Hermes Conrad
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Quotes for
Hermes Conrad (Character)
from "Futurama" (1999)

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"Futurama: How Hermes Requisitioned His Groove Back (#2.14)" (2000)
Hermes Conrad: Requisition me a beat.

Hermes Conrad: [a letter comes in on the mail tube] Great gorilla of Manilla! A letter from the Central Bureaucracy.
[Reads letter]
Hermes Conrad: "Attention, Hermes Conrad. You are about to receive a letter from the Central Bureaucracy."
[Another letter comes in]
Hermes Conrad: [Shocked] Oh, my God! It's from the Central Bureaucracy!

Hermes Conrad: Sweet someting of... someplace.

Hermes Conrad: Ah, the last form of the day. Welcome to Stampytown. Population: five.
[stamps form five times]
Hermes Conrad: And now for the finishing touch.
[shreds forms; they are recycled into new forms and placed in the inbox]
Hermes Conrad: Ah, the circle of bureaucracy.

Hermes Conrad: [throwing mail tubes into various cubbies]
Dr. Zoidberg: [singing] They said that I shouldn't be a surgeon !
Dr. Zoidberg: [singing] They po-po'd my Electric Frankfurter!
Leela: [singing] They said I shouldn't fly with just one eye!
[She gets hit in the eye with a mail tube]
Bender: [slow and lackluster] I am Bender please insert girder.

Hermes Conrad: Not so fast! While I was filing, I came upon a certain document filed by a certain Morgan Proctor. Form B, notification of romantic entanglement.
Fry: That's right, she fraternized me!
Morgan Proctor: That form wasn't about you. It refers to my high school prom date. It was a regulation date that ended in regulation disappointment.
Hermes Conrad: Yes, but you only stamped it four times.
[All gasp]
Morgan Proctor: No! No! I was young and reckless!

[singing about bureaucracy]
LaBarbara Conrad: But something changed when my man turned pro.
Hermes Conrad: I was sortin' but I wasn't smilin'.
LaBarbara Conrad: He forgot that it's not about badges and ranks.
Hermes Conrad: [punning] It's supposed to be about da filin'! People!

"Futurama: Möbius Dick (#6.21)" (2011)
Hermes Conrad: Zoidberg was popular?
Amy Wong: Zoidberg had hair?
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: I never said he had hair! If you chose to imagine him that way, that's your business!

Turanga Leela: [after they enter the Bermuda Tetrahedron] See? It was no big thing.
[the ship is shaken by an impact]
Hermes Conrad: What was that big thing?

Turanga Leela: Need I remind you, Hermes, that in space, the captain's word is law? I could marry you and Bender against your will if I wanted to.
Hermes Conrad: [Gasps] You wouldn't dare!
Bender: I've been married to worse.

Turanga Leela: Where are we?
Hermes Conrad: Inside the belly of the beast.
Philip J. Fry: Like that Bible guy who got swallowed by a whale... Pinocchio!

Hermes Conrad: Zoidberg had friends?
Dr. Zoidberg: It was a different time.

[as the ship is being pulled into the fourth dimesion]
Hermes Conrad: I can see sideways in time! Emit ni syawedis ees nac I!
Amy Wong: Gee, I see CGI! IGC ees I eeg!
Philip J. Fry: Heh heh! Poop! Poop! Heh heh!
Bender: Aw, yeah!
[sees a conga line of Benders]
Bender: Bender, Bender, Bender! Bender, Bender, Bender! Bender, Bender, Bender!
[as they emerge out of the fourth dimension, the other Benders collapse back into the original]
Bender: Aw, that was the greatest endless bunch of mes I ever met.

Futurama: Bender's Big Score (2007) (V)
Hermes Conrad: And that's why they call me 11-inch Conrad.

[everyone is huddled in a giant rock igloo on Neptune after the scammer aliens have taken over the Earth]
Bender: Rrrrr... it's so cold, my processor is running at peak efficiency!
Leela: What are you, a whining machine? If you want to worry about something, worry about the Yetis.
Zoidberg: Jedis?
[a chorus of howling Yetis is heard from a distance]
Zoidberg: Oh... YETIS!
Professor Farnsworth: Amy - you speak Yeti - what are they saying?
Amy Wong: I'm not sure, but it sounds like something to do with... assaulting the interlopers!
[a trio of giant Yetis smashes through the side of the rock igloo; everyone screams and scatters while Leela runs towards them]
Leela: Yeee-ah! Don't mess with me you ice-crapping snow honkys. I just got dumped!
[the Yetis flee in terror as Leela chases after them with a primitive spear]
Hermes Conrad: Sweet Yeti of the Serengeti! She's gone crazy Eddie in the heady!

[Hermes realizes that Zoidberg attached his head to his body backwards]
Hermes Conrad: You incompetent crab!
Zoidberg: I thought you were happy. Your tail is wagging.

Hermes Conrad: Kiss my front-butt!

Professor Farnsworth: If Hermes were here, he'd fire you all!
Hermes Conrad: I am here.
Professor Farnsworth: Quiet, you!

Hermes Conrad: Without my body, I'm a nobody!

"Futurama: Raging Bender (#2.12)" (2000)
[Hermes is under the control of a brain slug, which is attached to his head]
Hermes Conrad: On to new business. Today's mission is for all of you to go to the brain slug planet.
Dr. Zoidberg: What are we going to do there?
Hermes Conrad: Just walk around not wearing a helmet.

[Hermes is under the control of a brain slug, which is attached to his head]
Hermes Conrad: On to new business. Today's mission is to go to the brain slug planet.
Dr. Zoidberg: What are we going to do there?
Hermes Conrad: Nothing. Just walk around not wearing a helmet.

Amy Wong: So how was the Spleef Nebula?
Hermes Conrad: [With brain slug on head, speaking in monotone] The flight had a stopover at the Brain Slug Planet. Hermes liked is so much he decided to stay of his own free will.
Fry: Hermes has all the fun. Wait a second! He has a brain slug on his head!
Leela: Shh! You're gonna get us all assimilated!
Amy Wong: Just act normal and switch to a garlic shampoo.

Bender: Fry, throw in the towel! For God's sake, Fry!
[Fry turns around, a brain slug on his head]
Fry: Uhhh...
Hermes Conrad: [still with brain slug] That's exactly what I was thinking.

Hermes Conrad: [Bender accidentally knocks the brain slug off his head] Thank God I'm free of that nightmare!
Bender: Sorry, buddy. Here you go.
[Puts brain slug back]
Hermes Conrad: [Monotone] Thank you. It was cold down there on the floor.

"Futurama: The Deep South (#2.16)" (2000)
[Dr. Zoidberg's underwater home has burned down]
Dr. Zoidberg: My home! It burned down! How did this happened?
Hermes Conrad: That's a very good question.
Bender: [picking a lit cigar from the ashes] So that's where my cigar was.
Hermes Conrad: That just raises further questions!

Hermes Conrad: My Manwich!

Hermes Conrad: Exciting news, people. The pet license I requisitioned for Nibbler has arrived.
Leela: Hermes, that's sweet. I didn't know you cared about Nibbler.
Hermes Conrad: Dream on, woman. I'd like to put the little bastard in a sack and toss the sack in a river and hurl the river into space. But I do like filling out requisitions, and these were some doozies.
[Opens envelope]
Hermes Conrad: Great Jah's dreadlocks! There's been a mix-up. This isn't a pet license, it's a fishing license. And it's mandatory!

Hermes Conrad: I'd love to stay, but I miss my wife and oxygen.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Yes, we all miss our loved ones and gasses.

Hermes Conrad: Our first order of business is lunch. I suggest we start with some lobster Zoidberg... I mean, lobster Newburg... I mean, Doctor Zoidberg.

"Futurama: Parasites Lost (#3.4)" (2001)
Hermes Conrad: [Cruising around Fry's muscles] Soon he'll be stronger and more flexible than Hercules and Gumby combined!
Dr. Zoidberg: Gumbercules? I love that guy!

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: If we can stimulate that nerve, the bowel will convulse, expelling the entire worm society.
Hermes Conrad: But what about the worms in the other parts of his body?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Listen, this is going to be one hell of a bowel movement. Afterwards he'll be lucky if he has any bones left.

Hermes Conrad: We gotta get someplace where he can't put his finger.
Bender: It's hopeless! Abandon ship!

Amy Wong: Look! They're jazzercising Fry's muscles.
Hermes Conrad: He'll be as strong and flexible as Gumby and Hercules combined.
Dr. Zoidberg: Gumbercules? I love that guy!

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: If we don't get rid of the worms now, they'll burrow so deep in the bowel that not even Hermes' famous jerk prunes couldn't dislodge them.
Hermes Conrad: I call it Caribbean drain-o.

"Futurama: Time Keeps on Slipping (#3.14)" (2001)
[after Fry looses basketball game to invading Harlem Globetrotters]
Leela: I dont know how you did it, Fry, but once again you screwed up. Now every galaxy is gonna be cracking wise about our mamas.
[Hermes hangs his head in shame]
Hermes Conrad: I'm just glad my fat ugly mama is not alive to see this.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Enough about your promiscuous mother, Hermes.

[time skipped forward through Fry and Leela's wedding, then divorce, and Fry is wondering how he got Leela to marry him]
Hermes Conrad: Maybe you're just a first-class lover, Fry.
Amy Wong: [quietly, to herself] No...

Hermes Conrad: Sir, I'm no physicist, but I think I know how to stop the skipping. We'll just...
[time skips; Hermes is playing steel drums while the others are on a conga line naked]
Hermes Conrad: I don't know how this was supposed to work.

[after Fry loses basketball game to invading Harlem Globetrotters]
Leela: Way to go, Fry. Now every galaxy is gonna be cracking wise about our mothers.
[Hermes hangs his head in shame]
Hermes Conrad: I'm just glad my fat ugly mother is not alive to see this.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Enough about your promiscuous mother, Hermes.

"Futurama: Lethal Inspection (#6.6)" (2010)
Bender: Looks like things are looking up.
Hermes Conrad: [Seeing incoming missles] Look up!

Hermes Conrad: Don't shoot 'till you see the green of their eyes. It saves on bullets.

Turanga Leela: You can't just go to the Central Bureaucracy. Bureaucrats are officious little pencil pushers who blend into the walls.
Hermes Conrad: [Wearing a shirt that matches the wall] I beg to differ.
Bender: Stinking bureaucrats. I hate 'em!
Turanga Leela: Of course, you could get a seasoned bureaucrat to guide you.
Bender: Hermes, old buddy!
Hermes Conrad: Old buddy? 8.4 seconds ago you hated me.
Bender: Time heals all wounds.
Hermes Conrad: All right, I'll help you, but only to show you that we're not pencil pushers.
Amy Wong: Are you taking your pocket filing cabinet?
Hermes Conrad: None of your beeswax.

Hermes Conrad: Forget it, Bender. He's obviously long gone.
Bender: [Pointing to iguana] Oh, yeah? Maybe that's him in a costume.
[Picks up iguana]
Bender: Come out of there, or I'll squeeze you out like Tijuana toothpaste.

"Futurama: Insane in the Mainframe (#3.12)" (2001)
Fry: [Fry thinks he's a robot ] Fear not: I shall assist ye.
Hermes Conrad: Robots don't say "ye"!
Fry: Relax, mammal. My robotic software shall meet your calculatory needs. What is the meaning of this symbol?
Hermes Conrad: That's a plus sign, ya pointy-haired loony! Quit thinking you're a robot!
Fry: I'll show ye!

Hermes Conrad: Fry, don't be a hero. It's not covered by the health plan.

Hermes Conrad: I will now read the mandatory speech. "Dear employee: Has it really been five, ten, or fifteen years? If not, please disregard this and get back to work. Distribute token of apreciation and applaud."
Dr. Zoidberg: Look, coupons! I can get two oil changes for the price of one. Now if I could only afford the one. And the car. Ah, the years! So many memories, so many strange fluids gushing out of patients' bodies.
Hermes Conrad: Yes, yes. Now here's your pension statement. It's empty because you haven't paid into it, you dumb stinkbug!
Dr. Zoidberg: You kept track of it all these years!

Hermes Conrad: Poor Fry. He's got the munchies for freedom.

"Futurama: I Second That Emotion (#2.5)" (1999)
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Now I'll simply tune it to Leela's emotional frequency.
[Professor Farnsworth adjusts the empathy chip]
Bender: My God. I'm overcome with feelings. I'm experiencing a powerful yearning to... to cram my gullet full of mackerel heads.
Dr. Zoidberg: That's me, baby.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Hmmm.
[Professor Farnsworth readjusts the chip]
Bender: Now I'm worried I'm not as smart as Leela, but at the same time, I feel relieved I'm cuter than her.
Amy Wong: Uuh, that's me.
Fry: [Whispering to Amy] Thanks for covering.
Bender: This time, I miss Nibbler, and I'm feeling nosy and opinionated.
Amy Wong: Bingo.
Hermes Conrad: That's Leela.

Hermes Conrad: Aw, he's holding a spoon.
Dr. Zoidberg: He's *so* talented!

Hermes Conrad: [gasps] Now he's wearing a hat!

Dr. Zoidberg, Amy Wong, Hermes Conrad, Leela, Professor Hubert Farnsworth: [singing] What is today?/ It's Nibbler's birthday/ What a day for a birthday/ Let's all have some cake.
Fry: And you smell like one too!

"Futurama: Ghost in the Machines (#6.16)" (2011)
Hermes Conrad: As you can see, since Bender's death, request to bite one's shiny metal ass are down 98%.
[Scruffy comes in vacuuming]
Hermes Conrad: Do you mind doing that later?
Scruffy: Bite my shiny, metal ass.

Dr. Zoidberg: Hey, look.
Dr. Zoidberg: A fog is rolling in.
Hermes Conrad: No, that's just the Jamaican pride float.
Amy Wong: Looks like it's speeding up.
Hermes Conrad: Oh, no! It's within munching distance of the Doritos float!

[first lines]
Hermes Conrad: Listen up people. As long as nothing happens for the next 15 minutes, our insurance will be reinstated. So, let's just sit quietly and run out the clock.
[sits down]
Hermes Conrad: [brief pause while the group sits quietly]
Amy Wong: [stands, screams in terror, and points] A giant sausage!
[All yell in terror]
Hermes Conrad: [gets up and flails arms] Oh, God, no! Get out of here you horrific sausage!
Turanga Leela: Wait! Isn't today the parade? It's just a giant balloon.
Philip J. Fry: Giant balloon?
[grips chair and screams in terror]

Philip J. Fry: I miss him so much.
[speaking of Bender, who is dead]
Hermes Conrad: There, there, Fry. He may be gone, but he'll always be with us as a trashcan.
[unscrewing Bender's head, placing it on the floor, and using it as a trashcan]

"Futurama: The Route of All Evil (#5.3)" (2002)
Dr. Zoidberg: What is this? Angry shouting or hearing-aid-busted shouting?
Hermes Conrad: I'm afraid it's both.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: [shouting] What?

Hermes Conrad: [angrily] You rotten kids!
Hermes Conrad: Uh, will you be hiring?
Dwight Conrad: No.
Hermes Conrad: [angrily] You rotten kids!

Dwight Conrad: Can I use the gun?
Hermes Conrad: What kind of father would I be if I said no?

Hermes Conrad: Sweet guinea pig of Winnipeg!

"Futurama: Mother's Day (#2.19)" (2000)
Hermes Conrad: Help! My stapler is collating me alive!

Amy Wong: But the professor can't walk all the way to the Bronx. How are we going to get there without a hovercar?
Philip J. Fry: Wait. In my time we had a way of moving objects long distances without hovering.
Hermes Conrad: Impossible!
Philip J. Fry: It was called... let me think... It was really famous. Ruth Gordon had one... The wheel.
Turanga Leela: Never heard of it.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Show us this "the wheel."

Philip J. Fry: What happens if the fire goes out?
Hermes Conrad: We'll go across the street to Pottery Barn and steal their fire.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: We can use my new invention. A pointy rock tied to a stick.

Hermes Conrad: Without machines, who will feed us and clothe us and compose our smooth jazz?

"Futurama: The Farnsworth Parabox (#5.10)" (2003)
Hermes Conrad: Sweet honey bee of infinity!

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Hermes! Don't press that button!
Hermes Conrad: [short pause] Okay!

Hermes Conrad: Like my grammy always said, if you want a box hurled into the sun, you got to do it yourself. God rest her zombie bones.

"Futurama: The Honking (#3.1)" (2000)
Bender: No doubt about it. This place must be haunted.
Hermes Conrad: Don't be silly, mon. The last ghost died over 200 years ago.
Bender: The last *human* ghost. But robot ghosts... Ooooh!

Hermes Conrad: And for Bender... Uh-oh. A black-bordered envelope.
Amy Wong: Oh, no! Someone you know must have died.
Bender: I hope it was one of my enemies. Those guys suck.

Hermes Conrad: Bender, mon, no one's trying to run you over. Stop being a big, hallucinating baby.
Bender: Yeah? Could a big, hallucinating baby do this?... Waah-ha-ha! I'm scared!

"Futurama: Bender Should Not Be Allowed on TV (#5.15)" (2003)
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Those ruffians smoked one of your cigars.
Hermes Conrad: That's not a cigar... and it's not mine.

Hermes Conrad: There's enough cool stuff here to furnish a happening pad. Where did it all come from?
Tinny Tim: Don't tell, comrades. All for one and one for all.
Dwight Conrad: We stole it!
Tinny Tim: Oh, crumb.

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: There'll be no further nasty! We still have the option of resorting to violence.
Hermes Conrad: What makes you think that'll work?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: I saw it on TV in that episode where Bender shot Calculon. How cool is that?

"Futurama: Anthology of Interest I (#2.20)" (2000)
Hermes Conrad: [worried] What are you hacking off? Is it my torso? IT IS! MY PRECIOUS TORSO!

Hermes Conrad: We're jerked! Nothing can stop a monster that big.
Professor Farnsworth: Nothing except an even more equally big monster.

Hermes Conrad: Come on, woman. Pick something.
Fry: Yeah, be more impulsive, like this.
[Pours milk and cereal on his head, starts eating it]
Bender: Go, man, go!

"Futurama: Xmas Story (#2.8)" (1999)
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: [addressing Hermes] You should be ashamed of yourself, Fry. You'd have to be blind not to notice Leela's a Cyclops.
Hermes Conrad: Frys over the there, Mon!
[Points in Fry's direction]
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Oh!

Dr. Zoidberg: You, a bobsledder? This I gotta see.
Hermes Conrad: Listen, you filthy crab. A thousand years ago there was a legendary team of Jamaican bobsledders.
Fry: Yup, I remember. They came last in the Olympics, then retired to promote alcoholic beverages.
Hermes Conrad: A true inspiration for the children.

Amy Wong: He knows when you are sleeping.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: He knows when you're on the can.
Leela: He'll hunt you down and blast your ass / From here to Pakistan.
Dr. Zoidberg: Oh...
Hermes Conrad: You better not breathe / You better not move
Bender: You're better off dead, / I'm tellin' you, dude.
Fry: Santa Claus is gunning you down!

"Futurama: The Day the Earth Stood Stupid (#3.7)" (2001)
[everyone on Earth except Fry is moronically stupid]
Fry: What are we going to do?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Duh, I know, let's play the lottery.
Amy Wong: No, let's buy internet stock.
Dr. Zoidberg: On margin. Zoidbee wants to buy on margin.
Hermes Conrad: [holding a board in front of his face] Look at me. I'm invisible.
Fry: Wait a minute, I know what's going on here. You've all become idiots.
Bender: Hey, let's all join the Reform party.
Everyone: Yeah.

Hermes Conrad: This is mighty strange. First the civilization of Space Rome collapsed, then Don Martin 3 went kerflooie, and now Tweenis 12.
Fry: Looks like this planet is next in line.
Leela: That's Earth.
[Fry just stares at her]
Leela: The planet we live on?
Fry: I'd hate to be those guys.

[Everyone on Earth except Fry is moronically stupid]
Fry: What are we going to do?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Duh, I know, let's play the lottery.
Amy Wong: No, let's buy internet stock.
Dr. Zoidberg: On margin. Zoidbee wants to buy on margin.
Hermes Conrad: [holding a board in front of his face] Look at me. I'm invisible.
Fry: Wait a minute, I know what's going on here. You've all become idiots.
Bender: Hey, let's go join the Reform party.
Everyone: Yeah.

"Futurama: Leela's Homeworld (#4.5)" (2002)
Hermes Conrad: It looks like toxic waste. And it smells like toxic waste.
Fry: What does it taste like?
Hermes Conrad: Delicious fig pudding. Oh, that's good. But a distinct aftertaste of toxic waste.

Hermes Conrad: I order you to dispose of that toxic waste properly or bribe me. Either way, it'll cost you $500.
Bender: 500 real dollars? That's an outrage! Professor, I can take care of that waste for only $499 and one hundred cents.
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Hmm, I know that's a rip, but I'll pay for the convenience.

"Futurama: Three Hundred Big Boys (#5.11)" (2003)
Hermes Conrad: Dwight, the boots only cost me 299 dollars and 99 cents. Here, you spend the penny on whatever you want.
Dwight Conrad: Thanks, dad. I think I'll invest it on five shares of
Hermes Conrad: A risk taker. That's my boy.

Hermes Conrad: With a warning label this big, you know it has to be fun.

"Futurama: Neutopia (#6.14)" (2011)
Hermes Conrad: I've found a loophole. It says here that we can renew the mortgage for the building by actually paying it. All we need is... eleven million dollars.
Bender: Aaand boned.

Hermes Conrad: Mmm, you're cooking me back fat bacon.
LaBarbara Conrad: That's not back fat bacon! That's your back fat bakin'!

"Futurama: The Prisoner of Benda (#6.10)" (2010)
Philip J. Fry: So Leela's all crotchety because she thinks I don't like her in the Professor's disgusting body.
Hermes Conrad: You do, don't you?
Philip J. Fry: Of course, but I was willing to lie about it. What more can a man do?
Hermes Conrad: You could switch your mind into a gross, disgusting body, give her a toke of her own medicine.
Philip J. Fry: Of course! But it would have to be a really disgusting body.
Dr. Zoidberg: Friends, look! I have barnacles in my tuckus.
Hermes Conrad: The long search is over.

Hermes Conrad: [Watching Amy eat in Leela's body, which is now obese] Sweet orca of Majorca! You make Fat Albert look like Regular Albert!
Amy Wong: I know! But I can't help myself.
Hermes Conrad: Here, put your mind in my body.
Amy Wong: No! I'll ruin your body too!
Hermes Conrad: Three decades of the munchies beat you to it.

"Futurama: The Mutants Are Revolting (#6.12)" (2010)
Philip J. Fry: Poor Leela. I feel like I ruined her life.
Hermes Conrad: You did ruin her life!
Philip J. Fry: You might be right, Hermes.
Hermes Conrad: I am right!
Philip J. Fry: I almost feel like we should do something.
Hermes Conrad: We should do something!
Philip J. Fry: I don't care what you say, Hermes! Let's go!

Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: The original passenger manifests.
Hermes Conrad: Spreadsheets were so elegant back then.

"Futurama: A Clone of My Own (#2.15)" (2000)
Hermes Conrad: Up yours, Zoidberg! Up wherever your species traditionally crams things.

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Good news, everyone. Tomorrow, you'll all be making a delivery to Ebola 9, the virus planet.
Hermes: Why can't they go today?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Because tonight's a special night and I want you all to be alive. It's the Academy of Inventors annual symposium.
Fry: Wow, I love symposia!
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: It's the scientific event of the season. Every member presents an invention. The best one wins the Academy prize.
Bender: Sounds boring.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Oh my, yes.

"Futurama: Proposition Infinity (#6.4)" (2010)
Dr. Zoidberg: [while inspecting Amy's engagement ring from Bender] Such a stone! Is it real?
[Amy carves a circle in Zoidberg's shell]
Dr. Zoidberg: Hooray!
Professor Farnsworth: Hooray denied! Need I remind you that robosexual marriage is illegal?
Turanga Leela: Not in Space Massachusetts.
Bender: You mean Space Tax-achusetts? No chance, judge-pants! We're gonna fight to legalize it right here!
Hermes Conrad: Ya mon! Ya got to legalize it!
Amy Wong: We're talking about robosexual marriage.
Hermes Conrad: We're talking about lots of stuff.

[Getting ready to capture a tornado]
Turanga Leela: Is everybody in position?
Amy Wong: What?
Dr. Zoidberg: is someone talking?
Turanga Leela: Okay, good. On three. One...
Hermes Conrad: What did she say?
Turanga Leela: Two...
Bender: Wait! I'm not in position!
Turanga Leela: Three!
Dr. Zoidberg: I'm ready for the countdown!
Turanga Leela: I'm not hearing anyone! Abort mission!
Philip J. Fry: She said go!

Futurama: Into the Wild Green Yonder (2009) (V)
Hermes Conrad: Bender, are you crazy?
Bender: Nooo, it's Fry who's crazy in this one!

LaBarbara Conrad: Sweet she-cattle of Seattle!
Hermes Conrad: Not your strong suit woman!

"Futurama: Crimes of the Hot (#5.1)" (2002)
Leela: Bender, a turtle isn't yourself. Why do you care about it?
Bender: Because I also care deeply about things that remind me of myself, like poor little Shelly here.
Hermes Conrad: What could you possibly have in common with that walking soup mix?
Bender: For one thing, we both have a tough outer shell but live a rich inner life. And also... well, you know.
Leela: You're both alcoholic, whore-mongering, chain-smoking gamblers?
Bender: No, it's just... neither of us can get up when we get knocked on our back.
Fry: What? I've seen you get up off your back tons of times.
Bender: Those times I was slightly on my side.

Hermes Conrad: Strange, you haven't acted this suspicious since I found those "ape bones" in the basement.

"Futurama: The Cryonic Woman (#3.3)" (2000)
Hermes Conrad: Dating your ex Fry? Have you lost all self respect?
Fry: All what?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: This can only end badly Fry. Kids, a house...
Bender: A home invasion by a former room-mate.
Fry: But things are different this time. Before she was demanding and possessive. But now she wants me to do stuff and stay with her all the time!

Leela: Please, Professor... give us our jobs back. We deserve another chance.
Bender: Yeah. And if you won't give me another chance perhaps you'd give one to...
[Puts on the gorilla mask]
Bender: Og. Gorilla Emperor of Earth.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Sorry, Og. But I've got a new crew.
[to Hermes, Amy and Zoidberg, who are coming out of the ship]
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: So, how was your delivery to Fantasy Planet where everyone's fantasies come to life?
Amy Wong: Great.
Hermes Conrad: Organized.
Dr. Zoidberg: For one beautiful night I knew what it was to be a grandmother. Subjugated, yet honored.

"Futurama: The Luck of the Fryrish (#3.10)" (2001)
[At the horse races]
Hermes Conrad: Come on, baby needs a new pair of shoes.
Dr. Zoidberg: The hell with your spoiled baby. I need those shoes.

[Leela and Hermes are at a concession stand at the track]
Horse D'ourves Salesman: Get your piping hot horse burgers, horse fries, horse cakes and shakes. We got tongue, straight from the horse's mouth.
Leela: Hmmmmm.
Hermes Conrad: It all sounds good.
Horse D'ourves Salesman: All our horses are 100% horse-fed for that double-horse "juiced-in" goodness.
Leela: I'll have the cholesterol-free omelet with horse-beaters.
Horse D'ourves Salesman: And you, sir? How can I horse you?
Hermes Conrad: I'll have a horse Coke.
Horse D'ourves Salesman: Horse Pepsi okay?
Hermes Conrad: Neeeiiiggghh.

"Futurama: The Sting (#5.9)" (2003)
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: These bees are larger than most Buicks, and twice as ugly.
Fry: Larger than an American sedan? How big is the honeycomb?
Hermes Conrad: Honeycomb's big, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Bender: It's not small?
Hermes Conrad: No, no, no.

LaBarbara Conrad: Husband, can't you go anywhere without lighting something up?
Hermes Conrad: It's an old Jamaican accounting tradition. We burn his timecard. That way, his zombie doesn't come back looking for his final paycheck.

"Futurama: Benderama (#6.15)" (2011)
Amy Wong: Aaahh! A big, fat roach!
Hermes Conrad: What? I thought I put that away.

Hermes Conrad: Do ya wanna see a picture of my boy?
[holds out a picture]
Dr. Zoidberg: That's your penis.
Hermes Conrad: That's ma boy!

"Futurama: The Tip of the Zoidberg (#6.23)" (2011)
Hermes Conrad: I thought you were only going to take out one vertebrae.
Dr. Zoidberg: Yeah, but did you ever play Jenga? Sometimes you take out one and...
[imitates crashing]

Philip J. Fry: I consider myself a reasonable man - quick with a joke, slow to anger - but Bender can't go on long car trips anymore! I say we kill Dr. Zoidberg!
Hermes Conrad: People, let's be reasonable...
[falls apart]
Hermes Conrad: Death to the crab!

"Futurama: Future Stock (#4.9)" (2002)
Hermes Conrad: We can't compete with Mom! Her company is big and evil! Ours is small and neutral!
That Guy: Switzerland is small and neutral! We are more like Germany, ambitious and misunderstood!
Amy Wong: Look, everyone wants to be more like Germany, but do we really have the pure strength of will?

Hattie McDoogal: "Millionaires", nothing! The stock's only worth three kajiggers!
[the staff mumble]
Bender: Oh come on!
Hermes Conrad: My Jah! It's worth less now than when it was *worthless*!

"Futurama: Fry Am the Egg Man (#6.22)" (2011)
Professor Farnsworth: You're not my breakfast friends! What are you doing here?
Amy Wong: Leela is blackmailing us into eating healthy.
Professor Farnsworth: Blackmail? What does she have on you?
Hermes Conrad: As long as we eat her filthy scrambled eggs, you'll never find out.

"Futurama: I, Roommate (#1.3)" (1999)
Hermes Conrad: Our water consumption has tripled in the last month. I notice Fry has been here a month, so I'm appointing him head of a commitee to find who's responsible.

"Futurama: Fun on a Bun (#7.8)" (2012)
Hermes Conrad: Dear God! Look at those hairy elefantes!

"Futurama: War Is the H-Word (#3.2)" (2000)
[Fry and Bender are going off to war]
Hermes Conrad: I don't want you to worry about your jobs while you're away. That's why I'm firing you now.

"Futurama: All the Presidents' Heads (#6.20)" (2011)
Hermes Conrad: Well, it's 6 o'clock. I guess we'll have to deliver that human heart tomorrow.

"Futurama: Naturama (#7.13)" (2012)
Bender: [as elephant seal] Bite my freshly-molted, blubber-filled ass.
Hermes Conrad: You're just a lump of fat. Do you even have an ass under there?
Bender: I'm forty percent ass.

"Futurama: Law and Oracle (#6.17)" (2011)
[last lines]
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: I hereby promote you to executive delivery boy.
Philip J. Fry: Executive?
Hermes Conrad: [whispers to Leela] It's a meaningless title, but it helps insecure people feel better about themselves.
Philip J. Fry: [Matt Groening and David X. Cohen's executive producer credits fade in] I feel better about myself!

"Futurama: The Series Has Landed (#1.2)" (1999)
Hermes Conrad: Okay, captain, this is just a standard legal release, protecting Planet Express from lawsuits in the event of the unforeseen.
Leela: [reading] "Death by airlock failure... "
Hermes Conrad: Mm-hm.
Leela: "... death by brain parasite... "
Hermes Conrad: Yah.
Leela: "... death by sonic diarrhea... "
Hermes Conrad: Oho, you don't want that.
Leela: Look, I don't know about your previous captains, but I intend to do as little dying as possible.
Hermes Conrad: Ohohohohohohoho... Sign the paper.

"Futurama: Bender Gets Made (#2.17)" (2000)
Hermes Conrad: Is there any meat this man can't jerk?

"Futurama: Bendin' in the Wind (#3.13)" (2001)
Hermes Conrad: Kudos, Bender. You got mangled, and now you're a singer. Both our dreams came true.

"Futurama: The Lesser of Two Evils (#2.11)" (2000)
Hermes Conrad: Rage Dump!

Futurama: The Beast with a Billion Backs (2008) (V)
Professor Farnsworth: Now I've often said "good news" when sending you on a mission of extreme danger; so when I say this anomaly is dangerous, you can imagine how dangerous I really think it is.
Hermes Conrad: Not dangerous at all?
Professor Farnsworth: Actually, quite dangerous indeed.
Hermes Conrad: That is quite dangerous!
Professor Farnsworth: Indeed.

"Futurama: Less Than Hero (#5.6)" (2003)
Turanga Leela: I'm getting a one-day pass for my parents from city hall.
Hermes Conrad: While you're there, can you get me a license to kill?
Turanga Leela: Sure. Fire arms of bare hands?
Hermes Conrad: Which one does piano wire fall under?

"Futurama: A Bicyclops Built for Two (#2.13)" (2000)
Hermes Conrad: Get ready for fun, Fry. Nowadays, we have a type of game played entirely on video.
Leela: We call it a video game.
Fry: Uh, video game, you say? Well, golly gee. You mighty spacemen of the future will have to show me how it works.

"Futurama: When Aliens Attack (#2.3)" (1999)
Fry: Hey, quit it, Hermes. It's Labor Day.
Hermes Conrad: Labor Day? That phoney-baloney holiday crammed down our throats by fat-cat union gangsters?
Fry: That's the one.
Hermes Conrad: Hot damn! A day off!

"Futurama: A Taste of Freedom (#5.4)" (2002)
Fry: So what is Freedom Day? Sounds like some kind of feminine hygiene product.
Dr. Zoidberg: No. It's a fabulous, crabulous day!
Amy Wong: If you wanna do something, you do it, and to splick with the consequences.
Bender: You know, like how I live every day.
[trips up Hermes]
Hermes Conrad: Happy Freedom Day! Ow, I think I broke my wrist.

"Futurama: Attack of the Killer App (#6.3)" (2010)
Hermes Conrad: Play it one more time.
Prof. Hubert Farnsworth: No. It's humiliating and degrading to Leela. Play it ten more times.

"Futurama: Hell Is Other Robots (#1.9)" (1999)
Hermes Conrad: Our electrical bill is climbing higher than a green snake up a sugar cane. Obviously someone here has been using a whole heap of juice. Probably you.
[Points at Zoidberg]

"Futurama: The Late Philip J. Fry (#6.7)" (2010)
Dr. Zoidberg: The three co-workers I knew are now dead!
Turanga Leela: Fry stood me up to go to that party, and now he's dead? I'm so angry! Yet also sad. But I'm still angry, yet also sad! Can I be both?
Hermes Conrad: It's what we would have wanted.
Turanga Leela: Then that's what I am!
Turanga Leela: [Kicks TV] Hi-yah-wah-ha-ha!

"Futurama: Reincarnation (#6.26)" (2011)
Bender: Byte my 8-bit metal ass. That's byte with a Y.
Hermes Conrad: Whatever you say, mon.

"Futurama: The Duh-Vinci Code (#6.5)" (2010)
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: My God! This is the greatest mystery in history. We must go to Rome and exhume the body of Saint James.
Hermes Conrad: Didn't we used to be a delivery company?
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: To the ship!

"Futurama: In-A-Gadda-Da-Leela (#6.2)" (2010)
Hermes Conrad: So you're saying this thing is censoring planets?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Indeed. And we're next if we don't keep in in our collective pants. The only way to save Earth is to convince its citizens to repent their sinful ways.
Amy Wong: [Wearing S&M gear] So the orgy is off?

"Futurama: Teenage Mutant Leela's Hurdles (#5.7)" (2003)
Hermes Conrad: Are you back to your original age, professor?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Even older. Huzzah!

"Futurama: Love's Labours Lost in Space (#1.4)" (1999)
[Amy wants to take Leela out to cheer her up]
Amy Wong: Let's all take her out tonight. There's lots of great places to meet people.
Hermes Conrad: The Federal Sex Bureau.
Bender: A saucy puppet show.
Dr. Zoidberg: The rotting carcass of a whale.
Amy Wong: Mmmmm... I'll pick.

"Futurama: My Three Suns (#1.7)" (1999)
Hermes Conrad: Bender, it has come to my attention that this company has been paying you to do nothing but loaf around on the couch.
Bender: You call that a couch? I demand a pillow!

"Futurama: The Futurama Holiday Spectacular (#6.13)" (2010)
Hermes Conrad: Kwanzaa traditions are quite ancient, dating back over one thousand years.
Philip J. Fry: Whoa!
Zoidberg: If only someone could tell us more about these traditions.
Kwanzaa-bot: [breaks through the wall] Oh, yeah!
Dwight Conrad: Hey, Kool-Aid's here!
LaBarbara Conrad: No, child, that's not a made-up character. It's Kwanzaa-bot.
Kwanzaa-bot: And I'mma tell y'all how we celebrate Kwanzaa. Zoidberg, lay down a beat!
Zoidberg: How 'bout I just lay down?
Kwanzaa-bot: [rapping] The seven basic principles that go to make up Kwanzaa! So sit yo' asses down and have some knowledge dropped upons ya!
LaBarbara Conrad: Kujichagulia...
Barbados Slim, Bubblegum Tate: And umoja...
Hermes Conrad: And the rest.
Planet Express Crew: Now we get it!
Kwanzaa-bot: Sit back down! There's gonna be a test. My favorite's ujamaa.
Bubblegum Tate: Cooperative economics.
Kwanzaa-bot: [to Dwight] Yo, boondocks, I'm talkin' here! Put away the comics! Ku'umba is another one, it stands for creativity.
Barbados Slim: [to Zoidberg] Like the ever-changing nature of my sexual proclivities.
Kwanzaa-bot: I think there's one called "nia," but I don't speak Swahili, Sumthin' 'bout a pine tree and a oil-wrestlin' dealy?
Professor Farnsworth: That's from Xmas and Robanukah, you plagiarizing lout!
Kwanzaa-bot: Yeah, I'm kinda losin' interest here. I'd best be rollin' out. But before I go, the most important thing...
Dwight Conrad: What's that, Black Santa?
Kwanzaa-bot: You need seven Kwanzaa candles that you light up every night. But they best be made of beeswax or y'all might as well be white.

Futurama: Bender's Game (2008) (V)
Dwight Conrad: [after the Professor activates the crystal's 'high frequency stink'] Dude, who ripped an egger?
Cubert Farnsworth: [accusingly] He who smelt it, dealt it.
Dwight Conrad: Yeah? Well, he who denied it, supplied it!
Cubert Farnsworth: He who articulated it, particulated it!
Dwight Conrad: He who refuted it, tooted it!
Cubert Farnsworth: [after a slight pause] Stalemate.

"Futurama: The Six Million Dollar Mon (#7.7)" (2012)
Philip J. Fry: Oh no, the firing tie!
Hermes Conrad: Correct! I will be evaluating each of you, and the lowest rated employee - possibly Zoidberg - will be fired at sundown! Zoidberg.
Dr. Zoidberg: Ha! Ha! Ha! Classic Hermes.
Hermes Conrad: Let the interviews begin! Good luck everyone but Zoidberg.

"Futurama: Bendless Love (#3.6)" (2001)
Turanga Leela: [Picks up L-shaped piece of metal] This is a normal L-unit. Without it, space travel is but the fevered dream of a madman.
Philip J. Fry: Yep.
Bender: Of course.
Amy Wong: Doy!
Hermes Conrad: It's an important unit.
Turanga Leela: And this, my friends, is the L-unit just removed from the ship.
[Unveils a straightened piece of metal; all gasp]
Philip J. Fry: That doesn't look like an L at all. Unless you count lower-case.
Bender: You know we don't!
[Slaps Fry]
Turanga Leela: Whoever did this was strong. This is 340 pounds of Tonka tough steel.
Bender: [Picks up L-unit] Hmmm, it should look like this...
[Bends into L shape]
Bender: ... but instead it looks like this.
[Straightens it out again]
Philip J. Fry: Who would do such a thing?
Bender: Who *could* do such a thing? And by that I mean this.
[Bends L-unit back and forth]
Dr. Zoidberg: Well, gang, it looks like we have another mystery on our hands.

"Futurama: Rebirth (#6.1)" (2010)
Bender: Yeah, we're back.
[All cheer]
Hermes Conrad: Sweet coincidence of Port-Au-Prince! We're back on Earth!
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Of course! That was the Panama Wormhole, the universe's central transportation channel
Dr. Zoidberg: [Chuckles] How humorous.
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Yes, it's sort of a comedy central channel, and we're on it now.
Amy Wong: [after a pause] I get it!