Philip J. Fry
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Quotes for
Philip J. Fry (Character)
from "Futurama" (1999)

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"Futurama: The Why of Fry (#5.8)" (2003)
Ken: You are the last hope of the universe.
Fry: So I really am important? How I feel when I'm drunk is correct?
Ken: Yes - except the Dave Matthews Band doesn't rock.

[having been trapped in a parallel universe]
The Big Brain: Well, here we are. Trapped for eternity.
Giant Brain #1: We could sing 'American Pie'.
Fry: Go ahead. I deserve it.

Nibbler: I didn't travel back in time! My people lack that ability.
Fry: But... I know you in the future! I clean your poop!
Nibbler: Quite possible. We live long and are celebrated poopers.

Leela: You know, Fry? I don't care if you're not the most important person in the universe. It really makes me happy to see you right now.
Fry: Then I am the most important person in the universe.

Fry: [discussing Fry being his own grandfather as a result of going back in time and getting with his grandmother] I did do the nasty in the past-y.
Nibbler: Verily. And that past nastification is what shields you from the brains!

Fry: There are guys in the background of Mary Worth comics who are more important than me.

[after his memory is erased]
Fry: Huh. Did everything just taste purple for a second?

Fry: What really killed the dinosaurs?
The Huge Brain: Me!

Leela: We're back from the mission.
Fry: Wha... You went without me?
Bender: You were looking up curse words in the dictionary. It seemed like a better use of your time.

[as Fry is trying to pick up Nibbler's anti-matter poop]
Smitty: Whoo-hoo-hoo, smells like a 289 in progress.
URL: Failure to scoop. Aw, yeah.
Fry: Wait, I'm trying. It weighs as much as a thousand suns.

Fry: Aw, Nibbler, at least I'm important to you, even if only 'cause I clean up your poop.
Nibbler: The poop eradication is but one aspect of your importance.
Fry: [nods in agreement until he realizes] Gaah! D-D-Did you just talk?
Nibbler: Indeeed. And I have other amazing powers as well.
Fry: Like what?
[Nibbler knocks Fry unconscious and drags him away]

Fry: I'm sorry I missed the mission. I wasn't there, and you might have needed me.
Bender: Nope.
Fry: But if I've been there...
Bender: Nope.
Fry: Look...
Bender: Nope.
Fry: Bender is great.
Bender: Nope... Aw!

Fry: Delivery boy Philip J. Fry, reporting for duty.
Dr. Zoidberg: Doctor Zoidberg, soaking in brine.

Nibbler: Do you remember some months ago when the Earth was under attack by flying brains?
Fry: Hmmm. I remember the square-dancing stomachs, but that might have been a Mylanta commercial.

Fry: Aah! Brains!
Ken: Fear not, mighty one. Your missing brain waves make you invisible to them, so long as you avoid intense thinking.
Fry: Sorry, what? I wasn't paying attention.
Ken: That is most wise.
Fry: Who?

Fry: What happened to me, Philip J. Fry, on the night of December 31st, 1999?
The Huge Brain: Clarification request: Are you the Philip J. Fry from Earth, or the Philip J. Fry from hovering squidworld 97-A?
The Big Brain: Earth, you fat idiot. Hurry up!

Nibbler: What is one life weighed against the entire universe?
Fry: But it was my life!

Ken: Fry, it is my solemn duty to inform you that the fate of humanity, the fate of our race, indeed, the fate of all that exists and ever will exist, rests with you. You are the most important person in the universe.
Fry: Oh, snap!

Ken: For a thousand years, the evil Brains have been constructing the Infosphere, a giant memory bank the size of three ordinary memory banks.
Fry: What's so evil about that?
Fiona: They plan to collect all information in the universe and store it in the sphere.
Fry: So they're trying to learn things?
Fiona: Right.
Fry: Those bastards!
Nibbler: Being brains, they feel compelled to know everything, and soon they will.
Fry: I'm as mad as I've ever been!
Ken: Once their task is complete, they will ensure that no new information arises in the only way possible: by destroying the universe.
Fry: Now it's personal!

Fry: Is it true the back of stamps are made out of...
The Huge Brain: Correct! Toad muccus!

Fry: Hey. Did everything just taste purple for a second?

Fry: [Discussing Fry being his own grandfather as a result of going back in time and getting with his grandmother] I did do the nasty in the past-y.
Nibbler: Verily. And that past nastification is what shields you from the brains!

Fry: I'm nobody. There are guys in the background of Mary Worth comics who are more important than me.
Bender: Ah, buck up, meatloaf. Bender'll take you out tonight and cheer you up. What do you wanna do? And I mean anything! You have the power! Name it and I'm there! You the man!
Fry: Um, okay. Let's go bowling.
Bender: Nah.

Fry: [Waking up after Nibbler knocks him out] Are you my mommy?
Nibbler: Negative.

Fry: I'm as worthless as this trash can.
Trash Can: You think I'm as worthless as you? Try catching garbage in your head and raising six kids, you dumb townie!

[having been trapped in a parallel universe]
Giant Brain #1: Well, here we are. Trapped for eternity.
Giant Brain #2: We could sing 'American Pie'.
Fry: Go ahead. I deserve it.


"Futurama: The Series Has Landed (#1.2)" (1999)
Leela: Fry, we have a crate to deliver.
Fry: Well let's just dump it in the sewer and say we delivered it.
Bender: Too much work. Let's burn it and *say* we dumped it in the sewer.

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Now that you're our new employees, I'd like you to have a look at our commercial. I paid to have it aired during the Super Bowl.
Fry: Wow.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Not on the same channel, of course...

Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Ah, to be young again. And also a robot.

Fry: Can I do the countdown?
Leela: Oh, sure. Knock yourself out.
Fry: Ten... nine...
Leela: We're here!
Fry: Eightsevensixfivefourthreetwooneblastoff.

Dr. Zoidberg: Now open your mouth and lets have a look at that brain.
[Fry opens his mouth]
Dr. Zoidberg: No, no, not that mouth.
Fry: I only have one.
Dr. Zoidberg: Really?
Fry: Uh... is there a human doctor around?
Dr. Zoidberg: Young lady, I am an expert on humans. Now pick a mouth, open it and say "brglgrglgrrr"!
Fry: Uh... brglgrglgrglgrrr!
Dr. Zoidberg: What? My mother was a saint! Get out!

[Fry and Leela are taking a ride on the Moon Park]
Moon Rover Ride Narrator: The story of lunar exploration started with one man - a man with a dream.
Animatronic Ralph Kramden: One of these days, Alice. Bang. Zoom. Straight to the moon.
Leela: Wow! I never realized the first astronauts were so fat.
Fry: That's not an astronaut, it's a TV comedian! And he was just using space travel as a metaphor for beating his wife.

Fry: Uh, greetings Moon Man, we come in peace. I am Fry from the planet Earth.
Sal: Wise guy huh? If I wasn't so lazy I'd punch you in the stomach.
Fry: But, you are lazy right?
Sal: Oh, don't get me started.

[Bender is caught with the moon farmer's robot daughters and is chased into the barn with Leela and Fry]
Fry: Bender, you didn't touch the Crushinator, did you?
Bender: Of course not. A girl that fine you gotta romance first.

Fry: Where are we going?
Leela: Nowhere special. The moon.
Fry: The mo - the moon? The moon moon? Wow! I'm going to be a hero, like Neil Armstrong and all those other brave guys no one ever heard of.

Fry: I'm never gonna get used to the 31st century. Caffineated bacon? Baconated grapefruit? ADMIRAL Crunch?
Leela: Well, if you don't like that, try some ARCHDUKE Chocula.

Fry: I'm never gonna get used to the 31st century. Caffineated bacon? Baconated grapefruit? ADMIRAL Crunch?

Moon Rover Ride Narrator: No one really knows when, where, or how man landed on the moon...
Fry: I do!
Moon Rover Ride Narrator: ...but our Fungineers imagine it went something like this.
[Animatronic whalers emerge from a lunar lander]
Animatronic Whalers: [singing] We're whalers on the moon.
Animatronic Gophers, Animatronic Gophers: We carry a harpoon.
Animatronic Whalers, Animatronic Gophers, Leela: But there are no whales, so we tell tall tales and sing a whaling tune.
Fry: That's not how it happened.
Leela: Oh, really? I don't see you with a Fungineering degree.

Leela: If everyone is done being stupid...
Fry: I had more, but go ahead.

Leela: Our car broke down and we're low on oxygen. Can we borrow some?
Moon Farmer: Borry? Listen here, city girl. Oxygen doesn't grow on trees. You'll have to work it off doing chores on my hydroponic farm. You can go back to your precious park at sun-up.
Fry: I guess we can do chores for a few hours.
Leela: Fry, night lasts two weeks on the moon.
Moon Farmer: Yep, drops down to minus-173.
Fry: Celsius or Fahrenheit?
Moon Farmer: First one, then the other.

Fry: Look, Leela. I'm sorry. I never should have dragged you out here.
Leela: That's right, you shouldn't have. I still don't get what the big attraction is.
Fry: I never told anybody this, but a thousand years ago I used to look up at the moon and dream about being an astronaut. I just didn't have the grades, or the physical endurance. Plus I threw up a lot, and nobody liked spending a week with me.
Leela: A week would be a little much.
Fry: The moon was like this awesome, romantic, mysterious thing, hanging up there in the sky where you could never reach it, no matter how much you wanted to. But you're right. Once you're actually here, it's just a big, dull rock. I guess I just wanted you to see it through my eyes, the way I used to.
[the window reflects off Fry's helmet; Leela looks outside and sees a beautiful moonscape with the Earth in the sky]
Leela: Fry, look. It really is beautiful. I don't know why I never noticed it before.

Leela: So, Fry. Was the real moon anything like the moon you used to dream about?
Fry: Eh. Close enough.

Fry: Hurry up! I wanna get to the moon!
Leela: Relax. It's open 'til nine.

Fry: Hey, I got everyone magnets.
[puts one on Bender's head]
Bender: Get it off! Get it off! Oh-oh. How many roads must a man walk down before you can call him a... Aaoow!
[Fry removes magnet]
Bender: Don't ever do that! Magnets interfer with my inhibition unit.
Fry: So you flip out and start acting like a folk singer?
Bender: Yes. Although a robot would have to be crazy to be a folk singer.

Fry: You're not gonna believe this, but someone landed an amusement park on the moon!
Amy Wong: Guh! It's the happiest place orbiting Earth.

[the car Leela and Fry are on is sinking in quicksand]
Fry: We're gonna die! Every man for himself!
[Tries to escape, but falls into the quicksand]
Fry: Help me, Leela!

Fry: Look! It's the moon landing site! We found it!
Leela: Fry, get in here.
Fry: It's that flag from MTV, and Neil Armstrong's footprint!
[Puts his foot over Armstrong's footprint, leaving a Nike footprint in its place]
Fry: Hey, my foot's bigger. Leela, isn't this the greatest thing you've ever seen?
Leela: Fry, look around! It's just a crummy plastic flag and a dead man's tracks in the dust. Now get in here before you freeze.

Fry: Can I do the countdown?
Leela: Huh? Oh, sure. Knock yourself out.
Fry: Ten.
[ship takes off]
Fry: Nine.
[ship reaches the moon]
Leela: Okay, we're here.
Fry: [quietly] Eightsevensixfivefourthreetwooneblastoff.

[after Bender has acted very strange when a magnet was placed on his head]
Fry: So you flip out and start acting like some crazy folk-singer?
Bender: Yes,
[stares longingly into the distance]
Bender: I guess a robot would have to be crazy to wanna' be a folk-singer...

Moon Rover Ride Narrator: No one really knows when, where, or how man landed on the moon...
Fry: I do!
Moon Rover Ride Narrator: ...but our Fungineers imagine it went something like this...
[Animatronic whalers emerge from a lunar lander]
Animatronic Whalers: [singing] We're whalers of the moon.
Animatronic Gophers: We carry a harpoon.
Animatronic Whalers, Animatronic Gophers: But there ain't no whales, so we tell tall tales and sing a whaling tune.
Fry: That's not how it happened.
Leela: I don't see you with a Fungineering degree.


"Futurama: Why Must I Be a Crustacean in Love? (#2.9)" (2000)
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: We - by which I mean you - will have to rush him to his ancient home world, which will soon erupt in an orgy of invertebrate sex.
Fry: Oh, baby! I'm THERE!
Leela: Fry, do you even understand the word "invertebrate"?
Fry: Nope, but that's not the word I'm interested in.

[Fry is being Zoidberg's Cyrano]
Fry: Start with a compliment. Tell her she looks thin.
Dr. Zoidberg: [calling to Edna] You seem malnourished. Are you suffering from internal parasites?
Edna: [pleased] Why, yes. Thanks for noticing.

Fry: I just came to tell you Zoidberg is great. He's got male jelly coming out the wazoo.
Edna: Well, that IS where it comes out...

[Edna, one of Zoidberg's species, is chasing Fry romantically]
Edna: Teach me to love, you squishy poet from beyond the stars.
Fry: [horrified] I'm flattered, really. If I was gonna do it with a big freaky mud bug, you'd be way up the list.
Edna: Hush, you romantic fool. Engage your mandibles and kiss me.

[Zoidberg has caught Fry in bed with Edna, a lobster alien]
Dr. Zoidberg: [enraged] Fry. I challenge you to "clawplach".
Fry: English, please?
Dr. Zoidberg: A fight to the death.
Edna: And if you survive, we'll make sweet love.
[Fry pauses to think it over, then screams]

Fry: Okay, you're on a date. What's the first thing you do?
Dr. Zoidberg: Ask her to mate with me.
Fry: No, tell her she's special.
Dr. Zoidberg: But she's not, she's merely the female with the largest clutch of eggs.
Fry: Well, tell her that. And then?
Dr. Zoidberg: Then mating.
Fry: No, make up some feelings and tell her you have them.
[Dr. Zoidberg raises his hand]
Fry: Yes?
Dr. Zoidberg: Is desire to mate a feeling?
Fry: Ugh, you're not even trying.
Dr. Zoidberg: Ohhh, it's all so complicated, with the flowers, and the romance, and the lies upon lies.

Fry: So you have to choose between life without sex and a hideous, gruesome death?
Dr. Zoidberg: Yes.
Fry: Tough call.

[Fry enters naked into a steam room where Amy and Leela are bathing]
Fry: Co-ed steam rooms. I LOVE the future.
Leela: Uh, Fry, you're in the women's steam room.
Fry: Ahhh. Fu-tur-istic.
Amy Wong: [indicating Fry's crotch] Psst. Look what life was like before genetic engineering.
Leela: Those poor 20th century women.

Leela: No offense, Fry, but you've become a fat sack of crap.
Fry: [offended] Sack?

Dr. Zoidberg: I'm confused, Fry. I'm feeling a strange new emotion I have never felt before. Is it love when you care for a female for reasons beyond mating?
Fry: Nope. Must be some weird, alien emotion.

Fry: My fellow fish monsters, far be it for me to question your stupid civilization or its dumb customs, but is squeezing each other's brains out with a giant nutcracker really going to solve anything? Dr. Zoidberg is my friend, and though a woman has come between us, I say we'll always remain friends. You know why? For one reason...
[Dr. Zoidberg cuts off Fry's arm]
Fry: You bastard! I'll kill you! You bastard!
[begins hitting Zoidberg with his severed arm]

Dr. Zoidberg: The frenzy is over. How am I going to get rid of my male jelly now?
Fry: [Waves dismembered arm] I'll lend you this.

Bender: Fry, I've never asked you for anything before, but, if it's not too much trouble, when you get to the ninth round, just let him win.
Fry: But it's a fight to the death!
Bender: Oh, so this is suddenly all about you! Sheesh!

Fry: Don't worry. The Lovemeister will take you under his wing.
Dr. Zoidberg: What? Now there's a bird involved?

Fry: Look how ridiculous they look.
Bender: Please! He's no different from the rest of you organisms. Shooting DNA at each other to make babies. I find it offensive!

Leela: It's amazing that your people can fall in love so fast.
Dr. Zoidberg: Love? That word is unknown here. I'm just looking for a female swollen with eggs who will accept my genetic material.
Fry: You and me both, brother!

Fry: [Fry is telling Zoidberg what to say to Edna, a female] Tell her you just want to talk, it has nothing to do with mating!
Dr. Zoidberg: [calling] I just want to talk, it has nothing to do with mating!
[to Fry]
Dr. Zoidberg: Fry, that doesn't make sense!
Edna: [calling] Dr. Zoidberg, that doesn't make sense! But OK.

Fry: People of Decapod 10, far be it from me to criticize your stupid civilization or its dumb customs...!

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: You must take him to his ancient home world, which will soon erupt in an orgy of invertebrate sex.
Fry: Oh baby. I'm THERE.
Leela: Fry, do you even understand the word "invertebrate"?
Fry: Nope, but that's not the word I'm interested in.

Dr. Zoidberg: I want the tactile pleasure in cutting him here...
[points his claw at Fry's neck]
Dr. Zoidberg: ...in the gonads.
Fry: [to crowd] Shhhhhh. Nobody correct him.

Fry: Okay, you're on a date. What's the first thing you do?
Dr. Zoidberg: Ask her to mate with me.
Fry: No, tell her she's special.
Dr. Zoidberg: But she's not, she's merely the female with the largest clutch of eggs.
Fry: Well, tell her that. And then what?
Dr. Zoidberg: Then mating.
Fry: No, make up some feelings and tell her you have them.
[Dr. Zoidberg raises his hand]
Fry: Yes?
Dr. Zoidberg: Is desire to mate a feeling?
Fry: Ugh, you're not even trying.
Dr. Zoidberg: Ohhh, it's all so complicated, with the flowers, and the romance, and the lies upon lies.

Fry: So you have to choose between life without sex and a hideous, gruesome death?
Dr. Zoidberg: Yes.
Fry: Man, tough call.

Fry: Now, ask her how her day was.
Dr. Zoidberg: Why would I want to know?
Fry: You wouldn't. Ask anyway!
Dr. Zoidberg: How was your day?
Edna: Well, first I got up and had a piece of toast. Then I brushed my teeth. Then I went to the store to buy some fish...
Dr. Zoidberg: Fry, look what you did! She won't shut up.
Fry: That's normal. Just nod your head and say 'uh huh'.
Dr. Zoidberg: Uh huh. Uh huh.
Edna: And then you threw an octopus at my window!

Dr. Zoidberg: Fry, it's been years since medical school, so remind me. Disemboweling in your species, fatal or non-fatal?
Fry: Fatal.
Dr. Zoidberg: [holding up wad of cash to Bender] Large bet on myself in round one!


"Futurama: Space Pilot 3000 (#1.1)" (1999)
[Fry has woken up 1000 years into the future and met Leela]
Fry: [gasps] Is that blimp accurate?
Leela: Yep. It's December 31st, 2999.
Fry: My god, a million years...

[first lines]
Fry: [offscreen] Space. It seems to go on and on forever. But then you get to the end and a gorilla starts throwing barrels at you.

[Fry and Leela meet]
Fry: Can I ask you a question?
Leela: As long as it's not about my eye.
Fry: Uhh...
Leela: Is it about my eye?
Fry: Sort of.
Leela: [sighs] Just ask the question.
Fry: What's with the eye?
Leela: I'm an alien.
Fry: [excited] Cool, an alien. Has your race taken over the Earth?
Leela: No, I just work here.

Bender: You really want a robot for a friend?
Fry: Yeah, ever since I was six!
Bender: Well, all right. But I don't want anyone to think we're robosexual or anything, so if anyone asks, you're my debugger.

Fry: I've got no home, no family...
Bender: No friends.

Fry: What if I don't want to be a delivery boy?
Leela: Then you'll be fired...
Fry: Fine.
Leela: ...out of a cannon, into the sun.

[after escaping a suicide booth, Fry and Bender are in a bar, Bender is telling Fry about his life]
Bender: I'm a bender. I bend girders, that's all I'm programmed to do.
Fry: Were you any good?
Bender: Are you kidding? I was a star. I could bend a girder to any angle. 30 degrees, 32 degrees, you name it. 31... But I couldn't go on living once I found out what the girders were for.
Fry: What for?
Bender: Suicide booths.

Fry: Wow, a real live robot! Or is that just some sort of cheesy New Year's costume?
Bender: Bite my shiny metal ass!
Fry: Doesn't look so shiny to me.
Bender: Shinier than yours, meatbag!

Fry: Why would a robot need to drink?
Bender: I don't *need* to drink, I can quit any time I want.

Fry: I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life.

Fry: My Lord. What is this place?
Bender: The decaying ruins of old New York. Welcome home, buddy.

[Fry is with Bender in a suicide booth, thinking it's a telephone booth]
Suicide Booth Recording: Please select mode of death. Quick and painless, or slow and horrible.
Fry: Yes, I'd like to make a collect call.
Suicide Booth Recording: You have selected slow and horrible.
Bender: Good choice.

Fry: Look, I don't understand this world, but you obviously do, so I give up. If you really think I should be a delivery boy, then I will.
[he holds out his hand for Leela to implant the occupation chip; instead, she removes hers]
Fry: Your chip. What are you doing?
Leela: Quitting.
Fry: Why?
Leela: Because I've always wanted to. I just never realized it until I met you.

Fry: My God, it's the future. My parents. My co-workers. My girlfriend. I'll never see any of them again.
[pause]
Fry: Yahoo!

Fry: Wait a second. You're a bender, right. We could escape if you would just bend the bars.
Bender: Dream on, skintube! I'm only programmed to bend for constructive purposes. What do I look like, a debender?
Fry: Who cares what you're programmed to do? If someone programmed you to jump off a cliff, would you do it?
Bender: I'll have to check my program.
[pause]
Bender: Yep.

Leonard Nimoy: Welcome to the Head Museum. I'm Leonard Nimoy.
Fry: Spock? Hey, do the thing!
[does Vulcan salute]
Leonard Nimoy: I don't do that anymore.
Fry: This is unbelievable! What do you heads do all day?
Leonard Nimoy: We share our wisdom with those who seek it. It's a life of quiet dignity.
Caretaker: Feeding time!
[Caretaker drops food flakes on jar; Nimoy nibbles at them like a goldfish]

Fry: This is my old neighborhood. This brings back so many memories.
Bender: Keep 'em to yourself, pops.

Fry: Are we going to fly all over space, fighting monsters and teaching alien women how to love?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: If by that you mean delivering cargo, then yes. It's a little home business I started to fund my research.
Fry: Cool. What's my job gonna be?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: You're gonna make sure the cargo reaches its destination.
Fry: So, I'm a delivery boy?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Exactly.
Fry: All right! I'm a delivery boy!

Bender: Well, it was nice meeting you Fry. I'm gonna go kill myself.
Fry: Wait, you're the only friend I have!
Bender: You really want a robot for a friend?
Fry: Yeah, ever since I was six.
Bender: Well, all right, but I don't want anybody thinking we're robosexuals so if anyone asks, you're my debugger.

Fry: [yelling] Pizza delivery for...
[normal voice]
Fry: I. C. Weiner. Aww... I always thought by this stage in my life I'd be the one making the crank calls.

Fry: [Knocks on the door before opening it] Hello? Hello? Pizza delivery for um... I.C. Wiener? Aww crud. I would have thought that at this point in my life I would be the one making the prank phone calls.

Fry: What if I don't wanna be a delivery boy?
Turanga Leela: Then you'll be fired.
Fry: Fine.
Turanga Leela: Out of a cannon, into the sun.


"Futurama: The Day the Earth Stood Stupid (#3.7)" (2001)
[everyone on Earth except Fry is moronically stupid]
Fry: What are we going to do?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Duh, I know, let's play the lottery.
Amy Wong: No, let's buy internet stock.
Dr. Zoidberg: On margin. Zoidbee wants to buy on margin.
Hermes Conrad: [holding a board in front of his face] Look at me. I'm invisible.
Fry: Wait a minute, I know what's going on here. You've all become idiots.
Bender: Hey, let's all join the Reform party.
Everyone: Yeah.

Fry: All right, time to reeducate you duncebags. We'll start with U.S Presidents. This is our first president, George Washington.
[Holds the head of George Washington; The others look confused]
Fry: Let's review. Who was our first president?
Bender: A pickle jar?
George Washington's Head: Thomas Jefferson?

Leela: I... have to tell... must... important... something...
Fry: Whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down. You're going a mile a minute.

Chief Giant Brain: What do you want?
Fry: I'm here to kick your ass!
Chief Giant Brain: Wishful thinking. We have long since evolved beyond the need for asses.

Fry: [writing] "Leela cried for her love as Fry lay dead under the heavy book case. The giant brain laughed in triumph. 'Ha ha ha!' Then, for no reason, he left Earth forever. The end." There. Now he's trapped in a book I wrote. A crummy world of plot holes and spelling errors.
Chief Giant Brain: The big brain am winning again! I am the greetest! Mwa-ha-ha-ha! Now I am leaving Earth for no raisin!

Fry: Attention New New Yorkers: stop acting so stupid!

Leela: Brain... Brain make people dumb!
Fry: No, Leela. Brain make people smart.

Fry: Come on, Fry, think. Thinking... thinking...
Chief Giant Brain: Oh, Stop that!
Fry: Hey, thinking hurts them! Maybe I can think of a way to use that.
Chief Giant Brain: Argh!
Fry: Aha! Prepare to be thought at! Leela, give me a topic.
Leela: Duh...
Fry: Seriously, I can't think of anything.
[He looks through a pile of books]
Fry: I gotta find something to make me think. Hardy Boys... too easy. Nancy Drew... too hard. Ah, perfect. Bonfire of the Vanities.
[reads]
Chief Giant Brain: No! It's unbearable!

Fry: [reading to harm the Chief Giant Brain] Take that, and that! This sentence I don't understand... but take this one!

Leela: [hands Fry a note] This. You for this.
Fry: Thanks.
[blows nose on note, then throws it in fireplace]
Leela: No!
[reaches into fire]
Leela: Ow! Fire hot!
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: The professy will help.
[reaches into fire]
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Ahh! Fire indeed hot!

Fry: Bender, if this is a scam, I don't get it. You already have my power of attorney.

Hermes Conrad: This is mighty strange. First the civilization of Space Rome collapsed, then Don Martin 3 went kerflooie, and now Tweenis 12.
Fry: Looks like this planet is next in line.
Leela: That's Earth.
[Fry just stares at her]
Leela: The planet we live on?
Fry: I'd hate to be those guys.

Leela: You fight biggest brain of all.
Fry: Even bigger than those? Holy nuts! Where would it be?
Leela: I dunno.
Fry: Let's see, a giant brain is basically a giant nerd. Where would a nerd go?
[gasp]
Fry: The library!

Fry: Doctor Zoidberg, why is everyone acting so weird?
Dr. Zoidberg: Zoidbie want balloon! Want balloon now! Zoidbie want go outside!
Fry: But I just let you in!

[inside "Pride and Prejudice"]
Elizabeth Bennet: Mister Fry, they tell me you're quite the oddity, a bachelor at your age.
Fry: You think I'm an oddity, you should see...
Butler: Announcing the arrival of the richest landowner in all Hampshire, Lord Brainley.
Chief Giant Brain: I'm a gigantic brain!

Fry: Hey, Brainley! Think fast!
[throws bucket of whitewash at Brain]
Chief Giant Brain: I always think fast.
[is hit by bucket and covered in whitewash]
Chief Giant Brain: Ow!
Captain Ahab: The whale! He be white now!

Fry: Boy, that dog is hard to beat. Look at him bring those sheep. One sheep, two sheep...
[yawns]
Fry: ... three sheep...
[falls asleep]

[Everyone on Earth except Fry is moronically stupid]
Fry: What are we going to do?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Duh, I know, let's play the lottery.
Amy Wong: No, let's buy internet stock.
Dr. Zoidberg: On margin. Zoidbee wants to buy on margin.
Hermes Conrad: [holding a board in front of his face] Look at me. I'm invisible.
Fry: Wait a minute, I know what's going on here. You've all become idiots.
Bender: Hey, let's go join the Reform party.
Everyone: Yeah.

Fry: All right, time to reeducate you duncebags. We'll start with U.S Presidents. This is our first president, George Washington.
[pause. The others look confused]
Fry: Let's review. Who was our first president?
Bender: A pickle jar?
George Washington's Head: Thomas Jefferson?

The Big Brain: What do you want?
Fry: I'm here to kick your ass!
The Big Brain: Wishful thinking. We have long since evolved beyond the need for asses.

Fry: [writing] "Leela cried as Fry lay crushed under the book case. The giant brain laughed 'Ha ha ha!' Then, for no reason, he left Earth, never to return. The end." There. Now he's trapped in a book I wrote. A crummy world of plot holes and spelling errors.
The Big Brain: The big brain am winning! I am the greetest! Mwa-ha-ha-ha! I must now leave Earth for no raisin!

Fry: [Sees Dr. Zoidberg trying to cut off one of his own mouth tentacles] Dr. Zoidberg why is everyone acting so weird?
Dr. Zoidberg: Zoibie want balloon, want balloon now!,
[Jumping up and down]
Dr. Zoidberg: Zoibie want go outside!
Fry: Aw I just let you back in!


"Futurama: I Second That Emotion (#2.5)" (1999)
Fry: Hey, what are these rings in Nibbler's fang?
Vet Jeffrey Grant: Hmm, I'm still a little woozy from a gazelle kick this morning, but if he's anything like the common tree, the rings might indicate his age.
Fry: He he, yeah, well, good luck. It'd take some kind of genius to count all those rings.
Vet Jeffrey Grant: He's 5.

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Now I'll simply tune it to Leela's emotional frequency.
[Professor Farnsworth adjusts the empathy chip]
Bender: My God. I'm overcome with feelings. I'm experiencing a powerful yearning to... to cram my gullet full of mackerel heads.
Dr. Zoidberg: That's me, baby.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Hmmm.
[Professor Farnsworth readjusts the chip]
Bender: Now I'm worried I'm not as smart as Leela, but at the same time, I feel relieved I'm cuter than her.
Amy Wong: Uuh, that's me.
Fry: [Whispering to Amy] Thanks for covering.
Bender: This time, I miss Nibbler, and I'm feeling nosy and opinionated.
Amy Wong: Bingo.
Hermes Conrad: That's Leela.

Fry: If you care about Nibbler, stop caring about him.
Leela: I can't. I love every living creature.
Fry: Even me?
Leela: As a friend.
Fry: Damn.

Leela: [as Nibbler eats] Aw, somebody likes snouts.
Fry: Is it me?

Leela: I wish just once Bender could feel exactly what I feel.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Actually, through the miracle of science, that can be arranged.
Fry: Uh-oh. Is this gonna be one of those crazy experiments that crosses a line man was not meant to cross?
[Professor puts his index and thumb close together in the "a little" sign]

Fry: You guys worship an unexploded atomic bomb?
Vyolet: Yeah, but nobody's that observant. It's mainly a Christmas and Easter thing.

Fry: [Lights a match in the sewer] Aaaaah!
Leela: What is it?
Fry: I burned my finger.

Inglis Raoul: Welcome to our village. It may not be Paris, but it has a certain quaint charm that I, for one, wouldn't trade for the world.
Bender: You guys realize you live in a sewer, right?
Dwayne: Perhaps, but perhaps your civilization is merely the sewer of an even greater civilization above you!
Leela: No. We're on top.
Fry: Daylight and everything.
Dwayne: Oh.
Vyolet: It must be wonderful.
Bender: Eh.

Fry: So, is it true that alligators flushed down the toilet survive here?
Inglis Raoul: No, that's just an urban legend.
Fry: Then what are those?
Vyolet: Crocodiles.
Inglis Raoul: We keep them as pets, then when they grow too large, we flush them down our sub-sewer.
Dwayne: Some say there's a freakish race of sub-mutants down there.
Vyolet: Please. That's just a sub-urban legend.

Fry: According to this, we're right under Park Avenue. Ooh, ritzy! Just think, this was all once a charity luncheon for the Met.

Fry: Wait, aren't you going to eat our brains? You're mutants.
Dwayne: Mutants? Perhaps it is you who's the mutant!
Vyolet: Oh, please, Dwayne! Have you looked in a mirror lately?

Bender: I'm at the end of my rope. I can't live another minute without poor, sweet Nibbler.
Fry: Too bad he's not an alligator. Y'know, when you flush those things, they stay alive in the sewers.
Bender: Really?
Fry: Yep. My friend's cousin's caseworker saw one once. It's a widely believed fact.

Bender: I'm so lonely. I'm gonna go eat a bucket of ice cream.
Fry: Spoon's in the foot powder.

Fry: [Leela shoved him into the sewer] Ugh, and the aftertaste!

Fry: [in the sewer] This display of sweetness is making me nauseous. Or maybe it's whatever that is.

Dr. Zoidberg, Amy Wong, Hermes Conrad, Leela, Professor Hubert Farnsworth: [singing] What is today?/ It's Nibbler's birthday/ What a day for a birthday/ Let's all have some cake.
Fry: And you smell like one too!

Bender: [Leela's empathy chip is affecting Bender] Uh-oh jealousy!
[pointing at Fry]
Bender: You think you're so hot!
Fry: What?
Bender: The only reason you get all the guys is because you dress like a tramp!
[slaps him]
Fry: [crying] They're just responding to my personality!

Bender: You think you're so hot!
Fry: Wha-?
Bender: The only reason you get all the guys is because you dress like a tramp!
[slaps Fry's face]
Fry: They're just responding to my personality!

Fry: Hey, what are these rings in Nibbler's fang?
Vet: Hmm. I'm still a little woozy from a gazelle kick this morning, but if he's anything like the common tree, the rings might indicate his age.
Fry: Hehe, yeah, well. Good luck. It'd take some kind of genius to count all those rings.
Vet: [looking at Nibbler's tooth for a split-second] He's 5.


"Futurama: Where No Fan Has Gone Before (#4.12)" (2002)
Leela: You can't go to Omega 3. It's forbidden. I forbid you.
Fry: But we have to. The world needs Star Trek to give people hope for the future.
Leela: But it's set 800 years in the past.
Bender: Yeah, why is it so important you?
Fry: Because it... it taught me so much. Like, how you should accept people, whether they be black, white, Klingon or even female... But most importantly, when I had no friends, it made me feel like maybe I did.
Leela: Well, that is touchingly pathetic. I guess I can't let you go alone.
Bender: I guess I'll go too, with Leonard's permission.

[Leonard Nimoy is introducing the cast of Star Trek]
Leonard Nimoy: Nichelle, George, Walter, DeForest, Welshie...
Fry: "Welshie"?
Nichelle Nichols: We did some musical reunion specials in the 22-hundreds, but the guy who played Scotty had trouble yodeling.

Fry: All this time we thought he was a powerful super-being, yet he was just a child...
Melllvar's Mother: He is not a child. He is THIRTY-FOUR!

Melllvar: Well, I guess I could move out of my parents' basement... maybe get a temp job...
Fry: Whoa, whoa. One step at a time.

Fry: Melllvar's got a spaceship.
Melllvar: Yes, in mint condition... and you made me take it out of the package!

Walter Koenig: When we woke up, we had these bodies.
Fry: Say it in Russian.
Walter Koenig: [groans] Ven ve voke up, ve had these wodies.
Fry: [delighted] Eeeee! Now say "nuclear wessels".
Walter Koenig: NO!

Fry: Mister Nimoy, I came as soon as I heard what happened centuries ago.

Leonard Nimoy: Truly, it was a paradise.
Fry: And all you had to put up with was one really annoying Star Trek fan.
[Beat]
William Shatner: Let's get the hell out of here.

Fry: Usually on the show, they came up with a complicated plan, then explained it with a simple analogy.
Leela: Hmmm... If we can re-route engine power through the primary weapons and configure them to Melllvar's frequency, that should overload his electro-quantum structure.
Bender: Like putting too much air in a balloon!
Fry: Of course! It's all so simple!

Leela: It's not working! He's gaining strength from our weapons!
Fry: Like a balloon, and... something bad happens!

Fry: I am literally angry with rage!

[the Star Trek cast had to leave their bodies behind because the ship was too heavy]
Fry: Look, Leonard! We're light enough to keep the tapes. Isn't that great?
Leonard Nimoy: I'm living in a gefilte fish jar.

Fry: Oh, dip!
Leonard Nimoy: Dip, indeed.

Leela: You can't go to Omega 3. It's forbidden. I forbid you.
Fry: But we have to. The world needs Star Trek to give people hope for the future.
Leela: But it's set 800 years in the past.
Bender: Yeah, why is it so important to you?
Fry: Because it... it taught me so much. Like, how you should accept people, whether they be black, white, Klingon or even female...

[Leonard Nimoy is introducing the cast of Star Trek]
Leonard Nimoy: Nichelle, George, Walter, DeForest, Welshie...
Fry: Welshie?
Nichelle Nichols: We did some musical reunion specials in the 22-hundreds, but the guy who played Scotty had trouble yodeling.

Fry: Melllvar's got a spaceship.
Melllvar: Yes, and you made me take it out of the package!

Walter Koenig: When we woke up, we had these bodies.
Fry: Say it in Russian.
Walter Koenig: [groans] Ven we voke up, we had these wodies.
Fry: [delighted] Wheeee. Now say "nuclear wessels".
Walter Koenig: NO.

Fry: All this time we thought he was a powerful super-being, yet he was just a child...
Melllvar's Mother: He is not a child. He is THIRTY-FOUR.

Leela: For 25 Quatloos, which villain did Kirk strand on Ceti Alpha V?
William Shatner: [stands up and shouts] KHAAAAAN!
Fry: Uh... Khan?
Leela: Correct.


"Futurama: The Late Philip J. Fry (#6.7)" (2010)
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: The last proton should be decaying about now.
Philip J. Fry: Bye, last proton.
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: And here we are. The end of the universe.
[pause]
Philip J. Fry: Well, now what? You guys want to talk?
Bender: No, thanks.

Philip J. Fry: Hey, look. The first fish to crawl up on land.
Bender: [Steps on fish] He was coming right at us! You all saw it!

Philip J. Fry: I'm getting another beer.
[Bends down to get a beer from Bender's chest compartment]
Bender: Fry, hurry up! You're missing the dinosaurs!
Philip J. Fry: Relax, they're not going anywhere.
[Gets up]
Philip J. Fry: Where'd they go?

Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Just slow it down. I'll just shoot Hitler out the window.
[Shoots]
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Darn! I hit Eleanor Roosevelt by mistake.

Philip J. Fry: All in all, I've led a full life. Let's say the three of us grab a six-pack and watch the universe end?
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Hear, hear!
Bender: That's basically what I do every day.

Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: The stars are receding. Oh, the vast emptiness!
[Shakes empty beer can in front of Bender]
Bender: Yeah, yeah. I can take a hint.

Philip J. Fry: So, what was the purpose of life anyway?
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Who knows? Probably some hogwash about the human spirit.
Bender: Mmm-hmm.
Philip J. Fry: Sounds about right.

Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Behold! A time traveling machine!
[Fry and Bender gasp]
Bender: Time? I can't go back there!
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Ah, but this time machine only goes forward in time. That way you can't accidentally change history, or do something disgusting like sleep with your own grandmother.
Philip J. Fry: I wouldn't want to do that again.

Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Yoohoo, boys! What's this era in human history like?
Man in the Year 10 Million: The machines. We built them to make our lives easier, but they rebelled. They won't stop until every human is dead!
Bender: This seems like a nice future. Let's just stay here. We can settle down on that mountain of skulls.
[Farnsworth starts the machine, they travel]
Bender: Hey! That place had a gorgeous view of Blood Lake.

Year Fifty Million Woman #1: Greetings, time travelers.
Bender: Stupid jerks won't let me stay in the good future.
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: How did you know we were time travelers?
Year Fifty Million Woman #2: We too have studied the time travel enigma.
Year Fifty Million Woman #3: We have perfected a method that uses negative mass neutrino fields that allow us to travel backwards in time.
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: My name's Hubert.
Philip J. Fry: All right! We can go home!
Bender: [Mocking Fry] Nyah-nyah, we can go...
[Razzberry]
Year Fifty Million Woman #1: We can talk about our research tomorrow. Men are rare in our society. Even very old and stupid males are priced. Tonight, please be our guests of honor in a fertility banquet.
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Well, there certainly is no harm in a fertility banquet.
Philip J. Fry: I can eat, and fertilize.
Year Fifty Million Woman #1: Very well. Anoint our guests in oil without using our hands.
Bender: Oh, so we can stay in the future you like, but not the future I like? Next!
[Benders starts up the time machine again and they leave the year 50 Million]
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: No! I was about to close the deal!
Philip J. Fry: Bender, they had a backwards time machine!
Bender: The other place had a lot of nice things too. Did you even see that mountain of skulls?
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Why you...
[Slaps Bender very weakly]
Bender: Oh no you didn't!
[They fight]

Philip J. Fry: So long, Earth. Thanks for the air and whatnot.

Philip J. Fry: Please, let me make it up to you. I'll treat you to a fancy birhtday dinner tonight at Cavern on the Green.
Turanga Leela: Wow, that'll be the nicest place I've ever been stood up.
Philip J. Fry: Not this time. No matter what happens, I swear I'll be there.
Bender: Guys, guys! Hedonismbot is finally settling down and marrying a nice house in the suburbs, but tonight, he's having the girls-gone-wildest bachelor party of all time!
Philip J. Fry: Whoo-hoo... who cares! I'm having dinner with Leela
Turanga Leela: Just go to your stupid party. We can have dinner on my birthday some other year.
Philip J. Fry: No. I can throw up on a stripper anytime. Tonight, I want to not throw up, on you.
Turanga Leela: Really?
Bender: Your loss. Hey, Professor! You're my wingman.
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Very well. Eh, Cubert, fetch my drinking teeth.

Philip J. Fry: Stop. Somewhere, sometime, Leela's waiting for me.
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Fry's right.
Bender: Yes, we have to work together, and not have this fight I was definitely winning.

Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: The year One Billion. I have a feeling this is exactly the point in time we've been looking for.
[They step out; the earth is scorched and desolate]
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Nope.
[Scans around with a device that beeps and displays an X]
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: In fact, all life is extinct.
[Bender chuckles]
Philip J. Fry: So, let's keep going forward.
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Oh, it's no use. The Earth is dead. It's the end of all things.

Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: My God, is it possible?
Philip J. Fry: It must be possible, it's happening. By the way, what's happening?

Philip J. Fry: I just need to sign Leela's birthday card. How do you spell XO?
Amy Wong: Guh, it's a record-your-own-message card. You don't sign it, you leave a nude video greeting.
Philip J. Fry: Does it have to be nude?
Amy Wong: I guess not. That never occured to me.

Philip J. Fry: [Sees the ruins of the Statue of Liberty] No! They did it! They blew it up!
[Camera pans to ape version of Statue of Liberty]
Philip J. Fry: And then the apes blew up their society! How could this have happened?
[camera pans to other Statues of Liberty]
Philip J. Fry: And then the birds took over and ruined their society! And then the cows, and then... I don't know, is that a slug, maybe? Noooo!

Fry: [recording a record-your-own-message birthday card fir Leela] Happy birthday, Leela! I'm really sorry I'm gonna be one minute late, because we're testing the Professor's dumb time machine. But, well, happy birthday and all, and, I love you.
Fry: [the Professor accidentally moves the switch which makes him, Fry and Bender go deep forward in time. Fry loses his card] Ah, my card!


"Futurama: The Luck of the Fryrish (#3.10)" (2001)
Fry: The Breakfast Club soundtrack? Oh, I can't wait until I'm old enough to feel ways about stuff.

[the group's at a horse race]
Fry: C'mon. C'mon. Hey, Leela, how about a kiss for good luck?
[Leela gives him a quick peck on the cheek]
Fry: [disappointed] I meant tongue luck.

Fry: This was our storage closet. My Dad spent years turning it into a bomb shelter.
Leela: [sadly] And yet you guys never had a single nuclear war.
Bender: [sadly] What a waste.

Fry: That clover helped my rat-faced brother steal my dream of going into space. Now I'll never get there.
Leela: You went there this morning for doughnuts.

Leela: They buried your brother in the World Heroes Section? Impressive.
Fry: [jealous] *I* should be the one in that grave.

Documentary Announcer: After a whirlwind fling with Icelandic supermodel Njörd, Fry scored a sting of top 10 hits with his rock band Leaf Seven, known for their hypnotic rhythms, driving baselines and memorable hooks.
Fry: That's what I'm known for!

Leela: [reading tombstone] It says, "Philip Fry, the original martian."
Fry: That's a lie, every word of it! He wasn't original, he wasn't a martian, he wasn't Philip Fry! And since when is he a the?
Bender: You're twice the the he ever was.

Fry: [on the ruins of Old New York] We've got Manhattan all to ourselves. I'm going to do all the crazy things I always dreamed of doing.
[stands up on a newspaper dispenser]
Fry: Howard Stern is overrated! He he he!
[goes to a public phone and unhooks the receiver]
Fry: Oops!
Bender: New York is so burned.
Fry: And remember when mayor Guiliani cracked down on jaywalking?
Leela: No.
Fry: Well, Rudy, how do you like this action?
[starts to cross the street when a giant lizard runs him over]

Fry: It's gone! The whole place's cleaned out! Yancy stole my clover! That thief!
Leela: How do you know it didn't disintegrate?
Fry: Everything else held up okay.
Bender: Except for "Sports" by Huey Lewis.

Fry: Holy camolie! The house I grew up in. It's still there.
Bender: Man, Father Time really took a bat to this place.

Fry: Gosh, my old neighborhood. That's the bench where I found some shirts. That fire hydrant. On summers we'd light it on fire. On that corner, some guy with a bushy beard handed out a socialist newsletter.
Bender: Was it poorly Xeroxed?
Fry: You better believe it.
Leela: The old comedians were right. This place is a lot different from L.A.

Dr. Zoidberg: So the clover is still in the hiding place, maybe?
Fry: Hey, yeah! Maybe it's still there, underground in the ruins of Old New York, helping some ant defeat another ant, or helping some piece of dirt turn its luck around.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Dirt doesn't need luck.

Bender: Bending's my middle name.
Fry: It is?
Bender: Yep. My full name is Bender Bending Rodriguez.

Bender: Apparently this brave Adonis, this Cadillac of men, was the first person on Mars.
Fry: First person on Mars? I should have been the first person on Mars! He stole my clover, he stole my name, and he stole my life!
[punches statue]
Fry: And now he broke my hand!
Bender: His legend lives on.

Fry: [Playing basketball with Yancy] Kareem may have the sky hook, but Philip J. Fry has the space hook!
[shoots ball and misses]
Yancy Fry Jr: Yancy drives, he goes up with his patented space hook!
[Shoots ball and it goes through the hoop]
Fry: Hey, that's my patented space hook! You stole it!
Yancy Fry Jr: You're not the president of it!

Fry: I may not know much about horses, but I know a lot about doing anything for one dollar.

Fry: Dear Horse God, I know I don't usually pray to you. Sometimes I doubt you even exist, but if you're willing to grant me luck... please... stamp your hoof once.


"Futurama: The Lesser of Two Evils (#2.11)" (2000)
Fry: Yeah, well here's a funny joke: I'm gonna sit right here till it's my shift.
Flexo: Suit yourself, skinbag.
Fry: That I will.
Flexo: Good.
Fry: Good.
Flexo: Good.
Fry: Good.
Flexo: Good.
Fry: Good...
[Flexo doesn't reply]
Fry: ... Good.

Leela: Space bandidos have been operating in this quadrant so you'll each take 8-hour shifts guarding the safe. First Bender, then Flexo, then Fry.
Fry: Wait, hold on. I don't like the sound of that. Let's just go alphabetically.
Leela: OK. First Bender, then Flexo, then Fry.
Fry: Wait, let's go by rank.
Leela: OK. First Bender, then Flexo, then Fry.
Fry: Flexo outranks me?
Flexo: That's "Flexo outranks me, sir"!

Leela: I came so close to having that tiara.
Bender: Me too...
Fry: Well you two may be losers, but I just made out with that Radiator girl from the Radiator planet.
Leela: Fry, that was a radiator.
Fry: [pause] Is there a burn ward within 10 feet of here?

Bender: Being with you guys is the best time I've ever had. Hey, a suicide booth! So long, suckers!
Fry: That's not a suicide booth, that's just an ordinary phone booth.
Leela: What were they for?
Fry: In New York, public restrooms.
Leela: I need to stop for a moment.

Leela: How did Flexo steal the tiara?
Fry: He must have zapped me with a sleep ray. You have sleep rays in the future, right?
Leela: No.
Fry: Then I must have fallen asleep.

Bob Barker: So you lost the atom, huh? You're garbage! Human garbage! Do you brain-dead space jockeys have any idea how much that thing is worth?
Leela: A hundred thousand?
Fry: Two hundred thousand?
Bender: Two hundred thousand and one?
Bob Barker: [to Leela] You're the closest without going over.

Fry: I'm so confused. The Bender I liked turned out to be evil, and the Bender I hated was good. How can I live my life if I can't even tell good from evil?
Bender: Eh, they're both fine choices. Whatever floats your boat.

Fry: [At Pastorama] Cool, it's just like the good old days.
Mugger: Give me your wallet, or I'll cut you!
Fry: Hey, Leela. Get a picture of me being "mugged".
[Gives mugger his wallet while Leela takes a picture]
Mugger: I'll take the camera too.
[Takes camera and leaves through exit]
Bender: Learning is fun.

[At a robot strip club]
Bender: Hubba-hubba! She is built. In Mexico, I believe.
Flexo: And that ain't silicone, either. That's tungsten, and plenty of it.
Fry: Uh, yeah. Look at that... exhaust fan.
Flexo, Bender: Eww!
Bender: Pervert.

Bender: [Pointing a gun at Fry] Halt! Who goes there?
Fry: Don't point that thing at me!
Bender: Fry who?

Fry: Whoa, whoa, wait a second. You mean Bender was the evil Bender? I am shocked! Shocked! Well, not that shocked.

Leela: Fry, why are you looking for Flexo in my underpants drawer?
Fry: I didn't find him ten minutes ago, so I thought it was time to check again.

Leela: Wow... The burial chamber of the 20th century's greatest spiritual leader - Al Sharpton.
Bender: Oh... Now this guy had taste.
Leela: It says he was mummified in ceremonial vestments.
Fry: We sometimes called it a jogging suit.

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Everyone into bed with me. I have something to show you. Feast your eyes on *this*
[Everyone gasps]
Leela: It's beautiful!
Amy Wong: And huge!
Fry: Can I touch it?

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Everyone get in bed with me. I have something to show you
[everyone gets in bed]
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Feast your eyes... on *this*!
[everyone gasps]
Leela: It's beautiful!
Amy Wong: And huge!
Fry: Can I touch it?


"Futurama: Fear of a Bot Planet (#1.5)" (1999)
Leela: Face it, Fry. Baseball was as boring as mom and apple pie. That's why they jazzed it up.
Fry: Boring? Baseball wasn't... Wait. So they finally jazzed it up.

Robot Guard #1: Be you robot or human?
Leela: Robot, we be.
Fry: Yep, just two robots out roboting it up.
Robot Guard #2: Administer the test.
Robot Guard #1: Which of the following would you prefer? A. a puppy; B. a flower from your sweetie; or C. a large, properly formatted data file? Choose!
[Fry and Leela discuss in whispers]
Fry: Is the puppy mechanical in any way?
Robot Guard #1: No. It is the bad kind of puppy.
Leela: Then we'll go with that data file.
Robot Guard #1: Correct.
Robot Guard #2: The flower would have also been acceptable.
Robot Guard #1: You may pass.

Fry: [sees Bender addressing a robot mob] It's him! He's okay.
Bender: Death to humans!
Fry: Ah, it's good to hear his voice.

Bender: You humans are afraid of a little robot competition. You would never let a robot on the field.
Fry: What are you talking about? I see plenty of robots out there.
Bender: Yeah, doing crap work. Robots are only working as bat boys, ball polishers and sprinkler systems. But how many robot managers are there?
Fry: Eleven?
Bender: Zero!
[Throws a bottle on the ground; a robot cleans it up]
Bender: And look who's cleaning up the crap! A human child? I wish!

Bender: Admit it, you all think robots are just machines built by humans to make their lives easier.
Fry: Well, aren't they?
Bender: I never made anyone's life easier, and you know it!

Dr. Zoidberg: I'll have some squid log.
Hot Dog Vendor: Sorry, we don't serve that.
Dr. Zoidberg: Fine, then I'll have one of your young on a roll.
Hot Dog Vendor: We don't serve rolls.
Dr. Zoidberg: Fine, just give me something crawling with parasites.
[Cut to Zoidberg and the others eating hot dogs]
Fry: At least hot dogs haven't changed.

Fry: So let me get this straight. This planet is completely uninhabited?
Bender: No, it's inhabited by robots.
Fry: Oh, kinda like how a warehouse is inhabited by boxes.

Wendy: At least the nightmare is over.
Robot Cop in Movie: It will never be over, Wendy. Even now, humans are lurking in our playgrounds, our breezeways, even in... our movie theaters!
[Movie audience gasps]
Fry: God help us!

Fry: Stop! One more step and I'll breathe fire on you!
Leela: He'll do it! He's crazy.
Orange Elder: Can humans really do that, or did we just made that up?
Blue Elder: I think it was from that movie.
Green Elder: Was that the original or the remake?
Blue Elder: I'm not sure... Hey, they're getting away!

Bender: Oh, sure. Let the robot do all the work.
Leela: Bender, this is the first actual work you have been asked to do.
Bender: Well, I can't do it. It so happens tomorrow is a robot holiday.
Fry: Really? Which one?
Bender: Only Robanukah, the two holiest weeks in the robot calendar.
Leela: Last week it was Robamadan, and the week before that, Robanzaa.
Fry: Man, that one was a blast.
Bender: I was not just a blast. It was a celebration of the accomplishments of my past prototypes, which just happened to take the form of a drinking contest.

Leela: We'd be killed instantly if we set foot on the surface, so we need to look and act like robots.
Fry: [robotic voice] I am fully operational.
Leela: We need to move like robots, talk like robots, and if necessary, solve complex differential equations like robots.
Fry: I can sort of dance like a robot.
[does the robot]
Leela: Fry, first of all, this is serious. And second of all...
[does the robot better]

Leela: Wait a minute. We know they hate humans, but how do they feel about humanoid aliens?
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: They're not fans.

Fry: [as they board the ship] So long, suckers!
[the robots start piling up on each other, getting closer to our heroes]
Fry: Uh, hello, suckers.

Fry: W-What are we gonna do?
Leela: I don't know! I don't know! It's not an easy decision. If only I had two or three minutes to think about it.
[the show goes to commercial]


"Futurama: Xmas Story (#2.8)" (1999)
Fry: Every Christmas my Mom would get a fresh goose, for gooseburgers, and my Dad would whip up his special eggnog out of bourbon and ice cubes.

Fry: This snow is beautiful. I'm glad global warming never happened.
Leela: Actually, it did. But thank God nuclear winter canceled it out.

Fry: I feel like a rat. Here I am whining like a pig while all along Leela is as lonely as a frog.

Dr. Zoidberg: You, a bobsledder? This I gotta see.
Hermes Conrad: Listen, you filthy crab. A thousand years ago there was a legendary team of Jamaican bobsledders.
Fry: Yup, I remember. They came last in the Olympics, then retired to promote alcoholic beverages.
Hermes Conrad: A true inspiration for the children.

Fry: [after Santa blows up the parrot he bought for Leela] Your gift may need some assembly.

[Fry and co. are being terrorized by the robot Santa Claus]
Fry: Please let us live. We'll put out milk and cookies for you.
Robot Santa: You *dare* bribe Santa. I'm going to shove coal so far up your stocking you'll be coughing up diamonds.

Santa Claus Robot: Fry and Leela, you've both been very naughty! I checked my list!
Fry: Well, check it twice!
Santa Claus Robot: I perform over fifty mega-checks per second!

[Fry and Leela are skiing]
Fry: Look out! We're heading straight for those trees!
Leela: Relax. Trees down.
Automatic Trees: Trees down!
[the trees lay down and disappear into the snow]
Fry: Hey, cool! But what do you say if you want the trees up?
Automatic Trees: Trees up!
[a tree flips back up, scooping Fry into the air. As Leela skis on, Fry is jammed crotch-first onto the upraised tree]
Fry: [strained voice] Trees down.
Automatic Trees: Trees down!

Fry: I am going to get you so many lizards!

[singing]
Amy Wong: He knows when you are sleeping.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: He knows when you're on the can.
Leela: He'll hunt you down and blast your ass / From here to Pakistan.
Dr. Zoidberg: Oh...
Hermes Conrad: You better not breathe / You better not move
Bender: You're better off dead, / I'm tellin' you, dude.
Fry: Santa Claus is gunning you down!

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Perhaps some skiing will help us forget the moldy old antics of Conan O'Brien.
Fry: Yeah!
Leela: Great idea!
Dr. Zoidberg: One can only hope.

Bender: I'm plenty generous. What about that time I gave blood.
Fry: Whose blood?
Bender: Some guy's.

Fry: All right, bird. You thought you could match me in a battle of wits, but you have just met your equal.

Fry: [the Planet Express crew is relaxing at the ski lodge] It really puts you in the Christmas mood.
Bender: What-mas?
Fry: Christmas! You know, X-M-A-S.
Leela: Oh, you mean *Xmas*! You must be using an archaic pronunciation, like when you say "ask" instead of "axe".


"Futurama: A Fishful of Dollars (#1.6)" (1999)
Turanga Leela: You're Fry's relative. Do you have any idea how he got so crazy?
Professor Hubert J. Farnsworth: Uh, what? Oh, yeah, they say madness runs in our family. Some even call me mad. And why? Because I dared to dream of my own race of atomic monsters, atomic supermen with octagonal shaped bodies that suck blood...

Leela: Didn't you have ads in the 21st century?"
Fry: Well sure, but not in our dreams. Only on TV and radio, and in magazines, and movies, and at ball games... and on buses and milk cartons and t-shirts, and bananas and written on the sky. But not in dreams, no siree.

[Fry is serving pizza with anchovies]
Fry: Ok my friends, get ready for the most delicious extinct animal you've ever tasted.
Amy Wong: I don't know, I've had cow.

Fry: Do you take Visa?
Clerk: Visa hasn't existed for 500 years.
Fry: American Express?
Clerk: 600 years.
Fry: Discover Card?
Clerk: Sorry, we don't take Discover.

Walt: And if you need further proof that we are a thousand years in the past, here is contemporary actress Pamela Anderson.
Pamela Anderson's Head: Hello, Fry. Remember me from "Baywatch: the Movie?"
Fry: Huh?
Pamela Anderson's Head: It was the first movie to be shot entirely in slow motion.
Walt: It hasn't been made yet.
Pamela Anderson's Head: Then he doesn't know I won the Oscar?
Walt: Nope.
Pamela Anderson's Head: Crap!

Leela: I don't get it, Fry. Who was Ted Danson, and why did you bid ten thousand dollars for his skeleton?
Fry: I have an idea for a sitcom.

Professor Hubert J. Farnsworth: I'm sorry, Fry, but anchovies went extinct in the 2200s.
Fry: Wha?
Professor Hubert J. Farnsworth: Oh, my, yes. Fished out of existence... just about the time your people arrived on Earth, Dr. Zoidberg.
Dr. Zoidberg: I'm not on trial here.
Fry: So, none of you have ever had anchovies? Oh, man! You don't know what you're missing. They were salty and oily and melted in your mouth...
Dr. Zoidberg: Okay, okay! I admit it! My people ate them all! We kept saying one more couldn't hurt, and then they were gone! We're sorry!

Dr. Zoidberg: That stench. That heavenly stench!
[Eats all the anchovies]
Dr. Zoidberg: More. More.
Fry: There aren't any more, and there never will be.
Dr. Zoidberg: [advances menacingly] More! More! More! *More!*

Turanga Leela: Fry, this isn't healthy. You're living in the past.
Fry: I'm rich! I can live whenever I want!
Turanga Leela: But we live here, in the year 3000.
Bender: Yeah! Now, are you gonna come to the squid fights with us or sit here wallowing in your prehistoric junk?
Fry: Junk? Maybe you can't understand this, but I finally found what makes me happy, and it's not friends, it's things.
Bender: I'm a thing.

Leela: Fry you can't spend all your time in the dark listening to classical music.
Fry: I could if you didn't turn the lights on and turn off my stereo.
Leela: Fry this isn't healthy, you're living in the past.
Fry: I'm rich I can live whenever I want!
Leela: But we're your friends and we live here in the year 3000.
Bender: Yeah, now are you going to come to the squid fights with us, or sit here wallowing in your pre-historic junk!
Fry: Junk? Maybe you can't understand this, but i finally found what i need to be happy, and it's not friends, it's things.
Bender: I'm a thing...
Leela: Fry please...
Fry: *Shuts the door on his friends*
Leela: My pony tail is caught in the door!
Fry: I don't need them!

Announcer: Do you remember a time when chocolate chips came fresh from the oven? Pepperidge Farm remembers.
Fry: Ah, those were the days.
Announcer: Do you remember a time when women couldn't vote and certain people weren't allowed on golf courses? Pepperidge Farm remembers.

Fry: Now, if you'll excuse me, it's eight o'clock. Time to get biz-zay.
[listens to "Baby Got Back" on his stereo; Leela turns it off]
Leela: Fry, you can't just sit here in the dark and listen to classical music!
Fry: I could've if you didn't turn on the lights and shut off the stereo!

Mom: I felt terrible when I heard about your money troubles. And I thought maybe I could help out a sweet, young man by buying his anchovies.
Fry: Sorry, but the anchovies aren't for sale.
Mom: What? Listen, you little bastard, I control the robot oil business and I won't let you ruin me! How much do you want?
Fry: You might as well put that checkbook away. Because I've discovered something even more important, my friends. And they aren't worth even a penny to me!


"Futurama: The Duh-Vinci Code (#6.5)" (2010)
Morbo: Silence, puny audience, and welcome to Who Dares To Be A Millionaire! Tremble at Morbo's mighty likeability, as I chitchat with our first contestant, Philip J. Fry!
[Fry is lowered on a chair; a sign reads "APPLAUD or be destroyed"]
Bender: Give 'em hell, Morbo!
Morbo: Prepare to exchange pleasantries! So, what do you do for a living?
Philip J. Fry: Uh... Let's see... Can I phone a friend?
Morbo: Chitchat achieved!
[Dramatic music plays]
Morbo: Are you ready to play!
Philip J. Fry: I didn't come to play, I came to win. Now let's play.
Morbo: For one dollar, which of these tools would you use to hammer a nail? Is it A: a hammer; B: another nail; C...
Philip J. Fry: B: Another nail! Final answer!
[Fry is lifted away]

Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: He may have hidden a clue in one of his artworks. Ergo, I sent Bender to bring a copy of The Last Supper.
Bender: I'm back! Everyone at Kinko's was an idiot, so I brought the original.

Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: My God! DaVinci's Vitruvian Man!
Philip J. Fry: It's truly a masterpiece. Note how the perspective lines draw the eye right to his dong.

Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Okay, everyone into the fountain.
Bender: Are you senile? There's no way I'm getting in there.
Philip J. Fry: Hey, look. There's coins.
[Bender dives in]

Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: All this knowledge is giving me a raging brainer!

Amy Wong: Spleech, Professor. Don't have a splenurism. Fry's your distant relative.
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Not distant enough! I'll be a monkey's uncle before I'm this monkey's uncle.

Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: My God! This is the greatest mystery in history. We must go to Rome and exhume the body of Saint James.
Hermes Conrad: Didn't we used to be a delivery company?
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: To the ship!

Philip J. Fry: It's an honor meeting you, Leonardo. And may I say, you were great in Titanic. The Beach... eh.
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: That's Leonardo DiCaprio, you blockhead!
[Punches Fry in the stomach, recoils in pain]
Philip J. Fry: I guess eating rocks was not as dumb as you thought.

Leonardo da Vinci: Would you like to attend the lecture too, Fry?
Philip J. Fry: Nah, it would just go in one ear and out some other hole.
Leonardo da Vinci: Have a seat.
Philip J. Fry: Now that I can do.
[Tries to sit on bench, but falls on floor]

Leonardo da Vinci: I have a confession to make. In this planet, I am an idiot.
Philip J. Fry: You? Who would call you an idiot?
Biff: Duh, I'm Leonardo. I don't know the mass of the Higgs boson.
Biff's Girlfriend: I have to use a pencil because I don't know how to use rendering software.

Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Stop! I want in on this!
Philip J. Fry: Professor, are you crazy?
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: I'm tired of being called an idiot, just because everyone is smarter than me. I say kill them all! Starting with the math teacher!

Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: I'm sorry I insulted your intellect. Your tiny, tiny intellect. Oops, there I go again, you dope.
Philip J. Fry: Thanks. I may not be smart, but I have a good heart. That's what my mom always said.
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: She was a wise woman.
Philip J. Fry: Also, she said I wasn't much to look at.
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: A wise woman indeed.

Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Oh my! It's Divici's fabled lost invention! Even the scholars who wrote of this device had no idea what it was for. And now, at last, neither do I!


"Futurama: Spanish Fry (#5.12)" (2003)
Fry: Look, normally I'm the first guy to toot his own lower horn...
Bender: I'll say. Whooooo!
Fry: But in this case, I just don't think it's going to work.
Bender: That's what she said. Whooooo!

Lrrr: Interesting, the trousers conceal a tiny, secondary, horn.
Fry: Hey! What'd you heard?

Fry: We've been to every scuzzy bazaar in the galaxy, including Pottery Barn.

Fry: We have to track down my nose before some alien snarfs it and does the worm. Who's in?
Leela: Me, Bender, and maybe Zoidberg if he feels like it.
Dr. Zoidberg: No, I'm good.

Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Bunk! Bunk, I say! Bring me a bag full of Bigfoot's droppings or shut up!
Ranger Park: I have the droppings of someone who saw Bigfoot.
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Shut up!

Fry: Yes! I never thought I'd escape with my doodle, but I pulled it out.
Bender: Just like at the movie theater. Wooo!

Fry: [as he is being sucked into a spaceship] Hey, what's the big idea? Stop abducting me! Why does your vanity plate say PROBE1?

Fry: Bigfoot, is that you? I'm not like the others, Bigfoot. I see through the monster coating to the gentle loner inside. I bet you have a wounded raccoon friend that you tenderly nurse back to health while you go, "Rooh! Rooh!" But in the end they shoot you, but you teach us about things.

Fry: Bigfoot! He's real! I knew it! The Loch Ness Monster's book was right!

Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Don't tell me you believe in Bigfoot, you blithering ninny-hammer.
Fry: Of course I do. Bigfoot's my hero. Growing up, he was the celebrity I most identified with.
Dr. Zoidberg: Why?
Fry: 'Cause he was a loner who hated the popular monsters, yet longed to be one.
Dr. Zoidberg: I can so relate to that.

Fry: [Pulling out a photo of himself] This is the nose we're looking for. Did you sell it to somebody?
Sex Shop Salesman: I'm sorry, friend, but due to the perverted nature of our business, customer records are strictly confidential.
[Leela punches salesman in stomach]
Sex Shop Salesman: Ugh! Right this way.

Fry: Shh! What was that sound?
Bender: It wasn't a bird's nest falling. That sounds like this.
[Shakes down a bird's nest, and the birds fly away]
Bender: Aw, they're so cute when they're scared.

Lrrr: Interesting, the trousers conceal a tiny, secondary, horn.
Fry: Hey! What've you heard?


"Futurama: Roswell That Ends Well (#4.1)" (2001)
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Above all else it is our sacred duty to preserve the past just as it is.
[Fry walks in]
Fry: Well, I've killed my grandfather.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Whaaaaaaaa?
Leela: Wait, if you killed your grandfather, why do you still exist?
Fry: I don't know. Maybe God loves me.
[Bender laughs maniacally]

Fry: Bender, what was it like lying in that hole for a thousand years?
Bender: I was enjoying it until you guys showed up.

Fry: But won't that change history?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: [ultra sarcastic] Ohh, a lesson in not changing history from Mr. "I'm My Own Grandfather"! Let's just steal the damn dish and get out of here! Screw history!

Fry: What smells like blue?

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: You mustn't interfere with the past. Don't do anything that affects anything. Unless it turns out that you were supposed to do it; in which case, for the love of God, don't not do it!
Fry: Got it.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: If, for example, you were to kill your grandfather, you would cease to exist.
Fry: [gasp] But existing is basically all I do!

Fry: We're in the middle of nowhere, which is the safest part of nowhere.

Fry: AAAH! It's impossible! I mean, if she's my grandmother, then who's my grandfather?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Isn't is obvious?
Fry: *shakes head*
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: YOU ARE!
Fry: Aaaah! Aaaaaah! AAAAAAAAAAH!

Fry: I've never seen a supernova blow up, but if it's anything like my old Chevy Nova, it'll light up the night's sky.
Bender: Yeah. Anyone who misses it will regret it the rest of his life. Hey, Fry. Could you go make us some popcorn?

Fry: Are you crazy? You almost got yourself run over!
Enos Fry: I did? Then, I sure am lucky you knocked me onto this pile of rusty bayonets.

Bender: Fry, stop interfering with history! I don't wanna have to memorize a lot of new kings when I get back.
Fry: I had no choice. I was about to not exist. I could feel myself fading away, like Greg Kinnear.

Mildred: [on phone] Killed by an atomic blast? No, sir. I don't take any solace in the fact that the implosion trigger functioned perfectly.
[cries]
Fry: Aw, there, there. If it's any consolation, his body was vaporized, so there's no chance of him coming back as a zombie.
Mildred: I'm not worried about that.
Fry: Then you're a braver woman than I.

Fry: Ooh, my popcorn's done.
[Goes to microwave; popcorn has reverted to an ear of corn]
Fry: Aw, it's less popped than ever.

Fry: [trying to distract Mildred from seducing him] You know what really cheers you up, baking a tray of sugar cookies.
Mildred: [seductively] How about *these* cookies, *sugar*?
[Mildred rips open her top to reveal her black bra]


"Futurama: My Three Suns (#1.7)" (1999)
Fry: It's just like the story of the grasshopper and the octopus. All year long, the grasshopper kept burying acorns for the winter, while the octopus mooched off his girlfriend and watched TV. But then the winter came, and the grasshopper died, and the octopus ate all his acorns. And also he got a racecar. Is any of this getting through to you?

Fry: [Fry struggles to cry and fails] It's no use. I want to cry, but I'm just too macho.
Bender: I'll make you cry, buddy. You're a pimple on society's ass and you'll never amount to anything.
Fry: Wha'd'you mean? I was emperor of a whole planet.
Bender: Good point... but here's a disturbing reminder: anyone you knew or loved in the 20th century is dead.
Fry: These things happen.
Bender: Okay, Fry, grab a Kleenex for this one, 'cause there's no god and your idiotic human ideals are laughable. Ha ha ha!
Fry: Phew, that's a load off my mind
Bender: Man, I guess it's harder than I thought to make someone cry.
Amy Wong: You did your best, Bender.
Bender: Up yours, bimbo!
[Amy cries]
Dr. Zoidberg: Let's face it, we're in hot butter here. We should call Leela for help.
Bender: Cram it, lobster!
[Zoidberg cries]

Fry: Now that you mention it, I do have trouble breathing underwater sometimes. I'll take the gills.
Shady Guy: Yes, gills. Then, uh, you don't need lungs anymore, is right?
Fry: Can't imagine why I would.
Shady Guy: Lie down on table. I take lungs now, gills come next week.

Fry: That's the saltiest thing I ever tasted, and I once ate a big heaping bowl of salt.

Fry: Hey, whatcha' watchin'?
Bender: [hastily turning off the TV] Uh, nothin'!
Leela: Was that a cooking show?
Bender: No, of course not! It was, uh... porno! Yeah, that's it!
Leela: [turning the TV back on] Bender! I didn't know you liked cooking. That's so cute.
Bender: Aww, it's true. I've been hiding it for so long...
Fry: It's okay Bender, I like cooking too.
Bender: Pansy.

Fry: This can't be happening!
Bender: It can, and for all you know, it is.

Amy Wong: Is this salt water?
Bender: It's salt with water in it, if that's what you mean.
Fry: My vision's fading! I think I'm gonna die!
Bender: There was nothing wrong with that food. The salt level was 10% less than a lethal dose.
Dr. Zoidberg: Uh oh. I shouldn't have had seconds.

Shady Guy: You want to buy organ? Fresh and cheap, ready for transplant.
Fry: Ooh! What's this?
Shady Guy: Ah! Is X-ray eyes. See through anything.
Fry: Wait a minute! This says Z-ray.
Shady Guy: Z is just as good. In fact, is better. Is two more than X.

Fry: [looking at an empty portrait frame marked Fry's Assassin's Assassin] Well, at least my assassin will get what's coming to him.

Fry: Wow, you guys have every kind of meat here except human.
Neptunian Vendor: What? You want human?

Leela: Look at these guys. Do you have any idea what the average span of their reign was?
Fry: Eighty thousand years?
Leela: No. One week!
Fry: Damn! I knew you wouldn't have asked me unless it was really low or really high.

Murg: This is Your Majesty's harem. You may choose any of these maidens to be your royal consort.
Fry: Puh, puh, puh... How about that one?
Murg: Oh, I didn't realize Your Majesty was into that sort of thing.
Fry: On second thought, I'll take that one.
Murg: Hey, whatever you say. I'm not here to pass judgement.

Dr. Zoidberg: Relax, Fry. I'll simply spin you in a high-speed centrifuge, separating out the denser fluid of his highness.
Fry: But won't that crush my bones?
Dr. Zoidberg: Oh, right, right, with the bones. I always forget about the bones...


"Futurama: A Head in the Polls (#2.7)" (1999)
Fry: You look different. Did you get a haircut?
Bender: No! I sold my body.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Sold your body? Oh, Bender, I've been down that road. I know it's glamorous and the parties are great, but you'll end up spending every dollar you make on jewelry and skintight pants.

Fry: Why would Nixon stay at Watergate?
Turanga Leela: They give you discounts if you've stayed here before.

Bender: Ahhh, what an awful dream. Ones and zeroes everywhere... and I thought I saw a two.
Fry: It was just a dream, Bender. There's no such thing as two.

Fry: This is crazy, Bender. How are you going to live without a body?
Bender: Pfft! Bodies are for hookers and fat people! All I need is a wad of cash with a head wrapped around it.
Fry: At least now you can pay your loan shark.
Bender: Yeah, right! What's he gonna do, break my legs?

Claudia Schiffer: Hi, I'm Claudia Schiffer's head.
Fry: I recognize you. Didn't you used to have a body of some sort?
Claudia Schiffer: Yeah, but it was holding me back. You know, I just did the cover of the Sports Illustrated Swimcap issue.
Fry: Grrr! Well, you're looking great.
Claudia Schiffer: Thanks. I wouldn't mind losing a few pounds, though.
Fry: Couldn't hurt.

Fry: What party do you belong to, Bender?
Bender: I'm not allowed to vote.
Fry: 'Cause you're a robot?
Bender: No, convicted felon.

Richard Nixon's Head: I remember my body. Flabby, pasty-skinned, riddled with phlebitis. A good Republican body. God, how I loved it.
Fry: I hear that. I spent most of my teen years loving my body. Course it was tough love, but...
Turanga Leela: [Elbows Fry] Fry, he opened up relations with China. He doesn't want to hear about your ding-dong.

Bender: It's hopeless. We might as well turn in my head for the five cent deposit.
Fry: No way! I'm not letting my best friend get recycled! Not for five cents, not for five hundred cents! Leela, I've got a plan!
Leela: I've got a better plan.

Richard Nixon's Head: That's it! You're all going to jail, and don't expect me to grant a pardon like that sissy, Ford.
Turanga Leela: You'll never pardon anyone because you'll never get elected president. The voters of Earth aren't the pea-brained idiots they were in your time.
Richard Nixon's Head: Oh, no? Well, listen here, missy. Computers may be twice as fast as they were in 1973, but the average voter is as drunk and stupid as ever. The only one who's changed is me. I've become more bitter and, let's face it, crazy over the years. And when I'm swept into office, I'll sell our children's organs to zoos for meat, and I'll go into people's houses at night and wreck up the place!
[laughs]
Fry: Well, he lost my vote.

Fry: Professor, when did you become so obsessed with voting?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: The very instant I became old.

Fry: If I were registered to vote, I'd send these clowns a message by staying home on election day and dressing up like a clown.
Turanga Leela: You're not registered?
Fry: Nope. Not vaccinated, either. Besides, it's not like one vote ever made a difference.
Turanga Leela: That's not true. The first robot president won by exactly one vote.
Bender: Ah, yes. John Quincy Adding Machine. He struck a chord with the voters by pledging not to go on a killing spree.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: But, like most politicians, he promised more than he could deliver.

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: The problem with both parties is that they want to give your tax dollars to the less fortunate.
Fry: The less fortunate get all the breaks!

[Fry is at the Voter Apathy Party booth]
Fry: Now here's a party I can get excited about. Sign me up!
Voter Apathy Party Man: Sorry, not with that attitude.
Fry: Okay then, screw it.
Voter Apathy Party Man: Welcome aboard, brother!
Fry: All right!
Voter Apathy Party Man: You're out.


"Futurama: Insane in the Mainframe (#3.12)" (2001)
Fry: [Fry thinks he's a robot ] Fear not: I shall assist ye.
Hermes Conrad: Robots don't say "ye"!
Fry: Relax, mammal. My robotic software shall meet your calculatory needs. What is the meaning of this symbol?
Hermes Conrad: That's a plus sign, ya pointy-haired loony! Quit thinking you're a robot!
Fry: I'll show ye!

Turanga Leela: I'm going to remind Fry of his humanity, the way only a woman can.
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: You're going to do his laundry?

Fry: Bender, you've got to help me. How can I show them that I'm human?
Bender: You could drop dead. That would show them.
Fry: I don't wanna!

Fry: I'm not a robot like you, I don't like having discs cramped into me... unless they're Oreos... and then only in the mouth.

Fry: Blood? Robots don't have blood. I must be a... a...
Dr. Zoidberg: A squid?
Fry: A human! Oh, my God, I'm a human!
Dr. Zoidberg: Also good.

Roberto: Hey, Red. You're just in time for the hostage situation. Which side do you want to be on?
Fry: The side that kicks your twisted, metal ass.

Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Ow. That's going to bleed when my heart beats.

Fry: I do other human stuff! I age! See?

Fry: I refuse to testify on the grounds that my organs will be chopped up into a patty.
Judge Ron Whitey: Ah, the 67th Amendment.

Fry: At least I have friends on the outside. Bender's been no help at all.
Bender: Je suis Napoleon! Ha ha ha! No, seriously, I'm not.

Bender: Buddy, you may be wrapped in greasy skin, but inside you've got the heart of a robot.
Fry: Aw. Thanks, Bender.
Bender: Just like inside me, I've got the heart of a human.
[Takes out human heart; others recoil in horror]
Bender: What?... What?

Fry: [about an Abraham Lincoln robot at the asylum] Let me guess. He thinks he's Abraham Lincoln.
Unit 2013: Well, he's supposed to, but he has multiple personalities. All of them Lincoln.
Abraham Lincoln Robot: I was born in 200 log cabins.

Fry: I'm not a robot like you, I don't like having discs crammed into me... unless they're Oreos... and then only in the mouth.


"Futurama: A Bicyclops Built for Two (#2.13)" (2000)
Fry: Well, thanks to the Internet, I'm now bored with sex. Is there a place on the web that panders to my lust for violence?
Bender: Is the Space Pope reptilian?

[the gang is logged onto the internet in virtual reality]
Bender: Behold... the Internet!
Fry: My God! It's full of ads!

Fry: Leela, you have to get me out of here. It's horrible! Eating scraps, letting my waste drop where I stand like an animal in the zoo.
Leela: Animals go on the corner.
Fry: The corner! Why didn't I think of that?

Fry: Four identical castles!
Bender: Each more identical than the last!

Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Good news, everyone. Several years ago I tried to log on to AOL, and it just went through.

Hermes Conrad: Get ready for fun, Fry. Nowadays, we have a type of game played entirely on video.
Leela: We call it a video game.
Fry: Uh, video game, you say? Well, golly gee. You mighty spacemen of the future will have to show me how it works.

Alkazar: This sacred mosaic depicts our goddess of beauty.
Fry: Hmm. You got any sacred artwork of her from the back?

Reverend Preacherbot: Does anyone have a reason why this couple shall not be joined in the irrevocable shackles of holy bliss?
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Saving a race of one-eyed monsters? Who could object to that?

Fry: That's weird. It's another cyclops, only this one has five eyes.
Bender: And here's another one with no eyes.
[Takes the five jewels that form the eyes]

[the gang is logged onto the internet in virtual reality]
Bender: Behold... the Internet.
Fry: My God! It's full of ads!

Fry: Well, thanks to the Internet, I'm now bored with sex.

Fry: Let's go find out what makes the Forbidden Valley so forbidden
Bender: No thanks, I'm good.
Fry: But, there's probably some cool forbidden stuff you can steal.
Bender: I don't know, Fry. For the first time in my life, I feel like I've stolen enough.
Fry: Bender! Snap out of it!
Bender: Sorry I don't what came over me. Let's go.


"Futurama: War Is the H-Word (#3.2)" (2000)
Fry: Ooh. "Big Pink." It's the only gum with the breath-freshening power of ham.
Bender: And it pinkens your teeth as you chew.

Soldier: This is the worst part. The calm before the battle.
Fry: And then the battle is not so bad?
Soldier: Oh, right. I forgot about the battle.

[bouncing on a ball towards Bender and the brain balls]
Fry: At last, war has made me into a man. Whee!

Fry: Wow. That guy makes Speedy Gonzalez look like Regular Gonzalez.

Fry: Full price for gum? That dog won't hunt, monsignor.

Fry: Okay, I gotta break down that gate, beat up those three guards, steal that chopper, and rescue Bender.
[Leela, as Lee Lemon, busts open the gate and knocks out the guards]
Fry: Hey, I did it! Wait, that's not me.

Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Now, be careful, Fry. And if you kill anyone, make sure to eat their heart to gain their courage. Their rich, tasty courage.

Recruitment Officer: Just sign on the dotted line, patriots, and I'll give you your discount cards.
Fry: Just out of curiosity, we could use the cards to buy gum, then immediately quit the army, right?
Bender: You know, playing you all for chumps?
Recruitment Officer: Correct. There's no obligation.
[Fry and Bender sign their cards, giggling]
Recruitment Officer: Unless, of course, war were declared.
[Siren blares]
Fry: What's that?
Recruitment Officer: War were declared.

Fry: [Leela running a circuit, in disguise as a male soldier] Wow, look at that guy. He makes Speedy Gonzales look like Regular Gonzales.

Fry: [about the hologram of Spheron 1] Cool effect!

Fry: Uh, just so we'll know, who's the enemy?
Captain Zapp Brannigan: A valid question! We know nothing about them, their language, their history or what they look like. But we can assume this. They stand for everything we don't stand for. Also they told me you guys look like dorks.
Bender: They look like dorks!

Soldier: So, any of you fellas got a special lady back home?
Fry: Well, I sorta have a thing for this girl I work with.
Leela: [Exclaims] Really?
[Realises is posing as Private Lemon and lowers voice]
Leela: What type is she? You know, blonde or Chinese or Cyclops?
Fry: Cyclops.


"Futurama: A Clone of My Own (#2.15)" (2000)
Robot Doorman #1: Halt! Identify this guest.
Leela: This is Hubert Farnsworth. He escaped.
Robot Doorman #1: Escaped? No one escapes!
Robot Doorman #2: This guest does not look 160-years old.
Fry: What? I'm old. Listen. Hey, you kids! Get off my lawn!
Robot Doorman #1: Hmm, it is true old people are often concerned that there are children in their lawn.
Robot Doorman #2: There is no denying that, but we'll still need to verify his identity with a DNA sample.
Bender: [presents the guard with a large jar of blood] Got a hot, steaming batch right here.
Robot Doorman #2: We only needed one cell.
Bender: Ah, keep the change, buddy.

[trying to wake up an unconscious professor Farnsworth]
Leela: Try shocking him.
Bender: Your social security check's bounced. Stuff cost more than it used to. Young people use curse words.
Fry: Damn it.

Fry: So this is where they stick old people. It's horrific!
Leela: At least it keeps them from driving.

Fry: Nothing is impossible. You'd know that if you really took after the professor, like I do.
Cubert J. Farnsworth: You're his uncle, dummy. He takes after you.
Fry: Uh, wha?
Cubert J. Farnsworth: Wait a minute, that means I also take after you. Aaaah!

Fry: You know, when I was asked to make a film about my nephew, Professor Farnsworth, I thought, "Why should I?" Then later, Leela made the film. But if I had made the film, you could bet there would've been more topless women on motorcycles. Roll film!

Leela: Okay, we'll tell them the professor escaped and we're bringing him back. Fry, you'll have to dress up like a 160-year-old.
Fry: I'm on it.
[lifts up his pants and acts old and frail]
Cubert J. Farnsworth: My God, the illusion is so perfect. I almost forgot I was looking at an idiot!
Leela: Now they may ask for a DNA sample.
Fry: [hikes up his pants higher] I'd like to see them find it.

Cubert J. Farnsworth: Why do I have to be the hump?
Fry: 'Cause you're too ugly to be a wart.

Fry: Man, the professor has been in his lab for days.
Bender: I hope he didn't die. Unless he left a note naming me his successor, then I hope he did die.

Fry: Sorry to disappoint you, but need I remind you?: blood is thicker than water.
Dr. Zoidberg: [writting] Blood... thicker?... water.

Leela: They've blown out one of our engines!
Fry: Fix it, fix it, fix it, fix it, fix it, fix it... fix it, fix it, fix it!

Cubert J. Farnsworth: [Hiding on Fry's back] Stupid robot.
Robot Doorman #1: Did your hump just say something?
Fry: Uh... I've got Talking Hump Syndrome.
Robot Doorman #1: Ah, THS.

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Good news, everyone. Tomorrow, you'll all be making a delivery to Ebola 9, the virus planet.
Hermes: Why can't they go today?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Because tonight's a special night and I want you all to be alive. It's the Academy of Inventors annual symposium.
Fry: Wow, I love symposia!
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: It's the scientific event of the season. Every member presents an invention. The best one wins the Academy prize.
Bender: Sounds boring.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Oh my, yes.


"Futurama: How Hermes Requisitioned His Groove Back (#2.14)" (2000)
Morgan Proctor: Regarding last Monday's delivery, why was it 3 days behind schedule?
Leela: Well, first we got lost, then Fry got his head stuck in a crater.
Fry: [sadly] I thought it would fit...

Leela: I'm having a poker game tonight with some of my old cryogenics lab coworkers. Would any of you like to join?
Bender: I don't know. I only gamble with chumps.
Fry: I'll play.
Bender: I'm in!

Fry: Jamaican? I thought you were some kind of outer space potato man.

Fry: I'm sick of you and your bureaucracy!
[tosses the stuff on Morgan's desk]
Morgan Proctor: Dirty boy! Dirty boy!
[jumps on Fry and starts making out]

Morgan Proctor: Why is there yogurt in this hat?
Fry: I can explain. See it used to be milk, and... well, time makes fools of us all!

Fry: But, but Bender need brain for... smart making!

Hermes Conrad: Not so fast! While I was filing, I came upon a certain document filed by a certain Morgan Proctor. Form B, notification of romantic entanglement.
Fry: That's right, she fraternized me!
Morgan Proctor: That form wasn't about you. It refers to my high school prom date. It was a regulation date that ended in regulation disappointment.
Hermes Conrad: Yes, but you only stamped it four times.
[All gasp]
Morgan Proctor: No! No! I was young and reckless!

Morgan Proctor: So this is where you eat?
Fry: Eat and sleep.

Fry: What's with the specs, Bender?
Bender: They're my lucky shades. I got them off some lucky guy while his lucky seeing-eye dog was out taking a whiz.

Fry: What did you do to him?
Morgan Proctor: I have downloaded his brain. Everything that is Bender is right here: his mind, his memories, his in-your-face interface.
Bender: [monotone] I am Bender. Please insert girder.

Fry: I demand that you give Bender back right now!
Morgan Proctor: Then you should have filed a request twenty years ago.

Morgan Proctor: No one can know about us. If anyone asks, I'll deny it.
Fry: Just like every other girl I've ever dated.


"Futurama: Jurassic Bark (#5.2)" (2002)
[Fry befriends a stray dog]
Fry: I like you, Seymour. You're not constantly judging me...
[bitter]
Fry: ...like all the other dogs.
[panicked]
Fry: Are you?
[relaxed]
Fry: Nah.

Fry: Wow. They discovered an intact 20th century pizzeria. Just like the one I used to work at.
Bender: Interesting. No, wait. The other thing. Tedious.

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: In cases of rapid fossilization, I can press this brain scan button retrieving Seymour's memories at the precise instant of doggy death.
Fry: [ecstatic] I'm gonna get my puppy back. In your face Grim Reaper.
Bender: [jealous] Crappy, ineffective Reaper...

[Protesting in front of the museum]
Crowd: What do you want?
Fry: Fry's dog!
Crowd: When do you want it?
Fry: Fry's dog!

Fry: I will now do the native dance of my people.
[Does The Hustle]
Turanga Leela: [Reading a book entitled "Dances of Ancient Bronx"] It says here that this part of the Hustle was a plea to the gods for a favor, usually a Trans-Am.

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: [Seymour is about to be cloned; the scanner reveals his species and the age when he died] Interesting... It seems Seymour died at the ripe old age of fifteen.
Fry: Fifteen? You mean... he lived for twelve more years after I got frozen?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: [Nods] Indeed.
Fry: [pauses] Stop the cloning.
[Everybody exclaims in confusion; Fry then takes a large wrench and hammers it against the machine, halting the cloning process]
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: [Crosses his arms] Oh, sure! Smash the *smart guy's* machine...
Bender: Fry, what's wrong?
Fry: Think about it: Seymour lived a full life after I was gone... He probably even added new songs to his repertoire.
Bender: But that's a good thing. "Walkin' On Sunshine" sucks noodles.
Fry: I had Seymour 'till he was three. That's when I knew him, and that's when I loved him... I'll never forget him...
[Picks up the fossil and looks into its apparent eyes]
Fry: But he forgot me a long, long time ago...
[Kisses his dog on the head, places him on the broken machine, casts a last look of good-bye, and leaves]

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: [the cloning process has started. Seymour is zapped by the machine and his DNA is extracted. "Species: Canis Familiaris. Age: 15" is displayed on a screen] Interesting... It seems Seymour died at the ripe old age of fifteen.
Fry: Fifteen? You mean... he lived for 12 more years after I got frozen?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Indeed.
Fry: [pauses] Stop the cloning.
[He picks up a spanner and hits the Clone-O-Mat with it, wrecking the machine and abruptly stopping the cloning process]
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: [Crosses his arms] Oh, sure! Smash the smart guy's machine!
Bender: Fry, what's wrong?
Fry: Think about it: Seymour lived a full life after I was gone... He probably even added new songs to his repertoire.
Bender: But that's a good thing. Walking On Sunshine sucks noodles!
Fry: I had Seymour till he was three... That's when I knew him, and that's when I loved him.
[He picks up Seymour's fossil and looks into his apparent eyes]
Fry: I'll never forget him... But he forgot me a long, long time ago.
[He kisses Seymour's fossil and places him on the alter of the machine; he walks away, while casting a final farewell gaze before leaving the room entirely]

Fry: I have a pizza here for Seymour Asses.
Man at Delivery Address: There isn't anybody by that name here. Or anywhere. I hope in time you realize how stupid you are.
Fry: I wouldn't count on it.

Fry: Bender, this has nothing to do with you.
Bender: That's impossible!

Tour Guide: I am a volunteer housewife with over 45 minutes of training and a romance novel about archaeology.
Fry: Don't wave your fancy degrees at me.

Fry: Now you can see what my life was like before I met you.
Bender: You had a life before you met me?
Fry: Sure. Lots of people did.
Bender: Really?

Turanga Leela: Fry, acting like a moron won't solve anything.
Fry: Then all hope is lost.


"Futurama: Leela's Homeworld (#4.5)" (2002)
Leela: I'm sorry you had to see that, Fry. Usually I keep my sadness pent up inside where it can fester quietly as a mental illness.
Fry: Yeah. That's what I do with my stupidness.

Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! You all know the orphanarium where Leela grew up?
Fry: Sure. We talk about it all the time.
Leela: Really?
Fry: No. Burn!

Hermes Conrad: It looks like toxic waste. And it smells like toxic waste.
Fry: What does it taste like?
Hermes Conrad: Delicious fig pudding. Oh, that's good. But a distinct aftertaste of toxic waste.

Hermes Conrad: I order you to dispose of that toxic waste properly or bribe me. Either way, it'll cost you $500.
Bender: 500 real dollars? That's an outrage! Professor, I can take care of that waste for only $499 and one hundred cents.
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Hmm, I know that's a rip, but I'll pay for the convenience.

Leela: Wait a minute. Why aren't you gonna kill us anymore?
Bender: Yeah. What are you, chicken?
[clucks]
Fry: Shut up, you two. We can kill ourselves when we get home.

Fry: Isn't there anything more you can tell me?
Warden Vogel: Nothing that wouldn't be a waste of your time.
Fry: That is impossible, because my time is worthless.

Leela: All I really wanted was a mom and dad, to hold me and stroke my hair and tell me they love me.
Fry: Then today is your lucky day, because I happen to be a holding, stroking, loving machine. Also spanking.
Leela: That's not remotely what I had in mind.

Fry: Isn't that the machine that makes noses?
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: It can do other things. Why shouldn't it?

Fry: Leela, don't shoot!
Leela: But they killed my parents!
Fry: Close.
[removes the hoods from the mutants]
Leela: They are my parents!

Fry: [after seeing the effects of the mutagenic lake on a rat] It's like that time I peeked at the kitchen at Imperial Hunan.

Leela: I told a whole crowd today that being an orphan made me strong... But all I really wanted was a mom and dad; to hold me, and stroke my hair, and tell me they loved me...
Fry: [Grins confidently] Then today's your lucky day, because I happen to be a holding, stroking, lovin' machine. Also spankin'.
Leela: [Looks down glumly] That isn't even *close* to what I had in mind...
Fry: [His tone becomes more serious] Well, anyway...
[Puts his hand comfortingly on her shoulder]
Fry: Just remember that people care about you.
Leela: I know...


Futurama: Bender's Big Score (2007) (V)
Leela: What's the secret of time travel doing on Fry's ass?
Fry: It was bound to be somewhere!

Bender: You know its funny...
Fry: What?
Bender: Your wiener! haha

Professor Farnsworth: Yes? I see.
[hangs up phone]
Professor Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! Those asinine morons who canceled us were themselves fired for incompetence.
[the crew cheers]
Professor Farnsworth: And not just fired, but beaten up, too... and pretty badly.
[the crew cheers doubtfully]
Professor Farnsworth: In fact, most of them died from their injuries.
[the crew remains silent while Bender laughs evilly]
Professor Farnsworth: And then they were ground up into a fine pink powder.
Fry: Why?
Professor Farnsworth: Oh, it's got a million and one uses.
[Takes some Torgo's Powder and sprinkles it in his pants]
Professor Farnsworth: Aw, that soothes the fire.
Leela: [referring to both the numerous air conditioners and the admirers of Futurama] So what does this mean for us and our many fans?
Professor Farnsworth: It means we're back on the air!
[the crew is still silent]
Professor Farnsworth: Yes, flying on the air in our mighty spaceship!
[the crew cheers wildly]
Bender: We're back, baby!

Professor Farnsworth: Time travel is impossible!
Fry: But Professor, you time traveled yourself. Remember? When we went back to Roswell?
Professor Farnsworth: That proves nothing! And furthermore, you'd think I could remember a thing like that! Plus, who are you anyway?

Nibbler: Alas our kitten-class attack ships were no use for their mighty chairs. The universe is doomed! Doomed!
Fry: Can I pull up my pants now?
Nibbler: Dooooooooooooooooooooomed!

Fry: So my copy lived 12 years longer before Bender killed him? I wonder what his life was like.
Scruffy: Hmm, I guess we'll never know.
Zoidberg: Or *will* we?
[pause]
Scruffy: Nope.
Narrator: [to audience] *They* won't know! But you *will*! Lucky you!

Fry: That's it. I don't see how things could get any worse
Bender: We could sing.
Professor Farnsworth: I'd rather kill myself.
Amy Wong: Why not do both?
Professor Farnsworth: Oh, very well.

Lars: Hello, everyone who isn't Leela. And a special hello to everyone else.

[Leela and Lars share an intimate kiss in the Hall of Screaming Skulls]
Leela: Let's go to my place.
[cut to an outside shot of Leela's apartment building. A wrecking ball razes the building]
Lars: I... like what you've done with it.

Lars: Sir, you're just a little enraged 'cause you're dying.

Lars: [to Zapp Brannigan] Admiral, will we stop attacking at any point? Or is this one of those phony bologna feel-good wars like the War on Drugs?


"Futurama: A Big Piece of Garbage (#1.8)" (1999)
Fry: Did you build the Smelloscope?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: No, I remembered that I'd built one last year. Go ahead, try it. You'll find that every heavenly body has its own particular scent. Here, I'll point it at Jupiter.
Fry: Smells like strawberries.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Exactly. And now, Saturn.
Fry: Pine needles. Oh, man, this is great... hey, as long as you don't make me smell Uranus.
Leela: I don't get it.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: I'm sorry, Fry, but astronomers renamed Uranus in 2620 to end that stupid joke once and for all.
Fry: Oh. What's it called now?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Urrectum. Here, let me locate it for you.
Fry: No, no, I, I think I'll just smell around a bit over here.

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Eureka!
Fry: Did you build the smellascope ?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: No. It turns out I built one last year.

Fry: Hey, you have no right to criticize the 20th century. We gave the world the light bulb, the steam boat and the cotton gin.
Leela: Those things are all from the 19th century.
Fry: Yeah, well, they probably just copied us.

Fry: No, Professor, don't give up. There were plenty of times in my century when I was going to give up, but I never did, never. Hey, are you even listening to me? Oh, I give up.

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Good news, everyone. Tomorrow, you'll be making a delivery to Ebola 9, the virus planet.
Hermes: Why can't they go today?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Because tonight's a special night and I want all of you to be alive. It's the Academy of Inventors annual symposium.
Fry: Wow, I love symposia!
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: It's the event of the scientific season. Every member presents an invention. The best one wins the Academy prize.
Bender: Sounds boring.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Oh my, yes.

Leela: We recycle everything. Robots are made out of old beer cans.
Bender: Yeah, and this beer can is made out of old robots.
Leela: And that sandwich your eating is made out of old, discarded sandwiches. Nothing just gets thrown away.
Fry: The future is disgusting!

Leela: Should we really be celebrating? I mean, what if the second ball of garbage returns to Earth like the first one did?
Fry: Who cares? That won't be for hundreds of years.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Exactly. It's none of our concern.
Fry: That's the twentieth century spirit.

Fry: Look at that! A Mr. Spock collectors plate and, woah! a Bart Simpson Doll!
Bartholemew Jo-Jo 'Bart' Simpson Doll: Eat my shorts!
Bender: OK! Mmmmmm, shorts.

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Behold, the death clock. Simply jam your finger in the hole, and this readout tells you how long you have to live.
Leela: Does it really work?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Well, it's occasionally off by a few seconds, what with free will and all.
Fry: Sounds like fun. How long do I have to live?
[sticks his finger in the hole; the professor looks and whistles]
Bender: Ooh! Dibs on his CD player!

Leela: Fry, this stuff was garbage when it was new. Let's blow it up already.
Fry: This junk isn't garbage! I can dig in any random pile and find something great.
[He dives into a pile, comes up chocking from a six-pack ring around his neck; Leela cuts it with a knife]
Fry: All right, let's get to work.

[they have found an internet documentary about the garbage ball]
Fry: Wow. In my day, the internet was only used to download porn.
Leela: Actually, that's still the case.
Scientist #1: Now that the garbage is gone, doctor, perhaps you could help me with my sexual inhibitions.
Scientist #2: With gusto.
[documentary music]


"Futurama: When Aliens Attack (#2.3)" (1999)
Beach Bully: Huh, err, sir, you don't understand. I'm a professional beach bully. I pretend to steal your girl, you punch me, I go down, she swoons, you slip me 50 bucks.
Fry: 50 bucks? Not even if she was my girlfriend. You take her!
Leela: Fry! Although I suppose we *could* go for a walk along the beach.
Beach Bully: Uh, no thanks, ma'am, I'm actually gay.
[runs off, Leela sighs]

[Zapp Brannigan is briefing Fry, Leela, Bender and his crew on his plan to destroy an alien mothership]
Captain Zapp Brannigan: If we hit that bullseye, the rest of the dominoes should fall like a house of cards. Checkmate.
[Kif groans]
Captain Zapp Brannigan: Now, like all great plans, my strategy is so simple an idiot could have devised it. On my command all ships will line up and file directly into the alien death cannons, clogging them with wreckage.
[Fry raises his hand]
Fry: W-Wouldn't it make more sense to send the robots in first a - ?
[Bender starts to choke him à la Homer Simpson to Bart in "The Simpsons". His antenna flashes again and he stops choking Fry and salutes]
Bender: Sir, I volunteer for a suicide mission.
[Bender's antenna stops flashing and he bangs his head with his knuckles]
Bender: Cut it out!
Captain Zapp Brannigan: You're a brave robot, son. But when I'm in command every mission's a suicide mission.

Broadcaster: Pizza delivery! Wow, so this is a real TV station, huh?
Broadcaster: Well, it's a Fox affiliate.
Fry: What are you showing right now?
Broadcaster: "Single Female Lawyer". It's the season finale. Wanna watch?
Fry: Ah, I dunno. That's a chick show. I prefer programs of the genre "World's Blankiest Blank".
Broadcaster: She *is* wearing the world's shortiest skirt.
Fry: I'm in!

Bender: I can't go into battle. I'm a conscientious objector.
Fry: A what?
Bender: You know, a coward.

Fry: It was just a matter of knowing the secret of all television: at the end of the episode, everything is back to normal.
[Pull back; the city is in ruins]

Fry: Hey, quit it, Hermes. It's Labor Day.
Hermes Conrad: Labor Day? That phoney-baloney holiday crammed down our throats by fat-cat union gangsters?
Fry: That's the one.
Hermes Conrad: Hot damn! A day off!

Captain Zapp Brannigan: The key to victory is discipline, and that means a well-made bed. You will practice until you can make your bed in your sleep.
Fry: You mean while I'm sleeping on it?
Captain Zapp Brannigan: You won't have time for sleeping, soldier, not with all the bed making you'll be doing.

Fry: It's crazy. How could they even know about a show from 1,000 years ago?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Well, Omicron Persei Eight is about 1,000 light-years away... so the electromagnetic waves would just have gotten there. You see...
Fry: [interrupting the Professor] Magic... Got it.

Bender: Okay, everyone! Come and get it!
Fry: Just like my dad used to make, until McDonald's fired him.
Bender: Bite my red-hot glowing ass!
[pause]
Bender: Wait a minute...
[looks at his backside]
Bender: Red-hot glowing ass? I'll be right back.
[runs into the water]
Bender: Ow-ow-ow! Ow-ow-ow! Ow-ow-ow-ow-ow!
[cools off]
Bender: Ohhh yeahhh...

Fry: I'm gonna be a science-fiction hero, just like Uhura, or Captain Janeway, or Xena!
[He makes gunfire noises]
Leela: [on screen] Fry, this isn't TV, it's real life. Can't you tell the difference?
Fry: Sure, I just like TV better.


"Futurama: Hell Is Other Robots (#1.9)" (1999)
Leela: Who would've thought that Hell would exist - and that it would be in New Jersey?
Fry: Well, actually...

Leela: All right, Beelzebot, what'll it take to get our friend back?
Beelzebot, The Robot Devil: Sorry, but I hold all the cards here. There's nothing you can do. Now, if you'll just sign this fiddle contest waiver...
Leela: Wait. What fiddle contest?
Beelzebot, The Robot Devil: Urrggh. The Fairness In Hell Act of 2275 requires me to inform you that if you can best me in a fiddle contest, you win back Bender's soul. As well as a solid gold fiddle.
Fry: Wouldn't a solid gold fiddle weigh hundreds of pounds and sound crummy?
Beelzebot, The Robot Devil: Well, it's mostly for show.

[while talking to the Beastie Boys]
Fry: Back in the 20th century, I had all five of your albums.
Adam Horovitz: That was a thousand years ago. Now we got seven.
Fry: Cool. Can I borrow the new ones? And a couple of blank tapes?

[after making a delivery to the mob planet Sicily-8]
Fry: I know Big Vinny said he was giving me the Kiss of Death, but I still think he's gay.
Leela: Did he use his tongue?
Fry: A little.

Fry: C'mon guys, tonight we're gonna party like it's 1999... again.

Fry: [singing] I don't feel well.
Leela: It's up to us to rescue him.
Fry: Maybe he likes it here in Hell.
Leela: It's us who tempted him to sin.
Fry: Perhaps he's back at the motel.
Leela: Come on, Fry, don't be scared. / I'm sure at least one of us will be spared. / So just sit back and enjoy the ride!
Fry: My ass has blisters from the slide!

Bender: I can't believe someone sent an intergalactic spaceship to deliver a package to Atlantic City. What are we delivering, anyway?
Fry: Uh... this.
[Takes a half-used roll of mints out of his pocket]
Bender: Where are we delivering it?
Leela: Uh, here.
[Puts roll into mailbox]
Bender: Another job well done.

Leela: If I didn't know any better, I'd think Bender was abusing electricity.
Fry: Bender? No way!
[the power goes down]
Fry: I definitely would have noticed something.

Fry: And you made me feel like a jerk for trusting you. Just like when my friend Ricky swore he wasn't taking drugs, and then he sold me my mom's VCR, and then later I found out he was taking drugs.

The Robot Devil: Give me back my hands!
[Looking at Fry's hands on his wrists]
The Robot Devil: These things are always touching me, in places...
Fry: [laughing] Yeah they get around.


"Futurama: The Sting (#5.9)" (2003)
Philip J. Fry: Why am I sticky and naked? Did I miss something fun?

Fry: Why am I all sticky and naked... did I miss something fun?

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: These bees are larger than most Buicks, and twice as ugly.
Fry: Larger than an American sedan? How big is the honeycomb?
Hermes Conrad: Honeycomb's big, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Bender: It's not small?
Hermes Conrad: No, no, no.

Leela: Bees communicate by dancing.
Fry: Just like my parents! Oh wait, that was hitting.

Leela: Look, I'm scared too, but I'm more scared of disappointing myself.
Fry: I'm not scared of that at all!

Fry: Bees make honey and jelly? How come nothing humans make taste good?

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Bad news, everyone: you're not good enough for your next mission.
Philip J. Fry: Yay! Not Good enough!
Bender: We live to suck another day.
Leela: Why? Says who?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Because! Says me! This job killed my last crew.
Leela: What's the mission?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Collecting honey, ordinary honey.
Leela: That doesn't sound so bad.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: This is no ordinary honey!

Leela: One spoonful to calm me down.
[Takes a spoonful of Space Honey, and drops on the couch, with her eye half-closed; sits back up loosely]
Leela: Okay... I got a pretty good calm going. Two spoonfuls to help me sleep.
[Takes a second spoonful and leans back against the couch]
Leela: Uh-oh, still awake... I guess one more spoonful couldn't hurt -
[as she reaches for the Space Honey, she knocks over the jar of Royal Jelly, spilling it all over the couch]
Leela: Oh, my gosh! I'd better get a sponge!
[the Royal Jelly is seen recombing and sliding up the couch to configure Fry's image; hysteric, Leela rubs her eye]
Leela: Fry? Is that you? I don't need a sponge!
Philip J. Fry: [Smacks his lips and opens his eyes; he moves his arm in front of him] Why am I sticky and naked...? Did I miss something fun?

Philip J. Fry: [tearfully] Just wake up, Leela. Just wake up.
Leela: [wakes up] Fry?
Philip J. Fry: Leela! You're awake!
Leela: Of course I'm awake. You wouldn't stop waking me.

Philip J. Fry: I thought if you heard a familiar voice, it might help you wake up. But who knows if it really got through?
Leela: It got through, Fry. It got through.
[hugs Fry and then whispers]
Leela: You could really use a shower.
Philip J. Fry: [whispers] You, too.


"Futurama: Time Keeps on Slipping (#3.14)" (2001)
Fry: That's how I must have done it! I moved the stars themselves to write her a love note in the sky.

Fry: Put me on, Professor. I wanna show Leela my skills.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Hmm. Will said skills pay the bills?

Leela: Your face can take a lot of punishment. That's good to know.
Fry: There's a lot about my face you don't know. Perhaps you and it could get better acquainted over dinner.

Fry: I got her champagne, I opened it... What does a guy have to do?

Ethan 'Bubblegum' Tate: Pitiful basketball players of Earth, I am Ethan "Bubblegum" Tate, commander of the Harlem Globetrotters. For generations, your puny planet has lived in peace with the Globetrotter homeworld. But now, for no reason, we challenge you to defend your honor on the basketball court. Will no one meet our challenge? Have none of you pathetic eartlings game?
Fry: What happens if we lose?
Ethan 'Bubblegum' Tate: Nothing. There is nothing at stake and no threat, beyond the shame of defeat.

Leela: All right, cool your jets, hot shot.
Fry: Come on, Leela. Why won't you go out with me? We both know there's something there.
Leela: No, I mean cool your jets. You're melting Bender's face.

Leela: How did you do it? Drugs on the champagne? Hypnosis?
Fry: No! Drugs are for losers, and hypnosis is for losers with big, weird eyebrows.

Fry: Say, Leela. How about a romantic ride on one of those swan boats? They're kinda dangerous, but I finally mastered them.
Leela: Those aren't swan boats. Those are swans.
Fry: Oh. That explains these boat eggs.

Fry: Psst. Leela, I've set up a time-proof shelter in the closet. There's only room enough for two, and you're the one I want to share it with.
Leela: Fry, that's so sweet. Let me see.
[Looks inside; the closet is set up with bead curtains, blacklight posters and a rug]
Leela: How exactly will this protect us from time skips?
Fry: Because when we're together in here, baby, time will stand still.
[Time skip; Leela is gone and Fry has a black eye]
Fry: Ow!

Fry: I moved the stars themselves to write her a love note in the sky.


"Futurama: Anthology of Interest I (#2.20)" (2000)
Stephen Hawking: Oh, great. The universe was destroyed.
Fry: Destroyed? Then where are we?
Al Gore: I don't know, but I dang well know where we're not - the universe.

Stephen Hawking: There he is. Seize him.
Fry: Who said that?

Dr. Zoidberg: [sees a guinea pig on a plate] What's this? Two meals in one week?
[Zoidberg devours the live guinea pig, and is trapped behind a glass box]
Fry: Gotcha!
Amy Wong: Sucker!
Dr. Zoidberg: Friends! Help! A guinea pig tricked me!

[Fry has disrupted the space-time continuum]
Al Gore: Well, it's obvious what should have happened. That whang to the head should have killed you.
Fry: What?
Nichelle Nichols: [menacingly] Let's finish the job.

Fry: Are you people satisfied? This gentle visitor is dying, and we'll never even know why he came.
Bender: I'll tell you, with my final breath. I came here with a simple dream: a dream of killing all humans. And this is how it must end? Who's the real seven billion ton robot monster here? Not I. Not... I.

Fry: What are you monsters? Is one of you I.C. Wienner?
Dr. Zoidberg: If that's his pizza, then I'm I.C. whatever.

Professor Farnsworth: Who else has a question for the What-If machine? Scruffy, Fry?
Fry: Uh, I have a question. What if Bender was really giant?
Leela: You idiot! We already saw that!
Fry: I know, I liked it. I want to see it again.
Professor Farnsworth: We're not seeing it again! Ask something less stupid.
Fry: Oh alright, how about this. What if I never fell into that freezer doodle and came to the future jiggy?
Professor Farnsworth: That question is less stupid, though you asked it in a profoundly stupid way. What if Fry never came to the future?

Fry: Who are you?
Bender: I'm a big robot, and I want a big cereal!
Fry: You too? Will you be my friend?
Bender: Put it there, pal!
[Fry shakes hands]
Bender: I meant your wallet.

Hermes Conrad: Come on, woman. Pick something.
Fry: Yeah, be more impulsive, like this.
[Pours milk and cereal on his head, starts eating it]
Bender: Go, man, go!

Stephen Hawking: Oh, great. The universe has been destroyed.
Fry: Then where are we?
Al Gore: I don't know, but I damn well know where we're not - the universe.


"Futurama: I Dated a Robot (#3.15)" (2001)
[Fry has purchased a robotic Lucy Liu]
Fry: Did you hear that? She likes me.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Well Duh, she's programmed to like you.
Fry: But this is Lucy Liu, perhaps the only good actress of the 20th century. She's more then just a piece of software.
Lucy Liu robot: Would you like to take a moment to register me?
Fry: Hmm, not right now.
Lucy Liu robot: [tussling Fry's hair] I'll remind you later, you hot stud you.

Lucy Liu-bot: You're cute!
Fry: No, you are!
Lucy Liu-bot: No, you!
Fry: No, you!
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Oh dear, she's stuck in an infinite loop and he's an idiot! Oh well, that's love for you, I guess.

[at the edge of the universe, Fry sees alternative versions of himself and his friends on the other side]
Fry: Far out! So there really is an infinite number of universes?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: No, just the two.
Fry: Oh, well. I guess that's enough.

Fry: How can you guys be so blasé? Here we are in the year three-hundred-or-so, yet you're just sitting around like it's the boring time I came from.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Boring? Wasn't that the period when they cracked the human genome, and boy bands roamed the earth?

Nappster Salesman: Welcome to Nappster. Let's see what celebrities we've got in stock. May I interest you in Gwyneth Paltrow?
Fry: No, I read in Newsweek that she drinks human blood.
Nappster Salesman: Then, uh, how about Cleopatra, whose beauty destroyed mighty empires?
Fry: I'd prefer someone from the era of shaved armpits. Do you have anything with more of a Lucy Liu feel to it?
Nappster Salesman: Nah, nothing like that, though we do have Lucy Liu. Only woman ever to be named People magazine's Sexiest Woman of the Year twice, in 2003 and again in 2063.
Fry: I'd like the 2003 model, please.

Lucy Liu: Fry, when you downloaded her without my permission, you stole my image, and in the end, that's all I really have. That and the largest gold nugget in the world, one mile in diameter.
Fry: But I just downloaded her because I love you.
Lucy Liu: If you love the real Lucy Liu, and not just what you've seen in movies, genre-straddling lawyer shows, and kick-ass articles in People magazine, you'll blank out that robot.

Fry: I just saw something incredibly cool! A big, floating ball that lit up with every color of the rainbow, plus some new ones that were so beautiful I fell to my knees and cried.
Amy Wong: Was it out in front of Discount Shoe Outlet?
Fry: Yeah.
Amy Wong: They have a college kid wear that to attract customers.
Fry: Well, I don't care if it was some dork in a costume. For one brief moment, I felt the heartbeat of creation, and it was one with my own.
Amy Wong: Big deal.
Bender: We all feel like that all the time. You don't hear us gassing on about it.

Leela: Hey, you know what might be a hoot?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: No! Why would I know that?
Leela: Let's take the rest of the morning off and take Fry to do everything he ever wanted to do.
Fry: [Alluringly] Everything?
Leela: Except that.

[Fry has purchased a robotic Lucy Liu]
Fry: Did you hear that? She likes me.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Well Duh, she's programmed to like you.
Fry: But this is Lucy Liu, perhaps the only good actress of the 20th century. She's more than just a piece of software.
Lucy Liu robot: Would you like to take a moment to register me?
Fry: Hmm, not right now.
Lucy Liu robot: [tussling Fry's hair] I'll remind you later you hot stud you.


"Futurama: I, Roommate (#1.3)" (1999)
[Bender explains why he drinks so much]
Bender: Nah, I'm trying to watch my input. I need plenty of wholesome nutricious alcohol. The chemical energy keeps my fuel cells charged.
Fry: What are the cigars for?
Bender: They make me look cool.

Fry: [watching a robot beeping on a wedding on the soap opera "All My Circuits"] Is he objecting or backing up?
Amy Wong: Sounds like both.

[Checking out an appartment that looks like an M.C. Escher print]
Leela: Wow, this is fantastic.
Fry: I don't know, I don't want to pay for an extra dimension we're not going to use.

Fry: Bender! You're blind, stinking sober!
Bender: That's right! I'm sober and crazy, and I don't know what I might do!
Fry: Don't do it!
Bender: I don't know what it is yet!

[Bender and Fry in Benders apartment]
Bender: [while sleeping] Kill all humans, kill all humans, must kill all hu...
Fry: [shakes him] Bender wake up.
Bender: I was having the most wonderful dream. I think you were in it.
Fry: Listen, Bender, uh... where's your bathroom?
Bender: Bath-what?
Fry: Bathroom.
Bender: What room?
Fry: Bathroom.
Bender: What what?
Fry: Aaah, never mind.
[Bender shuts himself down to sleep, Fry lies on the floor]
Bender: [while sleeping] Hey, sexy mama... Wanna kill all humans?

[Fry has been using the ship engines to dry his hair]
Leela: Fry, what were you thinking? You're getting a huge dose of radiation!
Fry: And great lift.

Bender: Where are you going to stay?
Fry: I don't know. Do refrigerators still come in cardboard boxes?
Bender: Yeah, but the rents are outrageous.

Fry: [about Bender's closet] This is huge! Bender, why don't I just live in here?
Bender: In a closet? Oh humans...

Fry: Leela we're trying to watch T.V.
Bender: Yeah, would you kindly shut your noise hole.


"Futurama: Anthology of Interest II (#4.3)" (2002)
Richard Nixon's Head: Good evening, ignorant pigs. Put down your crack pipes and your beer bongs and pay attention, as I sign a historic peace accord with ambassador Kong of planet Nintendo 64.
Fry: Wait a second, I know that monkey, his name is Donkey!
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Monkey's aren't donkeys, quit messing with my head!

Fry: [Bender is a massive glob of flab. Fry waves his hand in front of Bender's eyes] He's dead.
Professor Ogden Wernstrom: When did he die?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: [checks Bender's pulse] Hmm. About 12 hours ago when the party started.
Professor Ogden Wernstrom: But he just said, "Woooo!"
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: No, that was air escaping from the folds of his fat.
[shoves a glob of fat on Bender]
Bender: [his fat] Woooo!

[Fry "plays" Space Invaders]
Fry: I still have a trick or two up my sleeve. Watch as I fire upwards through our own shield!
Bender: [panicked] He's a mad man! A mad man!

Fry: All right. It's Saturday night, I have no date, a two-liter bottle of Shasta and my all-Rush mix-tape... Let's rock.

Bender: So this is what a human body feels like. Hey, where's my antenna? Oh, here it is. It just moved. But I'm not getting any reception. Maybe if I wiggle it a little...
Fry: Bender, no! You'll make God cry!

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: And as for you, my young lad, all you need is a brain.
Fry: Why does everyone keep saying that?

Richard Nixon's Head: Good evening, ignorant pigs. Put down your crack pipes and your beer bongs and pay attention, as I sign a historic peace accord with ambassador Kong of planet Nintendu 64.
Fry: Wait a second, I know that monkey, his name is Donkey!
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Monkey's aren't donkeys, quit messing with my head!

Fry: [Bender is a massive glob of flab. Fry waves his hand in front of Bender's eyes] He's dead.
Professor Ogden Wernstrom: When did he die?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: [checks Bender's pulse] Hmm. About 12 hours ago when the party started.
Professor Ogden Wernstrom: But he just said, "Woooo!"
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: No, that was air escaping the folds in his fat.
[shoves a glob of fat on Bender]
Bender: [his fat] Woooo!

Pac-Man: It's working! Victory is assured! My retirement tomorrow will be all the sweeter!
[a Space Invader shoots Pac-Man]
Pac-Man: [screams] I'm hit!
[sobs]
Pac-Man: So cold!
[Pac-Man dies just like he does in the video games. Ms. Pac-Man arrives]
Ms. Pac-Man: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Fry: Amy, tend to the widow Pac-Man.
[Amy tries to comfort Ms. Pac-Man]
Ms. Pac-Man: [crying] Wakka wakka wakka!


"Futurama: The Devil's Hands Are Idle Playthings (#5.16)" (2003)
Fry: My hands! My horrible human hands! Whoa! And what'd you do to my nails?
The Robot Devil: I cleaned them.

Beelzebot, The Robot Devil: Hello, Fry. Muahahahaha! Just dropped by to make sure you're as happy with our little deal as I am... oh, give me back my hands! These things are always touching me in... places.
Fry: Heheheh, yeah, they get around.

Leela: I've been a fool. A fully justified, prudent fool.
[touches Fry's hands]
Leela: Aaah! They're so cold!
Beelzebot, The Robot Devil: [off screen] And yet hell is so hot! Ahh ha ha hah!
Beelzebot, The Robot Devil: [off screen] Can I have my hands back now?
Fry: No!
Beelzebot, The Robot Devil: [off screen] You're not nice!

Hedonism Bot: Ah, Fry, congratulations. Your latest performance was as delectable as dipping my bottom over and over into a bath of the silkiest oils and creams.
Fry: Thank you, sir. That's exactly what I was going for.
Hedonism Bot: You were the sole diversion in what has been a pale and unamusing season, and so I would fain commission you write an opera.
Fry: But I've never written an opera.
Hedonism Bot: And I've never heard one. Still, if you can keep me amused through the overture I shall consider it a smashing success.

Fry: [singing] Destiny has cheated me / By forcing me / to decide upon / The Woman that I idolize / And the hands of an, Automaton /... Without these hands / I can't complete / The opera that was captivating her / But if I keep them / And she marries him / Then he probably won't / Want me dating her...

Hedonism Bot: Less reality, more fantasy. Resume the opera.
Fry: But I can't play anymore.
Dr. Zoidberg: Yes, you can! The music was in your heart, not your hands.
[Fry plays off key, everyone boos]
Dr. Zoidberg: Your music's bad, and you should feel bad!

Fry: At last, I have the power to make Leela love me!
[the Devil's hands start strangling Fry]
Beelzebot, The Robot Devil: Oh, sorry. That'll wear off in a couple of days.

Reverend Preacherbot: By the power vested in me by the state of New New York...
Fry: No! Stop! Take my hands, you evil... metal... dork!

Fry: [singing] Destiny/ has cheated me/ By forcing me/ to decide upon/ The Woman that I idolize/ Or the hands of an Automaton/... Without these hands/ I can't complete/ The opera that/ was captivating her/ But if I keep them/ And she marries him/ Then he probably won't/ Want me dating her...


"Futurama: Mars University (#2.2)" (1999)
Leela: You went to college?
Bender: Of course. I'm a bender. I went to Bending College; I majored in Bending.
Fry: What was your minor?
Bender: Robo-American Studies.

Fry: Wow. The jungles on Mars look like the jungles on Earth.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Jungles? On Earth? Hahahahaha.

Fry: Good ol' Coney Island College. Go WhiteFish.

Fry: Very impressive. Back in the Twentieth Century we had no idea there was a university on Mars.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Well, in those days Mars was a dreary, uninhabitable wasteland, much like Utah. But unlike Utah, Mars was eventually made liveable when the university was founded in 2636.

Fry: Hey, professor. What are you teaching this semester?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Same thing I teach every semester. The Mathematics of Quantum Neutrino Fields. I made up the title so that no student would dare take it.
Fry: Mathematics of wonton burrito meals. I'll be there!
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Please, Fry. I don't know how to teach. I'm a professor.

Fry: [upon seeing his dorm room for the first time] Hey, pretty nice for a single. Two desks, two chairs, a couple of beds.
[there is a knock at the door]
Fry: A woodpecker.

20th Century History Teacher: Be forewarned. The only way to get a sure A in this class is to have actually lived in the 20th Century.
Fry: Swish!
[Teacher pushes a button; Fry gets shocked]
20th Century History Teacher: Anything else to add, Mr. Fry?
Fry: I'm from the 20th Century. Go ahead, ask me anything.
20th Century History Teacher: Very well. What device invented in the 20th Century allowed people to view broadcast programs in their own homes?
Fry: Ooh! I know this... whatcha call it?... Lite Brite!
[Fry is shocked again]

Leela: What you did to poor Gunther was cruel. At the risk of sounding like an after-school special, I think we learned who the real animal is.
Fry: You mean peer pressure?

Fry: Very impressive, back in the 20th century we had no idea there was a university on Mars.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Well, in those days Mars was a dreary uninhabitable wasteland much like Utah, but unlike Utah Mars was eventually made livable.


"Futurama: Bendin' in the Wind (#3.13)" (2001)
[looking over an old Hippy Volkswagen bus]
Amy Wong: This speedometer only goes up to 80. This thing can't go faster than 80,000 miles an hour?
Fry: No, it can't. But it's got a driver's side floor and an eight-track player with genuine mono sound.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Where's the device that lets to speed up or slow down the passage of time?
Fry: [pulls out a bong] Under the seat.

Fry: She just needs some gas.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Wrong again, idiot. There is no gas. Petroleum preserves went dry in 2038.
Leela: Gas was an environmental disaster, anyway. Now we use alternative fuels.
Fry: Like what?
Leela: Whale oil.

Patchcord Adams: Did you hear they're using Windows 3000 as a jailer?
Fry: No. Why?
Patchcord Adams: 'Cause it always locks up.
[Others laugh weakly]
Bender: For the love of God, somebody kick his ass!

Fry: Put the metal to the pedal to the other metal!

Fry: Wow, I forgot about TV. Living free on the road, you realize how much better life is without it. Well, let's see what's on.

Fry: Get your love beads here! You can't journey to the center of your mind without love beads!
Hippie #1: Wow, look at all the colors. These'll go great with my soul.
Dr. Zoidberg: Glad you like them. I've been making fine jewelry for years, apparently.
Hippie #2: I'll trade you a bad poem!

Bender: You know, when I first got broken, I thought my life was over. But look at me now.
[starts counting with his fingers]
Bender: I've got fame, money, groupies, and it's all thanks to being completely immobilized.
[stands up]
Bender: That's why I'll be proud to go up on stage tomorrow and say, "Look at me, world! I am a broken robot!"
Fry: Bender, you can move! You're cured!
Bender: Oh, crap! It's a miracle!

Bender: Oh, no! I forgot this is a hoverbridge!
Turanga Leela: And I forgot this isn't a hovercar!
Fry: Is any of that a problem?
Dr. Zoidberg: Not if you've lived a life without regret!

Dr. Zoidberg: [the gang is doing laundry] Bad news, friends. My shell ran.
[All the clothes are covered in pink swirls]
Amy Wong: Zoidberg, you idiot! My outfit! It's... It's...
Turanga Leela: Kinda cool.
Fry: Yeah, I like it.
Amy Wong: Me too, now that I'm used to it.
Dr. Zoidberg: Then it was all on purpose! You're lucky to have Zoidberg as a friend. But cross me and I'll turn on you like that!


"Futurama: Fry Am the Egg Man (#6.22)" (2011)
[first lines]
Philip J. Fry: Run, Leela! They're bouncing right at us!

[last lines]
Philip J. Fry: One bucket of double-fried, triple-salted, boneless sheep tots, please.
Fishy Joe's Employee: What kind of cheese filling you want in that?
Turanga Leela: All kinds.
Turanga Leela: Eh, make it two. And a small whiskey. Large.

Philip J. Fry: You don't sit on something for a week without falling in love with it.

Philip J. Fry: You can't just kill somebody because they're ugly and corrosive.
Amy Wong: That's what we said about Zoidberg, and look where that got us.
Dr. Zoidberg: Amy makes a good point.

Philip J. Fry: Mr. Peppy wouldn't hurt your sheep. He's a vegetarian, and he's not even preachy about it.

Philip J. Fry: Leggo my eggo, you crabbo!

Amazonian: Hey, tiny man. You try Amazonian maple syrup?
Philip J. Fry: Sure.
[Other Amazonian wrings sap out of log and into Fry's mouth]
Philip J. Fry: Now that's the kind of sap I like.
Amazonian: You the kind of sap I like.
Philip J. Fry: I'm scaroused!

Bender: I'm thinking of buying a yacht to house my thoroughbreds. How am I supposed to do that without smoking a cigar?
Philip J. Fry: Think of the unborn embryo!
Bender: That's what I'm calling the yacht.


"Futurama: Fun on a Bun (#7.8)" (2012)
Amy Wong: Professor, where are we going?
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Well, it's July, right? Let's wait three months and go to Oktoberfest.

Philip J. Fry: Bring on the beer, and the scantily-clad barmaids, and the more beer!

Philip J. Fry: I didn't know the ship had a mammoth detector.
Bender: You're drunk, Fry. This is the elephant detector. I just set it to big and woolly.

Philip J. Fry: [Leading the charge for the Neanderthals] Kill all modern humans!
Bender: Hey, these guys are all right.

Philip J. Fry: Battalion A, smash things! Battalion B, smash different things!

Turanga Leela: Oktoberfest is a celebration of how much mankind has evolved. So be on your best behavior.
Philip J. Fry: No chance! You all can act like Jersey Shore socialites, but my dear pal Bender will party with me. Right, buddy?
Bender: Whoa, whoa! I love partying as much as the next fellow, but this is Oktoberfest. Good day to you, sir.
Philip J. Fry: Ach du freakin' lieber!

Turanga Leela: Fry, is that you? I didn't recognize you with your swollen head.
Philip J. Fry: I guess the blood must have gone somewhere else.

[last lines]
Turanga Leela: It's our stupid song! Care to join me?
Philip J. Fry: No, Leela. This time I'll let you embarrass me.


"Futurama: Law and Oracle (#6.17)" (2011)
Police Recruiter: You think you can just waltz in here with no pants and become a cop?
Philip J. Fry: That's the plan.
Police Recruiter: I like you, kid. I got no pants on either.
Philip J. Fry: I can see that. You're a little bit taller than me.

[first lines]
Philip J. Fry: After centuries as a delivery boy, nothing surprises me.

[last lines]
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: I hereby promote you to executive delivery boy.
Philip J. Fry: Executive?
Hermes Conrad: [whispers to Leela] It's a meaningless title, but it helps insecure people feel better about themselves.
Philip J. Fry: [Matt Groening and David X. Cohen's executive producer credits fade in] I feel better about myself!

Chief O'Manahan: I'll make it short and sweet, because I'm PMSing like a lumberjack. Police academy is not easy. You're gonna get your boobs scuffed. But if you've got the vulva to stick it out, you ladies will make excellent policemen.
Philip J. Fry: Sir, yes, ma'am!

URL: What's in the box, Schrödinger?
Erwin Schrödinger: A cat, some poison und a cesium atom.
Philip J. Fry: Is the cat alive or dead? Alive or dead? Answer me!
Erwin Schrödinger: It's in a simultaneous state until you break the construct.
Philip J. Fry: We'll see about that.
[Opens box; cat jumps out and attacks him]
URL: [Looks in box] There's also a lot of drugs in there.

URL: And to think he was only a few days from retirement.
Philip J. Fry: What happened to him?
URL: He decided to take an early retirement.

Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: On to business.
Amy Wong: Wait, aren't you going to say "Good news, everyone"?
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: That was for Fry's sake. Made the poor guy feel better about himself.

Chief O'Manahan: Congratulations on your big bust.
Philip J. Fry: Thanks. You too.


"Futurama: Parasites Lost (#3.4)" (2001)
[Fry walks out of a bathroom carrying a "Fresh" Egg Salad Sandwich he just bought from a dispenser]
Bender: What's that black cracker?
Fry: A tomato.
Leela: You're not going to eat a sandwich from a truck stop men's room, are you?
Fry: Eh, what's the worst thing that could happen?
[Takes a bite]
Fry: Ehh, it's like a party in my mouth, and everyone's throwing up.

[Fry threatens the parasites in his colon]
Fry: I hope Satan has a nice colon, 'cause that's where you're gonna be living.

[Smart Fry visits Leela's apartment]
Fry: Apartment 1-I. The old me would have made fun of that.

Leela: I haven't felt this happy since Double Soup Tuesday at the orphanarium.
Fry: When I'm with you, every day feels like Double Soup Tuesday.

Fry: Everyone out of my body or the brain gets it!
The Lord Mayor of Cologne: He's bluffing. No creature would voluntarily make an idiot of itself.
Fry: Obviously, you've never been in love.

Fry: It's like there's a party in my mouth and everybody's throwing up.

Fry: Of all the parasites I've had over the years, these worms are among the... hell, they are the best.

[Fry has been impaled by a lead pipe and is seeing Zoidberg for help]
Dr. Zoidberg: Oh, the hypochondriac's back! So what is it this time?
Fry: Well, my lead pipe hurts a little.
Dr. Zoidberg: That's normal. Next patient.


"Futurama: Love's Labours Lost in Space (#1.4)" (1999)
Fry: Hey, lucky for us Zapp Branigan's nearby!
Leela: No way, forget it. I refuse to go crawling back to him.
Fry: What? What do you mean?
Leela: Nothing. We just talked.
Bender: So? It's not like you slept with him.
[there is a pause. Leela looks at Fry, and Bender, then down to the floor]
Bender: Oh, my God!

Fry: If you rule out every guy with a lizard tongue or a low IQ or an explosive violent temper, of course you're going to be lonely.

Leela: That's Zapp Brannigan's ship.
Fry: *The* Zapp Brannigan?
Leela: Uh-huh.
Fry: Who's *the* Zapp Brannigan?

Fry: Wow, way to tell that guy off. Now what's your secret escape plan?
Leela: Uhh... I guess to sit here and wait for death.
Bender: [cheerfully] Can do.

Fry: We could totally escape, Bender. All you have to do is bend the hatch off this steam pipe.
Bender: Hey, yeah.
[He bends open the hatch; the cell fills with steam]
Fry: No good, it's full of steam!

Amy Wong: [at a nightclub] Everything is so retro.
Fry: Why is everyone wearing those rings?
Amy Wong: Guh! Because nobody wears them anymore. Rings are stupid.
Fry: I think they're cool.
Amy Wong: Shh! Don't let anyone hear you.
Guy: Hey, did that guy just say that rings are cool?
Amy Wong: No, he said they're stupid.
Guy: Cool!

Fry: I can't believe we traveled halfway across the galaxy and enjoyed a good steam just to get lunch for that dumb animal!
Bender: He's pending for a bending!

Fry: I can't believe it! I thought you had some standards. I mean, he's a dumb, gross gorilla.
Leela: Don't you think I feel bad enough already?
Fry: No.


"Futurama: The Cryonic Woman (#3.3)" (2000)
[Fry and Michelle have traveled to a post-apocalyptic year 4000]
Fry: Michelle, I don't regret this, but I both rue and lament this.

Fry: What's deathrolling?
Black Child: It's like skateboarding.
Punk Kid: But half the time someone dies.
Fry: Oh. So it's a little safer than skateboarding.

Fry: So you're saying these aren't the decaying ruins of New York in the year 4000?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: You wish. You're in Los Angeles.
Fry: But there was this gang of ten-year-olds with guns.
Leela: Exactly. You're in L.A.
Fry: But everyone is driving around in cars shooting at each other.
Bender: That's L.A. for you.
Fry: But the air is green and there's no sign of civilization whatsoever.
Bender: He just won't stop with the social commentary.
Fry: And the people are all phonies. No one reads. Everything has cilantro on it...

[Fry and ex-girlfriend Michelle are at MOMA]
Fry: Nowadays, people aren't interested in art that isn't tattooed on fat guys.
Sal: I'm on loan from the Louvre.

Michelle: Fry? Is it really you?
Fry: I don't know. Is it really you?
Michelle: What do you mean, you don't know? Is it you, or isn't it?
Fry: Who wants to know?
Michelle: Oh Fry, it is you!

Leela: We don't need to beg Bender, for God's sake we're not veterans.
Fry: Then what do you suggest? A daring daylight robbery of Fort Knox on elephant back. That's the dumbest thing I ever heard.

Fry: I find this post-apocalyptic wasteland very confusing. Seriously, I'm weirded out.
Michelle: That's because you're a loser. You were a loser in the year 2000 and you're a loser in the year 4000.
Fry: Yeah, but in the year 3000, I had it all; friends, a low-paying job, a bed in a robot's closet. I envied no man, but you wrecked everything!
Michelle: Quit standing up for yourself, Fry!

Hermes Conrad: Dating your ex Fry? Have you lost all self respect?
Fry: All what?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: This can only end badly Fry. Kids, a house...
Bender: A home invasion by a former room-mate.
Fry: But things are different this time. Before she was demanding and possessive. But now she wants me to do stuff and stay with her all the time!


"Futurama: The Problem with Popplers (#2.18)" (2000)
Fry, Bender: [singing] Pop a Poppler in your mouth, when you come to Fishy Joe's / What they're made of is a mystery; where they come from, no one knows / You can pick 'em, you can lick 'em, you can chew 'em, you can stick 'em / If you promise not to sue us, you can shove one up your nose.

Fry: I wish they'd just wipe out humanity and get it over with. It's the waiting I can't stand.

Fry: [after the news lady annouces Leela's first name is Turanga] Turanga?
Amy Wong: That's her first name, Philip.
Bender: Philip?

Fry: They're like sex, but I'm having them!

Leela: Great. We're two days from Earth with no food.
Bender: Problem solved. You two fight to the death, and I'll cook the loser.
[Whispers to Leela]
Bender: Work his gut. I like it tender.
Fry: Maybe that planet over there has a drive-thru. A Burger Jerk, or a Fishy Joe's, or a Chizzler or something.
Bender: Ah, don't get your hopes up. We're a billion miles from nowhere.
Leela: Yeah. It's probably only got a Howard Johnson's.

Fry: Let's bring back a few pocketfuls.
Bender: Better yet, let's take a whole Benderful.
Leela: No, take only what's necessary. Stuff the ship.

Fry: Business is going great.
Bender: Great is good, but amazing would be great.

Fry: This one can talk. Say mama.
Jrrr: Caca.
Linda: Okay, we're gonna have to censor that.


"Futurama: Rebirth (#6.1)" (2010)
[Fisrt lines of episode: Professor Farnsworth looks as if he's working on some experiment, and Fry comes in with his hair in an afro like in "Hell is Other Robots"]
Philip J. Fry: Professor, my Fry-fro's all frizzy.
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Okay.
Philip J. Fry: That's all.
[slicks his hair back]
Philip J. Fry: Oh, also, I'm covered with severe burns.
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: So? What of it?
Philip J. Fry: Well, why is... those things?
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: You mean you don't remember?
Philip J. Fry: Nope, nothing. It's like when I passed out in college, except no one drew magic marker penises on my forehead.

Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Come on, stem cells, work your astounding scientific nonsense!
Philip J. Fry: Fetal stem cells? Aren't those controversial?
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: In your time, yes. But nowadays... shut up! Besides, these are adult stem cells, harvested from healthy adults whom I've killed for their stem cells.

Bender: Yeah, we're back.
[All cheer]
Hermes Conrad: Sweet coincidence of Port-Au-Prince! We're back on Earth!
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Of course! That was the Panama Wormhole, the universe's central transportation channel
Dr. Zoidberg: [Chuckles] How humorous.
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Yes, it's sort of a comedy central channel, and we're on it now.
Amy Wong: [after a pause] I get it!

Turanga Leela: [Wakes up from her coma] Bender, shut the hell up!
[Everyone stands shocked; Bender starts overheating]
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Bender, stop shutting the hell up!

Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Can you call the time and declare the patient legally dead?
Dr. Zoidberg: Can I? It's my specialty.

Turanga Leela: It's amazing. It's like I'm looking at an exact robot replica of myself.
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: That is what you're looking at.

Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: [examining Leela] Something's wrong! She's not responding to my poking stick.

Turanga Leela: The truth is, Fry, I still have feelings for you. But are they really my feelings? Am I just an automaton or can a machine of sufficient complexity legitimately achieve consciousness?
Philip J. Fry: I agree.


"Futurama: The Cyber House Rules (#3.11)" (2001)
[Fry trying to talk Leela out of cosmetic surgery]
Fry: But you're better then normal, You're abnormal.

Leela: You're just jealous.
Fry: No I'm not. Oh wait - yes I am. But my point remains valid.

Orphanarium Worker: Well, keep adoption open. It's a good way of having kids without having sex.
Fry: Really?

Fry: Why are those kids following you ? You got candy stuck up your ass?
Bender: No! It's called parenting.

Leela: Aw, you're a true friend Fry. I guess there's nothing wrong with being a little weird.
Fry: Leela, there's nothing wrong with anything.

[Fry trying to talk Leela out of cosmetic surgery]
Fry: But you're better than normal, you're abnormal.

Mr. Vogel: Well, keep adoption open. It's a good way of having kids without having sex.
Fry: Really?


"Futurama: Put Your Head on My Shoulders (#2.10)" (2000)
Fry: I'm not a one-woman man, Leela.
Leela: You'll be back to zero soon enough.

Fry: Amy, you know how at first you like chocolate, but then you get tired of it because it alwys wants to hang out with you?
Amy Wong: Huh? You don't like chocolate?
Fry: Look, could chocolate please let me finish?

Fry: Tell me something. You have all this money. Why do you always dress like you're doing your laundry?
Amy Wong: I guess it's because my parents are always telling me to act more lady-like. As though.
Fry: I've been there. My folks were always on me to groom myself and wear underpants. What am I, the Pope?
Amy Wong: And if you were, they would just be all, "Straighten your pope hat. Put on your good vestments."

Dr. Zoidberg: I'm afraid your body was badly damaged in the crash.
Fry: How badly?
Dr. Zoidberg: That's it over there.

Fry: I'm doing my job, there's Amy. I spend a few hours selecting a candy from the machine, there's Amy. I wake up after sleeping with Amy, there's Amy.

Dr. Zoidberg: There you are, good as new. Except for your dorsal fin. I'm afraid we couldn't find it after the crash.
Fry: Can I live without it?
Dr. Zoidberg: If you call that living.

Fry: Bender, you gotta help me get a date for tonight.
Bender: Well, my normal fee is $500, but seeing that it's for you, I'm gonna need it in advance.


"Futurama: Möbius Dick (#6.21)" (2011)
Hermes Conrad: Zoidberg was popular?
Amy Wong: Zoidberg had hair?
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: I never said he had hair! If you chose to imagine him that way, that's your business!

Turanga Leela: Fear not the space behemoth. In my dreams, I have peered beyond it's eye and seen the cackling hell within us all.
Philip J. Fry: Okay... that's a good point.
Bender: Fry's right! Let's kill the captain and order some strippers!
[disguises voice]
Bender: Yeah, what he said! It's a mutiny led by Fry!
Turanga Leela: That's enough insubordination, Mister Fry!
Bender: String him up!

Turanga Leela: Where are we?
Hermes Conrad: Inside the belly of the beast.
Philip J. Fry: Like that Bible guy who got swallowed by a whale... Pinocchio!

Philip J. Fry: Leela, I'm no doctor, but I'm afraid you be exhibitin' symptoms of illin.

Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: They haven't aged a day! The whale must have some sort of Mobius colon that endlessly recycles time and space.
Scruffy: Yup, that stands up to scrutiny.

[as the ship is being pulled into the fourth dimesion]
Hermes Conrad: I can see sideways in time! Emit ni syawedis ees nac I!
Amy Wong: Gee, I see CGI! IGC ees I eeg!
Philip J. Fry: Heh heh! Poop! Poop! Heh heh!
Bender: Aw, yeah!
[sees a conga line of Benders]
Bender: Bender, Bender, Bender! Bender, Bender, Bender! Bender, Bender, Bender!
[as they emerge out of the fourth dimension, the other Benders collapse back into the original]
Bender: Aw, that was the greatest endless bunch of mes I ever met.

Turanga Leela: I suppose you're wondering why I'm covered in whale guts.
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: I admit to a polite interest.
Turanga Leela: You see, first I was consumed with obsession of the whale, then I was consumed by the whale.
Dr. Zoidberg: It's clever, but that doesn't explain anything.
Turanga Leela: Shut up, Zoidberg. But under that dark obsession lay a deeper obsession, which enabled me to take control of the whale and bend it to my will
[echoing]
Turanga Leela: An obsession with finishing my delivery!


"Futurama: A Pharaoh to Remember (#4.7)" (2002)
Fry: You know what the worst thing about being a slave is? They make you work all day but they don't pay you or let you go.
Leela: That's the only thing about being a slave.

Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Your basic bending unit is made of an iron-osmium alloy, but Bender was different. Bender had an 0.04% nickel impurity.
Bender: It's what made me me.

Fry: Incredible. This place is just like the Ancient Egypt of my day.
Osiran Slavemaster: That is no coincidence, for our people visited your Egypt thousands of years ago.
Fry: I knew it! Insane theories, one; regular theories, a billion.
Osiran Slavemaster: We learned many things from the mighty Egyptians, such as pyramid building, space travel, and how to prepare our dead so as to scare Abbott and Costello.
Fry: Also, Wolfman.

High Priest: The prophecy is strange and crudely drawn at best. It indicates that we are here, and our next Pharaoh is over there, near some... tents.
Bender: [hiding in the reeds] Those are waves, jackass! It's supposed to be a river!
Fry: Hey, I think I know who the next Pharaoh is.
Leela: Oh, lord!

Bender: [whilst being whipped] You call that motivating me? Don't just whip with your arms. The power comes from your hips. Like this.
[He takes the whip and whips himself. The rest of the slaves arrive with the block]
Leela: Bender, quit giving the slave drivers pointers!
Fry: Yeah, remember who your real friends are.
Bender: I'll tell you who I remember.
[points out tombs]
Bender: Enupsis! Pleotut! Whatsisname! He was the greatest of all.

Fry: Dearly Beloved, we are here today to remember Bender, taken from us in the prime of life; when he was crushed by a runaway semi, driven by the Incredible Hulk.
Bender: Aww, you knew my favorite cause of death.

Fry: You know what the worst thing about being a slave is? They make you work hard without paying you or letting you go.
Leela: Fry, that's the only thing about being a slave.


"Futurama: The Honking (#3.1)" (2000)
Leela: There, no rampaging for you tonight.
Bender: Wouldn't it make sense to weld everyone except me to the wall?
Leela: Just relax, Bender. Tomorrow we'll pry you down, have a nice breakfast, and then go hunt down and slaughter that ancient evil.
Fry: It'll be a rich, full day.

Fry: Poor Bender, you're seeing things. You've been drinking too much, or too little, I forget how it works with you. Anyway, you haven't drunk exactly the right amount.

Gypsy-bot: Each night your attacks will become more gruesome, until one dark night, you are doomed to kill your dearest friend.
Fry: I wouldn't want to be me right now.

Fry: I can't believe it. Bender is supposed to kill his closest friend, which I thought was me, but instead he went straight for you. He didn't even try to second-degree murder me.
Leela: Could you give me some help? I think Bender crushed my foot.
Fry: Stop rubbing it in!

Bender: I thought I killed you, my best friend.
Fry: You didn't, but I know you wanted to, and that's what matters. Here's to best friends.
[takes out a bottle of beer and drinks it]
Bender: Hey, that was my last beer! You bastard! I'll kill you!
Fry: I'll kill you too, buddy. I'll kill you too.
[Bender starts choking Fry]

Fry: [as werecar Bender goes after Leela] You jerk! I thought I was your best friend! What kind of two-timing killmobile are you?

Calculon: The year was 2019, and I was just a lowly robot arm working on Project Satan, a savage, intelligent military car built from the most evil parts of the most evil cars in all the world. The steering wheel from Hitler's staff car. The left turn signal from Charles Manson's VW. The windshield wipers from that car that played Knight Rider.
Fry: Knight Rider wasn't evil.
Calculon: His windshield wipers were. It didn't come up much in the show, though. Anyway, only after bringing Project Satan to live did they discover they had made a horrible mistake. For you see, it was pure evil!


"Futurama: Benderama (#6.15)" (2011)
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Everyone, look at my latest invention.
Dr. Zoidberg: Okay.
Amy Wong: I like how it's not killing us so far.

Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Oh, God. We've opened Pandora's fly. They'll reproduce without limit, consuming all the matter in the world!
Philip J. Fry: Like the Kardashians!

Philip J. Fry: Man, I wish we had a robot to do stuff.
Bender: I know, right?

Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Bad news, everyone. Look at this infinite series representing the mass of successive generations of Benders.
[Shows hologram of equation, everyone gasps in horror except Fry]
Philip J. Fry: Don't wait for me.
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: It's nonconvergent!
Philip J. Fry: [alarmed] Oh, dip!
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Unless we quickly exterminate them, they'll replicate ad infinitum, consuming all the matter on Earth!

Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: I was lying here snoozing, dreaming, oddly enough, about bathing in champagne with six of the world's most distinguished scientists, when suddenly I realized my bathwater has been transformed into alcohol.
Bender: Alcohol?
[Tastes water from brush]
Bender: Oooee!
[Picks up bathtub and drinks from drain]
Philip J. Fry: Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!
Bender: It's like fine cognac with a hint of aged scrotum.

Philip J. Fry: [slurring drunkenly] Blunder, you're the only one who's sober. You gotta do something.
Bender: Haven't I done enough already?
Philip J. Fry: Please, stop the monster. Just do that one thing.
Bender: Make it zero and you've got a deal.
Philip J. Fry: What if I folded the Professor's sweaters for you?
Bender: Both of them? You mean you'll do two things and I only have to do one thing?
Philip J. Fry: Yeah, to save the world.
Bender: [chuckling to himself] Sucker.

Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Everyone - look at my latest invention!
Dr. Zoidberg: Okay.
Amy Wong: I like how it's not killing us so far.


"Futurama: A Flight to Remember (#2.1)" (1999)
Fry: You're not jealous are you?
Leela: NO!
Fry: Good, 'cause I consider my fake relationship with you a lot more meaningful!

Leela: That was the worst mission ever.
Fry: That's the last time I visit a planet called Cannibalon.
Bender: Yeah. Food was good, though.

Fry: Look, our nebula. Everytime I look at it, I will think back to that moment when we almost...
[Nebula gets sucked into the black hole]
Fry: Never mind.

Leela: Oh, my God! We're headed straight for a black hole!
Fry: Talk about a mood killer.

Fry: Don't cry, Bender. No one really knows what happens in a black hole. She could still be alive in another dimension somewhere. Right, professor?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Oh, sure. Absolutely.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: [Whispers to Zoidberg] Not a chance.
[Mimes slashing his throat and being hanged]

[Leela surprises Fry with a big kiss to convince Zapp that Fry is her boyfriend. After Zapp leaves, Leela breaks the kiss]
Leela: Uh, look... Before you get any crazy ideas, that was for Zapp.
Fry: Well, you got anything else for him?

[Leela is jealous of Amy]
Fry: Oh. Look, I'm not actually interested in *her*, if that's what's bothering you.
Leela: Oh? Are you sure? I mean: *she* has two eyes, *you* have two eyes...?
Fry: I know. We seem like a perfect match. But, I just don't feel that way about her.


"Futurama: Love and Rocket (#4.4)" (2002)
Philip J. Fry: You could have picked a better time to break up with the ship, Bender.
Bender: Ah, the moment felt right. Call me old-fashioned, but I like a dump to be as memorable as it is devastating.

Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Remember, we need to show these people that we are not bitter husks of human beings, who long ago abandoned hope of finding love in this lifetime. Leela, you'll have to do some acting.
Turanga Leela: Check.

Turanga Leela: She can't hear us in here, so just pretend to shower.
Philip J. Fry: Same as everyday. Got it.

Philip J. Fry: Wow! Letters like 'U' and 'R' can stand for words, like 'you' and 'are.'

Philip J. Fry: Bender, how can you be in love with the ship? It'd be like me falling in love with a really fat chick... and living inside her... and going
[imitates flying sounds]
Philip J. Fry: .
Bender: Fry, in order for me to get busy with maximum efficiency, I need a girl with a 400-ton booty.

Turanga Leela: Ugh! I can't concentrate with this obnoxious candy in my face!
Philip J. Fry: I'm on it! And maybe I'll find those magic words while I'm at it.
Turanga Leela: Fat chance.
Philip J. Fry: [Reads one] Egh, no...
[Eats it and gags softly at the nasty taste; he reads another and groans in disappointment]
Philip J. Fry: Ooh... How 'bout this one?
Turanga Leela: Give it up, Fry! I have to pop these tops in a precise order.

Turanga Leela: It worked! Gravity normal... air returning. Terror replaced by cautious optimism! We did it, Fry!
[She looks over and sees his lifeless body]
Turanga Leela: Fry?
[She sees her oxygen supply is at zero and her face mask is connected to Fry's. She gasps in alarm]
Turanga Leela: You gave me your oxygen? Oh, no! Breathe, Fry! Breathe!
[She turns him over and performs C.P.R. to revive him. While pounding his chest, he coughs and spits out a candy heart that sticks to her cheek. She sighs in relief, then takes it off and reads it aloud]
Turanga Leela: "U leave me breathless?"
[Fry smiles brightly]
Turanga Leela: Happy Valentine's Day, Fry.
Philip J. Fry: [In a wheezing voice] Happy Valentine's Day.


"Futurama: The Deep South (#2.16)" (2000)
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: This is the perfect chance for Fry to try out my new anti-pressure pills.
[opens a bottle and a giant pill falls out]
Fry: I cant swallow that.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Well, then good news. It's a suppository.

Leela: I'm afraid Fry is suffering from ocean madness.
Fry: Every time something good happens to me you say it's some kind of madness. Or I'm drunk. Or I ate too much candy. Well I saw a real mermaid. And I wish for once my friends would have decency and kindness to believe me.
Leela: [whispers] Ocean madness.
[Fry storms out]
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: He may have ocean madness, but that's no excuse for ocean rudeness.

Fry: You find me fascinating, even when I'm not pretending to be a jewel thief or a lion tamer.
Ombrial: Lions? You have sea lions on the land?
Fry: Yep. We call them "land sea lions." I tame them.

Fry: So, am I going to drown?
Ombrial: No, just relax and let the warm ocean currents relax your every muscle.
Fry: Ah, yeah!
Ombrial: Did it just get warmer?

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Dear Lord! That's over 150 atmospheres of pressure!
Fry: How many atmospheres can the ship withstand?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Well, it's a space ship, so I'd say anywhere between zero and one.

Amy Wong: So Fry, Atlanta was an American city in your time?
Fry: I think it was just an airport. They had a place where you could buy nuts.
Ombrial: No! Ancient Atlanta was more than just a Delta hub! It was a vibrant metropolis, the equal of Paris or New York!
Fry: That's right, honey. Whatever you say.

Fry: I like your tail.
Ombrial: Thanks. I like those wriggly doodads growning from your hips.
Fry: Thanks. They're called pants.


"Futurama: A Tale of Two Santas (#4.2)" (2001)
Fry: This is not how Xmas is supposed to be. In my days, Xmas was about bringing people together, not blowing them apart.

Fry: Wait a second. Maybe your futuristic Xmas isn't so rotten after all.
Turanga Leela: What are you talking about, you crouton? You said so yourself. Xmas should be about bringing people together, not blowing them apart.
Fry: But don't you see? Fear has brought us together. That's the magic of Xmas.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: That's a big crock of...
[explosion outside]
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Hold me!

Fry: And I can deliver them, billions and billions in one night.
Santa-bot: Ha! No human could do all that.
Fry: Evel Kneivel could.
Santa-bot: Nuh-uh!
Fry: Yeah-uh!
Bender: Santa's right. We need some sort of robot.
[pause]
Bender: Oh, crap! I'm some sort of robot!

Fry: We've gotta bring back the kind of Xmas I remember.
Turanga Leela: Fry's right. It's time to sit on Santa's lap, and hard!

Fry: I'm gonna deliver a gift of my boot up Santa's chimney.

Fry: This is not how Xmas is supposed to be. In my day Xmas was about bringing people together, not blowing them apart.

[all singing]
X-Mas Elves: We are free and fairly sober/With so many toys to build/The machines are kinda tricky/Probably someone will be killed/But we gladly work for nothing
Fry: Which is good because we don't intend to pay
X-Mas Elves, Fry, Turanga Leela: The elves are back to work today. Hooray!
X-Mas Elves: We have just a couple hours to make several billion gifts/and the labor isn't easy
Turanga Leela: Then you'll all work triple shifts/You can make the job go quicker if you turn up the controls to super speed
X-Mas Elves, Fry, Turanga Leela: It's back to work on X-mas Eve. Hooray.
Turanga Leela: And although you're cold and sore and ugly/Your pride will mask the pain
Fry: Let my happy smile warm your hearts
Single X-Mas Elf: There's a toy lodged in my brain
X-Mas Elves: We are getting awfully tired and we can't work any faster
Bender: Why you selfish little bastards!/Do you want the kids to think that Santa's just a crummy empty-handed jerk?/Then shut your yaps and back to work
X-Mas Elves: Now it's very nearly X-Mas and we've done the best we could
Fry: These toy soldiers are poorly painted
Turanga Leela: And they're made from inferior wood
Bender: I should give you all a beating/but I really have to fly
Santa-bot: If I weren't stuck here frozen/I'd harpoon you in the eye
X-Mas Elves: Now it's back into our tenements to drown ourselves in rye
Turanga Leela: You did the best you could I guess/Cause some of these gorillas are okay
X-Mas Elves, Fry, Turanga Leela: Hooray!
Single X-Mas Elf: We're adequette
X-Mas Elves, Fry, Turanga Leela: The elves have rescued X-Mas day. Hooray!


"Futurama: Teenage Mutant Leela's Hurdles (#5.7)" (2003)
[while looking for the gargoyle Pazuzu, Farnsworth stops at a diner in Florida]
Bender: Yo, Captain Catarats. Why are we stopping here?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: It's almost 2:30. Just in time for the early bird dinner special.
Philip J. Fry: What about your gargoyle?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: The wha?

Mandy: [about Fry] So this is the famous Fry. What is he, like, the biggest loser on the surface so he has to hang out in the sewer?
Philip J. Fry: They're onto me.

Philip J. Fry: [on a boat race in the sewer] We miss the turn. We'll never catch up.
Turanga Leela: Yes we will. This pipe goes under Planet Express, and it's 9:00 PM.
[cut to Planet Express; toilet flushes]
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: The devil take this predictable colon!

Philip J. Fry: It worked! We're our original ages again!
Turanga Leela: I think I may even be a few years younger.
Amy Wong: Hey, me too!
[winks]

Turanga Leela: Professor, teeth do not belong in your pants.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Well, I can't keep them in my mouth. They're nuclear powered.
Philip J. Fry: Ow! It bit me!
Turanga Leela: No! No! It's tasted human blood!

Philip J. Fry: [after Leela decides to stay young] Goodbye, Leela. I'll come visit you when I'm all grown up.
Turanga Leela: [whispering] Bring beer.
Turanga Morris: No beer until you finish your tequila!

Philip J. Fry: [after Leela refuses the treatment to restore her age] Bye Leela. I'll come visit you when I'm all grown up.
Turanga Leela: [whispering] Bring beer.
Turanga Morris: No beer until you finish your tequila!


"Futurama: Mother's Day (#2.19)" (2000)
Philip J. Fry: We can live without machines. I was in Webelos

Philip J. Fry: You mean you and mom...
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Played pelvic pinochle? I'm afraid so.
[everyone gasps in disgust]
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: It's a humiliating story that I hoped never to tell. Well, pull up a chair.

Amy Wong: But the professor can't walk all the way to the Bronx. How are we going to get there without a hovercar?
Philip J. Fry: Wait. In my time we had a way of moving objects long distances without hovering.
Hermes Conrad: Impossible!
Philip J. Fry: It was called... let me think... It was really famous. Ruth Gordon had one... The wheel.
Turanga Leela: Never heard of it.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Show us this "the wheel."

Philip J. Fry: What happens if the fire goes out?
Hermes Conrad: We'll go across the street to Pottery Barn and steal their fire.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: We can use my new invention. A pointy rock tied to a stick.

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Just the thought of caressing that leathery hide makes the tapioca rise in my gullet.
Philip J. Fry: Professor, please. The fate of the world depends on you getting to second base with Mom.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Very well. If cop a feel I must, then cop a feel I shall.

Philip J. Fry: Hey, who's this guy?
Robot Janitor: I'm the janitor. Tryin' to take a nap, here.
Philip J. Fry: I'm sorry, I thought you were made of wax.
Robot Janitor: I *am* made of wax, what's it to you?
Philip J. Fry: I mean, I thought you were one of the wax robots.
Robot Janitor: Is there some reason a robot made of wax can't take a nap standing up in the middle of a bunch of wax robots? Or does that *confuse* you?

Philip J. Fry: Hey! The tv's getting away!


"Futurama: Crimes of the Hot (#5.1)" (2002)
Fry: Wow! That ice dispenser is so big, the ice crushes you. Ha ha ha! Yakov Smirnov said it.
Leela: No, he didn't.

Fry: Oh, my God! It's out of ice, like some outer space Motel 6!
Leela: Completely out of ice?
Bender: This could mean the end of the banana daiquiri as we know it! Also, life.

Leela: Bender, a turtle isn't yourself. Why do you care about it?
Bender: Because I also care deeply about things that remind me of myself, like poor little Shelly here.
Hermes Conrad: What could you possibly have in common with that walking soup mix?
Bender: For one thing, we both have a tough outer shell but live a rich inner life. And also... well, you know.
Leela: You're both alcoholic, whore-mongering, chain-smoking gamblers?
Bender: No, it's just... neither of us can get up when we get knocked on our back.
Fry: What? I've seen you get up off your back tons of times.
Bender: Those times I was slightly on my side.

Fry: Professor, you're a professor. You must have some ideas.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Absolutely not! I won't speak! I've got nothing to hide!
Al Gore: Our next speaker is professor...
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: I demand the floor!
Al Gore: Yes, it is your turn to speak.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Well, nuts to me! I'm taking the stage!

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: I know the source of the greenhouse gasses, but in my shame I kept it secret for 75 long years. Oh, it haunts my memories still!
[aims a gun at his head]
Fry: Professor, no! Don't do it!
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Don't do what? Don't use this memory ray so I can remember what happened back then?
[fires memory ray]
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: It was October 17th at 1:54 PM, and fourteen birds were flying by the window...

Civil Defense Van: Thank you all for coming. It is my pleasure to present the host of the Kyoto global warming conference. The inventor of the environment, and first emperor of the moon, Al Gore!
Al Gore: I have ridden the mighty moon worm!
[Crowd cheers]
Fry: Good for him.

Fry: That sounded horrible, Professor. Especially the you making out with Mom part.
Al Gore: Yeah, I really didn't need to hear that.


Futurama: The Beast with a Billion Backs (2008) (V)
[from trailer]
Philip J. Fry: I'll miss you, Bender. You and your robots, take good care of Earth. Here. These are the keys to the Bermuda Triangle. Lock up when the world ends.

[from trailer]
Bender: [Fry is about to go to heaven] Wait, let me come with you.
Philip J. Fry: I'm sorry, Bender, robots don't go to heaven.
Bender: [sobbingly] Death to humans.

[from trailer]
Turanga Leela: People of everywhere, I have shocking news!
Yivo: Hey, butt out!
Turanga Leela: These aren't tentacles, they're gentacles!
Philip J. Fry: Ewwwwwww...

Philip J. Fry: What Bender? Is something wrong?
Bender: Yes. I joined the club I thought was cool. But it turned out all leaguee-weegies are totally lame. That's what we call ourselves. Leaguee-weegies.
Philip J. Fry: Oh I'm sorry. I shoud have asked what was bothering you. I've been kind of preoccupied.
Bender: With what?
Philip J. Fry: Well, I went to another Universe and fell in love with a giant octopus; and now I'm Pope of a new religion.

Philip J. Fry: Yivo proposed! We're moving in with shkler!
Bender: Y-you're leaving? But why can't Yivo just move in with us? We'll put a cot in Europe.
Professor Farnsworth: Don't be daft, Bender. Yivo can't breathe outside the electric ether of shkler own universe. If shkle came here, shkle would shkluffocate.
Bender: No shklit.

[Fry and Colleen are riding the 2-D Tunnel of Love]
Philip J. Fry: Wow, Colleen, you even look beautiful in *2*-D?
Colleen: I do? But from your perspective, I'm just a line segment.
Philip J. Fry: A really hot line segment.

Philip J. Fry: I don't know if I can put my heart on the line again only to have it broken and stumped on like a nerd's face.


"Futurama: Fry and the Slurm Factory (#2.4)" (1999)
Bender: What should we point it at first?
Fry: I dunno. Try it on me!
[Zap]
Fry: Ow! My sperm!
Bender: Wow! Neat! Mind if I try that again?
[Zap]
Fry: Huh, didn't hurt that time.

[Discussion of the mysterious Slurm Cola]
Leela: This all must have something to do with the secret ingredient.
Fry: My God, what if the secret ingredient is people?
Leela: No, there's already a soda like that - Soylent Cola.
Fry: Oh. How is it?
Leela: It varies from person to person.

Leela: I've never seem anyone so addicted to Slurm.
Fry: This is nothing. In high school, I used to drink a hundred cans of Cola a week, right up to my third heart attack.

Glurmo: Okay, no more questions.
Fry: [raising up his hand] Why?

Fry: Can we have some Slurm now?
Glurmo: No food or drink on the boat. You'll have plenty of Slurm at the end of the tour, where you will party with Slurms McKenzie.
Fry: When will that be?
Glurmo: Soon enough.
Fry: That's not soon enough!

Leela: How can you trick people into drinking something that comes from your behind? It's disgusting!
Slurm Queen: Is it? Honey comes from a bee's behind. Milk comes from a cow's behind. And have you ever tried toothpaste.
Fry: Whose behind does that come from?
Slurm Queen: You don't want to know.

Glermo: There will be no more questions!
Fry: [raising up his hand] Why?


"Futurama: Less Than Hero (#5.6)" (2003)
Fry: I feel like I was mauled by Jesus.

Fry: Oh, no! Our superpower cream is out of itself!
Turanga Leela: Check under the cap. There may be a caked-in gold mine.
Fry: El Zilcho. I'm afraid we're boned.
Bender: El Zilcho. Hey, is it too late to change my superhero name?

Fry: Wow! A superpowers drug you can rub on your skin? You think it would be something you'd have to freebase.

Turanga Leela: Let's see, which powers do we have. Super strength?
[Leela breaks a table, Fry kicks a hole in the wall]
Fry: Yep.
Turanga Leela: Lickety speed?
[they run to the other end of the room in less than a second]
Fry: Check.
Turanga Leela: Yes, sir. Ability to command the loyalty of sea creatures?
Fry: Hey, Zoidberg! Get in here!
Dr. Zoidberg: Screw you!
Turanga Leela: Ain't got that.
Fry: Nope.

The Zookeeper: Ah, the superheroes. Or should I say super zeroes?
Fry: That was uncalled for.

[the mayor has summoned the New Justice Team, and Fry, Leela and Bender have to leave to get into costume]
Turanga Leela: Oh, I completely forgot, I left my apartment on fire!
[leaves]
Bender: And have to take my LSATs!
[leaves]
Fry: And I can't take life anymore!
[jumps out window]

Turanga Leela: Are you crazy? We have to keep our secret identities secret.
Fry: From everybody?
Turanga Leela: Especially from everybody!
Fry: Give several reasons why.
Turanga Leela: For one, super heroes cause a lot of colateral dammage and we don't want to get our but sued.
Fry: Or do we? No, I guess not.


"Futurama: Amazon Women in the Mood (#3.5)" (2001)
[Fry, Bender, Zapp, and Kif have been captured by Amazons]
Fem-puter: After lengthy femputations, I, Femputer, have decided the fate of the men. Femputer sentences them to death...
[everyone gasps]
Fem-puter: By snu-snu!
Fry, Captain Zapp Brannigan, Bender: Yeah! Woo-hoo!
[Kif starts sobbing]
Captain Zapp Brannigan: [to Kif] What are you? Gay?

Fry: [about being sentenced to death by "Snu-snu"] I never thought I would die this way, but I've always really hoped.

Fry: Any sign of Leela and Amy?
Bender: No, but what do you make of this?
[holds up giant hair clip]
Fry: I don't know, but it might have something to do with this.
[holds up giant can of Tab]

Fry: I can't believe Leela and Amy aren't back yet from their half date. I'm gonna call the restaurant.
Phone Recording: The number you have dialed has crashed into a planet. Please make a note of it.
Bender: Whoa!
Fry: We gotta go rescue them!
Bender: Eh, I dunno.
Fry: Bender, think of the señoritas!
Bender: Vamonos!

Amazonian: We take them to leader.
Amazonian: She know what do.
Fry: A female leader? That's ridiculous.
Leela: Fry, shut up.
Fry: Yes, captain.

Amazonian: It time snu-snu.
Fry: Can't we just cuddle?
[Amazon grabs him]
Fry: Nooooo.


"Futurama: Reincarnation (#6.26)" (2011)
Philip J. Fry: A guy like me can't afford a diamond ring for a gal like her.
Bender: That's for sure, not on the measly salary I steal from you every week.

Philip J. Fry: All right, diamond. You won those round, but I have an ace up my hole.

Philip J. Fry: Mere words cannot express how I feel when I'm with you.
Turanga Leela: Good?
Philip J. Fry: Oh, I guess they can.

Philip J. Fry: You a peace ambassador? The list of things I know is now complete.

Fry: Oh, it's just that I love Leela something awful. Do you think a space dame like her would ever marry a two-bit low-life delivery boy like me? And also, I have bad posture some severe financial problems?
Bender: Have you tried gettin' her pregnant?
Fry: Gosh, yes! I've tried and tried! But, so far, I only got Amy pregnant.

Professor Farnsworth: How do you people do it? How do you go on knowing there's nothing more to know?
Fry: I watch TV. It's the next best thing to being alive.


"Futurama: Bender Should Not Be Allowed on TV (#5.15)" (2003)
Calculon: That was so terrible, I think you gave me cancer! I don't care how popular you are, you will never work on my show!
Fry: Yay, Bender!
Turanga Leela: We demand Bender!
Calculon: However, you've got the job.

Fry: What kind of bozos would form a Bender protest group?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! Hermes and I have formed a Bender protest group.
Dr. Zoidberg: That was uncanny.

Turanga Leela: Children don't turn rotten just because of what they see on TV.
Fry: Yeah, give some credit to our public schools.

Turanga Leela: Bender, your swarthy Latin charm will only get you so far. There are a lot of professional child robots here.
Fry: Look, there's Macaulay Culkin.
Turanga Leela: He's just not cute since he had puberty installed.

TV Announcer: We now return to everyone's favorite show, already in progress. Everybody Loves Hypnotoad.
[TV shows Hypnotoad staring]
Fry: This show has been going downhill since season 3.

Fry: Look, there's that child actor who grew up and robbed a convenience store.
Turanga Leela: And there's that child actor who grew up and became a convenience store.


"Futurama: Raging Bender (#2.12)" (2000)
Fry: Man, I thought Ultimate Robot Fighting was real, like pro wrestling, but it turns out it's fixed, like boxing.

Fry: [at the movie theater] Cool let's see this one!
[points to "Galaxy Wars"]
Leela: Nah, I'm not in the mood for a historical documentary. I've heard good things about 'Quizblorg, Quizblorg.'
Amy Wong: Guck! I hate subtitles. Alien films are so pretentious.
Dr. Zoidberg: Fellows, fellows, how about a film we can all enjoy? "Planet of the Clams": It's about an upside-down world where lobster is slave to clam.
Bender: Who invited you? Let's just see "All My Circuits: The Movie."
[all mumble in agreement]
Bender: Good point, Bender!

[Fry, Bender and Leela are sihouetted against a movie screen, a la _"Mystery Science Theater 3000"]
Fry: [sarcastic] Oh, this is REALLY futuristic.
[Camera pans to reveal Tom Servo and Crow T. Robot, also silhouetted]
Crow T. Robot: Shhhh. No talking during the movie.

Calculon: [In a scene from All My Circuits: The Movie] Well, that finishes this paperwork
[Phone rings]
Calculon: Calculon Enterprises.
Monique: Calculon, an exciting fight scene has broken out at the special effects warehouse! Come quickly before a fiery explosion chases someone down a hallway!
Calculon: I have no choice but to...
[Screen freezes]
Mr. Moviefone: If you want Calculon to race to the laser gun battle in his hover-Ferrari, press one. If you want Calculon to double-check his paperwork, press two. Enter now.
[Fry presses button one on his armrest]
Mr. Moviefone: You have pressed two.
Fry: No, I didn't!
Mr. Moviefone: I'm almost positive you did.

Amy Wong: So how was the Spleef Nebula?
Hermes Conrad: [With brain slug on head, speaking in monotone] The flight had a stopover at the Brain Slug Planet. Hermes liked is so much he decided to stay of his own free will.
Fry: Hermes has all the fun. Wait a second! He has a brain slug on his head!
Leela: Shh! You're gonna get us all assimilated!
Amy Wong: Just act normal and switch to a garlic shampoo.

Bender: Fry, throw in the towel! For God's sake, Fry!
[Fry turns around, a brain slug on his head]
Fry: Uhhh...
Hermes Conrad: [still with brain slug] That's exactly what I was thinking.


Futurama: Into the Wild Green Yonder (2009) (V)
Philip J. Fry: Bite my shiny metal hat!

Philip J. Fry: Six, seven, eight; lock the gate. One, two, three; turn the key. Thirty, fifty, ten; my dirty shifty friend?

Philip J. Fry: Aren't you going to look at your cards?
Bender: Looking at one's cards is a crutch for players who rely on skill.

Philip J. Fry: Leela's not just a chick, she's the chick I love. But don't tell her I called her a 'chick,' or she'll kill me.

Hutch: The fate of the universe depends on you.
Philip J. Fry: Yeah, I get that a lot.

Turanga Leela: It's amazing! It's like a text book on evolution.
Philip J. Fry: Except in Kansas.


"The Simpsons: Simpsorama (#26.6)" (2014)
Professor Frink: Professor, y-you're a fellow man of science. Maybe if we teamed up, we could, uh, figure something out.
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Okay. Ih, but remember, to me, you're incredibly stupid.

Lisa Simpson: All we have to do is dig up the time capsule!
Turanga Leela: And bury Bart in the hole!
Marge Simpson: I thought people in the future would be more full of peace and love. Like in Epcot Center.
Turanga Leela: In our time, Epcot Center is a work farm for the weak.
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Oh, but it's not as crowded as the slave-labor camps at Universal Studios.
Marge Simpson: Hmmm...

Lisa Simpson: I can't believe you're all giving up without a fight.
Turanga Leela: Lisa, we're just a package-delivery service.
Philip J. Fry: And not a very good one!

Philip J. Fry: Wow! It's working! I guess the instructions were in English.

Lisa Simpson: Professor Farnsworth, I'd like to know how you got here. Was it a time machine?
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Little girl, time machines are physical impossibilities. We teleported through a singularity that I quantum entangled to Bender under the guise of fixing his collar.
Professor Frink: Yes, but how did Bender get here?
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: With a time machine.
Lisa Simpson: But you just said that...
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Sample's ready!

Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Good news, everyone!
Philip J. Fry: [Whispers to Marge] That means it's bad.


"Futurama: Future Stock (#4.9)" (2002)
That Guy: Let's practice your execu-speak. "I'm worried about blank."
Fry: Don't you worry about blank. Let me worry about blank
[later]
Leela: Fry, we're worried about Planet Express.
Fry: Don't you worry about Planet Express. Let me worry about blank.

That Guy: [Starts contorting violently] My bones!
Fry: Oh, my God! His boneitis!
That Guy: I was so busy being an '80s guy, I forgot to cure it!
[Contorts some more]
That Guy: My one regret is... that I have... boneitis.
[Dies in a hideously contorted manner]

Fry: Boneitis? That's a funny name for a horrible disease.
That Guy: There was no cure at the time. A drug company came close, but I arranged a hostile takeover and sold off all the assets. Made a cool hundred mil.
[coughs weakly]

Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: This is not a business. I always thought of it more as a cheap source of labor, like a family.

Fry: So, what's the deal? You guys don't believe in Robot Jesus?
Robot Rabbi: We believe that he was built, and that he was a well-programmed robot, but he wasn't our messiah.

Steve Castle: Let's practice your answers. "I'm worried about blank."
Fry: Don't you worry about blank. Let me worry about blank
[later]
Leela: Fry, we're worried about Planet Express.
Fry: Don't you worry about Planet Express. Let me worry about blank.


"Futurama: The Birdbot of Ice-Catraz (#3.9)" (2001)
Bender: Wiggles, weren't you about to propose a toast to your gallant captain?
Fry: Fine, I've got a toast. To Captain Bender, he's the best... at being a big jerk who's stupid and his big ugly face is as dumb as a butt!
Bender: Eh, I've heard better.

Fry: What happened?
Dr. Zoidberg: All six thousand hulls have been breached.
Fry: Oh, the fools! Why didn't they build it with six thousand and one hulls? When will they learn?

Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Being a captain is about intuition and heart. A good captain can't have either one. That's why cold, logical Bender is the perfect candidate for the job.
Bender: Well, I do think of human life as expendable.

Leela: Why weren't you kong donkeys outside cleaning up?
Dr. Zoidberg: They sent us inside for doing an unsatisfactory job... and eating penguin eggs.
Fry: You ate most of them.

Fry: No fair! Leela was training me to be captain. She even let me sit in her lap and steer... in this comic I drew.
Dr. Zoidberg: [Grabs comic] Ooh, the new one's out.


"Futurama: Ghost in the Machines (#6.16)" (2011)
Bender: You think robot life is worth less than human life, don't you?
Philip J. Fry: No, no. Well, actually yes.

[first lines]
Hermes Conrad: Listen up people. As long as nothing happens for the next 15 minutes, our insurance will be reinstated. So, let's just sit quietly and run out the clock.
[sits down]
Hermes Conrad: [brief pause while the group sits quietly]
Amy Wong: [stands, screams in terror, and points] A giant sausage!
[All yell in terror]
Hermes Conrad: [gets up and flails arms] Oh, God, no! Get out of here you horrific sausage!
Turanga Leela: Wait! Isn't today the parade? It's just a giant balloon.
Philip J. Fry: Giant balloon?
[grips chair and screams in terror]

[last lines]
Philip J. Fry: Hey, wait. Did you haunt me?

Philip J. Fry: Heroes don't do drugs. Except Drug Man, I guess.

Philip J. Fry: I miss him so much.
[speaking of Bender, who is dead]
Hermes Conrad: There, there, Fry. He may be gone, but he'll always be with us as a trashcan.
[unscrewing Bender's head, placing it on the floor, and using it as a trashcan]


"Futurama: The Tip of the Zoidberg (#6.23)" (2011)
Dr. Zoidberg: I'm afraid Fry lost a lot of juice. He's developed Simpson's jaundice.
Philip J. Fry: Ay, carumba.
Dr. Zoidberg: His only hope is some replacement liver. Yours looks like a good match.
Turanga Leela: Well, if it'll help Fry...
Philip J. Fry: Careful Leela. He knows less about human anatomy than I do, and I can't even find my own uterus.
Dr. Zoidberg: [turns on power saw] You may feel a slight sawing.

Philip J. Fry: Oh, sure. Leela's fine. But my jaundice has progressed to Muppet gangrene. It's not easy being gangrenous.

Philip J. Fry: Stop complaining. My body rejected your liver and now I have Garfield Syndrome. I hate Mondays.

Philip J. Fry: My God! He's like some kind of credible Hulk.

Philip J. Fry: I consider myself a reasonable man - quick with a joke, slow to anger - but Bender can't go on long car trips anymore! I say we kill Dr. Zoidberg!
Hermes Conrad: People, let's be reasonable...
[falls apart]
Hermes Conrad: Death to the crab!


"Futurama: A Leela of Her Own (#4.10)" (2002)
Philip J. Fry: Look, the players who broke the various color barriers.
Bender: When will man learn that all races are equally inferior to robots?

Philip J. Fry: Wow, I'm impressed. You look just like a ball player. Can I pat you on the butt?
Leela: Fry, I'm a professional athlete now, so go ahead.
Philip J. Fry: Aw, now I'm too nervous.

Leela: Fry, put down those binoculars. The wall of that strip club isn't going to collapse twice in one week.
Philip J. Fry: I know, and I've learned to accept it.

Hank Aaron XXIV: Okay, try it again, but this time keep your eye off the ball.
Leela: You mean keep my eye on the ball?
Hank Aaron XXIV: Hey, lady! Which one of us is in the Hall of Fame?
Philip J. Fry: Psst! You're holding the bat upside down.

Philip J. Fry: Well, I must say I'm impressed. You look just like a ballplayer. Can I pat you on the butt?
Leela: Fry! I'm a professional athlete... so go ahead.


"Futurama: Godfellas (#4.8)" (2002)
Philip J. Fry: You can't lose hope when it's hopeless. You gotta hope more, then put your fingers in your ears and go, "Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah!... "

Leela: Space pirates!
Philip J. Fry: Space pirates?
Leela: You know, pirates, but in space!

Philip J. Fry: Looking for God. That's important, yeah. But you know what might be a treat for everyone? If you let me use the telescope to look for my friend Bender.
Monk #1: I don't know what to say, other than... absolutely not! Sure, your loss is a tragedy, but our work...
Philip J. Fry: Come on, you guys have forever to find God. All I'm asking is one measly lifetime to find my friend.
Monk #2: Master, he speaks out of love for his friend. Perhaps that love in his heart is God.
Monk #1: Oh, how convenient! A way of looking for God that doesn't require looking through a telescope. Get back to work!

Philip J. Fry: Bender, you're alive!
Leela: This is by a wide margin the least likely thing that has ever happened.
Bender: Guys, you'll never believe what happened! First I was God, then I met God!
Philip J. Fry: We climbed a mountain and locked up some monks.
Leela: Oh, no, the monks! We forgot to let them out of the laundry room.
Philip J. Fry: Do we have to? They're monks, after all. I'm sure their God will let them out, or at least give them more shoes to eat.
Bender: Fat chance! You can't count on God for jack! He pretty much told me so Himself. Now, come on. If we don't free those monks, no one will.

Philip J. Fry: So that's my story, Father Changstein el Gamahl. Is there anything religion can do?
Father Changstein el Gamahl: Well, we could join together in prayer.
Philip J. Fry: Uh-huh, but is there anything useful we can do?
Father Changstein el Gamahl: No.


"Futurama: Lethal Inspection (#6.6)" (2010)
Bender: Dying sucks butt! How do you living beings cope with mortality?
Turanga Leela: Violent outbursts.
Amy Wong: General sluttiness.
Philip J. Fry: Thanks to denial, I'm immortal.

Philip J. Fry: This is every bit as fun as the real Civil War.
Turanga Leela: Not the Civil War, Private. We're re-enacting the Sith Wars.
Philip J. Fry: Sith? What the Hoth?

Bender: So what could have caused that leak? A heat fracture, on account of I'm so hot?
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: I'm afraid not. Oh, Bender, you have a fatal defect.
Bender: Ah, fatal, schmatal! I'll just download a wireless backup copy of me into an equally fabulous body.
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: That's just it. You can't! You were built without a backup unit.
Bender: There's no backup copy of me?
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: That's what I just said, you mortal coil.
Bender: So if I die...
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: You die. Or as you put it...
[Blows raspberry]

Bender: Oh, no, they've killed me! Put me in my Sunday best and stick me in a box. Now they're lowering me into the cold, cold ground. Oh, here come the worms! Ha ha ha ha!
Philip J. Fry: You wouldn't be laughing so hard if you were really dead.
Bender: Nu-uh, because in case you didn't know, I'm a robot.
Philip J. Fry: So? You could die if something heavy fell on you, like a church.
Bender: My backup unit makes a backup copy of me every day, so if something happens to my body, I just download that copy into another body. I'm immortal, baby!
Amy Wong: What? Then how come you scream every time there's danger?
Bender: I didn't say I wasn't a drama queen.

Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: I have pain in joints I had removed years ago. Bender, could you get me my soft chair with the wheels?
Bender: You mean your wheelchair?
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: No, not my wheelchair. The one with the wheels.


"Futurama: Bendless Love (#3.6)" (2001)
Turanga Leela: Guidance system?
Bender: Online.
Turanga Leela: Automatic pilot?
Automatic Pilot: Present.
Turanga Leela: Dark matter indicator?
Philip J. Fry: Making a noise.
Turanga Leela: All systems operational. Let's rock.

Turanga Leela: My God! Even the professor is bent!
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Thank you for your sympathy, talking square of linoleum.

Philip J. Fry: Professor, I've never seen you so cheerful. What the hell's wrong with you?
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Hmm, I'm not quite sure. Perhaps seeing things from a new perspective has reminded me of life's beauty. Or perhaps my new posture is causing blood to pool in the back of my brain, resulting in a slight delirium. Incidentally, you have a dime up your nose.
Philip J. Fry: I wish. It's a nickel.

Philip J. Fry: [to Bender, watching surveillance tape] Wait, there on the screen! It's that guy you are!

Turanga Leela: [Picks up L-shaped piece of metal] This is a normal L-unit. Without it, space travel is but the fevered dream of a madman.
Philip J. Fry: Yep.
Bender: Of course.
Amy Wong: Doy!
Hermes Conrad: It's an important unit.
Turanga Leela: And this, my friends, is the L-unit just removed from the ship.
[Unveils a straightened piece of metal; all gasp]
Philip J. Fry: That doesn't look like an L at all. Unless you count lower-case.
Bender: You know we don't!
[Slaps Fry]
Turanga Leela: Whoever did this was strong. This is 340 pounds of Tonka tough steel.
Bender: [Picks up L-unit] Hmmm, it should look like this...
[Bends into L shape]
Bender: ... but instead it looks like this.
[Straightens it out again]
Philip J. Fry: Who would do such a thing?
Bender: Who *could* do such a thing? And by that I mean this.
[Bends L-unit back and forth]
Dr. Zoidberg: Well, gang, it looks like we have another mystery on our hands.


"Futurama: A Taste of Freedom (#5.4)" (2002)
Fry: Wow! Nude hot-tubbing - that's all I need to hear about Freedom Day!
Dr. Zoidberg: Then consider the following lecture a bonus.

Fry: They sure hate Zoidberg.
Bender: Posers! I was hating Zoidberg before it was cool.

Fry: So what is Freedom Day? Sounds like some kind of feminine hygiene product.
Dr. Zoidberg: No. It's a fabulous, crabulous day!
Amy Wong: If you wanna do something, you do it, and to splick with the consequences.
Bender: You know, like how I live every day.
[trips up Hermes]
Hermes Conrad: Happy Freedom Day! Ow, I think I broke my wrist.

Fry: Wait, I'm having one of those things... like a headache, with pictures.
Leela: An idea?
Fry: [Nodding, a slight painful whimper in his voice] MmmHmm...


"Futurama: The Farnsworth Parabox (#5.10)" (2003)
Turanga Leela 1: Fine, you be crummy Universe "A", and we'll be Universe "1".
Philip J. Fry 1: Yeah, or the Mongooses, that's a good team name. "The Fighting Mongooses."

Fry: Oh my God. This is just like that drug trip I saw in that movie while I was on that drug trip.

Fry: Whatever is in that box, it's the only thing I ever wanted.
Dr. Zoidberg: In my experience, boxes are usually empty, or maybe with a little cheese stuck to the top. And one time, pepperoni. What a day that was!

Fry: There but for the flip of a coin go we.


"Futurama: Attack of the Killer App (#6.3)" (2010)
Philip J. Fry: I thought we were buying our eyePhones online.
Turanga Leela: We are on line.
Philip J. Fry: But I thought the Mom store was across town.
Amy Wong: It is across town.
Philip J. Fry: But I thought...
Bender: Stop thinking, Fry!

Philip J. Fry: I feel like a mindless zombie. I wish I knew how long we've been waiting.
Dr. Ben Beeler: The new eyePhone has an app for that.
Bender: Does it have an app for kising my shiny metal ass?
Dr. Ben Beeler: Several.
Bender: Ooh!

Philip J. Fry: That was low, Bender, even by your standards.
Bender: My what, now?
Philip J. Fry: Since when is the internet about robbing people of their privacy?
Bender: August 6, 1991.

Turanga Leela: What stinks? Were you rolling around in New Jersey?
Philip J. Fry: I knew I could never make it up to you, so I did the next best thing. I put myself through the same humiliation I put you through.
[Plays video of him diving into the pool of goat puke; the board breaks and he lands next to the pool, then falls in]
Turanga Leela: Aw, you didn't have to do that.
Philip J. Fry: I didn't? Damn!
Turanga Leela: Don't worry. By tomorrow, no one will remember.
Philip J. Fry: Can I have another hug?
Turanga Leela: No.
Susan Boil: Oh, hold yer nose and give it a go.


"Futurama: All the Presidents' Heads (#6.20)" (2011)
[first lines]
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! Remember when you asked to see my family tree?
Leela/Bender/Zoidberg/Hermes/Amy/Fry: [all respond simultaneously] No.

[last lines]
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: From Chester A. Arthur to Chester Z. Arthur, they're all here. Our republic, and the Farnsworth family name are saved. And no one will ever know.
[camera pans to collection of historical American flags, including one with Bender that reads "Bite my fhiny metal aff". Bender laughs evilly]

Philip J. Fry: Where are we? Also, when are we?
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Manhattan, 68th and Broadway, Colonial times.
[Camera pulls back to show them standing on an empty field, as a cow walks down a road]
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Rush hour.

Philip J. Fry: [about a piece of currency being fake] Duh! It says Colony of Maffasuchets.
Bender: [Snorts] More like Tax-a-ffusechets.
Benjamin Franklin: That's just how we print the s's, you ftupid fhitheads!


"Futurama: That Darn Katz! (#6.8)" (2010)
Professor Morris Katz: Allow me to introduce your examining committee in descending order of grumpiness. Professor Ogden Wernstrom...
Professor Hubert J. Farnsworth: Wernstrom!
Professor Morris Katz: Downtown professor of applied physics, Ethan "Bubblegum" Tate...
Ethan 'Bubblegum' Tate: I see by your curriculum vitae that you're a Sagittarius.
Professor Morris Katz: And Professor Fisherprice Shpeekenshpell...
Professor Fisherprice Shpeekenshpell: The cow says "Moo!"
Professor Hubert J. Farnsworth: He proved that fifty years ago, and he's been coasting on it ever since.
Professor Morris Katz: I am the esteemed Professor Morris Katz, and you are wasting my time. Procede.

Nibbler: Can we at least tell us what's going on down there?
Professor Hubert J. Farnsworth: We're certainly not building something sinister, if that's what you're implying. Now come on, Bender. Something sinister won't build itself.

Professor Hubert J. Farnsworth: You've got a bright future, Amy. As sure as the sun sets in the east.

Professor Hubert J. Farnsworth: Amy, technology isn't intrinsically good or evil. It's how it's used, like the death ray.


"Futurama: Cold Warriors (#6.24)" (2011)
[first lines]
Yancy Fry, Sr.: Double time, soldier. I want this ice fishing operation up and running by 0800 hours.
Philip J. Fry: [shivers] It's too cold, Dad. My teen region is freezing off.
Yancy Fry, Sr.: [blows raspberry] You don't know what cold is. I once survived an entire week trapped in a Swiss glacier eating nothing but frozen Neanderthal. To this day, I can't stand the taste of early hominid.

Philip J. Fry: Help! I'm drowning!
[gurgles]
Yancy Fry, Sr.: Don't worry, son. You'll freeze before you drown.

Mr. Panucci: [Back in 1988] Hey, Barack! Pizza goin' out. Come on!
Barack Obama: Man, I've got to go back to law school.
Philip J. Fry: Pffft! I'm not gonna wind up a loser like that guy.

Yancy Fry, Sr.: You still haven't thanked me for pulling you out of the lake, soldier.
Philip J. Fry: I could have flip-flopped out.
Yancy Fry, Sr.: I know that. I know I give you the business sometimes, but if I'm hard on you it's only because I want you to grow up strong and resilient. Someday, you may face adversities so preposterous, I can't even conceive of them. But I know you'll pull through and make me proud. I love you, son. Now, bundle up. I don't want you getting frozen.


"Futurama: In-A-Gadda-Da-Leela (#6.2)" (2010)
Dr. Zoidberg: Sure, but who is foolish enough to fly into what we all keep calling a death sphere?
Richard Nixon's Head: I say Brannigan.
Zapp Brannigan: I say no.
Turanga Leela: I say me.
Richard Nixon's Head: I say Leela.
Philip J. Fry: I say no!
Turanga Leela: I say me, again.
Zapp Brannigan: And I shall join you.
Turanga Leela: But it's a one-man ship.
Zapp Brannigan: And there'll be only one man. How would you feel about me sitting tailgunner with you?
Turanga Leela: Totally creeped out.
Zapp Brannigan: Then it's settled!

Philip J. Fry: Leela should have come back by now. I wonder if she's okay?
Bender: You never ask me if I'm okay. I'm feeling a little neglected here.
Philip J. Fry: I'm sorry, Bender. How are you?
Bender: Shut up!

[as Leela and Zapp have sex]
Philip J. Fry: For God's sake! Censor it! Censor it!
V-Giny: Approved for all audiences!
Philip J. Fry: Nooooo!

Philip J. Fry: The adult bookstore? I thought this was the public library.
Bender: Nope. Pubic Library.


"Futurama: The Route of All Evil (#5.3)" (2002)
Leela: Uh guys, I don't know how to tell you this. So I'll just let Fry blurt it out thoughtlessly.
Fry: We don't work for you anymore!

Dwight Conrad: I heard alcohol makes you stupid.
Fry: No I'm... doesn't!

[Fry and Leela walk into the room - Bender is on the couch, "pregnant" with brewing beer]
Bender: I'm really starting to swell up with beer. I must look ridiculous.
Fry: Nah, you have a healthy glow.
Bender: [Bender belches] Oh my god! I just felt it ferment!
Fry: Ooo! Let me feel.
Leela: [She and Fry sit next to Bender. She puts her ear to his chest] Have you thought about what to name it?
Bender: I was thinking Benderbrau if it's an ale, Botweiser if it's a lager.
Fry: I hope it's a lager so I can take it to a ball game.
[Bender belches again. Leela giggles]
Fry: Ooo! I felt that one!

Bender: Ah, beer. So many choices, and it makes so little difference.
Fry: How 'bout Löwbrau? It has dots.
Bender: Overruled! The choice of champions is Pabst Blue Robot.
Fry: I can't drink that. The metal shavings make my throat bloody.
Bender: Wah, wah! Baby wants a Zima!
Leela: Hey, hey! We can all fight when we're drunk.


Futurama: Bender's Game (2008) (V)
Philip J. Fry: There's so many killbots behind us, I can't count them all! Three, I think.

Frydo: Why aren't you killing it, Leela? You love killing!
Leegola: [Looking at her reflection in her sword covered with Zoiberg's blood] No! No more killing!
Monster Zoidberg: Ohhhhhh! So suddenly Miss Goody Four Shoes over here doesn't kill anymore. She killed me not five minutes ago! What am I, chopped liver?
Leegola: Shut up!
[She starts slashing at him again with her sword]
Monster Zoidberg: Ow! Stop chopping my liver!

[Momon has transformed into a dragon and with the Die of Power, Frydo transforms into a dragon as well]
Frydo: So it's all come down to this... a dungeon... and dragons!
Monster Zoidberg: I didn't see it coming.

The Great Wizard Greyfarn: Yes, tis a powerful object in both our worlds. If you fail to destroy it in yours, perhaps you were brought here that you might have have a second chance!
Frydo: So this land is real?
The Great Wizard Greyfarn: Oooh dreadfully real. If you die here you'll really be dead. But instead of science, we believe in crazy hocus-pocus. It's like Kansas.
Leegola: God help us.


"Futurama: Bend Her (#5.13)" (2003)
Philip J. Fry: Who do I root for? America, or one of those countries I learned about at the food court?

Bender: Professor, make a woman out of me.
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Oh, I think we should just stay friends.

Philip J. Fry: I can't watch this 'cause it's creepy and wrong and sick. However, I will watch out of curiosity.

Calculon: [On TV, reenacting the wedding] Coilette, your death fills me with sorrow... anger, fear. Every emotion an actor can dislay.
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: [to everyone watching TV] Turn off that crap-o-rama! One mistake now, and Bender will be trapped forever between the already ill-defined robot sexes.
[Uses a hammer and a chisel on Bender]
Bender: Oh! Ooh! Ow! Ooh!
Philip J. Fry: Well, Bender, I hope this has taught you a lesson about changing your sex to win five gold medals.
Bender: [Soft voice] It truly has. My romance with Calculon has shown me a lot about myself.
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: [Still hammering on Bender] Almost done.
Bender: [Continuing in a soft voice] If only somehow, some way...
[Normal voice returns]
Bender: he and I could drive to Vegas pick up some floozy-bots and void their warranties all night long! Whoo!
[Sits up and rips wedding dress off]
Philip J. Fry: Yay, my buddy's home! And his respect for women is back to normal.


"Futurama: A Farewell to Arms (#7.2)" (2012)
Philip J. Fry: [as his pants fly away on the weather balloon] My lucky pants!
Bender: They don't look so lucky to me.
Philip J. Fry: They are too lucky! I was wearing them when I found a dime in my ear, when I got a free subscription to Redbook, and when I first met Leela.
Turanga Leela: Aw. Also, Oh lord!
Philip J. Fry: Also, they're my only pants.
Bender: You wore the same pants for a thousand years? No wonder they made a run for it.

Philip J. Fry: No one messes with my pants, not even the Holy One, blessed be He.

Turanga Leela: Well, it wasn't a bad life. If only I could get back that time I spent watching Tron: Legacy.
Philip J. Fry: Leela, I swear I'll make it up to you. I don't know how, but I'll find every copy of that movie and destroy it. Sure, it might take a few hours...

Philip J. Fry: Scruffy, do you have any varmint grease?
Scruffy: What viscosity do you need?


'Futurama' Returns (2007) (V)
Philip J. Fry: Where is everyone?
Turanga Leela: Amy? Hermes?
Bender: That professor guy? That crawfish thing? This stinks! I demand a hero's welcome after 72 network episodes!
Philip J. Fry: Network episodes?
Turanga Leela: That's what we call the deliveries we made for the Box Network, a division of 20th Century Box.
Bender: And by my count, we did 72 primetime network episodes!
Philip J. Fry: Primetime?
Turanga Leela: That's what we call deliveries between 8 and 11 pm. Or 7 and 10 on Sundays.
Bender: And we made exactly 72 network primetime Emmy-winning episodes!
Philip J. Fry: Emmy winn-?

Turanga Leela: Hey, something's coming at us!
Bender: What's wrong, Big Boots?
Turanga Leela: We got snagged on a cable operated by the Carton Network! It's pulling us into a vortex!
Philip J. Fry: Do something! I hate vortexes!
Bender: It's *vortices,* meatbag!
Philip J. Fry: I hate *them,* too!

Bender: Just tell us what's happening!
Turanga Leela: We've gone back to December 31, 2999. We're about to re-live the last five years all over again!
Philip J. Fry: I've got a strange feeling...
Turanga Leela: Déjà vu?
Philip J. Fry: Leela! Now's not the time to come on to me in French.


"Futurama: The Mutants Are Revolting (#6.12)" (2010)
Philip J. Fry: Poor Leela. I feel like I ruined her life.
Hermes Conrad: You did ruin her life!
Philip J. Fry: You might be right, Hermes.
Hermes Conrad: I am right!
Philip J. Fry: I almost feel like we should do something.
Hermes Conrad: We should do something!
Philip J. Fry: I don't care what you say, Hermes! Let's go!

Dr. Zoidberg: Everyone debone a bunk and get some shut-eye.
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Zoidberg, show some respect! This is a sacred shrine to the thousands who lost their lives.
Amy Wong: Hey, I found a safe!
[Cut to Farnsworth trying to open the safe with a skull]
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: It's coming loose! Hand me more of that cruise director.

Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: The original passenger manifests.
Hermes Conrad: Spreadsheets were so elegant back then.


"Futurama: 30% Iron Chef (#4.11)" (2002)
Bender: Fleeing somewhere?
Philip J. Fry: With you blocking the only escape route? Don't be silly.

Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Good lord! According to the spetrolyzer, Spragel's secret ingredient was... water! Ordinary water!
Philip J. Fry: Ah, so the real gift Spragel gave you was confidence. The confidence to be your best.
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Yes, ordinary water, laced with nothing more than a few spoonfuls of LSD.
Bender: The important thing is, by my standards, I won fair and square. Now, who wants brunch, cooked with plenty of "confidence"?

Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: It's a perfect scale model of the universe's largest bottle. I put a tiny spaceship inside to keep it from being boring.


"Futurama: The Silence of the Clamps (#6.18)" (2011)
Billy West: Sorry mister, but I'm no Bender. I'm just a simple farmer. Name's Billy West.
Philip J. Fry: [laughs] "Billy West". What a stupid, phony, made up name.

[first lines]
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Who likes good news?
[everyone raises their hand]
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Everyone? Then, good news everyone! Our next delivery isn't to some dangerous outer space planet. It's to earth.
Philip J. Fry: Earth is dangerous. I fell off my chair there once.
[falls off chair]
Philip J. Fry: Ow! Quit it, earth!


"Futurama: Neutopia (#6.14)" (2011)
Turanga Leela: Well, it was a lot of hard work, but it beats posing in skimpy, demeaning outfits.
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Here are your skimpy, demeaning stewardress uniforms.

Philip J. Fry: Never bet against me being stupid.


"Futurama: The Thief of Baghead (#7.4)" (2012)
Bender: So what you're saying is that their souls were stolen?
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Souls? Pfft! It's their life forces that were stolen! It's scientific!
Bender, Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: That's why the robit is immune, maybe? Because he has no soul.
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Life force!

Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: The attention Landgon Cobb is receiving is inflating his ego. It's going totally Kanye!
Dr. Zoidberg: There's a humongous fungus among us.


"Futurama: Proposition Infinity (#6.4)" (2010)
[Getting ready to capture a tornado]
Turanga Leela: Is everybody in position?
Amy Wong: What?
Dr. Zoidberg: is someone talking?
Turanga Leela: Okay, good. On three. One...
Hermes Conrad: What did she say?
Turanga Leela: Two...
Bender: Wait! I'm not in position!
Turanga Leela: Three!
Dr. Zoidberg: I'm ready for the countdown!
Turanga Leela: I'm not hearing anyone! Abort mission!
Philip J. Fry: She said go!

Philip J. Fry: Professor, who's debating for your side?
Professor Farnsworth: Oh, that guy, you know... I forget his name.
[Cut to the debate; Farnsworth is at the podium and points to his image on the video screen]
Professor Farnsworth: That's him!


"Futurama: The Futurama Holiday Spectacular (#6.13)" (2010)
Professor Farnsworth: It's a wild albino humping worm.
Philip J. Fry: Why do they call it that?
Professor Farnsworth: Because it doesn't have any pigmentation.

Hermes Conrad: Kwanzaa traditions are quite ancient, dating back over one thousand years.
Philip J. Fry: Whoa!
Zoidberg: If only someone could tell us more about these traditions.
Kwanzaa-bot: [breaks through the wall] Oh, yeah!
Dwight Conrad: Hey, Kool-Aid's here!
LaBarbara Conrad: No, child, that's not a made-up character. It's Kwanzaa-bot.
Kwanzaa-bot: And I'mma tell y'all how we celebrate Kwanzaa. Zoidberg, lay down a beat!
Zoidberg: How 'bout I just lay down?
Kwanzaa-bot: [rapping] The seven basic principles that go to make up Kwanzaa! So sit yo' asses down and have some knowledge dropped upons ya!
LaBarbara Conrad: Kujichagulia...
Barbados Slim, Bubblegum Tate: And umoja...
Hermes Conrad: And the rest.
Planet Express Crew: Now we get it!
Kwanzaa-bot: Sit back down! There's gonna be a test. My favorite's ujamaa.
Bubblegum Tate: Cooperative economics.
Kwanzaa-bot: [to Dwight] Yo, boondocks, I'm talkin' here! Put away the comics! Ku'umba is another one, it stands for creativity.
Barbados Slim: [to Zoidberg] Like the ever-changing nature of my sexual proclivities.
Kwanzaa-bot: I think there's one called "nia," but I don't speak Swahili, Sumthin' 'bout a pine tree and a oil-wrestlin' dealy?
Professor Farnsworth: That's from Xmas and Robanukah, you plagiarizing lout!
Kwanzaa-bot: Yeah, I'm kinda losin' interest here. I'd best be rollin' out. But before I go, the most important thing...
Dwight Conrad: What's that, Black Santa?
Kwanzaa-bot: You need seven Kwanzaa candles that you light up every night. But they best be made of beeswax or y'all might as well be white.


"Futurama: Lrrreconcilable Ndndifferences (#6.11)" (2010)
Philip J. Fry: I don't want my comic picked apart by nerds. I'm taking it to a comic book convention.

Philip J. Fry: Mr. Aragonés, I've been a fan of your cartoons, and your moustache.
Sergio Aragonés: Take it. It has brought me nothing but misery.
[Fry yanks off moustache]
Sergio Aragonés: Ay, ay, ay!
Philip J. Fry: I want you to take a look at my comic book.
Sergio Aragonés: Señor, anyone who still draws comic books is a hero to me.
[Reads it]
Sergio Aragonés: It stinks. But I do like the little doodles on the margins.
Philip J. Fry: Oh, that's just some relish from a hot-dog I found.


"Futurama: The Bots and the Bees (#7.1)" (2012)
Bev: Hey, folks. What can I get ya?
Philip J. Fry: Hey, it can talk. Shut up and give me a Slurm Loco.

Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: I hate to crush a young robot's dream, but what the heck. This robot only has one expansion slot, and it holds his memory card. This robot will never bend.
Bender: You can't tell me what my son can and cannot do! You may know what's in his head, but not what's in his heart.
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: [Looks in Ben's chest cavity] No expansion slot in there either.
Bender: I said shut up!


"Futurama: Where the Buggalo Roam (#4.6)" (2002)
Fry: [At a buggalo barbecue on Mars] Give me a thorax and some feelers.
Leo Wong: Would you like salad with that?
Fry: Yuck!

Turanga Leela: Okay, my turn to tell a ghost story. Once, there was this woman driving...
Fry: Hook on the hand!
Lt. Kif Kroker: Okay, I've got one. This family...
Fry: Man in the attic!
Turanga Leela: Fine, Mister Know-It-All-About-Something-Finally. You tell a story.
Fry: With pleasure. Once, not far from here, four people set out on a cattle drive...
Bender: Robot gets bored and kills Fry with a hammer! I'm sorry. Go on.


"Futurama: Kif Gets Knocked Up a Notch (#5.5)" (2003)
Leela: Well, there goes my DNA. What a disgusting yet beautiful process.
Fry: Well, that's birth for you.

[at Kif's baby shower]
Fry: Hello everyone! Everybody we invited is here.
Dr. Zoidberg: Also Zoidberg!


"Futurama: Obsoletely Fabulous (#5.14)" (2003)
Speaker: Presenting the woman who "Mom"-opolizes the robot industry...
Fry: I get it!
Speaker: MOM!
Fry: Ohhh, now I get it!

Professor Ogden Wernstrom: Ladies and gentlemen, my killbot has Lotus Notes and a machine gun. It is the finest available.
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Like fun it is, you glass-headed wallaby!
Professor Ogden Wernstrom: No one calls me that! I'm having at you!
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Wernstrom!
[They fight]
Farnsworth Killbot: Such senseless violence.
Wernstrom Killbot: Come on, let's go for a paddle-boat ride.


"Futurama: Zapp Dingbat (#7.5)" (2012)
Philip J. Fry: Are you sure you won't go to your mother's wedding? There'll be fish or steak circle one.


"Futurama: The Inhuman Torch (#7.18)" (2013)
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: We can't have an arsonist in our midst! We can have four idiots and a fat guy, but no arsonists!


"Futurama: Three Hundred Big Boys (#5.11)" (2003)
Bender: You seem a tad wound up, buddy. And your face is greasy. Real greasy. You been up all night?
Fry: Of course I've been up all night! Not because of caffeine, it was insomnia. I couldn't stop thinking about coffee. I need a nap.
[snores]
Fry: [wakes up] Coffee time!
Bender: [Gets cigar out] Ah, mighty fine smokable...
Fry: Fancy cigar. Why don't you smoke it already? Puff, puff, go, go, go, go, go!


"Futurama: Meanwhile (#7.26)" (2013)
Philip J. Fry: I want this diamond right here.
Ultra Guy: Classy choice, Chief. She'll crap her pants.


"Futurama: Near-Death Wish (#7.10)" (2012)
Philip J. Fry: Hey, why are they hooked up like that? Is it some kind of Craftmatic Adjustable Death Bed?
Turanga Leela: Ah, ho ho, don't be rediculous. Their bodies are being used to generate electricity. The idea came from an old movie called 'The Matrix'.
Bender: But-but - wouldn't almost anything make a better battery than a human body? Like a potato? Or a battery?
Philip J. Fry: Plus, no matter how much energy they produce, it would take more energy than that to keep them alive.
Turanga Leela: I know, I know - it sounds absurd. In fact, when 'The Matrix' first came out, it seemed like the single crummiest, laziest, most awful dim-witted idea in the entire history of science fiction. But it turned out to be true.
Philip J. Fry: Who knew.
Bender: Good work, writer of 'The Matrix'.


"Futurama: The Prisoner of Benda (#6.10)" (2010)
Philip J. Fry: So Leela's all crotchety because she thinks I don't like her in the Professor's disgusting body.
Hermes Conrad: You do, don't you?
Philip J. Fry: Of course, but I was willing to lie about it. What more can a man do?
Hermes Conrad: You could switch your mind into a gross, disgusting body, give her a toke of her own medicine.
Philip J. Fry: Of course! But it would have to be a really disgusting body.
Dr. Zoidberg: Friends, look! I have barnacles in my tuckus.
Hermes Conrad: The long search is over.


"Futurama: Brannigan, Begin Again (#2.6)" (1999)
Fry: DOOP? What's that?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: It's like the United Nations from your time, Fry.
Fry: Huh?
Hermes Conrad: Or like the Federation in your Star Trek show.
Fry: Oh, I see.


"Futurama: Naturama (#7.13)" (2012)
Philip J. Fry: [as Hubert and Mom mate] Um, should we be watching this? It seems kind of personal.
Bender: That's not an issue for us, we're wildlife.
[Hubert starts moaning loudly]
Philip J. Fry: What about the moaning? Is it okay to listen?
Turanga Leela: Sure, but act like it's no big deal. Just pretend you're eating seeds.
Philip J. Fry: Is it weird if I talk about his crazy turtle penis?
Bender: No.


"Futurama: That's Lobstertainment! (#3.8)" (2001)
Philip J. Fry: Well, we missed the premiere, and we're gonna die. Might as well enjoy the sights.
[a Neanderthal skeleton floats past the window]
Philip J. Fry: Oh, my God! Sylvester Stallone!


"Futurama: Stench and Stenchibility (#7.25)" (2013)
Philip J. Fry: Zoidberg, what is that?
Dr. Zoidberg: That is the delightful creature I've been video-dating for the last four years.
Bender: Hit it with a stick!


"Futurama: Bender Gets Made (#2.17)" (2000)
Philip J. Fry: It's funny, Bender. With you sick and Leela blind, only I know what really went on out there. Maybe someday I'll tell you the whole story.
Bender: And maybe someday I won't listen.


Futurama (2003) (VG)
Philip J. Fry: Oh, Professor! Here's the hammer I died getting for you.
Professor Farnsworth: Er, Wha? Oh, you can keep that piece of junk! I only made you look for it to get you out of my metaphorical hair!


"Futurama: 31st Century Fox (#7.12)" (2012)
Turanga Leela: I'll hold the ice-cream, while you jump over the fence.
[Fry and Bender jump the fence, Leela follows]
Philip J. Fry: Where's the ice-cream?
Turanga Leela: [Mouth full of ice-cream] There was a bear.


"Futurama: The Six Million Dollar Mon (#7.7)" (2012)
Philip J. Fry: Oh no, the firing tie!
Hermes Conrad: Correct! I will be evaluating each of you, and the lowest rated employee - possibly Zoidberg - will be fired at sundown! Zoidberg.
Dr. Zoidberg: Ha! Ha! Ha! Classic Hermes.
Hermes Conrad: Let the interviews begin! Good luck everyone but Zoidberg.


"Futurama: Overclockwise (#6.25)" (2011)
Philip J. Fry: Hello? Is anyone in here?
Bender: Fry?
Philip J. Fry: Bender? Are you in here?
Bender: In here is the only place I'm not. Mwa-ha-ha-ha! Mwa-ha-ha-ha! I amuse myself.


"Futurama: Free Will Hunting (#7.9)" (2012)
Professor Hubert J. Farnsworth: A robot free will unit? Impossible! And even if it were possible, which it's not, it would still be inconceivable. Which it is!