Bill Maplewood
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Quotes for
Bill Maplewood (Character)
from Happiness (1998)

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Happiness (1998)
Joe: What do you think would happen if I got him a professional... you know...
Bill: A professional?
Joe: Hooker. You know, the kind that can teach things... first-timers, you know... break him in.
Bill: But Joe, he's 11.
Joe: You're right, you're right. It's too late.

Billy Maplewood: Dickwad?
Bill: Yes, only "come" can be used as a verb as well.

Bill: What Ronald Farber doesn't know is that it's not length that matters, it's width.

Billy Maplewood: [sobbing] ... would you ever fuck me?
Bill: No... I'd jerk off instead.
[sobs]

Bill: I wake up happy, feeling good... but then I get very depressed, because I'm living in reality.

Bill: Have you tried playing with yourself?
Billy Maplewood: You mean...?
Bill: With your penis?
Billy Maplewood: A little.
Bill: How did it feel?
Billy Maplewood: I don't know? I don't know what to do.
Bill: Do you want me to, uh... show you?

Bill: I fucked them.
Billy Maplewood: What was it like?
Bill: It was... it was great.
Billy Maplewood: Would you do it again?
Bill: Yes.

[after Bill recalls his dream]
Psychiatrist: And how is this different?
Bill: I don't kill myself at the end.

Johnny Grasso: Do you have any tuna salad?
Bill: Would you like a sandwich?
Johnny Grasso: Yes please.

Trish: Oh, Bill. Please don't get mad at me. I know you hate it when I ask, but... Do you still?
Bill: Oh.
Trish: Oh.
Bill: Yes. Very very much.
Trish: Oh, Bill, and I do too! I'm sorry I need to keep being reminded, it's just...
Bill: I know.
Trish: And we haven't been.
Bill: I know. And it's my fault.
Trish: My fault.