Crypt Keeper
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Quotes for
Crypt Keeper (Character)
from "Tales from the Crypt" (1989)

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Tales from the Crypt: Demon Knight (1995)
Crypt Keeper: Fasten your drool cups, and ready your vomit bags! We're going to the movies! Frights, camera, action!

Crypt Keeper: [Disfigured corpse is about to murder woman in bath] Cuuut! cutcutcutcut cut. What the hell are you doing? You call that hack-ting?
Slasher: [Disfigured corpse turns out to be an actor, and it becomes apparent that scenery is really just a movie set] Well... Yes, as a matter of fact I do call it ACTING.
Crypt Keeper: Well let me tell you something pal, you're no Gory Cooper, you aren't even a Robert Deadford. Another take like that and it'll be back to bit parts for you, and I won't say what 'bits' I'm talking about.
[stressed sigh]
Crypt Keeper: okay everyone, reset!
Slasher: Directors; where'd they dig this guy up?

Crypt Keeper: [Ending Lines at the premiere] Ahh, the whole fang club is here! Hello, Baby-Bobby-Bubby!
[the Crypt Keeper then sees two producers with a guillotine]
Crypt Keeper: Uh, oh! I think my producers are trying to tell me something.
[Now, Crypty is locked in the guillotine]
Crypt Keeper: Well, whaddayaknow? I ask for final cut, and I got it!
[His head is cut off and rolls in the basket]
Crypt Keeper: Now, that's INTERRORTAINMENT!
[laughs manaiacally]


"Tales from the Crypt: Revenge Is the Nuts (#6.5)" (1994)
Crypt Keeper: Thanks, pal, for nothing.

Crypt Keeper: That Grunwald, one little problem and he goes right to pieces. At least now we know what's really eating him.
[Crypt Keeper laughs]


"Tales from the Crypt: Dead Right (#2.1)" (1990)
Crypt Keeper: Poor Cathy... she did buy the big one... and that Charlie, what a cut-up. Still, he wasn't sad in the end. You see, when Charlie got his just desserts, he requested seconds! And now, I predict the future... next week, you'll be at the same time, same place, same station, for another hideous, hateful hall of horror.

Crypt Keeper: I look into the future, my darlings... and for you, I see something... grotesque. It will sicken and disgust you! It's me!
[laughs maniacally]
Crypt Keeper: Tonight's tale is a sickening stab at suspense, about a gold digger who wanted big bucks to buy baubles and bangles. Look out, Cathy! I see you might just buy the big one!


"Tales from the Crypt: Mournin' Mess (#3.10)" (1991)
Crypt Keeper: Mmm... pretty tasteless, wouldn't you say? I guess in the end Mr. Sweeney learned not to go *digging* in other people's business. Although you'll be happy to hear that he's found himself a new career... as a ghostwriter!
[laughs maniacally]
Crypt Keeper: So, still hungry for dessert? I hope you like cannibal soup... it's mmm-mmm good!
[laughs maniacally]

Crypt Keeper: Ah, there you are! You're just in time! I'm trying a few new recipes from my new Betty Croaker's cookbook. I hope you like shish-ka-bob... damn! It isn't ready yet! Bob's still moving!
[laughs maniacally]
Crypt Keeper: Tonight's foul feast will begin with mashed potatoes, then onto some shrieking duck and finished with a nice kill-basa. I call this tasty tidbit, Mournin' Mess.


"Tales from the Crypt: Only Sin Deep (#1.4)" (1989)
Crypt Keeper: Poor Sylvia, eh, kiddies? Guess she heard the old saying, "if looks could kill"... so she did! Haha! Just goes to show ya, if you wanna sell yourself, take a look in the mirror, first.
[the Crypt Keeper looks at his own reflection]
Crypt Keeper: Eurgh! Well, see you next time, boys and ghouls!
[laughs maniacally]

Crypt Keeper: [looking into a mirror] Mirror, mirror, on the wall... who's the *fearest* of them all?
[the mirror shatters and the Crypt Keeper cackles]
Crypt Keeper: Looks like I just bought 7 years' bad luck! Speaking of bad luck, it's time for another nasty little terror tale from my crawly collection... and this one's got a message, too. It's a story about greed, death and a girl, who learned that beauty... is Only Sin Deep!
[laughs maniacally]


"Tales from the Crypt: And All Through the House (#1.2)" (1989)
Crypt Keeper: [In the closing narration, after Carrie screamed at the evil Santa Claus who was holding an axe] Well, how was that for a scream boys and ghouls? Oh, don't worry about little Carrie. This particular Santa preferred older women... in pieces, that is.
[laughing]

Crypt Keeper: Ho ho ho kiddies. Just your old pal The Cryptkeeper having a little fun. Why else would I be in this get up? Unless there was a clause in my contract. In fact I've got some Christmas goose for you, goosebumps that is. Yes indeed. A little terror chocked full of holiday fear. I mean cheer of course. So, get a gander in a yep yarn, that goes a little something like this. "'Twas the night before Christmas. And All through The House.


"Tales from the Crypt: Curiosity Killed (#4.14)" (1992)
Crypt Keeper: That Cynthia's a real shrieking violet, wouldn't you say, kiddies? A regular afterlife of the party!
[laughs maniacally]
Crypt Keeper: Didn't know I was a bore scout, did you? Well I am! My horrorticulture scareit badge requires me to plant croak-uses. Hmmm... A shame, really... I'd much rather plant... diebrids!
[laughs maniacally]

Crypt Keeper: GERONIMO!
[falls from the sky]
Crypt Keeper: So glad you could drop in, kill-seekers! Don't worry about me, it only *hearse* when I laugh!
[laughs maniacally and then groans in pain]
Crypt Keeper: Boy, that was good! It's even better than hang-gliding!
[laughs maniacally]
Crypt Keeper: Of course, some folks would rather keep their feet on terra firma, like the people in tonight's putrid piece. They're spending a nice, quiet weekend in the woods, going *hack* to nature!
[laughs maniacally]
Crypt Keeper: I call this fetid fable... Curiosity Killed.


"Tales from the Crypt: The Man Who Was Death (#1.1)" (1989)
Crypt Keeper: [flies buzz then get zapped by a bug zapper] Aww, poor little fellas. When I think of their childhood, all those cute little maggots hahahahaha. Our story is about a man with nobler ambitions. He likes to kill human pests and he does it in front of an audience. Now that's entertainment hahahaha. So hang onto your hats kiddies, this one's a real shocker.

Crypt Keeper: [Crypt Keeper sitting in an electric chair] God, what a revolting development. And what a switch for poor Talbot. It just goes to show what happens when you get too caught up in your work.
[Crypt Keeper pulls switch on electric chair and starts cackling as he's zapped]
Crypt Keeper: Don't worry though, I'm sure he never knew "watt" hit him hahahahahahahaha. So remember boys and girls, safety first
[turns electric chair on again and cackles more then goes into a coughing fit]


Bordello of Blood (1996)
The Crypt Keeper: [to the mummy's head] Trust me, quit while you're ahead.


Tales from the Crypt (1972)
[last lines]
The Crypt Keeper: Who's next?
[looks at camera]
The Crypt Keeper: Perhaps... you?


"Tales from the Crypt: Two for the Show (#5.6)" (1993)
Crypt Keeper: [in the show's intro, the Crypt Keeper is telling jokes as if in a nightclub act] How about that Ernest Hemingway, always shooting his mouth off!


"Tales from the Crypt: 'Til Death (#2.4)" (1990)
Crypt Keeper: Well, Psyche can work that old black magic on me anytime she wants.


Ritual (2002)
The Crypt Keeper: [in a fake Jamaican accent] Oh, what up my people? Welcome to Jamaica man! This is your old bosom bloody the Cryptkeeper.
Hot Girl: Nice hair.
The Crypt Keeper: Aint they cool? On me they call these "deadlocks".
[Cackles]
The Crypt Keeper: Woah! One of the things I love about Jamaica is the eye popping honeys. Of course, I'd prefer them with a little less meat on their bones, or better yet, just bones
[Cackles. A woman brings him a drink with a shrunken head in it]
The Crypt Keeper: T'anks but that's not what I be meanin when I say I want a little head.
[Cackles]
The Crypt Keeper: Anyway, mon, I just wrapped my new movie here in Jamaica, where they dance, smoke grass and all the nice girls be in the voodoo trance. What a place to work. You've got mangos, papayas,
[Focus in on a woman's breasts]
The Crypt Keeper: tourists and they're all so delicous.
[Cackles]
The Crypt Keeper: So enough of the jabberin'
[We focus in on a woman lying on her back. She's slowly taking off her bra]
The Crypt Keeper: Our movie awaits... oy! So sit back and relaxe kiddies, and don't worry, be happy! The beast is yet to come! Hahahahahahaha!


"Tales from the Cryptkeeper: While the Cat's Away (#1.1)" (1993)
Crypt Keeper: [Closing lines] Poor Stuart and Dwight, I bet they need a vacation. I guess they learned that stealing can have "grave" consequences! But don't worry, I'm pretty sure their criminal plans have been "laid to rest"! Hee hee hee hee hee!