Quotes for
Billy Ray Valentine (Character)
from Trading Places (1983)

Trading Places (1983)

Billy Ray Valentine: [watches Louis clean his shotgun] You know, you can't just go around and shoot people in the kneecaps with a double-barreled shotgun 'cause you pissed at 'em.
Louis Winthorpe III: Why not?
Billy Ray Valentine: 'Cause it's called assault with a deadly weapon, you get 20 years for that shit.
Louis Winthorpe III: Listen, do you have any better ideas?
Billy Ray Valentine: Yeah. You know, it occurs to me that the best way you hurt rich people is by turning them into poor people.
Coleman: You have to admit, sir, you didn't like it yourself a bit.

Coleman: [offering Billy Ray a sip from his flask; Coleman dressed as a priest, Billy Ray in African garb] Would you like a sip of whiskey?
Billy Ray Valentine: I do not drink, it is against my religion!
Coleman: Religion is a good thing I say, taken in moderation.

[last lines]
Louis: Looking good, Billy Ray!
Billy Ray: Feeling good, Louis!

Billy Ray: [posing as "Nenge Mboko," an exchange student from Cameroon] Merry New Year!
Beeks: That's "happy." In this country we say "Happy New Year."
Billy Ray: Oh, ho, ho, thank you for correcting my English which stinks!

Louis Winthorpe III: [approaching the New York Commodities Exchange] Think big, think positive, never show any sign of weakness. Always go for the throat. Buy low, sell high. Fear? That's the other guy's problem. Nothing you have ever experienced will prepare you for the absolute carnage you are about to witness. Super Bowl, World Series - they don't know what pressure is. In this building, it's either kill or be killed. You make no friends in the pits and you take no prisoners. One minute you're up half a million in soybeans and the next, boom, your kids don't go to college and they've repossessed your Bentley. Are you with me?
Billy Ray Valentine: Yeah, we got to kill the motherf... - we got to kill 'em!

Louis Winthorpe III: Nenge? Nenge Mboko? It is me, Lionel Joseph!
Billy Ray Valentine: Lionel! From the African Education Conference!
Louis Winthorpe III: Yah, mon, I was Director of Cultural Activities at the Haile Selassie Pavilion.
Billy Ray Valentine: I remember the pavilion - we had big fun there!
Both: Boo-boo yah, boo-boo yah, boo-boo yah, hah! Boo-boo yah, boo-boo yah, boo-boo yah, hah!
Billy Ray Valentine: Oh, memories!

Billy Ray Valentine: Get the fuck out!

Louis Winthorpe III: [after ruining the Dukes] Happy New Year!
Randolph Duke: [hoarsely] Winthorpe.
Mortimer Duke: [stunned] Valentine.
Billy Ray Valentine: Hey! How'd y'all make out today?
Mortimer Duke: How could you do this to us after everything we've done for you?
Billy Ray Valentine: Oh, see, I made Louis a bet here. See, Louis bet me that we couldn't both get rich and put y'all in the poor house at the same time. He didn't think we could do it. I won.
Louis Winthorpe III: [grinning] I lost... One dollar.
Billy Ray Valentine: Thank you, Louis.
Louis Winthorpe III: After you.
Billy Ray Valentine: Certainly.

Randolph Duke: Exactly why do you think the price of pork bellies is going to keep going down, William?
Billy Ray Valentine: Okay, pork belly prices have been dropping all morning, which means that everybody is waiting for it to hit rock bottom, so they can buy low. Which means that the people who own the pork belly contracts are saying, "Hey, we're losing all our damn money, and Christmas is around the corner, and I ain't gonna have no money to buy my son the G.I. Joe with the kung-fu grip! And my wife ain't gonna f... my wife ain't gonna make love to me if I got no money!" So they're panicking right now, they're screaming "SELL! SELL!" to get out before the price keeps dropping. They're panicking out there right now, I can feel it.
Randolph Duke: [on the ticker machine, the price keeps dropping] He's right, Mortimer! My God, look at it!

Billy Ray Valentine: [after breaking a vase] Hey, sorry about that.
Randolph Duke: It's perfectly all right William. It was your vase.
Billy Ray Valentine: That was a cheap vase, right? That was a fake? Right?
Randolph Duke: I believe we paid $35,000. But if I remember correctly, we valued it for the insurance company at $50,000. You see, Mortimer? William has already made us $15,000.
[Coleman, Mortimer, Randolph, and Billy Ray start laughing]
Billy Ray Valentine: You want me to break something else?
Randolph Duke, Mortimer Duke, Coleman: NO!

Even Bigger Black Guy: I mean you beatin' 10 cops? You putting a man in the hospital? How come I don't see no bruises on you?
Big Black Guy: Yeah!
Billy Ray Valentine: 'Cause I'm a karate man! And a karate man bruises on the inside! They don't show their weakness. But you don't know that because you're a big Barry White looking motherfucker! So get outta my face!

Billy Ray Valentine: [while acting blind and legless] Hey, baby, what's happening? How are ya doing? Once you have a man with no legs, you never go back, baby. I know what you're thinkin'. You seen "Porgy and Bess"?
[the woman begins to walk away]
Billy Ray Valentine: We can make it, baby! Me and you!... You BITCH!

Billy Ray: When I was growing up, if we wanted a Jacuzzi, we had to fart in the tub.

Louis: [after giving the secret knock] Who is it?
Billy Ray Valentine: Open the door, man!

Billy Ray Valentine: [on his first day of work] What if I can't do this job, Coleman? What if I'm not what they expected?
Coleman: Just be yourself, sir. Whatever happens, they can't take that away from you.

Billy Ray Valentine: Hey that's the motherf- I mean... that's the gentleman that had me busted.

Randolph Duke: [being wheeled out on a stretcher] Where's Beeks? Where in the hell is Beeks?
Billy Ray Valentine: [to Winthrope] Yeah, I forgot about that guy.

Billy Ray Valentine: [Billy Ray is in jail] I wish my bitches would get here. I ain't got time to be sitting in this cell with you.
Even Bigger Black Guy: Where are your bitches, Mr. Big-Time Pimp?
Big Black Guy: Yeah!
Billy Ray Valentine: [to cellmate #2] Didn't I tell you that the phone in my limousine is busted, and I can't get in contact with my bitches?
Cellmate #2: [to the Big Black Guy] Yeah! The phone in the limo was busted. What is ya, ignorant?

Billy Ray Valentine: [after demonstrating some fake karate moves] That's called the "quart of blood" technique. You do that, a quart of blood will drop out of a man's body.

Billy Ray Valentine: [watches cops subduing an unruly suspect] May I suggest using your night stick officer?

Billy Ray Valentine: [after Ophelia and Coleman stop Louis from choking Billy Ray]
Billy Ray Valentine: [gasping]
Billy Ray Valentine: It was an experiment... to see how our lives would turn out... the Dukes arranged it... they made a bet.
Coleman: I'm afraid it's true, sir.
Ophelia: I believe him, Louie.
Louis Winthorpe III: The Dukes... ruined my life... over a bet? For how much?
Billy Ray Valentine: A dollar.
Louis Winthorpe III: One dollar... fine. That's the way they want it? No problem.
[cut to Louis cleaning and loading an array of shotguns in the den]

Even Bigger Black Guy: It was a stone groove, my man! You are, the most, righteous...
Billy Ray Valentine: Yeah right, just get the fuck out, man! Let's go!

Billy Ray Valentine: [being pushed away by the doorman] Hey, man! I really don't appreciate this! I don't care what it is! A spiced ham! Anything! Some crackers!
[the Dukes enter the building]
Billy Ray Valentine: Thanks a lot. How'd you like a stump up your ass?
Heritage Club Doorman: Stay outta here!
Billy Ray Valentine: You got a lotta soul. 'Preciate it.

Billy Ray: No thanks, guys, I already had breakfast this morning.
Mortimer Duke: This is not a *meal*, Valentine. We are here to TRY to explain to you what is we do here.
Randolph Duke: We are 'commodities brokers', William. Now, what are commodities? Commodities are agricultural products... like coffee that you had for breakfast... wheat, which is used to make bread... pork bellies, which is used to make bacon, which you might find in a 'bacon and lettuce and tomato' sandwich.
[Billy Ray turns and gives a long look at the camera]
Randolph Duke: Randolph
[continuing]
Randolph Duke: And then there are other commodities, like frozen orange juice... and GOLD. Though, of course, gold doesn't grow on trees like oranges.
[chuckles]
Randolph Duke: Clear so far?
Billy Ray: [nodding, smiling] Yeah.
Randolph Duke: Good, William! Now, some of our clients are speculating that the price of gold will rise in the future. And we have other clients who are speculating that the price of gold will fall. They place their orders with us, and we buy or sell their gold for them.
Mortimer Duke: Tell him the good part.
Randolph Duke: The good part, William, is that, no matter whether our clients make money or lose money, Duke & Duke get the commissions.
Mortimer Duke: Well? What do you think, Valentine?
Billy Ray: Sounds to me like you guys a couple of bookies.
Randolph Duke: [chuckling, patting Billy Ray on the back] I told you he'd understand.

---