Doug Madsen
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Quotes for
Doug Madsen (Character)
from Wild Hogs (2007)

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Wild Hogs (2007)
Doug Madsen: You screwed up their lives? And by doing that, you decided to screw up our lives? Asshole!

Dudley Frank: [upon seeing Maggie] She is perfect.
Doug Madsen: You like the waitress?
Dudley Frank: Oh, man. I wanted to say something funny to her, but all I could think of was black jokes.
Bobby Davis: Like which ones?
Dudley Frank: I forget.
Bobby Davis: Why don't you tell the one that ends with you getting your ass whooped.
Dudley Frank: Would that be funny?
Bobby Davis: I'll be laughing. Oh, I'll be cracking up.

Doug Madsen: You're the sheriff, aren't you going out there?
Charley: Hey, I took my law enforcement course on the internet! For arms training they just told us to play Doom!

Woody Stevens: Come on, guys, we're exhausted. I think we should take the bikes back to the hotel, put them in a shed with the doors closed, and then play Scrabble in the room with the shades down.
Doug Madsen: Look Aunt Bea, maybe you want to do something else here in Mayberry!

Doug Madsen: Woody, sorry I said you had ego issues.
Woody Stevens: Sorry I said you were a pussy.
Doug Madsen: You didn't call me a pussy.
Woody Stevens: Well, not to your face, but that's what I was thinking.

Doug Madsen: Did he just say "cracker"?
Dudley Frank: "Cracker-ass."
Doug Madsen: Oh, perfect.

Doug Madsen: You're the sheriff, why don't you go out there?
Charley: I'm the sheriff of a town of 500 people. I got my qualification from a course on the internet. For my arms training, they just told me to play Doom!

Doug Madsen: Well, what has your wife ever made us?
Bobby Davis: Hard.

Highway Patrolman: 4 counts of indecent exposure... 2 counts of lewd, lascivious behavior, and one count - pure jealousy
Doug Madsen: [shocked] Huh?
Highway Patrolman: [Smiling] How you doing?

Dudley Frank: I got a tat.
Doug Madsen: Hell just froze over.
Woody Stevens: Let's see it!
Dudley Frank: I'm a biker dude!
[shows tattoo of Apple logo]
Woody Stevens: It's an Apple.
Dudley Frank: I know, it's trademarked, but what are they gonna say... It's in my skin, bitch!

Doug Madsen: [convincing him to go skinny-dipping] Come on...
Woody Stevens: Fine, I will get naked with my gay friends. If any of them look at my junk, I will kill them!

Jack: I knew you assholes the minute I laid eyes on you! Look at the four of you!
Doug Madsen: You don't know us.
Jack: [to Doug] You think I don't know you? You're probably a... podiatrist or an ear-, nose-, and throat-specialist.
Doug Madsen: I wish.
Jack: An orthadontist?
Bobby Davis: Close enough.
Jack: [turns to Bobby] Bobby, guarantee you're hen-pecked! The wife wears the pants!
Bobby Davis: You know my wife?
Jack: [to Dudley] And you, no luck with women. I guarantee you bag your own shit.
Dudley Frank: Wow, you're good. What color am I thinking of?
Jack: Shut up!
[turns to Woody]
Jack: And you, you're the biggest poser of them all... aren't ya, Squinty! Go home!

Doug Madsen: Woody, remember the theme of this trip? "Whatever", remember? "Whatever?"
Woody Stevens: Okay, fine! Fine. We'll stay the night, and get gas in the morning. Okay.
Doug Madsen: Calm down. I just don't understand what your rush is.
Woody Stevens: I'm not in a rush, man. I just wanna ride, man. I just wanna ride. You know? Sally, ride. You are so weird! You ask some weird shit and say the weirdest things. Why don't you just, what, what?

Woody Stevens: Come on, let's go!
Doug Madsen: What's your rush?
Woody Stevens: Come on, man, it's the open road. Riding free, that's the rush! This isn't freedom, this is a gas station built by the man, a prison for our souls!
Bobby Davis: my soul needs something to drink.
Dudley Frank: We'll get gas at the next station, come on Wild Hogs! Let's go! Woo-hoo!

[last lines]
Doug Madsen, Dudley Frank, Bobby Davis, Woody Stevens: Wild Hogs!

Doug Madsen: Look, guys, sign at the curve of the road!
Bobby Davis: Madrid.
Woody Stevens: Spain?

Doug Madsen: Ooh boy, my ass is sore.
Dudley Frank: Mine too, its Woody's fault for riding us so hard yesterday. The human body wasnt made to stradle something that big for that long.
Woody Stevens: Well ya know its gonna hurt a little bit but that's all part of the experience. Its why we didnt bring our wives.
Bobby Davis: Wut da...? What the hell? Someone wanna explain to me why I'm the one in the dirt? When I got sore jaws from 3 hours of blowin...
[notices Highway Patrolman]
Bobby Davis: .
Highway Patrolman: Please... Please, for the love of God, finish your sentence.

Dudley Frank: [to Woody] 60% of motorcycle fatalities can be avoided by using the proper protective headwear.
[holds up his helmet]
Doug Madsen: What's that leather condom gonna protect you from? Snoopy? The Red Baron? Dating?

Woody Stevens: [jumps in the water naked, shivering] Whoa, that's cold!
Woody Stevens: Why are you naked?
Dudley Frank: I thought we were doing this wild and free thing. You guys kept your skivvies on?
Doug Madsen: Yeah, there might be snappin' turtles or somethin'.
Bobby Davis: I kept mine on because I didn't want it to get dark in here!

Doug Madsen: Did you ever wake up one morning and wonder what happened to your life?
[Woody nods his head]
Doug Madsen: You know, I thought my life would be an adventure. All of a sudden, I'm a suburban dentist.
Bobby Davis: Look, Doug, I feel your pain, man. I mean I swore I would never return to a job where I had to where condoms on my shoes.
Woody Stevens: You're still at The Firm?
Bobby Davis: Yea. I get yelled at by an ungrateful wife. I swear the whole thing has made me...
Doug Madsen: ...a wimp.
Bobby Davis: I was gonna say miserable.
Bobby Davis: [pause] What? You think I'm a wimp?
Doug Madsen: No, I thought you were gonna say wimp, so I'd thought I'd say it for you.
Woody Stevens: You're a wimp, Bobby. I'll say it. I mean you're afraid of women. It's kinda embarrassing.
Dudley Frank: I'm afraid of women.
Woody Stevens: You're afraid to talk to women. Bobby's afraid they'll kill him in his sleep.
[Doug and Woody laugh]
Dudley Frank: Wow... now I'm really afraid of women.

Woody Stevens: The trip is over because some tattooed bullies pushed us around?
Doug Madsen, Bobby Davis: Yeah.

Doug Madsen: You know what's so stupid about this? We wanted to be like you guys.You know... because what I see here is just a bunch of grown men whose biggest decision in life is 'sleeveless or... uh... sleeveless? Do I shit behind the rock or over there by that bush?' Grown men... this is pathetic! You go ahead kick our ass, okay, because we are not the posers. You guys are the posers!

[Woody, Doug and Bobby are surrounded by mean-looking bikers. Woody takes off his shades and narrows his eyes, in a poor attempt to look intimidating. Doug and Bobby do not understand what he is doing, and the bikers are unimpressed]
Jack: Wh... what is that supposed to be? Is he blind?
Doug Madsen: He wasn't when he walked in here.