Jeff Spicoli
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Quotes for
Jeff Spicoli (Character)
from Fast Times at Ridgemont High (1982)

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Fast Times at Ridgemont High (1982)
Jeff Spicoli: This is U.S. History, I see the globe right there.

Jeff Spicoli: Aloha, Mr. Hand.

Jeff Spicoli: What Jefferson was saying was, Hey! You know, we left this England place 'cause it was bogus; so if we don't get some cool rules ourselves - pronto - we'll just be bogus too! Get it?

[Spicoli has had a pizza delivered to class]
Mr. Hand: Am I hallucinating here? Just what in the hell do you think you're doing?
Jeff Spicoli: Learning about Cuba, and having some food.
Mr. Hand: Mr.Spicoli, You're on dangerous ground here. You're causing a major disturbance on my time.
Jeff Spicoli: I've been thinking about this, Mr. Hand. If I'm here and you're here, doesn't that make it our time? Certainly, there's nothing wrong with a little feast on our time.
Mr. Hand: [takes away box of pizza from Spicoli] You're absolutrly right, Mr. Spicoli. It is our time. Yours, mine and everyone else's in this room. But it is my class.
[calls up a couple of students]
Mr. Hand: Mr. Spicoli has been kind enough to bring us a snack. Be my guest. Help yourselves. Get a Good one.

Brad Hamilton: Why don't you get a job Spicoli?
Jeff Spicoli: What for?
Brad Hamilton: You need money.
Jeff Spicoli: All I need are some tasty waves, a cool buzz, and I'm fine.

Jeff Spicoli: [driving and stoned] People on 'ludes should not drive.

[after Spicoli wrecks Jefferson's car]
Jefferson's Brother: My brother's gonna kill us! He's gonna kill us! He's gonna kill you and he's gonna kill me, he's gonna kill us!
Jeff Spicoli: Hey man, just be glad I had fast reflexes!
Jefferson's Brother: My brother's gonna shit!
Jeff Spicoli: Make up your mind, dude, is he gonna shit or is he gonna kill us?
Jefferson's Brother: First he's gonna shit, then he's gonna kill us!
Jeff Spicoli: Relax, all right? My old man is a television repairman, he's got this ultimate set of tools. I can fix it.

Jeff Spicoli: No shirt, no shoes...
Jeff and Stoner Buds: No dice! Ohhhh.
Brad Hamilton: Right. Learn it. Know it. Live it.
Jeff Spicoli: He's the full hot orator.

[Spicoli, talking on the phone, hits his head with a shoe]
Jeff Spicoli: That was my skull! I'm so wasted!

Curtis Spicoli: Dad says you have to get up
Jeff Spicoli: LEAVE ME ALONE!
Curtis Spicoli: Dad says you're gonna be late again you butthole!
Jeff Spicoli: LEAVE ME ALONE!
Curtis Spicoli: Dad says you're gonna be late again you booger!

Jeff Spicoli: Those guys are fags.

Stu Nahan: [Spicoli is dreaming that he's won a surfing competition] Hello everybody! I'm Stu Nahan, and I'd like you to meet this young man. His name, Jeff Spicoli. And Jeff, congratulations to you. Things looked kind of rough out there today.
Jeff Spicoli: Well, I'll tell you Stu, I did battle some humongous waves! But you know, just like I told the guy on ABC, "Danger is my business!"
Stu Nahan: You know, a lot of people expected maybe Mark "Cutback" Davis or Bob "Jungle Death" Gerrard would take the honors this year.
Jeff Spicoli: [laughs incredulously] Those guys are fags!
Stu Nahan: [oblivious] That's fantastic! Let me ask you a question. When you get out there, do you ever fear for your life?
Jeff Spicoli: Well Stu I'll tell you, surfing's not a sport, it's a way of life, it's no hobby. It's a way of looking at that wave and saying, "Hey bud, let's party!"
[focuses on Stu's sport coat]
Jeff Spicoli: Where'd you get this jacket?
Stu Nahan: [evasive] I got this from the network. Let me ask you a question. What's next for Jeff Spicoli?
Jeff Spicoli: Heading over to the Australian and Hawaiian internationals, and then me and Mick are going to wing on over to London and jam with the Stones!
[to the two girls next to him]
Jeff Spicoli: And you guys are invited too!

Jeff Spicoli: Hey, you're ripping my card.
Mr. Hand: Yes.
Jeff Spicoli: Hey bud, what's your problem?
Mr. Hand: No problem at all. I think you know where the front office is.
Jeff Spicoli: [stunned] You dick!

[a science class is visiting the morgue]
Mr. Vargas: Are you in my class?
Jeff Spicoli: I am today.

Mr. Hand: [passing back exams] 'C', 'D', 'F'. 'F'. 'F'. For three weeks we have been talking about the Platt Amendment. It was passed in nineteen-hundred and six.
[notices Spicoli's seat is empty]
Mr. Hand: Where is Jeff Spicoli? I saw him earlier today, near the first floor bathrooms, is he still on campus? Anyone?
[Desmond raises hand]
Mr. Hand: Yes, Desmond?
Desmond: I saw him outside, near the food machines.
Mr. Hand: How long ago?
Desmond: Right before class.
Mr. Hand: All right. Bring him in.
[Desmond exits]
Mr. Hand: What is this fascination with truancy? What is it that gets inside of your heads? There are some teachers at this school who look the other way at truants. It's a little game you both play. They pretend they don't see you, and you pretend you don't ditch! Now, in the end, who pays the price? YOU!
[Desmond re-enters; Spicoli follows him. He has a bagel stuffed into crotch; with open shirt, barefoot, holding Vans]
Jeff Spicoli: [Desmond re-enters; Spicoli follows with bagel stuffed into crotch; with open shirt, barefoot, holding Vans] Wait a minute, there's no birthday party for me here! Hello, Mr. Hand.
Mr. Hand: What's the reason for your truancy?
Jeff Spicoli: Just couldn't make it on time.
Mr. Hand: You couldn't, or you wouldn't?
Jeff Spicoli: See, there was a full crowd at the food lines.
Mr. Hand: Food will be eaten on YOUR time. Why are you continuously late for this class, Mr. Spicoli? Why do you shamelessly waste my time like this?
Jeff Spicoli: [long pause, but then with complete truth in his answer] I don't know.
Mr. Hand: [Mr. Hand goes to blackboard and writes the words 'I Don't Know', then underlines them]
[reciting]
Mr. Hand: I like that. 'I Don't Know.' That's nice.
[imitating]
Mr. Hand: 'Mr. Hand, will I pass this class?' Gee, Mr. Spicoli, I don't know! You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to leave your words right up here for all my classes to enjoy, giving you full credit of course, Mr. Spicoli.
Jeff Spicoli: All right!

Jeff Spicoli: Hey, wait a minute, there's no birthday party for me here!

[upon entering the restaurant where Brad Hamilton works, Jeff Spicoli and his two friends take off their shirts]
Brad Hamilton: Hey, you guys had shirts on when you came in here.
Jeff Spicoli: Well, something must have happened to them.

[last lines]
Jeff Spicoli: Awesome! Totally awesome! All right, Hamilton!

Jeff Spicoli: Hey, Bud, let's party!

Mr. Vargas: They sold their bodies to medicine for money. About $30, I think.
Dr. Miller: Twenty-five.
Jeff Spicoli: Righteous bucks!

Jeff Spicoli: People on 'ludes should not drive!