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Quotes for
Joe (Character)
from The Princess Diaries (2001)

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The Princess Diaries (2001)
Joe: This is between a waltz and a tango.
Mia: It's a wango?

Joe: I have never put on pantihose before, but it sounds dangerous.

Lilly: Michael, don't always think you could get a ride with us and...
[sees Mia's new look]
Lilly: Oy. Who destroyed you?
Mia: Oh. You-you think it looks that bad?
Lilly: You look ridiculous. You should sue.
Mia: Well um... I know it's a little straighter and shorter and...
Lilly: Weirder!
[Get's in limo]
Michael: An attractive weirder.
Lilly: No, it's not attractive!
Joe: Seat belts, please.
Lilly: What I really can't understand is that you ditched me again yesterday when I really needed your help at the greenpeace petition.
[picks up bag]
Lilly: These bags! You HAVE one of these bags? You know, we could hock that and feed a whole third world country!
[Looks at Michael]
Lilly: Am I right?
Michael: No.
Joe: If there are no more passengers, I think we should close the door.

Mia: Joseph, can we eighty-six the flags please?
Joe: No. The flags allow me to park anywhere. We keep the flags.
Mia: Sorry, Joseph.
Joe: You can call me, "Joe".
Mia: "Joey"?
[Giggles]
Joe: [Chuckles then abruptly turns serious] No. Joe.

Mia: Hey Joe? Can we park a block away from school? I really don't want to cause a riot with this hearse.
Joe: This is a non-riot hearse. And if it were a hearse there would be silence in the backseat.

Mia: Hey, Joe?
Joe: Mm-Hmmm?
Mia: I'm gonna turn the backseat into a dressing room so I can change into a proper outfit for Madame, OK?
Joe: OK. And don't forget your shoes.
Mia: Ahh, thanks.
Joe: Strange town, San Francisco. When I purchased the pumps, they asked if I wanted them wrapped or if I was going to wear them.

[trying to recall the names of Lana and friends]
Joe: Anna, Falana, Banana, Bandana, Montana...

Joe: [speaking to Mia] Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent.

Joe: No matter how many times you press that, it will still go up and down the same way.

Mia: [voiceover] Dear Diary, today is my first official day as Princess of Genovia. We'll land in a few hours, and I'll meet Parliament and the people before beginning my royal duties. Mom is, of course, moving to Genovia with me, and we'll continue painting - without the balloons. Lily and Michael are planning to spend their summer vacation at our - can you believe it - palace. They're even having my Mustang brought over, which I can legally drive in two weeks. Grandma's so glad to be going home, and Joseph - well, he's watching nearby as usual. Everybody's got pre-coronation jitters, including me. Everybody that is, except Fat Louie. He's totally adapted to being a royal. I guess he was one all along.
Joe: [voiceover] Princess, look out the window... and welcome to Genovia.


The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement (2004)
Joe: Viscount, you may not be aware of what my job entails as the Royal Head of Security. My job is to protect the crown. To make sure no harm comes to the crown. To step in when someone toys with the crown's emotions.
Viscount Mabrey: I think the entire country understands how well you cater for the crown's emotions.
Joe: [pause] If you hurt my girl, you will answer directly to me, and whatever crimes I commit against you, remember, I have diplomatic immunity in 46 countries, including Puerto Rico.
Viscount Mabrey: Sir, you will find that the word "fear" is not in my vocabulary!
Joe: Perhaps... but it's in your eyes.

Mia Thermopolis: [while watching a list of possible husbands, a picture of Prince William appears] Yes! Oh yes! I, I, I absolutely accept!
Charlotte Kutaway: Prince William. He's not eligible because he's in line for his own crown.
Mia Thermopolis: [Disappointed] Oh.
Joe: If he's not eligible, why is he included in these pictures?
Charlotte Kutaway: I just love to look at him.
Queen Clarisse Renaldi: Me too.
Mia Thermopolis: Mmm-hmm.
Joe: Your Majesty!
Queen Clarisse Renaldi: Next?
Charlotte Kutaway: Antoine Suisson of Paris. Plays the harp. No title, but good family.
Lilly Moscovitz: What about the title "husband?"
Mia Thermopolis: Yeah, he's cute.
Joe: His boyfriend thinks he's handsome, also.
Mia Thermopolis, Lilly Moscovitz: Right on.
Queen Clarisse Renaldi: No matter. Put him on all the invitation lists, he's a divine dancer.

Joe: [to Mia] Love does things for reasons that reason cannot understand.

Joe: With this ring, I thee - finally - wed.

Queen Clarisse Renaldi: Dear Joseph, am I too late to ask you to accept my hand in marriage?
Joe: I thought you'd never ask.

Joe: I would kneel if it weren't for my knee replacement.

Joe: Shades...
Security Guard Shades: Mmm...
Joe: You are now Head of Security. Good luck with Lionel. I've got a wedding to go to.