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: What's your name? Mulan
: Uh... I, I, uh... Chi Fu
: Your commanding officer just asked you a question. Mulan
: Uh, I've got a name. Ha! And it's a boy's name, too. Mushu
: [whispering in Mulan's ear
] Ling. How 'bout Ling? Mulan
: [looking toward Ling
] His name is Ling. Shang
: I didn't ask for *his* name. I asked for *yours!* Mushu
: Try, uh, uh, ah, Chu. Mulan
: Ah Chu. Shang
: Ah Chu? Mushu
: Gesundheit. Mushu
] I kill myself. Mulan
: Mushu... Shang
: Mushu? Mulan
: No! Shang
: Then what is it? Mushu
: Ping! Ping was my best friend growin' up. Mulan
: It's Ping. Shang
: Ping? Mushu
: Of course, Ping did steal my girl...
[Mulan muffles him
: Yes, my name is Ping.
: Captain Li Shang. Hm. Leader of China's finest troops. No, the greatest troops of all time.
[exits his tent to find the troops fighting each other; we see one soldier with a black eye salute Shang, then promptly faint
] Chi Fu
: Most impressive.
: Insubordinate ruffians! You men owe me a new pair of slippers! And I do not squeal like a girl.
[a panda eats his slipper; he squeals like a girl
: [disguised as a messenger riding the panda
] Urgent news from the General.
: What's the matter? Never seen a black-and-white before? Chi Fu
: Who are you? Mushu
: Excuse me? I think the question is, who are *you!* We're in a war, man! There's no time for stupid questions! I should have your hat for this, snatch it *right* off your head. But I'm feeling gracious today, so carry on before I report you.
: Order. People, order. Citizen
: I'll have a pan-fried noodle. Chien-Po
: Ooh, ooh, sweet-and-pungent shrimp. Citizen
: Moo goo gai pan. Chi Fu
: That's not funny.
: Let me see your conscription notice.
: Fa Zhou? The Fa Zhou? Chi Fu
: I didn't know Fa Zhou had a son. Mulan
: Well, he doesn't talk about me much.
[Tries to spit, but ends up with a glop of spit hanging from her lip
] Chi Fu
: I can see why. The boy is an absolute lunatic.
: I am ready to serve the emperor. Mulan
: Father! You can't go! Fa Zhou
: Mulan! Mulan
: Please, sir. My father has already fought for... Chi Fu
: Silence! You would do well to teach your daughter to hold her tongue in a man's presence. Fa Zhou
: Mulan, you dishonor me.
] I've a girl at home who's unlike any other... Yao
: [singing in whisper to Mulan
] Yeah, the only girl who'd love him is his mother.
: Be careful, Captain. The General may be your father, but I am the Emperor's counsel. Oh, and by the way, I got that job on my own.
[Li Shang walks out of his tent and passes Mulan
: Hey. I'll hold him, and you punch!
The Emperor of China
: Chi Fu. Chi Fu
: Your Excellency? The Emperor of China
: [indicating Mulan
] See to it that this woman is made a member of my council. Chi Fu
: A member of... what?
] Chi Fu
: But... there are no council positions open, your Majesty. The Emperor of China
: Very well. The Emperor of China
: [to Mulan
] You can have HIS job.
[Chi Fu faints