Keith Mars
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Quotes for
Keith Mars (Character)
from "Veronica Mars" (2004)

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"Veronica Mars: Mars, Bars (#3.14)" (2007)
Keith: [Veronica is in jail] Please tell me you didn't help an accused murderer escape jail.
Veronica: Yo Pops, check it out. This girl ain't gonna be nobody's bitch. You better recognize.
Keith: [re: a fake tattoo] What's that on your arm?
Veronica: I've had some free time. And, no, I didn't help Josh escape - not intentionally. Turns out he's allergic to peanuts. His plan was to take advantage of my kindness.
Keith: That's gotta be the first time that's worked for anybody.
Veronica: [Cliff McCormack walks in] Clifford, something wrong?
Cliff McCormack: I've just remembered I need to return "Caged Heat" to the video store. You folks wanna hear the good news or the bad news first?
Keith: I'm gonna say the good news.
Cliff McCormack: Josh's cellmate and key witness to the Cookie Incident ate the evidence and, icing on the cake, blew a .21 on the breathalizer when they booked him. No way Lamb can get a conviction and he knows it.
Keith: That sounds like great news.
Cliff McCormack: But, he's gonna hold Veronica as long as he possibly can.
Keith: Can I get you anything, honey?
Veronica: Uh, couple cartons of smokes.
[Keith gives her a look]
Veronica: What, Dad, it's currency on the inside.
Keith: Any guess where I might find Josh?
Veronica: Mexico?
Keith: So you think he did it?
Veronica: I don't know. If he didn't, he sure panicked quickly.
Keith: That's what I thought too.
Cliff McCormack: Anyone wanna know what I think?
Cliff McCormack: Fine, I'll keep it to myself. I'm just saying, my entire day is spent going through my clients' lives. This kid, he's on the up and up.
Keith: Okay, I've got an appointment with Dean O'Dell's old assistant. I can't just put his murder case on hold.
[gives Veronica a look]
Veronica: What?
Keith: Just, I thought this sight would be more traumatic for me, but...

Keith: I need to see the sheriff.
Deputy Sacks: I don't know, Keith, he looks kind of busy.
Keith: Oh, that's something I gotta see.

Keith: Honey... why is there a pistol in the freezer?
Veronica: Because there's this guy, see, and I want to put him on ice.

Keith: Did you bug Hank Landry's phone?
Veronica: Wait, what?
Keith: He just came storming into the office, saying he found a bug in his cell phone, asking me if I planted it. I didn't. Did you?
Veronica: No.
[He stares hard at her]
Veronica: Really. Come on, dad.
[She draws a circle around her face with her hand]
Veronica: This is the face of truth.
Keith: Yeah, that played better in a different context. But, okay, I'm a sucker. I believe you. Word of advice: you might want to start looking for a new mentor.
Veronica: Wait. He suspected me?
Keith: Vigorously. Though he emphasised that it was my bad influence, that you're a sharp kid, just a bit misguided.
Veronica: The movie. He knew why I asked about Kiss Kiss Bang Bang.
Keith: You want to pick at his alibi, you should have asked him about the Clippers game that night. Men routinely accept the idea that women don't know sports. That's just a... mentoring sample, for if you're interested.

Deputy Sacks: We got the results on the keyboard you wanted.
Keith: You got prints off the dean's computer?
Sheriff Don Lamb: By all means, Sacks, tell me the forensics results in front of Neptune's favourite amateur crime-fighting duo.
Deputy Sacks: [Hesitates] I can't tell, Sheriff, are you being sarcastic...
Sheriff Don Lamb: Did you ID the prints or not, Sacks?

Veronica: I didn't help Josh escape, not intentionally. Turns out he's allergic to peanuts. His plan was to take advantage of my kindness.
Keith: That's gotta be the first time that's worked for anybody!

"Veronica Mars: Pilot (#1.1)" (2004)
Keith Mars: Say what you want about real cheese. I am a fan of the orange powder packet stuff.

Keith Mars: Who's your daddy?
Veronica Mars: I hate it when you say that.

Keith Mars: I nailed our bail jumper one hundred yards from Mexico... Twenty five hundred bucks. No sack dinners tonight. Tonight we eat, like the lower middle class to which we aspire. Fire up the 'bachie.

Keith: Tonight - we eat like the lower middle class to which we aspire!

Keith Mars: You know what, this is important. You remember this: I used to be cool.
Veronica Mars: When?
Keith Mars: '77. Trans-Am, Blue Oyster Cult in the 8-track, a foxy stacked blonde riding shotgun, racing for pink slips. Aw, wait a minute, I'm thinking of a Springsteen song. Scratch everything, I was never cool.
Veronica Mars: I don't know which bothers me more, "foxy" or "stacked"...

"Veronica Mars: The Rapes of Graff (#2.16)" (2006)
Sugar Jones: Is Keith here?
Veronica: Dad, your hooker's here.
Keith: Escort, honey.

Lamb: She's 18, that's legal.
Keith: Sounds like a swell campaign slogan for the next election.

Sugar Jones: So this guy offers me triple rate if I pick him up, and swap his briefcase.
Keith: So, who's the guy?
Sugar Jones: [looks in her purse] Let me see, I think I've got his birth certificate in here somewhere... No, he didn't say!

Keith: [Keith walks into a hotel room and Cliff is handcuffed to the headboard of a bed] So, can I ask you a question?
Cliff McCormack: She said her name was Daphne...
Keith: Oh, no no. How did you call me?
Cliff McCormack: Acrobatically. I might have pulled a hamstring...

Keith: Is that what the kids call motor-boatin'?
Cliff McCormack: I have a healthy zest for life. So sue me.

"Veronica Mars: Welcome Wagon (#3.1)" (2006)
[Keith is excited when his daughter tells him their vacation pictures were recovered]
Keith Mars: Hot dog!
Veronica Mars: Hot dog?
Keith Mars: It's an expression of excitement and enthusiasm. Joe and Frank Hardy and I used to say "Hot dog!" all the time, while we were waiting for the carhop to bring us our malteds at the drive-in.
Veronica Mars: Drive-in?
Keith Mars: I hate you.
Veronica Mars: You love me.
Keith Mars: Yeah, but it's all instinct.

Keith: [Keith is cleaning a gun] Sorry Vinnie, I have some business of my own.
Vinnie Van Lowe: A hit? I hear there's good money in that. How does one break in? Is there a union? Put in a good word for me.

Keith: Did you make any friends?
Veronica: Lord, no.
Keith: Enemies?
Veronica: [shrugging] Eh...
Keith: Well, if it is a day that ends in Y.

Keith Mars: Veronica, there are some things in life where you will have to defer to my age and experience. And that, sweet child of mine, is the Chrysler building.
Veronica Mars: Hmm... senility... that comes with age, too, right?
Keith Mars: I don't remember.

"Veronica Mars: Charlie Don't Surf (#3.4)" (2006)
Veronica Mars: Remember that case a couple years ago where that woman was impersonating her boss? How did you obtain the ATM photos that proved it?
Keith Mars: I know a guy, a representative of the bank. He needs to request a court order and once the court order is issued, it only takes about an hour to get the photos.
Veronica Mars: So, it's a piece of cake.
Keith Mars: A monkey with a friend who's a bank representative can do it.
Veronica Mars: So, Bubbles. You feel like doing me a solid? Hm?

Veronica Mars: Umm, did you trip and fall onto sandalwood, musk, and a hint of spicy citrus or is that cologne?
Keith Mars: It's aftershave. I'm going to traffic court.
Veronica Mars: Sexy traffic court?
Keith Mars: Hmm. Nice shoes. You change your major to Women's Studies?
Veronica Mars: Ha! Yuk it up, fancy pants.

Keith Mars: Is it possible your boyfriend's financial problems are just his champagne wishes and caviar dreams biting him on the ass?
Veronica Mars: One solid-gold foosball table and a couple of man-servants and suddenly he's spendy.

"Veronica Mars: Hi, Infidelity (#3.6)" (2006)
Veronica Mars: You're going on a date with a married woman.
Keith Mars: It's not a date. We saw a movie, had a drink, and talked.
Veronica Mars: Which is a date.

Keith Mars: When did crappy old shirts with stupid stuff on them become cool?
Veronica Mars: I don't know why I ask you these things.
Keith Mars: I don't know either frankly.

Keith Mars: It's great talking to someone for whom 'bogart' isn't a verb.

"Veronica Mars: Show Me the Monkey (#3.10)" (2007)
Veronica Mars: You should hire someone to do this.
Keith Mars: You're lucky I'm not a farmer, you'd be out plowing a field.

Veronica Mars: How did you find me? My cell phone is not on.
Keith Mars: Maybe I'll tell you someday.

Eli 'Weevil' Navarro: So, I came in at around seven. First, I thought he just had a bender and fell asleep at his desk, but then I saw blood... and the note.
Keith Mars: A note?
Eli 'Weevil' Navarro: Yeah, on the computer. He had a memo on the screen, saying, "Goodbye, cruel world zzzz." I guess his head fell on the Z. It's a shame, man. He was pretty cool... for a weird, old, white dude.

"Veronica Mars: Of Vice and Men (#3.7)" (2006)
Veronica Mars: Look, Dad. Do what you gotta do, OK? I've seen too much working here to ever be surprised again.
Keith Mars: I know you Veronica, you're not that jaded.
Veronica Mars: I didn't use to be. I had this one shining example, that gave me some faith.

Vinnie Van Lowe: Open aperture, full zoom from across the street. Steadiest hands in the biz.
Keith: Why are you here, Vinnie? Money?
Vinnie Van Lowe: The girl at the Fotomat used to call me the human tripod. Wait. That's something else.

"Veronica Mars: Spit & Eggs (#3.9)" (2006)
Keith Mars: Soup? You know how I feel about soup. It's a side dish.
Veronica Mars: There's a meat loaf in the oven.
Keith Mars: Now we're talking.

Veronica Mars: Going somewhere?
Keith Mars: Oh, very good number one daughter. You might make a detective yet.

"Veronica Mars: Papa's Cabin (#3.15)" (2007)
Keith Mars: I've known three men in your life, Mrs. O'Dell. Two are dead. The great state of California may see to the third.
Mindy O'Dell: How am I supposed to react to that?
Keith Mars: Reflexively.

Veronica: If you're wondering where I am, I'm hanging out outside a convenience store eating corn nuts and watching strippers.
Keith Mars: Are you doing drugs?
Veronica: No.
Keith Mars: Good.

"Veronica Mars: Un-American Graffiti (#3.16)" (2007)
Keith Mars: I just got off the phone with County. The kid's never going to walk again. Any idea what a nineteen-year-old was doing drinking in here?
Mr. Murphy: His ID said he was twenty-one.
Keith Mars: Yeah, I saw it. It also said he was six three, two twenty, and blond.

Keith Mars: A nineteen year old kid was drinking at a bar called "The Break" tonight with a gumball-level I.D. He stumbled out and a car hit him. Looks like he'll never walk again.
[reading an ad in the paper]
Keith Mars: Bucket O' Beer Bonanza? Do you have any idea if they're known for allowing underage drinking?
Veronica Mars: [scoffs] Famous for it, is more like it. It's nicknamed "The Cake" for how easy it is to get in, but most of the campus area bars are pretty lax.
[Keith glares at her]
Veronica Mars: From what I've heard. 'Cuz the only buckets I order come in original and extra-crispy.

"Veronica Mars: Normal Is the Watchword (#2.1)" (2005)
Keith Mars: What's up, honey?
Veronica Mars: Wallace is having a little trouble giving me a urine sample.
Keith Mars: Can't you talk on the phone and paint your nails like other girls?

Keith: So, senior year. How was your first day of school, honey?
Veronica: Great. I beat up a freshman, stole his lunch money and then skipped out after lunch.
Keith: What, no premarital sex?
Veronica: Oh, yeah, yes. But don't worry, Dad, I swear you're gonna like these guys.
Keith: That's my girl.

"Veronica Mars: Nobody Puts Baby in a Corner (#2.7)" (2005)
Keith: guess who got an invite to the police bachelor auction?
Veronica: Please say Veronica Mars. Please say Veronia Mars.

Keith: When you leave a sleepover early, I'm supposed to put a trench coat over my pajamas and come pick you up.
Veronica: Sorry, I drive now. And I'm not nine.
Keith: [Shaking his head] You'll always be nine to me. Going on thirty.

"Veronica Mars: Wichita Linebacker (#3.3)" (2006)
Keith Mars: [talking about Weevil] Didn't he get arrested for murder?
Veronica Mars: Assault.
Keith Mars: See? He's not even good at murder.

"Veronica Mars: Mars vs. Mars (#1.14)" (2005)
Keith Mars: Honey? If I were in trouble, I'd want you on my side.
Veronica Mars: Well, that's where I'd be.

"Veronica Mars: Nevermind the Buttocks (#2.19)" (2006)
Keith: Eli.
Weevil: Sheriff.

"Veronica Mars: Meet John Smith (#1.3)" (2004)
Keith: How was your date?
Veronica: Aah, you know. Lousy conversation but the sex was fantastic.
Keith: That's not funny.
Veronica: I don't know. I'm pretty sure it was...

"Veronica Mars: The Girl Next Door (#1.7)" (2004)
Veronica: Did you hear something last night?
Keith: What kind of something?
Veronica: Like a loud thump from upstairs
Keith: I don't know. But you know me, I can sleep through an earthquake. Why?
Veronica: I don't know. It sounded like a falling body. It really freaked me out.
Keith: A falling body?
Veronica: Yes, a falling body.
Keith: Would you describe the sound as "Hitchcockian"?
Veronica: I'm glad you're able to entertain yourself.
Keith: Oh, sweetie, don't sell yourself short. I find you completely entertaining.

"Veronica Mars: One Angry Veronica (#2.10)" (2005)
Keith Mars: It's not always easy doing the right thing.
Veronica: If that phrase isn't on the Mars-family crest it should be.

"Veronica Mars: Kanes and Abel's (#1.17)" (2005)
Keith: Guess who stopped by today.
Veronica: If you say Josh Hartnett, I'm going to be so bummed.
Keith: Clarence Wiedman. He's the head of security for Kane Software. And for an hour after he left I sat here wondering, what did I stumble on that has them so rattled that they'd send over their top guy. I wasn't sure what it was, but I was proud. Clearly I was making them nervous. Then it occurred to me, I didn't stumble on anything. I haven't touched the case in months. Nope, I'm not scaring the Kanes, my seventeen year old daughter is.

"Veronica Mars: My Mother, the Fiend (#2.9)" (2005)
Keith: Almost started without you; you'd have missed my chili surprise.
Veronica: You made chili?
Keith: Surprise.

"Veronica Mars: My Big Fat Greek Rush Week (#3.2)" (2006)
Keith: 'Sup?
Veronica: I'm not acknowledging that.

"Veronica Mars: Rashard and Wallace Go to White Castle (#2.12)" (2006)
Keith Mars: Veronica!
Veronica Mars: What?
Keith Mars: I believe the correct response is, how can I be of service, sir?

"Veronica Mars: Look Who's Stalking (#2.20)" (2006)
Veronica: Mrs. C. I trust you're well.
Kendall: Oh, well if it isn't Little Miss Teen Getaway. Your dad and I were just dealing with a little trouble.
Veronica: Like, trouble with a capital "T", that rhymes with "C", that stands for...
Keith: Veronica!
Veronica: What? I was going to say "cute."

"Veronica Mars: Postgame Mortem (#3.13)" (2007)
Keith Mars: [In a note] If you've eaten any of this breakfast, you now owe me. Invoices have to go out today. See you at the office.
Veronica Mars: And I always fall for it.

"Veronica Mars: Lord of the Pi's (#3.8)" (2006)
Veronica Mars: The park is closed. The walrus out front should have told you.
Keith Mars: Honey, stealthy, remember?
Veronica Mars: Right! Sorry.

Veronica Mars (2014)
Veronica Mars: So if we're to believe this police report, Weevil left the reunion, dropped off his foxy wife and his "most changed" trophy and, still wearing his dress shirt and slacks, teamed up with the motorcycle gang he left a decade ago to harass the richest divorcée in Southern California?
Keith Mars: Well, when you say it like that, I start to see some holes in it.

"Veronica Mars: President Evil (#3.5)" (2006)
Cyrus O'Dell: You're going to need to trace her call, right?
Keith Mars: Probably, yeah.
Cyrus O'Dell: How do you plan on keeping her on the line? I can say half a sentence and get her to yell at me for three hours.