Phil Berquist
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Quotes for
Phil Berquist (Character)
from City Slickers (1991)

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City Slickers (1991)
Ed Furillo: See, here's the thing. Kim wants to have kids.
Mitch Robbins: And you don't?
Ed Furillo: I tell her it's because we wouldn't have as much fun, it would hurt her modeling, but... that's not the reason. Having a kid, that's... heavy, that's a real commitment. That's saying I'm never gonna be with another woman for the rest of my life.
Phil Berquist: Wait a minute, let me get this straight. I have... no life, we're all agreed on that, right?
Ed Furillo, Mitch Robbins: Right!
Phil Berquist: Okay. And your big problem is, that you're married to this gorgeous, twenty-four year old underwear model, who thinks that the sun rises and sets in your pants... and that's not enough for you?
Ed Furillo: [shaking his head] You don't understand.
Phil Berquist: No, I don't understand!
Ed Furillo: I don't want to screw around on Kim.
Phil Berquist: So don't.
Ed Furillo: Oh... from the king of restraint.
Phil Berquist: What does that mean?
Ed Furillo: It means, that's pretty smug advice, coming from a man who mounted an eighteen year old checkout girl on the day-old bread rack.
Phil Berquist: She's twenty - and shut up.
Ed Furillo: Let me get you hot, Phil: "I need a price. Register Nine, I need a price...
Phil Berquist: Cut it out!
Mitch Robbins: [warning] Guys...
Ed Furillo: What did you use for protection, paper or plastic?

Arlene Berquist: Why is she telling you this... Phil?
Phil Berquist: Because... because I'm her boss! And... we... we have a health plan!
Arlene Berquist: You son of a bitch - you screwed this little girl in my father's store?
Phil Berquist: No... no! No!
Nancy: It was in his car! And I'm not a little girl; I'm twenty.
Arlene Berquist: Get out of this house, you little whore.
Phil Berquist: Hey! I will not permit you to talk to her that way.
Arlene Berquist: Fine. I'll tell my father what you did!
Phil Berquist: Don't you call Mister Levine! Hey! Give me that phone...
[struggles to take the phone from her]
Arlene Berquist: You're crazy!
Phil Berquist: That's right - not having sex for *twelve years* will do that to a person!
[she breaks the phone]
Arlene Berquist: I'll call from the bedroom.
Phil Berquist: The bedroom? How the hell would you know where the bedroom is?
Arlene Berquist: I'm calling...
Phil Berquist: Go ahead, call him - I'm sure he's home. It's his night to meet with the other escaped Nazis, isn't it?
Arlene Berquist: I hate you!
Phil Berquist: I hate you more; if hate were people, I'd be China!
Mitch Robbins: [awkward pause] Let's bring out the cake!

Phil Berquist: Where are you from?
Ben Jessup: Baltimore. We have a dental practice there.
Mitch Robbins: Really, you're both dentists?
Steve Jessup: Yes! We're black AND we're dentists. Let's not make an issue out of it.
Ben Jessup: Eh, they're not making an issue of it. You're making an issue of it.

Phil Berquist: You know you were right, Mitch. My life is a "do-over". It's time to get started.
Mitch Robbins: I hope I can help.
Ed Furillo: Now I'm gonna go home, and I'm gonna get Kim pregnant.
Mitch Robbins: I hope I can help.

Mitch Robbins: It's nothing to be ashamed of - I had the same problem.
Phil Berquist: Didn't you feel stupid; I mean, didn't you feel... inadequate?
Mitch Robbins: Yeah, for a while, but then I overcame it. Can I explain it to you again? I mean now promise me you won't get upset.
Phil Berquist: O.K.; it's not gonna to do any good.
Mitch Robbins: O.K., if you want to watch one show but record another show at the same time, the television set does not have to be on channel 3.
Phil Berquist: Yeah it does.
Mitch Robbins: No it doesn't.
Phil Berquist: It does.
Mitch Robbins: No, if you're watching what you're recording, then it has to be on 3.
Phil Berquist: What... the TV or... or the machine?
Mitch Robbins: The TV.
Phil Berquist: You're saying I can record something I'm not even watching?
Mitch Robbins: Yes, that's the point. You don't even need a TV to record.
Phil Berquist: How would I see it?
Mitch Robbins: Well to see it you need a TV.
Ed Furillo: Shut up! Just shut up! He doesn't get it! He'll never get it! It's been 4 hours! The cows can tape something by now! Forget about it please!
Phil Berquist: How do you do the clock?
Ed Furillo: You're dead. You are dead.

Phil Berquist: Let's have some peace and quiet around here, for chrisakes! I've been under a lot of stress! I lost my wife, I lost my job, and I'm developing some kind of rash from making in the bushes!

Mitch Robbins: I wish you hadn't worn this jacket.
Ed Furillo: What's wrong with it?
Mitch Robbins: Well, look at it - it's got your name and your picture on it. It's a little grotesque.
Ed Furillo: I'm proud of what I do.
Phil Berquist: So is the President - he doesn't wear his picture on his suit.
Ben Jessup: Hi.
Mitch Robbins: [shaking his hand] Hi, Mitch Robbins.
Ed Furillo: I'm Ed Furillo - I sell sporting goods.
Mitch Robbins: Show him your jacket.
Phil Berquist: I'm Phil Berquist. I committed adultery; lost my job and my family.
Mitch Robbins: His jacket's being made.

Mitch Robbins: Alright Ed, your best day, what was it, twins in a trapeze, what?
Ed Furillo: No, I don't wanna play.
Mitch Robbins: C'mon, we did it.
Ed Furillo: I don't feel like it.
Mitch Robbins: Uh, okay.
Ed Furillo: I'm 14 and my mother and father are fighting again... y'know, because she caught him again. Caught him... This time the girl drove by the house to pick him up. And I finally realized, he wasn't just cheating on my mother, he was cheating us. So I told him, I said, "You're bad to us. We don't love you. I'll take care of my mother and my sister. We don't need you any more." And he made like he was gonna hit me, but I didn't budge. And he turned around and he left. He never bothered us again. Well, I took care of my mother and my sister from that day on. That's my best day.
Phil Berquist: What was your worst day?
Ed Furillo: Same day.

Phil Berquist: [At Curly's funeral] The man ate bacon at every meal... you... you can't do that!

[the boys have finally got the cattle herd moving]
Ed Furillo: We're doing great, guys! We're driving them!
Phil Berquist: Ah, that's perfect! We're lost but we're making good time!

Phil Berquist: [Phil grabs the gun out of the dirt and holds it to Jeff's head at the same time holding a handful of Jeff's hair forcibly, looking to T.R] Put the gun down! Put down the goddamned gun!
Jeff: Mmmm Mmmmm MMMM!
[Jeff looks over to T.R., nervously agreeing with Phil's order]
Mitch Robbins: Phil.
Phil Berquist: I'm not going to let them bully us anymore!
Mitch Robbins: Phil.
Phil Berquist: My father-in-law was a bully!
Mitch Robbins: Phil!
Phil Berquist: I hate bullys! Because bullys don't just bully you,
[Phil gets on his haunches, the gun still pressed to Jeff's forehead]
Phil Berquist: they take away your diginity!
Mitch Robbins: Phil, come on!
Phil Berquist: I hate that! I really, HATE that!
[Phil cocks the gun, and we see a bullet rotating into the chamber]
Jeff: Ahhhhh!
[Jeff squeezes his eyes shut, awaiting the shot]
Jeff: . Sorry!
Phil Berquist: BANG!
[Jeff's head tenses, expecting to be shot, then looks up at Phil in surprise and confusion]
Phil Berquist: All right, you assholes go and sleep it off!
[Phil makes a motion with the gun in hand toward the tent directing Jeff and T.R. to head that way]

Ed Furillo: You OK?
Mitch Robbins: Yeah.
[Mitch and Ed go into the tent to check on Phil]
Mitch Robbins: Phil?
Phil Berquist: Yeah?
Ed Furillo: We were a little worried about you back there.
Phil Berquist: Ah.
[Phil sits down on the stool, Ed and Mitch kneel down in front of him, as he holds the gun, looking down]
Mitch Robbins: Why don't you give me the gun, Phil?
Phil Berquist: Ah, it's OK, I know how to handle a gun.
[Phil begins to unload the gun by pushing the bullets out of the cylinder]
Phil Berquist: . You know being a store manager, you have to be there pretty early in the morning to receive the trucks. You have to be sure the, register totals, match the receiving records... and all the stock is put in the proper place, it's a very... responsible, job.
[Mitch looks to Phil and watches as he unloads the gun nervously, Phil hands it to Mitch when it is completley unloaded, grinning nervously]
Phil Berquist: . Ah, CHRIST!
[Phil begins to sob, and bury's his head on Mitch's shoulder]
Mitch Robbins: [Mitch rubs and pats Phil's back] Hey Phil, come on Philly... It's OK man, it's not that bad...
Phil Berquist: [Phil's head is still in Mitch's shoulder] My life is over! I'm almost 40 years old, and I'm at the end of my life!
Mitch Robbins: Phil, hey.
[Mitch raises Phil up so he is looking at him]
Mitch Robbins: You remember when we were kids, and we were playing ball, and we hit the ball over the fence out of bounds, and we yelled, DO OVER?
Ed Furillo: [grins, remembering] Yeah!
Mitch Robbins: Your life is a do over. You've got a clean slate.
Phil Berquist: I got no place to live. And I'm gonna get wiped out in the divorce because I committed adultery. So, I may never see my kids again. I'm alone. How's that slate look now?

Phil Berquist: So Do you hate baseball?
Barbara Robbins: No I like baseball. I just never understood how you guys can spend so much time discussing it. I mean I think the game is great but I don't memorize who played third base for Pittsburgh in 1960.
Phil Berquist, Mitch Robbins, Ed Furillo: Don Hoak!
Barbara Robbins: See, that's exactly what I mean.

Phil Berquist: [Referring to Mitch, after Curly takes him off to round up strays] Do you think he'll be all right?
Ed Furillo: Sure. Curly's just trying to scare him.
Phil Berquist: If anything happens to him... I'm going after Barbara.

[Mitch is being treated by a Spanish doctor after being gored in his rear during the "Running of the Bulls" in Pamplona]
Mitch Robbins: This is all your fault, Ed!
Ed Furillo: My fault?
Mitch Robbins: You're a macho lunatic. Phil and I are sheep!
Phil Berquist: We're not sheep.
Mitch Robbins: We do every stupid thing he asks!
Ed Furillo: I didn't make you run.
Mitch Robbins: No, it was a 2,000-pound rampaging animal spraying bull snot all over Spain! That's what made me run! *You* made me stand in front of it!

Bonnie Rayburn: [listening to the guys talk baseball] Ugh, baseball.
Ed Furillo: You've got something against baseball?
Bonnie Rayburn: It's just I used to live with a guy who was like a baseball encyclopedia and I just got flashes.
Phil Berquist: You broke up with him 'cause of baseball?
Bonnie Rayburn: Uh, no, we had different needs. I needed him to treat me decently and get a job, and he needed to empty my bank account and leave.
Mitch: Ouch.
Phil Berquist: So, do you hate baseball?
Bonnie Rayburn: No, I like baseball. I just never understood how you guys could spend so much time discussing it. I mean, I've been to games, but I don't memorize who played third base for Pittsburgh in 1960.
Mitch: Don Hoak.
Ed Furillo, Phil Berquist: Don Hoak!
Mitch: Beat you.
Bonnie Rayburn: See, that's exactly what I mean.
Phil Berquist: So, what do you and your friends talk about out there?
Bonnie Rayburn: Well, real life. Relationships. Are they working? Are they not? Who's she seeing? Is that working?
Ed Furillo: No contest. We win.
Bonnie Rayburn: Why?
Ed Furillo: Honey, if that were as interesting as baseball, they'd have cards for it and sell it with gum.

City Slickers II: The Legend of Curly's Gold (1994)
Phil: Please don't tell my kids I died taking a shit.

Phil: In case we don't make it and I die first... eat me.
Mitch: Eat you? I don't even like talking to you on the phone.

Glen: Phil, when was the last time you were with a woman?
Phil: Uh, Saturday... Saturday will be a year.
Glen: Ow!
Mitch: Gee, if I had known, I'd have gotten you a cake.

Glen: All right, now the sun sets in the East, right?
Mitch: No! The sun sets in the West.
Glen: That's if your *in* the East, but we are way out West now, so we are past where the sun sets.
Mitch: You can't be *passed* where the sun sets, and if you think you can, then I am directly South of an idiot!
Phil: Which is down!
Mitch: Right!

Mitch: Eat you? What a lovely image. "Eat me!" Hey, Glen, I'm still hungry, is there any more Phil? Oooh, pass the Phil. Mmmmm, it's even good cold. Great party, thanks to Phil!
Phil: Alright, so DON'T eat me!
Duke: Jesus Christ, what a bunch of little piss pots.

Mitch: [after hearing his brother has arrived] Well how is he?
Barbara Robbins: Well, he came in, asked me to make him a sandwich, no crusts, then started making long-distance calls. Of course, first, he did three scenes from "Godfather II".
Phil: He still does that? I love that!
Mitch: Phil, I'm warning you. If you mention "The Godfather" to him, I will rip your arms out of their sockets and beat you to death with them. This started out as such a good birthday!
Phil: What's Glen been up to?
Mitch: He's been up to nothing, he's the Vice President of Lazy. He goes from one family to another until they throw him out, he borrows money..."borrows"? That indicates an intent to repay. He gets jobs that aren't jobs. We only hear from him for change of address calls. I mean he's lost. He's a lost soul, he's a dented can, he's... behind me, isn't he?
[Indeed, Glen is standing right behind Mitch, having heard every word. Phil nods]
Glen: Mitchy, buenos dias!
Mitch: [Shaking his hand] Hello, Glen. How was your sandwich?
Glen: Ah, delightful!
Mitch: Listen, I'm sorry about what I said...
Glen: Ah, water off a duck's back. Come here.
[Hugs him and briefly lifts him off his feet]
Glen: Wow, look at you. You're still the world's smallest big brother.

Mitch: By this time next week I'll be having a romantic dinner with Phil.
Phil: Well, pick a night... because the map is *gone*!

Mitch: [while discussing Phil's troubled love life, Mitch is reminded of something] Speaking of which, did you ever walk in on our parents doing it?
Glen: No.
Glen: Why, did you?
Mitch: Yes.
[Glen stops the cart]
Glen: Really?
Mitch: Worst thing I've ever seen.
Glen: Well, that's a horrible thing for a little kid to see.
Mitch: This was three weeks ago in Florida!
Glen: AUGH! Did you walk into the bedroom?
Mitch: This was in the kitchen.
Glen: *AUGH!*
Mitch: Apparently it was spontaneous, too, because Pop still had his hat on. You know that one with the fake grass and a golf ball on it? It was horrible. Wax fruit flying everyplace, the dog barking, my kids' pictures flapping up and down on the refrigerator...
Glen: [ready to vomit] Okay, stop it.
Mitch: [continuing] Pop was working hard.
[as his father]
Mitch: "Ohh, ohh, ohh, ohh... ahh, enough of that. Did you take the car in?"
[Glen groans in disgust]
Phil: See, I think that's beautiful.
Mitch: Beautiful? Not from my angle.
Phil: No, two people in love after all those years? That's great!
Mitch: Great? An hour later, we *ATE* on that table.
Phil: [disgusted] EEEUWWW.

Phil: Hey, Glen, let me ask you something. Who had Frankie Pentangeli killed?
Mitch: Phil!
[Barbara groans and leaves the room]
Glen: The Rosato brothers.
Phil: Who gave the order?
Mitch: [Hits Phil over the head with a pillow] You stupid dope!
Phil: [laughing] I love this.
Glen: There was this kid I grew up with. He was younger than me. Sort of looked up to me, you know.
Mitch: Glen...
Glen: We did our first work together, worked our way out of the street. Things were good, we made the most of it.
Mitch: I'm going to change.
[as he leaves, he shows Phil the middle finger from behind Glen]
Glen: During Prohibition, we ran molasses to Canada. Made a fortune.
Mitch: [Discreetly] "Ran molasses to Canada." You should run some brains to your head.

City Slickers in Westworld (2017) (V)
Phil Berquist: What is the One Thing?
Mitch Robbins: The One Thing is this!
[pulls out a revolver and shoots Phil]
Ashley Stubbs: Freeze all motor functions!
[both Mitch and Phil freeze for a couple seconds]
Phil Berquist: So the secret of life is shooting me?

Phil Berquist: Why is everybody naked?
Clementine Pennyfeather: 'Cause all the hosts are naked. Why aren't you guys naked?
Mitch Robbins: Um, because it's in HD.
Phil Berquist: Moobs.