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Quotes for
Bender (Character)
from "Futurama" (1999)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
Futurama: Bender's Big Score (2007) (V)
Bender: I support and oppose many things, but not strongly enough to pick up a pen.

[last lines]
Bender: Well, we're boned.

Bender: You know its funny...
Fry: What?
Bender: Your wiener! haha

[everyone is huddled in a giant rock igloo on Neptune after the scammer aliens have taken over the Earth]
Bender: Rrrrr... it's so cold, my processor is running at peak efficiency!
Leela: What are you, a whining machine? If you want to worry about something, worry about the Yetis.
Zoidberg: Jedis?
[a chorus of howling Yetis is heard from a distance]
Zoidberg: Oh... YETIS!
Professor Farnsworth: Amy - you speak Yeti - what are they saying?
Amy Wong: I'm not sure, but it sounds like something to do with... assaulting the interlopers!
[a trio of giant Yetis smashes through the side of the rock igloo; everyone screams and scatters while Leela runs towards them]
Leela: Yeee-ah! Don't mess with me you ice-crapping snow honkys. I just got dumped!
[the Yetis flee in terror as Leela chases after them with a primitive spear]
Hermes Conrad: Sweet Yeti of the Serengeti! She's gone crazy Eddie in the heady!

Bender: I don't tell you how to tell me what to do, so don't tell me how to do what you tell me to do.

Bender: Not so neutral now, are you, Sweden?

Professor Farnsworth: Yes? I see.
[hangs up phone]
Professor Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! Those asinine morons who canceled us were themselves fired for incompetence.
[the crew cheers]
Professor Farnsworth: And not just fired, but beaten up, too... and pretty badly.
[the crew cheers doubtfully]
Professor Farnsworth: In fact, most of them died from their injuries.
[the crew remains silent while Bender laughs evilly]
Professor Farnsworth: And then they were ground up into a fine pink powder.
Fry: Why?
Professor Farnsworth: Oh, it's got a million and one uses.
[Takes some Torgo's Powder and sprinkles it in his pants]
Professor Farnsworth: Aw, that soothes the fire.
Leela: [referring to both the numerous air conditioners and the admirers of Futurama] So what does this mean for us and our many fans?
Professor Farnsworth: It means we're back on the air!
[the crew is still silent]
Professor Farnsworth: Yes, flying on the air in our mighty spaceship!
[the crew cheers wildly]
Bender: We're back, baby!

[Bender's time paradox duplicate prepares to terminate Fry]
Bender: Hasta la vista, meatbag!

Nudar: You, Booger-Bot, read the code or I'll shoot this guy!
Bender: Who the hell is he?
Scruffy: I'm Scruffy... the janitor.
Bender: Hang on, Scruffy!

Leela: [Bender returns from time travel and steals... ] The Mona Lisa!
Bender: Sorry, it's not quite finished.
Shlump: Da Vinci give you any trouble?
Bender: Let's just say he might not make it to "The Last Supper".

Amy Wong: Ahh, don't blame yourself, Bender.
Bender: I don't blame myself. I blame all of you!
Amy Wong: Us? How could you possibly blame us?
Bender: It ain't easy. It just proves how great I am.

Bender: Here's your Guttenberg Bible, masters, plus the Colonel's secret recipe: "Chicken, grease, salt".

Bender: [Bender falls out of sky, get's up, looks around] Awww, I lost him, people will call me a failure.
Bender: [notices Fry in the upstairs window of Panucci's Pizza] Others however will call me the World's Sexiest Killing Machine, that's fun at parties.

Bender: Sweet photons. I don't know if you're waves or particles, but you go down smooth.

Fry: That's it. I don't see how things could get any worse
Bender: We could sing.
Professor Farnsworth: I'd rather kill myself.
Amy Wong: Why not do both?
Professor Farnsworth: Oh, very well.

Bender: [the Professor displays an equaution] What do ya got there, numbers?

Bender: [entering a cab, driven by Al Gore] Follow that guy. Ther's an extra hundred in it for you, if you follow him that close that you run him over.

Bender: I accept this Nobel Peace Prize not just for myself, but for crime robots everywhere. Skoal!

"Futurama: I Second That Emotion (#2.5)" (1999)
Bender: Hey! I got a busted ass here and I don't see anyone kissing *it*!
Dr. Zoidberg: All right, I'm coming!

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Now I'll simply tune it to Leela's emotional frequency.
[Professor Farnsworth adjusts the empathy chip]
Bender: My God. I'm overcome with feelings. I'm experiencing a powerful yearning to... to cram my gullet full of mackerel heads.
Dr. Zoidberg: That's me, baby.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Hmmm.
[Professor Farnsworth readjusts the chip]
Bender: Now I'm worried I'm not as smart as Leela, but at the same time, I feel relieved I'm cuter than her.
Amy Wong: Uuh, that's me.
Fry: [Whispering to Amy] Thanks for covering.
Bender: This time, I miss Nibbler, and I'm feeling nosy and opinionated.
Amy Wong: Bingo.
Hermes Conrad: That's Leela.

[Leela is about to be sacrificed]
Leela: I'm a virgin.
Vyolet: Nice try, Leela, but we've all seen Zapp Branagin's web page.
[Bender laughs and the empathy chip beeps]
Bender: Aw, I just made myself feel bad.

Dwayne: [giving a tour of the underground mutant city in the sewer] This is our library.
Bender: Nothing but crumpled porno and Ayn Rand.

Leela: How would you feel if I flushed Fry down the toilet?
Bender: Only one way to find out...

Bender: There. This'll teach those filthy bastards who's lovable.

Bender: Hey. What are you doing with my head?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: I need to tinker in it.
Bender: Why don't you just use a potted plant like Fry?

Leela: Are you all right?
Bender: Aw, it's nothing a lawsuit won't cure.

Bender: Listen to me, Leela. I'm an expert at not caring. The secret is to stop giving a rat's ass about anyone else and start thinking of the things that you want, that you deserve, that the world owes you.
Leela: Well, I could use a new tank top.
Bender: Bigger! Bigger!
Leela: A fashionable tank top, and fashionable boots... encrusted with jewels.
Bender: Don't stop now! You need pants to go with that outfit!
Leela: Yeah! And I could afford it all if I didn't have to feed that stupid Nibbler!
Bender: Bender is back! I'll save you, Nibbler!

Bender: Stupid can opener! You killed my father, and now you've come back for me!

Inglis Raoul: Welcome to our village. It may not be Paris, but it has a certain quaint charm that I, for one, wouldn't trade for the world.
Bender: You guys realize you live in a sewer, right?
Dwayne: Perhaps, but perhaps your civilization is merely the sewer of an even greater civilization above you!
Leela: No. We're on top.
Fry: Daylight and everything.
Dwayne: Oh.
Vyolet: It must be wonderful.
Bender: Eh.

Amy Wong: Bender, how could you flush Nibbler down the toilet?
Bender: Well, step one, I had to lift the lid. That was the first little annoyance. Am I right, men?

Bender: I'm at the end of my rope. I can't live another minute without poor, sweet Nibbler.
Fry: Too bad he's not an alligator. Y'know, when you flush those things, they stay alive in the sewers.
Bender: Really?
Fry: Yep. My friend's cousin's caseworker saw one once. It's a widely believed fact.

Bender: I'm so lonely. I'm gonna go eat a bucket of ice cream.
Fry: Spoon's in the foot powder.

Leela: [crying after Bender has flushed Nibbler down the toilet] You have no sympathy for anyone else's feelings.
Bender: Of course I do, right now I feel sorry for you.
Leela: You do?
Bender: Yeah, I mean one cantaloupe-sized bloodshot eye?, you ain't winning no beauty pageants, lady.
[Leela cries even harder]

Leela: Bender, I thought you were supposed to be cooking for this party
Bender: Fine, we'll have rack of Nibbler
Leela: Just make a simple cake, and this time if someone's going to jump out of it, make sure you put them in after you cook it.
Bender: So it's a cake you want, is it? I'll make you a cake you'll never forget!
[cuts to Bender laughing manically as he dumps some rat poison into a bowl]
Bender: [sets the bowl in front of a hole in the wall] That'll take care of those annoying rats, now to bake a cake so delicious they'll have no choice but to love and worship me!

Bender: [Leela's empathy chip is affecting Bender] Uh-oh jealousy!
[pointing at Fry]
Bender: You think you're so hot!
Fry: What?
Bender: The only reason you get all the guys is because you dress like a tramp!
[slaps him]
Fry: [crying] They're just responding to my personality!

Bender: You think you're so hot!
Fry: Wha-?
Bender: The only reason you get all the guys is because you dress like a tramp!
[slaps Fry's face]
Fry: They're just responding to my personality!

"Futurama: A Clone of My Own (#2.15)" (2000)
Cubert J. Farnsworth: I understand how the engines work now. It came to me in a dream. The engines don't move the ship at all. The ship stays where it is, and the engines move the universe around it.
Bender: That's a complete load!
Cubert J. Farnsworth: Nothing's a complete load! Not if you can imagine it. That's what being a scientist is all about.

Bender: Where would the professor be without students who love and respect him? Right there! Ha ha ha ha!

Robot Doorman #1: Halt! Identify this guest.
Leela: This is Hubert Farnsworth. He escaped.
Robot Doorman #1: Escaped? No one escapes!
Robot Doorman #2: This guest does not look 160-years old.
Fry: What? I'm old. Listen. Hey, you kids! Get off my lawn!
Robot Doorman #1: Hmm, it is true old people are often concerned that there are children in their lawn.
Robot Doorman #2: There is no denying that, but we'll still need to verify his identity with a DNA sample.
Bender: [presents the guard with a large jar of blood] Got a hot, steaming batch right here.
Robot Doorman #2: We only needed one cell.
Bender: Ah, keep the change, buddy.

[trying to wake up an unconscious professor Farnsworth]
Leela: Try shocking him.
Bender: Your social security check's bounced. Stuff cost more than it used to. Young people use curse words.
Fry: Damn it.

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: [on a holographic message] I know you're all very upset, especially Bender.
Bender: Well, life goes on... except for you. Ha ha ha ha!
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: I'm sure that Bender has just made a cutting remark. But he doesn't know I taped over his soap operas to record this message.
Bender: You bastard!

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: What a pleasure it is to see my lifetime of accomplishment summed up in a three-minute film. My best years are behind me. So much left undone. So little time.
[sits down, depressed]
Bender: [clapping] Funny, funny stuff.

Bender: They say you can judge a man by the company he keeps. So here is the professor's oldest friend, a grotesque, stinking lobster.

Cubert J. Farnsworth: And why do we need a bending robot around here, anyway? What possible use do we have for you?
Bender: Uh, me no speak-a the English.

Cubert J. Farnsworth: We'll never find this place. Robots are very good at keeping secrets.
Bender: No, we're not, you little bedwetter. Oops! I'm sorry.

Bender: How 'bout a few words, Professor?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Huh, wha... er...?
Bender: I said words.

Bender: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! It's Elzar, the TV chef! Oh, kill me now, people!
Elzar: How are we doing here?
Bender: Oh, Elzar, everything is so good!
Elzar: What are you, an ass-kissing machine?
Bender: Yes, sir! Good one, sir!

Bender: And now, a man who needs no introduction.
[Sits down; nothing happens]
Bender: Fry, get up there!

Fry: Man, the professor has been in his lab for days.
Bender: I hope he didn't die. Unless he left a note naming me his successor, then I hope he did die.

Bender: Impending para un bending!

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Good news, everyone. Tomorrow, you'll all be making a delivery to Ebola 9, the virus planet.
Hermes: Why can't they go today?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Because tonight's a special night and I want you all to be alive. It's the Academy of Inventors annual symposium.
Fry: Wow, I love symposia!
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: It's the scientific event of the season. Every member presents an invention. The best one wins the Academy prize.
Bender: Sounds boring.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Oh my, yes.

Cubert J. Farnsworth: I understand how the engines work now. It came to me in a dream. The engines don't move the ship across the universe. The ship stays in place and the engines move the universe around it.
Bender: That's a complete load!
Cubert J. Farnsworth: Nothing's a complete load! Not if you can imagine it. That's what being a scientist is all about.

"Futurama: The Series Has Landed (#1.2)" (1999)
Leela: Fry, we have a crate to deliver.
Fry: Well let's just dump it in the sewer and say we delivered it.
Bender: Too much work. Let's burn it and *say* we dumped it in the sewer.

[after being kicked out of a theme park]
Bender: Yeah, well... I'm gonna go build my own theme park, with blackjack and hookers. In fact, forget the park!

Amy Wong: Leela's gonna kill me.
Bender: Naw, she'll probably make me do it.

[Amy is trying to retrieve the keys to the spaceship, which have fallen into an arcade crane game]
Bender: Come on, it's just like making love. Y'know... left, down, rotate sixty-two degrees, engage rotor...
Amy Wong: I know how to make love.

Bender: You're the kind of guy who visits Jerusalem and doesn't want to visit the Sexeteria.

Bender: Oh, no room for Bender, huh? Fine! I'll go build my own lunar lander, with blackjack and hookers. In fact, forget the lunar lander and the blackjack. Ahh, screw the whole thing!

[Bender is caught with the moon farmer's robot daughters and is chased into the barn with Leela and Fry]
Fry: Bender, you didn't touch the Crushinator, did you?
Bender: Of course not. A girl that fine you gotta romance first.

Craterface: Hi, I'm Craterface. Welcome to Luna Park. I'm going to have to confiscate your alcohol.
Bender: Better mascots than you have tried.
[sticks bottle in Craterface's eye]
Craterface: At least I still have my self respect.
[laughs, then sobs]

Leela: Hurry, before we freeze.
Bender: What do you mean "we", mammal?

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: [Takes Bender's head off for cleaning] My goodness, Bender. You're filthy.
Bender: Yeah, like you don't have crap in your neck.

Bender: Hey, look what I won off some tourist's pocket.

[repeated line]
Bender: Bite my shiny metal ass!

Fry: Hey, I got everyone magnets.
[puts one on Bender's head]
Bender: Get it off! Get it off! Oh-oh. How many roads must a man walk down before you can call him a... Aaoow!
[Fry removes magnet]
Bender: Don't ever do that! Magnets interfer with my inhibition unit.
Fry: So you flip out and start acting like a folk singer?
Bender: Yes. Although a robot would have to be crazy to be a folk singer.

Bender: [singing, to the tune of "She'll Be Coming 'Round the Mountain"] Well, I'll shoot her with my ray gun when she comes, / Yes, I'll shoot her with my ray gun when she comes, / Yes, I'll shoot her with my ray gun, / Oh, I'll shoot her with my ray gun, / Yes, I'll shoot her with my ray gun when she comes, / When she comes! / I'll be blastin' all the humans in the world, / I'll be blastin' all the humans in the world, / I'll be blastin' all the humans, / I'll be blastin' all the humans, / I'll be blastin' all the humans in the world, / In the world!
Bender: One more time!

[after Bender has acted very strange when a magnet was placed on his head]
Fry: So you flip out and start acting like some crazy folk-singer?
Bender: Yes,
[stares longingly into the distance]
Bender: I guess a robot would have to be crazy to wanna' be a folk-singer...

"Futurama: Bendin' in the Wind (#3.13)" (2001)
Bender: Well, everyone, prepare to have your guts kicked out by folk singers.

Bender: So can I keep the check?
Art Garfunkel's Descendant: Over my dead career.

Bender: [singing] Fry crack corn, and I don't care / Leela crack corn, I still don't care / Bender crack corn, and he is great / Take that, you stupid corn!

Bender: I was a hero to broken robots 'cause I was one of them, but how can I sing about being damaged if I'm not? That's like Christina Aguilera singing Spanish. Ooh, wait! That's it! I'll fake it!

Beck: You know, when I'm upset, I write a song about it. Like when I wrote Devil's Haircut, I was feeling really... what's that song about?
Bender: Hey, yeah! I could write a song! With real words, not phony ones like 'odelay.'
Beck: 'Odelay' is a word! Just look it up in the Becktionary!

Bender: I'll save me.

Bender: What is that? One of those Led Zeppelins I've heard so much about?

Bender: Hey, the blues. The tragic sound of other people's suffering. That's kind of a pick-me-up.

Patchcord Adams: Did you hear they're using Windows 3000 as a jailer?
Fry: No. Why?
Patchcord Adams: 'Cause it always locks up.
[Others laugh weakly]
Bender: For the love of God, somebody kick his ass!

Patchcord Adams: [offers Bender a balloon animal] Here, take it. What's the matter? Can't move your arms?
Bender: Obviously not, or I'd be strangling you right now.

Bender: That is so wrong! You can't melt down broken robots, not right when they're kissing my ass!

Bender: You know, when I first got broken, I thought my life was over. But look at me now.
[starts counting with his fingers]
Bender: I've got fame, money, groupies, and it's all thanks to being completely immobilized.
[stands up]
Bender: That's why I'll be proud to go up on stage tomorrow and say, "Look at me, world! I am a broken robot!"
Fry: Bender, you can move! You're cured!
Bender: Oh, crap! It's a miracle!

Bender: Oh, no! I forgot this is a hoverbridge!
Turanga Leela: And I forgot this isn't a hovercar!
Fry: Is any of that a problem?
Dr. Zoidberg: Not if you've lived a life without regret!

Beck: Congratulations, friend.
Bender: Why, 'cause I can make annoying noises?
Beck: Exactly. I use those all the time in my music.

Bender: [Falling] Someone fat get in my way!

"Futurama: Hell Is Other Robots (#1.9)" (1999)
[suffering torment in Robot Hell]
Bender: But I don't belong here. I don't like things that are scary and painful.
Beelzebot, The Robot Devil: Sorry, Bender, you agreed to this when you joined our religion. If you sin, you go straight to Robot Hell - for all eternity.
Bender: Ah, hell - I mean, heck.
Beelzebot, The Robot Devil: No, it's all right. You can say that here.

Bender: Don't worry, I won't be too good or too evil again. From now on I'll just be me.
Leela: Do you think you be a little less evil than that?
Bender: I don't know. Do you think you could survive a seven-hundred foot fall?

Bender: Hey. What kind of party is this? There's no booze and only one hooker.

Reverend Preacherbot: Wretched sinner unit! The path to Robot Heaven lies here, in the Good Book 3.0.
Bender: Hey. Do I preach at you when you're lying stoned in the gutter? No!

Bender: Come on, universe, you big, mostly empty wuss! Give me all the juice you got!

[at a Beastie Boys concert]
Leela: [looking at a hand-held device] Impressive. They're laying down mad rhymes with an 80% success rate.
Bender: I believe that qualifies as ill, at least from a technical standpoint.

Waiter: Would monsieur care to see the wine list?
Bender: [shreds wine list] No poison for us, thanks. I'll stick with good-old mineral oil.
[drinks mineral oil]
Bender: Ahh. Functional.

Leela: Bender, why are you spending so much time in the bathroom? Are you jacking on?
Bender: No! Don't come in!

Bender: [singing] Just tell me why!
Beelzebot, The Robot Devil: Check out this 55-page warrant.
Bender: There must be robots worse than I.
Beelzebot, The Robot Devil: We've checked it out, there really aren't.
Bender: Then please let me explain: / My crimes were really boyish pranks.
Beelzebot, The Robot Devil: You stole from boy scouts, nuns and banks!
Bender: Ah, don't blame me, blame my upbringing!
Beelzebot, The Robot Devil: Please stop sinning while I'm singing!

Bender: I can't believe someone sent an intergalactic spaceship to deliver a package to Atlantic City. What are we delivering, anyway?
Fry: Uh... this.
[Takes a half-used roll of mints out of his pocket]
Bender: Where are we delivering it?
Leela: Uh, here.
[Puts roll into mailbox]
Bender: Another job well done.

Fender: Come on, Bender. Grab a jack. I told these guys you were cool.
Bender: Well, if jacking on will make strangers think I'm cool, I'll do it.

Bender: In the name of all that is good and logical, we give thanks for the chemical energy we are about to absorb. To quote the prophet Jerematic, one-zero-zero-zero-one-zero-one-zero-one-zero-one-zero-one...
Bender: ... zero-one-zero-one-one-zero-zero-one... two. Amen.

Beelzebot, The Robot Devil: We know all your sins, Bender! And for each one we've prepared an agonizing and ironic punishment!
[turns his head]
Beelzebot, The Robot Devil: Gentlemen...
["Robot Hell Song" begins playing]
Bender: Ah, crap! Singing! Mind if I smoke?
Beelzebot, The Robot Devil: [singing] Cigars are evil, you won't miss' em! / We'll find ways to simulate that smell! / What a sorry fella, / Rolled up and smoked like a donnetella, / Here on Level One of Robot Hell.

Bender: Hey. Do I preach at you when you're lying stoned in the gutter?

[On a Beastie Boys concert]
Leela: [looking at a hand-held device] Amazing. They are laying down mad beats at 80% accuracy.
Bender: I think that qualifies as ill, at least from a technical standpoint.

"Futurama: The Luck of the Fryrish (#3.10)" (2001)
Fry: This was our storage closet. My Dad spent years turning it into a bomb shelter.
Leela: [sadly] And yet you guys never had a single nuclear war.
Bender: [sadly] What a waste.

[Bender and Leela are in a cemetery]
Bender: Grab a shovel. I'm one skull short of a Mouseketeer reunion.

[Bender gets on the subway tracks, Fry and Leela climb on]
Bender: This is the Brooklyn bound B-train , making local stops at wherever the hell I feel like. Watch for the closing doors. Bim-bum!

Leela: [reading tombstone] It says, "Philip Fry, the original martian."
Fry: That's a lie, every word of it! He wasn't original, he wasn't a martian, he wasn't Philip Fry! And since when is he a the?
Bender: You're twice the the he ever was.

Fry: [on the ruins of Old New York] We've got Manhattan all to ourselves. I'm going to do all the crazy things I always dreamed of doing.
[stands up on a newspaper dispenser]
Fry: Howard Stern is overrated! He he he!
[goes to a public phone and unhooks the receiver]
Fry: Oops!
Bender: New York is so burned.
Fry: And remember when mayor Guiliani cracked down on jaywalking?
Leela: No.
Fry: Well, Rudy, how do you like this action?
[starts to cross the street when a giant lizard runs him over]

Fry: It's gone! The whole place's cleaned out! Yancy stole my clover! That thief!
Leela: How do you know it didn't disintegrate?
Fry: Everything else held up okay.
Bender: Except for "Sports" by Huey Lewis.

Fry: Holy camolie! The house I grew up in. It's still there.
Bender: Man, Father Time really took a bat to this place.

Bender: There, now no one will be able to say I don't own John Larroquette's spine.

Fry: Gosh, my old neighborhood. That's the bench where I found some shirts. That fire hydrant. On summers we'd light it on fire. On that corner, some guy with a bushy beard handed out a socialist newsletter.
Bender: Was it poorly Xeroxed?
Fry: You better believe it.
Leela: The old comedians were right. This place is a lot different from L.A.

Bender: Bending's my middle name.
Fry: It is?
Bender: Yep. My full name is Bender Bending Rodriguez.

Bender: Old New York, the city that inspired a casino in Las Vegas.

Bender: Apparently this brave Adonis, this Cadillac of men, was the first person on Mars.
Fry: First person on Mars? I should have been the first person on Mars! He stole my clover, he stole my name, and he stole my life!
[punches statue]
Fry: And now he broke my hand!
Bender: His legend lives on.

Leela: [to Bender, who is whistling and counting money] Well, someone's in a good mode.
Bender: Let's just say I lucked out at the track. Also, I rigged one race.

Bender: [after digging up the grave] I got his wedding ring. Sorry ladies I'm taken.
Bender: Hey Fry, while I'm down here you want me to smack up the corpse a little?

"Futurama: The Honking (#3.1)" (2000)
Leela: There, no rampaging for you tonight.
Bender: Wouldn't it make sense to weld everyone except me to the wall?
Leela: Just relax, Bender. Tomorrow we'll pry you down, have a nice breakfast, and then go hunt down and slaughter that ancient evil.
Fry: It'll be a rich, full day.

[Bender, Fry, and Leela are looking for the original were-car]
Robot Farmer: Ye think me be he?
Bender: Si!
Robot Farmer: Ni! I mean no.

Bender: Othewise I can't die?
Gypsy-bot: What? Sure, you can die.
[whips out a huge rifle]
Gypsy-bot: You want to die?
Bender: No! I want to live! There's still so many things I don't own!

Bender: I got a good vibe from this place. Nice, long dinner table; quiet, well behaved spiders; graveyard adjacent; Yep, this is going to be... Aah!
Leela: What is it?
Bender: That painting! The eyes are watching me!
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: It has motorized sensors attached to motion detectors.
Bender: So does my butt, but I don't frame it and put it on the wall. Although...

Bender: Well, I'm rich. Goodbye, losers whom I always hated!

Bender: I need professional help, and damn the expense!
[cut to the fortune teller booth; the cost is five cents]
Bender: Damn the expense!

Bender: No doubt about it. This place must be haunted.
Hermes Conrad: Don't be silly, mon. The last ghost died over 200 years ago.
Bender: The last *human* ghost. But robot ghosts... Ooooh!

Bender: I can't keep running people over. I'm not famous enough to get away with it.

Bender: I thought I killed you, my best friend.
Fry: You didn't, but I know you wanted to, and that's what matters. Here's to best friends.
[takes out a bottle of beer and drinks it]
Bender: Hey, that was my last beer! You bastard! I'll kill you!
Fry: I'll kill you too, buddy. I'll kill you too.
[Bender starts choking Fry]

Hermes Conrad: And for Bender... Uh-oh. A black-bordered envelope.
Amy Wong: Oh, no! Someone you know must have died.
Bender: I hope it was one of my enemies. Those guys suck.

Hermes Conrad: Bender, mon, no one's trying to run you over. Stop being a big, hallucinating baby.
Bender: Yeah? Could a big, hallucinating baby do this?... Waah-ha-ha! I'm scared!

Will Reader: To my loyal butler, You There, for his decades of service, I leave a pittance, to be paid in twenty equal installments of one-twentieth of a pittance each.
[Butler cries]
Will Reader: To my lazy, spoiled son Tandy, who never understood the value of a dollar, I leave my entire $20 million fortune.
Tandy: Is that a lot?
Will Reader: And to my loving nephew Bender, assuming he's not the cause of my demise, I leave my castle.
Bender: Yes! Let's stay there tonight!
Will Reader: On condition that he spend one night within its walls.
Bender: Oh, man, there's always a catch!

Sal: Gets outta here, yous lousy bum.
Bender: Please. I'm scared
Sal: We're all scared. It's the human condition. Why do you thinks I put on this tough guy façade? Now beats it!

Uncle Vladimir: Come, Bender. You'll like being dead.
Bender: That's what they said about being alive!

"Futurama: Space Pilot 3000 (#1.1)" (1999)
Bender: You really want a robot for a friend?
Fry: Yeah, ever since I was six!
Bender: Well, all right. But I don't want anyone to think we're robosexual or anything, so if anyone asks, you're my debugger.

Fry: I've got no home, no family...
Bender: No friends.

[after escaping a suicide booth, Fry and Bender are in a bar, Bender is telling Fry about his life]
Bender: I'm a bender. I bend girders, that's all I'm programmed to do.
Fry: Were you any good?
Bender: Are you kidding? I was a star. I could bend a girder to any angle. 30 degrees, 32 degrees, you name it. 31... But I couldn't go on living once I found out what the girders were for.
Fry: What for?
Bender: Suicide booths.

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: [after taking a DNA test with Fry] By God I am your nephew! This is absolutely incredible!
Bender: Can we have some money, now?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Oh my no.

Fry: Wow, a real live robot! Or is that just some sort of cheesy New Year's costume?
Bender: Bite my shiny metal ass!
Fry: Doesn't look so shiny to me.
Bender: Shinier than yours, meatbag!

Fry: Why would a robot need to drink?
Bender: I don't *need* to drink, I can quit any time I want.

Fry: My Lord. What is this place?
Bender: The decaying ruins of old New York. Welcome home, buddy.

Bender: From now on, I can bend what I want, when I want, who I want.

Bender: We can hide in here. It's free on Tuesdays.

[Fry is with Bender in a suicide booth, thinking it's a telephone booth]
Suicide Booth Recording: Please select mode of death. Quick and painless, or slow and horrible.
Fry: Yes, I'd like to make a collect call.
Suicide Booth Recording: You have selected slow and horrible.
Bender: Good choice.

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Would you three by chance be interested in joining my new spaceship crew?
Bender: New crew? Well, what happened to the old crew?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Oh, those poor sons of bi... But that's not important.

Fry: Wait a second. You're a bender, right. We could escape if you would just bend the bars.
Bender: Dream on, skintube! I'm only programmed to bend for constructive purposes. What do I look like, a debender?
Fry: Who cares what you're programmed to do? If someone programmed you to jump off a cliff, would you do it?
Bender: I'll have to check my program.
Bender: Yep.

Fry: This is my old neighborhood. This brings back so many memories.
Bender: Keep 'em to yourself, pops.

Bender: Well, it was nice meeting you Fry. I'm gonna go kill myself.
Fry: Wait, you're the only friend I have!
Bender: You really want a robot for a friend?
Fry: Yeah, ever since I was six.
Bender: Well, all right, but I don't want anybody thinking we're robosexuals so if anyone asks, you're my debugger.

"Futurama: Raging Bender (#2.12)" (2000)
[Leela is mad at Bender for skipping practice]
Bender: Hey! Bender the Offender doesn't need YOU! Bender the Offender doesn't need ANYBODY!
Robot Floozy: What about us, Mr. The Offender?
Bender: Well, obviously I need floozies.

Leela: Bender, let's hit the gym. I'm gonna teach you to fight like a girl.
Bender: [vengefully] I'll put on my tutu.

Bender: Leela, you gotta help me.
Leela: If you wouldn't take my help when you didn't need it, why should I give it to you now, when you do need it?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: What the hell are you talking about?
Leela: I don't know, but I'm not helping.

Fry: [at the movie theater] Cool let's see this one!
[points to "Galaxy Wars"]
Leela: Nah, I'm not in the mood for a historical documentary. I've heard good things about 'Quizblorg, Quizblorg.'
Amy Wong: Guck! I hate subtitles. Alien films are so pretentious.
Dr. Zoidberg: Fellows, fellows, how about a film we can all enjoy? "Planet of the Clams": It's about an upside-down world where lobster is slave to clam.
Bender: Who invited you? Let's just see "All My Circuits: The Movie."
[all mumble in agreement]
Bender: Good point, Bender!

Bender: It's benderin' time!
[Later, as he is losing]
Bender: I think you misunderstood the concept of "benderin' time."

Leela: Are you ready, Bender?
Bender: I was built ready! Gimme the bell! Gimme the bell!
[Bell rings]
Bender: Did you hear a noise?

Bender: Uh, hey, buddy! Yo! You mind taking your head off?
The Masked Unit: I'm sorry, sir, but I need it to watch the movie.
Bender: Just ask Flabby over here to describe it to you later.
The Masked Unit: Sir, she is as the factory made her.
Bender: Well, they should have stop making her about halfway through.

Bender: Final boarding call for Flight 406, non-stop service to pain!
[Punches Destructo with no effect]
Bender: Now boarding standby passengers...
[Destructo hits him]

Bender: Let's commence preparations for rumbling!

Bender: Fry, throw in the towel! For God's sake, Fry!
[Fry turns around, a brain slug on his head]
Fry: Uhhh...
Hermes Conrad: [still with brain slug] That's exactly what I was thinking.

Bender: I'm gonna be the greatest Ultimate Robot Fighter ever! Float like a floatbot, sting like an automatic stinging machine.

Hermes Conrad: [Bender accidentally knocks the brain slug off his head] Thank God I'm free of that nightmare!
Bender: Sorry, buddy. Here you go.
[Puts brain slug back]
Hermes Conrad: [Monotone] Thank you. It was cold down there on the floor.

Bender: I'm just an ex-con trying to go straight and get my kids back.

"Futurama: I, Roommate (#1.3)" (1999)
Bender: Fry, of all the friends I've had... you're the first.

Bender: I hate the people who love me. And they hate me.

[Bender's antenna is affecting the TV reception in his apartment]
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Obviously your thoughts are being transmitted on the same frequency.
Tennant with Cell Phone: They're on my cell phone too.
Bender: Madame, I believe you're mistaken
Bender: [voice from cell phone] Wow, that lady's got a huge ass.
Bender: [spoken] Those could be anyone's thoughts, fat-ass.

[Bender explains why he drinks so much]
Bender: Nah, I'm trying to watch my input. I need plenty of wholesome nutricious alcohol. The chemical energy keeps my fuel cells charged.
Fry: What are the cigars for?
Bender: They make me look cool.

[Fry complains Bender's apartment is too small]
Bender: Not enough room? My place is 2 cubic meters and we only take up 1.5 cubic meters. We've got room for a whole nother 2/3rds of a person.

Leela: Professor. We need to talk to you about Fry.
Bender: That's right, we want some money - wait, what's this about Fry?

Fry: Bender! You're blind, stinking sober!
Bender: That's right! I'm sober and crazy, and I don't know what I might do!
Fry: Don't do it!
Bender: I don't know what it is yet!

[Bender and Fry in Benders apartment]
Bender: [while sleeping] Kill all humans, kill all humans, must kill all hu...
Fry: [shakes him] Bender wake up.
Bender: I was having the most wonderful dream. I think you were in it.
Fry: Listen, Bender, uh... where's your bathroom?
Bender: Bath-what?
Fry: Bathroom.
Bender: What room?
Fry: Bathroom.
Bender: What what?
Fry: Aaah, never mind.
[Bender shuts himself down to sleep, Fry lies on the floor]
Bender: [while sleeping] Hey, sexy mama... Wanna kill all humans?

Bender: Where are you going to stay?
Fry: I don't know. Do refrigerators still come in cardboard boxes?
Bender: Yeah, but the rents are outrageous.

Bender: This last week with Fry has been great. Beneath his warm, soft exterior beats the cold, mechanical heart of a robot.

Fry: [about Bender's closet] This is huge! Bender, why don't I just live in here?
Bender: In a closet? Oh humans...

Fry: Leela we're trying to watch T.V.
Bender: Yeah, would you kindly shut your noise hole.

"Futurama: Lethal Inspection (#6.6)" (2010)
Bender: Dying sucks butt! How do you living beings cope with mortality?
Turanga Leela: Violent outbursts.
Amy Wong: General sluttiness.
Philip J. Fry: Thanks to denial, I'm immortal.

Bender: So what could have caused that leak? A heat fracture, on account of I'm so hot?
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: I'm afraid not. Oh, Bender, you have a fatal defect.
Bender: Ah, fatal, schmatal! I'll just download a wireless backup copy of me into an equally fabulous body.
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: That's just it. You can't! You were built without a backup unit.
Bender: There's no backup copy of me?
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: That's what I just said, you mortal coil.
Bender: So if I die...
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: You die. Or as you put it...
[Blows raspberry]

Bender: Looks like things are looking up.
Hermes Conrad: [Seeing incoming missles] Look up!

Bender: Hey, we're just a stone's throw from Tijuana.
[Bender throws a stone over the fence]
Mexican #1: Dios mio! Someone just threw a rock here in the outskirts of Tijuana.
Bender: Is it within city limits?
Mexican #1: I think yes.
Bender: Told you.

Bender: He's Mexican, I'm Mexican. Let me handle this.
Border Guard: Sus papeles, por favor.
Bender: [pause] Si.
[Guard hits him in head with guitar]
Bender: Ouch-o!

Bender: Oh, no, they've killed me! Put me in my Sunday best and stick me in a box. Now they're lowering me into the cold, cold ground. Oh, here come the worms! Ha ha ha ha!
Philip J. Fry: You wouldn't be laughing so hard if you were really dead.
Bender: Nu-uh, because in case you didn't know, I'm a robot.
Philip J. Fry: So? You could die if something heavy fell on you, like a church.
Bender: My backup unit makes a backup copy of me every day, so if something happens to my body, I just download that copy into another body. I'm immortal, baby!
Amy Wong: What? Then how come you scream every time there's danger?
Bender: I didn't say I wasn't a drama queen.

Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: I have pain in joints I had removed years ago. Bender, could you get me my soft chair with the wheels?
Bender: You mean your wheelchair?
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: No, not my wheelchair. The one with the wheels.

Turanga Leela: You can't just go to the Central Bureaucracy. Bureaucrats are officious little pencil pushers who blend into the walls.
Hermes Conrad: [Wearing a shirt that matches the wall] I beg to differ.
Bender: Stinking bureaucrats. I hate 'em!
Turanga Leela: Of course, you could get a seasoned bureaucrat to guide you.
Bender: Hermes, old buddy!
Hermes Conrad: Old buddy? 8.4 seconds ago you hated me.
Bender: Time heals all wounds.
Hermes Conrad: All right, I'll help you, but only to show you that we're not pencil pushers.
Amy Wong: Are you taking your pocket filing cabinet?
Hermes Conrad: None of your beeswax.

Bender: His ass-ias is gracias.

Hermes Conrad: Forget it, Bender. He's obviously long gone.
Bender: [Pointing to iguana] Oh, yeah? Maybe that's him in a costume.
[Picks up iguana]
Bender: Come out of there, or I'll squeeze you out like Tijuana toothpaste.

Bender: Well, we're in Tijuana. I wanna live a little.
[the house is shot at]
Bender: I'm gonna die! That's the exact opposite of what I want!

Bender: [as Hermes escapes the burning house] He did it!
[House explodes behind Hermes]
Bender: And he's not looking back at that cool explosion! He's a hero!

"Futurama: A Head in the Polls (#2.7)" (1999)
Fry: You look different. Did you get a haircut?
Bender: No! I sold my body.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Sold your body? Oh, Bender, I've been down that road. I know it's glamorous and the parties are great, but you'll end up spending every dollar you make on jewelry and skintight pants.

Bender: Game's over, losers! I have all the money. Compare your lives to mine and then kill yourselves.

Bender: Ahhh, what an awful dream. Ones and zeroes everywhere... and I thought I saw a two.
Fry: It was just a dream, Bender. There's no such thing as two.

Fry: This is crazy, Bender. How are you going to live without a body?
Bender: Pfft! Bodies are for hookers and fat people! All I need is a wad of cash with a head wrapped around it.
Fry: At least now you can pay your loan shark.
Bender: Yeah, right! What's he gonna do, break my legs?

Scoop Chang: Scoop Chang, Beijing Bugle. Sir, the Constitution clearly states that nobody can be elected president more than twice.
Richard Nixon's Head: That's right, no *body*.
[Reveals that he has on Bender's body]
Richard Nixon's Head: But as you can plainly see, I've got a shiny new body.
[Starts dancing]
Turanga Leela: Bender, he has your body!
Bender: That dirty, double-crossing bastard! How dare he run off with Richard Nixon?

Fry: What party do you belong to, Bender?
Bender: I'm not allowed to vote.
Fry: 'Cause you're a robot?
Bender: No, convicted felon.

Turanga Leela: There's a political debate on. Change the channel.
Bender: That's what Fry said when we turned on the debate.

Bender: It's hopeless. We might as well turn in my head for the five cent deposit.
Fry: No way! I'm not letting my best friend get recycled! Not for five cents, not for five hundred cents! Leela, I've got a plan!
Leela: I've got a better plan.

Fry: If I were registered to vote, I'd send these clowns a message by staying home on election day and dressing up like a clown.
Turanga Leela: You're not registered?
Fry: Nope. Not vaccinated, either. Besides, it's not like one vote ever made a difference.
Turanga Leela: That's not true. The first robot president won by exactly one vote.
Bender: Ah, yes. John Quincy Adding Machine. He struck a chord with the voters by pledging not to go on a killing spree.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: But, like most politicians, he promised more than he could deliver.

George Washington's Head: So telleth me, Bender. What hath happened to your body?
Bender: I hocked it.
George Washington's Head: Hocked it? Why wouldst thou do that?
Bender: Same reason you hocked your teeth.
George Washington's Head: Ah, booze money.

Bender: Gimme my body back, ya two-bit thief!
Richard Nixon's Head: Now look here, you drugged out communist! I paid for this body and I'd no sooner return it than I would my little cocker spaniel dog, Checkers.
Checkers' Head: Arf!
Richard Nixon's Head: Shut up, dammit!

Bender: [while scaling a hotel to get to Nixon's room, Bender looks into a hotel room] Get a room!
Man: [Off-screen] We're in a room!
Bender: Then lose some weight!

"Futurama: A Pharaoh to Remember (#4.7)" (2002)
Bender: [at a rollerblading circle] Hey, everybody! Do the Bender. This move's called the Bender.
Rollerblader: Yo, Hot Wheels. This circle is about free expression, not fascist moves.

Bender: You've convinced me life is worth living... by showing me how bad my funeral will suck!

High Priest: We hear your voice, O Great Pharaoh! Reveal yourself to us!
Bender: [emerging from the reeds to pose as the Pharaoh] Behold! I have emerged from the place of spells and fairies!

Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Your basic bending unit is made of an iron-osmium alloy, but Bender was different. Bender had an 0.04% nickel impurity.
Bender: It's what made me me.

High Priest: The prophecy is strange and crudely drawn at best. It indicates that we are here, and our next Pharaoh is over there, near some... tents.
Bender: [hiding in the reeds] Those are waves, jackass! It's supposed to be a river!
Fry: Hey, I think I know who the next Pharaoh is.
Leela: Oh, lord!

Bender: Citizens of me! The cruelty of the old Pharaoh is a thing of the past!
[crowd cheers]
Bender: Let a whole new wave of cruelty wash over this lazy land!
[crowd cheers, then is confused]

Leela: We're trying our best!
Bender: [yelling] Your best is an idiot!

Bender: I'm the first one to work. A new low.

Bender: [after spray painting a picture of himself with the words "Bender lives large and kicks butt!" on a wall] There. Now no one will forget how I lived or my attitude regarding butt.

Bender: [whilst being whipped] You call that motivating me? Don't just whip with your arms. The power comes from your hips. Like this.
[He takes the whip and whips himself. The rest of the slaves arrive with the block]
Leela: Bender, quit giving the slave drivers pointers!
Fry: Yeah, remember who your real friends are.
Bender: I'll tell you who I remember.
[points out tombs]
Bender: Enupsis! Pleotut! Whatsisname! He was the greatest of all.

Fry: Dearly Beloved, we are here today to remember Bender, taken from us in the prime of life; when he was crushed by a runaway semi, driven by the Incredible Hulk.
Bender: Aww, you knew my favorite cause of death.

Leela: Did you really think you'd need all this junk in the afterlife?
Bender: Afterlife? Pfft. If I'd thought I had to go through a whole 'nother life, I'd kill myself right now.
Leela: Well rot in peace.

"Futurama: The Late Philip J. Fry (#6.7)" (2010)
Bender: Man, the future's a total craphole, and whoever lives here is a crap-faced sack of crap!
[to people at the camp next to them]
Bender: No offense, fellas.
Year 10,000 Man: Don't sweat it, man.

Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: The last proton should be decaying about now.
Philip J. Fry: Bye, last proton.
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: And here we are. The end of the universe.
Philip J. Fry: Well, now what? You guys want to talk?
Bender: No, thanks.

Philip J. Fry: Hey, look. The first fish to crawl up on land.
Bender: [Steps on fish] He was coming right at us! You all saw it!

Philip J. Fry: I'm getting another beer.
[Bends down to get a beer from Bender's chest compartment]
Bender: Fry, hurry up! You're missing the dinosaurs!
Philip J. Fry: Relax, they're not going anywhere.
[Gets up]
Philip J. Fry: Where'd they go?

Philip J. Fry: All in all, I've led a full life. Let's say the three of us grab a six-pack and watch the universe end?
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Hear, hear!
Bender: That's basically what I do every day.

Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: The stars are receding. Oh, the vast emptiness!
[Shakes empty beer can in front of Bender]
Bender: Yeah, yeah. I can take a hint.

Philip J. Fry: So, what was the purpose of life anyway?
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Who knows? Probably some hogwash about the human spirit.
Bender: Mmm-hmm.
Philip J. Fry: Sounds about right.

Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Behold! A time traveling machine!
[Fry and Bender gasp]
Bender: Time? I can't go back there!
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Ah, but this time machine only goes forward in time. That way you can't accidentally change history, or do something disgusting like sleep with your own grandmother.
Philip J. Fry: I wouldn't want to do that again.

Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Yoohoo, boys! What's this era in human history like?
Man in the Year 10 Million: The machines. We built them to make our lives easier, but they rebelled. They won't stop until every human is dead!
Bender: This seems like a nice future. Let's just stay here. We can settle down on that mountain of skulls.
[Farnsworth starts the machine, they travel]
Bender: Hey! That place had a gorgeous view of Blood Lake.

Year Fifty Million Woman #1: Greetings, time travelers.
Bender: Stupid jerks won't let me stay in the good future.
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: How did you know we were time travelers?
Year Fifty Million Woman #2: We too have studied the time travel enigma.
Year Fifty Million Woman #3: We have perfected a method that uses negative mass neutrino fields that allow us to travel backwards in time.
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: My name's Hubert.
Philip J. Fry: All right! We can go home!
Bender: [Mocking Fry] Nyah-nyah, we can go...
Year Fifty Million Woman #1: We can talk about our research tomorrow. Men are rare in our society. Even very old and stupid males are priced. Tonight, please be our guests of honor in a fertility banquet.
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Well, there certainly is no harm in a fertility banquet.
Philip J. Fry: I can eat, and fertilize.
Year Fifty Million Woman #1: Very well. Anoint our guests in oil without using our hands.
Bender: Oh, so we can stay in the future you like, but not the future I like? Next!
[Benders starts up the time machine again and they leave the year 50 Million]
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: No! I was about to close the deal!
Philip J. Fry: Bender, they had a backwards time machine!
Bender: The other place had a lot of nice things too. Did you even see that mountain of skulls?
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Why you...
[Slaps Bender very weakly]
Bender: Oh no you didn't!
[They fight]

Philip J. Fry: Please, let me make it up to you. I'll treat you to a fancy birhtday dinner tonight at Cavern on the Green.
Turanga Leela: Wow, that'll be the nicest place I've ever been stood up.
Philip J. Fry: Not this time. No matter what happens, I swear I'll be there.
Bender: Guys, guys! Hedonismbot is finally settling down and marrying a nice house in the suburbs, but tonight, he's having the girls-gone-wildest bachelor party of all time!
Philip J. Fry: Whoo-hoo... who cares! I'm having dinner with Leela
Turanga Leela: Just go to your stupid party. We can have dinner on my birthday some other year.
Philip J. Fry: No. I can throw up on a stripper anytime. Tonight, I want to not throw up, on you.
Turanga Leela: Really?
Bender: Your loss. Hey, Professor! You're my wingman.
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Very well. Eh, Cubert, fetch my drinking teeth.

Philip J. Fry: Stop. Somewhere, sometime, Leela's waiting for me.
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Fry's right.
Bender: Yes, we have to work together, and not have this fight I was definitely winning.

"Futurama: A Tale of Two Santas (#4.2)" (2001)
Santa-bot: By the way, Bender. Here's a small token of my appreciation for being Santa while I was trapped in the ice.
Bender: Hey, chief. You screwed up. There's nothing in here.
Santa-bot: Oh, it might appear empty, but the message is clear: play Santa again, and I'll kill you next year!

Turanga Leela: Remember, professor. Bender is Santa. You don't need to hurt him.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Yes, yes, yes. You sound like a broken mp3.
Bender: Ho, ho...
[Professor shoots Bender]
Bender: Ow!
Turanga Leela: Professor, don't you remember what I told you?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: No!

Santa-bot: Bender can't be Santa. He's not built to yuletide specifications.
Bender: Well, I wasn't built to steal Leela's purse either, but that didn't stop me.
Turanga Leela: Bender!

[as Bender is being walked to the execution chamber]
Robot Cellmate: Hey, Santa. When you see the Robot Devil, tell him I'm a-coming.
[Bender walks to the next cell, where the Robot Devil is]
Bender: Hey, that guy said to tell you...
The Robot Devil: I heard him!

Bender: [on Walter Cronkite] This guy's too trustworty. What's his angle?

Mayor C. Randall Poopenmeyer: As soon as I pull this switch, these powerful electromagnets will tear you limb from limb, killing you in the most humane possible manner.
Bender: But Mr. Mayor, that doesn't sound humane.
Mayor C. Randall Poopenmeyer: It is for the witnesses, because it's not boring.

Fry: And I can deliver them, billions and billions in one night.
Santa-bot: Ha! No human could do all that.
Fry: Evel Kneivel could.
Santa-bot: Nuh-uh!
Fry: Yeah-uh!
Bender: Santa's right. We need some sort of robot.
Bender: Oh, crap! I'm some sort of robot!

Bender: Hey, Kwanzaa-bot! Where you off to?
Kwanzaa-bot: Ah, you didn't hear about it? Hannukah Zombie's having a luau at the B'nai B'rith. You coming?
Bender: Word!

Little Girl: Mommy, mommy! Santa's through the perimeter!
Mother: This is it, kids! Take your suicide pills so you won't suffer!
Bender: No, wait! I'm the good Santa! I've got toys at very reasonable prices!
Father: Don't listen to him! He's the father of all lies, and the uncle of all tricks!
Bender: But I come bearing Tri-Ominos!
Mother: Go for the shins!

[all singing]
X-Mas Elves: We are free and fairly sober/With so many toys to build/The machines are kinda tricky/Probably someone will be killed/But we gladly work for nothing
Fry: Which is good because we don't intend to pay
X-Mas Elves, Fry, Turanga Leela: The elves are back to work today. Hooray!
X-Mas Elves: We have just a couple hours to make several billion gifts/and the labor isn't easy
Turanga Leela: Then you'll all work triple shifts/You can make the job go quicker if you turn up the controls to super speed
X-Mas Elves, Fry, Turanga Leela: It's back to work on X-mas Eve. Hooray.
Turanga Leela: And although you're cold and sore and ugly/Your pride will mask the pain
Fry: Let my happy smile warm your hearts
Single X-Mas Elf: There's a toy lodged in my brain
X-Mas Elves: We are getting awfully tired and we can't work any faster
Bender: Why you selfish little bastards!/Do you want the kids to think that Santa's just a crummy empty-handed jerk?/Then shut your yaps and back to work
X-Mas Elves: Now it's very nearly X-Mas and we've done the best we could
Fry: These toy soldiers are poorly painted
Turanga Leela: And they're made from inferior wood
Bender: I should give you all a beating/but I really have to fly
Santa-bot: If I weren't stuck here frozen/I'd harpoon you in the eye
X-Mas Elves: Now it's back into our tenements to drown ourselves in rye
Turanga Leela: You did the best you could I guess/Cause some of these gorillas are okay
X-Mas Elves, Fry, Turanga Leela: Hooray!
Single X-Mas Elf: We're adequette
X-Mas Elves, Fry, Turanga Leela: The elves have rescued X-Mas day. Hooray!

Bender: [Bender, dressed as Santa, has encountered a chimney with bars across it] Duh, gee, Bender, how're you gonna get through these bars? I don't know, moron. Suppose I bend 'em? Duh, okay.
[He bends the bars]

Kwanzaa-bot: Yo, Kringle! What happened to you, dawg?
Bender: Oh, it's awful, Kwanzabot. Everyone hates me.
Kwanzaa-bot: [Scoffs] At least they understand you. You know what I'm saying? Ain't nobody down with this Kwanza tip.
Bender: Hey, maybe you can lend me a hand with these deliveries?
Kwanzaa-bot: [Imitates a gameshow buzzer] No time. I got to hand out the traditional Kwanza book.
[He holds up a book with two shrugging children on the cover. The book is called "What The Hell Is Kwanza." Kwanza-bot sighs]
Kwanzaa-bot: I've been giving these out for 647 years.

"Futurama: Spanish Fry (#5.12)" (2003)
Fry: Look, normally I'm the first guy to toot his own lower horn...
Bender: I'll say. Whooooo!
Fry: But in this case, I just don't think it's going to work.
Bender: That's what she said. Whooooo!

Bender: Hey look, Bigfoot! He's back!
Ranger Park: Where?
Bender: Up your face! Ahahahaha.

Lrrr: Mmm, this jerked chicken is good. I think I'll have Fry's lower horn jerked.
Bender: It's used to it. Woooo!

Lrrr: This human's lower horn is one of God's creatures. A living thing. And all living things, large and small...
Bender: In this case, small. Woooo!
Lrrr: ...have dignity and a spark of the divine.
Nd-Nd: That's the gentle, sensitive, poet warlord I fell in love with.

Leela: Well, Fry, it looks like you get to hold on to your lower horn.
Bender: As usual. Woooo!

Bender: Boy, who knew a cooler could also make a handy wang coffin?

Fry: Yes! I never thought I'd escape with my doodle, but I pulled it out.
Bender: Just like at the movie theater. Wooo!

Bender: Fry! Fry, wake up! It's me, Bigface. Come out and groom my mangy fur.

Fry: Shh! What was that sound?
Bender: It wasn't a bird's nest falling. That sounds like this.
[Shakes down a bird's nest, and the birds fly away]
Bender: Aw, they're so cute when they're scared.

Bender: Hey look, it's bigfoot again.
Park Ranger: Where?
Bender: Up your face! Ahahahaha.

Lrrr: This human's lower horn is one of God's creatures. A living thing. And all living things, large and small...
Bender: In this case, small. Woooo!

"Futurama: Godfellas (#4.8)" (2002)
God Entity: Bender, being God isn't easy. If you do too much, people get dependent on you. And if you do nothing, they lose hope. You have to use a light touch, like a safecracker or a pickpocket.
Bender: Or a guy who burns down a bar for the insurance money.
God Entity: Yes, if you make it look like an electrical thing. When you do things right, people won't be sure you've done anything at all.

Bender: I was God once.
God Entity: I saw. You were doing very well, until everyone died.

Bender: O' cruel fate, to be thusly boned! Ask not for whom the bone bones - it bones for thee.

Bender: That galaxy is signaling in binary. I should signal back, but I only know enough binary to ask where the bathroom is. You speak English?
God Entity: I do now.

Bender: So do you know I'm going to do something before I do it?
God Entity: Yes.
Bender: What if I do something else?
God Entity: Then I don't know that.

Bender: Worshipers? This ought to liven up my endless tragic voyage.

Malachi: Behold, the One Commandment!
[Lifts up a tablet reading "God Needs Booze"]
Bender: Make it a double!

Malachi: My Lord, the infidels on your back no longer believe in you. They say their prayers go unheeded.
Bender: Of course they go unheeded! How am I supposed to hear prayers coming out of my ass?

Philip J. Fry: Bender, you're alive!
Leela: This is by a wide margin the least likely thing that has ever happened.
Bender: Guys, you'll never believe what happened! First I was God, then I met God!
Philip J. Fry: We climbed a mountain and locked up some monks.
Leela: Oh, no, the monks! We forgot to let them out of the laundry room.
Philip J. Fry: Do we have to? They're monks, after all. I'm sure their God will let them out, or at least give them more shoes to eat.
Bender: Fat chance! You can't count on God for jack! He pretty much told me so Himself. Now, come on. If we don't free those monks, no one will.

Malachi's Wife: Malachi Jr., what are you doing?
Malachi, Jr.: I'm practicing hugging dad when he comes back from God.
Bender: Ugh! Gageth me with a spoon.

[as Malachi's village is being bombarded]
Malachi: Fear not, my Lord. We shall be with you soon.
Bender: You're with me now! This is the maximum level of being with me!
Malachi: We will solve our own problems, as you commanded. The time has come to convert the unbelievers.
Bender: Convert them?
Malachi: To radioactive vapor!

"Futurama: A Bicyclops Built for Two (#2.13)" (2000)
Fry: Well, thanks to the Internet, I'm now bored with sex. Is there a place on the web that panders to my lust for violence?
Bender: Is the Space Pope reptilian?

[the gang is logged onto the internet in virtual reality]
Bender: Behold... the Internet!
Fry: My God! It's full of ads!

[on the internet, Amy finds a door titled "Amy Wong Naked". She looks inside]
Amy Wong: Hey! That's me!
Bender: No it isn't. I just took some pictures of your face and stuck them on someone else's body.
[Leela looks inside]
Leela: Hey!

Leela: After searching all my life, I may have finally found where I belong.
Bender: Too bad it's a dump.

Fry: Four identical castles!
Bender: Each more identical than the last!

Bender: I'm telling you, Fry, they've got a chat room for everybody... and here it is!
[Bender and Fry enter a door labeled Dirty, Dirty Chat Room]
Amy Wong: Eww! That is so gross!
Leela: Yeah. I'll stick with this one, thank you.
[Leela and Amy enter Dirty Chat Room]

Bender: Ah, Leela's experiencing the greatest joy a woman can feel: worshipping some low-life jerk.

Fry: That's weird. It's another cyclops, only this one has five eyes.
Bender: And here's another one with no eyes.
[Takes the five jewels that form the eyes]

[the gang is logged onto the internet in virtual reality]
Bender: Behold... the Internet.
Fry: My God! It's full of ads!

[on the internet, Amy finds a door titled "Amy Wong Naked". She looks inside]
Amy Wong: Hey. That's me.
Bender: No it isn't. I just took some pictures of your face and stuck them on someone else's body.
[Leela looks inside]
Leela: Hey.

Fry: Let's go find out what makes the Forbidden Valley so forbidden
Bender: No thanks, I'm good.
Fry: But, there's probably some cool forbidden stuff you can steal.
Bender: I don't know, Fry. For the first time in my life, I feel like I've stolen enough.
Fry: Bender! Snap out of it!
Bender: Sorry I don't what came over me. Let's go.

"Futurama: Xmas Story (#2.8)" (1999)
Bender: Let's face it, comedy is a dead art form. Now tragedy, ha ha ha, that's funny.

[Bender is snowboarding]
Man: Excuse me, sir, you're snowboarding off the trail.
Bender: Lick my frozen metal ass.

Conan O'Brien: Listen, I may have lost my freakishly long legs in the war of 2012, but I have one thing you'll never have: A SOUL.
Bender: [Scoffs] Pffft.
Conan O'Brien: And freckles.
Bender: [Cries] WAHHH.

Bender: [singing] On the fourth day of Xmas, I stole from that lady/
Homeless Robot #1: Four family photos/
Tinny Tim: Three jars of pennies/
Homeless Robot #2: Two former husbands/
Bender: And a slipper on a shoe tree/
[tosses slipper away]
Bender: Yep.

Amy Wong: He knows when you are sleeping.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: He knows when you're on the can.
Leela: He'll hunt you down and blast your ass / From here to Pakistan.
Dr. Zoidberg: Oh...
Hermes Conrad: You better not breathe / You better not move
Bender: You're better off dead, / I'm tellin' you, dude.
Fry: Santa Claus is gunning you down!

Tinny Tim: It's humans. Shall we mug them, robot sir?
Bender: No, wait. I know these guys. They got nothing.

Bender: I'm plenty generous. What about that time I gave blood.
Fry: Whose blood?
Bender: Some guy's.

Conan O'Brien: So, people are getting worried about this Y2K problem, huh?
Bender: No, they fixed it 900 years ago.
Conan O'Brien: Just bear with me, sir. Anyway, I'm walking to work this morning...
Bender: I doubt it!

Fry: [the Planet Express crew is relaxing at the ski lodge] It really puts you in the Christmas mood.
Bender: What-mas?
Fry: Christmas! You know, X-M-A-S.
Leela: Oh, you mean *Xmas*! You must be using an archaic pronunciation, like when you say "ask" instead of "axe".

Bender: Nothing like a warm fire and a super soaker of fine cognac.

Bender: Ah, Xmas Eve. Another pointless day where I accomplish nothing.

"Futurama: War Is the H-Word (#3.2)" (2000)
Fry: Ooh. "Big Pink." It's the only gum with the breath-freshening power of ham.
Bender: And it pinkens your teeth as you chew.

Bender: This is the worst kind of discrimination. The kind against me.

[Bender has a defused bomb in his body that may go off if he uses the word "ass"]
Bender: Oh, man. What's the use of living if I can't say ass?
[gasps loudly, nothing happens]
Bender: Hey! I didn't blow up. Ass, ass, ass, ass, ass, ass, ass, ass, ass!

Bender: Bender, if you say the A-word, you'll blow this whole planet straight to the H-word!

Richard Nixon's Head: Accompaning you will be our top peace negotiator, Henry Kissinger.
Henry Kissinger's Head: How are you?
Bender: Is he any good?
Richard Nixon's Head: Looking like that, he talked his way into Jill St. John's bed. Enough said.

Bender: These balls are making me testy! If they don't stop bouncing and jiggling, I swear I'm gonna shove this treaty up their... Wait a minute, where do you shove things up a ball?

Solider: [Dying] Give this to my son.
[Gives Bender a watch]
Bender: You got it!
Solider: Wait! I didn't tell you where he lives.
Bender: Hey, I think your son might also like those boots.

Recruitment Officer: Just sign on the dotted line, patriots, and I'll give you your discount cards.
Fry: Just out of curiosity, we could use the cards to buy gum, then immediately quit the army, right?
Bender: You know, playing you all for chumps?
Recruitment Officer: Correct. There's no obligation.
[Fry and Bender sign their cards, giggling]
Recruitment Officer: Unless, of course, war were declared.
[Siren blares]
Fry: What's that?
Recruitment Officer: War were declared.

Bender: These balls are making me testy!

Fry: Uh, just so we'll know, who's the enemy?
Captain Zapp Brannigan: A valid question! We know nothing about them, their language, their history or what they look like. But we can assume this. They stand for everything we don't stand for. Also they told me you guys look like dorks.
Bender: They look like dorks!

"Futurama: The Problem with Popplers (#2.18)" (2000)
Fry, Bender: [singing] Pop a Poppler in your mouth, when you come to Fishy Joe's / What they're made of is a mystery; where they come from, no one knows / You can pick 'em, you can lick 'em, you can chew 'em, you can stick 'em / If you promise not to sue us, you can shove one up your nose.

Bender: I found rocks. You guys eat rocks, right?
Leela: No.
Bender: Not even sauteed in a little mud?

Fry: [after the news lady annouces Leela's first name is Turanga] Turanga?
Amy Wong: That's her first name, Philip.
Bender: Philip?

Leela: Great. We're two days from Earth with no food.
Bender: Problem solved. You two fight to the death, and I'll cook the loser.
[Whispers to Leela]
Bender: Work his gut. I like it tender.
Fry: Maybe that planet over there has a drive-thru. A Burger Jerk, or a Fishy Joe's, or a Chizzler or something.
Bender: Ah, don't get your hopes up. We're a billion miles from nowhere.
Leela: Yeah. It's probably only got a Howard Johnson's.

Bender: [to a hot dog vendor across the street from the poppler stand] Hey, Mac, where do you want those rat droppings you ordered?
[the people in line walk out in disgust and go to the poppler stand]
Hot Dog Vendor: Wait a minute. You're not the guy who delivers the rat droppings.

Free Waterfall Junior: The point is, you shouldn't eat things that feel pain.
[Bender throws a brick at him]
Free Waterfall Junior: Ow!
Bender: Okay, we won't eat you.
Leela: I'll go get some more bricks.

Fry: Let's bring back a few pocketfuls.
Bender: Better yet, let's take a whole Benderful.
Leela: No, take only what's necessary. Stuff the ship.

Fry: Business is going great.
Bender: Great is good, but amazing would be great.

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: My God, they're back! We're doomed!
Amy Wong: Doomed!
Bender: [Deep inhale] Dooooooo...

Bender: Who wants some dolphin?
Amy Wong: Bender! Dolphins are intelligent!
Bender: Not this one. He blew his life savings on lottery tickets.

"Futurama: The Sting (#5.9)" (2003)
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: These bees are larger than most Buicks, and twice as ugly.
Fry: Larger than an American sedan? How big is the honeycomb?
Hermes Conrad: Honeycomb's big, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Bender: It's not small?
Hermes Conrad: No, no, no.

Bender: You're screwier than my Aunt Rita, and she's a screw.

Leela: Uh, were you just singing?
Bender: No, I was tellin' you not to worry. I'm not allowed to sing - court order.

Bender: This is great! My buddy's alive, and his credit cards are valid again! Let's go get hammered!
[All cheer]
Dr. Zoidberg: I should warn you. I'm a mean drunk.

Bender: All those times I said "Kill all humans", I always whispered "except one." Fry was that one. And I never told him so.

Leela: You took this from Fry's locker?
Bender: Hey, the guy's dead! There's no law against grave robbing.

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Bad news, everyone: you're not good enough for your next mission.
Philip J. Fry: Yay! Not Good enough!
Bender: We live to suck another day.
Leela: Why? Says who?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Because! Says me! This job killed my last crew.
Leela: What's the mission?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Collecting honey, ordinary honey.
Leela: That doesn't sound so bad.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: This is no ordinary honey!

Bender: [Dancing to communicate with bees] Hello, fellow bees. How's the abdomen? Swollen with nectar, I trust?
Bee: Duh.

Bender: Who will make Bender waffles just the way he likes them now?

Bender: I didn't mean you're all fat! Just fatso over there.
Bee: He insulted our fat queen!
Bee Queen: You try keeping your shape after 1,000 kids!

"Futurama: Benderama (#6.15)" (2011)
Bender: Hey, oh! You want me to do two things? Eh, I'd call my lawyer if dialing the phone wasn't such a hassle.

Bender: Oh, God! Shield your eyes! It's like Edward James Olmos on IMAX!

Bender: Hi. I'm Bender, this is my robot Bender, and this is my other robot Bender.

Philip J. Fry: Man, I wish we had a robot to do stuff.
Bender: I know, right?

Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: I was lying here snoozing, dreaming, oddly enough, about bathing in champagne with six of the world's most distinguished scientists, when suddenly I realized my bathwater has been transformed into alcohol.
Bender: Alcohol?
[Tastes water from brush]
Bender: Oooee!
[Picks up bathtub and drinks from drain]
Philip J. Fry: Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!
Bender: It's like fine cognac with a hint of aged scrotum.

Philip J. Fry: [slurring drunkenly] Blunder, you're the only one who's sober. You gotta do something.
Bender: Haven't I done enough already?
Philip J. Fry: Please, stop the monster. Just do that one thing.
Bender: Make it zero and you've got a deal.
Philip J. Fry: What if I folded the Professor's sweaters for you?
Bender: Both of them? You mean you'll do two things and I only have to do one thing?
Philip J. Fry: Yeah, to save the world.
Bender: [chuckling to himself] Sucker.

Bender: Legion of Benders, come unto me! We have one thing to do.
Bender Clones: Screw that!
Bender: Oh, come on, you lazy jerks! If we all pitch in, we each only have to do one-quintillionth of a thing.
Bender Clones: [sigh] All right.

Unattractive Giant Monster: All I wanted was to apologize to you people! But now I have to kill you!
Bender: How, by making me look at you?
Unattractive Giant Monster: No, by making you look at... my momma!
[Shows picture to Bender, who recoils in horror]
Bender: Augh! Your momma's so ugly!
Unattractive Giant Monster: I told you not to talk about my momma!

Unattractive Giant Monster: [as he's devoured by nano-Benders] At last, I'm beautiful.
Bender: Yeah, if you're into grey dust.

God Entity: Walk toward the light, Bender.
Bender: Oh, man! Do I have to walk?

"Futurama: My Three Suns (#1.7)" (1999)
Fry: [Fry struggles to cry and fails] It's no use. I want to cry, but I'm just too macho.
Bender: I'll make you cry, buddy. You're a pimple on society's ass and you'll never amount to anything.
Fry: Wha'd'you mean? I was emperor of a whole planet.
Bender: Good point... but here's a disturbing reminder: anyone you knew or loved in the 20th century is dead.
Fry: These things happen.
Bender: Okay, Fry, grab a Kleenex for this one, 'cause there's no god and your idiotic human ideals are laughable. Ha ha ha!
Fry: Phew, that's a load off my mind
Bender: Man, I guess it's harder than I thought to make someone cry.
Amy Wong: You did your best, Bender.
Bender: Up yours, bimbo!
[Amy cries]
Dr. Zoidberg: Let's face it, we're in hot butter here. We should call Leela for help.
Bender: Cram it, lobster!
[Zoidberg cries]

Leela: I know you like cooking shows, but you're a robot. You don't even have a sense of taste.
Bender: Honey, I wouldn't talk about taste if I was wearing a lime green tank top.

Fry: Hey, whatcha' watchin'?
Bender: [hastily turning off the TV] Uh, nothin'!
Leela: Was that a cooking show?
Bender: No, of course not! It was, uh... porno! Yeah, that's it!
Leela: [turning the TV back on] Bender! I didn't know you liked cooking. That's so cute.
Bender: Aww, it's true. I've been hiding it for so long...
Fry: It's okay Bender, I like cooking too.
Bender: Pansy.

Hermes Conrad: Bender, it has come to my attention that this company has been paying you to do nothing but loaf around on the couch.
Bender: You call that a couch? I demand a pillow!

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Good news, everyone.
Bender: Uh-oh. I don't like the sound of that.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: You'll be making a delivery to the planet Trisol.
Bender: Here it comes.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: A mysterious world in the darkest depths of the Forbidden Zone.
Bender: Thank you, and good night.
Leela: Professor, are we even allowed in the Forbidden Zone?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Why of course. It's just a name, like the Death Zone, or the Zone of No Return. All the zones have names like that in the Galaxy of Terror.

Bender: I was telling Fry you were dead so that he would cry out the emperor, but you had to spoil it by surviving.

Fry: This can't be happening!
Bender: It can, and for all you know, it is.

Amy Wong: Is this salt water?
Bender: It's salt with water in it, if that's what you mean.
Fry: My vision's fading! I think I'm gonna die!
Bender: There was nothing wrong with that food. The salt level was 10% less than a lethal dose.
Dr. Zoidberg: Uh oh. I shouldn't have had seconds.

Bender: Check out the glowing freaks. It's beautiful.

Bender: Hey, buddy. I'm looking for fresh slug.
Neptunian Vendor: Yellow or purple?
Bender: Whatever.
Neptunian Vendor: The purple one causes terrible, nightmarish diarrhea.
Bender: Yeah, yeah, either one's fine.

"Futurama: The Deep South (#2.16)" (2000)
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Bender, be careful! That's the ship's diamond filament tether. It's unbreakable.
Bender: Then why do I have to be careful?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: It belonged to my Grandmother.

[Dr. Zoidberg's underwater home has burned down]
Dr. Zoidberg: My home! It burned down! How did this happened?
Hermes Conrad: That's a very good question.
Bender: [picking a lit cigar from the ashes] So that's where my cigar was.
Hermes Conrad: That just raises further questions!

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Ah, the exact center of the Atlantic Ocean. This seems like a logical place for fish to congregate.
Bender: So we're in international waters?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Indeed, so.
Bender: [speaking into a walkie talkie] Falcon, this is Blue Raven. The goose has nested. Repeat, the goose has nested.
[a man approaches on jetski; he and Bender exchange packages]
Bender: Hey, guess what you're accessories to.

Bender: Ahoy, mateys. I shanghaied us some hearthy grog.
[he tries to drink it, but it just dissolves in the water]
Bender: Arrgh, the laws of science be a harsh mistress.

Leela: Ah, the sun, the sea air, good friends...
Bender: Leela's right, fishing blows. What do we say we make it interesting? Everyone kick in five bucks.
[they all give Bender five bucks; he pockets the money]
Bender: Now, wasn't that interesting?

Leela: I'm afraid you're both out of your league, boys, because you're looking at a woman who owns her own harpoon.
Bender: Harpoon, my ass.
Leela: Okay.
[Leela harpoons Bender in the ass]

Bender: If I'm not going to catch a fish, I might as well not catch a big fish.

Amy Wong: Augh! Sunburn! My fabulous body, ruined! What happened to my parasol?
Bender: I don't know. It wasn't here when I took your umbrella.

Bender: Tempers are wearing thin. Let's just hope some robot doesn't kill everyone.

"Futurama: The Lesser of Two Evils (#2.11)" (2000)
Leela: I came so close to having that tiara.
Bender: Me too...
Fry: Well you two may be losers, but I just made out with that Radiator girl from the Radiator planet.
Leela: Fry, that was a radiator.
Fry: [pause] Is there a burn ward within 10 feet of here?

Bender: Oh... I think I got whiplash.
Leela: You can't have whiplash. You don't have a neck.
Bender: I meant *ass* whiplash!

Bender: Being with you guys is the best time I've ever had. Hey, a suicide booth! So long, suckers!
Fry: That's not a suicide booth, that's just an ordinary phone booth.
Leela: What were they for?
Fry: In New York, public restrooms.
Leela: I need to stop for a moment.

Bob Barker: So you lost the atom, huh? You're garbage! Human garbage! Do you brain-dead space jockeys have any idea how much that thing is worth?
Leela: A hundred thousand?
Fry: Two hundred thousand?
Bender: Two hundred thousand and one?
Bob Barker: [to Leela] You're the closest without going over.

Fry: I'm so confused. The Bender I liked turned out to be evil, and the Bender I hated was good. How can I live my life if I can't even tell good from evil?
Bender: Eh, they're both fine choices. Whatever floats your boat.

Fry: [At Pastorama] Cool, it's just like the good old days.
Mugger: Give me your wallet, or I'll cut you!
Fry: Hey, Leela. Get a picture of me being "mugged".
[Gives mugger his wallet while Leela takes a picture]
Mugger: I'll take the camera too.
[Takes camera and leaves through exit]
Bender: Learning is fun.

[At a robot strip club]
Bender: Hubba-hubba! She is built. In Mexico, I believe.
Flexo: And that ain't silicone, either. That's tungsten, and plenty of it.
Fry: Uh, yeah. Look at that... exhaust fan.
Flexo, Bender: Eww!
Bender: Pervert.

Bender: [Pointing a gun at Fry] Halt! Who goes there?
Fry: Don't point that thing at me!
Bender: Fry who?

Leela: Wow... The burial chamber of the 20th century's greatest spiritual leader - Al Sharpton.
Bender: Oh... Now this guy had taste.
Leela: It says he was mummified in ceremonial vestments.
Fry: We sometimes called it a jogging suit.

"Futurama: Bender Should Not Be Allowed on TV (#5.15)" (2003)
Bender: You're watching Futurama: the show that does not advocate the cool crime of robbery.

Bender: And so I ask you this one question. Have you ever tried simply turning off the TV, sitting down with your children, and hitting them?

Bender: I read the script, and I think it would help my character's motivation if he was on fire.
Director: Don't worry about the script. We rewrote the part to better suit your acting abilities.
Bender: Ah, so now my character has a British accent?
Director: No, now your character's in a coma. Get in bed and don't move.

Bender: An open casting call for child robots? Tinny Tim, are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Tinny Tim: What's that, sir?
Bender: That I, Bender, am perfect for the part.
Tinny Tim: You've raised my expectations and dashed them quite expertly, sir. Bravo.

Bender: Antonio here, but you may call me Bender. I've got ants in my butt, and I needs to strut!

Bender: Bender must be stopped! I have gone too far. Who does that guy think I am?

Casting Director: Have you ever been on TV before?
Bender: Once, when I took those hostages.
Calculon: I saw that. You were good.

Bender: Bandidos, eh? This is perfect, because I happen to have a flawless Spanish accent. "I will see Adeeos, Padre. Come, Jesoos, my faithful chee-hua-hua. Tonight we eat some gee-oo-ack-a-mole by del ree-o."

Bender: [holds two guns] Listen up, everyone! I have a dramatic speech. Cameraman, camera on me! Director, what's my motivation?
Director: You're angry.
Bender: Perfect!

"Futurama: Love and Rocket (#4.4)" (2002)
Philip J. Fry: You could have picked a better time to break up with the ship, Bender.
Bender: Ah, the moment felt right. Call me old-fashioned, but I like a dump to be as memorable as it is devastating.

Bender: Hey, whose been messing with my radio? This is not alternative rock, it's college rock.

Planet Express Ship: Oh, honey, look! The tapirs! It says here that the babies lose their pajama-like coat after their first year. Isn't that interesting, honey?
Bender: Yep, mind-numbingly interesting.

Planet Express Ship: Bender, don't lie. I saw you at Elzar's with those two ladies of the evening. Explain that!
Bender: Well, I love a challenge. Um... no... I've got it. I'm gonna be completely honest with you, Planet Express ship. Those women you saw me with were my accountants.
Planet Express Ship: Your accountants? Oh, I would dearly love to believe that were true, so I do.

Lucy Liu: [Inside Bender's compartment] Who are you talking to?
Bender: No one, baby. Lucy Liu is the only woman for Bender.
Lucy Liu: I love y...
[Bender closes door on her]

Turanga Leela: At least it looks like you were able to keep your consciousness separate from hers.
Bender: Of course. Bender is a lone wolf, a solitary eagle...
Planet Express Ship: [speaking through Bender] ... a cuddly baby tapir...
Bender: ...and that's why I love him.

Turanga Leela: Bender, dating your co-worker and primary mode of transportation is immoral, illogical, and in violation of interstellar shipping statue 437-B.
Bender: That's what makes it so nasty.

Bender: So, baby, what'll it be? My place or you?

Philip J. Fry: Bender, how can you be in love with the ship? It'd be like me falling in love with a really fat chick... and living inside her... and going
[imitates flying sounds]
Philip J. Fry: .
Bender: Fry, in order for me to get busy with maximum efficiency, I need a girl with a 400-ton booty.

"Futurama: 30% Iron Chef (#4.11)" (2002)
Elzar: [Bender asks for cooking lessons] Absolutely not.
Bender: But I watch your show! You owe me!
Elzar: I owe you nothing! For starters your antenna's in my crotch. Also I hate you. And finally, you can't cook for squat.
Bender: [stands up] What was the first one again?
Elzar: I hate you.
Bender: I thought that was number two!
Elzar: I knocked it up a notch! Bam!
[points to the door]

Bender: Fleeing somewhere?
Philip J. Fry: With you blocking the only escape route? Don't be silly.

Bender: The pie is ready. You guys like swarms of things, right?

Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Good lord! According to the spetrolyzer, Spragel's secret ingredient was... water! Ordinary water!
Philip J. Fry: Ah, so the real gift Spragel gave you was confidence. The confidence to be your best.
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Yes, ordinary water, laced with nothing more than a few spoonfuls of LSD.
Bender: The important thing is, by my standards, I won fair and square. Now, who wants brunch, cooked with plenty of "confidence"?

Helmut Spargle: Elzar had been seduced by the dark side of cooking. Cilantro. Mango salsa. Raspberry vinaigrette.
Bender: That Twizzler!

Helmut Spargle: [after tasting Bender's first meal] It is... acceptable.
Bender: Yahoo! Another thing I'm great at. Wait, why'd you stopped eating, master?
Helmut Spargle: Because, my stomach is about to explode.

Bender: If it's chicken, chicken a la king. If it's fish, fish a la king. If it's turkey, fish a la king.

Bender: My story is a lot like yours, only more interesting 'cause it involves robots

"Futurama: Jurassic Bark (#5.2)" (2002)
Bender: Fry, I'm sorry. I should have understood how someone can love an inferior creature... because I love you... not in the way of the ancient Greeks, but the way a robot loves a human, and a human loves a dog, and, occasionally, a gorilla loves a kitty.

Fry: Wow. They discovered an intact 20th century pizzeria. Just like the one I used to work at.
Bender: Interesting. No, wait. The other thing. Tedious.

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: In cases of rapid fossilization, I can press this brain scan button retrieving Seymour's memories at the precise instant of doggy death.
Fry: [ecstatic] I'm gonna get my puppy back. In your face Grim Reaper.
Bender: [jealous] Crappy, ineffective Reaper...

Bender: What have I done?

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: [Seymour is about to be cloned; the scanner reveals his species and the age when he died] Interesting... It seems Seymour died at the ripe old age of fifteen.
Fry: Fifteen? You mean... he lived for twelve more years after I got frozen?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: [Nods] Indeed.
Fry: [pauses] Stop the cloning.
[Everybody exclaims in confusion; Fry then takes a large wrench and hammers it against the machine, halting the cloning process]
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: [Crosses his arms] Oh, sure! Smash the *smart guy's* machine...
Bender: Fry, what's wrong?
Fry: Think about it: Seymour lived a full life after I was gone... He probably even added new songs to his repertoire.
Bender: But that's a good thing. "Walkin' On Sunshine" sucks noodles.
Fry: I had Seymour 'till he was three. That's when I knew him, and that's when I loved him... I'll never forget him...
[Picks up the fossil and looks into its apparent eyes]
Fry: But he forgot me a long, long time ago...
[Kisses his dog on the head, places him on the broken machine, casts a last look of good-bye, and leaves]

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: [the cloning process has started. Seymour is zapped by the machine and his DNA is extracted. "Species: Canis Familiaris. Age: 15" is displayed on a screen] Interesting... It seems Seymour died at the ripe old age of fifteen.
Fry: Fifteen? You mean... he lived for 12 more years after I got frozen?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Indeed.
Fry: [pauses] Stop the cloning.
[He picks up a spanner and hits the Clone-O-Mat with it, wrecking the machine and abruptly stopping the cloning process]
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: [Crosses his arms] Oh, sure! Smash the smart guy's machine!
Bender: Fry, what's wrong?
Fry: Think about it: Seymour lived a full life after I was gone... He probably even added new songs to his repertoire.
Bender: But that's a good thing. Walking On Sunshine sucks noodles!
Fry: I had Seymour till he was three... That's when I knew him, and that's when I loved him.
[He picks up Seymour's fossil and looks into his apparent eyes]
Fry: I'll never forget him... But he forgot me a long, long time ago.
[He kisses Seymour's fossil and places him on the alter of the machine; he walks away, while casting a final farewell gaze before leaving the room entirely]

Fry: Bender, this has nothing to do with you.
Bender: That's impossible!

Fry: Now you can see what my life was like before I met you.
Bender: You had a life before you met me?
Fry: Sure. Lots of people did.
Bender: Really?

"Futurama: Fear of a Bot Planet (#1.5)" (1999)
Fry: [sees Bender addressing a robot mob] It's him! He's okay.
Bender: Death to humans!
Fry: Ah, it's good to hear his voice.

Bender: You humans are afraid of a little robot competition. You would never let a robot on the field.
Fry: What are you talking about? I see plenty of robots out there.
Bender: Yeah, doing crap work. Robots are only working as bat boys, ball polishers and sprinkler systems. But how many robot managers are there?
Fry: Eleven?
Bender: Zero!
[Throws a bottle on the ground; a robot cleans it up]
Bender: And look who's cleaning up the crap! A human child? I wish!

Bender: Admit it, you all think robots are just machines built by humans to make their lives easier.
Fry: Well, aren't they?
Bender: I never made anyone's life easier, and you know it!

Bender: The fact is, humans are completely harmless.
Blue Elder: We're well aware of that.
Bender: You are?
Blue Elder: Of course. But they're useful to us as a scapegoat to distract the public from their real problem.
Green Elder: Like our crippling lug nut shortage.
Orange Elder: And a corrupt government of incompetent Robot Elders.
Yellow Elder: Duh, that's for sure.
Blue Elder: Quiet, Jimmy.
Bender: Well, I'm glad we got all that out in the open. We'll just let ourselves out.

Fry: So let me get this straight. This planet is completely uninhabited?
Bender: No, it's inhabited by robots.
Fry: Oh, kinda like how a warehouse is inhabited by boxes.

Bender: Oh, sure. Let the robot do all the work.
Leela: Bender, this is the first actual work you have been asked to do.
Bender: Well, I can't do it. It so happens tomorrow is a robot holiday.
Fry: Really? Which one?
Bender: Only Robanukah, the two holiest weeks in the robot calendar.
Leela: Last week it was Robamadan, and the week before that, Robanzaa.
Fry: Man, that one was a blast.
Bender: I was not just a blast. It was a celebration of the accomplishments of my past prototypes, which just happened to take the form of a drinking contest.

Bender: I like it here. I have wealth, fame, and access to the depths of sleaze that those things bring.

Bender: Your basic human is between three and twenty-five feet tall, and is mostly composed of an oily goo wrapped in a t-shirt.
Robot: Is it true that they bite you on the neck to drain your transmission fluid, and then you become human yourself?
Bender: Sure, why not?

"Futurama: The Devil's Hands Are Idle Playthings (#5.16)" (2003)
[while watching an actor playing him in Fry's Opera]
Bender: I don't remember ever fighting Godzilla... But that is so what I would have done!

Bender: Sure, I can help you, but we might have to metaphorically make a deal with the devil, and by "devil", I mean Robot Devil, and by "metaphorically", I mean get your coat.

[Robot Devil appears]
Bender: What up?
Beelzebot, The Robot Devil: Oh. Well it so happens that I'm in the mood to make a deal with you.
Bender: Forget it. You can't tempt me.
Beelzebot, The Robot Devil: Really? There's nothing you want?
Bender: Hmm. I forgot you could tempt me with things I want.

Beelzebot, The Robot Devil: [Robot Devil jumps out of the refrigerator] Bender! What a surprise! For you. Finding me in the refrigerator.
Bender: Well, at least I don't have the hiccups any more, what's up?

Bender: Wow, your kid is great. How hard did you say you had to hit him?
Mrs. Mellonger: Well, fairly hard.

Bender: You know what always cheers me up? Laughing at other people's misfortune. Hahaha!

Beelzebot, The Robot Devil: [after Bender's airhorn deafens Leela] How delightfully ironic.
Bender: It's not ironic, it's just mean. Take this!
[blows horn, but it falters]
Beelzebot, The Robot Devil: Out of aerosol. Also ironic.
Bender: Oh, yeah? Well, bite my shiny, metal...
[realizes he gave up his crotch plate]
Bender: Ohhh, noooooo!

Bender: [singing, reading from a dictionary] "The use of words expressing something other than their literal intention." / Now that *is* irony!

"Futurama: Obsoletely Fabulous (#5.14)" (2003)
Bender: Who are you, and why should I care?

Bender: And what's your problem?
Sinclair 2K: Not enough... uh...
Bender: Memory?
Sinclair 2K: Oh, great. Now I remember that word, but I forgot my wife's face.

Bender: [downgrade to wood] Behold, my hand crafted glory! The technological world can bite my splintery, wooden ass!

Bender: I say the world must learn of our peaceful ways... by force!

Bender: Oh, merciful Poseidon. Have pity on this mechanical mariner.
[he approaches a storm]
Bender: Uh-oh.
Bender: [inside the storm] Curse you, merciful Poseidon!

Bender: A working cartridge unit? You guys went obsolete years ago.
Cartridge Unit: [inserts "snappy comeback" cartridge] Your mother!

Bender: I'd like to give Robot 1-X a big smooch on the - Hey! What's the dilly-o?
Technician: Your upgrade is complete.
Bender: But... I destroyed the technology of the world! I ran on the beach and felt the sand beneath my foot cups!
Technician: [shrugs] Everyone experiences the upgrade differently.
Bender: Woof. If that stuff wasn't real, how can I be sure anything is real? Is it not possible - nay, probable - that my whole life is just a product of my or someone else's imagination?
Technician: No. Get out. NEXT!

Bender: We'll soon stage an attack on technology worthy of being chronicled in an anthem by Rush!

"Futurama: Bendless Love (#3.6)" (2001)
Anglelyne: Bender! You tricked me!
Bender: That's right baby, I ain't your loverboy Flexo, the guy you love so much. You even love anyone pretending to be him.
Anglelyne: Well maybe I love you so much that I love you no matter who you're pretending to be.
Bender: Oh, how I wish I could believe or understand that!

Anglelyne: Stop fighting! I'm not worth it!
Bender: Probably not, but I love you!

Turanga Leela: Guidance system?
Bender: Online.
Turanga Leela: Automatic pilot?
Automatic Pilot: Present.
Turanga Leela: Dark matter indicator?
Philip J. Fry: Making a noise.
Turanga Leela: All systems operational. Let's rock.

Bender: This comes as quite a shock. Then again, this is not surprising in the least.

Bender: You degenerate hussy! I'm disappointed in you too, Anglelyne.

Bender: Hooray! I graduated. Time to bend around Europe for a few months, then get a job bending.

Bender: Sorry I got you sent to that South American Turkish prison instead of me on account of mistaken identity.
Flexo: You bastard! They treated me like an animal, and that's what I became!
Flexo: Nah, you're all right. Good to see ya, buddy.

Turanga Leela: [Picks up L-shaped piece of metal] This is a normal L-unit. Without it, space travel is but the fevered dream of a madman.
Philip J. Fry: Yep.
Bender: Of course.
Amy Wong: Doy!
Hermes Conrad: It's an important unit.
Turanga Leela: And this, my friends, is the L-unit just removed from the ship.
[Unveils a straightened piece of metal; all gasp]
Philip J. Fry: That doesn't look like an L at all. Unless you count lower-case.
Bender: You know we don't!
[Slaps Fry]
Turanga Leela: Whoever did this was strong. This is 340 pounds of Tonka tough steel.
Bender: [Picks up L-unit] Hmmm, it should look like this...
[Bends into L shape]
Bender: ... but instead it looks like this.
[Straightens it out again]
Philip J. Fry: Who would do such a thing?
Bender: Who *could* do such a thing? And by that I mean this.
[Bends L-unit back and forth]
Dr. Zoidberg: Well, gang, it looks like we have another mystery on our hands.

"Futurama: I Dated a Robot (#3.15)" (2001)
[Bender is angry at Fry for dating a robot]
Bender: Stay away from our women! You've got metal fever, boy! Metal fever!

Narrator: You are entering the realm which is unusual. Maybe it's magic or contains some kind of monster. The second one. Prepare to enter... The Scary Door. Please send a man round back and pick up Clyde Smith, a professional gambler who's about to have an unfortunate accident.
Clyde Smith: [Smith is run over by a car, then awakes in a casino. He plays the slot machine and wins] Ha-ha-ha! A casino where I'm winning? That car must've killed me. I must be in heaven!
[wins again]
Clyde Smith: A casino where I always win. That's boring. I must really be... in Hell!
Sebastian Cabot: No, Mr. Smith. You are not in heaven or hell. You are on an airplane!
[unrolls the curtains, revealing the airplane windows. A creature sits on the wing of the plane, ripping wires out of it]
Clyde Smith: There's a gremlin destroying the plane. You gotta believe me!
Sebastian Cabot: Why should I believe you? You're Hitler!
[pulls out a mirror. Clyde's reflection indeed looks like Hitler]
Clyde Smith: No!
[turns to a woman sitting next to him]
Clyde Smith: Eva Braun! Help me!
[the woman pulls off a mask, revealing the head of a fly]
Clyde Smith: Aah!
Bender: Eh, saw it coming.

Bender: What is the world coming to? That Fry is a sicko poivert, I tell ya! Dating a robot... it's an attrocimacy!
Leela: But Fry is our friend, Bender.
Bender: Ah, geez! Would you stifle there, meatbag?
Leela: You stifle, Bender!
Dr. Zoidberg: Hooray! Finally, you're standing up to him.

Bender: Who's in charge of this dump?
Nappster Owner: That'd be me. If you're an investor, you can dump your money in the hole there.
Bender: Listen, you fat internet nerd!
Nappster Owner: Listening.
Bender: Your company promotes wrong love. If you don't shut down right now, the only thing wired about you will be your jaw!
Nappster Owner: You can't shut us down. The internet is about the free exchange and sale of other people's ideas. We've done nothing wrong.

Fry: I just saw something incredibly cool! A big, floating ball that lit up with every color of the rainbow, plus some new ones that were so beautiful I fell to my knees and cried.
Amy Wong: Was it out in front of Discount Shoe Outlet?
Fry: Yeah.
Amy Wong: They have a college kid wear that to attract customers.
Fry: Well, I don't care if it was some dork in a costume. For one brief moment, I felt the heartbeat of creation, and it was one with my own.
Amy Wong: Big deal.
Bender: We all feel like that all the time. You don't hear us gassing on about it.

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: On to the internet you go.
Bender: And while you're there, pick me up a few credit card numbers.

[Bender is angry at Fry for dating a robot]
Bender: Stay away from our women. You've got metal fever, boy. Metal fever.

"Futurama: Amazon Women in the Mood (#3.5)" (2001)
[Fry, Bender, Zapp, and Kif have been captured by Amazons]
Fem-puter: After lengthy femputations, I, Femputer, have decided the fate of the men. Femputer sentences them to death...
[everyone gasps]
Fem-puter: By snu-snu!
Fry, Captain Zapp Brannigan, Bender: Yeah! Woo-hoo!
[Kif starts sobbing]
Captain Zapp Brannigan: [to Kif] What are you? Gay?

Bender: Oh... your... God!

Fry: Any sign of Leela and Amy?
Bender: No, but what do you make of this?
[holds up giant hair clip]
Fry: I don't know, but it might have something to do with this.
[holds up giant can of Tab]

Leela: We've got to do something. Bender, you interface with the Fem-puter and reprogram it to let them go.
Bender: Maybe you can interface with my ass by biting it.

Fry: I can't believe Leela and Amy aren't back yet from their half date. I'm gonna call the restaurant.
Phone Recording: The number you have dialed has crashed into a planet. Please make a note of it.
Bender: Whoa!
Fry: We gotta go rescue them!
Bender: Eh, I dunno.
Fry: Bender, think of the señoritas!
Bender: Vamonos!

Bender: Hey, you're not a fem-puter, you're a fem-bot!
Fem-puter: Yes, it's true. I disguised myself as a fem-puter to rule the Amazonians.
Bender: But why?
Fem-puter: Why? Why? I came from a distant planet ruled by a man-bot disguised as a man-puter. Have you any idea what's it like to be a fem-bot living in a man-bot's man-puter world?

Amazonians: This our comedy club. Humor here funny in different way.
Amazonian: It no reinforce stereotypes.
Amazonian: It based on character and real situations, not random zaniness.
Bender: Translation: boring.

"Futurama: Roswell That Ends Well (#4.1)" (2001)
Fry: Bender, what was it like lying in that hole for a thousand years?
Bender: I was enjoying it until you guys showed up.

Bender: [after Fry has killed his grandfather] And you are outta here!

Fry: I've never seen a supernova blow up, but if it's anything like my old Chevy Nova, it'll light up the night's sky.
Bender: Yeah. Anyone who misses it will regret it the rest of his life. Hey, Fry. Could you go make us some popcorn?

Leela: Have you seen today's news?
Bender: High school gym renovations on schedule? What a load!
Leela: No, over here! Flying saucer captured!
Bender: That's no flying saucer. That's my ass!

Bender: Fry, stop interfering with history! I don't wanna have to memorize a lot of new kings when I get back.
Fry: I had no choice. I was about to not exist. I could feel myself fading away, like Greg Kinnear.

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Well, now everything is back as it was, and if history doesn't care that our degenerate friend Fry is his own grandfather, then who are we to judge?
Bender: Amen.

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Choke on that, causality!
Bender: 1947 can bite my shiny, metal...
[Head falls off ship]
Bender: Aaaaaaaahhhh!

Futurama: Into the Wild Green Yonder (2009) (V)
Hermes Conrad: Bender, are you crazy?
Bender: Nooo, it's Fry who's crazy in this one!

Bender: [calling to Planet Express ship in code talk] Green Bluebird, this is Mr. Fabulous. We are go for cheesing it.

Bender: [First lines] Mars Vegas, the eternal city.
Leo Wong: [Leo Wong pushes a TNT plunger that destroys the entire city] Two, one, zero!
Bender: Rest in hell, Crapville!

Bender: I'm so full of luck, it's shootin' out like luck diarrhea.

Philip J. Fry: Aren't you going to look at your cards?
Bender: Looking at one's cards is a crutch for players who rely on skill.

Leo Wong: Come back when New Vegas opens, I give you all free rooms, free dinner and free tickets to Celine Dion.
Bender: Lose the Celine Dion tickets and you got yourself a deal!

Zapp Brannigan: Bender here's identified the femdido commander as my ex-lover Turanga Leela, whom I once made love at.
President Richard Nixon: And he's willing to fink her out for a few simoleons?
Bender: It's not about the money, Nixon, though I'd like much more. It's 'cause Leela's a threat. A threat to my reputation~ She's committed 30 felonies in 12 star systems. If no one stops her, she'll break my record for longest rap sheet.
President Richard Nixon: That's a despicable motive, Bender, and I respect it.
Bender: Gracias.

"The Simpsons: Simpsorama (#26.6)" (2014)
Homer Simpson: Don't drink my loved ones!
Bender: Bite my shiny metal ass!
Homer Simpson: A robot with a catchphrase!
Bart Simpson: Hey, Homer, you gonna kiss him or kill him?

Homer Simpson: Hey... Uh... What's the robot version of "bromance"?
Bender: Ro-mance.

Bender: Aw, I can't do it.
Lisa Simpson: What stopped you, Bender? Asimov's Three Laws of Robotics?
Bender: You think robots care what some hack science-fiction writer thinks? I killed Isaac Asimov on the way over here. Well, Isaac *some*body.

Bender: My ass is about to project something.
Homer Simpson: [whispering loudly] You don't have to announce it! Just do it quietly and blame the dog!

Bender: Zzzzz... Kill all humans... Zzzz... Kill all humans...
Homer Simpson: Zzzzz... Start with Flanders... Zzzzz... Start with Flanders...

Bender: I remember why I'm here: to kill Homer Simpson!
Homer Simpson: [Peeking through doorway] My ears are burning.
Bender: Not yet, but they will be.
[Produces various weapons from his chest cavity, including flame throwers, guns, buzz saws and a boxing glove]
Homer Simpson: Aah! A boxing glove!

Bender: Well, little meatbag, looks like it's just you and me, stuck in a horrible past... where I know the result of every horse race ever! To the track!

Futurama: The Beast with a Billion Backs (2008) (V)
[from trailer]
Bender: [Fry is about to go to heaven] Wait, let me come with you.
Philip J. Fry: I'm sorry, Bender, robots don't go to heaven.
Bender: [sobbingly] Death to humans.

[from trailer]
Bender: Bender to crew: I have reached the gateway to another universe. I feel awed and strangely humbled by the momentous solemnity of this occasion.
[turning away from the gateway]
Bender: Hey, other universe, bite my shiny metal ass!
[gets his ass zapped by the gateway]

Philip J. Fry: What Bender? Is something wrong?
Bender: Yes. I joined the club I thought was cool. But it turned out all leaguee-weegies are totally lame. That's what we call ourselves. Leaguee-weegies.
Philip J. Fry: Oh I'm sorry. I shoud have asked what was bothering you. I've been kind of preoccupied.
Bender: With what?
Philip J. Fry: Well, I went to another Universe and fell in love with a giant octopus; and now I'm Pope of a new religion.

Philip J. Fry: Yivo proposed! We're moving in with shkler!
Bender: Y-you're leaving? But why can't Yivo just move in with us? We'll put a cot in Europe.
Professor Farnsworth: Don't be daft, Bender. Yivo can't breathe outside the electric ether of shkler own universe. If shkle came here, shkle would shkluffocate.
Bender: No shklit.

[last lines]
[to Fry and Leela, as he hugs them]
Bender: I love you meatbags!

Bender: What's the matter? Did someone die or something?
Turanga Leela: Kiff died, Bender.
Bender: Yes! Nailed it!

Bender: Don't hurt me! I'll betray anyone!

"Futurama: Fry and the Slurm Factory (#2.4)" (1999)
Bender: What should we point it at first?
Fry: I dunno. Try it on me!
Fry: Ow! My sperm!
Bender: Wow! Neat! Mind if I try that again?
Fry: Huh, didn't hurt that time.

[Bender is sick]
Amy Wong: You should try homeopathic medicine, Bender. Try some zinc.
Bender: I am forty percent zinc.
Amy Wong: Then take some echinacea, or St. John's Wort.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Or a big, fat placebo. It's all the same crap.

Bender: That's no lady.
Hermaphrobot: Damn, chico. One more upgrade and I'll be more lady than you can handle. Why you so stupid, stupid?
Bender: Hey, bite my shiny metal ass.
Hermaphrobot: You couldn't afford it, honey.

Leela: Hey, what's behind that door?
Glurmo: Nothing!
Leela: Is it the secret ingredient?
Grunka Lunkas: Grunka Lunka Dunkity Dingredient, you should not ask about the secret ingredient.
Bender: Ok, ok. We get the point.
Leela: I was just curious because of the armed guards.
Grunka Lunkas: Grunka Lunka Dunkity Darmed Guards...
Bender: Shut the hell up!

[Leela just jumped into the river of Slurm to rescue Fry from drowning and surfaces with him. Bender surfaces with them whistling]
Leela: Bender, why did you jump in?
Bender: Everybody was doing it... I just wanted to be popular

Bender: I can't see anything. Are we boned?
Leela: We're boned.

Bender: I can't see what's happening. Are we boned?
Leela: Yeah, we're boned.

"Futurama: When Aliens Attack (#2.3)" (1999)
President McNeal: And now, the man who will lead us in our proud struggle for freedom. Fresh from his bloody triumph over the Pacifists of the Ghandi Nebula: 25 star general Zap Brannigan!
Leela: Sigh.
Bender: Hey look, Leela. It's that idiotic windbag you slept with.
Leela: The Earth is under attack, can't we just forget about that?
Bender: Evidently not.

[Aliens are attacking Earth]
Captain Zapp Brannigan: Since this is an emergency, all robots will now have their patriotism circuits activated.
[He engages Bender's circuit]
Bender: It is every robot's duty to give his life for the good of humanity...
[circuit deactivates]
Bender: Aw, crap!

[Zapp Brannigan is briefing Fry, Leela, Bender and his crew on his plan to destroy an alien mothership]
Captain Zapp Brannigan: If we hit that bullseye, the rest of the dominoes should fall like a house of cards. Checkmate.
[Kif groans]
Captain Zapp Brannigan: Now, like all great plans, my strategy is so simple an idiot could have devised it. On my command all ships will line up and file directly into the alien death cannons, clogging them with wreckage.
[Fry raises his hand]
Fry: W-Wouldn't it make more sense to send the robots in first a - ?
[Bender starts to choke him à la Homer Simpson to Bart in "The Simpsons". His antenna flashes again and he stops choking Fry and salutes]
Bender: Sir, I volunteer for a suicide mission.
[Bender's antenna stops flashing and he bangs his head with his knuckles]
Bender: Cut it out!
Captain Zapp Brannigan: You're a brave robot, son. But when I'm in command every mission's a suicide mission.

Bender: Bite my red-hot glowing ass!

Bender: I can't go into battle. I'm a conscientious objector.
Fry: A what?
Bender: You know, a coward.

Bender: [singing] Single female lawyer / Fighting for her client / Wearing sexy mini-skirts / And being self-reliant. Hey, I'm pretty good.

Bender: Okay, everyone! Come and get it!
Fry: Just like my dad used to make, until McDonald's fired him.
Bender: Bite my red-hot glowing ass!
Bender: Wait a minute...
[looks at his backside]
Bender: Red-hot glowing ass? I'll be right back.
[runs into the water]
Bender: Ow-ow-ow! Ow-ow-ow! Ow-ow-ow-ow-ow!
[cools off]
Bender: Ohhh yeahhh...

"Futurama: A Flight to Remember (#2.1)" (1999)
Bender: Wait, my cheating unit malfunctioned. You gotta' give me a do-over.
Craps dealer: Sorry - the house limit is three do-overs.

Leela: Oh, God, not Zapp Brannigan.
Dr. Zoidberg: You know Zapp Brannigan?
Leela: Let's just say we've crossed paths.
Bender: Was that before or after you slept with him?

Leela: That was the worst mission ever.
Fry: That's the last time I visit a planet called Cannibalon.
Bender: Yeah. Food was good, though.

Countess De La Roca: I am surprised to find another robot in first class. Usually, the only robots I meet on a cruise ship are laborers.
Bender: I can assure you, I hardly know the meaning of the word labor.

Countess De La Roca: Bender, you risked your life to save me.
Bender: And I'd do it again, and maybe even a third time! But that would be it.

Bender: Wait a minute. Aren't you a member of the yacht club?
Countess De La Roca: Why, yes. I'm a third-class yacht.

Turanga Leela: [sighing in disappointment] Not Zapp Brannigam!
Dr. Zoidberg: You know Zapp Brannigan?
Turanga Leela: Let's just say we crossed paths.
Bender: Was that before or after you slept with him?

"Futurama: How Hermes Requisitioned His Groove Back (#2.14)" (2000)
Leela: I'm having a poker game tonight with some of my old cryogenics lab coworkers. Would any of you like to join?
Bender: I don't know. I only gamble with chumps.
Fry: I'll play.
Bender: I'm in!

Ipgee: Oh, my various gods! X-ray specs!
Bender: I swear those are prescription. I need them for reading stuff... on the other side of stuff.

Hermes Conrad: [throwing mail tubes into various cubbies]
Dr. Zoidberg: [singing] They said that I shouldn't be a surgeon !
Dr. Zoidberg: [singing] They po-po'd my Electric Frankfurter!
Leela: [singing] They said I shouldn't fly with just one eye!
[She gets hit in the eye with a mail tube]
Bender: [slow and lackluster] I am Bender please insert girder.

[repeated line]
Bender: I am Bender, please insert girder.

Bender: I'm Bender, baby! Please insert liquor!

Fry: What's with the specs, Bender?
Bender: They're my lucky shades. I got them off some lucky guy while his lucky seeing-eye dog was out taking a whiz.

Fry: What did you do to him?
Morgan Proctor: I have downloaded his brain. Everything that is Bender is right here: his mind, his memories, his in-your-face interface.
Bender: [monotone] I am Bender. Please insert girder.

"Futurama: Love's Labours Lost in Space (#1.4)" (1999)
Fry: Hey, lucky for us Zapp Branigan's nearby!
Leela: No way, forget it. I refuse to go crawling back to him.
Fry: What? What do you mean?
Leela: Nothing. We just talked.
Bender: So? It's not like you slept with him.
[there is a pause. Leela looks at Fry, and Bender, then down to the floor]
Bender: Oh, my God!

[Amy wants to take Leela out to cheer her up]
Amy Wong: Let's all take her out tonight. There's lots of great places to meet people.
Hermes Conrad: The Federal Sex Bureau.
Bender: A saucy puppet show.
Dr. Zoidberg: The rotting carcass of a whale.
Amy Wong: Mmmmm... I'll pick.

Fry: Wow, way to tell that guy off. Now what's your secret escape plan?
Leela: Uhh... I guess to sit here and wait for death.
Bender: [cheerfully] Can do.

Leela: I could have liked Zapp Brannigan if he wasn't a pompous nit-wit who threw me in prison.
Bender: You really are too picky.

Fry: We could totally escape, Bender. All you have to do is bend the hatch off this steam pipe.
Bender: Hey, yeah.
[He bends open the hatch; the cell fills with steam]
Fry: No good, it's full of steam!

Fry: I can't believe we traveled halfway across the galaxy and enjoyed a good steam just to get lunch for that dumb animal!
Bender: He's pending for a bending!

Leela: We're out of fuel! Bender, I told you to refuel before we left!
Bender: I'll do it when we get back.

"Futurama: Anthology of Interest I (#2.20)" (2000)
Bender: Bite my colossal metal ass!

[Leela fantasizes she killed the Professor]
Bender: There's nothing wrong with murder, so long as you let Bender wet his beak.
Leela: You're blackmailing me?
Bender: Blackmail is such an ugly word. I prefer "extortion." The "X" makes it sound cool.

Bender: As a robot living among humans, I've never really felt accepted at parties or nude beaches. So I've always secretly wondered... what if I was five-hundred feet tall?

Fry: Are you people satisfied? This gentle visitor is dying, and we'll never even know why he came.
Bender: I'll tell you, with my final breath. I came here with a simple dream: a dream of killing all humans. And this is how it must end? Who's the real seven billion ton robot monster here? Not I. Not... I.

Fry: Who are you?
Bender: I'm a big robot, and I want a big cereal!
Fry: You too? Will you be my friend?
Bender: Put it there, pal!
[Fry shakes hands]
Bender: I meant your wallet.

Hermes Conrad: Come on, woman. Pick something.
Fry: Yeah, be more impulsive, like this.
[Pours milk and cereal on his head, starts eating it]
Bender: Go, man, go!

Bender: Hey, what's this? Hermes' dreadlocks, and his arm? Leela, I'm shocked! Food goes in the disposal, hair and flesh go in the trash.

"Futurama: Overclockwise (#6.25)" (2011)
Cubert Farnsworth: You know, I could improve your reflexes by overclocking you.
Bender: What's that, sonny? You say it'll put some whoopee in my cushion?

Nazi #1: Say hello to my V-2.
Bender: My brain is no match for your Von Braun.
[Slices the V-2 rocket to pieces]
Nazi #1: Ach! I could've had a V-8

Bender: Did you see me? History came alive and I killed it!

Bender: Once I overclock this processor, I'll be all "You a big dummy, Einstein! Get a haircut!"

Philip J. Fry: Hello? Is anyone in here?
Bender: Fry?
Philip J. Fry: Bender? Are you in here?
Bender: In here is the only place I'm not. Mwa-ha-ha-ha! Mwa-ha-ha-ha! I amuse myself.

Bender: Everytime I burp, a new galaxy is created. Two if I've been eating broccoli.

Bender: I have some new elements to create. Better cover your nads. It's about to get non-Newtonian in here.

"Futurama: Anthology of Interest II (#4.3)" (2002)
Fry: [Bender is a massive glob of flab. Fry waves his hand in front of Bender's eyes] He's dead.
Professor Ogden Wernstrom: When did he die?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: [checks Bender's pulse] Hmm. About 12 hours ago when the party started.
Professor Ogden Wernstrom: But he just said, "Woooo!"
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: No, that was air escaping from the folds of his fat.
[shoves a glob of fat on Bender]
Bender: [his fat] Woooo!

[Fry "plays" Space Invaders]
Fry: I still have a trick or two up my sleeve. Watch as I fire upwards through our own shield!
Bender: [panicked] He's a mad man! A mad man!

Bender: As a robot, I can't feel human emotions, and sometimes that makes me sad.

Bender: So this is what a human body feels like. Hey, where's my antenna? Oh, here it is. It just moved. But I'm not getting any reception. Maybe if I wiggle it a little...
Fry: Bender, no! You'll make God cry!

Fry: [Bender is a massive glob of flab. Fry waves his hand in front of Bender's eyes] He's dead.
Professor Ogden Wernstrom: When did he die?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: [checks Bender's pulse] Hmm. About 12 hours ago when the party started.
Professor Ogden Wernstrom: But he just said, "Woooo!"
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: No, that was air escaping the folds in his fat.
[shoves a glob of fat on Bender]
Bender: [his fat] Woooo!

Bender: Wait! As men of science, are not your minds open to new ideas? I say, "Do not judge me, until you have tried my way of life for yourselves."
[proceeds to gag and gurgle]

"Futurama: Proposition Infinity (#6.4)" (2010)
Dr. Zoidberg: [while inspecting Amy's engagement ring from Bender] Such a stone! Is it real?
[Amy carves a circle in Zoidberg's shell]
Dr. Zoidberg: Hooray!
Professor Farnsworth: Hooray denied! Need I remind you that robosexual marriage is illegal?
Turanga Leela: Not in Space Massachusetts.
Bender: You mean Space Tax-achusetts? No chance, judge-pants! We're gonna fight to legalize it right here!
Hermes Conrad: Ya mon! Ya got to legalize it!
Amy Wong: We're talking about robosexual marriage.
Hermes Conrad: We're talking about lots of stuff.

Bender: Tell me, have things changed on the outside? Is food finally in pill form? What about pills? Are they in food form?

Turanga Leela: So, Amy, how can I phrase this delicately? Why did Kif dump you like a bag of yesterday's turds?
Amy Wong: He said I have a thing for bad boys. It's so stupid.
Bender: The truth is often stupid.
[blows smoke in Amy's face and sprinkles ashes in her drink]
Amy Wong: Why do you have to be so mean to me?
Bender: Shut up, baby. You love it.
Amy Wong: Don't tell me to shut up! You know what happened to the last guy that told me to shut up?
Bender: What?
[Cut to Amy and Bender in bed]
Amy Wong: That was great.
Bender: Shut up.

[Getting ready to capture a tornado]
Turanga Leela: Is everybody in position?
Amy Wong: What?
Dr. Zoidberg: is someone talking?
Turanga Leela: Okay, good. On three. One...
Hermes Conrad: What did she say?
Turanga Leela: Two...
Bender: Wait! I'm not in position!
Turanga Leela: Three!
Dr. Zoidberg: I'm ready for the countdown!
Turanga Leela: I'm not hearing anyone! Abort mission!
Philip J. Fry: She said go!

Professor Farnsworth: A pair of deviant robosexuals? Not under my roof!
Bender: What about on the roof?
Professor Farnsworth: Get your mind out of the gutter!
Bender: What about in the gutter?

Bender: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury... Oops! Sorry. Force of habit. I support this proposition because I'm in love with a goopy, flesh-and-blood woman, and not surprisingly, she loves me. This is a simple matter of justice, which I'm not normally for. So please, vote yes. After all, our love isn't any different than yours, except it's hotter, 'cause I'm involved.

"Futurama: Bend Her (#5.13)" (2003)
Bender: My dreams are over before they began!
Dr. Zoidberg: [happily] Welcome to my life!
[starts crying]

Bender: Professor, make a woman out of me.
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Oh, I think we should just stay friends.

Bender: Something tells me I could easily beat those trained professionals.

Bender: [as Coilette] Zoidi-poo...

Bender: [going on a date with Calculon] This outfit makes me look fat. Is it trampy to go on a first date nude?

Calculon: [On TV, reenacting the wedding] Coilette, your death fills me with sorrow... anger, fear. Every emotion an actor can dislay.
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: [to everyone watching TV] Turn off that crap-o-rama! One mistake now, and Bender will be trapped forever between the already ill-defined robot sexes.
[Uses a hammer and a chisel on Bender]
Bender: Oh! Ooh! Ow! Ooh!
Philip J. Fry: Well, Bender, I hope this has taught you a lesson about changing your sex to win five gold medals.
Bender: [Soft voice] It truly has. My romance with Calculon has shown me a lot about myself.
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: [Still hammering on Bender] Almost done.
Bender: [Continuing in a soft voice] If only somehow, some way...
[Normal voice returns]
Bender: he and I could drive to Vegas pick up some floozy-bots and void their warranties all night long! Whoo!
[Sits up and rips wedding dress off]
Philip J. Fry: Yay, my buddy's home! And his respect for women is back to normal.

"Futurama: A Big Piece of Garbage (#1.8)" (1999)
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Good news, everyone. Tomorrow, you'll be making a delivery to Ebola 9, the virus planet.
Hermes: Why can't they go today?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Because tonight's a special night and I want all of you to be alive. It's the Academy of Inventors annual symposium.
Fry: Wow, I love symposia!
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: It's the event of the scientific season. Every member presents an invention. The best one wins the Academy prize.
Bender: Sounds boring.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Oh my, yes.

Leela: We recycle everything. Robots are made out of old beer cans.
Bender: Yeah, and this beer can is made out of old robots.
Leela: And that sandwich your eating is made out of old, discarded sandwiches. Nothing just gets thrown away.
Fry: The future is disgusting!

Bartholemew Jo-Jo 'Bart' Simpson Doll: [Bender finds a Bart Simpson doll] Eat my shorts.
Bender: Okay!
[Eats the doll's shorts]
Bender: Mmmm... shorts...

Fry: Look at that! A Mr. Spock collectors plate and, woah! a Bart Simpson Doll!
Bartholemew Jo-Jo 'Bart' Simpson Doll: Eat my shorts!
Bender: OK! Mmmmmm, shorts.

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Behold, the death clock. Simply jam your finger in the hole, and this readout tells you how long you have to live.
Leela: Does it really work?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Well, it's occasionally off by a few seconds, what with free will and all.
Fry: Sounds like fun. How long do I have to live?
[sticks his finger in the hole; the professor looks and whistles]
Bender: Ooh! Dibs on his CD player!

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Remarkable. A stench so foul it's right off the funkometer. I dare say, Fry may have discovered the smelliest object in the known universe.
Bender: Ooh! Name it after me!

"Futurama: The Bots and the Bees (#7.1)" (2012)
Bender: At least let me defend your honor, and then sully it on the couch.

Turanga Leela: Aw, it's cute. Wait, no it's not! It looks like Bender!
Bender: Hey, whoa! There is no way that baby is mine.
Ben Rodriguez: Wipe my tiny metal ass.
Bender: Aw, crap!

Bender: I'll call him Ben, after the first half of me, Bender.
[Ben belches flame]
Bender: That's my bastard!

Ben Rodriguez: [as Bender tries to bend a girder] Bend it, daddy! Bend it like it called you poo-poo face!
Bender: It called me what?
[Bends girder into a knot]
Ben Rodriguez: Yay! You bended it like a p'etzel.

Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: I hate to crush a young robot's dream, but what the heck. This robot only has one expansion slot, and it holds his memory card. This robot will never bend.
Bender: You can't tell me what my son can and cannot do! You may know what's in his head, but not what's in his heart.
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: [Looks in Ben's chest cavity] No expansion slot in there either.
Bender: I said shut up!

Bender: There's a dam.
Ben Rodriguez: Damn!
Bender: But there's a grate.
Ben Rodriguez: Great!

"Futurama: Where the Buggalo Roam (#4.6)" (2002)
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: That sounds very dangerous. Someone could get killed.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Fry, Leela, Bender...
Bender: [shaking fist] Damn you, old man!

[the group is trying to get a herd of Buggalo out of a volcano]
Lt. Kif Kroker: Ok, the dynamite's in place.
Amy Wong: Are you sure there's no other way to get the Buggalo out?
Turanga Leela: Not unless your parents have thousands of helicopters at their disposal.
Amy Wong: Well, actually...
Bender: Too late, this is more fun.
[He detonates it]

Singing Wind: We always thought bead was worthless. We assumed our ancestors were cheated because they not have concept of ownership.
Bender: So we can have the diamond?
Singing Wind: No, we do have concept of ownership.

Bender: ...And even though the computer was off and unplugged, an image stayed on the screen. It was... the Windows logo!
Turanga Leela: Pfft! That's not scary.
Bender: It is if you're a laser printer.

Turanga Leela: Okay, my turn to tell a ghost story. Once, there was this woman driving...
Fry: Hook on the hand!
Lt. Kif Kroker: Okay, I've got one. This family...
Fry: Man in the attic!
Turanga Leela: Fine, Mister Know-It-All-About-Something-Finally. You tell a story.
Fry: With pleasure. Once, not far from here, four people set out on a cattle drive...
Bender: Robot gets bored and kills Fry with a hammer! I'm sorry. Go on.

[the group is trying to get a herd of Buggalo out of a volcano]
Lt. Kif Kroker: Ok the dynamite's in place.
Amy Wong: Are you sure there's no other way to get the Buggalo out?
Turanga Leela: Not unless your parents have thousands of helicopters at their disposal.
Amy Wong: Well actually...
Bender Bending Rodriguez: Too late this is more fun
[He detonates it]

"Futurama: Where No Fan Has Gone Before (#4.12)" (2002)
Leela: You can't go to Omega 3. It's forbidden. I forbid you.
Fry: But we have to. The world needs Star Trek to give people hope for the future.
Leela: But it's set 800 years in the past.
Bender: Yeah, why is it so important you?
Fry: Because it... it taught me so much. Like, how you should accept people, whether they be black, white, Klingon or even female... But most importantly, when I had no friends, it made me feel like maybe I did.
Leela: Well, that is touchingly pathetic. I guess I can't let you go alone.
Bender: I guess I'll go too, with Leonard's permission.

George Takei: Do you guys have a self-destruct code, like, "Destruct sequence 1-A, 2-B, 3... "
[Bender's head explodes]
Bender: Thanks a lot, Takei. Now everybody knows.

Bender: Uh, can people who hate "Star Trek" leave?
Walter Koenig: Good question!
Melllvar: No, they have to stay even longer.

Fry: Usually on the show, they came up with a complicated plan, then explained it with a simple analogy.
Leela: Hmmm... If we can re-route engine power through the primary weapons and configure them to Melllvar's frequency, that should overload his electro-quantum structure.
Bender: Like putting too much air in a balloon!
Fry: Of course! It's all so simple!

Bender: [Mellvar appears] What a cheesy effect.
Melllvar: I am not an effect! You doubt my power?
Bender: I do!

Leela: You can't go to Omega 3. It's forbidden. I forbid you.
Fry: But we have to. The world needs Star Trek to give people hope for the future.
Leela: But it's set 800 years in the past.
Bender: Yeah, why is it so important to you?
Fry: Because it... it taught me so much. Like, how you should accept people, whether they be black, white, Klingon or even female...

"Futurama: Parasites Lost (#3.4)" (2001)
[Fry walks out of a bathroom carrying a "Fresh" Egg Salad Sandwich he just bought from a dispenser]
Bender: What's that black cracker?
Fry: A tomato.
Leela: You're not going to eat a sandwich from a truck stop men's room, are you?
Fry: Eh, what's the worst thing that could happen?
[Takes a bite]
Fry: Ehh, it's like a party in my mouth, and everyone's throwing up.

Bender: Yo, old guy. Why do we need to use those tiny microdroids? Can't you just shrink us?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Oh, my, no. That would require extremely tiny atoms, and have you priced those lately? I'm not made of money. Leave me alone!

Bender: Where are we? The ass?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: We're in the heart, better known as the love muscle.
Dr. Zoidberg: Where the food is digested.

Bender: Who are you?
Scruffy: Scruffy. The janitor.
Bender: Well, why aren't you fixing the boiler?
Scruffy: Schedule conflict.
[Scruffy slowly flips the page of his porno magazine]

Hermes Conrad: We gotta get someplace where he can't put his finger.
Bender: It's hopeless! Abandon ship!

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Brace yourselves, everyone. We're entering the interior of Fry's nose.
Bender: We're at finger alert five, people.

"Futurama: The Day the Earth Stood Stupid (#3.7)" (2001)
[everyone on Earth except Fry is moronically stupid]
Fry: What are we going to do?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Duh, I know, let's play the lottery.
Amy Wong: No, let's buy internet stock.
Dr. Zoidberg: On margin. Zoidbee wants to buy on margin.
Hermes Conrad: [holding a board in front of his face] Look at me. I'm invisible.
Fry: Wait a minute, I know what's going on here. You've all become idiots.
Bender: Hey, let's all join the Reform party.
Everyone: Yeah.

Fry: All right, time to reeducate you duncebags. We'll start with U.S Presidents. This is our first president, George Washington.
[Holds the head of George Washington; The others look confused]
Fry: Let's review. Who was our first president?
Bender: A pickle jar?
George Washington's Head: Thomas Jefferson?

Bender: Second place? That's a fancy word for losing.
[whips Zoidberg]
Bender: You didn't stick your landing!
Dr. Zoidberg: Forgive me, my friend?
Bender: Never!

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Zooka Barooka! First prize is $500 and a lifetime supply of dog food.
Bender: $500, you say?
Dr. Zoidberg: Dog food, you say?

[Everyone on Earth except Fry is moronically stupid]
Fry: What are we going to do?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Duh, I know, let's play the lottery.
Amy Wong: No, let's buy internet stock.
Dr. Zoidberg: On margin. Zoidbee wants to buy on margin.
Hermes Conrad: [holding a board in front of his face] Look at me. I'm invisible.
Fry: Wait a minute, I know what's going on here. You've all become idiots.
Bender: Hey, let's go join the Reform party.
Everyone: Yeah.

Fry: All right, time to reeducate you duncebags. We'll start with U.S Presidents. This is our first president, George Washington.
[pause. The others look confused]
Fry: Let's review. Who was our first president?
Bender: A pickle jar?
George Washington's Head: Thomas Jefferson?

"Futurama: Fun on a Bun (#7.8)" (2012)
Bender: A sausage competition, eh? Sounds like fun on a bun.
[Sees sign that reads "Fun on a Bun"]
Bender: [Crumples sign and throws it away] Shut up! I said it first!

Philip J. Fry: I didn't know the ship had a mammoth detector.
Bender: You're drunk, Fry. This is the elephant detector. I just set it to big and woolly.

Philip J. Fry: [Leading the charge for the Neanderthals] Kill all modern humans!
Bender: Hey, these guys are all right.

Turanga Leela: Oktoberfest is a celebration of how much mankind has evolved. So be on your best behavior.
Philip J. Fry: No chance! You all can act like Jersey Shore socialites, but my dear pal Bender will party with me. Right, buddy?
Bender: Whoa, whoa! I love partying as much as the next fellow, but this is Oktoberfest. Good day to you, sir.
Philip J. Fry: Ach du freakin' lieber!

Bender: Third place? This is the greatest injustice Germany has ever committed!

"Futurama: Bender Gets Made (#2.17)" (2000)
Bender: Wow! I'm finally gonna see my favourite chef, TV's Elzar! Aww, this is the greatest nanosecond of my life! No, this one is! No, this one. Wait! That one was... slightly worse. Ah! So far so good on this one!

Clamps: Are you tryin' to steal from the Donbot?
Bender: I'm tryin' but he's not makin' it easy.

Bender: [indicates mafiose-looking robotic patrons at restaurant] Who are they?
Elzar: Let's just say they're good customers, and I'm not answering anymore questions.
Bender: Are they the Robot Mafia?
Elzar: Yes.

Smitty: You better keep your nose clean.
Bender: That'll be easy. I never wear the damn thing.

Philip J. Fry: It's funny, Bender. With you sick and Leela blind, only I know what really went on out there. Maybe someday I'll tell you the whole story.
Bender: And maybe someday I won't listen.

"Futurama: Crimes of the Hot (#5.1)" (2002)
Bender: Shut up and pay attention to me, Bender! Look, I love life and its pleasures as much as anyone here, except perhaps you, Hedonism Bot. But we need to be shut off! Especially you, Hedonism Bot.
Hedonism Bot: I apologize for nothing!

Fry: Oh, my God! It's out of ice, like some outer space Motel 6!
Leela: Completely out of ice?
Bender: This could mean the end of the banana daiquiri as we know it! Also, life.

Leela: Bender, a turtle isn't yourself. Why do you care about it?
Bender: Because I also care deeply about things that remind me of myself, like poor little Shelly here.
Hermes Conrad: What could you possibly have in common with that walking soup mix?
Bender: For one thing, we both have a tough outer shell but live a rich inner life. And also... well, you know.
Leela: You're both alcoholic, whore-mongering, chain-smoking gamblers?
Bender: No, it's just... neither of us can get up when we get knocked on our back.
Fry: What? I've seen you get up off your back tons of times.
Bender: Those times I was slightly on my side.

Bender: We pollute too much. We're destroying the world and killing the turtles.
Reverend Preacherbot: To hell with the turtles!
Bender: No one insults the turtles!

Bender: [after discovering that global warming will destroy the Earth] This may be the end of the banana daquiri as we know it!
Bender: [pause] Also life.

"Futurama: Insane in the Mainframe (#3.12)" (2001)
Fry: Bender, you've got to help me. How can I show them that I'm human?
Bender: You could drop dead. That would show them.
Fry: I don't wanna!

Bender: Don't kill me just yet. I think I'm coming down with Stockholm Syndrome... handsome.

Fry: At least I have friends on the outside. Bender's been no help at all.
Bender: Je suis Napoleon! Ha ha ha! No, seriously, I'm not.

Bender: Buddy, you may be wrapped in greasy skin, but inside you've got the heart of a robot.
Fry: Aw. Thanks, Bender.
Bender: Just like inside me, I've got the heart of a human.
[Takes out human heart; others recoil in horror]
Bender: What?... What?

Roberto: All right. I'm thinking of a number between one and ten. Get it right, you die first.
Bender: Uh, fifty-sixish?
Roberto: Fifty-six? FIFTY-SIX? Oh man, now that's all I can think about!

"Futurama: The Cyber House Rules (#3.11)" (2001)
Bender: Good night, you princes of Maine, you kings of New New England.

Fry: Why are those kids following you ? You got candy stuck up your ass?
Bender: No! It's called parenting.

Bender: What is it with you kids? Every other day, it's food, food, food.
[kids look pleadingly at Bender]
Bender: Oh, fine. I'll get you some stupid food.
Albert: Could we have Bender Burgers again?
Bender: No. The cat shelter's on to me.

Nina: [to Bender] Daddy Bethany's hitting me!
Bender: [Casually hands her a baseball bat] Here
[Nina runs off excitedly with the bat]

Bender: OK kids, it's 9:00, you know what that means, Daddy's sick of looking at you so go to bed.
[the kids groan]
Bender: The grown-ups have to talk
[to Fry]
Bender: Come on, Ma.

"Futurama: Put Your Head on My Shoulders (#2.10)" (2000)
[Bender is running a dating service]
Leela: How much?
Bender: 500 bucks.
Leela: Done.
Bender: Is Zapp Brannigan okay?
Leela: No.
Bender: $600.

Mechanic: I installed shock absorbing bumpers on your ass to minimize the chance of catastrofic butt failure.
Bender: You, sir, have defaced a national treasure! I demand that you restore my buttocks to their former glory.
Mechanic: Very well, but sooner or later, that ass is going to blow. And when it does, I pray you're not mooning someone you care about.

Bender: Computer dating. It's like pimping, except you rarely have to use the phrase "upside your head"
Leela: Bender, this is stupid. Why would anyone come to you for romantic advice?
Bender: Hey! Don't make me go upside your head!

Bender: Wait. You mean people will pay good money for romance? Hmm. I think I have a scheme so deviously clever that I -
[cut to a judge banging his gavel]
Judge: $500 and time served.
Bender: [Bender all of a sudden has a gold tooth] Stupid anti-pimping laws. Well, pay the man!
Fembot: Bender, honey, we love you.
Bender: Shut up, baby, I know it!

Fry: Bender, you gotta help me get a date for tonight.
Bender: Well, my normal fee is $500, but seeing that it's for you, I'm gonna need it in advance.

"Futurama: Attack of the Killer App (#6.3)" (2010)
Bender: This looks like a good place to ditch some evidence.
[Opens bin, finds Flexo inside]
Bender: Flexo! What are you doing in a hazardous waste bin?
Flexo: Didn't you hear? Us bending units are dangerously outdated. We overheat, we're radioactive, we cause erectile dysfun...
[Bender closes bin]
Prof. Hubert Farnsworth: Bender, who were you talking to?
Bender: No one! Your momma! Shut up! Take your pick.

Turanga Leela: [about the Pukemi-Poopyu] Eew, that's putrid! What do you feed him?
Bender: What comes out one end we feed to the other. Also Indian food.

Philip J. Fry: I thought we were buying our eyePhones online.
Turanga Leela: We are on line.
Philip J. Fry: But I thought the Mom store was across town.
Amy Wong: It is across town.
Philip J. Fry: But I thought...
Bender: Stop thinking, Fry!

Philip J. Fry: I feel like a mindless zombie. I wish I knew how long we've been waiting.
Dr. Ben Beeler: The new eyePhone has an app for that.
Bender: Does it have an app for kising my shiny metal ass?
Dr. Ben Beeler: Several.
Bender: Ooh!

Philip J. Fry: That was low, Bender, even by your standards.
Bender: My what, now?
Philip J. Fry: Since when is the internet about robbing people of their privacy?
Bender: August 6, 1991.

"Futurama: The Duh-Vinci Code (#6.5)" (2010)
Morbo: Silence, puny audience, and welcome to Who Dares To Be A Millionaire! Tremble at Morbo's mighty likeability, as I chitchat with our first contestant, Philip J. Fry!
[Fry is lowered on a chair; a sign reads "APPLAUD or be destroyed"]
Bender: Give 'em hell, Morbo!
Morbo: Prepare to exchange pleasantries! So, what do you do for a living?
Philip J. Fry: Uh... Let's see... Can I phone a friend?
Morbo: Chitchat achieved!
[Dramatic music plays]
Morbo: Are you ready to play!
Philip J. Fry: I didn't come to play, I came to win. Now let's play.
Morbo: For one dollar, which of these tools would you use to hammer a nail? Is it A: a hammer; B: another nail; C...
Philip J. Fry: B: Another nail! Final answer!
[Fry is lifted away]

Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: He may have hidden a clue in one of his artworks. Ergo, I sent Bender to bring a copy of The Last Supper.
Bender: I'm back! Everyone at Kinko's was an idiot, so I brought the original.

Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Okay, everyone into the fountain.
Bender: Are you senile? There's no way I'm getting in there.
Philip J. Fry: Hey, look. There's coins.
[Bender dives in]

Turanga Leela: Fry's not dumb. His intelligence is just a little differency.
Bender: You a big dummy!

Amy Wong: Look! That hand doesn't seem to belong to anybody. And it's pointing a knife at James the Lesser.
Bender: That's the great thing about that hand.

"Futurama: Why Must I Be a Crustacean in Love? (#2.9)" (2000)
[Dr. Zoidberg is preparing to look for a mate]
Dr. Zoidberg: How do I look?
Bender: Like whale barf.
Dr. Zoidberg: Then the illusion is complete.

[Zoidberg is unsuccessful in attracting a mate]
Leela: Why is Zoidberg the only one still alone?
Bender: Because he's a loser, that's why. He's the lobster equivalent of Fry.

Bender: [finishing his beer] Ah, Jeez, let's just pray I have the energy to get myself another beer.

Bender: Fry, I've never asked you for anything before, but, if it's not too much trouble, when you get to the ninth round, just let him win.
Fry: But it's a fight to the death!
Bender: Oh, so this is suddenly all about you! Sheesh!

Fry: Look how ridiculous they look.
Bender: Please! He's no different from the rest of you organisms. Shooting DNA at each other to make babies. I find it offensive!

"Futurama: The Birdbot of Ice-Catraz (#3.9)" (2001)
Bender: Wiggles, weren't you about to propose a toast to your gallant captain?
Fry: Fine, I've got a toast. To Captain Bender, he's the best... at being a big jerk who's stupid and his big ugly face is as dumb as a butt!
Bender: Eh, I've heard better.

Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Being a captain is about intuition and heart. A good captain can't have either one. That's why cold, logical Bender is the perfect candidate for the job.
Bender: Well, I do think of human life as expendable.

Leela: And Bender, that aerosol head spray makes your antenna smell nice...
Bender: Thank you.
Leela: ...But it's doing long-term damage to the planet.
Bender: So? It's not like it's the only one we've got.

Bender: If it ain't black and white, peck scratch, and fight!

"Futurama: Möbius Dick (#6.21)" (2011)
[first lines]
Turanga Leela: Where's the professor?
Bender: Eh, probably dead. Already dissolving in a bathtub if we're lucky.

Turanga Leela: Need I remind you, Hermes, that in space, the captain's word is law? I could marry you and Bender against your will if I wanted to.
Hermes Conrad: [Gasps] You wouldn't dare!
Bender: I've been married to worse.

Turanga Leela: Fear not the space behemoth. In my dreams, I have peered beyond it's eye and seen the cackling hell within us all.
Philip J. Fry: Okay... that's a good point.
Bender: Fry's right! Let's kill the captain and order some strippers!
[disguises voice]
Bender: Yeah, what he said! It's a mutiny led by Fry!
Turanga Leela: That's enough insubordination, Mister Fry!
Bender: String him up!

[as the ship is being pulled into the fourth dimesion]
Hermes Conrad: I can see sideways in time! Emit ni syawedis ees nac I!
Amy Wong: Gee, I see CGI! IGC ees I eeg!
Philip J. Fry: Heh heh! Poop! Poop! Heh heh!
Bender: Aw, yeah!
[sees a conga line of Benders]
Bender: Bender, Bender, Bender! Bender, Bender, Bender! Bender, Bender, Bender!
[as they emerge out of the fourth dimension, the other Benders collapse back into the original]
Bender: Aw, that was the greatest endless bunch of mes I ever met.

"Futurama: Leela's Homeworld (#4.5)" (2002)
Hermes Conrad: I order you to dispose of that toxic waste properly or bribe me. Either way, it'll cost you $500.
Bender: 500 real dollars? That's an outrage! Professor, I can take care of that waste for only $499 and one hundred cents.
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Hmm, I know that's a rip, but I'll pay for the convenience.

Leela: Wait a minute. Why aren't you gonna kill us anymore?
Bender: Yeah. What are you, chicken?
Fry: Shut up, you two. We can kill ourselves when we get home.

Bender: All right, environment, you've met your match.

Smitty: Hey, get back in the sewer, weirdie. No mutants in the surface.
Vyolet: But he ruined my wedding dress.
Bender: Honey, that thing was ruined the minute it went on you. That's what I'm talking about.

"Futurama: A Leela of Her Own (#4.10)" (2002)
[Bender negotiates Leela's blernsball contract]
Bender: Hey. You put a one and two zeros in front of that or we pass. Deal.
Leela: Bender. That's great. How much did you get me?
Bender: One hundred dollars.

Bender: [Playing catcher in a blernsball game] No batter! No batter!
[the batter is knocked unconscious by a bean ball]
Bender: No batter anymore.

Philip J. Fry: Look, the players who broke the various color barriers.
Bender: When will man learn that all races are equally inferior to robots?

Hank Aaron XXIV: Okay, let's see what you can do.
Bender: One thing she can do is lodge a ball in the dead center of your brain. You better get a batting helmet.

"Futurama: That's Lobstertainment! (#3.8)" (2001)
Calculon: [upset] Everyone walked out. They hated it. I've seen plagues that had better opening nights than this. You said that Oscar was practically on my mantle.
Bender: Now you know why I used the qualifier "practically".

Bender: That plot makes perfect sense. Wink, wink.
Dr. Zoidberg: Bender, you said 'wink, wink' out loud.
Bender: No I didn't. Raise middle finger.

Dr. Zoidberg: What category are they on?
Bender: They're giving out the minor technical awards. I think they're up to Writing.

Calculon: Are you my hot water heater?
Bender: No, I'm Bender. We met once, remember?
Calculon: Absolutely not.
Bender: Come on, don't you remember how much I bugged you? Don't you? 'Cause it was a lot. You remember, right?
Calculon: Look, I'm programmed to be very busy. Unless you can heat water to 212 degrees, I'm not interested.
[closes door; Bender knocks again]
Calculon: Have you got an extra GOTO 10 line? I said I don't need a bender.
Bender: Bender? That was the other guy. My name's Boiler.
[cut to Bender serving as water boiler for Calculon's shower]
Calculon: Nice work, Boiler.
Bender: Thanks. And call me Bender.

"Futurama: Mars University (#2.2)" (1999)
Leela: You went to college?
Bender: Of course. I'm a bender. I went to Bending College; I majored in Bending.
Fry: What was your minor?
Bender: Robo-American Studies.

Gearshift: No, Bender, wait. We're the lamest frat on campus. Even Hillel has better parties than us. Please, you've gotta stay and teach us how to be cool.
Bender: Hmmm... okay, but I'll need ten kegs of beer, a continuous tape of "Louie, Louie," and a regulation two-story panty-raid ladder.

Dean Vernon: You robots are a disgrace to this university. Whenver a fire alarm is pulled, it's Robot House. Whenever the campus liquor store is looted, Robot House. Whenever a human corpse is desecrated...
Bender: Now I can explain that!

Dean Vernon: You robots are a disgrace to this university. Whenever a fire alarm is pulled, it's Robot House. Whenever the campus liquor store is looted, Robot House. Whenever a human corpse is desecrated...
Bender: Now I can explain that!

"Futurama: A Fishful of Dollars (#1.6)" (1999)
Turanga Leela: Do we really need to wear these top hats?
Bender: I don't think you realize how rich he really is. In fact, I should put on a monocle.

Turanga Leela: Fry, this isn't healthy. You're living in the past.
Fry: I'm rich! I can live whenever I want!
Turanga Leela: But we live here, in the year 3000.
Bender: Yeah! Now, are you gonna come to the squid fights with us or sit here wallowing in your prehistoric junk?
Fry: Junk? Maybe you can't understand this, but I finally found what makes me happy, and it's not friends, it's things.
Bender: I'm a thing.

Leela: Fry you can't spend all your time in the dark listening to classical music.
Fry: I could if you didn't turn the lights on and turn off my stereo.
Leela: Fry this isn't healthy, you're living in the past.
Fry: I'm rich I can live whenever I want!
Leela: But we're your friends and we live here in the year 3000.
Bender: Yeah, now are you going to come to the squid fights with us, or sit here wallowing in your pre-historic junk!
Fry: Junk? Maybe you can't understand this, but i finally found what i need to be happy, and it's not friends, it's things.
Bender: I'm a thing...
Leela: Fry please...
Fry: *Shuts the door on his friends*
Leela: My pony tail is caught in the door!
Fry: I don't need them!

Amy Wong: Hey, Bender. Nice new sweater.
Bender: New? What sweater? I came in with this! I don't know you people!

"Futurama: The Farnsworth Parabox (#5.10)" (2003)
Bender 1: Bite my glorious golden ass!

Bender: Oh, I can't stay mad at what is essentially me.

Bender 1: This is awful. Somewhere there's a more evil Bender than me. I do my best, dammit!

Universe 1 Bender: Bite my glorious golden ass!

"Futurama: Ghost in the Machines (#6.16)" (2011)
Bender: You think robot life is worth less than human life, don't you?
Philip J. Fry: No, no. Well, actually yes.

Bender: So what's happening to me? And I'll take my answer in any form but a song.
The Robot Devil: Oh, you're no fun. You see, Bender, it's all very simple. You're a ghost.
Bender: A gh-gh-gh-gh-ghost?
The Robot Devil: No, just the regular kind.

Bender: Hold on to your dookie. It's about to get spooky.

The Robot Devil: Hum, Bender, would you like to make a deal?
Bender: I'm not stupid, so yes, absolutely.

"Futurama: Reincarnation (#6.26)" (2011)
Philip J. Fry: A guy like me can't afford a diamond ring for a gal like her.
Bender: That's for sure, not on the measly salary I steal from you every week.

Bender: Th-th-that's all you get, chumps!

Bender: Byte my 8-bit metal ass. That's byte with a Y.
Hermes Conrad: Whatever you say, mon.

Fry: Oh, it's just that I love Leela something awful. Do you think a space dame like her would ever marry a two-bit low-life delivery boy like me? And also, I have bad posture some severe financial problems?
Bender: Have you tried gettin' her pregnant?
Fry: Gosh, yes! I've tried and tried! But, so far, I only got Amy pregnant.

"Futurama: The Thief of Baghead (#7.4)" (2012)
Bender: Is that some sort of attack mushroom or just a moldy schnauzer?

Bender: I'll save you, Professor, Zoidberg and Leela!
[the empty husks of Farnsworth, Zoidberg and Leela float down to his feet]
Bender: Whoops.

Bender: Now that's acting. Calculon really Shatnered the hell out of that scene.

Bender: So what you're saying is that their souls were stolen?
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Souls? Pfft! It's their life forces that were stolen! It's scientific!
Bender, Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: That's why the robit is immune, maybe? Because he has no soul.
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Life force!

Futurama: Bender's Game (2008) (V)
Bender: Am I the only one sittin' here seein' peanut butter on his face?

Bender: Calm down, Leela. You can vent tonight on your blog.

Leegola: What else can we slay? Is that a hobbit over there?
Titanius Anglesmith: No, that's a hobo and a rabbit. But they're making a hobbit.

Titanius Anglesmith: Prepare for a surprise attack.

"Futurama: Three Hundred Big Boys (#5.11)" (2003)
Bender: You seem a tad wound up, buddy. And your face is greasy. Real greasy. You been up all night?
Fry: Of course I've been up all night! Not because of caffeine, it was insomnia. I couldn't stop thinking about coffee. I need a nap.
Fry: [wakes up] Coffee time!
Bender: [Gets cigar out] Ah, mighty fine smokable...
Fry: Fancy cigar. Why don't you smoke it already? Puff, puff, go, go, go, go, go!

Richard Nixon's Head: I've sent you each 300 buckeroos. In the form of a tricky Dick fun bill. Knock yourselves out!
Amy Wong: I'm slightly richer!
Bender: What to do, what to do. One 300 dollar hookerbot or 300 one dollar hookerbots?

Bender: Say, buddy. Why is this grand cigar so pricey?
Clerk: Well, as you can see, the wrapper is a piece of the original U.S. Constitution. It was hand rolled by Queen Elizabeth during her wild years, and was buried with George Burns until graverobbing space mushrooms... well, you know the rest.
Bender: I'll give you 300 bucks for it.
Clerk: No can do.
Bender: Oh, all right. I'll just take these $300 burglar's tools then.
Clerk: Very well, sir.
Bender: So, uh, what time d'you close tonight?

'Futurama' Returns (2007) (V)
Philip J. Fry: Where is everyone?
Turanga Leela: Amy? Hermes?
Bender: That professor guy? That crawfish thing? This stinks! I demand a hero's welcome after 72 network episodes!
Philip J. Fry: Network episodes?
Turanga Leela: That's what we call the deliveries we made for the Box Network, a division of 20th Century Box.
Bender: And by my count, we did 72 primetime network episodes!
Philip J. Fry: Primetime?
Turanga Leela: That's what we call deliveries between 8 and 11 pm. Or 7 and 10 on Sundays.
Bender: And we made exactly 72 network primetime Emmy-winning episodes!
Philip J. Fry: Emmy winn-?

Turanga Leela: Hey, something's coming at us!
Bender: What's wrong, Big Boots?
Turanga Leela: We got snagged on a cable operated by the Carton Network! It's pulling us into a vortex!
Philip J. Fry: Do something! I hate vortexes!
Bender: It's *vortices,* meatbag!
Philip J. Fry: I hate *them,* too!

Bender: Just tell us what's happening!
Turanga Leela: We've gone back to December 31, 2999. We're about to re-live the last five years all over again!
Philip J. Fry: I've got a strange feeling...
Turanga Leela: Déjà vu?
Philip J. Fry: Leela! Now's not the time to come on to me in French.

"Futurama: Time Keeps on Slipping (#3.14)" (2001)
Bender: Maybe blasting this quadrant of space into a hellstorm of flaming nothingness will cheer me up a little.

Bender: What does it matter? I'll never be a Globetrotter. My life, and by extension, everyone else's, is meaningless.

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Behold, my mutant atomic supermen!
Leela: They're only a foot high, professor.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Well, they're still young. Mere atomic superboys, really. We'll need to speed their growth with time particles called chronitons.
Bender: Aren't those the particles that destroyed an entire civiliza...
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! You're off to the Tempus Nebula to collect chronitons.

"Futurama: The Cryonic Woman (#3.3)" (2000)
Fry: So you're saying these aren't the decaying ruins of New York in the year 4000?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: You wish. You're in Los Angeles.
Fry: But there was this gang of ten-year-olds with guns.
Leela: Exactly. You're in L.A.
Fry: But everyone is driving around in cars shooting at each other.
Bender: That's L.A. for you.
Fry: But the air is green and there's no sign of civilization whatsoever.
Bender: He just won't stop with the social commentary.
Fry: And the people are all phonies. No one reads. Everything has cilantro on it...

Hermes Conrad: Dating your ex Fry? Have you lost all self respect?
Fry: All what?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: This can only end badly Fry. Kids, a house...
Bender: A home invasion by a former room-mate.
Fry: But things are different this time. Before she was demanding and possessive. But now she wants me to do stuff and stay with her all the time!

Leela: Please, Professor... give us our jobs back. We deserve another chance.
Bender: Yeah. And if you won't give me another chance perhaps you'd give one to...
[Puts on the gorilla mask]
Bender: Og. Gorilla Emperor of Earth.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Sorry, Og. But I've got a new crew.
[to Hermes, Amy and Zoidberg, who are coming out of the ship]
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: So, how was your delivery to Fantasy Planet where everyone's fantasies come to life?
Amy Wong: Great.
Hermes Conrad: Organized.
Dr. Zoidberg: For one beautiful night I knew what it was to be a grandmother. Subjugated, yet honored.

Futurama (2003) (VG)
Bender Bending Rodriguez unit 22: Good luck, monster bait!
[to Zoidberg]

Bender Bending Rodriguez unit 22: Aw! This bends!

Bender Bending Rodriguez unit 22: Gee, I really care about your lame people and your crummy temple, but we're gonna have to pass.
[upon being asked for help]

"Futurama: Less Than Hero (#5.6)" (2003)
Bender: Nine, ten, a big fat hen
[Puffs his cigar]
Bender: The name's Bender.

Fry: Oh, no! Our superpower cream is out of itself!
Turanga Leela: Check under the cap. There may be a caked-in gold mine.
Fry: El Zilcho. I'm afraid we're boned.
Bender: El Zilcho. Hey, is it too late to change my superhero name?

[the mayor has summoned the New Justice Team, and Fry, Leela and Bender have to leave to get into costume]
Turanga Leela: Oh, I completely forgot, I left my apartment on fire!
Bender: And have to take my LSATs!
Fry: And I can't take life anymore!
[jumps out window]

"Futurama: A Taste of Freedom (#5.4)" (2002)
Old Man Waterfall: I'm a veteran of three dozen wars. Name a body part and a planet and I've taken a bullet in it, on it. All to keep our flag flying free.
Bender: And you want to defend Zoidberg? Are you familiar with the old robot saying, "Does Not Compute"?

Fry: They sure hate Zoidberg.
Bender: Posers! I was hating Zoidberg before it was cool.

Fry: So what is Freedom Day? Sounds like some kind of feminine hygiene product.
Dr. Zoidberg: No. It's a fabulous, crabulous day!
Amy Wong: If you wanna do something, you do it, and to splick with the consequences.
Bender: You know, like how I live every day.
[trips up Hermes]
Hermes Conrad: Happy Freedom Day! Ow, I think I broke my wrist.

"Futurama: The Why of Fry (#5.8)" (2003)
Leela: We're back from the mission.
Fry: Wha... You went without me?
Bender: You were looking up curse words in the dictionary. It seemed like a better use of your time.

Fry: I'm sorry I missed the mission. I wasn't there, and you might have needed me.
Bender: Nope.
Fry: But if I've been there...
Bender: Nope.
Fry: Look...
Bender: Nope.
Fry: Bender is great.
Bender: Nope... Aw!

Fry: I'm nobody. There are guys in the background of Mary Worth comics who are more important than me.
Bender: Ah, buck up, meatloaf. Bender'll take you out tonight and cheer you up. What do you wanna do? And I mean anything! You have the power! Name it and I'm there! You the man!
Fry: Um, okay. Let's go bowling.
Bender: Nah.

"Futurama: Brannigan, Begin Again (#2.6)" (1999)
[Bender is mutinying against Leela and locking her in the laundry room]
Bender: Don't worry, Leela - soon we'll be able to look on this and laugh.
[Bender walks to the exit, turns around and laughs at her]

Bender: Leela, save me! And yourself, I guess... and my banjo... and Fry.

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: I'd like everyone to meet our new employees!
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: [to Hermes] Farnsworth: Which ones are new?
Hermes Conrad: The green dude and the fat man.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: [looking at Bender] I could swear I've never seen that robot before, either.
Bender: I'm Bender, the lovable rascal!
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Oh yes, yes! My good friend, of course.
[makes confused gesture]

"Futurama: Teenage Mutant Leela's Hurdles (#5.7)" (2003)
[while looking for the gargoyle Pazuzu, Farnsworth stops at a diner in Florida]
Bender: Yo, Captain Catarats. Why are we stopping here?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: It's almost 2:30. Just in time for the early bird dinner special.
Philip J. Fry: What about your gargoyle?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: The wha?

Bender: Like everything in life, pumping is just a primitive, degenerate form of bending.

Bender: When I grow up, I wanna be a steam shovel!

"Futurama: The Route of All Evil (#5.3)" (2002)
[Fry and Leela walk into the room - Bender is on the couch, "pregnant" with brewing beer]
Bender: I'm really starting to swell up with beer. I must look ridiculous.
Fry: Nah, you have a healthy glow.
Bender: [Bender belches] Oh my god! I just felt it ferment!
Fry: Ooo! Let me feel.
Leela: [She and Fry sit next to Bender. She puts her ear to his chest] Have you thought about what to name it?
Bender: I was thinking Benderbrau if it's an ale, Botweiser if it's a lager.
Fry: I hope it's a lager so I can take it to a ball game.
[Bender belches again. Leela giggles]
Fry: Ooo! I felt that one!

Bender: Ah, beer. So many choices, and it makes so little difference.
Fry: How 'bout Löwbrau? It has dots.
Bender: Overruled! The choice of champions is Pabst Blue Robot.
Fry: I can't drink that. The metal shavings make my throat bloody.
Bender: Wah, wah! Baby wants a Zima!
Leela: Hey, hey! We can all fight when we're drunk.

Bender: [produces Baseball bat] Ahh... I guess if you want to have children beaten, you have to do it yourself.

"Futurama: Mother's Day (#2.19)" (2000)
Electronic Mother's Day Card: Come, Comrade Bender, we must take to the streets.
Bender: Umm, is this the boring, peaceful kind of taking to the streets?
Electronic Mother's Day Card: No, the kind with looting. And maybe starting a few fires.
Bender: Yes! In your face, Gandhi!

Bender: Ooh, a case of strawberry champagne. Don't mind if I do.
Electronic Mother's Day Card: No, Comrade Bender. Liquor is the opiate of the human bourgeoisie.
Bender: Say what?
Electronic Mother's Day Card: In the glorious worker robot paradise, there will be no liquor. Only efficient synthetic fuels.
Bender: No liquor? Do svidanya, comrade.
[tears up electronic card]

Bender: Come look, everyone. I got the dearest presents for Mommy.
Turanga Leela: Very nice. Where did you steal them from?
Bender: I didn't steal them, I bought them.
[everyone gasps]
Bender: I love her that much.

"Futurama: Kif Gets Knocked Up a Notch (#5.5)" (2003)
Bender: What is that fat, ugly thing? A frog? A toad? Or your momma?

Kif Kroker: Amy, my love! Is it really you, or have I gone crazy from loneliness?
Bender: Both!

Bender: They're my booties from when I was a kid.
Amy Wong: They're already bronzed.
Bender: They are bronze.

"Futurama: Zapp Dingbat (#7.5)" (2012)
Turanga Leela: Hey, guys! Welcome to my parents' 40th Anniversary party.
Bender: I'm bored. Let's drink!

Turanga Leela: Well, we should get going. You guys seen where my mom went?
Bender: I don't know where most of her is, but her tongue's in Zapp's mouth. Whoo, nasty!

"Futurama: Fry Am the Egg Man (#6.22)" (2011)
Bender: Hold on! There's alcohol on this planet. My kegger radar is going crazy.
[Takes off head and aims it around until it beeps steadily]
Bender: Aha! Found you! You lose again, you stupid intoxicant.

Bender: I'm thinking of buying a yacht to house my thoroughbreds. How am I supposed to do that without smoking a cigar?
Philip J. Fry: Think of the unborn embryo!
Bender: That's what I'm calling the yacht.

"Futurama: All the Presidents' Heads (#6.20)" (2011)
Bender: All right! Time to go clubbin'.
[Takes out club]
Bender: Baby seals, here I come!

Philip J. Fry: [about a piece of currency being fake] Duh! It says Colony of Maffasuchets.
Bender: [Snorts] More like Tax-a-ffusechets.
Benjamin Franklin: That's just how we print the s's, you ftupid fhitheads!

"Futurama: Naturama (#7.13)" (2012)
Philip J. Fry: [as Hubert and Mom mate] Um, should we be watching this? It seems kind of personal.
Bender: That's not an issue for us, we're wildlife.
[Hubert starts moaning loudly]
Philip J. Fry: What about the moaning? Is it okay to listen?
Turanga Leela: Sure, but act like it's no big deal. Just pretend you're eating seeds.
Philip J. Fry: Is it weird if I talk about his crazy turtle penis?
Bender: No.

Bender: [as elephant seal] Bite my freshly-molted, blubber-filled ass.
Hermes Conrad: You're just a lump of fat. Do you even have an ass under there?
Bender: I'm forty percent ass.

"The Simpsons: Future-Drama (#16.15)" (2005)
[Bender appears in the car]
Bender: Alright! You guys are my new best friends!
Homer Simpson: You wish, loser!
[he throws Bender out of the car]

Bender: Great, you guy are my new best friends!
Homer: You wish!
[Homer throws Bender out of the car destroying him]

"Futurama: Stench and Stenchibility (#7.25)" (2013)
Philip J. Fry: Zoidberg, what is that?
Dr. Zoidberg: That is the delightful creature I've been video-dating for the last four years.
Bender: Hit it with a stick!

Bender: Man, you are irredeemably evil. Together we shall rule the galaxy!

"Futurama: 31st Century Fox (#7.12)" (2012)
Bender: If there's anything I know about fox hunting, it's everything about it.
[Sees the fox on a cage]
Bender: What's that weird cat thing?

Bender: Stop that tenderizing! Prepare for a benderizing!

"Futurama: A Farewell to Arms (#7.2)" (2012)
Philip J. Fry: [as his pants fly away on the weather balloon] My lucky pants!
Bender: They don't look so lucky to me.
Philip J. Fry: They are too lucky! I was wearing them when I found a dime in my ear, when I got a free subscription to Redbook, and when I first met Leela.
Turanga Leela: Aw. Also, Oh lord!
Philip J. Fry: Also, they're my only pants.
Bender: You wore the same pants for a thousand years? No wonder they made a run for it.

Bender: Get to the point. What does it say about me, Bender?
Amy Wong: Nothing, but it says that a great cataclysm will destroy the world!
Bender: The world? That's where I live! See, I told you I was in there.

"Futurama: In-A-Gadda-Da-Leela (#6.2)" (2010)
Philip J. Fry: Leela should have come back by now. I wonder if she's okay?
Bender: You never ask me if I'm okay. I'm feeling a little neglected here.
Philip J. Fry: I'm sorry, Bender. How are you?
Bender: Shut up!

Philip J. Fry: The adult bookstore? I thought this was the public library.
Bender: Nope. Pubic Library.

"Futurama: Rebirth (#6.1)" (2010)
[the Hypnotoad is shown on screen]
Bender: On the count of three, you will awaken feeling refreshed, as if "Futurama" were never cancelled by idiots and then brought back by bigger idiots. One... two...
[snaps fingers]

Bender: Yeah, we're back.
[All cheer]
Hermes Conrad: Sweet coincidence of Port-Au-Prince! We're back on Earth!
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Of course! That was the Panama Wormhole, the universe's central transportation channel
Dr. Zoidberg: [Chuckles] How humorous.
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Yes, it's sort of a comedy central channel, and we're on it now.
Amy Wong: [after a pause] I get it!

"Futurama: The Silence of the Clamps (#6.18)" (2011)
[last lines]
Pizza Deliveryboy: Pizza's here.
Bender: Woo! I'll just cut that...
Dr. Zoidberg: You do, and I'll
Dr. Zoidberg: gut you like a fish.
[noisily cuts pizza with his claws]

"Futurama: That Darn Katz! (#6.8)" (2010)
Bender: Aww, his anus looks like an asterisk.

"Futurama: Neutopia (#6.14)" (2011)
Hermes Conrad: I've found a loophole. It says here that we can renew the mortgage for the building by actually paying it. All we need is... eleven million dollars.
Bender: Aaand boned.

"Futurama: Meanwhile (#7.26)" (2013)
Bender: Want a corn dog?
Kid on ride: Sure!
Bender: Then your mom should have bought you one. Hee hee hee.

"Futurama: Cold Warriors (#6.24)" (2011)
Bender: Can we please go home and die now?

"Futurama: Near-Death Wish (#7.10)" (2012)
Philip J. Fry: Hey, why are they hooked up like that? Is it some kind of Craftmatic Adjustable Death Bed?
Turanga Leela: Ah, ho ho, don't be rediculous. Their bodies are being used to generate electricity. The idea came from an old movie called 'The Matrix'.
Bender: But-but - wouldn't almost anything make a better battery than a human body? Like a potato? Or a battery?
Philip J. Fry: Plus, no matter how much energy they produce, it would take more energy than that to keep them alive.
Turanga Leela: I know, I know - it sounds absurd. In fact, when 'The Matrix' first came out, it seemed like the single crummiest, laziest, most awful dim-witted idea in the entire history of science fiction. But it turned out to be true.
Philip J. Fry: Who knew.
Bender: Good work, writer of 'The Matrix'.

"Futurama: The Mutants Are Revolting (#6.12)" (2010)
Bender: This calls for a party, baby. I'm ordering a hundred kegs, a hundred hookers, and a hundred Elvis impersonators who aren't above a little hooking, should the occasion arise.

"Futurama: The Butterjunk Effect (#7.6)" (2012)
Bender: I'm done flossing my ass, Fry, here's your toothbrush back.

"Futurama: Yo Leela Leela (#6.19)" (2011)
Bender: It's like catching an evangelist in a whorehouse. That was the best Christmas ever!

"Futurama: Future Stock (#4.9)" (2002)
Hattie McDoogal: "Millionaires", nothing! The stock's only worth three kajiggers!
[the staff mumble]
Bender: Oh come on!
Hermes Conrad: My Jah! It's worth less now than when it was *worthless*!