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: [to her assistant
] People have no idea what it's like being me. Did we brush my teeth?
: Kiki? What was that movie called? Kiki
: I don't give a shit! Eddie
: No, that wasn't it.
: [part of Eddie's revenge fantasy
] Oh, Eddie, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I know you'll never forgive me, but please, please take me back. Oh... that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? Eddie
: Actually, it's a gun.
[shoots her multiple times
: [Eddie has just told Gwen he's "not technically" seeing anyone
] Well, that's fascinating. "Not technically"... hmm. That's, uh, that's sad, really. That's, uh... that's a shame.
[Kiki slams her frying pan on the table in front of Gwen
: Here are your eggs, my darling sister, I hope that's runny enough for you. And you, you son of a bitch!
[Kiki dumps the eggs in Eddie's lap
: Here are your eggs! There you go! Gwen
: What the hell is wrong with you, Kiki? Kiki
: A lot, actually, and you know, I cannot believe that it's taken me this long to figure it out! And... and... and I'm going to go for a long walk now, just to simmer down. But before I do, I would just like to cut through the bullshit. You see, sister, the reason why he's not *technically* seeing anyone is because he's still *technically* hung up on you.
[turns to Eddie
: And you, you... moron! The only reason she's here, besides trying to salvage her precious career, is to serve you with divorce papers. There, I've said it! I've done all I can do here. I'm going for a walk because that's, you know... leaving is just something that I've really perfected over the years. And so, once more, with feeling!
[Kiki storms out
: She was so much more fun when she was fat.
: Your pillow's better than mine.
: [to the press
] I'm on pain medication that makes me say things I'd never say otherwise. To set the record perfectly straight, Eddie and I never had any plans to reconcile. Hector
: [Hector clears his throat
] And? Gwen
: Oh, and Hector is very well-endowed. Hector
: Almost too well-endowed. I've had complaints. Literally.
: Eddie's really good... and he's my pillar of strength, you know. It's like Sodom and Gomorrah
: Gwen, your dog just swallowed your window washer. Gwen
: Puppy! Lee
: Puppy? It's a raptor. Kiki
: Time for Prozac. Excuse me. Lee
: She's on Prozac? Kiki
: If only. The dog.
: [about Larry King
] And those glasses. Who wears frames that big anymore. He looks like a bug!
: I bet you've never read a book in your life. Gwen
: Ha! I read *all four* of the Harry Potter books!
: Everyone hates me, everyone wants a piece of me. My therapist is out of the country, I wasn't nominated for a Golden Globe this year! Leave me alone!
: [about Eddie
] He was outside my cottage doing something... not good! Lee
: Gwen, everybody does it. Gwen
: I know everyone does it! That's not the point!
: I smell smoke. Is somebody smoking? Kiki
: I don't know. Gwen
: It's probably Larry. How many heart attacks has he had?
: Nobody hates you. Gwen
: Oh yes, they do. I was in a store the other day, you know that great store on Melrose? And there was a baby in a stroller and he was looking up at me and he was judging me. The whole world is judging me for what I did to Eddie.
: Just smile and shut up.
: Is that your foot? Kiki
: Sorry. Gwen
: Pedicure! Hello?
: You really need to go to this junket. Gwen
: [shakes her head
] No. Kiki
: Why not? Gwen
: I'm afraid. Kiki
: Of...? Gwen
: That I'll see Eddie and he'll be this destroyed, pathetic mess and I'll feel guilty. And I'm tired of feeling guilty, Kiki, I really am. Kiki
: I know. Gwen
: I'm always thinking about other people. Kiki
: I know you are. Gwen
: It's awful when you're the only person who cares about other people's feelings. If they see Eddie and he's down and depressed, they're going to pity him and blame me. Kiki
: So, what you're really worried about is you. Gwen
: Of course.
: Can I defend my father's work? Gwen
: No, you cannot. Who's her father? Lee
: Hal. Gwen
: No, you cannot! Leaf Weidmann
: Well, at least let me defend Hector. I only slept with him once, but I know his penis is bigger than a roll of quarters.
: [to Hector
] You slept with her? Hector
: No! I did not... Gwen
: You slept with her! Hector
: No! No, she is lying!
[grabs the microphone
: Except for the part about my penis. That's true. It's bigger than coins.
: [as Doctor Martin
] Read from the top line Sasha. Gwen
: [as Sasha
] I-L-O-V-E-Y-O... Oh. Eddie
: [as Doctor Martin
] You. Gwen
: [as Sasha
] Doctor Martin.
: Okay, let's go to phone calls now on "Larry King Live". White Plains, you're on the air with Gwen Harrison. Caller #1
: Hi, Larry. Gwen
: Hi! Caller #1
: Gwen, um... hi. I used to be a big fan, but... I'm sorry, I just can't get over what happened between you and Eddie. I'm so sick over it. I can't sleep at night. How can you? Gwen
: Well, um... uh... Larry King
: Well, you do sleep next to a very handsome young Spanish gentleman, do you not?
] Larry King
: Let's go to our next call. Rock Island, Illinois, hello. Caller #2
: Hi, Larry. Gwen, I saw your latest movie. Gwen
: Thank you! Caller #2
: I just couldn't sit through it. I can't watch you without Eddie. It's just not the same.
: It's just not fair. There's all this pressure on me, and none whatsoever on Eddie, is there? He's probably all Summer having the time of his life.
: You look fabulous. Kiki
: Thank you. Lee
: Look at you. What did you do? Is it your hair? What is it? Kiki
: It's my hair, and, err... I had a little sun. Gwen
] She lost sixty pounds. Kiki
] And... And... And I lost a little weight. Lee
: I see that. Yeah. You look terrific. Kiki
: Thank you. Lee
: Sixty pounds? Kiki
: Yeah. Lee
: That's a Backstreet Boy!
: Eddie is not demented. It was a one-time incident. This is a forgive-and-forget kind of thing. Gwen
: He tried to kill me, Lee. Am I the only person who remembers that? Attempted murder doesn't get people's attention anymore?
: Is Kiki here? Gwen
: I doubt it.
: Kiki! Kiki! I don't know where that girl is.
: Are you seeing anybody?
: Are you seeing anybody? Eddie
: Let me think about how I answer that? Um, not... you know...
: ... Not technically, no. Kiki
] What? Gwen
: He said "not technically".
: [Eddie is standing on the roof
] Is that Pussy Boy? Gwen
: Oh, my God! He's gonna jump! Lee
: He's not gonna jump. Gwen
: I said I was going to give him the divorce papers. Lee
: Shit, he's gonna jump!
: You know what this is? This is high school all over again. Nothing has changed. You wanted to break up with one of your boyfriends in high school, did you do it? No! You made me do it. Gwen
: I did not! Kiki
: Oh, please! Let's just refresh your memory. Robert Mancuta? Gwen
: Eww! Kiki
: Kyle Hassler? Gwen
: Oh, God... Kiki
: Toby Franks? Half the lacrosse team? Ring a bell? Huh? By the end of the year, I was the most hated girl in school. Gwen
: That's not true. Kiki
: My quote in the yearbook was, "Hey, we have to talk." I was despised.
: I hate Larry King! Why did I do his stupid show? Kiki
: Just breathe. Gwen
: I don't want to breathe! "Your last two movies crashed and burned"... I wanted to choke him to death with those stupid suspenders. Everyone hates me. Kiki
: That's not true. The lighting was great. Everyone said you looked great. Gwen
: Who? Larry King Producer
: [passes by
] You looked great. Kiki
: See? Gwen
: [to the producer
: As if she really knows.
: [caught on Hal's hidden camera
] I slept with him. Kiki
] Hector? Are you in love with him? Gwen
: Come on! It's not always about love. Sometimes you just need to get laid.
: [caught on Hal's hidden camera
: I tell you, he's hot. Handsome. He can go for hours. I just wish he had a bigger, you know... thingy. It's like a roll of quarters.
[holds out her lipstick
: It's like this.
[twists lipstick down
: Well... maybe like this.
: So, do you want to arrive first or second? Eddie
: Second. Lee
: Be right back.
[goes to Gwen's limo
: He wants to go second. Kiki
: Let him go second. Gwen
: He can go second. No, wait a minute. He should go first. I don't want to look like his opening act. I want to go second. Kiki
: She wants to go second. Lee
: Second it is.
[goes back to Eddie's limo
: She wants to go second. Eddie
: Fine, let her come second. I don't care. Let her come behind me. That way she'll be able to see the knife she stuck in my back. Lee
: Thank you.
[back at Gwen's limo
: Second? We're all set. Gwen
: Who cares? Kiki
: She doesn't care. Gwen
: Yes, I do! I'm going first! Eddie
: [back at Eddie's limo
] I don't care! I don't care! Why is this an issue? Lee
: I'm just trying to facilitate the... Eddie
: I don't care! Can we just get to the hotel? Lee
: You're going second. Eddie
: [rolling up the window
] I don't care! I don't care! I don't care! I don't care! Lee
: You're going second. Eddie? You're going second. Eddie
: [rolls down the window
] I don't care. Lee
: Okay. Thank you.
: You love me. Eddie
: Yes, I do. I do love you. I love that beautiful, bright, sexy woman up on the screen... Gwen
: [to the crowd
] See? He loves me. Eddie
: Yeah, the girl I used to make movies with. But that's not the real you. That's you pretending to be real, which you're really good at. So when I'm with you in real life, I think I'm going to be with the real you, but I'm not. I'm with the real you that's with me right now, not the real you from the movies, and I don't want to be with... *you*.
: Look... I'm tired of making excuses. I'm done picking up dirty clothes. I'm done pretending that your life is my whole life. I'm just... I'm done. Gwen
: So what you're really worried about is you. Kiki
: [thinks for a second
] Yes. Gwen
: Well, I... guess you're fired.
[Gwen darts a glance at the audience, then throws her arms around Kiki
: Honey! You know all I care about is your happiness. You know that, right? Kiki
: Wow. Thank you, Gwen, that's very... Gwen
: [pulls away from Kiki and grabs the microphone
] So don't worry about me, everybody. I'll be fine!
: You're unbelievable. Gwen
: Shut up!
: Who is this? Lee
: Hi, Hector, I'm Lee Phillips, press agent for "Time Over Time." Just in case you thought I was some guy coming to sweep her off her feet. Hector
: No, no. You're too old. Gwen
: Oh! Hector, honey, be good. I'm sorry, Lee, he's Spanish. Lee
: No problem. I was Spanish once myself.