John Steed
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Quotes for
John Steed (Character)
from "The Avengers" (1961)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
"The Avengers: The Girl from Auntie (#4.17)" (1966)
[Steed attempts to enter Ivanoff's hotel room by delivering a bound-and-gagged imitation Emma Peel to his doorstep]
Joseph Ivanoff: Who's there?
John Steed: Special delivery... perishables.

John Steed: What are you knitting?
Arkwright: A bungalow

John Steed: I'm to deliver this to Mrs. Emma Peel.
Georgie Price-Jones: Well, I'm Mrs. Emma Peel.
John Steed: Eh, a friend of yours, John Steed send it.
Georgie Price-Jones: Steed?
John Steed: A small fat man with a gray moustache.
Georgie Price-Jones: Oh, of course, now I remember.

Georgie Price-Jones: What are you doing?
John Steed: Looking for clues.
[rummages through some papers]
Georgie Price-Jones: Oh, I see. Clues!
[picks up a notebook and starts reading]
John Steed: [reading] Nine o'clock appointment with Auntie...
Georgie Price-Jones: Steed, listen to this: S1, K9, K2 tog toble eck.
John Steed: Well?
Georgie Price-Jones: Don't you see, it's a code. It seemed very clue-like.

John Steed: Six bodies in an hour and twenty minutes. What do you call that?
Georgie Price-Jones: A good first act.

John Steed: [there are four men lying unconscious on the floor] Do you know these gentlemen?
Aunt Hetty: What John, Paul, George and Fred? Well of course I know them. You can get up now, they're my favourite nephews. Absolutely my favourite.
Aunt Hetty: Nephews?
Aunt Hetty: Naturally. And I like to think that I am their favourite auntie.

John Steed: Do you recognize these?
[hands him a pair of knitting needles]
Arkwright: Do I? This is one of our special double O's, we had some stolen from the storeroom last week.
John Steed: Why would anyone want to steal them?
Arkwright: Industrial sabotage, put the whole schedule a week behind.

Georgie Price-Jones: [having just smashed a vase on Steed's head] Steed! I thought you were an old lady with a bale and knitting needles.
John Steed: They do say I take after granny.
Georgie Price-Jones: Are you all right?
John Steed: I should get my armoured hat on.

Receptionist: Exactly what kind of treasure can we obtain for you, Mr. ffitch?
John Steed: [posing as Wayne Peddyfeather ffitch] That is not for your Botticelli ears.

Old Lady: I'm collecting for the dog's home.
John Steed: A very worthy cause, please come in.
[leads her into his apartment]
John Steed: Our four legged friends need all the help they can get. Now what will it be, bones or cash?

Gregorie Auntie: [Steed hears a gun being cocked, manoeuvres in front of the Mona Lisa] Admiring the brushwork, Mr. ffitch?
John Steed: I thought you were less likely to shoot me standing in front of a Da Vinci.
John Steed: How right you are.

Georgie Price-Jones: What's so special about this Mrs. Emma Peel? You'd think she was Madame Currie and half a dozen others all rolled into one.
John Steed: Her vital statistics. Of the I.Q. variety. Hold that
[hands over a roll of bandages]
John Steed: She knows about cyphers, centered fuels, cybernetics and that's what's Ivanov is interested in.
Georgie Price-Jones: Well it just so happens that I nearly passed through college, I was going to specialise in -
John Steed: Excuse me...
[places a band aid over her mouth]

Emma Peel: [having finally escaped her oversized birdcage] And no cracks please about birds in gilded cages.
John Steed: As if I would.
Georgie Price-Jones: Are you alright? We've been so worried about you.
John Steed: Oh, Mrs. Emma Peel, meet, eh... Mrs. Emma Peel...
Emma Peel: [not particularly amused] How do you do?


The Avengers (1998)
Sir August de Winter: A man with an umbrella is a man praying for rain.
John Steed: And a man without one is a fool.

John Steed: So much for science, I'll stick to swordplay.

John Steed: Oh, just one thing...
Emma Peel: Good luck?
John Steed: Something like that.

John Steed: After all, according to your file, you're a psychopathic personality with schizophrenic delusions, suffering from recurring amnesia based on traumatic repression leading to outbursts of antisocial and violent behavior. Knight to king seven. Check.
Emma Peel: Is that really what you think of me?
John Steed: Well... just my type, Mrs. Peel.

John Steed: Mrs. Peel, you're needed.

Emma Peel: I suppose Mother warned you about women like me?
John Steed: Until now, I didn't know there were women like you.

[repeated line]
John Steed, Emma Peel: Tea?

[last lines]
Mother: [raising champagne glass] A toast; to a job well done.
Emma Peel: To a narrow escape.
Mother: Macaroon?
Emma Peel: [shaking her head to Mother,] Thank you, Steed.
John Steed: No, no. Thank you, Mrs. Peel.
[All drink champagne as camera zooms off roof top]

Techinian: [first lines - after negotiating gauntlet] Well done, Steed.
John Steed: My pleasure.
John Steed: But the nuns were a surprise.
Techinian: We try.

John Steed: Mrs. Peel, what kept you?
Emma Peel: The weather.


"The Avengers: The Town of No Return (#4.1)" (1965)
John Steed: [Mrs. Peel is practicing fencing moves] Not enough flexibility in the wrist... Weight on the wrong foot...
John Steed: [she turns, her sword finds Steed's ribs] Friendly advice...

John Steed: [during a friendly bout of fencing] We ought to get away... Down to the coast for a while.
Emma Peel: We?
[she turns round and Steeds slaps her on the behind with his sword]
John Steed: [they resume their swordfight] Why not? We can build sandcastles together.
Emma Peel: I refuse to carry your bucket and spade.

'Piggy' Warren: Ah, good evening, good evening. Sorry to have kept you waiting and welcome to the jolly old Gremlin. Well what'll it be, a jar or two of the jolly old splosh, what?
[laughs heartily]
John Steed: I'll have a large brandy, please. And how about you, Mrs... eh?
Emma Peel: Peel. No thank you, I don't think I ought to.
John Steed: Oh, come on, traveling companions and all that, we'll have one for the lady as well. And how about you, Mr. eh...
Smallwood: Smallwood. I'll have the same, thank you very much.
[chuckles]
'Piggy' Warren: Right. Three tots of Napoleon's ruin coming up.

Emma Peel: As for the sea breezes, well, I shall have to take a couple of reefs in my bedclothes tonight.
John Steed: We must be prepared to make concessions, my dear. Back to nature!
Emma Peel: Well, you might have warned me. I'd have packed my pot of woad.

John Steed: You stay there. Special experience to move without noise. Superior training. I can move like a cat... in carpet slippers.

Emma Peel: [opens door to hotel room] What happened to pussy-footed pussy?
John Steed: [comes into the room] Isn't it time you were in bed? You have to be up early for school tomorrow.

Emma Peel: Would the winner come to the unsaddling enclosure?
John Steed: [Steed finds Peel tied up with riding gear] All this is supposed to go on a horse, you know.

Emma Peel: [Steed is untying Emma] Ow! Tight girth!
John Steed: We'll have to cut down on the oats.

John Steed: Don't touch that, we may be in orbit.
Emma Peel: You of course quite a constellation.

John Steed: There's a whole army down here. And up top, they're still searching for us.
Emma Peel: I feel like the filling in a club sandwich.


"The Avengers: The Cybernauts (#4.3)" (1965)
Emma Peel: [bent over dead body] The position of the head. He's been hit from the front and yet there isn't a trace of bruising on the face.
John Steed: Conclusion, honorable lady?
Emma Peel: In-ku.
John Steed: Ink who?
Emma Peel: It's a karate blow. Delivered by an expert, it breaks the neck easier than a hangman's noose.
John Steed: Many in this country, experts?
Emma Peel: Very few. Barely a handful in the whole of Europe.

Tusamo: We have saying, Mr. Steed: in darkness, ceiling is always higher.
John Steed: Confucius?
Tusamo: Tusamo.

John Steed: As Tusamo might have said, we have a proverb: he who talks too much, forgets his listener.
Emma Peel: Son of Confucius?
John Steed: Steed.

Emma Peel: I must say, I can't wait to meet Oyama, 'the Tall Mountain'.
John Steed: What's he got that I haven't got?
Emma Peel: A hobby.
John Steed: Archeology, philately, knitting?
Emma Peel: Splitting doors.

John Steed: If I'm not back by eleven-thirty, I'll stay for breakfast.
Emma Peel: You don't eat breakfast.

John Steed: [seeing Benson for the first time, having just been knocked out by a Cybernaut] Is that another one? Looks almost human.

John Steed: And what's the end product? The perfect politician?
Dr. Clement Armstrong: Exactly. Government by automation.
John Steed: Sounds like an electronic dictatorship.
Dr. Clement Armstrong: It's the only solution.

John Steed: [Emma is under attack from a Cybernaut] Mrs. Peel, throw me the pen, the pen thrown it me.
[she obliges, the Cybernaut turns to follow the pen]
John Steed: It's a short wave device, works like a guided missile.
Emma Peel: Well get rid of it then!
John Steed: Don't worry, I will.
[turns corner to find Armstrong and another Cybernaut coming at him]
Dr. Clement Armstrong: That won't help you, Steed, this one has a brain of it's own.

John Steed: [solving crossword puzzle] It moves in the dark, it leaves no mark, it's as hard as steel. Nine down. Now what would that be, Mrs Peel?
Emma Peel: Cybernaut?

John Steed: [Emma offers Steed a pen after his pencil breaks] I don't hold with those newfangled things.


"The New Avengers: House of Cards (#1.2)" (1976)
John Steed: I never did tell you about my marriage, my one and only marriage. I married a job, I married a profession. I've been very faithful.

Purdey: As thought someone had taken the teddy bear out of your bed.
John Steed: I don't have a teddy bear in my bed.
Mike Gambit: He keeps it in a safe deposit, along with his other valuables.

Olga: And you're always making jokes.
John Steed: Make jokes, not war.
Olga: I thought it was 'make love, not war'.
John Steed: What a delightful idea!

John Steed: Remember when you're screaming, you're screaming for England.

John Steed: [to Olga] I feel deeply ashamed at hitting a woman. But you were unlucky, you came along when I needed to hit something.

John Steed: What are we whispering for?
Roland: There.
[indicates two roses tied together with a string]
Roland: They're mating.
John Steed: What, right out here in the open? Very permissive of them.

Purdey: Didn't I tell you? My father's a bishop. He'll track it down in no time.
[takes pictures from Steed, moves to exit]
John Steed: Purdey?
[she turns at the door]
John Steed: You said that your father was shot as a spy ten years ago.
Purdey: That's before he became a bishop.
[opens door and leaves]
Purdey: Purdey?
[she sticks her head back into the room]
Purdey: Before?
Purdey: Before my father became a bishop. My mother remarried.

Purdey: Well, it's like finding out Buckingham Palace has been leased for Chinese.
John Steed: A mixed metaphor, but I get the point.

Jo: [looking at three framed pictures displayed in Steeds' home] Who are these?
John Steed: Oh, Just some fillies I've toyed with.
Jo: Oh...
[picks up picture of Cathy Gale]
Jo: She's magnificent.
John Steed: [pouring a drink] Yes, beautiful. We went through some tricky situations together. Faithful. Reliable.
Jo: [puts down first picture, touches the second, Emma Peel] And this one?
John Steed: Well, very spirited and very special. Fantastic creature. Had to take a whip to her, though, sometimes.
Jo: [touches the third picture, Tara King] And the other one?
John Steed: [walking slowly towards Jo] Excellent. Great action. But liked her oats too much. I sold her to an Arab prince. I think he eventually had to shoot her."
Jo: Shoot her?
John Steed: [grinning] Oh, I thought you meant...
Jo: Oh!
John Steed: [moves over to another three framed pictures, of horses] I thought you were referring to these...


"The Avengers: Death Dispatch (#2.13)" (1962)
Catherine Gale: By the way, eh where'd you get that lipstick?
John Steed: Heh. It was around.
Catherine Gale: Was she around too?
John Steed: Yeah, very round.

Catherine Gale: [on phone] I feel refreshed, revived and revarnished.
John Steed: [on other line] And respectable?
Catherine Gale: What do you mean by that?
John Steed: I mean, are you decent?

John Steed: [picks up phone] Room service, please.
Catherine Gale: Shouldn't I be doing that?
John Steed: You haven't got a deep enough voice.

John Steed: Yeah, that's why I'm being a very careless courier who prefers the company of attractive widows to diplomatic bags.
Catherine Gale: [a bit insulted] Thank you.

John Steed: It must have been done by mirrors!
Catherine Gale: Not the one you were watching, apparently.

John Steed: [to Cathy, on phone] Stay there till I join you.
Travers: You will not leave this consulate.
John Steed: Oh, shut up.
Catherine Gale: [on other line] What?
John Steed: S- eh, eh, it wasn't you.

John Steed: So now we know who...
Catherine Gale: And what. Señor Rosas wanted the schedule of the Washington envoy's visit.
John Steed: But we still don't know why.

Travers: Eh, Stead, isn't it?
John Steed: Steed. S, T, double E, D.
Travers: Oh, not the Steed who used to play for Worcester?
John Steed: No, I'm afraid not.
Travers: No, I didn't think it could be.

John Steed: [Steed phones Cathy while she is half-dressed] Are you decent?
Catherine Gale: I shall be by the time you get here
John Steed: [Steed quickly says with excitement] I'm on my way now!


"The Avengers: Too Many Christmas Trees (#4.13)" (1965)
Emma Peel: [Mrs. Peel is helping Steed open his Christmas cards] "Best wishes for the future - Cathy"
John Steed: Mrs. Gale! Ah, how nice of her to remember me. What can she be doing in Fort Knox?

Emma Peel: [Emma is admiring an antique bed] You know, I've always rather fancied myself in one of these.
John Steed: So have I...
Emma Peel: Hmm?
John Steed: I mean, I have too.

Emma Peel: I warn you, I'm here collecting for Christmas charity and I intend to separate you from at least fifty guineas.
John Steed: Double it if you'll make the voce a little more sotto.
[sighs]
John Steed: just an octave or two...

John Steed: [shouting to be heard over his electric razor] It wasn't a party, just a quiet dinner with an old friend.
Emma Peel: Blonde, brunette or redhead?
John Steed: Shiny pink. Rear Admiral Keavers. Bald as a baby's elbow.

John Steed: Secrets have been getting into the wrong hands.
Emma Peel: And you think he may be responsible?
John Steed: I'm certain he's responsible, because the secrets that have been leaking out have only been entrusted to two people, him and me. I know it isn't me.

John Steed: Give me a hand, will you?
Emma Peel: Hm, I love opening other people's cards.

Jeremy Wade: Mr. Steed. I trust you found your way down here alright?
John Steed: Instinctively.

John Steed: It was Teasle's idea.
Emma Peel: Teasle?
John Steed: Security Intelligence Psychiatric Devision. Where is he now, by the way?
[singing]
John Steed: Grean grow the rushes!
Emma Peel: I knocked him out.
John Steed: Oh, the War Office won't like that.


"The Avengers: Dead Man's Treasure (#6.4)" (1967)
Emma Peel: I've just come from an Embassy Junket.
John Steed: The rattle of ambassadorial decorations, the drone of speeches...
Emma Peel: Hmm. All proceeding at the pace of an infirm, gravely debilitated, very old snail.

Emma Peel: Why the midnight vigil?
John Steed: I'm expecting Bobby Danvers.
Emma Peel: Courier? What's he couriering?
John Steed: Top Secret papers from you know where.
Emma Peel: Hot stuff?
John Steed: I've laid out my asbestos gloves.

John Steed: [admiring Benstead's race car] What a beauty!
Sir George Benstead: [admiring Mrs. Peel] Oh, I do agree!
John Steed: Marvelous chassis.
Sir George Benstead: Well, I wouldn't be quite so bold as to say that, but, eh...
John Steed: Her suspension's pretty complex, too.
Sir George Benstead: Eh?

Sir George Benstead: Of course I never married. Went into my cars instead. Distinct advantages...
John Steed: You can switch a car off.

John Steed: It's a short skirt! Eh, I mean a short cut.

Penelope Blaine: Yes, I've always been fascinated by men of action. Men who get up and go!
John Steed: Sounds as though most of them got up and went.

Penelope Blaine: Ooh, be careful. I don't want to lose you too.
John Steed: You're right. Lets just stay good friends.

John Steed: [shouting] You cant have economy in silence!


"The Avengers: The Charmers (#3.23)" (1964)
John Steed: Alas, poor George.
Catherine Gale: You knew him?
John Steed: I knew him well, Georgie Vinkel, he's one of their top agents. It's funny, he's the second one they've bumped off this month.

John Steed: Oh, why do you want to kill me? I always thought we were the best of enemies.
Martin: You know why. Because of Vinkel...
John Steed: Oh, good old Georgie Vinkel. Yes, I was reading about him in the paper, poor fellow.
[thinks for a moment]
John Steed: You don't think that I did it?
Martin: Who else?
John Steed: But that's impossible, he was killed with a foil, my weapon is a sabre.

Martin: So you didn't kill Vinkel.
John Steed: No, I haven't killed anyone all week.

John Steed: Look, I thought you'd grasp at the chance. Chance of working cheek by jowl with Martin.
Catherine Gale: My cheek is going nowhere near his jowl.
John Steed: Now Mrs. Jowl, look - Mrs Gale, look, this is a job of work, I need you, you can't let me down now.

John Steed: Where did you learn your job?
Kim Lawrence: School of hard knocks.

John Steed: [to Kim Lawrence] Drawing on your bumper experience of bodies, do you think you could help me over Martins body?

John Steed: Will you have a drink?
Kim Lawrence: Not before sundown. Of course, you could draw the curtains...

John Steed: Now as soon as the lights go out, you make a dash for the door. Keep going whatever happens, and don't stop for me.
Kim Lawrence: I won't even slow down to a trot for you.


"The Avengers: Dial a Deadly Number (#4.10)" (1965)
John Steed: [murmuring over Mrs. Peel's shoulder during a private wine-tasting] Agreeable, well-rounded, a little on the flinty side.

Emma Peel: [referring to Steed's watch] That's new.
John Steed: Legacy from my uncle.
Emma Peel: Pitty it's dented.
John Steed: Battle of the Somme, 1916.
Emma Peel: German bullet?
John Steed: Canadian mule.

Henry Boardman: Will you take sherry and biscuits with me?
John Steed: Thank you.

Frederick Yuill: Eh, can I offer you some Sherry and...
John Steed: Sherry and Bisquits? Thank you.
Frederick Yuill: [pushes button on intercom] Suzanne, send Myers in with some Sherry and Bisquits.

John Steed: What's the Blue Chip Special when it's at home?
Waiter: Oh, that's one layer of delicious prawns, one of scrambled eggs, mayonaise and lightly toasted rye bread. I can recommend it, sir.
John Steed: Splendid, at least one of us will enjoy it.

John Harvey: Eh, Mrs. Peel is another client of us, from... Barbados.
John Steed: Recently?
Emma Peel: I arrived last week.
John Steed: You surprise me.
Emma Peel: Why is that?
Emma Peel: So little tan.
John Steed: Ah... The rainy season.
Emma Peel: Of course.

John Steed: A far cry from Sherry and Biscuits.

Emma Peel: What do you make of the Boardmans?
John Steed: Him: bluff, concervative, die-hard traditional.
Emma Peel: Square.
John Steed: Exactly.
Emma Peel: And her?
John Steed: Attractive, intelligent, expensive.
Emma Peel: Cold as ice.
John Steed: And promiscuous.
Emma Peel: Promiscuous?
John Steed: Beyond that my lips are sealed. A true gentleman doesn't, eh...
Emma Peel: A true gentleman doesn't know of a lady's promiscuity.


"The Avengers: Return of the Cybernauts (#6.1)" (1967)
Emma Peel: [referring to 'A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man] A man doesn't have to be handsome to be attractive. There's a sort of ugliness for it's own sake. And if you look closely, you'll find a sense of humour. And the eyes are kind.
John Steed: It hasn't got any eyes.

John Steed: Sorry to break up your evening.
Paul Beresford: There'll be another one.
John Steed: Good night, Paul.
Paul Beresford: Good night, Steed and good luck.
John Steed: Thank you.
Emma Peel: Good night, Paul.
Paul Beresford: Surely Steed can handle this alone?
Emma Peel: He could, but I mustn't him find out.

Emma Peel: Are you coming up?
John Steed: Now is not the time for a glass of claret, not even a '29. No, I think I'll stay here.

Rosie: I expect there'll be hundreds of pictures.
John Steed: Eh?
Rosie: In the papers, pictures of me. 'Ravishing blond beauty defends her honour to the last'. Well I would have done. Have I got time to change? Before the photographers arive. I've got a super bikini. It's ever so revealing, Do you know I've nearly been arrested twice wearing it?

Emma Peel: How the head?
John Steed: What head? I'm numb from ear to ear.
Emma Peel: Never tangle with a Cybernaut.
John Steed: Tangle? I was almost decapitated.
[winces in pain]
Emma Peel: Well, this ice should...
John Steed: Should be in a glass with a large whiskey wrapped around it.
Emma Peel: All right...
John Steed: [moans as he gets up] Ah well, it's part of the great tradition: unless one's head is in two separate halves... hah, the show must go on.

John Steed: Oh there's an old saying: three's a crowd. Of course there's equally an old saying: eh, safety in numbers.

Paul Beresford: No ordinary watch, Mr. Steed. It controls the will. The entire nervous system.
John Steed: But does it keep good time?

John Steed: [trying to fix Emma's toaster, it explodes and shoots toast through the ceiling] That's the first thing Great Britain's ever got into orbit.


"The New Avengers: The Eagle's Nest (#1.1)" (1976)
John Steed: I want Purdey.
Mike Gambit: Who doesn't?

John Steed: [Purdey has just knocked out 4 Nazis with high kicks] Where did you learn that, the Royal Marines?
Purdey: [two Nazi's get up, Purdey knocks them down with another couple of kicks] The Royal Ballet, they threw me out.
John Steed: [one Nazi casts a fishing line at Steed, who grabs it and pulls the man against a pillar] What did you do, maim the leading man in his pas de deux?
Purdey: Too tall.

John Steed: [pointing a gun at four Nazi's, two of whom are armed with poisoned fishing rods] I abhor violence. And loud gunshots make me blink.

Purdey: [Purdey & Steed are locked up in seperate cells] Steed, I want to confess...
John Steed: [dresses as a monk] The habit was just a disguise.
Purdey: I don't really think you're like St. Paul's Cathedral.
John Steed: What?
Purdey: Gambit used to think you were old fashioned. But I said, suppose you are? So is St. Pauls, and you've both survived a very long time.

John Steed: [having been discovered amongst a group of Nazi's chanting Sieg Heil] Rule Britannia?

Mike Gambit: Any lead on who clobbered you?
John Steed: A black Mercedes.

John Steed: [about Purdey's lipstick] What a pretty shade of pink.
Purdey: [a bit miffed] Pink! It's called 'sins of youth'.
John Steed: That's not a colour, it's an accusation.

Nazi Corporal: You are to be executed immediately.
John Steed: Well, thank goodness you broke it to me gently.


"The Avengers: Silent Dust (#4.14)" (1965)
John Steed: [Peel is steering a gondola, Steed is relaxing in it under a woman's umbrella] Tired?
Emma Peel: [she places the rowing ore firmly in the ground] Exhausted.
John Steed: No stamina.
Emma Peel: [sits down next to him] No comment.
John Steed: I know just how you feel.
Emma Peel: How? How would you know?

John Steed: [taking a sip] Ah, I like a wine that bites back.

John Steed: [looking through Quince's glasses] Cut off in mid-warble?
Emma Peel: I haven't heard from him since.

John Steed: By the way, how's your connection with industrial science?
Emma Peel: Well oiled.

John Steed: [waking up from a dream in which Emma was a cowboy with a moustache] I prefer you clean shaven.

John Steed: What a nice gun.
Peter Omrod: Should be. Wheaterby's.
John Steed: I've got it's brother, only with a walnut stock.
John Steed: [grabs a gun off the wall] Better use them while we can, hadn't we?
Peter Omrod: What do you mean?
John Steed: Birds are getting scarcer minute by minute.
Peter Omrod: I hadn't heard?
John Steed: Oh, you'd better ask your gamekeeper. Mellors?
[loads cartridge into gun]
John Steed: He mistook me for a partridge. Seriously ruffled my, eh, wing feathers.
[also loads his gun]
Peter Omrod: Oh, I must speak to him. I must tell him to be a little more...
John Steed: Accurate?
[cocks gun]
Peter Omrod: Careful.
[cocks gun]

Emma Peel: [about to lift off in a hot air balloon] Are you sure you know how to control one of these things, Steed?
John Steed: Absolutely, my dear, nothing to worry about. Just a question of throwing ballast overboard.
Emma Peel: And what happens when we run out of ballast?


"The Avengers: The Positive Negative Man (#6.6)" (1967)
[Steed rescues Mrs. Peel, who is wrapped from head to toe in tin foil]
John Steed: Mrs. Peel! I'd recognize those eyes anywhere. I knew you had sterling qualities but bright silver!

John Steed: What was all that about? You didn't trip, we don't have a dinner engagement, and to plumb the depths of utter banality with 'I don't usually fall for strangers'.
Emma Peel: It was a corny situation calling for corny measures.

John Steed: [Steed is magnetically attached to his car, Emma tries to help and becomes attached to him] Don't fight it Mrs. Peel. We're inseparable.

Cynthia Wentworth-Howe: I'm Cynthia Wentworth-Howe, Top Hush Secretary to the Minister.
John Steed: How do you do?
Emma Peel: Top Hush?
Cynthia Wentworth-Howe: We assistants come in four grades: 'Confidential', 'Secret', 'Most Secret' and 'Top Hush'.
John Steed: Eh, you've reached the top of your profession, then?
Cynthia Wentworth-Howe: Not quite. My ultimate ambition is to achieve the special category of 'Button Lip', the pinnacle of secrecy. Not a single syllable passed on before being vetted, examined, coded and cleared.

John Steed: You don't happen to be carrying around a large brandy, do you?
Emma Peel: No, I'm traveling light.

Cynthia Wentworth-Howe: All the confidential war records are kept here.
John Steed: Have there been many confidential wars?

John Steed: [having entered through the window] Forgive the unconventional entrance. It's basic traning. Old habbits die hard, eh?


"The Avengers: Small Game for Big Hunters (#4.16)" (1966)
John Steed: I once shot a bull-elephant myself.
Tropical Outfitter: Really? What did you use?
John Steed: F8 at 500 for a second and a small roll of film.

John Steed: [a second man has been struck down by the mysterious sleeping sickness] Well, I've heard of forty winks, but this is ridiculous.

John Steed: Had a spot of bother with the natives. A full blown savage with a very unfriendly disposition.
Emma Peel: Oh come now, Steed.
John Steed: It's the truth, he was wearing war paint. Sacrificial knife, the lot. He practically ruined my bowler hat.
[hands hat to Emma]
John Steed: Didn't do this must good either.
[indicating a folder of papers]
Emma Peel: What's missing?
John Steed: Colonel Rawling's file. Fortunately he overlooked my cucumber sandwiches.
Emma Peel: Oh, good.
Emma Peel: [takes a sandwich from Steed and then a bite] Hmm.
John Steed: [has a nibble as well] Hmm.

John Steed: [to Trent] I'll show you my gratitude; if I hear of anyone being pestered by a bull-elephant I'll let you know, alright?

Simon Trent: A drink for you, Colonel?
Colonel Rawlings: Well, yeah, I'm as dry as a bone.
Simon Trent: [to Steed] Mayor?
Colonel Rawlings: Ah, it's on my mess bill. What's your tickle?
John Steed: A brandy, sir.
Colonel Rawlings: In this heat? You'll lacerate your liver! Aah! Keep it long and cool.
John Steed: With a touch of soda.
[the Colonel slaps Steed on the shoulder]

Emma Peel: [on phone] Steed, where are you?
John Steed: Deep in wildest Kalaya.

Emma Peel: [picking up a metal carrying case] What's in this, anyway? the crown jewels?
John Steed: Creepy, crawly germ laden flies. Let's get back to the old country.


"The Avengers: A Sense of History (#4.24)" (1966)
Emma Peel: [on Steed's sword] That looks a bit droopy.
John Steed: Wait 'til it's challenged.

Richard Carlyon: There you are, you see, it gets progressively more hysterical. It is not an economic thesis, it's a political document. And it reeks of ideals and dogma.
John Steed: With the faintest whiff of jackboots.
Richard Carlyon: Good heavens.

Emma Peel: What on earth are you doing here anyway, Steed?
John Steed: Advanced research into the co-relationship of the lesser-crested newt and Mrs. Sybil Peabody.
Emma Peel: Mrs. Sybil Peabody?
John Steed: An aunt of mine. Drinks like a fish.

John Steed: Last night you severely damaged my bowler hat. Incidentally, you nearly killed me. Why?

Richard Carlyon: It's not that I'm frightened, you know, it's not that at all.
John Steed: No, no.
Richard Carlyon: To tell you the truth, I'm absolutely petrified. I mean, I'm not cut out for this sort of stuff, murder, mayhem, lurkings after dark, attacks by young savages, not to mention the damp!
John Steed: The damp?
Richard Carlyon: Yes... yes, the... always gets me here.
[gestures to a place on his back but hits Steed's instead]
John Steed: Ooh!
Richard Carlyon: Oh, I, I do beg your pardon, I thought that was me. Old wound you know.
John Steed: Really? German bullet, World War Two?
Richard Carlyon: Umbrella. January sales. Darn stupid woman.

Emma Peel: Steed. So you've finally decided on your costume. The Sheriff of, eh... Bashful Ben?
John Steed: Nottingham.
Emma Peel: Well, I hate to mention, in all the books I've read, the Sheriff is a baddy.
John Steed: Beneath this doublet beats a generous heart.

John Steed: [Steed's rubber sword is bent by his adversary] Mrs. Peel was right!


"The New Avengers: To Catch a Rat (#1.7)" (1976)
John Steed: [having received a message from 'the Flyer'] The Flyer?
Mike Gambit: Sounds like the fifties and sixties. The flyer, the butcher, the baker.
Purdey: The candlestick maker.
Mike Gambit: You used a lot of funny names in those days, didn't you?
John Steed: They weren't funny. I was the New Doberman.
Mike Gambit: Woof woof.
Purdey: That's an awful lot of morse.
John Steed: They abbreviated it. Cut it short after the D. The New D.
Purdey: The nudie?

Mike Gambit: [looking through old files] Steed? You tell me about this incident in Istanbul. Devilish clever use of the garlic sausage.
John Steed: You're supposed to be spying on them, not me!

John Steed: They went to catch a flyer, they caught a catcher.

John Steed: You were sipping brandy? Like this?
[pours himself a drink]
Grant: Yes. I say, Steed, what is it?
John Steed: Excelent. Fine Napoleon, I facet.

John Steed: You see my position, minister, I have to suspect everyone. My recurring nightmare is that one day I might even have to arrest myself.
Minister Quaintance: I sincerely hope not.

Irwin Gunner: Who's that?
John Steed: I know I'm seventeen years late, but welcome back, Gunner.


"The Avengers: Room Without a View (#4.15)" (1966)
Varnals: The ministry told me to expect you, Steed, but they gave me no instructions about you, Mrs. Peel.
John Steed: Perhaps they wanted to put your innitiative to the test. Not to worry, I'll be responsible for Mata Hari.
Varnals: Just the same, I think I should ring the minister to insure -
John Steed: It won't do you any good, old boy, he'll be on the golf course by now.
Varnals: Well, the junior minister then.
John Steed: Out for his early morning ride.
Varnals: Well, the senior secretary.
John Steed: Oh, you'll get him alright, but we must take this situation serously...

John Steed: [to Pasold] Fascinating game, chess. Pitting of wits, strategy, point counterpoint, rather like war. What's your interest in Dr. Cullen?

John Steed: Have you seen Cullen?
Leonard Martin Pasold: Seen, signed and delivered.
John Steed: Cheers.
[holds up glass]
John Steed: You've beat me to it by a day. I had a message from my New York office late last night: sign Cullen. But you got there first. Kidnapped. Right under my nose.
Leonard Martin Pasold: That's how the prune wrinkles.

John Steed: [posing as M. Gourmet] Mr. Chessman, forgive me, it is a little hot here, don't you think?
Max Chessman: Look at me. One of nature's jokes. A fat man with thin blood. I have to keep the temperature to steady 80 degrees.

John Steed: [Steed, dressed as a waiter, finds Mrs. Peel locked in a cell] You rang, madam?
Emma Peel: [appears in small window in the door] Yes. I want to change my room, there's a honeymoon couple next door.

Emma Peel: [after a fight] Hard labour?
John Steed: You should see the other fellow.


"The New Avengers: The Midas Touch (#1.4)" (1976)
John Steed: Pity I have to go look for a fat man. I had something altogether thinner in mind.
[glances out the window to his latest girlfriend and horse]

Hong Kong Harry: That's all I know, Steed, I promise. I, I swear to you on my mother's grave.
John Steed: Harry, you couldn't even find your mother's grave. You sold it for development years ago.

Mike Gambit: The man that shot our fat -
[corrects himself]
Mike Gambit: thin friend, I found that on him.
[hands Steeds a party invitation]
John Steed: What happened to him?
Purdey: He sort of fell for me.
Mike Gambit: From a great hight.
John Steed: Hm.
Mike Gambit: Just hm?
John Steed: Or if you prefer, hm hm.
Mike Gambit: Two hm's?
Purdey: Must be better than one hm.
[hands Gambit a drink]
John Steed: Now is the time for all good men...
[hands the invitation back to Gambit]
Mike Gambit: [Purdey takes Gambits drink so his hand is free to receive back the card] To come to the aid of the party.
[Hong Kong Harry sighs loudly]

Sing: Thank you again, Mr. Steed. May you have the blessing of many sons.
John Steed: Well due to the fact that I'm not married, many sons might prove rather an embarrassment. Of course you were prepared to become personally involved in the event?

John Steed: You should take up motor racing.
Mike Gambit: I did. Lamont, Spa, Montzen, Daytona... I crashed at them all.

John Steed: If you're thinking of bestowing a reward, your highness, eh... could you possibly make it three?


"The Avengers: The Correct Way to Kill (#5.9)" (1967)
Ivan: I'm going to kill you.
John Steed: Why on earth should you want to do that? I thought we were the best of enemies.

John Steed: Mrs. Peel will vouch for it, I haven't killed anyone all week.

John Steed: How I envy you working cheek by jowl with Ivan.
Emma Peel: I can assure you my cheek's going to be nowhere near his jowl.

Emma Peel: Do you think they're having a purge?
John Steed: Well if they are, I wish they'd, eh...
Emma Peel: Do it in their own country? You said that.
John Steed: It's unethical, just not cricket.
Emma Peel: You said that too.
John Steed: We need a drink.
Emma Peel: That, you haven't said.

Nutski: [Ivan has led Steed into Nutski's secret hideout] Steed! Steed, my dear fellow!
John Steed: Hello Nutski.
Nutski: What a delightful surprise. What a pleasure to see you again.
[to Ivan]
Nutski: I told you to kill him!

Emma Peel: I've handed in my notice.
John Steed: Oh?
Emma Peel: The other side was cheating. Nutski had no intention of seriously honouring the truce.
John Steed: Well, I'm not surpsided, I never thought he would.


"The Avengers: Dead on Course (#2.14)" (1962)
Dr. Martin King: [on phone] Did you know that we've just found another victim?
John Steed: [on other line] Hm?
Dr. Martin King: The air hostess, and she's still alive.
John Steed: Has she said anything?
Dr. Martin King: No, she's still unconcious, she may not come round for several hours...
John Steed: [interrupting] Well, I'm counting on you to keep her alive.
Dr. Martin King: Oh, thanks for reminding me.

[Steed describes Dr. King to a nun]
John Steed: Dr. King, where can I find him? Oh, eh, he's sort of medium height... a man.

John Steed: How do you do, any luck?
Hughes: Luck doesn't come in to my calculations, Mr. Steed.

John Steed: Isn't that unusual?
Hughes: Every crash is unusual. That's why we have to hold an inquiry.

Vincent O'Brien: I think we can squeeze another drop out of this one, sir.
[refills Steed's glass]
John Steed: Ah, you're a bad boy. Eh, eh!
John Steed: Heh heh. I suppose I am. But you know, he only pays me four pound a week. Four pound! And I'm working every hour that God ever made.

John Steed: What fellow?
Vincent O'Brien: Oh, well, now sir, I promised Michael Joyce on my mother's grave I-I'd not say a word about this.
John Steed: On your mother's grave?
Vincent O'Brien: Yes!
John Steed: How much will it take to break a promise?
[holds up a paper bill]
Vincent O'Brien: Oh, well, now, sir... seeing as, as how me mother isn't actually dead yet...


"The Avengers: Concerto (#3.24)" (1964)
Zalenko: [Cathy arrives with Steed in tow] But I thought the British Cultural Council was only sending one person.
Catherine Gale: Eh...
John Steed: Mrs. Gale and I met on the doorstep.

Zalenko: I don't expect you to trust me, Mr. Steed, but I think you must agree my reconstruction is logical.
John Steed: I remember you got top marks at college for deduction.

Zalenko: I must congratulate you on the use of your umbrella.
John Steed: Thank you. And may I compliment you, what was it you were trying to do to your friend?
Zalenko: Disjoint his left arm from its socket over my right shoulder.
John Steed: And where did you learn that particular piece of nastiness?
Zalenko: Saturday afternoons, British television, last time I was here. You should watch.

Catherine Gale: Burns was waiting for me. We've been playing one sided Russian Roulette.
John Steed: I told you gambling would be the death of you.

John Steed: What were you trying to do to your 'friend'?
Zalenko: Disjoint his left arm from its socket over my right shoulder
John Steed: And where did you learn that particular piece of nastiness?
Zalenko: Saturday afternoon British television, last time I was here. You should watch


"The Avengers: The Frighteners (#1.15)" (1961)
[as he enters a shop against the owners wishes]
John Steed: I suffer under the disability of a public-school education.

John Steed: Doctor?
Dr. David Keel: Yeah?
John Steed: We take him to your surgery.
Dr. David Keel: What for?
John Steed: It's quieter there.
Dr. David Keel: Yea, I'd like to keep it that way.
John Steed: That's precisely my point. He's a private patient, that's why I brought you along,give the police surgeon the night off, follow me?

John Steed: Is he alright?
Dr. David Keel: He'll live. His sort always does.

John Steed: But you know that those places have a membership of some of the most viscous thugs in London, so Keels rush in where Steeds and angels fear to thread.

John Steed: [Steed fumes to Dr. Keel] "So, Keels rush in where Steeds and angels fear to tread!"
Dr. David Keel: [Dr. Keel responds sheepishly] "Well, I suppose it was a bit melodramatic."


"The Avengers: The Removal Men (#2.6)" (1962)
[Cecile tries to seduce Steed]
Cecile Dragna: Why so shy?
John Steed: Retiring nature.
Cecile Dragna: What does that mean?
John Steed: It means I want to live long enough... to retire.

Cecile Dragna: My husband'll kill you.
John Steed: Your husband's in Italy, on business. By the time he comes back I'll be miles away.
Cecile Dragna: There aren't that many miles.
John Steed: We'll see.

Bug Siegel: [about Steed] He's as mad as a cut snake.
John Steed: Now look at it this way: a few days ago, you didn't know I existed.
Bug Siegel: So were's the improvement?

John Steed: Why'd you let the band go? Little Venus and I could've had a little twisting session.

John Steed: Why don't you have any money?
Venus Smith: Because you shot my boss!


"The Avengers: The Master Minds (#4.6)" (1965)
John Steed: [Emma is bouncing on a trampoline] Look, do you mind? It's like watching a game of perpendicular tennis.

Emma Peel: Steed, you did wake me up a few minutes ago?
John Steed: There is a touch of fantasy about it all, isn't there?

John Steed: Behind them there must be a brilliant planner at work.
Emma Peel: A genius.
John Steed: A diabolical master mind.
Emma Peel: Sir Clive?
John Steed: He's just a pawn in the game. The man we're after is the king.

John Steed: Hello...
Davinia Todd: I'm going to scream in a moment.
John Steed: Oh dear, I hope not.
Davinia Todd: Loud, and I have excelent lungs.
John Steed: I can believe it.
Davinia Todd: Enough to wake the dead.
[opens her mouth to scream]
John Steed: I'm John Steed. I'm here on business and I'm not going to harm you.
Davinia Todd: Oh, how dull.

John Steed: Always breaking windows at school, I was.


"The New Avengers: Emily (#2.12)" (1977)
John Steed: Miss Daly?
Miss Daly: Yes?
Phillips: It's about your car.
Miss Daly: Emily? What about it?
Purdey: Where is it?
Miss Daly: It's been stolen?
Mike Gambit: No.
Miss Daly: You. You crashed into it.
Mike Gambit: No.
Miss Daly: There was an accident and...
Purdey: No accident.
Miss Daly: You, you crashed into it on purpose?
Mike Gambit: We haven't seen your car.
John Steed: But we would like too.
Miss Daly: Ooh...
[giggles]
Miss Daly: Now I understand. Admirers.

John Steed: I don't think it was the Fox himself, or one of his followers. The conclusion: they've moved into the area after us.
Mike Gambit: A pack of Foxes.
Purdey: Wolves. It's a pack of wolves. Foxes are ehm... Oh Gambit, stop changing the subject.
Mike Gambit: What was the subject?

Mike Gambit: [Emily is out of fuel, but Gambit has spotted a home made distillery] I think I've got the answer: alcohol.
Purdey: Gambit you know alcohol is only a temporary solution. You know you always wake up with a headache and a hangover.
Mike Gambit: What do you think, Steed?
John Steed: Well, it depends how much you drink... and whether you can handle it or not.

John Steed: Well this fuel could certainly take us to the moon, but not to the top of that hill.

Purdey: Did you ever get the feeling...
Mike Gambit: That your journey...
John Steed: Wasn't really necessary?


"The New Avengers: Dead Men Are Dangerous (#2.1)" (1977)
John Steed: Are you sure this is just lemonade, Purdey?
Purdey: Well it looked a bit sad so I added a dash of vodka to cheer it up.
Mike Gambit: Oh well, in that case.
[takes a sip. It makes his voice horse for a few moments]
Mike Gambit: Not bad. You've invented a new drink. Vodka and fizzy lemonade.
Purdey: And bitters.
John Steed: To cheer up the vodka.
John Steed: No, to cheer up the gin.
Mike Gambit: Persuade aid?
Purdey: Sounds a bit medical.
John Steed: A purdka!
Mike Gambit: Right, yes. Have a purdka.

John Steed: Now Purdey, the only thing that can't be replaced is the love and life of an old friend. And if the Chinese didn't say that, they damn well ought to have done.

John Steed: I have a motto about women: always leave them laughing.

John Steed: [to Purdey] You check the files, I'll check my memories.

Purdey: And you never told him you knew?
John Steed: He desperately needed to win. How could I tell him? He was my friend.


"The Avengers: The Fear Merchants (#5.2)" (1967)
John Steed: Richard Meadows. Found at Wembley Stadium in his pajamas.
Emma Peel: Maybe he sleepwalks?
John Steed: Some walk. He resides in Birmingham, now that's a hundred and, eh...
Emma Peel: Thirteen miles away. So he went to bed in Birmingham...
John Steed: And woke up in Wembley.

John Steed: You found out nothing?
Emma Peel: Hm-hm, nothing in the files of Fox, White and Crawley, not even the courtesy of a reply.

John Steed: Excuisite.
Jeremy Raven: But I aim at unparalleled excellence!

John Steed: Steed, what are you doing?
Emma Peel: What am I doing? Practising my 'high-powered tycoon' look.

John Steed: We're in the travel business. I provide luxurious igloos in Iceland.
Emma Peel: Complete with a deepfreeze.
John Steed: Bearskin rugs...
Emma Peel: And hot and cold running eskimo's.
John Steed: Why not? That's quite an idea.


"The Avengers: Honey for the Prince (#4.26)" (1966)
Ponsonby-Hopkirk: [trying to surmise Steed's favourite fantasy] Got it! You're a secret agent. Yes indeed, ideal for you. License to kill. Pitting your wits against a diabolical master mind. Make a change from your every day humdrum existence, wouldn't it?
John Steed: [laughs] Yes, it certainly'd make a change.

John Steed: [on phone] Oh Colonel Robertson? Steed here. Did Mrs.Peel call and tell you about the body in my apartment? She did. Well will you have it removed right away, please, it's very untidy.

Prince Ali: But have you ever paused to consider that a man with 320 wives also acquires 320 mothers in law?
John Steed: That's a very sobering thought.
Prince Ali: Very.

John Steed: Tell me, Mrs. Peel? What size do you take in Turkish trousers?

Prince Ali: For you. Because you're my friend and have found favor in my eyes.
John Steed: Thank you.
Prince Ali: It is the left eye of a mountain rat. A very rare delicacy.


"The Avengers: The Undertakers (#3.2)" (1963)
John Steed: This is a rare treat! Bumblebees jellied, made in Japan!
Catherine Gale: Splendid.
John Steed: If there's one place they know how to jelly a bumblebee, it's good ol' Nippon!

John Steed: Where are my jellied bumblebees?
Catherine Gale: I ate them.
John Steed: You did?
Catherine Gale: Well that's what you gave me them for wasn't it?
John Steed: How could you?
Catherine Gale: They were delicious. I thought they were supposed to be one of your favorites.
John Steed: Certainly not! Huh! You never know with the Orient, they might have, ah, jellied the sting.

John Steed: [about to leave on a trip to New York] Send you a postcard?
Catherine Gale: Put a stamp on it, this time!

John Steed: Now the inventor's royalties alone could amount to, wow, a million pounds!
Mrs. Renter: But I already have a million.
John Steed: I'm sure another one wouldn't be in the way, huh?
Mrs. Renter: Well, I'm not so sure. What with death duties, being rich hardly seems worthwhile.

Daphne Madden: [handing Steed a brandy] I think you'll like this one. It's a five star Napoleon.
John Steed: Huh, I'm quite sure I shall. Thank you, cheers.
[takes a sip]
Daphne Madden: Are you a burglar?
John Steed: Eh, well not exactly professionally, you know, Mrs. Renton and I were going through some papers.


"The New Avengers: The Gladiators (#2.11)" (1977)
John Steed: I think all our wires are dangerously crossed. Now Chuck has lost two security men.
Chuck Peters: Right.
John Steed: And you have lost Colonel Sminsky and two men.
Boris Tarnokoff: Two, against our three? I win! Don't I?
John Steed: For the moment I think we're all losing.

John Steed: [to Canadian police officer] Why don't you come, too? After all, it is your country.

Purdey: This all has to do with Karl Sminsky, doesn't it?
John Steed: It's just a theory.
Purdey: Well, so was Newton's law of gravity.
John Steed: There are certain places in the Eastern hemisphere where men are trained in serversion.
Purdey: I know those places. Some of them masquerade as Universities.
John Steed: They are really courses in sophisticated killing.
Purdey: Honors in anarchy.

Mike Gambit: Steed, his hands are lethal!
John Steed: Only if they touch you.

Purdey: Nice fighting.
Mike Gambit: Nice shooting.
John Steed: Nice holiday.


"The Avengers: Man-Eater of Surrey Green (#4.11)" (1965)
John Steed: [after killing an alien plant] I'm a herbicidal maniac, didn't you know?

Emma Peel: What nasty situation have you got in store for me this time, hm? You have your own built in early warning system, you know. A certain look in the eye, roses...
[thinks]
Emma Peel: Roses...
John Steed: Roses?
Emma Peel: Roses. Ah!
[hits him on the nose with a rose]
Emma Peel: The missing horticulturists. Bullseye.

Sir Lyle Petersen: Do you, eh, drink brandy, Mr. Steed?
John Steed: If you mean 'am I accustomed to drinking brandy', Sir Lyle, the answer is yes. if you mean 'would I like one now', the answer is also yes.
Sir Lyle Petersen: Good.

John Steed: What on Earth's that?
Wing Commander Davies: Looks like some sort of mad octopus.
John Steed: Well, what was it doing up in the cosmos?

John Steed: [after equiping Mrs. Peel with a deaf aid] Yeah, well, don't lose it, will you?
Emma Peel: Why not? The plant's only man-eating.


"The Avengers: Death of a Great Dane (#2.8)" (1962)
[Steed misintreprets Cathy's actions when she pulls back the sheets on the bed in the room where they are imprisoned]
John Steed: This is neither the time, nor the place.

John Steed: [about Cathy's bird photography] Is this all?
Catherine Gale: Yes.
John Steed: But you've been away a fortnight, I mean, three birds to show for it?
Catherine Gale: They don't stand still and pose for you, Steed.
John Steed: They do for me...

Getz: Mr. Steed, the basic premise of blackmail is that the person you're trying to blackmail has committed a criminal act. Now, the only person you're in a position to blackmail is Miller. And as he has no money, that would be unrewarding.
John Steed: Go on, you fascinate me.

Getz: You don't know very much about the Litoff Organisation, now do you?
John Steed: No, noone does, that's what's so intriguing.

Catherine Gale: What's this?
John Steed: Milk.
Catherine Gale: Why?
John Steed: We're going to a wine tasting.
Catherine Gale: We are?
John Steed: Pretty good base. Keeps your pallet perceptive, and stopes you getting sloshed.


"The Avengers: Quick-Quick Slow Death (#4.19)" (1966)
Emma Peel: [upon seeing Steed's dance partner number on his back] You're number 9.
John Steed: And you're dancing with garlic sausage!
[referring to the tattoo on her partner's wrist]

John Steed: Hate to see a good beer going into orbit.

Emma Peel: But you didn't bring me here just to be a gunbarer?
John Steed: No, I want you to meet someone, Willi Fehr. Used to be a top agent, now relegated to traffic control.
Emma Peel: Traffic control?
John Steed: Yes, for incoming spies. He looks after their accomodation, money, that sort of thing.

Bank Manager: Yes, Arthur Peever had an account here.
John Steed: Had? Then you know.
Bank Manager: Yes... sad.
John Steed: Very sad...
Bank Manager: Very, very sad.
John Steed: [the Bank Manager moves to another window, Steed follows] Quite a shock.
Bank Manager: Oh, shocking. Very shocking. When he came in here this morning...
John Steed: This morning?
Bank Manager: Walked right in, and closed his account.
[the Bank Manager returns to his original window, Steed nearly goes the wrong way, then follows him]
Bank Manager: Bad!
John Steed: Very bad.
Bank Manager: Very, very bad.

John Steed: Now you, Mrs. Peel, back to your pupils, and be quick-quick slow about it.


"The New Avengers: K Is for Kill: Part 1: The Tiger Awakes (#2.8)" (1977)
Emma Peel: [on phone] Steed, what are you up to?
John Steed: [in telephone box] A Russian soldier who died of old age.
Emma Peel: Well everyone does eventually.
John Steed: [chuckles] Yes, but this one decimated half of Berkshire before he went
Emma Peel: Sounds like quite a problem.
John Steed: Yes. And one we may never solve.

Emma Peel: [on phone with Steed] I've changed my name. I'm not Mrs. Peel anymore.
John Steed: [grins] Yes I know. But you're still Mrs. Peel to me.

Purdey: I found a way to a man's stomach.
John Steed: Oh?
Purdey: It's not through his heart.

General Gaspard: [holding a broken bust of Napoleon] Napoleon is dead.
John Steed: Well, had to happen.

General Gaspard: There was a Sir Everington Steed at Waterloo. A relative?
John Steed: Well, you can't hold me entirely responsible for Waterloo, General.


"The Avengers: The Mauritius Penny (#2.7)" (1962)
Catherine Gale: Well, to have a stamp like that offered on a list is like seeing a Leonardo da Vinci painting advertised for sale on your local newsagent's board.
John Steed: You'd be surprised at the artwork my newsagent sells.

[examining the contents of Goodchild's wallet]
John Steed: Membership cards to three strip clubs and a ticket for a Turkish baths. Obviously a clean-living young man.

[to his Dalmatian after a strained conversation with Cathy]
John Steed: Oh Freckles, I'll never understand your sex.

Lord Matterley: [a man has just been shot at an auction] Someone appears to have fainted.
John Steed: I'm not surprised, at these prices.

Catherine Gale: And what if Mr. Goodchild and Miss Gray were close friends?
John Steed: Look, if you wanted to contact me, would you write my full name and adress in your diary?
Catherine Gale: I don't keep a diary.


"The Avengers: Dressed to Kill (#3.14)" (1963)
John Steed: [cleaning up his apartment after a Christmas party] I hear you missed a very good party, you know.
Catherine Gale: What, weren't you here?
John Steed: No, I had to leave in the middle of it, unfortunately.
Catherine Gale: But leave your guests?
John Steed: 'Fraid so.
Catherine Gale: Must've been something pretty important.
John Steed: It was. The Third World War broke out.

John Steed: I think we all ought to wait here for the Sheriff, he'll come back with a posse, or a taxi, or something or other.

Catherine Gale: [Steed pulls out a gun after being handcuffed to Cathy] Is that real?
John Steed: Of course.
Catherine Gale: Well why didn't you use it?
John Steed: Well I didn't know about our friend the policeman. Heh. He might have meant well. We can't go popping off innocent people.

John Steed: I did know somebody who tried shooting a pair of handcuffs off.
Catherine Gale: What happened?
John Steed: Well, nowadays he's laughingly known as 'Lefty'.

John Steed: [about Jane] She's fascinated by me. It's my winning smile.
Catherine Gale: You took a smile course?
John Steed: That's a natural attribute.


"The New Avengers: Trap (#2.6)" (1977)
Marty Brine: She's not bionic, is she? Purdey. I mean she's just so perfect I thought maybe someone had made her.
John Steed: Some have tried. Many have floundered.

Mike Gambit: [looks out plane window] We should be heading due west, shouldn't we?
John Steed: Should be.
Mike Gambit: Well unless someone's moved the North star, we're traveling due East.

John Steed: That was without a doubt the worst landing I've ever seen.
Mike Gambit: Well, we're all down in one piece, aren't we?
John Steed: Not quite.
[winces in pain]
John Steed: My arm's broken.
Purdey: Are you sure?
John Steed: [a beat] It is my arm

John Steed: Ever been on the wrong end of charging rhino?
Purdey: Well not this week, no.
John Steed: I had that misfortune once, a flag shot won't do. The only chance is to go straight for the brain.

John Steed: Don't worry about me.
Mike Gambit: Don't you ever worry about me
John Steed: Sometimes, yeah.
Mike Gambit: Well what's wrong with me worrying about you? There's nothing in the rulebook about me worrying about you.
John Steed: There's nothing about not worrying either.
Mike Gambit: Look, I...
Purdey: Look this is very touching, but can't we keep the semantics 'till later, they're forming to march up here.


"The Avengers: The Bird Who Knew Too Much (#5.5)" (1967)
John Steed: Do you know they brought over the whole Eastern rocket program in the eye of a needle?
Emma Peel: Ingenious!
John Steed: Hm. Except for the fact that the courier laid down and rested in a haystack.
Emma Peel: You mean they...
John Steed: They're still looking for it.

John Steed: Frank Elrick. He was engaged on counter-counter counterespionage.
Emma Peel: Well, somebody countered his counter. Where was this, eh, found?
John Steed: In a contractor's yard and just in time. In another hour or so... he would have been the cornerstone of a new supermarket. Poor, old Frank. He was a pretty solid sort of type.
Emma Peel: He still is.

Samantha Slade: It's a lovely car. Why do you have straps on your bonnet?
John Steed: To keep it on.
Samantha Slade: Oh. Well how many gallons does it do to the mile?
John Steed: You mean how many miles does she do to the gallon?

John Steed: Mark Pearson is dead. And you and I are going to have a little talk.
Samantha Slade: A talk? Well, what about?
John Steed: Cabbages and Kings... life, birds and the bees. But mostly about birds.

John Steed, Emma Peel: The parot's taking the information out!


"The Avengers: The Danger Makers (#4.20)" (1966)
John Steed: [to Emma] Show him your bumps.

John Steed: [Steed is carefully inspecting Emma's box of chocolates as if it were a bomb] Whatever you do, don't touch the wrapped ones.
Emma Peel: Why not?
John Steed: 'Cause I like them.
[he unwraps one and eats it]

John Steed: Had you known General Groves long?
Major Robertson: Since I was a cadet at Sandhurst. I've served under every general you've heard of, and a few you haven't. Not one was his equal.
John Steed: You might be biased...
Major Robertson: Of course I'm biased. He had the humanity of Caesar... tenacity of Wellington... and the brilliance of Napoleon.
John Steed: Good company.
Major Robertson: The best.

Emma Peel: What have we got, so far?
John Steed: Two black roses, three corpses...
Emma Peel: [shouting from off screen] Four white feathers...
John Steed: And a partridge in a pear tree.

Emma Peel: A bunch of schizoid, paranoid, psychopaths.
John Steed: And incidentally dangerous.


"The Avengers: Don't Look Behind You (#3.12)" (1963)
Ola Monsey-Chamberlain: Do you like the old homestead?
John Steed: Yes, it's very impressive.
Ola Monsey-Chamberlain: It's full of death things. Oh, nasty. Do you play tennis?
John Steed: Yes.
Ola Monsey-Chamberlain: I hate tennis. You're not a dentist are you?

Ola Monsey-Chamberlain: Oh, did I show you my teeth?
John Steed: Hm, I've seen quite a lot of them.

Catherine Gale: Look, it's late, I'm tired and you're going.
[leads him to the front your]
John Steed: Well then, how would you like me to tuck you in?
Catherine Gale: How would you like me to break your arm?
John Steed: Oh no, not much, no, that doesn't appeal.

[last lines]
John Steed: My goodness me. Do you think I frightened him?


"The Avengers: You Have Just Been Murdered (#6.5)" (1967)
John Steed: If it's like Unwin's last party, there'll be three main topics of conversation: money, how to make it and how to hold on to it. It's very dull unless one's income is in the seven figure bracket.

John Steed: You detect that heady aroma?
Emma Peel: [snifs the air] Roses?
John Steed: Money. The sweet, sickly smell of money. The air's heavy with it.
Emma Peel: The ground is littered with millionares.
John Steed: And awash with them. Do you suppose there's a collective noun for millionaires?
Emma Peel: A multi of millionaires?
John Steed: Tycoonery?

George Unwin: Oh look, Steed, I'm sorry. I should've told you. But I had been murdered four times.
John Steed: If anything happens to Mrs. Peel, there'll be a fifth.

John Steed: Who ever heard of a nine-hundred and ninety-nine-thousand, nine-hundred and ninety-nine-anaire?


"The Avengers: Immortal Clay (#2.16)" (1963)
John Steed: It'll be great not to break a cup every time I wash up, but I don't see what that's got to do with security.

John Steed: All that fuss over a little piece of mud.
Catherine Gale: Would you say that was the official view of the Ceramics Research Council?
John Steed: Undoubtedly!

John Steed: It's bad to feel sorry for people in our business. It slows you up.
Catherine Gale: I'm not in your business. Might as well remember that.

Catherine Gale: If you need warming, you should come down to the pottery. In a couple of the big ones I went into, the heat was unbearable!
John Steed: One Ten will be unbearable if I don't find this tile.


"The Avengers: A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Station (#5.13)" (1967)
Crewe: This is my station.
John Steed: Your station?
Crewe: I bought it. I, well, I'm... I'm negotiating to buy it. Heh. Humble beginnings, but... one day... one day... a main-line station. Kings Cross; Waterloo: a terminus! Yes, that's what I set my heart on.

Emma Peel: And who's his ladyfriend?
John Steed: Auntie Maud.
Emma Peel: Do you know her?
John Steed: 'Maud', M.A.U.D. 'Microfilm And Unencyphered Documents', army issue pouch.

Ticket Collector: Ah, Mr. Steed.
John Steed: Ah, Ticket Inspector.
Ticket Collector: I had you brought here to witness the final phase.
John Steed: That's very decent of you.
Ticket Collector: It's for me really. Verging on megalomania, you might say. But eh, a coup is not a coup without someone to see.
John Steed: Well I'm a fraid I shan't be able to applaud.
[Steed is handcuffed to a pipe hanging from the ceiling]
Ticket Collector: The look in your eyes will be enough.

Ticket Collector: Another five miles, Mr. Steed, and then...
John Steed: Pop goes the diesel?
Ticket Collector: Very droll!


"The Avengers: Build a Better Mousetrap (#3.21)" (1964)
Stigant: Mr. Steed, can you imagine the military applications of a device which could disable any mechanical form of machinery?
John Steed: A sort of instant peace.

John Steed: Caroline, may I introduce Catherine. Now, she's the white hope in the black leather of the Vern Ingham district T.T.
Catherine Gale: How do you do?
Caroline Wesker: How do you do? I must say that is a very fetching, Vectised outfit.
John Steed: That's what I always say.

John Steed: Now the National Trust, trusts people to look after buildings of national interest. But we don't. Oh no, we don't trust anybody at all. National Dis-trust, you see?

[last lines]
Cynthia Peck: My mousetrap!
John Steed: It seems to be equally effective with the larger rodents.
[hands it back to Cyn]
John Steed: But don't you think you're using to strong a cheese?


"The Avengers: The Superlative Seven (#5.12)" (1967)
Emma Peel: Are you sure you can afford the time for all this junketing?
John Steed: Eh?
Emma Peel: There's a small matter of the death athletes. Six within the last week murdered.
John Steed: Seven.
Emma Peel: Ah... A couple of weight lifters and several assorted wrestlers.
John Steed: A trace of boxers, very odd.
Emma Peel: Very unsporting.
John Steed: Thank you very much, Mrs. Peel. Yes, well enough of these mundane matters, a little socializing won't do me any harm.

Hana Wilde: How do you do? I'm Wilde.
John Steed: Are you? Every minute of the day?
Hana Wilde: That's my name. Mrs. Hana Wilde.

Max Hardy: I can't see anything.
John Steed: Well, there's nothing to see but sea.

Jason Wade: Eh, sorry to startle you, old man, I... I thought someone was stalking me.
John Steed: Someone's stalking all of us.


"The Avengers: Death at Bargain Prices (#4.4)" (1965)
[Mrs. Peel is working undercover in a department store]
John Steed: I asked the chief predator where to find you and he said, "Our Mrs. Peel is in ladies' underwear." I rattled up the stairs three at a time.
Emma Peel: Merry quips department on the fifth floor, sir.

Emma Peel: Would you like a drink?
John Steed: Intravenously!

Emma Peel: So that's what they meant. I heard some of the staff talking about the King upstairs.
John Steed: He's here?
Emma Peel: Hm-hm, living at the top of the building. A disued department's been converted for him.
John Steed: Really? Where is it?
Emma Peel: The Department of Discontinued Lines.
[hits Steed on the nose with a pencil]
Emma Peel: You should fit in rather well.
John Steed: That's a matter of opinion.

John Steed: What on earth's that?
Emma Peel: Hm. Oh, it's an exploded molecular construction.
John Steed: So that's what hit me.


"The Avengers: The Murder Market (#4.7)" (1965)
John Steed: Help yourself to coffee.
Emma Peel: Always the perfect host!
John Steed: [Steed is graphing something on paper] Heh. Nine, ten... eleven!
Emma Peel: Planning?
John Steed: Plotting.
Emma Peel: For your accountant? A museum of modern art?
[traces a line on end of the graph downward with her finger]
Emma Peel: Or could it be... your popularity poll?

Mr. Adrian Lovejoy: And I hope you'll both have all the happiness in the world.
John Steed: [the bride throws her bouquet, Steed catches it in his bowler] Good luck.

John Steed: All the same, we may find out tomorrow. They should have found me a suitable partner by then... the marriage bureau. Hm! Advanced scientific - they analyze your personality and then find you a compatible companion.
Emma Peel: That must have set them a problem.
John Steed: Eh?
Emma Peel: Finding a match for you.
John Steed: Why, I don't know. Educated, charming, cultured.
Emma Peel: Ruthless, devious, scheming. Hm! Have to be quite a girl. A mixture of Lucrezia Borgia and... Joan of Arc.
John Steed: Sounds like every girl I ever knew. By the way my dear, isn't it high time you thought of marrying again?
[Emma spits up into her champagne glass]

John Steed: Tried working once, it didn't work out. Too much like work.


"The New Avengers: Target! (#1.6)" (1976)
John Steed: Thank goodness.
Mike Gambit: Are we pleased to see you.
John Steed: It's imperative.
Mike Gambit: Urgent.
Mike Gambit: Desperate.
Purdey: What on earth?
John Steed: Where's George?
Mike Gambit: George Myers.
Purdey: George?
John Steed: You were supposed to be with him today.
Purdey: Well, as a matter of fact...
Mike Gambit: It's essential we find him, Purdey.
John Steed: Find him right away.
Purdey: Well if you'd let me get a word in edgeways, I'll tell you were he is.
John Steed: Where?
Purdey: Outside in my car.

Prof. Lopez: I'm sorry about the heat, the humidity. I have to keep the place at tropical temperature; else every damned plant will die on me. I suggest you take of your tie and jacket.
John Steed: If the plants can take it I can. I just think cool.

Prof. Lopez: And try this, it's a distillation of my own brew. Whiskey, weed bark and a little touch of snakehead. You like it?
John Steed: A little strong on the snakehead.

John Steed: But why only those who are going on leave?
Mike Gambit: A plot to disrupt the tourist board?
Dr. Kendrick: [thinking about the little red dots] That's funny.
Mike Gambit: Not the way I said it.


"The Avengers: Warlock (#2.18)" (1963)
[handing a feather to Cathy]
John Steed: I belive this is what they call a 'hex' symbol.

[Steed and Cathy are attacked by cult members]
John Steed: Do you come here often?
Catherine Gale: It's my first visit. I don't think I'll be asked again.

John Steed: [Mrs. Gale is holding up a skull] I know the face - forget the name. Ah, yes, poor Yorick. I knew him well, you know. A fellow of *infinite* jest.
Catherine Gale: That's more than can be said for you.

Pathologist: Hello, you must be Steed.
John Steed: That's right.
Pathologist: I'm supposed to answer your questions. Noboby's bothered to tell me why, naturally.
John Steed: Naturally.


"The Avengers: Intercrime (#2.15)" (1963)
John Steed: His name's Palmer, he's an up and coming safe-cracker. He's been shot in the head.
Catherine Gale: Then shouldn't he be in hospital?
John Steed: Yeah, but for the moment, my flat will have to do.

John Steed: Well, how's it going?
Catherine Gale: Not very well. She's not exactly talkative.
John Steed: Yeah, that's why she's a far more valuable catch than we realized. She's not liable to talk easy.
Catherine Gale: Does that mean you want me to go on pumping her?

Pamela Johnson: I have a good mind to report you to the police.
John Steed: Oh, why?
Pamela Johnson: For spreading malicious and irisponsible rumours.
John Steed: Quite right, but don't be too hasty. Remember, If I'm right, you're wrong...
Pamela Johnson: Yes, I know, I'm going to be killed.

John Steed: Good evening, Miss Johnson, not dead yet?


"The Avengers: Box of Tricks (#2.17)" (1963)
John Steed: Would you like a cigarette?
Henriette: No thank you, that's not one of my weaknesses.
John Steed: You must tell me what are, sometime.
Henriette: [chuckles] Well, it's rather funny you should say that, because actually I have just a load...
John Steed: [cuts her off before she rambles on] You've been here long?

John Steed: [posing as Thackeray] Time means nothing to me, if I start accounting the hours, I should become morbid.

John Steed: [posing as Thackeray] I see, then this is the best treatment for me. It doesn't involve exercise or diet or anything nausiating like that.

Venus Smith: [after wrapping up the case] Heck, I'd forgotten all about Gerry!
John Steed: But I didn't. The police picked him up.
Venus Smith: Oh, that's good.


"The Avengers: Murdersville (#6.7)" (1967)
Emma Peel: [calling Steed on the phone] John darling? It's Emma.
John Steed: Hm? Oh, eh, Mrs, eh...
Emma Peel: Don't be silly darling. Your wife. How is my litte Johnsy-Wonsy?
John Steed: Johnsy-Wonsy's fine, but you sound as though you've been soaking up just a tiny bit too much grapejuice.
Emma Peel: You haven't been out all day? You really should, darling. Drive out. Take the children with you.
John Steed: Children? You're in trouble aren't you?
Emma Peel: That's right.
John Steed: Is there somebody listening?
Emma Peel: Yes, and I've had an absolutely tortuous day.

John Steed: Took your advice. Went to the pub. The landlord was extremely inhospitable. He came at me with a 12 bore. I hadn't even criticized the beer.

John Steed: I gather you've known each other for a long time?
Emma Peel: Since I was seven.
Major Paul Croft: Six. She was a leggy little horror with pigtails.
John Steed: I can't believe it.
Major Paul Croft: Oh, it's true. We lived next door to each other. I often used to climb over the wall...
John Steed: No, no, I mean the champagne. I specifically asked my vendor for a '26. He sent me a '27!
Emma Peel: What's a digit between friends?

John Steed: [struggling to open Emma's chastity belt] It may surprise you to know that I've had very little experience with this type of garment.


"The Avengers: Killer Whale (#2.26)" (1963)
John Steed: [pouring a glass] I've been reading up on whales...
Catherine Gale: Oh, are you going on holiday dai bach?
John Steed: Not that Wales. Whales, Moby Dick.
[hands her a drink]
Catherine Gale: Cheers, Captain Abraham.

Pancho: Pancho, everybody calls me that.
John Steed: After his favourite expression, 'punch-up'.

John Steed: [taking a close-up look at a fashion model's bosom] That's a beautiful texture...

Catherine Gale: Imagine that, 32.000 pounds for something you picked up off a beach.
John Steed: Hm. I've never picked up anything off a beach that valuable.


"The New Avengers: K Is for Kill: Part 2: Tiger by the Tail (#2.9)" (1977)
Ambassador Toy: Two K-agents at large.
John Steed: K-agents?
Ambassador Toy: K for Kill, in any language.

Purdey: [Steed has been shot] Straight through the heart.
Mike Gambit: He taught us everything we know.
Purdey: [voice breaking] He was good... and honest... and true
Purdey: [Steed blinks] And he's still alive!
Mike Gambit: He can't be. How can he be?
John Steed: Because I'm a gentleman.

Purdey: I am a girl and I will not let that fact go unnoticed.
Mike Gambit: She is a girl.
John Steed: Indisputably.
Mike Gambit: All right, Purdey, we've taken a vote on it, and you're quite definitely, a girl.

John Steed: [Steed almost gets shot in a graveyard] I'd say that was a...
Purdey: Grave moment?


"The Avengers: Lobster Quadrille (#3.26)" (1964)
Dr. Stannage: Stubborn, you know in this part of the world, can't abide interference. Think they know everything. Same trouble with medicine these days, patients think they know more than their doctors. That's why I turned to pathology!
John Steed: Corpses can't argue.
Dr. Stannage: Ha ha. He was shot.
John Steed: Who?
Dr. Stannage: Your ministry friend. 38, I guess. Entered the body just below the right side of the rib cage, punctured the right lung, left the body between the 7th and 8th ribs. That's what I'm looking for.
John Steed: The ribs?
Dr. Stannage: No no, the bullet.

John Steed: And as you're going to be out there anyway, pussy-footing along those sun-soaked shores...
Catherine Gale: You thought I might do a little investigating.
John Steed: That's right! What do you say?
Catherine Gale: Goodbye Steed!
John Steed: Eh?
Catherine Gale: That's what I say: goodbye.
John Steed: But that isn't asking too much?
Catherine Gale: [Mrs. Gale gets up to leave] Oh yes it is! You see I'm not going to be pussy-footing along those sun-soaked shores - I'm going to be lying on them.
John Steed: Not pussy-footing? I must have been misinformed!
[door slams]

John Steed: Where is Quentin?
Max Bush: Go and ask the mermaids...

John Steed: They're certainly taking their time, aren't they?
Dr. Stannage: Ambulances rarely rush to the morgue, Mr. Steed.


"The Avengers: Esprit De Corps (#3.25)" (1964)
Catherine Gale: I suppose it never occurred to you that you don't put leather in a washing machine?
John Steed: Really, why not? Cows must get wet sometimes, they don't run.
Catherine Gale: They're not dyed.

Catherine Gale: Well, as far as I can make out from the general, the mayor objectives of the exercise are these:
[takes off her fur coat]
John Steed: [while helping her with her coat, glances at Cathy's chest] Highly desirable.

Catherine Gale: Anything you want to draw from stores?
John Steed: Yes, but, uh, I doubt if you'd issue it.

John Steed: [pointing at a bottle] Look, if you're going to open that, you'd better be quick, I'm going to be shot in half an hour.
Private Jessop: Oh, aye, it doesn't give you much time, does it?
[as he uses both hands to open the bottle, he pulls Steed's arm along as they are handcuffed together]
John Steed: Oh Je-
[cork pops]
John Steed: Jessop, can't we get divorced just until I've finished my meal?


"The New Avengers: Hostage (#2.7)" (1977)
Mike Gambit: [Steed is wearing a medal] What did you get that for? Ruthlessness in the field?
John Steed: Dedication to duty.
Mike Gambit: Hmm. Same thing.

Mike Gambit: Do you know you and I have never faced each other?
John Steed: You're too young to die, Gambit. Besides, I never fight fair.

John Steed: [Purdey has got an apple propped into her mouth] Last time I saw something like that was at the Savoy grill. Quite delicious.

Purdey: You mean you were prepared to hand these over for me?
John Steed: It's only paper. You're Purdey.


"The New Avengers: The Lion and the Unicorn (#2.4)" (1977)
Minister: The Unicorn. He has a triple D rating.
Purdey: Which means he's in the top five of the Good Spy guide. A ruthless killer.
John Steed: A ruthless, brilliant killer.

Commander LeParge: They have asked for the Unicorn, the Unicorn they must have.
John Steed: Well indeed they can
Commander LeParge: [relieved] Aaah.
John Steed: There's only one problem...
Commander LeParge: There can be no problems, monsieur.
John Steed: Well it's the Unicorn. He's just a teeny bit dead.

Commander LeParge: This is catastrophic.
John Steed: [sipping his brandy] Well it's certainly not a five-star Napoleon, but I'd hardly call it catastrophic.
John Steed: The situation is catastrophic. Steed, this is no time for jokes. On the contrary, if you've faced as many problems as I have, You'd realize that the only saving grace was a sence of humour.

Marco: [speaking into a makeshift walkie talkie] Most ingenious, Steed. If you try a double cross, I press my button.
John Steed: [answering through intercom] And if you try anything, the Unicorn will be looking for a new horn.


"The Avengers: The White Dwarf (#2.21)" (1963)
John Steed: Do you know what a white dwarf is? It's some kind of astronomical body.
Catherine Gale: The core of a supernova.
John Steed: Ehm, what does, what does that mean then?
Catherine Gale: Well, stars explode sometimes.
John Steed: Ah, when you say star you don't mean a planet?
Catherine Gale: No no, no. The word star gets used very loosely. Stars are realy like our Sun, burning masses of gas, every now and then one of them explodes.
John Steed: Every now and then? Meaning every few million years, eh?
Catherine Gale: Well, not necessarily. There was one quite recently in, ah, 1054.
John Steed: Bang up-to-date!

Catherine Gale: There's a theory, you know, that our own solar system started this way. First they were twin binary stars. Then one of them exploded and some of the debris became the planets.
John Steed: That's Professor Richter's theory, isn't it?
Catherine Gale: [angered] If you've already read up on this, you're wasting my time, aren't you?
John Steed: Keep your shirt on! All I know about this theory is, that he said that the white dwarf would re-enter our solar system one day.
Catherine Gale: He still maintains that theory as far as I know.
John Steed: He doesn't maintain anything anymore, he was murdered last night.

Catherine Gale: [after discussing the possibility of the end of the Earth] And what will you be doing while I'm away?
John Steed: What do you think, having myself a good time, while there's still time to have it.

Catherine Gale: After all, what would you do if someone came bursting in here and accused your brother of perpetrating a swindle?
John Steed: I should be very surprised, I haven't got a brother.


"The Avengers: Traitor in Zebra (#2.11)" (1962)
John Steed: Well, what's the setup?
Catherine Gale: They have a very fine laboratory, they are quite satisfied with my work, and in one week I've discovered absolutely nothing.

Mellors: Here, Mr. Steed, what sort of treatment do you specialize in?
John Steed: The sort that gets results!
[all laugh]

John Steed: Can women really do this sort of thing?
Thorne: Oh, yes, under careful supervision.

John Steed: You're not frightened of burning your fingers, eh?
Catherine Gale: What woman would be for rubies this size?
John Steed: Hah!


"The Avengers: Death of a Batman (#3.5)" (1963)
John Steed: [Steed and Mrs. Gale are searching through magazines] Hold everything!
Catherine Gale: Where?
John Steed: There she is, bless her decolletage. Hoo!
Catherine Gale: [reading] Lady Cynthia Bellamy sits this one out with Major Foster MFH, the Honorable Jeremy Barnes Mayfair Party.
John Steed: Oh... Good for Jeremy. What?
Catherine Gale: Good for the Major!
John Steed: [chuckles] Yes. Hey where has he got his hand? Oh. Officer and a gentleman.

John Steed: [Steed returns home to find Cathy there] Hey, you still here? It stopped raining, you know.
Catherine Gale: It's not five hours, yet.
John Steed: Five hours?
Catherine Gale: They shampooed all the carpets in my flat and I can't walk on them for five hours.
John Steed: Oh dear, dear me.

John Steed: Do you fancy a dehydrated cucumber sandwich?
Catherine Gale: No.
John Steed: Oh, never mind, there's bound to be bloater.

Lady Cynthia: How did you do it?
John Steed: Do what?
Lady Cynthia: You don't look all that muscular, you must be very deceptive!
John Steed: I am. Now, what have I done?


"The Avengers: The Decapod (#2.3)" (1962)
John Steed: Just how many bodyguards do you go through in a week?

[complaining of Steed's manipulative treatment]
Venus Smith: All right, but don't do it again.
John Steed: As if I would.

Venus Smith: When would he want me to start this tour?
John Steed: As soon as you can talk him into it.
Venus Smith: Oh, charming. Thank you and good night.

John Steed: I say, who was that poor girl phoning just before she was killed?
Stepan: How do you know she was phoning anyone?
John Steed: After you left, I took the liberty of having a look around the embassy. There were traces of soap on the telephone.


"The Avengers: The £50,000 Breakfast (#6.3)" (1967)
John Steed: [walking towards a large window] I could've sworn that Big Ben moved. Well it must have been the Worcestershire sauce and the eh, tomato juice. Heh.
Miss Pegram: It's us that's moving, Mr. Steed. The Litoff Organisation never stands still.
John Steed: So I see, but could you remain motionless just for one moment, to have a little look at, eh, at these?
[empties a small bag containing several diamonds onto a newspaper]

Miss Pegram: You don't know much about the Litoff Organisation, do you, Mr. Steed?
John Steed: Nobody does! Now that's what's so intriguing.

Emma Peel: How do you know?
John Steed: I had a look at the memo pad beside your phone. I'm an insatiable reader.

John Steed: How are you going to spend all this money?
Glover: I'd hardly like to say.
John Steed: Why not?
Glover: You'll think less of me.
John Steed: No, I won't.
Glover: It's the power that excites me, Mr. Steed. I want to be ill-mannered and rude and uncouth. And order people about, especially women. I look forward to being excessively rude to an considerable number of handsome women!


"The New Avengers: Angels of Death (#2.2)" (1977)
Mike Gambit: Dead?
John Steed: Dead.
Mike Gambit: Natural causes?
John Steed: Natural causes.
Mike Gambit: Well, there goes my number one suspect for sleeper of the century.
John Steed: There goes one of the best friends I ever had...

John Steed: [reading a card] Health farm?
Simon Carter: [embarrassed smile] Coldstreams idea. Things I'm over doing it. A health farm. I'm going there tonight.
John Steed: No your not. You're not going.
Simon Carter: [Carter looks surprised] But you are, but you're not.

Wendy: We're here to take care of you.
John Steed: You're quite right. I do need care. Special, personal care.
Cindy: Just a teeny injection.
Pam: To help you relax.
John Steed: I need relaxation.
Wendy: Exactly.
[administers injection]

John Steed: Why look for the way out when I know the way in?


"The Avengers: From Venus with Love (#5.1)" (1967)
Venus Brown: We are a very small, select group.
John Steed: Good. I abhore overcrowding.
Venus Brown: With stringent rules.
John Steed: I shall obey them, stringently.

Venus Brown: Your occupation?
John Steed: Following father's footsteps. He spent his life depositing money, I spend mine withdrawing it.
Venus Brown: How lovely.

Dr. Henry Primble: Steed? Steed? Have you an appointment?
John Steed: No.
Dr. Henry Primble: Then I can't see you. I never see anyone without an appointment.
John Steed: Can I make one?
Dr. Henry Primble: Oh, certainly.
John Steed: How 'bout today, at eh, two fortyfive?
Dr. Henry Primble: Oh, that suits me fine, take a seat.

John Steed: I'm a fully fledged member of the BVS. I volunteered for watching duty.
Emma Peel: I thought it was part of your policy never to volunteer for anything?
John Steed: Yes, but since you volunteered to return the recording to Venus Brown, I thought I'd volunteer.


"The Avengers: Something Nasty in the Nursery (#5.14)" (1967)
John Steed: I'm afraid they're GONN.
John Steed: Gone? Gone where?
J. W. Martin: No, GONN. G.O.N.N. Guild of Noble Nannies.

Mr. Goat: I can guess why you're here.
John Steed: You can?
Mr. Goat: An aura of proud fatherhood surrounds you.
John Steed: Oh...
Mr. Goat: My warmest congratulations and welcome to the Guild of Noble Nannys.
[they shake hands]

Emma Peel: Trying to reach top C?
John Steed: Target practice. I always endulge myself.
Emma Peel: Well, it looks like it went with a bang...
John Steed: Definitely, somebody sent me a surprise package.

Emma Peel: You'd better hurry.
John Steed: Why?
John Steed: Haven't you noticed? As soon as we discover someone who can supply the answer...
John Steed: Someone always...
Emma Peel: Gets to them first.
John Steed: Ha, ha!


"The Avengers: The Hour That Never Was (#4.9)" (1965)
John Steed: I've driven across this road, ooh, hundred times during the war.
Emma Peel: Well, since you know it so well it's remarkable you couldn't stay on it.

John Steed: [arriving at R.A.F. Camp 472 Hamelin] Ah, there she is.
Emma Peel: Looks a bit bleak...
John Steed: You should see it in the cold light of a hangover.

John Steed: Razor still running. Petrol gushing. Unconscious rabbit. One dead milkman.
Emma Peel: Ten thousand bottles of milk...
John Steed: Thirty highly trained, technical men, just up and dance away from, eh...
Emma Peel: Hamelin.

Benedict Napoleon Hickey: I'm a comsumentious subjector. I detest war... or violence... or stamp collectors.
John Steed: Stamp collectors?
Benedict Napoleon Hickey: Filthy habbit, collecting stamps. All that old saliva. More disease get spread that way, generations of old saliva. Foreign saliva, too.


"The Avengers: Propellant 23 (#2.2)" (1962)
[while waiting for an airport to empty so he can break-in to a storeroom]
John Steed: Come on, haven't you got homes to go to?

Catherine Gale: Do you always arrange to take your calls in a lingerie department?
John Steed: If humanly possible.

John Steed: I'm meeting the plane from Tripoli. There's a man on board called Meyer. Now he's got a package. He's going give me the package, and I'm going to take it to London.
Catherine Gale: Really. What's in the package?
John Steed: Ha. I don't know.
Catherine Gale: Typical.
[slams car door]
John Steed: Hey! Hold on, where are you going?
Catherine Gale: Back to Toulon.
John Steed: [gets into her car] No, but you don't understand! Whatever is in this package, it is absolutely vital that I get hold of it. If I don't? Well, governments will fall, chaos will ensue!
Catherine Gale: How can you possibly say that if you don't know what's in it?
John Steed: Well it's some sort of sixth sense you know, we get it in my job. And I got it at the briefing this morning.


"The Avengers: Death on the Rocks (#2.10)" (1962)
Catherine Gale: You've gone into the real estate business, then?
John Steed: Oh, I just happen to have one going spare...
Catherine Gale: Won't you be using it?
John Steed: [lighting her cigarette] I thought we might both use it...
Catherine Gale: Thank you for the offer, but I prefer to make my own arrangements.
John Steed: Oh, don't misunderstand me, It's just that I need a wife for a couple of weeks.
Catherine Gale: So long?

Samuel Ross: Steed, if you'll take my advice, keep quiet about it. Remember, you have got a wife as well.
John Steed: I haven't forgotten.
Samuel Ross: Neither have they...

John Steed: [to Cathy] My dear, you're being a great help to your husbands career!


"The Avengers: Brief for Murder (#3.1)" (1963)
Jasper Lakin: Now Mr. Steed, you can tell us the real reason.
John Steed: Your pen.
[hands Jasper back his pen]
Jasper Lakin: Oh! Thank you.
John Steed: I want to commit a murder.
Miles Lakin: One lump or two Mr. Steed?
John Steed: Two, please.
Miles Lakin: Allow me.
[pours a cup of tea and hands it to Steed]
John Steed: Thank you!

Miles Lakin: Do sit down Mr. Steed, you'll ah, take some tea of course.
John Steed: That's very kind of you.
Miles Lakin: I hope the little business of the search didn't inconvenience you too much, tape recorders you know, they make them devilishly small now these days, heh, heh, make everything smaller!
John Steed: Except lawyers fees, maybe?
Miles Lakin: Oh! Ho ho. Very good.

John Steed: [There has just been an attempt to shoot Cathy] Must be something in your psychic makeup, the way you antagonize complete strangers.
Miss Elizabeth Prinn: Well, why are you standing there, why don't you go after him?
John Steed: It's my basic cowardice. Anyway, I thought he had very good intentions. But not very good aim, eh?
Miss Elizabeth Prinn: Oh no, not any self respect...
Catherine Gale: Respect of any description doesn't come into Mr. Steed's dictionary.


"The Avengers: What the Butler Saw (#4.22)" (1966)
John Steed: [as Mayor White] Brigadier Ponsonby Goddard, sir?
Major General Goddard: Brigadier? What do you think this is, fruit salad? Mayor General Ponsonby Goddard!
John Steed: [salutes] Sorry, sir.
Major General Goddard: It's my son you want, young Percy.

John Steed: [to his barber] Can you take me now? A quick scrape and a hot towel or two?

Squadron Leader Hogg: Can I help you old boy?
John Steed: [disguised as Squadron Leader, complete with outlandish R.A.F. moustache] Actually, I wanted a word or 5 with Group Captain Miles.
Squadron Leader Hogg: Out, I'm afraid.
John Steed: Oh bad show,
[holds out his hand]
John Steed: Squadron Leader Blue.
Squadron Leader Hogg: Squad Leader Hogg, anything I can do?
[they shake hands]
John Steed: Actually, I wanted a word or 2 about the old Groupee, official magazine you know, I'm acting as P.R.O.
Squadron Leader Hogg: From the H.Q.?
John Steed: B.H.Q.
Squadron Leader Hogg: On T.T.R?
John Steed: J.J.V. succounted from R.H.B.
Squadron Leader Hogg: Oh really, how's the G.C.M.?
John Steed: A-1.
Squadron Leader Hogg: M-Y?
John Steed: 50 P.P.R.
John Steed: [chuckles] Downgraded to 007, eh?
John Steed: Upgraded to B.B.5.
Squadron Leader Hogg: Oh, got his G.G.Q. then? How's the C.O.?
John Steed: [stops smiling] O.K.
Squadron Leader Hogg: Oh.
[pause]
Squadron Leader Hogg: Bang on.


"The Avengers: Hot Snow (#1.1)" (1961)
John Steed: Who are you?
John Steed: I'm very sorry, I can't tell you that. But I'm on the side of the angels, believe me.

John Steed: [prepairing to leave] Right, that will have to satisfy you for the moment.
Dr. David Keel: I'm afraid that it doesn't!
John Steed: It will have to, for the time being, Doctor Keel. I'm very sorry but you'll just have to trust me... or not.
Dr. David Keel: Thanks for the choice.
John Steed: Doctor Keel, do you know who killed your fiancée?
Dr. David Keel: No, I don't!
John Steed: I do. And if you don't trust me there isn't a cat in hell's chance of you finding out.

Dr. David Keel: Just a minute! How will I keep in contact with you?
John Steed: You won't be able to lose me.


"The Avengers: Mr. Teddy Bear (#2.1)" (1962)
John Steed: Oh, I remember him, he was the lad who liked souvenirs, wasn't he? He had an American hand grenade turned into a table lighter. When he picked it up one evening to light a cigar, found that someone had turned it back into a live genade again.

John Steed: What it comes to, is this, then: you saw no one, he probably wasn't even in the same building. He spoke to you through a Teddy Bear doll, he inspected you through a closed circuit television link. It wasn't his true voice, cause he presumably fed it through a rack of stuff like that, and you brought back with you a cigarette case which may or may nog have prints on it, which in return, may or may not be his.
John Steed: [slightly annoyed] You, of course, would have done a good deal better.
John Steed: Eh, probably.

One-Ten: I've had the squad go over your car, no booby traps.
John Steed: Ah, I told you, he's a gentleman. Heh, never lay a finger on a Rolls.


"The New Avengers: Medium Rare (#2.3)" (1977)
Purdey: Steed doesn't like the ballet.
John Steed: Only ballerina's

John Steed: As a matter of fact, I abhore guns. I don't even have a gun except for an old Colt 45 and that's just for sentimental reasons.

John Steed: [to Gambit] Hello, what brings you here? Premonition?


"The Avengers: Escape in Time (#5.3)" (1967)
John Steed: Known you all this time, never knew that you could sew.
Emma Peel: Well, our relationship hasn't been exactly domestic, has it?

Emma Peel: [holding up a photograph] Now there's an evil face if ever I saw one.
John Steed: That's Tubby Vincent, he's on our side!

Anjali: What would you give for an escape, for freedom, for complete liberty?
John Steed: Half my kingdom...
John Steed: Our terms exactly.


"The Avengers: Death's Door (#6.2)" (1967)
Emma Peel: You know my wavelength.
John Steed: I do indeed.

Emma Peel: Well, friend Stapley certainly excelled himself, it's a great piece of double talk. "Why Sir Andrew left the converence", or how to say nothing in 500 well chosen words.
John Steed: Stapley can't help telling half truths, he's in constant touch with politicians.

John Steed: Coffee or orange juice?
Emma Peel: Both.
John Steed: Should have known...


"The Avengers: The House That Jack Built (#4.23)" (1966)
Emma Peel: What happened to the shining armor?
John Steed: It's still at the laundry.

Emma Peel: An old uncle of mine died, some while back, left me his house. I have to go and look at it.
John Steed: Oh, how upsetting.
Emma Peel: Not really, I never knew him.
John Steed: No, that you have to dash. I've got my hands full and I could do with a cup o' coffee.

John Steed: [on telephone] Pongo, please listen. She's got a key with her. It's a perfectly ordinary key, but there's something strange about it.


"The New Avengers: Gnaws (#1.13)" (1976)
John Steed: You saw it?
Mike Gambit: I felt it.
John Steed: Well, what was it, a killer shark?
Mike Gambit: A killer shark, no.
John Steed: What was it?
Mike Gambit: It was a snake.

Mike Gambit: [Steed is stirring up something smelly in his best silverwear as Gambit enters] You don't actually intend eating that, eh, whatever it is?
John Steed: No. But I have every intention as soon as it's properly cooked of, eh... poof... smearing it over the walls.

John Steed: [Gambit has found a skull] Well, it's not Yorick.


"The Avengers: November Five (#3.6)" (1963)
Major Gavin Swinburne: I'm afraid I can hardly discuss that with a stranger.
John Steed: But you are my M.P., major, so demographically speaking, I'm entitled to your political opinion.

Catherine Gale: Did you make this mess?
John Steed: No, it was like this when I arrived.

John Steed: [trying out St. John's typewriter] Blunt F, squint I, H above the line...
Catherine Gale: What's that?
John Steed: A very good description of my Auntie Queenie.


"The Avengers: The Living Dead (#5.7)" (1967)
Emma Peel: Do you believe in ghosts, Steed?
John Steed: Someone does: Kermit, the hermit.
Emma Peel: You didn't answer my question. Do you believe?
John Steed: Let's put it this way: strange happenings need looking into. Now you stay here and browse around, and I'll go and see Kermit the hermit.

Masgard: You saw the notice, back there, 'Keep Out'. You saw it?
John Steed: Yes, yes.
Masgard: Well?
John Steed: Beautiful bright paint, excellent lettering, easy to read. I'd have preferred a four point doric myself, but on the whole I'd say, an excellent notice.
Masgard: [grabs Steed by the tie] It meant what it said: keep out, keep away.
John Steed: You're in danger of ruffling my feathers.

John Steed: [kisses Emma on both cheeks] For that you definitely get a mention in my will.
Emma Peel: Did the whole of your past life flash before your eyes?
John Steed: Yes. Infinitely enjoyable.


"The Avengers: The Winged Avenger (#5.6)" (1967)
John Steed: Now someone, or something got from here to there without being detected. Now there must be an explanation and I intend finding it!
Emma Peel: With a shoebox?
John Steed: They laughed at Edison.
Emma Peel: Only when he was serious...

Professor Poole: Why do you persist in bothering me, why can't you leave me alone? Wasn't the dodo warning enough?
John Steed: Dodo?
Professor Poole: Wouldn't leave that alone. Now it's extinct. Gone And so have I.

John Steed: What's that?
Emma Peel: Items found at the scene of the crime.
John Steed: Your items are not very interesting.
Emma Peel: It's a loud of rubbish.


"The Avengers: The Big Thinker (#2.12)" (1962)
Catherine Gale: There's a Dr. Hurst, a bit of a military man. He's in a panic. Wants MI5, the navy, anybody.
John Steed: You, he can have. Not me, I'm off to the Middle-East, tonight.

Catherine Gale: You're staying right out of it?
John Steed: Yeah, you go ahead, Mata Hari, you just, eh, send me a postcard, hm?

John Steed: [to Cathy] Oh, you're almost completely thawed out.


"The Avengers: The Outside-In Man (#3.22)" (1964)
John Steed: [Steed arrives home to find Cathy lying on the floor, reading a book] Ah, you got my message.
Catherine Gale: Obviously.
John Steed: I've been doing the shopping.
Catherine Gale: Obviously. I take it it's about Andrew Sharp?
John Steed: Obviously, I've been working all night.

Catherine Gale: Why can't you go?
John Steed: Well, they may be suspicious. They know my face from a... little bloodbath on the border about four years ago.

Mark Charter: Morning.
John Steed: We thought you were dead.
Mark Charter: I know. It's upsetting, isn't it?


"The Avengers: The Golden Eggs (#2.19)" (1963)
Catherine Gale: Teeth?
John Steed: Teeth? Oh. No, that's an old fallacy. Find a body, they say, doesn't matter what condition it's in, take it along to the dentist, and he'll identify it by it's teeth. Well, it's not so!
Catherine Gale: Do sit down! As long as you're standing up, I'm terrified you're gonna shake this table.
[Mrs. Gale is gluing a broken vase back together]
John Steed: In the first place teeth are not all that indestructible. In the second place, not everyone has got them. And in the third, most dentists wouldn't recognize their own teeth if you handed them to them on a *plate*. On a *plate*. Ha!

Catherine Gale: *Now* what are you doing?
John Steed: [Steed is cutting out two cowboy figures from back of a cornflakes box] I often wondered if people really did cut these things out, harder than you might think, you know.
Catherine Gale: They really do, but they usually wait until the packet is empty, first.
John Steed: Ah well, these are for a friend of mine's kids! They got one of those cork pop-gun things, you know. Oh I got a present for you, you can take in the bath with you.
[Steed hands Miss Gale a little plastic toy]
John Steed: . They're tired of shooting at cut-out lions and tigers, they want to shoot at cut-out people! Boom! Boom!

Catherine Gale: Now what?
John Steed: I think you should get back to Doctor Ashe. Under that pre-Raphaelite exterior, I think he's very impressed with you...


"The New Avengers: Cat Amongst the Pigeons (#1.5)" (1976)
Purdey: Any offers? Preferably of an unpredictable nature.
Mike Gambit: A screeching sound.
John Steed: Tires on tarmac.
Purdey: Chalk on a blackboard.
John Steed: Diamond on glass.
Purdey: Five thousand robins with a wounded wing.
Mike Gambit: A bird strike. A flock of birds hit a plane. They shatter the cockpit, jam the engines. It's got to be.

John Steed: [emerging from swimming pool with Prof. Waterslow] Birds can't swim.
Mike Gambit: Ducks can.
John Steed: I didn't claim my plan was perfect.

[surrounded by cats]
Mike Gambit: Pussy...
John Steed: ...Galore!


"The Avengers: Castle De'ath (#4.5)" (1965)
John Steed: [picking up Emma, who is injured] Lean on me, Mistress Peel, as much as you like.

John Steed: Was there a rack down there?
[Mrs. Peel nods]
John Steed: In good racking order?
Emma Peel: I didn't have time to find out. Shouldn't be at all surprised.

Emma Peel: [about Black Jamie, who was walled up the East tower of Castle De'ath] Well, he can't do much harm, I mean not walled up.
John Steed: Mrs. Peel, the first thing a ghost learns is to walk through walls. That's a fundimental part of any self-respecting spirit's basic training.


"The Avengers: Bullseye (#2.4)" (1962)
[at the stock market]
John Steed: Ohhh, they're so greedy.

John Steed: And he was snooping around your flat this morning. The window cleaner saw him off the premises.
Catherine Gale: I don't understand, my window cleaner doesn't call today.
John Steed: It was a different window cleaner. Me.

Catherine Gale: Well, here it is.
[hands over a piece of paper]
Henry Cade: What's this?
Catherine Gale: Well, I've been up all night, doing it!
John Steed: Doing what?


"The Avengers: Man with Two Shadows (#3.3)" (1963)
John Steed: Well, how is Mrs. Whiz Bang Wallop this fine Trojan morning, eh? What's for breakfast?
Catherine Gale: Cook it and see!

John Steed: Was it an accident?
Dr. Terence: No. Car hit him alright, but it wasn't hit and run.
John Steed: Why not?
Dr. Terence: It hit him about twelve times.
John Steed: This may sound a st- foolish question: was that what killed him?
Dr. Terence: I don't think so. I think the car hit him after he was dead.

John Steed: How does Gordon strike you?
Catherine Gale: With a dull thud.


"The Avengers: How to Succeed ....At Murder (#4.25)" (1966)
Sara Penney: Where do I sit?
John Steed: Sit?
John Steed: [a polite nod from Penny] Oh yes, sit!
[straightens up in his chair and slaps his thighs]
John Steed: Here would be delightfully informal.

John Steed: [Steed has hit Emma's bumper with his Bentley] I'm most terribly sorry, Miss.
[quietly]
John Steed: I just wanted a word with you.
Emma Peel: [shouts] Are you blind?
[quietly]
Emma Peel: Couldn't you have phoned?
John Steed: [quietly] And risk a wire tap?
[louder]
John Steed: My foot missed the brake.
[quietly again]
John Steed: Henrietta's been dead for years, just seen the gravestone, it's all extremely odd.
[louder]
John Steed: Well, no harm done.
Emma Peel: [louder still] No harm? There ought to be a law against these things.
John Steed: [quietly] How are you getting on?
Emma Peel: Not to well, progressing.
[louder]
Emma Peel: Watch your driving in future!
[walks off]
John Steed: [whispering] And you watch your step.

John Steed: [to Miss Penney] Terrible weather. And nothing between you and the weather, but leather.


"The Avengers: A Chorus of Frogs (#2.24)" (1963)
Venus Smith: Get out, haven't you got a room of your own?
John Steed: Cabin. No, I haven't, I was going to ask your hospitality.
Venus Smith: What? Well where do you think you're going to stay, under the bed?
John Steed: Bunk.
Venus Smith: Bed. I don't care if we are on a boat.
John Steed: Ship.

John Steed: I'll be out all night.
Venus Smith: [not wanting him to sleep in her cabin] Too right you will!

John Steed: [to Helena] Always when I meet you, you have that little gun. Do you sleep with it under your pillow?
Aristos: She was born with it in her hand!


"The Avengers: Never, Never Say Die (#5.10)" (1967)
Emma Peel: Where's the body?
John Steed: There isn't one
Emma Peel: No body?
John Steed: No body.
Emma Peel: There's always a body!

Dr. Betty James: Casualty. Found uncounscious some miles from here. He'd been attacked.
John Steed: By a banana?

Emma Peel: Steed, MOT-NRU stands for...
John Steed: Ministry of Technology, Neoteric Research Unit.
Emma Peel: That's a good guess.


"The Avengers: Trojan Horse (#3.20)" (1964)
John Steed: [asked to come up with a name for a new born filly] How about 'Impossible'?

Ann Meadows: Do you know anything about horses, Mr. Steed?
John Steed: Yes, I know which end is which.
Ann Meadows: Oh, thank goodness for that! I thought you might be one of those terribly dull civil servants.

Ann Meadows: Have you ever heard of a horse that was kinky about a spaniel?
John Steed: I think I'll have little more sugar, young lady, if you don't mind.


"The Avengers: The Gravediggers (#4.2)" (1965)
John Steed: Well, if there's anything you want, grapes, oranges, magazines, just get in touch with the Footplateman's friendly.
Sager: Grapes.
John Steed: Eh?
Sager: [pointing gun at Steed] I'd like some grapes.
John Steed: Desperate for them, I'd say...

John Steed: [Emma enters Steed's flat] Don't move, got you in my sight.
[fires toy gun]
John Steed: Haha, gun that shoots around corners.
Emma Peel: Second childhood?
John Steed: Nephew's birthday.

John Steed: Always felt I was cut out to be an engine driver. I was on the point of taking it up as a matter of fact.
Emma Peel: Family objected?
John Steed: Oh no, they were all for it. But I came to my senses just in time, there's no security, always on the move.
Emma Peel: Oh, I don't know. At least it would've kept you to the straight and narrow.


"The Avengers: A Surfeit of H2O (#4.8)" (1965)
John Steed: You've had warning of the flood?
Jonah Barnard: Oh, indeed I have.
John Steed: [taps an old barometer] Something more positive than this, I hope?
Jonah Barnard: Butterflies.
John Steed: In the stomach?
Jonah Barnard: In the district!

Joyce Jason: Can I help you?
John Steed: [brightens up at the sight of her] Any time! Eh, Steed, John Steed of Steed, Steed, Steed, Steed, Steed and Jacques Limited, wine merchants extraordinary.
[hands over his card]
Joyce Jason: How did Jacques get in?
John Steed: He didn't, he doesn't exist. But in the wine trade, you must have that French touch, so I invented Jacques, heh.
Joyce Jason: Do your relatives approve?
John Steed: Eh?
Joyce Jason: Steed, Steed, Steed...
John Steed: Oh, as a matter of fact, I invented them too, looks better on the card, heh.

Emma Peel: [Mrs. Peel is trapped in a wine press. Steed and Jonah arrive through a secret entrance in the floor] Gentlemen should knock before entering.
John Steed: [quickly walks up to Emma] What are you, a sparkle in a seaweed soda?
Emma Peel: No, I'm the kick in the nettle noggin.
John Steed: Never mind, I'll have you out of here in two shakes of a swizzle stick.


"The Avengers: A Touch of Brimstone (#4.21)" (1966)
John Steed: Well, there have been other incidents. Sneezing powder at government receptions, plastic spiders in an ambassador's soup and somthing quite outrageous in a diplomat's bed.

John Steed: [to Lord Darcy] First I'll fix you up with my patent hangover cure. I call it 'National Anthem'. Soon get you on your feet.

John Cartney: The choice of weapons is yours.
John Steed: Feather dusters at four hundred yards.


"The Avengers: The Nutshell (#3.4)" (1963)
Catherine Gale: [taking an elevator down inside a top secret building] What's at the bottom of here?
John Steed: Nutshell: Thermonuclear Underground Target Zone Shelter. The siege of government for World War Three.
Catherine Gale: This is where everyone hides when the push comes?
John Steed: No, not everyone, I'm afraid, only the top people. The deeper you go, the safer it gets. The bottom floor's reserved for the best people, the civil servants get off at the, heh, 43rd floor.

John Steed: What's happened?
Laura: Something we thought never could. Disco is waiting to give you the details himself.
John Steed: Disco, what's he doing here?
Catherine Gale: Who's Disco?
Laura: Director of Intelligence, Security and Combined Operations.
John Steed: The man we never meet...

Catherine Gale: [Steed has been imprisoned and is denied food] How are you, Steed?
John Steed: I'm losing weight.


"The Avengers: Second Sight (#3.8)" (1963)
John Steed: I'm representing her Majesty's government in the affair.
Catherine Gale: Does the government know?
John Steed: In places, yes.

Catherine Gale: What does Halvarssen have to say about it?
John Steed: I don't know, I haven't seen him. I have talked to all sorts of people but not him.
Catherine Gale: Why on earth not?
John Steed: Well, when you're rich, you know, one learns how not to be talked to.

John Steed: [about Anstice] He was always in need of money, now he needs money more than usual.


"The Avengers: The Hidden Tiger (#5.8)" (1967)
Major Nesbitt: Unusual, old man, woman on a big game hunt.
[referring to Mrs. Peel]
John Steed: Unusual woman.

Adrian Cheshire: Now, Mr. Steed, the name of your beloved pussy?
John Steed: Oh, eh... Emma.
Adrian Cheshire: Emma. Pedigree?
John Steed: Family tree that long.
Adrian Cheshire: Ah... Colouring?
John Steed: Reddish brown.
Adrian Cheshire: Ooh, a cuddly bronze tabby. And what a joy for you it must be when she's curled up in your lap.
John Steed: Oh, well, I've never thought of it that way.
[chuckles]


"The Avengers: The Wringer (#3.17)" (1964)
Catherine Gale: It's rather unusual to send an operator out on a job that involves him personally, isn't it?
John Steed: You've been reading the Official Handbook again, haven't you?
Catherine Gale: [unperturbed] But it is, isn't it?

Catherine Gale: [about Hal Anderson] What kind of a man is he?
John Steed: He's reliable. Heh. By the books he shouldn't be; he's a lousy shot, he can't swim... writes poetry. But, he's reliable.


"The Avengers: The See-Through Man (#5.4)" (1967)
John Steed: As I've demonstrated, Mrs. Peel, our mysterious intruder must have come in through the front gate.
Emma Peel: Across the entrance hall...
John Steed: Past three checkpoints...
Emma Peel: Came down the security lift...
John Steed: Across the main hall...
Emma Peel: The Typing pool...
John Steed: Passed a dozen clerks...
Emma Peel: Ah, and don't forget the four secretaries, Steed.
John Steed: Hmmm. Indeed not.

Prof. Ernest Quilby: You a member? Of the B.A.?
John Steed: The B, eh...
Prof. Ernest Quilby: British Alchemists.
John Steed: Oh, no, no, the M.O.D.
Prof. Ernest Quilby: Ah. M.?
John Steed: Ministry of Defence.


"The Avengers: The Joker (#5.15)" (1967)
Emma Peel: [about Sir Cavalier Rousticana] He read my article recently.
John Steed: So did I! All bids, no trumps and mathematics. It was very confusing.

Major George Fancy: [Steed is limping] You run into counter-espionage, tangle with the minions of a mastermind?
John Steed: Far more sinister: fell down the stairs.


"The Avengers: Man in the Mirror (#2.22)" (1963)
One Six: Eh, Steed...
[Steed approaches]
One Six: ... you look a bit under the weather. Are you all right?
John Steed: Perfectly.
One Six: Then why are you late?
John Steed: I had trouble with the weather.

One Six: There are no lone wolves on my team, Steed.
[exits]
John Steed: Just old foxes...


"The New Avengers: The Tale of the Big Why (#1.8)" (1976)
Purdey: [Gambit is lying on the floor reading 'The Tale of the Big Y'] He's read that chapter twice already.
John Steed: 'Bessie's mating habits'.
Purdey: Very badly written.
John Steed: And anatomically impossible.
Mike Gambit: Oh, I don't know. Certainly works you up - to a good appetite.
[Steed grins]
Mike Gambit: [gets up] Time for dinner, isn't, it, Purdey? Steed?
[puts book down on table]
John Steed: [picks up the book] The answer's in the book. And my taste buds won't be rejuvenated until I've found it.

John Steed: [Steed & Gambit have been forced to travel the countryside on foot] What fantastic luck.
Mike Gambit: You've seen a car.
John Steed: Better than that...
Mike Gambit: A mixed sauna, with a licensed bar.
John Steed: The blue Perrywinkle.
[stoops down to pick a flower]
Mike Gambit: Blue what?
John Steed: I never knew it grew in that kind of soil... Think of your soul, Gambit, think of your soul.
Mike Gambit: [looks at the soul on one of his shoes] Yes...


"The New Avengers: Faces (#1.9)" (1976)
Sheila Rainor: I think the stole his mole.
John Steed: I beg your pardon?
Sheila Rainor: Nigel's mole. I know it sounds stupid, but I think someone, for some reason removed it. Now isn't that stupid?

John Steed: If I'm right, and doubles are being infiltrated, how do we know it is Purdey?
Mike Gambit: No two girls could have a figure like that.


"The Avengers: Who's Who??? (#5.16)" (1967)
Major 'B': Steed, Mrs. Peel. Not too late?
John Steed: [a beat] Almost too early...

John Steed: [in Basil's body] What sort of fiend are we dealing with? A man who would bite the end off a cigar is capable of anything.


"The New Avengers: Sleeper (#1.10)" (1976)
Purdey: [a waiter has brought Steed a telephone in a restaurant] That'll ruin your indigestion, Steed.
John Steed: I'm not going to eat it, I'm just going to make a call.

John Steed: They are red. It's George the hotel porter. He must have got me a hundred cabs in his time. I never knew he wore red socks.


"The Avengers: The Rotters (#7.15)" (1968)
Victor Forsythe: I say, have you seen what they've done to my mother piano?
John Steed: Seen what they did, I was under it

Carter: We don't deal in secrets in this department. We plant trees. When they grow up, we cut them down.
John Steed: What a full rich life you must lead.


"The Avengers: The Forget-Me-Knot (#7.1)" (1968)
Emma Peel: [saying good-bye to Steed] Always keep your bowler hat on in times of trouble, and beware diabolical masterminds.
John Steed: [as she walks away] Emma... Thank you.

John Steed: [On meeting his new partner, Tara King] Rah boom de-ay!


"The Avengers: The Medicine Men (#3.9)" (1963)
John Steed: A woman died there last night, and her name was Tu Hsiu Yung. Hm. In common pounds, that's known as 'Beautiful Evergreen of the House of Tu'.

John Steed: I hate getting up in a hurry.
Catherine Gale: You hate getting up, period!


"The Avengers: Mission... Highly Improbable (#6.8)" (1967)
John Steed: Do you assist your father?
Susan Rushton: Eh, not directly, I, I work in administration.
John Steed: Then perhaps you could supply me with an infantry?

John Steed: It's utterly incredible. Two men and a Rolls to vanish into thin air?
Emma Peel: I presume the area was thoroughly searched?
John Steed: Inch by inch, with the finest of toothcombs.


"The Avengers: Mandrake (#3.18)" (1964)
John Steed: But Tinbey is a ghost village.
Catherine Gale: You mean nobody lives there?
John Steed: Well, it used to support a... heh, a tin mine... That tin mine went out of action eight years ago, and all the villagers have moved to Bodmin.
Catherine Gale: Must have a strong attraction for corpses.
John Steed: So strong that people die in London, and are transported off to Cornwall. Why?

Catherine Gale: [about Benson] Does he know you're on to him?
John Steed: He will, when I'm ready.


"The Avengers: School for Traitors (#2.20)" (1963)
John Steed: Do we know who was blackmailing him?
One-Seven: If we knew that, Steed, there'd be no need for either of us to be here.

John Steed: Was he a friend of yours?
Ted East: It's Green. He was gonna be sent down.
John Steed: He's been sent down all right, he's dead.


"The New Avengers: Forward Base (#2.13)" (1977)
John Steed: He did what?
Mike Gambit: We knew you wouldn't like it. He dropped it into the lake. No, it was more extrovert than that, he threw it.
John Steed: What do you mean by extrovert?
Mike Gambit: The opposite to introvert.

Hosking: Fishin'?
John Steed: Yes.
Hosking: They're in the trees, ya know.


"The Avengers: The Thirteenth Hole (#4.18)" (1966)
John Steed: Poor Ted, never had a chance to swing his steel shafted handle-to-head balanced niblet.

Frank Reed: How's your game?
John Steed: Good at Glen Eagles, eh, fair to middling at Pebble Beach, heh.
Frank Reed: [ominously] So we meet tomorrow...


"The Avengers: Six Hands Across a Table (#2.25)" (1963)
Catherine Gale: [Steed enters Mrs. Gale's bedroom through the window] What are you doing here? Go out and come through the front door like a civilized human being.
John Steed: I don't fancy navigating that wall again, it's very steep. Well, he has set you up nicely, hasn't he?
Catherine Gale: Say what you have to say, Steed, and then leave.
John Steed: That accident last night wasn't an accident. Which makes me wonder whe...
Catherine Gale: [interrupting] Shh! You've got a voice like a saw!
John Steed: [Mrs. Gale slips into the bathroom while Steed continues to talk] Makes me won - Like a *saw*? Look, it makes me wonder wether they were after you, or Brian whats-his-name. Perhaps they were using, hah, one stone to kill two birds. One block and tackle. That's interesting. Still in there love?

Catherine Gale: Well, he had nothing to do with it.
John Steed: Heh. Oliver? Why not?
Catherine Gale: Because he was with me when it happened.
John Steed: Oh, he must have had his hands full.


"The Avengers: The Little Wonders (#3.16)" (1964)
John Steed: What a dirty cassock!
[Steed unwraps cassock and discovers a doll]
John Steed: A doll!
Catherine Gale: Hey, may I see?
[takes doll]
Catherine Gale: It's a Simon and Halbig.
John Steed: Eh?
Catherine Gale: Simon and Halbig. They're the makers. It's a German doll about... hm, 1890 I'd say.
John Steed: You're very knowledgeable you know, Mrs. Gale.
Catherine Gale: I used to collect them. Head's a bit loose though, needs re-stringing.
John Steed: Oh, poor girl.
[taps the dolls head]
Catherine Gale: It's a tricky job, not many people can do it these days.
John Steed: I wonder what the Reverend Hardbottle was doing with a doll?
Catherine Gale: Temporal comfort.
John Steed: Hm. No, he's got his hot waterbottle for that.

John Steed: To my close friends, I'm known as "Johnny, the Horse"
Harry, aka Archdeacon of Bangkok: Get away.


"The Avengers: Conspiracy of Silence (#2.23)" (1963)
Catherine Gale: [crosses arms] Did you get all the stuff I did sent you?
John Steed: I did. Thank you.
Catherine Gale: I was worried about Terry. He had a tattoo a couple days before he joined the circus, so he's probably a phony. Tattoos are like a passport around here.
John Steed: How come you know so much about tattoos?
Catherine Gale: I took it at school instead of needlework.

John Steed: [losing his temper] May I remind you, Mrs. Gale, we are dealing with the maffia and not the boyscouts!
Catherine Gale: You offer him a satisfactory alternative to the maffia, and he'll help you.
John Steed: [scoffs] You're an idealist.
Catherine Gale: And you're a cynic.


"The New Avengers: The Last of the Cybernauts...? (#1.3)" (1976)
John Steed: [Steed has just regained consciousness] What happened?
Purdey: I am very disappointed. 'What happened', that's a terribly coy thing to say, Steed. You could have said 'Where is the party?'. That at least would have been different and fairly amusing. Or you could have muttered something unintelligible in Latin.
Mike Gambit: On the other hand, he might want to know what happened. You were hit. And I'll give you even money you know by whom or what.
John Steed: No bet.

John Steed: [Steeds's place is a shambles following his birthday party] Oh Mrs. Weir?
Mrs. Weir: Yea?
John Steed: Are you a woman of high moral standards?
Mrs. Weir: Well of course!
John Steed: Then I should leave the guest bedroom till tomorrow.


"The Avengers: The Secrets Broker (#3.19)" (1964)
John Steed: What we've got to do, is to keep it on the secret list. We've got a week to do it in, 'cause it's going to the Pacific for testing.
Catherine Gale: They've only got a week, too, so I suppose they're bound to try something.
John Steed: They'll try all sorts of things, most of them dirty. There are no more gentlemen in this game.

Waller: Philly, I want you to meet Mr. Steed.
Mrs. May Wilson: Oh.
Waller: [to Steed] Eh, Mrs. Wilson.
John Steed: It's an honor, madam.
[bends forward to kiss her hand]
Mrs. May Wilson: Thank you.
Waller: And her daughter, Julia.
[Steed bends forward to kiss her hand]
Waller: Help yourself to anything you fancy, Mr. Steed.
John Steed: That's very generous of you.


"The Avengers: The Gilded Cage (#3.7)" (1963)
John Steed: How much the bars weigh?
Catherine Gale: Oh Steed, no ones ever going to ask me that!
John Steed: You know what they'll ask?
Catherine Gale: Four hundred troy ounces, and they measure six and three a quarter inches by three and a half by one and three quarter inches.
John Steed: Value?
Catherine Gale: 5000 pounds. And at Fort Knox there are eight hundred thousand of them weighing eight thousand eight hundred tons. Satisfied?
John Steed: Yes.
Catherine Gale: You're becoming a proper slave driver!
John Steed: I got my whip upon on the kitchen table!

John Steed: [Steed grabs Fleming by the lapels and pulls him out of Spragge's wheelchair] You'll be in that chair permanently if you don't answer my questions.


"The Avengers: The Grandeur That Was Rome (#3.10)" (1963)
John Steed: What *are* they doing?
Bruno: See? Ah, eh, this is, eh, from Pompeii, of course. It, it depicts an incident in one of their bacchanalia.
John Steed: Oh those bacchanalia, such outrageous orgies!
Bruno: They certainly knew how to relax.

Catherine Gale: By the way, Steed, we've had a report from the Ministry of Agriculture that some regents are running out of earthworms.
John Steed: Aw, pity. I was planning a fishing holiday this year.


"The Avengers: Two's a Crowd (#4.12)" (1965)
John Steed: Do you always squeeze the toothpaste from the middle?
Major Plessy Carson: No, I never did until I got married.

John Steed: Oh, come now, Mrs. Peel. If I had a twin, I'm sure mother would've mentioned it.


"The Avengers: Requiem (#7.29)" (1969)
John Steed: No need to be frightened now, Miss Loxton. Look, why don't you make yourself more comfortable? Take off your nose.
John Steed: [Miss Loxton removes her clown nose] That's better.
John Steed: [removes fake eyebrows, her hat, and wig] Now *that* is much better!


"The Avengers: Square Root of Evil (#1.3)" (1961)
[reading the dossier of the man hs is to impersonate]
John Steed: Timothy James Riodan. Oh, my little Irish mother. Profession: master forger. Delicate fingers - I'd better get a manicure.


"The Avengers: Bizarre (#7.33)" (1969)
The Master: I will arrange for you to leave this life, dispense with it, shuffle off this mortal coil. If you were dead, Mr. Steed - if you were dead, the world would not pursue you any further. The heat would be off, eh? I would arrange your death for you.
John Steed: I can arrange that too, and cheaper!


"The Avengers: The Sell-Out (#2.9)" (1962)
John Steed: Then there's Fraser. Now he runs a barber shop, and he's the easiest one to keep track of.
Dr. Martin King: Oh, what do you mean?
John Steed: I can't lose sight of him. He's been following me for the past two days.


"The Avengers: The White Elephant (#3.15)" (1964)
John Steed: I'm going after an albino... the white elephant!
Fitch: Oh, really, how very interesting. I understand they're rather rare. Where would you be going? India? Burma?
John Steed: I thought I might try the Home Counties.


"The New Avengers: Complex (#2.10)" (1977)
Mike Gambit: What was all that about?
John Steed: Well we've got a deal, but this time it's Canada.
Purdey: Canada, that's marvelous. I've never been there.
Mike Gambit: Don't worry, I'll fill you in on all the details.
Purdey: Oh I know what it's like...
Mike Gambit: You've read books?
Purdey: Books? I've seen Rosemary. Twice!


"The Avengers: The Golden Fleece (#3.11)" (1963)
Catherine Gale: I've learned from experience that whenever you wine and dine me as well as this, it's always been the prelude to some hideous adventure.
John Steed: [chuckles] Well, you know what they say, when it's inevitable, sit back and enjoy it.


"The Avengers: Brought to Book (#1.2)" (1961)
Dr. David Keel: What's this?
John Steed: Heroin, old boy. Sit down and I'll tell you the rest.


"The New Avengers: Obsession (#2.5)" (1977)
John Steed: How are you feeling?
Purdey: Like jelly. Like someone with three bullets and a fractured thigh.


"The Avengers: Mission to Montreal (#2.5)" (1962)
Dr. Martin King: [having just been awakened by Steed] Oh, has that drunk come round, can I have my bunk back?
John Steed: No, I'm afraid not. He's been murdered. Somebody's cut his throat, come on. I think they were after you. Your dressing gown's absolutely ruined.


"The Avengers: Death a La Carte (#3.13)" (1963)
John Steed: [posing as Chef de Viande Sebastian Stone-Martin] A vintage burgundy, the company of a beautiful woman and a Boeuf Bourguignon, that's my recipe for a perfect evening.