Joe Pendleton
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Quotes for
Joe Pendleton (Character)
from Heaven Can Wait (1978)

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Down to Earth (2001)
Lance Barton: I had a hard enough time trying to get this girl as a rich white man. Do you know how hard it's gonna be to try to get her as a broke black man?

Lance Barton: My father's so cheap... that when we went to bed, he'd unplug the alarm clocks. "You can't tell time when you are asleep".

[after learning that he wasn't supposed to die]
Lance Barton: You killed me! You killed me! You killed me!

Lance Barton: Tiger Woods Y'all, Tiger Woods Y'all!, Tiger Tiger Tiger Tiger Tiger Woods Y'all!

Lance Barton: Shut up before I crush you with my wallet!

Lance Barton: From now on, we need to make a new slogan. If you get shot in the head, you get a bed. If your head is bloody, we're your buddy.

Lance Barton: Didn't your momma ever tell you to carry an extra handcuff key?

Lance Barton: Look, I don't have a problem with Sontee. I wanna ask her on a date.
Mrs. Wellington: Oh, Charles!
Lance Barton: Don't "Oh, Charles" me! You were gonna have sex on the pool table! You got an 8 ball in your ass!

Lance Barton: We're goin' in there. If you can walk, let's walk. If you can't walk, it's time to roll. If you have crutches, then crutch your ass in there!

Lance Barton: When I was a kid, we were so poor... that the roaches was on welfare.

[Lance and King looking at Charles Wellington's body]
Lance Barton: How am I supposed to get laughs lookin' like him?
King: Aw, c'mon, he looks funny to me.
Lance Barton: I already get booed, do I really have to be beat down on it?

Lance Barton: If you're good looking, you're gonna succeed through life. If you're ugly, you better pick up a book. Boy, you better pick up two books, and a computer while you're at it!

Lance Barton: What is this place?
Keyes: This is heaven.
Lance Barton: Oh, right, I've had this dream before. Is Pac in there?

Lance Barton: You see this foot? It's from a little town called "Rich Man's Ass" and it's getting' homesick!

Lance Barton: There's a big rap concert in the Bronx tonight. Somebody's gonna die.

Sontee Jenkins: What kind of man are you?
Lance Barton: Sounds like I'm an asshole!

Lance Barton: Hey I still look like me.
King: You are you.
Lance Barton: I thought I was Wellington.
King: You are Wellington.
Lance Barton: Well thanks for clearing that up.

Lance Barton: I got hit by a truck, I got smashed by a car, I got shot. And now you want to take my soul? What are you, the Blair Witch?

[after almost getting in a car accident]
Lance Barton: Sontee, you okay?
Sontee Jenkins: Yeah, I'm okay, Cisco, you okay?
Cisco: Yeah, I'm okay, Wanda, you okay?
Wanda: Hell no! I spilled my drink!

Lance Barton: [As Charles Wellington, after offering Wanda a raise]
Lance Barton: Are you happy?
Wanda: I'm estatic.

Lance Barton: [as Joe Guy, referring to Wanda's paint-stained coat] You know, your coat's bleeding.
Wanda: Mind yo' business!

[reincarnated for the second time as 'Joe Guy', Lance tries to hail a taxi, but they keep driving past him]
Lance Barton: I'm a black again! I'm a black man!

Lance Barton: You know, the first kiss is always in the middle of a sentence. It's always like, "Tomorrow I'm going to the zoo to see the monkeys and..."
Sontee Jenkins: Or it could be like..."Did you hear about that new war in Russia? I heard..."
Lance Barton: So I can call you, right? I mean, just to talk.

Heaven Can Wait (1978)
Max Corkle: You be the trainer and I'll start on Sunday.
Joe Pendleton: I'm starting against Dallas? What about Jarrett?
Max Corkle: They don't want to go with Jarrett. They want to go with you. Happy Birthday, Joe!

Joe Pendleton: She loves me, Mr. Jordan!
Mr. Jordan: Joe, you must abide by what is written.

Joe Pendleton: Do I... play Polo?
Sisk: Not really, sir.

Joe Pendleton: I'm not supposed to be here.

Joe Pendleton: I'm not really Leo Farnsworth.

Joe Pendleton: We don't care how much it costs, just how much it makes. If it costs too much, we charge a penny more. Would you pay a penny to save a fish who thinks?

Here Comes Mr. Jordan (1941)
Messenger 7013: I have an idea, Mr. Jordan, couldn't we have him reborn?
Joe Pendleton: Nothing doing; I'm not gonna go through *that* again!

Joe Pendleton: I don't want anybody's body. I want my body!

Joe Pendleton: [Joe and Mr. Jordan are looking for a body for Joe to inhabit] You can't palm off a second-rater on me. You gotta remember I was in the pink!
Mr. Jordan: That is becoming a most obnoxious color, Joe.