Dr. Herman Einstein
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Quotes for
Dr. Herman Einstein (Character)
from Arsenic and Old Lace (1944)

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Arsenic and Old Lace (1944)
Dr. Einstein: At least people in plays act like they've got sense.
Mortimer Brewster: Oh, you think so? Did you ever see anybody in a play act like they got any intelligence?
Dr. Einstein: [agonizing] How can somebody be so stupid!

[discussing the body count]
Dr. Einstein: You got twelve, they got twelve.
[angrily grabs Dr. Einstein's necktie]
Jonathan Brewster: I've got thirteen!
Dr. Einstein: No, Johnny, twelve - don't brag.
Jonathan Brewster: Thirteen! There's Mr. Spinalzo and the first one in London, two in Johannesburg, one in Sydney, one in Melbourne, two in San Francisco, one in Phoenix, Arizona...
Dr. Einstein: Phoenix?
Jonathan Brewster: The filling station...
Dr. Einstein: Filling station? Oh!
[slits throat]
Dr. Einstein: Yes.
Jonathan Brewster: Then three in Chicago and one in South Bend. That makes thirteen.
Dr. Einstein: You cannot count the one in South Bend. He died of pneumonia!
Jonathan Brewster: He wouldn't have died of pneumonia if I hadn't shot him!
Dr. Einstein: No, no, Johnny. You cannot count him. You got twelve, they got twelve. The old ladies is just as good as you are!

Dr. Einstein: Where am I? Oh, here I am.

Dr. Einstein: [to Jonathon] We got a hot stiff on our hands!

[after listening to Mortimer's description of a character in a play]
Dr. Einstein: You know, you were right about that fellow. He wasn't very bright.

Dr. Einstein: You shouldn't have killed him. Just because he know something about us, what happens?
Jonathan Brewster: We come to him for help, and he tries to shake us down. Besides, he said I looked like Boris Karloff!

Jonathan Brewster: Tonight, we are taking care of Mortimer.
Dr. Einstein: But, Johnny, not tonight. I'm sleepy. We'll do it tomorrow, or the next day.
Jonathan Brewster: Look at me, Doctor. You can see that it's got to be done, can't you?
Dr. Einstein: Yeah, I know that look.
Jonathan Brewster: It's a little late to dissolve our partnership.
Dr. Einstein: Okay, okay, Johnny. Okay, we'll do it. But the quick way, huh? The quick twist like in London.
Jonathan Brewster: No, Doctor. I think this calls for something special. I think, perhaps, the Melbourne method.
Dr. Einstein: [cringing] No! Not the Melbourne method, please! Two hours!

Jonathan Brewster: [pulling on surgical gloves] And now doctor... we go to work!
Dr. Einstein: No, Johnny. I cannot operate without a drink!
Jonathan Brewster: Pull yourself together, doctor!
Dr. Einstein: I cannot pull myself together without a drink!

Dr. Einstein: Alright, Mr. President, we go to Panama.
Teddy Brewster: Bully, bully! Follow me, General. It's down south, you know.
Dr. Einstein: [hat falling across his eyes] Well, Bon voyage!

Teddy Brewster: [showing Einstein a photo] This is the picture I was telling you about, General. Here we are, both of us. President Roosevelt and General Goethals. That's me, General, and that's you.
Dr. Einstein: My how I've changed.

Dr. Einstein: [to Mortimer] Look, when Johnny's in that mood, he's a madman! He's a maniac! And then things happen. Horrible things...
[draws finger across throat]

Martha Brewster: Are you leaving, Doctor?
Dr. Einstein: Yes, please.