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: My real name isn't Mike, it's just a nickname from where I used to work. Joanna Eberhard
: Where? Mike Wellington
: Microsoft. Ted Van Sant
: NASA. Vic Stevens
: Disney. Stan Peters
: AOL. Joanna Eberhard
: Is that why the women are so slow?
: Bobbie! Bobbie... this isn't you... Bobbie Markowitz
: That's right, Joanna! This isn't me, it's a whole new me. I'm happy, and I'm healthy, because I understand what's important in life. Joanna Eberhart
: Yes, your new book! Bobbie Markowitz
: [starts advancing on Joanna
] That's right! That's what's important, my new cookbook. And my husband, and my family, and making a perfect home. It's a lesson every gal needs to learn, especially you. I'm your friend, Joanna, I'm going to help you. You need me. Joanna Eberhart
: You stay away from me! Bobbie Markowitz
: You are driven. Joanna Eberhart
: Well, sometimes... Bobbie Markowitz
: And you're selfish! You wanna rule the world! I can fix you. I can change you. Joanna Eberhart
: [notices Bobbie's hand is resting upon the lit stove, yet she doesn't burn
] What... have... they... done... to... you? Bobbie Markowitz
: Let's get busy!
: We're trespassing! Bobbie Markowitz
: Only if we get caught.
: She's not a robot. She never was. I couldn't do it. Mike Wellington
: Why not? Walter Kresby
: Because she's not a science project. Because I didn't marry something from RadioShack. Mike Wellington
: That's a shame. Joanna Eberhart
: No. That's a man.
: How do I look? Bobbi Markowitz
: Can I be perfectly honest? Joanna Eberhart
: Mm-hmmm. Bobbi Markowitz
: You kind of look like Betty Crocker. Joanna Eberhart
: I know. Roger Bannister
: At Betty Ford.
: First of all we are in the country now, so no more black. Joanna Eberhart
: No more black? Are you insane? Walter Kresby
: You heard me. Only high-powered, neurotic, castrating, Manhattan career bitches wear black. Is that what you want to be? Joanna Eberhart
: Ever since I was a little girl.
: But, she had sparks coming out of her ears. Roger Bannister
: That's the first sign. Joanna Eberhard
: Of what? Roger Bannister
: Cheap jewelery.
: Hey, aren't you Bobbi Markowitz? I love your books. What was the name of that book, the one about your mother? Bobbi Markowitz
: "I Love You, But Please Die."
: My psychiatrist says I need creative chaos. Roger Bannister
: My shrink says I need boundaries. Joanna Eberhart
: My doctor says I need enough electricity to jumpstart Vegas.
: Hey, Kresby-man. Walter Kresby
: Hey Dave. Joanna Eberhard
: How do you know each other? Dave Markowitz
: Men's Association.
: We should get moving. Dave Markowitz
: Yeah, we got a meeting at the Men's Association. Joanna Eberhart
: When will you be home, honey? Walter Kresby
: [Dave makes a face at Walter
] When I'm home.
: Add it up. All the women around here are perfect sex-kitten bimbos. All the men are drooling nerds. Doesn't that seem strange? Joanna Eberhart
: Not to me. Bobbie Markowitz
: Why not? Joanna Eberhart
: I work in television.
: I'm the only decent person left Joanna Eberhart
: In Stepford? Claire Wellington
: In the world! Roger Bannister
] She's fabulous!
[the Stepford Wives have been "de-Stepfordized"
] Joanna Eberhard
: Mike, Mike, what happened? I was in the garden and I was dreaming about your... your smile and your aftershave and then I realized...
[In a sinister voice
] Joanna Eberhard
: I could do *better*!
: If you're in Manhattan, what do you do if you find out you're neighbour is sick? Roger Bannister
: Call her... Bobbi Markowitz
: -To see if she is going to die... Roger Bannister
: -So we could rent the apartment.
: So that's why we have to leave Stepford? I'm not following. Joanna Eberhart
: Ok. Before, Roger was witty and stylish and ironic. Walter Kresby
: And I'm sure he still is. Joanna Eberhart
: No. Now he's making speeches in a Brooks Brothers suit. Walter Kresby
: Hey, there's lots of ways to be gay. Don't try to make him into a stereotype. Joanna Eberhart
: Bobbie is right, and she's leaving too. This place does something to people. All of the women are always busy and perfect and smiling, and all of the men are always happy. Walter Kresby
: And that's a problem because? Joanna Eberhart
: Because it's not normal, Walter. It's... It's not our world. It's not us. And I'm picking up our kids from camp right now, and we're getting out of here. With or without you.
[she goes to the front door but it is locked, she is extremely frusrated
] Walter Kresby
: You'll never change will you? Not really. Joanna Eberhart
] Open the door. Walter Kresby
: [he disables the security system, Joanna is leaving when...
] And you're right. Joanna Eberhart
: [she turns to him
] About what? Walter Kresby
: If you're that unhappy, then we should move. Maybe head back to the city. We could leave tomorrow. Joanna Eberhart
: [she sighs and hugs Walter
] Thank you. Thank you.
: You're even better at sex, don't deny it. Joanna Eberhard
: I wasn't going to.
: You're insane! Claire Wellington
: I'm in love. With the waltz, and a town
[pauses, picks up Mikes head
] Claire Wellington
: and a man.
[Kisses Mikes head
: I guess I want to be remembered.
: [Joanna is brewing coffee
] I like to watch women doing little domestic chores. Joanna Eberhart
: You came to the right town.
: Why do they call you Diz? Dale Coba
: Because I used to work at Disneyland. Joanna Eberhart
: No, really. Dale Coba
: That's really. Don't you believe me? Joanna Eberhart
: No. Dale Coba
: Why not? Joanna Eberhart
: You don't look like someone who enjoys making other people happy.
: I've told you, I messed a little bit with women's lib in New York. Bobbie Markowe
: Didn't we all? Joanna Eberhart
: I'm not contemplating any Maidenform bonfires, but they could certainly use something around here. Bobbie Markowe
: Oh yeah. Joanna Eberhart
: You game? Bobbie Markowe
: I'm game. Boy, am I game!
] Joanna Eberhart
: Hello, Bobbie. Bobbie Markowe
: Oh, hello, Joanna. Joanna Eberhart
: How are you? Bobbie Markowe
: I'm fine. How are you? Joanna Eberhart
: I'm fine. How are the children? Bobbie Markowe
: If I am wrong, I'm insane... but if I'm right, it's even worse than if I was wrong.
Mary Ann Stavros
: I'm sorry. I just can't waste my spare moments on something like that. Joanna Eberhart
: But you do go out sometimes don't you? Mary Ann Stavros
: Go out? Of course I go out. I'm out now, aren't I?
: I can't just call him up and say, "Hi! I used be Joanna Ingalls. You deflowered me twelve years ago. Would you check my water?"
: What do you think they do up there? Bobbie Markowe
: Watch dirty movies and reminisce about the Good Old Days. Joanna Eberhart
: What Good Old Days? Bobbie Markowe
: Like those Good Old Days when "Playboy" used the airbrush!
: I won't be here when you get back, don't you see? It's going to happen before then. Don't ask me to explain it, I just know. There'll be somebody with my name, and she'll cook and clean like crazy, but she won't take pictures, and she won't be me! She'll - she'll, she'll be like one of those the robots in Disneyland. Dr. Fancher
: Alright, now listen. I'll give you a prescription which you have filled, then you gather up your children and you GET THE HELL AWAY! Don't tell your husband, don't tell anyone, just go, wherever you feel safe. Now, do you have family? Joanna Eberhart
: They're dead. Dr. Fancher
: Well, just drive, and stop some place. Then in a few days - I'll be back on the 10th - you ring me, I'll come to you, and we'll sort this thing out. Now how does that sound?
: [ambulance drives off
] We may be new here, but isn't Stepford Hospital that way? Walter Eberhart
: Oh, no, no, no, you're wrong... No, no, you're *not* wrong, the ambulance went *that* way, didn't it?
: This is not me and what you're saying isn't you.
: [Joanna responding to Claude's request for her to do his speech recording project
] ... just like your wife. Bobby and I tried to involve her in one of our projects, but she had too much ironing. Maybe you could convince her. Kit Sundersen, too. If they could find the time for me... I could find it for you. Claude Axhelm
: Isn't this uh... kind of blackmail, Joanna? Joanna Eberhart
: It's what made this country great, Claude.
: [Showing her photos to her NYC Dealer and Gallery Owner
] Am I crazy? Aren't they good? Please say something. I don't care. No, I do care. Don't say anything bad. Mr. Atkinson
: These are, um, really quite good. Joanna Eberhart
: You're not just saying that be cause you're frightened I, I might be a crazy lady? Mr. Atkinson
: Clearly you are a crazy lady, but clearly again, these are nice. Joanna Eberhart
: Wait a minute. You said 'Good'. 'Really quite good' you said. 'Good' is better than 'nice'. You're not changing your mind, are you? Mr. Atkinson
: No, the results are lovely. Don't get upset again. 'Lovely' is better than 'good'. But, um, what fascinates me is: What is it you want from it all? Do you know? Joanna Eberhart
: I want - somewhere, someday, someone to look at something and say 'Hey, that reminds me of an Ingalls'. 'Ingalls' was my maiden name. I guess I want to be remembered. Mr. Atkinson
: Yes, don't we all?
: It's nothing like you imagine, just a, another stage. Think about it like that, and there's nothing to it. Joanna Eberhart
: Why? Dale Coba
: Why? Because we can.
: [Handing drawing to Joanna
] In case you're wondering what I've been doing. Joanna Eberhart
: You're not the Ike Mazzard are you? Ike Mazzard
: I'm afraid so. Joanna Eberhart
: Walter tell him, I'm just awful on names. You'll have to forgive me. I used to gawk at all those girls in those magazines. You blighted my adolescence, you know that? Walter Eberhart
] I thought I benighted your adolescence.