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: I love my wife, but it's like living with a plague of locusts.
: You know why they call them Indians? Because Columbus thought he was in India. They're "Indians" because some white guy got lost.
: Come and see Herbie Stempel get thrown to the Columbia lions! Watch Charles Van Doren eat his first kosher meal in his life.
: You wanna be worshipped? Go to India and moo.
: And they love me for the same reason they used to hate me, because I'm the guy who knows everything.
: [referring to television
] That box is the biggest thing since Gutenberg invented the printing press, and I'm the biggest thing on it.
: Don't do this to me, it's humiliating. Enright
: For seventy grand, Herb, you can afford to be humiliated.
: I know what you're gonna accomplish, I just don't know what he's gonna accomplish. Herbie Stemple
: You want to know what? If I do nothing else I will convince them that Herbert Stemple knows what won the God-damned Academy Award for best God-damned picture of 1955; that's what I'm gonna accomplish.
: My mother wants to know why you only went for eight on the movies. Herbie Stemple
: Because my real expertise is pain-in-the-ass in-laws, all right?
[to a reporter outside the committee hearing
] Herbie Stemple
: You know what the problem with you bums is? You never leave a guy alone unless you're leaving him alone.
: Geritol. America's #1 tonic. Geritol, the fast-acting, high-potentcy tonic, that helps you feel... stronger... fast... presents the exciting quiz program..."Twenty-One." Brought to you by NBC, The National Broadcasting Company, broadcasting nationally coast to coast, from New York to Los Angeles, from Seattle to St. Petersburg... via a vast network of affiliates crisscrossing the country. Coming up next, "Twenty-One," starring master of ceremonies Jack Barry!
[music cues build dramatically
: Two players racing to score 21 points... each in a soundproof television studio, not knowing the other one's score... with $500 riding on each point... as they both play..."Twenty-One!"
[lively theme music plays
: And here's your host... Jack Barry!
[the audience applauds as Jack runs on to the stage and stands behind his podium
] Jack Barry
: [looking at us
] Good evening. I'm Jack Barry. Due to a series of ties, Herbert Stempel, our 29-year-old ex-G.I. college student, must play at $3,000 a point, which means that in a few brief minutes, he can either win as much as $100,000 - the most money won on television to date - or lose everything he's won in the last eight weeks.
[as Jack continues to speak, Herbert and his opponent wait to be introduced
] Stempel's opponent
: You nervous? Herbie Stemple
: [chuckles as he clean's his glasses
] It's only money. Jack Barry
: Isolated in their soundproof studios, neither player is aware of the other's score. I've been assured by our friends at the encyclopedia... that they've concocted some real brain-breakers this week, so we'll find out in the next 30 minutes... if the unstumpable Herbert Stempel can be stumped. Could I have the questions, please?
[a drumroll plays as the questions are handed to Jack by a stagehand
] Jack Barry
: Thank you, gentlemen. Remember the questions on "Twenty-One" are secured each week in a Manhattan bank vault 'til just before show time. So right now, let's meet Herbert Stempel and his challenger as Geritol, America's #1 tonic, presents "Twenty-One."
[a fanfare plays and the audience applauds as Herbert and his opponent make their entrances
: [offering rugelach
] Come on, they're a Jewish delicacy. Before Toby eats it. Toby Stempel
: I'm retaining water, for your information. Herbie Stemple
: You and the Grand Coulee Dam.
: Herb Stemple, you lead at this point by 18 to 11. The category is movies, how many points do you wish to try for? Herbie Stemple
: I'll try 3, three points. Jack Barry
: Which would give you 21 points if you guess right and you will be the winner again. Jack Barry
: [reads question
] Which motion picture won the Academy Award for 1955? Herbie Stemple
: [feigning nervousness and thinking
] 1955... Academy Award... Best Picture. Hmmm, you know... I don't remember.