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Hammy the Squirrel
: [Slipping on kitchen floor
] No grip! No grip! No grip!... RJ
: Hammy, less claw, more pad. Hammy the Squirrel
: Oh, okay.
[Hammy zips across the room, crashes into wall
] Hammy the Squirrel
: That hurt.
: Something you said yesterday really touched me right here. It starts with an F, remember what that was? Verne
: Family? RJ
: Yeah yeah right that. You see Verne I use to have had all that. My own place, surrounded by loved ones, universal remote. But all that went away with... the weed hacker incident.
: Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on. The what is what? Verne
: Whenever something doesn't feel right, my tail tingles. And let me tell you something, everything you've said so far is driving my tail crazy.
: [after making him look like a rabid squirrel
] Now show me that vicious look in your eye, boy. Come on! Hammy the Squirrel
: Oh, oh, I can burp my ABC's
] Hammy the Squirrel
: A, B, C... RJ
: HAMMY! I just really need you to focus right now, okay? Hammy the Squirrel
: [after installing a lot of traps
] What about this one, this Depelter Turbo? Dwayne
: That's a contraband item, ma'am, as it is illegal in every state,
[with his hand over his heart
: except Texas. Gladys
: I don't care if this violates the Geneva Conventions, I want it. Dwayne
: I thought you might, so I took the liberty of installing it for you.
[as he tosses a stuffed bear in it
: Adios, animal infenstation. RJ
: [it traps it
] AHHHHH! Gladys
: [we see it in a cage, with outside burned off
] Ohhh, very nice.
: [after getting chased away
] See what I mean? That's what I was talking about. These humans don't want us *around*. RJ
: So we scared her and she over-reacted, no biggy. Verne
: No biggy? No that's what we call a biggy. RJ
: C'mon, think about the food, it was worth it for that food, that stuff is to die for.
[Ozzy faints and Heather rolls her eyes
: Let me rephrase that. Verne
: No, to die for, you nailed that part. Look, maybe our little forest life seems primative to a guy with a bag. RJ
: What! Verne
: But I think I speak for all of us when I say that we want *nothing* to do with *anything* that's *over that hedge*.
[they begin to walk away
: Oh come on. You haven't even tried doughnuts yet. You wanna store some fat, that is the way to store some fat, you'll be sweating through the winter.
[they don't listen
: Okay, okay you guys sleep on it. Good idea, I'm gonna check back with you.
: Shoot! Almost had them.
: Vincent, wait! I can get it all back! That's right. If you eat me, you'd have to do it. But I can get it, all of it. Vincent
: My red wagon? RJ
: Redder! Vincent
: The blue cooler? RJ
: Blue cooler. On my list! Gotta be blue? Vincent
: Yes! And I want my Spuddies. I love those things. 'Cause with a Spuddie, enough just isn't enough. RJ
: So true. Painfully true. And I'll tell you what. I'm gonna get you the giant picnic pack, family-fun size. Vincent
: They have that? RJ
: I'm pretty sure. Vincent
: All right, R.J. I'm going back to sleep. When that moon is full, I'm waking up, and all my stuff had better be right back where it was. RJ
: But that's just one week! That's impossible for one guy!
[Vincent squeezes on RJ's head
: A week's perfect. I'll get some helpers. Vincent
: Full moon, all my stuff. And don't even think about running away, because if you do, I will hunt you down and kill you.
: Please don't think I'm prying, but I couldn't help overhearing, and I think I can shed a little light on what this whole hedge situation is about. You see, what was once mere wilderness is now 54 acres of man-made, manicured, air-conditioned paradise.
[Points at map
: Except for that little-bitty speck. You are here.
: No, no, that's a good thing. You're hibernators, right? You gather up a bunch of food, store it away for the winter? Hammy the Squirrel
: Aha! We fill the log! Verne
: Hammy. RJ
: Really? This log? This cave-like log? Ozzie
: All the way to the top. Verne
: Ozzie. RJ
: Let me ask ya, how long's it take, you know, to fill the log? Heather
: Two-hundred and seventy-four days. RJ
: Ooh! Ever done it in a week? Verne
: That's impossible. RJ
: Not if we work together. You see, you've got the food-gathering skills, I've got the know-how, and they have the food. Heather
: How much food? RJ
: Loads of food! Heaps of food! Food out the wazoo! Verne
: Well, you know, whatever kind of food comes out of a wazoo, I really don't think we're interested in eating. Lou
: I don't know. The guy's making a lot of sense to me. I think we should listen. Penny
: Yeah. I'm okay with wazoo food there.
: Now if a human does happen to see you, just lay down, roll over and give your privates a good licking. They love it!
Hammy the Squirrel
: What is that? RJ
: That, my friend, is a magical combination of corn flour, dehydrated cheese solids, BHA, BHT, and good old MSG; a.k.a., the chip, nacho cheese flavor.
: [after Verne falls off his shell again
] What is the point of this thing?
: But this house is like a fortress. Walls, so high. Doors, impenetrable. How will we get in? RJ
: The collar is the key.
[Shows video on cell phone of Tiger entering door
: Literally, the collar is like a key that opens the door, and if... Stella
: And what? You think he's just gonna hand over his collar to you? RJ
: Not to me, my femme fatale. To you. Verne
: Her? Stella
: Me? RJ
: You, Stella, will get that cat to give you his collar by using... Stella
: My stink. RJ
: ...your feminine charms. Hammy the Squirrel
: Ha ha ha! - Was that out loud?
: So he can do a couple of tricks. I mean, it's not like he can walk on water. RJ
: [Walking across a pool on floats
] Hey, everybody! This way to the food!
: And there they are. America's most coveted cookies. Love Handles, Skinny Mints, Neener-Neeners, and Smackeroons. And guess what? They're all yours!
[Hammy jumps, but RJ stops him
: Whoa, Hamilton. Hold on there, fella. I love your energy, but you just can't take them. Hammy the Squirrel
: But you just said they're mine. RJ
: They will be, if we successfully marry your manic energy to my brilliant plan. You with me, kid? Hammy the Squirrel
: I... I... I... RJ
: The ayes have it. Let's ride.
: Wow. RJ
: Vincent! Vincent
: So I was just on my way down here to kill you, and I stopped to watch the show, and I gotta say... that right there, is a thing of beauty. That is the most vicious, deceitful, self-serving thing I've ever seen.
: Classic RJ. You take the food, and they take the fall. You keep this up, your gonna end up just like me. Having everything you ever wanted. RJ
: But I already had that. Vincent
: What, them? Who are you kidding? You said it yourself, you're a family of one. Always will be. It's how guys like you and me survive. So a few saps got hurt in the process. Tough. That's life. Trust me, you don't need them. RJ
: Actually, I do. And right now, they really need me. So I really need this!
[Takes the wagon with all the food
: SSShhhhh! Verne
: Oh, no! I'm not falling for any more of your smooth talk!
: Now listen, champ. Okay, what we're goin' for here is a vicious, man-eating, rabid squirrel. Can you handle that? Hammy the Squirrel
: Umm, excuse me!
: Yes, Hammy? Hammy the Squirrel
: Rabbits aren't vicious. They're all cute and cuddly, so... RJ
: *Rabid*, not rabbit. Hammy the Squirrel
: Oh! Huh?
: No, Hammy, not the cookie. I told you that cookie was junk! Hammy the Squirrel
: But I like the cookie.
: That is an S.U.V; Humans ride in then because they are slowly losing their ability to walk. Penny
: Jeepers, its so big! Lou
: How many humans fit in there? RJ
: Usually, one.
Hammy the Squirrel
: Wanna help me find my nuts? RJ
: Very tempting, Hammy, very tempting...
: [Lays down some Monopoly play pieces to signify what they will do
] Okay, this is us. Hammy the Squirrel
: Can I be the car? Bucky
: I wanna be the car! Spike
: I'm the car. You be the shoe. Bucky
: The shoe is lame. Lou
: Why don't you be that snazzy-looking iron there? RJ
: Hey! It's not important. Besides, I'm the car. I'm *always* the car.
: [beneath the window
] Bear! RJ
: What's that? Verne
: Bear! RJ
: Hair? Verne
: Bear! RJ
: Air? Verne
: Bear! RJ
: Oh, *BEAR*!
: Now, the traps are set here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, and here. Here, here, here, here, big one here, here, and maybe a few over here. Stella
: Gee, it's that all? RJ
: No. There's bunch of red lights all over here. You OK, Verne? Look a little green. Verne
: I blacked out for a second there, but... I get the idea: there's lights, traps and I might need to change my shell.
: Do you like the cookie? Hammy the Squirrel
: I like the cookie! RJ
: [Throws cookie away
] Well this cookie's yuck! Hammy the Squirrel
: But I thought I liked the cookie...
: Shoo, go on, get away from here. My owner does not give scraps to common strays. Stella
: Common strays? Alright, you asked for it...
[turns and raises rear
] Get the collar! Stella
: Gee, that's a nice collar you got on. Mind if I have a look? Tiger
: No-no-no-no-no! Come no closer! I must not be so near a creature of the outdoor woods.
: Away with your filth! Stella
: My filth? My *filth*? Penny
: Oh jeepers here we go. Stella
: Okay, that's it. I'm sick and tired of everybody taking one look at me and running away 'cause they think I'm filthy. Well I got news for you: I didn't get primped and preened to have some overfed, pompous puffball tell me he's too good for me. I've got makeup on my *butt*, dude! And you don't even want to know about the cork! Tiger
: Stop! No one has *ever* spoken to me like that!
: It is bold... I like it. Stella
: Yeah? Well, there's more where that came from, uh... puffball!
[Leads him away from the door
: You're strong. Your essence is overpowering. Stella
: [pushes tail down
] Wh-what do you mean by that? Tiger
: It is your eyes. Stella
: My eyes? Tiger
: They are... luminous. Stella
: Luminous... Dang.
: [Verne is about to eat a diaper
] That's a diaper, and that *does* come out of a wazoo.
: [showing the other animals around the houses
] They *always* got food with them. We eat to live - these guys live to eat! Let me show you what I'm talking about! RJ
: [as he speaks he shows the other animals what humans do
] The human mouth is called a 'piehole', the human being is called a 'couch potato'. RJ
: [signifies telephone
] *That* is a device to summon food. RJ
: [signifies doorbell
] That is one of the many voices of food. RJ
: [signifies front door
] *That* is the portal for the passing of food. RJ
: [signifies delivery truck
] *That* is one of the many food transportation vehicles. Humans bring the food, take the food, ship the food, they drive food, they wear the food! RJ
: [signifies grill
] *That* gets the food hot! RJ
: [signifies cooler
] *That* keeps the food cold! RJ
: [signifies turtle pinata
] *That*... I'm not sure what that is. RJ
: [kids break the turtle piñata and Verne yells
] Well, what do you know? FOOD! RJ
: [signifies table where family prays before dinner
] *That* is the altar where they WORSHIP food! RJ
: [signifies advert for Seltzer
] That's what they eat when they've eaten TOO MUCH food! RJ
: [signifies treadmill
] *That* gets rid of the guilt so they can eat MORE FOOD! FOOD! FOOD! FOOD! FOOD! FOOOOOD! So, you think they have enough? RJ
: [everybody nods
] Well, they don't. For humans, enough is *never* enough! And what do they do with the stuff they don't eat? They put it in gleaming silver cans, just for us! RJ
: [opens the thrash cans and knocks them over
] Dig in!
: We eat to live. These guys live to eat!
: [to Verne
] *You*, my friend, are a natural. Or should I say au naturel?
[Verne realizes he is naked and his shell is on the curb
Hammy the Squirrel
: [points angrily to his reflection in a car fender
] *This* guy's not comin' with us, is he? 'Cause I don't want him to! RJ
] Oh, I have so much work to do.
[RJ is trying to get a snack from the snack machine and it breaks
: No! Come on!
: RJ? The moon's not full yet...
[notices RJ has his food
: RJ. Don't tell me you're dumb enough to come up here and steal my stuff. RJ? I'm gonna have to kill you.
[Advances on RJ
: WAIT! The food is still in the cave, so technically, not stolen!
[accidentally bumps into the wagon, sending it down the hill
: Oh no, no, no, no! STOP!
[the wagon stops, RJ and Vincent chuckle nervously at each other until a truck destroys the wagon and food
: Please, Vincent! I'm just a desperate guy trying to feed his family! Vincent
: You don't have a family, RJ. RJ
: I meant a family of one.
: [while Verne begs RJ to get out of the house
] Look! I got about this long to hand over that wagonload of food to a homicidal bear - and if these Spuddies aren't on the menu, I will be! Now let go of my tail! Verne