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: How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting? Peter
: Beats the shit out of me.
: She did a doodle; your turn to change her. Peter
: I'll give you a thousand dollars if you'll do it.
: I love kids. Unfortunately Mr. Hathaway and I aren't able to have children. He has a low sperm count. Michael Kellam
: Some guys have all the luck.
: All we have to do is feed it, it'll shut up. Michael Kellam
: I don't know what babies eat. Peter
: Soft stuff. We were babies once, for Christ's sakes, what did we eat? Michael Kellam
: I don't know, but it couldn't have been very good, I can't remember!
: Feel her teeth. Michael Kellam
: What? Peter
: The druggist said you can tell how old she is by feeling her teeth. Michael Kellam
: I'm not gonna feel her teeth, YOU feel her teeth!
[Peter wets and cleans his finger, then sticks it in Mary's mouth
: I can't feel anything. Michael Kellam
: What does that mean? Peter
: It means she doesn't have any damn teeth! Michael Kellam
: Well, neither did Gabby Hayes and he was 90, so what?
: Whoa, these diapers are way too big! Peter
: They're ultra absorbent! The more absorbent, the better if you ask me.
: Where'd you put the baby powder? Michael Kellam
: Down the hall, I'll get it. Peter Mitchell
: What'd you put it out there for? We're bathing her in here. Michael Kellam
: It's just down the hall! Peter Mitchell
: Well, we're not bathing her in the hall, are we? Michael Kellam
: Well, maybe we should START, goddammit!
[Slams baby powder container on pool table, causing powder to pour everywhere
] Peter Mitchell
: You're going to clean that up.
: Oh, this is disgusting. It's all over and it's... It's sticky and... We're going to need some kind of cleaning fluid to get this off. Michael Kellam
: How about after shave?
] Hush little baby, don't you cry. When Peter gets home, I'm gonna punch him in the eye.
: There's been shit all over the place! Vince
: You mean the package burst? Michael Kellam
: [Thinking they meant the baby
] Well yes, I guess you could say that. Vince
: Well did you put the shit back? Michael Kellam
: No, we had it bronzed for posterity. What do you think we did with it?
: How old is the baby? Michael Kellam
: I dunno, you want me to check her driver's license?
: Feels as though she's ready for a change. Michael Kellam
: I'll do it. Peter Mitchell
: Babies. All they do is eat, sleep and poop.
: Where the hell have you been? This baby hasn't stopped crying! And she did a doodle. Peter Mitchell
: A doodle? What's that...? Oh, forget it. I don't want to know. Michael Kellam
: Well you're gonna know, Pal, 'cause she did it.
: [Finding a baby on their doorstep
] That's a baby. Peter Mitchell
: I know it's a baby. What is it doing there? Michael Kellam
: It's sleeping.
: Look at this
] Peter Mitchell
: , this is your friend Paul Milner! 'Don't let this happen to you!' Jack Holden
: 'Commercial Director Hospitalized After Mugging'... they're trying to intimidate us, I hate that! Peter Mitchell
: I've had enough of this doo-doo! Michael Kellam
: I want to FINISH this, OK?
: See this? This is a hairry chest. You want one of these?
[Michael and Peter are changing Mary's diaper
] Michael Kellam
: Peter, this is a girl. Should we be doing this?
: [reading a review of a boxing match in a hushed, storytelling way
] The champ caught Smith with a savage left hook... Michael Kellam
: What are you reading her? Peter Mitchell
: [responding to Michael in same tone
] It doesn't matter what I read, it's the tone you use. She doesn't understand the words anyway, now where were we?
: Somebody leaves a baby at the door and you automatically assume it's mine? The baby doesn't look anything like me! I'm bigger... and I've got more hair! Peter
: [reads note that came with Mary
] "Dear Jack, here is our baby. I'm sorry I can't handle this right now..." Jack Holden
: [snatches note from Peter and reads
] S-S-Sylvia?... Stratford! A year and a half... a year and a half ago. I did Taming of the Shrew; she was the Shrew! I did some of my best work in that one... got great reviews! Michael Kellam
: Jack, you're such a jerk. You're always thinking of yourself! I wanna kill you... Peter
: [holds Michael back
] Don't worry, Micheal, you won't have to. Jack, I would like to introduce you to your daughter, Mary. Jack Holden
: But... uh... what am I supposed to do with it? Peter
: We've put our lives on hold, Jack, taking care of this kid. And now, it's your turn. Jack Holden
: OK... ok... I'm an actor. I can do a father. Shouldn't be that hard. Michael Kellam
: Goodnight, Jack. Jack Holden
: [as Mary begins to cry
] Wait, what's wrong with her? Michael Kellam
: [walking back to bed
] Goodnight, Jack.
: When I was at summer camp, I bunked with a kid who collected farts.
: Do you want to marry me? Peter Mitchell
: Jack! Jack Holden
: [to Sylvia
] Wanna sleep on it? Michael Kellam
: She did that once before, Jack! Jack Holden
: Hey, shut up!
[turns back to Sylvia
] Jack Holden
: Do you want to marry me? Sylvia
: No... but thank you for asking.
: Where are you gonna live? Sylvia
: London. Jack Holden
: London, England? Michael Kellam
] No, London, New Jersey.
: [Michael and Peter come to a cocktail party in tuxedos
] Has someone died? Michael Kellam
: Not yet.
: [Peter is trying to unplug Mary's TV
] Pete, are you listening to me? Peter Mitchell
: No, I'm electrocuting myself!
: [referring to Peter and Sylvia
] I think they're really starting to hate each other. Jack Holden
: Don't kid yourself... I'm still in love with the first woman who hit me.
: The primary school is... Peter Mitchell
, Michael Kellam
, Jack Holden
: ...the first watershed in a child's life. Peter Mitchell
: Have I said that before? Peter Mitchell
: Not in the last five minutes, Pete.
: [after Mary's penis comment at the restaurant
] You're overreacting. Peter Mitchell
: Yeah, what's a genital here and there?
: [Mrs. Bennington has just arrived
] Couldn't you stay a little longer, Vera? Peter Mitchell
: I tried to change her mind. Jack Holden
: Did someone open a window in here? Burrr!
: If you think about it, if Mary and I hadn't moved in a taken up a part of your live, you'd all be in very different situations right now. Michael Kellam
: We'd be married. Peter Mitchell
: We'd be divorced! You've saved us a fortune.
: [Peter, Michael, and Jack are discussing potential suitors for Sylvia
] What about Edward? Peter Mitchell
: He's English. Michael Kellam
: So is Sylvia! Jack Holden
: Oh, no, that's an actor/director thing. They never last.
: [to Sylvia, who's looking out a window
] What's the matter, darling? Sylvia
: I'm concerned about Mary. Edward Hargreave
: Oh, she'll come around. You'll see. Sylvia
: And I'm nervous about tomorrow. Edward Hargreave
: Don't you want to get married? Sylvia
: Yes, of course I do. I think so. I mean... yes, yes I do. But why do you ask? Edward Hargreave
: Everything's going to be fine. I promise you... Peter Mitchell
: [Peter and Michael come rushing in
] You sonofabitch! You're planning on sending Mary to that boarding school! Edward Hargreave
: What are you talking about! Michael Kellam
: We went to Pileforth this afternoon. Peter Mitchell
: He's planning to send Mary there! Sylvia
: In five or six years, that's a possibility, yes... Peter Mitchell
: No, not in five or six years. Next term. Edward Hargreave
: That's not true. Peter Mitchell
: He's lying to you. Edward Hargreave
: Rubbish. Michael Kellam
: Then why was Miss Lomax measuring Mary? Sylvia
: Was she? Michael Kellam
: For a uniform. Edward Hargreave
: A gift. She asked me if she could give Mary a blazer. Peter Mitchell
: Why? Edward Hargreave
: Because she said that with all the presents Sylvia and I were going to get, Mary might feel left out. Sylvia
: I think that's a very sweet thought. Edward Hargreave
: Yes, I thought so. Peter Mitchell
: What a crock!