Uncle Jesse Duke
Top Links
main detailsbiographyby votesphoto galleryquotes
by yearby typeby ratingsby votesby TV seriesby genreby keyword
Did You Know?
photo galleryquotes

Quotes for
Uncle Jesse Duke (Character)
from "The Dukes of Hazzard" (1979)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
The Dukes of Hazzard (2005)
Uncle Jesse: What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?
Luke Duke: What?
Uncle Jesse: A piece of ass that brings a tear to your eye.

Daisy Duke: You know what's gonna happen. They're gonna get caught and get thrown in jail. Then I'm gonna have to shake my ass at somebody to get them out.
Uncle Jesse: That's why we love ya, honey.

Uncle Jesse: What do you call a farmer with a sheep under each arm?
Luke Duke: What?
Uncle Jesse: A playboy.

Uncle Jesse: Why are divorces so expensive?
Luke Duke: Why?
Uncle Jesse: 'Cause they're *worth* it!

Uncle Jesse: [after Luke crashes through a police roadblock] Give me your goddamn licence!
Luke Duke: What license?

Uncle Jesse: How's it lookin, good lookin?

Luke Duke: You thinkin' about throwin' that?
Uncle Jesse: Oh, I'm gonna throw it... I was thinkin' about pussy.

Uncle Jesse: You know what happens when a politician takes Viagra? He gets taller!

Uncle Jesse: Here's another one; drunk walks out of a bar and runs into a guy carrying an antique grandfather clock. The guy drops the clock, breaking into a million pieces. He looks at the drunk and says, "Why don't you watch where you're going?" The drunk looks at him and says, "Why don't you carry a wristwatch like everybody else?"

Luke Duke: [while Bo and Luke are getting arrested in the courthouse] Well, now, I guess the party's over.
Boss Hogg: Dam right it is! As long as I'm the County Commissioner in the great State of Georgia, you two are gonna rot in the penitentiary. Cuff them!
Daisy Duke: Excuse me, Rick Shankley? I believe the governor has a statement to make.
Governor Jim Applewhite: I do?
Daisy Duke: Yes, sir. You were going to tell everyone about how these boys are heroes for saving Hazzard County.
Governor Jim Applewhite: As everyone knows, I have always been a great friend to the environment, and these boys are environmental heroes!
Uncle Jesse: And you're going to pardon them for all of their crimes, huh?
Governor Jim Applewhite: Moreover, as Governor, I hereby pardon these boys for any and all offenses against the great State of Georgia. Go 'Dogs!
Uncle Jesse: Governor, I want to thank you for pardoning me too.
Boss Hogg: Pardon you for what?
Uncle Jesse: For this!
[Uncle Jesse punches Boss Hogg in the mouth]
Governor Jim Applewhite: Oh, what the hell. I pardon him too!

Luke Duke: [Uncle Jesse takes a big gulp of moonshine while being pursued by the police] Stop that! Why are doin' that?
Uncle Jesse: What I'm about to do, I don't want to remember a lot of it.
[lights a wick in the jar and throws it at the police car chasing them]

Pauline: An apple?
Uncle Jesse: An apple a day keeps the doctor away.

Uncle Jesse: # Just the good ol' boys/Never meanin' no harm/Beats all you never saw/Been in trouble with the law since the day they was born/Straightenin' the curves/Flattenin' the hills/Someday the mountain might get 'em but the law never will/Makin' their way the only way they know how/That's just a little bit more than the law would allow/Just the good ol' boys/Wouldn't change if they could/ Fightin' the system like a true modern day Robin Hood #

Uncle Jesse: [Luke and Bo just failed a moonshine delivery] How many Dukes does it take to screw up a moonshine delivery?

Uncle Jesse: Guy come out of an antique shop carrying a big grandfather's clock. Bumped into this drunk, broke the clock. Guy said, "Why don't you watch where you're going." The drunk says, "Why don't you carry a wristwatch like everybody else."

Uncle Jesse: You know why tornadoes and blonds are so much alike?
Luke Duke: No.
Uncle Jesse: At first, there's a lot of sucking and blowing, and then you lose your house.

"The Dukes of Hazzard: Carnival of Thrills (#3.1)" (1980)
Daisy Duke: [Bo and Luke are beating each other up] STOP IT! BO! LUKE! Uncle Jesse, make them stop!
Uncle Jesse: Now Daisy, you're wasting your breath.
Uncle Jesse: There's only one way to stop this thing!
[runs into the house and comes back with his shotgun]
Uncle Jesse: Boys!
[fires two shots in the air]
Uncle Jesse: Alright, now get up on your feet, stop acting like jackasses and apologize to each other!

Uncle Jesse: I know you don't want to be lectured to, but there's a couple things I want you to take with you. First one is, I want you to know I love you dearly.
[Bo starts crying]
Uncle Jesse: The other is, whenever you get through doing whatever it is you got to do, realize that this is your home, you can always come back.
Bo Duke: Uncle Jesse, I reckon it's uh... it's Luke that's got to do some of the realizing.
Uncle Jesse: Yeah.

The Dukes of Hazzard: The Beginning (2007) (TV)
Bo Duke: You can kill a man with your thumb?
Uncle Jesse Duke: It's not that hard, really, once you know how.

"The Dukes of Hazzard: Boss Behind Bars (#6.6)" (1983)
Uncle Jesse: Cooter?
Cooter: Sir.
Uncle Jesse: Do me a favor and stay close to Daisy while they're around, will ya?
Cooter: That ain't no favor, Uncle Jesse, that's a delight.
Daisy Duke: Thanks, Cooter.

"The Dukes of Hazzard: Undercover Dukes Part Two (#6.17)" (1984)
Cooter: [trying to lure Uncle Jesse to his surprise birthday party] Eh, you know, I have worked up one powerful thirst. How 'bout you and me go down to the Boar's Nest, huh?
Uncle Jesse: Why don't we just finish what we started? We lose our place now, we'll have to start all over with all this junk.

Moonrunners (1975)
Bobby Lee: Jesse, she's in trouble.
Uncle Jesse: Did you do it?
Bobby Lee: It ain't that kind of trouble.

"The Dukes of Hazzard: One Armed Bandits (#1.1)" (1979)
Uncle Jesse: [hearing his nephews complaining about Cooter's reckless driving, and how Cooter has damaged the car that Luke had loaned him] Why would you let Cooter borrow your car? Next time you think of loanin' it to him, just run it off a cliff - - you'll save gas that way.

"The Dukes of Hazzard: Happy Birthday, General Lee (#7.1)" (1984)
Daisy Duke: Say, uncle Jesse, this is startin' to get to me. You think the boy's got a chance?
Uncle Jesse: Well... all our hopes and prayers will be ridin' with 'em. To say nothin' of the farm and the pick-up truck and everything else we own...

"The Dukes: Jungle Jitters (#1.2)" (1983)
Uncle Jesse Duke: You know, you can't stir up a mess of trouble for other folks, without spillin' some on yourself.

"The Dukes of Hazzard: Heiress Daisy Duke (#6.13)" (1984)
Uncle Jesse: Tomorrow mornin' we're all gonna sit down there to breakfast and nobody's gonna get up until we find out why she's acting tickier than a hound dog at a flea circus.

"The Dukes: A Hogg in the Foggy Bogg (#2.7)" (1983)
Uncle Jesse: It was sure nice of the Air Foce to give me a lift, Cousin Billy.
Cousin Billy: Anything for an old war hero, Cousin Jesse.

"The Dukes of Hazzard: Go West, Young Dukes (#7.8)" (1984)
Uncle Jesse: J.D., we all know the only two things you ever did that was legal was be born and marry Lulu.

The Dukes of Hazzard: Reunion! (1997) (TV)
Uncle Jesse Duke: And, Boss Rosco...
Bo, Luke, and Daisy Duke: Boss Rosco?
[Luke laughs]
Uncle Jesse Duke: Well, yeah. Since Boss Hogg died, Rosco inherited all his empire.

"The Dukes of Hazzard: The Ghost of General Lee (#2.6)" (1979)
Sheriff Rosco Coltrane: Jesse, I don't know how to tell this to you easy, but I was chasing Bo and Luke in the General Lee and they uh, they done run off the road into the pond.
Uncle Jesse: [laughs proudly] That's them.
Sheriff Rosco Coltrane: They didn't come up.
[Jesse's smile drops, Cooter and Daisy are devastated, Jesse turns away]
Cooter: You gotta be wrong, Rosco! You gotta be wrong!
Sheriff Rosco Coltrane: I wish I was, Cooter, I really wish I was. Jesse, I, I chased the boys a lot you know they, when they messed up a little, but they seemed to enjoy that, I think sometimes I did too. But you gotta believe that, was never anything personal.

"The Dukes: The Dukes in Hong Kong (#1.10)" (1983)
Uncle Jesse Duke: [narrating] Fact is, Boss was a hatchin' a scheme that was a real ring-tail lalapolooza.

"The Dukes of Hazzard: Limo One Is Missing (#1.9)" (1979)
Uncle Jesse Duke: [Rosco just left the Duke farm and Bo, Luke and Cooter run in the back door] I just got rid of one fool and three more come tearin' in!

"The Dukes of Hazzard: Cooter's Confession (#6.21)" (1984)
John Harris: You all right, old man?
Uncle Jesse: Hah?
John Harris: I say you all right?
Uncle Jesse: [takes earpeace from his ear] Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm fine. It's the law that ain't all right.

"The Dukes of Hazzard: The Fortune Tellers (#6.22)" (1984)
Daisy Duke: Luke, it is my reputation, and my future at stake here. I'm goin'. And I'll tell you what else, Luke: I'm drivin', so come on.
Uncle Jesse: Just like her mother...