Sheriff Rosco P. Coltrane
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Quotes for
Sheriff Rosco P. Coltrane (Character)
from The Dukes of Hazzard (2005)

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The Dukes of Hazzard (2005)
Cooter: [talking about the General Lee] I'm fixin' to fix it.
Rosco P. Coltrane: You're fixin' to fix it? Boy, you couldn't fix an election if your brother was the governor.

Rosco P. Coltrane: [over CB] I'm in hot pursuit of them Duke boys, and their piece of shit orange car!
Bo Duke: Piece of? - son of a bitch!

Rosco P. Coltrane: [over C.B] All units! I'm in hot puruit of the Duke boys, and their piece of shit orange car!
Bo Duke: Piece of?... you son of a bitch!

Rosco P. Coltrane: It appears them Duke boys made off with your safe.
Boss Hogg: I am officially upgrading the Dukes from "fly in my ointment" to "thorn in my side, and if they happen to elevate themselves to "pain in my ass"
[grabbing Rosco's nose with the tongs]
Boss Hogg: , I'm gonna boil you.

"The Dukes of Hazzard: The Ghost of General Lee (#2.6)" (1979)
Sheriff Rosco Coltrane: [on his radio] This is Sheriff Rosco P. Coltrane, I want you to get an ambulance and a wrecker out to Old River Road.
[voice breaking]
Sheriff Rosco Coltrane: The Duke boys done gone in the pond.
Enos: [surfaces with Bo and Luke's clothes, anxious] Luke's britches, Bo's shirt. Can you help me find them, Sheriff? Help me, Sheriff!
Sheriff Rosco Coltrane: [horrified] I can't Enos. I can't swim!
[Enos starts crying]
Sheriff Rosco Coltrane: Damn Duke boys! Why'd they have to do that?

Sheriff Rosco Coltrane: Jesse, I don't know how to tell this to you easy, but I was chasing Bo and Luke in the General Lee and they uh, they done run off the road into the pond.
Uncle Jesse: [laughs proudly] That's them.
Sheriff Rosco Coltrane: They didn't come up.
[Jesse's smile drops, Cooter and Daisy are devastated, Jesse turns away]
Cooter: You gotta be wrong, Rosco! You gotta be wrong!
Sheriff Rosco Coltrane: I wish I was, Cooter, I really wish I was. Jesse, I, I chased the boys a lot you know they, when they messed up a little, but they seemed to enjoy that, I think sometimes I did too. But you gotta believe that, was never anything personal.

Luke Duke: [Rosco finds the General Lee glowing bright red, hears Luke's ghostly voice] Come on, Rosco, get in, we'll drive you all the way to the pearly gates.
Sheriff Rosco Coltrane: No! No!
Luke Duke: [on the car floor, into radio] That is if they still let you in after what you done to us.
[laughs sinisterly]
Bo Duke: [on the floor] How's old Rosco look now?
Luke Duke: [looking through makeshift periscope] Like a canceled stamp, this luminous paint works like a charm.
[into radio]
Luke Duke: You framed us, Rosco! We' gonna get you, Rosco! We ain't gonna let you rest! ROOOOSCO!

Sheriff Rosco Coltrane: [hearing Luke's voice in his office] Somebody's playing tricks.
Luke Duke: It's me, Rosco, Luke Duke, calling from beyond the grave.
Sheriff Rosco Coltrane: There ain't no such thing as ghosts. Is it?
Luke Duke: Rosssscoooo.
Sheriff Rosco Coltrane: Somebody just uh, playing tricks here, and being disrespectful of the dead and I just, I'm...
Luke Duke: You *framed* us, Rosco!
Sheriff Rosco Coltrane: I didn't frame nobody.
Luke Duke: Look down in the sheriff's impound.
Sheriff Rosco Coltrane: I ain't gonna look down in nothing.
Luke Duke: See for yourself!
Sheriff Rosco Coltrane: What's down there?
Luke Duke: Come on, Rosco.

"The Dukes: The Dukes in Switzerland (#1.13)" (1983)
Sheriff Rosco P. Coltrane: [Boss Hogg & Rosco are disguised as maids] You know, chubby little buddy, you don't look to bad for a little fat lady.

Boss Hogg: Oh, Rosco, you bone headed flea brain, you just blowed up my trillion dollar formula!
Sheriff Rosco P. Coltrane: Can I get out of this dang dress now?
Boss Hogg: Yes, yes, yes yes! You can get out of the dress, out of the car and get out of my life! Miserable numbnoggin.

"The Dukes of Hazzard: No More Mr. Nice Guy (#7.5)" (1984)
Billie Jean: Stoney here and Zack, they was right. You do have a short memory, Mr. Hogg.
Sheriff Rosco Coltrane: Oh, eh, see, it's not only short, but it's non existent. He hit his little chrome dome and lost his memory.
Stoney: [grabs Hogg by the lapels] Well you just better find it before you meet with another accident and lose a whole lot more...

Sheriff Rosco Coltrane: Boss is gonna be cut down in the prime of his beef!

"The Dukes of Hazzard: Enos's Last Chance (#6.10)" (1983)
Boss Hogg: Enos, you just proved it. You ain't got enough smarts to cover a frog's eyebrows.
Sheriff Rosco Coltrane: Even less.

Boss Hogg: Alright, you're the law around here, you're supposed to catch the killer.
Sheriff Rosco Coltrane: Wel yes, but, but...
Boss Hogg: One more but out of you and you'll be out on your butt.

"The Dukes of Hazzard: One Armed Bandits (#1.1)" (1979)
Sheriff Rosco Coltrane: Go faster!
Dobro Doolan: Well, I don't wanna get a speedin' ticket!
Sheriff Rosco Coltrane: From who, you jackass?

[as Sheriff, Rosco Coltrane was about to arrest Daisy Duke, she immediately kicked him quick and hard, in his rear, knocking him down and got away, in his Hazzard County Sheriff car]
[after Daisy kicked and escaped from Rosco, Rosco drew out his gun, to aim at his car and Daisy Duke]
Sheriff Rosco Coltrane: [Immediately after Daisy Duke, escaped from him, in Sheriff, Rosco P. Coltrane's Hazzard County Sheriff's car] Damn! Damn! Damn!

"The Dukes: The Kid from Madrid (#2.3)" (1983)
Boss Hogg: Outta gas? Us? Hoo, Rosco, you knucklehead, you musta had the mechanic put that valve on auto take.
Sheriff Rosco P. Coltrane: Well, he mighta misunderstood me, Boss. You see, my Spanish is just a might shaky.
Boss Hogg: Shaky? Shaky?
[hits Rosco with his hat repeatedly]
Boss Hogg: You couldn't get hot sause in a Barcelona barbeque.

Boss Hogg: [strugling with a walkie talkie] What no good crook sold this cheap radio to Hazzard county anyhow?
Sheriff Rosco P. Coltrane: You did, Boss.
[Flash chuckles]
Boss Hogg: Oh. Well, it ain't so bad, haha.

"The Dukes: A Hogg in the Foggy Bogg (#2.7)" (1983)
Luke Duke: There's Twenty Million dollars out there in that bog.
Boss Hogg: Twenty million dollars? I knew them Dukes was a hatchin' something. Roscoe...
Boss Hogg: We're gonna be rich!
Sheriff Rosco P. Coltrane: [squeeks] Are you kidding? Most likely we'll be lunch. You'd make a nice fat little juicy snack for that monster, Boss
[laughs his Rosco laugh]

Boss Hogg: Alright now, Rosco, we'll grap that map as soon as them Dukes is all asleep.
Sheriff Rosco P. Coltrane: But Boss, that could take half the night.
Boss Hogg: Nobody ever said being stinky was easy.

"The Dukes of Hazzard: Brotherly Love (#6.4)" (1983)
Sheriff Rosco P. Coltrane: You know something, boss, those Duke boys were lying. They were lying just like a tombstone. That man was no more Luke Duke's brother than I am second cousin to a jackass.
Boss Hogg: Yeah, well he is and you are.

Sheriff Rosco P. Coltrane: [Rosco & Boss are stuck in their own jail] Boss, listen, I can't reach those keys.
Boss Hogg: I knew you were short on brains but I never thought it went all the way down to your arms.

"The Dukes: The Dukes Do Paris (#1.12)" (1983)
Sheriff Rosco P. Coltrane: What's the Blue Wazoo?
Boss Hogg: Oh Roscoe, don't your tiny pea-brain know nothing? Oiseau is a Frenchie word for bird and the Blue Oiseau is a famous Frenchie stamp with a blue bird on it. There ain't but a couple in the whole world, and they'res worth a fortune.

The Dukes of Hazzard: The Beginning (2007) (TV)
Rosco P. Coltrane: [to the Dukes] Where's that shine making uncle of yours?

"The Dukes of Hazzard: Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Duke (#7.3)" (1984)
Sheriff Rosco Coltrane: [eavesdropping] Oh good grief, I wish they'd talk up, I hate mumblers.

"The Dukes: Put Up Your Dukes (#1.1)" (1983)
Sheriff Rosco P. Coltrane: Ooh, what you gonna do, chubby buddy?
Boss Hogg: Git me some help outta my little black book.
[whips the book out of his jacket pocket]
Sheriff Rosco P. Coltrane: Ooh! Ooh! You mean your little secret list of tricky, sneaky rotten type folks all over the world?
Boss Hogg: Exactly. And then we'll give them Dukes a big surprise!

"The Dukes of Hazzard: Targets: Daisy and Lulu (#6.8)" (1983)
Boss Hogg: Now then, eh, cousin Big Dan, Let's get down to business.
Sheriff Rosco Coltrane: Yeah.
Boss Hogg: How much you gonna offer me on these here sparklers?
Big Dan: Well, being as your blood, cousin J.D., I give ya 20.000
Boss Hogg: Yeah, well being as money is thicker than blood, I'll take 30.000.
Big Dan: But, family's closer than friends. I'll give ya 22.
Boss Hogg: Yeah, but, eh, enemies can sometimes take advantage of family, so I'll take 28.
Big Dan: I'll give ya 24.
Boss Hogg: 26.
Big Dan: 24.
Boss Hogg: 26.
Big Dan: [shouting] 24!
Boss Hogg: [raises voice als] 26!
Sheriff Rosco Coltrane: 25.
Boss Hogg: 25, done.
Big Dan: Done. You stike a hard bargain, cousin J.D.

"The Dukes of Hazzard: A Boy's Best Friend (#6.7)" (1983)
Sheriff Rosco Coltrane: Listen Enos, Boss ain't nothin' but flab and bones. Now, Flash, now, that's family.

"The Dukes: The Dukes in Urbekistan (#1.9)" (1983)
Sheriff Rosco P. Coltrane: Oh, Boss, if you ain't the sneakiest, low-down double dealinist little fat rascal, coo!
Boss Hogg: Oh, Rosco, it sure is nice to be so appreciated.

"The Dukes of Hazzard: Cale Yarborough Comes to Hazzard (#7.9)" (1984)
Sheriff Rosco Coltrane: You're Cale Yarborough, huh?
Cale Yarborough: That's right, officer. Two men bushwacked me...
Sheriff Rosco Coltrane: [interrupring] Ah, tiddely tuddely. If you're Cale Yarborough, I'm the tooth fairy!

"The Dukes of Hazzard: Goodbye General Lee (#4.11)" (1981)
Owl on gate: [Owl on gate hoots as the Sheriff sneaks his way by] Hoooo
Sheriff Rosco P. Coltrane: Who? Why, Sheriff Rosco P. Coltrane! That's who!

"The Dukes of Hazzard: The Dukes in Hollywood (#7.6)" (1984)
Boss Hogg: [Hogg is hassling Dillard the producer] Listen, I think it's time to talk about our deal. You know, for the J.D. Hogg story?
Sheriff Rosco Coltrane: Oooh!
[Dillard looks around for help]
Boss Hogg: How about this for casting, listen to this great idea:
Sheriff Rosco Coltrane: Listen to this.
Boss Hogg: For my wife Lulu: Bo Derek!

"The Dukes of Hazzard: Enos Strate to the Top (#3.2)" (1980)
Jefferson Davis 'Boss' Hogg: I've already found someone whose willing to kick back 50% of his pay!
Sheriff Rosco P. Coltrane: Who? Who could be that stupid?
Jefferson Davis 'Boss' Hogg: My third cousin, twice removed, Cletus Hogg!
Sheriff Rosco P. Coltrane: Uh, Cletus, C-Cletus Hogg?
Jefferson Davis 'Boss' Hogg: Yeah, Cousin Cletus Hogg!
Sheriff Rosco P. Coltrane: Oh, he is stupid! I mean, I mean even the dipsticks call him a dipstick!
Jefferson Davis 'Boss' Hogg: Well then he'll fit in perfect with you, won't he?

"The Dukes of Hazzard: Danger on the Hazzard Express (#7.10)" (1984)
Boss Hogg: [playing with a toy train] Oh Rosco, watchin' this little train go round this here track is the most fun I've ever had.
Sheriff Rosco Coltrane: Oh, me too.
Boss Hogg: And having two million bucks fall into my pocket at the same time makes it pure Hogg heaven!

"The Dukes of Hazzard: Undercover Dukes Part One (#6.16)" (1984)
Boss Hogg: You take that fleabitten friend of yours with ya.
Sheriff Rosco Coltrane: Oh!
Boss Hogg: And you bring me back enough information so as one day I can become a godfather myself.
Sheriff Rosco Coltrane: Oh, good. And listen, and when you make all that money being a godfather, then, since as you ain't got no children of your own, you can adopt me.
Boss Hogg: Huh? Adopt you?
Sheriff Rosco Coltrane: Hm-hm.
Boss Hogg: Alright, you can be my runaway son.
Sheriff Rosco Coltrane: Ooh!
Boss Hogg: So start runnin'!

"The Dukes of Hazzard: Sittin' Dukes (#7.11)" (1984)
Enos: I can't believe Luke or any of the Dukes would do a thing like that...
Sheriff Rosco Coltrane: Why Enos, you saw 'em with your own beady eyes, didn't you? How much proof do you need? Alright, let's go.
Benson: [grabs Rosco by the arm] Whoa!
Sheriff Rosco Coltrane: Whoa?
Benson: I'll leave, Colbrain.
Sheriff Rosco Coltrane: The name is Coltrane, there ain't no brain in it.
Benson: You can sure say that again.

"The Dukes of Hazzard: The Boar's Nest Bears (#6.5)" (1983)
A.C. Tate Jr.: So what kind a cheap trick are you planning, Hogg?
Sheriff Rosco Coltrane: I'll tell you what kind of a cheap trick he's planning: right this moment, those Duke boys are on their way out here, and they got that secreat weapon. I'm talking about a big, tall Muppet.
[Hogg stomps Rosco's toes]
Ruel McBride: The Moffet boy!

"The Dukes of Hazzard: Too Many Roscos (#6.3)" (1983)
Sheriff Rosco P. Coltrane: Police work's my life. Coo coo, I tell ya!

"The Dukes: The Canadian Caper (#2.5)" (1983)
Boss Hogg: It's like I died and went to heaven. Can you believe it, Rosco?
Sheriff Rosco P. Coltrane: Well, I'm trying, but see, I'm having trouble with the part about a double dealin', four flushin', flim-flammer like you boss gettin' to heaven.

"The Dukes of Hazzard: High Flyin' Dukes (#6.11)" (1983)
Sheriff Rosco Coltrane: I know that money doesn't grown on trees, but for the life of me I can't figure out how you plan on growin' a bunch of greenbacks on a field that don't grown nothing.
Boss Hogg: Yeah, well, that's because you work by the sweat of your brow, while I work by the sweat of my brains.

"The Dukes: Tales of the Vienna Hoods (#2.2)" (1983)
Sheriff Rosco P. Coltrane: Nobody's gonna buy a clock that's cuckoo, you know.

"The Dukes of Hazzard: Happy Birthday, General Lee (#7.1)" (1984)
Boss Hogg: Well what in the name of all that's holy is this thing?
Luke Duke: Boss, meet the General Lee.
Boss Hogg: Oh...
Sheriff Rosco Coltrane: Oh...
Boss Hogg:'s the General Lee.
Sheriff Rosco Coltrane: [muttering] General Lee...
Boss Hogg: Well it sure is the ugliest color I ever did see.
Sheriff Rosco Coltrane: Oh, ugly, ugly ugly!

"The Dukes of Hazzard: When You Wish Upon a Hogg (#7.14)" (1985)
Sheriff Rosco Coltrane: When you were a little fat kid didn't you read about Aladdin and his lamp
Boss Hogg: about Aladdin and his lamp? Listen, I was too busy runnin' a floatin' crap game at school to do much readin'.
Sheriff Rosco Coltrane: Well listen, let me tell ya the story. See, if you rub this lamp, if it's Aladdins, then the smoke comes out, hits the fan and then the genie pops out and gives you all sorts of wishes.
Boss Hogg: Oh, that lamp, the one with the genie. Oh I know all about that anyhow. Yeah, but you gotta be touched in the head to believe a fairy tale like that.
Sheriff Rosco Coltrane: I believe it...

"The Dukes: Jungle Jitters (#1.2)" (1983)
Sheriff Rosco P. Coltrane: Oh my gritchen gravy, would you look yonder!
Boss Hogg: It's one of them headen idols... with rubies for eyes and a diamond bigger than a Rudebaker. Why, that diamond alone is worth a dozen Hazzard counties.

"The Dukes of Hazzard: The Runaway (#2.14)" (1980)
Sheriff Rosco P. Coltrane: Judas Priest on a pony!

"The Dukes: Boss O'Hogg and the Little People (#2.1)" (1983)
Boss Hogg: You saw Leprechauns! Show me where they're dancin'.
Sheriff Rosco P. Coltrane: Eh, you mean right now?
Boss Hogg: Oh yeah, now, before the dance is over!
Sheriff Rosco P. Coltrane: Ok, but it beats me why you wanna get up in the middle of the night and go out dancing with a bunch of midgets.

"The Dukes: The Dukes in Hong Kong (#1.10)" (1983)
Sheriff Rosco P. Coltrane: Boss, do I have to take my pants off?
Boss Hogg: Oh of course not, Rosco. I'll never ask you to do nothing you don't want to do.
Sheriff Rosco P. Coltrane: Well, that's a relief.
Boss Hogg: So I won't be askin' you to do me this one itty-bitty little favor and model them prison outfits for Hazzard county.
Sheriff Rosco P. Coltrane: Oh, I 'preciate it, cuh!
Boss Hogg: Even though it might be the end of your career in law-enforcement.
Sheriff Rosco P. Coltrane: Ooh.
Boss Hogg: The removal of your kinfolk from the County preroad.
Sheriff Rosco P. Coltrane: Ooh!
Boss Hogg: And no more sassafraz cookies from my personal cookie jar.
Sheriff Rosco P. Coltrane: Ooh! No more sassafraz cookies?
Boss Hogg: No sireebob.

"The Dukes of Hazzard: Lulu's Gone Away (#6.1)" (1983)
Sheriff Rosco P. Coltrane: [about J.D. Hogg] Ooh, he's awesome when he's mad!

"The Dukes of Hazzard: Opening Night at the Boar's Nest (#7.17)" (1985)
Boss Hogg: What in hallelujah's goin' on in here, Rosco?
Sheriff Rosco Coltrane: Boss, listen here, the name is not Rosco, it's the Great Coltrano. And this is Flasho, and you interrupted my prestidigitation here.
Boss Hogg: Yeah, well, you're name will be Muddo if you don't explain all this nonsense and how you got this room so full of junk.

"The Dukes of Hazzard: Enos and Daisy's Wedding (#7.16)" (1985)
Sheriff Rosco Coltrane: Listen, Enos would like to speak to ya, Daisy, just a second if you've got the time.
Daisy Duke: Oh now, Rosco, don't you know it's bad luck for the groom to see the bride before the wedding?
Sheriff Rosco Coltrane: Well, I don't think that makes any difference at this point, I think the groom's had all the bad luck he can handle.

"The Dukes of Hazzard: Dead and Alive (#6.14)" (1984)
Sheriff Rosco Coltrane: [reluctantly picks up receiver] Oh, good grief. Eh, Sheriff Rosco P...
Sheriff Little: [interrupting on other line] Coltrane, I just wanted you to know I did what you have never been able to do: I've busted them Dukes. Grand theft, armored truck.

"The Dukes of Hazzard: Cooter's Confession (#6.21)" (1984)
Sheriff Rosco Coltrane: What we've got to do is we got to run his fingerprints through a computer, and then we find out who it is, then we arrest him, stuff him and cuff him, throw him in the klink, throw away the key and show him that he can't mess around with the laws in Hazzard county. And that no man is above or below the law in Hazzard.

"The Dukes of Hazzard: The Fortune Tellers (#6.22)" (1984)
Madame Delilah: Do you realize who I am? How dare you!
Sheriff Rosco Coltrane: Do you know who I am? I'm Sheriff Rosco P. Coltrane and when he tells ya to scoot, he means scoot.
[Madame Delilah leaves, Rosco addresses her assistant Three Pack]
Sheriff Rosco Coltrane: That goes for you too, ya tiny little turban tucker!
[Three Pack kicks him in the shins]