatoland.
: Hey, how much money do we have now? Cheech
: All together? Chong
: Yeah, all together? Cheech
: Let's see, mmm, uh, oh man! We have 17 million dollars! Chong
: Really? Cheech
: Oh wait, well um, 17, something. Who cares, were rich, man.
: Man, I can't believe you. Every time you do coke this shit happens. Chong
: Hey, wait a minute man, how come every time I do coke you say that 'every time you do coke' thing?
: Man, Shelock Holmes does coke!
: Will you sell me some of that stuff, man? Howie Hamburger Dude
: I sell sea shells.
: Sometimes it's not even the drugs that'll kill you man. What really kills you is looking for drugs.
: [to Cheech
] Hey, look... dude laid some peyote on me man!
: [on several cups of coffee, driving
] It was Rock 'n Roll that killed Elvis, man!
] Got one leg on my shoulder. Two legs on my shoulder.
[muffled singing continues
: You know I could be your daddy Cheech
: you could be my daddy, man? Chong
: yeah, I used to fuck buffalo.
: [as Blind Melon Chitlin
] I wanna sing a little tune I wrote one day while I was beatin' my old lady, it's called "GOING DOWNTOWN GONNA SEE MY GIRL"